Tuesdays with Stories! - #253 Scoopy Scold

Episode Date: July 10, 2018

La vita bella Tuesgays, the guys think they deleted the first twenty minutes before getting into Mark's trip to the Amalfi Coast & Joe's excursion to Maine! Check it out! Sponsored by: "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Ridiculously Self-Indulgent, Ill-Advised Vanity tour" now on Stitcher Premium. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com/weirdal and use promo code 'STORIES' Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody wow wow yeah wow whoa hippie-dippy weatherman we're back folks it's been a while I mean I haven't seen you since I don't know Wednesday yeah so

much to talk I think I'm gonna come by the late-seller show run oh my god I got big news early breaking breaking news folks doing the tonight show hey with a monkey somebody dropped out oh wow people suck our own dicks what are you doing it's a Tuesday no Monday Monday next Monday so how about this all right all right I'm jumping right in here we're wet all right moist the wet part of the ocean yes so you know I went to Italy yes I heard for a week and I never do big vacation big to do anal and so a week before I go I get the text from the Booker of the tonight show and he says we had a thing it's been a year since you

did a set can you do another one and of course I'm like sure right I'm down and I realized all right let's get to work on this set and I have one week and then I'm gone for a week another week to do the set so I have two weeks which is I like a month at least yeah and so now I can't run it in Italy there's no clubs out there there's no problems so they don't they don't have comedy I think I problems I got some problems Kosa Nostra puppies a little sloppy yeah so I go out there what is that Nostra the Mafia La Cosa Nostra that's right La Casa Nostra something nostrils I don't know we scratched our noses that was like we

were in the mob trying to signal each other or a pitcher catcher I'll be there I'm a bottom yeah hot one on my back but anyways that's neither here nor queer so yeah so I got I got so I the whole last week I didn't want to tell anybody about it and I just ran the set every night at the cellar like four times a night then I go to Italy I'm texting with Cox and he's going send me the audio I send the audio tons of notes joke that jokes offensive this is horrific what are you crazy you're gay you're fat I hate you blow me so I go ah I've been running and it's been working it's been hitting and it's got

segways and through lines and jizz it's very typical to do a late night yeah especially you found that the cleanest of the clean yes so now I have a one week to the day new notes tweak it fix it run it memorize it print it but I think you're gonna be fine obviously but I think I like sometimes less time is nice because here's the thing we've talked about this before running a set you only need to run it we're professional comedians sure you run it five times you're like okay I got it and it's not like they're new they're your jokes yeah it's a different order it's a little weird but like it is your

material it's not like you're like they give you you know fucking Pete Dominic's material or whatever I couldn't think of a person that works and then you got to memorize yeah no memorize that you just kind of go all right I got it and then you can listen to sets is sort of like a the closest replacement to doing a set yeah what you have the set approved which is the difficult part right you only got to run it a few times really but I agree but the only thing is the anxiety that the anxiety is so creative how it can fuck with your head in a new twisted way every time yeah it's a part of you it's a it's knows how to it's been in

there so it knows how to rattle around rattle of cages yeah I wish I could cut it off but then you wouldn't be you these yes you're right you're not separate from your anxiety you got that right fatty it's it's more of me than me somehow well there's not this is what you're doing you're separating there's no separation you do the same thing you got to watch you're gonna get into a little bit of you know who's the guy Eckhart Toley I like Eckhart Toley Mosh yes no or tick that on if you will or Tara Brock there's many people Jack cornfield they all blow me children of the corn you're separating me I do this

I do that my anxiety is this it's all one big dick and balls yeah yeah it's like you're separating your balls from your dick one unit I do I don't put my balls am I dick in a puss but they're still not separate they're there in support they're slapping on the asshole I guess they're a team yeah what the lips if you're a doggy style or something sure I don't know what a lip is really it's a labia major and a menorah yeah light it up Jewish so I yeah so now I'm freaking out cuz I gotta I gotta go out tonight and make it work and then but it's the anxiety of not having enough time and I always have more time and so then the

brain goes oh this time you're gonna fail because you don't have the time you know it goes yeah I know how it goes but that's all that's just anxiety it's all made up it's just anxiety there's nothing else fear is just fear and your thoughts are not reality so it's just that's just blah blah blah you go all right got it thank you and then you're fine well I'm accepting it as Alan would say just accept that you can't sleep accept that you're nervous and it's fine yeah you accept it and it's just that that's all it is it's just anxiety it can't prevent you from doing well unless it does and then even that's fine so of

course I go out to Italy and I have a fun hell of a big I got a lot to talk about here sister but obviously I just put it out of my head you know you know you're laying you're sitting on the toilet dropping a big fat Napoli shit and I go I got the tonight show the notes the tweaking I'm gay but I put it right out out of the brain put out that's good you got to put out on vacation especially yeah you feel like when you go on vacation you gotta fuck every day or night easily hotels B&B you got a jizz on the curtains and shit in the fireplace I feel that's pretty much an unwritten contract yeah and in

couplehood if you're on vacation you're fucking every night yes well there was one point where we bang midday and then we banged again afternoon and then we swam in the ocean we kind of stunk we had like a weird ocean stink and she was like it's good thing we already fuck cuz I can't fuck now oh but you're gonna stinky ocean out there a little bit of a stinkaroo I believe it's a sea is it the sea it's the Mediterranean sea unless they moved it maybe it moved I don't think so the boot give him the boot so you're saying midday and afternoon because those seem like a soliloquies to me similes anomalies monologue

the cram so well yeah well we had late nights you know maybe a party and we wake up at 11 we wake up you roll over it slips in you pop you pop your jizz on her hair you pull out then you get ready you got to eat you get a lunch you come back to change whatever you bang again that's lunch yes exactly well morning sex is nice cuz you're already naked it's like hard not to she's the tits are exposed essentially maybe there's a t-shirt but you can slip right in there oh yeah and we're already in bed it seems crazy it seems stupid not to fucking the morning yeah the only thing preventing is maybe a morning breath

