Tuesdays with Stories! - #255 Loud Diddle

Episode Date: July 24, 2018

It's a damp and swampy Tuesday as Joe opens up for Michelle Wolf at OZY Fest during a monsoon & Mark chats with Fallon at the Tonight Show before getting into it with an angry meat head at the gym. Check it out! Sponsored by: "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Ridiculously Self-Indulgent, Ill-Advised Vanity tour" now on Stitcher Premium. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com/weirdal and use promo code 'STORIES' Eero Home WiFi (Go to www.eero.com and use code 'TUESDAYS' for free shipping) Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Lest. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Nah. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Holy dick cheese on my enchilada. We are back, gang. You know it. You love it. You're gay.

Tuesdays. Here we are at the comedy cellar. Oh boy. Do we want to reveal that? Are we revealing the big change? I don't think we were able to change it. But I don't want to throw them off the scent here. We're not on Riotcast, but we love Riotcast.

Sure, good eggs. But we are in the Riotcast studio. Yeah. But yet we're not using the Riotcast studio. Not using a studio, not using your mics or equipment. We have our own Zoom here. We're portable fuckers. Yeah.

But we're in the comedy cellar because we got some crazy stuff on the horizon. Work wise. Our careers are gay, and we're all over the road, and schedules are tough to... Bunker? Compatible. They're not... They're bumpin'.

Synchronized. Synchronized. Yeah, we got a synchronized swim. The kitchen synchronized. Boy, I'm out of it. I mean, I am wackadoo, dude. I'm on four hours over here. I got double your sleep, but still not enough.

The floor is brewed away. Where were you? I don't even remember anymore. Oh, so I'll get into it. But let me just finish this. Also, we're here because your dame is sleeping at the apartment. Oh, yes. I mean, this is all about your lady.

She's at the apartment diddling right now, and she didn't want us to see. And the diddling is very loud, so it would ruin the mic sound. Oh, a loud diddle. Big diddle. She's bowed diddly. Oh, wow.

Mine's more of a vibration situation. It's more of a boom. Mine sounds like an old Buick if you hit 60 miles an hour. Right. Like one of those. Remember that old Dana Carvey joke, trying to start a car? It sounds like a Catherine Hepburn. Oh, wow.

Yeah. That one's covered in dust. It's dated. So is her badge. Well, what about DiPallo has the all-time dildo joke? Shopping for his wife went shopping for a dildo. It was too realistic. She came home.

It had more veins in it than Iggy Pop's forearm. Wow. I thought she stole a steak shake, steak pepper, a pepper mill from a steak house. Pepper mill. Yeah. And yeah, I call her stealing bad. Go check on that.

I don't remember which album that's on. And DiPallo's got a new show. Go check it out. Check it out. It's on Patreon. We're on Patreon for God's sakes. Yes, you got that right. And if you're missing, if you're not on our Patreon,

you're fucking sucking your dad's dick on Wednesdays because. Bad day to do it. Our Patreon is covered. It's got more bonuses than I got herpes swords. I mean, this thing is wall to wall. Constant breakout. It's not like they come and go. They're out there.

Yeah. Wall to wall carpeting or hardwood floors. What do you prefer? Because they make it sound good. Wall to wall carpets, hardwood floors. I like a hardwood floor with a carpet. A rug. So you don't like a wall to wall?

No. No. Wall to wall is no good. What am I, a red roof? Well, the problem, the nice thing about hardwood is if you come on it, you just sweep it right up. You sweep it up. You can't sweep it under the rug.

Right, right. But you can just mop up. That's true. Yeah, rug things soak in. It's a double-edged cock because the rug, if you spill something on it, it's visible. You can't get it out. You're fucked.

But the rug keeps things where you don't have to clean as much. OK. You know, it's like you go to Vegas. The rug there looks like a miscarriage. It's all colors and wiggles and wackles. But, you know, you get a white rug. You can see everything. Yes.

That's about as subtle as a cockroach walking across a white rug. Oh, I've never heard that. That was from JFK, the film, not the president. Got it. Well, I just bought it. I don't know if I talked about this last episode. I can't remember. Good airport.

I got a vacuum cleaner. I can't remember if I said this already. I got a dirt devil little vacuum cleaner from my cousin, who I appreciate when we moved in. It was a housewarming gift. That's a nice little dust buster. It was great, but this thing is a piece of garbage. It never worked from day one, from the get go.

Wow. We just went a little crazy. We got a Dyson. Oh, that guy's a nut. I mean, it was a lot of money, but this thing really sucked my asshole. Do we talk about this? Because I remember you describing Dyson with the no bag. I can't remember if it was on air or off air.

Yeah, yeah. He's got no sack. It's tough because that Dyson guy is obsessed. He's like a lunatic. He lost his wife over this. He was tinkering in a garage, and his wife left him. We might have said this. I don't think so.

If we're in repeats on Dyson, people are going to leave forever. There's no way they're getting a Patreon. If we're on Dyson repeats. If we're on Dyson repeats, then we suck. Oh, bag. Yes, zero bag. I think I talked about this. So anyways, let's move on.

Crazy Dyson blow me. We want to talk about it off air. Maybe. We're big into Dyson. I can't remember if it was on air or off air, but send us a Dyson. Now we're in Bobby's studio. I want to be the new Bobby. He's up here talking about fucking hammocks and fucking sleeping bags.

And they're just sending him his way. Right. I got a $900 hammock. I haven't even cracked it open because he mentioned it twice on his pod. What kind of hammock is holding that guy up? Well, I got to tell you a bad Bobby story. He's going to hate this episode because we're stealing his studio and we're talking about him.

Oh, that's right. But this isn't about, well, it's not about us anyways. But I was on stage with the Providence comedy connection, and I was just, you know, you look around, you're getting kooky, and there was a button on the stage. Like a vote for Truman? No, no, like a button, like you button your shirt. Oh, okay. Another great Apollo joke.

Buttons. They're on your pants. They're on your shirt. But anyways, I picked up the, well, I didn't do the setup, of course. You got to get the setup. I was going to say it's observational, but not much of a punch. Well, the joke was about 60 minutes. And who's the guy at the end of 60 minutes?

Walter Brimley. Mickey Rooney? Yeah, Mickey Rourke. Mickey Rourke. It is Mickey Rooney. You're right. Rourke's the wrestler. I think he was pretending.

Oh, well, they all are. Well, there's the amateurs. That's true. The Greco-Romans. It's funny. The amateurs are actually more real than the pros, which is odd. It is. By the way, what's a Greco?

What's that about? Greek. Is that right? It's Greek. Yeah. It's like a Greco salad. Yeah. I think it's the old Greek.

It's like Oriental. So they're older than the salad. The wrestlers are older than the salads. I guess so. Yeah. Salads are new. We've been wrestling since the beginning of time, I guess. Well, I'm wrestling with something myself.

There was a button on the ground, as you know. Yes. And I picked up the button. I go, boy, it must have been a fat comic on stage. And four different guys in unison went Bobby. Wow. Yeah. So it's nice to know that they're out there, the Bobby fans.

Yes. But a little hurtful. Sure. Sure. Wow. But it was also funny. I was like, he's going to hate to hear this. Hopefully he doesn't listen to the pod.

Nah, he doesn't. But some asshole will tweet him. Yeah. So I put a button on that joke. Yeah. So it was a quadruple zinger, but I took the button off to just add my own two cents of buttons. But yeah.

Some people collect buttons, I believe. It's funny because he's a fat guy, but he's not the fat comic. You know, like Panette, Louis Anderson, Ralphie Maeve, and we're like, I'm the fat guy. Yeah. And Bobby's a large man, but he's not going down the fat route. He has some fat jokes, but he's not. That's not his whole world. And he's working.

He's getting better. Oh, is he? He's strong. Oh, yeah. He's slimming up. You got a giant Bobby over your head here. We're in the studio. There's a giant painting.

It's fun. And we all love Bobby. This is like worlds colliding here because this is my, you know, my side podcast here. Yes. You know what dude, of course. Not sigh. I mean, it's his show. You know what I mean.

