Tuesdays with Stories! - #263 Bad Cover

Episode Date: September 18, 2018

Hot damn, it's a suspenseful Tuesday as Mark carpools with six hefty gals before visiting the worlds most expensive zoo while Joe races to put on pants before Greg Stone's album taping. Check it out! Sponsored by: RX Bars (Go to RXBAR.com/TUESDAYS and enter promo code: TUESDAYS for 25% off your first order) Subscribe to our Patreon where we're crankin' out bonus episodes every week! You can listen on any podcast app! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is it's supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me , good golly holy hell here we are Tuesdays with anal how the hell are you fatty

we're back I'm doing pretty good happy 911 to you oh yeah it's been years the towers I never forgot yeah meet two I like to get two fingers in there and just spread it like a butterfly's wing it's a vibrator it's a song by the smashing pumpkins it's a television commercial it's a television I used to like those pumpkins all the smashing pumpkins yeah oh for sure I mean we'll sign these dream one of my favorite albums of all time and then melancholy also just wonderful wasn't that a double CD that was a double melancholy and the infinite sadness and some great great tunes on there and then they got a little wacky once you bring a drum

machine I'm a real I'm a real purist wait a minute what you have a loop was that was that the Asian guy James E ha ha he was the guitar oh he was guitar drum machine is a machine that makes drum sounds oh well I thought that get Corgan he's a bit of a wee wee big cunt big wine that's the big that's the that's the 4-1-1 on him yeah big wiener and just annoying and he gets a little whiny yeah that that bugged me but that 1979 boy that song hits me right in the clip and we don't even care yeah that's a fun song well my favorite song on that one is called 33 I believe and it's a beautiful wonderful ballad I listened to it quite a bit all right and then that's Simon's dream albums also Gish Gish early early shit and

that was great I like Gash great love a good love a good Gash yeah I mean I wonder if there's any show we have not referenced sex no no chance gotta be zero right I mean it brought us here it brought us together we fucked the first time we met true the Chipotle was messy my parents raped each other anyways hey good to um good to be back it's a it's a crummy drizzly 9 11 I haven't seen you since 1986 yeah since the actual towers yeah they were they were there and so however you're celebrating today we wish the best for you hey is this joke been done I just thought of this twin towers it was an abortion what they were twins oh all right no I don't think I think that's a stretch yeah like a borscht you don't just associate borscht

with twins I guess not but it the twins is the only part that's baby it makes it baby but they're not really baby ish because they were like you know 30 years old tall they're big yeah they're filled with people all right unless you're a Catholic baby all right scratch it from the notebooks folks but I wouldn't do anything with that one yeah well after what's going on in the press these days I'm scared to type anything out yeah it's a scary wacky doodle time I mean it's really this is a real bad time in our society it's ugly here's the thing that happened anything that happens and we're recording this a week early so there's probably been 20 news stories that have blown up come and gone yep everybody

this is the main issue with our society not the main issue but one of the serious issues with our problems of society right now within a story breaking something happens yep everybody is a hundred percent sure of their feelings what should happen what shouldn't happen who's right and if you don't agree you're a piece of shit yeah that's a real problem you cannot disagree if you disagree you're the enemy but what about discussion maybe you're wrong about something maybe I have some information you don't I don't care you don't agree with me blow me you're out but they don't even take time to think what do I feel about this actually what is what's really going on here they're more layers they just they see a headline

and they go that guy's a piece of shit yep and anyone that likes him as a piece of shit or whatever it is or or the the chair umpire is racist and sexist and I don't I'm not gonna watch the match even though I've never seen a match right right it's all very and that's just a couple of examples whatever it is politics and election everyone just goes this is completely wrong this is completely right I'm right and I'm not listening to nothing well you I think you got to break it all down because I think the outrage for a lot of people is fun they don't realize that they think they're angry but they're actually riled up and it's exhilarating and they love it yeah it's fun to get after it it's fun to get after it and you go no actually

that didn't happen they go fuck you because now you're taking away their fun you're taking away the action figures and the and the guns and the flames you know they want the the the fucking what do you call that the wrath they want to punish the wrath of con yes they want the aftermath they want the blood they want to watch a guy just swallow his own ballsack I'd love to do that yes you want blood you got it had you ever hear the n-word in highway to hell the acdc do you know about this controversy no evidently it's been talked about a couple times on on stern I almost want to play it it's pretty crazy huh the lyric the second line of the song supposedly is season ticket but when you listen to it it's eager really I'm going to play it for you but

this isn't one of those Aladdin things where he's you know hey kids take your clothes off no all all young all good teenagers take off their clothes yeah this is one of those words like up for debate uh no no this one is up for that one's not up for debate that one's clear have you ever watched that he says all good teenagers take off their clothes I don't know we might as a play that one as well I can't pull that up listen listen to this I mean first of all great tune a lot of people probably already know what we're talking about some of you may not but listen just a great rock and roll tune in general hopefully we don't have to pay for the rights to this well we we do own the word and we do own the n-word um yeah get ready for this you have to

listen closely it's the second line of this first verse here it comes not this part here it is season wow is that a seasoned n-word it sounds like he says c's a n-word but supposedly the lyric is season ticket but it certainly don't sound like season ticket well he is australian well he's scottish originally oh he's a big old scotsman I'll give it a quick rewind the outback got to him here it comes one more time pretty wild season on a one-way ride supposedly season ticket on a one-way ride season ticket on a one-way ride I think I don't know but I definitely heard a season n-word yeah yeah it sounds a lot like or seasoned yeah it could have spices a little seasoning on him but yeah I had never

heard of this and it's pretty pretty wild pretty wild and they got the the what's the guns and roses song has an n-word well that one's just an n-word that's just a free float and n-word um but they got slash back there so it almost helps well I love that interview with slash he goes well my mother's black so I felt a little uncomfortable with it said very matter of fact those were the 80s but anyways it's like Howard Stern he's got robin there so he can say more things I feel like well I guess uh nowadays Brian Johnson who's the new oh he's not the new lead singer he's been there for 30 years but when he sings it he'll really enunciate season ticket which I thought was so fun I laughed out a lot of that like he's like season ticket yeah

