Tuesdays with Stories! - #260 Wacky Legs

Episode Date: August 28, 2018

Hoo boy, it's a down home Tuesday's as Joe see's where Kennedy got shot while in Dallas and Mark performs for a rowdy crowd in New Orleans before doing an all-time hell gig warming up the crowd at the VMA's! Check it out! Sponsored by: Away Travel (awaytraveL.com/TUESDAYS, code: TUESDAYS) Subscribe to our Patreon where we're crankin' out bonus episodes every week! You can listen on any podcast app! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy oh I get hit twice all right there it is I hit twice keep your eye on that battery there fatty yeah I gotta look at the battery battery all right John Fadigate we miss you fatty hey John Fadigate stand up labs we're not

listening that's for sure we move networks folks we're independent we are independent yes like Bernie how's he Andy he's Andy he's Andy but then he had to run as a Democrats and now it's a whole situation who knows what boy I had a real Trump chat with a guy a real-life Trump or in Texas in Texas Tejas a house by good pal and he was like you think you start to think like these guys must be out of their minds this guy's in his mind he's just you know incorrect I know a couple Trumpies who are you know good decent folk they're just old-fashioned I guess yeah I suppose but here's the thing this is where I don't want to start

talking about politics people not out of the gate they'll be tuning out on any part of the gate yeah we'll do it on a queef no gate they're gonna pay for it but some of these people they admit they're like oh yeah his behavior is humiliating but I like his policy but like that's strange mm-hmm like that's completely humiliating as a fucking idiot but you know I like it right really odd yeah I think that's odd to be like yeah yes I am humiliated by him yeah but I like his policy so I don't care if we like that's weird he is entertaining yeah he's very entertaining all right we better not talk about God bless America

what's a great country we're doing great he's better than most comics out there I'll say that at humor humor right to eat it I mean he does a great retard oh yeah he starts killing makes fat jokes about women I don't know there's some funny stuff there I just was reading that you know a big pearl gym guy they got into some heat because their poster portrayed Donald Trump dead getting eaten by a bird and all these people on the thing we're like this is classless fuck pearl to the cloud like you I mean this is the one thing I'll say politically you have no moral high ground if you want to vote for Trump be

Trump and politics can serve whatever it is but you can't call people classless if you're something like he's literally like making fun of retards and grabbing by the pussy so like make fun of liberals for like their ridiculous hypocrisy I mean we shit on liberals more than any more than we should like conservatives definitely I mean they've gone bananas batshit the new left their idiots but like and talk about taxes and shit on Obama whatever you want to do but you can't be like Pearl Jam is class if Trump is the definition of class list oh yeah he's gonna tie with tape on it I mean he's

calling him a dog he's calling LeBron an idiot I mean shithole countries I mean the literally retard voicing phase it's like what are you talking about the guy he's talking about his dick size in a presidential debate like make any argument except for Pearl Jam is classless I mean like what are you doing you fucking idiots also Eddie Vedder climbs things yeah he's in shorts and combat boots I know well that was some time ago but still I'm thinking of my gay sister rock and roll baby anyways sorry for the part that's all we'll talk about but uh oh my god we're down to one bar on the battery I mean this could be does it blink before it dies I think it'll it'll go to zero bars and then we'll both

shit ourselves I think it blinks doesn't it I think it blinks so do you we have to use I'm a blinker we have to use I wait one eighty two yeah boy ah blink one eighty two that's not bad yeah blinker put your turn your blinker off old man anyways we have to use it down to the nothing because otherwise we're just throwing away good batteries I only use it on the two battery thing I bought a chup pack we're on the 13th battery already a chup pack that's what you call like bulk oh bulk I buy bulk chup pack is what's in my pants big jump hey I got my seller spots a 955 oh never get a 955 I'm always getting 3am 4am 955 that's good that means you're early but not first yes uh oh I got mine and she says quit the business wow I got a 940 I got

two 940s damn it that means I'm first this reminded me of something uh Mike Vecchione has a new album out right now it's called the worst kind of thoughtful came out on Friday I love Mike go buy it don't even think about it don't try to steal it don't try to whatever go purchase this file or stream and I'm sure you get residuals whatever Mike Vecchione one of the best comics the reason I thought of it I tell you I was sitting next to him the other day we did Bobby's pod he got his seller spots the the text was 10 inches long oh really that guy is working the seller yeah he's a chup pack that guy he's killing it and one of the bad people talk about there's no good comics anymore he's good oh he's great go buy his shit as good as it gets go listen

to it he's got a chup pack a mile on his his dick is longer than that text message is he packing no actually I just realized he's not yeah he's built like R2D2 I forgot I brought it up I was like you have the face of a guy with a huge dick he's like I really don't have a huge that's a bummer poor guy he stands like he does he's like a mountain of a man even though he's shorter but he's he's built he's a real man that guy's a man Rick house that guy yeah funny as a Jew yeah him and my wife did like a nine hour car ride I was like oh boy this could be I'm gonna be divorced by the end of this yeah he's beefy he's got guns you have that feeling with women where you have a nice girl and I got a nice girl but you ever think like boy if she really did some research

I'd be out sexual research not even just sexual just as a man like I've talked about this before I was in Santa Cruz you go to Oahu you watch these guys surf I'm like how are we getting laid these guys are like flowy hair and every muscles tight and they're like they just surf and like drip seawater I'm like I want to blow this guy they're talking to the dolphins they're in with nature they're swinging on vines I was in Hawaii for a comedy fest it was me and a bunch of dorks climbing this rock and then we looked over the rock he's supposed to jump in and we're like I can't do it and these fucking natives came up with spears and ponytails and they just doing backflips and kicking us in the dick and then doing a handstand then a backflip out of the handstand into the water to a perfect

dive I'm like god damn these are men where do they get those cloths I'd like to wear one of those cloths I think they make them really they make them out of out of leaves do we have any Hawaii fans I feel like we never get any Hawaiian tweets oh yeah let's do a live in Hawaii oh that'd be not like Elvis uh-huh we'll satellite feed that shit yeah if you're in Hawaii send me a cloth I'd love to walk around the cloth on loin cloth what is loin there's a tender loin and there's your loins by loins pork loin do you have loins you know your loins are you're growling or whatever when you get horny oh really you know you gotta set your loin what is it sew your roots or your roots in your loins loin bridges I gotta get my notes here inside loin Davis oh boy I just

rewatched inside Lewin Davis that movie is masterful oh so good that's the one guy I would bang Oscarize it if your girlfriend's like hey if you could if you had to fuck one guy who would it be it'd be him for me oh really he's hot he's interesting he's a he's an artist he picks good roles he's a good actor Guatemalan is he Guadi born in Guatemala squatty Guadi yeah he's a squatty body Guatemala wow I thought he was uh an itel Jew well he can play anything this guy I mean he's dead he was like kind of an Italian ish Jew in Lewin Davis then he's whatever oh I watched X market he said those movies are two masterpieces amazing back to back I mean those are two of the best movies I've ever seen in my whole life there you go and a violent year is

