Tuesdays with Stories! - #270 Fat Friend Lean In

Episode Date: October 30, 2018

Folks, Mark & Joe thought they lost the first nine minutes of the pod but we left it in because it was gold. Anyway, Mark witnesses a classic subway fight while Joe is breakin' bottles and running into famous gays (not the kind you're thinking of). Check it out! Mark & Joe are doing a LIVE Tuesdays With Stories! at the Hollywood Improv TONIGHT, Tuesday, October 30th at 8:00! Get tickets here! hollywood.improv.com/comedian/tw-ev…RMAND/8600915/ Subscribe to our Patreon where we're crankin' out bonus episodes every week! You can listen on any podcast app! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hello folks it's Tuesday you know what that means it's time for another Tuesdays with stories we're live from the Tuesday what do we call this do we come up with something I can't remember now live at the house it

was apartment it was studios it was list Norman something or Norman lists house Joe mark dome nor list I don't remember we had a thing and then like like an episode we're like this is the name of the new studio we're gonna get a sign and all this it was like sit inside or sit on my face or Muft dive I can't remember call it it was the Norman studios or oh yeah oh I got it what is it it was it was a don't sweat this it was lunch stuff oh yes that's right that's right lunch stuff studios yes SS SS LSS LSS a lunch stuff studio oh I say okay yeah lunch stuff still we're live from the lunch stuff I'm back in my old seat oh that's

why we're shaking I went with the chair maybe get the other swivel but the last week I was a bomb fest I stuck it up now you only thought you did people enjoyed it hasn't come out yet as it was as the time of rest recording now it hasn't come out so who knows I might be off the show that's true I've been auditioning you know what I just came from an audition what helps is having the TV off this is the first time usually have the fucking screensaver and I'm like hey look this Batman's ass I can't have it no batsnatch on this TV we gotta have you focused I just came from an audition these auditions first of all I only get

one every you know a couple years the last one was Charles in charge something like that and you spend all this time five lines hours memorized that's very little though sure that's total for the even if I got it there's five lines those are your sides it's not like those are my sides but it's also the part got it and here's the thing it was for sure I don't want to say the show whatever I don't know what the legal ramifications are whatever the hell it is but give us a taste peeky blinders hasn't come out yet a new show that's in development still in the closet something yeah yeah so as am I so I went to do the part it's like

this guy Paul he's a angry lift customer and this is my line I go I go where are you you just drove by me you gotta make a u-turn I'm here I'm at the place that the address says or whatever that's pretty good I was a good delivery well I didn't deliver it that good cuz I'm nervous and you feel dumb there's a lady there and there's a camera they're behind a table it's very awkward it's stupid you have to mime shit it's like got a steering wheel in your hand exactly you just want to go if I had just give me the part I'll do it I'll do a good job but I'm in there I'm wearing pants and you know a hoodie and the ladies making

fun of me and oh really it's just bad and then I bumped into Julia Gallerati and Abby Feldman so that was nice to see kids and then all the other actors Ronald Reagan the actor they're in ties they got shirts and ties one of us an eye patch they're ready to do the thing I pay that's a bad lift driver depth perception I'm not the lift driver I'm a customer but there's several auditions I'm saying they're auditioned for something out like Julia's got a three-piece suit and a top hat because he's auditioning for you know boys in the hood three or whatever at the circus and you know I mean Abby's just dressed normal she

looks great but there's people in there that are like memorizing their lines and their pace I feel like a goof right I just sit there I mean I'm just literally sitting there listening to some tunes and then they bring me in I spent hours trying to memorize it I'm in there for you got one take one you get one shot and they go that's great and I go all right see it I'm like that sucked yeah what are you supposed to wear you getting picked up by a lift I think this is a proper lift pickup outfit well I think the character is not I don't have to look for the character I have nerd look oh you got that right I have like I'm gonna

date him because he's nice look and I fucked Lena Dunham twice but then she finds out I have herpes and it's like whoa that's a good arc not a bad episode I sent it in they didn't take it damn it they want you know what they want for this is like maybe maybe you but like a Matt Broussard or or Julia would be good there you go I'm not to say those guys have douchey look but they're very handsome guys they're kind of like a chiseled white guy who's like you fuck my lift driver sucks this is me in a lift I'm like I'm so sorry that you couldn't find me I'll run to you stop where you are I'll come find you right

don't hurt my rating I have that look and personality so I don't think I got it but you never know who knows they might go hey we need more nerds or whatever were you supposed to be angry in it like a peeved I'm peeved I mean the line I'm like I get in the car and I go yeah dude sorry this lift driver was fucking all over the place you know I'm like I'm going make a u-turn come back but I didn't I didn't read right I'm too busy trying to make sure I get the line yes that's the key but they want you to riff in there they want oh we got a comedian coming in we better be funny ad lib well they want you to have make

choices for your character I'm just a guy saying a thing I memorized I'm not an actor no that's the point I'm not an actor either I haven't had an audition in years here's here's a weird one I don't know if I'd stop me if I just done this already but I'll look it up when I was in Tampa I got an audition and I'm gonna say what it is because these people fucked me okay there's a new vice show called like pizza guy and it's a good idea basically it's like Pete is a guy pizza like the food because it's not like Pete apostrophe s a guy trans lives matter pizza guy yeah or girl binary so the whole show is there's a

bunch of guy like there's two guys in a room with a TV like cops they're like the what do you call it the dispatch dispatcher and then we all deliver pizzas and so they're watching us all it's like cops you know like okay they're they're going off to that strip club fire and they're going off to that meth lab explosion and they're going off to the pick pocket right but instead of you know felonies it's pizza delivery yes and so the guy delivers the pizza and I go with him as a commentator I'm basically like the guy following the cops going this guy says he did it and I don't know what would you would compare that to but