yeah I got a bit about it that's a good bit thank you I appreciate it in the ass right that's a different bit that's that was between you and I sorry and her well I tried to that bit on the tonight show and they tweaked it all right so that's so next Monday does it air Tuesday or it goes Tuesday Monday Monday yeah so that's happening and boy the clock's ticking fatty I gotta really get on it well you got so what six nights times even if you average three you're gonna eat you around 18 25 30 times yeah that's that's something that is something that's something to look out for that so it should be out by the time this is out

now this is coming out tomorrow oh the last minute douche here we last week we implied that there wouldn't be an episode this week right but we had some situating circumstances so now we got over this is coming this is the hottest off the press it is Monday night as we record now yeah it feels like the movie the post yes they're waiting by the phone run it yeah this is better than that movie though that I'll strip of me 20 books boy that was slow it was slow but it also I think we talked about this already an early episode I watched it just on the plane I just flew in folks I've been on it I was on an eight hour

flight just landed it's I think we talked about the movie is like it I think we already said all this it's supposed to be like this here like they make it out to Merrill Stoops characters the hero but in the real story she was just like okay print it right like the other guys are the ones doing all the work oh yeah and even that movie you're like the whole time you're just like I should be watching all the president's men that's a better story and film and there's a movie called the paper which is way better with Michael Keith yeah I love the paper Ron Howard I got the papers the papers Jimmy two times that's a different movie I

had that on VHS the paper and I would just rewatch it over and over because I was back when you just put a tape in yeah pop a tape in I was at a place in Maine they had VHS for 95 cents it felt like buying something but I don't have a VCR so I just jerked off of my father for 29 cents now good point all right well where do we get into it I mean where do we start I haven't seen you since 89 I know it's good to talk to a comedian there's no comedy out there now that's tough that's what I was saying off my it's what's nice about having a wife who's a comedian I'm always with the comedian yes it's even when I'm on

vacation I'm with the comedian it must be nice because this my gal's a funny funny broad but you can't talk about the latest Nanette if you know what I mean yeah we try not to talk about that either that's it's a darker that's my word all right but yeah so we had a great time but I mean before we get into italia all right I want to just say a few things in New York City because I had to cram a lot in before I left for the for the big Europa my doctor said cram it all yeah and scooter scooter no one's gonna get these I'm doing 20 if you got those email us and blow us yeah please so I had an audition for a show that I'd like to

get on oh really yeah me and Sam both got an audition I think you know what it is I forget oh I remember oh yes yes yes yes yes yeah so I go all so I set up a studio time with William Morris you can do that by the way you got to do a self-tape they got a whole thing over there well they got to send me an audition first I'll get on that phone calls maybe do a porn for Christmas yeah that'd be a nice patreon we fuck each other and shoot it maybe a menorah it's not bad all right so yeah I go to this audition I forget my notes oh god thing we got to type up a fake look desk piece they call it oh my god holding up and

put a lot of jokes in it I go out there wearing a suit I'm sweating out the New York heat I get up there I check my pockets I got nothing so I have to wing it oh my god wing a desk piece I get out I hate myself that's when the tonight show calls so I'm like man what a city well at least you got a nice slap back that's true keep winger I got a dick slap back get on the train there's a hobo lady coming by I'm wearing a suit she comes down you know hey everybody ding ding ding she got a cup with it one penny in it hey I'm a fat cunt I need money I'm broke I'm fat I'm a whore I'm hobo and this guy just starts laughing

at her no like this big black guy was like a clearly a security guard he was all he was just got off work and he's like yeah look at this bitch I was like I was like what is this he's laughing at her face I couldn't believe it wow yeah so then I jump on a train to go to Connecticut for a gig one nighter Ian Lara love Ian got him to open he drove out there great guy great comic killer comic yeah I saw him do 30 minutes I was like well this guy's good funny guy funny guy has all these I think he's black or Hispanic he's got some dark Lara he's black as nice he's something I think I'm gonna get in slash gay or something

oh well Dominicans are black I don't know I never know what's what his face looks like to me they say the n-word the net but everyone says the n-word now everyone but whitey I'm in my gym there's Asian in it we talked about this before too I mean Asian and Indians are let the n-word fly well Asians are Indian Indian or Asian what Indians are Asian right well you know what I mean but I mean Israel is Asia so it's very strange Israel is Asia I believe so who call in folks because this is getting out of hands not Europe or Africa it's always strange to me like we play the thing when you tape the thing on your

head and you get to 20 questions yeah someone's like Jesus Christ or Gandhi like is he Asian I'm like I think he is oh yeah like Jesus is Asian no I mean that's Asia boy that's a t-shirt you're gonna start a riot with this Middle East Middle East is in a continent it should be because they got their problems over there well we got problems in fucking Nantucket doesn't mean it's like a continent my asshole is a continent because there's all kinds of problems down there well that's probably inside the tubes all right Joey Joey the tube sorry we're a little wacky and we're both on vacation it's cuckoo I've done

three sets you've done none we're both gay yes so all right so guy left the hobo lady so I go down to Connecticut Ian Lara who may or may not be black call it if you know Ian text me but for the story we're painting a picture here we're not trying to out the guy in his race I'm just painting a picture so if you're listening at home it's a black guy he's the color of midnight and well that's a bad painting too he's not he's not a soccer player from the horn the horn the African horn that a continent oh look he's regular black he looks you know he looks like you know he's an African horny yeah he looks like a regular not I

shouldn't say regular I'm gonna get a shitload of heat for that regular well there's a regular black is there I don't know this is a very dangerous time anymore if I said regular white I wouldn't be offensive but regular black decaf milk whatever you like but he's on the lighter shade so he's like a light skinnish lighter I think he's average by average okay but he's close to the light that he has to dark I've seen some guys that are like dark well there's a there's the fucking Nigerian selling purses dark but I'm saying yeah that's all it's almost like a purple by the way I think the horn of Africa is less black I think

that's like Somalia I think they're a little more beige-ish I think the Jews of the horns oh boy all right well either way anyways you can Google image him he's a great guy and he's sweet as pie and great government adjust the brightness on your screen if you Google him so it's a good comic and a sweetest killer act funny guy cool guy you know what not one of these a woke cunts oh is he not woke no we drove down and we trashed everybody white black red and gay and we really tore him to pieces and it was great he's got the right idea he's like just what happened to jokes I like jokes I was like yes joke so he's a comedian

