Tuesdays with Stories! - #257 Reggie Nipples

Episode Date: August 7, 2018

Holy hell, it's a hum dinger of a Tuesdays as Joe get #MeToo'd onstage in Ireland before the guys head to L.A. for Comedy Central's Roast Battle where there's beer spillage and headphone toilet droppage. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon where we're crankin' out bonus episodes every week! You can listen on any podcast app! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

Hey, Tuesdays, before we start the podcast and Mark and Joe get to their shenanigans, we had some questions about the Patreon and how you can actually listen to it and listen to the EPs they're putting up. If you go to the desktop version of Patreon, subscribe for as little as $3 a month and go to the right-hand side, there is an RSS feed that you can copy and either text it from your laptop, email it to yourself, and if you copy that RSS feed and add it to any podcast app that you use, that's Apple Podcast, Pocket Cast, Downcast, whatever one you use, you can use that to then listen to whatever bonus episodes, satellite queefs that Mark

and Joe are doing, and we're putting up sometimes three, four of those a week, do that, and you can listen to them there. Alright, thanks, Jews. This is a Stand Up New York Lab's production, providing you podcasts since 2013. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here.

Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there?

Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah, Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My baby always spitting at me. Ah, god damn, I stepped my toe. I got to get in it, baby. I did gym and Sam early today.

I got up at seven in the morning. I got to snap into action there, Faddy. Snap into a Slim Jim, Norton. Oh, yeah. I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it.

I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it.

I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it. I got to get in it, baby. I got back up at seven in the morning. I got to snap into action there, Faddy. Snap into a Slim Jim, Norton.

Oh, yeah. How was it? It was great. It was me and Vos yucking it up. We had a good time. Oh, that's fun. It was me and Vos yucking it up. We had a good time.

That's funny. We really did it. I always get paranoid on any radio show. I'm like, I'mabaing. I'm losing it. But then then I also want to have, like, these deep conversations. You're just putting yourself out there all the time. And nowadays, it's all permanent.

Yeah. You know, George Burns did a radio interview in fucking 1879. No one went back and pulled it up 20 years later and said, listen, he kicked his dog, this fucking Jew. Oh, God. Yeah. I mean, it's all permanent. And I just, you get the feedback immediately on Twitter.

Hey, you come guzzling Jew. What the hell was that line? That one really bombed. You suck. You're like, God, what a way to wake up. No, I hate Twitter sometimes. I don't try to tag your shit and punch up your shit. But I got to, speaking of your gym and Sam, I got a nice comment with a lot of likes on

it. They posted the shirtless boss. Oh yeah. That wrote someone's looking good. And then I commented who. Ah, nice. Which was fun. And then some guy tweets underneath, yeah, who?

And I want to write good tag. Right. Like, I want to start being a fucking troll bully. It'd be nice. You suck. This line sucks. I posted yesterday a fucking picture of headphones on the train. I was like, well, someone's day is ruined.

And then this morning I wake up and we're like, boy, it's hard to imagine their day ruined. I'm watching these California wildfires. Now that's really going to ruin your day. And I'm like, yeah, you fucking idiot. What are you talking about? It could be more than one bad thing. I know. And I'm like, yes, yes.

People's houses are burnt. Like if you do that, it's like, yes, there's people that have no electricity and sleep in their own shit. They're getting raved. I'm like, but yeah, this is a joke about someone losing their headphones. You fucking idiot. I know. I know.

I'll be like, oh, I wish I was six foot. I'm five, 11. Well, how'd you like to be a midget, you faggot? Like what the hell are you talking about? I just, I'm bummed. I'm not six feet. I'm living my life. Yeah.

That's a whole thing. Speaking of the California wildfires, which sounds like a sports club. It does. The wildfires are up to nothing over the Delaware Wicked Boring's. Oh, that's one of my favorite. That was one of my early jokes. It really was the Chicago fire. Did we talk about this already?

Is that a team? That was a soccer, the MLS soccer team, Chicago fire. They named it after the city's worst tragedy. I'd be like, if they had a team called the Delaware Wicked Boring's. Oh, that's fun. But again, not a tragedy. And then it would say lines up. Well, I say, well, the New York Yankees.

Yeah. You know, it was one of those. Nice. But speaking of California wildfires, just put it in the books today, Michelle Wolf and I were doing our second Earth, Wind and Funny. Uh-huh. Show at the Village Underground. We're going to send the money to these poor people with their houses burning down.

And that's still going. I feel like these fires are going every 10 minutes. Something catches up. Well, climate change is real serious. And it's a real serious issue here. We got a lot of wildfires going, a lot of droughts, a lot of floods, a lot of icebergs, lettuce. It's a whole thing.

Sure. But yeah, these fires are bad. It's hell on earth over there. And we've got floods in the East Coast, droughts in the West Coast, whatever you're going to do. But August 28th, Village Underground, 10 p.m. show. That was the only slot. So get your tickets early, folks.

New York City, Wolf and I, we will co-host. We'll have some people to be fun. I don't know what the fuck. That'll sell out. She's a hot ticket right now. I mean, she did hot soup last night and just mentioning her name. The place was jammed. Yeah.

She jams it out. And what I love about her is, I mean, we talked about this already in the last Earth Wind didn't funny. Keith Robinson came up with the name. Oh. And we didn't have him on the show. That's the first thing he's written in a while. So we, sorry, I lost my train of thought there.

Anal, jizz, queef, gum, blood, puke, miscarriage. Oh, so we did the show. That didn't help, by the way. Oh, sorry. No, no, it didn't work out. It doesn't matter. We'll just move on. Who gives a fuck?

Come to the show August 28th. It's a Tuesday, Village Underground. Yeah. Fuck your dad. I got to say, the wolf is the real deal because everybody. That's what I was going to say. Oh, oh, look at that. Yeah.

I assisted. Well, she's the real deal because she's not all woky and annoying. She's still a real comic talking about controversial bullshit and she's not playing the game. Yeah, she's jokey instead of woky. Thank you. A lot of jokes. Although her show is a little woky. I have never seen the show.

Well, I watched the first episode and enjoyed it, but I just can't watch anything. It was so much to watch. There's a lot to consume. Yeah. And I'm just watching sports and I'm watching my, my Kubrick's and I like a good film and a documentary, but the shows, it's the whole thing. And then comedy is just, you get comedy doubt after a while. Oh, well, it's so much now.

It's a boom. Yeah. It's a boomer. And with a boom comes a lot of trash, but not the show. The show is great. The show is good. I'm just saying there's 18 specials coming out every 10 minutes, 47 on the same day. Netflix.

Bananas. Bad news bears. But yeah, I love a, Michelle, I think we talked about it. You know, she's become this hero for women. Yes. And then they forget though, sometimes that she's just a comedian. Right. Right.

So we, they came to our show that we did and like we were playing her farts into the fucking microphone. Oh. Michelle Wolf Ripper. Like this lady in the front is like, what is this? I thought we were going to talk about, you know, women ruling the world. All right. And she's always fun to talk about in a net with.

Oh yeah. Not a fan. Oh, okay. I don't want to give too much away. No. Well, she's fun to talk trash with. She's a great friend, good person and fucking hilarious. So come to the show.

Great comic. Gonna be hot. Anyways, we got, we teased last week because I had to just get my travel out of the way before I could even get to the contents of the destination. Isn't there a more Emerald Isle? I mean, I haven't even gotten into Ireland really. All we talked about was Rory and the travel. All right.

Well, lay it on me, dickless. All right. I have a dick now. I just bought it at. Wow. Discount. Yeah. DiGiorno.

Half off. DiGiorno. Sometimes it's going too fast. I don't even know what we're talking about. I just started to join out there. Also a little sleepy. I haven't slept well. Me neither.

Sarah was like, you were hirking and jerking all night. She's like, you kept twitching and saying stuff. You got the Jimmy legs. I got nightmares, Jimmy legs and Reggie nipples. Maybe you got the, what do you call it, the restless legs in. I don't know. I think I just had bad nightmares. You know,

you got night terrors. Yeah. I had some terrors and some of those too. I'm just writing down things here. Terrorist. Yeah. I had the wacky legs and I was breathing all funny because, you know, I'm just, I'm stressed out.

I get anxiety, of course. And I, like I said, I crossed fucking 11 time zones in six days. So you're all. You're an international man. Wacked out. I got to tell you this Dublin story because I really, I got me too. No. That can be me too.

