Tuesdays with Stories! - #273 Penetrate Me Fanny

Episode Date: November 20, 2018

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hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy ah good golly I'm on Molly holy hell we're here I'm sick and you're gay yeah I'll probably be sick now it's funny because we're talking we were talking to

our new lead what did you what is fanny to us leader person I don't know I mean we like her she's getting us ad we love her yeah she's helping us with ads I think she's not a producer no she's like a kind of a producer a manager she's somebody she's an ally maybe she's our ad man and woman ad person yes ad lady and she's just she's our fanny we got fanny she's not a fan she's a fanny she I think she's a fan too she's a fanny club how about I think I've told the story many many times but I want to tell it again here again I was at a Red Sox Indians game early 90s Manny Ramirez who

went on to great prominence with the Red Sox was playing with the Indians I'm on the third base side with my dad and a guy next to us many Ramirez is the hitter and he says hey Manny you taking up the fanny you fucking faggot wow it was a quite a heckle that is a beauty and by the way I was 12 and I couldn't stop laughing for four innings my dad and I it was the closest my dad and I have ever been I don't condone the language but my god it was poetry the simplicity of it though he just nailed that nice punch at the end you got a fag in there a fanny in there I mean he rhymed well it was like so fanny Manny

you taking up the fanny was kind of rhyming but then he like he lost his ability to be skillful and just tagged it with fucking fag and it was loud and proud like if you do that now you'd be kicked out of the ball I mean I'm in trouble for repeating the story probably but probably yeah he just let it fly and everyone went yeah take that you piece of shit the question is did he prepare that at home or was that like was he on the car ride over going I'm sitting on gold baby or good question did he just pop in right there like a like an improv student I bet it popped in but but fanny I mean did you have the term fanny it

feels very English Irish New England now he's around me that's like a babysitter like wipe your fanny in face of shit you know right but it's definitely like of English origin right the fanny I guess yeah I guess seems like it's like you know poo poo or wee wee but it feels more proper than that like fanny feels like a very like you got white gloves on and a pair of heels and pearl necklace sure sure as fanny is being penetrated yeah yes penetrate me fanny yes yeah I guess you have something there fanny penetrate me fanny we got to write a movie or a pilot something that's got to go something yeah it's gonna go right

speaking of pilots hey we caught it did you catch the new Cohen brothers I haven't yet I want to hear I can't watch it on Netflix I got to see it in the theater it's crazy on that you're like I can't believe this is on television it's too coiny I know but here's the thing I gotta I have too much respect for the the fucking the Coins I got to go to the theater yeah I was gonna go do it today that's why I want I was cool with moving the time but I didn't know it was in the theater I just thought oh yeah it's a goldmine I felt like I was the break beating the system watching on Netflix that's on IFC I can't wait to see it I'm

a big fan I love them that they mean a lot to me I'm a big fan he up the fanny it's it's oh yeah I won't don't go into it but it's a doozy still still I like to go in fresh I saw this movie widows with Sarah widow widow with the midgets what that's willow oh willow I love willow Val Kilmer in a midget I don't care for it it's creepy it's too weird I don't know and everybody's got long hair they're all little well I was gonna be honest here I was doing a proverbial love willow like I was just throwing it out there I mean I'm not that familiar with the picture to be honest I haven't seen it since 1978 it's too much fantasy it's a much look

I'm glad the midgets are getting work because they they booked them all on that puppy well there's no small parts there's only small actors you got that right Macaulay Culkin what's he like he's a good kid he's a good kid whatever happened to that guy which guy Macaulay Culkin Mickey oh Mickey he's got to be alive somewhere you know remember him folks a little guy from Seinfeld now the little people die cuz I know Giants die real young early the little people too no I bet they live longer they're like elves yeah their hearts do less work yes but they have hearts they got big hearts they're people I've never met a mean

midget I think they are little people I want to really get back on the straight and narrow here because it was all fun and games with Fanny but we got a we don't want to affect these midgets we got to call them little people oh what about dwarves that's bad too I believe dwarves is in I can't tell I only know Nick Nick Novicki of course good pal of ours he's a cute play hoop with us yeah he's great played hoop he played hoop I told you that's that's another great story the I've probably told it before the Astoria basketball Association my first move to everyone I met was we played basketball big J. O'Korson Nate

Soder myself Metzger a lot of people would always be playing over the honest would come play the ABA yes Ted Alexander was a big guy fish was big over there Moody McCarthy it was a whole crew and Nick Novicki would play and Nick Novicki if you're not familiar he's a comedian he was on what's the show not Deadwood the one with Atlantic City Bushemi oh damn what's that call Empire Carnival Empire something Empire Brooklyn Empire Empire evil Empire Empire strikes back Ottoman Empire shit I think it's just Empire now Empire is a black show who what is that Bushwick Empire it was Steve Buscemi Bushemi Empire it happened

boardwalking boardwalking yes boy do I want to tongue in my ass well he would play Nick Novicki and I never saw the program but he would he's a good guy comic but he would play basketball and you'd kind of let him when you get the ball we'd let him take a shot he's too fat so he's done one time the baskets what time it's the equivalent like figure he's probably a hat on a roof no well it's a print no it's high no he's half my height so the hoop is twice as high so it's like a 20 foot hoop you we can get up to you have to chuck it like 20 foot hoops nothing to sneeze at he didn't have form he would fucking hurl it up there

huh yeah but you got guys guardian try to block that's what I'm saying we would let him shoot ah did he was he aware that this was a little pussyfoot well this is let me get to the story and then you ask your questions at the end I'm so curious about the little man in the basketball so he would throw it up there did get a couple in you know sometimes he wouldn't but then it's 98 it's 98 fucking us you know I mean 98 98 down the wire it's a barn burner it's a barn burner and he goes to shoot it up there and Nate Barghetti is guarding him he just catches it would do it doesn't block it just catches the ball dribbles it

out and just like and after the game we're all like what are you doing I think I'm not gonna lose yeah I'm not just gonna lose a game to be nice like you gotta give him a few shots but once it's down to eight seven nine eight you know fuck off dude playing big boy yeah but he that's the best block of all time he just caught the ball with two hands dribbled it out and shot a three but yeah it was definitely you try to not dominate if he was guarding yeah yeah but I mean you could just technically pick him up and just throw him out of bounds well it's a foul I mean that's a flagrant I mean it's a court yard is a

ball what do you call this a ball street ball yeah ball and you know and then the other famous story we've told everywhere of course was we were playing the projects in Astoria yeah and these two I once all these local young kids would get out of school and come try to play and then Nate Barghetti red state Nate who has a thick Tennessee accent he tried to explain it's comedians only but the way he said it was we only play with our own people that was a quote to two black teenagers and it was no long fight I was like you can't say that I see I even saying he's like I met comedians our friends yeah what do you think I'm like