So it's like I'm double dipping. But yeah. When we started Tuesdays, I remember half our fans were people going, I know the truth from Bobby's pod. Yep. And now we're here. Bobby, but yeah. Anyways, a bunch of guys zinged you.

All right. That's, that's, let's get it. Enough of that nonsense. Yes. I gotta tell you, I've had a crazy day right now. I am barefoot. Yeah. Barefoot.

That's a song. No, I never heard it. Oh, it's a classic from the 70s. I don't think I know it. Is it barefoot? I don't think so. Pussyfoot. I don't know.

Bigfoot. Pussyfarts. Pussyfoot. Yeah. Go check out the queues. Anyway, so I had a crazy day. I don't even know where to start. And rain is the theme of my day and night.

Yes. You're Rain Man. So I was in 400 Oak Street, Cincinnati, Ohio. I was up in Providence, Rhode Island. Great city, of course. Yes, yes. Subject of season one of the Crime Town podcast. I love that pod.

Great pod. I didn't know you knew about CMC. Oh, I know about. I know about everything. How about that? Don't get me wrong. I mean, don't get me gay or whatever. The best part of that pod of the old New England ladies,

they were like, I love CMC. Oh, yeah, yeah. The accent. And they're going to make it a movie now. The podcast is all they need. Then they got Buddy. It'll be Buddy the movie. They'll get a guy to play.

They should get Tom Hardy. That guy can play anybody. Oh, I love the hard. I would eat his asshole with a, you know, some soup. Ladle. Ladle. Fun word. So anyways, we did Providence.

We had to drive back today because a couple things. Sarah had a soccer game. She's playing soccer, you know. And I was opening for Michelle Wolf. Woo. Hot, hot ticket. The Wolf of Wall Street at Ozzy Fest. Have you heard of this Ozzy Fest?

Osborn? Not to be confused with Oz Fest. Yes. And Ozzy Osborn, as I understand it, is now suing Ozzy Fest. Oh God. Which is funny because it's the third year they're doing Ozzy Fest. It took them three years to come around to the fact that they were doing Ozzy Fest. Well, he's a little out of it.

It makes sense because everyone thinks it's, I can tell people I'm like, I'm opening for Michelle Wolf at Ozzy Fest. They're like, what the hell's Michelle Wolf doing at Ozzy Fest? Right, right. And I'm like, no, this is like the liberal Ted, they call it the Ted Talk meets Coachella. Oh, wow. Like Hillary Clinton was there and Hassan Madanage, a few comics. Yeah, I don't know if she did a set, but.

Just a little too political for me. Leather pants and pacing. But anyways, so Michelle said, hey, do you want to open? And I said, sure. She said, I'll give you a silly amount of money, which was really nice. Yeah. So I threw on the Ted Baker here, but I wanted to get back in time. So we left Providence last night at midnight after four great shows over the weekend.

Really? Ton of Tuesdays. Oh, I love it. Ton of Tuesdays. One guy came to three out of four shows. Oh, what a nut. We're like Pearl Jam. I'm trying to improvise and just make shit up for the guy.

Yeah, you see, you feel guilty. Oh, I'm doing my Uber bit again. He's seen it eight times. Yeah. I don't do an Uber bit. I was just throwing a subject out. No, I know. I thought something might come from it.

All right. Sorry. Yeah, lift. Well, I got an Uber bit. I guess so. I guess I was projecting. Well, I got people using projecting too much. Don't you think?

Yeah. I guess it's coming around. It's like brand. He's on brand. Yes. That's in ether now. Yeah. That's a thing.

And a couple other things I can't think of. What's the other one? Narrative is big. Narrative. That came out of nowhere. And that's the whole narrative. What does it mean to tow the party line? Oh, towing the party line?

What does that mean? I think that just means like you just stick with whatever your team is saying. Oh. He's towing the party line. Oh, all right. I was thinking party line, like calling a hot skank on the 1-800. Like I think like, for instance, like a lot of these conservatives, they have to be, pretend they're into God.

Ah. Like Trump is like, oh, yeah, God, but he's not a Christian. I mean, which is fine. Yeah. He's towing the party line because they got a lot of Christian voters. I think I might be incorrect. All right. That's not bad.

So there's things like that. You know, like, I got to, you know, fucking go unions. He's towing the party line, blah, blah, blah. Gotcha. So anyways, we drove back and it was one of those ones. You drive through the night. You feel like it's going to be a good idea. Like this way we'll wake up in our own bed.

It's a whole thing. Three hours? Three hours. And by the time you're done saying goodbye and meeting and greeting and then you get paid, you have to do the whole like, oh, I hope to come back. Thank you very much. Boop, boop, boop. All of a sudden it's after midnight and I'm a little sleepy anyway.

So we woke up early to go see my family. It was a whole thing. Yep. So we're driving and then the, the, the skies just open up. You got jizzed on. Well, which I think is not a great saying because really they close up. The cloud. The cloud closes the sky.

The cloud, the sky closed up if you ask me. And then it just is torrential rain. I'm on no sleep. It's 2 30 in the morning and the worst part of the trip up in Connecticut. You're fine. Cause it's like nine people on the road. You're just cruising. But then you start getting down to Yonkers and the Bronx.

And now you got these young hotshot youngsters driving in and out, whipping in and out of you. And there's like six inches of water. So you're skidding. It's just, I hate the skin. I'm doing that in the water. The lights, they're flashing the lights that right behind you. They're right on your tail and the road is winding.

Now there's fucking like grooved highway. You're six inches of water. It's not grooving. You're the New York grooves. And then, you know, Sarah is the best. She's keeping me company. But occasionally you have to be like this. I'm out now.

I can't. There's no conversation anymore. I'm fucking, I got like, I'm gripping the wheel. My eyes are busting out like Bugs Bunny. Radio's off. And it's pouring. I mean, it is torrential. And I'm like, I just got to get out of it.

And then when you go through the Bronx, the cross county there, right by Hunts Point, which is like legendary projects. And now I'm afraid the car is going to break down. It's going to be judgment night. You know, I don't want to sound race. Blah, blah, blah. But you know what? The fucking tire to fly off.

And now we're in front of a white castle in the South Bronx. Oh yeah. More of a black castle. Yeah. Well, that's either here or there. Oh boy. So then we finally get to high level. We get to Queens.

And Queens is like a, what do you call that? Shangri-La. Shangri-La. Yeah. Almost a mirage. But it's real. You get in there and you're like, oh thank God. Because it's, you know, you're just happy to be home.

Most diverse borough in the country. The whole thing. Very diverse. And I live there, folks. And but it was just a real relief. But it was, I was white-knuckling it the whole way. Got lucky with the parking spot. Felt good.

Then the rain dissipated. Today was nice. I get up. I got the Michelle Wolf gig. Now what do you get at? You get home at what? Three? About three, three thirty.

Three thirty in the morning. And then today I had to get up and return the car. That's the whole thing. I hate the return. Got to return those rental cars. So then I go to the park and folks, it's about 125 degrees today. Humidity. I wore a nice shirt.

I wore a Ted Baker. Yeah. And we've discussed this before. These shirts, they're made so well. They don't breathe. Yeah. It's like we're in a plastic bag. No, Brett.

And I'm hot now in this thing. Right. And it's fucking a thousand degrees. I get off and walk into the park. And this is where addiction and obsessive compulsion, it gets you. Because I get up there early and I'm going to enter at 72nd and 5th Avenue. I get up at 59th. So I'm like, I'll just walk the 13 blocks.

But I want a Starbucks. I just like going to the gig with my Starbucks team. Oh, yeah. I've seen you do it. And it's 120 and the nearest Starbucks is four blocks over. So I walk all the way east. And you have this where you're early, but now you're late. Yes.

Because you went to do it there. I had an early late. You diddle. You toyed with your time. I had a diddle toy and I had to go over there. We talked about those earlier. Yeah. I went all the way over to Starbucks and I'm just walking and I'm sweating.