Someone raped you. Me alsoed. Well, no. Me too. Me too doesn't have to be raped. Grope. It can be. Well, let me get to it.

Can I tell my story? Well, I got grope recently too. So that's why I'm trying to, I'm trying to bond. You're disconnecting me from my story and I find it very misogynistic. Oh, easy there, Tranny. I need the floor. I've been me alsoed. All right.

Well, talk to me. Time's up. Woo. We're all going to get kicked right out of the business someday. Oh yeah. It's a done deal. Well, I'm out there in Dublin in the Emerald Isle City of Brotherly Love. Yes.

The small dick redheaded stepsister. They beat him. And I'm out there at the tent, the Vodafone Comedy Festival. If you have the means next year, they always book someone. If you're a comedy fan, go to Dublin. Go to the festival. Yeah. Because it's a great fest because it's not taken over the city.

You can still go see the city. Yes. But you can go watch the show. So I highly recommend it to any comedy fan, especially those in the Ireland and the UK. It's basically in one park. All in one park. Multiple tents. Some tents hold 300.

Some tents hold 2,000 or whatever. Yes. 800 is the big one. 800. And there's bars all over and dancing and stilts and shit like that. Yeah. Good fun. And the 800 cedar.

I ate my fucking penis. Is that right? Well, as well as once where I was killing it for 80 people, but there was 800 there. Yeah. Like, I was like killing for a nice coffee shop audience, but the rest were just staring at me waiting for Tommy Tiernan to blow their tits off. He is a killer. He's a killer.

All right. So anyways, I went there and we all had, all the Americans had one show that we just didn't do great. I said, I went two for three with two doubles and I struck out looking where it was just like, whoa. Yikes. That was bad. And I had to put my head down and walk back to the dugout.

Little chin music. Yes. So I was out there for him and why then we mentioned him last time that guy is hilarious. Funny cat. Yeah. Super funny. He had some great bits. That was like a great discovery.

I'd never seen him. I'd hung with him. Never seen him. He's really funny. Check him out. He did a Conan. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

For him and wall. He'll blow up. He'll be a name. I hope so. He's a funny dude. A nice, nice pie. So we're on the show together in one of the tents at the Vodafone Comedy Festival and there's a guy hosting.

Let's say his name. But he was a celebrity over there, I guess. Colin Farrell. No, no, no. Not a celebrity over there. I see. Colin Farrell is a celebrity over here. Oh, yeah.

But I guess he's from there. Certainly. OK. But you got a point there. So this guy, he's a big there, I guess. Nice guy. Met him. Sweet guy.

Just he's kind of goofing around. He's a whack job backstage. He's funny. He's gooky. Bombing. No, no. He's doing OK. He's doing well.

We had a local cat who was dying up there. He didn't listen that well. I was hanging out with Faheem. We're chatting. And then Faheem's going on first. And the guy's doing his business and getting wacky and silly. And then he goes, oh, I forget the first bloke's name. You're done.

And he goes, what's your name? And he walks over the side of the stage and then holds the microphone because the backstage is just like a little, there's like a black sheet protecting the side stage. And then Faheem's like, what is this? He's just waiting to go on. Yeah. And it's in a foreign country. He's anxious.

And then also the host is there being like, what's your name? And he's like, what? What are you saying? And he's like, just tell him your name. And he's like holding the microphone to him. And he's like, Faheem Anwar. Oh, boy. And the guy's like, all right, Faheem.

All right. Thank you. Sorry about that. That's weird. And he goes out just a couple of minutes. And he's like, I forgot again. Oh, my God. Forget your name again.

He comes back. He's like, just say it again. And the guy, and Faheem's like, it's Faheem. Faheem Anwar. And he goes, oh, all right. This guy, folks, he's going to blow the roof off this place. And I don't mean in a bad way. Uh-oh.

He's doing like a terrorist joke, which is like, all right. Fine. Yeah. So he brings out Faheem. It's a little off-putting. Yeah. You don't want to be introduced. You don't want to be part of the show before you're out there.

Yes. You're ruining the guy's comedy boner here. You're bringing him up too many times. Let me appear. Yes. Just remember the name. Yes. But I guess he's not a host.

He's a big celeb. He's doing it. But whatever the fuck. I'm like, well, don't hire him. They haven't closed the show then. He's like, they're Jeremy Piven. I suppose so. I don't know.

But I think he's a comedian at least. OK. And hadn't meed to anyone that I know of. Uh-huh. I think Piven has. That's why he's in the comedy. Comedy's the fucking gutter of showbiz. It really is.

But anyway, so then now it's my turn to go on. And this guy's yipping and japping again some more. And someone yells out, do the butt pen or butt pen or some sort of dance. Uh-huh. And he goes, oh, the butt pen. And everybody goes, woo! And I go, what's going on here? I asked the other Irish guy that's like, is this guy a celebrity?

What the fuck is this? He's like, he was on Dancing with the Stars. And I go, oh, OK, great. So he's like, who's got a pen? Someone throw me a pen. And someone gives him a pen. And he's like, he's trying to exhibit how he learned how to dance. You got to be so stiff that the pen can stick in your ass.

Uh-huh. And so he's got a pen in his ass. All right. I'm on board. And he goes, someone come here. Joe, and I'm on the south stage. Joe, you're next. Come up here.

I haven't introduced yet. So I'm like, what? Oh, now your cover's blown. He's blowing my cover. And I got to stick a pen in his ass. So I'm like, all right, I'll stick a pen in a guy's ass. I've done that before with some success. I hope you shoved it right in.

Well, I get up there. That's what I thought I was doing. Yeah. I thought I was going to put a bit in his butt. But I come up, and he goes, all right, check this out. And he does like a dance pose. He's all standing upright with his arm out. Like if you're going to dance.

And he's like, I had to learn how to do this. I'll hold all your weight. So I'm like, what is this? Yeah. It's like a fucking improv scene. Oh, yes. No. And there's like 200 people out here.

Yeah. And I'm like, OK. So he's like, put your arms around me. And I was like, I thought I was putting a pen in your butt. Yes. And he goes, no, no. The pen's already in my ass. I put it there myself.

Jesus Christ. So he goes, hang on my arm. So I have my arms. And he's like, now let your body weight go. And I'm like, what is this? I don't know what I'm doing. And so I'm holding it. This is on Twitter, by the way.

A guy videoed it. Oh. It's on the Tuesdays Twitter. This guy sucks. So I hang down. And as I hang down, he grabs my head and pushes it down towards his dick. Like he's forced me to blow him. Oh.

So I like jerked my head away being like, I'm not. You can't meet to me. Right. And I go, what the fuck is this? He's like, mate, hold on to my thing. So I lifted my legs and he carries me across the stage. Is this killing? It's doing OK.

I think even they were like, what the fuck's going on? And I'm like making a face. Like I was going to cry. I felt like Joey Foster in Taxi Driver. This guy's a hack. He's got nothing. It's a little off-putting and silly. I don't know what he does or what he is, but I'm sure he's a great guy.

But fucking, oh, oh, it was annoying. It was annoying. I don't know. I can't think of anything else. But anyway, so then I had to let go, walk off stage, only for him to be like, all right, your next comedian is Joe Litton. I had to come back on again. Wow.

It was so bizarre. I was like, I just got me tooed by the host. I don't even know what that was. This is a weird start. And like, now there's no like, oh, it's I'm already out there. Right. It's just annoying and stupid. I ended up having a fine set.

I did great. All right. Whatever. But it was the worst intro I've ever gotten. But see, if you were a lady, it would have been a whole thing like, would women have to go through as a comedian and da-da-da-da, but with you, which is like, what are you going to do? Yeah, it's frustrating.

But yeah, the video is out there. I'll have to show it to you. It's only like a 10 second video. It doesn't show him trying to make me blow up. But if you ask nicely, I'd do it backstage, but not on stage. Yeah. Can I use that pen? Anyways, that was that.

You throw something out there. I got to gather my thoughts. Yeah. No, that's appalling. I hate this guy. This guy needs to quit the business. He's a star, I guess. Well, don't move to America.

You're not going to make it, buddy. Well, I go right into LA. Oh, OK. Well, let me throw a couple more Dublin's out there. Keep the dubs. Because I got a couple other Dublin's here. I just don't want to hog. And, you know, people will get mad.

