Tuesdays with Stories! - #251 Off The Cuff Bump

Episode Date: June 26, 2018

The guys make their way back to the studio for a hell of an episode and to guess some holidays, Mark's comings and goings on the Jim & Sam show, and Joe's curbside view of a classic New York street fight. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! It's Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Nah. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Yeah! Hey everybody! We're not wearing cans, so we might be too loud. Who knows? Who cares?

We're gay. I'm Joe List. Mark Norman here. And we are back in the Stand Up Labs, Stand Up New York Studios. And it's been a long time. Shelby has a beard down to his waist. Oh yeah, he's a woman now. Yeah, I got a ball bag down to my shins.

He got that right. We're back. It's a strange, strange land here. The lights are different. There's a weird guy. We never know who he is. He says something. He's been here a while.

Still haven't made the point to get to know him. No, no. He must listen. It's nice to not get to know somebody. Because then you can just keep that no relationship going. Right. You know, I don't have to chat with you. We don't know each other.

I've not known him for three years. Yeah. It's pretty fun. It's nice. People have pointed this out before. It's all about the second location. If you bumped into him at the supermarket. You go, hey, I'm Steve.

Stand Up New York. Justin McKinney tried to do a bit about this a long time. You see the same guy at the gym every day for five years. And you don't say anything. If you saw him at a bar, you'd be like, hey, I'm the guy from your gym. Now you have to have a relationship. You got to just avoid everybody in the second locale. Yeah.

Sometimes I'll see people in a second locale and I'll just fly to New Mexico. Exactly. Because you know the second locale. I'm diving behind bushes. Yeah. That's so true. That's a good point. And they say if you take a lady to two locations, you're going to bang.

Really? Because it solidifies the night, the relationship. Like, I went here with you and now I'm going here with you. I'm in. Yeah. I take you to a van and then a warehouse. There you go. And we're fucking.

And then she takes you to the police station. Well, I don't know anything about that. I got to tell you, it's good to see you there, Fatty, because I did gym and sand today and BAM! Oh, come on. I was a big bag of cheese. Well, I saw some bad comments. I got to tell you.

I mean, I get those anyway, but those fans are animals. Yeah. I died. Animals. I died out there and Bennington was on and he's so quick. Oh, he's so good. Not only are you bombing, but you're bombing next to a killer. And it really accentuates the stench.

Any celebs? No. No. That's why they had us in. Yeah, they're having a lot less celebs, it feels like. I don't think it's doing great. Michael J. Fox was in there shaking the tail feather and Stevie Wonder and my dad. Yeah, yeah.

We were looking at David Cross the other day. That's something. Yeah. He's a bit of a wet blanket, but. Such a brilliant guy, but I saw him in hot soup that one time. Oh, yeah. It was not pretty. Stinkaroo.

Maybe he was trying some new or whatever. Maybe. He's all Trump-pating and this and that. It's like, come on, bring the yuckabups. Well, a lot of these people, and I mean, I can't even talk about how much I viscerally hate Trump. Sure. I mean, I really hate this guy, but you got to have a bit.

Yes. You can't just be up on stage going, boy, this guy is a criminal. Fox and Stinks and Nazis. Yes. I mean, you got to give me an angle here. I know. Give me a bit. Alt wrong.

Give me something. Uh-huh. It's these folks that, I'm not talking about David Cross, Pacific Elliott, just people in general. But there's a lot of it. It's an epidem. Or post. Like you get maybe one post a month that's serious, but you can't just all day be like,

ah, we got to impeach him and you hear what he said, I'm like, throw a fucking joke in there. And I agree. That's just that. The post. But these posts that are just so obvious where they go like, you can't put kids in a cage. All right. No shit.

Who's that helping? Is somebody going, that's a hell of a point you got there. You changed my mind. Well, I have to say a lot of people complained and then he changed the thing the next day. That's true. That's true. But I'm just saying like they'll post eight things and one of them is like, kids don't like to be fucked in the ass.

And you go, get out of town. Like, like, like. Yeah. I don't think it was the comedian's Twitter that quite did it. Yeah. It's a crazy topsy-turvy time. And I'm going to get just from that one comment, 10 people will be like, well, what do you know about?

I know, I know. People are angry. But what are you going to do? Don't listen to him. Can I say that? That looks great on you. Thank you. Yeah.

We got to have a hot, hot shout out to, what is it? Bellybusters? Big titted bitch. No, it's BB. Branded bills. Branded bills. Yes. And the guy wrote his name somewhere here.

I can't remember his name, but thank you. Branded bills. Killer hats. Good looking hat. You got the mesh back. We got a Louisiana. We got a New York and a mass. Yeah.

You got, you got Louisiana, New York. I got Massachusetts, New York. I have to say, BB, B squared. The Massachusetts one, the, the logo is like made of wood. Listen to that. Oh yeah. That's a hack. It hurts.

So this one, I, I'm going to be honest. Oh, don't be honest. I don't love the message. I like it. Uh-oh. It's a little tough around the edges. Uh-huh. It's kind of a, uh, uh, it's very brown and too tone.

So I'm not loving the Massachusetts. I'm grateful. I love the state of Massachusetts. You're making faces. Wow. The guy give you a gift. You're shitting on it. I'm not shitting.

I'm, I'm critiquing. All right. I'm giving criticism. They're good looking hats. They smell good. They feel good. And they taste good. Well, you didn't let me finish.

All right. This New York hat. Yes. Send me 11 more. Because this New York, it fits like a glove. It's softer than my sister's ass and the mesh is great. It looks great on that noggin of yours too. It really fits and I feel it.

I mean, I'm wearing this thing and the t-shirt, I couldn't love it more. Love the lunch t-shirt. If this t-shirt walked over here, sucked my dick. I blew my load in the back of the t-shirt. I would not love it more than I love it right now. Yes. You'd have to eat the shirt. I would love to eat my own cum.

That's neither here nor there. This thing is a dry sock after a wet sock, folks. Thank you, branded bills. Don't get a Massachusetts hat, but get yourself a New York hat and get a t-shirt. No, I like it. I love the hat. I'm going to give it to my uncle or dad or whoever has a really tough head. Father's Day gift.

Yes. Is that over yet? I forgot about Father's Day, silly. I hate it. I'm trying to really have a good relationship with my dad, but Father's Day is still a made-up horseshit holiday. They all are. Yeah, but you know it's number 20 on the holiday list of most popular holidays.

That seems low. I can't even name 20 holidays. That's the joke. Oh, I thought you were saying it's good. No, no, no. That's true, though. Oh, interesting. Boy, let's see if we can name 20 holidays.

All right. Christmas. Yes. Easter. Uh-huh. Thanksgiving. Fourth of July. Fourth.

AKA Independence Day. Thanksgiving's a big one. I got that. Halloween. Thank you. It's Flag Day. Boxing Day. That's Canada.

Hey. Valentine's Day. That one sucks. Mother's Day. Thank you. MLK. All right. President's Day.

Okay. Um. Memorial? Memorial Labor. Labor. Those are like the two most popular, it seems. I'm at 12 already. Okay.

Oh, jeez. Shit in my mouth. Let me think here. That's not all right. Something should be holidays. You know, like, maybe Bobby Kennedy gets a holiday, gay pride, something. Are we counting the heaps? Oh, yeah.

We got Hanukkah, Rosh Hashanah. Porum. Porum. Oh, yeah. Some drinks. Porum, some sugar on me. Uh. Well, that pops up to 15 if we're counting the big Jew faces.

