Tuesdays with Stories! - #252 Rickety Chicken Flight

Episode Date: July 3, 2018

Hot tamale, it's a jizz filled Tuesdays as the guys have a little cum talk before getting into how they ran into Allison Williams while on their way to get ice cream, Joe's motel & golf filled trip to Cleveland and Mark's comings and goings around the New York comedy scene. Check it out! Sponsored by: "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Ridiculously Self-Indulgent, Ill-Advised Vanity tour" now on Stitcher Premium. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com/weirdal and use promo code 'STORIES' Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Go on iTunes and give the pod a #5StarLunch review!

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Nah. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey ho! Look at us. Sitting in my apartment. I'm almost at our apartment. Yeah, I don't live here.

No, you should move in. It's a little tight for my liking. Comedy house. I like it tight. What? Huh? I think you can find two things at once. Oh well.

I like it tight. Comedy house. Oh, I see. There we go. I missed the punctuation. I lived in the Everett House of Comedy for years. We tried to record an album. Me and E.J. Murphy and Sean Dunovan and Tom Dustin.

And later Alvin David. An album. We recorded an album. The Everett House of Comedy album. But it didn't go so hot. And then we were all drunk so it never went anywhere. An e-hoc. That's what we used to call it.

Oh, look at that. The e-hoc. The Everett House of Comedy. The Barracks. Because that's what they used to call the Barracks. And when stand-ups stood out the old boss. But that had been done already. And Everett House of Comedy.

Stuck. Yeah. And we had everyone sign the door. You've been in there. I think up at some point. Was that the guitar hero? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that place is great.

Two stories of just mayhem, jizz, flies, and old dishes. Yeah. And we, we, we, we, yeah. That place caught fire one time. Like a, it was really a wild time. We only had one actual party where we're like, we're having a party. Oh nice. And there was like a fist fight in the living room between my buddy Matt and a firefighter.

And buddy of mine named Crafty. Crafty. They got in a fight. And then at one point Crafty wandered downstairs, which was Tom's parents' house. What? They live below? They live below. I didn't know that.

Oh, we'd go all night. They were very friendly. I mean, Tom and Al still live there. So the Everett House of Comedy still exists. Oh, that should be like a stop on a tour. Oh yeah. Go up there to Everett. Bring your bulletproof vests and your knives.

But it's a little dicey now. Yeah. They shot Sicario two there. We had those. What is that? Like Italian beef joint? Oh, Mike's roast beef. Mike's roast beef.

Yeah. I just took Ari there recently and you got to go now while it's hot because they're opening a big casino. So it might be shut down soon. I got the chicken parm and the super beef three way. Yeah. I've had one of those. A couple.

We had a three way too. I mean, you can go check out Ari's show. I tell that story. Well, it's Thanksgiving today. Thanksgiving night. And that that happened at the Everett House of Comedy. A lot of memories there. That was a prostitute.

No, no, it wasn't a prostitute. It was two strippers we had over and then a random lady showed up before the strippers rando a rando Rambo the first blood. She showed up. He was on a period and it got cookie. The whole video is on YouTube. I don't want to get into it now. But all right.

It was quite a night. It was Xanax and spaghetti. It was a whole situation. Was she toothless? No. That was a different lady that blew all of us. There was a couple different incidences. Incidences.

She blew so many guys. He knocked a tooth out. Now the tooth was gone already. My dick was small enough to fit right in between there. Yes. And yeah, she blew everybody in the house. A big force of four blow jobs in one day. Who did you finish?

I didn't fit it. I could never finish back in those days as I was on Paxol and alcohol and the other thing. Yeah. Yeah. I had to finish blow jobs. I feel guilty about getting one and I feel so grateful at the same time and I can't believe it. It's a lot to consume.

I feel terrible. One time I had sex and then sex vaginal sex straight to the blow job. And then the whole time I was like, Oh God, I'm really sorry. You're eating your own pussy here. They like that. I think they do. I think it's kind of hot. But their own juices are going right back in.

Yeah. Some do. You know, I would like that. Yeah. Yeah. Come on his back, folks. I don't have my own back. That's impossible.

All right. Well, you could roll down through your ass crack and no cup. It'd have to be like, it looks like you're doing an impression of somebody with, you know, Down syndrome. Oh, a retard. Trying to lick the, no offense if you're a DS listener. DSLs. Uh-huh.

Down syndrome listener. Dicks like a lips. I was telling you just yesterday, I was jerking it. You know, you start typing a computer and you're like, Ah, I got so much porn right here. I knocked this out. So I start jerking it at the laptop and I go for a sock. And the only, I just did laundry. So the only thing in the hamper was a girl sock, which is about the size of a thimble.

It's like a dick, dick sock. Yeah. You got a small footed wife. Tiny little hoof. I mean, this thing, it's just a baby calf, little toe there. A leg extension. And so I throw this dick sock on, but apparently they're, they're sheer. So I shot right through this puppy.

Oh. Cause they're like a see-through almost or thin fab. I don't know. So I shot right through it and I got a bunch of hot load on my leg. Oh. Then it was dripping out. So I had to catch it. So now I got a hot load on my hand.

It was like that scene of Mission Impossible where he puts his hand under the drip. Oh yeah. To catch it before it hits the, you know, the knock list or whatever. And so it was hot. And I forgot like, Oh, this is kind of nice. Yeah. It must feel nice in the couch to have a hot load shot in there. I always wonder how much, how well can you feel it?

Are you feeling the load hit you or not? Really? I don't think they feel the load, but I talked to a girl once and she said, biologically, you enjoy when a guy jizz is in there because it's what's supposed to happen. And you feel the sucking of it. Like it sucks it in there. Really? Cause it's like, Oh, we're supposed to have a kid.

Here we go. No, I know they're into it cause they're always like, come inside me. I need you to come inside me. Just blow it in there. I think it's hot. But I wish they could feel the hot goo inside cause it feels like it would be nice, but I think you can also feel the dick. Convulsing.

Convulsing. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I feel it in there. It's just getting all wackadoo. We got a lot of ladyfans email us Tuesdays with stories at Gmail. What's it like to have a hot load blown in your, in your pussy? And then we have some gay men.

If you have any of you have taken a hot load in the ass, tell me about that. That might feel like die hard here. Die hard. Diarrhea. Oh, diarrhea. Diarrhea usually goes out, not in. I know, but it's got to roll out. Oh, yeah.

So you might think you're just dropping for a soft serve out of you. A very small amount. Sure. So maybe you and I have felt what it feels like to have load come out of our ass. Maybe. But not in. Cause I have shit water, warm water. Yeah.

So right in straight women and gay men, what's it like to have something shot right in your cunt and or asshole? Yes. I shouldn't say cuntal. That's horrible. Cunt is nice. I apologize. Cunt is hard.

Cunt is hard if you talk about a person's personality. She's a cunt. No, I think it's even harder when you say the vagina. I like the cunt. I like the cunt. To me, I like it because it's exactly what it is. If I go, hey, Joe, you're a dick. But if I go, hey, Joe, your dick's out.

To me, it's nicer because that's the actual thing. Yeah. But cunt is harder than dick. Dick is like, it's a name. There's no women named cunt. Cunt Williams. Cunt Jones. But yeah, maybe it's only harder because we make it harder.

That sounded weird. But you know what I mean? Like the dick is fun. Guys say, hey, you fucking dick. Get me that stapler. That's true. But it's like the same with slut. You know, women are like, you call us sluts.