These shirts don't breathe. I'm fucking soaking wet. Yes. I mean wet. The airplane, the pilot with the stretching, you know? Don't call me Shirley. Yes. You can't be serious.

I'm just fucking drenched. I get the hot tea. I'm doing all this drenchedness to get a hot tea. Oh, and your anxiety is going up. Your stress is going up. And the time is going up. Exactly. And here's the thing.

At any point, I could turn around. But I can't turn around. You got the addiction. It's just like when I got herpes. She's like, she goes, time out. I got herpes. But we're already naked. I'm like, I've made the decision.

Yes. You got a Venus flytrap in your twat. I'm going in. Yeah. I'm going to shoot. It's going to eat it. Yeah. I just, I need to have it.

So I just keep going and going. Feed me, Seymour. I get all the way there. They don't have the Jade Citrus. No! No Jade Citrus. Feed me, Seymour. So I said, what are you going to do?

And I finally, I got the Emperor's Cloud Mist, which is some dog shit. They're trying to push on the people. Emperor's Cloud. Get out of here with the Cloud Mist. Yes. You don't drink a cloud. I'm sorry. All my nude photos are in the cloud.

It stinks. Yes. So anyways, I get that, but I'm still slaving over a hot beverage. Now I'm practically late. I get over there and I got to walk through the park and all these security guys. I know they're there to protect us. The worst. They're the worst.

They're the worst. Well, there's what it is. They're these G.D. cum stains who never made a ripple on this earth. No ripple. And they, you know, they got nothing going on. This is the one time they have power and they're going to use it. Yes. And it's brutal.

We have the worst dumbest people in charge of gatekeeping. Yes. It's kind of ironic. They could never get it anywhere else. So now that they're in charge, they're not letting you in. Yeah. They're very unpleasant. And I'm like, I'm an artist.

I'm like, I'm just, and I wasn't trying to get it. I wasn't trying to sneak in. I said, I just talked to a guy. He's going to call someone down. He's like, they got to come down. Oh, yeah. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I just wasn't sure if you were the guy. And he's like, I'm security.

And I was like, no, I know, but I figured security is who's, it was a whole thing. Yeah. Finally, the lady comes. She couldn't have been nicer, by the way, this Aussie fest. These, these wonky people are very friendly as long as you're towing the party line. Aha. You know, they're very sweet. So she lets me come in and I go back and there's a band called, let me think of it,

Love Group Love. You ever hear of these folks? Orgy talk. Yes. I've been off experience group love, but I've never seen the band. No, never heard of them. I got to tell you, they rock. Really?

They got a female lead and she's wearing like a leotard with like, what do you call it? Like lacy pantyhose over it. But like a lead, like you can see the crotch like that, almost like Cher in that video on the battleship. Yes. Yes. Oh boy. Do you believe in love after love?

Do you believe? It wasn't that one. It was. If I could turn back time. Maybe the most, uh, song, song stuck in your head of all time. Really? For me, yeah. I just walk around in gay bars.

Let's take a minute. I'd give them all. Never liked Cher. I didn't care for her as an actor or the music. I didn't find her sexy. Really? The young 70s share? No.

No, I like sunny better. Oh, wow. Well, he's dead. Yeah. Well, I killed him because I didn't want to even know I blew him. You like sunny. You hate a cloud. That's true.

Guys opened up. Yeah. Close. So anyways, we're getting into the band is rocking and it's so cool to do these music fest because I got a backstage pass now. I'm standing side stage. Yes. Watching the concert.

Pretty fucking cool. And they covered sabotage by the beastie boys. I got a video. They'll put the video on the Patriot. Put it up. It's only 30 seconds long. Everybody wants a video. It was great.

I mean, they kicked ass. But I'm sitting there and they're like, OK, you're on next, sir. And it was like fucking Annie Hall when he's like, she's got to try to follow the other comedian. Oh, yeah. They're just ripping sabotage and it's hot. Everyone's sweating. There's like a mosh pit type of deal.

They're like, you're up next. And I couldn't find Michelle because she's off in her trail. She's got a trail. She's Ellen. She's Elvis. Yeah. She's fucking fingering her. It's a whole thing.

They're shampooing her hair. I'm out of it by the tag. I got an umbrella guy. It's a whole thing. Is it raining? It's not raining yet. Oh, boy. But it's threatening.

OK. So then they go, all right, you're going out. And I'm like, I just got to talk to Michelle because I'm like, are there language restrictions? She's like, oh, yeah, there's kids out there. She's like, they've sworn a little bit. But she's like, I wouldn't do any sex jokes. Oh, that's your whole act. And I'm like, let me just talk to Michelle because Michelle's the boss.

That's right. She's the ones that's paying me out of pocket. And she hired you. Exactly. So finally, I'm just sitting around, rocking and rolling. There's all these show-busy people walking by. They're like, OK, you're on now. And it's a hell gig.

Yeah. I mean, it's outside music festival, 100 degrees, threatening rain. The crowd is standing. They're woke. Oh, wow. They're there to see Hillary. Yes. Oh, happily.

Not happily. But I voted for. Sure. But they're not the people that are on a team with this podcast. The irony is you want a Trump fan out there. It's sort of an audience member. I don't know about a Trump fan. You know, someone in between.

All right. Someone in between the two. Trump fans are good laughers, and they don't get offended and all that. Yeah, that's true. They're fine. But I don't know. Yeah. It's a toughie.

Yeah. It's a toughie. But you want someone in the middle somewhere. But these are the people that they're nice or whatever. But if they heard our podcast, I mean, they would throw bricks through our windows. No doubt about it. So anyways, I go out there, and it's one of those ones. It's just going to be a grenade jump.

And Michelle and I are laughing. That's what's great about comedy. Yes. We're laughing going, this is going to suck a bag of dicks. She knows you're funny though. So it's all good. You get your paycheck. You do 10 minutes.

You're golden. Yeah. Well, she's just like, I thought you'd be the best person. She's like, I know you can handle this because I'm like, yeah, yeah. This is no. This is going to suck. I'm doing 10. 10.

So I go out there. They have the timer. It's counting down from 10. You think you're 12 minutes in, you look down, and it's like, you're at 920 left. Yeah. You got 600 seconds. And they're just standing. Is that 10 minutes?

That makes sense. Yeah. Does that make sense? 60 times 10. Yeah. Oh, 600. So when you put it like that, it sounds easy. It does.

But boy, there were slow seconds. Yeah. And sloppy seconds. Uh-huh. And I was just taking it right on the chain. It's a sea of people. I mean, there's 1,000 people out there. Oh, yeah.

And they just stand there in rain gear, and they're all going, whoa. Oh. Every joke, you're like, whoa. And they're going, OK. Like, it's just brutal. And I mean, I'm sweating like a motherfucker. I go, all right, thank you. Michelle Wolf, she comes out.

They go crazy for her. Yeah. But then she's struggling, too. It's a tough situation. Outdoors is outdoors. You got that right. And they're standing. And then all of a sudden, here comes the wind.

Oh, earth, wind and fire. And the wind just blows over the background. They put like a big background, these carbon. It blows over. Run DMC, Aerosmith video. Yes. That thing blows over. It breaks open.

She's like, this is crazy. Everyone's screaming. And then it starts pouring rain right in the middle of an abortion joke. She's talking about abortion. She's like, boy, God, hates abortion. And that gets a laugh. That's funny. She's like a witch.

It's pouring rain. She comes off stage. Work covered. They got the umbrella over her. She's like, Dylan. They walk us back to the trailer. And then she's like, well, give you a ride to the end of the park. Because I got to go up to this other gig.

And we leave. I mean, it is buckets. Wow. It's like jumping a pool wet. I'm soaking wet head to toe. And this was six hours ago. I haven't been home. I haven't dried off.

I'm just wearing wet clothes. And now I'm barefoot because I got no dry sock. Sure. You're a wet sock. I got barefoot after a wet sock. There you go. I don't know if that was anything. I might have just wasted too much time.

