Tuesdays with Stories! - #258 Cubed & Crushed

Episode Date: August 14, 2018

It's a crazy Tuesday as Mark see's a bachelorette get hit by a car and Joe witnesses a crazy guy battle traffic before he's harassed by a hotel fire alarm,. Check it out! Sponsored by: Casper Mattresses (casper.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon where we're crankin' out bonus episodes every week! You can listen on any podcast app! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy there we had a we had a false start you think it's bad because it's hotter than my fucking father's asshole there no in here it's nice I'm saying to turn this

off it's gonna be in 10 minutes well all right all right eights but we don't have cans here no cans so we're in the lunch stuff studios here we got no cans we got no producer we have Siri or whoever you have Isabella Alexa Alexa yes shit don't say anything Alexa don't talk you whore all right unless we ask you yes shut your piehole but it's sweltering heat up it is sweltering muggy it sticks to you like jizz on a hot plate yes well oh man I saw a porn one time and I was a youth where this lady made a guy come on a plate and then she fed it to him and it just about drove me wild to him yeah yeah oh my lord

yeah he came on a plate he had a like a leather gimp mask on with the zipper the works what and the poor guy yeah he was all tied up and tied down and she shoved coming his mouth and I felt bad for the little guy jeez yeah I mean maybe was hungry but probably his mouth is zipped yeah well I had a porn called porno bizarro and had all these different segments I think I've talked about it before I believe the tall woman there was one with three clits there was one with no teeth who that she blew everybody they called it a gum job oh but one was this guy who kept banging all these girls and then they had like girls lined up

bent over to just bang one after another fun and then at the end he jizzed onto a piece of bread split it oh god I know yikes that is bizarro very bizarro it was a it was I shouldn't I think it fucked me up I'll tell you like I mean I joke about eating come I don't actually have any interest in eating come just sure the for the record in fact most of the things we say on here are jokes yes for the record but the come someone's swallowing come or eating come if it's sexual in nature like eating a cream pie or a blow job yeah that's something I'm that's hot you know hot and heavy sure but eating come as a food on a fruit or

yes a condiment no good no gives me a little thing in the throat a little bat yeah her key jerky situation what do you call well first of all what's up with these guys and you don't do this thank God because every third guy I grew up with is one of these guys I hate that guy I'll do a occasionally if you got a hook you got a hook but these guys will hook it twice twice an hour yeah yeah I told you maybe I can't remember I talked about in the pub I meant to on the flight back from Dublin maybe I talked about it there was a guy with a dry throat clear I did talk about it every 90 seconds just oh interesting and it was just like

you fuck yeah drink water kill yourself go to the bathroom eat come do something yes this problem well you know what's interesting is every I chipotle 14 times a day just came from there yeah I went there earlier and I don't know why but after a chipotle maybe it's the guac I'm a big guac cunt yeah but I always have to go yeah I guess I get that that grimy gooey goop in the back of my esophagus yes and I'm always and I went and got Chipotle then got a haircut and I had a weird moment so I'm getting my hair cut by this lesbian whore and the whole time I'm clearing my throat and she can be like what what's that I'm like oh no

sorry I just got some jizz in the back here and then I get up and there's a guy in front of me just doings like sweeping and I go and he goes oh geez sorry but it wasn't on him it was the throat I've had that I hate I hate when you have a serious throat clear yes it's similar a similar feeling is when you're in the street and you make it a phone call walking and you get too close to the person in front of you for the day yep yeah Derek and I and I gotta I'm trying to maneuver so I'm not within a hey distance of anybody and then they turn like that's Derek I'm talking to Derek fucking just keep walking you son of a

bitch yep and I don't know this is what we need to work on in therapy once we get through the parents and the gay sex desires we gotta get to this point where why am I so uncomfortable with a guy thinking I said hey he should just turn and I go not not talking to you it shouldn't bother me but I wake up at the night being like the guy thought I was saying hey to him right well yeah that's not bad but the guy at the barber shop her went ah he goes oh geez I'm sorry look me in the eye like what's your problem man but it's similar you can say I'm clear my throat it's the same as I'm on the phone clear my throat I get

with a throat clear it seems so what's the word rude not Kurt Kurt but that's good not Kurt but it Dave Groll when you do it purposefully Chris never sell it purposeful deliberate deliberate great movie with the rape scene yes I love rape scene movie but in a movie movie not in real life I hate real life rape hate real rape porn rape sure rape fantasy go nuts rapier wit even better but not real rape I don't even like a rape fantasy I don't either but I think some broads are into it oh yeah oh yeah well that's why it's a term cuz it's out there well I think a reverse bukkake reverse gangbang rate I'd be

into a bunch of women kicked in the door and then like dragged you in there and dragged me over here take me up and rip my dick off wow to me I'd be into that got it what's funny cuz this kid I know a kid who does cartooning for the New York Post or New York New York magazine wow one's way better than the other by the way it was New York Mag okay there you go so he sent me a drawing was what do you think of this I go it's great but you're making the lady the bad like the fall guy like the goof fall girl fall girl so I said I would switch it to the guy which you know in my head I it's like a joke I switch it but he's has to

redraw that so he's like yeah fuck it but I'm like it's funny but I would make the guy the loser and he's like I and he sent it in he got in trouble wow I told you gotta make the guy that no one cares what the guy no wow that's amazing isn't that good call that's where we're at well you get your fingers on the pulse yeah yeah yeah but it's funny be like either works with the New York Post New York magazine that's like being like he's doing comedy the comedy seller or a pizza Newark I can't remember which one thought of something funnier than Pete's and Newark yeah real place you should have gone higher than

the seller well I didn't want to shit on a real club I realized I called an audible cuz you never know I mean it could all blow up and then we got to go back to the shitty club and be like I'd like to do some spots please that's true that's true hot comedy it's crazy how a career can just be up here and you go boy I'm so jealous this guy's got everything I want he's living my dream and then five years later he's begging you for to open yeah let me open for you it was a great I watched Bobcat on Colbert because it was Katie Hannigan's episode love Hannigan love a Hannigan very funny

