Tuesdays with Stories! - #261 Ruined Hang

Episode Date: September 4, 2018

Hey post-Labor Day Tuesgays, it's a great ep as Mark & Joe meet a woman who loves Mark's personality, Joe gets mistaken for a college student by a crazy guy, and Mark upsets yet another morning radio host. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon where we're crankin' out bonus episodes every week! You can listen on any podcast app! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey! Badda badda badda badda. Badda. He can't hit. He can't hit. He can't hit. He can't hit. He can't hit. I just learned that from you. I know that Patreon is live.

You can hear Mark learn about you. He can't hit. That's right. Our Patreon right now, folks. Cooking. It's bubbling over. It is blowing. I mean, we got too many queues. I'm tweeting too much about the queues.

We got one. So many queues. You and Dr. J. Yeah. You got that right. And Doug Key. I got one with Tom, Dustin, and Dan Bulger. We got two fresh ones last week of just the two of us.

One with walks around the village. That was a hit. That was big. That was big. Was that the cookies incident? Cookies incident. Milk and cookies. Oh, yeah.

We went to milk and cookies. We should talk about that. Yeah. Well, let's do it right now. We're talking about it. All right. So we do a queue for a walk around the village at, what, I don't know, 10 at night?

Maybe 11? Yeah. And it's a nice, beautiful night. Yeah. So we got up. You heard the queue. Hopefully. Yes.

Sign up if you haven't. So then we walked by this cookie store. It's like a little hole in the wall. The middle of the village is really cute and gay. And we go in and we go, hey, you got any cookies left? Because we thought they were closed. But the light was on. There were people in there.

So we're like, hey, we're in luck. So we go in and there's a gentleman at the counter. I want to say a homosexual. Is he a homosexual? Oh, yeah. He had to be. Okay. He was flailing those macaroons around.

So he was like, oh my God, I know you. I know you. He was like going nuts. He's seen us at the cellar or something. Yeah. He's like, you guys are coming. You guys are funny. We're shucking and jiving.

We're cracking this guy up. And the other employees are sitting in the seats. No, they weren't employees. Oh, they weren't. No. Don't you remember? He has a hip hop career and they're shooting a video. The gay fellow.

Yes. Aha. Don't you know this? Teach me. He was an African-American gay fellow with a, I don't know about the gay. I can't confirm. I can confirm African-American. I cannot confirm.

I bet my, my anal on it. If I'm wrong, he could pound me in the rear. You know what was that? Well, that'll, that'll make you right. Aha. Two rights make a wrong. And a bloody asshole. But yeah.

So he was making a rap video. And then he was talking, that was his like DP and his director that he was talking to. DP indeed. Double penetrate. Oh, that was his direct. That's right. Okay. You remember.

I tuned out after a while because he was so loud. Yeah. I wanted a chocolate chip cookie, but they were out and then people try to replace it. There's no replacing the chocolate chip. He mentioned a toffee and you repelled or recoiled. Yes. I did. Was it toffee?

Oh, it was toffee. It was some weird word I never heard. And he's like, no, no, it's this. I'm like, you can't. Chocolate chip is chocolate chip. Yeah. It's like if someone was like, I want, I'm going to get a blow job. And then they're like, I'll tell you what, I'll pierce your ears.

You're like, come on. Get out. That's not the same thing. I don't know about that analogy, but I'll go with it. Toffee's an ear piercing. Oh, well, against the blow job. That's, I think you're going, you're maybe going chocolate chip to oatmeal raisin. No, no, you're going chocolate chip to like a Brussels sprout.

Air piercing could be a Brussels sprout. But either way, I hear you though. It's not, it's a chocolate chip is the pinnacle, the zenith, the paramount. The apex. The apex of cookie. And you throw in some thing I never heard of, toffee. He never heard of toffee.

I don't think so. I heard of coffee. Coffee and toffee, similar. They're both kind of fun and bitter. I've heard of tofu. Oh, you don't want that in a cookie? No, you don't. Killer tofu.

But anyway. Yes, so. One of the people there did not care for your vibe. No, no. So we're, we're, this guy's dying. He's rolled over laughing. Is it rolled over? Bulled over.

Bulled over. And we're celebrities. If you've seen someone perform and then you see them outside in your business, I think to you, you're like, this is crazy. Exactly. So he's having the time of his anal and we're laughing. He's laughing. He's dying.

He goes, let me get a photo. I gotta get a photo with you guys. And I do my stock line. He's in the middle. He's got his arm around both of us. Some guy, some guy takes the photo and I go, anyone else hard? Classic. Classic line never fails.

This guy falls over laughing. Ah, that's cold. And then the girl says, boy, let me think of what she said. I want to get it right. I have it if you don't have it. She was very off put. She never smiled. She was skeptical of us the whole time.

I suspect racism. I got to be honest. Really? Yeah. I think she doesn't like white guys. I don't know what's going on there, but she seemed very off put by us immediately. There was no, no smile. No, like, hey, how do you do?

She didn't want to meet us. No. Maybe we were just inter. I could be judging. She was just interrupting her at work. Maybe. But you'd think the one guy was like, I love these guys. Look at these guys.

There was no reason for her to not, because it didn't start with that. She immediately was off put by our whole thing. Oh, see, I didn't notice her out of the game. I was, I always noticed when somebody hates me and she hated me. Okay. And then you said, is anybody hard? And then she said something like, she goes, nice personality. That's a nice personality.

Yeah. She's like, to that effect. She was like, that's a nice personality. Real nice. Yeah. Great personality. And just really, it rubbed her wrong. Real wrong.

Rubbed her wrong. But here's the thing. It's not like you said anything about her or towards her. No. Even, you weren't even addressing her. No. She just didn't like it. I think she didn't like us from the get go.

And that was her cue to show her hatred. Because boy, she said it was some fervor. Yeah. And I remember thinking like, well, I don't like yours. Like, we're having fun. Why can't you have fun? Also, I wasn't talking to you. And what a weird thing, even if you don't like my personality,

what a weird thing to just let me know that, let a stranger know immediately, oh yeah, I don't like you. Yeah. And your personality, even if you don't think it's funny, is fine. You're coming in going, hey, all right. You're cracking jokes. You're being fun. I'm positive.

You're taking a picture with the guy. You're being friendly. He obviously likes you, wants you there. Us. He's enjoying our company. You're the stick in the mud. Exactly. Everybody's having fun, except you.

And you're going, oh, great personality. Well, your personality sucks. Right. If you step aside from this, step out of the situation, and you see four people having fun, cracking jokes, laughing and enjoying themselves, happy as can be. And one person with their arms folded,

shaking their head, being kind of rude. Uh-huh. Isn't it your personality that sucks? Here, here. Why don't you suspect that? Right. I did not care for that woman. And he's friends with her.

And I'm sure she's a wonderful artist. And maybe, just maybe, she was, they were just getting into it. They're trying to create it. Maybe. And she'd just come up with a great idea. And now she's being interrupted by these two goofs. Right. Although the door is open.

I always get annoyed. I want to do a joke about that. People are like, we're closed. I'm like, but you're literally open. Uh-huh. The building is physically open. Right. If you're closed, why am I in here?

Yes. How'd I get in here? It's like a girl with her leg spread going, wow, we won't get into that. No, that's different. I've got to tell you, I've been talking about it. I'm very woke now. Oh, no.

Well, this pot is over then. I'm rating John Krakauer, my favorite writer of all time. I mean, it is the great. You're a Krakauer head. Investigator. I mean, this guy is really something. Now, who is he now? He did Into the Wild, which is my favorite book of all time.

