Tuesdays with Stories! - #254 Boot Blow

Episode Date: July 17, 2018

Holy Moly Tuesgays, Mark has an all time week with a trip to the Amalfi Coast in Italy as well as a Tonight Show appearance and Joe travels to Nantucket for the Nantucket Comedy Fest. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody. Nah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey everybody! It's Tuesdays with Stories. It's actually a toot. No, what is it? It's a Monday. It's a Monday. Case of the Mondays.

Yes. Well you know it's Monday because it's a big, big... a red letter. What is that? Red letter day? Yeah, what is red letter day? I know the scarlet letter. Are those similar?

I don't, I hope not. Because I don't want to get labeled a whore. No, she's not a whore. She's a... I thought she was a slut. Or an adultery. Yeah, oh! It's a A. Scarlet A.

Red letter A. Yeah, I'm gay. That's a Canada. Right. Red letter A. Best deal day. Adulter. So that's a whore, I guess.

Oh, a big whore. That's what they call a whore back in the day. A whore is just an occupation. It's actually kind of insulting to call a whore a whore. Because you go, hey, I'm a whore. I work for this. She didn't work for it. Ah, I see.

I get paid. I'm a professional. Literally a profession. Wow, no kidding. An adult? Well, we got to look up red letter. This is where we miss Shelby. Yes.

We got to get Shelby back in here, but there's really no place for him. He's going to have to sit in the cactus. This is the only time we miss him. So red letter day. I don't know what it is, but it's a red letter day in the Mark Normand career ride. Journey. Journey. That's a bad one.

Yeah. I don't say journey. I say sticks. Yeah. I'm on my sticks. Can't fight this feeling. I don't know. I think that might be Jefferson Starship or something.

Wow. I was way off. No. I don't know if that's them. They sing, we built this city. Ah, yeah. On rock and roll, which isn't good for infrastructure. No.

Rock and roll is loose and wild. Yeah. Like my pussy. How about roads and medicine? So anyways, you're about to shoot yourself. Yes. I would like to. I got the Tonight Show suit hanging up.

You're looking at it. Looks nice. Looks sharp. Where are the pants? Oh, I see the pants. They're in there. I got, I got a tailored. It fits like a condom on a big fat dick.

Now who are you wearing? I can't see. It's called Top Man. Top Man. All right. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you.

I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you. Top Man. Our friend, our friend of the show, past guest, like Matteo Lane. He gave me a little, he said, you're cheap.

You're straight and you're a douche. Go to Top Man. I'll get you right up in there. And that was on sale. And I went in, I put it on. I said, this is the one. And I put on the button down shirt and tried it all on. So this is it.

Took the suit off, paid for it with the button down on. I said, I'm going to walk out with this button down. And so I had the suit bag and he goes, here you go. Here's your receipt. And I walk out and he goes, sir, you're wearing the shirt. And I go, ah, and I had to do the whole like, oh, I'm a douche. I hate myself. Oh, you're trying to steal the shirt?

Yeah. Oh, I see. I thought you bought the shirt and you said, I feel so good. I'm taking it out. No, no. I was going to wear it right out of there. Oh, that's a good move. And it almost worked, but he got me in the end.

So I went to TJ Maxx right after, put the shirt on, that shirt on, and walked out with that one. Oh, so you didn't get the shirt from the Top Man. I didn't get the shirt from the Top Man because I tried to steal it. I see. I realized it's not going to fly. You're wearing a TJ Maxx shirt? Yeah.

I think that's a mistake. I think we should finish recording and go spend the extra bucks on a nice shirt. It's a white tee. It's nice. Oh, get out of here. They can see. They can see the fabrics. It's not a thread count.

It's got a jacket on it. It's got the tie. You're good. Put the TJ Maxx. Oh, yeah. That place sucks. That does. But that's why I could walk out with a shirt.

All right. I was with the lady and she was a little turned on, I think. Turned on? Yeah. She was like, who are you? What? Kaiser Soce? We got different ladies.

Did you use a limp to get out? A who? A limp. I did get a cab after. That's something different. And then I fucked a 14-year-old. It looks good because it is a straight suit. Like, I feel like you go and get one of these fancy daggers.

I get to get the fancy prancy Ted Baker. I look like a homo on Wednesday. No, you look sharp. But you go down there. I'm not saying I'm only sharp. Gay is the sharp. That's who's the sharpest. Good point.

But these days, these gays are getting kooky. I mean, there's a Hawaiian pattern. There's a bright red. There's a checker. There's all this crazy shit. I like the floral arrangements. Stephen Wright had a funny joke. I saw Stephen Wright.

He was at the Nantucket Festival. Oh, wow. We'll get into it. I see a long-sleeve Hawaiian shirt. That's true. What a great observation. Well, it's a good-looking suit. Now, who are the guests?

This is weird because people that are hearing this already have seen the show. Oh, right. Yeah, we're going in. I'm going in cold, folks. It's Jamie Foxx and Zoe Deutsch, who apparently is on a big show that I'm not aware of. Different than Zoe Deschanel?

Very different human being. This one is way hotter. This is Zoe Deschanel. Oh, Deschanel is attainable. I know. I like obtainable. I might have to obtain. What if my wife dies in a car wreck or a fire or a murder?

Are you saying obtain or attain? Attain or obtain. I'm saying attain. Attain. What's the difference? I don't think obtain is a thing. How you can obtain? Can you obtain?

I don't know. Sir, I obtain. No, that's object. That's object. Yes. Restrain. Aha. I always confuse sustained.

Yes. Which are my pants or that? Yes. And then there's overruled. Because they both sound similar. Sustained. Sounds like. They don't sound similar at all.

Overruled, sustained. Well, they don't sound similar. They sound like they would mean the same thing. That's what I mean. They both sound like. No. Yes. Sustained.

It's overruled. You know what it's like? It's like prohibited. Pro almost sounds good. It's prohibited. Say homo sounds good? Homo says what? You know, prohibited.

It's prohibited. But pro is usually up. Good. It's positive. He's a pro-fesh. He's a whore. But there's some terms like that. Like usually it's like sustained overruled.

It could be like guilty, innocent. They don't sound similar. I guess they would if you said them. I guess I just know those words. And I don't know the other words. But sustained does sound negative. Yes. He's sustained.

Mm-hmm. All right. But either way, tonight shows tonight. I can't wait. I'm getting picked up. Going right to 30 Rock. You get some craft serve. You get to just be back there in show business.

Behind the scenes, the guy walks by with a big cart of suits. You know, another guy's holding a lamp. And another guy's holding a boom. And there's a guy with coffee. And he's just in your dress room. It's got your name on it. Fallon walks by. He goes, hey, homo's.

And he's got to be nice. He smells like booze. The best. That's that Jim Henson thing. It's so crazy. Jim Henson. You didn't see the Jim Henson? Come again.

When you get there, say, I got to see the Jim Henson. Give me the Jim Henson business. The puppeteer? Yes. What happened? I don't know anything. You don't know the Jim Henson? I know who he is.

Oh, you got bad treatment last time. Maybe they hadn't. Maybe they hadn't unearthed it yet. Wasn't Earth. There was a thing. There's a thing at the Tonight Show where they knocked down a wall to make room for, you know, my aunt's asshole. And when they tore down the wall, there was all these pipes.

And Jim Henson had been waiting to go on the Tonight Show, the old Tonight Show. Carson or whatever the fuck. Or whatever was there before. Steve Allen or one of those guys. I don't know. It wasn't. I don't know. It must have been.

Maybe it was. I don't know who it was because it wasn't at that studio till recently. Oh, okay. That part of a little foggy. But anyways, Jim Henson was waiting to go on. Leno. No, but that was in LA. That was in LA.

Burbank. Yeah. Maybe it was some other time. Maybe it was Conan. That was like 10 minutes. The old Conan 12. No. 1230.

Conan. The late, late show. Yes. No, that wasn't the late, late show. That was Craig Kilborn. The late show. Yes. Kilborn sucked.

