Tuesdays with Stories! - #259 Love Pump

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

It's a great Tuesday once again as Mark & Joe get into being called 'daddy' in bed & watching people die before getting into Joe's trip to Seattle for a Pearl Jam filled weekend and Mark's sleep deprived trip up to Cape Cod. Check it out! It's a crazy Tuesday as Mark see's a bachelorette get hit by a car and Joe witnesses a crazy guy battle traffic before he's harassed by a hotel fire alarm,. Check it out! Sponsored by: Casper Mattresses (casper.com/tuesdays code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon where we're crankin' out bonus episodes every week! You can listen on any podcast app! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey we're back everybody we are back in the New York groove groovy baby we're in the lunch stuff studios oh yeah coming to you from Greenwich Village New York City the birthplace of something folk well fun of

like a folk and Hendricks was over here and Dave Van Ronke or the fuck that guy wrong he was the he was the grenadier he was the Lewin Davis guy Greenwich Village or the Popeye of Greenwich Village he was something the mayor of Greenwich Village he was some shit you get your Woody Allen's down there your Cosby Cosby yes by the way Norma Donald had an interesting point on Twitter he was going back and forth and they were saying he always people I say the best but he's like well wouldn't that make Cosby the best because prior was doing Cosby I've been saying that since 1985 oh really yeah it's on the pot I've

been saying Cosby's number one to me yeah but then everybody's like what about Cosby Cosby's a lunatic he's like what are you getting he's the best guy so it was a whole thing yeah I mean they're both great I love them both sometimes I think Patrice is better than all of them those guys I mean Tommy doesn't hold up well which we've talked about sure which is one of the kind of charming things about it but like to me there's like there's no bad Patrice there's like hours of bad Carlin and prior yeah I love Patrice but there's a couple YouTube clips where you're like this this is all isn't really working yeah I could see

that but his specials are all top not leave mr. P was killer and that was like a P side yeah elephant in the room and then like that showtime half hour the Pepsi Cola rapists yeah all that's like it's amazing and you're like this guy this is everything he does is as good as it gets yeah yeah pretty was that too inside out of the gate what do you think you keep saying inside these are comedy fans all right worry you're the insult the audience when you say that well I don't think people know comedy as well as us I don't think that's an insult they don't know it as well as us probably but they know it it's not like they're like

wait Patrice what who they all know Patrice they know Richard Breyer they know George it's not like we're talking about fucking Matt Wayne said at the Brooklyn Bowl last night yeah good for Wayne good gig I'm gonna sit like this is this okay not really but I'll take it I got wow I got my legs crossed and I'm wearing basketball shots and real pale long long legs and black socks it's a whole situation how you cross you don't do this move I do that sometimes but here's the thing I don't want to kick I got a your computer is next to my large and you have a precariously awkward table it's one of these like thin pole on

the right and then there's nothing underneath the rest of it harder to knock over than you think though that thing is a built to wiggle hey look at that give that a good good shove well I'm not worried about knocking over the table I'm worried about knocking the tea the tea onto my leg and burning it and then your computer and then we have no podcast and move the table I like the table because the tea is there I just want to sit like this is my solution solution I sit like a big lady yeah that's a decent thigh you got there well thank you I'm having real short problems oh yeah because we've talked about this

I think possibly in the pod before long problems you know no one calls I think we might have said this exact thing so pardon me if I'm in the in the repeats reruns here yeah nobody calls you to say hey cargo shorts are out Jean shorts are out all of a sudden you just get made fun of for wearing jean shorts and cargo shorts so jean and cargo out and so I gotta go buy like fabric shorts a corduroy shorts the plaid business yeah I haven't done that so I'm just wearing old basketball shorts yeah last night I went to a rock and roll show and I pick up my buddies like what are you doing this is what you're wearing you're wearing

fucking gym shorts and I'm like I don't know what shorts are anymore well a couple things first of all fuck them just keep wearing the cargo you want to wear cargo where cargo yeah watch why that's why I'm fucking them this way I'm fucking him with basketball shorts I'm wearing a mesh gray dirty short well and my other thing is yeah that's true about the fashion how the hell do we know it's the same with the words like you know fat guy now is person of size oh come on I know it's so stupid it was like how do I know because now I'm a bigot big it's a funny word for a fat guy but it's how do I know like that that that words out you

know they're like whoa whoa it's flight attendant now you're like all right well I have to say it wrong for to learn well I think we talked about this before too I was in Tampa a couple years ago some guy was like you know one of the basketball players they get bail or like punched a teammate and this old white guy was like ah this guy's a thug and then there's like hipster comic was like thug here I'm saying thug that's racist oh right I'm like I think he's saying thug like he's being nice yeah yeah like I think this guy 20 years ago would have been calling the n-word right I was like you know what he's the right let's let bygones be by

gone we got to grow yeah he's a thug and then this gets like so you can't say thug yeah and you're like well he's a kid punching his teammate in the face I don't know why but I think thug is now associated with African-American sure you're thug thug bone thug rap thug life thank you fuck well also gangster was like a you know Al Capone yes and then I got associated with like gangster rap and the same with thug gangsta similar to the n-word yeah similar to the n-word but different you know I was thinking I was in bean town last weekend and they could have the n-word well yeah that's what up my point they take the ER off of

every word so in a weird way everybody calls Boston racist but they're taking the ER away and saying it the right way they leave it on that word that one they hit but the n-word speaking of the n-word the n-word the a-version yeah I mean and we've talked about this before we're all on reruns here but at the gym I was at the gym today about it I hear the n-word between the music and then the people in the locker room I hear the n-word no joke 40 times in a 45 minutes of the gym right because the music is all my n-word my n-word you're an n-word this is an n-word and then every single guy at the gym is saying it comically and

these are Latinos Latinos and some like Asian Middle Eastern maybe an Asian there's some black people there too but mostly it's Middle East I mean in Middle Eastern it's uh it's mostly Latinos yeah well it's in is it the zeitgeist and Asian zeitgeist yeah I guess so it's not in the white guys though you can't no no no it's just we've talked about this at nauseam yes nauseam yes and ad nauseam I was against at nauseam I know you got to subtract um ad nauseam multiply you know Bill Maher says it in joke form and he's got to apologize and have three blacks on to tell him what's what and he gets threatened to be fired

but then I'm at the gym I hear it 80 times and and you know I guess what do I know well I see what you're saying but also to your point it's a curse word so we should still I'm not like a sensitive guy or anything but if you're a you're out of Baskin Robbins and somebody's going hey n-word give me that butter pecan yeah it's still like saying hey cunt give me that up you know he's still like you're still saying a curse yeah it's strange to be on the phone or talking to your buddy at Baskin Robbins if you will or pizza hut or Dunkin Donuts sure or ever to just be like ah fucking I'm gonna get a fucking ice cream

here I'm gonna fuck my mother in the ass after I eat my fucking ice cream yeah it's it's strange to behave that way but that's the this inner city Latino black community is saying the n-word I guess so you just got to go okay but I find it off putting I mean I find it off putting when white people use it sure um obviously and that's a little more hateful so it's more off putting but what people use in a hateful manner but like it's also off putting to hear like he said it's still like a harsh word now I went putting to just hear a guy saying that well yeah Bill Cosby

