Tuesdays with Stories! - #256 Early Jizz

Episode Date: July 31, 2018

It's a jet lagged, Irish Tuesday as Mark faces his angriest heckler ever at Hot Soup, and Joe sits on the tarmac for an eternity before he's accosted by a hooligan in Dublin! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for new bonus eps featuring Ron Bennington, Chris Distefano, Nikki Glaser, and Yannas Pappas. Plus, a new bonus vid with Joe, Robert Kelly & Ari Shaffir! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

This is a Stand Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

No. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Here we go. Hello, folks! We're recording. We're live! Live!

We gotta come up with a name for the apartment. Well, I've been calling at the Out to Lunch Studios. Oh, wow. Is that too long? What do you mean you've been calling at that? I've never heard you say it once. Well, I say that on the phone with my agent. I'm at the studio, Out to Lunch.

Oh, wow. And it's the name of my production company. Oh, I see. Yeah, but... I think it should be the Tuesdays studio or something. I mean, we gotta compromise here. Yeah, we gotta compromise. All right, let's think of something here.

The Tuesday bar. What about we combine our corporations? The small lunch. What are you? I'm the small stuff. Small stuff? You could be the... We could be the lunch...

Wait, where are you again? We could be lunch stuff. Lunch stuff studios. Lunch stuff studios! Hey! LSS. All right, that's the episode, folks. Yeah, thank you.

Catch us more on the Patreon. Take it, we'll be at Nashville and Oklahoma. And I'm gay. We're doing shorter episodes, folks, so get used to it. We're gonna do two-minute episodes from here on out. The Patreon will be nine hours each episode, but it's 11 books. Might want to sign up. Just telling you.

Hey, I don't know where to start, folks. I mean, what the fuck? I got so much. Some episodes, we don't have much. I gotta make up a story about my uncle fucking me in the ass on Wednesday. That was a great moth. But it's a butterfly now. Is that what turns into a butterfly?

Or is it a caterpillar? Don't you get confused by that? Well, yeah, wait a minute. Moths and caterpillars both become butterflies or something? So it's a trance. I think so, but I don't know if you can say that anymore. Tranny? Wait, so it's a tranny fly.

I think a caterpillar becomes a moth, and then the moth becomes a butterfly. Is that... That's a lot of transitioning. Hold on. I don't... I think you got one... One of those has to come out. Wait a minute.

The caterpillar's the gayest, so that should come out. I thought the butterfly was pretty gay. Oh yeah, good point. The caterpillar's got eyelashes, doesn't it? Or is that just a cartoon I saw once? That's cartoon or maybe an acid trip. I think we have to turn the tube off, by the way, because it distracts me. It slides by.

Get the big remote. The big one. The big one. The silver, and it's the green button on the top right. I'm grabbing my cock, folks. The big one. It's green. Yeah, so your caterpillar's gay.

So the moth is not a butterfly? That doesn't become a thing? The moth to a flame. I think a caterpillar does not become a butterfly. Those are two different. No, no, that does. You sure? Isn't there a cocoon?

That was a movie. Isn't that a bumper sticker? Just when the caterpillar thought all hope was lost, he turned into a butterfly. Is that right or am I fucking crazy? Wait a minute. A moth goes to a flame, so he's gay. Yeah, I'm going to turn... You babble or talk, either way.

You know, babble's the tower that they had to get to to talk. I'm a big fan of origins. I know, but I think a lot of your origins are horse shit. Maybe, well... The origin of that is... I'm following the app, origins. Hey, is the origin of horse food? Shit, I meant.

I'm a little spicy. Hold on. What am I looking up again? What turns into a butterfly? Yeah, where does a moth come in? Because I was quoting, I was commenting on the storytelling show. I think you got the joke, but that's for people at home. And then now we don't know.

A moth goes to a flame and a caterpillar goes gay. I can't remember. One day, the caterpillar stops eating, hangs upside down from a twig or leaf and spins itself. What's that? Call that a bourdain. Oh boy. All right. Dane cook and spins itself into a silky cocoon or it molts into a shiny chrysalis.

That's a good name for a girl. Or a boy. Or a stripper. Within its protective casing, the caterpillar radically transforms its body, eventually emerging as a butterfly or... A moth. A moth. Yeah.

Look at that. All right. We know things. What a bummer to turn into a moth. He'd be like, damn it. It could have been a fucking butterfly. Yeah. Well, maybe you want to be a moth though.

Because you know... He gets stuck in a bug zapper. Yeah. You eat a coat. But a butterfly has no... It doesn't feel like it can go straight. It's a little wiggly. It's like a drunk driver.

Remember that old... Carlin Joe. I think I might even know about a bee. A mosquito? How do you know what a mosquito... A butterfly farts? Yeah. A butterfly farts.

It flies straight for a second. It does a little act out. Yeah. That's pretty fun. That's good. Good 60s comedy. I got to tell you, I think that was in the 90s. Oh boy.

My... My tongue just hit the microphone cover. Oh. Will you give it a try so we can be in this together? All right. Hang on. Just like that time in third grade when I asked my friend to taste his own jizz. Yeah.

Third grade. That's some early jizz. Is that a sixth grade of jizz? We were very advanced. Oh. It's not bad. Ah, it's funky. I just dumped tea on it and it turned into a mop.

Oh boy. I'm going to fly away. All right. Well, folks. Your butter. Fly. I like it. Your butter.

That's good. Butter face. Butter knife. I am fucking whacked out. I mean, I am on loopy dupes. You just came from another continent. Another continent. Another country.

Another island. And I'm here. Original Boston as Rory was calling it. We'll get into that later. The Emerald Isle. Kelly from the Emerald Isle. Well, folks. I was in Ireland this morning.

Wow. So right now, my time, it's... I don't even know what time it is. It's 5 47 p.m. one day here. It was 10 47 Dublin time. And today was going to be the day that I finally convert to... I'm on Irish time. Oh yeah.

And now I'm shot back here. Good for you. You beat it. You got ahead of it. I think so. I'm like, I'm a half a beat. Yeah. Like I'm going to be dead tired at like 10 30 p.m.

Oh, you're going to be hitting the wall. Well, I didn't sleep last night because you always have that alarm clock just festering in your brain that last night. Yes. Yes. And here's the thing. I did the thing where I just accepted that I was going to be fucked up time wise. I stayed up every night till four in the morning watching the socks.

I got the red socks on the MLB app and they come on at seven, which is midnight that time. So right when I come home from the party, I turn the socks game on. I watch the whole game. How's the party sober in Ireland? That's got to be the hardest move in the biz. Well, I got to tell you, it was tough. I had some trouble this time. Not trouble.

Good for you for hanging in. The troubles, but it is difficult there because the whole city is just based around drinking. That's the city. It's just a big pool of Guinness. If you've never been to Dublin, I mean, it's 100% pubs. Oh, yeah. Everything is a pub. It's all pub.

Everywhere. All pub. Shaved pubs. And it's all pubby. And also it's not just pubs. It's like everything I love, everything I wanted out of a pub. Oh, yeah. It's Celtic music.

It's all the music. I love so much. Luke Kelly and the Dubliners and the Pogues and all that. Old wood with the beer soaked in it from 1801. You know, the spiral staircase, the ugly bartender with one eye and a wart. I love it. I love it. It sounds like my dick.

One eye and a wart. But it's my favorite thing. Your dick's a pirate. Oh, my God. I could be a good roast joke if we ever roast again. Oh, yeah. Save it. I'm never going to roast again.

But it's just everything I want in life. It's standing around, telling stories, singing songs, telling jokes. That's the whole culture. It's where it's my people, you know. Oh, yeah. Campbell. And it's all, that's gotta, it's all cobblestone and old. There's a bar that's from like 1100.

I mean, literally a bar that was established in 1100. You got that right. It's fucking crazy talk. And so it's everything I want. And then on top of that, we're at the parties and stuff, the after party and it's comics I know and I'm buddies with, but I don't have that deep connection. They got Rory Scoville, Adam Clayton, Holland, Michael Costa, all guys I've met and know and respect immensely and really enjoy their company.

But you don't have, and like Sam Jay, Che is there and Faheem Anwar. I'll talk about all these guys. I mean, these are great, great people, great comics. But they're all boozing, you know. Of course. And you know, I just know that's how you can make that connection. You do a shot. Hey, let's get a shot.