why would you say that even even even if you did have the hate in your heart against the afro americane why would you throw that in a giant hit song yeah and it doesn't really make sense I mean what is because the whole thing is about like the rock and roll lifestyle I'm on a highway to hell my friends will be there you know maybe saying there's an n-word on the on the train maybe it's about henricks oh you know he bumped into him once interesting he's black not that I feel Henry you know well I'm saying I'm using the context of what this guy's saying well anyways yeah boy wow we really made some some headway there yeah I hope we don't get uh charged or sued I think they want to sweep this under the rug I don't think they'll want to go into it good point uh huh well

anyways I mean I got so much to talk about it's been a wild ride wild n-word ride I only have a few things looking back but I'm glad you have a lot I got a bunch but I don't want to oversell because then sometimes you run out and you know gays in the military you got that right they're fucking and getting married yes very exciting good times we're living in yeah by the watchies I don't want to get too much into the into the whole scandal everybody's upset thing but ah boy it's it's sad it saddens me well it's disheartening it's a bummer there's a lot of disheartening things I think it's a really bad time in our society is it Trump is it uh no Trump came this is all going on before Trump he's a uh we'll call it a symptom it's elevated quite a bit this is we're

on another plane here baby yeah I think that this stuff created Trump ah yeah which well I think a lot of the me too stuff is is somewhat of a Trump like grabbed by the pussy and now he's uh he's the head head honcho and yeah he's the uh I mean he's a piece of shit he's a bad bad human being I mean at this point I mean everyone I get shit and blah blah blah I don't care at this like at this point I mean watch some films about him some documentary read some books read some articles he is a bad person a bad human being yeah I think everybody's on board with well not everybody but but didn't a lot of white women vote for him yes shouldn't they be mad at each other I don't know we gotta go down a different angle because this is not this is not us this is not

what the pod is you know what the people come they want to hear what you have to follow and come I'm I'm aloof I'm gay I'm curious I don't know what's going on it's it's gotten so wild out there they're changing our program here we gotta get back to the program I want to come on your back and eat my mother out yes eat her out flaps my flaps bad guy 9-11 farts and farts for my uncle queef on my lunch all right so let me let me let me let me start this puppy off with a just a little travel story oh well I got I got one of my wildest oh well let me go first because mine's not that good no go first I'm gonna put the microphone in my ass please and then fart on it all right so uh had a great night in New York you know the whole thing Thursday uh two no

Thursday night I got a Friday Saturday Sunday and Omaha funny bone Omaha somewhere in middle America yes counting crows that was an n-word what he sang that sang the n-word no and he was an n-word oh adam dirth yeah sure I think he's a half maybe a half I think he's a half he's a he's a gur he's a mixie I don't I'm not comfortable with all this n-word we're not condoning an n-word but no n-word no n-word I think he's black or half black I think he might be half or something I think he might just have hair no he was a mixed cocktail I think he might just have chunky hair or whatever what do you call that when you have the chunks no uh dread dread I think you just had dreads I don't call in folks I'm pretty sure Adam was uh a half breed his name's adam dirth it doesn't

sound well that might be the mom side coming out but the adam too I guess it's adam black adam's adam pacman jones and adam adam and eve were they black adam and steve steve black yeah yeah steve white adam uh tell me when are they're at I'm looking up adam dirth yeah give it a google he uh does it say that in wiki does it go race I think it'll go race you gotta go to early life yes this is music career fucking uh honky there's no early life in this section ah it's been a personal life personal that's very personal he grappled with disassociation of mental health issue all right that sounds white yeah or june um all right you you start telling your story I'll try to get to the bottom of this keep googling uh so I got a Friday Saturday

sunday at Omaha so Thursday I'm doing an hour at the cellar fat black great night brandon air comes out we all have a great time I think canner showed up it was like a hot set I really I'm getting this hour together baby it's cooking and just had a great night had some drinks after Tuesdays came out got some chipotle cards want to say thanks Tuesdays Tuesdays uh and uh Friday had a great day my flight was at three three three p.m so are you just flying out for radio the next day no Friday show oh my god and you're leaving at three p.m get there at five it's a quick flight oh boy ah shit well maybe that's where I fucked up but I got up and I'm like all right I don't have to be the airport till two I don't have to leave till one so I'm doing

I'm doing my laundry I'm working out I did all this shit before my flight it felt great because I felt like I still had the day in the city yeah worked out ate chipotle packed got all my shit done get out to Newark had a great Newark experience I love Newark I stole a protein bar and uh I stole some jerky I'm waiting in line for the flight what do you call that group B for me nice group yeah and I uh I'm in line and they just go ladies and gentlemen you're like all right come on let's keep it moving they go flights cancel I've never heard that I've never been in the line and heard flights cancel oh my god text message got an email I've gotten an anal cravets or whatever you call it nothing Lenny Kravitz yes he's black half I think

Duritz I think I realized I think we looked us up before I feel like three years ago we might have done the Duritz I'm telling you he's gotta be half I'm reading I got nothing I feel like they'd mentioned that right off the bat ah he's mixed all right Shelby look it up and tweet it out yeah all right I don't carry the way I'm just saying you know Obama half as well I'm familiar aha all right so flights canceled so the lady goes uh so if you have any questions or what just go straight to customer service everybody's like oh geez and this one girl just darts to customers just runs out there and I'm like I just follow behind her and I just run now I'm running I'm dragging my away bag down the corridor going going I just follow her she gets in the customer

service I get in I'm right behind her and the customer service kind of packed the whole thing it's like six people behind computers doing the next next and you run up you run up you run up she goes up and there's a sassy sassy lady oh my god I hope I don't get her she's got the 12 inch nails the crazy hair she's smacking gum the whole thing big here it's hair yes so I go god I hope I don't get her I get her now I had a feeling yeah and guess what I go hey look I got a show tonight I gotta be there by eight you know my flight got canceled ball off she's like oh my god she was amazing I read the book cover wrong bad cover no come well you can't judge a book by its cover that's what they say although you can that's why the cover is there that's tough well I read

her wrong she got me on a flight it landed at 910 so I missed the first show oh my god but I made it for the second show but the Omaha funny one was pissed I'll bet but I don't know I see that's the thing if it all works out everybody goes hey good to have you right but if it doesn't work out they go you're a piece of shit I hate you and it's worked out 99% of the time well they must not hate you it's it's an act of god I kept getting those two those texts like okay let me know when you land geez I hope you don't miss the late show you're killing me I'm like what do you mean I'm killing you the flight was canceled yeah but all right we're at the best yes so here's the clinker she gets me on this flight I was lucky to get on she's like you're the last guy to get on I go

