Tuesdays with Stories! - #272 Trainsitioning

Episode Date: November 13, 2018

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hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy was a dissapointed they might be more unbubbly I took the Haitian pill hold here it comes here it comes

, I think you just got a boom boom yeah I think I got something wrong with me far too much ill drop a bomb I gotta move on all right oh yeah Alexa stop we're gonna bounce around a little bit yeah bounce don't bounce it out though maybe should I shit we're gonna shit on Mike if you're shitting we can't pause this I think we can pause maybe I'll hold it we gotta start over yeah use it I took the Haitian pill

but you're talking about this last week right will give me some wacky voodoo pill yep and I was afraid to take it but then Donnelly took it and he said it was good and I read some Amazon reviews they all said it was great oh wow you doing research it's called intestinal fortitude something some sort of intestinal business uh-huh so then they kept telling me I was gonna take it and wake up and have like the healthiest biggest shit like the size of this cactus over here sure about a big cacti uh but I didn't have any spikes on it I woke up and I shit but it wasn't great it was just like a little whatever

very forgettable dump yeah I hate a forgettable dump not a nugget was bigger than a cocoa puff but I would say it was like a half a hot dog oh that's nothing oh man it's like you tried to get late and you pulled the guy's pants down it was just an acorn yeah it was like a pig in a blanket and uh it wasn't great it had some smoothness to it which is what I've been struggling with so what smoothness it was it was hip and cool no like I mean like a lot of shits I take first of all you have the pebble shits you get the pebble shits occasionally pretty pebbles but every once in a while you get a shit that's just pebbles locked together like you can see the like bricks in a wall yes it sounds like a honeycomb there's no smoothness yes honeycomb his bees

flying out of it right right candy man I want a smooth boy that terrified me I went and saw that with Eric Westaver and his family I was like nine whoa whatever that was in the theater way too young it was in the theaters like it came out in like 1989 I went and sorry and that was like an early time of like I didn't know how to say anything so I was like okay yeah and we watched I was terrified of mirrors in a bathroom and knives and candy of course yeah I remember every guy in my neighborhood looked like candy man oh but the late 80s and it was all these black guys in trench coats it was terrifying yeah I didn't I didn't care for you I heard you look at the candy man bitch or something what was that scene where they had to like I blocked most of it out god it was terrifying and you said

it three times in the mirror and he showed up yeah so why would you want him to show up oh Alexa stop no that's a coffee machine or something oh here's something bubbling maybe it's your asshole why would Alexa be bubbling maybe it's a coffee maker his podhead something was bubbling that was a bubble wasn't it yeah it was quite a bubble but anyways um bubble boy I think it was like a dare wasn't it I don't remember the movie I literally saw it in the theater in Brockton East Brockton or Brockton East movie cinemas and I don't remember I mean it was fucking 20 years ago yeah it was terrifying bees weren't like he cut them and bees came out yeah and I remember just praying for a daytime scene to come like it would be nighttime and I was like just let

there be daylight I can kind of be like all right let there be light I saw Jurassic Park in the theater 1993 I was a big dinosaur nerd so I went with two friends of mine I was so scared of that velociraptor I had to sit on my mom's lap I was ruined oh the kids tortured me for years about that that was boy you were a pussy well the dinosaur I couldn't do it I can handle a candy man over a dinosaur no a dinosaur's fake candy man is real hey dinosaurs existed they did but not now but a candy man a black gentleman with a knife in the mirror I mean that's real shit I was cool with the black gentleman I don't know that there's something about that thing coming at you and the it was kids running remember they were the kitchen and you saw that little that little

toenail clicking oh yeah man I was done I was 11 and I don't know I was I was a grown up at that point but that was not as scary because that's not a horror but it's an adventure movie with dinosaurs and whatnot yeah yeah I was a man I couldn't open a cupboard I thought a little Dilophosaurus was gonna eat my asshole oh wow well you must have shit when you went to Florida the first time those little things running around those were scary to me the little ones the little guys because if those are like it's like an instant I don't want to tick near me or a spider or a bee tick not on oh yeah tick not how I need in my life and in my ass yeah well what do you know about Ed Hart Eckhart Tolle I love that guy what are you kidding the guy changed

my whole life interesting power and now we talked about it before one of the best books ever I gave it a shot it was so dense and uh the the the vocab was a little with a little much oh it blew my mind go and get some of the TED talks on YouTube he's very good oh really very good I check in with the video every once in a while Tara Brock also is as good as it gets all right good to know terrible movie I'm a big TED talk homo well how about this uh so I got anyways I took this pill and now I'm gonna take another one but now I feel like it didn't it's gonna hit me in the middle of the day ah yeah um it's the opposite of a birth control pill it's pushing something out of you I think that's exactly what a birth control pill no no I'm thinking of the plan B pill

wait a minute the plan B just shoots everything out immediately no yeah that's what the plan B is no way yeah you take a plan B in your period just rockets out your mouth immediately whoa oh yeah you're gonna nose bleed ears the whole thing everything just goes for the exits you're just gushing every orifice yeah that's what that's what plan B is all about I didn't know I thought it just kind of killed it in you and you shoot it out in a week no no that's what I thought also I thought it was like inside the capsule was like you know glass like the like Shravan marathon bombing right as a crockpot your gut which I was at survivor uh where are you fuck yeah I'm a survivor dog I'm getting strong I was there I didn't get hit with anything and

my my best to the victims of course or what I'm not my best what do you say condolences condolences thoughts and prayers regards it was quite an evening but anyways and day morning we were wild we were walking on the field I think that was right before we started the podcast it was April 2013 well look at that and you were boozing no it's four months sober but I do remember thinking like if anything more happens I'm gonna have a drink I had like four months sober and it was such a weird feeling and the trains were getting shut down and like phones were going crazy my parents were calling like you gotta get out of the city oh yeah and like we were just seeing ambulances and fire trucks and at the time there was all this stuff like they thought there was a bomb in

south boston right at like the kennedy uh center kennedy library or something and there was like bomb at no all these fake bomb room you know how the rumor just go oh yeah I love rumors um oof that was a bad christoph waltz oh I didn't know what you were doing over special needs child oh that was uh I was for a while but then I found out she was not normal but anyways remember how hot the bomber was he was like a hot guy yeah they put him on rolling stone which was controversial of the rolling stone rolling stone rolling stone gonna buy five copies from my mother yeah yeah well I think it's obvious we got nothing this week folks oh boy we're trying to put one out I'm going gay you're going uh where are you going I'm not going anywhere I'm here all weekend but I'm

going this weekend if you're listening now I'm going to st louis but we're recording the second episode in the week but I don't know some of our best episodes I agree we just digress and we rant and ramble and it gets kooky but I got a couple things here if you want to play please lay it on me voodoo well anyway so is that the bombing I was fine America god bless uh but earlier today on the way here I had seven minutes oh my god we're fine it'll fly by once we hear about this uh bombing so if you're bombing if you like to make people laugh stand up nine minutes oh you missed it yesterday we did donnelly show celebrate we did Seinfeld I emailed that fat content he's like oh yeah we'll get you on next time next time you're doing a Seinfeld show

without me oh man it was something we went through favorite episodes we had trivia we did a trivia we have to buzz in with a uh one time character oh not a one time not a one time character but like a side character oh all right so he starts asking the question I have to be like will home the answer is and then we had it was fun but the trivia all these Seinfeld trivias are jokes they'll I'm like get real with that like what's the name of the diner I'm like oh right right really challenge me what's the apartment number 5a nice yeah mr bevel aqua uh but anyways what was the candy newman was uh he found the wrappers oh um I know the chunk chunky yeah I know the junkies uh it was really fun I think the fenoya real not fenoya uh who's the other one