well well I know a lot of comedians who I don't know but they're not comedians that's what I'm saying he's like an actual comedian he's a working comic on the road in the club doing the things there's some of these people they're putting stuff out that I'm like you should be ashamed of yourself yes yes that's neither here nor there I don't want to get in the business of trash and come sure all right so we go down and it's a great great drive Fairfield Connecticut you ever been to this town of course I mean I'm a New Englander it's an ocean town what do you call beach town beach there's a beach

port port all right it's more of a port town than a beach town okay poor well there is a beach I'm saying there's a beach but there's a beach in my asshole doesn't mean I have a beach ass so we go down it's just cute and clean and we walk around and and he's getting some googly eyes because of me I got this good yeah people walking by with soccer balls and and snow cones going who's this little Negro here you know oh come on this blacks in Fairfield I don't know I got my arm around people thinking special needs you know adopted kid or just make a wish this might be our last episode ever was a good friend I like

the kid so I don't know so we're just walking around we're talking we're shooting the shit and we do the gig gigs great Fairfield theater company gotta give a shout out killer killer show and Ian goes up rips it open kills it I go up it's probably about 200 something people there it's a hot room it's in a big black box theater oh boy and it's a great shade Dominican theater so so I go up in box my favorite website that's our porn so I go up and I there's a couple of riffraff in the front row boat shoes button down a little stubble but you don't hear a riffraff and boat shoes put together these are these are a

little you know boat trash beach Comer you know I see so so I go up and they got a couple cocktails double fistin and I go up and one of them goes to skate and I go yeah all right yeah sing it sister let me get into my act but glad you're here and then I start time to riff it on the town a little bit yeah that's lunch yeah yeah all right buddy we got it cool your jets I'm trying to do my show here I haven't even got into my act yet yeah not jets this guy yes I go so and another thing and he goes yeah analges gay like all right shut up I did like yelling this guy haven't even gotten to my act and I go I had cool it man cool it

so now I've kind of I've scolded him a scooch you know and she's called yes so then he just goes all right all right geez and he just goes right to his phone oh the phone now he's in the phone so now I'm like oh cuz you can't yell out you're not interested anymore oh boy and I gotta just give a shout out to the fans and a bad shout out a bad shout cool it with the yelling what are you doing we want you to come we want you to appreciate the show and love the act and we love you and all that but God don't ruin the show uh-huh it's insanity like you're crazy you come out there it's like it's like a big fan of Hulk Hogan he

comes out you throw a tripwire yes no tripwire you're ruining you put your pinky up my asshole what I'm not asking well that's the that's the the rub I think is because they they were Hulk Hogan fans at one point and they went out then they went hoaxer yeah vitamins and prayers fucking steroids the n-word and and Hulk loved it he weighed his finger and scooched his ear all right but we're not doing that we're in a different business I don't have size 16 now I'm Hamilton I'm playing Hamilton here let me do my show Hamilton that's Broadway show I'm saying you don't go to Hamilton and go whoo burr Aaron Burr I

say it was confusing because you used an analogy of an art form but you're doing an art form you're doing comedy I'm saying I'm that I was just confused because you made it Hamilton but it's not Hamilton it's jokes but jokes require respect also yeah that's what I'm saying I got you quiet and a little and a little appreciation I said we definitely need appreciation all right so I go up and I and I do that and then at the end the kids these two guys like they keep getting up to get drinks are like knocking chairs and stuff and I'm like God there's no respect with these kids and then I finish up I'm starting to

wind down I go what do you guys do it after one guy goes your mother's ass that's the same guy direct quote oh yes that's what he yells yeah that wasn't bad and I go I got I hate you you realize I hate you and he's like I was brutal did you see him after no I got the hell out of there and two guys were like we got cards for you and I still left oh boy I was so annoyed well come to Hartford and I'll take those cards off your hands yeah yeah are you doing the funny bone yeah at some point I am too I don't know when we're back to back I think sadly all right Jesus with the back to backs so then I go go back

to New York that's the beauty of Connecticut it's an hour and a half back yep back in New York and I go David tell and Jeff Ross two of the funny guys are at the Village Underground taping a Netflix special I'm not sure if that's public yet but it is now and they're doing a bumping mics when they roast the audience they roast each other it's all off the cuff and it's just a scene over there Chey goes up Wolf goes up Paul Rudd is there Wow Nikki Hilton of all people think first no I might have made Paris I like you like Paris yeah I love Paris I like Paris to favorite city good time gay Perry so yeah so I go there and

I watch like an hour that it's David tell is just so quick and fucking great and and Jeff Ross goes boy you look out of shape he goes really I'm really worn out because I work out a lot he's like what do you do well I've been carrying the show for an hour you know just like so many great lines and then I run out and do four sets run tonight show said I feel good about it I just realized what a great city we live in look how much comedy look at much opportunity you run out of there is a Netflix crew then you go upstairs do the fat black you run over the seller to a set you come back and watch some more David tell then you

go to you know stand up New York or whatever the hell best city in the world folks hell of a city come visit us so then I had the flights the next day at 1130 but what are you cooking well I just had the reverse experience of the city thing I was out in vacation yeah all I've ever wanted oh what's matter your point battery is not even visible oh shit this could be we don't have a backup shit maybe we should start a backup now back up now then we'll have that but we'll stop that and save it because I don't know what happens if it dies oh maybe we pause is there a pause oh fuck I don't have a better call