Edward from Philly that's right he hates the n-word right that's a great Chappelle joke oh yeah people forget he said sometimes you forget he's a n-word from Philly and he's gonna say some real shit right sounds a lot better from him when he's you know saying the real thing yeah but the n-word it's tricky it's a funny word I'm uncomfortable now sure repeatedly saying n-word yeah I don't think we're supposed to be talking about it this here is no good oh boy well we'll we did come in hot there boy we went right into something well what are we five minutes in and we're talking n-word yeah well we keep it real and

we keep it gay and we're both doing anal sex how did we get to the n-word I don't even remember oh because the gym I was saying that you don't know what the car goes short yes and I go he don't know when the word changes right and then I went there yeah I just get made fun of all of a sudden everyone's like what do you got cargo shorts you fucking loser and I'm like when nobody emailed me to say whatever that's why I feel bad about dads people like our dad jeans like those are just jeans yeah those are jeans in the 80s mom jeans you like I thought these are all right now mom jeans are back so eventually dad jeans will be back

mmm it'll be cool like you know like the cool hip kids will be wearing you know loose acid wash jeans or whatever it is high jeans whatever dad Jean is and then the dad bod is bad but it's also good I love the dad but it's all very anal well that might that's like a fetish it's not good so I might like a dad bod I think it's above 50% are into a dad but no I'm tell I think I've read that in a quiff magazine or one of those well tell you I've been reading me I've been reading up on some sex stuff reading like sex magazines and blogs because I'm fascinated with sex of course and I'm having sex with my wife trying to spice

it up so I've been reading a lot of things that women are into yes it's fascinating it is because they don't tell us well the number one thing I read one article the number one thing they want in sex is for you to express that you're enjoying yourself but also is that right for them to call you daddy huh they want to call your daddy they want that was the number one thing like call me your daddy I don't know what it is what they like that they want to fucking yeah you my daddy fuck me daddy I don't know what the hell's going on there but that was like the number one this it was like the headline was like things that

might surprise you whatever call me daddy yeah they want to be like yeah fucking come to daddy oh I can't say that in a sexual setting well ask her feel her out feel her out every night feel her in feel her tits I want to just I want to be like whatever you're into I gotta get in there but yeah quiet she's not asking for the daddy I was just googling maybe she wants the daddy she might want a daddy yeah well it's the dominance at the end of the day they want that dominance that's where the choking and the hair pulling and the spanking it's all dead I think I'm a woman because I want to I want you to pull

I mean not you but a guy similar to you to pull my hair and come in my mouth right right well we've we've heard this is from before from you yeah it all repeats this week but some women don't want that some women don't want that's why they want to dominate or they don't want to dominate it's you know it's tricky that's why you gotta feel out you gotta she got to test the waters there well if you're in a long-term relationship marriage you have to just be like this is what I've been working on this is removed from Alan this is my own thing I'm like all right well I'm gonna I got some needs here so you're gonna have to even if this

is silly you gotta vocalize you're gonna have to step on my tits here sure and even if you're like I feel weird you like don't because this is what I this is what I'm needed you need to call me daddy all right right call me mommy call me by your name see I would never want my wife to be like yeah call me your mother I don't understand the daddy thing yeah interesting I don't understand baby talk baby talk that's a big bedroom what do you mean like I got Google Google yeah my ex would do baby talk and I was I was always like wasn't this just kind of pushing on pedophilia here well the baby talk is more like a snuggle right like I

love you I like being with you yeah not a sex you know my little pussy I've had it really baby talk sex baby dirty talk and I'm to the point where I'd rather you go lady talk go old on me reverse it flip it flip it and reverse it ah fuck my old anal lick my veins or whatever you know yeah all and I can't get off like my love pump sure that's a spinal tap okay like my love pump that's funny but yeah it's very funny the baby talk I don't don't don't care for but that goes along with the daddy thing you know you're a baby daddy's taking care of daddy oh dad dad not gonna be picking a fight dad dad daddy oh yeah well right

in ladies we've had some good vaginal advice in the past right at Tuesday's with stories at Gmail right in and tell us what what you're thinking it's fascinating because we want to please gals but they're so hidden with this shit and I get it it's uncomfortable it's very personal it's it's your own weird private shit but like let us please you tell us teachers we have to go into magazines and hide and read the shit in the corner and quietly I know talk to us it must be in there some oh it's in there baby this is why guys read diaries what makes you take whatever it is I'm into it I went into what you're into

like if you are like all I think about is fucking nine black guy I want to blow the New York like tell me I'll get into that yes that's why it's so frustrating being a guy because they're like you know like girls get together like he did that can you believe this loser did this you're like well maybe he was trying maybe you are some other girl was into that and how's he's supposed to know we got to take shots we got a guess yeah you got a shooting shot shooting shot in the face but yeah so yeah you got to take a take a gamble throw it out there maybe she would fucking love it and yeah maybe so make fun of you

later but that's why it's tough because you're not telling us I know and that's what's how I do a joke but it's hard to segue back into regular life again you have to be like what do you want to watch you want to watch Netflix here so that's what I have to say now I got like everything that happens here we keep here and then we go back to being little scoops it's a little gay oath you know a gay oath yeah horrible cereal but it's just like a packed yes you know yeah you do you think in the bedroom and you come back here and you watch Mrs. Maisel and you go that wasn't weird yeah but you crank it up a little bit now all of a

sudden you're thinking about it during the day you're thinking about the other day because you have the regular sex then you just you have your sex and you switch up but you get weird you get some spicy business going I hope all of a sudden like during the day I'm on the bus because my dick is moving because I'm yesterday last night of this morning my gal likes the mirror mirror mirror on the wall or I like that I've had that once she didn't realize there was a mirror we were staying at a hotel I might have to fart in the mic please doing that yeah especially with the shorts oh it was a silent little nugget damn it nugget with

an A what a tease I'm sorry like it smell it if that doesn't anything for you nugget please well yeah one time we were staying at a hotel and I realized it was a mirror and she couldn't quite see it from her perspective yeah and so I was nice because it's like you know it's like watching the porn yeah it's an extra angle too because all you can see is a butthole or back of the ponytail but now you get a a nip and a bush and a tooth gap yeah nip and a bush I love that that sounds like an order at a bar a nip and a bush a nip is a thing oh yeah usually saw the bars but buttery nip I mean I love sex that's the thing too I

have this thing this is my problem too I work on in therapy and this is a very cynical negative thing and I mean to bump people out but I look at like life and sex is like we do have a limited time on earth oh yeah so it's like we gotta get in what we need to get in like I'll go days like I go on the road I'm like I got five days in the road I'm like that's five days of no sex my those days are gone forever wow you look at sex that way I like it why look at life that way sex or like time with my wife I'm like I'll go the end of the day like this is what's hard our schedules are on the road I'm like a whole day went by