all right I appreciate it thank you so much love the nails she's like but you gotta run you gotta run the flight's taking off now so I ran over there it's Lansing Chicago connection then Omaha so I run the flight I get on I'm in 27d I'm like oh I got an aisle too this is working out pretty well I mean I missed the first show but you can't win them all praise Allah I get on there's like a hot older guy in my seat ooh like a sexy Robert Redford type really he's sexy himself exactly not a good actor but sexy so I go oh sorry man you're in my seat and he goes ah you sure you're here and I go well 27d I show him the ticket and he pulls out a big wada tickets hot guy you know he's all all over the place he's high he's gay hot guys are filled with tickets yes tickets he's a hot ticket thank you all

right that we're selling tickets was that what it was what's the lyric what season ticket oh season ticket yes that's might be the lyric this guy this guy was a cracker so he goes he pulls it he goes ow I'm 31b and I go well buddy old pal I'd hate if that was me and the the the stewardest guy comes up the you know the gay guy with the vest and he goes excuse me we need to take off what's happening and I was like oh this guy's in my seat and he goes I'm next to my son do you mind oh the sun and I go wow what are you talking about and he's like I just want to sit with my son do you mind I hate to do you mind of course I'm mine I hate anyone with a son son suck I don't even like the moon don't let the sun go down on me no well that might burn so I go oh my god so

where are you sitting and he goes 38b or whatever the hell it's the one against the wall middle seat no recline oh no recline middle no recline I mean it's literally the worst seat on the plane literally so I go oh my god and then I just go all right I'll take it oh you piece of garbage but what is that do you realize the logic here like let's say I just sat in my seat and then he showed up at the end like then he would have said hey can I sit next to my son I would have gone I'm sitting yeah it's though he had the power he was in the seat that goes a long way well it's frustrating I'm happy to switch if I have an equal or greater than seat well you know what I mean I want you to sit with your son fuck your son in the ass whatever it is but don't make me get a lesser

than seat and a lesser than seat with no appreciation so I'm I'm trudging back to the worst seat on the plane and I hear him tell the the stewardess guy the gay guy goes uh thanks man and the stewardess goes don't thank me thank him oh that's nice and I go yes thank me and the whole the whole plane went and turned around and that was my big like cunt moment yeah that's gotta have a cunt moment that's all I had and there was like this fat guy doing like an iPad with the DJ turntables he was like making beats with the headphones this fat nerd is making beats and he's never eaten a beat and I go hey hey I'm next to you and you can tell he was like oh I thought I had the middle seat open I'm fat I'm a DJ and then I had to sit next to this train wreck and it was a the longest flight of my

life and the guy kept looking back at me he was playing with his son and I wanted to kill him oh god these people with their sons you'd think he'd want to break from his son and vice versa he didn't he didn't even care about the son to be honest he wanted the aisle he wanted the aisle yeah I doubt that it's his son I want a paternity test I looked at him they had similar features all right yes how was your feature pretty good feature Chris Allen oh was it Allen yeah oh all right that delay made it sound like he blew and then when I heard it was Allen I so definitely so I had you know I land finally I land in Omaha after a connection in Chicago at Chicago airport's a real big mother which one oh hair oh hair that's a big one oh hair hair

mid gay is not bad but oh hair that's not a mid gay what does that buy all right so uh I landed in uh Omaha and Colleen is texting me she's the owner of the Omaha flight boat I love Colleen great lady runs the the club like a goddamn champ it's a beautifully run well oiled anal so I get there and I'm checking my text she's like I got my guy picking you up he's my best driver his name is Jamie he's a badass he he I had to call him last minute he's gonna fly you through Omaha because it's like a 30 minute drive so I land they made me check a bag so I got to wait for the bag there's no worse feeling you just counting the minutes you know you got to get off the plane you're in the back of the plane you got to wait till everybody gets off then you finally get the baggage claim

baggage claim takes another 20 minutes you're waiting for your bag you're like why isn't my bag ever first yes one point it would be first or in the top 10 yeah rule of law Murphy's ass whatever it is so I go ah the bag so Jamie shows up he's this cool black guy purple button down gold jewelry older guy shiny shoes and I go holy hell what are you going out he's like I was at a concert so I'm gonna fill you in I was at a concert I got my my hoochie wagon I got like eight girls in the car we were all hanging out drinking I got the call it was such good money I had to take it oh my god so I was like oh my lord he rinks the weed he smells like pussy a concert he was at a wrap show oh my god yeah these shows early these days what's that it's an early show isn't it I think it

started at eight oh all right it's like my original show I got you so the show starts at 10 so now it's like 940 and he's like I come out he's got a like suburban it's all decked out crazy lights and neon and shit on the back he's got the dice in the mirror and he's like you sit up front and I'm like okay jump in I look in the back there's like six gigantic black women like decked out sparkly dresses high heels hair up you know the whole thing wow jewelry nails and I go oh my god they're like you are you bitch you comic I'm like oh yeah you ain't funny motherfucker like the whole ride 30 minutes and uh and you can tell they're angry like we gotta pick this bitch up you know like he's not funny I thought you was gonna be Gallagher what the fuck you know so I get in

and uh they're just we're talking we're having a good time I'm trying to calm him down and he's he's so upset because he's trying to keep the ladies happy but he's got to do this right so he's like you guys want some food I'm like they'll give you food at the club it's on me I'm trying to be nice and they're like yeah what you got over there I'm like I got burgers chicken wings chicken fingers uh salads I'm saying chicken oh sorry what's the menu so uh so they're like ah maybe I'll take some fried pickles motherfucker and I was like all right great and uh so I throw JB a 20 we get to the place I run right in and uh I hug him he's a great guy and I go right on stage and uh had a weird set but that was it all right I made it I love it that's a great story that wasn't bad yeah I

wish I gotta start taking photographs photographs well if you could see the the Jamie you could see the ladies you could see the Hootie you gotta have more uh faith in in your storytelling abilities I see them all I can see them okay I got a name I got the colors I got the hoop earrings the whole business all right you don't need a photo season tickets I love it they were oh boy uh that yeah they were good eggs and it was it was a fun ride but it's just like it's the weirdest things you're at Newark like all right I'll get on a plane I'll land it oh my the opener's gonna pick me up and then it's like all of a sudden like I'm in Chicago I'm in a middle seat I'm getting yelled at by Robert Redford I'm meeting the Hootie wagon I got Jamie I smell like cool water and chicken