No, late night. Late night. Late night with Conan O'Brien. But anyways, fucking Jim Henson was blowing his mother back there. Yes. And he doodled and he drew all these, he painted all these things on the pipes. They put glass over it. It's like, it's sustained now.

Wow. Overruled. You got to go see it. I mean, it's right next to the dressing room. I'm in. When you get there, ask Cox to go see the Jim Henson business. All right. And then give him a little shit for not giving the Jim Henson business last time.

I will. I like pipes. I like, I got a big pipe in my pants, folks. Yeah. I'll smoke it. We smoke a piece of pipe. So highway, if you, I mean, you're getting picked up soon. As soon as we're done, you're off and running.

I'm off, baby. I'm anal. I'm gay. I'm fed. I'm nervous. I just, I like this. This is good because it takes your, your, your mind off the asshole for a second. So it's nice because I can just be myself because when you're, I don't know if there's

a lot of folks out there who've done a late night set, but you're, it's almost like, ah, that sounds so cheesy, but it kind of feels like you're going into surgery or going into war or going into a job interview, something where it's a big deal. It's a red letter. It's a red letter. I'm a whore, folks. But yeah, you just got a, it's just in your head all day and, and you can't really think, it's hovering in your brain where you can't really think of other things.

You know, like you're like, you want to get Chipotle and I'm like, I can't even think about Chipotle. I can't even order. I just got to do this tonight show. It's consuming. It's consuming. Yes. Yes.

But here's the thing. It's funny because I was thinking out of the way here. I was like, I can't believe he was doing the podcast on the day of the show. He should be doing it. And then I stopped to try to think about what I did. I just did it in whatever March. I was trying to think of like, what was I doing? And then I'm like, I can't even remember.

Exactly. So you were consumed. It doesn't even, it's not like I was like, I have to do this. And I realized I went to therapy that day. Interesting. But it's funny to go. I went to therapy because I was like, I'll have to go to therapy. That'll put me at ease.

And then this happens a lot with our therapist where we're therapists in general, where I think I'm like, this is what I'm going to be talking about. Is it tonight? Oh yeah. And I was like, all right, here we go. I got the tonight show tonight. It's going to be great. And I'm like, well, you know, what if I get nervous?

You'll be nervous. Why wouldn't you be nervous? What's your nervous? It's a night show. What else is going on? That's a good therapist. And I'm like, well, you know, what should I do? He's like, just do your act.

He's like, you're going to be nervous except that you're going to be anxious. It's a TV show. You're doing comedy. Why wouldn't it be great? It's going to be great. You've done it before. There you go. And then I'm like, all right, I guess let's talk about my parents again.

That's a perfect thing for a therapist to say. You can't dwell on it. Welling is bad. Especially with our fucked up noggins up here. You got to just go in and knock it out. And it shouldn't be a thing because it's going to be a hot crowd. You know the set. You're golden.

Yeah. You've done the set before. It's just comedy. It's just comedy for a hot crowd. Right. Your parents are the problem in your life. Not this set. Yeah.

Oh, they're the problem. All right. No question about it. Oh, yeah. So it'll be fun. I'm looking forward to it. I got some friends coming out. You know, I like to invite some non-comedy people.

Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know why. He came to mind. Who you got going? I got the agent. And then I got Jeremy Lev. Oh, boy.

He is really funny. Can I just say that? He's good on the Twitter and all that. He posts things and I'm like, these jokes are better than 90% of the comedians' jokes. He's very clever. He's very clever and funny. Yeah. I got a Matt Salicus.

And how about this? Louisa Diaz. Oh, wow. I like her. She wanted to come. She's in the world of comedy, but not really in this comedy TV world. She wants to see what that's about. Oh, that's fun.

That's exciting. She's a good egg. Those are good people. You got a good squad there. Good squad and I got a woman. But it's just so funny because this is how fucked up our brain works, is that the fact that you're not nervous makes you nervous. You ever get that?

Of course. Yeah. Yeah. That's the worst thing. I hate that. That's how your brain going, oh, you're not going to get away with this one. Oh, you think you're not nervous? Well, how about this, Kerbal?

You come guzzling Nazi? Yeah. That's what my therapist says. Even when you're not anxious, you're thinking about anxiety. Exactly. All consuming. That's brutal. But eventually, you know, it gets better.

The more you accept it, the more you're like, all right, of course, there's that thing. This is silly. But I feel like in a weird way, these late night sets or any kind of conquering of a thing you're nervous about is our little win. Sure, I get five minutes on NBC on Jimmy Fallon's show. But I conquered it. I didn't let anxiety beat me. I won.

I beat you. You're going to fuck with me every day for the rest of my life and you fucked with me every day for the previous life I've had. This time I got it. That sounds good. Uh-oh. That sounds good. But the very nature, and I went through this whole thing.

This is how I know. And I'm saying that. Oh, my mother's calling me. That's terrifying. Maybe she heard us. Interesting. The very nature, the idea of approaching it, of defeating it, it defeating me and you defeating it, is counterproductive.

That's the way to never get rid of it. You have to not accept it. You didn't beat it. It's not an outside thing. It's part of you. Yeah, you go. You can't beat yourself. I did it this morning.

It's in you, and then you beat yourself and it's out of you. Right. You've got to accept it. It's who you are, and it's better to embrace it and speak to it. Hello, anxiety. Uh-huh. I love you. You're part of it.

It makes you who you are. Hello, anxiety. It has to be in there. I like that. I might be going. You can't let it rule you. Got it. All right.

Good point. I appreciate you even saying it sounds good. I'm like, I'm trying to beat. I got to beat this thing. My therapist is like, stop saying that doesn't make sense. And then all these Buddhists, the Tick-Dot Hans and the Jack Cornfields and the Tower of Brock said the same thing. You can't.

It's not about defeating it. You're trying to defeat yourself. It's like trying to defeat your leg or defeat your love for your, you know, parents. Sure. That's already defeated. But yeah. All right.

Good point. Good talk. And that's anxiety corner with Mark and Joe. Yeah. Suck your own dick. Eat your mother out and kiss your father on the lips. Yes. All right.

So let me just wrap up Italy and we'll move on because that was 18 years ago and the people have forgotten all about it. Yeah. I just want to say we, we left Pompeii. We drive up to Sorrento. It's the Amalfi Coast. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life. We get, we park the car.

We find the Airbnb. The Airbnb is insane. We have a view of the ocean. You can't beat it. It's insane how beautiful this is. The cobblestone, the houses on a cliff, you know, how they all jumbled together like that. The beach is beautiful.

The water see-through. The sun is shining. There's not a cloud. There's no litter. There's no graffiti. There's no Jews. It's amazing. And so of course being the lady go out for a beautiful dinner, get a couple pops in

us. Romance is in the air. We're making out in this alleyway. Just like a couple of fucking European homos. Wow. And we're going at it. She starts blowing me. What?

In the alley. Come on. Blowing me and this cat's running by. I'm going, holy shit. These cats are getting the hell of a show. Hey, nice to see you there, socks. God, I'd like to be a fly on that cat. Yes.

That pussy had a fly on it. Or a flea. So we're blowing. I'm like, oh my God, this is crazy. I'm getting blown at Italy. You know, you try to always remind yourself, like, this is great. What a life I have. I'm a comedian getting blown in Sorento, you know.

And blown in the boot. Yes. Boot blow. So I'm getting blown and I see these street kids coming down the alley. Uh-oh. And I go, Jesus, you whore. Get up. Yeah.

Scarlet letter, skank. And she pops up. So now we're making out. So now we're making out. She's acceptable. But my dick. Making out post-BJ. I'm fine with it.

That's hot. That's spicy. That's liquids. Yeah. Yeah. No, I wanted to swallow it and then make out and spit it in my mouth and asshole. That's a different ball game. Ball game.

So now we're making out. But my dick is erect prop between her legs while we're making out. Because I couldn't have time to put it away. I like between the legs. I love between the legs. It's almost like a hot dog in the bun. You know, you can feel the two labias hugging it. Yeah.