I would just go say funny shit while he's delivering a pizza so this is like a reality show yeah oh I see but they really order pizza and I used to deliver pizza so I'm in the know oh I say and I'm a comedian so I can commentate yeah this is a good job for you it's a great job so I did a whole thing I got Joe tricker Rico to carry oh I know Joe yeah good artist good artist good egg good comic I paid him 50 bucks I said shoot this thing cuz you need two people they send you these gigs it's like a what do they call a self tape a self tape yeah when you're on the road you got to send a tape send them the tape exactly no one

gets anything from a self tape no one gets anything but I was like I'm gonna nail this I used to deliver pizza I can be funny it's I'll just send him a nice little little sizzle here and he comes over my hotel room we fuck I give him 50 bucks and then he should be his equipment he sets up a light thing he's got a tripod he brought a camera he's got a little lav mic the whole thing wow look at the good camera Joe yeah and we shoot this thing we shoot it again we go it could be funny to say that week we tweaked we rewrote we change things we made choices killed it killed it sent it in never heard back that was eight years

ago well to be fair I wouldn't say they fucked you no I know but I didn't choose you I paid money I had a guy come out with equipment we had a soundboard we had a boom mic we had a light fixture an umbrella the whole thing I mean I can see why you're frustrated yes but that's the brakes I mean that's the business that's like going I did a set I wrote my jokes I memorized them I worked on them I got a camera they didn't put me on code and they fucked me it's like well you maybe weren't what they wanted I hear you but I'm peep because I spent the money and it was good I hate everything I've ever done I hate my

face I hate my asshole I hate my parents but it was good I rewatched I go this is solid he added any put music in it I mean we really it just hurts to spend so much time on something and then get I mean give me a well we like the video but you're not right for the part I'll take a like a response that's the problem off in the ether never seen or heard from again now you're taught now you're on to something you want some some feedback thank you do that with the you submit a packet or you submit a thing cuz Sarah Smith's a lot of writing packets and then you have no idea if you were close or if you ate it like just

send me a back a thing we'll we all laughed our asses off and how horrible this is you need to read an egg you guys we gotta start over spit my face or go you was so close your son of an onion you got to do one tweak or be had a type oh give me something so I can get closer and yes feedback would be good or even we watched it I would even take that we watch it period that's it right I mean that would be annoying but at least I don't even know if they even looked at the fucking thing right that's it's a tough bit I mean it's a brutal biz of course tough biz but it's that's why comedy is so great because you're

getting feedback immediately thank you you go hello boobly boop and shoo booboo they go huh and you go I suck that sucks I gotta kill myself it sucks but at least you know what's what you got something to work with it's like Louis says with the the bombing least you have some data yes you know I know what worked I know it doesn't I could kill myself now with in peace little data peace kill the whole thing I get it well it's fine it's part of the business and the thing was with the auditions is like I don't really care I'd like to be an actual I think the best way to hey folks we just had a weird you wouldn't even

notice if we didn't tell you I don't yeah yeah we fucked up our card was full yes a baloney the sim card fuck brutal so we have to we had some great killer stuff and now we're gonna kind of try to go back and repeat it which never works and recreate sucks and I hate myself and I'm gay oh man it was good we were cooking I don't even know what made it look over there but the big card full card error you fucking fuck I think we lost a good 15 of gold good stuff we're gonna try to repeat it but it was so sincere and so beautiful and genuine we really we figured out the Israeli-Palestinian issue but it got erased so

it's back to it we saw climate change but I can't remember what I said yeah it was something about I was talking about climate change from if they don't want to hear that anyway so you didn't you favor there but here's what I really wanted to get to and I got to repeat the whole thing so I apologize to you try to recreate here folks first and foremost I got the nicest gift of ever received most thoughtful best gift ever in my life including my parents including my wife wow including my sister and my nephew and my niece and my uncle and my therapist and my boyfriend what about the gift of God what's that a gift of gab you mean

oh yeah but yeah Emily I think you're saying it wrong oh wait gift of God that's not real God's gift to women I'm thinking oh that's you all right no I'm no gift I mean unless it's chlamydia yeah and he returned it with the receipt yeah thank God it's returnable because not all of them are if you know what I mean herbs I do I have herpes folks right in my eye well I went there DC I don't know the guy's name this guy tall tall guy all cup of jizz beautiful man he might have a beard few beard hairs maybe long hair yeah gave me maybe was short hair long hair I don't know what he looked like he was white and he was tall all right very

sweet he gave me a leather bound pearl jam book limited edition come on and I'm a collector it was from this they did a show at third man records in Nashville I never even heard of this book or seen it wow and it must be very rare very unique and he's like I want you to have this I did that yeah I can't have this but meanwhile I'm like fucking get out of here this is mine wow what is this guy great you can't accept that I said I can't accept I gave him a can't accept all right you threw it out there he insisted he was very insistent persistent persistent with the insisting incest yes he had sex with his uncle he gave me this book and a patch too

a patchy I'm never sure what to do with a patch I don't know how to sew uh-huh you gotta reap it and I don't have a jacket I need like any like an army jacket yeah you don't have an army jacket I can't just sew a patch on to a brandy Carlisle t-shirt maybe get a hole in your jeans or your knickers and you throw a patch in there watch the language I'm gonna hold my jeans since 85 but um knicker rigged by the way don't you hate when you you you wash your clothes you get your jeans back they're like kid pants they're tight as a drum yeah it's like I'm wearing Macaulay Culkin's pants oh yeah they're Kramer they're painted on I mean all weekend I had kid pants on oh weird well don't let Jared the subway guy catcher and I uh I packed just a backpack and so

I was like a backpack yeah all right I'm glad we uh retract I gotta say this and it's killing me you got a bit of a bug hanging I always have a bug other other nostril all right you got it you got it it was it was right there for the taking and I couldn't stand it well that's funny you mentioned that because DC uh draft house great weekend I just did 20 minutes on it you're gonna hear all of it again good great club I love it great club I love Joyce Sean Joyce rejoices peach oh young men rejoice in that youth lunch club James Joyce uh yes great guy nice luck club James Joyce magnet on my fridge ah he's cute yeah it's a fun quote I can't remember it I'll butcher it but anyways went there thank you for the gift I don't know the guy's name I shook his hand nine times I wanted

to give him a hug you should have hugged the man I got trouble with the hug ah this guy was dying for a hug and he might have been rain man he might have been like if I hugged him or something you never know that's true that's true but I'm dying for a hug anybody give it a little Leather Bounder is uh hoping for a little bit of a snuggle Leather Bounder that's a good name for a sex traveler all right uh well here's the issue though I feel bad I felt bad because this guy lays on me this like hand numbered Leather Bound Eddie Vetter porn I'm like crying I want to blow him I got a heart on and the next kid to stand behind him just hands me like a five dollar Starbucks card yeah that's a tough act to follow he's like here's a coupon two for one melted coffee

ah who the hell wants melted coffee oh Jesus poor kid but hey just for the record I still want those Chipotle so don't let this Leather Bound cunt get in your way I love both oh another guy gave me a cigar and he's like it's a it's a my father the judge he's like I don't know if you like those it's my favorite cigar all time oh here come the judge I cleaned up I got a judge cigar Leather Bound Eddie Vetter Pearl Jam thing and then I got a fucking bunch of Starbucks people like I heard you had too many Chipotle gift cards here's the Starbucks they're listening and the Starbucks is great because you can put it right on your app you just go boop boop and it's in there put it right in your ass man this is great and thank god you packed a backpack because these folks gave you a