Shelby oh good because he can't change the batteries mid-flight I have two new batteries in the in the drawer if we stop it it'll save this 22 yes we'll just send them two pieces all right we're taking a break we'll be right back you won't even notice the break two pieces in a pod that's not bad I'll take it all right all right mark one oh so I just hit stop it marked it it's still recording oh because I hit record I'm an idiot I always do that hold on stop now fuck my ass hard we're back we're back it's sequence number two we just talked for 20 minutes hot fun stuff and I'd never hit record this is

why we need a studio yeah Shelby we love you well the problem is you turn it on it starts doing the wavy's yeah and the fuck it fucked my mother I'm glad I noticed good thing you come ten minutes in and not a half hour show me well I call us I can't tell it all again you can do it nah I can't do it come on the stars the line tell me I hate missing it was gold that was gold beautiful photo like Monet oh fuck me hard man a there's nothing worse than losing a fucking thing yeah well you want me to go and you regroup I just it just kills me it's right in my ass a thorn in my ass a fucking cock in my mouth good thing you

caught it when you did those sloppy Jalopy but that was a solid 10 minutes killer 10 fuck me hard yeah it's like my tonight show shit you got to redo it redo you got to redo you got to tweak but this is back if you shot it and killed and then you're like we broke the tape that's a good point that's as this is this is cream in my coffee coffee do you want me to interview you about it because I already know what happened well I went to Maine I don't know I went back fucking the whole thing what am I doing no it was great stuff I know but you can't recreate it takes away the thing it's not like podcasts aren't like

stand-up no we're like all right let me perfect that you'll go tweak it the podcast has to be free right like a fart it's just gonna go no too far it's early like it's very jazzy yes jizzy son of a fucking bitch but anyways I went to Maine it was great I came back to New York New York sucks the train sucked a guy was smoking a cigarette maybe it's better than I didn't talk with the street performers because that might have came off bad but I just hate these guys yeah on the train flipping and flopping they're playing music it's rude and it's illegal the guy almost kicked me in the head another lady was

smoking I fucking wanted to kill myself Maine is better than New York but then if you go to Maine you get raped it's a horrible yeah bigfoot but I gotta tell I gotta tell people about the app at least tell the app is gold we're up in Maine and there's no lights there's no people it's all incest and you get this the phone with the app they sell phones there what's the app called I forget the app constellation star fucker suck my dick I don't know all right but you pointed at the sky and it just shows you what the old idiots saw back in the 1320s or whatever they consulate the Orion's belt the big dip yeah the

scorpion guy Sagittarius suck my dicks I don't know what the hell it is really crystal cancer yeah and then you can see you know Mars which is red actually red like a period if you go to the sky you look at it looks like a little red dot make it we could see Neptune and Venus and your mother and it was really fucking cool I mean some of the plans we could someone's gonna tweet at me like Venus is too far away you son of a bit you can't see it in July you think in a Serena whatever it was I saw what she's something oh yeah boy I wouldn't mind making having her just make me stick a rack at my ass and

eat my cum you know yeah it'd be fun to have a rack in your ass and she rethreads it it'd be something you know it wouldn't hurt me yeah hurt me actually I'd like to shoot the you know they have that's the tennis gun oh yeah I'd like to shoot him into her badge well we have to get permission for that one sure but I could tie her up I think she's gonna win I watch her today where Wimbledon's going on right now it's really exciting but anyways we're up in Montreal Mount Royale got it oh Travis I fucking gave you a long shout out you're gonna get a shittier shout out Travis I did a 10 minute thing on how I

wanted to suck your dick and come in your beard but I lost it you got me a Pearl Jam poster it's hanging on my wall I appreciate you these people are bringing gifts now I love it it's wonderful wonder bar yeah so thank you very much sweet Trav you're a good man I love the poster and a lot of great Tuesdays came out much y'all we got I told the guy we got to go up there and do like a rock club because we have enough Tuesdays we could really do something up there we can do some damage up there live up babe we're coming to your town Frenchies and Jews a lot of Jews up there oh yeah and don't forget

we're coming to Hollywood folks October 30th Halloween Eve we're gonna be there Henry Phillips is on board he's gonna do a set so it's gonna be improved gotta be something else and speaking of Henry's does great guitar songs and speaking of musical comedy we're gonna talk about the weird owl oh love weird owl yes he was a childhood hero of mine I got a signed poster of weird owl on my wall right now he's a killer best parody music comic out there I mean if you love music and you love comedy you love weird owl and if you've ever seen weird owl play live you know he puts on an incredible show Al just wrapped up his ridiculously self

indudgent ill-invised vanity tour where for the first time he played his original songs classic like dare to be stupid Jackson Park Express by Mia condo and plenty more nice there were 77 performances in this tour and every show was unique you gotta hear about it folks for a free month of Stitcher premium go to stitcher premium dot com slash weird Al there it is and use the promo code stories ah definitely yeah you're gonna want to get on there cuz I mean you're gonna hear these sets they're on there folks to added stage banter is on there it's really something now stitcher premium dot com slash weird Al stitcher

premium dot com slash weird Al and use the promo code stories beautiful love weird Al and you're gonna love that stitcher yes it's really Olivia and stitches folks yes we love it I mean we use it twice a day and snitches get stitcher anyways ah I'm so bummed that I fucking edited out thank you go ahead tell me about Italy I haven't heard about Italy I gotta hear about Italy tell about the Jew lady yeah the Jewish move I don't know this lady came up we were walking around Montreal we're standing next to a woman and this crazy lady with a basket anyone pushing around a basket on wheels is fucked up if you

ask me like a shopping cart it was similar shopping cart it's the one that people use for like laundry but mostly it's like those are bad it's low to the ground it's kind of like a bucket yeah it's a bucket basket it's almost like a cage yes she's pushing around a cage yeah with a little kid in it from Mexico hello folks Trump but anyway she's pushing around the basket and she walks up to the girl and goes get out of here you Jew fucking kike fucking Jew and we were like this is crazy and then Tuesday but then we realized that she's just a crazy woman so then we went to get some smoothies and juices and like from

across the street out the window we can see she was like there's a black guy on a bicycle just like sitting there and she walked up to him and you can see her talking I guess like I'd give anything to hear this dialogue because there's no way there's no one that's like walks up to a woman is like get out of here you Jew kike and then walked into a black guy and been like hi nice to see you yeah I gotta assume she's crazy on all aspects you hate the Jews you're not your little frosty with the blackies I would imagine I don't know I mean I've never I don't I don't know that many people sure but anyways I don't know you you go