Yeah. I mean, I don't even know where else to go. Ramadan. Oh, who's that? That's something, right? I don't know. Oh, Shelby's got something. We've missed Shelby.

Shelby's back, folks. Back. Easter. I said Easter. We got Easter. I'm okay. What is this? I said I'm okay.

I said the mix. I used to love that one. Now I hate it. That's 16 over here. The whole country is just rampant yelling at their iPhones. I know. Call us in. Call in.

New Year's. New Year's. Sheltown, everybody. That's a big one, too, that we missed. All right. Both of the months. January is MLK. February is Black History Month.

What about April Fool's Day? I don't know about April Fool's. Veterans Day. Oh, Veterans Day. Veterans Day. That's in November. That's 18. But the veterans are getting a lot of holidays.

This is Memorial Day. Labor Day. Veterans Day. Well, memorials are dead. Those are dead vets. It's a memory, yeah. So they're gone. Okay.

But most veterans are dead. Sure. But you don't have to get them a gift. They're dead. No. But Labor Day is similar. Isn't Labor Day also the services? No.

I think it's pregnant women. Someone else should get a holiday. I mean, this should be like... Maybe it's day laborers. Harriet Tubman or something? Tubman. What about Mexico? Oh, Cinco de Mayo.

Oh, that's a 19. That's kind of a something. I count that. That's when the Mexicans won the war against the wall. Do we count Mothers and Fathers Day? Yeah. Well, Fathers Day is 20. So that would be 20.

All right. Well, that's gotta be ahead of, I mean, Cinco de Mayo. No, well, that's fun. Nobody likes... I guess people work on sombreros. Fathers Day, you get a tie. Cinco de Mayo, you tie one off. But we counted flag day.

I mean... Yeah. That's what it is. It's sticking it to the man. It's a real kick in the dick for dads. That's why we all... Women are abused and raped anally. But, you know, nobody cares about men.

Hmm. What about... This should be a gay holiday. Don't you think? Whatever the day, it became a thing. I think MLGay was a homo. MLGay. Oh, Harvey Milk.

Harvey Milk. The gays need a holiday. Yeah. Well, they got Easter. We killed Jesus. It's Pride Month right now. Pride Month. They got a whole month.

Yeah, but that's not a holiday. No. Holiday. It is festive. You know, Arizona. I think it's Arizona. They still don't acknowledge MLGay. They're a little gay.

They're still like, ah... Oh, is that right? I believe so. It's either New Mexico or Arizona. I think it's Arizona. They're a little tempe mentor. Oh, fuck. That's not bad.

I liked it. I liked it. But anyway, so you ate your cock on Jim and Sam, which I find hard to believe. Oh, it was ugly, man. You know, I had a wall. I couldn't get over it. I couldn't think of a joke.

Sometimes that happens. That's the thing. You come in here. We come into this pod. I go to Bobby's, Bennington, Jim and Sam. Yes. And you don't have anything. I got nothing.

And you're walking in going this. I mean, if you're at the Cellar Comedy Club, you go, all right, I'm going to do my act. Yes. I got my act. Here, we're just walking in blind. But usually, you know what it is? I woke up, alarm goes off, and I go,

ah, you're going to suck today. I got the mental alarm, the anxiety alarm. Then I'm in the shower. You're going to suck. I brush my teeth. You're going to suck. I'm taking a shit. You're going to suck.

I get on the subway. You're going to suck. I go up the elevator. You're going to suck. I grab a coffee. You're going to suck. I sit down in the chair. It's three hours if you're going to suck.

I'm frozen. And you suck. And I sigh. Bennington's in there with eight glasses on his head. He's got a cigar and a glass of orange juice. I'm joking. Yeah. He talks about how he never sees a doctor.

That seems troubling. Is that right? He was talking about the other day. You were there. New jokes. He's like, I don't go to the doctor. I'm afraid of doctors. I'm like, you should think about it.

Yeah, yeah. Because I mean, he's got to be 108 years old. And he smokes 25 cigars a day. And like you said, he's wearing a monocle and a pair of goggles. He can't see straight. I think he just chews them. I don't know if he's actually puffing those puppies.

He smokes them. He smokes them, believe me. They must be gnarled to hell by the end of the day when he puffs that thing. He chews, he smokes, and I'm not, you know, he's, I don't know how old he is, but he's not, he doesn't look well. I think he had a heart attack way back in the day.

No, no, he might be 31. Fez had a heart attack. Oh, OK. Fez-y. But yeah, so I just couldn't have, I couldn't, you know sometimes, you know what the key is, is just be... Just be loose.

Be loose. Be yourself. But even then, you might not have a joke. I know, but the more you think about it, it's like getting a boner. The more you think about it, the more you're not going to get a boner. I always have a boner,

so that one's never been a problem. Well, I got one on a playground once, so it can be a problem. Yeah, I hear you. But it's kind of like trying to sleep, too. You know when you're laying in bed, you're going, I got to go to sleep, I got to go to sleep. You can't go to sleep.

Yes. And then, but when you just lay there and you go... Ah. You got to accept, accept that you suck and you won't suck. If I just accept it, because that's the kooky thing, we got out of there, we wrapped up,

and everybody left it was me and Sam Roberts, and I go, ah, I blew it today, I sucked, and he was like, what do you mean? And once I started talking about it, I was funny again. Yeah, yeah, you get in there, you get loose, you accept, you acknowledge, you find the joy, you suck your own dick.

I've noticed you do that on stage sometimes. You go, ah, I'm a little nervous right now. I don't know why. And then you're not nervous, because you admitted it. Well, it helps to talk about it, get it out there, you know. But my whole family's a bunch of waspy cunts,

and they don't talk about anything, so that was new to me. Yeah, well, my family never talks about anything, but you got to break loose. Break loose from the chain. I got to be loose. You got to let that shit wash right over you, and you go, yeah, suck, who cares?

And then you forget you suck. Yeah, but it's hard. I mean, you've got plenty of times. I've had plenty of fucking horrible podcasts, where you're like, Jesus, what the hell am I doing out there? Same, same. But also, I think it's a feather in our dick

that we worry about it. A lot of people go, all right, that was great, now I'm going to go blow a homeless man, but we worry about it, which makes us try. No, I've talked about it before. There's plenty of people that go on podcasts, and you're like, what's going on right now? Do you not understand that people are listening to this?

I know, I know. Don't you want to bring a little entertainment? Very straight. That's entertainment. I think they just assume, like, oh, I'm on this. They want to hear me. Nobody wants to hear you. You got to bring it.

You're not entertaining. Be entertaining. Speaking of entertainment, Tuesday night went out to Brooklyn Steel. That's the new hot rock and roll venue. I saw that. It's the big new venue. It's kind of based, it's similar to Terminal 5,

which is the other hot rock and roll venue. Now where is it in the location neighborhood department? It's in kind of East Williamsburg. Oh, Bushwick. Green Point East Williamsburg. Got it. And it's off the, oh, Nassau stop, maybe in the L. I know it.

I know it. Well, this is what we did. So it was Tuesday night, we're going to see Dr. Dog, who's a terrific rock and roll band, and they've been around forever. This is one of these bands that's always touring, you know. And just go to Pandora. Great, great band.

And we had the tickets, Sarah and I, and we went and did, I went and did, you know what, dude. And this was not a, you suck. I felt like I was on, had a good one. Katie Hannigan was on. It was terrific. She's fun. Love Hannigan.