Yeah. A little bit of fur on top. Sure. Furry dog. Yeah. So we're making out. Now she starts blowing me again. And I go, ah, fuck it.

She's wearing a romper. So I can't get this thing off. Oh, the romper. It's a onesie. This motherfucker. Those rompers will kill you. Yeah. She's a little kid.

So I just. Huh? Well, that's what these kids, they wear these onesies. I have one more ketchup line. I mean, hot dog line. Ah, I blew it. I'm gonna give you a ketchup joke. Period.

Ketchup. All right. Well, cut the mustard. All right. So she's got the romper. So I've just moved that fucker to the side and she's bending over. And I just moved that in the undies to the side. I'm banging her through the romper.

Wow. And we went at it. We went at it. And I knew I wasn't going to. It was too much pressure to jizz. And I couldn't jizz. But I still got hard and fucked her for like 15 minutes. A through the romper alley bang.

Yes. That's happening, baby. That is big. You know what you're going to hope for when you move the romper leg? You know what would be hot? A little tear. Because you pull it too far. It goes.

Yes. And you pop a couple threads. Right. That would be something. I think I tore a hymen. Tore, tore, tore. Ah, gotta read it. Jews.

So then the next day we sat all day and swam. Just sat out all, just said, hey, clear the fucking docket. The dance card is clear. I'm going to just sit on a chair in the sand and drink and eat sun and drink pool or ocean water. I believe it's the sea. Sea. Thank you.

Let's keep getting stuck on this. Mediterranean. Yes, sir. Good food. Pita. So then we just lay there all day. And we had tequila. And she had rosé or whatever the hell these gals are drinking now.

And then I got some pizza from Naples. You know, it's born there, whatever you call it, invented. Then this is the big thing I want to talk about. We'll move on. Big apple. So we're in Sorento. It's the last day. There's an electronic gate that opens like very old school.

And so we pack up. We're a little hungover. We're done with our Sorento. We're going to go off to a mouthy. And so we go, all right, I'm texting the Airbnb guys. One of these guys who's way too on it. Like he's like into our lives too much. He's trying to be helpful.

We appreciate it, but it's too much. Right. So he keeps going. He keeps texting. We'll see you later. Where should we leave the keys, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, leave them on the front, whatever. We'll come by and say goodbye.

And I go, oh, no need, no need. He's like, no, no, it's what we do. Their whole business is Airbnb. So they're all hospitality to the max. Right. So I go, no need to say goodbye. What do you do? We don't know each other.

We're not friends. You know, it was a great stay, but we're out of here. So we pack up the car. We get in our little fiat. And now I'm pulled up to the gate. And there's an old man walking around who like also lives in the building. He's just an old Italian guy. And he keeps, he's waiting for us to leave.

You can tell he likes it. We're leaving. He wants to get back to his yard and fuck his potatoes or whatever. So I'm like, yeah, you doing, sir? He's like, you leave, you leave now. I'm like, yeah, I'm leaving. Don't worry. Don't worry.

And he's like, well, what do he's waiting for you to leave? And I go, they're coming to say goodbye. So I have to stay. And he's like, he doesn't get it. He's like, what? He doesn't speak English. So I'm like, they're coming to say goodbye. He's like, I don't know.

You just go, you go, you good to go. You know, I'm like, I gotta wait for these idiots. So now the gate opens and he's so aggressive with the buy, like getting me out of there that I just pull up into the gate. Like, look, I'm on my way out. I'm telling you, they just want to come say bye. And he's like, don't you just go. He's like pushing me.

Come on, go, go. And I'm like, so now the gate starts closing. Oh, jeez. On the car. What? The gate closed on the fiat. Oh, my God. So I kicked the old geezer out of the way.

I jumped back in the fiat. I popped that Nazi in reverse and I pulled back. So it goes. Scratches the gate. Oh, my God. A gate scratch. And I never get insurance. Who gets insurance?

I do. Oh, do you? I got to. Canter said to never get it. That's only if you have insurance. We've talked about this before. I don't have insurance. If you have your own car insurance, you don't need it.

Oh. If you got no car insurance, you're going to need that shit. I don't have insurance. I don't have a license. I don't have a degree. Me either. So I pull up and I go, what the fuck? Geez.

Why don't you tell me the gate was. So now I'm yelling at him like, oh, my God. You know, that car is that one scratch on a car. They can charge you eight jizzes and a quiff. I know. Especially there. Who knows what they do. Exactly.

It's European charges, upcharge, queso, the whole thing. Look at the Apollonia business. They'll blow you right up. So then right after that happens, of course, this couple walks up. Hello. We have to say goodbye. They're kissing on the cheek. And I'm furious.

They're like, ah, ah, ah, get me the fuck out of here. It's like, oh, bye. Ah, blow me. Look what the gate did. They're like, ah, you're fine. They're all Italian. Like, ah, it's nothing. It's nothing.

It scratches. It's crying. My wife scratches me all the time. Geez. She sounds like Mrs. Doubtfire, by the way. I always do. So I get back in the car. Now I'm just driving down the Amalfi Coast.

Like, can you believe these fuckers with the bye? You know, when you're the guy driving and your girlfriend's got to be like, yeah, yeah, that was crazy. Sorry. And I'm just venting and venting. That's our whole relationship. Exactly. You know what you think?

Yes. Just give me a verbal response. Exactly. You don't hate the guy on the bus playing the music. Right, right. Just say, yes, he sucks. It's all I need. I know.

Just go, I know. I hope he dies. And they'll go, great. I love you forever. Yes, exactly. So now we're driving on the, now we're on the coast, baby. I'm driving on that windy lane on the edge of the mountain, which everybody told me never to do.

And I said, fuck you. I'm doing it. And I'm getting honked at by everybody because I'm going too slow and like big buses are coming by the other side. There's just a fucking death to my right. And I'm trying to keep it together. And now we're stopped because of some traffic. Because you know, a lot of these times you go up and a bus has to go in reverse to let

you buy. Right. It's a whole thing. And I get, I get, a moped slams me in the back. Oh my God. It's like, Lloyd Christmas. Yes, exactly. I'm to all the June bug.

So I go, what the fuck? And he just goes, and whizzes right by me and goes, he got the fuck out of there. Oh my God. A hit and run. Hit and run. A moped and mope. Hit and run. So I go, what the hell was that?

It's anarchy out there. It's thunder domes. So luckily there was no damage, but he got the fuck out of there. And then we just had a great trip. Positano, a Melfi, Gelato, you name it. We did the whole thing. We did a bus tour with this guy and saw the Isle of Capri. You have to go by boat.

It's insane. Look at my photos on Instagram. There was a retarded kid on a beach. Oh, I love that. Yeah. He was 21, but he was like beyond retard. Oh, he's on his last legs. Those retards don't go for very long.

I guess so. But he didn't have his sea legs because his dad had to change him in front of all, in front of everybody at the beach. Oh, he's brutal. Oh, jeez. It's like beautiful Melfi models everywhere. And I'm just looking up and I just see this retarded kid's dick. Did he change with the legs up and everything?

Yeah. He was sitting on the bench. He was 21. And you see the shit in the underwear. And I was like, ah, I can't just put him in the ocean. Do this in the ocean. What are you doing? No, then you got shit in the ocean.

That's fine. There's a ton of shit in the ocean. That's what the ocean is. And it's the sea. Sea. Wow. It was the sea's balls. Sea's balls.

I'll tell you that. So then we got the hell out of there. We had to drive at 4.30 AM to get the car back to Napoli, Naples. We call it Naples. They call it. Can we just stick with one? Yeah. It's different languages.

I think we talked about this before. We talked with the World Cup. The woman's like, I'm rooting for Italia. Yeah. It's Italy. She's like, no, no. It's Italian. I'm like, well, that's a different language.