check out Hannigan's Colbert said it's on the YouTube Katie Hannigan leave a nice comment if you will very funny but Bobcat was on to you know legend love Bobcat I'm a big fan great artist and I don't enjoy Colbert I don't enjoy him let's all political I thought he was good before it's all political but I don't he doesn't yes and Bobcat he's not laughing he's kind of looking at him and he'll kind of like do like kind of like PC ish corrections he's like well you don't mean that that's a little weird like he says stuff like that we're like come on just let him just go with it it's a comedy show I know Fallon everyone

shits up at least he's laughing he's giving it to you right right but anyways that's neither here nor there or here but anyways Bobcat was telling a funny story we was talking about Instagram people being like you just lost a follower pal he'll post something political and like unfollow and he's like what are you kidding he's like I should do arenas I've been unfollowed by millions of people he's like if you want unfollow me you missed it by 20 years funny he's got it arenas yeah but anyways yeah he's had a crazy career amazing career he was like the biggest guy in the world that just the bottom fell out I mean

people turned on him he was like one of the original people the Dane cook thing where like people just raised him up and went never mind you suck net like the same people were like these amazing genius and all of a sudden like within a blink of an eye people like fuck you you blow your fucking douche and that they all just left them we like to do that in this country we build up and we knock down we've done it for years Rhonda Rousey was on top of the anal and then before you know it she got knocked out everybody's like I never liked that whore no not to mention Elvis and all the others even the Beatles is that video

of the guys being like the Beatles stink now fuck the Beatles and like who do you like now he's like there's a there's a great video it's on like Beatles anthology it's black and white you know and they're like who's the new sound who do you like now the guy goes Herman in the hermits it's not even the name of the band right and he's just like the Beatles are out like you can see it 1964 1965 they're like fuck the Beatles they stink now we're out with the Beatles we like the turtles now the turtles people do that they turn they turn turn turn turn the birds oh yes there is a season to well it's funny cuz you know we I guess we

just haven't changed that you see some rally from 1941 they're like women are getting raped and you're like oh look at that but not much change yeah it's all very similar to people history repeats whatever the fuck now I'm in too deep now I don't even know we're out here with this conversation rinse and repeat it started with eating cum now we ended up in 1941 women everything starts with cum that's true all of life well all of life I mean started with God imagine God's a big cum guzzler how do you like that Pope knit with anyways how about this this is a funny thing that that happened last now I'm looking at the

wrong notes here I got premises I do this when you get to a hotel in a town do you flip to the channels and write down all the channels no oh god I don't even turn the TV on well I'm there sitting there watching I go NBC Sports 51 MSNBC 44 hilarious that's in 32 because they don't have a guy some of these hotels I love it's adorable so I gotta click through I gotta make my own guide you made your own channel HBO to I got him from all over the country I should make a snap shot I'm and send him yes whatever screenshot that's a key we call that a key a key you made a key we're talking about that's a channel key oh

it's a more of a guide if it's a map it's a key and this is a guy no it's his channel key it's a channel guide key out you're in the key club it's key no good not for channels channel guide channel guy I guess our TV guide channel guy TV guides a magazine with other articles you hit guide they hit the guide key on the remote it says God is a key key is a button there's no key key I know a key key I don't give her no no Chicago key key around where's she Chicago yeah well she a comic what was her deal he was in industry she was like a desk twat oh that's so funny this people this is what Saturday I talk about there's a lot in

comedy now we've been doing comedy long enough there's people that are just a part of your life and then they just disappear just disappear we are like I would see that woman seven times a day week month whatever and then all of a sudden you're like what the fuck happened to that person yeah this business if you don't stay in the business they go out of your life because your life is the business comedy just sometimes you'll be on Facebook and you'll see a post being like hey can anyone cover my shift at Walmart you're like John yeah I open for this guy in fucking Baltimore 1987 Wow working at Walmart anyways I got some

notes here I mean I have very little I'm gonna be honest with you I got some stuff okay well yeah I got almost nothing but this is a story that was that happened last night please how do you feel about Dean del Rey I love Dean he's the sweetest cat in the can love he's a cat to oh he's a hip cat he's like a he's like a Hollywood he's got the sleeve tattoo and he's just cool this guy just oozes cool long blonde hair side shaved covered in tats big thick horn rim dicks and just a crazy raspy voice mesh trucker have you seen him sing sing this guy can fucking well dude yeah he's singing with burr burrs on

the drop and like he can really like sing it up yeah he's got like an AC DC gravel voice yeah he's like a rock and roll guy I mean I want to fuck the guy I mean he's got that Hollywood cool he's a sunset strip motherfucker and he's got a childlike wonder yeah the best way everything's everything's fire yes that's fire man I went to this show I open for a burr in a theater this is a terrible impression he's like the fucking balcony I mean it's 300 it's fucking rad man everything's rad and tubular it's fucking cool so that's that frantic I love see one of those guys you love see yes he's like a will still vince you see me

like all right yeah and he's completely genuine when I first met Dean I was like there's no way this guy is this happy and jolly yeah but he is he's just a happy-go-lucky cool positive rocker he's loving it it feels like a guy I think he was in a motorcycle wreck he was so it feels like he's got like a new lease on life or something I can't believe I'm here he's a life guy he's a leaser he's a lease on life fella Lisa Turtle so boy I'd like to have sex with her oh that's a hot black yeah yep she was fun I had to go racial I mean that made it weird oh really yeah I'm not into that stuff anymore you've changed I'm kidding yeah

she's a hot hot we'll stick with black thank you good choice it's all downhill for me these are all jokes folks jokes we're all scared joking jokes but anyway so I do frantic last night which is now they're doing it at Rockwood because the stand is currently closed yes reopening in October keep an eye out to give me the hottest nightclub in town two stories double tooth to rooms oh wow I love stories Tuesdays was two stories yeah hopefully more than two yeah anyways I got the giggles and I'm farting yeah yeah I taste it so I go on frantic I go first and Berg murders and he's very irreverent you think we're crazy this

guy's just Aaron Berg Aaron Berg he's just really saying it yeah putting it out there folks not Aaron Burr that's Hamilton now he killed a guy yeah and Berg killed everyone last night I mean he murdered and then I went up and you know it's frantic so you like I'll try some new and it's a different I'm doing different style than him I just didn't didn't hit didn't do well aha ate a bag of cheese I heard I heard and I walk off stage and Dean's going up he just came in he's like how are they and I was like I bombed and he goes you bombed but he said it like in like been rocking and rolling for 20 years like he's got some