That's not fair. It's like, yeah, well, you could make it. It's like the n-word. You take it. You flip it. Well, they did that with bitch, I think, a little bit. Yeah. My bitch is.

Bitch. Bitch, you'd be crazy or whatever. Bitch, give me that stapler. Yeah, I think they did that a little bit with that. I don't know. It's interesting. But anyways, hot loads in the pussy. Yes.

So yeah, I just all over myself and I forgot how hot it is. Not just hot temperature-wise. And it's kind of comforting. It's like being back home. Yeah, it seems nice. You get on your belly, but like this hair there, you don't really notice it. But on the leg and your thigh is so sensitive to temp

that it was really a steamer. Come is fun. It's like a wacky. It's fun. It's kids in there. Yeah. It looks like somebody sneezed a little bit. Like a dog sneeze, maybe.

Yeah, you can get a lot. Like if you put jizz under a microscope, I bet you'd look, it would just look like San Francisco. Like just people waving and shit. My face with glasses and a little tail. Oh, that's fun. Because it's you. Yes.

You're in there. Right. You're in. Comes out of there also. But isn't that weird that you bust a nut into a woman and then part of both of you becomes the person? Fascinating. If you had a kid, it would be, you know, balding, weird

Adam's apple and the ears would attach to the shoulders. That's strange. Just from your load. I know it's all in there. All the leg work and the, what do you, what do you, it's like a spreadsheet. Yes. You pump it in a spreadsheet.

It's so weird. I have the same teeth as my parents. Do you? Yeah. They got bad teeth. Whoa. I never noticed. They don't smile.

Yeah. Neither would you if you had this mouth. Well, maybe it's a bad, you got both their badness. Man, their teeth. They're all right. I feel like, but you got the worst of both. Yeah. So it's like you take two not great teeth and get one bad tooth.

Yeah. I got several bad teeth. Also my, my ex after the heat died down, I started faking orgasms. Really? Yeah. Doesn't it drip out? Well, I'd be like, I must have shot it way up.

You know, it's in your throat sister. Must have gone in the gullet, but I would, she could feel, she couldn't feel the load, but she could feel my dick twitching. Oh, so you could fake a twitch. So I'd fake a twitch. Yeah. Lilo and twitch. So she'd go, oh yeah, I can feel it.

I'd be like, I'd like roll my eyes back and fart. I gotta tell you, I've done the same with condom because then you just run and pull the condom. Yes. Yes. And I have, I have done it before, but like I said, I used to be on Paxil and anxiety and alcohol. So it became easier to say, I just came and it did to be like, I don't count.

I can fuck for nine hours. I never come. Right. Because girls, I didn't really, I would get upset if you don't come. Yes. They take it very personally. Yes. And I'm like, no, it's a side effect of drugs.

I'm a whack job. I'm not attracted to you. Don't worry about it. It's not you. Right. It's me. You're fat and I don't like you. Exactly.

I did a gig out and who knows where. This is years ago. And I, this girl tweeted at me and goes, hey, I have a flight. There was nothing to say. Joe had a fart, false alarm, fart alarm. But she's like, I got a flight. Can I just come over and you bang me and then I'll leave. And I was like, okay.

And it was one of those things where I banged her and I came in like, I don't know, eight minutes. And she was like, I got to go. And I was like, sorry. I didn't get you off. I felt horrible. And she was like, no, I think we forget the girl's like to sometimes just get a guy off. Yes.

Because they feel complimented almost. Yeah. The female orgasm is not as imperative. Aha. Like they could fuck and be like, that was nice. And then that's it. Yes. So what are you doing to get these women on?

Oh, it's mental, baby. And I'm in my head, but they're even worse. They're thinking about, you know, their diet and their job and women's rights. Yeah. Mexican order. Yeah. Crazy. Flint water.

But yeah. A lot of time for years, for years, I would fuck without coming. I mean, like most of my life. Oh, really? The paxil and the booze and the anxiety and all the stuff. And even like my, my girlfriend, previous girlfriend that I was in love with and had like this rocking vibe. I was like, I don't know how to tell you, like I'm a tragedy.

I have a boner all the time. I just can't come. Yeah. And sometimes it still happens. You're like, I'm hot for you. Sometimes you have this, I get overwhelmed with the sexy. Aha. I'm looking at the feet, the calves, the tits, the face.

I get overwhelmed. It's all hot. Yeah. A nice bush or a shape, but whatever it is, it's all too much. I'm taking it all in at once. And I'm like, it over, I can't focus. This is my morning sex is nice because I'm just fresh. Ah, you're clear.

Ah, shit. Alexa popped in. Alexa, cool it. Shut up. All right. She's still talking. It's a commercial. Alexa, stop.

Oh, I forgot we left that on. There you go. Yeah. That was jazz play. They're going to sue us. Oh boy. Jazz will sue us. So yeah, you couldn't jizz because you were, you were overriding.

Yes. I had an override system. Couldn't jizz. But now I jizz pretty well. Oh, good. And it's a good feel. I mean, coming inside someone is really fun. It's, it's what's supposed to happen.

But I have this issue and I'm trying to do a bit about it now. You saw it last night. The women, they have to pee right after sex to avoid an IUD. IUD. No. IED. UTI. UTI.

I confuse all these things. MIT, UTI, IUD. CIA. Improvise explosive disease. CIA. FBI. GAY. MTA.

PHG. VHS. HIV. Did we say that one? VCR. HPV. Oh boy. HVAC.

So, suck. Wet. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Oh, you jizzed in your lady. She likes it. Oh, but they have to pee. They got to pee to avoid the MIT. And then, but my lady sometimes, she pees too quick.

I'm literally like, I'm coming. She's like, I gotta piss. And like, drops me off. I'm like, give me a cuddle here. Yeah. I need some emotion. I gotta get it all out because you're still squeezing some out. And I'm like, what's the time limit between the come and the piss?

Let me ask you this. It might be offensive slash inappropriate. Sure. Is this a herpes thing? Is she freaking out because she got the herp and she maybe in her weird head thinks somehow urinating will help that not happen? No, no. It's UTI.

You can Google it. Oh, okay. The best way to avoid UTIs is to pee before and after. I see. And part of it is sterilization. So it's like a jellyfish bite in there. The load is poisonous. Wow.

Because I was just reading about yesterday. The urethra, Franklin, and the vag hole and the shithole are all so close. They're very susceptible. Like our dick hole, our urethra is very long. Yeah. So we don't have to worry too much about UTIs because it's like a long tube and the shit dies on the way down there. Oh, that's a long tube.

And then my asshole is like five and a half inches away from my dick hole. It's pretty good. Although sometimes my dick is pretty long. It folds all the way back and can touch that thing. Wow. Could you fuck your own ass? Well, not hard. If it's hard, it shoots up the other way.

Right. But a limp dick, I could kind of maneuver. Really? Well, I don't know if I could put it in my asshole, but I could. It'd be a nice way to cork it if you had a hole's one. Well, no. Because then you got to have shit. Oh, then you got the urethra.

But the length of the urethra helps. Yeah. But anyways, they got a short urethra and it's right next to the pus and the boom. Yeah. And so they got all kinds of bacteria down there. It's wild how close they're neighbors. They're knocking on each other's door. They're sharing cups of sugar.