Gabby was great. And Bobby was hot. He made me laugh harder than I've laughed in a long, long time. It was just you three? Well, Katie and I were the only two, they're doing two guests now. They have three regular people on now. Gabby's one of the producers, Mike Suarez, who I love is on there.

And then of course, Bobby, then two guests. So there's still five people. Right. But it was a great episode. Go check it out right now. It came out yesterday, I guess. All right. You know what, dude?

And that show was a lot of fun. And it's been a big part of my life, of course. And we started out with all those fans, which really helped. They got us kind of out the door and into our ass. But I went and did that. And then we went all downstairs and had some wings. Me and Katie and Mike and Gabby and then Sarah met up. Bunch of wings.

We're talking shit. Katie just did Colbert. Keep an eye out for that. Yeah. We're all, yeah. We're trashing him. We're trashing her. We're fucking each other in the ass.

Great time eating wings, fries, mozzarella sticks. You're at the cellar. So Liz is coming by. Ray Romano sat right next to us. Wow, that's fun. I was hoping he would notice me and go, hey. You have that, you know. Everybody loves Joe.

It never hurts. Even if you're married for 11 years, it doesn't hurt to have a billionaire be like, hey Joe. Yes. You know, but he wouldn't look over and there was like this weird thing. I kept like getting up for like, boy, I better get another Coke. Hey, I got nothing. I know that moment. But it is weird.

Also, we're like, everyone's trying to still pretend we're just eating. But like he's sitting, you know, the seats are very tight. Oh yeah. So like you can just hear like, oh, and then I bought a car. I can't do an impression. Of course. Ray Romano. That's all I got.

That's kind of me doing Pete doing Ray. Pete Holmes. But anyway, so it's weird because like we're talking and we're trying to talk, but you just hear him be like, you know when I bought my first house or whatever. I bought my first beach house. By the way, he didn't say that at all. He talks. He's wearing like, you know, ripped jeans and a pair of Nike's.

Sure. He's a sweet man and a great actor and a good comic. Great comic. And it's his favorite restaurant from when I over here. He's like, this is the best wings I've ever had in my life. Great wing over there. Yeah. Hell of a wing at the All Tree Cafe.

But anyway, so we do that. Then it's time to go. So we walk. I was like, let's just walk to the L train. And we're in the cellar, which is about a 10 block walk. Oh, it's a doozy. And in then we even started walking east. So it's a long, about a 20 minute walk over to the Union Square.

You and Ray? Me and Sarah. Ah. Ray never recognized me. Got it. A lot of people love Sarah. So we get to Union Square. We walk down to the L train, which goes east to west,

8th Avenue all the way out to some crazy places. Canarsie. Yes. Which I've got mugged there once. Yeah. Well, it's a strange train because it's all hipsters for a while. And then the hipsters all depart. And then it becomes a little darker shade.

Ah, black folk. Can you say that? I mean, I don't know what you can say anymore. Well, they technically are a darker shade. It's pigment. Yes. So yeah. Pigman.

But anyway, so we go downstairs at Union Square. And I think this Cuomo, I think he's going to lose the gubernatorial election just based on the New York City subway. No Cuomo. Vote for the homo. Vote for Cuomo, not the homo. Which works again. Yes.

That was the big thing with Koch. But now he's running against Miranda there. She's gay? From Sex and the City. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Cynthia Nixon. Yes. I love Sex and the City.

And I think just based on being, you know, a powerful woman and gay and the New York City subway, she could, she could win. All right. Go, Dyke. Of course, it's a state election. There's a lot of people that hate gays and women up there. Sure, sure. But who knows?

But anyways, my point is we walk downstairs and it's one of these things you see on Instagram and Twitter every once in a while where something happened and there's like 5,000 people waiting for the train. Like it's like all the steps and just like cramped. It looks like a 50s phone booth. Yes. And immediately I'm like, no chance in hell. We're leaving.

Right. I'll take a cab or whatever. Have you seen this? Have you experienced this? I have. I had that the other night. I tried to get on the F at rush hour. It was bananas.

It was like in Japan. You couldn't move in there. Yeah, we did that guy with the white gloves and the skit who jams you in. Yeah, yeah. But that wouldn't fly in the Big Apple. Some, you know, Puerto Rican would cut you. Yeah, Lewis. Yes, the goam.

But it's quite a step because usually you and I, we're not traveling at rush hour too often. You know, because we're comics. Thank God. But then you do it once ago. How do people do this every day, twice a day? It is crazy. So then we hop and we get a lift and a lift driver was so nice.

Muhammad. Yes. Which is like 60% of them. The most popular name in the world. No kidding. Yeah. Joe's got to be up there somewhere. I'm sure it's up there.

It's Father's Day is 20. But he was like, hello. You know, he's super friendly. And I was like, yeah, we were trying to take the train. He's like, oh, the train is a nightmare. You got to take the thing. This is a terrible. He's not Indian.

I don't. I can't do impressions. Oh, he wasn't. No, no. He was still doing Romano. No, he was. I don't know what he was, but he was some kind of Middle East. Yeah.

Middle Eastern, I would say. He was a darker shade, but very pleasant. He drove us out to Brooklyn Steel and then this is the worst. So we don't take the train. We take the cab. We get out there and we're like a couple of nerds. I mean, we're in our fifties now and we get out there. The show's doors at seven.

I'm like, I had 745. We pop in there and there's like 11 nerd rock and roll nerds sitting Indian style in the pit together because they wanted the front row seats. That's it? And it's just us. What? Because the show, like Dr. Dog comes on at 9.30. The Oprah comes on at eight.

We're there at like 7.30. Oh, wow. And there's like nobody there. And I'm like, we don't even know who the opener is. We don't even give a shit. So we're like, I don't want to be able to get to the railing for this, whatever band this is. Yeah.

Yeah. So now we're just sitting there like two fucking idiots. Who was it? The track train? Oh, the opening. I don't even know their names. Some open mic band? They, I thought they suck.

They were okay. But then they started, the guy was being a goof and like doing this weird kind of, what do you call it, experimental rock where he's like banging on the piano going, oh my god. And he had like a loopy fucking thing in his voice. He's like, I hate my mother. Oh, God. And it was just loud. And we were like, oh, God, this sucks.

We'll call it angst rock. Yes. It was very silly. And it was also because we felt like chaperones. Everyone lived there. There were a bunch of hipsters that are like 11 years old. Right. You know, a lot of nice.

But I'll tell you a good way to check out women if you're with your girl is to compliment outfits. Ah. You look great in this outfit. I saw that tweet. That's a nice outfit right there. That's a good move. Yeah.

It's pretty good. And then she's like, it feels like we're both checking out the opposite sex, but she's like, look at this douche. I'm like, look at this cunt. Yeah. We're just pointing at people we want to fuck. You know, it's a bad move, though, is if you see a girl and you go, you point, you nudge your girlfriend, you go, that's a fatter version of you.

Oh, that is a bad move. What you think would be nice. I'm saying she's fatter than you. Well, you have to say a fat version of you. Ah. You can say fatter. Fatter implies the original fat. You're on the way.

Yeah. That means you are fat, but she's fatter. Shit. All right. I should have said fat. I take it all back. Yeah. I mean, less fat is also bad.

Less fat is bad. You've got to say that's a fat version of you, meaning you are not fat. You're not fat. It's a fat version. Yes. Got it. Yeah. That's the, that's the fats, Jack.