I know you I know what you mean I know you're a good person just your words we're gonna come back here and shoot us right wow well you only play with our own people and by the way we happen to be all white that day usually Rondell Hartley would be there there's a few other black guys that would play that day it was all mayonnaise it was all it was a cream puff cracker town there's a big pile of cum yeah but it on my back but anyways wow no Vic I hope he never hears this is that bad he's probably cool with it I think he's fine yeah I mean he's a comedian and he's aware he's little yeah he's a comedian he's a fucking

hilarious guy but by the way great comic great actor there you go great comic funny guy cool guy always been nice to me he was leaps above I shouldn't say leaps but he was way ahead of me in the biz and he was always nice oh yeah good guy really funny but I'm sure I mean there's a Nate's told a million he's got a bunch of great Nick Novicki stories wow yeah we only play with our own unless they're dwarfs let them in I think it's little people is I think I think dwarf is cool I don't think so well dwarf is something different I think I don't know much about anything I don't know either I have to tweet us

because I thought dwarf was kind of like saying person of color oh yeah I think so and little people is like African American people of color is good yeah colored people is bad it's so silly it's all pick and choose none of it makes sense just call them black yeah whatever whatever it is I try to be a good human being you try but the rules keep changing and no one really cares is my theory hmm you pretend to care it's a lot of fake outrage and then we all go to jail and get fired and then then they seem happy when you get fired well anyways let's get into some business I start telling a story I can't even remember

well we went from little people now before that it was oh Manny Rabir we went on quite a thing here what's called digress oh that started with Fanny Fanny's are our ad lady lady person yes ad but we got an ad coming up folks you're not gonna want to miss that one ad max but anyways it's good to see we're here in New York City it's Thanksgiving week happy Thanksgiving we're just two days away from giving thanks yeah turkey day and this is a fun one because this is one that we're recording just a mere hours before it comes out I mean Shelby probably hates us because we're giving it to him down to

the wire yeah down the little person sorry Shobo Shobo macaroni and cheese and but anyways let's get into some business a lot of a lot of stuff here to poke at yeah I just got back from St. Louis and boy is my emotions defeated I mean folks if you're listening from St. Louis thank you to the fucking nine of you that came up but I had some tough tough times in St. Louis it feels like you're blowing up in the career and the pod is taking off and then you do a weekend in St. Louis in Yowza I don't know if it's our town to be honest with you I think I think we're big in the the Libby

towns you got your Austin your Denver your Philly your Chicago Chicago yeah well don't prove us wrong come out in Chicago I'm there in January for God's sake I'm there in a week I need you God knows I need you at Zaini's yes they I'll be there January 17 through 90 that's a little space there's a couple months they can rebuild up your tolerance for comedy Tuesday tall yeah um Amash but yeah I was in St. Louis and I've been going there for years I've been headlining me for years I went there with Louis I brought him to the club it was a whole thing but my god I mean the numbers not good it was one of the owner gives the numbers he

goes I wouldn't look at this crushed now I'm gonna let people in on a little secret little piece of the biz here a little show biz behind the curtain now your agent sends you a deal he sends you there's a guarantee money we're gonna give you at least this amount or we'll give you a percentage of the door if it reaches more than the guarantee all right they call it a versus yes and versus predator they give you the number they go we went with the guarantee because here's the percentage number yeah mine was in the negative dollars and this is a guy 18 years in the business tonight show multiple

conans netflix comedy central letterman letterman I mean I mean and not just doing I'm doing pretty well I might say killing bennington over there I'm on the bonfire every once in a while legionist guy wherever you can be Ari's fat cat and you really realize we're fucking loses oh we got nothing going on wait no draw I know I ate youtube guys who could buy me three houses in a jet ski right now yeah so if you're listening if your fans spread the word here's what I suspect I think there's some people that maybe listen to the pod and doesn't even occur

to them to go see us do stand up I think that's happening I think they're like this is a radio show we don't care about fucking dumb dick jokes right not to mention the hours we put on to the stories I tweet jokes every goddamn day and nobody gives a fucking posting of pictures of me with 18 filters on it and just trying to write a funny caption and all for not that's man it was to breath and by the way the Tuesdays that did come there was a wonderful couple that came Thursday brought a Starbucks gift card for Sarah and I thank I felt bad I busted his balls for not proposing to his wife or lady that old gag I felt like I

did it one too many times and I was like ah geez yeah that's me he's probably like fucking list a piece of shit yeah they're they're broken up now but anyways they were nice and then there was a father son couple that came out and uh I don't love their couple they're a couple of people couple of guys look like firemen you never know and they were nice so there was a few and I think also I want to say this if you're a Tuesday please do say hello yes I think we've like scared people to be like don't look at them they're fucking crazy these guys yeah I like a hello I like and I love you a high five a hug a dick

touch a thumb in the ass please one guy walked by he was like I know you don't like me touching he kept moving and I was like what ah Jesus yeah well at least stop and say hi I'm a fan I'm gay and I gotta thank all the I'm getting Chipotle cards left and right and God love you but here's a here's an idea uh-oh I've eaten about 400 burritos this week and it's only Tuesday so anyway we could switch that to uber or lift I'm a lift guy I'm a lift guy too but uber people know it more uh-huh so I don't know give me an uber card if you can I'm not I don't want to be a ascii jansky here but I'm just saying let's switch it over to

uber I gotta I gotta ride to the airport here yeah a lot of people switch to I'm loving the Starbucks but the Chipotle like I said I mean I could do a Scrooge McDuck dive into a pool of gift cards here yes yes and they're not we got a couple biggies lately so I know I'm set for you know Trump's full run here couple weeks hopefully that's not very long but that's I don't want to digress oh yeah I don't want to piss anybody I know he's fat and old but let me say also can I say this as far as people I had through this happened three times this weekend I would like to get into this thing that happens and it's happened to

me when I feature because I featured for longer than you're supposed to feature here we go and this happened me three times all women and Sarah was opening a lady three different women walk up to both of us standing together and say to her I like you better to her yes and then didn't even recognize that I was didn't say you were funny or anything like that wow you had three of those three in a weekend yes one walked and they're all I think this is part of the not that they by the way I don't care if they think she's funnier or even if they think I suck that's gonna have you don't have to be overtly rude yes and I think it's part of this divide of like women and men and fuck men where I'm like

you're being shitty to me that's very aggressive it was very I said that to one woman she was like I thought she's like she said she didn't say to me you were funny but I liked you way better you were funnier wow and I was like that's not very nice to say in front of me and she went well you're welcome what and then walked away what is that and I was like that was like great and even like Sarah's like upset it's annoying because I had it when I featured to my thing was always like people would say I would occasionally that would happen and they'll go I like you better which I don't even like when they say it privately I mean you feel weird yeah exactly you appreciate but just say I think you're great yeah hilarious you really spoke to me yes and what's also hard

with because I'm speaking from experience when you're featuring you're like well I was doing half the amount of time yeah that guy got checks yeah drunker it's a much much more difficult job featuring is a lot easier and you just look good but it was just a thing so it happened that time and I was like that's not very nice I could not say something assert and then there was another woman that just came up this one she didn't even recognize me I had just walked up to the show had just ended and she's like you were you were great you were so funny pointing to Sarah yeah while I'm standing like it's only she didn't know I was standing there was standing shoulder to shoulder yes and then just walks away and you're like all right I mean at least acknowledge that

you just saw me perform yes for 50 minutes and by the way I'm like destroying ah weird and you're like all right fuck it who are these people what is that that I mean those people should be put in a cage and tased until they understand what they did it's very offensive and then we were walking in and there was a woman as we're walking in Sarah and I to the club some woman's like oh that's the guy you better make us laugh oh that tone we're like what what it's like in therapy like what do you what's your intention with that right how are you trying to make me feel you're trying to be hurtful yes towards me you're shitting wow that is evil I wonder if it's the same woman actually and you're the bad guy no matter what you go hey what's up with that and they go

oh you can't take it or oh hey what are you mad at us for you pussy like wait why why am I getting ragged on here you're the cunt yeah it's very strange and like also you can reach out to somebody tweet at somebody email so I thought you were great and to be honest I didn't really I wasn't why are you telling me purposely that you didn't like me yes don't you have to do that get out of here I hate it I hate them I hate that they don't that how could you I'm a dumb guy and how come I can realize this is crazy why can't they realize well they do realize I'm trying to be me you think so yes I don't know I don't want to live the woman did it in that way and then walked away like she was like I liked you way better you're much funnier and then Liam like well okay she's like you're