I didn't get to spend time with my wife we're gonna die one of us gonna die at some point it's very cynical and not really appropriate way to think about life I think that's beautiful you love her that much you want to soak all the time up you want to soak I mean it's like that with your parents and your friends everything you're like you don't want it to go this is how people are with kids where they're like I just want to freeze this moment you always hear that shit yes it's hard you have to like I'm hanging out with my niece and nephew in Seattle I'm just like staring at them you know cuz you just want to like take it

in this moment you know yes I'm just like holding them like a fruit cake don't get cut staring at them yeah well they look up and they're like what's wrong with you sure weirdo but you're like I love you I want to fucking cut your head off and eat it yes yes eat the head you eat the head it's true but and also they're gonna blink an anal and they're gonna be 39 well that's the thing too cuz they're on the opposite co I'm seeing them every four months so it's a different person all of a sudden better than my dad saw me that's pretty good look at the pictures like I sent my my friend's wife I send him pictures from

the weekend I'm like her I'm like yeah here's pictures it's the one you scan through the photos that you've sent all of a sudden you're like there's a huge difference he's like that's from the last visit you're like this is a different person that changes completely different they change yeah a third of their life is gone by since the last time I saw him I feel the same with my brother's got a five-year-old and I remember when that thing was sucking on a teat I remember when it was shit and blood I remember when it was eating baby food and now it's five going to school got friends personality yucking it up riding a bike

and I'm like I gotta get in this kid's life this is my niece here I know and you gotta be involved because otherwise after time you're like who you yes I remember you that's heartbreaking heartbreaking and then they look at you like I don't need you you goof oh how about this one my grandmother she's a got you know shit for brains that's in the belfry she'll do the whole like oh hello how are you I'm Elaine and I'm like oh I'm your fucking grandson we've we've made out eight times you blew me on Christmas come on none of this is registering she's like oh it's good to me and I'm like a and I like Mark you know more he lives in

New York she goes oh it's so cold I'm like I'm a person talk to me well that sounds like they're struggling she's got dementia and you know dog shit it's weird dementia always seems like it's worse for the people around than the actual person oh they don't know that they don't they don't give a fuck they don't know who you are she's having a blast she's on cloud 10 she's living it up and she's fucking Elvis and drinking scotch yeah she looks it doesn't matter her that she doesn't know who you are it's only sad to the peripheral people yes yes and in a way and I was is dark and rough but yet dark she's just counting

the minutes she's gonna croak you know and that's just how life is well that's almost like a blessing longing it it's almost a blessing in life to get to a point where you'd rather die I guess tic non-honest talked about days of what people don't understand about death you're always afraid of death but we don't understand in the moments before death for the most part you're like all I'm out yeah that was a good run I hope if you're like if you have cancer of course you go through the stages of like anger and resistance or whatever the fuck it is denial and then eventually get to acceptance yeah yeah I'm just

checking the levels all right good are you in denial now we're good we got to I'm accepting the levels but then you get to a point where you're like you've been fighting for so long or you're sick or you're just so tired of life or brilliant let the quality of life is gone to a point where you're like I'm actually ready now I'm not I lived my life I mean that's if you're lucky I mean some people get shot dead in the street and get in a horrible car wreck sure but even in that moment they might you know those last few breaths be like something's happening to me I'm going and that's that's the end of that yeah yeah

I saw I watched the life leave my grandpa never tell you that no no maybe he was on it on death's door cool guy big bald guy named Cleveland that was my grandfather's name oh wow and you know old-school military fought in the Korean War the whole thing and big dude 6 3 the whole thing and you know gigantic ears and he was you know running a running out of minutes he's in a wheelchair he's got the hospice feeding him and we're eating lunch at it because you had to stay near him so we're eating on his table eating lunch Popeyes I remember and that might have been what did it well he wasn't all right but the lady ran in you know the

old lady in the scrubs she goes I think we should all go in there I think this could be the end we're like oh shit so we all scatter we run in the bedroom he's in a wheelchair and he looks at me and he kind of reached his hand out and my mom was like are you okay dad and they just went and you saw the life it was wild you could see it leave him it was crazy it's so crazy like like Chappelle talks about it inside the actors studio he's like you go from like this is my father yeah what are we gonna do with the body yes that's the strangest thing exactly longer it's just a thing of like all right we now we got to I guess we

have to fly here where we go to that yeah like you're making plans right but yet this person is it was a human with a life and it gave birth to me and it was a whole entity and now it's just a vehicle it's just a dead dead structure that we got a haul out of here wow he gave birth to you well you know what I mean I do I mean we were talking about that too Derek and I like life is so bananas you're sitting with these kids and you're laughing and they're being funny and silly and they're full of life and all that and it's like that came from your balls I know this life started in your balls your ball bag tell me about

my socks they could talk I mean and then you're sitting there and the kids laughing and funny and like it might have been on a night where you were like yeah you fuck that oh yeah you fucked a guy yeah that wasn't me what and then there's a child born from that I mean who knows what you were doing you're looking feet or finger in a butthole and like that's how like this life began was my finger in her ass how about all the kids born from rape some lady gets raped in an alley yeah kid now this kid's working at quiz nose yeah it doesn't matter it's still a kid quiz knows you're doing pretty well for a rape baby if

you're a quiz I guess so well it's the least good of all the sub places I don't even I it's sub par that's fun all right um I think quiz nose is okay I've only had a couple some way take a real hit some way stinks yeah well I think it's more popular yes oh for sure yeah yeah Jimmy John's I don't care for I don't know big Jimmy John it's very plain yeah it's and it's oversized it's too big little lettuce let us go big oh it's so big I'm like alright but is it good I don't get it yeah it's not good but you're not you're not good not lunch but yeah life is just fascinating and then oh so anyways yeah comes out of your balls and like