it's a whole thing yeah it's a lot I mean this life is very uh tricky comedy it's unpredictable it's unpredictable and also it starts to take its toll where I just got back yesterday from Nashville and Huntsville and I leave for Buffalo the day after tomorrow and you can't even unpack you're like I guess I'll just leave my club but they're dirty right it takes uh there's no there's no grounding you know have you noticed everybody says that now let's unpack this that's a new thing oh yeah that's up there with branding and uh the other thing they do that on like uh PTI or sports they're like we got a lot to unpack yes yes always unpacking which is no fun no one likes to unpack no it's the worst packing is fun because it's all up it's all hope I kind of hate packing too

though because you gotta go Monday Tuesday Wednesday underwear I think we do but I think most people pack as they're going to the fucking Bahamas we're going Omaha yeah and we're packing every week yes it's hard it's it starts to take a toll so that's why we're so grateful for all the fans that come out the gays and the gift cards and the nice words go pack Joe yes who's got a baby yeah it's a little mini pack go pack junior I was thinking that's gonna he's got a fanny pack that's gonna really take a toll on his lifestyle and this guy's going to like Africa three times a week he goes to Greenland and back I mean we have baby you can't just strap a baby on and go to Uganda I mean you could put it on the head I suppose so but they're not crystal as in practice that

that's true but anyways a big shout out to Phil and Chris we love you love you and get a cute little nugget you got there I try not to look at it I don't like a baby why I don't look at it you don't look at a baby no it's too much it's gonna fall over if you don't look at I'm not watching the baby all right I'm watching my way don't let him watch the child no baby sitting for him oh ho folks time for a nice ad read rx bar I love these guys whole food protein bars with simple real ingredients they tell you what they what you're gnawing on right there on the package I have not done a few packages myself rx bars come in 11 delicious flavor varieties as of May 14th folks there's three new hot flavors mango pineapple peanut butter and berries and

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here's the jizz of it all for 25 percent off your first order visit rx bar dot com slash Tuesdays and enter promo code Tuesdays at checkout for a limited time every order we'll receive free samples free samples and that ends on June 30th so you got about a month to get cooking on that do it Tuesdays promo code at checkout for 25 off get some bars get some muscles and get some friends you're very lonely we'll see you in hell thank you um but anyways boy I got a lot to get to a lot to unpack here unpack uh well first of all nine months ago greg stone recorded his album at the creek in the cave that's a big moment and I opened it was quite a moment I missed all the drama though because I was leaving the next day for bought uh I gotta I'm gonna give this travel story you're

gonna jerk off and throw it my face when you hear this thing too late my god oh can't open my eye uh so baby greg stone our good buddy uh one of our best pals one of my favorite guys in the whole wide world been on the show a few times a lot of queues with him he guest hosted an episode he's lunch back in 1997 oh those were years ago those are different that was on vinyl yeah so uh he's doing his album he asked me to open I say sure and this guy he's stressed out he's a stress ball and an album is a big deal because it's forever now how's this crowd attendance well it's the creek the creek is tough to really pack them out because it's a small room yeah and so it's uh it's not like a big I'd like a firstly an album I think you want a couple

hundred people there that's what I think personally maybe 300 to 200 because here's the thing when you get 200 300 people if a quarter of them laugh you got still got a nice boost the problem and that's for like the subtleties sure the big laughs ever you got a nice big laugh but when there's only 60 people in the room 50 people you get a quarter of those people you get nine people laughing right so it's tough yeah the creek so what do you think they seat in there tops 50 yeah maybe if you pack them I don't know because it's like four seats on each side so it's like 816 2432 and then maybe 20 people in the back yeah maybe 50 60 and that's if you're killing it but uh it was a fun hang so we're in the back and it's hard because for Greg he's anxious it's his it's his special it's his

album for me I'm doing 10 minutes at the creek you got a easy peasy I'm on this this is an easy gig here no stakes so not much going on so I go to the US Open during the afternoon my second sesh day session Sarah meets me out there and they got a brand new stay Louis Armstrong stadium was always there but now it's the new Louis Armstrong and they really knocked this thing out of the park beautiful facility high-end great food everything's clean and there's nothing better than something new yeah it's sparkling like a new sparkly stadium right out of the box started raining I was there for the first official roof closing of Louis Armstrong history how about that fun fact and I got to see the the new hot kids I can never say his name the Canadian hot Canadian blonde air flowing

chapel beaver chap a pull of love real what a pull of palaphalo is he Russian chap a whole of all maybe he's Russian Canadian I don't really know chap aquatic chap stick no it's chap c-h-a-p o-l-a-o p-v-o-v or something oh wow chap a lova chap a chap a lot of over that's a lot of consonants for those words I just I can't say it I can never say it I don't blame you what does the host or the announcer say it oh he's nailing it yeah okay chap a lot of love we got called shappy chap olofagus yeah chap I always call him shabby I was like oh shabby oh there you go well he was playing Kevin Anderson big South African Sarah wanted to root for the South African because she's South African but I got Canada is North America we're Americans goddamn but we're

rooting for the American good point well so is Mexico yeah but there wasn't a Mexican out there I'm just saying you don't hear a lot of people going hey Mexico that's part of America that's who I root for in the World Cup uh-huh because we weren't in because we stank in Canada they don't know what the soccer ball is now they've got that yep that they're skaters yes they like the hawk so I'm watching old shabby poo great match him and Anderson going at it Sarah had to leave and you're like all right she's out but then part of you is like when the wife leaves I can more focus sure you know I'm worried that she's not enjoying it and I'm like I'm trying to tell her the score the whole thing does she care for the uh the stand up ping pong she enjoys it she enjoys being out

at an event and watching and there's the drama it's fun it's exciting but not not like I do you know I'm going nuts so she had to leave then of course as soon as she leaves it like picks up I'm texting her I'm like it's going to a fifth set this is insane and there's all these Canadians there so we're rooting for old shabby poo shabby and we're going crazy okay we're singing it's crazy great match but now you know this tennis goes these five set matches they go to a tie break then it keeps going and going and going so it's like a five hour match I'm wearing shorts I got my shorts on it's 90 degrees so all of a sudden it starts to get close to time yeah so I text stone I forget it's his album he's an anxious guy I'm like hey buddy you mind if I show up in shorts

