Tuesdays with Stories! - #275 Boo Hoo Woo Woo

Episode Date: December 4, 2018

Holy hell, Joe is in Cedar Rapids taking up front Ubers before braving a rowdy casino crowd and Mark barely makes it to Chicago after completing an airport obstacle course! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon to hear the new live ep with Bert Kreischer and Nick Vatterott! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy holy hell I'm fresh off a united flight into Newark ubered here on uber bucks given to us by Tuesdays just want to shout out to Chicago these cooks were the

best thank you uber bucks Chicago folks I don't know what the hell you're doing on United still ah well you know these the times aren't great so the manager goes you want this flight this flight of this flight ago give me the 1 p.m. I don't know what the 7 a.m. so that's all that is well Chicago they really want you to fly United that's their city you know is that right yeah they both played the United Center United that's their big hot the whole airport's united but we got Delta over here I love a good D Delta you know Delta stands for delivering everything now you miss the L there every little thing to Atlanta no no

every delivering erections licking to Atlanta all right something like that some asshole told me well don't do Pontiac we might get into trouble oh boy boy yeah it call it if you've heard that old joke and then the other one when I die I don't know if I'm going to heaven hell but I know I have a layover in Atlanta ah hello folks who's that I just know it's not it's a it's a fucking mort's all that it is first like an old I don't know an old adage old adage yeah well it's good to be here folks oh yeah I'm I'm fried you're gay and we're all fat I'm a little fragile a little road weary let me throw this at you because I

had to stop the way I thought this would be good to his gay canter Jason I'm a little rusty I'm a movie I'm a good horror film Jason Ganter Jason oh Jason Friday the 13th it's Halloween no Halloween is Michael Myers and then Friday the 13th is Dana Carvey because Michael Myers he's a comedian they're both comedians from Canada both Jesus that one I thought it should have you should have picked up what I was putting down there I was thinking hockey mask I hate myself oh my god we should have practiced yeah well about this isn't this weird on sale and for sale mean different things wait a minute wait a

minute isn't that strange on sale means it's cheaper for sale means it's selling on sale implies as a discount but if something's on sale has to be for sale yeah but if you're for sale you're not necessarily on sale well why is this weird they're different words on and for yeah so they have different meanings slightly but sale is the fucking part we're talking about yeah I guess what and suck dick and but on dick no on and for essentially would mean the same thing what in that context on sale for sale but why what's the difference in the war the definition of the words like name another section where for sale yeah

means something completely different like well the two different word I don't know for that okay but table is for you and that table is on me but on means yeah that's a different meaning than on sale it's not literally on a sale it is on a sale what do you mean it's on that's how you'd say the term well the table this is on well this is a table this is a tangible object right sale is a as an idea but that's what on is me that's what the word on means yeah but you also say on purpose uh-huh so that's another just not a metaphor but it's an idea yes on purpose on accident yeah by accident but that means the same thing

on accident by accident that would be an interesting that's true on sale for sale I'm by but the sale is the thing yeah it's something for sale is this for sale it's on sale right but it's for sale but it's not on sale because sale means sellable but it also means sellable with a discount so you're talking about the word say the word sale means two different things in that section but sale is the same all right you got something it's something it's something sale away yes this podcast is for sale not really no one would buy it but you know who sponsors this podcast laughable oh actually they've never given us a

dime but it's liquid we got a liquid liquid yes I think it's the opposite of liquid no I think solid it's food no oh liquid is cash in your hand fatty is that right liquids right here I'll throw a quartet yeah that's liquid oh I didn't know that what's the what is the opposite of liquid Bitcoin or stocks or bond no I know but what's the word you're naming things I guess it'd be solid no yes ish liquid money liquid and then you got you know it's like the doctor says no solids all liquids I've never had a doctor say that well you never had a broken tooth all right I got fucked up teeth all the time yeah but they work

they're working going back to the dentist tomorrow I'm terrified well it's been a long time now now it's been too long it's been a year wow they're gonna start getting your dentist cards what's that mean you know I got your poli oh it's sort of a gift card yeah but I don't even have those maybe they do have those they should I guess that's what healthcare is but smiley faces wait what laughable oh yeah laughable is great yeah you want to tell them some things about laughable I want to support these guys because I use them yeah I'm not a big tech cunt no I don't know what I'm doing but lapel it lays it all out it