bunch of knickknacks show me just Texas he said are you are we still with the podcast equipment what does that mean with the podcast equipment with the but I think he's saying oh we're still fucking with the zoom right now what do you mean he's saying are you still with it like is it still with you oh yeah yeah is it his yeah oh I thought it was ours didn't we buy it well he's saying you're still with the zoom with it was he from LA in the 70s are you with it like he thinks that we left what do you mean like we he thinks we might have recorded something and then just walked away and don't go on to get some ice cream so you you're asking if oh because you emailed him yes is that what happened I emailed him the shitty 10 minutes oh the good 10 minutes the good 10

minutes but we lost the good 20 or whatever yeah we fucked ourselves yeah right so should we ask him should we stop I mean I don't want to fold I would just say yes the people like the behind the anal here okay well we're texting Shelby no longer lives here I'm trying to text and hold the mic yeah you're doing a great day want me to hold the mic is that weird no that's okay I don't want anyone to touch me ever okay so anyways thank you for the gifts I mean they're so you're so kind but I don't want people to think they have to keep one up at each other I don't want someone to show up with the you know a hot air balloon ride and uh yeah and a fucking signed guitar from the band right right we appreciate anything it's so kind and and your money goes to good places I've been giving

to the nature conservancy this is not political everybody if you're a fucking whatever you like animals they're just conserving nature I like that so you know whatever the fuck so I'm trying to give money to good causes and Planned Parenthood they'll take your warts off fellas and ladies pee pee yeah they'll squish your babies right out so yes kill the kids take care of that they it's a Planned Parenthood they prevent abortions yes oh even better but anyway so I'm driving I gotta get into this whole story that I already told but I'll tell it again from the top now you drove to the district of Columbia Casper mattress that I drove down and it's never great to drive Matt Wayne was opening who's hilarious go follow him no Wayne in hell ah Fountains of Wayne

Twitter and Instagram funny guy great guy so we drive down but it's a tough drive because he lives in Park Slope Brooklyn it's a southern Brooklyn neighborhood and I live in Astoria Queens which is as far north as you can go in the boroughs yes you don't count the Bronx who does that's quite a journey it's an hour down there so the car ride back he wants to leave is a big Buffalo Bill's fan uh yes the Sabres wants to leave at 7am so we can Jim Kelly yeah he had cancer 7am he wants to leave DC to go back so I'm like all right we'll leave at 7am I wake up at 7 he picks me up at 8 oh boy that's classic Wayney had a couple beers the night before evidently so he's probably milking a little uh little uh cocktail flu hangover and a Joe the movie so I go and get

us a coffee I get a tea and a coffee the sun is barely up I'm thrilled to go home early because Sarah goes home I want to hear this term dip the dome oh I like that that's a Matt Wayne Pearl he's got a million he's got a hornet in the car love that one flat soda throw out you're being a flat soda bummer of a guy I gotta I gotta dip the dome I mean he's a fun funny guy just a good hang I love a Wayne good egg so he picked me up an hour late I've given him his coffee I got a tea we hit the row we're out we're skating yes let's leave this town in the rear view mirror and not only is it early but it's Sunday Sunday early we got to beat the traffic the whole thing I'm very excited I got a heart on the whole time because I haven't come since Christmas sure Christmas

come all game early this year that's that's a gift I want from the fans what so we're driving for eight minutes we feel great all of a sudden you see the police flashers the lights and some caution tape we got a morning murder on our hands early bird gets the murder oh yeah big murder so we bird we stopped like they're detouring the whole block is shut down yellow caution tape everywhere it's an early murder but I think they stayed up late I see when they went into the day the night went into the day I feel like they didn't set their alarms for the murder right I wake up at seven eight I go kill a friend they weren't a bunch of punctual criminals no punks so we go all right we gotta do punks dammit I missed that we got a detour everyone's detouring to the right we're three

lanes over so I go just take a left we'll just go around this way sure so we take a left and then a right and then a right we're on a one-way road and I'm looking up I got I see the police car I'm like it shut down up there he's like oh fuck he's like god damn it the bills we're gonna be late and all of a sudden I go stop and he goes we run right into caution tape he never saw the caution tape it's like a marathon I think it was like a marathon winner it was like he he's got some eye problems or something this guy so it was like the fucking Kevin McAllister in the van right came right up to our face I'm like how did you not see that there was a whole argument Kevin and we're trying not to show each other that angry side we're new good buddies right

we've known each other for years but you know you get that that car ride tired it takes a couple years to get a meltdown in you want to be like shut the fuck up your piece of shit what do you got red hair you lose it right your foot buffalo they stink so he's like you're a fucking herpes nerd and we're kind of jarring a little bit all right let's keep it cool he's milking a hangover there too so he's on no sleep with a hangover and gay he's got a lot of obstacles so now these stinky DC cops they only flag it down right where the the scene is like why don't you put the fucking sign back there yeah because now we gotta back up now we're backing up the wrong way on a one way on a one way we're going backwards one way cars are coming at us he's freaking out Thurmond Tom it's

the whole thing missing the game finally we get around we circumvent all the morning murder and we hit the road running hit the ground running and then did I talk about white reap was that in the beginning yeah yeah that get erased I think I got erased I think we got that in I don't think so all right dip the dome on the white reaper all right you gotta hear this band white reaper that's all I'm saying you like there's a new hip band a new band we like a white reaper I did a whole thing about it we fucking lost it I think or maybe you're getting double they might be getting double double dip in the dome double dome dip white reaper killer band they sound like cheap trick the whole thing mother surrender okay the original version of all these stories was really good

stuff don't focus keep riding the high ironically that shirt is a cheap trick spoof ah the font yes the font the whole thing is a cheap trick Fonsi hey um anyways check out white reaper DC draft house great room love Sean Joyce great conversations we had great talks the whole weekend love Joyce great room there's a one with a list of mania shirt those are so rare wow she's a VIP member signed her shirt so many great fans came down and then I did a little pow wow with some new comics that were veterans they I met this guy named Sam Presley they do this whole program where it's like comedy for people that are veterans they're dealing with PTSD and such now what do you what do you get paid for this no pay they volunteer Joyce just throws it out there

like hey I hate to bug you would you want to do this and you go no no Joyce this is the guy the guy that runs the thing what thing the group oh PTSD people hit you up yeah we did a podcast together at the comedy seller months ago and he said if you're ever in DC and you want to come and talk to the vets that are trying to do stand up I said sure I'm happy to help I'd like to be I'd like to help anyway I can you know sure trying to be the difference I want to see in the world you know who I'm giving to the nature conservancy I'm sucking plant paranoid stick yep you're sucking their pee pee about a homeless guy a sandwich too which was fun wow man Matt Wayne trying to really he's got a home I bought him a sandwich though several and a beer this fucking guy geez what a