Brendon air fiori oh fiori he's a good kid sometimes I get fiori and fenoya confused in my head not the guys yeah the names the names I hear sometimes I'll be like I was hanging out with fenoya it was the best night of my life people like what and I'm like all right fiori now fiori now I'm getting I love fenoya too I bumped into him today at the gym he's a he's a breath of fresh air is he's very positive who fenoya fiori fenoya fenoya is very positive what do these names mean are there a couple Italians fiori means fire I gotta assume it's gotta be fire fire it's uh my Dean del Rey impression fenoya I guess means uh you know annoying an annoying fire there you go um but yeah both great guys different people the audience has no idea who we're talking about no

but they're nice kids and comics and you'll see them in New York if you do you know if you go to some shows they might know him actually because fiori the serious he is serious and he's de paulo's producer and he went on tour with de paulo so they might know him and then fenoya is with the practical jokers he writes for the show by himself and he's at the cellar all the time and both great guys and and both killer gigs they got there oh yeah well fenoya fenoya fiori's out what do you mean he's out he's out is uh de paulo de paulo got fired oh right right but he still opens for de paulo and he works at serious still okay okay yesterday was talking to kevin smith on the phone they were just chatting like equals wow clerks uh never got into kevin smith I like clerks it was okay clerks

is the best work it's the best one but uh I never got he's too into himself like uh dogma and all the star wars and also I think I have a theory the whole jay and silent bob uh he gets to stand there quietly and then the end of the movie he says like this profound thing I feel like he's stroking himself a little bit there I could see that it's a little jerky yeah I like him as a guy never I was never big into the films yeah yeah yeah you know jersey girl come on yikes um it was fun to see carlin in there yeah yeah I told you when I met carlin uh I met carlin at borders books in 2008 on wall street I skipped work went straight there I brought a bunch of books and CDs and I was in the line the line was jammed he was signing books jamming in new york exactly and uh I was

listening to people because I was so nervous I was like oh my god I'm gonna meet my hero George carlin the living legend and I'm listening to people go you are great millen 10 oh I loved you and jersey girl oh my god I'm like one of these fucking idiots talking about Jesus Christ we got carlin here you're talking about jersey girl and he's going yeah yeah you can tell he wants to kill himself and then I go up to him and I just start rattling off bits I'm like oh my god Mr carlin I love this bit that bit I love jamming in New York I love uh back in town I love complaints agreements and he goes what do you do and I go I'm a comedian and he goes you sound like a comedian oh thanks and he goes yeah you got a real talent for jacking around and my friends heard it they

hit the floor that's we should get that tattooed in your arm jacking around yes you know DeRosa's tattoo oh what's that he worked with carlin or he had a dream about carlin or something he said keep kicking him in the nuts joe oh so he has k k i n t or something like that oh that's brutal yeah big mistake joey but what it means a lot to him and that's what matters a tattoo artist should have kicked him in the nuts just got a great text you must commit to something and then you're regretting it and you're like oh my god that's gonna stand kind of forget about it yeah and the person's like i'm so sorry i gotta cancel oh i got that last night i happened to be so excited what a thrill i feel like a new man i had a bar show and i had four shows i was like

god it's gonna be tough to make it to these shows and then he goes ah it's pretty light you don't have to come and i went well i'll stick i'll sit it out nice so oh so i'm walking over here yes this is we're digressing who i'm walking over here and i had one of the best phone fake phone conversations of my life oh because here's the thing now to have a fake phone conversation you don't have to have the phone to the head because they got the super earpiece thing yes so i'm walking up your street here and all these people they want to get you to sign up for a thing oh i hate the clipboard and they're all people i agree with it's like you know amnesty and aclu and gay rights and the environment and all that you plan parenthood and shit and they've gotten me many times i'm

giving money all over the fucking place over here i'm a real socialist yeah so i bump it i see the guy coming and i had the headphones because i was listening to some rock and roll music and my ear lobes anyway he started waving the big gay wave you know and i just went i put my finger on my ear and i'm like you got to speak up because i can't i'm out in the city here i can't really hear you and the guy's like i'm sorry i'm sorry i felt so good take that gaze i went and then i mouthed i made the guy in the phone crazy yeah even the guy in the phone was shane mcgowan i was like oh this guy oh yes i always do mom i go out my mom she's a crazy country's gay oh that's fun and then i'm walking these are my this is not like that by the way and then i'm walking on your

street right here in the village 14th street you got that right and i'm walking up the street and a guy is smoke i can't be behind a smoker because the smoke keeps billowing and you're just swallowing the smoke it's too much it's tough so then he started to slow so i picked up the pace to pass him then he sped up we're going back and forth and i got a lot of smoke in my face oh boy eventually i just stopped in the middle of this i'm like this is not worth the podcast well i got some dog shit after the week it's the dog shit hour i got nothing the dsh the very bit so i was returning i got smoke in my face so i stopped walking uh-huh just stopped all together i said i'll just catch up i'll go i'll be late what'd you do it just hit the hit the wall and

took a lean now i hit the break pretend to text my mother again oh i got a text boy the phone is giving a lot of fake uh you know interaction killers that was an old joke of mine i tried doing about how i use my phone to get out of conversations more than i use it to be in conversation maybe i'll bring that back bring it back maybe there was there was a point to all this horseshit call in if you like that bit so anyway so then this happened there is more to this tail uh-huh so then i paused for an appropriate amount of time about you know five seconds eight seconds then i'm like okay the smoke is cleared i start walking he stops again now the smoke we're back yeah but then uh what is he what are you a first responder then i left and uh came here

and it wasn't really a big deal but uh we recorded two days ago oh jeez sorry folks hold on let me try one i got a couple real ones i'm saving for the end oh i didn't know that i got some hot dogs you're hip pocketing yeah i got a lump in my asshole all right so i went and voted oh me too and i gotta tell you i've never voted my life i've always lied oh yeah a big fan of uh john carrey yeah i don't know anything about the house or the senate or the representatives or car caraca case show or whoever the fuck elizabeth warren's a nazi and a pirate or an indian i don't know love warren so i don't know anything i just fake it and i don't care and i'm selfish and i hate myself but i get in this line it's sad because this is all new to me so i i see all the instagram photos

hey i voted sticker i'm a good person i'm better than you blow me so i go all right i'm gonna go vote i look up my my spot i put my uh zip code in it's two blocks away i go great so i uh head over there put the ear pods in the line is around the block it's like ticket master for a van halen concert tick not on master uh-huh is that master so of course you have that first initial like i don't want to do this but i go no no stay in line it's your civic duty rock the vote so i get in the line and i'm in line between you know johnny apple seed he's 800 years old and i got a lady behind me who's just won't stop tapping me with questions oh who are you voting for what do you think about this what's your what's your process or what's your theory and this and that i'm like i don't know