Hog, show me your hog. Oh, then this happens. These Irish comics, all so nice, so sweet. There's a lot of English comics and Scottish comics. And they're all great. So I'm telling a couple of negative stories. But most of them were great. But then I'm backstage at Costa's show.

And I got a nice cube. And I'm smoking it. And we're back there. How great is he? Michael Costa. Oh, great guy. Handsome guy. His wife's great.

We had a great time. I love both of them. And so I'm sitting there. And I'm done for the weekend. I'm done for the night. I'm done for the weekend. Because my last show was the early show Saturday. And now this is the late show Saturday.

So you don't have that feeling of, I'm done. I'm just relaxing. It feels so good. And so I'm sitting back there. And I'm rubbing my feet. I got plantar fasciitis. And I'm gay. And then the sketch group comes back.

And they're not even on the show. I'm not on the show either. But this is my friend back here. You know, I feel about these goons in the green room. I don't like it. Especially the sketch crew. Get the hell out of here. What is a second city?

A whole gang comes back. They got a frisbee. Holy mate. Get out of here. And I'm just going, hey, I'm on their ground. So I'm, hey, nice to meet you. How do you do? And then the girl, the woman, she's got a full,

everyone's got a full beer over there. Full pint de roux. Full beard. And I'm sitting, no, full beer. Oh, beer. She'll be on Dancing with the Stars as well. If she had a beard. So I'm sitting there.

Circus. And then she goes, oh, there are my headphones. You matey mock. And I go, oh yeah, headphones. They're sitting next to me. So she leaves over to get her headphones. And just proceeds to dump an entire pint of beer on my leg, my Ted Baker jacket, mind you, and my cellular phone.

Brand new pants that I bought, the very pants I was returning. Yes. The brand new pants I bought for roast battle and a jacket I bought for roast. I'm wearing all new baby. I'm wearing a $400 with the clothing plus a phone that costs nine grand a month. And she just dumps it and she doesn't realize, I'm going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's standing kind of over me. So I can't even move the corner of a couch.

I'm like, beer, you dumping your beer, you dumping your beer. She just thinks I'm singing a jig or whatever. Right, right. And I go, oh, fuck. Now what sucks about this is you can't be like, what the fuck are you doing, you little piece of shit. Exactly. You have to be like, don't sweat it.

Oh, it's fun. And everyone's like, oh, mate, it's all over the couch. The couch is now covered in beer. They're not even on the show. I'm like, get lost. Get out of here. You sketch cunts. Yes.

Go somewhere else. What are you doing back here? There's not even Irish comics on the show. I'm like, just get away from me. Yeah, yeah. But I had to be like, don't sweat it. It's fun. It's like Irish cologne.

And it's like, I don't drink. Now I stink like a fucking IPA. It's the only pair of pants I brought. Just one of those. I hate those things where you can't be like, get out of here, you fucking asshole. Well, was there a, you know, what's the word, some sorrow, some empathy? Yeah. She mostly was just like, it's hard because like, I'm the one outside her.

I'm her friend. So it's more like, oh, like they're more like, remember that? I'm sure they're all like, remember you dumped the beer on the guy? That was flat. Like if you, me and Sam and Mackie, you actually spilled a beer on some guy, you would probably be laughing and pushing each other in the bushes, being like, oh, there's that was. Yeah.

So that means she felt bad, but there was no like, oh God, let me get you a beer or buy you a new pants. It was just kind of one of those. And then they slowly like drifted away. And I was just like, what the fuck? Yeah. And now I'm wet also. Yes.

Like it's not just, you smell it. It's great. I'm fucking soaking wet. Like a fixed 16 ounces of liquid is a lot. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And it's booze too. So it stinks.

It really stunk. And that was frustrating. And then this is the last thing with Dublin. So I had Sunday off. I stayed the extra day because once I'm out there, I just want to be out there. I love Ireland and Dublin and life itself and pussy. And so I was out there. That one had nothing to do with anything else.

I like pussy. Yeah. It's fun. Smell's fun. It's purple and brown and pink. It's a whole disorder of colors. It's a beautiful thing. It's flippy and flappy and wet and alive, but dead.

Yeah. Oh, it's not dead. I hope. You know what I mean? It's like it doesn't do anything. Yeah. But then it does a lot. Yes.

It's the birth of earth or whatever. Well, you know, it just sits there. Good. And I guess it can kegel or whatever, but it's not really moving. But then it does so much. Yeah. It's like, it's really something. It's really impressive.

And it's almost a wound. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's delicious. I love it. Big fan. I mean, it's not always. Sometimes it's milky and creamy and stanky.

That's some bad batches out there. It gets bad breath from time to time. Hey, my ball bag smells like ass and farts. I'm leaning on it. Leaning on the everlasting arms. But anyway, so I got Sunday off and I said, I got to get out of the city. I've spent nine days of my life in this city and I don't drink and I've seen it all around. I've been to the jail.

I've been to the fucking his house and that museum and the whole thing. Did you make an appointment for the jail? I not this time, but I went to the jail last time. Okay. Cause I walked all the way out. There was a whole, we talked about it. Yeah. Fun jail.

But real cool. The whole thing. And then, so then I went down to the Paradise city. I went down to Dalki. Some guys recommended Dalki. Dalki. He was a good and perfect strangers. Well, that's what I kept thinking.

Ah. Darren Dalki. So I went down there and it's where Bono lives in Enya and Van Morrison in the edge. It's like the real rich. It's like sell. It's like a Southern suburb and you can take the dart. Yes. That's their train.

Got it. And so I hop on the subway at Tara street and it's not a subway because it's above ground, but I take the dart, the train all the way down there. And don't you feel good when you go out and you do something by yourself? You really do. I'm really doing it as an adventure because you don't know what's going to happen. You don't know where you could get lost. It's kooky.

And I realize I have quite a bit of like self-hatred because I'm like, you really did it. All this doubt. When I do something, I'm like, you did it. You got in the train and you went to Dalki. Good for you. So I went all the way down there. And I got to tell you, next time you're down there, I highly recommend taking the train ride.

It's about a 45 minute train ride. It's beautiful along the coast. And you're looking out at the Bay of Dublin or Bay of Fundy or Ireland. I don't know what the fuck. Ridge. Bayside High, something. But I went all the way down there and it's just a beautiful ride. I figured it all out on my own.

I felt good. I went to Dalki. Walked around. I went down to this beautiful harbor. There's Dalki Islands, which were inhabited in fucking 800, it's like a thousand years old. And I really, you know what I did? I really spent the time to sit and really imagine the smell and the feel of human beings

just like me, just like you. Down there on Dalki with the sheep and the church and they built this whole thing. No electricity. And I asked myself, what did it sound like? What did it smell like? What did it feel like to come home? What did they do and what was life like? Because it's real.

You forget that with history. People actually were here. You just go, oh wow. People lived here. That's crazy. That's a story. You're like. Live and feelings and thoughts and dreams.

Yes. They were actually here doing it. And then enough people kept fucking for it to keep going and going and still going. I think about that all the time and there was some guy in a castle going, ah, that guy doesn't like me. Yes. Isn't that so weird to think about? Yes, bizarre.

They had the same thoughts as us. I mean, we didn't evolve that much, you know. In sex, like they, I mean, a lot of it was probably rapey back then. Sure. But they were like, I gotta, somehow they knew, like I gotta stick my dick in this pussy and coming it. Yep. And then a baby will come.

How did they figure all that out? And they just kept doing it. It's very, oh, it stinks. All right. You will. Somehow they got it done. So that was really beautiful. I really walked the streets and with history like that, it's not just a thousand years

old. It's also 70 years old. Someone was here in 1935. Right. Someone was here in 1598. Someone was here in 1986. Oh yeah. So that was really fascinating.

And it's really like a beautiful area and it's cool to just look out over the ocean or the bay, whatever the fuck it is. And people were diving. I saw a family of three jumping in the water, his father and his son and daughter. They were diving in the water. It's like 60 degrees, you know. Good times. And then it started pouring.

I got caught in the rain, but I accepted. I just went, oh, I'm poor. I'm like, who cares? You're good at that. I'm wet. It's wet. You can't get wetter than wet. And I have no show.

I'll just be wet. Yeah. You've been wet this whole trip. Yeah. It's very, it's very Irish. I had a nice meal at an old bar and took the train back. Sunday night was great. We talked about Rory last week.