makes it easy it's just one app it's got all your favorite comics on it with all your favorite podcast and they have non comics as well you can go on and get the app screw iTunes iTunes is out it's too much jibber jabber just get the laugh will put in Bert Kreischer a cigar or Maria Bamford or Neil deGrasse Tyson oh boy whoever you want and they'll they'll have shit all with their stuff I like you just put the guy's name in you get all you want there and it's all free just go to the app store search laughable boom it'll be up there and then give it a five-star review why the hell not say something nice and Android it's coming to

you too in 2019 you'll have the Android I don't know who's on the Android I think it's his immigrants I don't know what's up with the Android yeah Star Wars something these are not the droids you asked for a looking for is that what it is I might have made the whole quote up I can't remember there's a joy these aren't the droids you're looking for there you go Jar Jar I looked up this liquid business so liquid refers to the ability to transfer hard assets to cash that's what we have yes yeah wait we do can we transfer I think we can but you want to you want to hold out cuz this thing's gonna blow up as soon as this ad is red

so you think it's gonna build that's building I know it's gonna build it's huge laughable it'd be nice to get a little update some liquid liquidation yes liquidation sale is a vehicle a liquid ass I don't know 401k liquid asset you know I don't like when they do that on the news or you know they go this guy's got millions in assets that's like well I don't care about it that was he got his pocket well this is what I'm thinking about because there's all these predictions gonna be an economic downturn and a fair recession yada yada that might be a good time if you have cash instead of like having it in the

market and you lose your money the the housing market plummets with the thing then you buy a house all right cuz the housing market you buy low and it goes back up again and boom you got a house I think it's flipping or flopping yeah I think you flip and flop yeah yeah this old house well I don't have any liquid now they got out of my drawer that was a lot of liquid in that drawer oh boy listen some liquid in my drawers come all right what what's going on here we're obviously a little banged up in road weary and put away wet worse for weary put away liquid but yeah it was it was a long weekend Thursday to Monday and here I

am and that flake got delayed and then that this do you ever had this one the come guzzler goes hey we only got you know you're in the line it goes we only got a four baggage is left either the whole up what do you call the upper deck yeah the bins no the airspace storage headspace yeah the above head store overhead storage overhead bins overhead compartments thank you the OHC he's like they're all they only have four spots left for bags and there's like 80 people in front of me so I'm like ah fuck so I get up there the guy goes you gotta tag it like I hate tag that adds another 20 minutes to your whole ordeal I never

tag hate a tag not a great movie either I can't imagine yeah so everybody's like John Hamm so funny he's good looking and he's humorous he's not that funny he's okay he's okay but he's just if you're good looking and a little funny everybody's he's amazing he's funny in bridesmaids he's alright but it's good writing he's delivering the joke he's very handsome he's an actor he's funny he's fine he's got a big dong too he's well huh is that real is that true they showed a photo here to hide a whole hog in a sweatpants I'll pull it up okay pull it out it's solid alright so I get up to the guy the guy goes you gotta check it you

know he's putting a little tag on there and I go you think it's really full what do you think cuz I am in the last seat I'm in 35 Q I'm way back there by the bathroom and he goes I go you think he goes I check man but he never gave me a no I go you really think they're all full I put like a Larry David like you know I give him the stare yeah and he goes yeah I looked and I was like all right all right so I checked the bag I'm all pissed I go on the plane begrudgingly trying to use that more get on the back of the plane tons of space my space yes Tom your space for space on space so office space so then film good movie backward

independent movies had some some some chance of living yeah so I get back there and I thought I'm such a cunt I tell the guy the the stewardess guy I was like ah look at that the guy lied to me goes I'm sorry I'm sorry the guy's a piece of shit and I go he is a piece of shit and then I see the two pilots come up to do in the deadhead uh-huh is that what it's called yeah the deadhead yeah deadhead which be a good term for not be able to get it up a deadhead yeah now I can see that it's like a dead body to right right the dead body head and the connet would then be a body bag oh all right but you wouldn't want to put a limp dick into a