mooch yeah white reaper uh so reaping the benefits I go and do this thing it's four in the afternoon now so many things you you commit to surely early on hate committed you go I want to be a good guy you got some veterans I'll come and talk to him I'll cheer him up I'll bring him candy the whole thing veterinarians then the time comes you get that email just confirming four p.m. tomorrow and then you start you know faking a limp you pretend you got a cold you're going oh my god I can't do it my aunt is dead yeah you're pro ISIS and then um when the time comes around and then what's ironic about all this you never want to commit and then it's time to do it and you're like I'm just watching some shitty football game and jerking off good point but that sounds pretty good it's not

bad so I wait till halftime I pull my pants up I go over there a great group of guys and girls men and women always better to do I sit down we talk comedy these guys they asked all these questions and they took notes and stuff it was fun and sweet and then you realize I love talking comedy I love talking I could do it all day all night it's fun you go you should do this you could do this and some people like to do that and the beautiful thing about comedy I got emotional I was like the thing about comedy that's great and yada yada boop-boop-boop this is all off the seat of your dick yeah I'm on stage it was almost like a pocket I'm on stage with the guy Sam he's kind of he's moderating it I see and there's about I don't know 20 comics there Jesus and

they're going they're asking questions we had a great time great talk a lot of fun I felt like I helped serve the comedy community and I don't know if I helped them with their whatever they're dealing with emotionally but you probably took them out for a second a little escapism but hey I hate to tell you this vets but comedy's harder than war it's uh it's difficult I feel weird I'm like wow it's very painful and I was like that that's a relative term of course you know I'm like sometimes you bomb also a relative term sometimes you kill yeah sometimes your friends eat it no offense oh boy you know that kind of thing sure but a couple chucks or they just a lot of chucks they were really nice and sweet and just good people and they were listening and you could

tell that and then they all came to the show which was nice wow look at that which is a lot of pressure because you don't want to talk for an hour about how you got where you are and how to do it and then just eat your balls and be like well forget everything but yeah it was a good crowd and just a great room great weekend I love the the ladies that run it there uh Jenny and I forget the other lady's name I fucking I say lady makes it sound like she's 70 the woman she's young young woman the veg uh Joyce is great it's a great room they run it well Joyce knows what he knows comedy he's why he's got wisdom that egghead yeah I really uh great guy and just a good hang great time thank you to all the fans all the Starbucks gift cards the Chipotle gift cards

the pearl gem book I don't know your name I want to hug you I want to blow you I love you yeah and the cigar the judge I spoke the judge and here comes the judge that guy come to my show leather brown I'll give you a goddamn hug and a kiss on the old cheek yeah you're good good people so uh that's that's basically it for DC and there's some other stuff I wanted to get into but why don't I kick it over to you or should we read this ad real quick all right hit me with the ad we got a Casper business all right I love Cal let me just say from personal exp I have a Casper I've had it for 17 years this thing is beautiful it's never lost its sink it's got just the right bounce I've slept on it the ladies had sex on it with another guy and my parents had sex on it I love the Casper

it's perfect it's light you don't need a box spraying like a freaking hobo this thing's uh it's it's changed my life comes in a little tiny box it plumps when you cook it throw it right on the the uh the slats yes you're good to go don't forget to use the promo code Tuesdays you got to use that promo code Tuesdays the products are cleverly designed to mimic human curves ooh you got that right yeah it's nice stuff so uh you can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk free sleep on it trial you get 100 nights to sleep on the wow for free and you won't be sending this thing back it's gonna change your anal it's really great it's convenient it's a you got a big selection over there the essential streamline designed at a price that won't keep you up at night I can tell

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on comedy all right let me just say this ah wane very funny is a two-man show in DC right two-man show supposed to be a one-woman one-man show but Sarah bailed on me my wife yeah my wife canceled on me what she ever owned solo show uh you know an Edinburgh she had a gig in uh Boca Raton Florida and then she texted like I really regret this I'm like we could have been in DC having some fun but she got a good it was paid better so you gotta do what you're gonna do you know what I mean dipping the dome in there in the big uh apple no not apple capital capital apple's kind of in there the capital yeah I like it oh boy great weekend I can't believe we lost that ah it was gold oh my god there's so much good stuff on there let me throw this out there and

I'm gonna try to do this all off memory because it happened in a flash I even thought about writing it down as it was happening but I couldn't I didn't want to let go of it because it was such a uh an event I was witnessing life happens in flashes yes flash me so I'm going up to the Bronx oh I got a random gig from a one guy I'm not gonna say his last name but Frank up Franky Franky upstate Frankie we'll call him upstate so yeah gig up Bronx no no hang on oh all right Bronx only uh attached to the mainland the whole thing that's true yeah the only uh one syllable burrow my queens fuck yeah I don't think forget I said anything put a put a hot poker in my ass all right so this guy Frankie upstate Frank goes hey I got a gig for you we sell this thing out you'll make

you'll make a pretty penny and uh I'm talking good numbers here okay I was like what are the odds of it selling out he's like well we just had one last week that sold out okay all right who was that though was it Gaffigan or was it another guy who was I think less credentials than me oh really so I was like if that schlub sells it out I should have a pretty good shot but who knows if Frankie's lying whatever it's lovely so I go hey Doug Key I get a I get to your place will you drive us up say he's got a nice little ride there so he goes you got it fatty so I you know throw him a couple bucks and I figure hey I'm gonna clean up on this thing so I'll just give you a ton of money so he's like well can you meet me in the Bronx because that's where I work he works in an old folks home he

helps old people fuck or something wow yeah well that guy's got it made in the shade great body well he works on that nice money and uh you know he helps people out he works on all those things I don't know what that means he's got some things some negatives yeah he's got a pointy face or whatever but I don't understand that he works on that he works on all these things I'm not trying to he's got a free ticket oh okay okay I'm saying he's got it made he's not he's never made he's got a great body she's got a great body buddy all right so sorry I go up to meet him in the Bronx and you know I go oh it's off the two I live off the two I can just pop right up and it'll take me 20 minutes but boy was I wrong he goes meet me at 630 so I leave the house at like