Rory Scoville. Unbelievable. Just a great trip. Great hotel. And one of the, there's nothing more spiritual and rewarding to me than traveling abroad. And as much as I like being with my wife and friends, sometimes being by yourself in another country, you really learn about yourself. Love it.

Love it. You really live. Agree. It's so funny you bring up the thing about the history in the past. I got high two nights ago. Just sitting alone here. My gal is on vacation or whatever. She's at a work thing.

So I've just been sitting here alone, whereas I usually would be out or with her. And I got high, smoked a bunch of weed, and I watched YouTube how the world was created. Oh, wow. And it was just, oh my God, the dramatic music. I was on the edge of my seat. You know, they'd be like, it was very simple. These people are so talented. They can cut the shit down to little information bites.

Yeah. And it's like, all right, it starts in Africa and then it's, you can see it like start to grow and then like, and then they conquered Asia and then Russia started fucking and then the slave trade and then spice was invented and then this and then the Vikings killed everybody. Then Genghis Khan raped my asshole. It was, it's wild. The Genghis Khan, you ever hear that fact about like one in three people somehow can be drawn

back to Genghis Khan? Yes. Yes. Because he raped so many people. We got some Khan in us. Oh yeah. I'm all kinds of Khan. I'm a Khan man.

Yeah. Fucking Rat the Khan. Yeah. Khan. But yeah. Pretty wild. Khan's. All right.

Now we're talking. Yeah. Well, anyways, that's it for Dublin and hopefully I'll be back another time in the mother country and that's where I'm from. Yes. White Africa. I just found a big lumpy zit or something in the back of my head. Oh really?

I don't know if it's a bite or what. Isn't it fun to squeeze and play with? It is, but I can't tell if it's a bite and then I don't want all that zit flam in my hair. You know, you don't want to just have a white snot in your hair. You let it ride. Maybe I'll let it ride, but it might be a bug bite. Let them squeeze in a spider bite.

It's a whole thing. All right. So then you take a 19 hour boat ride to LA. No, that was for I do this Tarantino style. Oh, I got it. I came from LA. You do get some LA going. Let me get some LA cooking.

I'm hogging over here. All right. No, but good stuff. You're at the sheep, the family, the castle, the goop. I didn't name any of those things. All right. So I just want to one more time plug flying to LA. He's Comedy Central.

They're cheap as as fuckers. I don't know what the word. What's a cheap thing? Oh, all those Jews like a classic. I don't want to do that. Cheap is a Meister, Scheister, maybe a Scottish. Are they cheap? That's a big stereotype.

Of course. The Scots. Yeah. Jay Leno never spent any of his money. That's true. He's half Scott. Yes, he is. I'm Scottish, but I'm not cheap.

I'm a idiot. You're a spender. Yeah, I'm stupid. I'm a skweak on the bill, but they don't hold back on the travel. Yes. So we flew out jet blue mint, and I know we talked about it already, but just, I'm in a full bed. I got the food was amazing.

It was like unbelievable food. And you get cookies along the way that milk bar cookie. I didn't do jet blue. I flew American as you know. Oh shit. Sorry. Yeah, but jet blue, I did Netflix. They flew me jet blue.

So I've experienced the jet blue mint. Oh, it's mint, baby. So choice. Yes. You go back to Ferris Bueller. Yeah. Do you speak any English? What country do you think this is?

So get up there. Professional what? Get up there on the mint. The movies are top notch. The screen is top notch. I'm laying down. I got all the shit I need. I got eight water bottles, four outlets, and a blow job.

And I got a big cushy blanket, a big pillow. I'm eating fried chicken with lasagna. They give you like four different, they let you pick three things off the menu, which is insanity. And it's all like from nice restaurants in New York. Then they give you dessert. Dessert was insane. It was like banana fosters, ice cream.

Then you get a milk bar cookie. The cookie was insane. I'm dipping the cookie in coffee while I'm writing roast jokes. I felt like Gordon Gekko. So it was just a great, I didn't want the trip to end. It was like a beautiful flight. I get out to LA, you gain three hours. Yes.

One of the best things in show biz is getting off a plane and getting into a black car. Oh yeah. You go down that escalator because usually you're Ubering or you're like, should I cab it? Oh, maybe Lyft is cheaper. Oh, my Uber's not working. Oh, man, there's surge price. There's all these fucking dilemmas and problems and quirks.

Well, especially LAX. They got like two nine lane roads. Yes. You don't know what's going on. I think I gave him a Frogger. I don't know what's happening there. Exactly. It's a wild scene at LAX.

It's wild. It's bananas. It's kids in cages. It's not lax. I love it. Okay. I love it. Okay.

You said lax it. I have a shit all over the sidewalk. Tweet it. All right. Maybe I will. All right. It's not lax. I like it.

So you get off the escalator. There's a fat Puerto Rican guy with a sign that says Normand with eight D's and an H. I go, great. That's me. I get in. It's like a fucking two hour ride, of course, because I landed at 330. That's brutal city. I'm going to the W hotel in the heart of downtown.

Not the heart of downtown. What is that? The heart of Hollywood. Yeah. Hollywood, baby. Tinseltown. La La Land. Yep.

So you're just like, oh my God. I'm in this hotel. I'd shower up. I texted old Adam, who books the comedy store. Oh yes, Adam. Who you may know from Norm McDonald's podcast. He's the sidekick. Uh-huh.

He's the comedy store booker. Text him. He goes, come on by. It's a seven o'clock show. They'll throw you on. It's Friday night. Friday night at the store, baby. Wow.

So I get an Uber. I go down sunset. Beautiful. The sun is still out. I get to the store at like 6.55. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm like, yeah, I just did the Tonight Show. I'm out here to do TV.

You get that ego boost going for a second. Feels good. Feels good. But then again, you go to a comedy club and everything gets shot back down. You forget. You're nobody. Because the club has their own hierarchy. They've got their own ecosystem.

Yes. You know what I mean? They don't even notice you. They don't notice you. They're walking right by. Oh, hey, there's Domingo Fernandez or whoever the fuck. Yes. He's good.

I couldn't think of one comedian. I made up Domingo Fernandez. I liked it. I think he's a baseball player. Sounds like it. But yeah, so I get there and I go, hey, I'm Mark Norman and the box office chick was like super hot. I was like, I don't know.

What does that mean? Are you here to see? Who are you here to see? Do you have tickets? I'm like, no, no. I'm a comedian. They go, oh, get in line, dickless. And I'm like, oh, and I look back as a line of 30 people around the block.

It looks like last comic standing tryouts. So they're like, you're here for this show? I'm like, yeah. They're like, OK, who'd you bring? And I go, what do you mean bring? I brought my jokes, baby. And she goes, it's a bringer show. Ah.

And I go, oh, man, they put me on the bringer. What the hell? I got visions of grandeur. Is it visions? I think so. Yeah. Delusions. Delusions.

Delusions of grandeur. Yeah. Grand jury. You're losing me. My grand jury. I'm going to be in the main room, you know, hobnob with Rogan and the other guy. Domingo. Domingo Fernandez.

But no, it's just me in there. The bringer show. Everybody else has got 13 friends. I'm all alone. That's probably where Domingo is at the bringer. Probably. So I go up to the host. He's just like this funny black guy, cool guy.

And he's like, oh, yeah, you didn't bring anybody. So we're going to have to throw you on first. And I go, what? Come on. Like, I got TV credits. I got an hour special. I'm gay. I hate myself.

I whine so much that he goes, all right, all right, you pussy. And he puts me on second. That's not bad. It's not bad. But I'm still like, what the fuck? I went from the top of the mountain to the, you know, under the toilet. So. Is the toilet at the mountain?

No toilet at the mountain. Toilets in another town. So. Toilet town. Tinsel town. Tinsel toilet. So. That'd be nice.

That's nice. All right. All right. All right. All right. Where are we now? I don't know what's happening. You're on second.

So this girl goes up. She's hosting. It's a bringer show. So everybody's new and green. I hosted. He was the producer. Oh, I see the producer. I might have said host.

Sorry, but he's put it all together. He's the man in charge. I got you. So the first guy goes up, you know, funny guy, nice guy. Then I go up and I do okay. You know, it's like a lot of people are like, who is this? What are we doing? Where's my friend?