Damn it. Just the facts, ma'am. Well, you got another try. All right. Hopefully. I need a fat chick to walk by my lady who looks somewhat like her. Well, we got, uh, we got some candidates out there. It's America.

True that. Fat Tuesday. Is that something? Mardi Gras. I thought of Mardi Gras, but I thought that was too regional. Well, then we have Patriots Day in New England. Yeah, you see, that's no good. But those don't really count, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not regional holidays. What is Patriots Day? Well, Patriots Day, it's, I don't know, the Red Sox play at 11. It's Marathon Monday. And it's about the Patriots. I don't know.

Another sort of memorial for, uh, some sort of vets, I guess. Well, you also have Jazz Fest, but that's not, that's more of a fest. Yeah. But we treat it like a holiday. It's Newport Folk Festival. Oh, that's a great one. Which is no longer really folk. No.

But jazz isn't jamming. Like, Pearl Jam plays Jazz Fest. That's true. Paul Simon. Sting. Call me Sting. All right. So you're getting jizzed on.

So we get to Dr. Dodd, the rest of the crowd come. And now we watch this experimental band. We're standing and we're getting old. I'm just tired of standing. My legs hurt. My feet hurt. Yeah. And by the way, we saw Kenny DeForest and Sashir.

Are they were there? They were up in there. They didn't see us. They were way up in the balcony. And we were just staring at them. We were kind of had a running gag. I'm like, I'm going to check on Kenny and Sashir. Up.

They're still back there. That was fun. They were having a great time. It's fun to see a couple from the distance. They really love each other. That is nice. They're doing things. And then later on Instagram, we saw Khalees and Scott Chaplin were there.

Oh, yeah. Both interracial couples and Sarah was born in Africa. She's African-American. We had a triple biracial couple. I love it. Ours is a stretch, of course. But still, it was a hot show. Anyways, so we're sitting there and I'm like, maybe we'll leave early.

My feet are killing me. We've been standing. We hated the other band. We got there so early. Yeah. And now it's packed in. And then Dr. Dodd comes out. And they just kick it and rip it and you forget.

I forget somehow. Watching live music is one of my favorite things in the world. Right away, I feel like a boy. I feel like a schoolboy. I got goosebumps. We're dancing. She's dancing. We're rocking out.

It's just a great time. And everyone's having a great time. And I go to all these Pearl GM shows. You get a lot of fucking douchey bros, a lot of booze, and then there's 20,000 people. So there's like the douchebag factor goes way up. A lot of people filming and like singing out of key. So Dr. Dodd gets a lot of hipsters and you got to stand with these hipsters. We shit on the hipsters.

They're nerds. They're whatever. They're very docile. People. They're very friendly, very kind, very nice, very thoughtful. Well behaved, peaceful. There wasn't one instant of like, look at this fucking asshole. No one's hammered.

No one's moshing. Just a great show, plenty of space. And they kill. It was a killer show. And then there's only 1,800 people. So as soon as we leave, I hit a lift. It pulls right up. Different guys.

Similar style. We're just home. We're home at like 1130. We rocked the night away, got home early enough to watch some TV. We banged and had a great, great time. Go check out Dr. Dodd. They kick ass. I love it.

What a night. Great night. Great date night. Now I got a bunch of other stuff, but I want to kick it over to you because I feel like I just sucked my own dick for half an hour. No, I got a couple of questions. And they're inappropriate, so feel free to take a shit in my taco. Sure.

You have a taco? Sure. But what are we talking pricing for these tickets? 30 bucks. Each. 30 bucks each. And then there's a ticket fee. So it's $78 bucks, something like that.

$78. Now that's $78 and two lifts. Two lifts are $18 each. So $36. So we're talking about $115-ish. We're over a C note here. Yeah, that's pretty good. If you're going to go out, you're going to go over a C note.

I guess so. And then the dinner? No. Well, we went to the cellar and we went there and then Bobby picked up that tab. Oh, you got to love that. Yeah. Well, probably the club might have just picked it up. I don't know if he actually paid.

But we threw down some dough, of course, for the waitress. Right. All right. Just curious. And I had no idea that so many people were in the Dr. D. Well, it's $1,800. I mean, they've been around for 20 years and they're selling $1,800. You think?

Oh, yeah. Man, that's so good. I mean, I don't know about $20, but yeah. Probably $20. They're better than One Direction. Yeah. They're doing arenas. But $1,800 seats.

But $1,800 seats at 30 bucks a ticket. That's not a bad scoop. No, no. I don't know. What do you got? Four people in that trio? There's five guys in the band. Good burger.

And they had one woman come out and do a guest spot. That's what you were thinking. Ah, got it. And those guys, they're hipsters, too. They got silly hats on the glasses, the whole thing. But great, great live band, great live energy. You love it. I love live music.

And I've got a bunch of other shows to go to. Bando Horses. I've got four Pearl Jam shows. And I'm going to Pixies out in the Joe's Beach. Oh, my Lord. Good roster. What? Summer.

Excited. Yeah. Well, I had a hot, you talked about you went home and banged your lady there. I had a fun move last night where my gal fell asleep on the couch with me. We were watching that goddamn documentary, The Staircase. Oh, we're watching The Staircase. It's 18 years long. I'm watching The Staircase.

She already watched it, which is hard when somebody else already watched it. Oh, it's so slow. She's like, well, where do you see this? And I'm like, all right, all right. Oh, it's brutal. Push me down the stairs. I'm dying here. Yeah.

This is so long. The guy clearly did it. Well, don't get too crazy on me because I'm only two episodes in. I feel the same way. I'm watching the whole thing. I'm like, how is this not this guy? I mean, nobody email us. Nobody write to me because it's going to take six more months to watch this fucking thing.

I mean, they could, they could sum this whole cock up and one, one sitting, but we got to go steal it out, stretch it out for 18 hours. Why? Why the stretch? No stretch. And it's Netflix. They don't have commercials. They don't need to keep us on the horn.

Well, it wasn't made for Netflix. It was made years ago. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Netflix just picked it up and speaking of stretching, his asshole must all be stretched out because he went to jail. Yeah. Well, he's been fucked.

Well, you got ahead of me here. Oh, sorry. What was in the news? Oh, all right. Well, I didn't watch the news in 2001. Well, that was the best year. No, no. Oh, I watched a lot of news in 2001 actually.

Yeah. The old twin Tao. But it wasn't about that guy. But yeah, so I won't give away. But he clearly has motivation. She found out he's got all this porn and stuff. He's a big homo. Yeah.

Okay. And oh boy, we're getting shut down. All right. But you know, they're all being gay. But I'm over here. I want to eat my own gum, but I'm not throwing anyone down a flight of stairs. Exactly. Now they're saying an owl hit her in the head.

It's all kinds of stuff. No, I haven't got to the owl. Don't tell me who did it. All right. You made me do it. But all right. So that thing, she's passed out. I'm dying with this thing.

It's killing me. My legs are asleep. My asshole is itching. But I can't get up. So, but I'm horny. You know, I'm tuned up. This, this woman, this guy's gay. He's pushing people on the stairs.

It's my fetish. So I get all horny. So I put her to bed and this is how great of a lady is this. I put her to bed. Your lady or the dead lady? My lady. Okay. I put her to, she's basically dead.

She's knocked out. I'm like walking her to the bedroom. Less fat? Yeah. Yeah. And I, she's dead weight. So I put her in the bed and I put the covers on her and she's on her stomach. Just conked out and her face is out.