I hate myself. I could see the whole thing in my head. I know the gigs like that. It's brutal. But I got to talk about this. It drives me crazy. This is the most frustrating thing in the comedy business for me. Are these crowds that stare at you blankly.

And you can tell they're thinking, who is this idiot? Whoever told him he was funny? How is this any good? And I want to go, fuck your asshole, dickless. I'm killing. I can kill. I've been on television. I can do this.

I've been doing it for years over a decade. Blow me. I'm funnier than you. Eat my jizz. You Nazi bitch. Well, here's what it feels like it would be better to open if you just dropped a video screen and played on my Netflix special. Yeah, maybe.

Because then they're like, oh, he's been on Netflix. Because they don't believe it. They're not even listening to the intro. Yeah. And I can hear the intro is like, it's like a pre-recorded. He's been on Letterman and Tuesday's a little story. And I'm like, don't even plug Tuesday. I mean, these people listen.

Yeah, they don't know. If they enjoyed it and they're like, let's go listen to this. Right. They'd get 30 seconds in and their fucking head would catch fire. Yeah. Yeah. It just drives me crazy. But who cares?

You see my Netflix. You don't see my Netflix. Like, I'm still being funny right here in front of you. In the microphone. Ah, just these jokes work. It's frustrating because if you're a basketball player and you shoot a basket and it goes in, the hoop, it counts. Right.

But if you tell a joke that is equivalent to a ball going in a hoop and they don't count it. But it matters so much. The setting matters. The vibe is, it's almost like sex. The vibe matters. Yeah, because here's the thing. If you were, you know, if it's a thousand degrees and you've been standing all day and

it's pouring rain and a guy goes up and does a 360 dunk, you're like, OK, that is great. I'm sure he's great. That's great. I'm on my feet hurt. It's fucking hot. The sound sucks. So they just don't, they're very skeptical of these crowds. Yeah, they're skepties.

And so they were a little skeptical. And some of them were nice. Some of them, there was some last, but like for the most part, it's just staring going, what is this? Yeah, yeah, it drives me nuts. And I get it. I've been to plenty of places where you're watching going, ah, is this guy good? I can't even know.

I can't even know if he's comedy, but some sort of arts. But you ever have that thing where I see this a lot, like I'll be doing a theater and I'll look down and I can only see the front two rows, maybe, and the back of it's just darkness. And you're killing, but you look down the furrow and no one's laughing. Yeah. And you're like, well, who the hell is laughing if you're not? I feel that way all the time. Yeah, you hear like, ah, you're like, man, I'm killing.

And then you look down and you see just a guy looking at his phone and another guy scratching his own fulcrum. Well, comedy seems to be the most delicate art form. Oh, it's flimsy, baby. It barely works. Because if they're lit, they're just not laughing. They have to be in the dark. There's no anonymity.

Yes. It's very tricky. It's like we talk about, it's the only art form that can be completely ruined if someone drops a drink. Right. Like if there's a painting and you're like, look at a painting and someone smashes a glass over there, you're like, oh, that was crazy. Anyways, yeah, look at the colors.

Right. Or a band. If you're in the middle of a joke, a glass breaks. That's the end of the joke. Well, you know what it is. It's like a laugh is a lot like an orgasm in that you can be going down on a lady and everything's going great. But she's thinking about her mom dying.

Yes. And so even if you're doing all the right clit, lick it and butt pop it and finger angle, she's still thinking about old granny who died on the farm. Yep. So. It's sorry. That's a good point about sex. Because I feel that way with women.

I feel bad. It's just happened my whole life where I'm like, it's not you. I've had a boner all day. I'll show you my boner. When we started, I started thinking about, I have to submit a tape to fucking live at Gotham. Right. Right.

Yeah. So. You ever have this problem? What's that? With sex? Sometimes everything too much lines up. I'm having sex and like, you know, my wife, she's got makeup on her makeup looks great. And like she's got, you know, we're in a good setting and there's she just shaved her legs

and everything's so hot. I don't know where to look. I'm like, oh, that calf looks nice. The tit looks good. The face is great. I'm overwhelmed. It's a buffet. It's too much of a buffet.

I don't know what to order. I don't know what to take out. I've never had that. I take it all in. I go, all right, look at that for a second. Look at the tits for a second. I look at the, I can get off on a clavicle. I like a thigh.

I know. That's what I'm saying. I'm scrambling. I don't mind. I just enjoy it. I don't know. I'm going clav, clit, clav, clit, Adams out. I can't fuck.

I lost. I blew it. It's like if a buffet, I'm like, do I want chicken pie or do I want hot dogs? Eat em both. I can't eat em both. I just eat the pussy and I go home. All right. Well, you picked the right one.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, hot dogs are pretty good if you boil them right. Yeah, but who knows what's in them. We know what's in the pussy. Me. I don't know what was in there. That's true. Or who?

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Yeah, I love Weird Al. Childhood favorite. He's still kicking, still writing great stuff. If you love music and you love comedy, you love Weird Al. Yankovic. And if you've seen Weird Al play live, you know he puts on a hell of a show. Al just wrapped up his ridiculously self-indulgent, ill-advised vanity tour. That's a mouthful.

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Guide code. Weero. Yes. All right. I love Weird Al and streaming with some good Wi-Fi on Iero. All right. You talk for a while because I want to kill myself with that rain story. What am I doing?

I'm talking about the rain. Who gives a shit? You're soaking wet. All right. Fuck a kid. Suck your dick. Blow me. Spray Laysol in your asshole.

Yes. Laysol. Laysick. Laysol. Laysol could be a spray for after you get done doing some dirty fucking. Laysol. You got Lade. Laysol.

Oh, Ladesol. Sounds like you fucked an Italian. Ladesol. Orju. Better call Saul. Yeah. All right. So you were talking about good.

You're talking about a bad show. Let me talk about a good show. Please. I love a good show. Seinfeld, Kirby Enthusiasm, Sports Center. Yes. Family Feud. So on last Monday as we all last time we talked I was sitting in my apartment with my old

pal Ted Baker face here and we were talking about Jimmy Fallon. Oh, Nelly. I had my suit hung up, ready to go, bought a new suit, had my stolen TJ Maxx shirt that I stole that day and I hightailed it over to 30 Rock. Yes, sir. 3PM had a nice car, picked me up and I'm all Zen, baby. I'm showered. I'm Zen.

I've run the set. You left. I got a belly full of Chipotle. I'm just, I'm in the zone. So we go to, we go to the 30 Rock. We get in, they walk in. I love you. Get in there and they write this way, Mr. Norman.

There's a lady out there with a blazer on and a little clipboard and she takes you in the elevator. Elevators got the peacocks on the floor. I love the peacocks on the floor. That's when you know you're in. Show biz. 30 Rock. What was I going to say?

What did you want? NBC. Is that what you, the answer you're looking for? Yeah. Oh, all right. It was, it was stretch. All right. I got nervous.

No, no. Mark Deco and old. It's beautiful. 50th Street and 6th Avenue, baby. And you go up and then they go, oh, right this way and you see all these green rooms. There's the roots. They got a big ass green room, weed smoke coming out of the bottom of the door. Very exciting.

Jamie Foxx. Some other guy. And then me. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So I go in there. I started eating all the snacks. They give you some, you know, craft service and hors d'oeuvres and shit, chocolate bars

and fruit and veggies. I'm going to town on that. People start showing up. My agent, my friend Matt, my friend Jason, Louisa Diaz popped in. We had a good crew. We're all in the green room, shucking and jiving, having a good time, talking shit. Fallon comes in. He does his, hey, just saying, good to have you back, buddy.

All right. You know, pretending he knows who I am. Right. And one of my friends boldly said, hey, can I get a photo of you too? And he was like, sure. So I got a great Fallon photo. I'll post all that shit. Wow.

I'm in the suit. You know, I got the loose tie. Feeling good. They go, all right. We're going to go show you your mark. I go, that's me. They didn't get it. We go out there.