I'm just depressed I want to cut my dick off boy this we've got we missed about 10 minutes of gold and that's really got you it's got me it's got your goat as they say yeah but I wanted goat is greatest greatest of all time everything's goat he's the goat she's the goat goat goat goat all right we got it well it's interesting too because goat is also a negative sports term is it yeah like Bill Buckner let the ball through his legs he's a goat he went to wear the horns the goat so there's like two goats and one is the worst thing to be one's the best thing to be a little confusing yeah great it's all time by the way I

thought the Jews had the horn all right we got a lot of Jewish fans go maybe not anymore well they love comedy yes they might have invented it they're very good at it aha some of them all right so I don't do I get do I dive in dive in jump in the water and you go let me ask you about Maine because I hear Maine is lovely but I hear it's also a bunch of deliverance as fucking inbred toothless cooks well like anything else there's the stereotype and there's this whole thing and stereotypes seem to be the worst thing you can do nowadays yes it's about Maine white Maine right I'm gonna fart in the mic

adorable tear drop really bettered my mood after editing losing all the stuff but yeah you know I mean there's the stereotype that there's some hicks we used to when I grew up in Boston like that was like that was our redneck thing was all like incest no teeth all those jokes went to Maine yeah that's all it is a main incest and no teeth but it's beautiful and it's amazing and it is a beautiful state we drove all right we drove through from Montreal we left from Montreal went to Naples Maine to camp I've driven from Montreal to Boston a bunch of times and to New York a bunch of times and those are big border

crossings is like welcome to the USA it's like six fucking guys with guns and traffic but this one because we drove through all the way east through Quebec and into like the top little corner New Hampshire it was like a one lane country crossing with a guy just sitting in a fold-out chair and he was just like hey welcome folks welcome to America wow it was the strangest thing I've never had that happen before all the all my customs things have been in like big sure things we had the Paris nightmare same this is just a guy like a beautiful day in New Hampshire on a one lane road he's like welcome come on in

I was like I've never been to a crossing this small he's like we got them all over baby that's the way to go I want to go that way it was pretty cool so we gave him our things and he went in and checked him out and I was like yeah we're comedians we're going camping it's like sounds great have a great time and it said and then Syria was like welcome to America it was like so neat quake we drove through the top little corner in New Hampshire across Vermont into Maine and it's spectacular I mean it is just so beautiful up there and we were laughing like we want to go to Switzerland next year you're over in

Italy and we went to Paris I'm going to Dublin Norway but then you're like Maine yeah a month up there right there's crystal clear lakes rolling hills 50 foot pine trees nobody for miles like a lot and then like eastern Quebec too we're looking like usually in the you see like these rolling hills and trees is like power lines and houses nothing up there nothing nothing we camped and I'll get into camping later you talk for a while I hate myself oh you do it great I just I got you off on a jag just by bringing up the rednecks nice jag good jag war Jewish American gorilla all right what's a jag lawyer what is it again my

mom was a jag really I'm in SAG yeah yeah it's a you know it's a lawyer in the military that's about but what is it it's a Japanese anal what's the jag yeah girly I think it's a gorilla for G words army gorilla gooke I don't know I can't get away from gorilla goop goopy what's another noun that's G judicial army grenade granada oh that was something wow like that grenadine I don't know all right so clock all right you go now it's an 11 30 p.m. flight to Rome if you want to add a Newark I love Newark hate it hate Newark well for me it's to river crossings it's a whole situation yeah the river runs through it all right

so yeah ha rivers Cuomo was River Phoenix in a river runs through it although it's Brad P right directed by Robert Redford yeah he sucks what we talked about it did we so yeah he's terrible is he he's a bad actor we talked about this we did talk about this check the late the earlier ones yeah so now it's an eight hour flight on the dot so I go fuck this chick I'm taking four dramamine two Tylenol p.m. a roofie and a pina colada and I'm going out eight hours on the dot is there a layover in India aha hello folks so bang bang boom now let me tell you this please we got to get

some rhythm going here I hate myself I blew the whole show I got they call me the show all right so I got a lot of advice from people before going to Italy like Mateo Lane yes a gay Italian Desbyship who's a fucking international world traveler guy and they all said whatever you do don't get a cappuccino after 11 a.m. and don't drive don't get a car and I go I already rented a car they go big mistake and I why because Rome they drive like animals is a lot of roundabouts it's terrifying also Naples a Malfi Coast I'm going there and I have to drive from Rome to the coast like it's on a hill of a one-truck comes you're

going right off that fucking cliff you're gonna die oh boy yeah so I go oh my god and they're like are you a good driver like I'm decent they're like you're gonna die you're really gonna die you should get rid of the car cancel the car I'm like I'm not cancel the car Jesus so they really got my head they gave me all these weird little nim knit nitpicks or whatever you can I just say I love those guys but I hate people like this that gets so in your head and they tell you well you have to do if you if you don't do this you're not doing the thing you like shut up yeah I'm doing this you're doing that everything's extreme and they

get in your head if you do this you get if you eat this you're gonna throw up thing right just give me some advice some thoughts and this is nice I enjoy this is how I like people to give advice I did this while I was there I really enjoyed it now that's advice that's something I really enjoyed doing you're a trip advisor that would be better so alright so I take the drama mean I conk out I fucking fall asleep the whole flight I fall asleep the whole eight hours wow that's ideal unreal unheard of and I wake up refreshed and now it's 7 a.m. in Italy wow you did it I did it baby it worked she's hanging in there

she's she took a few dramming to she got probably six hours so we really knocked it out so we go to the rental car place the rental car place fucks us right in the ass always do actually we got there about 4 p.m. so we still got some day light left rental car we get there is right out of a like a sitcom we get there it's all Italy whatever Italian finally get there and they go we wait in line I'm like all right we're next it's a long line we're next and they go number 88 and I go 88 this guy slips slips in front of us supposed to take a number oh father dick you know you just want you lose all

this daylight you know it's the worst feeling yeah the way to the bag so we are late I'm a lady got to take a number you know I try I was like we were here before you and the guy was like I took the put the tip up but that's a guy you fucking wop dammit so I go pick a number and we're trying to stay in good spirits because the flight was long we're a little cranky we're a little gay and we pick a number I got number 99 yeah so then 99 red balloons so finally now it's 98 I go all right I'm sitting on my luggage she goes to get a cup of coffee and then they go oh jump it up a dupa whatever the hell 99 is so I didn't