You could put your thumb in a girl's veg and an index in the popper and you can feel them. Oh, yeah. It's like a bad apartment with thin walls. They recommend that. That's a good move. What? Yeah, you stick your pinky in there and then your finger in it. You kind of massage between the two.

So your two fingers are very close. Wow. And they'll bust one right all of you. Is that right? Right in your eye. Boy, people should be thanking us for this knowledge. Well, they're so close you can do one lap with the tongue. You can get both holes.

Yes, totally. And I like licking and touching that spot right in between. Purgatory. Yeah, limbo. Right in between the shithole and the puss hole. But ladies, right in. If you're getting hot and heavier or whatever, if you have any tips, because here's the thing. I'm married.

I've been with my wife for seven years. I need some hot tips here. Please. Just the tip. I'll tell you, it's amazing. There's probably women listening to this going, these fucking idiots, these goofball, dick, cheese, cunt. Like, we have no idea what women are turned on by.

I was watching this thing with the lady and this was like a documentary and a lawyer came on. She's like, man, he is sexy. I was like, that guy is like a bearded nerd with glasses. No offense. And falling older guy in a suit. And she's like, you see how he gets angry and hides it? Like, you can tell he's angry, but he's holding it in.

That's hot. I'm like, that's hot. Oh, wow. I'm a fucking sex machine. I know. I'm holding it all day long. I'm living right now. Yeah, I'm furious.

But she's like that. And I'm like, man, I would have never known that in a zillion years and you're sitting over here quiffing on your jeans. I had no idea. Yeah. I mean, I do a bit about it. We're watching Brokeback. Yes.

When Gyllenhaal's like, sit down, you son of a bitch. And she's like, woo, baby, that's hot. I'm like, I got to yell at your dad? Right. It's crazy. But they like a little bit of like, you shut your mouth, you piece of shit. We've talked about it before. I want to like set this up, have an actor come by and fucking go, hey, you're fucking nerd.

And I just kick him in the pants and whatever. And then I get blown. That's good. Yeah. You set up a little role play and then all of a sudden you're the tough guy in the relation. Yeah. It's hard to tell what's what out there.

So right in, call in. And speaking of pleasing ladies, I've been talking a lot about the womanizer 400. I'm talking about it all over town and we were going to go together after the last recording. Yes. We ended up not. Yeah. I went with Sam Merrill. Ouch.

Well, we were in the neighborhood and I said, Hey, I got to go buy this thing. So I went into the store right around the corner here and I said, Hey, lay it on me. I need a womanizer 400 laughing about Kramer. I didn't make a mean calisone. Yeah. Lay them on me. I'll take two. Yes.

Three. Anyways, I said, lay on, lay me on the late Kramer me. Give me the, what is it called? Womanizer womanizer. You all right? You seem fuzzy. What? I'm fuzz.

I'm fuzz. I'm thinking about eating ass. I said cunt earlier. I feel bad about saying cunt. You can't say cunt. You're fine. I don't trust your neighbors. Our things.

Walls are thinner than a taint. It's like it's an asshole in a pussy. It's no good. And they think we're an asshole in their pussies. I can't argue with that. So I get a little nervous here. I'm distracted. We might, we don't have to go back to the studio.

Wow. Who knows how long that'll last. But yeah. All right. Let me just say this about the women must sit around. Well, first of all, the womanizer, there's all these reports. I haven't finished. There's all these reports of women who are like 61 years old.

Like I've never had an orgasm. And now I have. I know. Well, here's the thing. 60 years old. Here's the thing there. Marcus. Yes.

I went. I said, give me the womanizer for, I'm back in business here. Aha. You're back. He's changed positions, folks. Yeah. I got my leg over my head now. My asshole's bleeding.

No pants. Yeah. The womanizer 400 step on it. And she said, we don't have the womanizer 400. I said, dammit. They're out of stock. And she said, I'll tell you what I got. I got something better.

And I went, all right. And I'm a little skeptical here because there's nothing better. All I hear about is the womanizer 400. Yeah. What's better than a womanizer? Except no substitutions. Maybe they got the 500. So she went over to the display case and like typed in a coat.

You know, she blocked it with her shoulder. Sure. And she's got like a code, a second code. She calls her dad. Say a word. She puts a thumbprint on it. Uh-huh. Not the one on my dick.

Opens up the case and pulls out the satisfier no number. I don't like the sound of that. Satisfier zero. Sounds made up. How can the satisfier no number compete with the womanizer 400? No chance in hell. So she said, this is even better because it vibrates also. It's a hundred bucks.

A C note. That's a pretty penny. For 45 minutes of the therapist, I got the same thing with a vibrator. You're getting ripped off by both. And a vibrator, you can just, you can use an electric toothbrush. Stick that in your cunt. Don't think I haven't. And smoke it.

Mine's broken. I said cunt again. I'm really sorry. I feel terrible. Come on. What happened to you? We're losing list. Well, I don't mind cunt as a cunt.

She's a cunt. But I feel bad referring to the vagina as a cunt because it's a beautiful, delicate flower. It's the term for it. It's a snatch, a cunt, a couter, a twat, a honeypot, a slit, a clam, a squish, a squid, a gash, a box, a hatchet wound. Yes. I like that one. Hole.

The couter. I said it. Vajayjay. Oh, one of the worst. Yeah. That really is bad. You said couter. I did.

I love it. Raise your couter. Meat curtains, beef, roast beef, flaps. Good to have you back. Eggplant. That eggplant. I just made that one up. All right.

That's the dick, I think. According to the emoji. Oh, yeah. I don't trust emojis. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like a foreigner. Watch out for emoji.

Steal your lawn mower. What the fuck am I talking about? Oh, so I bought the satisfiier. I gave her 100 bucks is what I'm saying. I gave 100 bucks and the thing was like covered in dust. I'm like, I don't know about this thing. So I bring it home. It's supposed to be the same technology.

It's got the little hole with the suck. It looks like a thing. It's got the same video. And we read the director. This thing, this thing doesn't do anything. We charged it up. I'm all excited. It's got no, I put it on my hand to feel the suction.

It's got no suction. What? Yeah. It's just nothing. It just goes, if you stick your finger all the way in there, you can feel the suction, but a clit is little. My wife doesn't have a long, lengthy clip. That's nice.

It certainly is. You don't want a lengthy clip. Although it'd be easy to spot. I suppose so. Also, you want some suction. You got to talk to old Dyson. That fucking weirdo on the commercial was like, oh, you can't pick up a bowling ball. I can.

He just puts his tube on the ball and it zips it right up. You can't put her vacuum cleaner to her pussy. That's not going to be good. Maybe she's dead inside. You know, you got to revive. Well, the vacuum cleaner has like, tistles. We call it the little fingers. That sounds pretty good.

No, no. What do you call it? Not tistles. Brussels. Brussels. You can't have a bristle. The thing's going 80 miles an hour. Yeah.

She'll have a bloody cut before you know it. Well, suck it right up. But anyways, the thing's a piece of shit and we tried to use it twice, which is 50 bucks per use. But I'm like, this thing's garbage. We're going back to the old vibe. So now I got to order a womanizer still off the internet. I'm going to be 400 bucks into this goddamn orgasm.

Grace. Well, that's why they call it the 400. So don't get a knockoff, everybody. Or if you have the Satisfy or call in and tell me how to use it because I stuck it in my own asshole and nothing. It is kind of fun, though, the whole situation if you step back and you look at a new sex toy because you're naked, she's naked. You're in the bedroom.