and he's like hey listen you gotta stop texting me I'm really nervous this sucks I was like oh god now I feel reprimanded right now I have that feeling of like I can't fuck with him it's his big night but I'm like I just want to watch the fucking tennis and then you have that argument in your head with like another person but it's really you I'm like what difference does it make if I'm wearing shorts who cares if I'm late but he's like this is my big special what are you doing you son of a bitch sure so I'm having all that dialogue so then like the match keeps going and going and the creek is right off the same train line then Sarah texts me she's like the trains running like shit you better fucking you better be careful you better watch out you better not

shout and eight o'clock show eight o'clock show and now it's like seven ten in the match so I gotta sneak down now I'm watching the match like peering over the heads on foot trying to see the last point and then when I sprint out so I've invested four hours into this goddamn thing I'm sweating I'm jerking off I'm fighting with my asshole yes finally the last point serves it goes oh game set Matt I just shoot right out of there I'm running on the stairs like fucking Tommy Lee Jones in the fugitive I didn't kill my wife I run out I'm running on those big wooden planks they really feel like an action movie yes that wooden boardwalk out to the USO it's a great thing never seen any of this you gotta fly you gotta come out oh you don't have to fly you

can take the train I will folks fly out to the US Open next year it's such a great great event it's my favorite sporting event to attend like what is it eight weeks long feels like you've been there for three days two weeks two weeks two weeks long and it was crazy dipped 40 degrees it was 100 degrees during one match the next week it's 60 degrees crazy clever change so anyways I get to the seven train right as I run up there there's no better feeling than leaving a sporting event of media I never leave one early but I rush out yeah I beat every so there's one train that there's like nobody on the next change going to be filled with spectators track out yeah but this one was uh you know I couldn't think of another World War two reference where there would be no one on

the train yeah maybe the train ride back was empty from the yes this is like this is like going back to Auschwitz thank you all right so I'm heading to Auschwitz also known as the creek in the cave I get there with plenty of time to spare now I have a weird New York moment where I'm in shorts and a t-shirt and I'm sweating so I get to Queensborough Plaza now Queensborough Plaza it's two more stops on the seven to get the creek in the cave or I can transfer trains take it two stops to my house put on some pantomones oh pantomonium so I look at the clock it's 741 I'd like to be there in about nine minutes but I'm like let me run upstairs even get the train it's a train's not here I'll run back down get back on the seven to show in shorts great band by the way which one

some 41 oh god not really but it worked with the joke so I run upstairs the train is arriving now I got a chance so I'm gonna uber back so I take the train to my house I jog to my house I throw on pants my wife is there her sister and brother are visiting that's why she had to leave the match early now you got a chit chat so they're all eat but they're not big chit chatter so perfect they're South America they're eating uh South Africa thank you even worse they're eating they're eating some noodles or whatever I go hey guys I just gotta take a quick shit and put on pants they don't look like what they don't even look up there's no greeting there's no hug perfect I run in I take a big long dump and then it's one of these ones they got greeting problems I only have

so much time but I got I'm too much hydration I'm eating chicken wings and Coca-Cola my shit is like a mudflap of just someone else said I can't remember who's I think was on Family Guy it's like you have a brown magic marker on your ass I'm wiping it with each wipe there's like a quarter of an inch of shit and seeds you gotta you gotta plug it at that point I got all kinds of seeds I'm splashing water on my butt yeah I'm using Saras like bad weed I'm like using Saras fucking towel tie you know that little towel they wrap around their head yes a twisty towel I've never seen is that a thing yeah it's designed it's a twist to anyways I jammed that in my asshole put on a maxi pad and a pair of glasses sure put my pants on I gotta go I'll see you guys

later so I don't pack needs to hold the baby so I leave I gotta live I gotta get a lift now because it took me too long to wipe my asshole you gotta lift after your ass so I jump into the lift he takes the long way home I get to the creek and now I gotta act like I've been in the whole time what is it 848 no no it's about 802 803 all right all right let's they always start late now the nice thing about the creek is there's a room upstairs there's a back room there's downstairs so what I do I snuck right through the room went to the back stay I had my thing all so I was like oh I got here 20 minutes ago I've been fighting around talking to whoever yeah I spotted a couple people that I know that I didn't see stone talking to

so I could say I was chatting with yeah in there I had a couple excuses I'm proud of you look at you so then I get in the green room they're not even there so I just sit in the green room and I kind of lean back and put my feet up like I've been here while yeah then Greg and Anthony arrive it looks like I've been there I got my guy there at 740 look at that I love it and you couldn't text them because you don't want to bother I got my pants on didn't want to bother you I smell like shit of course but share the marker they get there like when'd you guys get here I've been up here since the 1961 I love it show goes grab not for me I didn't do great to be honest oh really sometimes these album recordings you know they're waiting for the main they want the main guy and

their family so they're like who is this douche and then they all know Anthony's they're waiting for me but Anthony's killer I had okay set stone killed he ripped he really rose to the occasion ripped it stony make sure you get this album when it comes out it's gonna be called fat spider man I believe well I like it I'm gonna fart hit it whoa speaking of Louis Armstrong that was great that was a real season ticket that was a horner my god that smelled wacky I'm trying to eat a little healthier I had a couple salads and a smoothie and I don't know I heard a seed hit a denim so anyways I do the gig then we have a second show we had good hang but two show album you got to get a couple shows in there something to edit that's two audiences

he's got to fill right exactly which is tricky but a lot of comics came out to support so then I tell them like listen I feel bad it's your big night but I got a boogie I had a 240 a.m. train leaving for Boston because I decided to take my nephew and my sister and my and whoever else my dad to the Boston College football game they had a 240 a.m. they got 240 a.m. to Boston it goes from DC I think it leaves DC if you ever work late night DC I mean weekend DC I think it leaves at like 11 or 10 40 or something that shoots up to New York if they're at 10 40 to 40 wow this is gonna now now buckle up and hold on to something because this story is gonna make you really upset I got my tanked in my hand so I got a 240 a.m. train I say goodbye to Anthony and Greg I'm like I'm