There's a peacock on the floor, empty audience, and it's so good to go out there and see that mark on the floor. It's just like, OK, I'll be telling jokes in this direction. These people will be looking at me. It's just something about it. It clears my mind a little. Like, you know where you're going to be telling jokes. Yeah.

I always tell everybody, that's always my advice, is stay out there as long as you can. Yes. That's what I do. Right, right. Because you just get used to the lay of the land, and then also it makes everything feel so small. Yes.

You're like, oh, this is the show. This is nothing. In your mind, the fact, like in your dreams, you do Fallon or late night, whatever it is, the audience is from like there, all the way over there, and there's a balcony and another balcony. Yes. You're at the Astrodome. Right.

It's a warehouse. Here you go there. You're like, oh, there's fucking 200 people here. Yeah. The small little thing. You stand here until you're left to the roots, and they're literally four feet away from you on like a little box. Yeah.

They're right there. You can smell them. Yeah. Behind you is Fallon to your back right. He's right there. You can hear him chuckling. I mean, it's amazing how small it is. It's like a poster stamp.

The cameras are in front of you. The audience is right there. It's great. So go back to the room, shuck and jive, and have a good time. Jamie Foxx strolls in with Katie Holmes. Really? They're dating now. What?

You didn't know that? No, I had no idea. Yeah, they're a hot item. For Cruz and Foxx. Well. The whole cast of fucking that movie. Collateral. Yeah.

Well, I think he's gay, so she's like, I got to go the opposite. I got to like wash that off. Foxx is gay. Is he? Is that what you're saying? I'm saying Cruz. Oh, Cruz is gay. He's cruising.

He's cruising. Yeah. Wow, that would be a fun name. So she walks in and she is dressed, I mean, she's got like high heels on that are 10 feet tall. She's got like a basically a tube top and these tiny, like a tiny skirt, basically wearing like a bikini. Wow.

She's all skinned. She's gone full black. She's like, I'm dating a black guy now. I'm going to like hoochie it up. Interesting. Yeah. And it was crazy. She's walking down the hall and you're like, God, she's taller than Foxx.

And you're like, holy hell. So that was exciting. The roots come out. They're all nice. They shake your hand. Tons of wheat smoke. And so then the fown goes out there and he has a rehearsal crowd. What's that mean?

He has a whole crowd come in just so he can try monologue jokes. Oh, I think I've heard that. Because you don't want to try brand new jokes on a brand new crowd, I guess, because they could bomb on fucking television. Like roast battle. Exactly. Which we're doing. Yeah.

So you hear him killing out there. It's just kind of fun. Like you hear laughter. It makes you feel better. Just a show. We're all doing a show. They know what this is. They're excited to be here.

These people fly in for this show. Right. So he's in a t-shirt and jeans. He's just shucking and jite. He's so likable and the whole thing. So fucking Jamie Foxx goes out there. Some other girl, Deutch. Deutch.

There he is. Something Deutch. Oh, yeah. You told me about this. It's not Zoe Deschanel. It's Zoe Deutch. Yeah. So she goes out and the whole show is like an hour and five minutes, but it feels so

long because you're just in that green room freaking out. Really? See, I have the opposite feel. Oh, really? I think it feels short. Oh, I'm just in there because I got there at 3.30 and it's 5.30. It feels like I've been there because your senses are all heightened. So it's like when you're on mushrooms, everything feels longer because you're taking in so much

information. You're taking it. Oh, my friend moved his foot. All right. So you're on Spidey Sense the whole time. See, I feel like it feels long, the whole process of being there and all that, but once the show starts, I always feel like I'm like, all right, I got 50 minutes and then all of a sudden they're like, OK, we got to get you ready.

You got to go here. You got to go here. I'm like, wait, wait. I'm going out now? Yeah. They started eight minutes ago. They're like, no, it's been an hour. That's true, too, because also you're nervous.

So you kind of want it to take longer. Right, right. You need more time back there. Like, I'm not ready. Yeah, exactly. You have that moment. I said it before. I think I can do this.

Yes, yes. I can't do this. You have to fight that the whole time going, shut up. I got it. I got it. So now, you know, the show is going and going. So they go, hey, you're up for hair and makeup. So you go, all right.

And I go in there and you know me, I'm a piece of garbage. So I go, I want a full haircut, like cut my hair. I saved it. I got a shaggy head of jizz because I wanted cut. So the lady's like, oh, fuck, I got to work now. So she puts the fucking thing on me, the smock, and she starts cutting my hair. I got a full do. Wow.

And then they do the makeup. Did you have that big thing that comes down over your head? You read the paper? No. I wish with the rollers. Yeah. Yeah. I'm reading the paper talking gossip.

So we're making the hair ladies laugh. We're having a good time. I try to be as funny as I can because like, it reminds me like, oh, I can be funny. Yes. I'll have a good set. So yeah, I'm getting some good yuck them ups out of the hair cunts. And then I go back and they go, all right, you ready? And I go, wait, what can I say?

And so we go back to the, and I saw the Jim Henson wall. You saw the Henson. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So you go through. One of the coolest things ever. Go through the back way. You go in this dark room and you're basically backstage as a curtain in front of you and

it's darkest shit and there's one mirror with a light around the mirror and you can just see your face. Yeah. You are about to be on television. This is it. You suck. Your parents don't care. But you got to kill it, baby.

Show biz. All these, all the bikes, all the bombing, all the flights, all the road work, all the heckles. Leading up to this. Yeah. Bring it, baby. And then you just hear, this next guy, you can hear Jimmy kind of faintly talking. Yes.

And he's like, his family's here, his parents are watching. He's gay. He sucks. My mom's a bitch. So, and I just had one last, like, you're going to fail. You suck. And I went, fuck you. Blow me, bitch.

I'll just write you a taco. And I went out there and just did it and it was like the Seinfeld thing where I got off stage and I was like, what just happened? Right. Did I do something? And yeah. Oh, you did something, baby. It went well and it felt good and I got off and, you know, everybody's going nuts in

the green room. All the friends are like, holy shit. That was crazy. And then after the show, Jimmy came in. We talked for like 20 minutes. Wow. He had so much. We were just going off and story.

I got like three good lines in. And yeah, we were just telling stories, comedy stories, and he had some great stuff. He's like, there's a, you're into the comedy magic club. I was like, no, I've never been. He's like, you got to go as a whole wall of signatures and there's one signature in the middle of the wall that's gone because I was like, why? He's like, David Letterman's is gone. What?

I was like, why? He's like, because for some reason, everybody, we used to rub Letterman's signature for good luck and it rubbed it off. What? Years of rubbing. Wow. Yeah. So we had all these great stories and I said, Roseanne hated Letterman and she like

scratched his off and I was like, yeah, I think she was on ambient and he's like, oh, yeah. It's just shitty, easy jokes, just having a great time and he's hanging out and you can, like I've done this show twice now and he didn't hang out on the first one. I'll tell you that. Yeah. So I think he really liked the set and I got a zillion tweets and then my agent, she takes you out to dinner after she goes, where do you want to go?

I said, wouldn't it be funny if we went to Olive Garden? She said, we're going to Olive Garden. Oh, fun. We went to Olive Garden Times Square, had the unlimited breadsticks, the salad. We went to town. I got the lobster ravioli and a couple of scotches and that was it. Wow. What a night.

Well, I was at home. Thanks for watching. On TV, which is so exciting to watch, because the Internet, they cut the intro and the commercials and it's fun to watch. And it's funny because we're watching the commercials and I was like, right now is always the worst part. We'll be taping. Yes.

That's the part where you're looking at the mirror. That thing where they're like, all right. They finished the last segment and we'll be right back with Mark Norman. And that part, that takes forever to me. Yeah. That's a day and a half. Oh, yeah. But they're like, that was Jamie Fawke.

That was Superdouche, whatever the fucking name is. And here we come. I always get, they have no pressure. No. They get nervous, but they go out there and they go, yeah, well, I got on the wrong bus, Jimmy. Right. And he's like, that must have been crazy.