When's my daughter going on? I hate this guy. And I do some, you know, edgy or quote unquote stuff. So they hate me a little bit. But then I get them back and I close strong. And you know, you get off here like, what the hell was that? All right. And now I got people coming up because now they have, they caught wind.

You remember what it was like to be a young, like a six month in comic. And they're like, you did this. You've done Conan. Who books that? Can I get a number? Where you live? And they're being extra nice to me. Oh, of course.

It's all over the world. I remember Paul Nardizzi was the first guy I ever saw. He had been on Conan. It blew my mind. Mind blowing. And I went on after him and I was like, they put the worst guy after the best guy. And then I came off and already January, I was like, don't ever say the worst guy. I said, why would you do that?

Yeah. And I was like, wow, I wanted them to know. He's like, think about what you're doing. Yeah. Why don't you tell the audience that you stink? All right. All right. You had reverence.

You had this guy's bigger than me. Yeah. I'm going to say it. But yeah, I feel the same way. So whatever. So I got a little, I got a little stank on me. I had a decent set at a bringer show. You know, I thought it was going to be the main room.

So let me just walk around a little bit. I'm starting to talk to the comics there. It's Friday night. I go into the main room. A couple of comics on Kyle Dunnigan's on, who I love. Love Dunnigan. Love Dunnigan. One of the funniest guys on the planet.

He goes on. He does that thing where he goes, I just don't feel funny tonight. You ever have that? I'm like, yeah. What are you kidding? I just bombed at a bringer. And he's like, all right. He goes on.

He has an OK set. Then he brings out Rogan. Wow. Rogan. The whole place sold out. It's like 350p. It's like Carolines, basically. Yeah.

The whole place sold out. Rogan goes on. The place goes, fuck it. Ape shit. They're all there to see him. And he had a half hour. He probably did about a half hour of 35. Killer.

Really? Killer. I was in the back like, this is fucking brilliant. I don't want to give away any of the material, but I'll tell you. Some of the shit later he was talking about. Wow. The premises alone were like, oh, that's good. No kidding.

But you could really see like the weed smoke going in. Like he had some way out there ideas. Interesting. He was like, you know, I've never been a huge, he wasn't like on my list of guys. But after seeing that, I'm like, this guy has really crossed the border. Interesting. Wow. It was really, it was really something to see and very impressive and nice to watch a guy

just rip open a room like that. They're there to see him. So they knew him. They got him. It was killer. Wow. Yeah. So that was fun.

So that was my L.A. That was my Friday night. Now I'm hanging out at the store. So you get a couple comics you see there. Oh, I know that guy. So they start handing you some, some libations. I'm not sure what that means. Alcohol.

Oh, cocktails. Cocktails, folks, and dreams. Blink, blink, blinkety-blink. Yeah. So I'm putting a few back, you know, you're just standing around. So you're like, I might as well drink. Yeah. You know, when you're standing around in a new place, you're the foreigner.

Yes. So that's why forters drink so much, I guess. So I'm just pounding booze. Domingo. And eventually. Domingo's a real boost pack. Yeah. You know those forters.

So I gotta, I gotta fucking, I gotta get home. I have a roast battle tomorrow. What am I doing? So I, I Google on my phone nearest Chipotle. Uh-huh. And it says 48 minute walk. Yes. And I go, fuck it.

And I do the walk. Wow. And I make it just in time. I do the whole thing. It's like 9.50. We're like 10, because it closed at 11. It was 10.50. It was on Hollywood and Vine.

Wow. And I go, I'll be quick. I know that one. I'll be quick. Yeah, you've probably been there. I have a bunch. Yes. And she's cleaning the windows.

You know, it's closing time, baby. Closing time. And I go, I'll be quick. I'll be quick. So now they get me the burrito. They're scowling at me. They hate me. And I go, ah, I'm sorry.

And I go, she goes, all right, you want a drink? I'll have a water cup and I'll be quick. I'll be in and out. She gives me the water cup. I hand her a Chipotle card. She goes, oh, just take it. Really? Just take it.

Yeah. I think she was just like, I don't want to deal with that. I want you out of here. But it was a great moment. Oh, nice. I got a free burrito. I got the guac on there. I got the whole nine, the pork.

And I sit down. Now it's like 6.56, 6.57. So I'm plowing this down. A family of like eight Germans come in. Oh, wunderbar. They hated them. Oh, I bet. But I was on cloud nine.

I'm like, well, I can kick my feet up. Now I can watch the Super Bowl. Right. I mean, I got all the time in the world. And they were furious. Because if the Europeans, they didn't even get it. They were like, what is this now with the, with the pico de They were like, so not only do I have to serve these cunts,

they also have to help them. Yeah. And the kids are like, mommy, what is this? That's a fajita, son. I don't know why he's American now, but you get it. So that was a wacky time. And I got out of there. I finished my meal and I went to the W hotel.

Quite a hotel, might I say. Very hip. You get out of that black thing. They say, hey, welcome to Hollywood. That feels good. Huh? You get out of the car. Yeah.

I thought you meant the host. So producer. I got in the producer. I got in the W hotel is eight DJs going. There's a chandelier. There's a punch bowl. There's kids in a weird, sparkly outfits. I don't know who's trans, who's up, who's down, who's black,

who's white. It's bananas over there. This is weird because we were there. You were there the last night of taping. We were there the first night. Yeah. So we were there on Tuesday and it was like one guy playing the trumpet and like a sad lady that's probably his wife

sitting there crying, drinking a coffee. This is Friday night. There's three midgets on a donkey going through a hoop of fire. And there's a DJ. There's Cirque du Soleil in the background. Everybody's got a clipboard. I couldn't get to my room. I had to go buy a velvet rope and buy some cocaine.

That seems nice. It was a lot of money. But yeah, there's a roof party. There's a pool party. There's a DJ party. It's a ton of shit going on in that W. Yeah. We have different experiences.

Yeah. I finally get back to my room. I go, ah, I got to go to bed. And on my way to my room, I realized I don't have a charger. Damn it. I didn't bring a charger to L.A. So my phone's running out. I just forgot a charger.

The Los Angeles Chargers. There you go. What is it? Nissan? Nissan. Charger. Oh, Dodge Charger. Dodge.

Yes. That's what I was looking for. That was a 66. Yeah. So I go, I pass out. I wake up. I go, oh my God, it's 10 a.m. It's 11 a.m.

I got to write roast jokes. Oh, God. We're going to finish these roast jokes. So now I text you. I go, ah, I'm freaking out. I hate myself. And you had a good, you had good advice. Oh, did I?

You said you should say the roast jokes into your phone and then listen. Yes. I'm a big fan of that. Yeah. It's like learning lines, you know. Right. You have to memorize this shit. No one thinks about that.

Oh, you got a lot to write. You got a lot to write. You got a lot to write and memorize and not flub. It's a ton of work. Yeah. And you act a little easier because there are more like your thoughts and feelings in your acts. Exactly.

But a roast joke is like a thing. Right. Right. It's a little piece that you have to put out there into the world on television. Yeah. So you don't want to do it. You don't want to do it. You don't want to go, ah, I'll just say it.

I don't need to record it. But you do. Then you listen to it. You go, oh, man, that had 18 us in it. That had 14, what else is going on? You know, 16, you know, nine. I'm right. Right.

You know, right. This guy knows what I'm talking about. It's all filler bullshit. So that really helped me. And then I go downstairs because I want to get a bite. No, I go to the gym. I go to the gym. I pump iron.

By the way, the gym on a Saturday in LA is a big mistake. Oh, I bet. I mean, it's just a bunch of hotties in there, men, women. You can't get a bench. You can't get a curl. You can't get a fucking twist or a pull, anything. So I finally finished in the gym. It took like two hours because I couldn't get the bench.

And I finally get back. I'm walking down the hallway. Wow. How about this? I'm excited. Oh, I fucking left the thing out. Damn it. I'm walking down the hallway.

There's the big cart of the maids. Oh, the maid cut. What do you call them? Is it made? Is that still appropriate? I think it's the maid or the entrepreneur. Yeah. Sandusky.

Migrant worker. I don't know. Domingo. So, Fernandez. Poverize. So I see the cart and on the cart, they have two carts. They have the towel, lotion, toilet paper, sheet changing cart. Okay.

Then they have the, what do you call the thing with the mini bar? Oh. What do you call that? The wet bar? The hoof. The mini bar. Yeah. So they got the mini bar stock up.