I guess. But isn't it easier to have the same words? Like, sure. We'll say, jizz and couch. And they say, jizz-o and ca-cha. But can't we have the countries the same? Well, that's because it's different languages. I guess.

The United States doesn't mean anything to them. That would be like, if we had to call Israel. Yeah. You know what I mean? In China, it would be like, I'm going over to Big Dong Dong, Dong Dong, Dong Dong Dong. I'm heading to Cuba. You know what I mean? Yeah.

You've got to have it in your language. Because China is not called China over there. No. It's China. Is that right? No. I don't know what it is. Like Trinidad and Tobago is probably, you know, knick-knack, tatty-whack.

Give a dog a bone. You know? Like, they don't speak the same business. All right. Well, so we pull up stakes at 4.30. The sun's not even out. We're driving down the coast to get to the Naples Airport. And, lo and behold, there's a guy walking down the street going, oh, where you going,

buddy? And I go, we're just trying to get to the airport. And he goes, one second, or whatever, to UNO Bemento. And oh, boy, here it comes right behind him. About 100 goats. Goats. Goats. The guy with a big wooden stick going, all right, keep it moving.

Keep it underlay, underlay. Arriba, arriba. He was Hispanic. And the goat's just 18 million goats with the clangy goat. What do you call it? The bell? Cowbell. Cowbell on the neck.

I took a photo of it. I got a video of it. It's very dark because it's 4.30 in the morning, but it's on my Instagram. Wow. There's a goat crossing. So now we just, the goats finally passed, took like 10 minutes. Then we just haul ass to the airport. We get to the airport, drop off the rental car, get on the flight, connection in Milan.

We had an hour wait in Milan. The whippet in this town at the airport at Milan was unreal. It was just models as far as the anal could jizz. Wow. And then we, eight hours later, we land in New York City. I get rid of the lady. We do a pod and that's that. Oh yeah.

They would just got here. Yeah. This is crazy. Two weeks in a row, you had just arrived from Italy. Now you're going to do the Tonight Show. Wow. It's a wild sketch. It's a really wild sketch.

We got good lives. We're living. We're trying things. We're doing things. We're going for it. I've had too crazies. I've had too leisurely a schedule. It's starting to give me anxiety.

I'm starting to hate my life. Yeah. If you don't work enough, you feel like am I lazy? Am I a piece of shit? Am I doing enough? Well, I had Paris was six days plus a seventh day off when you get back. I like to reconvene or decompress. Uh-huh.

That was only six weeks ago. Wow. Then we were in Maine for a week and then I just did Nantucket for 40. I like, I've had 25 days out of the last 50 off. It's a weird thing to complain about. But after a while, you're like, all right, I got to fucking go and work. Right. I got to be in the city and work and tell jokes and do something with my life.

You're a cognitive cognizant, cognitive behavior, cognitive dissonance. At least you're aware of it and you're, uh, you're thinking about it. And now you're going to, this is going to force you to go back in even deeper. Yes. You're going to really grind. Well, that's what I'm trying to say. It's just, all right, you're on vacation now. You're working.

But the thing is with vacations too, you're eating ice cream and pizza. I'm having three cokes. I was looking at a bottle of Coke because when I had all these social occasion, I don't drink. So I'm just keeping drinking soda because I'm like, I got a cocktail here. It's a cocktail. Sure. And, uh, you ride them. It's 250 calories.

I'm drinking like three a day. Uh-huh. And the average salary is supposed to be 2,000 salaries. Oh yeah. And I'm drinking 750. I'm drinking 750. Salary or calorie? Calorie.

I see. I made a mistake and I went with it. I got overruled. So an average calorie intake is supposed to be 2,000 caloric. Yeah. I'm drinking almost half of the calories. Wow. That's a, that's a lot of Cal.

Plus I'm eating pizzas. And for the first time in my life, I've reached an age where like, you know, they always say you can't outwork a bad diet. And I was like, what are you talking about? I've been eating pizzas and running my whole life. Right. But I finally got to an age. I'm sleeping in the fetal position as I do.

And like my nostril is whistling. I can't breathe. Oh no. Yeah. I'm farting. I'm like. It's like, it's like I grew asthma over the weekend. Right.

Because I had too much ice cream and pizza. It's a mate with a dietle duty. It'll fuck you up. And then you, you know, when you lay on your side and you feel that gut just. Yeah. It's just flopping over. It's a little Cosby joke. It starts moving before you.

Right. He was good. Right. Um, but anyways, I feel out of shape and stupid. So yesterday I got back and it was Sunday, but it's all habit and addiction. Like I get back at a nine a.m. flight, get back at nine 30. Then the World Cup final is starting. So I'm like, all right, World Cup.

Let me order pizza. Yeah. Any kind of event. I'm like, I'll get a pizza, some soda. So I eat a large pizza. I eat half of it. And then like three hours later, I got to change my diet. I'm a piece of shit.

I'm wheezing. I got asthma. Yeah. This is battery acid use slime. And then I go, I'm watching, uh, sharp objects. The new Amy Adams joint. I thought you're just watching scissors. No, no, no.

I wish. Uh, and then I'm like, I'll eat the other half of that pizza. I'll do that now. So I can't stop eating pizza and drinking soda. It's hard to get back into the groove, but I'll tell you there's something fun that first couple days when you're like, Oh, I'm back in it, baby. I've cut this out. I'm back in the gym.

That's a good feeling. I can never cut anything out other than, uh, pussy and, uh, booze. Yeah. Never been able to cut anything else out. But anyways, I was in Nantucket. Let me talk about Nantucket. I'm dying to hear about the tuck. And I got to make it, uh, a little different than lack.

Cause I went last year, as you know, as you, as you're aware. Sure. Such a killer festival. Karen Morgan, Vic Henley and Kevin Flynn. You ever meet Kevin Flynn? No, it sounds Irish. He lives in New York. Uh, but I think he's in that tucking all the time.

He's a road guy. Maybe I have great, great guy. Funny guy. I, the nice thing about Nantucket festival is I watch more comedy than I ever do. Cause normally I don't want to watch comedy and everyone sucks. It's a whole thing. Sure. A lot of hacks.

So yeah. Yeah. Even the best clubs in the world have a bunch of shitty comics working at them. Yeah. Bizarre. Bad comic. And Netflix. Thanks.

More, more, more comedy out there. I shouldn't say shitty comics. Comics that aren't my cup of tea is what I should say. Well, but you have good taste. I, I don't subscribe to this whole like no superiority in college. Some people are just better. I agree. Yes.

But like everybody's like, well, it's subjective and sustained and overruled and scarlet letter. I think that the Simpsons is funnier than, uh, cheers. Yes. All right. Well. Shit. Simpsons at its best is better than cheers at its best. That's what I'm saying.

Okay. At its best. But there's a lot of bad Simpsons. It's funnier than Romano, Ray Romano show. At its best. Not close. Not close. That's all I'm saying.

Hard degrees and levels and hierarchy. I agree. Thank you. I, uh, degree. Uh, but anyway, so I watched a lot of comedy out in Nantucket. So last year I did the festival as we, uh, talked about it on last year's episode. And I, it was so fun and so cool that I started planting the seed. I'm like, you got to book Sarah next year.

Sure. I'll tag along. Come back. Cause the island of Nantucket is magical. I mean, let me tell you, you got some dough. Your wife makes some dough. Your girl, whatever she is, you got to, it's so expensive. It's so exclusive.

It's insane. You look at the prices. You're like, this is crazy. But if you can find the means or do the festival, you got to get yourself out there. Cause it is a special island folks. This is a to-do. Yes. It's so expensive that they have a, whatever it is, 4F or 8P, the affordable housing thing.

They have to have affordable housing. Their affordable houses is $250,000. That's their projects. Wow. Pretty high. So you got to win a lottery. And then when you win the lottery, you owe 250 grand. And you have to live there for five years because you can flip it.

It's worth a million and a half dollars. So you own it. You own it. You got to buy it. That's the thing. Rent to own. And then you got to sell it for a hundred, a 1.5 mil. Hot tamale.