good too a most violent year I thought it was hard to get through yeah I thought it was good and I watched it I'm like that's a good movie he's good he's got great hair I'm gay not particularly violent for a year I was waiting for more violent I'm not a big gore gook um but I wanted some more well he he won the popular election gore hello folks hey well that's a an ugly truth inconvenient inconvenient yes but not that attractive either now he's got a bad neck tipper is not the best either tipper tipper that's his wife tip a gore all right tip a gore dude big tipper uh where do we start where do we go I mean you want to do so you got a big thing we should save that for the uh asshole finale that Nazi all right well I got a couple things nothing

crazy well I was tejas tejas you know I love tejas my wife is from there and uh everything's bigger I always want to like get off the plane and my dick just grows it'd be nice you know texas toast but uh I got upgraded to first class love a first class nothing better because we fly all the time and then I've had multiple flights across country and international so I got to go to JFK and as you may or may not know I live about 10 minutes from LaGuardia airport so JFK kills me because I got to drive past LaGuardia to get there the war I hate Jifk you're looking out there your head pressed against the window looking at the lagoon when I got to go to Jifk right uh but I fly so I'm flying out of LaGuardia direct flight 10 minutes from my house first class first

one on the plane first one off the plane and we talk so much about horrible travel I it's important to be grateful for good travel you got that right I had two flights the flight home from Dallas left early you ever hear that they were like well we're all accounted for we're out of here that seems illegal we ended well because everyone's on there I like that it would be fucked up if one person hadn't made it you can't leave early you just see the guy running down the tarmac yeah but he's like we got 72 souls on board we're hitting it and I was like great we got in about 35 minutes early I was literally the first one off the plane which feels good it's fun to watch the door come in the yes now were you because sometimes on those smaller planes it's a row of one and then there's a two

row on the other side of the aisle like a row of two I was in the two okay it's always nice when you're the one on first class one a tried to get the one I was one C but I was an aisle so I don't know oh because they keep it kosher because you're wearing a onesie because C is the aisle seat all the way down so even if it's a there's just no B it's a CD what when it's one and two there's no B why not go ABC because they want to keep it consistent so C is on the left all the way down interesting so if you're like the flight attendant walking down you're like one C and 15 C and 16 C are all essentially the same side I hear you otherwise you'd have a B over here no C over there oh yeah I don't know what a B where we're running out of B's

oh that's true hurting the economy yeah climate change the environment nobody cares Trump um door tipper big tipper 20% there you go anyways so I get to Dallas and I liked out the first thing I did I go to Dallas I hang I go to the movie and junk a theater I saw black clansmen oh do tell that's pretty good all right you like a spike lead joint I do not like a spike lead joint I think he stinks frankly uh I don't want to say stay overrated I think he's the most overrated filmmaker of uh maybe possibly ever this guy I'll tell you I watched one of his movies last weekend I thought he the whole time because it sucked which one was it it's called inside man oh I know inside man stink the dialogue is so bad it's so tropey and cliche it's uh horrific yeah I feel

bad I'm not into it the 25th hour has parts I like and do the right thing I just I like but I don't love I never thought it was as brilliant as everybody thought stylistically though it looks cool it looks cool yeah it looks fine all right um I just never thought he was uh particularly great this is my favorite of the spike lead I said there's a lot of humor in it and uh it's fun it's dramatic I didn't some of it I'm like what's going on here is it a tonic whitey sucks ah not really I mean it's about fucking the kkk so it's like it's kkk sucks it doesn't I didn't feel overly like oh boy we're the devil but it's hard to watch sometimes we talk about like real racism it's a bummer it's brutal it's brutal when people are just like

it's like a group of kkk guys hanging out so you're like oh god this is awful I know it really is like wow the whipping and the chaiteling and the chasing a black guy down through the forest with a truck and then they got the the noose hanging ah just the n words terrifying those hard n words are unpleasant yes speaking of which my mother's calling ah I'll ignore but anyways went and saw that then Friday I go down to Dealey Plaza which I've spent time there before but I can't not be there I'm drawn this is where Kennedy was shot if you're not familiar folks back into the left back into politics again ah but liberal left I can't not go there I'm drawn to it it's such an amazing place in the world yet you gotta go if you love America and history and murder and conspiracy

and I mean is it all mapped out they go this is the x where he has head got blown out and his wife jizz and this is where the guy was in the book jizz depository I mean it's the whole thing there yeah well it's well it's the book depository is like kept exactly it looks exactly the way it looked and there's a museum the sixth floor museum you can go up there you can go up there and stand essentially where he stood wow it's amazing museum and then there's an x where he first gets shot in the back slash throat and then there's the x where his head gets blown off and then there's like some crazy guys down there like pitching conspiracy theory but it's great they're just sitting there like here but check out this photo they're showing you photos of his guts and his

asshole cool yeah it's pretty cool and then everything looks the same whereas the brutal was standing is still there you can fucking stand where he was standing he's gonna filmed it he's the filmer yeah big Jew uh huh so you it's so cool and then you can watch I sat there for like hours both going through both their thoughts like Oswald you're standing in the same spot and you're looking like up there's like Houston Street there's main street then he took a right onto Houston and then a left onto Elm and you're looking you're like Lee Harvey Oswald's a real guy that really happened you get you lose that in history sometimes that you're like oh yeah he shot him it's just stats it's books but that was a real human being who's 24 years old I think maybe 26 he was 24

and he had to have been sitting there for like a half hour waiting like that's parade right he's like he knows he's coming he's like am I gonna do this am I not gonna do this and then like the first car comes the second car you gotta be like that's not him that's not him right there he is like you first see him like you think about like you go to like a pearl jam show and the anticipation and then he's like there they come yes here we go he had that with Kennedy he's like that's him he's right there in the flesh probably the first time he's ever seen him in the flesh yes and that was when a president was a fucking president yeah like you didn't see him all the time you saw him three times on a black and white tv he wasn't tweeting fucking 11 times at civilians in the

morning not what your country can do for you he was that guy he was the game changer he was the Catholic Mick new game big new England and then he's he's coming up the thing and then like his heart must be pounding and then he doesn't do him there and he turns and he's like all right here we go I'm I'm in they had to have been a moment right before where he's like oh yeah three shots one misses he hits him in the back then he gets that kill shot the pink mist oh the wife's going bananas she jumps on top of she's screaming she chases the brain I mean the whole thing Conley's hit the whole bullshit they said she was trying to hold his brain in the skull she went to grab it like she's like we're gonna need that oh I would have had it shock you know yeah well someone the

government's got it somebody's got it so what do you think is it a cahoots is it a hoax is it no Dumbledore I think Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from the sixth story is what I think okay because they have all these conspiracy that the magic bullet in all this bullshit but the Conley was sitting lower than him and to the left of him and was turning like when you watch JFK the movie or whatever they showed this magic bullet theory they they presumed that Conley was sitting directly in front of him at the same level which isn't true he was sitting inward and turning and lower than him so that but how Oswald came to be if he was working I mean he said I'm just a patsy the whole thing I don't know the CIA the Cubans the mob all the stuff it's fascinating and it seems weird

that it's just one guy but maybe it was and then Ruby kills it the whole thing is bananas now who's Ruby Jack Ruby was a nightclub owner who with mob ties he murders Oswald on live TV just at a courthouse or had to bring him out of the police station someone must have snuck him in there wow it's so crazy like imagine now watching the president get shot in the face then two days later the guy that shot him gets shot on TV wow that'd be cool that would be uh that'd be a paper view unbelievable Netflix the whole thing yeah so let me ask you this now this is what 63 63 okay 63 63 and embracing it no late December so uh president's coming down 63 there's no security there's no cell phones not really much camera one guy's got a fucking super eight yeah I'm