runs up into a cunt and then it lives in you yeah I mean it's so amazing and then so many of them don't make it it's you know what else is kooky is the whole women have eggs they just got eggs in there and then they shed an egg every month you shed an egg is it just one egg or is it a bunch of eggs I don't know if it's scrambled or over easy but some I think it's just one I don't know how the egg egg business works it's gonna be a big egg that because there's blood all over my blankets no in the panties the whole thing well that's not that much egg it's more than one egg you got bloody blankets occasionally well if you're

banging with an egg in there oh you're banging eggs yeah when the egg is broken you're banging it's I thought you was just leaking because it was just one egg it would be a one day long the egg would come out and then there's blood and that's it it's very minimal amount that kind it's kind of drippy really egg it's like a cracking egg on a skillet and that's whole bloop well all the egg baskets are different some people some people got 50 eggs bleeding for a week some are two days yeah I fucks with your business to UTI like my wife I mean I hope you don't mind me talking about this the IUD I confused it

improvised explosive device HPV Planned Parenthood so like sometimes for she got the IED and then for like a year there was no pyramid IED IUD IUD yes sorry improvised explosive devices and IED yes IUD and then there's UTI which is a school and then there's a is it a school I don't know University of Tennessee Institute yeah all right well anyways for a year she had no period and now the period's back again because that what you jam a thing up there it fucks with your your rods and cones are all screwed up terry yeah and but now at the eggs are all back cracking so that isn't it weird though I mean that's how much

technology blows my asshole is that the this little ring up in your snatch nose because you could just be producing if you're not shedding eggs you think your body would just keep making eggs and you just blow up because you got a bunch of you got a half dozen to a dozen now you got a basket of eggs in your gut you think you just rip open I see all kinds of women with eggs spilling out of their pants what but it might just be fat oh that's a fat joke fatty yeah well yeah it's tough but well it's a mad sign I don't know what's going on how about the chickens there those are not even those are unfertilized eggs that we're eating

right I don't understand because it's not a kid in there yeah you're cracking a bird doesn't fly yeah I've never understood that my whole life I think they're unfertilized so that means that means it's a baby basically it's a period wait oh okay cuz I remember George Collin had the big joke with humans it's an abortion with chickens it's an omelet right and I remember it was a big joke and I remember I always fake laughs I was like whoa that's good stuff but I didn't know what he was talking about yeah it doesn't really make sense because babies are fertilized and these eggs are not right but it's a they somehow

make the egg not hatch a chicken yes so that's the abortion aspect I think I just don't know how they do it because they could have a hand this is where people gonna email us be like you guys are idiots yeah cutting more and more emails lately have you noticed that about being an idiot about being idiots yeah and what a couple of them because they're like how do you not know that a were a caterpillar turns into a modern butterfly like well that's what I was saying right I was saying that that might be for me I just wasn't sure we weren't 100% now but I mean but then this shit that I could talk to that guy about that

he would be like whatever and I go you don't fucking know that sunglasses or blah blah UV rays or what I don't know yeah and some of its stuff you learn then you don't need it's useless right I'm gonna caterpillar I know how to fucking you know masturbate sure I got a please a lady I can juggle I'm a I'm a good friend and uncle and right they can tell a joke very entertaining some of this is played up I mean we're yeah we're playing a part here I mean I know what an egg is trying to achieve humor and I don't really know the egg thing that's real I don't know what happens with a chicken and an egg go in about the

eggs yeah he mails ladies email us some stuff I mean we only have nine female listeners but yeah appreciate it they know about the eggs it's the chicken of the egg really speaking of a female listener let's get into some business oh yeah I got stuff yeah me too I mean we're fucking halfway through jeez we went off on the abortion I really enjoyed it though yeah I feel like I learned something or I didn't learn anything and tweet us call in I hope people are enjoying this because who the fuck knows anymore now this is a classic Tuesdays with stories at Gmail and then hey don't forget to hop on that

Patreon you sons of bitches yes and October 30th Hollywood Improv show yes October 30th Hollywood Improv big guests big or she could be a she we might have a fat broad on there but I trans who know by then he never know he tries a lot of stuff out we got a lot of range we open with n-word and end with the uterine lining we're all over the road folks well we're not ending we're just beginning oh yeah right I was out there in one of my favorite places in the wide world the magical beautiful sparkling Pacific Northwest love it out there and W yes got it how about this by the way real quick side note the night

before I left I was at Gotham doing what it's called comedy juice comedy juice but it really packed it out yeah I'm sitting there I'm talking to our old pal Louis CK oh wow yeah nice guy good man on the phone on the phone okay he's doing just fine folks a lot of people reaching out to me being like how what if he did this are you doing boo boo boo was he whatever he's doing well yep we're chatting on the phone which is nice Paul Giamatti walks by whoa Giamatti I gotta interrupt you Giamatti's walking by he's like oh I said I'm gonna play him one time what a wild world how about that I'm on the phone with Louis CK and Paul G

standing in front of me what a city wacky wacky nights what a lot of that two talented bald men yes two beautifully not beautiful spectacularly talented men two ugly geniuses yeah brilliant brilliant performers oh yeah and man but yeah gee my healing a whole entourage walking around him which was weird cuz he doesn't feel like an entourage you guy I think I might have been like hangers on or something weird but anyways that was a fun moment woke up the next morning had the first flight I'm going to Pearl Jam of course we've talked at ad nauseam about Pearl Jam here of a big nut and they're playing

safe go field Wednesday Friday I got tickets to both fan club tickets for Wednesday and now I get paranoid these Pearl Jam shows they mean so much to me so I bought the first flight I wanted to fly out Tuesday but then you lose a day with the wife you love the way I love the wife more than I love Pearl Jam even interesting you've seen Pearl Jam more probably so then I get the early flight first flight out 7 15 a.m. flight which is brutal JFK or legua JFK even worse so I got a 5 15 wake up you got that right which is 2 15 Seattle time so I'm I got a 2 15 Seattle time now just to jump ahead these Pearl Jam shows they go for