Good book. Good movie. Into Thin Air, which is about that, which they made a movie also, Everest. Oh, he likes Into as an opener. Yeah. He's a character in the movie. This one's called Into Her Vagina Without Permission. Uh-huh.

It's a longer title. Yeah. It's actually called Missoula. And it's about the University of Montana and these, these, right. There is a rape situation on these college camps. It's horrific. Oh, is that right? This book is ruining my sex life.

I can't make love anymore. Well, that means you're healthy. I guess so. I mean, I'm, I'm having sad. I just, I'm thinking about these. I'm getting soft. I'm like, I hate it. Yeah.

Physically my penis. Yeah. That bums me out. Even some porn can be too raw. I watch some porn. I'm like, this is silly. Like the girl is, it's got a fucking tears rolling down her face. And she's gone.

Oh, my God. All right. All right. All right, porn. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's terrible. I don't want to get into it because it's not fun or funny, but it's an amazing book.

And below my mind, he also wrote, um, under the banner of heaven, which is about these Mormon murders, which was also great. But he really gets in there and investigates and gives you the stats and the business. These stats are not, not pretty. I believe it. It's a terrible, terrible situation. Let me ask you about reading. A lot of that.

Oh yeah. Please ask me about reading. All right. So I, I, I want to read more. I've had a few books, mostly on comedy lately. And, uh, it's a real struggle for me to read. I hate to announce that because you want to seem like a well read cock. But I said, all right, today it was 11 a.m.

I said, I'm going to read till 1140 and I sat down and I did it, but it wasn't easy. Does that mean I have the wrong book? It was, it felt like an assignment. I was just forcing myself to do it. It's hard. I had the same problem. I was just talking to, uh, Dan Bulger about this. We had a great talk about it.

And I've had to talk about this in therapy. We just have to accept that we're not good reader. We're slow readers or bad at retaining information or whatever it is, or I have a tension span. You got to reread the page four times. It takes me forever. And we were talking about that. Both Dan and I had a similar thing. I mean, he's where I mean, he has like, I feel like severe learning disability or attention.

I don't know if it's learning. I guess it's under the category of learning disability, but it's something you're calling somebody retarded when you say they have a severe learning disability. But he's got a, he's got serious attention problems. Um, but I do too. I'll read a page because my mind is elsewhere. I'm reading a book, literally thinking about whatever the fuck my sex I had earlier or my mother or pants.

Yeah. Now this, it's hard to find. This is the problem with books. I buy a book. I don't go to the library and borrow a book. I'll buy a book, but sometimes like a movie, if you're not into it, it's only an hour, two hours, and you can turn it off and walk away. A book, you're like, I just bought this book.

I don't even like it. Yeah. I'm 10 pages in. I'm not feeling it. Sometimes this book, everyone's about to get a page turn. I can't stop reading. Uh-huh. That's what I'm looking for.

I'm thinking about it right now. Like I got to get back in there. So there's some books like that and some books you just, blah, doesn't, doesn't hit you when you're, when you itch. All right. But sometimes it's just difficult. But I had that too. I'm like, I'm buying this book and I'm like, I have too many books that I've started and

read it half of or a quarter of. I'm like, I'm reading this book. That's all there is to it. I'm fucking reading it. And it's really destroying my mind. I was like, I'll read a little bit before I go to bed. And then I'm tossing and turning, reading about these horrible fucking situations. And that's a bad situation out here.

These fucking horrible rapes. It's an interesting thing. You got to be interested. It's, it's interesting. And it's well written. Like into the wild. You should read into the wild. That's my favorite book ever.

It's pretty amazing. And what helps with sometimes that book is like, you've seen the movie. Right. So you kind of like. Got a visual. Yeah. You're kind of like, oh, okay. But the book gets so much more into it.

I like crime things of like, this happened then, then this happened, then this happened. I like a biography. I like, that's how that guy got in there. That's how he started. I like all that. But sometimes you have that. And there's like, there's a documentary or Wikipedia page will do. Exactly.

A lot of these bios. I think we've talked about this before. The beginning is talking about his grandparents. I'm like, I don't give a fuck about Groucho's grandparents. Who gives a fuck? I want to cut to like adulthood. Well, maybe the grandparents were in Auschwitz and they, you know, got a little showery and then, but then they got out.

Even they got out switch. And then I'm like, I don't give a fuck. I remember reading like, the Bushes started and the thing and just I'm like, who gives a fuck? Get to Iraq. Yeah. Yeah. Like Iraq.

But see, I watched the Oklahoma city bombing documentary today and I'm like, I was on the edge of my seat. I was riveted. I was like, I had no idea about this. This is all new to me, but I bet if I had a book, I'd just tear the page out and use them as a toilet paper. It'd be, I would never get through it. Yeah.

A lot of times the documentary is better and it's easier. I'm a visual retainer. I'll have to read. I said, and this guy, uh, crack out. He's just so good cause it's almost like a, it's like a research paper, essentially. And he has like a table of contents in the back with the name. So I have to be like, Kerry, who's Kerry? I'm like, go to the conversing back.

I'm like, all right. Kerry is this one. And then they're all, there's a Kelly and a Kerry. Yes. And they're getting raped. So it's like, which one was that? Was that the guy that jerked off in her head? Or this is the one that fucked her in the end.

But I'm really learning a lot about the, we should change the subject because this is very serious. I've learned a lot about the police investigated and how hard it is and all these people that are like, why it's not reported and all this shit. And I just feel terrifying. Reading is good. And I'm almost jealous and impressed. And I feel lesser than than a guy who reads a lot or gal.

Uh, you know, you always hear like, Oh, this guy's very well ready. Oh shit. Cause it almost shows some kind of discipline. It shows some kind of like studiousness. You're better than me. If you have that, but I, all I do all day is take in interview podcasts. And, uh, you know, all these books on tapes and stuff like that. So it's all going to my ear.

Yeah. You're taking it in different ways. That's it. You know, I can't read while walking. See, that's the real problem. The problem you have or driving is not that you're having trouble that you can't know like reading. The trouble is you're beating yourself up for not reading enough.

All right. And you're the only person that thinks that nobody's like, Oh, if I can mark doesn't even read books. Yeah. Well, I'm sure. You know, I've heard girls like I've been on dates with girls before and they're like, Oh, he's a kind of guy. You can tell he's never read a book.

That's an insult. Yeah, it is. But that's the, you know, you got to even in that situation still, you have to be like, Yeah, but I'm smart. You have to be secure with your own intelligence and what you do. I mean, like some people might not read books, but they're film experts. Sure. Sure.

Some people are athletes and some people can do math. It can be a film buff. Yeah. You don't have to read. You're putting that own pressure. I'm like, I'm doing that. I'm like, I can't even read a book. I should be reading.

All I'm doing is looking at my phone. I'm addicted to my phone. I'm looking at the new. I do the same thing. I mean, you spot it. You got it. That's how I'm able to identify it. I do the exact same thing.

So you got that piece. I sure do. I can spot it. It's spotting all of my asshole. I think I could spot it too. Which worries me. Oh, you looking at my dick again? Always.

But anyways, yeah, she's stunk and rapes stinks and boy, oh boy, it's consuming my mind. It's really put me in a sour move like my wife's like, you got to stop reading this book. Yeah. She's also like, good for you. Get some perspective. You fucking loser, dude. Let me, let me, let me talk about where the fuck was I?

Albany. Albany. And you were in Hartford. Yeah. I was a couple of weeks earlier. We were both pretty close, but let me add. Did you train fly or dry? I took the train and boy at three hours, two and a half to 40.