sorry I got to leave during your set because I got to go see my wife for a couple hours I'm not going to see her for five days I only saw her for two days the whole thing so I leave the creek sneak out the back took the train back home get home now it's like 11 p.m. so we decided to watch some TV and a movie I got a 240 a.m. train so I'm like I'll leave around 130 just to give myself time perfect then we start chatting we get intimate we start making love and sometimes you make love it takes a while because you get weird you get wacky you want to try something new you lose track of jizz and I mean while my ass is covered in shit still it looks like a litmus not a litmus what was the tip warshack warshack I got a warshack on each butt cheek what was the the image did you

look at it was it your mom I had her look at it she said look like groucho marks oh that's cool that was exciting funny shit I'm good stuff yeah so then it's too late so I gotta take a lift that'll save me time or lifting so I take a lift now to Penn Station only takes about 15 minutes of that hour sure so I get there in no time I get there at 2 10 a.m. trains at 240 and now I'm gonna be tired the next day because as soon as I get home we're going to the Boston College football game we're gonna do some tailgating and whatnot what do you arrive at about 7 a around there yeah two that's like a five hour train because a lot of stops and for whatever reason they stop at New Haven for like a half hour huh I've taken this train before it sucks so it's longer than a normal train

it's like a five hour so it's 240 to 750 I think was what it was that's the longest you want to be in New Haven it's a long train so it gets there at 750 so I get to the Penn Station at 2 10 a.m. on a Friday night so it's a little rowdy little while you get these Long Island people and a lot of just garbage then there's unfortunate you know homeless people and such addicts the whole situation it's a bananas over there it's a seedy place so I walk up to the big board as you are all familiar everyone's that's traveled from Penn Station you got that board well they don't have that anymore oh now it's electronic I love the ticker they lost we lost the ticker damn it ticker please love the ticker season ticker uh-huh um so again pros maybe that's the lyric is season ticker

ticker right because it's definitely a gr in there is a gr they're angry gr it's a little tricky anyways I get up there I look at the board it says delayed oh I hate a delay so immediately unbombed it's 2 10 a.m. my train's not for a half hour I'm already there early half hour train I'm already leaving it close to 3 a.m. it says delayed but not specific just says delayed yes which right away I've been around this earth a few times I go this is gonna be bad this is real bad but maybe it's a 10 minute delay 15 minute delay who knows so I don't even sit down I just I'll just stand here I'm looking at my phone I'm reading articles and I'm just staring at the board and I'm tired now I've been up all day of course it's late I mean even for night owls 220 230

that's late at night and you've had some sun on your asshole you've had some shit on your asshole you've had some shows you've done some things long day stressful day I mean I don't want to say stressful I was watching tennis but I get stressed for these chapel over matches chipotle so I'm sitting there now it's getting closer to 240 it's 235 240 250 still just says delayed nothing specific give me some info people info wars and this whole time you got guys walking by and garbage bags and a woman going what you looking at motherfucking this crazy stuff and there's people popping out from behind racks and there's a cop walks through every once in a while then there was two homeless people fighting each other she's like he's trying to fuck me and the

guy's like I ain't said shit she's like he tried to rape me he tried to rape me I mean they're like unfortunate souls sure addicts and and I don't know me too movement got down to the hobos now it's a it's a bad scene you feel for these people they're also screaming you're like they're right right they're poor souls and I feel for them and they need help but at the same time they are like don't try to rape me motherfucking and this is they're dropping the the season ticket word quite a bit sure and and this is grand central uh no what's the Penn station oh it's Penn station Penn station which is worse than way worse because at least has some beauty in it exactly big and the giant ceiling and the the constellation there well that's the thing with

a flight delay as much as it sucks an airport costs four hundred dollars to get in there and there's security security this is Penn station I mean this is the dregs of society down here general pop yeah so I'm sitting there and now it's three o'clock three ten three fifty now it's three thirty a.m. still just says delayed yeah so I call Amtrak I'm like this is fucking absurd good for you I call Amtrak on the phone I get through to a lady named Jennifer who was pleasant enough but it's like I was talking about a couple weeks ago there's no accountability I'm furious I'm fuming I mean I want to go home I want to go to bed yes I go hey can you tell me what's going on with train 66 I tweeted at Amtrak I go train 66 just says delayed I've been sitting here

for an hour and a half and she goes oh let me let me see I'll look it up I go yeah it just says delayed we've been sitting here and she goes I'm nervous oh she goes well there's flooding in Baltimore huh she goes so that train was stuck it's moving now the new scheduled time is five twenty five a.m. five twenty five yeah I go what I go are you fucking kidding are you fucking kidding me and she's like sir sir please and I was like this is fucking crazy I was like you have to let people know this yes we've all been sitting here for an hour I would have gone home and gone to bed I could have gone to sleep other members of your train no congregating but only a few people because it's so late at night right there's not that many people there so then while I'm talking to her it comes

up on the board it says now scheduled for four thirty eight oh you gained an hour I go hey it's saying four thirty here you're telling me five twenty five which one is it yes well they should have more accurate information of course and I'm going well this is insane I was like why wouldn't it say why weren't you updating us because you just want to sitting here I'm like I would have gone home yeah so finally I hang up with her I go it's not your fault I know but like you can see why I would be infuriated she's like yes it's very frustrating I'm like this is obnoxious I was like you work for this company this is no way to treat people yeah we just want some acknowledgement and here's the thing it's an act of God it's a flood but just let us know so I'm not I've been

staying at this board I could have gone home yeah we're in the dark here so now it's four thirty and now you have that weird thing where you just want to do something about this yes you realize you can I'm like maybe I'll go home maybe I'll rebook but I'm like the game the next day is at 1 p.m. we're supposed to be leaving at 10 a.m. I'm like I gotta get there right and a car and it was Labor Day weekend to rent a car was like 400 bucks forget about it and so I'm just sitting now you're just gonna take it it's yeah right up the tailpipe sucks about these these times and these corporations you gotta take it right up the fucking dirty asshole mm-hmm and so I go all right I gotta bite the ball I gotta sit here another hour so I got there at 2 10 the train finally arrives at

