Tuesdays with Stories! - #268 Quiet Turd

Episode Date: October 16, 2018

Hot tamale, it's a trippy Tuesdays folks, as Joe hates Robert Redford and tours the Southwest with Sal Vulcano while Mark does a hot weekend at Gotham Comedy Club before taking shrooms at The National concert with the gal. Check it out! Sponsored by: Mack Weldon (go to mackweldon.com and use code: TUESDAYS) Mark & Joe are doing a LIVE Tuesdays With Stories! at the Hollywood Improv on Tuesday, October 30th at 8:00! Get tickets here! https://hollywood.improv.com/comedian/tw-eventinfo/TUESDAYS+WITH+STORIES%3A+LIVE+PODCAST+with+JOE+LIST+AND+MARK+NORMAND/8600915/ Subscribe to our Patreon where we're crankin' out bonus episodes every week! You can listen on any podcast app! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy holy hell here we are we're cooking we're queer and we're gay and Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve whatever that means and we're in the the apartment I know

we all hate the apartment but we're here yeah we're here and I change seats yes Joe's mixing and matching I'm in a different sea I don't care for the seat there's no armrests oh low on the back I got here bitch to find what do you mean well I needed a chair to fit in that tiny desk there's a lot of arms out there on on swivel office chairs I had a really good specific yeah you can't get an arm if it goes under the desk the arm is yeah I like an under yeah but the no arms is tough and also there's no thing between us no thing I guess that's how they came up with the term nothing they just no thing they just mushed it together and

said nothing I never thought of that there is no thing between us so it feels a little weird because recently in recent episodes years months we've been sitting next to each other facing the same direction so I gotta kind of tilt my neck so now I'm just sitting here but it feels weird to not have anything it feels like I'm at the dentist I'm not the dentist who's the guy therapist therapy what about a therapy dentist there's a lot between us I'll tell you that mean my therapist ah yeah I went there yesterday how's that going cuz I haven't been months I'm feeling pretty alright oh well it's going good but I gotta I here's the

I gotta really get in there with that the parents I gotta like confront and get in there because it's here's the thing I got rid of my anxiety anxiety not that I got rid of it but I've curbed it with like I'm not so neurotic I don't have people looking at my teeth I'm not going do you have rib cancer if you've had rib you guys have rib pain where I'd just be asking strangers on the street if they have asshole pain we're all grateful for the less asshole pain question all right that hurts I knew it was out there they were pain in our asshole so I've gotten that curve not having panic attacks from falling the

floor shaking and throwing up and shit yeah but I realize I've come to the real life today's mental health day as we're recording yeah and so day for everything so sure do I thought it was Monday a day and a gay for everyone oh go where's mine so right here baby so anyways I've realized I've curbed all the neurosis and the anxiety curbed it's still there of course good show but it was covering up for sadness now I'm feeling the actual feelings that was replaced I didn't want to feel the sadness the pressure so I was going hey look at this it's a way to get attention does anyone have this look at my head

dad look at my eye does my eyeball look weird is it shaking you get I think my ears are ringing are your ears ringing all that stuff that's just covering the feeling I don't want to feel the feeling of just sadness I'm a sad sad man so I gotta now I have to go and call my parents and be like it made me sad wow I think I have the same thing as you but I covered it differently I didn't go with the ears ringing of the ball pain I went with you know I don't love me and pay attention to me and let me win you over and please don't hate me all the same stuff same same same action so now I'm just feeling down walking around feeling

sad and the other day I had a full breakdown with my wife she was like you feel sad because I didn't really get in there and let it all come out and I was like crying like a little bitch wait you cried oh I cried good for you I'm not a crier you know so I really let it fly I'm not crying a movie or if I sit on my balls or whatever but really let it have I mean I really fucking diarrhea cry it's coming out all the eye holes and I was like yes I sobbed that's so be wow so I feel pretty good about that but now you know you got a call and it's hard to get into those convo's with your parents oh I can't I'm God I can't even imagine I'm

impressed that you can even broach it I kind of broach but every that's all my therapy is cock is my therapist being like well you gotta talk to your parents like I know fuck I haven't done it he's been telling me that for years and I refuse I just can't I'll be on the plane to Thanksgiving this is four years in a row and I go this is the one baby I'm here a big Super Bowl of sadness and therapy and gay and I can't do it same here it's so hard to get it going you like he's a what are you afraid of and that's a whole other thing but just the feeling of how awkward it's gonna be exactly exactly but he's like but it's

to grow it's not confronting it's gonna make a deeper relationship yeah please tell me we're recording yeah yeah yeah all the levels were gay all right well anyway so now I'm feeling feelings I'm feeling the sad I'm understanding I'm a sad guy of a sad childhood and all that pain is there so it helps and now if you have things you're like oh that's anxiety and that's you can direct the thoughts to like this is because of that yeah as opposed to this mysterious I'm fucking I'm cursed which is what I always felt before it's because of this is a form of narcissism in a way oh it's me I'm cursed it's all on me the world's

coming down on me right shit I had a thing and then I went bye can I say this you talk with the attention I've been by my whole life I think that's a big internet thing these people I'm outraged and I'm pissed and this bothered me and I'm offended that's all attention to oh of course that's of course that's exactly what that is internet trolls are that nice to hear from you guys the internet trolls are that and like all those a lot of that social justice where yes first of all I'm like I'm for a lot of the social justice but this like fucking internet thing I'm outraged I saw this guy in my

bathroom and this guy was a lot of that is just they're just sad or hurting in some way I think I'm not an expert I would bet my life on it and then everybody goes you're so brave you're so strong good for you thanks for telling us we're behind you that's just more them going alright it's coming in it's like the slot machine ching ching ching it's working and to be specific we're talking about people that are like I went to a comedy show and this guy said this yeah not the people people have been assaulted and abused that's good for you get the power back I'm pro the move I'm woke mark you're well I'm woke but

it's these people that are like I I went to a movie and there was only three Asian extras and I want this movie shut down and fucking those people are just trying to get the attention rabbit and they threw blueberries at the kids which is exactly because I'm a vegetarian and I have fat shame and I'm yeah shut up yeah that one there they're hurting I think a lot of people on the internet I think the people that feel the need to reach out and be like I'm no longer listening to your show because you're there hurting I think they're in pain yeah oh for sure normal people go I don't care for that program I don't

watch it anymore and it's like we said usually when you grow you write to them go what's your problem and what's going on they go I'm sorry my dad's a douche yeah exactly so it's all the internet is wonderful but very dangerous and I'm trying to stay away from it as much as possible yeah it's an amazing thing but with amazing things comes jizz yes with great power comes great responsibility spider-man yeah some other then yeah some other I think that must have been a quote before that that can't just be a Peter Parker original yeah I don't know maybe I'll tell you I was on a plane the other day and the guy

next I'm a joke about this the guy next to you is watching I don't know we've known it is fantastic for the Justice League keep up one of the Marvel ones where they're all in it but hey I was looking I was like that actually seems pretty fun but he's what spider-man was swinging on the bridge and then like Iron Man came out they were all shooting each other I'm like maybe I'm too cynical that looks kind of enjoyable maybe that's super friends are the Avengers I don't know but maybe it's the Avengers they all come together it's like it's like a team thing but I thought the Avengers was one group it's like a