Hey, I like this guy. This guy gets after it. Hey, another one. Yeah. And you don't have that. You're just a fucking nerd in the back blinking too hard. Oh yeah. And I'm trying to put in enough time where I'm like, all right, can I go just leave?

Right. But then you hate yourself because you get back to the hotel and you're like, it's 1130. I'm in a foreign country. There's all these people I don't know. I should be hanging out. Yes. The FOMO kicks in. Exactly.

But also they're getting drunk. Like Che, we had this conversation. I love Che and he's the best, but he's drinking heavy. So like he starts getting closer and closer when people talk to you and they're drinking. And so like we're all, the whole group is like slowly moving. It's like when you're playing in the ocean and you look up and all of a sudden the lifeguard stands like a hundred yards down. You're like, we've drifted 300 yards.

Yeah. And they're spitting on you. They're breathing on you. They're yelling in your ear. And you want to go, all right, all right. But when you're drunk with them, you're into it. And all the people that are drunk, I mean, all the Irish comics and English comics too, who are great.

Some Scottish comics as well. And that's fun. And I love those guys. But they're all boozed up too. And then you realize you're like, they don't realize because they're drunk. You're talking a hundred percent of the time. Yes. You're not aware of this.

Yes. And then I think, I started thinking, I'm like, that's who I was. I was the worst. I hate my, I hate my old self. I hate my new self. I don't, I hate all the selves. Right. So it was difficult.

But last night ended up being great because the last show was like, all the Americans left kind of on the same show is like Shane Torres. I forgot about Shane. He was there. He's great. Shane Torres, Adam Clayton Holland, Roy Scoville and Costa were all in the same show hosted by this guy, Davey Riley. You ever meet him?

No. Nice guy. Good guy. Funny guy. Sounds nice. Bunch of funny comics over there. And so we're all hanging on the back. I've got a couple of Cubans.

That's a nice way to get around it. You have a Cuban, then you got a little oral fixation. You're getting a buzz on. And so we all smoked backstage and that was great. But so today the travel, I'm just cucked out. Oh yeah. You're cucked. And I'll get into the rest later, but we did roast battle, which we'll have to save for

later. I'll save for later or possibly another episode. If you save, I'll save. All right. We'll all save for ice cream. And then maybe we'll save till after it comes out. Or we'll give a little tease. I don't know what tea.

I like a tease. It's got to be on TV folks. Hopefully. Last time I got it out. Don't tease me, bro. Did you get it out last time too? You and Oots. I think we did.

Yeah. Yeah. You and Oots and me and Lisa. Which I'm fine with. By the way, that's the ideal situation. You get paid and then it never airs. You're like, great. Exactly.

See you later. Was it my finest owl? No. No, was it mine? Yeah. They did the roast. They went to the judges and they're like, it seems like you're doing 100% fat jokes. And then we went to like the extra time and I did another fat show.

Well, the audience doesn't know them. That's the thing. A roast is meant for people who know you, who get you, who are your friends with. These roast battles, I want to write all this personal shit about the guy I'm roasting. And I go, ah, the audience doesn't know what that means. They don't know what that is. They don't know anything about the comedy world. Yeah.

You can't get deep in there and turn the knife. Yeah. So watch this season of roast battle and then tweet nice things out. Because I really, I hate myself after this thing. Oh, dude, I'm all shook up. Oh. Oh. Yeah.

Gaby. Gaby. Has that been used to gay baby? That's in my act. Really? Gaby? Yeah. I talk about how I have no gaydar, but if you want to prove you have good gaydar, you

got to point out a gay baby. Oh. And you go, that's a hell of a gaby. Oh, that's funny. It's one of those jokes that always gets the gaby. They always repeat it. Right. A repeater.

I love a repeater. I like a repeat. Repeat. Griffin. There you go. I couldn't even think of one. Peter. I'm on my mind here.

Peter. Who's the actor? Sellers. Peter Sellers. He was big, big in flu. Yeah. Dying as easy comedy is hard. I think that was him.

I believe that was. Gerardo. Yeah. One was. Yeah. All right. I got to, I got to just get into this while we're jizzing here. Oh, okay.

Sorry. Wait, wait, were you going? Well, Ireland, Ireland. I think I'm going, but you go. Oh, no, Cuban. You go. I'll come back. I wish.

Cypher sounds Cuban. It's hard to tell. He's not a good swimmer. I blew him. I mean, I don't even know where to start and end. So if you want to throw something in, I got like an hour on Ireland here. All right. Let me throw this in.

Throw it in and I'll suck it. This might be my last chance to get this in. Okay. So I go to Rose Battle. I go to LA on Friday, but that Tuesday, we did a pot on Monday, the next day, Tuesday. Yes. It's hot New York city. It's, it's boiling.

It's humid out there. I got a show every week called hot soup at a, which it was, it was at an Irish bar and the AC was broken. So it's like, and do the right thing that movie, you know, it's summer in New York and the crime goes way up, the hostility goes way up, the fucking fights go way up. Sure. So we're in this back room. It's packed with, with comics, audience, the whole thing.

There's no AC. It's blurry in there. You know what? It's so hot. There's like the wavy lines. Oh, your wavy lines. We got waves. Wow.

And Katrina in there. Everybody goes up. I show up last. I run in. I'm doing 12 sets as usual. I run in. They go, you're on next. Watch out.

The crowd's a little dicey. And I go, ah, blow me. So I go up and I get them. I'm yelling at them and I'm killing. And I go into one joke and it's working, but it's kind of like a joke. And this lady goes, that's offensive. Oh boy. And I go, what the hell?

And I've had this a million times. So I just get on top of it immediately. And I go, ah, will you shut the fuck up? Blow me a skank and all this. And I just started insulting her pretty brutally. And she goes, ah, one battery. Oh shit. All right.

Finish the story and we'll change the battery. We got one battery. One battery. No Shelby. We're flying solo. We hate ourselves. On the edge of my jizz. The battery nerves makes me nervous.

All right, all right. I'll get a backup going. You get a backup. I'll backup. Drug freeze. I'll put the crack up. So this lady is like, ah, you know, hey, hey, you're being offensive. And I go, shut up.

You cunt. And I use the C word out of the gate. I'm done with it. I've had 18 sets. It's hot. I'm gay. I'm sick of it. Oh boy.

So then I keep going with my act and she goes, the meat tube movement is bigger than you, Mark Normand. She knew my name. She knows your name. That scared me. Is she there every week? I think she is. And she and I go, what the fuck are you talking?

And I just snap. And I'm a pretty, I don't want to say reserved, but I'm a pretty like, I don't show my colors kind of guy. You know, I keep a, what do they call it? Close to the vest. Close to the vest. I did not describe you that way, but okay. Well, you know, I'll fart on a mannequin and I'll pull my dick out on a toddler.

But I don't like to show my true emotions. Anger. Anger. So I just fucking, it was like somebody just cracked a twig in my forehead. I just lost it. I saw red. And I go, you think you're a fucking hero? You're nothing.

You're worthless. You want to help somebody go out there and help somebody go protest? Go March. You're barking up the wrong tree. You stupid idiot. You're nothing. You think your lead had done up your shit? You're a fat twat.

And I just fucking lost it. And I, she was four feet away from me. She was sitting at the bar. Oh my God. And I just lost it on her. I'm like, you're nothing. You're worthless. You have no idea.

You're way out of your element. I'm not the bad guy. I'm telling jokes. And then this other lady in the middle of the room starts piping up. Oh, she pipes. And she goes, you're the problem. Not her. And I go, why am I the problem?

I'm telling jokes in a comedy show that you came to. You're the problem. You're interrupting me. And you produce the show. And I produce. It's your show. And we had men, women, black, gay, Jew, handicap, Asian, queef, whatever. We had them all on the show.

Who was the handicap? Uh, leader. Well, I don't know. If you count autism as a handicap, the whole show was a handicap. So, so now I'm, now I got a two for here. It's a threesome with these cunts. And I'm just going back. I was like, you're a twat.

You're a cunt. You don't know anything either. And then here's the, here's the beauty of it. I'm winning. I'm making good points as well as calling them fat and ugly, which felt good. So I go, what is your problem? These are jokes. You guys are idiots.