anything so i'm just like what do you think that's what she wanted she wouldn't be to ask her so i just got all this she just unloaded on me and she's like i haven't seen a line this long since you know uh charlie chaplin ran for prime minister or whatever the hell i'm like yeah crazy and she's 8 000 years old so finally we get up to the thing get to the booth they go all right what section are you what division or whatever it is and i go i don't know and he goes well you gotta go talk to that lady she's 900 years old she's in a walker and a respirator and i go hey this my deed she goes oh boy i don't see on the list oh and i go well i registered yesterday and she's like you sure it went through and i showed her the email like yeah it went through she'd never

seen a phone so a day before register yes that's not easy to pull off no no but i got the email like you're in dickless wow so i showed it to her she said all right well here's what you gotta do because i can't find you these these papers were printed like two days ago uh-huh so you gotta go fill this whole thing out put this in there in an envelope fill out the envelope it's like a phone book this thing yeah so i go all right and i just sit down i just start start going and then i turn it in and i gotta tell you you feel pretty good i feel you feel good it was my neighborhood i felt like i was part of a community like these are all my neighbors and we live in the same hood we're all together we're all gay and old and i left i got the sticker i never put

the sticker on i never posted about it but you don't want to fuck up your shirt that's a whole situation yeah yeah yeah i was sticky enough it does feel good and it's nice to participate i've been emailing senators and congressmen and uh please heed the call you know don't stand in the doorway don't block up the hall i'm really trying to get involved here yes it's fun getting involved and i told you i started emailing news casters and saying hey you gotta talk about climate change you fucking pieces of shit yeah why are they avoiding it's not sexy it's not sexy they gotta talk about the tweets it doesn't sell people don't want to hear about it but i'm trying to do what i can and give them to the nature conservancy and all this horseshit but uh it feels good when

you do something just a little something just sending an email or a message or whatever or picketing or calling and i did a lot of uh canvassing i think what's that now that's where you paint your toenails oh but i called up my cousins i'll let's say you said you think there'd be a canvas involved with the painting yeah i don't know a lot of these uh things i don't know what socialism is and i pretend give it to me in a in a nutshell well in a nutshell i mean socialism is like uh like medicare is socialized like we're all we all put into the system and it pays for the other people like we all pay for a thing that uh everybody benefits from like essentially the military yes the military and uh the fire department the police department those are

essentially socialized and that we're all paying taxes that go to pay these things that sounds pretty good it sounds pretty good it gets tricky this is a it's a little hairy these things this is the problem everybody explains their party or their their tribe to me and i go that sounds pretty good and then they go i tell some other guy he goes what are you kidding you're that guy i'm like i don't know maybe i'm not what are you into then i go hey that sounds pretty good well i mean it's hard because you know you make your money and you we work very hard for money and some people go why is my money go to go to pay for this fucking guy that didn't even get a job i mean that's the the idea behind it the rub uh that's the thing i mean we have that sometimes with managers and agents you

go i'm just sending this guy money he didn't actually do anything he sent me an email so that's where people see it you know uh but it's uh it's a it's you gotta figure it out i mean we should all have health care i mean the thing is i don't have the answers to health care but we have the wrong arguments in my opinion and that everyone should be in a agreement that we should want our fellow man and woman and child to be able to have access to health care so how you do that you know some people think we should have socialized health care that's what they do in canada and europe but that's more taxes all right well so higher taxes than we're all getting health care so what's communism communism is a little more tricky it's not that dissimilar i think communism is like

everybody kind of uh shares all the shit oh that'll never work but the problem with communism is there's usually a couple of leaders that have all the money and control and power so that's out so that's we don't like that you kind of have a dictator running the show well we're not far from that communism makes sense if there was like 40 of us and it's like all right you do the cooking and we all eat your food that you cook and then i fixed the toilet you guys shit on my chest i got and over here we you you're gonna be eating pussy so you eat the pussy got it and that's a it's a communal i'd hope to get that gig communism yes you know i think that it's a commune so there's certain ways that it sounds like it would make sense but then there's one person overseeing the

whole thing and then they shoot people for doing the wrong thing and stuff got it okay well this helps see why why did it take so long for me to learn all that capitalism is you know like capitalist you just try to make as much money as you can you have all the money or whatever which is great also that's a great system that's what we're doing here seems kind of fair but becomes unfair because the people that get all the money just keep getting more and more money they're not paying into the system they pay their taxes abroad they cheat on their taxes and all that shit you can do that you can do it the president united states has done it pretty successfully and the entirety of his life i might try that yeah so you know i mean we're capitalist in a lot of

way we're trying to do patreon and get on tv and all the thing and just make the money i thought patreon was socialist because uh these guys are throwing some dough in to help other people yeah they're helping us yeah which we're very appreciative but they're getting in a good in exchange so yes by the way this is the most retarded explanation of all these things i don't either get in it but the problem with capitalism is understandably whatever the stats are fucking 11 people have 90 percent of the money or whatever right and then they pass it down to their family into their family and so a lot of us have no access to that money got it you know all right so the uh the one percent is what that is right right but they say the one percent it's like really well like

the point zero one percent there's like 14 people that have a hundred billion dollars i think it's like a hundred people have like 90 percent of the money or something there's some crazy statistics out there someone will tweet a bunch of people gonna tweet at me them a fucking moron right well we're talking about oprah's got a lot of money so then like we hear bernie he's like a democratic socialist which is a little more somewhere in between i believe uh huh between a capitalist and a communist uh and a socialist so but the people cry socialism it's become like this dirty bad word but what's interesting and about it is that the roads are all paid for by with taxes the roads and again the police the ambulance the fire department the military yeah our and medicare are socialized

all right well call me gay but i know a few rich people very rich and all they do is bitch about how much taxes they pay and they go pay your fair share i'm paying like more in taxes than you make a year right so what is that about well part of it is the percentage of taxes so it's like they're paying a ton of money in taxes but they might only be paying 35 percent of their taxes or whatever it is but i think the real issues like these like multi billionaires who are also paying a ton i understand i'm not a fucking jerk off i understand that it sucks to make five hundred thousand dollars and pay 200 000 or whatever and of course there are people that abuse the system certainly there are examples of people that are on you know welfare they don't try to get a job or whatever

the hell it is right but um there's people that take advantage of all systems yeah there's people that do need it and rely on it and the whole idea of welfare and all those things is to take care of a person until they're able to make money there's a lot of athletes superstars and people that also just went on to get great jobs that were getting food stamps or whatever it is and then they go on to become billionaires and they're paying their money back into the system so that's the idea behind it but all these systems you know there's ups and downs and overs and outs and i don't have the early answers oh my god i thought that was great that was a great cliff's notes but i also think shouldn't we have compassion don't you want to be on the side of compassion don't you want there to

not be people starving in the streets or dying because they can't afford to pay their medical bills sure or going into debt forever and being completely desecrated because they broke their leg right but i feel like the same people with most of the compassion not you these super bleeding heart compassionate people are also some of the most evil angry people have ever met uh-huh if you do something that they deem is uh not so bad they're incredibly passionate but if some other guy does something that they're like i don't like that kill him string him up he'll never work again of course i'm talking about yeah yeah social justice warriors a lot of them yes a lot of that a lot of that happens they come off as this uh a hero that's like i'm a good person i'm open minded i'm liberal i'm