So I just dropped her out. What? Oh, you don't want to put this out there. I'm fine with it. I dropped her out. I hit her in the, in the cheek with it once or twice. I knock on the door and she, that's the door. She opens her or the window and she opens her eye.

She goes, oh God. And opens the mouth. I shove it in. She gives it a couple of licks like an owl with a, with a pop, with a blow pop. And I pulled out and that was it. She went to bed. Wow. How about that?

What a fun lady. Now did you talk to her the next day and? No, never came up. Even better. I mean, this sounds a little, little strange. Well, it was cute. It was fun. It was a little message.

You know, it was a little good night. A message. You sent her a message. Yeah. What are you, Luca Bronsi? I popped her on the cheek. She, she opened the, the gate and I put the car in and that was it. But was she conscious?

Did she wake up? Yeah. All right. But I mean, she, she allowed it in. I don't know if you're following the news now, but this could get you into some trouble. Well, she's a fan. Like we're, we're together. No, I know.

I thought it was, it was a fun moment. She giggled. I giggled. She smirked. She giggled. She's a giggle and a smirk. You kind of put in the giggle and a smirk. Oh, big giggle.

Because the giggle and the smirk are key. Big giggle. And a smirk. And a smirk. All right. Puppa smirk. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So, yeah, it was a fun moment. And then bombed on Jim and Sam, ate the free meal, came here. I'm on the F train or the M train and this Asian guy in a business suit is across from me. And he goes, Mark Norman, big deep voice Asian business suit. And I go, yeah. And he goes, huge Tuesday.

Really? I go, get out of here. And I take my earbud out. I go, come on. And he comes next to me. And he goes, I don't want to take up too much of your time. Can I get a photo? Ooh.

And I go, you got it. They love photos. Yeah. The Asians like a pic. And he goes, I heard about you guys from Bobby's Pod. So there you go. Wow. We were just referencing that.

That's the one. No kidding. That was on the way here today. Lobby's Pod. Yeah. That's a stretch. I think they could say B. But yeah.

Robert Kelly. There. Robert Kerry. Yeah. Yeah. Robert Kerry. Robert Kerry. All right.

That was a lot of stretching. Yeah. Well, so did her mouth. No kidding. I bumped into a Tuesday on the train the other day. And that was nice. He came over and chatted me up a little bit. Another couple of Tuesdays.

A lot of Tuesdays. They're all over the place. They're out there and loving every minute of it. I was a little hurt that I didn't get recognized at the Dr. Dog. I thought that was going to be something. Yeah. The hipster fucks. Yeah.

But pick up a podcast. They might hate us. Who knows? I got to dabble with a little bit of Syracuse too. Please dabble and diggle. I got to tell you, I had one of the highlights of my whole comedy career happen in Syracuse, if you can believe it. Whoa.

You don't hear that every day. No, you don't. You don't hear it any day, really. Lay it on me, Fetty. So Syracuse was a couple of weeks ago. But last week, we alluded to, I talked about it a little bit. And it wasn't that much crazy. But I'm on stage at Syracuse.

And I actually had some pretty good sets out there at Syracuse, which made me proud. I'm like, maybe I don't know if that means I'm getting better or worse. Right, right. Tough room, folks. Tough room. Tough town. So the guy that drove me to radio, I think his name was Robert too, sweet guy. He's moving to San Antonio, but he said something that I thought was a good point.

He's like, this is an underratedly shitty city. Like people don't bring up Syracuse as like a horrible city. He's like, but we're in like the top 10 unemployment, suicide. Horrible city. I've always said that. I mean, like people think of Syracuse as the school, the college. That's it. But you go down, it's a rough town and they're like having a lot of economic problems.

Oh yeah. Problems. Oh yeah. All the businesses are closing. That mall is the only thing cooking. Destiny. Destiny. It's a giant mall and it's so cold there that people just want to go in a mall and just

walk around. You can't walk around outside. I think they get the most snow worst unemployment. Yeah. It's a really tough town. It makes Buffalo look like Palm Springs. Oh yeah. Buffalo is tremendous compared.

I like Buffalo. I like Buffalo too. On its own. Yeah. I'll be there at some point with Matt Wayne. I don't know when though. Oh yeah. Maybe October or something like that.

I'm coming to Buffalo Helium folks, so get your tickets early. Check the website. I don't know when it is. I think it might be August. Maybe August. Maybe October. Maybe it's September. I bet it's September.

Oh no. That was nice. So close. You threw it in the busted bills hat. What's it called? Branded. Branded bills. Thank you again.

Great hats. Yes. Great hat. As long as you're not from Massachusetts. Oh boy. No. It's amazing. Great hat.

I love the hat. Seriously. And I don't want to give away too much of my act because I might, I want people to come and buy tickets and I might try to sell a special at some point. Yeah you will. But I do a whole bit and we talked about it on the pod about going to the Dead Sea. Yes. And my dick hole burned.

That's the joke. It's a salty, salty sea and I had a big, burny dick. Sodium cock. And a lady said she had been to the Dead Sea and I said boy did you have a vagina burn and then she, I did the whole bit, long bit and I said did you have a vagina burn? And she said I only went in knee deep and then I had a moment, you know you get that big joke and you go oh boy this is going to be big and then I said me too. Wow.

The biggest laugh of my career. I mean this place exploded. That's a bit right there, that's a zing. The dome came down, I mean it was an applause for like five minutes, a guy came up on stage, he blew me, he was half asleep. Yes. I felt bad about it. He was knee deep.

He was wide, people were throwing chicken wings at each other and it was like blues brothers, I mean it was quite a murder. I mean A you get the off the cuff bump. Off the cuff bump is big. Joke off the cuff, it's 20% more laughs and it's a good joke. Yes. Sometimes it's a mediocre joke but it's off the cuff so it gets a big pop, that's a good joke and off the cuff.

And it's a big dick joke. A dick joke. A dick joke. People love, especially in the cues. And it was really something, it was so good that now since I've just been telling the story as is. Because you want to recreate, the rest of my set I'm just going how can I recreate that moment.

Yes. But you can't have an audience plant. I think you can get that in the act. So now I do it, now I just, I go on stage and I go boy I was telling this joke and a lady said I only went in knee deep and I said me too and then people go ahhh it still gets a big laugh. Oh there you go. I go I'll just tell the story because I don't want to be disingenuous.

Sure. On stage. I say throw it in. I'm throwing it in but boy it was quite a, you threw it in last night but it was quite a moment and it felt great. So then later on the same shows, one of these shows where like special things happen. Oh yeah. I was doing a joke, the set up for the joke, it's a joke about my sister-in-law or whatever

and the set up is you ever send a text. One time I was hanging out with my sister-in-law and my wife was like hey how's things going with my sister and I wrote great she's a lot of fun I wish you were her. Aha. I meant to write I wish you were here and it goes on from there. But that's the set up. So if you ever send a text too fast and then you miss a letter or a word it changes the whole meaning.

I don't actually pause. I'm just setting up the joke. I don't actually want to hear anybody. But these two ladies they start howling laughing. I mean they're like pushing each other in the bushes, clapping, knocking over drinks, squeezing each other's tits so I go what happened here? And the lady's like I just had one and it's a laugh not a cry. She can't even get it out.

I mean I gotta hear this because this sounds like it's insane. And I mean they are like the tables just dying and this is like only ten minutes after the other thing. Oh boy you're on a roll. So I go well hit me with it what happened and she's like okay okay I just dropped my phone in the toilet. And I tried to write to my boyfriend I dropped my phone in my piss. But it's auto corrected and said I dropped my phone in my puss.