hear it so now it just goes boop 100 I go I'm 99 he goes you missed it you missed it I called number I called on I go but I didn't know I don't speak your language and he goes I'll get you in a few oh my so now we're just waiting there finally we get the car we get a fiat they go you want insurance I go nope but the whole time I'm just thinking they said don't get a car they said don't get a car you're gonna get a crash you're gonna go off a cliff you should get the insurance but I go fucking I believe in myself as a driver I'm not getting the insurance okay so we get the fiat we go out it's a it's a it's an

automatic but it still has a shifter where you could go you can choose to be interesting yeah sex switch hitter yes it was a tranny so I didn't know what so I was like all right I've never driven this before but I get it going and I can't figure it out because I keep going clicking in the net and what do you call it automatic manual thank you manual Lewis I was about to say the same thing so I get it and I go up to the the guy at the gate he's got the big arm and I go hey what do I do here he goes oh yeah Laura Laura they always say a Laura Laura yeah there you go they say a Laura that means like here we go all right

let's get to it and I go a Laura already goes out and he puts his hand his big fucking hairy mitt into the car and just goes manual automatic now go and I go ah geez all right so he was Asian so we were all we're off and running now I'm driving to Rome and I got the fucking phone plan which I highly recommend on any international you got it I never did it before and you got to do it's 10 bucks a day yeah it's totally worth it just for the maps alone yes the maps we're in Paris I'm like this is worth a hundred bucks a day tell me how people navigate these European cities without Google Maps I can't believe it so we get

on the highway now I'm on a highway in Italy in Rome I can't believe it I'm whipping and whapping through the streets of Rome I get to the city wow my god there's the there's the the Coliseum there's the Trevi fountain we're driving through Rome I couldn't believe we find our Airbnb we parked the car in the middle of hell we walk like two blocks luggage still daylight we get in our Airbnb it's tiny it looks like ass we drop our shit down we go we got to go out there yeah go back out and then we have to we realize ah we're parked in a place where you got to pay for parking so we go up to the machine because you

got to put the little ticket under your windshield wiper Bert Kreischer was there yeah yeah yeah so then we go up we've to the machine and it's not in English so we're just trying to figure that out everything's a thing yes you know so we're like doing this we're putting money in we finally get the ticket we go up to a guy we go when do they stop ticketing like what's the eight o'clock seven o'clock five o'clock rock and he goes odd dot tickets and I go when do they stop charging goes I you charge you take charge at the machine like you can't get it so I just guy I go what the hell night I find a button on the

machine it's a picture of a flag and I hit the flag button it switches to English oh flag God hates them so I go up and push that prints it out it says ticketing stops at midnight so I go all right so I know how much money I need to put six hours in boom put the ticket under we walk to the Trevi fountain beautiful Mateo Lane give me a dinner spot we go there unbelievable the food there I mean I know it's cliche and on the pasta and the blow me and the pizza but it's so fresh I got a salad I never tasted lettuce before really it's so different they just they put minimal things on we go eight pounds of ranch

blue cheese Russian dressing this is lettuce tomato carrots cucumber oil salt and pepper and it was an explosion in my asshole it was so good then I got the pasta something or other I can't remember which one unbelievable I was a picture of me on Instagram it's the first photo in Rome I'm eating it wow it's so good and I ate half of hers then we got a dessert and we got gelato and you walk around and the air is fresh and there's no problems there right when you land there's no kids in cages there's no Trump there's no white supremacists there's no this there's no that it's amazing they don't think about all that shit right

and it all just oozes away and you forget I go on Twitter for two seconds I go ah turn it off it's evil yeah it's like that ooze and Ghostbusters too which is flowing through us yeah you forget they got no problems over there it's a whole different kind of no problems I mean they got problem but they're there they're easygoing they go you know I go can I get the bill they go but bill no bill yet eat eat slow down and I go wow all right and then the bill that we the food there takes a while to have to cook it right it feels like they're cooking the bill because it takes forever for the bill to get there that's come on get to

it that's Europe it's very slow very slow a little frustrating they're all they got all day over there they got no time no appointments but it feels good when you're on vacation like this is I can I can get used to this this is nice but let's get back to reality here where a cup of coffee takes 10 seconds not 20 minutes right but just a great time we go to the Coliseum I can't believe I'm seeing it's a very surreal and yeah it was just beautiful the Trevi found was beautiful so the Coliseum so the forum all the ruins it takes you back you're like wow that's eight zillion years old right there crazy I'm touching a thing

that's old that old it's unbelievable that's just crazy about going to Europe and the Middle East because I grew up in Boston everything was historic yes oh wow this is from the 1775 this is from 1770 George Bush landed here Betsy Ross yeah you know blue Tom Jefferson sure slaves the whole thing but then you go to Europe yeah and you're like now this is something oh my god like our country is a baby a baby yeah we're a fetus and they're there an old old old old man yes so just so cool so then we go we get a couple beers and when you walk around with Bruce booze there so we're walking around with Bruce keys me

and her hitting a hit the Peroni walking around we go to the Spanish steps whatever that means I have no idea and it was just beautiful overlooking the whole city I got photos of it and there's kids out there drinking and smooching everybody's a lot of PDA in Rome oh yeah well they're a romantic language ha they like to fuck over there they love a fight these kids are like and they're brown and yes sexy and they got the greasy hair it's really something they're a bunch of grease ball and they have various intense faces you know their faces pop they get the wild eyes a big honker and a big old gangly

tooth it's wild I'm Italian the women they're all dressed for success of the men are all skanky and horny and they jump right on a moped and they finger each other it's hot mm-hmm so you know my gals all up on me she's got a labia on my knee and just rubbing up and down we got a couple beers and then it's so romantic we just walk around we go to this pub and the pub is great and there's a bunch of you go there and it's like that guy's German she's Australian he's British he's Hispanic it's a whole thing over there well there it's like the countries like states exactly we went to Virginia right like England Italy is

like a it's like a car ride it's two hours or something it's a lot longer than that but whatever I think France is literally like an hour and a half train or something pretty close yeah so we go there we get pretty drunk we go we got to get back so we get an Italian Uber oh fun it's fun there's so much night the customer service there is unreal and they don't get tips the waiters are nicer they're better waiters the bartenders are nicer you don't have to tip it's so when it when the price says 50 bucks you leave a 50 and you walk out the door really it's so and you feel guilty doing but that's just how it goes