5 6 9 hours so the show ends at 11 30 Seattle time so that's I mean almost 21 hours later yeah so I get to pick up take the car out there to Seattle and it's so exciting these Pearl Jam shows I get to the terminal or the gate and everybody's decked out in Pearl Jam every guy Pearl Jam this some pop records fucking and then like sometimes it's like associated you don't want to wear the Pearl Jam shit so you have like the associated shirt but I'm like they're going to the show this guy's wearing a Melbourne shirt this guy's got but whole surfers shirt I got a better solo shirt and it's like we're a team the

whole gang like your people we're all looking at each other wink I bumped into a fan John or Matt or Mike or Steve and it was the night after the roast battle and he's like ah your wife killed you last night he's like I'm John or whatever his name was that and that was exciting and we start talking Pearl Jam he's like well you got good time going to this show you're going to that show like if you need extra tickets I have an extra ticket we're sitting fan club the one night and there's all this shorthand I love it it's exciting and everybody half the flight is fucking Pearl we're all winking at each other high-fiving looking I

hope to play this I hope they play that suck my dick eat my ass I blow any and then like you get off you get off the plane at the end and like it felt like we were a team they felt like a sports team like arriving for the big night the shows in a few hours and like one by one we're all walking off with our gear it was so exciting you feel like a part of a thing a situation a scene is happening it's an out of shape sports team so then I get there and you know Derek's about 40 minutes late to pick me up a big D what happened that was a bummer you know it's a whole situation he's got kids I'll get over it so he picks me up then we go out

I'm on an Alchi Beach West Seattle feels like a second home or a third home I guess I got Massachusetts New York Seattle the whole thing yes the big three you live long enough you have enough close friends you have feel like you have all these second homes LA you visited a bunch I got Chris Walsh over there and then I got Ohio I got like Kanner's family and then of course Massachusetts then Seattle and so I'm out there in Seattle great time I just love West Seattle Alchi Beach Lincoln Park your mother's got the whole thing and then my parents are coming in they're flying out because they want to come see every time I'm there

I'm like you guys would love it this craft beer it's green and the Pearl Jam and the and Derek's family you guys got to come out so they're coming out which is like a dream come true you know wow not for me I always wanted them out there to see what you want the parents to see the stuff sure and they like the jam or do they not care now they don't care my dad I've taken to a few shows I like music I don't know I don't know any things to be honest hard to read that fellow he's a tough tough read I struggle with it but I think he likes it is it a Henry Steve dad is Steve Steve nice Steve Steve list huh it's a real Steve he doesn't feel

like a Steve nice Stevie to me Steve's usually like Steve oh really I find Steve to be a little more subtle look at Steve oh no he's a maniac but that's Steve oh hey Steve that's Steve oh Steve my dick I'm Steve oh I'm trying to give another Steve any oh Marco is weird polo solo on solo home oh dildo Harpo Groucho yeah Chico I had a whole idea for years about the fifth Marx brother called dildo blue to get in the act I love it he's got dildos hanging he's like your mother's god he's just saying horrible stuff it's black and white you know they're kicking him out of the club dildo Marx yeah he's

like this should be the bed he's like what if I raped a woman they're like you can't do that all right and like you do it in real life and Harpo's like quiet hobo all right well that's pretty good yeah so the whole family's out in West Sea well they don't come they're coming in late Wednesday night I get there Wednesday and what I'm gonna get emotional reliving it because it was such a special fun great weekend as like dreams come true Pearl Jam in Seattle Derek is kids the whole thing and so I go hang out I'm hanging out at his house with the kids and I'm whipping them around it's so fun you get his daughter's six and the

son Joe to how cute and we're on the bed it's so fun to just fucking manhandle some children oh yeah you grab by the ankle you can just do a helicopter and whip and they love it I love it yeah you can really take out some steam on these tikes and now now his his daughter's my buddy that's my pal so we're happy to see each other I mean like this is like one of my favorite it's a child she's fucking six one of my favorite people in the world about the genuinely funny it's so funny you meet a kid who's like you're a funny person interesting six-year-old girl like you're actually a funny person yeah it's very exciting and bizarre that

is nice you don't to fake it what's funny is Joe he's only two I saw him you know a year ago I saw him up for a little bit four months ago he doesn't even know who I am I'm just some random person that walks in I'm just picking him up and throwing him against the couch and whipping him upside down he's dying laughing like this kid has no defense mechanism wouldn't that be weird to have a stranger just tossing around as like a 34 year old and he's like this is great yeah you're laughing they're tickling your belly and like you know you know children or babies only have two fears what are the fears falling and I can't

remember the other one hmm shit we're only in bed to be innately we only have two fears really I can't remember the other one because you learn them eventually you learn oh a burglar could break in you don't know what a burglar is when you're that young well I think we talked about this before there was some loud noise baby I can't remember well I read a book I think we talked about this before some philosopher believed it was in like the tick-knot hunter Eckhart Tolle one of those guys that all of our fear memories Tara Brock or Jack cornfield is one of those people that's who I've read a lot was there we

only have really two fears adults all of our fears are stemmed from two things dying or being alone like all of your fears are directly related Alan our therapist disagrees but I think it's a good point that's something like a height you're afraid of falling off that's right of commitment you're afraid to like that the person isn't gonna like you or you're gonna die without the person or you're gonna be alone or fear of you know fear of snakes is dying or fear of public speaking is like you're gonna say something stupid everyone will hate you and won't want to be around you so they're all directly related to those two

things chew on that when you get a chance but anyways it's just funny these kids aren't like what's up with you there's no like I guess they assume like well you're in my house so you must be okay you're welcome yeah but I beat this not out of them that was fun for a while children let me went to Pearl Jam and I got the the fan club general admission now there's a big they're playing the stadium safe go field which is 47,000 people but there's a whole section I don't know if it's a thousand people that's just an open general admission pit yo yeah and I got those secret the best seats in the house really they're not the

seats they're stands but you can you mash you can get no one really moshes anymore we're old now yeah yeah and people you're like I was trying to watch the show get away from me but we get there early and then there's some beautiful fans I gotta look up the name they wanted to meet me because they were like we can't go to your show on Thursday because we're leaving town but they're like we want to we got a gift for you we want to give you this gift oh my lord you're meld viewer is it melding you're melding the two people the Pearl Jams in the twos I was trying really trying to do that and fuck I gotta find

her name and son of an onion I'll find it after I'll put it in post but she was so sweet she was messaging me like I we gotta meet you beforehand we got we got a present for you and it was so nice oh I have one for you too for me yeah I gotta find this son of a bitch I love these people so I'm in line with the merch line and she comes running down the aisle she's like Joe over here she comes over gives me two uber gift cards one for you one for me car with a lovely thing in there and there was a cigar which I smoked the night of the show right after the show holy hell uber beautiful cigar two uber gift cards so kind it

wasn't you look like a million bucks as I'm in line at the merch line so it's like Joe list and I'm like yeah you know signing autographs and taking photos and coming back with give her was like who the hell's this guy right right wow I'm more of a lift guy so that was exciting I used lift exclusively but we plugged it into my my friend yeah I'm not but I plugged it into my friends uber we got home that night there you go so that night I used her gift card to get home and smoked the cigar thank you madam special night I gotta find them but my messages are all locked in here I got 10 different people have messaged me so now