Oh, wow. So they got to replace shit. Yes. So I'm walking by and I look in and I see, you know, Roberta in there. And she's, you know, wiping jizz off a dresser. And I go, huh? And I just snag a charger off the cart. Oh, nice.

And I beeline for my room. And then I close the door and I go, oh man, that was close. And then they go, excuse me, excuse me. And I go, what? They go, do you need room? I go, get the fuck out of here, you dirty whore. So she left. Thank God.

Nice charger. I think you didn't take any booze. I mean, I'm okay. I'm already hungover. I got a show tonight. That's what I thought this was going. No, no, I got my charger. But that, that's, they're $40.

In the, in the room. Oh, you know what you can do with the old trick we've talked about? You go down to the front desk and say, anyone leave a charger? I tried it. I tried it. Didn't work. I took your advice on that. I've tried it.

It's not worked once. Really? And I've tried it. One time they had like a galaxy or some shit. Oh, galaxy. Get out of here. Samsung, whatever you want to go. Gaming system.

Get out of here with your galaxy. I'm really pushing it with the, the stealing. I stole from the airport. I stole before my mint flight, which has a big meal and snacks. And I stole a granola bar and a cup of soup. Wow. Cup of soup. That's tough to steal.

Tough to steal. Was it running? Was it spilling over the sides? No, no. This is my move. You know what? JFK, they got that big like self-serve bar. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Nice take from them all the time. Oh, do you? Oh, you got it. Yeah. That's important. It's important. Yeah.

You got to steal their fucking us. I'm doing the Lord's work. Yeah. They got a scrambled egg for 11 and a half bucks. I don't think so. Exactly. What is it? You forgot to scan one.

Oh. Yeah, you got a cranberry juice and a couple of eggs. You forget to scan the cranberry. And I got a Thai magazine shoved in my ass like the fucking guy from Dublin. Butt pen. Yeah. Faheem. So what I do, I fill up the soup.

You know, it's like a little cup thing with a lid on it. Yeah. And I just see the line and I just kind of walk around the line and just keep walking. Yeah. You got to like, you kind of castans it. You look all frustrated and tired, like your jet lag and your layover. You got to kind of go, oh God, I'm fucking wet. Right.

That way if they stop you, you go, what? Exactly. Oh, geez. I don't even. Sorry. I'm fucking crazy. I'm old. I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm rich. I just, I got plenty of money. I'll give you extra money. I'm just cookie. I had a nine hour flight. My mother died twice. Exactly. But you know how they say, like when you work for something, it feels so good.

Like when you, you save up and you, you mow a bunch of lawns and wash a bunch of houses and paint shit. You buy a car. It means more. Yeah. I feel that way when I steal, I was eating that soup and then like, like six terminals down. Like, oh, it's the best soup in my life.

Yeah. It feels good. It feels good. I got them. Because you save some money. You're saving up. I'm saving up. But then I got greedy.

I'm at terminal nine now, way far down. And there's like a little Hudson news. Yeah. And I stole a protein bar. Oh boy. I got a pro. I got a cup back. I'm getting greedy.

And that's when you get caught. Yep. All right. So you go now. Because I was hugging with my bullshit there. No. Well, I was in LA before you. Also for roast battle, which airs tonight.

Yes. My wife and I roasted each other. We haven't spoken since. It's on tonight. Comedy Central 10 PM or check your local listings or fuck your dad in the ass, do whatever you want. But it's on there tonight. East Coast at least.

I think it's 10 PM. I was watching it last night. We're recording now on a Wednesday. Yeah. But it's out tonight. Sarah and I roast battled. And immediately the first instinct is to be like, no, I don't want to do that. And I thought I couldn't because I was going to Ireland.

But then I thought, you know, my wife, she should be doing TV. You know what I mean? Like, I mean, TV benefits everybody, of course, but I'm like, I don't want to just say no because it's a it's a group deal. So they approached you. Yeah. They said, well, do you guys want to, they wanted to have a married couple and we each have a relationship with Comedy Central, of course.

Sarah did Adam divine. I did a half hour fucking nine years ago that 11 people saw 9 11. People forgot about this though. But anyway, and I got an album called are you mad at me available right now? Go get it on Comedy Central records as do you. Still got it. And I still have it. And the other one.

Don't be yourself. Oh, is that Comedy Central also? Yeah. Oh, wow. How about that? Yeah. Well, anyways, so Comedy Central, they wanted a married couple. They wanted to do a family episode of husband, wife, that's Sarah and I, and then the Sklar

Brothers. Oh, Randy and Jason. Yes. Funny cats. Funny twins. Jason has glasses. Randy doesn't. Thank God for those glasses.

Yep. Got to love them. And they were great. So anyways, we did it. And I said, you know what? What the hell? I'm just going to have to fly, which we talked about last week. I'm going to have to fly it from LA to Dublin in a day.

It'll suck. But let's do it. Let's get us on TV. It'll be a good vehicle. And so we went out there. Of course, the flight was delayed, so we lost a whole night in Hollywood. We got there. We ended up walking around Amoeba Records, which is one of the great record stores in

the world. Still hanging on. But that Stanley Kubrick book there, I bought some Jack Johnson DVD, a couple other accoutrements. Nice. So fun little night. We were exhausted. You bang. You fucking sit there.

And then nice Tuesday. We were on Tuesday, I think it was. And we had a nice Tuesday's Mysteries. We had a nice day. We walked around. We went down to Hollywood, right by the Hollywood Improv, where our show will be October 30th. Yes. There's a juice spot right there.

I had a nice juice. Then we walked all the way down to the farmers market over there, the Grove. Did some shopping. I bought a new Ted Baker. I got to buy a Ted Baker on TV day. Yeah. You're hooked. It's a thing.

It's part of my... Dementia. Yeah. And then Sarah dropped her phone, broke it right in front of the Apple Store. It was kind of like, wow, we're already here. It's got it fixed. That's neither here nor there. Is that free?

Nah. I think it was free. Well, she didn't crack the screen. She jarred the fucking card loose. It said no sim. But the guy popped it out, put a sim back in, gave her a little dinner blood and fingered her butt. And she was fine.

Very simple. Simple minds. But anyway, it's nice little day. Walked around and ended together. Three o'clock call time over there. And now you start to get a little anxious because you're doing TV. You did all that pre three? Yeah.

We got up early because we were on the East Coast time. So we're all whack-a-doodle. That's impressive. Well, because fucking you're on the East Coast time. So like I wake up at 10, it's seven o'clock in LA. All right. So we went out and we had Chipotle, burrito and the whole thing. Then we're back at the hotel and then you start to get anxious.

But we kind of worked on our shit together. We just ran them like lines. You know, she'd say mine. I'd say her. I don't know if I'm supposed to be saying this, but whatever. It worked out. And we had some, we wrote the jokes together. We had some help from our friends.

Our buddy Tom Dustin is one of the funniest guys in the world. He wrote some great jokes. We sent him a check. Steve Rogers wrote one. Sean Sullivan. A few people, we had a few people helping us out. You sent checks? I sent checks.

Wow. What a guy. I'm a payer. Checks mix. Yeah. You got to pay. I mean, they're doing work. It's hard.

I agree. Hi, Venmo. All right. No one's actually cutting a check with an envelope. Well, Tom, I cut a check for him. He's a Venmo. This guy's a cool. He's living in the 17th century.

That's true. He's got a rotary. Oh, yeah. He's living on Dalky Island with the sheep. So I wrote him a check. But anyways, we had him. We ran the lines. We had some good stuff.

Very excited. And then it's time to shoot. It's getting time. You're getting nervous. Todd Barry's there and Brendan Walsh is there. They're roasting each other. Then the naked guys are roasting each other, which I think will be online only. Wow.

Who's that naked? Wow. We'll see. I can't remember. It was Keith Carey, I think. Oh, he's gross. And somebody. Very funny guy.

The hell of a roaster. I forget their names. We didn't even see it because we had just got off stage. But anyway, so you're walking around and it's almost like a festival because there's comics around. But then you're also nervous and everyone's bouncing their jokes up each other. Everyone's anxious. And it's not just like you're doing your act.

You're doing jokes for the first time ever in front of a television audience. And judges. And judges. And it's also like, let me just say this, this is a difficult time for men to be roasting women. Oh, yeah. It's not really working out well in the zeitgeist to be like, look at this fat cunt. Right.