hearing loss right you bombed and like the whole crowd literally the whole echoed throughout the whole crowd just turned it was like I had to run out it was so awkward to like come off I was like hi Bob he's like you bombed well he also feels like a nom vet like he feels like he's been he's seen some shit yeah yeah well you got the motorcycle rack he's rocking roll I mean this guy this guy's lived oh is that right he's got to be sober I don't I think he just doesn't drink I believe okay I don't think he's in recovery I think he just never drank we had this talk one time all right it feels like a

sober guy who's been through it and saw the light well he's a great guy and a great killer act but it was just so funny because I was like I bombed he's like you bombed and at least six rows of people all turned like they were kind of giggling it was kind of awkward and then I go outside frantic it's a real hang out oh I'm hanging Mike Denny and Aaron Byrd and Laura you Laura was there yeah how'd you know the group I was there I showed up oh okay you had long gone oh I say well that's who was hanging out outside and then it's on Orchard Street I believe your old neck of the way Lori sigh yeah you just live right there oh

yeah old days you got that right burping and so it's a one-way street like it all is in New York little small side street and there's a crazy guy yep fucking nut you probably heard the story last night I got nothing big nut job big crazy looking white guy green tank top just an animal hammered whatever he walks out in the middle of the street he just starts standing on the street and this car gives him a toot and that was a bad idea the guy's like what the fuck you're gonna do what are you gonna do he's a pro wrestler he's Hogan he's just the car and the car you can see them just like shit in their pants like oh my

god what is this he's like I'm a human being you want to kill me you go ahead and kill me hit me with your car I ain't leaving wow so you stand there he's like holding him hostage we're all watching I'm like getting ready to like run into the door just in case he sounds like Dean's dad I was like we're all you might have been a Dean dad I said to Berg I'm like we're looking at you buddy and Berg's like so big he's like yeah I'm not I'm not afraid then the car behind they can't see him because it's an SUV so this car just starts laying on their horn yeah that's a bad mistake so now the guy the crazy guy he now walks around the

SUV to car number two and now SUVs like thank God for the hog they leave yeah now he's standing in front of this car oh he's like you fucking Hogan you fucking Hogan you inconsiderate piece of shit I'm a human being and the road and then there's a third car two black guys and then Mike Denny goes you guys are next get ready for whatever you're gonna say and that was fun and then eventually the guy you know he just petered out into sure mine and he got out of the way oh they stepped off out of the car they started to go he stepped back in front of the car again that was like the last little death rattle yeah and then

eventually he retired and bozied on the thing about these crazy people they don't have long attention span right right but it's scary because you're like it's a one-way this sidewalk either direction this car is behind you and he's standing in front there's nothing you can do no and you can't reason with him exactly fight him and you can't run him over it's a felony I believe it's like a bear in front of your car he's got a weight exactly and you got to hope he gets distracted but it was nerve-wracking because it's a bunch of committee could just pick us all up and fuck us in the ass if you want it with

a hobo that you got to just throw a nickel in the opposite direction or a sausage link or some kind of ho ho but this wasn't a ho ho this is like just a fucking crazy person oh I don't know I mean must be something must be homeless about him I think he might be on math or maybe his wife just left him I mean he was just but he didn't he had like sneakers and pants on and a green tank top shit hole you know homeless guy and he was like ripped most homeless people are a little you know yeah all right weak weird hey folks sorry for the break I'll be quick but I got to talk about Casper

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Amazon and Google it's becoming the world's favorite mattress I know it's mine I'll tell you that and I was a bed wetter so I've had a lot of experiences with mattresses all right you're gonna want to go to Casper.com slash Tuesdays and use Tuesdays at checkout tell them we sent yeah Casper.com slash Tuesdays using Tuesdays at checkout get 50 bucks off of your select mattress by doing that so you get 50 bones if you mentioned the Tuesday so it can't go wrong there get it now get it quick we love you and we hate ourselves take it easy by the way I am literally out of stories I got some tech all right all right I

mean I got nothing I mean I can I can come up with something my jar loose let me let me let me take the gay Reigns here the gains okay I went to Nashville last weekend one of my favorite towns it's I would say Nashville it's like New Orleans if New Orleans quit drinking but started taking pills oh interesting you know cuz it's a little more laid-back and it's a little more hipsterly dipster than New Orleans but I still party I got a problem with Nashville and I think it's a problem a lot of people have with Nashville the TV show the bachelorette oh it's an epidem it's the bachelorette capital of America yep and what makes me

sad is they all think that they're different but they ride by each other on those bicycle bars yeah look identical yes they're all the same dicks the same t-shirts tips on them they're all right they're all saying the same thing it's like a weird fucking fill like sci-fi film with the same groups right past each other right right yeah that's great well that's funny cuz I landed in in Nashville at like three and I get to my hotel Hutton hotel I got some great stories there and sex the women are going by just and then another go they just go by like Frogger like just going through the streets yep and it's one

after another like it's three that you hammered already then you're gonna come to my fucking show in three hours yeah boy take it easy so so I get there great time Lucy is the manager of Zany she's the coolest it's a chain but they run it like a mom and pop it's everything a comedy club supposed to be it's in a great building have you been there no I've never been oh you're gonna love it's a great building it's just the whole building is the comedy club is not one of these strip mall cunts yeah and it's in the city it's real people they got real comedy fans coming out they book well and it's just the green room shoes green

room goes right out on the stage it's perfect everything's great we fill up a first show hot night I go out we hit the town we do it up no press oh wow second night I start promoting a little more tweeting and screaming we sell it out no better feeling we sell this the club out so now I'm drinking heavily and Pete Lee texts me goes hey I'm in town let's go hit the town I go alright but my flight is at 6 a.m. oh geez why you booked the 6 a.m. it's coast I don't know what I was thinking I think it was cheaper was like a $500 cheaper book of six I don't know what and I'll get back to New York early I won't go it'll make

me not go out I think I was thinking geez so I'm like god damn then I'm standing outside of Zany's like talking to people a lot of Tuesdays got some cards thanks everybody took a lot of photos right when we're standing there it's funny you bring up that story boom girl gets hit by a car oh right on the street on hit by a car she flew like three feet geez the sneakers thing happening she had a little flip-flops on one was off but she was like she was screaming and it was weird because I saw her fly and it was basically they had the not walk sign don't walk don't walk and somebody took a left