thing like the Incredibles Incredibles that's the ones that's retired I heard how old are they the Incredibles is about I overheard a guy explaining this the other day the Incredibles is about a superhero that is now retired and has a kid which is a pretty good premise I remember being like oh that's pretty good I think I'm sometimes I'm too close-minded on these things I'm like that's actually sounds pretty funny that is good that's the cartoon yes it's an old superhuman his wife or were superheroes they're fucking I believe that's good sex superhero fuck I wouldn't know I mean the opposite you got a little Robin in

you do I feel Robin I'm the flash I don't want to be here I don't want to be Robin the cradle maybe she is you got a hood the door hood hood is good or bad I think I don't have a hood I thought the hood was when you don't have it cut yeah yeah I was joking oh so I got no hood you got out there what if I get divorced your wife is a hood oh that's the clip yeah clitoral hood like a little racist that David tell would say okay all right well I don't know where we are anymore anyways I might try to watch something but I'll just tell you this real quick but my story is involved movies and I don't know

what anyone wants to hear about but I went and saw this movie I've seen a couple of real clunker stinker yeah the old man and the gun well you know my feelings on Robert Redford oh you hate the red he stinks and I'll tell you who else is on board Louis one Louis CK oh yeah group is expanding of people that understand that Robert Redford stinks and here's the group so far have you happy to join have you I'd love to join I mean he's handsome he's very handsome he's got a great head of hair for being 91 listen to this lineup we were talking about last night at the cellar me Louis Colin Quinn Nick DiPaolo that's some

pretty good company the people that all individually have brought up that heck I stinks all right overrated actor well let's see what about didn't he direct the river runs through it he's directed some movie directed reds I think we might have gone through the movies has been in already I don't want to get into reruns but I'm talking directing yes he rejected I think he's a solid director ordinary people yeah there you go I think Reds and then maybe River runs through it I don't know I think he did direct a river we're talking acting okay I don't know about his acting Ronald Reagan the actor but anyways he sticks we went and saw

this movie just because sometimes you're bored you want to see a movie sure the old man and the gun and it should be called hand me a gun and stick it in my asshole and blow my tits off really this movie sucks wow the old man the gun I thought it was the sea no no no this is different that's a Copernicus Hemingway yes tell themself like you wanted to do Hemingway did yeah shut himself in the asshole I didn't know the rifle he is a famous suicide guy no kid I didn't know he shot himself maybe I do and I forgot there's a thing you get old you start forgetting things because you have too much inflammation yeah well you're an

old man with a gun Kurt Cobain he killed himself that's right or some say Courtney oh yeah right on my birthday my 12th birthday anyways so this movie we went and saw this movie Sissy's basic is in a Robert Redford is whatever she's great Badlands JFK lover but name Sissy ooh that's what my wife calls me on Wednesdays but this movie stinks wet and sorry it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen we couldn't but it was like 10 minutes in we started making fun of it like this sucks there's all these old fucks there and they love it yeah there it makes retirement look fun we go to the movies on an afternoon Wednesday

afternoon or whatever and it's sold out it's all elderly people that they just like let's go see the picture yeah like the upper east you know I'm like I want to do that I want to just go to the movies when I'm old I'm gonna do it now I guess so I will cocoon was a blast and I heard they're all banging in the old folks home yes a lot of herpes herpes is like a all over the old folks but at that point you're like I who care I get a breakout I'll die now you live I live I got one right now I'm saying if you're old like you'll get a couple outbreaks but you'll be dead soon yes who cares yeah exactly it's not so bad in fact I'm

going to Norway tonight I'm gonna go get some more Valtrex you get a dime a dozen over there doesn't for a dime doesn't for a dime a dozen anyways I went and saw the old man in the gun and it fucking sucks yeah it stinks and he stinks in it movie Sarah hated I hated it I forget what I was gonna say something else to be a bad actor and yet get work it just shows that the film industry is kind of a hoax like you just like the guy and I hate when people go I love that guy I love that actor well you but you're you don't know who he is he's just playing a different person every single thing you've seen him you just like to

look at this person yes well some actors are great though I'm a great you know Philip Seymour Hoffman you got that Paul Newman is amazing to near or of course Tom Hardy is unbelievable Jake Gyllenhaal I love to near oh I already said but Gina oh Oscar Isaac he's minority Denzel is amazing I leave you know we talked about this recently some Guatemala oh he's my who if I had to fuck one guy be him yes I'll take Tom Hardy and him at the same time if you don't mind that's Hardy Denzel is good we did this last night it was me great hang at the cellar last night I'll tell you about last night then we'll move on I was at the

comedy cellar which is just a great special place great play it's special you go there and it was Sherrod Small who was on I mean he was really on last night when he's on he's on he's on and you know he wasn't sometimes he's shit host and he's yelling you know he was just being hilarious and killing at the table Keith Robinson was there Modi no then Phil Hanley came over Nikki came over Marina's over there Louie came by first time I've been there since Louie's been back and that was exciting you know it's a quite a lot of excitement over there it's a lot of danger and tension tension it's a real situation over there

it's a boiling pot it's all it's a hot plate yeah blue plate special but it was just a great hang we've been extremely irreverent you know Keith saying horrible stuff we're saying horrible stuff was shitting on him cuz he had a stroke it was really a just a barrel of laughs and then the Red Sox Yankees game was on this is game for folks which is a week ago now quite a thrilling game we're all going crazy everyone's making fun of me because I'm a big socks fan so I was losing my mind I was chewing on my sleeve and every pitch I'd be like fuck cunt your mother ass suck my fucking dick you fat lip fucking piece of shit

it was really fun and then Keith kept shitting on me and then Louie came up and you know he pretends to be a baseball fan that's a whole thing just kidding he's a fan it's right he's from Boston but everyone was going nuts and then John Fish was there he's pacing I'm shaking I couldn't stop moving everyone's trash should be Vecchione is there great hang we're all laughing eventually the Red Sox won quite a thrill I told him to suck my dick that was fun I'm smashing the table it's good to get the big win you know yes everyone's rooting against you just to be funny right and then I'm like fuck you fuck

you fuck it was it was really exciting quite a thrill yeah a lot of that he was doing that he's like that that horseshit the sock stink not a great impression I have to say no no but I think he would say something like yes he was doing a lot of it's very nice of you I can't do the voices great hang and then the show was killer and then like you know Louie's like I'm gonna come watch I haven't seen in a long time so he comes down to watch and then Hanley comes down because he's like I'm gonna watch too and then the host is sitting there now I got all the people which is quite exciting you always

think I want all the comics to watch me that would be exciting you want me that kind of comic but it's nerve-wracking as well right exactly and then a tell he's going on after me so he's in the room I'm literally on stage and David tell and Louis CK are sitting there watching I'm like this is horrifying I'm shaking like you know Jay Fox Ali whoever yes and it ended up being a killer killer set all right then a tell goes on then Louie goes on warm response I have to say they're making him go last now I hear yeah well Godfrey went after him but Godfrey always goes last I go after 9-11 he'll be fine but it was quite a program