condom no no that's a bad move that's hard to do yeah that's that's like putting a yeah so you got on I get on there and I see the two deadhead guys they throw their bags and they take it all up so let me tell you a little secret inside secret I shouldn't be saying this on the pot because we have a lot of listeners oh boy but you speak you talk about this they tell you not to bring your bag to carry on check your bag between you me and the lamppost and your new table it's too big yeah CRJ 900 that's like a little regional jet you can ask the small ones when you're just going from like you know Manhattan to our Queens to

Syracuse they do take the overhead bag if you put it in sideways they'll tell you you can't they go we pink tag all bags it's not big enough this is the CRJ 900 well I don't get it that's one kind of aircraft okay it's a small plane they announced over and over again no roller bags you got to check your roller bag you pink tag your roller bag because the overhead compartments can't fit it I'm with you but they do fit it they just don't fit it in straight like the other ones put it in horizontally yeah so I had someone get mad at me recently Sarah and I were going to say Lewis and I felt like I really impressed her because I

know I travel I got a lot of wisdom yes so they go hey yeah that you got to check you got a pink tag your bag so I take the pink tag I don't even argue I go okay I go what kind of plane is it she goes it's a CRJ 900 I go okay thank you and I pick tag both our bags yeah and then we go down there's a big pile about the end of the jetway and I go just walk right on with them and then the flight attendant they just go hello welcome you slip them on sideways and then someone was like you're not supposed to bring that on here and I go what do you mean she's like you're not supposed I was like it fits my carry on

yeah and you could tell she was like fuck you got it and then you can see people it feels so satisfying when the flight lands you open that thing up and pull it out and everyone in the plane goes what yes and I'm like well they're lying to you got a question authority you're James Bond I did it one time and I went I was looking at it I'm sizing it up I think I could bring my thing so I did because worst case scenario the first time is it doesn't fit and you go I didn't hear the announcement but it fits so CRJ 900 bring your carry on that's how'd you get that nugget and then I told you I just sized it up you just did

the homework yourself I did the homework myself but then you walk off the plane everyone's lined up and you're carrying your carry on they're like what the fuck yeah and you go hey sorry you got a question authority your sons of bitches pretty sweet little that's a lunch move so that's for the Tuesday I mean I feel like our patreon should go up just for that nugget you got that right and I know that been your talk about that overhead it's like it's kind of slanty and it's tighter yeah it looks like it wouldn't fit but you just gotta go yeah and you gotta put it in sideways because here's the thing if everyone brought it on they

wouldn't fit because everyone would be sideways you're taking up a lot of space you're going yeah horizontal but it's enough space because everyone else checked their thing because they told them to look at that these big corporations they'll just tell you anything they don't give a fuck oh yeah and people really abused the dick out of those bags ever seen that guy just jamming it in there like a dick in an asshole oh yeah well people bring three and four makes me crazy it's insane I always put one under the seat in front of me even if I just have a backpack I'll still put it underneath because I'm

like you take the space what are you doing though those daddy longs you got there well here's what I do I have I sit normal and then when it's time I pull the backpack out then put my legs underneath and throw the bag underneath my legs all right not a big whoop so here's a fun hot tip for you but I had some tribe I was in Grand Rap we weren't far from each other in fact one Tuesday if you get his name I think he went to both he came to yours Friday mind Saturday he lives in India hour and a half from both oh what a sweet bitch that's a Tuesday weekend one guy I think he works for Vans left me a beautiful

note he left me a Vans gift card the same guy yeah that's nobody the same guy yeah good to meet you thank you man Vanny van Wilder yes Van Morrison then that's what I was gonna say pedophile van oh I see that was a person it's a bunch of people I guess yeah well you got the Trump van guy remember him Trump van oh do I ever all the stickers I didn't for a moment yeah yeah he's a jerk but yeah we got some van gift guy I never want a van but maybe I'll get a jacket or a t-shirt to give it someone's a gift or something of a van yeah van is a good time thank you van the man good Tuesdays I had a big animal on the Tuesday come to

two shows this guy's like seven feet tall and bald and big he could be like our he could be our club soda Kenny this son of a bitch this guy's huge you came to two shows and he laughed it up chatted me up that was fun but I guess we got to get into some stories first let's keep that guy around we might need some muscle you know we are we get any bigger than the the offensive police are gonna come after us well he came to the second night in a row and I was like I'm glad you're here cuz I feel like you could kick some heck like nobody's gonna fuck with you tonight and I was like thank you I wanted to blow this guy I love him