I can't find it merch line at the comedy show yes oh here she is Lisa Lisa turtle Lisa and somebody else Lisa it's a great as a guy I forget his name maybe she never gave his name but anyway she was sweet as pie lovely gal thank you Lisa thank you Lisa's mate you're good people and we really appreciate it was so nice and kind maybe it filled me with warmth yes warm so then the show starts and we're about 40 feet from the band up there in the pit three hour show killer killer show rock and roll at its finest 36 show at my 37th on Saturday this time Derek came with his wife Erica this time we had seats and that was killer I felt

bad there's a guy in front of us with like a big pearl jam tattoo and like the the poster backpack things by the merch he was his son you could just broke my heart you could tell he was like I want to bring my son to his first pearl jam show I know where's he's going and the kid just was slouching in this seat made no effort to stand or here arms arms folded and like three songs in you can see the guy like elbow and his killer come on like what are you doing the kid was just like God this sucks and then he just picked him up and they left four songs and the guy's probably into a hundred shows 300 bucks the whole thing

parking and his kid just he should have been aborted I mean that kids he should fake it for the dad thank you for the dad a ration you've snot nose cunt well he has no idea how badly this is breaking his father's heart maybe the dad beat some or like never around cuz he was at pearl jam shows or whatever but man I felt so bad for the guy and then I feel another bad speaking of fans but the kid's name was Jeremy probably Jeremy Spokane Washington and then there was this with this woman Judith who's a Tampa lady probably met her before side splitters side splitters yeah she's always down there she's a big pearl jam

not she came out she came to my show in both I feel terrible I gotta make amends to her because she was sitting one section over like eight rows in front of me so I kept bumping into her the whole week is we're all going all these pearl easy street records and all these pearl jam places and she was nice she had a friend who's I forget her name to we're chatting talking pearl jam talking comedy I come down before the show I have a good show hope you enjoy it I'll be right over there if you need me and then in the middle of the show this guy in front leaves so I sent her a Twitter message being like hey the row in front

of me because I had better seat she was lower and blocked by the speaker so I'm like I got an empty row if you guys want to come up here yeah but I wrote the wrong section so she went to the next section over she's like packed she's like and then she was very nice about it she's like I couldn't find the row I didn't see what you're talking about you wrote 137 I was like fuck me hard you're ruined her day so instead of giving her a better seat I just made her like look in the dark being like hello Joe like it was like Costanza at the movie theater so sorry Judith sorry Jew I fucked you but anyways hope you enjoyed the show to

kill a killer pearl jam shows the second one three and a half hours I went bananas I lost my voice I lost my hearing yes virginity great night I lost that six months earlier but that's neither here nor there that's good and then Saturday I'll just speed through it was sub pop records festival they turn 30 sub pop fest down Alchi Beach we went down to that that was great killer killer time any bands of note well mud honey was there father John Misty I didn't see we had to go back with the kids with us that was a whole thing and then now the guy from Presidents the United States of America remember that she's large of

course he's now a big peaches kid singer kid singer his name is Casper banana pants or something like that it's a good name for a kid singer and he's big the second part is not right Casper's real but he does all these kids songs we went and watched him the kids loved he's like a mosh pit of children I feel like that's what you failed he sings up to bubble bubble bubble Bob the dino went boo but he sings it in a way I mean it's got a pedophile Presidents United States is all very kiddish also I mean the peaches yeah peaches for me yeah it's kid songs he's love he went right over to kids songs and it was just great it was a

great rock and roll I dreamed all day in class about a rock and roll weekend wow great time great great Seattle weather my parents were there they drank the beers we went to Pike's place we went to the beach we went to the park we sat in Derek's backyard we grilled out we got some halibut and ate up some fish some rice pilaf hung with the kids special special time in my life I really loved it and it's hard to come back now I'm back I'm trying not to be back to work I know I haven't written a joke I haven't tweeted I'm gay and but you got to let you live in you're living in it not to mention that Pacific air comes in

on that back porch when you're in Seattle the air is fresher and the weather is better it's a little the air is a little wet it's wet it was rock and roll it was just beautiful it was family and it was just dreams coming true really touching and I love the kid and kids really put you in the moment oh yeah children they're living baby as you're in the moment you're hanging with them and you're you're having some fun you can really learn and laugh and it was really just a hearty fun time some interesting thing about children because you're very booty Buddhist D tick not anal you got the whole thing going live in the moment

live in the now be you be free and you're aware this will all dissipate this is just a moment in time and they're not but yet somehow they're more in the moment than you yeah I think because they're unaware of it exactly they're not awareness is nice it's the beginner's mind all that stuff they're just there does this is it this is it but you can slowly they develop anxiety you can see them develop it the really young ones they're completely in the moment oh like animals animals are just in the moment a deer is never thinking about what he said two nights earlier the question is would you rather know or not know well

I'd rather be I'd like to be a human of most of all the animals no no no I'm saying as a kid or not a kid like the kids don't know they're just living life there's I want a candy I go get a candy I want to play with Joe I go play with Joe but they weren't thinking I gotta soak every inch up this is amazing I'm gonna die one day holy hell well the thing is you have to try to do both you have to have the knowledge but not let the knowledge of illness and death bum you out you're gonna just stay in the moment and know that that's coming except that and it's not here yet yeah we're doing okay yeah we're doing okay folks don't

look now but you're doing okay well speaking of okay it's a year at your wedding you know Anna what are we talking about just just past a year now well first of all I want to say this I had a weird running oh geez we're almost out of time I know I know but we'll see we'll do more later okay I did an hour set at the fat black pussy cat yes and you know it's one of the cool things the comedy seller does you if you you check out a time slot they let you do an hour which is insane to do an hour in New York City and we sold it out nice Tuesdays there I had a couple friends open for me Ian Lara and Brendan air and

they did a couple minutes and we sold it out and it was just magical just doing I had fans there there were Tuesdays there thanks for coming out it got to the point where I was walking in I heard people going there is that's a good feeling that's the best feeling you're like who me what I'm not that I'm a piece of garbage but you go in you go on and you can see I'm going this is the guy I told you about which is so nice that people were talking about you in another setting that's what we need that's what we tell a friend so I go on I have a fun set I'm hanging out with a couple people later we're on the sidewalk one guy's

waiting for an uber and I'm just standing there with him he's like Google you know on his phone and I'm looking around in this this homeless guy you know he didn't look too bad he just you know he looked like a kid like ah my basketball team needs money here's some candy who's he looked like one of those guys so he walks up to me he goes hey you got any change I go I was being dead serious I wouldn't try to fuck with him I go I actually gave it to a guy just before you because that's a thing in New York you get so many hobos that you might give your change one guy and you bump into another hobo and he goes where's it