How about this? I got, I always had landed. I got there. My manager was on the train the whole time. What? He's like, I just realized all he's like, I'm just took the train to Albany. You on this train? I'm like, I am.

That sounds like an old detective novel. He was on the train the whole time. Yes. He was up ahead of me. And so that was fun. I, part of me suspected maybe he realized much earlier, but just didn't want to spend three hours with the client. I thought the same.

Like maybe he's like, oh, you know what? I just realized five minutes before we got here. Yeah. I didn't want to say it. I've seen people on the train and avoided. Oh, fuck yeah. Big train avoider. It's one of my, one of my talents.

I'm not a braggadocious guy, but one of my talents, I can spot someone before they spot me and I get to decide if I will make the approach or hide. Yeah. You got to duck under. I had a couple of weird train things. I liked, I liked the aisle because I liked to piss and jerk off and run around and get up. I don't like feeling trapped in the window, even though it's a spectacular ride up that

Hudson Valley there. We drove right through Tarrytown. I got emotional. My wedding, the whole thing. Oh, about a year anniversary. Yes. And then peak skill. I think you have so many memories up there now.

So people say that people like Tarrytown, what draws you to there? What are you, are you from there? Is she from there? Like no, but we'll have the memory after we go there. Yes. We'll make a new mems. New mem. But anyways, I sit, I get in the train first early because I get everywhere fucking early.

And then this guy, this couple, I'm on the aisle, so the windows next to me, it's a full train. These two guys, bros, 40 year old bros, the aging bro, paid an aging bro, a bad bro. So he walks in and he goes, Hey boss, we're traveling together. Would you mind switching to that side? Like kind of like tough guys, me. Oh, just have a nice ask. And I'm like, I mean, I'm happy to move over there.

And that was actually the better. I was actually sitting, regretting being on this side because I was like, that's the river side. So I was like, I felt, I had to say something. I stood up and I said, I'm actually not the boss, but yeah, I'm happy to move. And then the other guy, guy too was like, thanks man, we appreciate it. Like you can tell he was less douchey. I hate the boss because it's very condescending.

Yes. It's him saying he's better. He's acting like, Hey, you're the boss, man. I'm like, you're a fucking douche. I hate you. Wow. But anyways, did he get a snicker at the boss thing? Cause that's pretty clear jab.

Well, I made him feel stupid once I was like, I'm actually not the boss, but I'm happy to move over here. And he kind of was like, like, you could feel he felt dumb. It's a little snippy. Fuck that guy. I like being snippy. Well, a lot of guys try to act like more alpha in front of their douche friend too. Yeah.

Yeah. He was alone. He might not have done that. Just a putz. I hated him. I was next to a good guy, except I heard I could hear his music was loud enough that I could hear it and then he was listening to the sympathy for the devil and he skipped it halfway through.

I was like, what kind of piece of shit is this boy? You are observed. You hear the whoop, whoop, please to meet you. Skip. I'm like, what are you crazy? You got halfway through that and decided to change it. It's like me with a book. I was like, fuck this guy.

Yeah. Anywho. So I went to Albany, took the train up and then the way back, I know we have a lot of travel stories and some people tweet and say, Hey, fuck your mother in the ass. Bring them on. Some guy hates my burrito stories. Stop listening. Yeah.

Get out of here. He's a goof. He's like, oh, we got another story about Mark in the burrito. Yeah, we do. Suck it up. Hey, we're filling an hour a week for free, but I had and we're doing quite a few bonuses for three bucks a month. Sing it, sister.

Yeah. You got about 300. I mean, we've done 500 episodes. So, you know, whatever. Think of your own asshole. Please. You might like it. Send me a video.

It's breaking me down, Mark. I'm starting to break down. You seem a little broken. I'm broken. I'm reading about rape. The travel. It's just killing me. Oh, it's tough.

And that was an easy day. Easy day. No flight. No airport. Here's what I should have done. I should have got a one-way train for 44 bucks, beautiful afternoon train. And then I should have rented a car one way because they give you 300 bucks for travel. Sure.

Now, if you're getting there on 44, that leaves you to 56. Good math. I could have rented a car for 90 or 80, whatever. Yeah. I should have left the night of the show because now Bulger and Tom, they live in Bod. They take it off after the show. So now you're lonely because you're always lonely when you're by yourself. But when you're lonely, Est is right after two friends just left.

Oh, no doubt about it. You've been hanging with the friends. Now the friends are gone and everything seems eerily quiet. You're just sitting there and you're hoping for something on TV, but there's nothing on TV. Never anything on TV. You're running out of news. The whole thing.

You go to HBO and it's Game of Thrones and fucking... I hate a dragon. Whatever. You know, demolition man. I can't even watch this. Three shills? So now I'm in the hotel. I'm trying to read.

That keeps me up all night. I got an early train. So I can't sleep. I got... I'm thinking about raping trains and running trains. They do that. These Missoula, Montana boys. That's what they do.

Is that right? Oh, they're horrible people. Wait. How do you run a train on a... Well, we'll tell me later. She's sleeping. She's all sleepy. They get these people drunk.

You can't even believe this stuff. Wow. So anyways. Missoula. I'm woke. Apparently. I'm a woke tonight after that story. That's what I'm saying.

So then I get on... I got the morning train. I'm up till three in the morning. I'm like, I'd be home right now. If I had a car, I would have been home. Yes. But instead I'm just sitting in a lonely bed. My wife said home.

I hate the wasted time. So then I take the train the next morning, Amtrak train. It's 40 minutes late getting to New York City. And with Amtrak, it's the same as the airline. There's no apology. No nothing. You just have to live with it. You just go, yeah, we're 40 minutes late.

That's it. That's life. Fuck it. So then I come off the Amtrak. It's in Grand Central. Amtrak's going to Grand Central now, starting last year. I'm a Penn Station douche. There are almost exclusively, except now there's like two trains that run to Albany at Grand

Central. So then I go to the sixth train, which takes me uptown. I miss it by seconds. Those doors close. You just go, fuck. Nothing worse. And a weekend too. And it's Sunday.

I'm already 40 minutes late. So the train doors close. They take off. So I go down to the seven train, which takes me one stop to Queens. I can transfer to my train, which is the end train. I wait for the seven for 25 minutes. A feature set at a comedy club. A cop comes down and goes, well, folks, we got a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I go back upstairs, take the sixth to the end train, the end to Queensborough Plaza. Folks. Oh, I forgot. I wrote 15 minutes for the end train. Then we get there. It gets to Queensborough Plaza. Yes. And then they say, well, the train's running express.

I have to walk from there with my luggage. I got home two hours after I had scheduled to get home. An hour and 40 minutes after, our 20 minutes after I got to Grand Central, which for those people at home, Grand Central to my house is 25 minutes. Oh, yeah. An hour. And then the days ruined Saturday. We get our haircut.

I lost a day with my wife. And I tell you, this is a bad mindset I have, but we talked about this recently. I look at life as like a finite amount of days. Same. Same here. I lost a day with my wife because of these trains. Exactly. The MTA, we need to revolt.

I want to get guns and start shooting MTA people. It'd be nice. Kill yourselves MTA. You're taking our money every month. The money keeps going up and the tracks keep getting worse and the trains are more limited. You're giving us nothing. They're never running. That's the thing.

It's never running. There's never a time when all the trains are just running. No. No, it's not going to happen. Fuck your mother and the asshole. But anyways, Albany was great. I was up there with Bulger, who's a brilliant, brilliant comedian. Amazing.