I'll tell you the show was Andrew Schultz Marina Franklin me a tell Louie Godfrey quite a lineup nobody I know some people have left and been upset this this particular show nobody left or was upset so there was one couple that got thrown out right before I went on no right after I went on they were annoying during my set and then during a tell before a tell came up between us got kicked out and it tells me to go on the tell is just smoking in the hallway and I'm like how funny these people gonna get kicked out of the cellar and had to walk through cigarette smoke pretty funny yeah tell will just smoke right in

the hallway you talk about like those little stairs on the sidewalk area yeah like he'll come inside the door to like listen to see what's up he like lights a cigarette he can do whatever he wants that guy something I mean I know cigarettes kill people and are horrible but there's something beautiful about it just a guy smoking yeah it's very cool it's cool but it's like a throwback and he doesn't give a shit that he's killing himself it's great yes good good good sorry we got a weird phone call coming in Shelby's trying to get in the door smoking smoking cigarettes always looks cool smoking the

other thing always looks nerd shooting dick no the pole what are you talking about weed no the other new thing with the box the vape yeah the vape vape vape vape apology vape vape vape sucks cigarettes cool but anyways I don't you know obviously it's we're vape victims mixed messages and there's a lot of stuff happening with the Louis thing but I have to say it was it was interesting and exciting being there and the crowd he had a tough set I gotta tell you because it was late at night and drunk and it was like you know one o'clock in the morning yeah so it wasn't like he didn't murder but they were a very warm

reception when he came out yeah and it was just a generally great hang everyone got along swimmingly and it was fine so I don't know some people are very upset about it some people are very happy about it some people don't give a shit but yeah yeah the people don't give a shit don't give a shit and the people who do are upset that other people don't give a shit but I feel like as time goes on more and more people will give less of a shit yeah I don't know I don't know what's gonna happen I mean at some point it feels like someone's gonna fucking whip a beer at him or throw a drink in his face or something but sadly I've gotten that

and I haven't done anything well I like a piss thrown on me but anyways hey hey folks good to be back you know what you love it Mack Weldon we love these cats this is some good clothing folks it's better than anything you're wearing right now I'll tell you that Mack Weldon is a premium men's essentials brand that believes in smart design and premium fabrics folks they sent us some goodies and I love them I got a hoodie this thing fits like a glove it's not all loosey-goosey and wiggly it just fits snug as a bug in a rug and I need a tug I love Mack Weldon I love their underwear they got the antimicrobial it's just

good quality stuff I have low self-esteem everything I've bought is either from a thrift store or my brother gave it to me or it's my mom's panties but Mack Weldon is good quality stuff and they're the best in the biz they're nice people they'll give you a full refund and let you keep the stuff if you buy from them on the first go so check it out it's good stuff the website's easy to use they got all the photos up there pick your favorites and go nuts all good for working out or just going out on a date I love Mack Weldon excuse me yeah so get in there check it out and you know it baby 20% off your first order if you

visit Mack Weldon got comm enter promo code Tuesdays at checkout that's 20% off your first order at Mack Weldon comm enter promo code Tuesdays thank you that was pretty much the night magical night I don't say magical but it was a fun night and it's fun to describe it it's fun with those old-time guys I said Modi and Sherrod and and Keith and it's just a great great hang and it's an exciting place to be and the shows were killer and I know we've talked about a lot it's a lot of fun it's a lot of fun it's special and the irreverence the people I don't understand I'm starting to talk like Cosby the people the people who

get upset and bothered by the offended and the words and the irreverence what are you doing like do you really want to live like it's like that Chad Daniels quote where he tells a funny joke about I don't know pedophilia and half the crowd groans and half the crowd laughs and he goes man it must suck to be you right because you're this side your brain goes oh that's funny and goes haha enjoy this and then your brain goes hey this is inappropriate what a horrible life that must be and that's how I feel for these people get offended like hey you can't say that I'm like deal you realize you're the guy in footloose who's saying

dancing is illegal right you want to be that guy you're the guy at the rock concert going hey this is Elvis is shaking his hips we got to put into this you're that guy yes how could you want to live like that that's how you want to be in when they went the history books write you down yeah which it's it's it's tricky because it's come with comedy it's weird to be upset with jokes yeah we're joking around but I had different strokes for different folks I just feel like like I said I've talked about this before I hate reality shows or the desperate housewives and the Kardashians but I don't I just don't watch

them yeah I don't email anybody to tell them not to watch it or to write to the network and say you should take the show off the air or I just go oh that's not for me I don't like that well what bugs of these folks who get upset is that the audience the full room is laughing and then they get mad at you and I'm like well yell at them too they're enjoying it right so that's what bothers them the most is that like it's working people do enjoy this also you could enjoy not liking something like I watched the old man in the gun I'm like this sucks we're laughing we're making fun of it or poking fun I'm like I'm gonna tell everyone

about this and we start laughing like this will be stuck last night we had similar this conversation a 10-minute conversation about all the actors that are overrated I was making my list I was like John Krasinski blows and fucking now you know what's that guy Robert Redford stinks and oh Clint Eastwood Clint Eastwood I don't like him just he doesn't do anything great in a while I like unforgiven but boy he's had some bad Gran Torino stinks and what else stinks the movie we had a billion dollar baby I didn't care for that one everyone loved that one and then the one where the Marines play Marines I'm like what are

you doing here that was 1517 to Paris with 24 310 Daniel I don't 25 or 624 Yokozuna no way Erojima that was a doc wasn't it no it was an Ewo Jima in there I think I thought he made a documentary I don't think so he's got a kooky text what's going on here oh my god what is that right that is horrifying throw that shit not in the ocean get rid of that phone what is that sweet bed text that we can't keep talking about because the audience is gonna get a little sorry I just got a strange text where I'm like what the fuck is this did I talk about Gotham no I think we were looted to Gotham I got teased it I gotta talk about God I got

I got a lot of stuff here all right you go I'm done but all right so I got a couple other things later please nuggets chime mix match and dice set not dice set what do you call when you slide right in the middle there dice sir dilute dilute no dilute negative not sometimes dilute is good yeah I guess you want to but I don't want to dilute your story now don't dilute dildo I like a dildo dildos are like a vibrator that doesn't vibrate right yeah well you can strap one on or you can fucking what dildos have like veins and balls and a suction cup or a strap so Michael J. Fox a vibrator we're dildos because we don't

jiggle yeah I suppose so I mean anything could be a deal I mean you have a cactus could be a dildo wow that's a bad night yeah you jam it in there yeah I mean a shoe could be a dildo a mug a sock of I'm just naming I see a skateboard a dildo I'm a C3 Pio yeah R2 he's got girth D2 in my ass all right so tell me about Gotham DP this text is fucking with a guy sent me a cuckoo text text the text is out Texas Rangers text mechs all right oh textile mill did the cordon show flew in on a red-eye which you know everybody's like well you'll sleep on the plane blow me no one sleeps on a plane you can't sleep on a plane

snakes on a plane so you land in a in New York City Brooklyn or what do you call Queens Queens yes Queens I live there landed Queens at 8 in the morning get back to the apartment take three hours of sleep go to Gotham for my first headlining weekend in Gotham it's a milestone for a comedian in New York a kilometer rock yeah oh also I gotta say I got a tweet that saying you weren't chiming in enough on my stories and I know you feel like you don't interrupt me but please interrupt when was that recently about five years ago yeah that was what someone said that years ago yeah more recent one I worry that you're

not doing it I chime quite a bit all right but you you said once you were worried by interrupting interrupt well people first of all it doesn't matter there's always in it first of all the people that writes you on the internet are almost always negative so sense of positivity for God for the love of anal but people go one type of like oh my Joe's is uninterested during Mark's story just go mm-hmm uh-huh okay and I'm like that's me making sure you're aware that I'm listening yes okay right yeah I like you to do that yeah I'm telling a story like people go oh wow neat okay otherwise if I was just dead silent