550 yeah we're hanging out that day yes and uh I was way late the Bronx is a year away just click click click click click click it's like the roller coaster but you never go on the down swoop you just keep going up and it's boring I'll get out of Hunts Point you'll see a down swoop oh yeah some down syndrome so I get up to the Bronx and I'm waiting and now the train's above ground that's when you know you're in the Bronx like oh you're looking around it's just you know burning buildings and cars on fire so you're like holy shit this is crazy and uh I'm standing up it's a pack train I'm the only white guy on except for one old white lady she's the only other white person which I don't bat an eye at but uh it it plays into the story sounds like you batted

no batting hey batter batter so train stops this lady gets on like kind of a uh a sexy black lady gets on with some guy I assume is the bf they're pushing a stroller the strollers got a bunch of shit in it she's holding a baby uh-huh she sits down with the baby the guy standing up with a stroller and this lady goes if you hit my foot again with that stroller there's gonna be trouble who's he said that to to the guy some other lady said that oh a lady was sitting there already so that's I'm trying to paint an anal here there's a lady sitting here then the mom sat down across from her on the other side of the subway car and he's in the middle with the stroller so he goes oh shit sorry whatever you know my bad and then and he hits her again apparently and she goes you hit me

again now I'm pissed and the one with the baby holding a sleeping baby a one year old a toddler goes don't fucking talk to him like that and she's like I'll talk to him whatever I want and these are just two gals just snapping back and forth and the guy with the strollers going all right take it easy come on what's going on here and she goes I'll fucking kill you and the mom goes I'll fucking kill you and they're just going and now it's like bitch I'll fucking kill you and then the the girl is getting her foot rolled on she's got a gigantic lady with her like this lady with like big fat Latina with glasses and she goes bitch I'll fuck all y'all like she's going nuts oh god the mom goes you want to do this you want to do this I'll do it right here I don't play you want to get cute

they're doing all the mommy and the poppies I'll fuck you up poppy I'll fuck you up mommy she's still holding the baby holding the baby oh and the guy with the strollers going all right all right Jesus Christ what are you doing because he's like I can't hit these women but I gotta help my my they were friends I think uh-huh and uh so now the fat friends leaning in this is the pack train so you're yelling through people standing oh my god a fat friend leaning fat friend leaning going bitch I'll fuck all y'all up fuck you and fuck your mother and I'll eat that baby for lunch with a little you know crouton so they're like oh you talk about my baby and she's like and then now other women are trying me and going mommy mommy that's that you're you got your baby with you

relax you can't be starting shit with the baby and then she goes I'll do whatever I want she's swinging the baby like a shirt around her head like a helicopter and uh so now the lady the mom throws all the shit out of the shore just throws it on the ground you know it's like cups cans cans all kinds of shit stuffed animal baby in there puts the baby and the baby's out the baby's well that's nice she put the baby away at least put the baby away and she's standing above these two going what what now what now you want to get cute you want to get that that and this old white lady goes madam please I'm just standing there I'm like a foot away from all this I got the nice you know the nice spot by the door where you're next to the seat yeah and uh I'm just

watching all this but I'm pretend I got my earbuds in but I secretly scrolled up on the iPhone and pushed pause yeah obviously I gotta listen to this it's gold and I am loving it I am loving it reminds me of my youth seeing this shit on the bus when I was a kid and I have nothing to do with it I can't be sucked in I've been sucked in before yeah you gotta be careful you can get sucked in because it's like one of those like cartoon balls the dust yeah the dust with the feet and all of a sudden you're in it exactly and I've been sucked in like what you looking at white boy I've had that moment that's the worst moment of my life yeah so I go I'm just standing there I knew I was safe I knew I was good and I thought should I film this like and I'm not gonna film I'm just gonna enjoy

it fuck it also if you get caught filming oh that's a whole world star episode could have made for a patreon though I guess I could have audio'd yeah damn it what are you gonna do all right this is good enough so they're just going at it going at boo boo boo but fuck you mommy I'll cut that girl cut you up I'll cut you and your baby and then I'll shit in your mouth and then I'll have you for dinner the whole thing and the poor guy I think he might have been a homosexual was just like hey come on now Jesus stop it but no one's even listening to him he's out to lunch and uh eventually they get to their stop and the door opens and she goes right up to the two latinas and goes fuck you bitch fuck you bitch and walks off then the two women get up what

open the door like block the door now the door can't close and so the big lady's going this is my stop too now fuck all y'all oh my god and the guy's going with the straw going all right take it easy take it easy they go out on the platform doors close they do get out what right down in the trains everybody in the whole train went up to the window like it was safari like holy shit look at this and they just had it out on the fucking platform and we just kept going oh I wish you jumped out what are you kidding I was late for the gig I know but I wanted to do what happened well I'm sure that baby's on the tracks because it's like one of those movies where the credit starts rolling when you're like what it can't end like this right oh it ended baby who

I mean that baby's dead the fat lady's gay she sang it's over that was just a random Wednesday gee whiz the Bronx I mean it does not disappoint yeah it's wild up there it is and this is not even like a racial thing I'm just saying that was a that had to be talked about yeah that's something else I told you I think that story before where my friend's girlfriend at the time they were on like the four five train she was like kooky and being like whoo like singing being like a goof and this she was just being like loud and annoying just like a young white woman and this guy was like you better shut the fuck up he's like this train's going to the Bronx lady oh I think it was just like you can't fuck around on this train here yeah these are Bronx people well they'll

fucking smash your head through the wall yeah I mean this happened just because a stroller wheel hit a woman's shoe that was the whole start yeah that seems unreasonable they say the sixth train is always the highest in like fist fights and but whatever it's because it goes to the Bronx yeah it goes and comes and goes yeah so but the tough tough area up there they're underprivileged yeah it's a tough time I read the great book random family by my friend uh Adrienne the blog oh Adrienne Nicole the blog tremendous book really yeah she's writing a book on comedy now and has been for 10 years yeah I remember you want a good read go check out uh random family one of the best books ever have you read the Bronx is burning ladies a gentleman the Bronx is burning yeah that's

one of my favorite books I gotta read it it's tremendous I think I have it somewhere although I might have given it to somebody then you let people the books they don't you don't get them back you got that side filled book right back right yeah I got that one back it took a few years but yeah it happens ho ho folks here we go gotta tell you about a way I was a duffel man I could admit when I'm wrong and now I'm all suitcase folks I'm a suitcase I gotta I got in a waybag here they sent this one I love this thing I go on the road every weekend I take it this thing is tough it's strong but it's light as hell and it's got the battery pack it's got a combination lock so you can't get in this puppy I bought one from my lady she loves it it comes in different colors

you can get different sizes the biggie the overhead the carry on whatever you want this thing is a peach I can't push it enough it's got great wheels 360 degrees it's got the nice what do you call that arm thing you pick it up I usually just lift it up by the arm I can go up 20 stairs with it just the arm will never break this thing is durable it's like a little tank but yet it's super featherweight I don't know how they do it it's the perfect luggage for me it's a first-class luggage at a coach price you gotta get one and I'll give you a hundred day free trial you don't like it you send it back for a full refund come on these people believe in themselves and I believe in them go away get the away luggage 20 off a suitcase if