hit them because they were turning left onto that street right and clipped the girl and then the woman she's like a little cute old lady gets not old but you know 60 gets out of the car all right she's old and she gets out of the car she goes oh my god and the girl's friend who got hit goes you fucking bitch which is a little uncalled for because the woman did she had the right away yeah you guys stepped out and they were hammered too and so now the girls just laying there and I'm taking photos you know shaking hands everybody's photos now like that's a bunch of snapshots of us like what was that and

then everybody runs over to her she's all twisted no like a cork screw I picture Lloyd Christmas when he fell off the jetway it was like that yes good call thank you like 19 and all you know gussied up and they had to take her to hospital but she was okay oh that's good yeah but it was crazy just seeing it everybody's just a huge gas but once oh god I kept my cars freaky cuz you hear that noise like yes that like plexiglass denti noise hit the street and any kind of street this is why I could never skateboard and I was afraid of any kind of serious biking street that road rash yes exactly she was all chopped up like

little bits of skin now a little skids on the knees the whole thing it's like bizarro porno what it's called so what bizarro porno oh bizarro yeah porno bizarro I did the switcheroo and the porno bizarro well she was fucked up oh and they brought her to the hospital Spanish yeah and so that was like right well now we got to go out so JP buck hits me up oh wow yeah love JP buck oh I forgot a whole thing no I always forget a thing this way you got to write shit down remember a thing so Saturday I go meet Nate Burgatzi no red state Nate he's got a compounded like the Beverly Hills of

Nashville wow this guy's killing it huge house we ordered a pizza we hung out we just talked comedy for like three hours he ubered me back he's got so much money and we just had a great time that was like a $40 uber because he lives way out there right and it's one of the things where it's such a culture shock I live in Manhattan filthy gross hobo he's out in the rolling hills beautiful trees blue sky picket fences wow and he's got a keys on a cul-de-sac I get there and I'm like oh my god he's got a fridge with the ice thing in it you know crushed crushed my dream my dreams are crushed and cubed cubed and crushed cubed and

crushed wow man I have an ice option oh amazing ice option what are the what are the odds so it's like oh my god he gets the pizza he can afford everything he's got a eight big screens he's got extra bedrooms like every need to stay here please blah blah blah we sit on his deck he's got a fire pit I mean it's unreal he's got a huge labradoodle the whole thing's crazy we talk comedy we talk the world we talk politics and I just uber back and I just remember thinking like he did it I gotta I gotta make some changes wow this is crazy but then I go back and do my show shows good girl gets hit by a car we hit the town first

this is where everybody gets mad at me Pete Pete Lee's like where the hell are you JP's like he's there there for a bachelor party's like where the hell are you and I'm like I'm out of a late the late bar show I had to go to the bar show geez I wanted to get up again and I go to this bar show and these four guys are in a band they're obsessed with Tuesday no kidding they're upset and they follow me everywhere I go not future thieves no no it's a different band they had a cracky name like cracky kooky name was like a hot guy special or garbage plate die I don't know I hope it's not gays in the military because that's my punk band

name and I want to take it the guys in the military that wasn't it they might have been gay no no they had girlfriends with them but these were great guy and they said a million questions and a million they they've lifted every episode they know all the guys we like tell them to send us some discs yeah send us some tunes folks I did a queef with them that's that's that's them but I'm half in the bag I've had like 13 whiskies well I guess they're listening tell them I'm telling you send us some discs yes please so they seem like cool guys we had a good time check them out on the queef on the patreon and we go into it and so I

get to the bar show and the girls like oh my gosh you're super nice I farted yeah it smells rotten Chipotle man oh my god it smells like horrific the garbage at Chipotle and fucking you know Kalamazoo Denmark yeah so I I get shit faced with these guys a lot of shots a lot of shot shot shot shot shot shot don't you hate that song I do if they like that tune I don't want to hear that no no I just pulled that out of my farty asshole okay so I go up on this bar show the girl was super nice like you can go on whenever you want to as much time as you want I was like I'll just do 10 I'll be in and out and I bomb oh boy bomb on the

bar show it was brutal these kids were so woke and I know I was doing jokes that we're killing in Zany's and I bring him in here and a bomb you bombed gender joke bomb I bombed Dean and oh man it was ugly and I look back I see one of the kids filming me don't fill the bomb bomb film Oklahoma City horrible bomb Ted McVay Timothy McVay yes and the unabomber that was me I had a beard and glasses and man I died up there it was a lot I must have done 15 of just trying to get out of the bomb but it's couldn't get out of it they hated me and so after that I had like 19 more shots so I gotta redeem myself but mind you I have a car

picking me up at 4 30 a.m. no need to touch my leg sorry so Pete Lee and JP or text me the whole time JP Booker of Conan yes Pete Lee performer of tonight show is they're both like look man if you don't want to come just don't come but don't leave me hanging blah blah blah and I go I'm on my way so we go down the Broadway which is the Times Square of Nashville and it's horrific it's Saturday night at 1 a.m. yeah that's the bachelor party people crazy bachelor party I mean there's a lot of a lot of gals out there but it's it's a fun people watch but my god is it bro everybody's girls are vomiting high heels

are breaking guys are getting into fist fights everybody's sweaty and traffic you know traffic sounds like so we go that we go meet Pete Lee at some bar he's I walk any hands be a shot we're doing shots and you know the whole time you're like all right I'm shit-faced if I get one maybe I get home I get one hour sleep for that car comes another shot I go oh we got to go meet up with JP so I just go hey everybody come this way now all his friends are following me I got a bunch of comics with me those band guys we go to meet JP at his bar I call I get to the bars pack live band I can't see I can't find JP it's like a warehouse and