And then they leave. Yes. Here's my movie. We got to go and say our thoughts and our jokes and if you're bomb, you're bomb. You're bomb. And there's no one to talk to. There's no one to bounce off of. And also, how about when you're behind the curtain and there's the big union guy, the

big muscly meathead. He's like, all right, I'm going to pull this curtain and you're like, what are you up to? What do you like to do? You're trying to get a conversation going and he's like, I just work here. I pull a curtain. Shut up, you fag. Yeah, we've said it before.

Like, we're the only person in the building who's nervous. Yes. The crowd is like, this is amazing. Everyone else works. They got a union job. They're there every day. They're just going, I can't wait to get home. But the trade, the payoff is, as Leno said, we're the only thing on that channel for

five minutes. There's no roots. There's no Fallon. It's just you on the stage. Jamie Foxx and sit on the couch and go, so, I heard you like, huh? Honey bees, you know, and then Jimmy's got to go, I love honey bees, you know, but we got to just do it ourselves and but we own it. Yeah.

It's all us, baby. We're on the throne. Oh, you owned it, buddy. I mean, it was killer when we were sitting there and then we started to get the little butterflies of like, yeah, here we go. This is the big moment. Right. And it was a killer killer set.

I mean, fucking monstrous laughs. Yeah. Thank you. Those crowd. Those are the best crowds in late night. I mean, it's not even close to me. They are like, they get it. They know it.

They fucking, they give it up. They really give it up. I mean, it was a killer set of all kinds of applause breaks. Thanks. And it's fun. I've watched about last one at the cellar I watched, this one at home, and it's nice to be there to watch them live. It's not.

And I feel like guys like us, we put our fucking heart and soul. I ran that thing a million times. I tweaked it. I spun it. I jizzed on it. Like they cut three jokes. I had to fill in other jokes and then put an ending in. The closer was cut, so I had to find a new closer and it all worked, but I feel like some

of these late night sets you see, they're like, I'm like, how did you, where's the, where's the work? Where's the effort? It felt like you didn't even want it. It felt like somebody just threw you out there and they were like, yeah, just do five. Yeah. There's some weird ones. And there's, it's, yeah, yeah.

I don't want to get in the habit of talking about, but yeah, there's some that are not as good as that. Some are really good and some are not so good. And I'm not saying we're better. I'm just saying, I feel like we work. We put the time in. We put the blood sweat and anal. Yeah.

I'm saying you're better. No, no. But yeah. So it felt good. It's all in the tweets. It was all very nice and everybody was super complimentary. And if you look on YouTube, sweet baby Jesus. It's all these Tuesdays going, love the pod, Chipotle, praise Allah.

This was lunch, anal jizz, queef in my mouth, juice. It's great. They, they, they did it. They went in there. They, they punched it up and, and all the light, you know, they got their thumbs up, thumbs down. Mm hmm. It's like 2000 to 20.

Yes. It was a great feeling. And well, one of them was me. I just thought it'd be fun. Yeah. I clicked wrong. Yeah. Well, it's good to have one.

You got to keep it honest. But no, it was amazing. And it was fucking killer. I tweeted, the tweet went great. I tweeted, hey, check this out. And everyone was like, oh my God. It was, I was getting it all day. So it was, it was really big.

And we appreciate the two's gay army. It's like a big gay army out there. And then it's funny because you go, all right, well, this is a hot set. People are tweeting. It's going crazy. I'm going to sit back and just collect my check and wait till they put me on TV and then nothing. But it's still, it feels good.

It feels good. You got to just take the feeling. Yeah. Take the good with the bad. Whatever you, whatever it is you say. Baby with the bad water. But it was really, really something. All right.

So the next day I go to the gym. Uh-huh. You know, back to real life. Back to reality. Now tell me how you feel about this there, Fetty. Okay. Because this is a, this is a real head scratcher. So I'm at the gym and I'm doing my shit.

And I like to go to the gym early because it, there's not a bunch of riff-raff, dickless Jews in there just stinking up the joint. Yeah. Because I go to the rec center. So these people come in, they're not the highest quality of human being. Yeah. You know, it's a lot of like weird old guys and like the guy was like an ex-con and there's a guy who's blind with the cane.

He's hitting all the weights. You know, like, hey, I'm working here. So there's three benches. Everybody wants a bench. You know, you can lay down on it, do the pull-ups. You can do whatever the hell you want. Stretch out three benches. Yeah.

Okay. So I go in. Uh. And she looks like Sam Elliott. If Sam Elliott was, you know, 20 years younger and terrifying. Okay. Ripped. Sam Elliott on Roy.

Like Tombstone Sam Elliott. Yeah. But tougher. Mustache, shorter hair, but just look that kind of grizzled cowboy thing. Gun? No gun. He had guns. I see.

So he's working out. He's working out. And he's kind of just taking up an area. So like, ah, I'm just going to leave this guy alone. But he's working out in front of the dumbbell rack. So he's got all the dumbbells right there. And I got to get to those 65s. Yes.

Now he's just hanging over there. So eventually he goes and takes a whiz. So I go, all right, well, this guy's, you know, he's left the room. I'm going to go grab these 65s, which are on the rack. And I start doing my butterflies. And he comes back and he goes, he looks at the weights and he sees the number and he goes, what are you doing? And I'm laying down.

I'm on my back like, huh? And he's like, what are you doing? I was using those. Oh. And I was like, what? They were on the rack. And he goes, yeah, yeah. I'm still using them.

I go, well, how would I know that you were using these? You could tell he was like, I leave the room for one minute. You take my fucking weights? Yeah. And I was like, they were on the rack, Fatty. What are you crazy? And this is a giant guy. So I'm trying to keep it, you know, copacetic.

And he's like, hey, yeah, I was using that. I was like, look, they were on the rack. What do you want? And I go, let me just do, I'll just do one rep. But I'm done. And he rolls his eyes like, ah, Jesus Christ. And now I'm fuming because I'm like, I'm a piece of shit. I've done horrible things my whole life.

I've pissed on people's faces. But when something doesn't make sense, I don't get it. And I can't let it go. I can't compute it. Right. And this guy could kick my ass three ways to Muhammad Ali. But I, you know, I go, ah, fuck it. So I go, all right, well, and I point to the end of the rack and there's a three-pounder.

And I go, you're using this, buddy? Uh-huh. And he looks at me and he's like, like this is fighting words. Oh, boy. Because I was trying to be somewhat humorous, but also kind of a dig. Yes. And I was like, ah, I just want to make sure you're not using this one. And I pointed to the three and he goes, what's your fucking problem?

Oh, boy. And I go, oh, fuck, I really overdid it here. Because I was just sitting there sitting on the bench stewing going like, how could he have all these weights? And there's other people here, you know, I don't know which ones you're using. It's a full, there's 50 weights on the rack. So it's like the Seinfeld thing when he's like, I was here first. And like, if you were here first, then you'd be on the phone.

Ah. If you were using them, they wouldn't be in my hands. Yes, exactly. I have them. Yes. And I'm not a weight stealer. No. He's being a dumbbell.

So I go, he's like, what, you got a problem? And I go, I just want to make sure that I know what's, who's doing what. And this guy walks through us because he's just trying to work out. He's got headphones on. You don't even know what's going on. Right. And he just grabs some weights off the rack while we're talking. And the Sam Elliott guy goes, oh, and like throws his hands in the air.

It's like a kid with a basketball like, ah, this is my playground. So you got an unstable cowboy on your hands. I guess so. He's a UC. B. USB. Oh, shit. Unstable.

But USB is something too. Well, you know, it'd be you. UC. Unstable cowboy. Unstable is one word. Oh, one word. Oh, unstable. I see.

But cowboy is one word also. Yeah. So he's a UC. Yeah. Just a UC. But you can do all the syllables. He's a USCB. USCB, which is a good port on the laptop.