all for justice but they're so quick to punish and they punish so harshly right so isn't that mean in its own way yes by the way public schools i think are another thing that is essentially socialized yeah taxes i went to public school yeah i did too i went to both public and private so i understand it sucks and like obviously we've talked about this before my whole life i was you know a liberal and then i three years ago i started making decent money and you kind of go oh fuck now i see what i get it now this is a bummer um but so it's a bummer but a lot of you have to look at it as this wasn't my money to begin with and my buddy uh Derek he says it's like uh um it's like it's like we belong to a country club we belong to this wonderful country and there's

a tag you gotta pay to pay to be here yeah it's expensive there you go but the other thing with these people like the libertarians argument is that the government is stealing from they're just robbing from it we're making this money and the government is like you owe that to us no matter what we'll send you to jail right you don't pay us so i do understand that argument as well but and the government's very wishy washy when it when it benefits them they're up your ass going hey where's our money dickface but when they owe you money it's kind of a bitch to get it yeah well when they owe you money it's your money which is weird yeah yeah exactly which is also like tricky where people like i got my tax return but it's like well it's your money yeah giving you back your

own money and then the government is smart because they know we're gonna go out and spend it because they look at it as a people look at it as a bonus like i'm gonna go buy a car smart pay taxes on the car it's like that chris rock joke i need a payment that's a jack yes it is a jack so i'm looking forward to all the tweets telling me that i'm a moron i don't understand things well i'll take the moron hit jizz on my face because uh you're at least you have some answers i'm i'm literally ignorant and learn i'm trying to learn well it's fun to learn it's good to learn it's good to take part in these things because uh it's it's our it's a wonderful privilege to get to vote to live in a country where we can vote and try to choose these people and if more people did

it would be you know nice a hundred million people voted in the midterms that's a record hello folks sorry to interrupt we'll be back to the pod in a minute just want to tell you jews and twos gays out there uh this is a little snippet from the bonus episode we just put out you don't want to miss this stuff folks it's on the patreon patreon.com slash tuesdays get on board for some hot queefs and some good road fodder get on it folks here's is a snippet god love you braze all out oh it was fun those old days of Montreal i told you the time we went to the strip club and we got a double dong show come again where they right in front of you they sit on a table

and right in front of you and you sit there you pay a hundred bucks or whatever canadian geese and then they just take a double dildo and they fuck each other in the ass and what not that's worth every penny but then this woman one of the ladies of the night she went joe what's what she went what's your name she didn't say joe what's your name she said what's your name and i said joe and then she went oh and then she was getting fucked and she was like oh joe your dick is so small you got small dick and i was like what is this i don't like that what is jeff ross i was like i was like what the hell's going on here i don't want you to call me small dick you know some fuck ups like that shit i guess so but i don't have that at all like

i don't mind being called a bitch and joked and you know would take my come and whip it in my face but i don't want to talk to me i have a small dick i don't know i draw the line at the cump whipping but uh i know a guy named jeff ragsdale he was a real loon ragsday yeah this guy was a kook i think he had Tourette's or uh what do you call that shit uh uh not antifa mania oh maybe he's manic manic oh manic at the disco and this guy was a kook he was just he was one of the good bipolar that's it oh he just turned on a fucking nickel and uh this guy we were out one night and he got a bunch of whores and he's like fuck you guys i'm going to get a whore and we're like all right that's ragsdale and he got a bunch of whores and uh we saw him the next day he was like oh

it was so hot this girl was so sexy really what happened she's like he's like she kept telling me my dick was tiny she kept calling me a pussy and yelling at me and spitting on me i was like yeah sounds great but some guys are into it yeah rags first of all his mother must have caught a beating from you guys ragsdale oh i didn't know i'm at the ragsdale you know yeah yeah yeah uh ragsdale yeah he had it coming well let me run this one by you there fatty uh-huh i got no big fight with alan our therapist oh boy we went at it just tooth and nail jew and goy going interesting so he's a socialist big so he's a big bleeder oh yeah menstruation heart i love him yeah i like him too we get along and i

feel like he's very wise he's got wisdom he's an old jew from the lower east side he's lived all over he's seen some shit he's got eight wives nine kids now he's a guy that just charges what you can pay yes you give us what you can so i can make you feel better that's a good person that's a good egg yeah he's taking a my a massive pay cut just to help as many people as he can yeah the kindness of his heart sweet sweet man i love the pieces and i recommend everyone go to him but we were talking about diversity and comedy and like uh men and women and all this and i was saying like they're putting certain groups on shows who are new and green because they want to represent that group and i feel like it hurts the group and he's like but that's how it's gotta be because it's been this

way for so long that there's gonna be growing pains and i'm like yeah but the growing pains are actually detrimental in a way and not helping and he's like that's how it's gotta be it's gonna be weird you know like when segregation happened there were fights and riots but now we're segregated now we're not segregated now it's better and i was like yeah yeah i get that but he's like you have to represent every group and i go well then that's impossible because there's groups have subgroups and different groups it should be sports look a meritocracy yes there's nine ninety eight percent tall black guys on a basketball team what if you go well we gotta get some asians in there you just throw ten asians in not saying asians can't ball but

they're gonna get stopped on they're gonna get dunked on they're gonna get elbowed to the face it's gonna be ugly uh-huh and he's and his argument is well that's growing pains that's how it's gotta be i'm going hey you gotta we gotta work it out and but but the comedy is this art form quote unquote it's subjective so hey well you gotta represent what if some kid looks at the tv and doesn't see the his group uh you know represented i'm like well what about asians there's no asian on s and l you know it's like oh we gotta have this on s and l we gotta have that on s and l where the asians and they're killing it and why can't you just have a white person tape their eyes back and play an asian well those good old days yeah but do you see what i'm saying um i'm kidding

of course asians are doing the best but they're not represented which kills your whole represented argument and in television you mean well now they're starting to be represented they had the asian crazy rich there was gong show back in the 70s oh yeah there was a ninja please um no that we got crazy rich asians was out that was all that's one asian movie in 48 months yeah so it's they're trying to get some representation you know i don't buy the rep i mean i get it but i see where people want and we should have people represented but i see what you're talking about it can be detrimental in that sometimes it feels like they they push people too quick yes they have no they don't have the uh foundation there's a funny person in every group there's funny people in every gender race

whatever bunch of them bunch of them but i guess you run out of them quick because there's not as many as there are the majority i see so they start just throwing new ones in but now they look worse because they're next to a bunch of killers yeah it happens sometimes where i think that uh with women for instance is certainly way less or way fewer yes trying to use proper english here way fewer women doing comedy than men yeah by like i would say what do you think it is five to one ah more than that really way more than that more men yes yeah i'd say eight to one eight to one you might be right eight to one when you go to open mics or parties and stuff when you go to mics it's middle of the country it's over yeah yeah it's just a bunch of fucking harry white guys it's

changed there's definitely more women now than there have ever been which is great which is good but we've talked about this before too there's a lot of uh deterrences to women sure one of course is you know there's they're getting raped everywhere and sexually harassed so it's difficult but that's all fields a lot of field this is fields yeah sally field you love me yeah i want to thank the little people ah i don't know about that she was you love me you really love me yeah yeah i think you're right yeah who's the little people i guess uh brad williams little people there's a lot of them gary vader yeah vegas what's that guy you know uh game of thrones he's little peter dinkley a lot of women are hot for dinklage by the way yeah that's a horrible