And they go, these jokes are offensive. And I go, who cares? Grow up. You know, sack up being adult. Learn how to take it. Sack up. And then I go, look, if there's a movie where a woman gets raped, do you yell at the director? Did you yell at that writer?

And they were like, well, that's different. I was like, yeah, yeah, he's making reality. I'm, I'm humor. This is all humor. You're idiots. This is an act. And this guy, they keep yelling at me. And this guy goes, well, you two shut up.

And they, I love this one. They go, you see, you're sickening your men on us. Sickening your men. I don't even know this guy. He's just trying to enjoy a fucking show that you're ruining. They don't even see that. They're so, they're such narcissists. And so I just fucking lose it.

And it was a, it was a melee. And the whole thing, I haven't, I have it all on tape. So I think I'm going to put it on the Patreon. Put it on the Patreon. The whole thing lasts like four minutes, which doesn't sound like that long. But that's a lot of fighting time. That is a lot. That's longer than a round in boxing.

Aha. Yes. And it's like a late night set almost of, of just pure vitriolic fervor. Put it on the Patreon. The Patreon's going up to $75 a day. Yes. How do you like that? So I'll put the whole set on there just so you know,

I'm not blowing hot air up your content here. Cause this was a, this was a, a, a Bruhaha. Wow. A blood bath. Yes. And so then I'm winning it. And this, this is when I knew I won the whole thing. The girl goes, well, if you're a professional comic,

you should be able to take it. And I'm just thinking in my head like, I am taking it. I'm, I'm, I'm taking it pretty well. I'm busting your ass. I'm winning. This is me taking it. This is me handling it. Yes.

I am handling it. And you're also going to continue to be a comedian later that night, the next night and the next night. Exactly. It's not like you're like, and like knocked out of the business. Right. I'm like, I have a gig tomorrow.

Yeah. I didn't fall off the stage. Yeah. I'm still here. And I hate that argument because it's like, yeah, I am handling it, but it's like a cop, part of his job, he gets shot at. It doesn't mean he likes it. Yeah.

It doesn't mean he won't shoot back. You should be able to handle this. Yeah. What do you mean you got shot in the face? Exactly. You fucking loser. So I'm handling it. I am taking it.

And I just told him, I was like, don't come back here. Get out. You don't get comedy. You don't know what this is. And then one of the guys in the back goes, one of the comics, I don't want to say his name. He goes, were they mad when you were making fun of other groups or just women? And I go, it was just the women because they're narcissists.

That's all they care about. And it, I got off stage like a huge applause and the audience was on my side and then like four women on the side while I just bolted out of there. I couldn't handle it. And I bolted out of there and the women on the side were like, we're so sorry about them. They were idiots. We hate them.

We thought you were funny. We saw your tonight show. We came out to that. So there is justice. If you, if you, if you don't put up with these people's shit, I think you'll be okay. You can't give in. If I would have been like, I'm sorry, what were you mad about? Let's talk about it.

That's out. Those days are over. Well, they're not reasonable people. They're not reasonable. These particular people. Yes. I'm not talking about women. These two, uh, unreasonable assholes.

Yes. Yes. Did you see them after the show? No, I just got off stage and I walked right out the door and then right out the bar. Like Elvis. Yes. I died on the toilet. So, uh, I talked to, you know, I talked to Alan about it.

He's like, yeah, you know, these people exist there. You can't do anything about it. You just can't worry about it. I'm like, yeah, but they're ruining comedy. They're coming to shows and they're, they're terrorists. Yeah. They're frustrating. Yeah.

Here's the thing. They're not ruining comedy. We're doing great. I get, they ruin that show. They ruin the show. They're trying to ruin comedy. Yes. They really are.

What? It's a small group too. It is, but what do they think they're doing? What do they think? I'm going to go back to my room and, oh, thanks to these women, I'm going to stop, uh, raping this child in my apartment. Like who gives, you're not helping anything. Right.

I'm not going to change my ways and, and they know that they, they just want to pat themselves on the back for that moment. That's all it is. I don't know. They, it goes viral. I don't know what the fuck. What's the end game? Oh, you got me lady.

I'll just quit doing the, my favorite thing. It's just a strange, uh, not to mention all the, the, the people that you bring joy to. Exactly. The 99% who enjoys it. Yes. I mean less than that, but you know what I mean. But 99% of people listening. Right.

Right. I'm probably less than 99%, but still. Yeah. Like I did the night show and I talked about this. I talked about that. And I did one joke about me wetting the bed. And one guy wrote like, love the set. I thought the bed wetting stuff was a little, uh, offensive to people who wet the bed and

could be considered insensitive. And it's like, what the hell are you doing, man? I want to take this guy and ring his fucking neck. Like, are you kidding? It happened to me. It's my reality. It's my life. Let me deal with it the way I deal with it.

No, it's, it's silly, but it doesn't, it doesn't make any sense. Like, well, I don't understand the days of just not enjoying something have gone. You have to write about it and send a thing. I think we talked about this before. I'm like reality TV shows, I think are the worst, like desperate housewives is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. It's destroying the fabric of our society. It's gross.

It's shit. It's absolute shit. There's no art, but I don't write to Bravo and be like, this needs to be taken down. Right. I just don't put the channel on fucking Bravo. Exactly. It does it. I hate commercials.

So I mute them. Right. I don't email fucking Downey and be like, Hey, fuck your paper towels. You fucking losers. That's why I think there's something more behind this. These people, when I kept yelling at that girl, I was like, who hurt you? What's going on? What did your dad do to you?

What did your uncle touch you? Because I think they have a weird thing against men. I think they hate men, actually, and they're trying to spin it. It's like the gay guy who actually, who hates gays, but he's actually gay. You know what I mean? Oh, these faggots come in here and do this and that. We got to kill them. They're going against God.

God hates fags. And then they go and blow some guy in an alleyway. Right. You're the problem. She blows a guy. Huh? She's going to blow a guy. Well, blow me.

Yes, blow. That would be fun. I just don't. I think there's a very thin line. I think a lot of this really flips when you put the, when you shine a bright light on it, you can see that a lot of this is actually on the other side. Right. That makes sense.

Well, I think it also, it brings value. People, I think people feel like, you know, it's a hard time and it's a bad time and Trump and all the business and that you want to do something. And so they think in their mind, these people are like, I did something tonight. I stopped a man from telling his joke that I found reprehensible or whatever. So they feel like they're out there doing something, but in reality, they're just ruining a show and they're actually not seeing that they're ruining fun. Like all these other people are trying to take a break from everything and you've ruined

that. Now it's just another fight. This is what they see on Twitter and on Facebook and on the news. And now you've brought that front and center. I was trying to get away from that. Right. They're watching another fucking confrontation between two fucking unreasonable women and a reasonable guy.

I know. It's a tunnel vision. That's all. They didn't see that the show was ruined. They didn't see that everybody was mad at them. They just saw, yeah, I'm doing justice. I'm stopping this straight white male, blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

They think they're a hero, but they're not. Yeah. That was another thing. She goes, you're a white man with a microphone. And I was like, so what does that mean? I shouldn't do comedy. I should. I just kill myself now.

I can't do anything. I can't walk around. I can't have a hope, a dream. I'm a white guy. And then I did this whole thing. I'm like, you're just judging me by my race, color, and sexual orientation. You're doing all the things you rally against. Exactly.

You're a hypocrite. No, it's crazy. What does your race have to do with it? Exactly. And it's also just pointing out that it's like being like, you're a human with tits in a chair. Right. It doesn't make sense.

So what are we just naming things? I know. I don't understand it. I'm not holding anybody back. I'm just trying to. I'm at a bar show. All my black friends doing comedy are killing it, but that's a whole other TV show. But yeah, I just, I don't know.

It's like they had the woke handbook. They just kept yelling out all the things that you've heard, you know, like, Black Lives Matter, and you're a straight white male, and Whippin' Me Too, and Time's Up. It's like, you don't even know what you're saying anymore. Just spilling out all this bullshit you've heard on Twitter. Yeah. It's very strange to go to the gender. You're just a man.

Yeah. What do you want me to do? Right. Yeah. There's a woman hosting the show. I had to follow a lady. I mean, I don't know what to do here. Should I not do stand up?