I text JP where the hell are you don't see goes oh we moved now so we got to get everybody back in we go to another bar we find JP we do more shots boom boom boom we talk we have a good time we headlock finally I get an Uber home I get home at 414 Nelly Pete text me that was amazing I think I got roofied I've been puking all night he text me that later work I don't know I think you fall asleep I guess so you fall asleep that's what you do it for that's what a roofie is oh I thought a roofie just made you not forget but not forget I mean forget everything so I think it makes you a loopy and like wacky I think they

have the point of it I think Sarah used to take them leisurely I think it's like similar to like what do you call it oh hip and all no that's what it is oxy cut but it not would just let me have it what's the drug and then if you take ambient and stay up you're fucking cuckoo that's a rose and so like people do that but I think a roofie is to kind of knock it makes you loopy-doopy and then I think I'm not sure but that's what I thought it was you get roofied then you pass out and then you fucking do business well he claims he got mickeyed haha I thought hours later yeah so I pass out of course it's I'm getting picked

up in 17 minutes 16 minutes so I pack up everything drunk pack drunk pack I put all the soaps in my bag I put all the shampoos you know cuz your shitface I got the landline in my suitcase and I go I lay down I'm just gonna lay down I wake up the phones ringing that sounds like traffic oh sorry I can't do voices sound effects so I wake up to the phone ringing and you're like huh well it's 456 oh geez the flights at six that means they're gonna be there at five so I go I go up I'm coming right down I'm bumping in the walls I'm putting one pant leg on I'm falling over and the lamp goes down with me the whole thing

both shoes are the same foot yes I get downstairs the guys like geez I almost left you man what the hell it's almost been a half hour I was like I'm sorry we jump in the car I I'm on I pulled it all nighter basically I fell asleep for you know 30 minutes what's the last time you pulled it all nighter well Dublin ah recently what about with booze involved well at least six years ago all right yeah we're old now it doesn't work like it used to no no it's not I mean you're not supposed to be up like you're not supposed so my ears feel like they're eight pounds full of fluid my nose is running my eyeballs hurt my throat's

gay I'm all over the road yeah I'm at the airport the airport for some is just one of those early morning 5 a.m. that are jammed there's a soccer team over here is a marching band is a Ku Klux Klan it's all out of whack well Nashville's it's a hub it's a lot of nothing around there it's a huge city that's a hub city for the airline so everyone's got to go there if you live in a fucking 300 mile away from there you want to fly to fucking Kalamazoo or Denmark to fart you gotta go to the Nashville it's a hubbub hubbub yeah so I'm just fucking wanting to kill myself in that line I was barely moving in the guy behind me is all the

annoying the guy in front of me is a douche and finally you get through you fall now here's here's where I where I I had a glimmer of hope hmm so on the flight there I guess I bought another cheap ticket I gotta stop doing this I was in the exact last row leaning on the wall where you can't recline you know that's it I hate that seat 34 B middle seat last row hitting the wall next to the bathroom great bra size but not a good plane seat no not a good plane seat or bra size really I like a 34 B that's right in my wheelhouse maybe I don't know a B B's nice all right I don't mind an A what yeah hey I like a C I like an A

B or a C a D get lost I can't handle it I think you're thinking of batteries to I like it double A wow so I stay sober but a D it's too flippy and floppy and wacky and low double a'll fix your car tires well let's triple a triple a triple a's nice good baseball yeah decent double a's with a real prospect sir all right prospect heights so I had the horrible flight on the way there I couldn't sleep I hate myself I'm up against the bathroom and you hear flushing every 10 minutes like I'm in Queens it's a flushings and so then I go to the airport and I go anyway you can I have the same seat I have the same

seat again I go anyway you can change this seat and the lady goes ah best I can get you as a middle seat exit row and I said I'll take it because that's way up yes and next row is more space more space so I go all right thanks I take the middle seat I'm all excited so then I get through security and I go up to the front desk and I go hey can you help a poor veteran loser I'm gay I'm in the military can you give me a any better seat than this because now now the flight's at 15 minutes away so things have changed so she goes all I can give me is an aisle but you're not gonna be in the more space I go where is he goes

row 10 so now I move from 34 B to like 25 B to 10 C Wow which is an upgrade in my book 10 club yes 10 spot that's something a perfect spot perfect 10 perfect 10 sure so I get it now I'm up in 10 C and I go I'm just gonna fucking snooze this whole fest and I had the lady on the window who goes yeah I got a pee she did it like four times two and a half hour flight well or peas I feel her pain because I'm a big peer I mean if I'm in a window seat I'll try to just go once but I'm a big peer yeah I'm 4p 4p I was 10 C and I hated her yeah so we finally landed here's the clinker sounds in 10 C yes cheese

stretch folks so here's the clinker we land at Newark my favorite airport and I go up I'm just gonna get a fucking car back but here's the thing I'm staying the lady stays here so you go I'm just gonna get home I'm gonna sleep all day I hate myself I'm so hungover because that's the thing about a hangover once you fall asleep that thing kicks right in the full asshole yeah yeah so I go alright and I get home and she's like hey it's 11 30 now she's like what do we do we get the whole day let's go out to eat let's go shoe shopping let's go apple picking let's let's sign our our vows get tattoos and blow each other and

I go ah so I just I just wrote it out oh you wrote I wrote into the wind baby riding fences yes hidden fences well you have some sex because the sex will get you back where you need to be somewhat we had a sideways fuck we fuck twice in the same day wow I mean I've never done that in my life that's like some what do you call it high school shit no I was gonna say make a wish really is that on the list of Bella fish that's pretty good twice a day wow I didn't know those kids were getting laid after they just you know met Magic Johnson I think they should do adult make a wish I agree yeah get these guys a beach yeah

I'll blow a guy sure so you had a nice day well it was a horrible day I hated every second of it I was counting the minutes it was hot out I'm hung over out of my mind I'm on 38 whiskey shots I haven't slept I slept an hour on the flight because of old piss dick and then I you know I'm jizzing all over the place with the hangover I was dying so it was just as long long day that I had two spots three spots one was in Brooklyn oh it was brutal man oh that's tough we're not we're not young chaps anymore now we're getting old and we're getting gay by the way I think we might have an ad can I just forgot about that did we get

emailed an ad or am I making that up I don't remember an ad okay we can add it in later all right if no I don't remember an ad I thought maybe we didn't add do we have an ad I can't remember ad nauseam I guess we'll just do it after in post and stick it right up here what is ad nauseam you hear that don't you add nauseam I have heard that I think it's like to add you add not like you this is the situation and then I add nauseam throw nauseam into that you vomit on it yeah like you're like you know I'm watching a movie and I had to take a shit ad nauseam like I'm also not I've heard adding it in I've heard is like a