You got this little device and it's not working. It's kind of a funny moment between a couple. Her legs are spread open. Her big snatch is laid out in front of the creation and you're going, ah, we got ripped off. This thing sucks. It was. And she was almost getting upset with me because I was like, is it working?

Is it doing anything? No, just, I'll figure it out and I'm like, it feels like it's not working though. You got to press the button. I'm like, turn up the heat. Because you're trying to turn it up as high as it goes and then she's like flipping it upside down. And then the other thing is it's bulky. So I can't get fully in there.

You can't get in. I got like a two foot. So I got like just to tip in. I'm like holding her leg backwards and blindfolded and I'm eating my own gum. It was a whole situation. Yeah. You know what's funny is when you let a lady go, like sometimes I'll just let the lady just wiggle around like she wants to.

And they're doing all kinds of shit. I would have never thought to do. So I'm like, man, when I'm just pounded away, she must hate it. Yeah. The pound is not that great. The ground and pound. The pound is out. No.

Stillness seems to be better than a pound. Sam's got a great joke about it, Maril. Yeah. But you know, you always are like, fuck me hard. I'm like, all right. Well, that's what I'm doing. But is that just a line? But that, I think, is the emotional part.

Ah. That's like a good first. You just met a guy and he's just gripping and ripping it. That's like her emotional. She likes to know you're a man. I can pound. Interesting. But later on, she's like, just put it in there and lay in there.

Let me do my thing. And now I'm trying to come. Before she was trying to know she's got a guy. Aha. Now she's like, all right. Let me come here. Yeah. Because I'll put it in.

And she's wiggling her hips and moving like this and that. I'm like, oh, that's what actually feels good. Yes. But I wouldn't know. How do I know? I don't know what she feels. I know. And you need a vag stimulant.

And women are different. Some have a different spot and a different, something like a dick in their ass, something like a foot in their mouth, whereas guys, it's just like that one spot. And we all want to lick our own gum off your leg. I don't know about all of us. But yeah, yeah. Interesting. It's all.

But I feel like, I hate to say it, and I'm going to get queefed on by the media, but I feel like women, they're all about communication. Tell us. Tell us what to do. Give us a hint, a topic, a tip, something. That's a turn off too. I guess so. You got to like fucking crack open a diary or something.

Oh, I would kill for a diary. And Frank's my number one. Well, you listen to like, you know, Nikki Glaser as a sex show, maybe try to listen to that. Yeah, I'm reading Cosmo. It's just getting tips. I know, but Cosmo's fake. They're all just made it up.

It's as close as I can get. That's all I can get. I try it. I'm like, well, you look a thing and I come in sweaty and she's like, will you shower? You smell like shit. No, I come that next day. I'm wearing a suit. She's like, that's too tight.

Right. Just as a fireman. I don't know what to do. I'm clueless. We're all clueless ladies and it's your fault. I hate to say it. Yeah. You'd have a phone line and be like, aha.

I need him visible line. I would love, you had a sister. At least you can sit there with a cup on the door. While she's talking about the big Johnson. She railed. I don't want to hear about that. Well, let's see. You sacrifice a little awkwardness for some tips.

No. That's no good. I don't know. I tell you about my friend with the sister. I think the video, I'm told this story before I'll give you the quickhim bird. Well, you told her not here. I think just but he was clever because he used his sister to learn I mean, it's pretty sick, but it, I don't know, he's probably great in bed because of it.

Oh yeah. We did talk about it. Yeah. His name was awkward. He filmed the sister showering. Yeah. And it's pretty horrific, but like, he was just trying to learn about the lady. Yeah.

That's a bad way to learn. That's what the pre-internet did to you. Yes. Yes. We think we have a bad now. Back in the day, people were getting crafty. Yeah. Firemen.

It's wacky. Speaking of beautiful women and sex. All about yesterday. You go. All right. Well, me and Fatty over here, we got a, we did a, what did we do? Oh, we got some ice cream. We did a hang.

We did a hang. We're hanging out at my place. We're chopping it up, talking comedy. I live in the West Village. We go, hey, let's go get some ice cream at the comedy cellar. Yeah. We walked down, we hit Sixth Avenue and 10th Street and I'm Joe, Joe's talk. We're sitting on the corner waiting for the light and I go, hey, this girl's pretty.

And you turn, look at her and you go, oh, wow, she, oh, that's Allison Williams. I went like this. That's Allison Williams. As a, as of girls' fame. A-W. The hot one in girls with the good jaw. The one that masturbated in the bathroom. Yes.

So we got a site and she gave us a glare like, oh, are they going to fucking rape me or what are we doing here? She gave a cute, oh, look at these boys. I guess so because we were both like, woo, like tapping each other, elbowing each other. Well, she definitely saw me slapping you. I did like a back and forth. Yes. It's Allison Williams.

Right, right. And that was exciting because she's like one of my top most beautiful women. Yeah. I like, I like her, Rachel McAdams, Parker Posey, Sissy Spacic. Oh, Spacic. I made up the part about Spacic. I couldn't get through it. It was kind of going in that direction.

So I believed it. But I love Posey. I love Parker Posey. I think she's so hot. She lives in this neighborhood. I can see it. I've seen her. I've talked to Posey.

Yeah. Well, she's a, she's a hot number. Rachel McAdams. I think is hot. Natalie Portman. Portman's my number one. And Allison Williams. I love, those are my big celebrity guy.

I don't think about celebrity women that much though. Everyone has like a number one, like, oh, my number one, if I fuck, I'm like, oh, I guess I like these ones. When you see them, I go, oh, I like her. But anyways, Allison Williams, beautiful all by herself walking around, beautiful and little too much more. I thought she was a tall bitch, but she's probably five, five. No.

And beautiful. Brian Williams is daughter who I love also. I'm going to get shit for that. But I think he's great. I watch him every night at the 11th hour. He's the guy who lied, right? Yeah. He lied.

But what are you going to do? I mean, you know what I mean? People lie. What the fuck? Amen. Ran is easy. But yeah. I, uh, I like Natalie Portman and, uh, Amal Clooney.

Clooney. Amal Clooney. You're all Clooney. Amal. What does this mean? That's her name. Amal. I've never heard of her.

Is that George's kid? Wife. Wife. Yeah. I've never saw her before. She's a gorgeous, hot lady, and she's sophisticated, yet sexy, and she's got all this, she's done a ton of shit. She's accomplished.

She's smart. She's a whipper snapper, big fan, and just gorgeous, big long face, like a horse. Oh, I've never even heard of her. Oh, she's out there, baby. All right. Amal Clooney. Woo-wee. All right.

I like a nice, uh, Salma Hayek. Oh, that doesn't do anything for me. What? No. Amal Parker Posey. Yeah. All right. Anywho, quite a sight.

Exciting. It gave me a little, uh, butterfly in my tummy. I was all like, woo-hoo. Yes, exactly. Then I went to Chipotle. I couldn't even get my food down. I kept thinking about that, that masturbating scene, and she's so delightful. And get out.

I mean, she's terrific. And get out. It's a little evil. Remember, she's eating the fruit loops at the end? I'm like, yeah, she is, uh, quite a number. She's a good-looking lady. And you, uh, you were busting at Chipotle. You were queefing and gleaming.