So you win the lottery. You got to come up with the 250K of course. Yeah. But you got to live in the Nantucket for five years. And then you make a hundred million dollars or whatever the fuck. You flip it. You flip. That's lunch.

And so anyways, I go out to Nantucket. I got Sarah booked. And I email them. I go, hey, I'm going to be there. I want you to go on if you want someone else to go on. They go, great. I would love to have you. So I go out.

I do the first night. OK. You get a flight? Flight. Well, they reimbursed her. I had to pay for my flight. Oh, and now what does that run you? Can I have?

250, not bad. OK. 40 minute flight. All right. It's like a house. 250 thou. So we fly JetBlue. And it's a tricky one because it's a midday flight.

Now I'm a big sports fruit. So we got Wimbledon going on at the same time as World Cup. And so the World Cup, what do you call it? The quarterfinal Wimbledon men's is happening at the same time as the semifinal World Cup. Got it. So we get on and it's JetBlue. They got the streaming fucking direct TV.

Oh, that's big. So I say to Sarah, I'm like, all right, you're going to put the World Cup on yours. I'm going to have Wimbledon on mine. So now we're flying. I got Del Potro and Nadal playing a fucking five set classic on my TV. And I got England and your mother's cunt over on this TV.

Yes, mother's cunt. A lot of good shooting. Croatia is what I meant to say. Thank you. Croatia is a Serbian for mother's cunt. Aha. Former Yugoslavia. They're killing it, by the way.

All right. The final of World Cup yesterday. I'm watching both at once. One on my phone, one on the TV is a Serbian guy and a Croatian team, Yugoslavia dominating sports. Have they not split up into a bunch of different things? Yeah, they're all wacky over there with their division. Yeah, they divided up, I guess, I don't know, Russia or

World War II. I don't know what the fuck happened over there. Constantinople. Because we were kids, so we didn't know what the hell was going on. One second there was Yugoslavia. The next second there wasn't. I don't know what the Berlin Wall is about either.

Who knows? But I think it was communism. I'm not sure. David Hasselhoff is part of it. He's good. And Reagan, tear down a wall. I don't know. Yeah, they'll pay for it.

Yeah, he belongs to a great party. They're doing great now. Anyways, so we're watching the game. And now I'm like, I'm on the thing. And it's all these rich cunt. Like, Nantucket is the most exclusive place in the world. I mean, it's the richest cuntiest cunts in the fucking planet.

But beautiful. And so I'm on there. And I got fucking the tennis match over here and soccer over here. And I'm like, wow. And Sarah's album, she's like, you got to stop. Everyone's looking at you. But I'm like, why aren't they watching this match?

And it was fun because the World Cup, you can see all these TVs have the World Cup on. And a goal scores. And everyone goes crazy. Yeah. But no one's into tennis. So I'm yelling at the tennis. They think I'm ahead.

They're like, somebody scored. Shut up. We're behind. They're like, no, no, this is tennis. Like they have a delay. Yes, exactly. So it was quite a thrill. And I'm watching both at once.

The tennis ends at the exact time regulation ended in the World Cup. Brutal. Unbelievable. So then, but then, so then we land. But the World Cup is tied. So they're going to like extra time. But the flight has landed and Jet blew these cocksuckin

fucking cunts. Yes. They turn the TV off once you land. They do that. Why do they do that? Why do you do that? Let me watch. Yes.

Taxiing. Let me watch. They'll turn the TVs off for announcements sometimes. Like I can do a visual and audio. I know. Give me the visual. I hate it. It's always like.

Yes. When they come on. It hurts. Oh, God. I sleep through that shit. I'm like, I think I'm getting electrocuted. It's horrible. It's like a Sonic youth show.

I never got them at all. Sonic boom. So anyways, so we landed. We missed an extra time of the soccer match. But that's fine. What are you going to do? We saw the tennis. That was great.

We get there and just a beautiful island. A lot of great people hanging out. Good fun festival. All these old Boston legends. Patty Ross. If you don't know Patty Ross, I don't know what she has on YouTube or TV. She's in a bunch of movies. She's in the heat.

She's in clear history. The Larry David movie. All right. She's amazed. So funny. She's one of these people that can't not be funny. Interesting. Everything she does is funny.

She walks out. She says hello. It's funny. I walk up to her. Patty. She goes. I go, what is that? What's the matter?

I'm happy to see you. I was like, well, she's like, that was a happy to see you. I'm happy to see you. She talks like this. She's been, you know, she's got a whole voice. She does a whole bit about it. They're like, you got to stop smoking. Listen to your voice.

She's like, I've had this voice since I was five years old. And there's a whole bit. I mean, she is so funny. Let's be in. No, no. She's just, she's got a raspy voice. All right. She's an old, she's lived.

She's lived. I think she's had the voice her whole life. She's got a deep voice, I guess. But so funny. I mean, I went to the show. Sarah was on ladies night. They do ladies night show, which last year I told you about was hilarious.

Last year was Aaron Jackson. Oh, fear. Killer show this year. It was Sarah Ali Breen who's got some killer stuff. Uh, Sarah killed. There's a Christine Hurley who I love. Christine Hurley. I mean, some of these comics are killer.

She's an old Boston comic. She's married to a firefighter who's friends with all my uncles. And, uh, she's, uh, So it was a good show. Period. Yes. It was a good period. Hey, would they do that with the women's shows?

Yes. Well, it's a whole thing. But the, the show was killer. Ali killed. And then the, uh, Christine Hurley just murdered another person who's so funny. So fun. I got a queef when she's on for a second.

She walked by. I did a queef by myself. Oh, I heard about that with a movie. Yeah, it was pretty fun. Now where are these gals on the, on the televisions? Are they on the shows? Are they older? Cause these, these industries are a little, a little ageist.

Yes. Well, Patty Ross has been, she was in LA for years and years. And, uh, she's got a Seinfeld story where she get like color of color and like, she was at the comedy store and she brought up Seinfeld. And he's like, Colin, you hear was a big mistake. Wow. Looks terrible. She's like, the next day I changed it.

Whoa. What an asshole. She's like, no, no, he was right. It was crazy. Interesting. She's got a crazy David O Russell story too, but that's not my story to tell. That guy's like a legend for being an asshole. That's what I hear.

Yeah. She's got a story about him being an asshole, but that's her story to tell at some point. But anyways, she started in probably like 80, 81. Don Gavin is there. Kenny Rogers is there. Tony V's that's like all these old Boston legends who are just killer acts, still killer acts. Yeah.

Gavin's got some of my favorite bits of all time. Oh, some of the best. And he's, he's slowed, but he's just as funny. Like he used to talk really fast. Yeah. But now he kind of has like this slow draw and it works for him. Is he boozing? Oh, he boozes baby.

Oh man, he's hanging in. Oh yeah. He's 70 and he still rips it in just one of the funniest people of all time. Another guy just always has the best line. Yes. He's one of those guys. Everything he says, you're like, you couldn't have said a funnier thing in that situation. Boy, he should be huge.

Yeah. He's like, he's a Hall of Famer. And, but Patty's just killing me. She comes out. She has this thick accent. That's so funny. She just comes, her opening line, she just comes out and she goes, you guys hot. I'm so hot.

And like the crowd just died immediately. Everyone's like, this is so funny. That's funny. So she just kill. She's got these like killer bits where Holly and Sarah and I are sitting together because Sarah did her set and then came and sat with me. That's always fun. I love that.

It's nothing funer than finishing your set and then going and sitting in the crowd with the other comics. Yes, she came. Everybody killed. We're holling. We're knee slapping. Great parties. And we did the same as last year.

We rented bikes this time. I had a partner, Sarah. We ride out to Madicat Beach, which is my most favorite beach in the world. Madicat. Madicat. M-A-D-E-A-K-E-T. That's such a New England word. It really is.