I was jealous of your weekend. He had a good crew. Oh, Dustin. We had a great hang. Had cigars. We're sitting in the backyard. We hung out. Bulger and I went to the park.

We went to something like Weird Ghetto Park where they were like inbred. It's so weird. Inbred. Yeah, there used to be a lot of, I heard this rumor from Tom, a couple of people, that there was so much incest in New York. They started putting upstate New York that they put Syracuse and SUNY up there because they're like, we got to have people coming in from out of town. Whoa, is that right?

I don't know if that's right, but it's a wives tale. I like it. And we saw one of those girls. It's like six, but like balding. She's like thinning hair. You can see her scalp. You're like, what's going on here? It's interesting that God made inbreeding bad, you know, because it could have just

been like, whatever, fuck your uncle. But he goes, he made, I'm not, I'm not a fan of God or believe in him, but it's interesting that he was like, or biology is like, yeah, this is so fucked up that we're going to make this kid bald. Yeah. Yeah. Let them know their kids are going to be weird. They try fucking each other.

Yeah. Yeah. They claim the Jews had a lot of inbreeding. Oh, is that right? Yeah, because they were so secular. You know, they don't like, don't touch them, don't touch them, stick together. So they started fucking their sisters. Oh, interesting.

I read a book or audio book. Oh, wow. Half a book. Well, let me tell you this. We had a run in with a real psychopath up there. Oh boy. So we're sitting a Saturday afternoon. We're sitting there and there was a nice hotel.

It's a nice hotel up there. They got a little back patio. There's grills. Tom grilled out. He cooked some filet mignon and some, what's the one with the piss smells asparagus? Ah, yes. The green piss. Yeah.

The green piss, the whole nine. And so we're sitting back there having a nice Saturday afternoon. They're smoking cigarettes. I'm smoking. I got a nice big, my father's. Yeah. Yeah. Your father.

Yeah. Having a nice smoke. And all of a sudden there's this guy who we saw earlier. We were pulling up and in the car and there's a guy sitting in his car, like with the door open, feet out, kind of like, like it's a bench and he's head nodding as we're going. He's like doing a smiley head nod. And we're like, who is this guy? Why is this guy?

I thought maybe he recognized us. Interesting. So I was like, what happened last night? So I'm like, I think nothing of it. I'm like, what a weird guy. Head nodding at us. Ain't a head nod. So we're sitting out back having some cigars and all of a sudden the guy, but he comes

walking over and he walks, he's got a cigarette in his hand, sunglasses kind of ripped probably in his fifties, early fifties. Oh, is he an older bro, aging bro? Aging bro with this guy is a nutcase. He walks, he's got all under armor on and like a backwards flag, the whole thing. He's a nut. He walks over and he's like, hey boys, I can tell right now you guys are bad boys. I can tell you college bad boys who knows what you're up to.

You're up to something wild. You know, like he's sounding you just coked up and he's like, what are you boys doing? You're going to school? Everyone's going to school. He must be starting school. What are you guys studying? What are you studying? And I go, we're adults.

Tom Dustin is 42 years old. Yeah, exactly. 40. He's 90. 43 years old. That was bulger. He's like a kid. He looks young, but he's 32, up 36.

Yeah, but he wears a hat with a propeller on, he's got a lollipop in his head. I mean, he's young, but like I'm like, we're adult men. Like we're not, I mean, I appreciate it, but he's like, what are you studying? I'm like, we're old. And he's like, oh, I'm 52. How old are you guys? What are you talking about? I'm like, what are you?

He's like, I didn't mean to insult you. Whatever. But I just want to say, I can tell you back. You get the cigar. I used to live in the Dominican Republic and I work for the CIA, man. He goes on and on. He was a cop. He was a fireman.

He was in the CIA. He's in the FBI. He has mob friends. He's friends with the KKK. He's an anti-black man. He's like, no, white supremacist. I had white supremacist and black man at the friend. Friends.

That's how crazy I was. I was one of those tough dudes. And it went on for about 20 minutes. It was one of those people right away. You're like, this is a crazy person. Oh yeah. We got a crazy person on our hands. And then Tom, he bails immediately.

He's like, all right. And then leaves. So that's just Bulger and I. And like, what was it? The filet mignon's getting burned. No, that was at previous. That was Friday. I thought he's left the stakes. No, no.

Thank God the stakes were low on this one. He pulled up stakes. So this guy made a mistake. I mean, long story short, the guy went on for half. I thought about recording him a video for like a, for a Patreon. But then I'm like, if this guy ever caught me, he's a crazy person. I mean, he's a psychopath. He's got a black panther friend.

And then I thought about reporting him and being like, you got crazy. Because I don't think he was even staying in the hotel. Because he's just sitting in his car. Yeah. And then standing out back. But he was a first class. But he ruined the hang. Of course.

I brought like a half lit cigar into the hotel. I was like still smoking and shit. And we had to just split up, go our separate ways. And I'm like, oh, that sucked. Wow. We were afraid to hang and meet up again. That's why I hate the head nod. Because the head nod to him goes, all right, I'm in with these guys.

And then later he sees you goes, oh, I head nodded them. We're in. Yeah. Yeah. He thought he was in, but he was out. But good shows up there. Really? Yeah.

That one's better than Syracuse and Hartford. I completely, I said it's one of the better funny bones. Yeah. They were really nice people. Good shows. A few Tuesdays came out. Not a ton, which was a bummer. Yeah.

It's an inbred town. Our people are fucking strangers. Yeah. But good shows. A lot of fun. I mean, both those guys killed. We were killing Elon. Musk.

Eon. Eon. Ian. Egon. Ian. Ian. Ian Philance. I met him in Antucket.

Nice guy. He's from upstate there. Ian Philance. He spells his name. Sounds made up. E-I-O-N. How wacky is that? E-I-O-N.

Wait. E-I-O-N. E-I-O-N. E-I-O-N. That's a form of time measurement, right? It's Ian. His name is Ian. Huh?

Do you know what Jiffy is a measurement of time? I did know that. I think we have this recorded about nine different times. Yeah. One eighth of a penis. I don't know what it is. But yeah, his name's Ian E-I-O-N. He sounds like the end of a song.

I was just going to say, it's like how did it, what did it say? E-I-O-N. Yeah. Oh, McDonald. Oh, McDonald. And it's also Ian Phidat. That's what I was thinking. This is Ian Philat.

So I'm like, one of them's going to have to change their names. Yeah, one's going to. Well, one will kill himself eventually. Yeah. Maybe bull. I mean, they're both wackos. Ian Phidat is great. He's a good egg.

He's a good egg. Great egg. And then Ian. I don't know about him. I don't like this Ian or Aira. No, Ian is good. Oh, he's good. Ian's good.

He hung out. Well, I met him in Nantucket. And he was funny. He's like one of these, you know, he's like a nerdy comic guy. And he goes on stage and you're like, let's, this guy either going to suck or be good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's how it goes.

No, there's a lot of tweeners. That's true. I don't want to start naming tweeners, but you know there's tweeners. Good point. A lot of baby tweeners. I'm talking like suck, like eat a bag of farts or like kill. And he killed. Oh, great.

He's got funny stuff. He's like three years in. He's 21 or something. Wow. He's got some good, good life. I mean, he's a real judge. He's going to be something this guy. He's got a good base.

He's 18 or 18. He's already good. Yeah. We were talking about that. We were hanging out with them late night. And I'm like, he was, this guy was three years old when Tom and I became friends. That's what's weird about life now. We're sitting back there.