4 30 so two hours and 20 minutes of just sitting on the floor at Penn Station staring at this goddamn board yeah you could have been balling the tolamash and furiating brutal so finally I get up there and then luckily they made up some time and then the the train is five hours long of that hour because they sent it New Haven for whatever reason hate the new hay but they didn't have to sit in New Haven because it was so late so they were back on so wasn't that it didn't end up being that late but old Haven I was doing I think we were trying to sleep and you keep head nodding like you had the seat next to me was open which felt good but then you're still trying to sit and wrangle it's just a horrible sleep but I finally got home and then when I got home my

sister and my nephew and my dad they were waiting for me we went to the Boston College football game my my nephew is so excited have you snoozed I snoozed that's all I can do is snoozing the train so no real snoozing so we get an hour and a half maybe maybe an hour and a half on the train right to the game and they keep stopping so it's going well welcome to New Haven Bridgeport fuck your dick it can't get any REM it was brutal no REM so I finally get up there then I meet there but then this is what I've learned with one night you can just plow through and it's a fun thing I hear you but a hot day uh hot afternoon I'm wearing pants are you getting all wonky you know you're out in the sun you're on no sleep you're gay it's all culminating oh I'm whoopey

I'm wonky it's a whole thing and it's uh it's Boston College versus UMass who's like a basically division two team so BC lit them up but it was fun to take my nephew there and we got on the little shuttle we drove in we parked we had some laughs none of us had any bc gear so we went to like the store we all bought a bunch of cheapo depot shirts and now we got the brand new shirts with the tags on them I prefer ad took some photos that was fun then we go to the game great game I mean it's hot as fuck my nephew high five with the players which was exciting and uh that was fun he gets you know it's good to see a game through the eyes like a 10 year old he's just discovering the game and sports and so that's funny met some players high five they got this kid named AJ Dylan who's like a big

star all right so that was exciting we watched the game BC kills them and then like in my mind I'm like it's it's so hot oh another fart you want one yeah please wow that was a cutie that was oh it doesn't smell cute oh yeah I'll be the judge of that that's bad news bears sounds like my underwear at the US Open I don't know I know you don't like the guac but tell your pants um but anyways great game and then I'm like hey if you guys want to beat it's like 55 nothing half time like you want to beat it and my nephew's like what are you crazy yeah we'll get the game so I was like all right so we watched the whole game good game fun times fun weekend and uh I mean I got more but I'll have to get to it another time because I'm I got dicks in my butt

well I don't have my I'll just say Omaha's it's a cute city there's not much going on we went to the zoo me Sean O'Brien the lady and Chris Allen went to the Omaha Zoo which is they say the second best zoo in the country really after San Diego really yeah Bronx and St. Louis those are big ones before I went last year I wanted to kill myself I almost threw myself in the lion cage I was dying out there really oh Bronx it's so dated and all the old technology sucks and the lion hates it it's brutal well St. Louis is something Sarah and I went I got a saw a polar bear yeah drink a coke yeah so yeah we go to these zoo and it's like I do the cool headlining thing I go ah let me uh spring now you sprung big mistake those zoos are not the night there's an aquarium in there there's a

planetarium there's uh an aquarius and a vegetarian it was it's like so much in there there's a water park so uh boy you get creamed on the uh what do you call it admission thank you but we're in a bad zoo place because if you're 10 you get a discount if you're 80 you get a discount if you're in the military you get a discount if you're in college you get a discount if you're gay you get a discount we're right in there the meat of no discounts the gooey middle yeah well here's the clinker Chris Allen Air Force he got a discount Air Force guy oh and he go he's a season ticket so he goes uh hi I was in the military and the lady goes oh if you're in the military you can get a discount for all four oh really and I go oh my god so I go put your card in there you fucking private eye

or whatever you call it private and hi he puts it in and she goes I gave it all a discount I go thanks I look at a dollar off each oh it's the military yeah they get no love these army folks hey freedom isn't free bitch let's yeah come on where's uncle Sam I can vote so uh we got a dollar off that didn't help much four dollars total so we go in there we have a great time it's 8000 degrees we saw some Mennonites Mennonites yeah they're like Amish but not they had a cool stroller I don't get it one of them had a blackberry I like men and tights aha great film yes they're like person of knights keep it equal so uh we go in we see some dumb stuff some good stuff we saw the gorillas were cool the lion was all right uh none of these you know somebody had a great analogy and I I can't

remember who it was it was some athlete but he said whenever he meets kids they always wanted to be like an athlete like throw a ball and tackle me but he's like I'm just a guy it's the same with comedians you know when you go see a lion he's just laying there sucking his own dick and eating a twig and you go what I thought the lion would be climbing the walls and eating a guy and beating up a polar bear no he's sad he's he's in captivity it's like comedians you know they always go you're not that funny in real life no I'm sad I'm in captivity I'm in an uber yeah get off my ass I'm captivated but it's so true I watched the lion I go hi he's being kind of boring but this is what he is this is who he is yeah they're not killing a monkey every 10 seconds no uh yeah zoo is for

you then you go to the reptile I hate any any exhibit where the uh they're not furry to me as a bummer oh really well you got I hate the snake the snakes just sitting there no snakes are creepy all the insects suck the fish suck I like a penguin is that fur I think they're fuzzy I don't know it's pubic hair I don't know feathers I don't know maybe it's a feather it's like a furry feather I think it's like uh that new astroturf uh yeah it's like pool felt yes so penguins are it's gonna have some fur if I'm gonna blow it so uh yeah I haven't shaved in some time oh well start growing so yeah we have we do a good four hour zoo sesh and we really get our steps in because you don't go on the row you don't get any walking done no so then we uh we go back home and uh yeah we just got drunk and some

shows were good some were rough a lot of papering never hit a bonus and uh flew back home yeah these tough tough times tough times summer is tough sell the tickets and I don't know what's going on anymore I mean I'm in uh Cleveland this week if you're if you're listening and you're in the Cleveland area for god's sake room big room but come out at now at this point I'm not looking to even hit bonuses I just want to see friendly faces and voices out there yeah people that care and it makes the show better to have some fans and it really does mean a lot when you say hello and yes we really appreciate so buy buy a ticket in advance because it helps us get booked back they go at least they sold some tickets yeah yeah yeah let it let a two's gaze in Cleveland but again there's