Oh that's fun. So she tells it and the crowd dies laughing at that. Big puss joke. You dropped it in your puss and then a guy over here goes I hope it was on vibrate and that explodes. Oh shit. The crowd goes crazy. Oh shit.

And this is like the biggest laugh I've ever heard an audience member get and I'm like this is insane. Wow. This is like a crazy night. Look at that. Now the problem is now everyone starts trying to be like oh and yelling out I'm like alright it's over everybody. Yeah.

That was magical. How's the signal in there? That guy. Yeah. The guy had a great line. She had a great story and everybody. Oh and that was the other thing I was like so why was this years ago she's like this happened a half hour ago and everybody was like oh that's fun.

Quite a night. Maybe I'll put it on the Patreon or something but I don't want to give away all my material but no no no. It was quite a night and quite a time. Yeah it's to be alive. And then Saturday day we went down to the park oh I gotta give a shout out to a fan who recommended I don't need to find his name. That's why you gotta go see live comedy folks because anything like that can happen in a

room and it's amazing and special in magic. You never know what's gonna happen but this guy I forget his name I don't even need to find it. He sent me an Instagram message and a lot of times people say you gotta go do this you gotta go do that and it's whatever. Yeah. But he sent me this long message of things to do in Syracuse I think it was called something part it was a great coffee shop and a great park and I fucking forget both I'll think

of them later. But we did it we actually did it we went to the coffee shop it was great we went to this park Craydon park Hayden park there was a den in there. Hayden. Damn fools. It was me and Steve Rogers who I love this guy's up and he's gonna be big this guy. You think so. Oh yeah.

All right. I didn't say it like that. Oh boy. Maybe not big but he's gonna have some amount of success. Bet some money on it. He's gonna be he's a little guy but he's he loves comedy I mean he's just writing and bouncing bits he listens to the party I mean he's always I like him he's always writing sweet sweet guy laughs at everything really likes to work hard and try he's got the two

best parents I've ever met in my life. Two parents. He's got two parents. Wow. That's good. That's tough to do with this day and age. I know and to both be good parents that's rare. That's a good point.

I mean his dad I love this guy he's I like him better than the son isn't that weird. I guess I've just reached an age where like mothers and dads are better than daughters and sons. Yeah I guess so. Yeah so anyways I'd like to hang out with his dad more often. Yeah. I don't want to fuck him but that'll send me a photo. Dad like to blow.

He's a Dilb. A Dilb. A Dilb. Alright Dilbert. Am I blowing that guy? Nah. I guess I don't really want to blow anyone but you but I'll take it. Well if you fall asleep I'll put it in.

He's got a text from Chris DeStefano that says let me see you naked just a random text. We're having fun folks you see why you gotta cut back all the meat too in the HR we get it fun. Well I get meat too by Chris D. twice a day I mean I just get a picture of his asshole his stick and check out his butt. Check out the first of all get on the Patreon for God's sake so you're not on the Patreon. That live episode from Moontower is great and we did a queef with him from Moontower. That's right.

And goddamn I mean you are missing out. He's a funny mofo. But we went to the park me and Alvin and Tom one day and we sat in the park and what a great day. Beautiful day. They're smoking weed. I'm smoking a cigar. You have go pack Joe brought me a Cuban.

Oh what a guy. Thank you Phil M. appreciate it so I'm smoking a Cuban and we threw the softball around we brought some gloves we're throwing the ball around they're smoking weed I'm smoking a cigar and all of a sudden we're sitting there we have a moment of just kind of silent you know reflection we're like what a life we're leading this is great and all of a sudden we hear stuff nothing did and now we're like what the fuck is going on here is there an Asian getting murdered over there and so we go let's go we gotta go figure out what's going on here and we walk up and it shakes beer in the park yeah Julius Caesar get out

of here happening and it must be some students or some local dicks whatever it is but they got a big thing it's a big outdoor amphitheater built into the grass natural amphitheater a to twos gay exactly and they really they're yucking it up and don't do but also blam blam bullshit yeah we're in skirts and tights the Ides of March March 15th yeah almost St. Patrick's day yes beware of it then we sat and watch that that was one of those moments you're like boy I wish I was smoking weed too it seems like this would be a lot more fun if I was high yeah that helps everything I guess well not everybody but anyways we sat we watched a little bit of that and we just had a great time I had cheesecake factory

four days in a row let me guess for cheese pasta cheese pasta exclusively all four days in a row with extra sauce and yeah now I'm just fat yeah I got a problem so I can't breathe well but I tell you I've slowed down the sauce ironically and I am I am just eating those sweets you want them you crave them I want a dove bar I want a fucking Snickers I want a milky way up my ass something well it's it's sugar you know and addictive it's more addictive than the cocaine they say that's what I've heard I got and I'm with Ari I think you were there and I was like I can't stop drinking soda he's like oh soda is the easiest thing to quit if you want to lose weight the easiest thing to do is cut out soda I was

like what are you talking that's like that's an ignorant statement the easiest it's addictive it's more addictive than coke and whatever sex yeah you got into an Ariment oh yeah yeah but soda is tough I didn't grow up with it right so I my parents didn't have it in the house so I don't I drink a coke and I'm like oh god it's like effervescent and sweet I can't do it I mean I love it I got something else happening in Syracuse I just I guess got a look you want to throw something in there I see I've zilch we've just recorded I'm still bummed out from that bomb I had with the big Ben Inkton and just weird how some days you got it and some days you can't even compute yeah it's hard I mean it's hard to be funny

but it makes you wonder but sometimes it's so easy and natural sometimes like man the funniest guy ever I'm quick I'm zinging I'm zanging and then sometimes just there was like a it was like a cap on it I couldn't branded build it was like I couldn't think of anything love branded bills three great ones hat trick oh yeah yeah Louisiana New York and New York but yeah yeah so but now you start worrying like what if I get what if I get to be a bigger comic they'd have you on Fallon you're on the couch you're fucking blanking can you imagine that well you gotta prep I guess you're gonna have a bit on there but yeah it's definitely hard but I watch a lot of panel and people eat it really yeah

not necessarily stand up comedians but like a lot of people they think they're telling a story and it's just kind of nothing yeah late night host is such a hard job because you have to pretend it's funny and interesting right I watch Conan he's so good but like he's so good at like adding or asking questions or laughing yeah I mean found sometimes it's like he's laughing too I don't know how you do that yeah it's amazing that he can pull that off like every moment he's like I mean so good for him you could see like when Burr or Louis back in the day was on you can see that they're like oh this is good right they're just going with it instead of like trying to help right they're just like you you're killing

you go yeah it's a tough tough gig but yeah I mean always you feel like oh boy what if I don't have anything yeah I know it's terrifying I and I want to learn how to shake it I need to get rid of this this part of me well what you have to do is accept that sometimes you might not have that much stuff and trust that you're funny and well now like Jim and Sam you're on enough they know that you're on I mean they know that they already like you and they can just be like oh that was an update and also I think the audience our fans comedy fans they're much less critical but even though even though you get people writing you suck and yeah I hope you die most people they just go I thought it was great I had that yesterday

we were talking about Denver comedy works last week and people wrote in like I was at the Saturday show what are you insane I've never laughed so hard in my life yeah so people don't really they don't know they don't notice all right I mean some people probably like boy that sucked yeah but you know you have that thing we're like you know you you're at the cellar and you kill it but you weren't there you know I mean you weren't in the zone but you knew how to kill of course out but you knew you weren't free and you're how good you could be right so I sometimes we have that which is also good that you're still able to kill even though you're not in the zone of course but but there's nothing better when