welcome wow I do I think there's an amount of like fuck men we're gonna stick together and it's a very small percentage most people sure hundreds of people walk by and went hey thank you by the way there was hundred people there because they papered the room yeah paper but so it was packed but forest on that one most people walk by and go you were great and you were great you're both hilarious great show we love the show you're amazing big fan of both you whatever it's just like why are you being confrontational I don't get it yeah I didn't do it and also you're a nice guy like in your act I could see a woman being mad at me I have some poking and prodding that I like to do whatever but your act is not really I'm not really shitting on anybody no it's a pretty uh victimless it's

act it's neutral yeah I just uh it was like boy all right like what would you do if she saw you like the fucking Bobby Slayton or something yeah yeah but it's happened before and like again I've been on both ends of it and it's uh it's not a great feeling but at least say it when the person's got separation or even yes yes I'm not I expect people to like other people way more than me or like even if you think I suck yeah I'm okay with it just don't tell me we talked about this when the Netflix then came out I don't mind if people think I'm horrible yeah just don't don't reach out don't tag me and be like hey you're bad you suck well I'm like what the fuck's wrong with you yeah I hate a lot of movies I don't reach out to the director and say you stink

I had a guy on Twitter today go like I was on Jim and Sam and he was like hey uh tag me not a fan when you're on you're cocky and you're over confidence bugs me and I wrote like wow first but I don't have to tell me that and second you don't know me at all I'm freaking out the whole time I hate myself I have no confidence I'm terrified he's like oh all right and people started jumping in like this guy can't even buy himself a smoothie he hates himself like he's a bed wetter piece of shit and he was like oh I didn't realize that I take it all back and it's like what are you doing here what's your what are you doing with your day this is your day get out of here get a life they're sad and most people not most people but a lot of people will reneg if you

kind of bring it to them in fact I had a nice speaking of which a nice internet victory it felt like this week laying on me fatty well I did the new comedy seller show which everyone should be watching if you're a comedy fan this week at the comedy seller Friday nights at 11 p.m. headlines become punchlines oh that's what they call it yeah go check it out it's a great show it's at our our home in the love of our lives the comedy seller and they just shoot regular shows and just show it to you here here yeah it's all topical it's all brand new new jokes folks coming at you so we were featured on last week's episode I did a joke they put it on Comedy Central put it on Instagram and they did the thing with the subtitles I love it and in the joke I said the

word segue and they spelt it s e g w a y which it's supposed to be I guess s e g u e ah well I didn't do it but then some kid he commented it's segue dumbass and then someone responded to his comment and wrote uh yeah why you gotta be negative ass I think he used the n-word we said why you gotta be negative bro or whatever was it a black folk yeah yeah okay uh version like he's like damn I think he said damn bro you know I'm using bro where that goes bro works and he said uh then someone else was like yeah what the hell what do you think he right so then the kid writes a second comment and writes uh hey fuckheads overreacting I just think you should try to be professional and spell words right and I'm just trying to point out blah blah blah so I responded

to him first of all I didn't write it this is what I wrote to him I was like I didn't write it second of all you're not just trying to tell someone to act professional you're trying to shame them for spelling a word wrong and you're trying to let everyone know that you're smarter and you know how to spell this word that's what you're trying to do yeah that's what you're doing yes don't I hate when just embrace being an asshole yes if you're like if you're like hey dumbass you spelled it wrong don't try to go hey I just want you to be professional and have the best no no no embrace it right you're a piece of shit yeah you wanted to call me dumb yes you're a fuckhead it's a comedy just be a fuckhead yeah be a it's a comedy clip and you're worried about

professionality get the fuck out I know and professionality I like that word is that a word no dumbass damn bro why you gotta be all right but so now there's he raised the whole thing he raised the comment he raised the whole thread which I kind of felt like that's a Vic it was nice because you're like what are you I just that's not what you're trying to do just be your your troll yeah so then maybe I think he was like ah maybe he's right I am an asshole I did do this thing and deleted it it's also like he's like oh that's the thing he said he's like I actually enjoyed the comedy I'm like well why don't you comment that you enjoyed the comedy well that's just right this is funny it's harder to be nice people they don't have it in them being nice is hard here's

the other thing and I looked up the kid I looked at the kid's name he's like a teenager yeah so at best he learned how to spell the word segue a year ago maybe and it is a tricky word it's got a little spelling most people would spell segue s e g w a y so it's like you're a dumbass for spelling that word wrong right you fuck your family how do you spell dumbass d u m b a s s all one word but then he also he did have grammatical errors later on which I oh I wrote that in my comment ironically your grammar is bad right here there it is boy you really cream this guy it was pretty enjoyable I have to say and it's a rare because I thought it was gonna be a back and forth hey fuck you oh that's rare baby I just I hate that thing of like all I was trying to do

is this no it's not professional it's not not a word it might be oh boy professional profession I just thought it'd be a fun thing to do fun gig professionality should be a word it sounds like a word it works in that context professionalism I think that's what I was looking for professionalism so st lou well I got a couple other thing I feel like I'm hogging here no hog no hog here I'll just say this I went to Seattle love Seattle great club great city I just love that city I love that whole area the Portland Seattle that corner of the continent Pacific Northwest country country corner yes and so I got a 7 a.m. flight to Seattle it's a six hour that's a hefty hog it's a job so of course I go well the Comedy Central party is tonight and we were talking about that the

festivals in town oh yes the New York Comedy Fest the whole gang Regans in town Joel McHale Bill Burr's doing the garden that's our that's our gang it's a bus in the air our gang and so I go well just pop into the party got an early flight I'll pop in I'll fly out so uh I go to the party I guys start pounding booze Bert Kreischer's there he's doing the whole thing his shirt's on surprisingly but it's November he ain't sober we're doing it everybody's there I am dancing I got a layup shit on my head I got a towel around my asshole I got a tie around my neck I'm flipping it out I'm freaking out I'm cutting a rug I don't get home till about 5 30 oh my word we went to a party then an after party and then an after after at some hotel it got kooky I mean you gotta be at

the airport in 20 minutes exactly so I came home and I packed I did the drunk pack where you throw in a snorkel a coffee machine and a toaster and I just threw on a moomoo and I said all right I would close my eyes for just a just a wink of room okay and so I gotta get up in 20 minutes brush my teeth and get out I fell asleep of course I overslept oh my god I get the fucking Uber I'm yelling at the overlay oh I'm sorry I love you I'm still fucking hammered baby we get to the airport somehow I blazed through I got that clear I love clear clear clear so I get there I get in I'm the last guy on I'm lugging my shit on I mean I'm on Alaska air which I didn't know is a thing yeah like that painting who's that guy on there I think it's a Native American it's a wing yeah is

it somebody or is it I think it's uh Saka Puntus just a regular guy I think it's Geronimo little Caesar I think it's Geronimo because he jumps out of planes doesn't he bond I think he's a somersault guy somersault all right well don't you do that you yell Geronimo when you're on the diving board yeah when you jump which is a weird thing to call a plane Geronimo yeah there's something I don't know also I don't Native Americans they never flew I don't even flown their lives no they flew the coop when we came in and started hacking them up and stuff yeah they got the smallpox and they got the flu yeah we did not treat them well no but they got a casino I guess yeah they got that but that's something sorry that's only a few most of them it's not going well most of them