they're like he's just dead silent right what are you doing he's not even listening where'd he go no I don't hate the silent and I don't interrupt but you we give each other spaces to talk I feel like we've worked it pretty well in the last nine hundred years 300 episodes all right some positive stuff though we're dying out here I want to kill myself every day yeah cried he'd be sobbed ah sorry I had a post nasal trip semen all right so come and do got them we sold out one of them which is nice and I try to get my my crew opening for me I got some Ian Lara some Sean Murph some Chris Al mix it up John Fish hosting just a

great weekend and nothing better than sitting that green room at Gotham you're like I made it good dream in the green room and Friday night was just a blast it was a two-show Friday two-show Saturday get in Friday do both sets I do a set downstairs at Gotham between headlining vintage lounge yes that's a good room great room and it was packed and then I did two sets after one at the stand-up New York with Chris Allen one at the cellar and it was just a great night and the whole thing so the last night we wrap up the whole thing at Gotham is a success full shows felt great we're sitting in the green room it's

like eight of us just hanging out in there the owner I don't get to detail because I don't know what I can divulge dilute great owner by the way great owner Chris Mozillae New York guy Italian comes in and he's got these mob stories that are phenomenal and every cop every guy who works there security at Gotham is an ex Brooklyn cop yes they're bad asses bad and they've all been shot they've all been raped they've all been jizzed on it's wild and they come in and Mozillae starts telling stories and then they go huh what are you guys talking about oh let me tell you about this one and these stories are bananas oh really

one guy was an undercover guy he's been shot in the cheek he showed us the scar and he's like I used to go undercover and they would search you so I would tape razor blade so the bottom my feet in case you got hairy I can just zip up slice people up wow yeah so he's got these stories I got this fucking Puerto Rican MOOC he came at me and I had to fucking get my foot up to my ankle and pick a big paper clip off it and cut up in the eye and then I got my wife out of there it was wild oh my god we should have queefed it I know I'm fun at the record but this is all off the wreck we should do some doorman queef maybe hide their

voice like you know Star Wars or Freddy Krueger right yeah and then I fucked that chick in the alley yeah whatever it is yeah so that's Star Wars some wild times over there I mean this when New York was New York is like this before cameras he's like elbowing Ian Lara who's like a little black kid you remember those and he's like yeah yeah and right when they all that we talk for like an hour and a half then when they all left like the two black guys of the room were like the whole time just want to be like so what's up with the you know the harassment of black people but we didn't do that we went straight to the

diner on 14th Street we just had it out about every comedy thing every meat to every anal rape every political Trump and we talked till five in the morning of this diner wow they hated us we probably had a bill of like $11 I got like one egg he got a he got a orange juice and one guy got a shake and that was it but it was eight of us for the OJ is eight bucks alone that's true and he's innocent and I feel good I took the bill and we all walked home and Chris Allen's going to Queens and this kid's going to Brooklyn and we all we probably all got home at eight in the morning yeah Chris was all excited he was texting me

I went to New York the women are beautiful I did a bunch of shows the thing yeah yeah took him to the cellar we had a good time yeah it's nice so yeah it was a great time he's like our son he is yeah he's our big black we got a big black son we adopted it's like the blind side I'm gonna be so bad by the way I never was it just slavery right it was nominated for best picture of course it was so bad all right so then I wait I go to I go home the lady and I wake up on Sunday morning after a big ol 5 a.m. I did a 5 a.m. waking fuck oh boy it's like a waking big thank you for waking her this time yeah I'm trying she's a heavy

sleeper Cosby so she wakes up we bang then we sleep to like one and she goes hey you know it's weird I got these tickets to go to see some music show and I had the night off I was like I did cordon I did got them I did 18 sets I stayed out to five in the morning talking about jazz I'm taking the night off I take Sunday off to get I bought these two tickets to go see the national mm-hmm what do you know about them I tried to listen it's a little baby a little moody and heavy it's moody and heavy canner's way into what he keeps trying to get me in I've given it a couple dabbles and I understand their talent and it's just

I don't love that like yeah moody and heavy I'm on the Brandy Carlisle kick over here that's moody but less heavy not moody what moody McCarthy I mean what kind of moody you're talking about you know just like feely and emotionless feel but there's some rock there's some pop there's some country it's a whole mega I'm wearing a Brandy Carlisle t-shirt right now in a pair of Melissa etridge underwear oh wow oh boy I think that goes in no pad goes out what's the goes in Japan ah yes yes so yeah so she goes I got these dudes I go I got the day free let's let's go out there it's in Queens Forrest Hills Forrest Hills

never been love it so I go well since we're going out to this thing and I got nothing to do see we're comics so we're used to like all right I gotta do this tonight I got eight shows I'm gonna take this train I gotta fuck this Jew the whole thing but I go listen I can't just go out see a console I'll be bored so we take shroom all the shrooms you guys do shrooms on every day you ever go on yeah yeah it's my problem we get on the train and you know you haven't done shrooms in a while not never in my life oh you haven't now we've had this conversation before you stop doing shrooms you remember yeah I guess you're right I'm an

old man with a gun so I go all right let's let's take these shrooms so we take them and we take a heavy amount because it's 1 p.m. we got the whole day to kill yeah heavy sleeper heavy night heavy moody heavy D and the fat boys Chris Allen heavy weights he lost weight he lost weight yeah that's true he looks good and okay so we go out to Forrest Hills we get on the train and sunday so all the trains are fucking trannies they're all over the road I don't know which is up which is down if you don't live in New York City the weekend comes and the entire MTA just go ah fuck all the people and blow me there's still eight

million people here half it's we're still doing shit exactly so now we're on mushrooms and they take about a half hour to kick in so we get on the f we're gonna get to the f to get to the yellow line it's a whole thing now the f isn't running so we end up on the a there now we're in Times Square we're on the a we're anal we're Jewish we don't know what to do so I go fuck this and I start feeling them it's been a half hour we haven't got we've got nowhere what tits the strooms oh I feel her tits the whole time I haven't noticed them anymore so now I'm like fuck let's just take an uber she goes all right I'll get us an uber

so I go all right I don't know how far away Forrest Hills I'm like that's in Queens it might take 10 minutes it's a haul it is a haul you haul so now we're on the sidewalk at Penn Station like on 34th and 8th and I'm just like holy shit everybody walking by looks like a Delta Burke it's terrifying she's she's clenched my leg like koala she's like I'm like hiding her like a little kid and uh every you know every hobo stop when you're on troops it feels like the whole world is coming at you like every hobo is going up and going give me some change one guy I swear to god he came up to us

hobo asked me for chains his pants fell down oh my god it's too much because when you're on troops everything's a thing like you know you see a fat lady walk by you start thinking man she was probably made fun of as a kid and she probably has all these crazy uh you know eating problems because they're dead fucker and all they you start like every single person these eight million people so you're doing that to everybody you can't take it's overwhelming yeah I've heard you do mushrooms in the woods or a barn or you know whatever a mountain not in the Manhattan no no so finally the uber comes and we're like

ah we just open the door we slide in we close the door we're both shaking and we're like oh my god these rooms are too good this is too much we're freaking out and we're like we haven't even gotten out of Queens yet and we're freaking out oh my god so now we're in traffic we're in traffic we're just in the back seat like holding each other like two sexual abuse victims we're shaking like old squirrels and then we get up on the uh is it the rfk bridge yes the try burrow try burrow now the rfk yeah yeah and it's beautiful find the traffic breaks you see it's so pretty and we've been on that bridge a