I'm like, this guy was three. He graduated high school in 2015. Wow. And the under armor guy was 17 when he met the David Duke. Yes. It's crazy. I think he fought him or something. That guy was nuts.

But anyway, so Ian hangs out. He comes and I told him. I was like, I'm going to be in Albany. And if you ever, you know, you throw this out there. We're sitting around a campfire at the end of a festival. I'm like, come by the Albany funny bone. I'll throw you up. And then of course I get like a text and a phone call.

A pigeon shows up in the letter being like just confirming. That date's been circled on his calendar since the 80s. Oh yeah. With lipstick. Yeah. And I dart through it. So I call my manager. I'm like, listen, this guy's going to shoot up a school if we don't get him a guest spot.

Sure. And we did. And he killed. I mean, he killed his mother came. She was so sweet. She's laughing. Yeah. And a killer set.

So I said, you know, come back tomorrow. Come hang. We hung all night. I'm like, come back and hang tomorrow. And he's one of these guys is like, are you sure? Are you serious? Do you mean it? Should I kill myself?

It's kind of charming. I like that. It's in deer. I hate the cocky. I like it insecure loser. Hate cocky. This guy sat in the arm of the chair the whole time. He's terrified.

He wouldn't order a drink. Love it. Don't impose you weirdos. Yes. Great. Great. He really was fun and funny. A good guy.

So I said, come back tomorrow. We hung all night Friday. He's like, what are you kidding? Should I kill myself? Are you just kidding? Are you going to pull my pants down? Yeah. I said, no, I have a great time.

He went up. He killed again. All right. And this time, I think he was bummed. He thought he had a bad set, but he had a great set. Then we hung that night too. At one point I felt bad because I went to get cheesecake fat. He was a bulger.

And then Tom's like, dude, you drive me back. You drive me to the hotel. So he was alone with Tom for like a half hour. Tom's like this grizzled fat. He's been drinking all day. You know, he's twice his age. He's like, the thing with the fucking fat. You're back.

You're back. And this kid, you can tell he was just terrified. Like, where's Joe? Your Tom is a great Bobby Kelly. I can't. They're all the same. My impressions, I mean. Yeah.

Older guys with a Boston accent. Yeah. Bobby and our Disney Lenny Clark. I do the same fucking dad. But anyways, we had a good hang. Good for you, Ian. Philance. Don't ever call me.

Or me. But he's selling a good kid. And keep doing it. Good seed. He's going to be a writer. This guy's going to be big. He's going to be a writer or a producer. And a good stand-up.

I'm sure he's going to. He's studying screenwriting. The whole thing. He loves comedy. He's obsessed. This guy's a shoe-in. Just don't fuck a relative, Ian. You're one of the same comics.

And then he said, Phil Hanley. I was like, I hit the call Hanley. Man. You got to be shitting me. Call Hanley. He needs to hear it, folks. Yeah. Good, good time.

Well, I got to tell you about that. Oh, are you still, are you still in? I got more. But let's go back and forth. I can breeze through Connecticut. All right. Breeze through. And I got a few other things here that are kind of fun.

Well, I took the Amtrak as well. And I guess we're going the same direction, huh? No, not really. All right. Because mines do north. It's like a river. You're going east. Boston really is pretty much east if you look at a map.

It's northeast. But you think of Boston as north, but really it's more of you. If you look, it's a little more east. It's kind of like this. Whereas Albany's. Got it. I think it's like a 30 degrees. All right.

I don't know if that makes sense. Good band. I thought it was 98. All right. So I go to Hartford, Connecticut. Not the most ideal comedy club. No. But I got Dr. J Sute hosting.

Love Dr. J. And I got Doug Key featuring. Love Key. Great guys. Good eggs. And get there on Thursday. Took the Amtrak. Picked up by the club manager.

Dropped off at the hotel. Thursday's a shithouse show. It is just rough. You know, it's all papered. It's 25 people. Maybe 30. Guys got his feet on the stage. Front row.

Douchey MMA wannabe. Hat backwards. Tight t-shirt. Ripped hot blonde girlfriend. Front row feet on the stage. And I just go, God damn it. What are we doing? You know, we all have these like moments of like,

I just want to be shown respect. I'm already here in the middle of nowhere. I know people who turn down this club. I'm doing it. But I'm nobody. I understand that. But Jesus, have some consideration. I know.

Feet on the stage. It's very troublesome. So I start making fun of the guy and he's like, he's nice enough because he's very secure. Obviously he's ripped. And he's just like, yeah, yeah, whatever. And then he just starts talking to his girl like, so you get the cheesecake or am I getting cheesecake?

We split the cheese like literally that loud. You shut up. Like, what are you doing? And I go on this whole rant about how Hamilton, it must be nice to be in Hamilton because no one does this. Brian Hamilton? No, the play. Oh, I see.

Yeah. No one's given Aaron Burr shit. So I'm just flipping out on this guy and it's just a bummer. And then you get out of there and Doug Keys, I love him to pieces. And he's a great guy and we like to party. But he's like, I got to go back. I got my lady's car.

And I was like, oh, shit. So then you just, it's like you say, you're just alone. Oh. So I'm talking to Jay Sute and he's a cool guy. And you go back to the hotel. You rub 18 jerk offs out. You watch 37 YouTube. You go to bed.

Boom. Alarm rings. You got to go to press. Yep. And press was weird because I go in and it's this lady on the radio. And she's like one of these outgoing ladies. You know, she's like, everybody tells me, I'm a crazy girl. Oh, yeah.

She's a radio person. Yeah, exactly. So we're in there and she's got a giant dog. It's Friday. Casual Friday. Casual Friday. I break the dog in. There's one thing you know about me.

I don't like a dog, any size, but a giant. Forget about it. Big old. And it's jingling and jangling. This is horrible for radio. You're on mic the whole time. You got the, you got the air sealed vacuum sealed room. But yeah, you got a, I got a panting jingle.

I hate dogs. I hate their assholes. The teeth are too sharp. It's a whole situation. Yeah, he's clawing up. But you're on the, on the high chair on, on mic. And it's clawing up at you. The claws.

Yeah. I'm doing it. I'm on the air, cunt. The claws, the teeth and the butthole. Yes. It's a bad triple. It's a bad triple. So I'm ground, I'm grumpy.

It's in the morning. I'm gay. I hate myself. She sucks. She's all loud and annoying. I hate when people replace funny for goofy. Yeah. I think of the same thing.

She's like, I'm a wacky bra. No one will marry me. I'm going to die alone. Well, well, well, you know, shut up. Yeah. Give me a joke, a punchline you twat. So whatever. I'm on the radio.

I hate myself. And the dog sniffing my dick and the whole thing. And she, I say a joke and she's like kind of offended by it. And she goes, Hey, what was that? And also look me in the eye when I'm talking to you. Blah, blah. So I'm like, Oh my God. Jesus.

So I go, Oh, I'm autistic. And she just freezes. And the room goes cold. The dog goes. Like, Oh, you know that you don't have a feeling when you say something. Kind of like what I said to anyone else. Yeah. It was that moment.

And she goes, I work with autistic kids. How dare you? And she turned, you know, totally demonic. And she was like, what are you trying to say? And I was like, I'm on the spectrum. I just went with it. I just kept going. And she's like, she was like, Oh my God.

I'm so sorry that she totally went with it. I was like, Yeah, yeah. And you know, you know, at this point, I'm trying not to show emotion because autistic kids, they don't have emotion. Yeah. You got to start guessing candy bar prices and shit. Yeah. I'm playing the part.