not there's eight of them there's not 450 yeah so so spread the word tell some friends say hey check out this pot but make sure they're not too sensitive we got a little wacky up here but so tell some people say hey if you want to brighten your week listen to some of the these two guys be goofballs yes because comedy it feels like a lot of this edgy irreverent here but we're trying to hold on to it I know it's a dying art dying uh dying fart yeah something died in you so tell some people about it and tell some people to come out for god's sakes yeah bring a friend and all the people bring friends they go hey I brought my uncle Charlie and my dead aunt and all that so we appreciate it and god love you what a gal gave me this beautiful card with the Chewbacca on it was

amazing I'm blanking on her anal but uh she was great I got a lot of cards I just did Tampa this week I'm gonna talk about that on the next step yeah next episode is gonna be something how about this Sarah and I we flew uh we had a layover in DC we flew to I'll tease Huntsville because I had some Huntsville I got some Nashville a lot of stuff I got a couple Pearl Jam shows too I gotta get into I got a lot to get into yeah but that Amtrak story took some time because I really that's a hunker though yeah really fucked my ass that was lunch so Sarah and I we flew to Huntsville Alabama which I had heard was a great city and I heard wrong oh I've heard that Alabama's tough well at Huntsville it's a nice city it's just it was it was tough sledding but anyways we had a

layover in DC so we fly from New York to DC then it's one of these layovers where your your flight is on the other side of the airports we had to take a little shuttle bus we take the shuttle bus and like we could have walked this was silly yeah we get off we walk upstairs who's sitting there take a guess who's sitting there oh well give me a is a celebrity is it a fellow comade is it celebrity famous person old all right Kirk Douglas no he's of the african-american persuasion city Poitiers no close wow civil rights guy dick Gregory died no not dick Gregory I'll tell you this guy here comes a big clue this guy was standing next to a guy got shot in the face yeah Jesse Jackson I can't believe it and I just want to go

you want to go up to him and say what was that like yeah you were standing there he got shot 68 that's crazy holy hell early morning April 4 I mean Jesse Jack Jaime town it's hard to not want to talk about anything except like what was that like you're sitting there one second he's gone but I feel like he would he would be cool with that he seems like a go with the flow kind of guy I don't know maybe I mean but he's probably tired of it and yeah there's some white nerd coming up and be like tell me what when your buddy was shot yeah I guess so it's a good point maybe he thought you were into it you know like that was crazy huh how cool was that it was quite a sight we came right up the stairs and he was sitting there he looked like a like a Buddha

he was just sitting there like half eyes half up with a little half smile wow that's Jesse Jackson how exciting is he back in the man March what's going on he's in DC and he's you know probably flying from DC to somewhere oh all right all right I didn't know there was a big rally in town oh baby there's always rallies happening we gotta we gotta resist and revolt yes like each other's dicks rally good burger uh so anybody's uh want to plug this Cleveland date for god's sakes please for god's sakes buy your tickets in advance come on out I got canner on the show he's something he's a he's a hometown boy Ohio so come on out to that join the patreon we can't say it enough folks now on the patreon you are missing out just put a bonus up last week we'll put some

queefs up soon and a lot of stuff cooking yeah I'm gonna get one with Matt Wayne this weekend so it'll be out in a couple days love the waney so uh Hilarity's in Cleveland check that out I'm coming back to Washington DC October 19th and 20th the draft house I love that room wait DC DC draft that's a great room little black box theater come down I love that city I mean I just love Washington DC that's where I saw Jesse Jackson as I just mentioned yeah JJ the weekend after that October 25th 26 27 Sacramento punchline there's gotta be some uh central northern California Tuesdays out here haven't been in that room since you and I did it with DeRosa way back in the day that's a great room that's right before I went to Peru that's right September 2010 see you come on to

that and then that leads right into October 30th we've already sold some tickets Hollywood improv live Tuesdays with stories Bert Kreischer Nick Vatter on Henry Phillips yeah that is gonna be a special night bring your poster money you're gonna love it it's gonna be fucking killer and then November this is a ways away but I will be at the funny bone in St. Louis another one of my favorite clubs they were headlining me before everybody oh I think I'm there for anybody you know of course November 15 60 and 17 I will be there Dr. Grins again at the end of November and then December is gonna be crazy I got Portland Raleigh Philly it's gonna be uh those are good clubs wild month yeah so please come on out buy tickets so we can keep working these places yes and we love you we

want to hug and we'll get a gay photo with you yeah we're desperate and the Chipotle gift cards are so touching and they really do help I've been lending out some money to family members and wives and yeah it all goes to good places totally yeah I got a bunch of weddings this year and that should add up the flights and then you got to get the suit then you got to get the gift and then you got to get the anal all right I'm at Gotham comedy club hometown that's not true I'm from New Orleans but I live here now and I have a home here yeah I own a hometown homeowner so uh come to this yeah I've never done Gotham it's a big honor it's a milestone the headline a big room in New York so love that room love that room love that club love this city and I love you by the tickets sorry what so I said

buy the tickets yes stress factory season ticket stress factory after that new Brunswick New Jersey then I'm at Uncle Vinnie's which I hear good things about I hear it's like a real back road house kind of place god I used to open for DiPallo there is that right back in the day what do you think it's good it's like a restaurant you got to bust their balls a little bit oh it's that your fat wife you're fucking where what are you in the mob this guy's a mob guy oh boy I'm gonna get shot now sure about it that kind of stuff all right I can I can call lady fat yeah uh then I'm in a funny bone in uh what do you call that Cincinnati or Cincinnati over the Rhine with Chris Allen and uh then uh we got rumors in Winnipeg that's a that's a bleak long week I love that you're gonna be playing a lot

of Monopoly with the boys yes uh I don't mind Monopoly I'll go directly to jail thank you uh then I'm at Lafts in Seattle which I love Seattle love that city I like the club Zanies in Chicago Appleton Wisconsin Pittsburgh improv Laft Boston and uh they have course the Hollywood improv on October 30th live show don't forget that hit the patreon merch pump is still cooking don't forget the merch pump get a t-shirt get a t-shirt bring it to the live show get the poster as he said and uh we got a shout out to laughable we love you and Chipotle you know we're on the we're nipping at your heels you can feel us just because we say uh season tickets too many times doesn't mean we're bad people and uh yeah be nice to each other watch San Maril special it's probably out this week oh yeah

it came out oh no it's out Friday yeah it just came out it just came out and Vicky Owens' album and Christ are special and yeah the whole thing check it all out I'm gay we'll see you in hell praise Allah god love you