Jew filming this and the president shot in the head by a guy in a book depository building now there's a ton of security you can't go to the airport with a cup of jizz you get pulled out you get flagged you're going through the radioactive man yes well detector thank you what's better do we want a world where we don't have all this bullshit and all the security and you got to go through metal detectors all day long get padded down and cavity search and the blue glove and the anal breaching or do we want to take some risks and have a baby have a guy get shot I would live some guys I'd love to be shot but I mean you don't want to live in a world where the president easily shot but some of this stuff I don't know it's hard to stop now I mean I think

that all the time with the president Obama and Trump like it seems like you could still kill a president I mean like yeah I guess no one seems to be attempting too much when we talked about this much when we were in DC we talked to the Secret Service guy there for a minute but remember you and I we were smoking cigars talking about shooting the president there's a whole thing because like Louis had the hotel room where you're like we can see right into the fucking White House here yes that's right they must have to check stuff there's a whole thing but like I don't know I see yeah he was icy I guess you got to be icy yeah he's supposed to make you be icy not ice this but uh yeah I don't know I mean like it still feels like there's got to be

like an opportunity because they can't be checking all the houses and the doors the whole thing but I don't know I don't know how it works but I think just a given a take it's like people say New York New York used to be dangerous it was edgy there was porno everywhere and hookers and jizz and heroin and now it's M&M stores and it's all a bunch of douchebags and Dwayne reads but you can walk down the street yeah I never really understand that romanticism of everyone getting mugged I've talked to Colin about it he's like I saw someone get mugged on both sides of the same street at the same time oh wow and he's like everybody got mugged like no one talks about it too like everybody got mugged pretty regularly yeah you had your dummy wallet they had all the extra things people

talk about it's horrible like like Colin's like he's like I missed that because that's what I grew up with he's like but it was horrible it's terrible yeah like obviously this is better I never feel unsafe in New York you heard that Larry David story where he said he'd walk from the improv to his apartment it was like six blocks and he would have to pretend to be handicaps and nobody would mess with him so he's walking down the street doing like the Trump retard oh that's hilarious yeah that's classless uh full classless chaps I never understand assless that's what a chap is yeah they're all assless yeah don't get it and they're classless um there's no class with chaps no no maybe chap stick that could be a buffer sticker there's no class with

chaps I like it all right school's out hey hey folks uh I gotta talk to you about away first class luggage at a coach price pretty clever I love away they gave us a free suitcase this thing's my favorite I was a duffle man I got rid of the duff now I'm a suitcase douche I love the away I travel every weekend I take it everywhere it's got a combination lock it's a perfect size it's light as hell it fits in every overhead but you can also get the big one or or the carry on whatever you like uh it's got the battery in it the battery's key plug that puppy in overnight you get five iPhone charges out of the battery count them that's a finski hot fiver I love the away it comes with a laundry bag it's got adapters

in it just in case you're in Europe or some weird Russian area check it out get on board love the away you got a hundred day free trial you don't like it send that puppy right back free shipping the whole Jew and uh yeah just a big fan now we got a special offer for you love away I'm actually sitting on my way right now waiting on a flight gotta hate Delta all right $20 off a suitcase visit away travel dot com slash Tuesdays and use promo code Tuesdays that's 20 bones off 20 clams smackers bucks $20 off a suitcase visit away travel dot com slash Tuesdays and use promo code Tuesdays check it out give it a whirl I love them take it easy back to the show but anyways I went down there great great time I mean just and then oh that was the other thing like

Kennedy say thank then I go downstairs to the grass you know the whole thing I'm doing the whole thing going through his head this guy has no idea he's just sitting there his head is about to get blown off yeah and he's just sitting there waving hi everybody hello wow and they were like there was a news report that you can watch all the news footage they're like well all the all the feet because it was a very hostile area you know Texas they hate them someone put out that wanted for treason with his picture on there like it was like some serious stuff happening yeah and they were like any idea any any thoughts of a threat to Kennedy were obviously not necessary it's a beautiful day and he's been greeted by hundreds of that and then boom he's dead yeah so I watched JFK for the

500th time great movie one of my favorite movies ever that's another one people get all upset about that movie like they're spreading lies and this is bullshit and this isn't really like it's a movie the guy's dead it's a film yeah it's not a documentary right but people are all up in our I read like 50 articles about the movie and whole thing I do that too I watch a movie then I go I wonder what people thought about this and I go reading and reading the reading takes longer than the movie it does well well not that movie that movie's nine hours long but one of the best movies ever and I just I fucking I love that movie oh Jesus great movie to punch your stone right big stone that's the best stone I find him to be a little overrated to be honest with you I mean the doors is okay

platoons amazing JFK is amazing Nixon's fine W I actually like I guess I like him all right you like him I like him maybe he's not overrated well natural born killers was a piece of garbage that's okay that's not great but like here's the thing like this is the thing with Spike Lee we're getting too wacky here this is like a bonus but the thing with Spike Lee like JFK and platoon are two of the best movies I've ever seen in my life two were like the all-time great films almost inarguably yes the best movies of all time cinema Spike Lee I'm like where is this I mean do the right thing it's powerful but I'm like is it one of the best movies of all time it's fun it's cool looking it's interesting yeah all right anyways inside man's crap and 24th hour had moments he got

game whatever I don't know yeah that was something I'm checking my notes yeah so anyways Dealey Plaza was fucking amazing and cool and how about this I said there was no problem on the airplane but there was one issue there was a guy next to me eating a lollipop on the airplane interesting what it was like an eight years old he was a grown man but here's the thing I'm doing a bit about it now a lollipop first of all they don't even sell them at the airport that's a from home lollipop and it's too noisy to eat that close it's like this suck it on a home clock I'm like dude you I'm getting horny over here yeah get out of here looking in the suction and the spittle I hate that no I get the hell out of here with the home pop too intimate too intimate it's going in and out in

and out you rub it on the tongue a few times it's clicking on the teeth it's sucky there was there was teeth clicking teeth click distinct teeth clicking and just the sucking in the drool I was like God I wanted to beat off but I didn't like it and then how about this this is the other thing I was at LaGuardia going through the security it was like you know the old like I think Gary Valentine I can't remember was Kevin James or Gary Valentine it was one of those two that way guy well they're cousins I didn't know that what maybe I did yeah they play well they're brothers they play cousins on the show it's one of the other all right I think they're brothers and they play cousins on the show or their cousins in real life and play brothers on the show I think

they're brothers and their cousins on the show their brothers they're happy yeah they're singing and they're colored give me a high five what's that sounds racist that's the Wayans Brothers tv show theme oh really yeah Sean and Marlon they're brothers and they're colored I don't like that I didn't write the tune hey I don't approve somebody got paid for that jingle oh you're a jingle so anyways you know here's a little bit about the the line the bank line you know with the ropes and then there's nobody in it you have to keep like going back and forth it's classic it was one of those but like it's a tsa line so it's like nine miles long but there's nobody in it so like you gotta weave in and out about 50 times yeah and I'm gonna really classless it up here the lady because I'm