I'm going, you know, in 1941, you know, this and that. And I'm just saying numbers. Yeah. And she totally bought it. And I got out of there. And then she was like, so nice to me. It was like a curb episode. She was like, Oh my God.

Thank you for coming in and trying to hug me. And I was like, I was like, I'm autistic. So now the dog's up my ass. And we get out of there and the club manager guy is like, you want this? Yeah. Let's get the hell out of here. So he brought me home and that was it. But yeah, we had a good Friday's show.

Friday's shows were great. Oh, that's good. Yeah. And Dr. J. Sue Tay said, Hey, tomorrow morning, come over to my place. I got a pool. We'll grill out. We'll smoke weed. We'll swim.

I'll get the dog in the pool. And he's, you know, this guy's a divorcee pediatrician. He's got dough. Yeah. So we go to his place and he lives out in the burbs. He's got a beautiful pool, nice house. And you can tell he's a divorce guy. He's the funniest guy because his wall is just like lined with like animal house

and blues brothers and Godfather and all that. He's like man caved it out. And we're just out there and it's just got the boom box going. Feet up. I'm in the pool. The dog's running. You spray the dog with the hose and he bought a fruit plate. And then we had a quiff.

It was just a great time. Oh, that sounds nice. Yeah. We had a fun day. A nice wholesome day. And I'm trying to drink less. And he made banana margaritas. So I had one of those.

And he's just a cool, he's got a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, hits the blender, you know. Banana margaritas coming up, you know. Oh, wow. Just a good time. And then Saturday shows were, first show was a struggle. A lot of this shit where you go, so I used to live with a gay guy.

Oh, boy. Shut up, you God fearing douchebags. What are you doing? I mean, you come guzzling cunts. So I just called him out. I'm just yelling at people now. That's my whole thing. I'm turning into a yelling comic, which I hate.

Don't be too yelling. I don't want to be too yelling. But I'm just going to grow up. Shut up. Live your life. We're all going to die one day. This is when you spend your time on, like, get over yourself. Yeah.

And so I do a lot of that now, which I'm not a fan of. But it needs to be done. I feel like I'm doing a service in comedy clubs almost, where it's like, look, these are words. You're not going to go to hell. I will. Shut up. I'm autistic.

So Friday or Saturday late show, I'm like, Drayla, this is going to be rough, man. You know when you're shaking hands after the first show, you're like, I don't know if I have another one in me. Yes, of course. That's every week. Yeah. I was like, I don't think I got it.

And then they were the hot, Doug Key went up and murdered, Sute murdered right out of the gate. It was like, it was like, you said it was like a good half full rumor. They were all into it. Yes. I love that. I had the same experience in Albany.

Late show Friday was the best show I thought. They were really fun. And I got silly. It was kind of fun. Yeah. It was great. And the last show was amazing. Thanks.

All the Tuesdays came out. I got some Chipotle cards for you. Oh, I'll take them. I'm running low. I got back back. I had the hotel breakfast right before the Amtrak. No better feeling. And yeah, I got back to NYC and did an hour at Fat Black that

night. So I did, you know, I did another hour, basically a Sunday show, but in the city. That's fun. That's a good weekend. Fun time. Brendan Ayer hosted. He killed it.

Great times. Good to be here. Good to have you. Hit me with Albany. Well, first of all, what do you think about this? Late show Friday. I was having fun. It was goofy.

They were drunk. And it was small. I did a Patrice O'Neill joke. What? On stage. Wait a minute. Beep, beep, beep. Back it up.

Beep, beep, beep. What happened? So I'm on stage. I'm talking. I'm just being loose and fun. And I go, someone said discrepancy. I couldn't think of the word discrepancy. So someone said discrepancy.

And I was like, yes. I was like, great word. I love that word. So I don't get to use that word enough. And then some guy goes, spell it. And I was like, I couldn't spell that word if I had to. And then I was saying this thing. I'm trying to make an analogy of what I would have to do to spell that word.

I would never be able to do it. And I thought of Patrice's joke. Yeah. And the joke, my joke is going, you ever had this happen where everything is pointing in the direction of a joke. So I stopped the show. I was like, you guys know Patrice O'Neill? Two people were like, woo.

Yeah. Like I was like, ah. I was like, well, he's got this great joke. This is Patrice. You guys should know who he is. He's a much better comedian than I am. He's a brilliant, brilliant comedian. He's dead.

So technically I'm better than him now. And that got like no laugh. That's funny. And then I was like, the joke is like, someone was like, you know, that joke was like, I'll shoot your mom if you can't spell banana. And he's like, I'd be like, first thing, mom, I love you. Yeah. That's a great joke.

And then it kind of ate it. And I was just like, all right, well, you should hear him do. Everyone go home. Listen to Patrice O'Neill. He's a better comedian than I am. And whatever. But they were like so nice. And they was kind of like, what the hell just happened?

Right. Right. He's the best. Yeah. And then this week, you're stealing his material. Yeah. Well, I said, this is a Patrice O'Neill bit and it didn't work. I think we've all totally done that.

I mean, especially like bad, not when you're bombing horribly and you're like, like one time I was bombing so bad and I was talking about sluts and this woman went, woo. And I went, well, the whores have spoken. And I was like, oh my God. I said, clear David Teller. Yeah. And I completely came clean. I was like, oh, that's a David Teller.

I hate myself. Well, sometimes it's like people have written the joke for the situation. Yes. Yes. Where a guy's like, spell discrepancy. And I'm trying to express how I wouldn't even be able to spell that, come close to spelling that word. But there is no better thing to say than what he already said.

So I'm like, here's a guy that said this thing already. Exactly. That's funny. He just took a bit. Yeah. But anyways, that was that. And then. Here come the headlines.

Jola steals material. Hack, thief, Rogan. Get them. I think we'll be all right. I know. I'm just a mockery on the media. He's dead anyways. Rogan?

I don't think so. No. He's alive. He's doing fine. How about this? We're talking about media, radio. So we all dread radio. Everybody knows it.

I thought everybody knew it. So then I got radio Friday morning. Hold on. I got a burp bubble coming. Say something. Lay it on me, baby. Oh, man. I could almost see the stench in that.

Yeah. I think a piece of queso came flying out. I'm lactose now. But anyway, so I got morning radio and the manager up in Albany is wonderful. Kayla. Yes. Yeah.

She is a sweetest product. The sweetest, nicest manager I've ever met at the Funny Bones. A light-skinned black woman. I think she might be bi-racial. I suspect. I didn't talk to her too much. Very attractive. But she's got glasses.

Very attractive. Very sweet. Very nice. And so she's going to pick me up for radio, which is nice. You always want someone nice and sweet picking you up. Sometimes you get a goo for someone really annoying. So it was nice to have that. And then I wake up.

It's 6.55 AM. The alarm goes, it's so funny. 7 AM pick up. Bulge is like, what are you going to get up at 6? I'm like, what are you insane? I'm going to go to 6.57. Sure. I don't brush my teeth.

I don't do anything. I fucking throw on a shirt and a pair of shoes. Maybe a pair if they're lucky. What about TV? What do you mean? Oh, if you have TV, you've got to kind of do a thing. Even then, I'm like, what do I care? It's good morning fucking Connecticut.

Sure. And you're at Albany. Exactly. So I get up. It's 6.52. I go down. I make a tea. They got green tea and mint tea.

I did a little combo. I put one bag of each, throw the mint down a little early. I got a nice mint green tea. You did a grint. Yes. So I'm sitting outside on 702, 703, 705, which I've had this happen. It happened to me in Hartford. The guy was fucking 15 minutes late picking me up.