alcoholics well we got a football team do that does that bother them I don't know that it bothers them I think it bothers other people there's a few football teams redskins chiefs and there's the Braves the Indians and then there's the red socks yeah world champs oh boy well either way the Indians ain't happy so I get on that Indian plane and I am hurting oh I'm talking I'm on fucking an hour and 10 minutes of sleep I got the droopy face my eyes are burning my breath smells like your mom's asshole I mean it is bad I'm sitting in the seat like this I just I'm like a gargoyle I got one leg up I can't even focus oh and I'm just trying to sleep but you can't sleep because you're so hungry you're burping up just whiskey and tequila and jizz and oh my god it

was the longest six hours of my life every now and then I like doze off and then that cunt would hit you with a cart and go look the cunt oh cunt the cart cunt and she'd go up sorry there watch the aisle because I was like leaning into the aisle and oh man I can I was counting the sack I was like how fucking long is this flight I asked the lady like what do we got here she's like you've been on for 20 minutes it's a big country it is and I was a big fat cunt so I finally landed was I mean I was praying to Allah praying to Lord Jesus Christ I was such pain I was going to the uh to the bathroom and drinking out of the faucet because I was so dehydrated and god I wanted to kill myself I told myself I'll never drink again I ended up drinking that night but finally I get

to Seattle I get to the guy I get in his car and I'm just thinking about that hotel it's like 2pm the show's at 8 so I got like a good six hours I'm just gonna fucking crash I get there the guy goes hey Mark he's the owner picks me up he's like a trying to do a thing like I'm picking up the comic I care I like your act I'm gonna pick you up which club is this Seattle laughs yes yes and I go oh I appreciate it I tell the guy I'm like I'm like crawling to him I'm so fucked I mean I can't stand up sure I got that cock neck and I get to him and I go uh yeah let's uh let's mosey baby I'm dying here I can't move and he goes do you mind if we head to the beer depot and uh pick up a couple cases because I need them for the show tonight oh my god and I

go have you heard of this no I've never been to a depot I've been to a train depot yeah I've been home depot but not when I'm hung over so I go I just want to go home like I'm like dude I can can we just get to the hotel and I'm not that guy usually I'm like yeah well pack and I could tell in his head he was like I'm gonna go with this guy to pick up some beer it'll be fun it'll be like a thing we do what about a gay bar called homo depot oh homo depot I like it that's something and you get a couple Mexicans outside to pick them up you get a free homo there you go well it's a day labor or gay labor gay labor gay labor homo depot gay labor getting my fanny all right all right so uh I go what ah dude I I can't even lift my own body my head is falling

off let alone lift a couple cases of beer throw them in the trunk like a fucking Chevy you're supposed to lift the beer I gotta go into depot the homo depot help the homo beer no way I couldn't believe it I was dreaming about this holiday in or a red roof in I just wanted to lay in a pile of some guys jizz that's all I want yes I love come yes so I go I don't know man I don't know we gotta we gotta we gotta hotel it he's mad now he's upset his whole thing is ruined so I go dude come on we gotta get to that hotel and I'm just going drop let me out I'll Uber I'll lose that's where I'm at in my life that's how miserable I was and he goes all right I will drive you he gets lost what he gets lost on the way to the hotel come on we do eight loops on the

highways like I'm going the wrong way now he's flipping that wheel all over creation she was we don't get we don't get to my hotel for another hour probably an hour and 10 the car oh my word well this is the problem too with the travel it's not we talked about this maybe before it's not just a six hour flight sing it sister you gotta get a 45 minute cab ride you gotta wake up 20 minutes for the cab ride then you gotta go through security that's 10 minutes then the boarding process is a half hour then you fucking ride on the what do you call that can I dole or no no you don't get that that's the K-man did that yeah that's right what do you call it when you're on taxi you get a taxi for 75 minutes then it takes 20 minutes to get off the plane then you gotta pick

up your bag then you gotta suck your own dick you gotta get a coffee yeah and you know that's a whole thing the actual then you get off picked up the actual travel is like nine hours it's like a nine hour travel day to go across the country at least completely totally nine hours then it took an hour and a half or hour and 10 to get to the fucking hotel I got to that hotel I closed the but it's a beautiful day sun shining it's fucking 3pm that's rare there too I know I close those blinds I put the phone off the hook which I don't think people ever actually have done that I don't think no one's called me I put the phone down I close all the windows and I just conk I conked out till 728 jumped in the shower and I was still hurting but it was fine but here's my point uh-huh I'm 35 I'm

getting too old for this shit and uh oh by the way I was shitting out just Hormel chili it was brutal so I get to the club I'm full house here we got a packed show a lot of Tuesdays thanks for coming out a lot of Tuesdays and uh Chipotle cards I get on stage lady third row filming camera up not even trying to hide it just camera right up over over the guy's head in front of her and I go I'm two minutes into my act it's going well I go hey hey ma'am could you not film me and she pretends to not hear it and I go hey hey could you stop stop filming and this is a fine line because you want to have some authority but you don't want to just call her a fucking fat cunt and ruin her life yeah so I go hey could you really stop I'm talking to you with the care I see you

there I'm not an idiot and she was like and she laughs at me while recording so I go turn the fucking camera off kind of hoping maybe somebody'll jump in here of course nobody cared and I go turn the camera off put it down and now people are going put it down lady put it down oh boy she's still holding and laughing while I'm filming this is great footage for her yes she's got a douche on stage going hey you fat skank yeah turn the camera off and I went she won't do it she's laughing she's like a papa nazi aha that was a stretch yes so so finally I go all right turn it off and I just put the mic on the stool and I wait oh wow I had no other option you're like a mrs dingleberry the high school science teacher all right I don't know a teacher all right well I try to think of

my teacher's name I couldn't do it so I said dingleberry oh I see well either way I was lying I didn't put the phone on the stool I was getting the mic on the stool but I said hey just just drop it and she finally this is two minutes finally puts the phone down now she's furious furious so I go fuck her and I just do the set but I keep looking at her and she's like arms cross stink guy furrowed brow dirty twat the whole thing her brow was furrowed and she's telling her friend like could you believe this guy's not even good he's like sucks and I'm like fuck you I'm killing I'm killing you dirty whore oh this is dingleberry that I just can't stand the I'm a bitch and I tell you you're a bitch and now you're mad at me yeah I know that's what that's what happens

that's how it goes yeah people it's it's kind of like um in in sports or in school I guess the person that retaliates is always the one that gets in trouble aha it's similar well like someone will be like hey yeah your piece of shit and they'll push you and then you push back and then the referee goes what a personal file yeah you go now he pushed me first she pushed you first yes yeah so but she was fine well hey we gotta yeah we gotta take a quick break here to give you our latest ad and this is an ad just for us you guys are gonna love this if Pete ever there was a product a thing yes for our people it is roman roman are you guys familiar with roman out there I love roman get a go to roman.com slash Tuesdays that's roman.com slash Tuesdays for a free online visit