Twitter handle I think it's ad like after Christ which should be AC but that's expensive it's later yeah I don't know what ad nauseam is maybe I'll look it up look it up I'll look it up you there's another one that I never can think of what the hell it means is ad nauseam and there's another it's a Latin term just like ad nauseam that's a dead language if you had asked me yes Latinos what are you doing nausea it is ad why are they Latinos because they're not they don't speak Latin ad nauseam to a sickening or excessive degree a topic that has been discussed and analyze ad nauseam it's a Latin term you overdo it ad nauseam is a

Latin term for argument or other discussion that has continued to the point of nauseam this topic has been discussed ad nauseam meaning what to death like this yeah yeah all right that's what's in disgust that nauseam too much all right well how about this one what about when people say oh he really wax poetic oh I don't know that one you were talking about this before on the episode we talk about wax I think we might have done this I said I remember this it's a quarterly American music magazine no that's poetics that's poetic justice great film yes Janet Jackson I believe yeah maybe the other guy never

served wax poetic okay I think New York based trip hop band I'm having trouble wax poetic I'm telling you it's the only time you hear wax not having to do with candle or car wax okay wax poetic or he waxed on I don't know it's always some pretentious guy wax meeting here we go okay third person singular simple present waxes poetic princes present principal waxing poetic simple past and past principal wax poetic all right what does any of that mean you make it a bit harder to hold on let me to speak an increasingly verbose manner to become increasingly verbose but I don't know what verbose means that was big I think

verb oh yeah my mom is verbose as in constructing wax poetic this must be Latin also it's gotta be lab but is it is it WAX WAX hyphen poetic we like this one bit meaning grow or become people use it I'm tell I've heard people use wax not to wax poetic but your eyes glimmer like the ocean on a summer evening yes it's creasingly your wax used like that okay increasingly verbose and romantic and speech so you say yeah I don't want to be wax poetic but your your butthole is as sandy as the beaches of Normandy all right a lot of people died in that butthole to to expound on something in prose like language got it

that's it flowery flowery douchey annoying pretentious guy yeah got it all right waxing pro poetic we really went off on a rail there let me let me tell you about Hartford a little bit oh please honeybone the you know Sin City Hartford what a town yeah well it's not even in Hartford it's in Manchester which you know it's a rough town when you're using Hartford to better yourself yes like no no we're Hartford all right the insurance capital and I gotta thank all the gays that came out a lot of Tuesdays I gotta talk about Dr. J. Suitay I don't know how you fucking say his name cool dude pediatrician huge Tuesdays and a

fucking funny comic yeah he's not some douche that's like no just farting around he can't what is he a guy know or something no he's a pediatrician a pediatrician yeah that's the kids but he knows his stuff you still gotta go to medical schools right like you know a chunk of something in your head sure not in your butthole you call him up yeah call me duck and killer killer jokes he was murdering EMC'd two of the nights this other guy Derek whose last name are forgetting I felt terrible he's a huge Tuesday brought me a nice cigar Derek I smoked that thing to the fucking no but I enjoyed it and he gave me a Pearl Jam 10 cassette tape wow yeah originally it was like his dad's collector yeah so I got

that on display I smoked the cigar I got the tape on display and I think his last name was Italian I kind of remember his last name I'll plug it in post don't you worry Derek it's going to be at the end of the show I'll plug it in yeah because he's a fine fine comic and these Tuesdays they're in the business oh yeah and there was some hot shows and I want I got to thank the gays and Dr. J. give us each a hefty gift card I mean he raised the bar here yeah yeah this is the highest Tuesday the highest Chipotle amount we've ever had one free like triple digits folks I'm going to put that out there yeah each got a triple digit each thank you doc I mean he's a doctor so I mean I don't expect all the plumbers and farmers out there to be giving us these triple digit gift cards but

Chipotle a day makes a doctor gay it's one of those ones I'm afraid to lose it yes you buy a burrito yet they hand it back they look at the thing they go what's up with you and I go well I save kids and I fucked out well it's kind of like having a black card just for like a month yeah because you know you can't run it out it's too much so thanks doggie yeah appreciate it and then great jokes and fun weekend parents came down the whole thing my cousin came down we're at this place Magnum flies huge menu right next door if you want to go there bar I've been there yeah it's decent and the club it's just it's in a shitty hotel I was at the Baymont Inn and Suites I'll hopefully you're at a better hotel so no one shows up game but it had ants and there's one of these ones where

like the decor I kind of confused decor and decorum oh big diff decorum is the place that's the play a person I think decorum is a person yes and decor is the house yes the decorations yes decor Asians yes so anyways it's got the decor we're like I'll show you some pictures it was like there's a there's a big poster of Ray Bork that had like cards that have been stolen they've been peeled off and it's all these like sports photos throughout all the hallways but they don't sync up it's like Kelly Gruber from the Toronto Blue Jays next to Bobby or then there's like you know Bob Stanley for the red like there's different players who aren't even of any note and there's just like hockey photos and there's like NASCAR race car it's just the worst decor room that's in the room

this is in the in the hallway of the hallway most hallways don't have anything they just have wallpaper yes this is terrible this is an empty gumball machine the ants it had a big box tv that like Richard used to throw out the window was one of those fucking things and like everything's off the side of the screen because it's a box right so I'm watching a game like the guy just pitches it and the hit flies off the screen oh my god the box tv terrible box you have to click click that is a remote all right we got a remote yeah the remote was attached to the tv yeah and bad water it was one of those twisters runs all night you said that tinkle sound and then the AC is like wet it's like a fucking something a water bomb I got water on both sides

of me it's like a turned on lady oh I forgot about this part I do have a story oh my god I lost my shit all right so I went there I hated the room and the shows were mostly good you know it's you know it's a tough room it's a road room it's not not the best I'm there in a month folks yeah go to see Mark there all the same gays come out but uh please come out so it's a tough room I go out Saturday my parents come down we go we have lunch we watch the fucking socks rifle off four in a row against the fucking stankies baby monkey anyways we watch the socks game that's great I go back to my room I'm gonna pack because I'm leaving that night rent to the car yeah as soon as I get off stage I'm getting paid and I'm bombing home and be home by 2 a.m. oh you're bombing so I got a shower