video um and dink is writing his name which implies small dick right dink i've never heard that you never dink i've heard dink is like i guys at dink like he's an idiot yeah that means a small dick now that's what dink means my dinky i didn't get there from dinky no dink is dick is it how could it not be dink and dick the different words i know but the root word of dink is dick it's it's dick with an n in it that's like saying cut is from cunt it might be i don't know cut smaller than cut no dink is it touched my dink my dinky that was like a thing with when you're a kid i know what about dinky donuts that's about dicks they got dick donuts i guess you can put a donut on a dick it's kind of a donut holder sure but anyways women i think one of the things that's hard with women

in car what are we talking about this isn't our show oh this is interesting this is more of a bonus but all right we'll keep it going keep it we'll wrap it up with this i think one of the things was first of all there wasn't a lot of uh female representation in comedy yes there was a lane boozler and john bayez and uh the other one ellen uh paulapound rosanna there's quite a few of course jone rivers phyllis billard mom's maybly yeah whoopee goldberg goldie yeah hawn lily tomlin quite a quite a few really and then there was a snl of course they had those ones yeah 90s it was big in the snl curtain yeah yeah yeah all those ones molly shannon uh and a gas die or terry yeah so a lot of them so there's been a lot that's one of the things that bothers me these days

is people act like there was no women in comedy for through the years right or like there was like no black representation on tv but like the cosby show was like the biggest show fresh prince was huge in the 90s martin and living two seven i mean there was like a lot of stuff going on about that hey i guess you're right but i wasn't it doesn't compare i mean the the numbers are giant white to black you mean yeah on tv certainly and in the country yeah well yeah there you go so i don't have all the answers but i think diversity is good and we should have people should be represented paul what i was gonna say with deterrence to women is that men are much less judged women have a judged in a way that like you should be at this point in your life like when

you're in your 30s as a woman you have to be like you should be married why aren't you married where's your husband you should have a kid should be having a kid which is very old school thing that is slowly hopefully going away yeah but if you're living in your car like we as comedians men you can just have three roommates and you slept in my car last a woman can't sleep in her car because the guy might kick in her window and fucking rape her right or if she tells her mother i slept in my car they're like baby you're gonna come home we gotta help you yeah so that's one thing that's hard about being a woman in comedy is that you're judged and also doing self deprecating humor when a guy if i go up there and go i hate myself i'm a piece of shit i want to kill myself the

crowd's like this guy's hilarious but my wife goes up there and goes boy i really want to die people like oh my god this is horrible yeah well can i say i completely agree and that's sad it's tough um but i don't know if that's men's fault you know like my gal she'll be talking to her aunt or aunt's like winning another baby what do you waste your time for you gotta get married it's men and women put it it's just society surely social norms and all that shit so there's that problem and then another thing is but like because there's women are the minority in the business when there's a really funny woman she gets she moves on quickly then she doesn't get a writing job or a movie so scoop her up when you're booking a show a lot of times i'll be like let's get this

person like i got to get up early i got up shooting at my tv show tomorrow right right i gotta go do this so they bail on your bar doing well or they're like i can't i'm getting paid at the cell or whatever right right so it's uh it's trickier than it might seem a very nuance is a lot of twist and turn but it should be said and i agree with everything you're saying and it's gotta be tough to be a lady but it the the one thing is like i know some women female comedians who are going oh you say all this but what about me and to you i say you suck you're not good some of you aren't good and that's a possibility yeah there's there's that also but a lot of people men and women a lot of men mostly but just kind of had this ego and like what about i haven't got anything yet you suck

is that have you ever even thought about that has that even entered your dumb thick skull that you might not be that good when you're going up on stage and no one's laughing take a little ownership yeah i'm doing pretty well and i think i suck every day all day same i feel like we should erase this whole podcast that's how much i hate myself i want to kill myself but uh but there's definitely more diversity in lineups than there have ever been i think that's a positive thing and it gives people so it's good but it's it's uh it's tough to do it is difficult i was talking about this last night with sarin she booked a show as well we had a show and we tried to make sure everyone's represented but then a woman cancelled on us and so we're like all right we gotta get

another woman so i asked three different women they were like oh we're working i'm working i'm working and then you have a moment we were like fuck and then like you said you're like well there's this woman but then you know we're like well i don't think she's really as good as these other comics right right and so it is it can be tricky and then if you and then you get yelled at and they go hey what joe you don't book women you go i've tried to book 17 yeah you have to be like here's the text right right but then but also may i point this out please most people the most the majority of audiences they're happy to see a woman they're happy to not see a woman they just want to see a good show that's what i want that's all i want is a good show there's very few people

that will actually after the show be like why the fuck went there or what most people are just like that was a great show right but it's also true sarah got booked on a show in florida my wife is a comedian and it was her and two women it was called kooky broads off their meds wow they can't just have a show where it's just three women right they call it broads off their meds and then the booker asked them at some point in your set could you say you're off your med just mention oh that's horrible which is appalling so there's still that they have to deal with also or comedy period yes exactly and then there's also like a lot of coming up in comedy you're staying at condos and you're sharing a condo with the mc sometimes you've been sharing with the club owner and that's no

place for a woman to be in neither so it is very difficult i understand i live with a female comedian so i get to you know you really have to be close to it this is why this is fascinating this is illuminating yes but i do agree there are a lot of men and a lot of women that suck yes and it's like yeah you're not some of you might not just be just not good enough and it's okay to suck we both sucked at one point you gotta work on it gotta try you gotta you gotta accept that you suck and then go from there some people might think we suck now that's true i'm not listening but yeah maybe they are some people might hate listen to us i think we got a few hate listeners to be honest hate listen happy to have a hate listen like a hate patreon too yeah i get on the patreon all we

jokes here yeah what the hell are we doing patreon people are gonna hate us all right well i had to get that alan thing out i'll see if uh yes so the asian thing was my whole big point uh but they're doing fine all right i'm sure this even the even the hobo asians are kicking ass they got 13 bags on their shoulder uh-huh full of cans cans all right what's that one redemption on hbo what's that it was a short about the people that go around collecting cans no quite tragic they're sad people wow i assume they're collecting cans i just want to give them five bucks sometimes i'll give them a dollar or so socialist but he's going to go hey i i love socialism i take my it's a nice thing by the way about giving away your money and this is why the the government

they do this you can write off these charities yeah because you're like oh you're already giving your money away right which is nice i'd like to give it to the plant parenthood and the nature conservancy and the aclu and the homeless guy well i feel bad because i was uh saw the clipboard guy a mile away and i go oh shit all right i'm gonna fake a phone call am i gonna fart am i gonna you know give birth what am i gonna do and this woman kind of cut in front of me and so they hit her up and cut in front of you yeah she goes uh oh i already donated to the aclu and the girl was like oh great okay and i was like that's pretty good but i feel too guilty using that because it's such a bold lie yeah you're gonna be too awesome with her yeah yeah we donate together we have a