I'm doing me too jokes. I'm a little nervous, quite frankly. I don't blame you. And not to mention it's weird because like it's your wife. You guys wrote this shit together. You should be able to say whatever the fuck you want. I know. And she's in on the joke.

I mean, she thinks it's funny and fun and we've got approval from each other. But it's, I mean, at this time tomorrow, I might be out of the fucking business. I'm a little nervous. I mean, you got the gig. That's so silly. You're trying to help your family. We'll see. But I mean, I made me two jokes and I'm talking about her pussy smelling and the whole thing.

But she was making fun of me, obviously, too. But where's the equality that you're treating her like a person, you know, you got to be nicer because she's a woman. Isn't that condescending? Well, I don't want to get mad. I don't want to get mad about backlash that hasn't happened yet, but I'm nervous about it. Well, something, someone will tweet one.

Someone's going to get upset. So I'm yelling at that one person. Yeah. Well, I mean, who knows what the fuck. Ended up being great, but it's very nerve wracking because again, you're doing these jokes. They're not tried out. They're not tried. Sure.

And then you're on TV. There's cameras going and everything's lit because it's TV. So it's very nerve wracking. Jezal Nexa hose judge and Nikki, who's a friend of ours. We love and Jeff's like the sweetest guy in the world, Jeff Ross. And you know, so we have fun. We go out there and we kind of ripped it. I think, I mean, I'll see how it looks.

Sarah fucking murdered. She was in the pocket, killed her jokes, a killer. And I felt pretty good. You know, I flubbed a line of course. I'd flubbed a line every time I do television hate a flub and Netflix. But anyway, so I flubbed a lot, but we had fun. Great time. We come off and you know, then you're like, you just want to bang because you were hot

out there. That was great. Yes. It's a thousand degrees out there. Fun time hung out with Chris Walsh after and Sabina, we went out to dinner and it was great. Nothing too story-ish. You'll see it all tonight.

Uh-huh. And it will keep. I know. I can't watch. I'll never look at it. But I was watching last night's episode and they showed a preview and I'm like, oh my God, I look terrible. I'm ridiculous.

Oh, really? What's she doing? But it's on tonight. You can check it out. Tweet nice things because we're very anxious about it and I don't know. I regret the whole thing, but it was also fun. It's hard. It just pulls you everywhere.

I didn't sleep all night because I'm like, I should have said this. Should I said that? Should I even be doing this? What am I doing? Yes. It's not good. It's a soul for the psyche. You're out there vulnerable on television getting insulted by another person and maybe insulted

by the judges and maybe booed by the crowd. There's so many options and layers and these kids, like you say, Keith Carey, he's got to get naked to get on television. That's how bad we want to get on TV, folks. We just want to show you we're talented fuckers, but it's a horrible scenario. I talked to like, you talked to Nate Burgazzi or something like, why would I ever do that? What are you saying? Well, my act, it's a little integrity.

Well this was frustrating too is that with the movement stuff, which I'm happy about the movement. It's good women. Love the movement. But it's tough for a roast because everything I say, all the women go, so I'm trying to set up a joke. I'm like, boy, Sarah, we got married. She didn't take my last name and like 10 women are like, yeah, and I'm like, can I just tell

my joke? Yes. And then everything I say, they're like, oh, and then they should just sort of like, yeah. It's like this weird thing of like, just let us, here's the thing that bothered me with the taping and she was great and I was good, I would say. But like, here's the thing that's frustrating with the taping is that, oh God, I lost my fucking trailer. See, I'm even talking about it.

It's too much. It's a lot, man. I'll never do it again. I'm thinking about it. But they shouldn't do it in LA. They should do it in like Tampa, Florida or somewhere because the crowd is not laughing at our taping. Maybe they'll juice it up or maybe they were and I just didn't notice.

But like, I was watching the sclars and every joke they have is so killer, but the crowd is either goes, oh, that's what they're doing. I'm like, these are jokes. Yes. You should be laughing or not laughing. Well, you're in woke central and you got it. You're right. You go to Tampa or Philly or somewhere with some fucking pirates in it.

Yeah. They're just skanks, but, oh man, I talked to the sclars after and they mentioned you. Oh, really? And they were like, yeah, Joe and Sarah had great stuff, but the crowd got weird on certain things and they were like, we feel lucky because you're just basically roasting a mirror. Right, right. So there's no like hierarchy or sexism or race or whatever. It's just two exact replicas.

You know what was strange about them? I thought they missed an opportunity. Their jokes are made. They did like 90. Those guys are brilliant. Brilliant, Joe. They don't get the credit. No, but I thought it was weird.

I thought if I was one of them, I would have done a hundred percent looks jokes. That would have been funny. I figured they did. No, they didn't. They just did it better jokes than that, but it would have been funny to me to be like, he's so ugly because they look identical. That would be great. I was like, I thought that was kind of strange or at least one.

What do you do? Hey, your wife's a twat? I mean, you'll see tonight. Watch it tonight. I mean, it was so good. They were so good, but I was sitting backstage and I was just like, why are people, this should be killing. Oh yeah.

Instead, it's just like, it's almost like the fucking Merv Griffin show on Seinfeld. He's like, whoa. Right. Right. It's like Jerry Springer. Yes. That's a better example. Yeah.

I hate it. Everybody's scared now. We can't laugh at this. This is triggering. Oh, shut up. No one has a fucking, no one has their own opinion anymore. We're just like, what's the, what's the general pop thing? All right.

That's what I'm going with. I don't want to get fired. Right. But it was fun. I mean, Sarah was great. I felt good. I mean, we had fun and the day was like amazing. It's so fun doing TV with your wife.

We had a great day. That's beautiful. And then afterwards it's such a relief. And I think, I think it'll work out well. I hope. I mean, I'm nervous, but also excited. And it's fun to be on stage with your wife on TV. So we had a good time and there was great jokes and it was fun telling them.

And I thought she looked great. So I'm excited. It was, it was, it was good. Ultimately it was fun, but it's a lot of fucking stress. It was like two days of like not sleeping well and be like, oh, what if I had said this? I should have done that joke. Why did I put that joke in there? What am I doing?

Tell me about yours. Well, pretty much the same. Me and my wife went out there. No, I, I don't know, I had a rough, rough go. You'll see it. I think I come out of it maybe a week after you, but yeah, let me, let me see if I got it all. I just want to make sure.

Yeah. So went out there. Terrified. I was trembling. I was so nervous because like Kurt, Kurt Metzger is who I went up against. He's like a Emmy award-winning brilliant writer. Like I'm a fan of his. Right.

He's such a comic. He's such an original, unique, weird mind that I'm like, this guy's going to wipe the floor with me. I watched some of his YouTube. He had some YouTube clips of roasting me at certain places like Saint Germain's roast or Yannis or whatever the hell it was. And he's great. He's so funny.

He's killing with shitting on me. So I'm just like, oh, I'm terrified. I felt like Daniel's son going up against Cobra Kai. Right. This guy's a pro and I'm a weakling. So I really worked on this hard, but you know, you're out there hanging out and, and you watch the battles before you and I felt like there was a lot of weird calls and a lot of weird wins.

And I was like, that was strange. I don't know why they chose that or whatever. So I'm in the backstage with Kurt. I'm like, I just want to get this over with. I'm so nervous. It was like, it was like three o'clock fist fight, like by the, by the bicycle rack. We're going to kick your ass. That's what it felt like.

And it's everything in your body is telling you, don't go out there. Don't do this. This is stupid. And you just, the gate opens and you puff a smoke and you go out there and then you're like, all right, well now that I'm out here, I got to be funny. And so that's a whole other thing. And now Jeff Ross is talking to me and your whole brain is going, whoo, like you get really thick.

It's like when you get hit in the head with a baseball, you're like, you're kind of frozen and wiggly for a minute. The whole time I'm wiggly. Then Pete Davidson's there. He's zinging me. I'm like, I didn't know this guy hated me. And then, you know, Kurt says a joke. I say a joke.

And the whole thing's a blur, but eventually we were done and I got everything out clean, which I couldn't believe. I had no fun. I had no delivery. I had no pizzazz up there because I'm just, I'm just a vehicle just trying to get these words out, which that's not comedy. No, it's not fun. Comedy is all personality.

Comedy is you. It's all your opinion, your point of view. It was none of that. So I'm not going to say who won. I'm not going to say this, but it was a, it was a tense, tense battle. I got off and although I had a few friends there, they were like, that was really uncomfortable. Like it wasn't like that was great. Good job.