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that we're gonna get it too big I got a couple things so yesterday was Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday the Lord's Day and I had two cab incidents one one something something one something something oh they put a little stank on that second something so we get home and Sarah and I were in St Louis we fly back we get to LaGuardia no line terminal C just just the way it happened sometimes you wait 30 40 minutes oh there's a line out of your asshole on that thing it's like the Macy's day parade yes exactly that leaves my ass a lot of people don't realize that yes Snoopy poopy with a peanut we come out we come out Joe Mackie uh wait that was a reference to the other thing as bonus get on the bone to get on the patreon folks because you'll get that reference yeah

you gotta have the callbacks yeah we got a little bit call forward because I'll come out on Thursday or Friday who knows but go to the patreon we just did another bonus right before this episode yeah happy Thanksgiving ton of bonus shit on there I mean there's several full episodes worth the stuff on there live eps as well it's amazing get us poster as well so anyways we land we go there's no line for cab we're the only two and I go hey my god they have a little thing you gotta you rate your experience it's like frowny face whatever I've seen I go you're getting a big smiley face my friend and the guy fist bumped the guy the dispatcher yes he gives me a cab he was that's your cab I jump in and the guy goes the guys uh I think he's Indian he goes what uh

what's so exciting I go there's no line this is amazing and he goes where are you headed I go Astoria and he goes oh my the fuck is up dumb dumb dumb they swears under his breath he's like there's no line for you hour and a half of me Astoria mother and he's like pissed they get mad because Astoria is so close to LaGuardia they wait for an hour to pick someone up but they get what's called a short return ticket so after they drop you off you can just come right back to the airport get in the front of the line to get a new fare all right well that's not so bad exactly and here's the thing I think I'd prefer a short term ticket that's your job you pick people up and take them to where they live I know these people with the bitching now I know not these people

with the cabbies no but obviously we're bitching about our job but we're bitching about our jobs going wrong a lady's filming you or a guy's yelling or someone's mean this is like everything is gone right you came to the cab stand at the airport I need a ride you pick me up this is where I live I live down the street you gotta drive me there I'm gonna pay you and tip you yeah so to be like you fucking piece of shit you know what I mean I hate that's what I'm saying they're bitching it's one thing if you're getting heckled or the show starts later we want you to take you the homo beer depot yeah but this is like I don't know this is exactly how your job works I don't understand so I get in the car and he goes where are you going in this story I go out 30th street

and he goes yeah you're 30th street you gotta go I'm away I want to have like this guy and he's yelling me so I just got whatever I just ignore it then we get to my house 15 minutes later and he goes uh you paying with cash I go no I'm paying with a car I got a corporate car I go no I pay with a car he goes Jesus cry you pay with a car okay great great and I go well you pay you you take card right it's fine sir it's fine I go yeah it is fine I pay you take credit card yes and he's like I waited an hour and a half and you go to story goes you should start taking uber uber is better for you take uber what is this guy idiot which is amazing because every yellow it's a huge controversy the yellow cab driver spent a million dollars on their medallions and now they're worthless

because uber's ruining it they hate uber I go take uber I go the everyone that you says says the opposite I don't get it and he's like oh yeah he's like you're just you're an uber person this is bullshit I waited an hour and a half and I go all right I go then I you open the trunk I got my bag I go by the way you walk him to the tip I shouldn't have tipped you you jerk yeah other jerk you want me to jerk got you a jerk and then I regret I should have left the trunk open so we had to get out that's a good move that's a good power but I I closed it and still tip 20% oh but I'm like I got a store called this is how it works this is where I live you're mad at me for living close to the airport yeah this guy's a menace it was really frustrating I hope he uh drives off the uh Brooklyn

bridge well funny you should bring that up aha because later on in the same day the night I went Sarah and I went home we hung out we watched a movie boobly boob we catch up on real time yada yada then we go to the village underground we each go with now seller Sarah's in at the seller now so we go back to back which after you very exciting you Sarah me it was so exciting yeah the big threesome yes I'm waiting we get in the cab take the cab home the guy says I get in I go Astoria and the guy goes oh Astoria gee oh okay okay so now he's mad now now he's this guy's Pakistani or Afghani Middle East he's got a turban oh fun big scraggly beard and uh which is pretty standard cab driver yeah a lot of things that's a cliche for a reason so now he seems upset that I said

Astoria but not boy not angry he just goes oh Astoria oh okay Astoria geez it's a bit of a ride so I go all right yeah I mean I don't know what to tell you that's where I live and I'm gonna pay you the amount that you request yes and then I'm gonna tip you yes I don't completely understand tipping cab drivers by the way but I always do it uh well you don't understand it I don't completely understand it is is it your job or is not your job you set the price for the service yes I don't understand what the tip is for well that's same with waiting tables no because with waiting tables they're paid they're underpaid and then the tip is well but that's the way it works and then you're saying like the the restaurant pays you to work there I'm paying you to bring my food

specifically but with this they're like here's what it costs to get from here to Astoria is $20 and then I'm like okay here's $24 yeah I don't under you still you took me from there to there yeah I mean I don't get it with the waiter really either I get it but I don't understand you know what if Dwayne Reed or Rite Aid went look people are gonna come in I can't afford to pay you that much but they'll tip you yeah same with a bartender tipping's tricky it's tricky and we it's become this norm but there's no real guidelines or rules behind it yeah something some people tip gas pumpy people yes but then in like Jersey it's illegal to pump your own gas I'm like why am I tipping because I would I would be doing it yes you created a law exactly and then you tip a

bartender but you don't tip a guy at a hotel who makes like your omelet that guy's fucking busted ass yeah I'm confused I don't understand all the tipping or oil change you don't tip them but I do it I mean I play ball I do we all play ball we don't get jizz in our taco but we get tipped I mean we did Chipotle they bought a ticket to the show then they give us Chipotle but we're just asking you don't have to true and we're doing hours of free podcast also so I don't know anything about anything but anyways I tipped the guy so now I get in the cab heading back to Queens and the guy I go yeah he goes all right Astoria and I say all right take the upper level to 21st street and then make a right on 34th and he goes uh how about I'll take I'll take the lower level

uh-oh and I go okay sure you could take that too because it's two levels two different directions so he says he said I'll take the lower level and I was I didn't think anything of it I went all right sure take the lower level I'm not in the fighting mood I had a good set so I could be like I just said to do the opposite of that yeah because that is the law they have to go the route you choose oh is that right yes oh I like that or the rule anyways it's posted in the back all right if you say I'm going to quit take fucking 10th Avenue up my ass and go to Jersey before you take me to Brooklyn that's what they're supposed to do is that right yeah fun well and I mean they'll get paid more because they're sure sure but they also have the rule if the door if you're in the door's closed

they have to take you anywhere you want have you heard that yeah there's but they cracked down when I first moved here yes I would say a story they go no I'm not going to Queens yeah me too and they drive away of course that they had they cracked down because of all the racism it was mostly racism oh is that right yeah because black people would be like hey I want to go to Bed-Stuy to like fuck you motherfucker and take off so like yeah the city had to crack down like if people say Harlem you got to go to Harlem yeah you pick this I used to live in Crown Heights and you have to get in the car close it and then go Crown Heights and they go ash exactly but anyways so let me get to the structure I know you got a big one we're running out of fucking time oh jeez we're cooking so we

get in the cab Sarah and I were minding our peas and cues we're fingering each other's butts and pooholes cab confessions we get to the Queensboro bridge the lower level and we're just driving on the bridge I always look out it's a beautiful view and all of a sudden he starts putting a little bit of like mmm what he got a stick and I go is this guy texting because I'm sitting behind him Sarah's on the other side I know is he fucking texting he must be texting so I kind of like peek around no text interesting that's my first thought he's texting that's why he's driving might have a Jimmy leg so then he's just going and we're slowing down to like a crawl and I hear oh fuck like a weird sound and I go what what's going is he all right is this guy all right and Sarah's kind of looking

at her phone she's not too worried but I'm a I'm all of a sudden I'm on a swivel yeah I'm behind the guy so I'm trying to look around but I also don't want to be taking up all the privacy with the guys like what the fuck's your problem you don't have a head in the window yeah so I go sir is everything all right here and he's like oh yes yes yes everything's fine everything's fine and the car is kind of putting fast slow slow and we're going really slow now now we're like at the middle of the bridge I just hear and went down to like 15 miles an hour and I go sir I don't know what's something wrong with the car you put the hazards on put the hazards on because cars are whizzing by us in the right angle and that bridge is tight those lanes are tight tiny bridge people are doing