I don't get the rules. But that wouldn't be sad. I mean, that's what we've talked about this before, too. I'm like, I don't understand what the end game is. Right. So what would she be happy with you doing? I think you have to do. Do you have to leave comedy?

You can't speak anymore? I think I'm just supposed to, like, kiss her ass and bow down and be like, yes, you're right. I'm a white man. I'm sorry about everything. The people with the same skin color of me have done. And yeah, and then just be like, here, you know, I'll hold your sign at the next rally. Now what was the joke in question?

Uh, you'd be hilarious if you told me, and I was like, Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. Well, let's see. I told a joke about how I went to the women's march and I said, uh, I don't want to, you know, give away my material here, but I said, um, yeah, I went to the women's march. It was really cool. Although I got to say, I haven't heard the word pussy yelled that much since that time I rollerbladed to high school.

Yeah, I remember that joke. And that's a dig on me. Right. And I, you know, okay, I'm talking about the march, but like, I didn't hear the word pussy a lot. Grabbed by the pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy power, pussy parade, whatever. And then I did a whole joke about, um, uh, you shouldn't objectify women, but let's not pretend that women don't want to be pretty.

Right. You know, I've never heard a woman say, you never tell me I'm interesting anymore. And okay, say what you will if that's offensive, but I'm just saying what I've seen. I'm just saying what I, what's out there, what I've observed. And that was the joke. Yeah. And it's a joke. And it's a joke.

And if you think it's wrong, great. If you think it's right, I hope you laugh, but, uh, I'm not trying to hurt anybody. Nope. And are we in a time now where we can't joke about certain groups? I mean, well, if women is one of the groups you can't joke about, that's going to put us all in a lot of trouble. We're fucked. And then they're like 52% of people.

Yeah. Michelle Wolf's out of a job. Yeah. So, and, um, I got a lot of wife stuff, got a lot of wife stuff as a zillion men and women are different and women do this and men do that. So yeah. I don't know. I just, I had to, I had to get that off my, uh, taint there and I, I just like to get

to the bottom of this. And luckily you talk, I like, you know, I talked to Nikki Glaser. I talked to Michelle Wolf. I talked to all these women and they're like, ah, fuck them. Don't, don't worry about it. But it's like, it's just getting a frustrating. It's getting annoying. Yeah.

Well, I mean, yeah. Wolf gets it too. I mean, for her jokes and stuff and on Twitter, like these, these groups come after the, uh, these certain feminist groups come after her and everything. It's just one of those things that you just, another thing you have to deal with now in comedy is people are going to interrupt and yell and get offended. You just got to go out. I don't know what to tell you.

I know. It's just, it's so Pavlovian. It's so like triggery, uh, predictable bullshit. It's like, you know, a black woman goes up. So this white man did this and then you're like, yeah, yeah, that's funny. And then if a white guy goes up and goes, so a black woman, do they go, why does she have to be black? Like, well, why did he have to be white?

It's all part of the story. I'm just painting a picture. It's descriptive. Right. And it's just like, you can be, you can joke about Republican, but you can't joke about fat girl. You can, you can joke about frat guy, but you can't joke about Asian dude. It's like, what the fuck is, why is one thing better than that?

I don't get the, the, the numbers here and what, what works and what doesn't. It's all a power struggle at the end of the day. It's cuckoo for cuckoo puffs. And it makes me want to not deal with any of it. I'd rather just go, uh, all right, never mind. I'll just talk about my aunt Betty. I know, but I don't want to give in. But she's a woman too.

So I don't know. I want to give into these cucks. It's just, uh, it's, I think you just got to do your own comedy, put it out there and hopefully the right people find it. Yeah. It's, uh, it's very frustrating. It's just frustrating getting interrupted. You're trying to do a joke.

Yes. Yes. I dealt with a similar thing at, uh, Rosebound. But I want to talk about that later. All right. I'll talk about that later. I'm just trying to do my job. That's my, I'm a professional comedian.

I'm just trying to tell jokes on a stage that you came to. Yes. Well, that's the thing that's frustrating. It's like we said, it's like, and it's been said many times, many ways. Merry Christmas. Uh, you're here. How's that song go? Though it's been said many times, many ways.

Merry Christmas. Oh, it was Merry Christmas. Yeah. To you. To you. Um, not Merry Christmas to them. Fucking shitty Christmas. Happy Hanukkah.

Yeah. I hope you get fired right before Christmas. Yes. Wherever you are. Get a lump of coal. Yeah. I never really got the two weeks you have a diamond. I don't really get it because it's pressure.

It's tight. What's that now? First, Bueller, if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass and two weeks you'd have a diamond. I guess coal turns to a diamond. Is he wound up tight? Put some shit. He's a tight ass. Right.

I just don't know. I didn't know that. I don't know the origin of diamonds. Oh, it's it's a science joke. I mean, I like I've put together from the joke that coal becomes a diamond, but it's a lot of math. I just didn't know that as a kid. So I was like, I don't even get it.

Yeah. I'd ask my mom with that man as well. And even getting it. I'm like, I don't think I'd like it. I don't care for it. But it's the 80s. It's delivering really well. It's one of those jokes.

Like a lot of times people will have, they'll deliver something. I don't even get it. But the way they said it, I'm like, that's hilarious. That movie really sculpted what I thought being cool was. Yeah. I mean, I said before I'll say it again. I spent my whole life trying to be Ferris Bueller. Same.

And the best Cameron Fry. Roger Ebert said it's one of his favorite movies of all time. Oh, wow. How about that? Big fan of the Ebert. You know, it's funny. I've been watched. I watched all day.

I've been spending on the airplane watching Roger Ebert on Charlie Rose speaking of me too. Oh, yeah, right. Which is so weird because like he keeps like, he keeps saying like, it's say it's like woky things a bunch to the interview. And he's like, and don't forget actresses. Oh, Roger. Who's like some of the best actresses?

Interesting. And Roger, by the way, was woke back in the 90s by Ebert. Black wife. Yeah. Super woke. Um, he was like, they were talking about, he was quoting some guy. He's like, when a man goes to a movie, a man needs to be in the movies. Of course, that's a very sexist comment.

In my mind, I was like, well, I don't think that's even sex. I think he's just saying he's using man as in like mankind. Right. Right. Like Neil Armstrong, isn't like one small step for man and man only, you dumb horse. It's like, I think it was saying man is short for mankind. I think you're right. I believe.

I don't know. But now we're off on it. Well, he's dead now. Thank God. They're both dead. Yeah. How weird is that? I deserved it.

What if they killed each other? Like subconsciously? Maybe. Probably not. Yeah. I was likely not. He lost his job. It was a real situation.

Oh, I saw the movie. It was a flapper. I love you. But thumbs up there. Raj. Sorry about your job. Hope you're up there. Fucking some whores before your wife dies.

See, this is the thing. We're making fun of Roger Ebert's cancerous jaw flappy face. But we love them. Yeah. That's what the people can't get. They're like, how can you say that about Jews? Because it's a joke. I'm a comedian.

I'm trying to get a laugh out of these idiots. Also yell at the audience. If you got a problem with these jokes, they're dying. They're loving it. It's a whole cookie situation. And I don't got any answers. All right. You know, it's just what I could do.

All right. How are we doing on that battery? We're hanging in there because it started out as full three bar battery. And now we're down to Uno. We skipped Deuce. But does it blink when it's zero? Does it still work? It's going to have a zilch in the space.

Okay. I've had that in my asshole. Zilch. Yeah, the negative space. Robert. Robert Zilch. He had a big dick. Robert Zilch changed his name to Bob Dylan in the rest of his history.

Robert Zilcherman. I got to get back in the groove here because I was all hot and bothered earlier. Now I'm all, I feel bad. I want to give you a hug and kiss your feet and suck your dick. I vented. I got it out and enough people apologize and pat me on the asshole. I'm back. All right.

So tell me about the Great White Way. Well, Canada. This is the Green Isle. Emerald Isle. Well, so anyways, my travel has been bananas. So I did the roast battle. Yes. But that was kind of last minute.

I already had Dublin booked. So in the last week, one week ago today was Monday. We were shot. We recorded on Sunday night. Our first ever Sunday night recording. Yes. At the other studio. Oh, and the comedy seller.