million times going to the airport or whatever but you never took it in without the shrooms and the fucking sun is shining you see Roosevelt island you see statin island you see wall street the world trade it's all right there all right gorgeous and then we're like the street we start calming down like all right we're kind of having a bad trip you know uh-huh and we start calming down and then we get out there and it is a haul we're i'm like we're still going we're still going and when you're in shrooms one minute is like an hour now you're taking so much in

and uh so this poor seek or muslim seek whatever the hide and seek whatever you call the guys with the turban destroy yeah oh well it could be us there's the soonies and there's the sheites uh-huh i don't want to talk sheite but this guy was uh great he was just quiet the most quiet uber driver you could have which is what you want on shrooms you don't want some guy being like hey so how about these weirdos uh you know well sooner or later you're gonna get a good uh cab driver hello folks well uh so we get to forest hills which is this beautiful like uh suburban tucked away it's like

dutch architecture manicured lawns it's like a it's it's like uh Beverly hillsy homo Ramones Ramones Simon and Garfunkel billy eichner trump at one point yes everything jamaica at one point oh really yeah that's what i heard back in the fifties when it was yeah man well google forest hills it's the alumni is amazing who came out of there somebody else big i can't think of it bunch of sports guys uh came out of there but yeah so i believe they're called athletes yes so we get there and the uh we would just pull out and we're in this neighborhood it's so weird you

know there's no buildings or anything it's just beautiful lawns beautiful homes we pull up to a corner and the guy goes this is it and i go what this is it we're going to a rock concert he's like but i don't know what to tell you and we go okay so we get out and uh we we look up and there's a bunch of like cops around they go go that way go that way when you're on troops like okay don't yell at me and we're walking towards this stadium i guess in the middle of a neighborhood and you start seeing like hippies and you know people dressed up weird and sunglasses you're like all right we'll just follow them and we're like what is

it felt like we're walking into woodstock everybody's all in a good mood drinking beer and uh boom we're in the forest hill stadium one of the coolest venues i've ever seen i never knew about is in my own city spectacular he used to be the home of the u.s open for years that's right and i almost got to open for louis there but he emailed me like a half hour before and i had a gig i was like what the fuck why don't you tell me up ahead of time i should have canceled that one but i was i was in another city i was like in cleveland or something oh wow you know these people they were some of these guys

he's like he wanted to open for me in a half hour i'm like are you crazy i'm in uh you know tampa right maxi but anyway spectacular video amazing i saw tom penny there right before he croaked that's amazing thank you are you should fear yes should fear so uh was it oh no fear that was the dumb shirts oh yeah those are big oh god it was huge that was like mid 90s early 90s yeah there was another one with like what was it joe bob or something like a big buff guy would always like touch girls tits joe bob bubba oh he it was always big breasted women and bikinis like a cartoon oh i don't know i remember the guy

pissing on everyone it was like calvin would be that was calvin yeah also russians yes sure what was that joe six pack joe box joe box i think that's a toolbox you put in your truck that was a t-shirt everybody had it was like no it was on the no fear family there was co-ed naked remember that that was huge i don't remember co-ed that was a huge co-ed naked volleyball co-ed naked twister co-ed naked there was a whole thing it would have like a pun in there when you're when you it was kind of like when you dive into third and you have your right fucking nerd right right it was like it would be like a

co-ed naked softball a pair of balls and a bat and it was a shirt yes it was a big series of shirt maybe it was only new england i think it was everywhere though co-ed naked became a big situation not rigging my clit well either way we got there and apparently these forest hills they do a whole day of music you got this guy you got that guy then the big closer was the national that was their festival oh is it yeah i think they had like a festival they're like this is the nationals festival oh okay well it was night two for the national not well attended if i might add

really not great yeah i mean the seats what 10 grand over there i don't know well it's just a beautiful place is all these there's a big grounds area with like all the food and the alcohol and the beer and everything and then you go away you just walk right it's very very uh lax yes lax and uh so you go in you can just go in go out go in go out and one band plays for an hour then you go out and eat now another band goes in for an hour you got a half hour between each one and cat power played i like cat power what she's good i like her it was like comically bad well laughing she's supposed to be bad live i think she has an

alcohol problem and that's the that's the 411 on her is that a bad live performer well they you know i i'm open minded i'll give everything a shot this woman is dressed like full black like amish lady in the middle it was like 3 p.m the sun is shining she's like i'm a woman i'm a woman i'm a woman it was like it was out of a movie we were just like howling the sun's on her it was so weird and everybody hated her and you know there was like five women like swaying who it you know were obviously rape victims and it wasn't fun at all i was like this is sucks it wasn't rock concert at all it was boring and uh i saw like a couple

black guys there and i wanted to look at them like you could tell they were like man this is white people shit right here and i was like no no this we hate it too but uh it was weird because it was a concert but it was the most gentle quiet people ever right it was no like yeah no fist pounding or anything well that's the kind of concert like cat power plays like an auto harp is like and then you know the nationals all like and a lot of the people there they're that kind of music that they're like we're sad it's the hard times and so they gotta you gotta go see you know fucking uh a rock and roll band or something yeah i guess yeah

that's a bad example but you know what i do you know so but yeah you go out and everybody's sitting down like playing playing games and like one guy had a hacky sack and he was like the wild man you know it was bananas how soft spoken everybody was and everybody's wearing black and there was no sexualness at all it was like everybody's wearing sweaters and shit and reading shit about canter he was out there fucking shotgun and beer as i'm sure it takes me later it's like i was in the heineken tent i was like i didn't know the was was a heineken jet he's always gonna hook up those jews really figure their way out into things

jews i mean that's a compliment shaffir they're always like yeah like i know a couple guys and i'm gonna be backstage you know flossing the band's teeth for you hot dog right right so they got their nose and everything so finally this this one band goes on and the girlfriend was like oh these guys are great and i was like all right well after cat power i need a i need to be a cleansing you know and these guy future islands comes on have you heard of them yes i know future islands um i got a free album for my birthday about future islands from matt donner her oh he's a cute cake brought me a birthday gift look at that

it was future islands album i listen to i don't i think there's a little bit of like um it's very synthy yes i don't care for that i said i like raw materials but the lead singer was so captivating he does these weird foot movements and he does like kicks and cancans he was amazing he made the whole thing like the music was good but it was a little too 80sy like like keyboard stuff yes but the lead singer was banana and i like fell in love with the band i googled and they did a letterman white right before he left and letterman's going nuts he's like that was amazing holy shit it's weird to see letterman go crazy are those your drums

yeah so you got to check them out give them another uh the song seasons get that a listen it's a it's a hum digger it's lunch i confuse them with andy samberg outfit what's that now that's his band outfit because called uh what's he wearing lonely island oh they're good too i always confuse the two oh god i'm getting text uh oh jesus christ samberg now different but i like uh yeah i like him okay lonely island i don't know but i always confuse him sometimes like i went and saw future islands i'm like oh samberg's fun they're like what yeah but just a great day and you know the shrooms are kicking and uh the stadium

is outdoors so that sun is setting with live music and there's nothing better yeah it's something else we got some great venue hit jones beach is also an incredible venue i gotta do it because that one the sun sets on the ocean you're literally on the ocean so that's pretty exciting that is nice yeah so future island they left and and the guy on stage the future island guy he's like this big high energy guy he's always fist pumping he's like he's got a voice like that so the whole time he's like guys we gotta get together and stop racism stop prejudice and stop sexism and you're like thank god this