And it's, it's all the whole island's like all preservation. This is these huge million dollar house, but they're old, like New England cottage style with that bluish gray, whatever the fucking spruce, whatever the wood is. I don't know anything about anything. Yeah. Pine, naughty pine. Might have been naughty pine. It's naughty.

I'll spank it. But you gotta try it. Same thing. Instagram. I posted all the photos and we did all this like hiking, but you can stop off the bike. You hook your bike up, you fucking hike out there and it's all this preservation, like it's never been touched as hawks flying and birds and your mothers. And then you get out to the beach and it's like, actually it's like open ocean.

There's like four foot swells. There had been a hurricane. I dive in there. I'm swimming. It's spiritual, Mark. I love it. Then I get in. I'm drying my shorts off.

I'm flying down the hill, standing up on the thing. The wind is whipping my asshole. Just a beautiful, beautiful time. And I had a nice cigar with Tony V. He's such a fucking classic comment. He's got me. His daughter's going to school here. He's going to be coming down. I want to get him on hot soup.

I love to have. I mean, this guy. Big fan of the V. We need him at the cell. The seller's gone. A little flaccid. Yeah. Still, still a killer. So great time.

The charade small was there, which is fine, you know, because it's Nantucket. It's all rich and stuffy. He's got a joint in the tank top. He's on the N word and they're all, they love them. They love them. They love the blacks. Yeah. They're fucking howling and he murder.

I mean, Nori Davis murder. I believe while they're exotic down there. Oh yeah. They killed Tony kill Patty kill. Great show. Such a funny show. Fun, fun time. So as he asked you to do the festival, you should do the festival because yeah, all right.

They hit me up. I was booked. There's no money. And it's four day. The whole thing. And because I had it, comics are skeptical. They're like, it's no money. They're talking Nantucket.

I don't even know half these people. Then you get there and it is dynamite food. Great food. They feed. They take it to these house parties every night. Billionaires. They like showing off their houses down there. It's all socialites down there, you know, and they take you into their homes and you

steal shit. It's really a lot of fun. I love it. I'll get a candlestick. Great time. We had ice cream, pizza, lobster rolls, the whole thing. Well, you are living man, France Nantuck crazy summer. I'm going to Dublin in a couple of weeks and I think I wrote down some other things here

that I got to talk about. I can't remember. Oh, this was fun. This is a fun little nugget. We're walking on the beach. I go swimming. We're walking on the beach. And Sarah sees the thing.

She's like, what is that? What's that over there in the beach? I go, I don't know. Let's check it out. We walk over. What are the spookiest things they've ever seen? It's a big dead deer carcass. Get out of here.

And the only thing that survived is like one strip of fur and it's little leather feet. They have those leather hoofs. Is that a leather? It looks leathery. I don't know. I've never. Wow. It's expensive upholstery.

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, it looks like the white tops. Like a hoof. Like it was hard. You can hit it with a hammer, you know, a hoof. Well, leather is hard. I'm talking about it.

It's like they're like rocks. I don't know. I didn't touch it because it was dead. I never touched a live or dead deer hoof. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I haven't. I got a lucky deer hoof.

I mean, I don't know what was what, but it had the skeleton, had the teeth of a human. I think I could take a deer tooth and stick it in my ass. It would work. An anal dentite. But I mean, it was just an old pile of bones and real creepy just looking at you. And I'm like, shouldn't the DPW come and scrape this up? Yeah. Where are you DP?

We're sitting there going, how did this get here? Now my theory is that the deer saw some water was like, let me go down there. And it hit the, you know, the riptide just fucking crushed it. And it drowned or broke its hoof or leg or something. Big deer. Yeah. It's probably little, but it's in a, I'm talking about a pile of bone. Like the wicket witch, you know, when they throw the water on it, she sinks down into

just like a wrinkle. That's what it looked like. So it had been decaying for some time. Oh, for, it looked like centuries. Oh wow. I mean, it was a little Mohawk of fur that was still there. Everything else had like cooked off. And then there was like a jaw and like legs and then just the black hoofs.

Those hoofs man. They hang. Yeah. They got hanging hoops. We got to hoof it. So anyways, that was that. And then we flew back yesterday and it's funny cause the airport is so small. We beat TSA there.

There's like a big line, like 10 people waiting in line. What is this? Yeah. Why are we, what are we doing this? But people that work for TSA can't afford to live on the island. So they got to take a fucking ferry. So we were just there before them. Like TSA came running in like, I'm sorry.

They're like tucking in their shirts and shit. That's funny. And we're like, why is there such a line? They hadn't arrived yet. And then they're like, all right, come on in. Get in here. And they're all, you know, they got sleep in their eye. The whole thing.

Sleep. I think it's sleep, isn't it? I think it's sleep. Sleep. They call it a gunk sleep. They call it the same thing as sleep. Well, sleep, you get it from sleeping. That seems silly.

I've told you. That's like, I worked in the TSA for three years. That's like an STD called anal. Sure. I got anal. How'd you get that from anal? Yeah. They got, they got, I'm trying to think of another one.

They got other words like that. There's no other words like that. Not anal, but where the thing it is is what you call it. Oh man, I ate. I ate too much food. I was footing in my toilet all night. Foodie. Yeah, but that's not how you describe barfing or shitting.

I'll think of one. There's other ones. I've heard this. Oh, jizzing. Because jizz, you jizz, jizz. Yes, yes. That's similar. Okay, jizz them.

I jizzed. Uh-huh. What'd you jizz? Jizz. Yeah. Damn, I had one before you jizzed on me. Sorry. I didn't mean to jizz you.

Damn it. But there's others. All that jizz. So sleep, you sleep and then you get sleep. I didn't get any sleep last night. I'm full of sleep. That sounds terrible. No, no, it's good.

I woke up with no sleep in my eyes. I don't use it, but it's out there. So what do you use? What do you say? It's not sleep. I just say gunk. I say I jizz. I say, you know.

No, I'm not arguing that it's not sleep. I'm just blown away by how bad this word is. It's not a good word. I don't use it either. We say eye boogers. We'd always say I got eye boogers. That works. That's better than sleep.

Eye boogers is good, but sleep is out. All right. No sleep. I'm not trying to push the sleep. I'm just saying I made a mistake, but I'm saying sleep sucks. I'm saying it sucks too, but I didn't invent it. I got a sleeping bag under my eye. There you go.

Those are bags. Those are bags. That doesn't, it's something like you proved a point, but there's no point. You don't take a bag and have a bag. I'll put my bag on your chin. Please. But anyway, so that was Nantucket. And oh, this is a fun little, this is a little, little, little beef, little queef here, little

dick touch. All right. I'm on the, and you know how I, first of all, I'm getting angry at my old age. I think at some point I'm just going to be like an old conservative, kind of yelling at kids in my lawn. Sure. Yeah. I can never afford a lawn.

Turn that music down. Patreon. So anyway, I'm on the train today and there's an old guy, he's old, so whatever, I feel bad for elderly, blah, blah, blah, but he's playing the slot machine on his phone with the sound on. Oh. And it's the worst. It's that, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop,

boop. Yes. I know what you need the sound for. You're still playing the game. So I walk, I'm so, I'm livid and I'm just looking around and you ever, this is similar to what we were talking about earlier. When you're getting so mad, you just want to connect with someone else, be like, right? Yes.

And I got no one, no one's connecting. I'm looking around being like, come on guys, this guy. Need a connecting flight. They had their own headphones on, or they weren't listened, or they were sleeping. Ah. And so finally I got up, it was my stop at Queensborough Plaza. So I walked out, he was sitting across me on the bench on the very end of it on the train.

And so I walked over and I went. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. I did that in his ear. Whoa. Right by his ear because I was about to leave. The train was... Who are you?

I'm Batman, baby. I've had it up to here with this. You are Batman. That's like on the curb when he goes up to the guy who's talking on the phone in the restaurant alone and he just goes up and he's like, can you believe that and they get in the guy on the phone is like this idiot's talking to himself and he's like, I'm doing what you're doing. Right.