you visit away travel dot com and use promo code Tuesday you got that folks away travel dot com promo code Tuesday during check out 20 bucks off can't beat that they're giving you $20 there so give it a whirl check her out and god love you go away all right well yeah so now I'm late to the gig I finally meet Doug Key up and you know feels like the North Pole and then you finally get the card he's like where the hell you been I was like there was a whole thing I'm sorry we get to the gig there's 20 people there zero money but I get a text from a friend she's like I see her in the the place I was in Pleasantville oh fun these towns are so cute and quaint well Westchester is delightful it's delightful and it's huge got married in Westchester that's right I was there

and so she goes hey I see her up in Pleasantville 15 minutes down the road is my bar show you should come so we do that gig wow and it's fun because you go up to these gigs and there's these young comics and they go up before you and they're trying they're they're working they got every now that you're like oh wow that is a brilliant joke of course and I'll never see this kid again and that's the weird thing about comedy like if you write one good song you'd be a hit yeah when you write one good joke you might be a hit you probably won't you probably live in hell you're probably an open miker and you'll die alone well if you have one good joke you stink I guess yeah unless it's a 45 minute joke yeah that's a good point but that sucks but you could

probably put it online and go viral I mean that's what Angela Johnson did yeah but you're still I'm not saying she's sick but you still stink if you have one good joke and the rest aren't good right that's a bad comedian but I'm saying if you put that one clip online and that's all people know they go this guy's amazing clip on tie haha so go do the other bar shows just kind of fun like we're hopping around Westchester doing gigs I know doubling up in Pleasantville you don't see that every day well the other one was in Yorktown oh yeah it was a real rough bar show it's a bunch of townies blue collar guys it was a fistfight during the show they had to be thrown out just some good rough and tumble and then uh got the hell out of there and we drove back to the city and boy

you kissed that that ground when you get back to the the Manhattan well here's the thing about New York we were talking about it's the travel it sucks traveling in and out of New York but once you're back and out of the car it's a glorious place to be alive glorious yeah this it's a real ecosystem in Manhattan you know like even you go to Brooklyn and Queens and back you feel a little different there's like a shift right you know once you're back in the bubble I mean I live here so it's weird maybe that's why I feel it but yeah so then I went to Cincinnati had a whole thing there and there at the the comedy club the funny bone and now I'm back so what are you cooking I don't want to I don't want to veer well how about this this was speaking of New York traveling being in

New York it's a real just a step on the balls when you get back to New York as you're like oh right it's fucking New York we drove back like I said Matt and I took forever we get back he could to he drops you off in parks it doesn't even drop me off I just jump out of the car like that's good enough I'll get out of the car yeah I'm gonna take a lift but I gotta piss I've been holding the piss and I wanted to piss but I didn't want to say Matt can we piss because he's got the goddamn bills game he's gotta watch so I got I'm just holding it in I'm in agony what I'm like is he at a bar his apartment I think he streams it at his apartment so couldn't you go pee in his place yeah but he's got a wife now you have to go upstairs and meet the wife we've never met you

can't just go hi I'm Joe piss and leave it's gotta be like a nice to meet you finally and like who knows Sunday she might be a t-shirt no bra that's a thing now there's a nipple situation the shirt's too short and like he's like knock and slowly open be like there's a person here yeah she's like fuck you no one wants I get that nobody wants the dip in yeah because you're breaking into my comfort zone and her comfort zone that's what I mean yeah it's too much so I go all right I'll see you later so I go into a pizza place I'm not even I'm hungry but I don't feel like pizza I want to go meet my wife dip the dome eat the food but I go I gotta piss so I go in and I'm gonna order a slice of pizza so I can use the bathroom but first I gotta make sure there's a bathroom because

some of these things don't have bathrooms then you bought a slice you don't even want and now I'm sitting and eating and drinking a coke with an already full bladder I'm in double trouble yes so I walk in I go hey how you doing you guys have a bathroom here and the guy's like oh and I was like well so do you have a bathroom and he's like just go use it just go use the damn bathroom holy which is frustrating because like I was gonna buy a slice yes I just wanted to make sure so now I go to the bathroom like now there's no way I'm buying a slice from this fucking piece of shit good for you and now it's fucking I'm in there and I'm in there like 40 me probably thought I was like you know decorating the walls and wipe my ass with soap or whatever just really

doing a spray wash on that wall but it just takes a half hour to piss and then I walked out without any guilt I was like so long thank you because I'm like I have no desire to use your bathroom right the guy's just a jerk he could have just been like yeah sure yeah and he would have gotten three bucks yes more I mean a pizza slice is probably three plus a coke is a buck 50 uh-huh then there was this fun little nugget we stopped at the one time we did stop on the way home we stopped at some rest stop he got gas I bought us some waters and I go Matt check this I did a little cocktail you throw the water up behind your back and then catch it under your leg didn't make the catch hits the ground and just shatters everywhere it was plastic but it was

like a hard bottom plastic the bottom just blew out like a shotgun wow blue water went everywhere I look up and I'm like I'm so sorry and it's got teenage african-american lady working there she just starts howling laughing she's like that was hilarious and I was like I'll pay for it I'm so she's like you don't have to pay for it what are you crazy she's like that was the highlight of my day so she throws that in the trash gives me a free water which is indoors indoors were you indoors with the throw yeah yeah it was like a big highway rest stop thing oh I think you made it out to the sidewalk to meet him by the pumps no it's before I bought it I hadn't even bought it as a four dollar water fuck you you fucking sons of bitches oh thank god she was nice it was a classic

listy move though when you try to get everyone's attention you're like watch this right you don't make the play and it breaks everywhere oh boy I had to dump out the whole water it was really nice but she only charged me for one which was pretty sweet all right nice lady all right and I got this other thing first I got a couple little things then I went to Shake Shack late night after the everyone listens to the part they remember things the guys like hey was there two people fighting at Shake Shack like last time like I remember that was two years ago man leather bound I go to Shake Shack and this is what you never want one night we went to Shake Shack together Matt and I the next night he went out with his friends I go to Shake Shack again Sarah calls it Josie D which

is a fun I like it said of OCD Josie D I love that I gotta eat the same thing every night it's a whole thing I came up with Sarathon that's when I hang out with her for a while I love it these are great puns so we go into uh I go I go in to Shake Shack and you never want this I'm just sitting there and there's two people behind me go pardon me great show we really loved it and I'm like oh thank you people at the show at the fucking burger joint now they can hear my order it's a whole thing it's double cheese what's the comedian gonna get I'm like no special sauce just beef cheese and bun now I'm sitting there like a sad sack right and they're like sitting across from me I can see them like peeking over and I'm so terrified they're like do you want to join us because I just