guy's saying all this because he comes off as like a terrifying white supremacist leader right he's like ah so uh we were making a lot of jokes about him and you know it's funny you sit in the back you can crack wise or hammered you're on drugs and then the national came out and uh they they killed it not not a huge uh national fan but they were great and then we took a train home and had a great we went and got dinner it was a great night on shrooms that sounds like a fun night it's the best drugs is no hangover this you just go oh i don't feel anymore all right now let's go eat no hangover i thought there was some

hangover residuals you get depressed or something or that's ecstasy that's big x that's molly you really get like uh it drained your serotonin levels right so with the shrooms though it's just like a plant and it's out of your system you take a big green dump and you're done serotonin levels like a good seratine levels so what are you what are you cooking with but i had to get that shroom story out no no i appreciate it uh put it up there well i was out um in uh arizona i went up for sal volcano yeah italian for volcano is that right

i don't know it seems like it would be maybe it's spanish for volcano inter erupt what you don't get it volcano interrupt oh erupt i was gonna be inter i had to throw it in there i was trying to figure i couldn't i didn't that was my fault i couldn't crack it all right so i hope for old sally v great guy oh dude he hit me up about that one too i wish i could have done it i know i did it's hard to meet anyone that he didn't offer it to first everyone i bumped into like oh i'm not gonna offer that i'm like i gotta offer that i got i'm like all right all right yeah everybody turned that i'm hitting

ninth in the lineup but i'm glad everyone turned it down because he pays a pretty penny and it was a beautiful time yeah so we did the stand-up live in phoenix which is right down the street from tempe improv which we did yes and it's a beautiful room it's all brand new it's big it's a few years old brand new he sells out both shows oh you love that open carry over there what in uh arizona oh yes yes well no one shot us uh but he gets molested quite a bit this guy he's a sweet man because he takes it

yeah but this woman runs right up first of all he comes downstairs we meet at the hotel i fly out long-ass flight you know of course and then uh i got in a way i took the early flight went out to arizona sat watch baseball all day it was pretty fun you got a hotel out there and everything beautiful hotel we stayed at the kipton right across the street from the club beautiful hotel great facility kipton um so he can he shows up and we meet up and i go you just walk over there by yourself you don't have a team and he's like ah usually my manager's here but

whatever because he's a big star oh he forget because he's so humble yes and we're just buddies but he's just a comic to us but he's enormous enormous but he's so he's a statin island guy you know he's just like a mook very down to earth very uh very humble just a sweet sweet man good man good egg so we walk over there immediately someone was like oh my god it's out take a photo and then we walk up another woman runs up and just goes i love you right in his face gives him a big hug and kisses him on the face which is like this is battery you know you touching a person this is

crazy good point uh celebrities they think they can or entertainers we get that every now and then and i'm like wow who do you think you are well i'm grateful that no one ever touches me what's nice about our show though is we talk about our personalities and what we like and don't like so that it helps yeah uh sometimes people by the way we've said this before sometimes people are too runaway ish that's true i was in Cleveland this couple came up they're like we drove all the way from Detroit well we'll leave you alone they just left

i'm like well come talk to me you drove all the way from Detroit yeah i'm not an animal we have a weird a window though because we hate the too much then we hate the too little so it's not their fault most people nail it okay i find but anyways they just want to jump up and grab them the whole thing but uh beautiful club and i haven't featured in years yeah so nice no radio no pressure no nothing yeah you just show up i did 20 minutes 23 minutes

killed hot crowd it is a little weird because it's he builds it as salval kennel with special guests so they're like it's going to be myrrh or trey or whoever the other one is it's going to be you know whatever and then i come out and they're like what and i'm like sorry everybody i'm the guest so just you're gonna have whatever but they i'm sure they enjoy that but i'm good yeah and i do joe after a couple of jokes they're like oh okay it's just a comedian we like this so that was fun and then we did phoenix

on friday and then brea improv on saturday which is brand new they moved they moved up the street the club's been open since may so it's like spanking new wow that's fun and he's his manager called me he's like here's the flight itinerary and they're like this is his flights and it's hard because i'm not i'm used to working on my own and traveling my own like so we reserved a flight a seat on his plane but it's like out of new work and it leaves it like for that i'm like oh i'm sorry you have to cancel that i'm gonna book my own

travel i'm like i live 10 minutes from the airport right and i'm like i can't to river crossing new works an hour and a half away yeah i'm like i'm not i'm just gonna do my own thing was he pissed because i mean that's canceling a flight sometimes you you get you gotta eat it no no they just made reservations they they're like you pay for it so uh yeah so there was an indian giving situation yes so i was like i'll just book my own flight if that's okay like of course i mean they're so nice you do whatever you want so i book my flight i got in early and then i decided i'm gonna drive from

phoenix to brea uh-huh it's a five and a half hour ride but we fly so much i hate it so i'm like i'll skip a day one less day of traveling i'll drive through the mountains and the desert it'll be beautiful what about sali sal's got his plane he's flying not his plane he's flying well how was that a 10 minute flight uh phoenix to lax i don't know probably a 40 minute flight i don't know it's a five hour ride so car ride so then he was like maybe i'll drive with you and i was like great

look at that but he was staying in a different hotel further away it didn't really make sense so he's like i'm gonna fly it's too long we're right i was like all right great so i go and rent a car i put on my brandy carlyle and i just listened to every album from the beginning all the way through look at you six albums first track in order i'm driving through the mountains the desert i'm rocking out at one point she covers elton john so i got the feeling for some elton john i digress from her put on some elton i'm doing

facebook live video whatever you call it insta stories i got your period in that car i was crying and boofing and jerking off saying lilith fair it was wild and i listened to brag i got my feet out the window i'm rocking and rolling and i drive right by joshua tree was where my honeymoon was so i started crying over that i'm like i'm getting touched it's so hard to not go into joshua tree it's such a spectacular place and i'm right there because the road drives right along at the tent and i'm like fuck i just want to go in there but i can't i'm up against it i

gotta get to phoenix or whatever can you kiss it can you kind of go at the edge of it i was at the edge i looked over i looked at it i can see it all right i smooched i went to some photos and yeah they stick uh they're like the robert redford of music just kidding don't write to me they're good they're fine what about the sting get it that combined them oh that's fun uh yeah something something you had to explain it uh but anyways so i drive i roll into brea kelloff why stay in anaheim down the street from the club and that brea

improv brand new eric revero was emcee i haven't seen him in a while oh yeah he's a killer he's cute and these shows were killer i mean packed out we watched the the big fight kahib oh really whichever kind of color them habib but there's a k at his name i think it's kabib yeah kabib yeah but the guy that runs the thing dana why i never watched a fight really yeah they were calling him habib and i'm like is this on purpose what's going on here is a k silent he's a russian kook he's a russian hook it was insane well i don't watch a lot of

you i'm gonna try to get into this mma ufc because i'm a big sports nut obviously and we're watching the fight and uh habib kabib wins the fight and then fucking dives over the fence and jumps into the crowd and he's fighting then a bunch of crazy russians jumping into the thing they start fighting i'm like this is insane i love this sport it's great and he's like this is different than it normally is or whatever it was like you know terry oralee beating a guy with the shoe it's very popular it's the most fastest