I imagine his dick is the size of a baby leg I mean he's got he's a big boy I'll get the girl on it what's that mean you know my gal so blow oh I see oh that's nice of her is that a deal you have no okay I couldn't handle it no who would want to handle it I got those cocknuts yeah that's not that's not healthy that's no there's no way there's a healthy relationship now I can't get behind it or her my thing is isn't it weird right after everyone comes they have to be like alright Brett thanks for coming get out of here and we'll see you later and then you have to turn you why you want to get line like some guy was just plowing

her you're like let's get an ice cream what's the after-moment like that's that's the biggest what do you call it roadblock to me yeah well not the fact that he's plowing your you're late now you gotta plow people get plowed whatever you gotta plant the harvest I mean I just I don't know how you go hello welcome all right those moments right before and after just seem really uncomfortable I agree well most moments are uncomfortable the fucking would probably be the least uncomfortable that's what I'm saying showing up is that is also weird that's what I just said at least you have something to go to yeah

right it's just weird you're sitting around watching cheers going all right should we start now right the actual fucking you're like alright everyone's fucking yeah yeah I got my dick in his ass the whole thing you gotta have a plan that's the key right after he comes you gotta be like a finger sandwich yeah maybe monopoly I don't know something yeah maybe Netflix have a Netflix ready to go yeah the office yeah that's a big one any who so I was out in Grand Rapids but they tack on a one-nighter in Mount Pleasant Michigan which should be called not pleasant Michigan that bad huh well here's the thing I land in

I got a direct flight to Grand Rapids which was excited excellent dining land I rent a car get the car I go to Mount Pleasant it's a two hour ride to Mount Pleasant and beforehand I just typed in Grand Rapids Mount Pleasant it's an hour and a half but then you put in my location to soaring Eagle Casino and it's two hours jumps a half hour course and it's all back roads now I was in the middle of nowhere you forget Michigan is like country that's the woods it's wild I got all the lakes and the woods and the trees and the homos yeah it was all dear like what do you call it hunters is like hunters welcome is all

guys in orange hats and car hat jackets not a lot of gathering I gathered up my dick I don't hear integrity I'm having trouble here we'll get you through it there fatty I'm struggling I don't hope the people hope they appreciate you haven't been bringing the heat yourself I had a stinker on that plane analogy really weary here yeah all right anyway so here we go I'm gonna move up I'm gonna move up scooch up in this chair let's go let's do a double scooch all right there we go big scooch that wasn't a scooch that was more of a shift I shifted well what's a scooch a scooch is a scooch I'm forward you see we got no back support I know

I'm leaning in like you're gonna lean in I'm not saying you have to scooch I'm just saying that wasn't a scooch okay stand in the place where you live I got a back sweat now I feel like I've scooched I'm leaning you're standing I think this is gonna get hot all right hot and heavy so what happened about shit so I gotta drive there all back roads I'm in the middle of nowhere it's snowy to windy snowy and it's like you know you and they give me a Hyundai Elantra and everyone's in a truck right and I always kind of resent trucks I'm like what do you need a truck for you got these big-ass trucks my whole a stag well

that's what I'm about to say once you get up there you're like oh you need a truck up here yeah they got a big eight-point deer and it's fucking snowy and the roads gravelly a cuckbuck but I had a good time and I drove all the way up there I was listening to Dire Straits I went on a big kick I listened like five of their albums I'm loving it we got to move these refrigerators sometimes that little faggot they says faggot a bunch really they got away with that I miss that yeah same same tune but anyways I think they edited the whole thing out now when it plays in the radio just the whole verse is gone I believe it yeah