50 laying on the horn I go you can put so he puts the hazards on and he comes down almost to a stop in the middle of the bridge so now I start taking photos of his ID number in his neck because I don't know what the fuck's going on now because I'm like we're going to get cream from behind I'm like I don't know what's going on I go sir are you all right he goes can you can you drive he rolls the window down the window he's like get out of here you're Batman he's like could you drive and I go can I try it Sarah's like you want us to drive are you are you having a problem and then Sarah's like are you having a heart attack Sarah pulls out her phone she's like do you want to call 911 is like you're having a heart attack and the guy's like I'm okay I'm okay a stomach problem stomach

problem he's doing this and now I realize this guy's having a fucking anxiety attack he's afraid of bridges no way I think that's what I think I think he got something he's got the window down and we're on the bridge we're fucking stopped and he starts you know hit the gas and then stop and I'm like we're gonna fucking die right here wow then he starts to open the door and now there is a moment where I'm like is this a terrorist attack I don't know what the fuck's going on here yeah I locked my door I'm like what is what's happening right now this guy's getting out of his car he's asking me if I can drive I'm like what the fuck's going on is he getting a text does he phone who knows but he's lucky got you because you you have had some some stuff too well this is what's so amazing

I have the exact same out I'm not afraid of bridges but like panic attack the same thing my mother's afraid of bridges I want to go I got Alan baby I'll call Alan right now you son of a bitch yeah we got Alan take that turban off and take this phone call he's a Jew just to warn you but still okay they'll figure it out the guy's a strip so then he's going I'm okay I'm okay Sarah thought he was having a heart attack I think maybe he's having a heart attack I think he's getting out of the car I don't know what the fuck's happening he's opened the door he closed the door the window's down now he starts moving forward a little bit because you want to go just get a I was like sir you gotta get across the bridge I was like whatever you need we can call the police

we can call an ambulance because we still aren't a hundred percent sure what's going on he's like I'm okay okay no nothing nothing huh and he starts driving a little fat now we're driving okay and cars are fucking laying on their horn which is making it worse flipping around so finally we like it takes it's a long bridge sure we start to get close to the end he's still he keeps stopping starting then we get to the end of the bridge off the bridge at a red light and he turns he's a new man he turns he goes um I just have a stomach problem I got a stomach problem don't worry everything's fine it's all bridges I go I don't usually go to Queens of Brooklyn but you said a story so I just took you and now we're like heartbroken because this poor guy he must

live in the city and just pray that nobody says Queens of Brooklyn and you were the first or maybe he takes the tunnel but here's the thing now we're in Queens he's got to get back to the city oh shit so I'm like I guess he's gonna have to take the tunnel so now he drives as soon as we're over the bridge he's back to normal this is fine this is the Queen's Midtown Tunnel uh the Midtown Tunnel yeah so I'm like boy this poor guy and I have so much like empathy for but here's the thing and this happens in all cultures uh-huh there's this male uh toxic masculinity whatever it is this manly hood of yeah I'm like you're not supposed to be like I'm a bit I'm scared to death the fucking bridges I'm terrified which I feel grateful that I've always had I have horrible panic disorder and anxiety

I've always been able to be like guys I'm scared shitless of that I'm terrified like and I think and I don't know I'm not an expert I don't know much but I feel like in like the Muslim community it might be like worse well they got a fucking kamikaze well I just a geronimo I think like it's and that and again I'm not this is completely just from complete amateur bullshit I feel like there's not a lot of like Pakistani Afghan people that are like I'm very nervous my feelings get her or whatever like it feels like it's like even more so like that like you're this male you came all the way here he traveled fucking whatever 2,000 miles to be like I'm gonna make a living and make it and I'll bring my money back to be like I'm afraid of bridges right but he was definitely

just terrified of bridges that's why I want to take the lower level because it's a little more enclosed I think like the upper level you're just exposed you're up there it's a little higher obviously so I think that's why he was like oh I'll take the lower level and I think he was just like all right I gotta do it this I can get across and we got right to the middle which is the thing with anxiety and panic all you have all the opposite though you have all the wrong instincts yes he's like let me slow down you like don't slow down get over the bridge but you the fear kicks in heavy yeah just want to just stop and I think you want to get out of the car he wanted to throw it was fucking crazy but it was also like terrifying because again I'm like I don't

know if he's getting out of the car I don't know if he's staying in the car I don't know what his deal is if he's his father's dying is he having a heart attack is he throwing up did he shit his pants it was fucking that's wild crazy we got out of the car and I was like sir I feel for you I like I touched his shoulder I was like saying he got the right guy but he also got the wrong guy but he but he didn't want to take any help or anything he's like I'm fine okay it's just stomach I have stomach problems and I was like I hope you're okay and I was like would you just call anybody he's like no no no I'm fine thank you we tipped him 25% I was like boy thanks I appreciate you're a good egg but uh it's your I've never seen or heard of a packy or Pakistani guy

having a panic attack or a packy attack I again like I don't want to be disrespectful to any Muslim I don't know Middle Eastern but I just you don't hear of a lot of like therapy like therapy is very big in the Jewish community you don't see a lot of like you don't think of a lot of like Muslim men going to like therapy and having like a dog that helps them yep the anxiety dog with a turban I mean you don't see a lot of brown people in general doing the therapy thing and doing the the panic attack thing and anxiety they they usually deal with it because they got bigger fish to fry usually I guess so well it was quite a falafel to fry whatever quite an episode terrifying and then like later on like my anxiety kicked because in the moment

you're kind of just like all right what do I do I took I'm like I'll get his name I'll get the lights I don't know what's happening here like you want me to drive but that's another weird thing you're like I don't want to drive I don't want him in the back I don't know what the hell's going on here hopefully take shotgun but I would kind of enjoy getting behind that hack it wouldn't be that bad maybe I answer a few fucking radio calls yeah we got 25 but it was a quite a wild experience now we're we're gonna have to go along here yeah because you got some big business happening big biz but man I got that's a great that's one for the books right there fatty it was one that's what I was thinking too as soon as we got over I'm like great Potter yeah that's a lunch

Harry Potter man oh man oh man wow now normally that's a story that would headline but we got you got some business well mine isn't that uh salacious mm hope I'm using that word professionality but uh man that is wild but how about this can I just defend toxic masculinity it's a horrible term and all that shit but he got over the bridge he did it he was terrified but he did it he did do it I don't think there's something to that of like there's probably been a guy who had to build a skyscraper who panicked but he said hey I can't be a bitch I gotta build a skyscraper well is he gonna deal with it because I dealt with this a couple times last year for months where every show I was having that happen you gotta go up you

just get through it but the next show fucking a half hour later I was like I gotta do it again it's gonna happen again I just went through it now the thing that helps me that would help him is to say my biggest fear his biggest fear is driving over a bridge I'm like well you but you did it so your biggest fear is not you're okay yeah like much when Alan said to me he's like you had a panic attack on tv and it was still great so there's no you don't need to worry about that you've seen the worst and you got over it what's the point of fearing it yes so what was the panic attack on tv Conan my second Conan last year last May the the shaving the puke one no yeah yeah it was horrible I was shake I was terrified it was horrible I did all right all right well fine that's your bridge

cured bridge over troubled cabbie all right so uh let me just uh get through this and we'll all kill ourselves suck around dicks I had a hot four sets I'm in the city on a weekend I'm never here on a weekend the weather's great it's a nip in the air I got five four four sets on Saturday night I can't wait I go to a birthday party during the day with the girl we have a great day in Brooklyn at this guy's birthday party was phenomenal and uh she stays the party I go I gotta go to work she goes great we'll meet up after I come home take a shit shower after the party leave the house at 8 30 for a nine o'clock spot at the New York comedy club on 4th street uh-huh walkover sold out fun times I got a 9 30 at the cellar walk over there hot show weekend baby then I got a 10 o'clock at the