look like a sad loser douche you're all alone after telling jokes the sad clown I was up there with leather pants pacing going though here's the thing about ladies and men and I'm just sitting at Shake Shack it's like seeing Jagger eating a hot dog alone that's embarrassing but anyway so that happened and then then lastly I just want to throw this one last thing this happened last night and then I'm done for the rest of my life no don't quit on me Sarah and I got a few people lined up Sarah and I went to the movies last night city cinemas one two three across from Bloomingdale's third avenue great cinema one two three it's so easy ready I don't know what you're doing oh you don't know that song what song is that

uh I can't remember the rest of it I don't either easy like taking candy from a baby call in if you know that yeah I don't it's the white white reapers all right well we'll let that right out but uh so I went to city cinemas one two three we go see the movie the new most most McCarthy joint which Chris Lambert is in I heard this unbelievable I love the lamb it's so exciting you go that's Chris look at his we're hitting each other everyone's looking at us like shut up and I'm like sorry we know the guy yeah he's a great egg yeah he's like a movie buff he's like a movie fan who's in a movie we're like it's very happy for him very excited oh yeah he's a cute kid but anyway so that was fun saw the

movie I didn't love the movie that's the whole other thing I'll put that on the patreon whatever it was fine that's the one where she's the writer she plagiarizes letters yes yes and uh yeah I want to give too much away and it's directed by mariel heller who directed Dyer for Teenage Girl which I love I thought that movie was like masterful this movie's well done I just didn't I wasn't particularly interested is she can she pull off a non-slip on a banana peel fat lady oh yeah she's great it's a great performance she's terrific all right I just was like I don't want to get into a whole movie review but it's fine you might it's it's it's fine it's good whatever uh but then we're leaving and I see you ever hear this guy gay telly's gay yeah I saw his documentary he's all

right the one about the voyeur yes yes so he's in that I saw him he was at the film what yeah walking out I go that's gay he's a gay he's got the the top hat the the stetson or whatever it is he's a three-piece very dapper yes dapper 86 years old his wife is 84 she's dapper-ish not as dapper she's got a sweat pant on and a cane and I'm just watching him I'm fast I'm like this guy's amazing I'm he's like used to do like sports writing he's in all these sports documentaries I mean the guy fucking covered Babe Ruth or whatever the hell yeah he's 125 years old I thought AIDS would have taken him by now no he's not actually gay that's just his name oh well he's got a hell of a sir name yeah he's a sir name is Tilly's gay is just his name gay is a lifestyle his name and sir name and

then whatever that sir name works with gay because it's a sir but back then gay was like a common name I think gay lord that was a name gay lord Perry gay Tilly's that was a last name gay lord yeah you could be gay lord gay lord gay gay that'd be something that's a tough life that's a lot of gay we should name our kids get which why don't we bring that back gay I like gay there's gay what about lesbian I don't know that that one Leslie is Leslie I don't know if I could buy normand who sounds like a painting by normand by normand but anyways I see gay and I'm just staring at him I want to say hello but I'm like I don't actually know his work I just know him from like sports century the guy's been like right he's been

like a journalist and writer for 75 years I can't be like I like what you said about Mickey Mannell and that documentary two years ago he's renowned I guess I mean he's renowned but I've never read it I've never read his renownness he's at least loved he's a legend he's got a feather in his cap well he's got some serious controversies though recently oh he steals well one no he doesn't steal he did he wrote a book about a guy that was full of shit he didn't do any background right the guy's like clearly lying he wrote this book about a voyeur it's a documentary on Netflix and then he but he itself was like this book is trash I shouldn't have made this book I didn't do a good job checking this guy's story sure but his controversies were Kevin Spacey that came out

and he was kind of like he was like can you imagine losing everything for something you did 10 years earlier that kid should just get over it fuck him he said that he kind of had like a harsh Kevin Spacey thing damn that's gay and then he also had a thing where they asked him about his favorite women writers and he's like I don't really have any wow he's like I don't really but his wife is a writer which I thought was it like just say your wife yes I'm like just throw it out there so he's got some but here's the thing that people that's a lit he's allowed to have his opinion well he's from the 40s this guy the guy was born in 1936 so sometimes I think I get it like I get frustrated with political correctness but I also think we do need to progress and like we your mind changes

you know like oh I see when I was saying that that was bad so I understand but some of these people the guy's 80s like don't worry about him he's gotta be dead in three weeks yeah he just started the last movie of his life last night right he's his name is gay he's from another time yeah don't worry he's wearing a three-piece suit to the movies and he's shitting in his fucking felt pants so don't worry about him yeah I felt that you know you know what I mean but anyway I saw him he's on the way out that was exciting yeah he'll be dead by the end of this podcast did you get a photo of him no I didn't do anything I didn't yeah I froze up well here's what happened they couldn't get in a cab first of all he put his he's holding his wife's hand then he put his hat in his mouth he's

his teeth we could hail a cab because he couldn't let go of his wife because his wife is like an old bag of bones oh yeah I mean a breeze she'll be shattered these people are old I mean they're brittle geezers yeah like Manhattan is no place for the old when the wind blows right through you it's no place for the old no no no it's I mean it's just uh oh it's the cab that comes at an angle almost hits them and then they couldn't get it I mean I'm not joking it took four minutes to get into the cab and I was kind of standing next to him like I don't know how to help but I don't want to offend him I thought it but like you don't want to fucking touch your ass pushing her up and then but he wouldn't care he doesn't give a shit about the movement you could pop a hip

pushing her into the back exactly I don't want blood on my hands old lady blood prune juice so they got in the cab they saw themselves off we went home we got Chinese food we dipped the dome we ate the wings whatever the fuck I love Matt Wayne I love Sean Joyce I love DC I love the fans and uh and gate to lease never read gay but I recognize him he's a good dresser and uh for a gator rent all right you take us home would you all right putting the mic in my ass I'm done talking that was good stuff the shack the to lease no I think it was good I'm just saying I've been saying too much all right uh hold on I got one more all right I'm kidding no I'll just say I went to Cincinnati did the gig all you know in a mall funny bone the whole thing it's in this town called Liberty