not a politician what's that thing with political correctness political correctness should be in politics uh-huh political correctness yes like comedians and civilians don't have to be yeah but I would prefer a president not to be like they're fucking animals like just like oh they're dangerous yeah or whatever you know I mean it is weird to be like this fucking shithole over here like that's where we you want political correctness yeah in politics yes you should try to be sound like you're a compassionate person well like back in the day you get some nicks and tapes and he was like get those Negroes out of here and you're like whoa I can't believe he's saying this but I feel like now that's just how Trump talks yeah he was doing it on a private phone call it wasn't like a

press conference he's like these fucking Jews right by the fuckers we gotta get rid of them yeah we gotta get rid of these Asians yeah which that we've talked about that HBO nixon tapes whatever it's called nixon on nixon whatever the hell it's called he says like kike jew black negro all kinds of crazy stuff it's all in there it's like a diff jam set all right but anyways let me let me get through this here so I'm going through the line and right before I get there it's a huge empty line but the weave in and out yeah there's a lady and her partner and the lady's got you know wacky legs wacky legs she's got a couple of wooden's or they're not hooked up right whatever it is where the knees are kind of touching and then the feet are way out here and dinged in so she's doing like it's

like she's doing the tootsie roll it's like if you ziplocked someone's knees together that's what she had I don't know if it's polio or uh hpv or something something's up with her yeah she's got the uh restless leg yeah she had wacky leg and then her man is like guiding her through but I want to just be like you gotta let me go yes because immediately you see it start and you're like this is how you're gonna be walking all the way up there oh yeah we got this is gonna take hours the dsa guy you know he's up 100 yards away he's this big yeah and I'm just like you gotta be kidding me like so I couldn't pass I didn't feel like I felt awkward so the line behind me is just like piling up and I'm like just let me go around I know you want to feel normal and normal which is

great but like just go ask you pass yes be aware of your your mutinism yeah it's like I feel bad and I hope you get some you know arthritis cream thing you take what's the cure for polio syphil no penicillin penicillin I hope you get some penicillin your ass all or whatever but so it took me about nine minutes to get up there you're just like Jesus Christ with these legs oh yeah she should play uh for the cowboys nobody get by her how would that work because you know she's she's blocking the scrimmage I don't know you could push her right over I guess that's true but you feel bad because she's got the wackies you don't feel bad on a football field a T.S. landline is different than a football field

politically correct times you're not gonna push her over a cripple uh I don't yeah maybe they should try it throw a fucking throw it that'd be all these blogs Emmett Smith knocked over a cripple he's still playing right that's not a bad idea I'm sad we got something you get a full back with the peg leg and a pair of thick glasses yes making a lesbian black woman in a wheelchair no one's gonna fuck with that you don't get fired that's a great point ah I have a point all right somebody write that down all right I'm recording this fortunately good boy hopefully the battery one sliver left still battery all right you you talk for a while because I want to kill myself I feel bad about the legs and the political correctness the legs the wackies episode wacky legs you got

that showboat by the way Shelby was a big hit apparently but I loved his intro oh no kidding he did like a gay intro where he talked for a minute about something something people were like more Shelby wow good for him yeah that's all you get Shelby all right uh let me just breeze through I went to hometown sweet new Orleans JFK towards a place the movie oh that's right yes Clay shock lay bircher David fairy oh yeah we've got our our tails of the the politics are so we got Huey P long the king fish oh wow that's a whole another bag of hammers but yeah so I went down into Orleans got picked up by oh I was also bumped up to first class and the flight was delayed so I could just sit there in first class which is a dream hmm I mean it sucks being

delayed but you're like if I want to be delayed yes this is the place to do it you got it they did the thing where they go uh we're serving a lunch we're serving a bowl I mean a breakfast we're serving a bowl of regular Cheerios or a hot turkey sandwich so who goes with the Cheerios yeah well I guess some people a hot turkey it's too early in the morning maybe yeah it was on a croissant so that might help oh I see breakfast uh breakfast at ties I got you but yeah I mean I was like who's getting the cereal then the guy next to me got the cereal and I was like this guy's off yeah I don't know so he got the cereal sometimes a mood strikes you I guess so but not even honey nut every once in a while you hear something people go ah well I was eating a bowl of fruit loops and

it just the wires get crossed you go I need fruit loops now yeah I hear that maybe that's how men go gay uh now because it usually doesn't linger once you get the bowl you just suck one dick in that yeah that's a good point all right so uh fruit loop so um get down to New Orleans hang out with the folks uh I do a show I got a show in Lafayette Louisiana which is about three hours out now I land in Louisiana my dad picks me up we hug we go home we we we uh yuck it up a little bit two bowls elbowing each other headlocks the whole thing two boys back together again not really we don't even talk and I get home he goes ah do whatever you want this food in the fridge I go all right take it easy I got work to do I go oh well haven't seen you in three months good to see nothing's changed

yeah and so I jump in the shower and I borrow my dad's car I get a ride out to Vincent Zanbon he's my opener oh so he says he'll drive to Lafayette so I drive to his house in mid-city bullet holes in his windshield I go what happened here and he goes uh oh yeah there was a drive like a running shootout like people just running by my house shooting each other that's New Orleans man is so fucking dangerous in that city New New York has nothing on New Orleans it's lawless down there so he's got bullet holes in his window whatever god damn yeah flies must get in there occasionally flies people you name it so uh bullet holes the whole thing and he's used to he's like I've been here living here my whole life so what what are you gonna do and instead of

having like four in the morning so he just kept sleeping crazy and he lives like a normal neighborhood it'd be like if somebody ran through here just and he's like I heard it too and I just went back to bed I was like wow god so we drive to Lafayette three hour drive and man I totally forget I am from a Cajun swampy land yes we drive from New Orleans to Lafayette so you pass all these little Cajun towns and it's just to your right and to your left just swamp there's gators in there there's cranes and uh raccoons jumping around it's wild there's moss hanging from the tree it's beautiful the sun is setting and I'm like man I can't believe I'm from here 10 minutes outside of New Orleans and you're in the country yeah you know guys with banjos and no teeth camo hats the whole thing

we bullet we uh what do you call barrel down to Lafayette we get there it's in the double tree hotel already I see people like milling about so I'm like he's gonna be a good show love a mill small college town and uh laugh is in there yes that's fun don't worry I open with that and uh we get in there it's like a conference room but it's big enough but it must have been like 200 something people in there we sold it out killer show one of the best shows I've ever had just knocking it out Vincent killed up top he did 20 up top lit it up this guy Jason Leonard runs the whole thing he said Segura there Nate Bargazzi uh Brian Poseyne he like knows comedy wow another JL a lot of JLs in comedy Jason Leonard yes is that right yeah yeah so uh yeah great guy knows

comedy just running this beautiful amazing show in this perfect room out of a hotel in the middle of nowhere so cool that's what's great about comedy you just get in the car go there bust it out shake some hands take some photos and get out love it and a lot of Tuesdays there got some Chipotle cards got some hugs took a lot of pictures nice people you know those people like thanks for coming we needed this we love you we get nothing down here blah blah blah I love that love a grateful audience yes and their country southern fucks so they don't get there was no offended there was no oh boy whoop that's a trigger dick and all that shit yeah they're much better audience they're better trigger gore so uh had a hot set I'm just like man the hour is tight it's humming let's this is great