village underground hot one back to New York comedy club I get a text right before I go on what the hell's going from the girl what's going on you home I'm going I'm walking on stage I'll talk to you a bit about no I'm not home I'm walking on stage and she goes we're fucked that's what she wrote we're fucked and I go what the hell is that it's ominous immediately immediately I'm like just just roll a dex of what the hell's going on what did I do what did I what did I what she catch me doing what's going on oh my god so I fucked yikes I do a set that it feels like the light won't come it's a 20 minute which is kind of long that is long so I get off stage and it's just like miss call miss call miss call you know a text she's she's half in the bag a little bit

and so I go I just call her and I go what's going on she's like are you home get over here right now so the apartment's been ransacked I'm freaking out I don't know what to do and ransacked I go what are you doing are you in there she goes yeah I'm sitting and I go get the fuck out of there she's telling me like things are like this coffee table was in front of the door so she had to push the door in through the coffee table oh my god so she was the first responder she was the first art oh I thought makes I heard this a little bit of the story before the pod full disclosure I thought she got here and the police had tape everywhere no so I go get out and she's remember she's a little tuned up you know so I go get just

stand in the hallway just get out of there because I don't know he could be under the bed he could be in the closet he could be coming out of the closet hey you're saying he could be a she women get Rob as well fuck yeah so uh I go she goes all right now she's texting me I'm booking it I feel like Liam Neeson and take it I'm running down fucking Fifth Avenue or any of his movies or any of them except for Schindler's he never runs in Schindler's not really the wolf one but so uh Wall Street what was that uh oh the gray the gray oh he runs baby 50 shades yeah so I get in I swing the door open the front door she's sitting in the hallway in her panties what it was pretty hot oh I like that just hallway lights on panties and a t-shirt I go holy

hell she goes out you told me to get out it would you know so I go all right so I swing the door open and it's freezing in the apartment it's a cold chill to the bone oh my and I go if anybody's in here I'm called the fucking cops I'm trying to sound as uh tough and authoritative as I can now do you have a bat on side I got I got nothing I'm ready I got dukes up here we go you gotta get a weapon I should have gotten a weapon so I noticed that the window is broken which window the one behind my head the one behind your head no kidding there's a there's a got a knife block the knife block is knocked over what's a knife block you know you put all the knives in it oh like a block of knives there you go so uh and I get it's all about a sink I have a window by the sink the soap is

knocked over you know the dishes are a screw a skew and so I see that so I'm like all right well something is a is a miss but you always kind of go I'll handle it we'll get through this it's not so bad I look I see a laptop I see an iPad I see the TV is still here I see everything is here phones whatever and I go what the fuck so I go into the bedroom I only have it's only two rooms here it's a tiny a very small place thank you and uh the window is wide open this is a heavy ass window in that bedroom I only have three windows two in the living room one in the bedroom wide open and it's being held up by the blinds they took the blinds like this twisted them to make a like a stick wow and the window is being held it's a heavy window the blinds you can see are

bending uh-huh and they see a wind blow in the leaves are coming in terrifying fucking haunting you see that window and just go oh my god I know how that you just start picturing the guy coming in chilling coming out and uh so I go holy shit but I don't see anything missing and then I go oh wait a minute and I have a drawer I'll show you the drawer it's full of cash thousands I just throw it in there every night after sets hundreds here 20 there 50 there 200 there just throwing years years of sets they're probably like 6500 in that drawer that is not a smart thing to do I'm aware now but I figure hey look I live in the west village I'm in the back I'm in the fucking how would he pick this unit if anybody's gonna steal but even a fire

you lose $6,000 Malibu yeah yeah shit I didn't think about a fire fire a break just the chance what's what's yeah the what's the there's no reward to having that money it's a risk reward situation there could be a fire or a break in yeah or just your girlfriend goes crazy takes it a neighbor a mailman whatever the fuck yeah what's the benefit of having $6,000 in cash in your bedroom can I tell you what it was tell me I think I just like knowing I had a big fucking water cash I had a cash a passport my social security it felt like my cool guy drawer well that's fair but you should get a cool guy safe I should get a cool guy safe yeah ggs put a cactus in there and a pair of shoes or whatever it is but can't they take a safe it's very hard to take a safe it's leds low bearing

walls it's lead it's heavy coming down you can't walk around with a safe in your ass I know I'll be a throw the safe out when I was a kid we stole a parking meter it took us two years to crack it open but we got it open yeah but a parking meter is not as heavy as a safe a safe as thick and safe parking meter is fucking big if that thing was massive the two of us it's safe safe is in the word the whole word is safe but you throw the safe out the window you're throwing the truck you're gone safety first all right we're kind of so I get it and I see the chest of drawers and I just go and I sit on the bed it was like overwhelming my legs went out I just sat on the bed and I go and I open it gone every fucking dollar oh god so I just go oh my god and she's she's talking

and I'm just kind of good she just you're like you know yeah I'm like fuck me ain't only like you don't think it will happen to you you see all the dumb commercials and I got robbed so much as a kid I went right back to that horrible childhood feeling of like people are coming in your home you're not safe you think you're cool you think you're an adult you think you're paying a mortgage you think you're hot shit you got a cash drawer a cool guy drawer you're nothing you're fucked you're just a number you're statistic now did she fuck you in the ass come again oh you said fuck me in the ass to the girl oh that would have really put a cherry on it but uh no no I just saw and she was like I'm sorry I'm sorry everything else is in the apartment every single thing is

here they got the cash and they said fuck this we're not taking anything with a serial code or a number on it designer bags galore in there they went through everything wow didn't touch a bag didn't touch a laptop that's all traceable wow so I got rooked jerry boy that is devastating and like we talked about last night it is the creepy fact because money you make more money place it whatever you got it hurts but yeah but the the idea of someone in your house it feels violent like my instinct is just let's move I don't want to be in a house where there wasn't somebody completely and I said this on Jim and Sam but I look at my walls it's just like a shrine of my career and what I've done and you're up here and I got friends and Jimmy Fallon and like I picture him

looking at this going look at this fucking dweeb yeah you feel stupid yeah I remember one time this is completely different but the trying to relate to the feeling is like I left my backpack I was waiting for the bus whenever I went to run around I forget why but I had all these like CVS recently developed for I think I told this story before recently developed photos and someone just hawked a ton of loogies in my photos but it was so like hurtful and I'm like oh you just ruin my photo with your snot and like you were laughing at me and my feeling like look at this fucking nerd loser like that guy's troubled that's what oh yeah but that's what it feels so is this guy assuming it could be a guy yeah could be a trans person um yeah transient yeah but that the idea of someone

in your home is the worst feeling I can imagine and the the thoughts you know I'm looking out the window you're thinking how do you do it because it's a 10 foot drop out of my window like it's an alley out there he had to get a ladder he had to have a boost from a buddy or just to shimmy up that's a heavy ass window to open it from the outdoors is not easy yeah I mean this guy was a fucking pro and he knew not to take anything else I mean the cops came like this guy was good wow like he knew to put the thing in front of the door in case you came in he could jump right out like blah blah blah but now it's so confusing because your apartment it feels enclosed out here if you jumped out wouldn't you be like that's him right there but well no one is looking out here