yes which is like Kentucky what it's in Kentucky now it's in Ohio but you land in Kentucky so you land it's a whole thing you land in Kentucky you drive through Cincinnati to get to Liberty which is like a suburb of Cincinnati it's not the one on the other side what's that one no that's comedy caravan or the laughing derby or I thought it was a funny one on the other side also well there's go bananas no go bananas isn't since a but then there's one on the just on the other side of the river uh well this is in Ohio okay because I made the joke 18 times about like where the hell am I they're like Ohio I'm trying to think of what the club is right across it doesn't matter all right so you know do the whole thing every show Thursday night

was insane so hot Chris Allen's opening he cooks at Adrian Cosby's hosting we have a great night great times Friday is great we go to Waffle House every night just to recoup we didn't have any booze it's sober October we're trying to go for it we ate a lot of shit though we just eat waffles and ice cream and our ass I was Chris eating I worry about him he was eating all right but he would double up on those wafs like a real pregnant lady yikes but but he's not drinking and he exercises quite we both went to the gym together which is always awkward but we actually had a good time that's nice and then uh Saturday early show sold a lot of tickets whoa you see the numbers after and it's always embarrassing to hide their numbers the numbers show you who bought

a ticket who was comped I know and it's you're always like hey look at this 200 people here I'm doing all right must be all those Jim and Sam episodes what's all those Tuesdays coming out and you're like ah they were all papered yeah you move over a column and it's a depressing column but Saturday early show usually the best show of the weekend people are rested it's early they're not drunk yet you're gonna have a zing of a time it's gonna be a lunch set bomb horrible like what's that you said such a bad bomb that I couldn't even like it's one thing you don't have to think I'm funny you don't have to get like my jokes but they weren't even getting that they were jokes like it was just going confused right over the head you know I'd say like uh

gays are great huh they're not violent you never see any gay gangs that would just be a musical they're like yeah I guess that would be a musical no it's a joke it's lots so that was just one of those sets where you're just going like there's a guy in the front row there's a table of four and they all have their sunglasses on the back of their head they got shaved heads you know those cunts those douchebag guys yeah and they're just staring at me like what are you doing like who told you you should do this and then they checked their phone every now and then and at one point I lost it I was like do you get this do you get why that's funny he's like now and I'm like I broke it down he's like okay oh I'm like wow the breakdown vapid the breakdown is brutal hate a breakdown

and the song I love the song how's that go breakdown go ahead and give it to me I'm thinking of the movie break down on a take me through the night white reaper yeah one two three I think it's smoky Robinson I don't know so and the miracles no no miracle he had an abortion so uh just a brutal bomb Saturday late show was fine but everybody that that's Cincinnati it's one of the better funny bones Liberty funny bone all the other shows were great just that one where just they don't even understand what you're doing with your life and I always shake people's hands after the show I want to apologize to the Tuesdays because I didn't go up there and Chris went up and he was like a lot of people were looking for you I was like I couldn't do it

then we had a one hour queef in the green oh nice talk about our dads wow couple queefs out to get on the Patreon we got some serious queefs oh yeah big stuff and this was like deep I don't even know how funny it was we do an hour we said what's the best thing your dad ever did for you and we went all three each told our own story what's the worst thing you did for you it's just it's heavy wow well the queefs aren't always killer these are these are special these are different they're weird there's guests it's a it's a situation we went deep folks deep dish and uh yeah then I flew back I had the same thing as you I had a the seller has a brunch show at two o'clock I'm familiar my spot is at 230 I land at one I got an hour and a half to get to the

West Village from Newark easy peasy on a Sunday can't wait we're flying in an Uber tunnel traffic there's a wreck in the tunnel now the guy's going should I take the Lincoln it's now or never you have to decide Lincoln or stay on the Holland I go I don't know what do you think I always say what everything is fastest I go I don't know it's up to you and then we start googling it we do the ways it's all red it's period blood as far as I can see I go fuck it stay on the Holland takes an hour and a half I get there at like fucking three and they had to do some switching and swatching but we got there did the set those crowds are killer I only did one and everyone there was like it's never been this bad it was the worst show I've ever done as a seller

legitimately the worst seller show I've ever done well you get the free breakfast it pays 50 bucks and then you just you're on with your day you know you got a set in and the sun's still shining yeah the brunch is tough for me because I live an hour from the cellar on a weekend so it's a whole but it's a whole situation I do a five-minute walk I get a stack of pancakes and a hand job and I come home not bad not bad so where are you going to be there fat all right well tonight is the big night it's not too late come on out Hollywood improv it's not too late make a decision come down I mean maybe this seats left who knows for Christ's sake they're pretty full out when I checked last week they were pretty sold but there's still some left wow so tonight Hollywood improv

Henry Phillips dick batter on Burt Chrysler we got to confirm with all these people by the way oh yeah well I texted Burt not too long ago hey I'll see you on the 30th and he wrote yeehaw or something like that okay good glad he knows well he's the most important of them but uh I got St. Louis funny bone coming up in a few weeks the 15th to the 17th I think it is love that club Sarah will be with me if she doesn't cancel on me which one St. Louis oh fun yeah that's a fun one so come on out to that Grand Rapids coming up at the end of November beginning December December is a huge month good nights in Raleigh uh Helium Philly December 27 28 29 and also uh Portland Helium oh I can't wait to go do that love that club that's the first weekend in December

wow and uh a lot of a lot of hot stuff coming up go on the Patreon there's a ton of stuff I mean there's like hours at this point yeah it keeps building up it never goes away nope nope ton of queues from all over the world a ton of bonuses with just the two of us and uh the live episodes tonight's live episode will be up there soon so this is the best time to get on the Patreon go do it thank you for all the gifts and we really appreciate them and uh I'm sticking our money in good places here yes nature conservancy and other things like that dip the dome folks thank you I'll be in Winnipeg this weekend at rumors comedy club I love that club the great white way of Canada then I will be at uh Skyline and Appleton will be at Lafts out in Wisconsin Lafts in Seattle

Seattle Tuesdays I know you're out there come to Lafts two nights Friday Saturday then I'm gonna hoof it up to Malibu for my manager's wedding highly regretting saying yes to that but Malibu is always nice that's beautiful then Zany Chicago love that club love that city Tuesdays Lord knows you're in the shy town second city suck my dick Pittsburgh improv uh doing oh I'm doing Long Island uh that that that movie theater gig oh that's a fun one where the guy's fought cinema arts I think it's called her cinema farts who knows cupches on my face then uh Laft Boston Pittsburgh improv helium and Philly Raleigh what do you call it good night so a lot of fun stuff a lot of queuing a lot of anal we got Ari Shafir we got Chris Allen we got the whole gang

on there so praise Allah blow your father kiss your mother we'll see you in hell Newport huh that was the one in Kentucky I was been killing me Newport funny bone all right Newport thanks Kentucky suck my ass and we'll see you in hell all right take care of each other I love you you