club it's tricky well everybody's gonna die we're all gonna die one day which is a perk yeah it's pretty wild to think like you're like yeah i watched the uh fox catcher team fox catcher the documentary not the dog uh-huh not the Ted Channing Tatum vehicle but the documentary boy was crazy i don't want to give it away but the guy at the end John Dupont the owner of all the zillions of dollars in the ranch just goes up to his favorite guy and just shoots him oh yeah and then the white did you see it i saw the movie i watched some documentation about it the wife comes out and he drives off and she's like oh she held her husband and he was like doing like breathing exercise because he knows how to wrestle and so he knows all these tricks yeah and she just goes

yeah then he died in front of him like man just died that's it well living to dead in a second that's what i was thinking about i mean this is the most serious episode we've ever done but as we're recording this on thursday last night was the shooting in california there at the bar and this guy you think you're removed from it because you're watching on tv and they go there they were shot and you were so numb to it but you think about what how much each life means yes this guy is dead like the phone rings your husband's dead and like you had a husband a moment ago or a dad or a brother or whatever it is and now they're just dead now it goes to what are we gonna do we gotta figure out how to bury them and what to put them and the income and all that

shit the emotion it's the little thing that now who's gonna pay his car payment who's gonna take care of his dog you know everything it's brutal clean out his apartment and some other guy's gonna move in it's crazy the clothes the reminders and the holidays are coming and all that stuff so it's like one thing when someone died like your granddad dies he's 88 and he fucking has halitosis or whatever but when someone is just shot and dead they're just dead just instantly and it sucks they're in a bar they're just sitting there having a wing and all of a sudden you're like what yeah it's fucking horrific and um it's bro i mean i always when i was a kid and they go oh this kid died what a waste i never got that until now because it means like oh some mom had to get

knocked up jizzed all in her some she got all fat and she went to the hospital gave birth there was a whole thing the husband was like should i watch should i not watch that he watches and he goes oh my god that was terrifying and he holds the baby and then they raise it they feed it they buy a million cans of cat food feed the kid try to get it in college put it in elementary school put clothes on it wipe its ass suck it's dead suck it's digging it's dead yeah i don't know if that's the waste i thought the waste was like his potential uh well you can't he wasted his life but not everyone has potential well everyone does this is a sad thing to think about think about this next time you see a home but this is for all you folks out there next time you see a homeless person or you're

thinking about politics and helping people everybody out there at some point was a miraculous exciting birth there was a mother holding all the homeless people you see the people on the ground and the dirt the people it's exciting some of these were accidents or rape baby but when the person had the baby there was a moment of like here's your baby they handed the baby and even a rape baby whatever you're still giving birth is still this feeling of attachment there's someone loved the baby at some point yes there was love only for a day yeah because what's up with these dumpster ladies well those people that's pretty rare i think well that we know of i mean those people those people were obviously not all right but the better thing is not to think about

that baby well that baby was loved the person who's crazy enough to throw their baby in a dumpster they were loved at some moment aha at some moment and then of course we're abusing this is why it's so horrific and tragic when children are abused yeah because the the pure innocence hearts are born kind i know you know when you're born you only fear two things falling and loud noises because you don't know what a serial killer is you don't know what aids is you don't know what the candy man is right all learned yeah it's very very tragic it's a tragic tragic world that's why we normally try to cheer you up and be silly out here but this week we're getting this is like a very special episode yes like when will's fresh prince got shot right right or the kid in the

different strokes got diddled by the bike store oh god i don't remember that one i have it on tape i remember cherry cherry johnson hidden the refrigerator in punky bruster what did you freeze she got stuck in there no it was outside it wasn't plugged in oh but it seals you can't open those things from the inside is that right yeah milk and oj is prisoner wait a minute i feel like i kicked that open get in find out all right take the shelves out now that's why when you throw away a fridge you have to unzip the thing unzip unscrew ah it's illegal to put a fridge out there that's just as is that right yeah because the baby will get in there in fact back to the future you probably heard this good movie originally great movie originally the time machine was a fridge whoa

but the Spielberg was like what are you crazy you can't have kids getting in a fridge they're gonna punky bruster the depth right right wow a fridge that's that's a horrible movie yeah you sit next to some soy milk and cucumbers that's so good and then the milk goes back as you went in the future or you go in the past and the cow in the fridge oh we're off the deep end here's some laughs for that was utter oh utterly clever oh i'm so happy about this cancellation thing i love a cancellation you know about this conan party tonight i didn't get anything no cancer just texted me he's like here go to this conan party let's go all right i don't know where it is or how it is well they're doing the fucking beacon all week i'm so jealous i'm not on that tour i thought the same thing

on the show six time and they got feets rory and marina and this uh this kid i forget is james vice he's really funny james vice i don't know he's got like millions and millions of views on youtube his whole thing is just fucking with people on the internet and it's brilliant and then this moses storm oh he's killing he's so funny he's funny and a handsome handsome gook hold on i got i got a story here thing all right lay it on me how about this all right this is a this is a thing the new york comedy festival i know it's a weird festival yeah it doesn't feel like a festival no because we're just home yes like the festival comes to us right usually you're at a festival you travel and you're like we're at the festival yeah i'm just at the cellar eating my wings and like

three agents come up and start chatting you're like oh fuck me somewhere brian reagan is taking a dump on the upper west side right now you don't even think about it no or joel mackaylor or some other giant star brian vegan uh-huh so i'm on the train you let a sarah and i we go and do her sarah pass at the comedy set that was quite a thrill congratulations that's a funny comic yes funny woman funny comic we went down to the comedies we're hanging out friday night you know it goes in comedy sometimes like i had spots and she didn't have spots so she's down in the dump she's like i have no spots you always feel like a loser when you don't have spots oh totally i had none today and i had to do some phone calls just because i didn't want to you know kill myself

i mean if you take a night off that's good and i'm pro taking a night off sure but when you just like ah you want to do spots but you didn't get any it's a bummer here here so i was like come to the cellar maybe i'll introduce you to esti we'll see you know maybe if i can get in how about that looking for her you know they want women well they want they want the commie central shows shooting there check out the show by the way every friday is it yeah the comedy cell 11 p.m we're gonna be on the next couple weeks you think well that's what we get on uh we're shooting it so hopefully i shot last night it didn't go great oh boy i'm sorry it's a tricky show it's gotta you gotta do stuff from the night before the crowd sucked there and liz apologized to me she was like

this is the worst one we've ever had because of you wow yeah all right so sarah's eating pancakes so she's like i'm gonna go home i'm tired she works i'm fucking exhausted all right i'll go home so i go down to the cellar and it's rocking over there the band is playing the whole thing they had the show on the big screen which was exciting it's quite a vibe down there it's a magical time to be at the comedy so beautiful place so i go up to esti i go hey esti good to see you she's like where is your wife i want to meet your wife and i was like i knew it i knew it i was like she just went home you want to call her i'll put her in a cab and come back here she's like no don't make her take a cab she's like what are you doing tomorrow night i say we got nothing tomorrow we're on the row we're

in altamont new york not california uh so then i go how she goes how about sunday and i go you're not here on sunday she goes brunch and i'm like brunch audition an audition for brunch i think that's a good thing never been done that's a positive no brunch audition in history i said all right she's on i didn't even text her i was like she's on she's in i got like i'm like enough is enough already you're forcing her in she's coming so i texted her i said you got an audition sunday she's like wow don't worry about it you don't worry about it but yeah you're in you're in bitch you're in don't call my wife a bitch sorry i'm talking about esti we went home i go home we go this is so exciting we're hugging we're snuggling we go up we do the show at altamont fun