It makes me kind of crazy. Yeah. It's like, we hate this. I don't think it helps. It's fucking infuriating. I'm doing this for you. Yes. And you got to be on time.

So I text her. I go, hey, just making sure you pick me up in the front or the back. I'm outside. Then she immediately calls and I'm like, hello. And she's like, you're not going to believe what's happened. Oh, here we go. The company club car is broken down. Hey.

She's like, the guy who I'm training, his car is a piece of shit. She's like, I don't have a car. We're trying to get this fixed. But oh, boy, I just don't know. I guess I'm going to leave it up to you here. I was like, hold on. What are you leaving up to me? And she's like, well, I just don't know how we're going to get you there.

And like, this is going to take a while. We're waiting for AAA. So what do you think? And I was like, it's almost like a Todd Barry bin about cancel. I'm like, are you saying that we might not be doing radio? I'm like, I would love to not do radio. Yeah, don't leave it up to me, sister. And she's like, OK, well, then that's what we're going to do.

I'm really sorry. I'll take care of it. I'll call. And I'm like, all right. It was like a fucking, I thought I was getting punked. I thought I was going to jump up and be like, surprise. We're only getting a piece of shit. We got nine TV shows.

So she's like, all right, it's canceled. The cars broke down. I'm like, all right, great. So it's 7 0 5. I went back to bed. Yeah, you did. Unbelievable. It's like every comedian's dream.

And then I had a hot tea and I'm kind of awake. So I watched the news for like an hour. I went back to bed at eight, woke up at fucking 11 45. No radio. Oh, the car. I might start slashing tires on Thursday night. Sure. What a gift.

Magical gift. That's the best thing that ever can happen to your comedy career. Yeah. And I got one last little funny thing that happened. I thought she was going to say, can you Uber? That's what everyone else thought too. But no Uber. We just, that was it.

Hallelujah. And what kind of skank it lives in Albany without a car? How does she get around? I think she must have, her car was probably at her house. But she didn't have it with her. Interesting. And then how about this? This is a quickie.

This is a little Joe List quickie. And then we'll have to just make stuff up for a few minutes. Sure. I'm at the cellar Sunday night before the whole ordeal happened. Same show. I left early. I'm sitting there about to go on. Sean Donnelly is hosting and he's got a fart.

Sounds like Sean. I got a fart so bad. He's like, you know, I'm just going to, I'll do it out here. So you guys don't have to smell it. So he goes out, you know, in the hallway. So he pokes, he opens the door, the door that leads outside and just rips one. Little Irish breakfast. No.

Blood pudding. It looks out. There's a woman coming downstairs trying to go to the show. He just fucking dropped like a 20 second bomb. Like perfectly open the door. He's not looking. He's looking at me. Right.

And I can see the door has a little triangular window. Yes. He's looking at me with a big smile going. And this is lady like, uh, hello. I want to go to the show. And like, he just starts dying laughing. I'm like howling laughing. It looks like we're hazing this woman.

It was so perfect. Cause in the middle of the show, most people don't come downstairs cause usually there's a person up at the stairs, you know, guarding the stairs, but she walked right down and just walked right into a big old Donnelly bomb. I love it. Cause what a better way to enter a comedy club. That's comedy. Classic comedy.

I mean a fucking long ripper right in her face. Classic. Donnelly ripper. Also funny to fart on someone that you're not looking at. Oh yeah. Like he projectile farted because it was right here. His asshole was directly towards her. And he's eating burgers and drinking Guinness.

I mean, this is a, that's a fart. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. He's got some, uh, something dying inside of him. Yep. Not literally. Yeah. No.

That wasn't a divorce joke. God. Jeez. No. I don't know. I think we're good. He's, he's sweet as pie. I can, he can go toe to toe on Seinfeld with us too.

Oh yeah. He's a Seinfeld guy. What a great guy. Trying to write a TV show with him at the bars. Oh yeah. Donnelly's one of those guys. There's just not anything to dislike about him. No.

Loving the pieces. He's just always there. Always classic, class act, funny, great comedians. Sean Donnelly, if you don't know him, Shawnee time. He's got all kinds of podcasts, I think. Yeah. He's got 13 podcasts. He's got a ton of credit.

He did a letter book. He kills on the road too. He's a hustler too. Great guy. Give him a, give him a goog. This is good. We'll give some positivity out there. Check out Neon, Eon, Philance.

Yes. Dan Bulger, Tom Dustin. Both got albums. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Dangerous now, Tom Dustin. And Bulger's his call. I don't think I'm ready for this.

I'm not ready for this. He is so, he's got one of the best Me Too jokes. Oh really? He's got a joke about it. You know. I want to hear that. They kept busting these Me Too people. Eventually they started talking about it.

They kept busting these Me Too people. Eventually they started being newscasters. He's like, then those guys lost their jobs, which is really stupid. They should make them keep their jobs and report themselves. He's like, welcome to the evening news. We have a breaking story. There's a new predator and it's me. Oh, that's great.

Kills. So funny. Completely original. I haven't heard that take at all or anything like it. Great take. I live with both those guys at different times. That was fun. That's wild.

Talking albums. Becky Eon. Oh yeah. I'm halfway through it. Killer. Killed. Killer underrated guy. One of the best joke writers out there.

Everybody's got to get on the Becky Eon train. Hopefully it's not 40 minutes late. And Marina Franklin, I want to say, just did a hell of a Conan set. Great Conan. Good jokes and good edge, kind of an edgy, which I like. She's got the best trans joke, if you can say trans, whatever it is. The they? Yeah.

Killer joke. Check out Marina on Conan. Becky Eon. That was a big night. Burr ripped it on Conan. Conan episode. I watched the whole episode. Oh yeah.

Conan was great. Burr was great. Marina was great. He's like the king. I think he has the lowest ratings. The show's going down to 10 minutes a week. He's on cable. Yeah.

But he's the best one. Oh, Burt Kreischer special is out. Everybody, there's a lot of good comedy pumping out there. Dean Del Rey did Conan last night. It was fire. Oh, I got to watch it. Fire. Fire.

I love Dean Del Rey. Great egg, good egg. I called him. He called me and I called him back and then he's like, I'm doing Conan tonight. Yeah, he got it. Like three days notice or two days notice. Yeah. Yeah.

They called him on like Saturday to do it. What's today now? Dude, they did it last night, which is Monday. We're recording a week ahead. I don't know what the hell's going on here. He's already back in New York. Oh, wow. That was quick.

He went in and he was on with a band and like Marin was there. Kreischer was there. It's a whole crazy thing. What a night. I think Nikki Glaser's coming up this week. It's a big comedy bonanza. Yes. And if you're dabbling in Netflix, for God's sakes, if you haven't, please go check out

the stand-ups. I don't think anyone saw the fucking thing. Nah, it doesn't sound like it. No, it's a real bummer. I heard Kyle Kanane bitching about it as well on a pod. Yeah, I think that they, I don't know what's going on over there. I talked to a wolf and she, I don't know why I'm talking about this. You'd be like a queef.

Yeah. This is the stuff you get on a queef. Yes. Patreon it up, by the way. I mean, there are so many queefs. We'll walk around the village. We're checking out girls. We're saying wacky stuff.

Yeah. I mean, we did two. We keep it real on the queef. You know, these, you could get the New York Times coming up your asshole, but the queefs, we really let it fly. I'd like someone to come in my asshole, I think. Well, I'm right here. I don't want anything in there, but just a shot, a nice load.