so we we steal a bunch of a double tree cookies I get my paycheck he's like I gave me a little extra money this was a killer show great money I'm like man you can really make a living on this that's what I was thinking like this is you can just travel and drive around and set up gigs yeah so uh we get the money we get the key I mean we get the the cookies we head back great night I fall asleep on the ride back I've had a few uh bud lights you know I'm it's a three hour drive it's dark I go wait we should have a quiff a quiff so I get the the phone out being Vinnie or doing a quiff it's a hot quiff I'm drunk he's drunk driving we're in the middle of the swamp this the moon is out it's a great quiff I might have said too much so if you want to hear some racy jizz

get on that all right yeah get on the patreon folks sign up now yeah some fresh hot stuff coming later this week too oh yeah yeah a lot of good quality queefs so uh we get home go to bed wake up talk to the parents hang out go to lunch with my mom the whole thing she makes a big gumbo the whole thing I forget how Louisiana I am it's all normal I'm not just back eating gumbo with seafood and then tonight is the night of the big one-eyed jack show one-eyed jack I've heard all about this one-eyed jack one-eyed jacks is basically like our our Gramercy theater it's like a big room famous all the big bands all the big comic David Tell did a set there during road work oh wow that's the New Orleans show and I did this room last year we sold it I was a big deal it was like the first

I hope for Tom Rhodes there in like oh six Jesus was the first paid gig I ever did so it's like the the room's got a lot of history for me so we go back I just had a bad feeling you ever get that yeah all the time I was I'm all bad feeling yeah it was a long over from the night before so my anxiety is through the roof nothing worse than performing for people you know oh god nothing worse I mean I said before I'll say it again I did the half hours in Boston I'm like I'll never shoot or record anything in my hometown again yes because you're getting text from your aunt being like can we get a better seat and you're like yeah like these people hate me the whole yeah exactly right so I'm just I'm getting all these texts like you said it's just nothing's

gelling everything's bad and I had a pretty good day I snuck into the gym I got a free smoothie in New Orleans so I had a good day and then just the whole show you know when you're like oh man it's three o'clock the show is at nine so that's six hours that's not enough time I need more time six hours and I still am not feeling good about it oh boy that's where I was at so the show I get a text from like my friend who puts it on and he's like hey the show is done at nine the show is at 10 stop writing nine everywhere I was like oh show's at 10 that's a little late huh he's like well it's a Saints game and I'm like there's a Saints game ah the whole city shuts down in New Orleans we're going to Saints game everybody it's a home game everybody's at the Superdome it's a big deal

I know but these pre I have this happen in Dallas too this preseason shit get out of here with the preseason people like you see the Patriots game you see that I'm like no it's preseason who gives a fuck exactly what's wrong with you I know it's embarrassing enough that our lives are consumed by a regular season but this preseason should get out of here with preseason sing it sister it doesn't count precares so I love precom do you I don't like it yeah well I like whatever you like all right well keep away from my lady so uh so now I'm like oh the show is at 10 so my my buddy texts me he goes hey there's a show at 8 30 you should come swing by and I go all right so I'll get a little precom before the big show yeah so I go to that show bomb not a good set I'm in my head

I'm freaking out that's why you hate precom exactly it's very sticky and I'm pregnant so I like to taste it I'm bomb on the precom show so I now I mosey on over and I'm just ah I bombed on that show the anxieties through the roof not feeling good I get there I'm getting a million texts we can't get in where where are we gonna sit they got us in weird seats can you tell the door guy to let us in we don't want to pay come on I'm your friend hook me up all my high school friends college friends these guys are animals man these are just drunk blue collar scary meat head white guys yeah and uh so I was like god damn it all right so I I got two openers doing 10 minutes each trying to throw the new guys a bone one guy first guy goes out does okay good set they're not really they don't really

care though and then the second guy goes out does well again they don't really give a shit he keeps doing like don't worry mark's coming out soon don't worry don't worry and they're kind of like all right all right and then I go out and I got him I got him it felt like I had to wrangle a bull I'm like hold the ball like I got this thing I got it and then it just slowly started unraveling as more time went on more drinks you start to excuse a few like hey Richie where you where you at you know and then like then you're all right I'll just forget that ever happened then I hey give me another yaga you know then I'm like I forget and now now there's 800 of those going on at once and I just I just I nose dive I'm like I'm fucking 40 minutes into this hour said I just want to

get off clean let me do my closer and dismount but I can't do it well at one point I'm in the middle of a bit and a lady walks up to the stage and just slides a whiskey across the stage and like hit me in the foot Jesus yeah I mean this is a this is a fucking wild west so I'm like god damn well that but thank you for the drink but I'm trying you know when you want to just snap on an audience go you fucking asshole shut the fuck up you're all animals will you blow me a piece of shit what are you doing course yeah but I could you know you you know we all know not to do that you gotta just keep cool par for the course stay the course and I couldn't do it I broke and I had the people on the front on seats loving the show and then everything behind the first five

rows was just mayhem just jumping around doing shots headlocks high five and filming me showing each other shit on their phones it was over because that's all standing yeah it's hard to keep the attention it was brutal and it's 10 o'clock they all went to the Saints game they got a tan they got a hangover they're all ruined so I'm just I just go this is the fucking worst show fuck all of you guys this I can't believe I came back for this shit I it got personal because my hometown these are my people yeah boy and so I let them have it it was like you know when you your dad yells at your friend it's one thing but when he yells at you he's gonna give it to you yes and these are my kids it felt like so I was like fuck this is a horrible show you guys are the worst

on it you don't get it you don't do comedy and you know why it hurt the most is because it felt like they were trying to oh Mark's gonna go do his little puppet yeah bullshit he's gonna oh let's go let's go support him on his dumb uh little uh acting thing his little talent show like no this is the fucking art form and bust my ass for over a decade before I've done television you cocksuckers come on that's why it hurt that it's very hurtful it's all very uh personal it's personal and it's your town these are you supposed to be your people sit down shut up I worked on this this is my bread and butter this is all I got so boy it was a I was crestfallen to use that word I never used I never heard of that one it's uh I don't know what it means but it sounds right well it means

like the crest has fallen I guess yeah that's the Crescent City is it that's what we call in the world it's shaped like a crescent moon on a map but yeah so I went in the green room and of course the book comes back my friend Ronnie's like that was great we sold it out what a show and a couple of friends come back and so you gotta like you you want to kill yourself and you're sweaty and you hate yourself and you got to go oh hey hey all right they go that was fucking awesome the way you yelled at us was fucking killer we love you they're like come outside take some pics do some shots and you're like that's the last thing I want to do and I'm like is there a back door I'm talking to Ronnie how the hell did I go out of here but it was it was fine and I just sat in the

green room for like an hour until everybody left and I got a million tech where are you we're here come meet us we're here we're here we're here and I just waited and I met up with Ron at his apartment and we did some drugs smoked some weed and drank a little more than I went home I got home like five in the morning and uh that was a real kick in the dick it's tough because that's actually when that's the whole trip the whole plan is that yes and it stinks exactly it's a bad trip and Lafayette was so great well at least you had that I guess that helps that helps yeah but man yeah that feeling of uh you just want to get out of it that's the hardest thing in comedy is not eating it it's having to talk to and whoever after yes you just want to leave like Dylan out the back door and