while I'm showering all the smoke alarms go off in the hotel I recorded it was so fucking crazy I recorded it on my phone I'm gonna play it for you it's so insane I can't wait it was so bad and it went on for 10 straight minutes not joking 10 minutes piercing I'm talking piercing sound you can't even believe it smoke alarm yes it was oh my god sounds like a submarine that was it sonar and it was so it doesn't do any justice I believe it 10 minutes and I had to have both fingers deep in my ears but I'm trying to pack I gotta pack now because the show is I'm already late for the show I'm wet I'm naked it's not like I can just walk outside for the wait till it ends I call the front desk he's like we got a problem somebody should I go you gotta fix it you have

to fix I was losing my mind I kicked the fucking air conditioning vent and it just broke everywhere into pieces wow because I was so fucking mad I just booted it went everywhere and I trashed the room I'm not proud of it I just took all the cups and the sugar and just threw them everywhere I slammed the remote I took the pillows I threw it everywhere yes I turned all the lights on I turned the AC on full blasts and the TV I was like I want to just kill their electric bill yes I hate this fucking hotel I dumped the trash I mean I feel bad because mostly you know the the flight attendant what do you call the people that clean up the maid the maids are like paying the price here but stewardess whatever I just came in my own back and rolled around in it I couldn't stand it it was

fucking horrible yeah I hear you I lost my shit so I left everything running and on and eventually it went off and like it was just brutal what oh god I don't want to kill somebody brutal anyways shows were fine went and got paid and I didn't wait I felt good I asserted I didn't wait around as soon as the show ended I did the meet and greet I just knocked on the doors like I gotta get paid I gotta go jump right in the car and all's well that ends well zero traffic you never have the northeast quarter never I was home in less than two hours in bed found a parking spot balls deep in my beautiful wife at fucking 205 a.m. nice wonderful wonderful knife slept like a baby actually we stand up to like five in the morning bullshitting it was really nice I love a

bullshit I love sex and just chatting you laying there in the dark and you can't stop talking because you're in love we're holding hands we're fingering each other's butts giggling and laughing and rolling around you go no one gets me like you get me a big fat bitch it's nice to be in love it's if you're not in love go be in love if you aren't in love you should probably take your own life end it I'm only kidding we're kidding I don't want to be responsible but for nice to be in love and then you had the moment Sunday we woke up we went to the the gym together we're listening to music and we made love again and you ever feel that moment we were like this what is this feeling you feel this weird high and then you're like oh it's joy I'm happy where's the joy I'm happy it's right

in my asshole I mean I feel good right now and I'm going to Seattle as we speak and now it's weird how time goes people listening to this it's all over I know but as it is it's the evening of me going to Seattle two nights in Pearl Jam two nights of Pearl Jam at Safeco Field I got Derek going to buy my merch early I'm getting the poster the whole thing I'm a real nerd yeah two shows and Seattle I'm so excited I'm on the eve of a big trip to see my best friend and his kids and his wife coming out Pearl Jam so I couldn't be more excited but now at the time of everyone hearing this it's all over never to come back yeah time marches on marches on my friend this weekend I'm uh I'm actually going to a wedding no kidding in Yarmouth oh wow you know it yes Dennis Yarmouth

oh that's the town next to it's called Dennis that's a regional high school Dennis Yarmouth okay well there you go well yeah so the lady's sister is getting married and I can't I'm a wedding loser I love a wedding oh me too I got the suit ready I gotta get drunk in a suit it just I'm gonna eat shrimp till I shit myself nice it's on the water I saw pictures of the the the what do you call it the reception hall beautiful down there beautiful I'm gonna get out in the sun and put sunglasses on pick my feet up and just drink scotch all day I can't I'm gonna eat scallops and blow myself 51 weeks after my wedding oh is that right my anniversary is coming up oh it's been a year time marches on boy is it more that's why you gotta fill it up with shit yeah conquer do things

achieve goals try to suck your own dick please I've done it and it's a little shameful no I'm not I got no shame I don't know why I said that tons of shame little being the key word but yeah I uh I licked my dick I couldn't actually blow it I couldn't get the whole lip around it I can make your dick for you please all right all right witness um yeah so I'm excited about the wedding well this weekend now fuck my time's all off because we're recording in advance because I'm leaving this weekend I'm in Dallas Texas oh wow hyenas hyenas come out Thursday Friday Saturday fucking get down there a couple things about hyenas Sam was just there he said it was pretty good and he said a lot of Tuesdays came out no kidding so come back out of the closet

and blow him yeah thank you Tuesdays thanks for uh watching these other comics reach out to Katie Hannigan reach out to Rory let him know we were saying nice things Dean del Rey whoever else the fuck we talked about yep yep let let the good people because if you say something bad about somebody they always tweet at them hey I said uh say tell the good people that's a great news let freedom ring yeah I do believe I do believe what do they say I do declare no um I'm not sure let freedom ring free at last free at last free at last stop touching why are you touching I'm trying to connect so many touches I can connect my leg thigh double double thigh tap at one point your finger was real close to my shoulder I didn't like it wow all right it's a lot of touches

all right I tap twice I think we talked about this before when I was a kid everyone always my family still said they like oh there's no touching with Joe don't touch Joe and they always make fun of me I'm like yeah why would you touch me there should be no touching well what's the diff watch this I don't like a touch I'm touching your foot that's my bad that's my sneak all right that's your gene I was thinking what the hell the gene is flush the toes not flush a snake I got tow I got wiggle room all right that's what they check for they make sure someone touches your toe it doesn't hit your actual toe if you had a knee pad on I'd be all right clocking that thing yeah all right all right that's not so bad I mean you can squish my dick fold here okay you want to

do that well now that the offer is on the table what do you call that the dick hump the tent the dick tent on the jeans yes the tent yes the anti-tentate tency tent city uh I said that already all right well I'm in Dallas this weekend at hyena's lappy we got an hour to go here it's gonna take a while we're gonna digress of course sure digress boy I really ran out of steam I'm sorry I should have got some more stories I fucked up Neil digress Tyson uh he's good no so you're gonna be you're gonna be Dallas I responded your own guy like he was saying you said it like I said it you're like what you're like Neil digress Tyson he's good oh you said he's good as though I said Neil digress Tyson I just put it out there that he's the talent