interesting and it's because they're better waiters they're nicer and they care they feel bad about shit wow yeah and the Uber guy got out like open the door for us he was like I am just zippy I take you where you need to go I blow you I massage your feet I write your paper whatever you need oh my god nice well you feed me my own cum because I'm really looking for that probably there's an app for that there all right I'll call them yeah come up yeah so this is when it gets really crazy so we go to bed we bang of course because we're on vacation got to got to do it go back wake up check on the car you know it's like 8am you get up

nice and early because you know you're on vacay you want to soak it all in yeah now here's the agenda wake up in Rome put money on the car go to the Vatican see the Sistine Chapel that's fun all the other shit yeah that was a fucking doozy then leave the Vatican get in the car go to Pompeii the ancient city that was ruined by lava yes yes Serena so we go there then leave Pompeii and drive to Sorrento the first city we're hitting on the Amalfi Coast Paul Sorrento so we got a full day here go to the Vatican it's packed tourists I made reservations to skip the line you know they do I love the skip the line yeah but I'm not good

with the internet I'm not good with that kind of stuff so and it's all very vague we just kind of walk up to the Vatican there's eight it's giant it's a Vatican city so we just walk up and and I find a lady with a blue blazer on that says tour guide or whatever and I go I'm looking for that I show her the email she goes oh you get to go all the way around here and do this and do that and I'm like god damn it mother so we go all the way around and we have to be there at 1015 so we go all the way find this guy and they go you're looking for Ben Hameen and we go all right we got to find Ben Hameen and we have we're a little hungover

haven't eaten so we go get a panini we find Ben Hameen he's in a mood he goes here you got to go here here and here we go in we're in the Vatican now wow now we're in the back we're walking around we're seeing everything it's just David and Medusa and you know Michelangelo the other guy yeah Donald Delos yeah and we go in and it's just crazy art and just tapestries as far as the eye can jizz and all these artifacts finally we get to the chap the Sistine and that the lines get more what you know it's hordes of people and it just gets thinner and thinner and thinner now you're a single file now I'm taking photos

everything I'm like an Asian guy with a camera just snapping like crazy and then I see a guard this fat a tying guy with a little mustache is is in this archway just sitting there being fat and guarding people are doing whatever he's doing and I snap a photo of him and he flips oh boy come here come here he's doing the finger wave and I go oh boy what's this back gonna do to me I'm an American blow me and he goes delete that right now or else he's like their Val yes so I you want to explain that the manager of the comedy so all right so I go I show the picture and it's very unflattering that's what was a great as a fat guy in

a ill-fitting cop uniform sitting in an archway was a perfect photo well your phone saves recently deleted photos you know is that right go to your albums it goes recently deleted yeah that's so funny they go to delete photo if you're like if someone's like delete that right now your phone knows the score whoa your phone is like little wink at you goes we'll put this aside for you I love it yeah phones are smart I probably got some dick pics and x-picks and all kinds it saves them for I think 90 days you really certainly deleted you got to be careful about that I know people that they'll take pictures and get photos of

naked women and then keep them in their recently deleted file pretty nice you got to keep because every once in a while you go there it says do you still you want to still delete this you can say for another 90 days hot tip that's a hell of a tip yeah that's the tip so I show it to him and he's he gets even more bad he's fuming and I was yelling me I'm getting yelled at in the Vatican it was pretty crazy that's exciting yeah I felt like even though I felt like an eight-year-old just being yelled at by an adult but I was like this is great stuff that's a feather in your yarmulke yes and the gal my gal is standing like

10 feet away just going like oh boy this idiot it was kind of a fun moment he's like you did you come here you take picture me I know what you do I know what you do it like he knew he was on me he was completely right wow and you know he's going through all my photos and he's like you know my girl in the shower like waving and showing her clit and stuff and all this shit I'm like ah none of that none of that and he's like you you I should throw you out to you I should throw you out he's really giving me the business finger wave and the whole thing and I'm like all right all right I got it so many Asians in Italy I can't

do it accent so finally I delayed and he yells at me doing the thing where he keeps yelling you know I got it like yeah I hate that we're done now like yes so and I and I walk away and I look back and he's just staring at this death Italian stare and I go what are you gonna do that's a scary stare yeah so then he goes no photos of the Sistine no photo so you go into the Sistine you're walking you're walking and there's all these pictures no photo no photo no photo like all these cameras with a line through it and I go oh geez but I gotta get a photo it's a Sistine I'll never go back so I go in and everybody's in there just like

oh stare everybody's looking straight up at the ceiling it's unbelievable it's majestic by the way I heard he got a lot of notes on that huh Michelangelo oh really a lot of notes from the government like I want you to change this and he was like no I'm an artist no kidding which is kind of fun because I was getting notes on the on my Sistine which is my tonight show you're Michelangelo I'm Mike nice no I want to be like Mike so I'm looking up and I go fuck that guy fuck the Vatican fuck Michelangelo fuck God fuck me and I pull up my phone and I take a photo nice it's on my Instagram all right you can see my dumb face in it

because I'm doing like that to make sure I got it and I take a photo straight up and I nailed it I got the Michelangelo the David touching God no I killed it right there and I and I put my phone away and I was all nervous I'm like gosh shit what they check them on the way out so now I'm panicking but I got the photo we got out of there it was great it was beautiful we get to the car we drive to Pompeii Pompeii is insane it was about an hour drive on the highway just zipping and zapping through Rome no any problems in the highway you're running into cliffs and trucks and rocks this is no cliffs yet I'm in a major Rome's just

major highway and byway city okay but it's still terrifying because people are first of all the gauge on the car is kilometers right so it says like I'm going like 120 which is probably about 80 right so that was weird and then people are zipping by because everybody speeds there but the lady told me said if you get pulled over you don't have an international license and that's a fine oh now I'm worried about that so I'm driving like a grandma but I'm still trying to keep up but I don't want people to think I'm a pussy so it's a whole thing but also it's just terrifying because the GPS is going make a

left on just a bit but that's it so I'm just kind of following the blue line you know more than actually listening to the exits because it was so confusing but we get to Pompeii which is about a three hour drive it's a haul no AC in the car big kick in the dick we get to Pompeii I highly recommend you got to do Pompeii Pompeii it's this old city it's a badass city that's beautifully built they got brothels they got hotels they got and everything's preserved right so it's crazy and there's just still giant pillars just pointing up to the sky because everything's broken down basically but there's still