changing I gave to him they go ah I know we've talked about you gonna have a hat or light or something like a good person I gave yeah so he's like oh yeah he didn't like that and I go yeah I gave it up what do you want and he goes how much did you give and it was like very aggressive like how much you give like poking at me and I go I don't know change was change and he goes all right and I go yeah yeah well what's the problem and he's like mmm I don't think he gave the guy change it was like a Larry David moment with the hobo wow so eventually that my friend he was like looking down his phone he goes ah there's this the

car and we walk away and he goes yeah walk away like what the fuck yeah of course I'm walking away yeah hang out yeah exactly so it was a whole weird thing then the whole night you know my friend gets in the car I'm just like should I have done something I push this guy you start picturing yourself do you do that I go back to my apartment I get into a fist fight in my head in the dark oh I'm always arguing in my head I'm undefeated in my head I still lose sadly it's bad it's a bad way to live you gotta move on the guy's unstable he's ununcoothed and he's crazy I just wish I had a better skill of being able to be

funny and quick in those moments like those aggressive what do you call that fighter not really fighter fight confrontational yes sorry I touched your leg um well that was bare skin there I know but yeah so I yeah I just you know I've held hold those a convertational moments I wish I was on stage I'm fine with a microphone I'm fine but I wish in those moments I was a little zippier because I'm too worried about the confrontation to think clearly right but this is an unstable but you shouldn't be getting in in these street people I mean he's an unfortunate soul this guy yeah you're right it's one thing if it's a

guy at a bar or like a club manager or a heckler this guy's you know he's a street person yeah he's got some problems all right so he's got some problems poppy's a little sloppy so I go back home now I've lived it up I had a couple beers with all of my friends Donnelly was out and I this guy got an Uber I was yelling at a hobo now it's like four in the morning or three in the morning and I have a flight at 6 a.m. which means I have to beat the airport for five which means I'm so I just stay up all night yeah which is never good but I had no choice so I stay up all night I'm going straight to Cape Cod for a wedding

girlfriend's sister is getting married and I go oh wow this will be nuts but it's gonna be a bit getting to Cape Cod is harder than getting to New Orleans it's the weirdest thing cuz I first of all I had to go to the airport now I'm on no sleep I'm like all right the flight to Boston is 45 minutes literally right so I'm like all right I'll get through the security line sleep in the terminal for ten minutes then I'll get on the plane sleeper 45 minutes if I like I'll just sleep all the time I have right like you have no trouble falling asleep you're not worried about the flight you're not worried about ever so of course I don't

sleep in the terminal I get on the plane they bumped me up to first class that's nice so I'm like oh this is something but it's a 45 minute flight so what are you gonna do so I steal some stuff from the airport as you do and I get on the airplane I can't fall asleep then you land in Beantown now I have to get on a Peter Pan bus to go to Hyannis now where is the family where's the girl they're already there she's in the the wedding party two weeks early and then you know fuck so I get to high I get to airport gotta get on a Peter Pan bus Peter Pan bus is late finally I get on the bus and the ladies text me like we

gotta pick you up in Sagamore get out at Sagamore okay so now we're on the bus and I go up to the front guys giant guy with ear but big beats by Dre and I go excuse me sir I look like such a puss I'm like excuse me does this get off at Sagamore he goes behind the line I go Jesus well does it get off at Sagamore goes behind the line I go all right I'm sorry so now I just go sit back down now I'm the guy going excuse me is it off at Sagamore all these like weird tatted up Bostonians like red socks or whatever I'm like Jesus Christ got a great team yeah so now I'm just trying to read signs and I'm looking looking out the window

going alright does that say Sagamore maybe I can see a sign to Sagamore 10 miles or something but then I fall asleep now I fall asleep after the whole shebang I'm not trying to sleep forget it I fall asleep no no mind you this is an hour bus ride but it could go for five hours this is going all the way to Montreal for all I know yeah so I go oh shit so I wake up I'm like how long was I out I look at my phone eight missed calls oh I was like oh my god I'm fucked I missed the wedding I hate myself I gotta kill the beats my tray eight calls so I go I look at the phone she goes where are you what are you doing

why are you answering what happened I go ah oh I fell asleep I'm up and I look out the window it says Sagamore oh no he goes that's Sagamore great bus sound oh thank you yeah and I go holy hell I just happened to wake up at the Sagamore stop I grabbed my stuff and I'm wearing a full suit by the way because I didn't know I'm going to the rehearsal dinner what the whole time they're like you gotta be here by noon the rehearsal dinner and I'm thinking rehearsal dinner like at noon I gotta be there it's like a big lunch put it on last night and I slept in it I did basically I slept on the bus oh my god so I get out of the bus

they're right there waiting for me I was like oh my god this is all in that that sleepy haze too yeah I'm the only guy on this bus in a suit by the way so then I get off the Peter Pan bus I got some fairy dust and uh I'm fucking what's the what I'm a lost boy yeah you're like red yes Shawshank thank you Shawshank uh quite a honeypot so then uh I get picked up by your dad and he's like what are you in a suit there I'm like yeah yeah and he's wearing a bathing suit and Daisy Dukes and a tube top I'm like oh my god I'm sweating bullets we get to the rehearsal and everybody's in shorts the whole

things of sham I feel like an idiot I'm out there in the sun in a suit so we had a great time we uh we go to the the big party the pre-part of the wedding is on Saturday it's Friday they have a big party and uh you know you just get shitfaced basically in this food and it's a great time very New England you know a lot of pastel and big hats and uh Cape Cod drinks and vodka sodas get sloppy play some cornhole eat some fish you know blackout now I've gotten a black we black out of like four in the morning 9 a.m door kicks open we're sitting like a cottage and it's the whole wedding party all the girls the bridesmaids the maids of honor

whatever you call it geesa lay in they all come in and they all go hey we're doing our hair and makeup in here they put on Beyonce the whole place is wreaking a hair spray they got a professional makeup lady you know she rolls out that giant artillery shell thing full of makeup I'm like oh my god I can't sleep so being the the girlfriend's brother go all right well let's let's hit the town I'm so hung over I still haven't gotten a full night's sleep we go hit the town we go to like the flea market Cape Cod it's just it's beautiful but it's just like a small dead town it's all beach which town are you in I'm in a Yarmouth oh right Yarmouth Dennis Yarmouth what do you think that's fine it's just cute boring there's a little church here there's a