I was really gleaming the cube and smiling and winking, and, uh, I had burrito in my ass. It was really a fun day. What is gleaming the cube? I know it's a skateboard movie starring Christian Slater from the 1980s, but what is it, and what does that mean? Gleaming the cube, right? Yeah, the cube.

I don't know. I watched it a lot. Christian Slater's in there. Tony Hawk. Oh, I figured you would know. You're a skateboarder. I mean, I know the film and the flick, but I don't know the, the term, the term means so.

It's like an expression or a colloquialism. We need Shelby. We got to get Shelby down here. Put him in your, uh, closet. Covered. Yeah. He's in a closet already. But, uh, we need him in a cupboard or a dresser, something, you know, in the, in the later

side of the episode where the Asians are in the drawer, we did that with Shelby, just pull a drawer open, ask him at Google and then close that fucking drawer up. By the way, speaking of Shelby, Shelby loves comedy and he loves music and so do we. And if you love music and you love comedy, you are going to love weird Al Jankovic. Yes. New album out folks. New weird album. Uh, this guy is great.

Uh, Al just wrapped up his ridiculously self-indulgent ill advised vanity tour where for the first time he played his original songs. What did he do before then? Classics like dare to be stupid, Jackson, Perk, express, buy me a condo and plenty more. 77 performances on this tour and every show with a unique different set list. You gotta check it out. I'm a huge weird Al fan. I actually have a poster of weird Al on my lockers right there.

He signed it. I met him on Opie and Anthony. So for a free month, ridiculously self-indulgent ill advised vanity tour now on Stitcher Premium. That's where we're getting at folks. Stitcher Premium. You gotta check it out. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com slash weird Al. You got that.

Stitcher Premium.com slash weird Al and use the promo code stories. Yes. Usually it's Tuesdays. Now it's stories. It's stories. Check out Al's old stuff, man. I was a big fan. He is the Elvis of parody music.

I suppose so. Who's bigger? Well, I guess nobody. He's big. You know, there was Twisted Christmas. What? Never heard of them. I think it's called Monica.

No, that was an album. Twisted Christmas. Oh, all right. By Rivers. The guy's a comic. Joe? Joe? No, no.

The kid's a comic. Andrew Rivers is a comic. And his dad, I think Bob Rivers, did Twisted Christmas. It was huge. You've heard it. Maybe I've heard it. Oh, you've heard it. They did police stop my car.

Oh, that's funny. Police stop my car. And they also did 12 Latino fellow families of Christmas or something rigging up the lights. Oh, where's the damn thing? That whole thing. Remember that one? Yes, I do remember that. And then he sang, later on, if you wanna, we can dress like Madonna.

Walking in women's underwear. Walking in a women's underwear. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I didn't know that was Bob Twisted. Bob Rivers, I believe. And his son, Andrew, is a Seattle comic.

Who's really funny. You probably met him. Probably. Yeah, he's out there. He's a good class act. Well, let's plug him both. Speaking of class act, San Maril's album is still available. And that guy is a killer.

That's his album. It's called Class Act. He's got a lot of good comedy out there right now. Yeah. He's coming out in September. That special on comedy song called Positive Influence. Yeah. That's gonna be something else.

I know we've been talking about it. Yeah. And who else? Sean Donnelly just did Colbert. Oh, killer. Check that out. I went last night, did TwoSet. Boy, I had a great comedy night.

Did it. Hot soup with you. Good group. Roy Wood. How about this? Roy Wood, Gene. Let me just give a plug to this piece of garbage. This guy is the real deal, killer act, hardest working man in show business.

He's on The Daily Show. He's putting out a special. He's putting out another special. He's grinding it out. He's on every show in New York City. I had a question. I'm auditioning for something he knows a lot about. So I said, hey, can I pick your asshole?

And he said, send me all the materials. Send me the audition tape. Send me everything. I want to watch it. And I'll give you notes. I sent it all to him, which is terrifying, by the way. Because you write this bullshit in your apartment. You think you're funny.

And then he reads it and he just puts a thousand red lines through it, you know? Yeah. And so then he goes, I'll see you at Hot Soup. We'll talk about everything. And I see him at Hot Soup. He goes, let's take a cab down to Gotham together. We take a cab. He gives me all this great advice in the cab.

Wow. Then he picks up the cab. Then he goes on and kills. First class guy. I mean, that guy's been around for like 25 years and started in the south. He was like working in the deep south circuit. Yes. Like Bama and the other places.

Killer and just a sweet guy and a beast. Yeah. He's as good as it gets. Roy Wood Jr. Boy, he's something else. And then Sean Donnelly. So yeah. So I go do comedy juice.

Great show. Gotham Comedy Club. Packed out. Leave there. Meet the lady for one drink at Formerly Crows Bar right over here on Waverly. Great bar. We're the only people in there. World Cup, the whole thing.

Have a couple of Heineckens. Leave there. We walk to the cellar. Cellars popping. Bobby's over there. Monroe Martin's over there. Jessica Pilots is there. And Donnelly's there.

It's a good scene. You know, the windows are open over there. The air is coming through. It's like France. Yes. Sean Patton pops up. So then I go, hey Liz. Can you put Sean Donnelly, and Sean's a big bucket of nerves.

I go, can you put the Colbert on the big screen? And she goes, yeah, yeah, blow me. So she puts it up there. The whole restaurant turns to their left to watch this. Donnelly's panicking. I have a photo of Donnelly biting his fat nails. They put the fucking show on. He kills in the show, and he kills in the room.

That's always nice. Always nice. Bobby's like, ah! Keith is like, you still stink. It was a great time. Oh, that's fine. Great set. Check it out.

Check out Donnelly. Just a sweet, sweet man. He just texted me. Thanks for coming. And our first guest. Way back. Horrible app. My back is sweet.

You got a leather couch, and it's toasty. I'm all itchy back here. Maybe use the pillow. I had the pillow. I got rid of it. The pillow is itchy in itself. It's like a Native American blanket. Yeah.

Smallpox. And pattern. I got bigpox. Twopox. That's a good one. Bo, how about this? Do you ever say how about this before you have anything? Yeah.

It's like when you're a kid, you're like, daddy. And then they start listening, and you're like, I guess I got nothing. Wow. They always have nothing. That's different for us, because our dads, unless you had some gold, they didn't give a fuck. No, no. Even gold.

What? Even gold. Even gold was tough. I got a standing O in the Tonight Show. Not a text. Not a tee. Never said a huh. Really?

Nothing. Yeah, I've been there. What are you going to do? He texted me. Yeah, that's sweet of him. Yeah. He said, do you see that Roger's duck? Wow.

We got to touch dicks here. I got to talk about Cleveland. Please. Cleveland Rocks. That's what I hear. I was out there in Cleveland, Ohio, and you know what I mean? I love Ohio. I'm wearing a West Seattle shirt right now, actually.

But yesterday, I had an Ohio shirt on. That shirt's getting a little small, by the way. Yeah, it's small, and it's coming apart. There's strings. But I wore it on my wedding. Can I have it? The actual ceremony. No, no.

It's coming apart here. I like that. It started small. It's all stringy. But this is what I wore the day we actually got married at the courthouse. One more wash, though. That thing's done. I haven't washed this since 1988.

The kid said in my public school, the African-American kids, that's shit young. What's that mean? Meaning like you're too old, you grew outgrew it. It's small. No, well, it started small. Look at it. I'm OK. Look at it.