remnants and you could see that's the courthouse that's this and it's the streets are there the aqueduct is there there's people encapsulated in lava because they got caught they didn't make it out oh my god woman holding her face like this and it's like oh my god this is real shit there's a dog that they forgot to unchain just in lava the dogs like reaching out it's crazy that's insane it's like Han Solo yes it was solo wow cup so that was bananas and you're just like oh man it puts everything in perspective and you're just picturing like what was it like being stuck there and all this it's crazy so then I go

some friend of mine some douche I can't remember who it was said that if you go to the brothel there's frozen men with boners no that's what he told me I go well that's fair you know they probably got caught up in the moment and the lava hit him really yeah and I go I gotta see that I gotta see a frozen boner yeah yeah so in Rome yes so I go to the I go to the there's a bunch of tour guys and I don't want to get a tour is he gets stuck with these people and they just talk and talk yeah they carry the flag around it feels yes the flag yeah God hates them so I go hey where's the brothel because I want to see these

boners and lady she rolls her eyes fucking Americans as she goes take a left on the you know Pompeii Avenue and up here and I go all right we find the brothel and it's bed it's a room with a bunch of beds and bed you could see the bed like somebody fucked there somebody fucked there so cool what does it look like it's got cement over it yes it looks like cement but it's like obviously a bed you can see a pillow like a hump where the pillow was yeah a lot of humps yes hump day so I go in I'm like wow this is crazy and I'm talking because you know when you're an American most people are not Americans you feel like you can

speak freely because no one knows what you're saying right even though they all speak English so kind of an idiot but I'm going man people got fucked there and this lady looks at me with this crazy face and she goes wait a minute big thick accent and I go what's up I thought you know I've already been yelled at once here we go again and she goes are you a comedian and I go yeah she goes I used to what I love your stuff I watched all your condoms on you what I go get Pompeii I get recognized in a Pompeii brothel oh my god that's insane that wild the girl was like this is insane she's like slapping my shoulder was insane

no she a hooker no she's a tourist wow that is something yeah it was pretty crazy off of her fucker for money I should have but you know lava what are you gonna do that's amazing was out of money of all the gin joints and all the whorehouses and all the lava yes yes and then you know that's my third time you recognize it a brothel that is something yeah so I couldn't believe that now I'm on cloud 8 on I'm just like whoa I got recognized in a brothel pretty good so now we do a little more Pompeii we see some of this some of that and we get the hell out of there we jump back in the car we say we're driving to

the coast get out of our way so we drive to oh we gotta start we have to tease the coast there's a lot more give them a coast tease coast tease baby because we gotta we gotta start wrapping it up and we're recording at night we got spots to get to yeah yeah you're right we gotta fuck our mother is also I'm late so it was just crazy I'll just say this driving a sorento it's the most beautiful thing and we hit the cliffs and I gotta tell you it's a whole different world with driving I bet it's terrifying I mean you're you're off to your right side is just death it's like millions of feet up or whatever the hell and no

godrail there's a little just a hump of cement like a like a foot two foot thing more humps yeah just cement one little cement hump and that's it oh god and it's you gotta be and the people are honking behind you and this is moped's whizzing the mopeds are the worst part because it's whizzing by you and going like come on come on what are you doing like it kind of give you the fish shake and one at one point you know when your car is an automatic and you're up on a hill it starts rolling backwards yes if you're in drive and I rolled backwards like six inches and I hit a moped crunch and I was like motherfucker and the guy

goes like drove off and like I'm on a hill what do you want so it's your tensions are high your anxiety is high you got the cliff right here you got the moped you got the other cars wanting to get by you got a truck coming straight at you it's whizzing it's winding terrifying oh I was like I ended up ripping out by accident on hills ripping out of like take the break off hit the gas at the same time so you don't roll back it's like you look like a young teen on the strip there's a lot of that but you don't hit the guy in front of you so it's a whole tightrope walk but then the visuals are so beautiful so you're like it's

his weird relaxation slash terrified tension slash beautiful views scenic so the passenger always gets the better end of the I was they get to just relax I told her because I was taking photos while driving a guy honked me and I saw him in the river and he goes stop put the photo you're gonna kill us and I was like he's right he's right so she got on the photos we got to Sorento it was we got there at night because it was such a long day of driving but I'm gonna tease because it's a whole nother ballpark in Sorento tease be here next week same gay time same gay channel folks yes gay channel is a horrible river in Rome it's

something else folks we gotta we gotta wrap it up we gotta go do shows we gotta do I haven't done a show in a week this is the clothes yeah I had that on Saturday it's very straight and I had an hour and 40 minute commute that I talked about earlier but it got erased but it was like one of those things we were like you've just arrived like you're on now you haven't been on stage in a week I've been camping and fucking mosquitoes and you're just like oh shit I got I don't even know my act right so weird when you're telling jokes you're like I don't even know how this goes I know I know but it snaps back a fight or flight kicks

in comes back quick but so we're gonna wrap it up folks this weekend don't worry about this weekend but next weekend Providence comedy connection East Providence gotta come out New England everybody come out Sarah and I will be there and then Dublin at the end of the month August I got Hartford Albany Seattle on August laughs ninth I think it is I think it's lab no no not laughs we keep doing this parlor parlor live August check out my website comedian Joe list dot com sorry I got upset I deleted all this shit back I never hit record I hate myself we had some good stuff but we'll get it back yeah so thanks for

listening check out the patreon we got some hot bonus oh yeah that goes big bone all that stuff frozen boner I'm I'll be at a DC this weekend come out to the Draft House being Chris L Oregon Chicago Hartford Connecticut Pittsburgh later in the year shit I can't remember oh I'm coming to Nashville Zany's in August so I got a lot of fun stuff cooking come on out tell your mother we said hi praise I'll uh jizz in your salad and tune in and tell a friend and oh branded bills I got some more hats for you if you got a book bag I can throw them in branded bills all right we love you and laugh a bowl and check out Weird Al and

check out Chipotle yell at them because they're fucking us so we'll see in hell braze I love