Yes. So then Monday morning, I mean, I guess I'll just get into this travel. It's going to be, I know travel stories are annoying and people have tweeted at us, but I got some doozies here. I can't wait. So I had to go to LA on Monday, shoot roast battle Tuesday. And then Wednesday, I was flying from Los Angeles to New York. Then six hour layover, then flying from New York to Dublin, back to back six and a half

hour flights, three in four days and then one today. So four in seven days. I've spent 27 hours on airplanes and that's just on the airplane. That doesn't count the fucking security. And in Ireland, for whatever fucking reason, it's double security. You go through American security and Dublin security. Oh my God. It's double shoes off, double computer out, double finger fuck.

It's a whole thing over there. Double D bra Debbie does Dallas. My mother's gay. Yeah. That's a horrible porn. So that was like the go to porn for a long time. Debbie does Dallas. Did you ever see it?

I owned it. So you saw it. I owned it. Yeah. I watched it. I never saw it. I didn't own it and not watch it. I'll tell you that.

Well, you never know. I like to be sure. Maybe you just jerk off to the cover. That's true. The cover wasn't bad back in those days. I mean, you could just have a VHS box. You could like, you keep the cassette. Just give me the box, baby, because I'm dying over here.

Yeah. I'll just on a box. I've come on a Sears catalog three hundred and eighty times. Sure. I can open it. I'm under the men model. I'm jerking off to a tricycle with a dragon on it. So anyways.

A trike. Baby, we're back. Yeah. I'm sweating over here. I'm having the time of my life. It's good to be back at stateside and grounded in America. Because I had the time of my life. All right.

So you're in the great anal. So I already forgot where I was. So I had the LA. Then LA. Seven hours. Then the Dublin. The layover. So the flight out Monday.

We're doing roast battle Tuesday. Sarah and I Monday were flying out to Los Angeles. We got like an 11 o'clock flight. I think it is or something like that. That's AM. Yeah. 11 o'clock flight. And then Comedy Central is picking us up and driving us.

So they send us. They want you there early. Want to make sure you're early. Of course. Because it's their ass. Sure. So we get picked up at 8 30 in the morning for 11 30 flight. That's what it was.

We take the car all the way to JFK. We get right through security. TSA precheck. Lick my own balls. We're through it like nine. Yeah. We sit down. And right when we sit down, Sarah gets a text on her phone.

Flight canceled. No. In the airport. Two hours before the. I never even heard of this. Oh. Two hour early. We're already there canceled.

Aye. Aye. So then I call my manager. I go. I go. Chris. It's fucking my flights canceled. The next flight sold out.

I don't know what to do. Yeah. And he goes. Well, I just emailed them. But they're in LA. It's five o'clock in the morning out there. Uh-huh. So I go.

Well, now we're fucked. So we go up to the counter and the lady is like, listen, I don't know what to do for you right now because we got this other flight. We're trying to. We're trying to board the 10 a.m. flight and everyone's showing up now. And then all of a sudden she gets a text. Flight's back on. Whoa.

Okay. I've never seen that. I've never seen that in my life. No. 10 minutes later, I'm on the phone with my manager. I go. Oh. Flight's back on.

No sweat. Forget I ever called. Go back to bed. I'm gay. Yeah. Hang up the phone. Five minutes later. Flight canceled.

What the dick. It's going kooky and haywire. Who's this? Fuck American Airlines. Who's this flight? Why does it can go and stick a ton of dicks in there and let them all come into your puke? Because you stink.

Yeah. I'm a Delta man and I should have, as soon as they sent me the flight said, hey, no, I'm a Delta boy. Same. All right. Give me a Delta or I'm not going to do your dumb roast battle. What time was the flight? I'm sorry.

It's like an 1130 flight, I believe, but we're there at 830 or something. Okay. Okay. So we get there and now it's back on. It's back off. So we go up to the thing. Sarah gets another text and I'm not getting the text because I don't have American shit. I'm a Delta boy.

Oh, you got Japanese. Delta's calling me going, hey, what are you doing over there with American? I'm going, I'm sorry. It was my, it was my idea. So then we go over to the fucking the lady there who's supposed to help. Help chick. And not a helpful lady. They rarely are.

A bunch of other people are upset and she goes, yeah, you've all been moved. They, because as soon as they cancel the flight, they move us to 930 PM. Sarah's like, I've been moved to the 930 PM, but the flight now is back on. But now they've moved her to the 930 PM. Whoa. So she's on the wrong flight now. I'm like, no, no, we want to be on the 11. It says, well, it says here you moved to the 930 and she's like, no, I never confirmed

that. I never asked for that. Yes. And I go, you got to get me back on this flight. Get us our seats back. And we're flying in first class because it's fucking Comedy Central got the money. So it's not canceled. You just got moved.

No, it was canceled, then back on, then canceled, then back on, but as soon as they cancel it, they dispersed everybody to later flights. So they're like, Hey, you're on this flight. I'm like, I never fucking moved. You canceled it. You moved me. Fucking show me a nipples. Yes.

Nips now. Nips now. That's a hashtag. What did you say? It sounds German. Nips now. Wunderbar. Yeah.

Yeah. Nips now would be Wunderbar. I haven't seen nips since 84. I saw Rory Scoble. I'll show you one right now. All right. Just one. Oh, that's a dick.

Yep. That's a little dick. So shooting milk. So then I talked to him and finally Sarah gets a text going, okay, I'm back on the 1130s. I go, great. He goes and sits down. I talked to the lady. The lady keeps doing this.

I'm not doing nothing. I ain't doing nothing until the flight goes back because she's like, if I move you and then it gets canceled again, you're not going to be mad at me. So she's literally putting her hands in the air saying, I'm not doing nothing. And I'm like, how is that acceptable? What do you mean you're not doing nothing? I'm on the wrong flight. My wife's over here.

I'm over there. My feet hurt. Yeah. This lady's a kook. So finally it's back on and we sit down. I said this to Sarah. I said, there's no way. That's the end of this.

This thing is going to keep going. So then the flight gets delayed to noon. Not bad. Not bad. An hour. So we go, what the fuck? We've been here since fucking 830. Already.

Can we get a voucher for these kids? Dude, I don't even know where to get going on this. I email them for vouchers. No voucher. They hate me. She's American. They know I'm not loyal. That's why.

And I think there's a lot more to this story to unwind here. I got an eyelash in my eyeballs to get straight on my pupil. These hose ain't loyal. So then it gets noon. Then it says 12.15. And now I already know. I know how they do it. They do those rolling delays.

Yes. 12.15. Intrudence. 12.45. 12.15. They keep doing that shit. They move the gate four times. Oh my God.

We now gate 30. So we all pack up our shit and move down. Now it's back to that. They move four different gate moves. They canceled it twice. Put it back on twice. What? Delayed it five times.

I swear to God. I was talking to the pilot. He's like, this is insane. We're not enjoying this either. It was some sort of wardrobe malfunction. Wardrobe? Whatever it's called. This is Diana Ross?

Whatever you call it. The mechanical. Mechanical. Yes. Which, by the way, is their fault. And can I just say this to everybody out there? The people. I only got two this time.

Sometimes you get more. The people that tweet at you and go, they take the fucking airline side, fucking take a fucking hot, fucking flaming poker and stick it inside of your dick hole. I don't understand it. Like, if people tweet, this happened before, I'll tweet about, oh yeah, my fucking American sucks. They delay. Oh yeah.

I'm sure it's Americans fault. It's delayed. Why are you blaming the. So you're taking the multi-billion-dollar corporation side on this one. Yeah. And it's equipment. So it is their fault. If it's weather, it's one thing.

It's God. Suck your dick. It's fucking. It's their mechanical. It's supposed to take care of this shit. Yes. Who is it supposed to be on? And this is what bothered me.

So they kept moving it. Then finally we get, it's like four o'clock is the flight now. We finally get on the airplane. We taxi for 45 minutes. The guy comes on and goes, folks, it's just not our day. They didn't pack the luggage right. Oh. We have to go back and fix the luggage.

What? From that moment, it's another an hour and 10 minutes before we leave. Oh. Six and a half full hours of delays because they didn't put the luggage in right, mechanical. We changed four times. Nobody was helpful. Everybody moved us off our seats. I've never experienced anything worse than this.