Yeah, but the bottom. You stand up, and it's barely touching the belt. Can't touch the bottom. In too deep. Can't touch this. There, there, there, there. Ooh, I won that round. Anyways, I go out to Cleveland.

Jason Lawhead, you know him? Yeah, I've got a little bit, good egg. Same initials. We got all, uh-oh. A lot of same initials. Jerry Lewis, Jamie Lee, Jason Lawhead, Joe List, John Laster. Jay Leno. Jay Leno.

There's a couple of Boston guys. Jack Lynch and Jim Laletta. Joe Larson, Jay Larson. There you go. And I guess that's it. Who's the other one? There was someone else? JL Kovac.

Oh, yeah. Then there was another person that's kind of a comic. Oh. Never mind. I can't say it now. Nah, that'll be hurtful. So you're off with Lawhead. So I go out to do this gig in Cleveland, Ohio.

And it's one of these gigs. Fun gig. Fun. It was a fund raiser for, uh, what they do is they have this group that there's like all these rich Ohio folks. They get together. They raise money for a family that gets stricken with cancer that can't afford their bill. Wow.

Because, you know, there's some problems with the healthcare system here in America. I don't know if you're familiar. I've heard. Yeah. What do you call this charity? I can't remember. Cancer help. Help with cancer bills.

Cancer bill. Uh. Pick up the check. I'm not sure. I'll Google it. We'll plug it in. Google it. Shelby.

Yeah. We'll plug it in right here. There it was. There you go. I just came up with it. Um, but I don't know what it's called. But anyways, they take the money and they give it directly to the family because a lot of these charities and stuff, you send your money and then you're like, what does it even

happen with that? Like the Blue Cross and the FEMA or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. But, but this is like, we're giving it directly to the family and the woman was there, which was nice. Like they just hand you like the giant check. Like there you go. You're cured.

No middle. So that's nice. Yeah. No, there was a middle. Uh, Brett Ernst. Um, no middle man. I see. But I liked it.

I opened. I don't know. I just was trying to make a joke. Um, anyway, so I fly. There was one of these gigs. Lawhead hits me up. He's like, it's for charity, but you get paid as well because they got the big foundation or whatever.

So he's like, you get paid. He's like, you fly in Saturday night. You go to the Cleveland Indians game and then Monday we golf shows Sunday. I said, great. He's like, we'll put you up. You come on out. I'll pay for all the meals. The gay.

I said, great. Kick ass. It's me, him, Jimmy Schubert and Brett Ernst. You know those guys? Yeah. That's lunch. That's a good crew. That's a man's crew.

Yeah. Very like, fuck it. We really, we were downstairs at the clubhouse. Like I sat around a poker table being like, the thing with women is that dumb. It was like one of those things. We were joking with it and, uh, we didn't really call women dumb. I hate myself. It's irony.

Irony. Um, but anyways, we were talking good fellas, all the other guys. And Schubert's a fucking, he's a character. Oh yeah. He's a laugh. Right. And he's a close up magician. So he was doing magic tricks.

He's pulling coins out of my asshole and sticking cards up my nostrils. It was really something. He's good. And we were doing movie lines and laugh. We're just making each other laugh, push each other in the bushes. It was really fun. Yeah. They scooped me up.

We go to what used to be Jacob's field. Now I think it's called progressive field. It's all owned by everything. Gays. Yeah. It's a whole situation. Trannies. So how about this?

He gets us standing Romoli tickets, which are the worst tickets in the biz. Yeah. Standing Romoli is usually a good sign, but not when you're in the crowd. Yeah. And I have, you know, chronic plantar fasciitis as you're aware. So standing on cement is a real issue for me. But I don't want to be the pussy that just arrived and was like, I can't stand. Right.

So I had to be like, okay, great. And we got there real early too. So we did the old sneak down behind home plate. We're like, we'll sit here. We waited till like the usher wasn't looking. We snuck in. We're like, we'll just sit here until we get kicked out. Yeah.

And how about this magical feeling? We sat there the whole game. I knew it. It's surprisingly easy to do that. But all the seats around us filled up. I mean, everywhere. It was packed. It was sold out, national game, Indians, Tigers, Pennant race, all that horseshit.

Packed. Nobody ever came. Nobody said shit. So just three magic seats. Four. Jason's girl was there. Jason's girl was there too. You just, it worked out.

We just sat there. The problem is you can't piss or get up cause you'll never get back in there. Cause the guy's back. Cause you're like, take it please. And you're a pisser. I'm a big pisser. So I held it in and just pissed in my asshole. Wicked pisser.

Fuck and don't. Kid. And it was a great time. He sat right behind home plate. Good game. Fun game. Indians won. Then we went over to Hilarities.

Woo. Good club. Yeah. Law had worked there like 20 years ago. He was like a bus boy or whatever. Oh, I'll tell you, but he was on 20 years ago. He works there now. But Tim Dillon was co-headlining with a guy.

David Gamori or Gahori. What the fuck's that guy's name? Gamora. Simon and Gamora. Something like that. Anal. Kane and Abel. Big black guy.

He did new faces with Sarah and Tim. He did Conan. I don't know how to say his last name. He's not to the G. Patrice. Funny guy. David. Kanaria.

Godspell. Grrrr. God. In 60 seconds. I don't know. No, I don't know his name. I'll figure it out. Post Malone.

Post Malone. But I went over and saw Tim and he's munching on fries going, we're all going to die, Republicans. Whatever he's doing. We're laughing. He should quit comedy. And then Schuber comes in. They're very similar.

They're both like, these fucking men. They're kind of laughing. We're all laughing. We had a good time. Schuber had a funny line. He's like, that girl's so ugly if she blew you and count as Anal. And we were like, woo. It was fun.

Good singer. And then they threw us up. Sam at Hilarities is a fan of the show. Oh, yeah. He threw us up. David Guestspots, which is a tough. It's like last show of the week for Tim and David Goliath. Sucks for Tim.

And like me and Schuber both went up and brought the heat. Yeah. Was there a crowd there? There was a crowd, but they weren't hot. I go say that. It's a tough gang in that room. They have ceilings high. It's a little theater.

They're weird over there. It's a great club. I mean, the restaurant's amazing. It's got this old brick wall for an old opera house. It's right downtown. It's super cool, but they're not always easy. No. No, you got to get them.

But that's comedy. But we had fun sets, and then we chatted with the staff. We did some magic tricks. They did some magic tricks. Enjoyed that. Then went back to the hotel, which is an Econolodge motel stop in Sandusky, Ohio. I've heard of him. They named a town after him, folks.

No. No kids allowed. Yeah. Ironically, the biggest theme park in the world. The biggest theme park in the world is at Cedar Point right outside of Sandusky. So it's like a huge kid's attraction in Sandusky, Ohio. Sure. And I guess it's hard to get a hotel because it's such a big, you know, what do you call

it? Tourist attraction. Yes. So they got me at the Econolodge. It's a little rough because you're like, you fly in for a charity. And you're like, boy, this is a little. Yeah, I need some charity. Jesus.

Motel style. Oh. First floor. You can see the headlights coming in? Yeah. And then like, I peaked out a couple of times, and there's like these good old boys having beers outside. They're like, what are you doing?

I'm like, oh, God. It was like, it was horrifying. I was like, oh, shit. You're on the same level. It's not good. Yes. They're right outside my window drinking, you know, natty ice and like. Sure.