They were like, that was, whoo boy. Which is a horrible thing to hear. Yeah. It's really tough. It's why I just want to do a roast that we did at the creek with Nate and Yannis where it's an actual roast and just friends and you go, whoa, this is crazy. But then you sit there and you think, like, why am I doing this? Like I'm just, in a way you're just kind of feeding the people who like Jeff Ross, you're

like, he's getting more out of this than I am. Right. But some, you go back and forth because you get paid well, you flew out, jet flew, that's nice and it's a memory and you know, I don't know, it's fun and people, some of you will see it at some exposure, you know, maybe you get a new fan and right. I mean, for me, like I said, I want it like Sarah to be seen and like she's so great and not people know her.

So it helped. Yeah. Yeah. For me. You did that for Kurt. Yeah. Exactly. Well, all right.

So then, you know, we, we, we go to the after party and of course I have a few cocktails but my pickup is at five 30 in the morning. Yeah. Same here. Yeah. Brutal. So I go, well, I got the mint. I got the mint.

So now it's like two, now it's three. I'm talking to all these people. Amber Nelson and me are hanging out. I love Amber. I love the group out there, but it's still weird. Like I don't want to, I see Nikki and Anthony. I'm like, I don't want to go talk to them. I feel like we just judged each other.

It's very odd. I don't know. I'm in my head. So I leave them alone and everybody's bugging them. I talked to the sclores for 10 minutes and then I walk home and now it's like four in the morning. So I'm like, what do I do here? Do I just take the nap, wake up at five, brush my teeth and go, what, what the hell do I

do here? So I just donk out at like 4.30, wake up at five, get in the black car, go to the thing, I get on the airplane, I'm in the mint. I'm like, all right, I'm going to sleep this whole five and a half hours, baby. But the mint is so good, you don't want to fall asleep. Yes. You're missing the chicken and the business. I have a woman next to me who has a kid and her husband is behind me holding the kid.

And that kind of ruined everything because she kept being like, are you good, like leaning over me? Like, here's your juice box. I'm like, God, I've been minted. I'm miserable. I hate that. I'm on a half hour sleep. I want to kill myself.

I finally fall asleep. I wake up, I'm loopy. I look up, the husband is holding the baby in front of me. It's Bobby Cannavale. Who the fuck is that? What do you mean? He's a great actor. He's in a ton of stuff.

Oh, I know who you're talking about. I think he's on Louie, actually. The Woody Allen thing. He's on the Woody Allen movie. Yes. He's in a lot of Woody Allen movies and another couple of movies. He's a great actor. No kidding.

And he's like, you know, he's kind of like a beefy, like Italian guy. Yeah, I know him. Yeah, yeah. I thought you had the fucking sippy cup. What the fuck, you know? And the wife's like, I don't know. She's like a hot blonde. Wow.

And so I'm like, whoa. It's so weird. Like I wake up, I'm zoned out and I'm like, that's Bobby Cannavale holding a baby. Like it's super cookie. That's crazy. I got a blanket on. I look like Teddy Roosevelt. It's insane.

I got a, you know, a weird food. I got quinoa and a smoothie and I'm looking at Bobby. So I kind of like come to and I got my earbuds and my ear pods and I got my douchey neck pillow. Oh God. So I look like an idiot. I got a blanket on a neck pillow, ear pods, my hair is frizzy. I got a Bobby Cannavale.

So I go, I got a pee. I get up. I push everybody out of my way. I go in the bathroom. Now the neck pillow sits right under the ear. Yes. Now I'm peeing and I'm all frothy and wacky and I'm looking down at my dick and my whiz of watching it go into the toilet.

That's good. And I kind of do like a shoulder shrug and the neck pillow goes up with my shoulder, hits the air pod, air pod I watch it in slow motion, fall into the piss soaked urine water. And then I go, I have 1800 thoughts at once. I go, that's going to just swoop right down and land in Guam or wherever the fuck we're over, or it's going to hit the rim and miss, or I could reach out and catch it, or I could knee it, or I could just do this and that. And I did nothing.

It hit the water and I dug my hand in there and that piss in the blue water. It was, it was yellow. Oh really? It wasn't that airplane jet blue blue? No, it wasn't. It was, it was only like about a half a cup of water in there. Oh, interesting. Yeah, it's low flow.

It's low flow. Yeah, that's not from the footage I've seen. So I grabbed the air pod and I just, I dry it off and I treat it like a little kill. I'm like, are you okay? But now you've got pissy ears. I put it right back in my ear. Oh, you got piss on your ear, Joe. And it worked.

Wow. And I went back and slayed down and watched Heller High Water and went to bed. Oh, one of my favorites. I like the idea that if it goes in the toilet, it just falls at the bottom of the plane. That's what I was thinking. Like our piss is just shooting out the sky. Is it not? I don't think the piss goes everywhere.

I think it does. You're over the ocean. No, I think it's a septic system. By the way, L.A. in New York, there's no ocean, my friend. Yeah, that may be for a moment. There's a lake. Great one. But the fun to just piss on Montana.

Oh, yeah. Fuck Montana. Shit all over. Utah. Tom Brady. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. We're going to climb out of this mess.

Oh, geez. All right. So where are you going to be there? I don't even know anymore. Well, this Thursday, two days from now, if you don't already have your tickets for God's sake, for the love of Mary and Christ and Christmas, come to Bellevue Parlor Live this Thursday night, one time, one time only. Next weekend, hyenas in Dallas.

Come on out. What could be more fun than Dallas in August? I could really use you Texans out there. S-J-F-K. I've gotten, that's like a city I've gotten so many tweets about. Come to Dallas. When are you coming to Dallas? Well, I'm coming.

Interesting. So Fort Worth, Dallas. Come on out. Time to put your money where your asshole is. And then, we're after, I hate that guy, Cleveland Hilarities is coming up in September and Albany funny bone at the end of the month. And then the earth, wind and funny get tickets early because it's going to sell out. As soon as Michelle tweets it, it's going to sell out.

So if you're a Tuesday here in this, get your tickets because it's going to be a fun night. Michelle Wolfe Soder, his grandmother's out there. Oh, boy. So it'll be me, Soder and Wolfe at least and some other people. And get on the Patreon. We just put two bonuses out last week. Back to back bonuses. Just the two of us, Yippin' and Jappin.

And all the live episodes are on there. And who the fuck is this? Yannis is killer. The other guy. What was the other live one we did? All the live ones are on there. Do we do Phoenix at one point? Tempe.

Yeah. That's on there. Chelsea Callaway, Chesley. And then we did the other one with the, the standup New York with Oots and Canner, you name it. Those are all up there. A lot of bonuses. All the queefs are up.

There's a ton of shit on there. It's three bucks a month. So please go get on that and be part of the fun. And tonight, check out Roast Battle in Comedy Central. Tweet at Sarah. Tweet at me. Tell us we're great. For God's sakes, please.

Tag it Tuesdays. We want to know what you think. Yeah. All right. I'll be at Zany. No, that was last week. And I'll be in New Orleans, hometown, then I'm going to go to Lafayette to do the worst beer garden.

Then I'm at One Eye Jacks on Saturday in New Orleans on Friday, I mean. Funny Bone Hartford, Funny Bone Omaha, Side Splinters in Tampa, Hyenas, I'm following you. So spread the word. Gotham Comedy Club in Manhattan, Stress Factory in New Jersey, Uncle Vinny's in New Jersey, Cincinnati Funny Bone. That'll be a fun one. Rumors in Winnipeg. Lord knows I need you to come out.

That's a cold, cold frothy night. Laf's Comedy Club in Seattle. Hyenas, some other good stuff, Zany's in Chicago, Skyline, Comedy Club in Appleton. Yell at Chipotle. I feel like we're getting close. I don't know what it is with Chipotle. I feel like we're nipping at their fucking fajita heels. I don't know about that.

I don't either. So yell at them with AOS. We plug them every week, blow me Chipote. And that's why your customers are giving out free burritos to us because they know. And praise Allah, have sex with your aunt, Jesse, and hit the Patreon and see us in LA. Yes, October 30th. October 30th. Live pot.

Hopefully we get a big guest. Yes, we're hoping. We've got a couple. All right. We love you. Thank you. All right. Rodrigo.