into the van right right you come back and then the people like I was and there's nothing worse I had this experience too when people are treating it like it wasn't bad when you're like oh no you're crazy you're like no you're a fucking crazy I've been doing comedy for so long I know what horrible is yeah that was it that was it because I had a similar experience that it wasn't home so it was less stakes uh or lower stakes whatever it was Dallas late show Friday if any Tuesdays we're at the late show Friday I apologize I want to give you your money back I'm not gonna but it was one of the worst shows I've ever had in my life after one of the best shows no but early show Saturday I had the worst Friday night late was one of the worst shows I've ever done in my life early show Saturday

one of the best shows I've ever had so there was some Tuesdays there early show Saturday God bless you oh thank you for coming I got a couple gift cards appreciate it praise Allah but that late show Friday it was one of those ones where you look and you're making eye contact and you're like these people are not interested right they're done and I think clubs should do away with late show Friday interesting late show Saturdays tough too like Providence comedy actually does one show one nine p.m. on Friday because that's true it's just people have just first of all I think most people go to bed at like 10 p.m. or they want to party go party yes exactly that well those are the two things people in real life a lot of people go to bed before 10 they work jobs they're hard

jobs manual labor whatever and so like on a Saturday a stay out late but a Friday a lot of people like they woke up at fucking 7 in the morning 6 in the morning and now at like 10 o'clock the show starts at 10 30 and you're up there late it's fucking midnight yeah they've paid their check they're just drunk and exiled it's not even their fault they're just like what is this what are you talking about and you can just feel the apathy yeah and the this guy is not that good yes you could feel that feeling of like nobody thinks I'm good here that sucks they were done or if you do a late show Friday the show should just be an hour total right do like seven minutes 10 minutes 40 minutes whatever like let's get out of here yeah man that was a rough one it just it sucks and you

just want to like bomb straight up you have to continue to be courteous yeah have a good night the way staff take care I know and the crazy thing is it's so hard for us we will be we'll be in the hotel room at two in the morning going man I just fucking died I'm covered in sweat I hate myself what does this the right career choice and people are killing to get where we are right yeah and we're sitting there going God this is so hard and that's why like I was watching Bill Mar the day and he's like hey man I paid my dues I did the clubs and I'm like I'm in the club yeah I'm doing the thing and happy to be doing the thing that you're calling paying dues it's it's brutal and you just people are drawing they're ordering and you're just like you're in the middle of a bit that you worked hard

on you wrote and you recorded and you'll re-listen to it and change the word another thing and as you're doing it you just hear fucking yeah oh another uh Yeagerbomb and another Bud Light and a thing and then you're just like fuck and that's not even the worst they're ordering a drink they need a drink sometimes you just hear people be like after that where do you want to go we'll go to Steve's and you're like you're just making plans and this person's looking at their phone like people in the front row looking at their phone we were like are you kidding me I'm right here I have feelings also how about this one where you you see people having a full on conversation up in the front and you go hey what are you guys doing like I'm right here I can hear you and they

go oh you're just not that funny yeah and you go but you're not even listening you have to listen to the setup to get the punchline you can't just what am I supposed to do do a prat fall every 10 seconds to keep you interested should I be juggling should I be doing you know animal tricks what is it they've decided that sounds like a good cereal animal tricks they've decided that they're not enjoying it that you're not good it's a waste of time they don't want it but I'll tell you I wanted to kill my we were texting you me and Sam we're all texting them that night it's so brutal those late shows sometimes it just feels like you have no chance then the next day yes Saturday went and played tennis with my pal Brian Vitt I think it's wit but I like this I like to pronounce

W's with V's it's fun to me German yeah it's fun anyways great guy he wants to give you a tennis lesson too when you're down there if you're interested sounds like a euphemism but he puts the racket right in your ass all right great guy we have great great tennis game was like 150 degrees but we had fun had some good talks good guy anyways then late early show Saturday one of the best sets I've ever had in my life just listened to on the way down here we ever listened to a set and you're like I'm the best comedian this is crazy I'm killing and then you listen to the next night set or the late show and you're like I gotta kill myself the somewhere I had the highest of high and lowest of low back to back shows it was crazy I was like I gotta quit comedy literally I was

like I should just pursue another thing this is stupid and then the very next show you're like wow I think I I think I'm ready to shoot a special I mean this is crazy yeah yeah and you want to just send that to your manager and be like send this to Netflix they'll give me whatever I want I guarantee it yeah it's a it's a ups and downs over and out suck my dick up my ass and around the corner but yeah so I just down a bunch of whiskey after that show I just gotta come off that ledge and I get home I get my parents car home at you know 5am of course they hear everything I'm trying to like it's funny because I'm a kid again I'm walking up the stairs all slow I have to pass by their bedroom every crack I'm terrified because my parents when they get up they ask a million

questions and they're gonna give me a guilt trip they're brutal so I get into my bedroom I just pass out I wake up I'm so hung out like biblically hung over the next day all that whiskey no water before bed no Tylenol just conked out so hung over and I can't leave the bedroom because they will just ambush me they'll be like barded yeah where were you what time to get the car home how was the show what are you drunk are you hung over what's going on they they got to the worst so I can't leave I'm like a kid again so I I go I got a piece so bad I got that hung over piss I see the smoothie cup oh piss on the smoothie cup oh nice good for you so now the shame is through the roof the anxiety is on full tilt I'm hung over I had a big bomb I met my parents I'm in my childhood bed peeing

in a plastic cup just like what am I doing with my life god damn what I hate this so I suck it up I just beeline to the bathroom my shit out a real big PBR can take a hot shower brush my teeth try to get through the hangover I walk out of the shower I got a towel on my legs my dad goes hey what are you hung over I go ah fuck yeah and he just nailed me to the wall and it was his birthday so I gave him a card we hung out now I'm playing with my niece my brother shows up I'm playing with my niece hung over which is a bad feeling yeah she's five cute kid but I realized throughout this whole thing me and my dad my dad found a bunch of Dean Martin variety show DVDs oh that's fun I got him on the shelf up there he found that at a garage sale so he bought him he's like you like comedy

that's very thoughtful it's very thoughtful and he's like we should watch one and I'm like yeah whatever you know you know you get that thing you're like I'll hang I'll put on my wall but I'll never watch one right I didn't have a DVD player we put one on it was killer oh yeah Jonathan Winters Woody Allen Bill Cosby other rapists they were all on there and like Lucille Ball Rowan and Martin are very funny oh yeah laughing laughing yeah that was a big show I mean Bill Cosby looks like a teenager Woody Allen did a stand-up set it was killing and I was like these are killer show it was so cool to see like comedy it does get dated but funny's funny funny's funny Woody Allen loves teenagers by the way that's true oh the Asian persuasion funny's funny I love I love that shit

it's funny it feels like 60s 50s and 60s comedy and even 30s comedy holds up better than 80s comedy oh sure for sure like you watch the Marx Brothers you're like this is brilliant I'm off my ass laughing and I watch like evening the improv I'm like this is dog shit dog shit it's weird that 50 years earlier I guess also Marx Brothers is better than fucking Carol D for or whatever yeah Elaine Boosler still so we gotta pick a guy here I mean uh what's that guy George Allen no all right so I got so we we leave big finale finale I leave there my parents driving to the airport it was a whirlwind of a trip a lot of ups a lot of downs the whole thing get on the airplane first class again love it guess who's in first class two seats behind let me guess I want to