Talking about how they hate gay people or whatever. Right. It was horrifying. Oh, boy. And it's like that. No rug. It's just like that cold floor. Bad hotel situation.

But I, but it was fine. I appreciate it. It was free and all that stuff. I need a rug. Give me a rug. And then we do a Sunday. We do the gig. This beautiful country.

I'm beautiful place. Beautiful golf course. We do the gig. It's one of these gigs where like, please don't say fuck, shit, anal, fax, all these words. You're like, oh, Jesus. Now I'm afraid I'm going to slip or whatever. Right. And, but I just did my act and kill.

It's always weird. These gigs with these older people, they're like, they're a little stuffy. So don't say this. You know, we don't want it to be too adult. But you're like, but they're all adults. I know. They want it. It seems stupid where from like my pee pee was really herdy.

Right. I did my act and killed. I had some great off the cuff line. It was like reverb in the mic. I'm like, is there a woman masturbating back there? And they were like, I killed. I was like, I hope that's okay. But it's not like a womanizer 400.

Isn't it weird how old people tend to be the most offended? I'm like, you've seen the most. You're the most experienced. You've seen your fuck people. You fucked a sailor in the 40s. Like, why are you upset? But it used to be that way. Now it's these young kids.

I guess so. Now it's these 20 year old boys and girls that are fucking idiots. Right. But you know, they're just bugs me. Like, you're old. Your pussy's made of like a paper bag. If you're dust, you're withering away. You're worried about a word?

Yep. All right. But then we come out and they had a little surprise set up. They got a fireworks display. So this is kind of funny because Jimmy's a magician as well as a comedian. So the way to get everyone out onto the patio after the show, they're like, Jimmy's going to go do some magic. So everyone out on the porch to do magic.

And then the fireworks display goes off and it's spectate. They must have spent 10 grand on this thing. It's as good as any city's fireworks. Really? Must be fun to have money. Real money. Sure. It's just like, it's going crazy.

And I get like emotional into fireworks. It reminds me when I was a kid. My dad fucked me. It was a whole beautiful site. Yeah. And then it ends and people were like, so where's the magic trick? And I'm like, you can't lure people out with a better thing. Yeah.

Like people were like, oh, great fireworks. But let's see some magic. And then poor Jimmy had to start doing magic tricks. He's like, oh, sorry. That was a little weird. Damn. I didn't know your dad fucked you. But it was fun.

Yeah, that's why we don't talk. But it was fun. And then the next day we went golfing. And I hadn't golfed in a while. And I'll tell you, I can really hit them, Mark. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You got a swing? I got a good swing. And I can swing with the best of them. And did you know this? Kids in Ohio now, they have to do community service. Oh, good for them. Like as if they're convicts or something. I like it.

It's like the Jews with the military. It's not bad. It's a cool little thing. So their community service, these young sophomore football players, was to caddy for us. Uh-huh. And they got this one guy. He gets the two comedians.

Hey. So we're smoking cigars. We're telling stories. We're yucking it up. And he's 15. So he's just snickering at everything. He's like, I'm like the funny guy. It feels good to make a teenager laugh.

Yeah, because they're a little aloof. I'm like, don't try this at home. I light like my eyebrow on fire. I'm like, woo. I'm tapping it out. He's on the floor laughing. It was fun. That is nice making a kid laugh.

It feels good. When I flew back from Africa with my parents, that we had this, we got split up in the flight. It was a long ass flight. And this flight was rickety. I mean, it had chickens on it. It was Scotch tape, the wing, and the whole thing. A rickety chicken flight.

Yes. Chickety China, the Chinese chicken. And I got this fat African kid next to me. This kid must have been 800 pounds if he was a day. And he was about 14 years old. Fat kid had a little hat with a propeller on it. He was eating out of a Twizzler bag. And the flight is so shaky.

I'm making all these faces like, ah! I had this fat kid dying. It felt great because not only is he, I'm twice his kid's age, but he's an African kid. I'm American. He's black. I'm white.

He's fat. I'm thin. He's gay. I'm not. And I'm killing with him just with faces. Reversal, baby. A face kill is fun. It's always nice.

There's nothing worse than a kid bomb, though, when you're bombing for a kid is tough. Now that, that I'm more used to. Because they're like, you're a moron. You stink. Yeah, my brother's got a daughter. What is that, a niece? A niece.

Yeah, good bless you. Terrorist attack. And she is a stone-faced skank. I can't get a word out of her. Not a smirk, not a snicker, not a tee-hee. You said smirk already. I was going to do smirk maybe. You fucked me.

You really fucked me on that one. That's quite a delay. I was like, what's going on in his head? Well, I had the smirk. I didn't realize that I fucked you. Sorry. I've said it before. I've said it again.

I think there's a lot of people that listen to this show that never watch Seinfeld. There must be just, they don't know what the hell's going on. Oh yeah, no doubt about it. They watch the show. They'd be like, what the hell? But anyways. I should have said not a ha, not a tee-hee.

Smirk? Maybe. Yeah, you delayed me. I forgot. But I got it. I got it. Geez, never forget. 9-11, the Alamo.

Yeah, so you're killing with the caddy, the Xcon. I'm killing with the caddy. I played some great golf. We had a great, you saw that photo on my Instagram. Oh, what a magic pic. It was a post, right when he was swinging. I was like, I'll be so fun if I jump up and down like I'm celebrating, which is funny.

It's like a tee shot. You can't celebrate after like a tee shot. But we got it anyways. We had some great cigars. And then a lot of people had seen the show the night before. So they're like, there's the comedian. They loved it. Oh, wow.

And I think all of them are going to come to see me in Hilarities, September 21st to the 23rd. There it is, folks. Which is nice. So come on out, Cleveland. I'm coming back. Join in, Cleveland. Join in.

That's lunch. Hilarities. And just a great day of golf. We're on the course. I turned my phone off with smoking cigars. Beautiful day. Trees, grass. I'm playing some great golf.

We met a nice couple. They were doctors. I had them checking out my asshole, the whole thing. I was like, look at my dick. I got a thumb print. Yeah. And so that was helpful and fun. Then how about this?

So then I got to fly home a nighttime flight. I golfed all day. Left the golf course. They drove me in a golf cart straight to a car. The car drives me to the airport. I talked to you in the group phone call. Oh, that was that? We had a business call.

Yeah, that was on the way back from Cleveland. I had some guy listening to my phone call. So what time was this flight? I mean, is this golf at 4 a.m.? No, it was noon golf. And they took me off the course at 5. Oh, wow. And I went straight to the airport at 7.25 flight.

Ate some Chick-fil-A. Sorry, guys. Yeah, it's good. You got to admit. Then I get on the plane and we get delayed on the runway for 45 minutes. It's only an hour flight. Don't get hit when the delay is longer than the flight. Ate the delay longer than the flight.

So I'm sitting on the plane. I'm all bent out of shape. But then I go, I have a moment of like, I got nothing to do tonight. Sarah's work until midnight. Just sit on the plane. Who gives a shit? Yeah. Who gives a shit?

Then finally we take off and we take off over Lake Erie. And the Great Lakes are the most spectacular thing in the country. It doesn't get enough credit. No credit. Underrated. Underrated Lake. Underrated. You hear about the Niagara Falls.

The Grand Canyon. The Eiffel Tower. And the Grand Canyon. And the leading tower of Pisa. New York City, Gulf of Mexico. Yeah. Your mother's ass. Cleveland Rocks.