rising sport of all time or some shit i think millberry beat the guy with the shoe but anyways um but it was very exciting i remember sitting at a bar in boston the green dragon like 12 years ago and this guy this bartender in a comic fighting he was like this will be on sports center in a few years and the guy's like you're crazy it's fucking barbaric he's like this is gonna be the biggest sport sports center will cover it this whole thing there's big fight i remember it and then we were sitting in the green room in brea and then that was all sports that are like we're live from

the fight so that guy was right he was a fight about a fight yeah but fun times and sal's a killer comic oh yeah he was murray is a full hour he's got some great stories some good bits and he's like a real comic and they love him he's so likeable and he's doing the work he's out at the cellar he's out at the stand he's running through it out every night he's a real he's a real kind he's not just like you know uh dustin diamond or whatever who's like oh i fail i'm gonna say he's a comic

he's a funny guy he gets it killer guy and uh great weekend i went and featured for a weekend great ride beautiful mountains the whole thing he's such a peach because i'm sure he was worried about you the whole time he was probably going you okay you're good i'm sorry i had to fly all this he's so not he worries about you yes so i got you the gig so i was like i got a t-shirt and jeans is that okay he's like oh my god are you getting doing whatever you want he's like say whatever you want i was like was that too dirty he's like dude go nuts so yeah he's the best that was great and

then i just gotta throw this out there i tweeted about it i facebook i'm trying to get the word out there uh-oh no it's good okay great have you seen this movie the overnight is that the one about the movie no it's on netflix the boondock saints thing no no this is adam scott and jason schwarzman it's a comedy i heard about it's like a hotel or something a bed and breakfast they're in a house a sex party house yes well i went and saw it in the theater a few years ago but sometimes you gotta see movie a couple times to really get the

the real business but i remember liking it i watched it by myself i masturbated i thought it was pretty good and then the other day sarah and i were flipping through i'm like oh i think i remember liking this you didn't see it let me put it on i howled really and i don't laugh very often at the moon not at the moon at the movie okay uh it's terrific jason schwarzman adam scott they are so funny they're both pitch perfect it's amazing everything they say and do is hilarious at the whole movie the whole movie is an hour and 18 minutes long $200,000 budget it's on

netflix and i got i'm getting nothing from my friends with them i don't get any diplomas what do you call that residuals or anything i just want to see this movie dildos uh go go watch it you'll you'll you'll cackle and laugh yeah all right great picture hell of a picture i i did conan and they were the two guests and that's where they were promoting oh i remember that yeah you were there oh yeah we talked about it like i went and saw that right i don't think i was at that one i was at a different one but i remember you saying that and i was like i saw that movie yes you were the one we need a stenographer

oh that'd be nice or pornographer we both they would do a stenography pornography that's a good idea so a lady types while they fuck she's like what what did you no no they're at the court i think and then she's like what did i say pull it up stenographer and she's like you said you want to blow me he's like do you and then they find i don't know something that's not bad the typewriter all right pornographer stenographer uh well that's about what i have you got another thing you want to throw out there love sell i love uh overnight i love fucking well i forgot one more thing i think this is that i really tickle your asshole so i get picked up at the phoenix um airport i don't know the name of it

i thought it was something i think it might be phx but that might be there your uniform no that's pdx i think pdx something yeah boy anyways i go to the i land in portland i go i'm gonna go to lift so i order the lift and then it tells you to go to door to south is what comes up on the app so they have like a ride share pickup thing so i walk over to door to south then i walk out and it's one of these ones where there's like a road then an island a lonely island if you are a future island then another road so it's like that little thing with like the island is for like you know hotel pickup shuttles so i'm like i guess i gotta go to the island so i go to the island i look up that says door three south then there's door two south over there

and then right next to that is door four south so you're close but they're all in the same thing uh-huh so then my lift driver i can't find him find the idea i go oh hey hey you are sorry it took me a moment i was a little confused and then this guy says it's too simple to be confused whoa it's too simple to be confusing and i got so mad wait a stranger the lift driver said i get in the car and i was like sorry i took you a moment to find you i was a little confused he's like this is too simple to be confusing which is such a dickface asshole thing to say weird thing to say because the only thing that's what it's saying is to call me dumb right so then i felt good i had a good allen moment i really uh asserted i've said well you see that it says door two south and what's

that sign say uh-huh and the guy was like well it says i was like well what does it say door four south right and i was like right there like right next to it i was like says door two south right there yeah and you actually put me up a door four south not door two south and i was like i also see door three south right there yeah you see what i mean he's like so it's on order yes and he's like oh yeah yeah i do see that and i was like okay so it is confusing he's like i can see where it be confusing all right okay thank you i went thank you well you got a horrible rating i'm sure i did but what a fucking douchehead yeah big cunt especially him being like you're an idiot but i'm like it is confusing i felt good to put it on him and be aggressive where i was like what

does that say right there this is the other door he thought he was gonna get away with his little douchey comment fucking cox but also i'm like yeah i'm not from here i've never been here yeah so this is my first time at door two south and he does it every day all day yeah he's a fucking asshole but anyways that was a fun little nugget that felt good that wasn't uplifting bad lift matthew was his name uh down vote we always talk about it it's i hate these road drivers i like the the middle eastern new york city don't want to talk to you guys give me a quiet turban yes quiet turb all right you got anything you want to throw in because we're at the end of the rope yeah i'll just wrap it up real quick with uh stress factory new brunswick new jersey but you know one of the

east coast staples you got to do this club you know it's a classic stress factory new brunswick hour and a half outside of the city every new yorker's done it it's a biggie they get good good comics over there geraldo croaked there that's right geraldo died there a lot a lot of stories coming out of the new brun of the stress fact it's almost more like a philly in some ways it's closer to philly it's closer to philly yeah so me and ian lara lara he's got a car so i go hey we'll just drive out every night so i was like dude this place is right here and they'll they're gonna give me a car back and forth every night which is nice but i go i'd rather ride with ian yes and these cars that come at like fucking 3 p.m and you get to you get to the the club at like

4 30 i don't want to do that not a pleasant city there's a chipotle and that's it that's it it's sleepy college town not much going on i just don't i like having more daytime in my home of course well my wife sleeps my kids play with their toys yeah so uh ian comes i go well why don't we just fucking leave it to the car was literally coming at four i was like let's leave it six we'll get there at seven thirty and then he texts me he's like the show's at seven thirty i go oh shit all right well let's leave it six forty or five forty five he's like all right so he gets caught in traffic he doesn't pick me up till six twenty uh mucho traffic so now we're on seventh avenue getting that holland tunnel traffic for fucking one hour from my house to the tunnel it takes an

hour that's crazy there's a guy out there with the directing traffic with the big one going come on this way he's got a vest on everybody hates this guy and it's just honky honky and white people and in and in black so finally we get to the tunnel now it's like seven fifteen and we're just out of the tunnel so i gotta text the the club i go hey buddy mucho gracias uh but we're uh we're we're gonna be there at eight oh and he's like oh shit the show starts at seven thirty so he's pissed so now we're just barreling down the highway we show up at eight oh one vinny brand the owner's on stage he's kicking ass up there trying to hold court but he's he probably just got on so we're not that late okay so we finally made we're freaking out the whole time in the car we're freaking out