take it now now do some math here I'm doing math don't don't condescend to me I know what's going on here New Orleans Jim Garrison's dead Clay Shaw's dead Harry Anderson's dead let me think all right gotta be uh I'm gonna say uh I'm gonna say uh I don't know how you would ever get it oh it's pretty uh out of left anal here all right Reggie Bush no all right that's my only guess I don't want to run out of time Daryl Hammond oh he's a big drunk I guess he's a big booze bag he wanted to have a weekend no he's sober is he yeah he's been sober for years good for him dare put that out there that he's drinking oh all right I didn't see him drinking I just assumed he was a big piece of garbage well you gave me Daryl Hammond I thought you were gonna you're like think New Orleans

he's like quit essentially New York well I just assumed he was a big booze hound who wanted to have a big but even that I mean it could be a booze you could go to Vegas you could go to they have booze in Chicago I thought you're giving me like some southern bag Daryl Hammond's like uh you know he's New York all right I think he does the warm up or something for us and he does the voice he does the voice he's the new uh you know voice guy what's that guy's name I can't remember Don Pardo Pardo that was a good polo pulled that pardo my interruption so fly back get back to the big apple now it's a sunday night do an hour set at the fat black always a good time then I get a call from an old chum and he said hey crazy question the VMAs is tomorrow

they want you to they want to a guy just to do like 10 minutes to get the crowd juiced up before they start the show wow would you want to do it and I go fuck yeah but I had a seller spot so I texted esti and I go I'm sorry I'm hosting the VMA I said I'm hosting the VMAs and she was like oh that's exciting and I was like yeah sorry for the last minute cancellation video music awards for the layman's radio city music calls 9 p.m show you know Kevin Hart and Aerosmith and the other guy pink is there one direction whoever else Cabela Melissa I don't know any of these people anymore Shawn Mendes yeah all these people are at the jersey shore is there Rihanna whatever you want to Arianna Latte so they'll I was like all right they're like a car's gonna pick up at 645 wear a suit

and I go oh my god like we're gonna get you credentials yeah there's like a big thing I'm like oh my god I was like can I bring a lady like bring the lady so she's like you're wearing a suit she wears a ball gown oh wow so we get on we get in the car uber driver from Russia named James Bond I have a photo I took a photo of his license come on yeah James Bond he's the worst driver of all time took us an hour to get to Radio City from my house it's 30 blocks away then we get in it's mayhem down there we're out that we're in the bowels of the radio city there's like a talent holding area it was like the kids in the cages in Mexico and there's like shitty food open bar like just stay here we'll come get you so now I start thinking like what am I doing exactly no one

has prepped me there's been no briefing no nothing I don't know what clean dirty do I do jokes do I just hype them up what do I do here so people keep coming up to me like okay I gotta fill out some paperwork I do that I'm like do you know what I'm doing you're like we have no I don't even know who you are I'm just they were just told me to hand you this I'm like oh god all these PA people are coming up to me so now an hour goes by and they're like okay the show is gonna start in 10 minutes and I go I'm so scared by this point because I'm starting to freak out it's all these young kids I'm the oldest guy there by a mile oh my gal is way younger than me and she feels old so we're in there there's all these people like oh my god that's what's their face and all these girls dolled

up cleavage makeup no idea who they are these are probably huge famous youtube stars or something so eventually I start going you know it'd be amazing there's a million people down in this it's like a big room a million hot people it'd be great they just forgot about me and they have to pay me oh that would be nice that would be ideal because I start getting real nervous now I'm like panicking this is like a late night whether like comedy's coming up they have no idea who I am or what I'm doing there's 3,000 people in Radio City just like squawking so I'm like I think there's more by the way is it more than 3,000 I think it's 55 55,000 100 oh that makes sense all right 5,500 yeah all right maybe yeah crank it up for the story there's three balconies full of just

good-looking teenagers 5,000 people plus crew there's a tv crew camera everything there's 6,000 people big light show behind me it says VMA I mean they're really going for it here and so I'm like maybe they'll forget the show starts at 9 it's like 855 I think I'm good and she's like yeah maybe because we've been down there two hours now just eating shitty dumplings and I'm like all right I'm gonna have a drink so I get a tequila I'm drinking the tea she's got a wine and I'm like I think we pulled this off and I was like we should just go up there and just watch the show just for a little bit watch some arrows of course Ariana Grande and get the hell out of here she's like all right fucking so I go up to the bar I go get a drink and some guy goes

Mark! Mark Dorman! I was like huh it's this fat guy bald guy with a headset on he goes Mark Dorman I go what he goes you're on I go oh my god so he grabs me by the the lapels and he just throws me in there now I'm in this hallway with like 50 people it's like Ellis Island we're all like trying to scoot by and then we get backstage there's camera crew everywhere there's guys in black shirts you know go-go it's like the Marines and one guy old guy hands me a microphone a cordless mic and he goes all right you're gonna go out there do 10 minutes and I pull out a sheet and he goes oh good you got all the bands and the artists and I go these are my jokes and he goes jokes what are you talking about like what are you talking about he's like they didn't brief you

I was like they told me I've been sitting down there for two hours they didn't tell me a goddamn thing so he goes oh wow this is gonna be weird I go what do you mean it's gonna be weird now I'm panicking I'm like look man just tell me what I'm doing what's gonna happen he's like all I know is you're gonna go out there for 10 minutes and after 10 minutes I'm gonna come get you I'm like come get me Jesus can't you light me he's like he's like I'm gonna come out on stage and pull you off and I go is that gonna ruin the show he's like show we're both on two different planets here I'm like what are you talking about he's like what are you talking about I'm like I have no fucking idea just tell me what you want he's like I don't know what you're supposed to do but you might want to get

this crowd going because that's what you're being paid for I was like all right and at this point it was like a fight or flight moment I'm like all right I just accepted it like this is gonna be brutal I don't know what's gonna happen he doesn't know what's gonna happen the audience definitely don't know so who's hosting the show no host there's no host there's no host now what it's just a presenter just comes out there and then they leave then a band plays and another presenter then a band play oh my god it's mayhem and the whole thing is people running around rampages girls in like tight dresses and high heels like well we don't know where to go and there's some guy like get out of the way it was insane it was a zoo so they sent me out people

are seating I'm looking up it's three giant balconies a huge ceiling crazy cameras on gibbs and cranes swooping all over me light flashing disco ball and I'm like hey everybody uh how you guys feeling like three people go they're all seated they're all drinking they're all talking to each other doing selfies and I'm like hey who's from New York like three people no one cares so I go all right this is weird I'm just pointing at a guy look at that guy looks like a weirdo they're all dressed from the future they're all these hip kids like this guy's got a mohawk and he's got dreadlocks and he's 88 years old he's wearing a trash bag and a lot of them are in the biz aren't the artists in the audience too a lot of artists so it's all very