you're killing and in the zone you really feel like you earned it I feel like people with comedy have no idea no how much is going through our head like this time's around killing I'm literally I've been in St. Louis last year I was having a full panic attack throughout an entire set I've had that too oh there's times where like you're literally on stage and I'm thinking about like my relationship with my mother or like you know past yeah I'm like do I did I eat this my stomach's great am I having a heart attack what am I gonna die how am I gonna die and meanwhile you're just killing right and the best analogy is like a like a duck in water they just look like they're kind of floating around but if

you look underneath their feet are like they're like panicking if their feet are kicking a mile a minute but you just see I mean it looks like they're just kind of cruising around the top right right that's good the feeder our mind aha and then sometimes that mind shit slips into the joke so I'll literally be like boy I was at the Dead Sea and my mother doesn't hug me well I mean sorry my dick is burning yeah yeah you know yeah yeah you know Google's weird I can't get it up and sometimes I go Bing yeah Bing is how you get it up Google that Aaron Rodgers load my god have you seen this at home folks did we talk about this on the pod we talked about it on the page yeah yeah we pulled it up on the

Patreon live and we got a but I think you have all kinds of virus you have more viruses than I have my dick yeah what viral let me tell you about this last night this is probably might extend us oh I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna tease a little and give you a story and then into a big thing tease me I'm going yesterday I left Alan's office great therapies I have one of these therapy sessions though where you're like I start off by being like I don't have much oh those are the best it's like a pod I'm like I don't know what to tell you like I feel great I've never felt better I had a great time comes out of you though yeah I guess but then I'm just trying to search I'm like I guess I blew a guy in DC 88 my mom's

gay and he's like is that right I'm like no I made it up yeah but anyways I had a good Alan's Sesh then I check my movie times and Mr. Rodgers will you be my whatever the hell the movie's called the documentary my neighbor yes is playing at 430 I got a 345 so I stroll down to Lincoln Plaza I'm there to where I get my ticket movie pass then I sit here on Broadway where we are now there's like a island strip up yes center of Broadway I know it will so there's you know trees and stuff there's benches so I sit on a bench on a little island between it's a two-way street big road it's Broadway by the way a bench in New York is like a gas station in a small town is like you know everyone is

yes there's such real estate because it's your feet are killing you you walk around all day you need a bench so I sit on the bench I do a little bit of writing got a couple premises I'm writing down some shit and then I overhear every once in a while you hear of a street argument but it could just be a New Yorker or a crazy but this I don't know how it started was a young black male who had a white girlfriend and then an old white street guy like a homeless street person boy and I don't know how it started no n words fortunately hallelujah but the white guy was accusing the black guy of not being black he's like you ain't even black motherfucker you ain't even black wow show me your dick show me and he was kind of walking away the

girl was like holding back be like oh Tyron no no yeah and he was like fuck you come bring it you fucking piece of shit wow fucking kill you and the guy's like oh shut up you ain't a tough guy you're not even black show me your cock shut lift up your shirt pull on your pants and show me a guy the guy had like you know like flowery Hawaiian basketball shorts on like sneakers that were too big was made a cardboard and like his hair was all wily is the white guy the black guy is the white street guy and he's carrying all kinds of bags and stuff you know an unfortunate street person yes and by the way he's screaming at like a probably a 25 year old looks like he played linebacker in high school big guy yeah

big guy not like huge but like an in shape works out young black male got it so like the guy's not gonna farewell yeah but he was kind of walking away and this kid the black guy and his girl on the corner in front of the movie theater and he's like yeah keep coming you fucking asshole fuck you and the guys you know of course like retreating walking away onto my island and I'm the only one there so now the guy is standing right in front of me which is making me nervous is obviously he's an unstable person clearly and these people can switch their the object of their anger yes yes big switch so I'm trying to make eye contact I'm writing in a nope I'm so vulnerable my legs are crossed like a lady I got a notebook

open my backpacks open I'm literally writing and I'm waiting for me like what are you writing you what what do you think you're black to show me a dick yeah which I would have it's a nice dick sure and depending on the breakout yeah a lot of successful people enjoy doing that so so they got jokes don't block the door so he didn't so anyways the the guy he's yelling and then he goes to cross the street again because it's two roads you to cross now he's on the island me he's gonna keep crossing and I'm like oh god he's leaving thank god but then the traffic is coming so he gets stuck so now I'm stuck on the island and he's just looking right at me he's looking around I can see like I look over like the couples kind

of rich they're leaving okay that was crazy and he's just like motherfucker thinks he's black I don't know and I like it was so crazy because I'm like black I think some of these guys people from like the 70s or something are like he's not that ain't black black is smoking parliaments and wearing a suit whatever the I don't know what the hell he thought like superfly yeah but it was just this awkward moment fortunately you know nothing happened between us and he was still angry I tried to use some Alan where I'm like he's not mad at me he's mad at that guy he's not gonna fight me or whatever but I'm like it's weird when you're like I'm completely isolated there's no way to go yeah there's traffic zooming by

either way I'm just sitting here with this crazy person but fortunately no punches thrown he leaves and now that's my lead up to go see the Mr. Rogers film oh boy you're all over the road and folks you gotta go see the film thank you I mean beautiful beautiful film beautiful man I just it's a little slow but that's who he is the whole the whole show was slow but it's it's well done it's well paced and they cover everything it's slow and I could have gotten a little more into his childhood I guess they were like I started off from adulthood and kind of alluded to childhood well there's no footage of that I guess I guess but he was he had a what is he had he had some kind of disease disease he

had some ailments as a child oh yeah he missed his childhood he was always in bed he couldn't go outside yeah it was a whole thing he played music he was a big musician he wasn't allowed to do things but quite a guy and Phil would love now it's interesting because I hated the show I was like this show is shit I love this show I love the show it was just like pussy I was like this guy sucks he's like oh hello mr. oh I was like this guy sucks well what are you 21 watching it I was four four for even when I was like young young I remember just being like this is silly I liked you know loony tunes I like that too I was like this is like I hate I just it looked shitty but now as an adult I'm like boy this guy was

like brilliant and really special and amazing and can you imagine if he was around now oh man god I mean he's talking about like kids and helping kids like the kids are getting shot in the face yeah that's true and then the molestation yeah well that was always happening I guess so yeah can you imagine his response to Sandy Hook I mean the guy would kill himself good point sweet sweet man and go see the movie first of all go see the movie pay to go see it because we need to support movies like this first of all it's an important time to go and see learn about love and learning yeah but we got to get some money to these document because I'm tired of this Transformers 6 and all this shit go see

a good sweet hearted quality doc it's a good point and the guy was such a sweet man he was such a good egg there's no more good eggs it feels like well the best part of the movie that that that could have been the climate one of the coolest things I've ever seen was that Senate hearing oh my god that was amazing I showed the Sarah last night you can see it in full on YouTube and it's amazing like the like Johnson yeah I feel like if that was in a movie be like well that was all easy yes the guy's like all right Rogers let's say like back then senators will I could really just there was no political correctness right so he was like okay who's the next idiot to get up here I mean who gives a shit I mean