oh it was like if I went uh boy Robert De Niro I like him it was a weird um you can do it that makes sense now that I say it aloud I'm fucking kooky my asshole's bleeding and uh this guy a tampon boy I had some great sexies do you ever like try something new in your long-term relationship and then you're like at first you're nervous and then all of a sudden you're like I'm glad we did that oh sure yeah I bought a strap on and took it right in the seat oh you did a little pegging a lot of peg no that wasn't that but it was fun you know I just feel good I feel good and happy and I'm just off the rails my ankles go over my head nice yes boy can you I was just talking with the lady about that today about how she gets horny and wants to be pounded and penetrated

and thrown around me and I get horny and I want to pound something that guy were wired exactly right now that's nice I don't mean to say gays are wired wrong I'm just saying me and her are men and women who are heterosexual it just worked out that she's like yeah like I want to get pounded yeah so you you want the exact opposite of the thing I want and that's perfect well that's perfect for you I mean it doesn't always work out like I'm over here I'm like I want someone to hawk a loogie in my ass right and lick my face and tie me up you know what I mean step on my balls a little bit but my wife she doesn't want to hurt me she loves me right you're a girl I gotta like hire a woman in leather to come and fucking step on my tits but I feel like if you push your lady

a little bit every day by 2048 she'll be maybe you know spitting on your butthole yeah I want to hook my nipples up to a car battery and throw it out the window well you might have to bring the battery in that would help get that going I can get a better all right double a we talked about double a triple a 34b um see anyways see where can I continue to plug my shows because I'd like someone to show up I mean we said digress we're digress Dr. Sute's the only fan that showed up and he was on the show for God's sake yeah but he gave you a nice chunk of change no a lot of twos got took a lot of photos nice people appreciate it love you where else am I I don't even know Albany funny bone good room yeah okay great I'm gonna be at the Capitol Tom Dustin

will be up there with me check on Tom Dustin then don't forget Hilarity's and Cleveland Jason Cantor's on that date with me the bold wonder and then Huntsville Alabama Alabama I had a guy ask me to ask you if you get open what's his name you know I can't remember all right well I mean I don't I don't control that a lot of people think we control well he thought you were bringing Sarah I might try to bring all right well if you can't maybe he'll get on if you can't teach learn and if you can't sing dance get on a Patreon for I don't know what are we doing here I hate myself Patreon get the Patreon definitely definitely get on there I'm gonna squeeze your dick tip don't touch my dick tip all right get on the Patreon if you're not there's an ad I mean shall we put it

in there you can listen to the Patreon on your podcast app yeah that's key not button channel key channel guide so yeah get on there the Patreon is on the podcast app it's easy peasy Japanese easy you just listen to it the same way you'd listen to any other pod three bucks a month 36 dollars a year folks that's minimum by the way don't be afraid to throw us five or eight bucks by the way minimum wage yeah you could really help us out by throwing a couple extra bucks here please we uh should we tell them that we left labs we're out of we're out of labs very independent we all on our own we're like a single mom small come studios stuff big big dick lunch the small stuff studio is this is their new home lunch stuff we had five long glorious

half a decade wow and stand up labs you know it's funny I saw the leader what do you call the CEO of labs I think all the the main guy I was on the phone last night on the sidewalk he walked by I went hey and he went hey and I went I'm on the phone I'm on the phone and we just get I was like ah it's weird I had a relationship with this guy for five years and one phone call I'm like ah we're good yeah but I think uh I think they don't care they get it they're good people yeah they're all good people we're leaving uh amicably yeah yeah amicably from the French word I mean for friend we love we love them and uh they've been kind but the we've got a little district we've been recording here at the house yeah and then um a lot of people we started with

there are long gone oh friend Becky and Benji and uh John Fadigate kind of is doing other stuff there so uh yep yep and we had Chris was there for a while and then the other guy and so Shelby's gay Shelby's still on our team we still got team Shelby we love Shelby love the Shelby we wouldn't leave we can't leave him he's heard the behind the scenes business we gotta bring him on at something we should have a queef with Shelby we gotta have a queef we gotta have we gotta stick them in uh in between us or under the carpet or something although I feel like he's gonna be a tough interview he's not a chatty Cathy he doesn't give a lot bless his lips gonna get caught on the microphone that's true he's got a couple of big pillows there but uh hey also the tickets are up

for sale Hollywood improv October 30 we got a huge guest huge guest you're gonna be blown away by this get we're blown away yeah we're gonna blow each other in front of them yes I gave away his gender ah and we got Nick Adderot's there Henry Phillips is opening yeah Henry's like what are they all time uh fucking con one of my favorite people ever funny guy and then we got Nick Vatterot who's like uh there's very few people funnier than him yes big hot fat special guest big fat hairy guest yeah it's gonna be fun and then others I mean they could be surprises by then who knows who might be friends with Eddie Murphy by then it's true he's gay I hear no that was a mistake uh that's what they say all right so yeah it's gonna be a hot night at the Hollywood improv October

30th get tickets the link is up on the improv website get tickets in advance yeah they're gonna go once we announce this guest they're gonna fly so get them early get them hot and then also speaking of hot early tickets uh fucking August 28th Village Underground benefit big benefit show and I want you to get tickets Tuesdays because once Wolf Michelle Wolf puts it out there good point they're gonna be gone so why don't they show there's a mix of Tuesdays and wolf dens or whatever her people are race yeah so get if you're a Tuesday hearing this go to commerce seller dot com get your tickets 10 p.m. yeah August 28th it's all for charity we're not making a dime off this son of a bitch so get the patreon and give and we're gonna give the money to these fire people fire that was fire so

we love Dean Delray I'm gonna be at the Hartford funny bone next week so come on out to that please let's try to beat the shittiness of the room with the amount of Tuesdays yes then I'm going to Omaha funny bone uh boy where else am I I'm in Wisconsin I'm in Pittsburgh I'm in Raleigh next year Philly next year Seattle uh oh Cincinnati funny bone with Chris Allen I got some good some gigs coming oh zany Chicago a lot of fun stuff a lot of good laugh Boston for new years that's far away but uh yeah it's gonna be a hot ticket the hot night and a hot ain't also come on out and get on the patreon yell at Chipotle I feel like we're getting close with Chipotle we're making some head gay because they are getting they're running scared so keep tweeting at them keep scared them check out

all our tonight shows and all that on Facebook and YouTube and buy our albums and kiss your aunt and don't be a pedophile we'll see you all in hell dumb