Yeah, but the Great Lakes, I mean, they're really great. They're good. It's something else. They're massive. And then the sun was setting. And if it weren't for the delay, the sun wouldn't have been setting. Ah, look at you. Now I come into New York.

We're flying to LaGuardia. We're flying up just east of Manhattan. And the sky is like, you know what it's like? It's black up top. But like still pink on the horizon. Like a steak. And then the city is all lit up. And we're landing right next to the best view of the city I ever saw.

And I decided I'm not taking any photo. I always have all these photos of flying in above New York City. I said, I'm putting the phone up my ass. And I am going to just take it in. And it was this beautiful sunset, dusk, nighttime, city alive, blinking. If it weren't for the delay, it would have just been a regular old evening sky. Good for you. You take it in.

It's like that old wives tale about the kid who wanted to join the army. And he broke his leg. And he couldn't. And all his brothers died in the war. Yes. Buddha. Buddha? Yeah.

Belly. Buddha belly. Buddha didn't have a belly, by the way. That's a fake Buddha. If you see the Buddha with the belly. That's all the statues. Yeah, that sounds like an Americanized bullshit for it. Is that right?

The Buddha was thin. He lived 900 years ago. He shared. He wasn't fat. Yeah, I always thought that was odd. I thought he was just carefree. I do what I want. I live in the moment.

I ate a cheeseburger. That's a fake Buddha. All right. Bad Buddha. You got to get the thin Buddha. Oh, we got to wrap up speaking of thin Buddhas. Thin Buddha. I got a thin burrito.

See, you saw a great view. You saw the Superior Lake. Lake Erie. Ah, you didn't see Superior. Not this time. Can you name the lakes? Of course. Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior.

Thank you. That's it. There you go. And Ringo. I thought I was trying to give an S joke, but I couldn't. I'm really slacking today. I stink. You got to get some phone up your ass stuff.

That wasn't great. Put it on vibrate. By the way, we're going on vacation, so what are you going to do? Oh, yeah. We're going to take the 4th of July off, I think. Well, this one's out. Maybe we should put this one out so we can warn them that next week is off. Wait a minute.

Oh. Let's put this one out. Next week we're off, because we're off in real life on the 4th of July week. So next week, no episode. Yeah, we're all off. We're taking a break. Taking a break. We need it.

Christmas and 4th of July, but you can get a bonus on the Patreon. And there's some cool bonus up now. There's one of us on the sidewalk at the Comedy Store. Bobby Kelly's busting Rich Boss's balls. He's busting Keith's balls. I'm gay. Joe's gay. It's a good time.

It was a fun one. It was a little wacky. I had to take a phone call at one point. Bobby was calling to yell at me. There's extra Patreons up there. The live ones are up there. Next week we won't have an episode, but we'll put up a little 20-minute bonus. Yeah.

But Mark's going to Italy for a week. I'm going to the Amalfi Coast. Suck on that quiz. Put that in your mouthy and suck it. I'm going to Maine. More coastline than South America. A lot of people don't know that. Where the most toothpicks are manufactured.

Yes. One syllable state and it has more coastline than all of Africa. Oh, I got a voicemail from that unknown 347. Makes me nervous. That's why I can't perform properly. Yeah, no perform. I hit an unknown. You really think it was bad?

No. No, I'm joking. I was trying to be a sex joke. I'm going to read the transcript. Oh, I love a tranny. Oh, it's a reservation for my rental car. Oh, it's all business. All that worrying for nothing.

For nothing. Just like the sunset. Sometimes you got to just let it happen. Let it set on your ass. Hey, folks. July coming up July 19th to the 21st. I'll be in East Providence, Rhode Island at the Comedy Connection. Wow.

Come out to that. Sarah will be there. And then I'm coming to the Hartford funny bone. The Albany funny bone hyenas in Dallas Cleveland. We talked about Buffalo Helium. Oh, and it's not up for sale yet. But get ready. Get the markers, the pens and the finger paints October 30th.

Hopefully it won't be game seven of the World Series. We will be at the Hollywood Improv. That's right. We, as in Mark and I. You got it. Live Tuesdays with stories. On a Tuesday, everyone's been asking LA. When are you coming to LA?

Hollywood, LA. Suck my dick. And that goes for you San Diego and San Bernardino. And what's the one all the way there? Santa Barbara. I want you to come from the south, from the north, from the east, from the west. Maybe not west.

That's the Pacific. Santa Monica, Venice, Bakersfield, San Francisco, which is a little far. But all those places, just commute down. Get a caravan going. Find your Tuesdays in your area. Group up, meld together, and hightail it down there. Converge in the caravan.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Come on, folks. West Coast. Finally, we're going to take some real East Coast giz and put it right on your West Coast chin. Yeah, we got to pack it because we don't have any guarantee money. It's just whatever, whoever shows up, that's who's there. So we might take a bath.

Yes, we're taking a big bath and we need it because that shirt smells. Yeah, October 30th, Hollywood Improv. And if you've been asking and you've been tweeting, you better be there, God damn it. Oh, yeah. And the Dodgers stink. They won't be playing.

Stink. So get out there. Yes. Come see us. Say hello. Come to the LA Improv. We're taking over LA. The store hates us.

Yeah, it's a great spot. Right on Melrose there, the V-Cut. My favorite cigar joint in the world right next door. I'm a regular. So be there. Be square. I wonder if we should have done the belly room. Belly room.

That's a different club. I know. Well, that's not who they got us. That's not who they didn't have us. Too late. We're at the Improv, baby. Improv is better. All right.

Fuck the belly room. I hate a belly. We're in the main room. I'll jizz on a belly. Yeah. Buddha belly. Come on to that. Hit up Comedian Joe List.com and donate some money somewhere

or something. I got to say this cancer stuff. There's so many fundraisers for comics. Thank God people are ill. I mean, that sounds horrible, but without these illnesses, we'd be screwed. Well, there's plenty of work that doesn't involve illnesses. Comedy seller.

But it's a nice way to make a buck and help. I feel like I stuck on this episode. Oh, boy. Really a big P.U. Since he sticks, come see me live. I'm at the DC Draft House with my old pal Chrissy Al. I'm going to be in Portland Helium, one of my favorite clubs of all time.

Come out to that club. I might do my album there. I just love that room in that city. How about you come on out to Zanies in Chicago, Pittsburgh, Improv, Appleton, Wisconsin. Ah, shit. Hartford Funny Bone, hyenas in Dallas. I'm all over the road.

I'm actually right on nipping at your heels there. I know. We got to talk to our agents. This is really silly. Yeah, we're too close. We're Tuesdays. I know it's a lot. But come see both of us if you can.

And we'll all hug you and take photos and blow each other. So yell at Chipotle. We just ate there. Keep the cards coming. We love you. Praise Allah. Get on the Patreon. New queefs up.

Buy a t-shirt. Still shirts. Branded bills. We love you. Great hats. He's sending us more hats, by the way. Oh, great. I'll be better next time.

I'm sorry. Branded bills. Don't get the Massachusetts hat. We love you. Oh, boy. Joking. I'm joking. I love the branded bills.

He's joking. We love you. Praise the anal. And Buddha's not fat. Kiss your mother and fuck you. Laughable. Laughable.com. Yeah.

There's always a keeper. Coming dead's hair and getting laughable apps. Shit in your soup and ate it. All right. Queef it up. Oh, boy. We gotta get us through the show.