the guy's like talking like a cartoon character and he looks like he looks evil he's got the eyebrows and the fucking glasses yeah you gotta watch the scene I mean or you even if you can't see the movie YouTube fucking Mr. Rogers 1969 Senate hearing yeah it's amazing because Lyndon Johnson who because of Vietnam doesn't get the credit to be one of the great presidents of all time this guy's like a civil rights hero LBJ LBJ unbelievable I mean he fucked up Vietnam so bad but he did so much for civil rights and black people voting and like he's like this guy was like a real hero well they give it all to Kennedy and created PBS always that right that's what they say in the movie like they started this on that

one public you fall asleep in the movies a lot that's a problem well if you weren't getting up to 6 a.m. to tweet you'd be all right to eat what well you're always up early I don't know what's going on either it's you got some problems but anyways and then Nixon he tried to nix it yes immediately now his daughter's running for governor yikes is that her I don't think so she's not a crook millhouse maybe was he said I think he was lying though yeah I'm not a crook peace great Americans deserve to know if their president is a crook but I'm not a crook anyways yeah he tried to get rid of this PBS then they had to make a whole Senate hearing to see if they could save PBS they wanted $20 million all these people tried that no one

give a shit the Senate was mean and then Rogers he just speaks from his heart all sweet and slow and the guys like well looks like you just got yourself $20 million and then everyone claps in the Senate hearing and then the crowd in the movie started clapping I was crying like a girl it was amazing I cried too and he just told a little story it seemed like oh this is gonna bomb but he hit the nerve of that guy he tug tugged on the heart string the guy takes a glass of over he goes all right well I like it he's like I think it's fantastic that's what it was amazing and then he's like I wrote a 10 minute speech but you're obviously very tired he's like I'll trust that you'll read it and the guys like he interrupt

them he's like do you want to read your speech yes and then mr. Rogers is like no no I'll just talk about my speech and how I feel heart spoke from the heart and then in the middle of it the guys like can I get an episode of this can you send me an episode it's like it's the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen in my life I know no one never changed their mind ever and this guy changed 20 million in the spot unbelievable so YouTube the Senate here because at the whole they don't show the whole thing right so go see the ghost in the movie YouTube the Senate hearing and be fucking kind to each other nice here here you know Chris Hardwick's getting his ass kicked this guy's going to jail stop trying to hurt everybody just be a good egg and stop

everybody's outraged I feel like it's phony no one's being a good person they tweet they go hey these kids are in cages I don't think you really care I think you want some likes well be nice be nice be nice I care person I just feel like everybody's a phony good person and we go that guy's great and then he rapes three women yeah so we're I think we're focusing on the wrong shit we're going he told a joke about Jews put him in jail but the juju guys fine the priest is the one molesting the kids don't rape don't rape don't put your dicks and girls mouths when they're asleep and don't fuck a cub scout be nice I just notice this hat's blacker than that hat I like the black hat dark shade can I keep the black hat I think so

well you're wearing the black you got a black Louisiana well what is that that's a grayish hat is that new show me work gray New York what I want the New York are you want to New York give them the brown you can take the brown Massachusetts but that one's great I just want this black one I like the black I like the gray I didn't know this to you like the gray and I like the black for me that works out well alright hey thank you busted bills what's it called branded branded bills yeah I get the guys name and then Rishi we got your gift guys and I saw last week at the village underground so thank you Rishi it came to hot suit we saw me had to open a show I didn't do that great but thanks Rishi love you Rishi and

love you branded bill guys seriously check out branded bills hats these are killer hats oh and who set the Chipotle cards show that was Rishi those are replacements Rishi from the ones the the bullshit ones you got us all right pull a fast one on us you know I saw a cabbie getting a fist fight the other day really cabbie so half hour ago nothing happened they they was pretty funny this big black guy and like an Indian guy or behind and he goes up to the Indian guys window and he's like you motherfucker up up up up and the Indian guy you can tell he's like oh wait till I get to see and he's fumbling with a seatbelt but he can tell he's waiting for the light to turn green but he wants to look like he's involved in that light didn't

turn green I'll tell you what and then they black had to get back in this car was a good time no kidding I look like fumble it was a smart fumble and he played it off well it was well acted wow maybe he's in the biz maybe sag driving a cab that's a name I didn't make sense sags on an Indian name it could be a guess saggy saggy all right what do we do where you gonna be there I don't know but this is the hardest I've laughed in a long time yeah well I feel like I went on a weird rant there with the being nice to people it got weird but I liked it you being you I think people are focusing on the wrong things in life well I know what the only part I'm disagreeing is I think the caged kids a good place to focus I thought that was a

little well odd for choice I think some people tweet about it they go I'm a good person you go now you're not you didn't do anything yeah well yeah yeah I don't disagree about it too don't be wrong but that doesn't mean I did anything yeah we're you know it's a it's a crazy time but back padding yeah oh love to back pat I'm on the back come I want someone to come between my shoulder blades and that's doing something to me yeah feed me my own come but we gotta wrap up we got a time limit Shelby looks pissed where am I gonna be I'll tell you Providence comedy connection July 1921 love that city Brown University strip clubs Italian food they own the next door oh yeah they do those guys are doing all right yeah Corey and Dave love those guys

known him a long time I'm gonna be at Vodafone comedy festival in Dublin August hot month dog days of summer Hartford funny bone please come out to that that one can be rough August second through the fifth hyenas in Dallas Dallas in August that's gonna be something that's gonna be hot as fuck August 16th through the 18th please come out because I'm missing my honeymoon for that not honeymoon anniversary and then a big one August 10th I'm coming to the Pacific Northwest Bellevue parlor live get your tickets early it's no I'll get August 10th August 9th excuse me Thursday August 9th parlor live it's in between two Pearl Jam shows the 10th so come out Bellevue Seattle Tuesdays come from Portland come from Vancouver come from all over one night only

OTO one time one time only then Albany funny bone later and then that Buffalo dated September 13th through the 15th I'm also gonna be in Alabama for the first time in my life Huntsville yeah September 6th through the 8th a lot of dates hilarity September 20th through the 23rd or 22nd and the soxuring time that we can solve you that ballgame so come out to hilarious Cleveland Buffalo Dallas Alabama Alabama that's what they make ketchup oh Nelly is that right yeah no kidding I might have made that up so and then hit the patreon you're missing out if you're not on patreon great stuff on patreon we got to work something out because I mean I'm going to Italy for a couple days so just want to make sure we get a pot I know I'm going for like two weeks

too two weeks well 10 day I want to launch you all in the main so we'll figure out what we'll work it around show go here's looking at you DC draft house coming up with my old pal Chris Al then helium Portland Oregon one of my favorite clubs and favorite cities then I'm doing a stage one I think it's called in heart cancer no wait a minute oh shit what's that place called that's coming up stage one at Fairfield Theatre Company in Fairfield Connecticut oh one nighters that'll be fun that's at the end of June then we got a nice uh geez funny bone Hartford again in Connecticut come out to that that club can really kick a man sold into the dirt funny bone Omaha Nebraska side splitters in Tampa hyenas in Dallas right after

JoJo comedy club Gotham New York City stress factory in New Jersey should have spread these out a bit Uncle Vinnie's in New Jersey and all kinds of fun stuff rumors at Winnipeg gonna hate that weekend and uh yeah Tyler Zaney's Chicago a lot of Tuesdays out there Skyline and Appleton but I'm this is way in the future so uh come on out kiss your mother tell your friends you know us you love us you hate us praise I'll uh yell at your potlake keep the cards coming see us live hit the Facebook hit the Twitter email us if you got a problem or have something nice to say go see the Rogers dock keep it real bye thank you Brandon Bills