I have more. I can only be pushed so far, Mark. Sure. You've had enough. I had three big, I threw the egg at the car one time. I remember that. That was terrifying. I regret doing that to this day.

But you got away with it. I did. But then I had the Arizona guy, the hiking guy with the music. On the mountain. Yes. I spoke up with him. I think you're a hero. That was pre therapy and this guy did it.

But then I realized this is what I suspect. The guy never flinched. He never looked up. He never moved. Oh, he's deaf. I think he might be deaf. Oh, deaf comedy jam. He might have no idea.

I'd like to jam his frequency. Sure. So he dies. But I think that I think that he might not have any idea that this sound is even on. Wow. Or he's just like DiMaggio at Dinky Donuts. He's in the zone. He doesn't know what's going on.

He's just on that gamble. He's a gamble holic. But I look like a crazy person because I'm picking on an elderly guy. But smart move. You're going to start picking on folks. Maybe start with the geezer. Exactly. I'm not going to pick on a man between 20 and 40.

That's no. No, no, that's a prime. But this guy. But anyways, I did a nice. And everyone's looking at me like what a psychopath. Wow. And then I felt proud of myself, but he didn't do anything. That's a good superpower.

I mean, Batman will save a life and Superman will, you know, pick someone out of a volcano. But you'll do a. The thing about them is they're not real. Ah, good point. I'm real, baby. I'm keeping it real. Keeping it real. Yeah.

But it's funny how you do that to the old guy and you're the asshole. He's the asshole. He is the asshole. Let me just say this real quick, too. I keep forgetting to plug it and canner is going to stab me in the chest. We got our show Sunday, July, this Sunday, July 22nd at the apartment, PS 109 99 between second and third. To be honest, I think Skankfest might be taking away from it a little bit because everyone

that's fans of this business, they all went to Skankfest their load on the skanks. So we might not have timed it well, but this Sunday this ticket, a lot of tickets available. We're having a trouble selling it. Summer Skank, whatever the fuck it is. So if you're listening, if you're in New York City, Sunday, it's always a killer show. We got some great comics by tickets because we're sweating it here. Please buy them and get hard to tweet that shit.

Yeah. We need our to tweet it. But go buy them right now. July 22nd, this Sunday. And I'm in Providence. Well, I'm doing my plugs early. We'll go back to the business. I just wanted to make sure I got that out there and Providence this weekend and then that

August Seattle show too. And how about the goddamn live app? We're doing it. The Hollywood improv in Los Angeles, California, October 30th, Halloween Eve. We need you out for that one. I mean, that's come down from San Fran Sacramento, San Diego, Vegas and your, your uncle's con. Yeah.

Please come out to that and say hello. And it's going to be a hot live. We've never done an LA. We've never done a West Coaster. So this is going to be a doo-hoo zee. And people have been asking about it by request and the Patreon is keeps getting better folks. I just did a quip in DC. You did a solo.

I did a solo quip talking movie. I went through every decade. My favorite movie from each decade. Oh, that's good. And Christine Hurley, Popeye. You got Chris Allen, our old buddy. Yeah. And Sean Joyce.

Oh, I love joy. I mean, I'm a big Joyce fan. We've talked about it. Now, how do you do? How do you pick a 70s, a favorite movie in the 70s? That's a tough choice. Well, you just got to pick your favorite. I mean, it's not tough for me.

The Godfather. Oh, yeah. It's Godfather, Godfather, two cuckoos. Now, I don't want to give it all away. We got a whole page. But those three are my big three. Hit the Gay Trion for all the fun nuggets. Hit the Patreon.

And we got two like half hour bonuses with you and not like a full episode essentially on there. And we got, we got into it. We got spicy. So you got to want to get in that Patreon folks. A lot of you are on it, but we still only have a fraction of our listeners around the Patreon. It's three bucks.

Yes. A month. There's a video on there. All the live episodes are on there. We're both gay. Go fucking get the Patreon. Please blow me. Now, let me ask you this.

We got a few minutes left. We're going to have to get to Skankfest next week. Oh yeah. I guess I'll save it. Yeah. Save that. But we're 10 minutes away here. We're going to finish the pod.

I'm going to leave. I'm going to go beat off at my own asshole. How are you feeling now? You got, you're getting picked up in 90 minutes. Oh my God. I'm feeling good. I got to get a shower in. I'm going to put the suit on.

But you put that suit on. You feel like a goddamn man. I put the, I'm wearing the Rolex. I'm going to wear the Louis CK inscribed Rolex. Rolex on the tonight show. I got friends coming. I can't wait to get, they're plugging the pod. Who's plugging the pod?

Fallon. Oh, Fallon's plugging the pod. Jimmy Fallon will say, hey folks, tune in to Tuesdays with Stories and Marc Sadoosh. Oh, that's huge. Yeah. So that's exciting. And the suit's hanging. I'm gay.

I'm going to rub one out. Maybe I shouldn't rub one out. Maybe I'll treat it like a boxer. I don't jizz for three weeks. Give me the Joe Frazier quote. They go, boy, not, not, uh, not having sex or coming for six months. That must make you a little on edge. And then Joe Frazier goes, it makes you evil.

Wow. That's great. I don't care for Kelsey Graver. But yeah, can't wait. It's going to be a hot one. Looking forward to it. Uh, let me just say, I had one more thing. Oh, let me just shout out to DC, the district of Columbia.

Yes. Went out to DC. We sold out three shows out of four. Pretty good for a no name to come. And, uh, a lot of Tuesdays, a lot of photos, a lot of gift cards. We love you. The hour is getting cooking. That is a great room.

No checks, no radio. You don't have to fly. You can, you can walk from the hotel. I mean, Sean Joyce hung out at every show. We went to the big hunt after we did all the mics. We did the diner. We went to the diner. The Chappelle and Seinfeld went because we're a bunch of nerds.

Oh, that's great. Chris Allen was killing it. Two man show. Mia Jackson showed up. I saw Andy Klein and the whole gang. And it was just a great, great weekend. I love that. I really love it.

I mean, some of my best memories are there. The Louis special, the cigars walking around. That crazy hotel is. What was at the Al Jackson? What was that hotel? The Haywood. The Hayden Church. Thomas Hayden Church.

No. No, the Hay. The Hay. The Hay. It's H-A-Y. Yeah. The Hay. Hays for Horses.

Hays for Horses. Wow. Hey, what the hell, hey. Hey, No. Hey, Adams. Hey, Adams. Hey, Adams. Hey, Adams, hotel.

And we were there. I mean, go back and listen to that episode. That was fun. That was the special. And I was just looking at old photos of the Louis special because I went there to scout the location. Uh-huh. That was on the way to Austin.

Right. What I think about it sometimes, because I was at Nantucket, you walk out onto the runway to get to the plane. And it reminded me that carrying the luggage across the runway reminded me that Louis tour and how special it was. I'll never get to go back there. Yes. What a thrill.

I mean, you've done the Amy and maybe you'll get to do Amy again or maybe Louis someday will be that big again. But I don't know about that. Well. But the idea, just hopping from country to country on a private jet. Unreal. Walk across that runway. Unreal.

Just stamp your shit. I mean, unbelievable. I know. I mean, half the memorabilia on my walls is just going overseas and doing these arenas. My biggest bombs were in front of 200 or 20,000 people. And just that jet. I remember landing in Ireland on a private jet at like seven in the morning going, why don't I travel more?

And then I realized, oh yeah, because she paid for the jet. She paid for the hotel. She paid for the black car. But yeah, just unbelievable. We're doing it, baby. And we're going to do it ourselves one day. We're going to be headlining big rooms ourselves. I hope so.

God love you. Black car heroine. Peace be with you. Yeah. Speaking of headlining. Come on to the Providence Comedy Connection. Get on the Patreon. Suck your own dick.

Oh my God. We got time. We got a rift. Let's talk about some tits. I'll tell it to Skankfest. I'll knock it out. All right. Do some tits.