he gets off ian goes on rips it up i go on a guy is drunk in the front row i'm doing my act i go fuck it this guy's drunk he's done whatever and he falls out of his chair the whole table flips all the drinks go everywhere women screaming babies are gay it was a whole thing so he's on the floor so now i gotta do ten minutes on that finally whatever it's done we get back home at fucking one in the morning vinny talked to me for an hour about the state of comedy come back the next day late again ah jeez it was a nightmare but i go hey ian how about tomorrow you don't even drive just park at my house we'll just take the fucking four o'clock car and call it a date so he goes all right we get out to the stress factor everybody is hammered these shows are tough

yeah they get around and i had a guy sleeping last time yeah it's a whole situation there the last show we had some good sets but the last show i counted five people sleeping in front of me visibly that i could see yikes i got a heckled the whole time that's you what's that that's you yeah that was all my fault five people that's insane insane it was like a sleepies in there so i go jesus christ then ian when we went on he made some guy laugh so hard he fell out of his chair again again a double chair fallout chair fallouts jesus it was a fallout shelter this is like the boat and back draft that's a real obscure reference so uh yeah ian had a joke and the guy started laughing and his glasses fell off so he's laughing while reaching for the glasses and just

fell oh my god boy ian's a murderer we had two chair fallouts that's crazy and they're falling and he was like shaking on the ground he was laughing on the ground so everybody's like this guy's convulsing so eight people ran up to help the the poor kook oh my god and uh the guy's like i'm fine i'm fine but he's still laughing i think he had like a spell or whatever you call it you know you know a fits or a moment whatever you call it but simons yeah so like this uh military guy got up from the other side of the stage and ran over to like hug the guy and everything was fine so just a tough weekend but we got through it and we had some ice cream and finally got back to new york and uh yeah oh and this is the last thing i wanted to say sunday during the day i take the

lady out again because i feel like i gotta gotta give her sunday you know i'm always gone we're walking out we get ice cream we do a little shopping we're on bleaker street everybody on bleaker street is honking this is a wall-to-wall traffic on bleaker which is rare yeah we get up to the light there's a homeless guy sitting in the middle of the street right before the light nobody can get through oh wow everybody's honking on me just sitting there going ah blow me fuck you i like robert redford whatever he's just sitting there and everybody's just staring at him and there's a rich guy in a Mercedes just going leaning on the horn people behind leaning on the horn lean a horn lean a horn yeah and uh so who is lean a horn he has a black actress from the uh

the 50s i believe oh she was very pretty uh sanford always talked about oh lean a horn you know she was the hottest all right so uh so finally this guy walks up hipster white guy with a beard walks up and just sits down next to the hobo because nobody knew what to do what he just sits down next to the hobo and he goes hey man you all right what's going on the whole time and the hobo's like oh but yeah he just tattered clothes filthy guy older older guy and the guy's like why don't you get up and tell me about it over here on the sidewalk and we'll we'll work it out oh my guys are the bum whisperer yes he's a bum whisperer he's a hobo sexual so he the black guy's like all right yeah okay and but this after like seven eight minutes of just honking and uh just traffic jamming

so the black guy goes up he goes all right and the hipster guy goes here take some money he gives him like you know five bucks or something a bunch of ones and the guy's like thank you and he walks off that guy's a hero he's a hero nobody complimented him nobody talked to him he never facebooked about it he didn't tweet about it it was just a good gesture good samaritan and went on with his day i bet he facebooked about it maybe but he earned it wow that's something this should be a statue to that guy in the middle of the street middle of the street sat down no one knew what to do he had a canvas bag looked like a real cunt but he just sat down with the guy and went hey man yeah you're good what's going on he handled it beautifully was and my my girl was like that was fucking sexy

he's so hot i was like all right take it easy he's just fucking wow that is sexy well it's a lot of these you know these hipsters and and uh millennials which we are millennials isn't that weird i know it's odd i don't feel like putting yeah pretty strange putting up but anyways i mean a lot of people they're they're they're good people and they're wholesome i i think that they're all there's a lot more just a little bit misguided but most people are good people and they're trying to live their best lives i believe it i really believe in humanity we're just in a tough time and i think we're gonna work our way out of it well i had a really bad joke this 18 000 people watching all this and i go ah white men evil huh i said that out loud you know and everybody

looked at me like shut up i was like all right sorry yeah yeah it's but nobody likes the white men joke but uh yeah i don't know everything i watch we're all we're all evil so that was a fun moment and uh we left there and that was that and we had our day in new york now where are you gonna be there fat man well this weekend as you know i keep saying keep plugging it maybe it's selling well hopefully it's selling well i'm in dc one of my favorite favorite cities i love dc i love politics i mean i hate a lot of politicians but i love the the sport of it i'm fascinated by it's interesting to me midterms i'm gonna be the dc draft house this weekend i'm jealous and then with matt wane my pal next weekend sacramento punchline 25 26 27 please come out that's a tough

market it sounds like sodas city could have trouble selling that yeah yeah it's a weird location because sand fran is there so it's like it's hard it's tough so come out if you can i loved lady bird october 30 tickets are still available hollywood improv live Tuesdays with stories that's gonna be amazing st louis funny bone november 15 16 and 17 dr grins november 29 30th december 1st then december big month for the gays portland helium charlie a regular just good nights in raleigh philadelphia new year's eve weekend helium please come out start buying tickets now oh that's a fun one i didn't know about that oh yeah uh yeah this weekend i'm at the i think this comes out next week yeah it comes out next week yeah i'm at the cincinati funny bone with chris ale come on

out it's a big room it's in a mall i'm gonna hate myself all weekend then cap city comedy club in austin tejas tex max one of my favorite clubs one of my favorite cities that's gonna be a treat then we're doing the live as well and uh improv hollywood then win a peg already got a couple tweets about people coming out it's a good room win a peg holy hell it's gonna be chilly laughs in seattle that'll be fun then uh i got a mean one in chicago zany's uh one of my favorite cities another great club a lot of twos gays at zany's that's a treat skyline comedy club appleton wisconsin i hear that place's lunch you did your album there yes way back the old album old album the white album pittsburgh improv that'll be cute i like pittsburgh underrated city laugh boston philly

helium and next year and uh raleigh good nights and we're all going to vegas in the cellar too oh yeah that's March 20th is the 24th me mark arie veider vekio at the cellar vega i mean start buying flights for that shit yeah that's like a straight white male 1990s lineup well liz is flying out for it you know yeah she's gonna hang she's gonna come hang so that's gonna be a hot diggity dog oh we gotta amend the live oh we're gonna a woman the election day november 6 live pot is not happening postpone but you and me and sam are gonna be shooting doing the 9 30 show or maybe 9 9 9 o'clock show at the comedy cellar original comedy cellar on mcdougal street the live pot is no longer happening we're gonna get another date for it but that night

keep planning on coming at me and sam and mark are gonna do a triple show november 6 election night yes we're gonna film it so come out we want some gays there we're gonna uh need the gays that's election night it'll be a big and we're both at the comedy cellar on october 23rd i know it's annoying i'm at seven you're at nine maybe you can come to both shows or come to one or or whatever the fuck it is do a nice little a package ticket like if you want to go to both you pay half price or whatever the hell well the thing is they sell out either way yeah that's true we're gonna be fine well pick and choose and be nice yeah i got louis opening for me so uh yeah yeah get it i got louis closing mine so come on out and uh we love you we're gay yell at

your potlay we love the cards we love all of you and tell a friend and write something be nice take care of each other out there we gotta we gotta start taking it back here i mean let's start getting along please for the love of anal and uh you know drop a load on your dad's chest and have a good night praise the farts