Good team, the faculty of Southern California boners. There you go. So good team, by the way. Nobody wants to tackle them. Yeah. The Trojans go on the boners. Yes. That was good.

We got somewhere there. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm trying to think of something with pig skin. All right. My mother is something with pig skin. She's got to moisturize. I shouldn't have said mother.

I should have said, you know, to whatever. My mother's got great skin. Great skin. Pig skin might be good. I don't even know. That's true. I eat pig skin. Do you?

Well, you know, eat the ham. Bacon's up the skin. That's inside of it. Eat the chicken skin. But there's feathers around there. I love the chicken skin. Love the skin. That's the best.

It's all wet and wacky. It's like a pussy. Yes. Pussy skin. Love those. Is that skin on there? What is that? I guess it's a fluffy, nice.

It's so soft. If you scraped it, what would happen? It would bleed. It could be menstruation. I don't know what blood is what. I love pussies. Yeah. What I was thinking, the pussy is a weird looking organ.

Of course. It's odd looking. It's wet. It's got a gash in it. It's got flaps. Floppy. Yeah. Floppy.

And the dick gets a lot of hate. You whip out a dick on the train. You're going to jail. The woman's going to therapy. But women are always like, oh, men body shame. But you make fun of our dicks quite a bit and we praise the pussy. We could easily trash that thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Just saying. I agree. All right. I'll beat it up. But you know. So yeah. So eventually the guy just snapped and went into the other room and like had a hissy fit.

Oh boy. Yeah. So I just we all started using the weights and the guy who walked the black guy who was like a friend of mine. I was like, can you believe that shit? He's like, oh, that guy's crazy. And I was like, all right. But it sucks dealing with a guy who's huge because you can't get real.

Of course. It's scary. You can't reason with them because they'll just pick you up and smash you through the back. Exactly. And then they get to win. But you're like, you're still wrong. Right.

You're like, you know, you handicap now. But you're like, oh, the guy was being a jerk. I just don't have that in me where, you know, I tell my therapist and he's like, yeah, the guy's nuts. And I'm like, that's not satisfying. I know. Justice. Well, I had the same thing.

I had this happen where I went to Starbucks and I ordered the Jade Citrus and with Sarah. This happened. This is a different time. They didn't have it. But they still have the little cubby hole that says Jade Citrus meant. And she was like, that's discontinued at this one. She said, we don't carry it anymore. And I'm like, I know you're not in charge, but they should really take it down.

Yes. And I was like, I can't not say that. And Sarah's like, I know, but she's not the manager. I'm like, I know that's why I prefaced it and said it in a silly manner. Yeah. I said it like I did like a quinn. I was like, well, I think they should take it down. Right.

Trying to be funny and loosen it. But I still, I can't not say it. I'm like, you got a big thing. You got a gate saying Jade Citrus meant. We don't even carry that anymore. It's like a Burger King had no burger. You're like, we're going to change your sign. Right.

I'm like, I know you're not in charge. I know you make $11 an hour. You're 17 years old. You've been pregnant twice, but just don't advertise the JCM and what what's going on with the J? It sounds like a lot of controversy. I mean, I mean, it's out. It's just continued.

It's not continued. It's in. It's out. I'm gay. It's coming out. Well, some have it. And some don't. And they said it goes by market.

And I think I honestly think the ones that I frequent, they still have it. And the ones I don't don't have it. I'm keeping it in business. You're keeping it alive. I'm Joe Citrus Mint. Yes. You're JCM. My agency.

JCM. JCM. JCM. Ju's Colorful Media. Yeah. Menstration. Yeah. Well, I got to tell you something else.

Hit me back. I think I thought I had something. Oh, mine's a completely different topic, but I don't like these people that go over the bench and then they wheel it out into another room. Wait a minute. Wheel. Oh, the bench wheel. You see those people?

They walk over to triple. I got a bench myself. No Sam Elliott, but I got a Val Kilmer. That's another story for another day. That's a daisy of a bench. Yeah. So I'm your Huckleberry. He comes over this guy and he built Paxton's that bench.

He picks it up and he just walks away to the other side of the room with the bench. They wheelbarrow that bench. Yes. They lift it and they wheelbarrow. I'm going, where you going with the bench? Right. Maybe wants to get away. Get some a little bench time.

Well, here's what they do. And this is a hot day in the other day. I got some hot numbers over at my gym. Oh, not mine. I got cocoon over there. Well, I'm not afraid to spend the money I make. So the lady, she wheels the bench over and then she takes the big giant. You know, these, the women are squatting now too.

That power lifted. Oh, yeah. So she does, I'm going to act it out for you. She does this thing where you lay on the bench with just your hips. Yes. And then she does like a hump and air hump. An air hump with like 800 pounds on it. She's humping to the Lord.

Yeah. And I'm over here doing pull ups with one eye on, on fucking Humpy Susie over here. Yeah. My hops, my hops, my hops. Yeah. It's quite a Humpty Dumpty. It's a camelback situation. Yeah.

Camel toe. They all got the camel toe. I love it. Why is a camel toe a negative? Bring it on. There's not a pair of pants at the gym that doesn't have a big old moose knuck. I love that knuck. Knucks.

Yeah. Well, anyways, so off the topic of the gym, sort of on topic. I went and rented a car to go to Providence, but Wednesday I went to the car to go to Jones Beach, which is a national treasure, Jones Beach. Yes. Great beach. And they just put a bunch of money into it. They got, they added these like cornhole things that are built into the ground.

There's all this new grass and a new food place. Is that Brooklyn? Jones Beach. No, it's Long Island. Oh, it's Long Island. That's the way they're walking around. Alec Baldwin in Seinfeld. He says this was the Eiffel Tower right here.

Right, right. He goes, what's it? There's nothing in it. It's a tower. Right. But anyways, I drove out there. I went to a concert at the Jones Beach Nokia Theater. Combo.

Great combo. I was being, these fucking nerds behind us were like, Pixies were playing, they're just ripping it. These guys are like, play a Weezer song. These like high school drunks. They're like, where's Weezer? And I'm like, shut the fuck up, you fucking idiot. I feel like George, the movie theater.

Yeah, those are Long Island losers. I'm like, you don't know shit. None of these bands would be here. Pixies were like the biggest influence on Nirvana. Shut up, you fucking losers. You don't even know what you're seeing. Just leave. Go downstairs.

You're old man Liz, your grandpa. I am. But I'm like, I don't understand. Just go down to the bar or whatever the fucks. Don't, why are you heckling the back? And they're just ignorant. They're co-headlining. Right.

The Pixies have been around for 30 fucking years. I know. It's the Pixies. It's not some fucking douche band. What's their big hit? They had one big hit. Where is my mind? Oh yeah.

That was like the big one. There is my mind. But well, mine was on fucking blowing these high school kids. Yes, I hate them. But anyway, so I drove out there and Sarah, you know, she had an obligation. So she's like, I'll be done at five. And I feel bad. But I'm like, you're going to have to meet me out there.

Because if I leave in a car at five to go to Long Island. Oh, you're fucked in the anal. That's three and a half hours. We might miss the show for God's sake. Yes. And the beach. I got to get to the beach. The beach?

I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. You got that right. So I go rent the car. I was like, meet me out there, sweet api. Good for you. I mean, usually I feel like I got to sacrifice because I got to help her out. You're an adult.

You're an independent woman. Get out there. Well, I got the tickets and they were for her. And so I said, you know, and it's not so. And she's fine with it, by the way. She's like, oh, no, that makes sense. I don't want to hold you back. She's got an audition and things.

So I go, all right, great. So I drive the car out there and I get out early. And it's weird being at the beach by yourself because you're the only one by yourself. Everyone's in a big group. They got picnic. They got pales. What the hell's a pale? I think it's a beach bucket.

It's just a bucket, right? I guess it's a bucket. Yeah. I don't know why they call it a pale. Yeah. It's a lunch pail. I think that's similar. That's a lunch box and a lunch pail.