you know it's the back of a building its face is another building but to them they're just probably see a guy walking around out there yeah I don't know how often you're looking at how often you're looking at a man's shoes exactly how often you look outside you know but uh boy what a what a nightmare and then she could have been here when she got home I know this guy could have uh you know and I hate to be the the silver douche lining but uh I'm never here on the weekend I happen to be here he could have taken my laptop with jokes and videos and music and all that which scripts and shit that didn't get touched the cash is replaceable it's a kick in the goddamn taint yeah but it's replaceable and I was here and you know it didn't break anything it could have been a lot worse so

it could have taken the shotgun mic or what is zoom mic yes taking the zoom the tv the roku the butler whatever but they didn't touch it so there are some like all right this could have been a lot weirder yeah worse like imagine if she was just here and the guy just I know that's what I'm saying he could have uh he could have taken her virginity yes I've been trying that hymen I can't that's one thing I can't break through so uh yeah so the cops came and I gotta say the cops I got robbed a lot as a kid and the cops were always like hey you know it's gone what are you gonna do sucks but now they're like we're gonna find this guy let me do fingerprints I mean the whole thing lasts until about five in the morning just printing I had to do my prints on the thing so they could

tell which ones were mine and which one she had to do some prints and uh leopard print yeah they talked to us about everything and they're like this happens all the time they said try beckon meat packing three times a night well that's the problem because the city you're in the city still has some hair on like oh right across by the cellar we always talk about third street right by mcdonald's it's pretty shady out there manetta lane late at night it'd be pretty hairy so still some stank and but the cops like they they knew exactly the guy came in he went down to the garbage shoot went around figured that out there they had the place cased out and the the girlfriend kept being like it's a fan it's a fan he must have known about the money and the cops like ah this just

this happens they got a good score and they bolted wow so well if it's a fan he would have taken the you know photos the set list some yeah at least a free poster yeah although they weren't signed yet but uh yeah they're signed oh now they are but yeah i've lived in crown heights bedstie bushwick never never a worry i mean i got mugged yeah but i never got the the mugging sucks because it's like your pride but this is like your your fucking home is uh violated yeah well my wife sleeps with my children play with their toys yeah the guy stepped over my bed to get in that means he was in my bed oh ah shit so yeah it's a bummer and you can't really it's like when you get to a car wreck that door never really closes the same uh-huh and that's how i feel about the place it's got a

little c-section scar on it that i'll never unsee yeah it's tainted tainted lunch stuff studios what a fucking douche well hopefully he's dead hopefully he's dead but i'd like to see that cash again and i do that thing on the street where you're paranoid you go did you do it people walk by you maybe it was him yeah yeah of course maybe there's that cunt with the shopping cart but you know what are you gonna do and uh hate myself and the good news is the osvid happening again or through the floor much like your ticket sales at st louis yeah well yeah you gotta get some bars or boats i'm gonna get bars tomorrow and uh get some uh locks on there and i might get a nanny cam how do you like that they probably look for the bars no bars that's probably a weak link that they try to

look for because most windows have bar and first floor all have bars yeah i think they like they go oh we gotta find a barless window well the cops are saying uh do you have insurance and i said i'll pay a mortgage and they go is that probably means you have insurance but how do you go hey a lot of cash is gone i need that back like how do i prove that you know i could just say i got a million dollars in cash what are you gonna do about it oh yeah that's tricky so you gotta go to the seller and get the w nine and blow a guy and fuck my louis and all this yeah that's hard it's tough that's like one time uh wait over time here but um oh yeah when i was in a hotel in raleigh and i put the do not disturb sign on but someone must have taken it off and then they took 40 bucks for me

wow the people and they're like wow they probably just assumed that was a tip and then we got in this thing i was like i need that for this is 10 years ago i was like i need that 40 like i don't have any money and they're like well you can't prove that there's 40 bucks and i'm like listen like this is a very expensive hotel i was doing that commercial is when i did the espn commercial and i was like why would i say 40 bucks i'm not saying 100 or 300 800 i'm in a five star hotel i just need 40 bucks like just i please i'm like i don't know what yeah like at that time in my life i had no money right like espn flew me there and put me up i'm like it's 40 but all i want is 40 bucks they actually gave it to me but they were like mad about it they probably pulled out of the box

like we don't we don't believe they stole i'm like i don't think they stole either i think they came into clean my room and saw 40 bucks and thought it was a tip whatever nice hotel you could leave that yeah or i mean obviously i don't think they thought i was too big i think they have it out an alibi like oh we thought it was but i'm like i just want 40 dollars i don't want a thousand or six thousand okay i'm like i need 40 bucks you always put the the sign on is that part maybe that's a little uh history i put the sign on as soon as i get into the hotel because i don't like them in my hotel similar to the feeling of them breaking in even someone coming into clean my room i don't like anyone near my stuff i hear you i don't want anyone in my room ever yeah i kind

of don't mind a new fresh uh linen but i hear you i hear you all right we're gonna wrap it up this is the longest episode in history well it's uh it's this is the episode where the kid gets raped behind the candy store this is our like uh you know what do you call we learn shit you didn't tell me did that uh was that different strokes where he's diddled by the bike shop you know i don't remember that at all every sitcom had like a uh an informative a very special episode a sentimental episode we referenced last week cherry jonathan stuck in the refrigerator there you go yeah you gotta take the doors off folks all right where are you gonna blow the doors i got big stuff and i'm gonna kill myself if people don't come to these shows so please for the love of god i can't have

another st louis on my hands next week dr grins uh i'll be there dr grins in grand rapids on november 29th and 30th december 1st please come out really appreciate it portland helium that's a big club we're a portland shirt right now love that city yep i'll be there december 6 7 and 8 please come out bring a gang raleigh north carolina i've never done a club there i got rob at a hotel there that's a great room never done it always heard about it since the fucking 90s yeah good nights that's december 13 14 15 i'm back in cleveland on the 22nd doing a one night theater with uh jason lawhead hope to see you go back and then i know your dick works and then the big one helium philadelphia december 27 28 29 i love that club and uh so please come on out to

that one and uh tell some friends and and come out and this is off in the distance but january 22nd michelle and i michelle and i are doing uh it's a tuesday earth wind and funny part three we're giving money to the nature conservancy we'll have a big show we always have a good show so come out to that also helping the earth folks i will be in haddiesburg on saturday going down to miss i sipy mi ssi ssi ppi you heard it here first folks i might pop into the dragon's den on friday in new orleans uh then next week big one one of my favorite clubs one of my favorite cities one of my favorite jews zanies chicago doing a long run there that's a three on saturday club baby so we gotta let's let's sell all those nazis out i gotta buy a fucking nanny cam fanny get your nanny

skyline in wisconsin that's gonna be fun appleton wisconsin oh yeah improv pittsburgh with old chris al he's coming out there long island what's that gig uh governors all the movie theater movie theater cinema arts cinema that's a fun one huntington huntington west virginia yes yes long island huntington come on now that's on the 21st of december then laugh boston for new years bean town say hello let's get some tuesday that's a big room punchline san francisco after that we got a lot of tuesdays in the old sf where are my gays at then funny bones st louis i'm gonna go i have a year weekend there i'm sure a lot of paper a lot of paper key west going down to see big dusty yeah i'll be there in febru mohegan's son that's a casino and then cleveland hilarities i'm following you raleigh

also uh laughing skull atlanta roar comedy club in springfield math we'll see what that's like helium philadelphia and uh royal oak so uh check the website mark normal comedy dot com follow me on twitter hit the patreon buy a poster bonus queefs are up they're always cooking suck your own dick see us live get a t-shirt to help the nanny cam fund i hate my life i suck let's fix that don't have a panic attack on the bqe and grinsboro kiss your daughter thank you i gotta be