And here's the problem with these corporations. It's never been more evident. There's no accountability. Yes. Because it's not us. It's nobody's fault. I'm a flight attendant. What's up?

Sorry. I'm not my fault. Exactly. I'm a lady behind the desk. I'm a pilot. I'm a flight attendant. It's infuriating. I just booked the ticket, sir.

You're yelling at me. And I go, yes. But you are representing. You're the representative. She's like, this is annoying for me, too. Everyone's mad. I'm like, of course we're mad. You keep moving, everybody.

We have work. We have flights. People have connections. People are missing out on their fucking bar mitzvahs and their bachelor parties in there. What do you call the thing and you get married? The honeymoon. Wedding. Oh, yeah.

Can I do that as a straight white male? Hey, hey. I didn't do anything. I'm just the representative. I'm just wearing the uniform. Yeah. But no, I still get yelled at. It's very frustrating.

And then you talk to the pilot. Hey, I just fly the plane. I'm just waiting to do the thing. But that's the very basis of a corporation. It's nobody's fault. If a 16-year-old girl gets raped behind the fryer later, well, we're not. The manager doesn't know. He just booked this.

We're just McDonald's. You can't sue a person. There's no person. Right. You're wearing a name tag, fucker. So this is nobody's fault. It's just this blank little eagle. Right.

It's a little bird with a little AA around it going, oh, it's American. It makes me fucking crit. No accountability. And there's no one to get angry at. So I tweeted at them. They messaged me. And they go, well, we apologize. We did the best we can.

And I'm like, how about a voucher? Then we finally take off. After six and a half hours of delays, it costs 16 bucks for three hours of internet. What? It's fucking 16 dollars. I'm like, can you just cover our thing? They go, that's booked through an outside company. We're not.

We don't have the authority to give you internet. I'm like, fuck your mother. She has to tell me the code, you twats. They got your ankles up and they're just plowing you as hard as they can coming on your back. No reach around. I hate it. So we lost the whole day in LA. I was going to meet up with Chris Walsh and Sabina and her and her friends, Sarah's friends,

and we're going to go out the thing. It's all gone. All gone. So now we're exhausted. The whole fucking thing. And then we did the roast battle. I'll get into that another day. Yeah.

I want to go back to Ireland here. Please. So today I'm flying back. Let's get the timeline for the folks. So you went to LA. That'll happen in LA. That was on Monday. You get to LA.

You do the roast battle Tuesday. Then Wednesday. Go to Ireland. And Wednesday, we get up 530. I mean, this is crazy. Let's hear this. So 530 a.m. pickup. And when you're going west to east, you're losing time.

You got to get up early. You're losing hair. So now it's a 530 a.m. pickup. But by the time roast battle was done after party, we go to the diner. We go to fucking highway 101, whatever the fucking swingers diner there is. We all have eats. Then we come back, you know, we got to make love. We chat about the whole thing.

Jeff Ross was crazy. You were great. I was great. Nipples are weird. My dicks hurt. Sure. Crooked. But the time we do that, it's two o'clock in the morning.

Now we got, and then you got an hour of not sleeping. You're just staying at the ceiling. I should have said that. What if I had said this? Oh, dude. He said that. What if I said that? What did that whole thing?

Story of my jizz. So then we wake up 530 a.m. So now it's up for about two hours. 530 a.m. pickup. Now you drive into the traffic. LAX, that whole thing. Now security again. All the shit.

We just did two days ago back on American Airlines. Now I get back to American Airlines. Sarah and I are at 10D, 10F, which is next to each other. Yeah. Those big seats. Those lie down seats, which I have to say. Unreal. Which I will say this.

I did keep saying that during the Monday delay. I was like, of all the people on this plane, we have it the best. Yes. We have nothing to do tonight. We have no, what do you call it? Layover. No connection. Connection.

Thank you. So we're at the theater. And we have fucking business class lay down seats. Yeah. Those seats are bananas. So it's like we do have it the best of anybody on here. I feel for everyone else. That was a good moment to be like, you know, gratitude.

And those people walk through to go take a shit. They give you a look. Oh, they don't like us. Oh, they hate you. So then we're supposed to be next to each other on the way back. We get to LAX. I'm all excited. Now I'm not going to see my wife for a few days because as soon as we land, she's going

that way and I got to go to Ireland. There I check in my seat. All of a sudden I'm six A. She's in her 10 F. I'm supposed to be 10 D next to her. Interesting. What the fuck happened? I get up there. I go, excuse me.

As you can see, my reservation says 10 D. She goes, no, we have you in six A. I believe I suspect that the person I was fucking messaging with on Twitter. They gave me the old, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Maybe they were trying to help. They bumped you up. No, no. It's the same section. Just opposite my wife.

They moved me to a different seat. Six to 10 to six. What else could have happened? They moved me up, but away from my wife, away from my wife. Now I'm in bed with some fat guy. I've been there. He got harvied. He chose the same film.

We're sitting here watching. We're sitting having breakfast in bed. I got eggs. He's got eggs. We got one blanket between the two of us. We're both watching high fidelity and I'm holding his hand. That doesn't sound so bad. I'm rubbing his foot.

I'm looking back, man. She's got a dude too. We both got a dude. You got two dudes. Yeah. She's got some sexy, like brown skinned, like Mediterranean fellow with black, slick hair. He's got that, the big nose, but in a good way, you know. Oh, I hate the good way big nose.

She got Hadrian Brody. She's got Brody back there. Oh, and you got. I got fucking Tom Segura or somebody. I'm dying. I'm here. But I think they did the switcheroo. It's mostly stories.

They can do whatever they want. These airlines. They just went all of a sudden. I go again. I can't get an answer. I email my manager. I go, what's going on here? He's like, I'll ask Erica, the producer.

And I'm getting that producer. But I'm like, what the fuck does she care? She doesn't know. She care for with my wife. You're off. You're out of her jurist stick. Exactly. No jurist.

You're on a plane now. She's done with your ass. I'm jurist pussy. Yes. She's got a new show now that you're flying in. The jury's out. Yeah. I'm out.

I'm dead. I can ask these guys. But I don't know. So then she pages them. They never answer. They're in the booth. They're in the fucking lounge. She got rocked.

They rocked me. And I know it's because I was tweeting at him saying, hey, you fat cunts. I bought some free internet. Yes. How about 6C? You fucking piece of shit. How'd you like to spoon a fucking CEO? You got six dicks up your caboose.

I wish. But anyway, so then I land and then I decide now I got a weird decision to make because I got like five and a half hours till my flight. But I'm like, do I go home? Or do I sit at the airport? Yeah. You could have gone home. You're living 20 minutes from LaGua.

I did. That was mine to sit. Well, on a good damn 35 minutes, but we got a car waiting for us because it's Comedy Central. So they pick us up in like an SUV. So I said, I'm going to arrive with Sarah. We get in. I hit Google Maps 54 minutes because of traffic.

We landed at 5 p.m. or whatever. You should have hit it before you left. What do you mean? You should have hit Google Maps. See where, you know, well, it still was worth it. Here's the thing. When you're that road weary and the delays and the delays and the plane, even being home for 45 minutes is worth it.

I agree. Just to take your shit, lay on your couch and be like, I'm home. Take a shit, pack a new set of clothing, take out old clothing. I get it. So here's what I did too. I unpacked some stuff and then added some different stuff. We got some fresh clothes in there because even two days in LA, it's a TV shoot and everything's folded.

Oh yeah, I got it. So I'm home for like literally 55 minutes. OK. Then I get in a lift and go straight back in the opposite way. Yeah. Same traffic I was looking at. One hour in each way because it's JFK. Yeah.

So it's like New York City. The traffic either direction. So I sat in two hours of traffic one hour each way. Yes. Just to go home for 55 minutes. Right. Now I'm back at the airport again. Same fucking airport.

Just at LAX and JFK. Same day. Oh, I'm queefing here. I feel for you. I'm cringing my assholes, bleeding it over the story. I've been there. Queefs in my face, coming my eyelids. Finally I get on that plane.

Andrew Short is on my flight. Oh, he's cute. Great guy. Sam Jay is on my flight. She's in first class. I'm down in fucking, what do you call it? Coach? Ah, Comfort.