Maybe if you could, we'll put toothpaste in the microwave for like seven seconds. All right. Then I'll bend over naked and then you just punch the toothpaste and let that goo blast in my ass. Just to see what it's like. Let me give a suggestion or a note, some Korea, Korea, what do you call it? Constructive criticism. Thank you.

Don't go toothpaste because that shit burns. It's going to burn the inside of your valley there. No, I'm not talking in. I want it on my ass cheek, kind of on the perimeter. I thought you wanted me to shoot that right in the poop hole. No, that's going to be in there forever. I'm going to have suds coming out of my ass till Christmas. Yeah.

Your asshole will be white as a daisy. It's a white strip, basically, for your asshole. I guess so. Yeah. If you get some crest. Yes. Balloon knot will be sparkling. But yeah.

Yeah. I could, you know, we could get some toothpaste on your cheeks. Yeah. A little butt cheek. Microwave it up and just. There you go. You know. How about a gogurt?

Yeah. I guess that would work too. What happened to gogurt? I feel like that came and went. It goes and comes and goes. There you go. That's what a dick does. Comes and goes.

Sure. It comes in at peace. Get the hell out of there. I'm looking at your new mirror. I got great lady legs. Like if a lady had this exact leg. You do have a good lady leg. Look at that.

It's long. It's kind of like a muscle, but nothing crazy. Yes. I have perfect lady legs. And they're pretty not hairy. No. I mean, I'd have to buzz them off. I mean, you'd be displeased if your woman's leg was that hairy, but.

That's for damn sure. Yeah. But I got a high heel around here if you want to try it on. I think, well, I got a 10 and a half. Hoof. She's a big bitch. Hoof. How about this on the train back?

There was a lady laying down. Feet kicked up and just the, I put on my Instagram story, the gnarliest fucking bunions and nails. Oh boy. Knuckles, the whole thing. It was wild. Like people had to like goat when you walked on the aisle. You had to shimmy around it like, whoa, hey, it was pointing at you. Oh geez.

Yeah. It was like a trip wire. This is like the negative part of the movement where it's like, let's be liberated. We're out there. Don't judge us. But now you're like, you got a nasty hoof out in the train. It was ugly. But you feel weirder saying, hey, hey, lady parts.

You want to hide that, that nub? You know, if it's a guy and go, hey, hey, dick face. What are you doing? We're trying to walk here. But if it's a lady, you feel weird being like, hey, your body parts are horrific. You want to take that Amtrak magazine and just put it over it. Yeah. It's like a lampshade.

Well, what's up with the lampshade? Everybody's like, he was so drunk last night, he put a lampshade. I've never seen the lampshade on the head. I think I've put the lampshade on my head at some point. All right. What's the deal with lampshades? If it's a lamp, why do you want shade? Oh, well, dude, jars around.

Yeah. I think I've done that. I used to put the tie on that. You remember my wedding, my uncle got everybody to put their tie on their head. Because that was like a thing I used to do when I was 11. I liked the tie on the head. Yeah. It was fun.

Yeah. It's almost like a bandana. Hey, folks. By the way, I want to do some plugs. I might fart in the mic. That's a class. Please. Oh, yeah.

It was a little snapper. A little snapping turtle. It smells odd. Hey, this weekend, if you're listening and you're near Alabama, I mean, I can't imagine we have a ton of gays near Alabama. No, they get out of there. But Huntsville. I'll be down in Huntsville, Alabama.

Oh, yeah. What's that club called? Stand Up Live. I heard it's great. Jeff Dye was just there. It's a biggie. I hear it's a big room. I heard it's good.

They're using my Facebook page to promote. They like maybe make them like an administrator type of thing. Oh, yeah. I don't know how that works. That's a good sign. But 6, 7 and 8, Huntsville, Alabama. Then the weekend after that, I'm in Buffalo, New York, Helium. Love that club.

I don't think I've been plugging that one enough. Buffalo. I recorded my album there. You've got to come up. Matt Wayne is there. He's a hometown guy. That might be in October, actually. Is that October or September?

Wayne's featuring. Yeah. Oh, nice. I think it's in September. Check the dates. I'll put it on my calendar, but I'm coming to Helium, Buffalo. I think it, I don't know if it's October or September. Now I'm going to pull my book out.

Pull my book out. Pull your dick out and your book out. You fill in until I get this thing. Check the condom off. I'm going to be, I got some fun dates coming up. Cincinnati Funny Bone, also known as the Liberty Funny Bone with my bowl pal, Chris Al. Dallas, Hyenas, what do you call it? Hyenas and Dallas Tejas.

Yes. That'll be fun. Get a lot of tweets about that one. So keep those jizzing right on my toes. And then I'll be in Zany, Chicago. I'm at Gotham Comedy Club in New York City. Stress Factory, New Jersey. Uncle Vinny's in New Jersey.

Oh, dick in my ass. What else we got? Chicago, Zany's, Wisconsin, Appleton, Wisconsin. Whatever that place is called. Laugh Boston the end of the year. Pittsburgh Improv. Oh, come on, dick cheese. You know these.

Damn it. I'm blanking. That might be it. Well, that's a bunch. That's a bunch. Check the website marknormandcomedy.com and don't fuck your relatives. I got the dates here. Official dates.

September 13, 14, 15, Buffalo, New York. Helium Comedy Club. One of the best clubs. Yes. I love that club. I haven't been there in two years since I recorded that album. So come on out September 13, 14, 15, please. Buffalo, Helium.

Come out. Make the ride. The weekend after that, September 19, 20. Oh, no, sorry. September 20, 21, 22. Hilarities in Cleveland. I'm with Jason Kanner at that one. Those are two big markets.

I want to really sell some tickets there for God's sake. Cleveland and Buffalo. Yes. And then Norway, October 11, 12, 13. DC Draft House, October 19th and 20th. Coming back and then just added Sacramento Punchline, the 25th, 26th and 27th, leading up to the live Tuesdays with stories in Hollywood at the Hollywood Improv. We're going to have a killer poster.

Bring a few extra bucks. Diego Pimentel or Pimentel. I've heard it pronounced both ways. Pimentel. He designed a killer poster. So bring an extra 10 or 20, probably 20 because it's a lot of color. Yeah. Those are hard on the printers.

They're going to be worth something someday, folks. We'll sign them. Bring a few extra bucks for that. It's going to be a killer poster. The thing is awesome. I love it. It's a good-looking poster. We tweaked it.

We twacked it. He nailed it on a cool-looking poster. I'm also in Seattle at Lafts and Winnipeg. That's the ones I wanted to get out. So yeah, see at the Improv. We'll see on the road. Merch Pump is still jizzing. Oh, yeah.

That's still Merch Pump. You can get your Tuesday shirts. Wear them to the show. We appreciate the support. We love seeing the people, people tweeting and e-mailing. It is so nice. If you think, oh, I don't want to be a nerd, there's no send-in. Right.

We love it. We appreciate Tuesdays with stories at G-Mails, our Twitter. We love it. Yes. I'm getting a lot of nice Jews coming up and doing the whole, hey, I'm a huge Tuesday, but I won't bother you because I know you guys are weirdos and I go, what a guy. Yes. We appreciate it.

I can't say enough about the Patreon. So much bonus. So much. Too much. It's like an old treasure chest. Over. Live apps, the whole thing, walking around the city. It gets a little spicy, a little realer.

It's really something. So we get three bucks a month, three bucks. You got that right. Can't beat it. You can give more if you want. Oh, God. And yeah, tell a friend, go gay, and eat your own asshole. We'll see you next year.

All right, bye. Bye.