show fun night whatever sunday afternoon and it's a weird audition at brunch because it's a hang yes like if you're normally auditioned friday night late and the band is like it's crowded so you can kind of just say hello nervously and hide in the corner good point shit your pants in the corner for a while and like it's time and it's a terrifying thing it's more nerve-racking than a late night to me really well because a late night in some ways okay because here's the thing a late night you know you're gonna do well it's set up to do well and you're not auditioning for anybody right i mean you're auditioning for america i guess you've got the gig you got the gig you're in and they'll and they say like hey you're here because you belong here we want you here and then the host goes out

and says this is gonna be great you're in a suit the whole thing you just and you've been working the set you know it works the whole thing right but in audition you're like i got one chance five minutes to impress this person for life yes and really working at the cellar if you get in in it's in a lot of ways it's more lucrative than a late night oh yeah you keep coming back you work out new material you do the show yes exactly and you're you're part of a thing a family a hang it's a whole it's a big situation everybody knows about the cellar all of it's internationally famous it's the best club in the words of gary goldman it's not a club it's a lifestyle that's the goal for you well it's it's really something and it's this woman who's been there

for 30 years and she's quite nerve-racking oh yeah if you don't when you first get there after a while she's a big teddy bear oh yeah i love her a Jewish bear sweet sweet woman of course and and knows her stuff so and then the other thing is all the comics come down michelle came running up michelle the wolf who's just the best i was like sarah's auditioning finally she's like i'm gonna come over she's like i'm coming over right now yeah baby so she ran over and then mo is it amour i think it's mo amour amour but some people say mo amour it's amour it's amour mo amour there and she they know each other from texas wilsel vince is there he's hosting their buddies mateo's there sarah mateo tight one of her best friends so we're all down there so it's not just

esti your audition it's all the comics are crammed in everyone's rooting for you so there's so much pretty if it doesn't go well it's just like all your close friends and peers just watching you eat it and then the manager the owner's like not the owner the general manager's just like no i'm sorry oh so it's a lot it's a lot it's packed mateo goes up right before he murdered that guy crushes he's a killer what a great person good egg he's got a good gay vibe i just like being around him he's positivity hard to not love mateo there's not a lot there to not like big fan handsome too so he merrows sexy with the body on that body the face the ass alone forget about it stop traffic the ass alone would be weird you really need a pair of legs on an ass i guess you're right

that's all i need though is legs and ass yeah um you're gonna love this ai shit that's coming bring it on coming on my back all right so then she goes up and so i'm like i'm like trembling because for a moment esti was like you don't need to come down she's like let her do her own thing what but i was like this is like a big moment my wife this is beyond you the seller this is my wife trying to so holy matrimony i was like i'm coming down there man so we go down there and i'm just terrified i'm shaking everyone's like holding me because i'm like more nervous than her because when you're the one auditioning you have control you're like i'm going to go do the thing yes you like control i'm just standing there going fuck me hard i'm like hugging michelle her hair is in my

eye and uh sarah gets those first few laughs it starts building getting bigger and bigger and then she has one joke it just pops yeah baby boom and then liz who's like runs the cell like esti books the seller liz runs the cell oh yeah liz comes by i would never say that to esti no liz comes by and she's like that's all she needed she's good so i take a big sigh relief i come in my pants esti comes back gives a thumbs up she's like she's great she's great hallelujah so sarah comes and i got to go on after so i can't even be like wow that was great so i give her a quick hug i kiss in the face i go up now i'm up there i'm ripping it that's exciting i come back up and now there's no moment you want to jump up and down like with jackpot winners yes but instead she's just at the

table everyone's just back to breakfast that's how it goes in comedy everyone's just right back that show biz no celebrating everyone's just talking about you know palestine or whatever up there i'm like all right i guess i gotta eat my wings or whatever and then that's a it's a long hand good day and then finally i can't wait to escape and just be like you did it you son of a cut you fucking piece of shit oh my god congratulations so we go back we make love we celebrate it's exciting so she's in she's doing the show we're shooting the show together which is the second time we've shot a comedy central show together in the last three months what a marriage and we did late night on the same night so it's quite a situation this is a power cup yeah so then

after all this we're all celebrating we're excited just the two of us we jump on the train heading back home in the middle of the afternoon late afternoon now we get on the train she's excited i'm excited quite a relief we sit down and here comes a suspicious character wait a minute yes guy gets on the train sunday he looks white but might not be what might be like he looks almost like a white muslim maybe like a little eastern europe possibly eggshell could be latin not sure he's got scraggly kooky hair and like a be like a shitty beard like a like a chin stripe but like not grown in patchy hate a patchy and he's got this he's got this weird stair half grin then he's got this law almost like a bathrobe i can't tell if it's religious garb or like a silky bathrobe yeah

already a red flag here's the here's the clinker as you would say there's something under his shirt a big boxy item not holding it under his shirt attached to his waist oh and so we see this guy and he kind of walks through the train it's kind of a full train it's sunday afternoon so we're both like what the fuck is this and sarah looks petrified she doesn't scare easy she's a tough dame she's a texas whore yeah so she again with the whore oh sorry so she comes through the guy comes through then he turns goes back that way and she's like i want to get off this train i'm like i think we're i think it's okay i think he's just a nut a weird guy but like we'll get off the next time because the door is just closed we're moving so there's no

getting up right now so there's a whole moment where you think it's gonna be and i'm a marathon survivor mind you ah crock pot there's a whole moment where i'm waiting for this guy's belly to explode and shrapnel us in the face now is this queens yet are you still in the city no this is we got on at a street this is right at a street and why you oh wow so i'm thinking i'm like you know what this guy if he's gonna go through this trouble he's not gonna do a sunday afternoon you go to time square you do morning commute so i'm not the reality is i'm not too nervous but he's definitely a suspicious gentleman it's the lords day and nobody thinks anything's gonna happen no whatever things is gonna happen to them right you know what i mean everyone's like oh come on like because

as scary as terrorism is or even mass shootings the percentage of the chances of it happening are still very low of very low yes as astronomical and problematic as the numbers are you're more like a hit by a car or lightning i think yeah whatever it is i don't know about lightning mass shooting is gonna be a maybe a greater risk than yeah google that folks shall be shall be good line shall be like it in that was amazing what he did last week oh yeah i gotta listen you should listen but anyways so we moved to the next car immediately so like with the train we get to the next stop i'm like let's just go we move to the next stop just to feel safe although if he has a bomb it's still gonna derail the whole train yeah but you'll maybe a little

hurt yeah exactly we'll just get hurt but then we do that i'll wrap this up then later that same night i'm on the train i get on the train at queens heading back into the city and it's pretty empty now and a homeless gentleman gets on who i have a lot of empathy for but i don't want to sit next to him sure happy to help but he sits right close to the worst sitting right now and he's gonna say he's scratching him and then leave this homeless guy scratched his flakes and yes flying everywhere mist is coming off his face i could feel him looking at me and he's keeps going ah so i gotta i gotta get out of here next stop i'm gonna move so this is the second time now i've moved train car yeah that guy has a seller audition train train stops i go to the