Business. Comfort, which is OK, but it's better than regular, but it's like three inches better. You get a snack. Yeah. You get a snack and fucking mother. Did you get a meal? Yeah, you get a meal. All those internationals you get a meal, which is nice.

That's nice. Teeny meal. Yeah. Teeny meal. Now, the flight lands in Dublin at like 9.30 a.m. and the hotel is not available until 3 p.m. Come on. Now, I put it for an early check out, so I mean early check in, they called me on the

phone at 1.30 p.m. You got the, the international gay? What's that mean? Plan. Oh yeah. 10 bucks a day. Not bad. Not bad.

Totally worth it. Thank you, Verizon. I love these corporations. They're very good to you. Yeah. They're like a full fucking 22 hours or whatever, but I don't want to go to bed because I'm jet legs, so I just fight through it, go out, do the first show as an 800-seater, open it for Tommy Tiernan in Dublin.

What'd you do all day? You got there at 9.30 a.m.? Water. I got a Cuban. I sat in St. Stephen's Green Park, which is kind of like their central park. Sandwich or cigar? Sandwich. Okay.

So I was sitting there and then I find them like, you know what, and then you start getting like second wins. Like your body like starts going, all right, let's fucking, we got to get it going. What'd you want to do? Die? And you got that Ireland vibe running through you. I'm home, baby. I'm in Africa.

Once you drop off the bag, you're kind of like, all right, I mean, that's my favorite thing in the world is being in a new country. Yes. The freedom of getting that rid of that bag. Now you're just, now I'm just on foot. Oh yeah, it feels good. And the nice thing is it's a city that I know pretty well. I've spent, at this point, when I arrived, five days of my life there or six days of

my life there. And it's a tiny postage stamp of a city. Yeah. It's pretty small. It's a city. Really spending time in self-doublet. So it's pretty like, like the main cities, you know, a couple of miles, whatever. So I went and got a Cuban.

I'm sitting in St. Stephen's Green. I finally lay down. I'm like, it's not so bad. I got here. All I have to do is stay awake for another nine hours. I'm smoking some my cigar. And then I realize, of course, everything seems great. And then some fucking hooligan comes up, he actually had a soccer jersey and a backwards

mess hat. And then like high sock. Like he looked like he came from a soccer match. OK. And I watch him enter the park and he's walking straight for me. I can tell, but you can tell when someone's off. Oh, he's a miss. Yes.

And I'm having a cigar. So he walks straight up to me and he crouches down like a catcher. And now I realize I'm like, fuck, I'm in the most vulnerable position. I'm literally sitting like I'm posing for a Michelangelo painting. Oh, no. I got my legs crossed, leaning on one elbow smoking. And he's, you know, crouching over me. Like, hey, mate, can I get a couple bucks, a couple dollars, whatever the fuck you're

all about. Whatever the fuck you said. And I was like, I don't have a dollar on me, which I didn't. I had zero cash on me. And he's like, oh, yeah, you don't have a dollar on you. That's a nice cigar. Where'd you get your cigar? Oh, boy.

And I was like, ah, the store over here is like expensive, huh? But it's expensive. Oh, jeez. He's like Habana. Expensive. And I was like, I should have said it was a gift is what I should have said. And I was like, not too bad. He's like, how much did it cost?

Oh, who is this fucking blimey? Blimey. Keep in mind, my heart is packed because I'm so full. I'm laying in the grass. There's no, I can't do anything. Oh, you're on a bench. No, no, I'm laying in the grass. Oh, that is vulnerable.

Yes. So then he says, well, I guess I got about 15 bucks. He's like, yeah, 15 bucks. 15 fucking bucks. Well, you on holiday? Oh, I hate this man. Holiday. And you're from America.

He's like, you're from America. And I was like, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, now my heart, I'm like looking around. It's daytime. So there's people walking around, but still you're like, fuck. He's like, yeah, you fucking bloke. And he got up and like walked around. And then I watched him.

He started like V, B lining, B lining. B lining. He started B lining like a butterfly farting to write to everybody. He's, he's a shockster. This is his thing. So he's doing it, but I got away unscathed. Again, it's one in the afternoon. It's crowded, but it was so nerve wracking.

Like it's enough to spoil the whole day. I'm like, now I got to stand up. What if he comes back here? What if there's more like him? Right. So now I'm walking around smoking. I can't even fucking lay down and have a nice cigar. Oh my God.

Wow. He's a grifter. He was a grifter. And then I finished my cigar. I go, I'm like, I'm going to go get a McDonald's. I'm just starving. I don't feel like sitting. I have no, I'm grimy.

I'm not going to go to a restaurant. So I go to fucking McDonald's. Irish restaurant. The American embassy. Yeah. So I'm sitting there. Then I order my food and they're really nice there because they're, it's Ireland or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. They don't have our shitty customer service. Right. So I, I'm standing there waiting and then this crazy nerd. Imagine me with acne, worse teeth and fat. And a little sweaty. I don't know if I want to.

But now it's not pleasant. So he walks up to me and this kid's like this, you know, you have better reception if you took the case off your phone. Oh boy. And I went, okay. He's like, try it. Try it. Take your case off your phone.

What's up with these mix? I go, yeah. No, I'm good. Thanks. It's working just fine. I appreciate it. He's like, okay. And then he just stands there.

Now this guy, I'm not so nervous because I'm standing on him. And I could, if I punched this guy, his head would go rolling off. He's like, he's obsessed with wookies. This guy beats off to, you know, So then he go after like a minute of just not a minute. That's crazy. Like 10 seconds of just standing. He said the thing at the piece.

I go back to my phone cause I'm like, this guy's a nut. I'm not too worried about him. Yeah. And he goes, are you in the queue? Which is the line. The who? The queue. You in the queue.

That's the line. The queue. I thought you were saying that's the line, meaning like that's the, that's the trigger. No, no, no. That's the line. Get in your rest. No, that means line there.

So I was like, no, no, I already ordered. And he's like, oh, and then the poor guy, like he thought I was in line, but I was just waiting for my food, which I thought I was making clear because I was facing the opposite direction of the register. Yes. If you're in line, you face the register. Everyone knows that. Sure.

So I turned my body to make sure no one knew. And I was leaning against the wall. So like, I'm not in line. I'm over here leaning on the wall, like fucking Ponzi. Yeah. Yeah. So then like as he was telling me about my dumb phone case, like three people got in line.

I need to like go to the back because he wanted to ask me about my phone case. Exactamundo. So then I get my food. This is the last part of this. I go over to like, I find a, there's like a Mick cafe in the McDonald's, which is like the coffee place. I'm familiar. The only seat left is at the cafe.

So I'm like the one guy eating a double quarter pound or while they're all drinking coffee. Then I see old nerdy pants. He emerges with his food and it's full. And I'm like, fuck, I hope this guy doesn't see me. And he sees a booth with just one guy, Asian guy. And I just see him go, can I sit here too? And then he sits down and he just reaches out and like shakes the kid's hand. I'm like, that guy's dead or their best friend somewhere.

I got the hell out of there. That poor Asian's got his own problems now. Yeah. He's fucked. So what's up with these gingers? What's going on in this town? It's a wacky town. And I'll tell you, Dublin on a Saturday night is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my

life. It's bananas. It's one of those things. You leave the festival, you walk out and you just go, I got to get a cat. This is. Oh yeah. I mean, people. It's Mulligans.

You think you're going to get knocked out every turn. It's wild, like ravenous people hooting and hollering. Unbelievable. And they rough house. Yes. Like these like four guys, like literally, I'm not joking. Hitting each other with trash cans. They each had their own trash can.

Wow. That's and that's waste management. One's like pushing the other one into the train tracks. He's like, come on, man, you can get by a train. And they're like, oh, Jackie, you fuck. I'm like, this is horrifying. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. And I grew up in Boston.

It's like Boston double. It's like. It's Dublin. Dublin. I grew up in New Orleans. It's the same. It's it's wild down there. And it's in Dublin.

I was like, damn, these kids are rowdy. I mean, it was the craziest thing I've ever seen. But I mean, I feel like I got to tease the rest of this is just the travel. Oh, is that right? It's more than Ireland. I mean, I haven't gotten into the festival. Oh my God. I got stories and festival and then roast battle.