I don't get it. Maybe pale. I don't know what beyond the pale means either. I don't know what that means either. I mean, I know what it means. I don't know what the origin is. I don't know what it, what does it mean? Beyond the pale, I think it means like, this is crazy.

We're off the rails here. This is beyond the pale. Yeah. I don't know where that came from. I don't get it. It's a Gaffigan special. That's his best, maybe. It does quite well.

But anyway, so I drive out there and I'm like, I got to be in the ocean. The ocean, it heals, as you know. Yes, it heals. It really heals. So I just go up to the thing. I put my backpack down and I'm by myself like a weirdo and I jump in the ocean. Freezing, huh? Well, here's the thing.

I've been swimming up in Maine all summer. Maine swim. And then tuck it. So those 200 miles make a difference. It's a lot warmer on Long Island than it is in Maine. And I'm from New England, so cold water. That's what I swim in. I like it.

All right. And there's nothing on this great green, blue earth that I enjoy more than a good ocean swim. And I'm in there. The ocean's coming in. The waves. The wackadoos. The whole thing.

I swim for about 40 minutes. I'm in there. Nice. Floating around. I come off. I air dry. I walk around. I call my mother.

I fuck my dad. Sarah finally comes out and meets up. It's sunset. We go in. We watch the show. Pixie's kickass. Weezer kicksass. He played Take On Me by himself.

Rivers go up. Oh. The whole crowd sang. It was a beautiful show. Good stuff. Great, great show. Oh. Fuck my ass.

I saw the Instagram pic. It was a peach. I had lunch. It was a sunset going. It was an outdoor conce. I had. I didn't perform on that one. Oh.

I just thought of it. All right. So then the next day we walked the show. We have a great time. Great bands. I mean I love Weezer. Their first album is my favorite album of all time. The blue.

Love the blue. Yes. I tried to do my second album. Are you mad at me? I tried to do. What do you call it? A tribute to that cover. And they said it was too close.

It's still kind of like that. I was trying to do. It's a whole thing. Anyways, the next day there was three shark bites at Fire Island. Two beaches down. Whoa. Yeah. So I was swimming with sharks.

How about that? But I didn't get a bite, which is good. But son of a bitch, I could have got bit by a shark. Yeah. That's my story. My story stank this week. That would have gone viral. Yeah.

My story stank. I'm driving in the rain. I almost get bit by a shark. I don't know what's what. Shark's good. I thought I had something. But I guess not. I love Shark Tank.

You're like, this is something. And then I get here. I'm like, what am I talking about? I felt the same with Fallon. I'm like, yeah, it went well. That was the story. The story is where you say the N word and Fallon tackles you. The root's in the fucking the ass.

That's the thing. Something has to go wrong. Yes. To have a story. I know. We had pretty good lives here. I mean, I'm like, ah, with the very pants I was returning. Exactly.

I feel like, yeah. When Crane was sold to Peter Mitch, which probably is the best post-Larry David episode, by the way. You think? The Van Buren boy. I mean, I was dying laughing the other day watching it. The Van Buren. All right.

We got to put a fucking Trojan on our Hogan's here. Oh, I like that. Hogan Trojan. What was the thing we came up with? Boners? Oh, yeah. Boners. USC boners.

Oh, no. Oh, it was a disgruntled, unsatisfied cowboy. I don't know. Shelby's going to have to come up with a title. We had a lot of whack-a-doo things. We got big news coming, folks. We've got big, big changes. We're going to add a fourth member to the team.

Yeah. We're growing up, folks. Things are changing around here. We've got a podcast puberty. So we'll keep you in, keep you, what's the word, abreast. Yeah. That's funny because I was taking my tent out. That helped me think of it.

Yeah. Joe's taking the Ted Baker off because it doesn't breathe. It doesn't breathe. And I don't think we have AC. I think we have a fan on because it's 5,050 degrees here. Yeah. It's pretty hot and muggy in this damn town. But come see us and wherever we're heading, the summer shows are killing me.

You sound like you did pretty good in Providence in Portland. I had some real light attendance and I sold out three last year. God. Well, what are you going to do? It's hot as a mother fuck. Did I ever tell you the best sports tackle I ever saw? I probably told you before. It was when Manny Ramirez played for the Cleveland Indians.

I was with my dad at the game third base side and some Boston douche who was hilarious yells out, hey, Manny, you taking up the Fanny, you fucking faggot. Wow. A lot of layers. The Fanny. He's good because he's willing to say faggot. Yes. But also comfortable enough to say fanny.

Well, in 1995, faggot was available at every corner drug store. That was over the counter. You could call anybody. That's true. You called gay people that. Yeah. And now they call each other that. Yeah, I suppose so.

We should do that. We should start calling each other white. No. Well, now it's straight white male. You're my straight white male. I guess. Because they use it negative. Yeah, you don't listen to the straight white male.

We should start taking it back. Straight white male, please. Yeah. This is straight white male rigged. Yes. All right. The country. Straight white male rigged.

We could go on and on. But anyways, yeah, come out. I'm back in New England again. Hartford Funnybone the first weekend, whatever that is, August 3, 4, 5, something like that, 2, 3, 4, something, some combination of those. I'm coming to Hyenas in Dallas, also mid-August. Come out there. I'm going to be in, what's that, Alabama?

Huntsville, Alabama. Oh, that's a big room there, Fetty. That's coming up. I'll be at Portland Helium, not till December. Check out my website. I got a bunch of dates coming up. Go hit the Patreon. I'm telling you, we got a lot of stuff coming on that Patreon.

Oh, yeah. It's going to be a whole new ball game. I'll be at Zany's in Nashville, first time doing a weekend there this weekend. So come check that out. Actually, next weekend, sorry, Nashville, Zany's. Tell all the Tuesdays. Then I'm going to New Orleans, hometown, baby. Nola, who that?

One-eyed Jacks and Lafayette. Then I will be in Funnybone, Hartford, Connecticut. They keep putting us back to back. I know. Then I'm at the Funnybone in Omaha, Nebraska. Great stakes. Love that one. Colleen.

Side splitters in Tampa. Bobby Julk. Come say hello. Then I'm at Hyenas in September. Jesus Christ. I know. We're back. Then I got them in the Big Apple home city there.

Then Stress Factory, New Brunswick, New Jersey. Uncle Vinny's in New Jersey. Funnybone in Cincinnati. Rumors in Winnipeg. Lafts Comedy Club in Seattle. Love Seattle. Then it's Black Friday, Zany's in Chicago. Skyline, Appleton.

Never been there. Did my album there. The album's not good. Please buy it. So far, no good. I enjoyed it. Then I'm at the Pittsburgh Improv. So yeah, a lot of dates.

Check out the Fallon set. Check out Netflix stand-ups, Joe List. I forgot to add. The big date I have is Bellevue, Washington, August 9th. Partly live. Yes. It's between the Pearl Jam shows, between two ferns. Tell your Pearl Jam buddies.

Or just regular comedy buddies, of course, too. So come out to that. But that one, my agent's like, you got to start plugging this. We've only sold 26 tickets. That's all I got. 26 isn't bad. 26 isn't bad. So tell some friends.

Bring some more people Bellevue. It's a one night only. O-T-O-T-O. Oh, and don't forget the L.A. live show. Fuckin' A. October 30th. Tickets aren't up yet, I don't think. Not yet.

I don't know what they're waiting for. Get these tickets up, L.A. Yeah. They're all high over there. Well, they're three hours behind. So it takes a while. That's true. Hollywood Improv.

We got Henry Phillips is going to be there. Maybe Nick Vatteron is going to be there. Maybe get his squeeze, too. Oh, yeah. We need a lady on. Yeah. We'll try to get some big L.A. people. But I don't even know.

My most famous friend has killed himself, so. Wait a minute. Anthony Bourdain? Yeah. I was pretty tight with him. Gates paid. But yeah. All right.

So yeah. Come see us live. Get on the Patreon. A lot of new stuff popping up. We love you. We're gay. Yeah. Yell at your pole.

We love the cards. Thank you. God bless.