little diner here yeah it's whatever there's bars yeah it's whatever so I go to a fucking flea market just to kill some time I'll blow through this and so the girl is giving a speech your girl yeah oh boy so that she's terrified she's not you know exactly a public speaker plus she's speaking in front of her family they're very judgmental it's New England she's got a nail but she wants to kill fear being alone yes gotta kill she wants to nail the speech but everyone else is giving speech and there's like this is a poem from Robert Frost you know the ducks are geese and blow me and all that and then love is in the air and you know late September back in 63 so uh she's freaking out about the speech so we we stay up I meant to tell you we stay up the whole

night before the speech writing the speech oh we're working on it she's freaking out and I got some good lines in there if I don't if I don't mind uh saying but she uh the wedding comes she kills the speech I'm on no sleep we get drunk there's a bonfire on the beach after the wedding the whole thing was great I hope I'm not leaving anything out yeah oh yeah that's right uh three million drinks uh I danced with their grandmother that was awkward they have s'mores on the beach after bonfire then we go to bed we wake up the next day we go out to the beachcomber it's a famous bar out there they they shook their own oysters right off the water it's a beautiful beach like right on the sand so cool then we drive to p-town you ever been to province town I have yes spent a couple

nights there by myself if you know what I mean uh-huh it's a big gay haven it's the gay haven I was like the original gay haven yes it's way up on the the hook of the cape right on the the toe the fingernail yes and uh I'll tell you it's manicured and boy there are just gay guys walking on the street you know uh fully decked out and drag and all these drag shows and all these guys buff and hot pants and boots and uh boy that's a cool play the gays know how to party they know how to live it up well the gay means happy right I mean they're they're gay they are gay they're out there being gay it's beautiful you see those guys with the big purple thongs and that giant cock fucking filling it out makes you wonder why aren't the lesbians as chipper I don't know there might be some chipper

lesbian I think maybe lesbian but they're not it's not a thing well part of it is like I think that they have all the the harshness of being gay and also of being women that's like it's like a double difficult it's had a tough go of it these gay women well but I feel like straight women are way more chipper than gay women I feel like gay men are way more chipper than straight men that is interesting I don't know well men are very sexually driven it seems this may be a stereotype it seems like the gay sex is just flowing so they're all getting laid they're they got empty balls out there yeah they're fucking everywhere that's a great point you know what I mean straight guys are all pent up we can't just get laid as easily yeah and gay man there's tons of

gay hot men yes there's way less hot gay women so a lot of them might be you know eating the box of someone they're not that attracted to right bad but gay men they're studs but I feel like gay women could be as hot as straight women they choose to be male looking they got the business suit on the flat top and the shitty glasses but some are no sure like I think my wife's a beautiful woman she shaved her head and put on a pair of overalls I'd still find her attractive but why shave the head is what I'm saying why not look hot as hot as you do I'm saying it doesn't matter what they do they could have long curls and heels and pumps and tits they just got weird faces wait wait do you think because a woman is a lesbian and likes a gash that she's got an ugly your face and in my

experience I mean there's some hot ones like Brandy Carlisle is very beautiful she's a lez she's a big lez I didn't know that I see a lot that I'm like yikes what's going on here Portia de la Rossi there's a lot of hot dikes out there all right now but there's more hot gay guys because they choose they work out they go it's a thing they go for it so you're saying they're just not working out and they're not dressing well I'm saying if you're gonna have a shaved head as a woman you're gonna be less attractive than a woman with a full head of long flowing locks I'm saying the majority of hot women I've seen in my life have been straight I agree but that's by choice they work at it I'm saying lesbians work at it less than straight women and gay guys work at it more

than it sounds like you're talking about the uh to use a negative term the butch uh-huh the butch male women yes it's still like a female effeminate version yes but why that I don't see that many hot ones well you could do the same with gay guys they're still the the super buff hot gay guy then is the bear I'm attracted to all gay men same I like gay women I don't know if we're supposed to be talking about this I don't either but it's a it's something to think about the whole I do think so maybe not the attractive thing but I think the getting laid thing is something I think you got something there yeah I think they're blowing each other and they're coming on each other's backs and that they're just chipper the key to happiness is uh just getting laid and that's all we're

trying to do but the women are holding us back if a guy was coming on my back nightly I'd be a lot more chipper sure and sticky whoa like that oh geez all right so we had a great time and uh took the took the amtrak back and uh good to be back in New York and I had the same thing I did Legion of skanks the other night and I just felt unfunny because you go three days without telling a joke and cracking wise and uh now we got to get back into it yeah it's cuckoo cuckoo puffs for dinner I got uh I mean at the time of recording this at the time you're hearing this I'm in Albany this weekend but uh right now as we're recording I'm about to go to Dallas and I feel like I haven't done comedy but it doesn't take a long to get back in we're back in the swing it's funny guys

I'm a swinger so um what are you gonna do who are you gonna blow this weekend I'm at the Albany funny bone with Tom Dustin so come on out to that if you're anywhere within the area come on out it always me even if nine people come out total it means so much to us we really appreciate it Chipotle gift card always means a lot goes a long way keep yelling at him on twitter by the way they're gonna crack soon yeah and then patreon get on the patreon we're putting so much stuff up there it's exciting time to be alive and it keeps going up so thank you for joining everyone that has joined thank you we're up to almost a thousand people I believe holy dick or 900 whatever that's almost a thousand yeah it's getting there and then Norway I haven't plugged Norway I'm coming

to Norway with Sarah in October uh Bergen two shows in Bergen and one show in Oslo I put the ticket link on my twitter huntsville alabama coming to and I got Sarah on board which thank god because I was not seeing her for a big chunk of time but she's now coming to huntsville with me yes so uh check out her podcast veg check out come out to huntsville alabama uh where else cleveland uh funny patch what the hell's the name of that club hilarity's uh yeah funny patch hilarity's in cleveland with canner albany funny bone with tom dustin huntsville alabama with sarah tallamage norway with sarah tallamage portland in december i'm coming all all over the country you're going to norway yeah holy dick can't wait all right i'm gonna be at hyenas as well

i'm going to hartford this weekend we'd love to see some tuesdays out in the canada cut uh what else is there shit in my mouth zany chicago wisconsin uh liberty funny bone that's basically cincinati bitsburg oh jeez i know i'm leaving out a good one what's that good one i'm missing there folks you'd know it you'd love it it's all on the website omaha then tampa uh so yeah a lot of stuff gotham in new york new jersey stress factory uncle vinnie's liberty funny bone rumors in winnipeg and uh seattle i'm going out to the pacific anal so uh yeah a lot of good stuff check the website markdoincomedy.com we got stuff on youtube we got albums telefriend october 30th improv in hollywood for the live app big guest big fat guest harry guest big shirtless guest daisy there chachi and uh

yeah i'm gay you're fat we're all come guzzling nazis and uh thanks we love you and we'll see you in hell july please believe that we've got