We didn't even get into. Yes. That cast. This is great pod. Wild one. But let me just say this. Please. I'll close by saying this.

One thing about one interrupt. There's one thing about, please do. All right. Let's go to the show. Really. Good point. There's one last thing about Dublin. Last night, Sunday night, closing night, final set.

Rory Scoville. We've talked about him. You've seen him. We've talked about him. We know him. We're buddies. Big fans. This guy put on the best standup comedy show I've seen.

I can't even like think of when. Come on. Louie. It's tough because I watched the whole thing develop. So I saw it a million times and I was in the, this guy went up. I saw him three different times in three nights in a row. Didn't do one joke. The same.

Did everything different. Oh my God. Fucking improvising. He did a cat. Last night he did a character like this kind of gay ish Scottish thing. Irish that would go into Scottish and English. It was like a one man show improv. It was magical.

I was so glad that it's not taped or for a special or anything. It was a small group. It was probably like a hundred people, a bunch of comics in the back. At one point he had the guy turn the lights off and turn the reverb up. He was doing some crazy characters and screaming at one person. Some people hated it. Some people loved it. It was a special, special performance where I was literally in the middle of it.

You know, you have those moments where you're like something special is happening right now and I'm glad I'm part of it. 30 episodes ago, maybe I'm ballparking. I talked about how great he was. I saw him do an hour in Atlanta. I talked about how great it was and how amazing it was. I'm glad you got to witness it because the only way I can describe it, because you can't describe it to people.

They don't get it. There's a feeling in the room. There's an energy in the air. He's so good. It feels like you're smoking weed with 12 of your friends and it's four in the morning and you're peak high and you're all keeled over holding your stomach laughing at one guy. That's Rory.

It's amazing because it's not just like a lot of comics you watch. You're like, I got to get better. I got to go listen to some set. It's not even inspiring. Yes. You're like, oh, this guy's doing a different thing altogether. That's a great way to put it. It's like the last night of the FET where everyone's like, OK, let's go.

Come on, guys. The stones are coming on. Everybody get together. They're going to go fucking play exile on Main Street or whatever the fuck. But even that, because it was like genre bend. I don't even know what the fuck he's doing. Genre bending. It was bananas and I was not just like, oh, that's great.

That's funny. I'm like fucking holding my stomach laughing. Then this point we were just like sad that you're like, I'll never be this kind of performer. I know. I know. He's so in it. He's so in character. And also just a gentleman's gentleman.

Just the sweetest guy. Sweetest guy. Good dad. And hell of a husband. Good, good man. And a great hang too. Just funny and sweet. But like what a performance.

Go see him. And then you watch his specials or his Conan's or whatever. But it's one of those things that's so special you can't even capture it. You can't capture. No capture. So go see Royer School, but he's one of the best comics there is. Maybe the best. And he's different and there's nobody like him.

Complete original. Yeah. I don't know. Does he tour? I don't even think he tours. I think he tours. I think he's, you know, he had the movie and he was great in the movie too. I think he does a lot of Atlanta.

He just did the Dublin thing. But I felt lucky. One show he did, he just held the stool the whole time. He's like, I'm gonna bring the stool out. So there's a stool out there. Before he went on, he's like, what if I just held this the whole time? Yeah. Never put it down.

And we were like, oh yeah, whatever. He did 25 minutes just holding the stool, which actually takes quite a bit of strength. Yeah. Yeah. And he had his beer on it. He was drinking his beer off of the stool, but still doing his act. He's got this joke about whale cum that is like one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life.

Unbelievable performer. Extraordinary, I would say. And I felt privileged to be working with him. And then like, I came backstage. I was like shaking. I'm like, that was crazy, man. Right, right. This guy's my friend.

He's my equal. I'm like, I'm like, I'm comfortable with you. Yeah. He's a pro. He's on another level, but pro like you and I are pro. He's like a fucking, I don't know what he is. I don't know what the hell he's doing, but I don't know. He's a special guy.

I hope he hears this because we both love him. I was moved by him. And it's one of those guys. We go, I got to make some changes when you watch him, but you can't do what he does. It's impossible. Yeah. He's like Robin Williams. If Robin Williams made sense and was funny.

Yeah. Yeah. And didn't kill himself. But yeah, so good. Big fan. Where are you going to be? This is a great pod. The next one's going to be great too.

We were holding on to stuff, folks. That's how much juice we got. Yeah. It was a wild one. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Is that dead? Oh no.

We're good. Oh no. We're over an hour. I switched. I thought all of a sudden that was the minutes. Freaked out. We should wrap it up because of the battery. All right.

I'm in Hartford this week and come to that if you can. Funny bone. Yeah. Yeah. Come to Bellevue, Washington, Seattle, folks. Please. I'm begging you. Buy your tickets.

It's between the two Pearl Jam shows. If you're traveling for Pearl Jam, if you just lived there, if you fucking hate Pearl Jam, come to Bellevue Thursday, August 9th. Get your fucking tickets. I want to have it be a fun one. Come on out. Chipotle, gift cards, that whole thing. The week after that, Hyena's in Dallas, August 16th, 1718.

After that, Albany, Funny Bone, the 23rd, 24th, and 25th. Huntsville, Alabama. Is anybody down there? Do we have any Tuesdays in Huntsville? It'd be nice. Come to that. September 6, 7, 8. And then Buffalo, back to Buffalo where I recorded the album.

Haven't been there since the album recording. Matt Wayne is featuring. I can't wait for that. Oh, nice. That's September 13, 14, and 15, the weekend after that. Hilarity's in Cleveland, the Soxer in town that weekend. Come back. Please get your tickets in advance.

These are all on my website. Comedian Joe List, Buffalo Helium, Hilarity's in Cleveland. Huntsville. Great gigs you got coming up. Hyena's Bellevue. I'm excited. Bellevue, Washington. That one's important.

Come to that. I did a solo lonely queef in Dublin, like fucking three in the morning. Check out the Patreon. It's getting big. It's getting better. Mark, tell them your business. All right. Good stuff.

Make this quick. This weekend, I'm at Zany's in Tennessee. One of my favorite cities as Nashville. I love this club. Friday, Saturday night. Two shows a night. That's going to be a hot weekend. Come on out to that.

Tell some Tuesdays. Then I'm in New Orleans. Hometown Hero at One-Eyed Jacks. And I'm going to Lafayette and doing the worst beer hall. I know it sounds weird, but that's what it's called. Then I'm at the Funny Bone Hartford following this lanky douche. Then I'm at the Funny Bone Omaha. Great room.

It's during some football thing. Somebody tweeted, you're getting fucked by football. So I don't know what that means. Then Sidesplitters in Tampa, Florida. Love this club. Love that town. That's in early September. Then I'm at Hyena's once again following the Fatty.

There. That's in Dallas. Then Gotham Comedy Club, New York City. Come to that. That's big. Hometown. Come on out. Long Island, Jersey.

Upstate. Westchester is the best jester. Whatever you got. Stress Factory. Probably horrible booking time because now I'm in Jersey right after that. Terrible routing there. Our agent's got to work on these guys. Yeah.

Then I'm at Uncle Vinnie's which is also in Jersey. Point Pleasant. So I'm all spread out the Northeast. Come on out. Funny Bone. Cincinnati. Funny Bone. Sorry Chris Allen.

Couldn't get him to feature there. Funny Bone and Cincinnati Liberty Township. Whatever the hell you want to call it. Then Rumors in Winnipeg. That one's going to hurt. Monopoly. Love the club. Then Laugh in Seattle.

And then some other shit. So come on out. Laugh Boston. Zany, Chicago. We got a lot of Tuesdays in Chicago. Skyline in Appleton, Wisconsin. Pittsburgh Improv. You heard it here first folks.

You know what? Chipotle. We just have a black card by now. It's a hell of a pod. Tell your friends. But we don't. So bring the gift card. Bring the gift cards.

He's on Netflix. Check him out. Like my Tonight Show set. Like his set. Poise. Poise counts. Buy our album. Patreon.

Patreon. Get on it. We're gay. We got to stop. We got to lose the recording. Oh, your mother. See your father in hell. It's real.

So much AIDS.