surreal I'm just like I'm just bombing and I'm like outside of my body going this is insane I'm holding the Coralus mic I'm in a suit at Radio City in front of a million children bombing and then J. Lowe walks right next to me J. Lowe Lopez Lopez J Lopez with Aaron A-ron what that's her husband A-ron's there he walks right by me they walk like literally like two feet away from me they just walk right by me because I'm on some kind of weird lip and they have to go down into the pit the orchestra pit and I'm standing above the pit yeah she does she's 50 something she looks great is that right yeah she looks amazing he looked great too he was like shiny and golden brown it was beautiful wow so I'm like oh my god look at that there's J. Lowe

and I just point to her she's like what she gives me this face like don't gesture to me oh my god you're not even supposed to look her in the eye and I'm just like hey there's J. Lowe on a giant microphone and then like some other guy walks by I'm like I'm butt coke from that guy and the crowd's going like ooh this is not fun I'm like hey look he looks like a pedophile and they're like huh it was so bad I'm bombing horribly and at one point I see one guy in the crowd laughing everyone else is not it's Scott Rogowski oh Scotty I love Rogowski HQ he's the host he's the you know the quiz guy this is so funny because a couple weeks ago I fucking ate my shit at Aussie Fest uh-huh and walked off stage and Rosgowski was like hey man that was tough what's

going on he's like the bomb angel he is he's the guardian bomber he's really fun so he's in a like a funny blue suit like a dumb and dumber I had the same thing oh look at that he had like like the question mark guy he had a weird wacky suit Matthew Lesko or whatever oh god bless him he comes over and gets a selfie with me as I'm bombing it he writes hell gig on Instagram it was fucking hilarious that's great so I'm bombing and I see how are you out of grande I'm like hey look at that she's tiny not much of a grande and I'm basically being booed at this point I'm just going I don't know why they hired me this is crazy why am I here nobody well you guys don't want me here I can see people shaking their head and like one there's a like a PA like grip lady walks up next to me with a

clipboard because she's just working and I go hey what's your story she goes ah she's like no no you're not bringing me down the whole place was like what is this guy doing here Leonard Oots is in the bag he's filming the whole thing Oots is there because he's 21 or whatever you know Leonard Oots a friend of ours fellow comic funny guy yeah he's on the Patreon live episode calls me ugly real a bunch that's right funny guy and he's filming he's going look at this you know and word bombing you know he's going nuts he's having a blast and eventually the old guy walks up and he goes he's waving me and like get the fuck off get the fuck off they hate you they hate you he goes what was that I go what do you mean what was that he's like you fucking died out there I was

like I don't know what I'm doing so that was it it was all very surreal and I went back and I went back into the holding area and they wouldn't let the girl go with me and she was like what happened you were going like 10 seconds like 10 seconds I felt like three days wow it was insane because you'd realize these are all the hippest coolest best-looking people and these are the people that made fun of me in high school right they're not gonna get me but they're the people we make fun of now they're fucking idiots their whole thing I'm like you guys are all dorks and losers you got to dress up like spacemen to get some attention you have no talent your nerds you came from Long Island fuck you now they're comic at one point I had a bomb a joke bomb ago I did

on tonight show two weeks ago blow me I'm like losing it up there and you just realized like if somebody could see this they would realize how funny it is from an outside view right but in the moment they're like this guy sucks who is this who hired this guy and you want to it's such a funny situation because you're like this whole thing is funny and you can't see that right that guy for like Rogowski and Leonard utes because they're like this is crazy yeah because they get it they get it but so funny to think of MTV like MTV is where like Dennis Leary broke and like Adam Sandler Colin Quinn yeah it's so funny to think that they used to be this kind of comedy network now it's just too hip for their own hip they don't get it they're so in a bubble they're so outside of the real

world like Kevin Hart came out at one point and he was doing jokes like now he's funny and you're like yeah he's funny but I'm funny too but they couldn't see it there the whole thing was crazy but I did it for the story yeah of course and the money must have been decent money was decent but it's one of those things where I was in the back going if they don't call me up I'll be completely fine yeah I think that all the time there's a big storm in Dallas I'm like I would like the club to get hit by lightning and burn down it'd be great but I will say I'm glad I did it now because I get to say I did I got to stand on that stage and look up there I mean after that gig this is a bold statement but after that gig I feel like I can do a lot of gigs yeah yeah because it was so horrific

yeah just the beautiful people is glaring at you is glaring a word I think so glaring it glaring for glaring yes beautiful people glaring at me in disgust for a certain period of time as you try to do your favorite thing that you're somewhat good at yeah is jarring it's strange but don't you feel like you get to a point where like with these bombs where you're like you know your skill this is just a situation it becomes funny you're like obviously I'm a good comedian this is just a ridiculous situation so I'll just enjoy it yeah I know that in my logic brain but the self-esteem side of me is like ah you should have been able to got somebody a regular warm-up guy would have gotten them so you know it always fucks with you but then me and the lady watch some show we made

fun of everybody we stood in the back and made fun of everybody which is like all right I'm a comedian again yeah this is what you're supposed to be doing you know girls are walking by and heels and they're like they're like fucking barely standing up because they're too young to know how to use them right and it's uh they're all glittery and weird and we got the hell out of there and went and got drinks at a bar and talked about it was it was a great night that's great yeah so that's another thing I wanted to say in New Orleans I went and had lunch with my brother and we got takeout and I'm just sitting there with him and his wife and his his wife is pregnant her baby is due tomorrow wow yeah so I got to see that thing like there was a leg hanging out of her

couch it was so close but I was like man this is the most boring life and I love the guys my brother and she's my step sister-in-law whatever you call it this is my niece and you got a kid on the way which is very exciting but I would not trade this for anything in the world good life fun life it's a fun thing to do it's a fun endeavor yes it's a variety it's adventure it's weird it's unpredictable it's the best very exciting I love it there's comics right now who are going I got a fucking mic tonight I'm gonna bomb I got some weird one nighter in Poughkeepsie it's all great live it up enjoy it and kiss your uncle and and if you'd like to see some live comedy you can see us coming up soon the improv in Hollywood yes October 30th October 30th don't miss that uh

come on out get your ticket the ticket link is up now we've tweeted it it's up there go to Hollywood improv dot com whatever the fuck it is some are sold I hope so I hope a bunch of sold we got some big big guests it's gonna be hot uh what else is coming I got Cleveland coming up Hilarity's Cleveland in September Huntsville I don't even know the name of the comedy club there Huntsville Alabama go to my website comedian Joe list dot com uh check out the patreon the patreon is really hot and heavy right now white hot bubbling and um trying to say that more it's humming go watch uh netflix season two of the standups hit up my facebook fan page comedian Joe list twitter instagram all that horseshit thanks for kind everyone that came out in

Dallas you guys were uh so kind everyone that came out in albany thank you appreciate it's so much easier and better and nicer and comforting and pleasing to do shows with his fans in the audience oh god we need you you know they say you get 10 percent of people who like you in there it influences the entire room yes for sure so yeah I'll be at uh hyenas and uh tejas like we just talked about I'll be at the Omaha funny bone uh Cincinnati funny bone going all off memory here seattle laughs zany chicago pittsburgh improv got them comedy club in new york city stress factory in new jersey uncle vinny's in new jersey back to back terrible routing there uh check the website mark domen comedy dot com hit us on twitter hit us on instagram we all we we we

chronicle our lives with the photos so be sure to check that out hit the patry yellow chipotle we both ate there today they owe us blow us and show us we love you all go gay tell a friend and uh eat your own lunch yep