I mean, you're like at eight minutes. So maybe tease it a little bit. All right. Well, I told you everything. It took six seconds. All right. Tell me everything. All right.

So I did DC. Skankfest was Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Maybe Thursday. I think Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Yeah. These kooks. I got a shout out to Gomez, Smith, and Ochre. These?

Son? Son? Yes. Moon. So he, these guys, they've been doing this festival, the Legion of Skanks, that's their pod. They all know them. They've been doing this festival called Skankfest, and they do it at the creek in the cave.

They get another bar here and there to tie into it. They rented this Polish wedding hall in the middle of Green Point, Brooklyn, three levels of anarchy. The top level had a show with probably 300 people on it. I show up. Ari's fucking killing it. They're hanging on his every word. He gets off.

I go on. I have a hot one. Then Norton. Then a tell. Then Bennington. Then Artie Lang. It was insanity. Then I go downstairs because I had to run in.

I ran in. So you're running. You just see like, oh, there's a girl getting a tattoo of a skank. There's a guy getting blown. There's a dude doing a whip it. I mean, it was just bananas. It was like the foot clan in Ninja Turtles. Oh.

I love that. The skateboard. Somebody's skateboarding. Somebody's doing a bong load. And somebody's getting his ass all eaten out by his dad. It's insane. Wow. I see that.

And I mean, all the whole time, like, oh my God, because they've been there all weekend. I've seen it for the first time. I go down the stairs. I get hit by 30 Tuesdays. Let's get a photo. Let's hang out. Praise Allah. We're doing a headlock.

Then I go. They go. There's the comedians' green room. So I go, all right. I go in the comedians' green. Food everywhere. Booze everywhere. Everybody's getting high.

There's a puff of smoke. Salvo canos in there. Sherrod Smalls in there. All the, you know, Oakrissons in there. The whole gang, Adele, all these people. And just livin' it up. Bobby Kelly to do a tough crowd reunion. Packed out.

Bobby Kelly, Colin Quinn, Bonnie McFarlane, Jim Norton, rippin' it up. Then you go downstairs. There's an ongoing open mic for, like, eight hours. You know, everybody's tired and drunk and gay, and everybody's livin' it up. There's a tattoo parlor down there. There's a full working bar. There's a blow job room. The whole thing's insane.

So then they do the roast. Then they do the naked roast. Ari and Lewis are gettin' to a big fight on stage. It was out of a movie. Louis pisses in a cup, throws it on Ari. Wow. Somebody's got this on video, because it was bananas. The whole room was exploding.

This just Polish wedding hall has never seen anything like this. I can guarantee you that. My God. His piss everywhere. The crowd's goin' bananas. Oh, my God. It was unbelievable. The road, Eli Sares won the belt.

I can say that. Yeah, that's out. This is older. Yeah, he won the belt again. He beat Amiko at the end, and there was a kid with no arms who was amazing. He beat Amiko. Eli beat Paul Hooper. Oh, I love Hooper.

Hooper hung in there. He did great. And then Mike Lawrence was on the day as just zingin' and zangin'. Lewis hosted the shit out of it. DJ Isis, the whole thing was bananas. I had to leave. I'm doin' the Tonight Show the next day. I can feel like a scratch in my throat.

I got like 18 beers being handed to me, 38 shots on a joint, and a heroin needle. I gotta get the fuck outta here. So I just took a cab all the way home, which I never do. All the way home, all the way home. So I got a hand to those guys. Check out the video if you can find it. I'm sure somebody was recording. Ari and Lou is goin' at it was like special.

It was like an, I never used the word epic, but I still won't, but it was amazing. Wow, yeah, I'm bummed I missed it. I was in Antarctica. I was like in the opposite place of Skankfest. Yeah, you were relaxed. You were mellow. This was over-the-top drug-fueled anarchy jizz. Yeah, I was on a yacht with people with like salmon sweaters wrapped around their shoulders.

And over there they're sweating, throwing piss and getting tattooed. I've said it before, I'll keep saying it. Please do not get a Tuesdays with stories tattoo. No, I feel guilty. No, I don't want anything to, why can't I get Lewis's initials tattooed? You got a Lewis J. Gomez tattoo. What's that? LJG?

Who's that for? It's fascinating to me. Hey, do what you got. It's your body. My body's nobody's body, but mine. You run your own body. Let me run mine, as they say, but. I love B.I.G.

You know, do your thing, but that's not my scene. I don't want anyone to be going like, ah, check it out with a big gay burrito on their shoulder. Go buy a T-shirt, a Tuesdays shirt, go buy a Chipotle anal, but don't mutilate your black skin. Yeah, but speaking of which, go get a T-shirt, merchpump.com slash Tuesdays with stories. A lot of T-shirts at Skankfest, a lot of T-shirts at the Draft House. Somebody had the old, original Tuesday rainbow. Oh, no.

He got a lot of love. How about the fucking guy running with the bulls with a Tuesdays with story shirt on? Whoa, I didn't hear about this. On Instagram, he tagged you. What are you crazy? I didn't even look at it. He tagged you, commented, there's a photo of a guy with the burrito shirt with our heads in a burrito.

What? He's running with the bulls. There's a bull. What? I got to find his name. Are you kidding me? I got to give him a shout out, this son of a bitch. Oh, my God.

That's unreal. How did you not see it? He posted it. I don't read anything. I'm gay. Gays in the military. Hold on. Oh, shit.

Jizz in my mouth. The bulls. He didn't tag us. He just commented. Oh, he probably tagged us in the calm. I don't know where he wrote. Fuck me hard. I don't know.

Well, thanks for a million there. It was a pump. Lano. Where do they do that? The Spain? I don't know his name. The guy's on first. Yeah.

Yeah. Somewhere in Spain. Espana. They call it over there. Yes. But anyways, he ran with the bulls wearing a two. So that's gonna be a hard one to top. Don't kill yourselves.

But if anyone wants to skydive with pirates in a Tuesdays shirt on. I thought Sal Volcano wearing it on the Joker's was a hot ticket. That's a doozy. No. He's nothing. He stinks. Yeah. You hear that Sally?

Yeah. Take that, Sal. You Puerto Rican dike. No, I'm kidding. You know what I like about Sal? He keeps going to skank fat. Because that guy's got a career. He's on true TV 100% of the time.

He doesn't give a shit. He's a real ass dude. As you were. He's the real deal. He was on the dais the whole roast. He sat there and did his like nice quips where they're all very polite. That's great. He's like, I'm myself.

I'm going. I got his tour with Barghetti and Christchurch and all those Jews. What a great guy. They are on TV 100% of the time. Yeah. They kill. He's got to be a zillionaire. And they're still touring.

He's a good egg. All right. We got to go. Check out my other thing is right now. It's Tuesday. So that's up on YouTube. So go to YouTube. You know the drill.

We're on every fucking three months. Give some YouTube comments. Give it a thumbs up. I mean, blow this thing up. Share it. Every single person share it and share it on all your social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, your mother, email it, forward it, send it to all your friends at work. Oh yeah.

And give it a thumbs up and comment and then make sure you comment, check out Tuesdays with stories on there. Yes. That gets everyone going that way. Just bring the people in and make sure if anyone's writing anything negative, say you're a fucking retard. You don't know shit from Shoe Shine. Yeah.

Fight them. Go at it with them. Screw them. And you know, thumbs up it and share it. You got old stuff on there. I got old stuff on the YouTube. Get it all out there. Let's take over the world.

Tuesdays. Not the world, maybe, but you know, a hundred thousand people would be nice. Yeah. You get too many. They're going to come after us. That's true. Yeah. We don't get too famous because then we can't talk freely.

They'll beat us to submission. All right. We've got to go. Go to the Tonight Show. Get out of here. I'm going to go take a dump and a shower and a shave and kill myself. So thanks a lot, folks. We love you.

One of the podcasts has a guy doing the Tonight Show this day. Not a one. So check it out. Tell a friend. Go gay and fuck your dad. I'll see you in hell. Eat your own gum. Ah!