next car i'm just going great i'm on this car now we go two stops a new maniac gets on he's wearing you know those when you get your feet injury like those like temporary cast a boot yes he's got two boots on gee that's a good pizza place it is now new orleans yeah that's right in italy louis yanna in italy so he gets on and he said he looks like the big Lebowski if he switched from pot to coke oh well said i like that i got a picture in my head so he's sitting there leg spread just kind of sitting there and i'm like he looks crazy but maybe he's fine and then we go about one stop all of a sudden he goes motherfucker fuck fuck he starts screaming so i go i gotta get off this train i'm gonna go to the other car the dude abides so i go he is not abiding so i go back to the

other the original car oh with old scraggly face and scraggly face is still there geez and so is everybody else so everyone else i feel like i'm getting judged they're like that's the guy wasn't he standing here left now he's back what is this guy yeah you're you're a flip flopper so i've done now my third train change of the day tranny yes you're transitioning train so i'm sitting there standing now now i'm standing because it's filled up a little bit we're getting deeper in the city the side the door opens from one car to the other while we're moving which is always a crazy person who changes cars while they're moving oh yeah quite dangerous here comes Lebowski he comes running and now i'm the only one standing and he's standing and he goes get out of my way you faggots and i go

ah i'm screaming and he's walking towards me so i do like the ultimate beta move i like turned into the corner like candy man's victims man i'm just like buried in the corner for a moment i have my back to him so like this guy could just grab me and punch me in the kidney or fuck me in the ass or whatever oh yeah the second one wouldn't be bad beta or orc so he moves and i just kind of look over my left shoulder and he's he cruises right through the next car oh but it was terrifying so it was four train changes in one day holy moly transitioning all safe and i went to the cellar had a great set that night no resolution on the bathroom what do you mean i mean was it a box was it a well we got the hell out of there but i think i

don't know what he was maybe he was selling you know mike and ike's or whatever but it scares me because you said it wasn't holding it that's what no it was strapped on it was like maybe it was a bulgy fanny pack but it was like boxy uh-huh it always like a story like this you always wish sarah was here to be like this is what it was to have her recap description right right because it but it looked boxy i didn't want to stare at the guy because they'd be like oh you want some of it yeah yeah exactly oh so it was quite terrifying and uh the moral of the story is is if you feel uncomfortable folks get the hell out of there get out yeah you don't want to get called a faggot terrific film uh but anyways is what what get out oh don't want to call the faggot i thought i missed

a gay film no no all right well we gotta wrap it up here we did it somehow we did yeah we got through sorry that was that was a roller coaster of anal there sorry folks we went up down and all around and we got series we got funny we got not funny we quit we hate each other so uh you can just marron the middle of it and fast right forward yeah this was like Hannah Gadsby where i'm like yeah this is our last one we'll never go back and then we won't come back because that's what she's doing but i think we learned i think we did a little laugh and learn yeah i learned a lot thank you for your political statements well i got a lot more i could teach you my friend science whatever else isn't listen i'll give you the real goods all right now where you and i hope i didn't offend

anybody with my comedy asian talk there i think we're fine all right who you the people that would be offended about already hate us all right well yeah right i got hate away so hatred on hate again don't hate again we don't hate again we're giving money to the gay if you don't like them matthew all right so where are you gonna be there fat man well st louis this weekend st louis funny bone with sarah tallamash we're out there we love it great club we gotta go go see uh what the hell's looking at the name of the bartender there oh brian shot oh brian oh brian forgot his name for a second just for a second you know i know yeah i love you uh you can take me to a big site and fucking up um st louis funny bone this weekend sarah will be there of course dr grins in grand

rapids on november 29th and 30th and december 1st then big december folks that's enough already i've just been kind of brushing over this but now it's time to take action folks give money the nature conservancy but any money you have left over buy a ticket to portland helium portland oregon drive in drive down from seattle if you have to drive in from all over yes great city from castle rock oregon if you have to great club portland helium december 6 7th and 8th sarah's coming with me on that gig as well the week after that good nights in raleigh rishi baby december 13 14 and then the big one the big apple of my eye the smell of my asshole philadelphia helium one of my all-time favorite i got sober there how about this and i'll be celebrating my sixth year anniversary

of sobriety in the place where i had my last drink isn't that crazy wow that is a gem my anniversary date in the place where i had the last drink of my life that's lunch at helium philadelphia december 27 28 29 fuck new years new years eve is fucking amateur hour uh save your money don't get beat up and deal with these fucking amateur idiots come out the day before the night two nights before 27 28 29 buy tickets early so it looks like i'm doing something with my life and join the patreon it's a great time to join the patreon patreon's cooking folks we'll probably do a bonus into this uh happy thanksgiving i'll be in the new york city this weekend so come on out to all the people going when are you gonna be in the city on the weekend so come on out to that then at the

Thanksgiving i'm doing haddiesburg on the 24th haddiesburg i forget the name of the place it's like bruise and bru blues and bruise and jews i don't know so then zany chicago that's gonna sell out let's sell out every goddamn show i'm there for two years i'm there for like a wednesdays to a sunday so let's really get cooking in shy town skyline comedy club appleton wisconsin never been excited to get to to the big cheese state yeah it's a good play i record my album there that's right and uh pittsburgh improv looking forward to yanis just when he said it was amazing then i'm doing that cinema arts in long island oh yeah i love that room i like that guy tell a friend max monas that doesn't sound right all right laugh boston speaking of new years come

come to bean town for new years and uh let's yuck it up on laugh boss go out on it's a good night to go out you want to be out on new years yes it's not amateur hour san francisco punch line very excited about that one love that club love that city i'm there january second through the fifth so come on out funny bone st louis after joe mohegan son hilarities in cleveland big room good nights rishi roar comedy club in springfield mass that's a new one helium comedy club in philly right after you and uh royal oak comedy i love that room great movie theater there and then we're both in vegas in march march 20th of the 24th you me veter arie vekyo very inclusive show butler gotta be fun uh are you laugh boss in that whole weekend yeah dude i might be up there come i might come up for new

years to see my fam damley oh come by well fuck i'm gonna i got dug key opening i'll try to get bulger to host or something oh man come by let's bean town it up so you're there the sunday the 30th too yes i might come up there for that come by to a guesty yes sir all right i'll think about i might i was thinking about doing that anyways because here's the thing i finally got new years off i was one of that my whole life and have new years off i've been working new years every year since i was 19 but now i have it off i'm like i don't really know what to do with myself wait a minute you're 36 yeah you've been doing comedy 18 years holy half my life lord it's amazing yeah good for you yeah i'm gonna blow a guy i was watching the night i was like man this guy is good at comedy oh thank

you you're 18 years and you go well he's all right good be better no i'm joking all right you're a killer we all love you i'm gay i'll see you next year praise all uh get on the patreon we still got merch out there don't forget about those t-shirts merch pump yeah we could use the money and louis could use the money but i mean we could use the money because i'm giving it all away because i'm a god damn i'm a true socialist yes i learned what that is recently and uh i'm an extrovert introvert so we'll see what happens and uh say hello come give us a hug and chipotle sucks yell at him thoughts loving