well you know they won't even play a daddy it's cold outside or baby whatever I know but then like biggie small it's still playing that's what I said so interesting joke it's like fuck all you hose and whatever what do you like baby it's gonna feel like oh I feel raped it's very strange it's all wacky but anyway and so I drive up to Mount Pleasant and then as you're pulling in it's the soaring eagle casino and I'm like this is a hell gig you know you're on the ride I'm like it's not like I'm just gonna all of a sudden see buildings in the country out here it baby so I get to soaring a asshole casino and it's

well you can smoke inside as soon as I get in I can't breathe well I hate that casino air it's rough and that's one of these ones to where I see the other comics on I don't know either of them so I start texting people like anyone like local Michigan comics I'm like you know you these guys they're like I've never heard of this guy in my life of course they're doing the boring casino yeah so I go alright well hopefully so then I go to check in and it's one of these ones where there's nowhere to check in there's no green room there's no manager yeah it's just like the bartender being like oh I don't know this is only our third

show she's like you can sit over there I guess I watched at the DJ I'm like you know anything about this he's like I'm Kevin he's like thanks for having me he's a fan by the way and he was a comedy fan but even he was like yeah there's not really a spot to hang and he's like I guess he could check in with me whatever so I go check in with the hotel and they're like yeah you're in there I don't know so I'm telling the man without child yes I don't know you're boarded yeah got it I'm aboard so then I'm looking for the other comic yeah you look for a guy that looks lost yeah I'm like he'll be the comic yes and like two

different people I was like you a comedian the guy's like what no and I was like ah me either sorry yeah get out of there and then so finally I find the other comic Matt Stofsky you ever meet this guy he lives here yeah very funny okay I think I know stuff funny sweet Jewish boy good guy from Seattle started in Boston I think lives here now I think he's got like me too and all over the place because he's moving oh well I don't really think oh okay Jesus Christ are you scared me there now he's sweet as pie I'm trying to be grass Tyson you never know if stuff he's on the lamb I'm joking he's a good person he's a sweet

man I'm just saying he's moved a few times he's young he's moved to I don't think yeah move to hashtag move to yeah yeah well you don't see a lot of Jews at the soaring eagle I'll tell you that no no no certainly not they look like eagles that was a taken an old Rickles joke oh is that is you're either Jewish or an eagle back in 61 that was that's still loving it I love it also I'm just saying I think we were born in the wrong time you got that right you were never born but anyways so I meet up with Stofsky and then the host Michael Jeter I think his name was then the night so you feel like alright I found the comedians yes but

this is classic hell up I'll show you a video of the show I mean remember that video oh I sent it to you yeah it's wild so all the TVs are on the whole bar it's a triangular bar and like everyone on each triangle has their back or isn't looking they got video poker so it's like nobody knows as a show it's complete ambush comedy yeah so I go up there and it's one of those ones I'm like let me just get paid well so like let me just get through this get through it and like half the people left because they finished their dinner they leave and then other people are like what then it at least six people at the club never knew

a show took place they never looked up they had no idea they thought it was just announcements or something technically that's not a bomb no no I didn't buy it was just hell it was brutal no one was paying attention everyone's talking people are eating and you just want it's one of those ones you want to like give them your resume or tell them how much you're making you want to be like they flew me out here and put me in a hotel to do this yes I've been on the tonight show yes because the people just assume you blow of course they're like this guy sucks what a loser story my life that's why the fucking gig on long island I was

like I did that on tonight show to kill I fucking hated myself but that's all part of me just got to go with it it's hard but I only did like 30 guys like you do 30 if you want I was like great I did exactly 30 of 30 walked off the stage then I went and played let it ride which is a little card game at the casino there and I played for an hour and a half and won ten bucks usually you're gone in ten minutes all right played I got a full house hey good show fives and twos yeah three fives two twos hit for a hundred and fifty bucks that was exciting sounds like my sex life brandy was the dealer and it was just me and her and I talked to my wife about this afterwards I was like

if I was still drinking and single I was like what are you at the beginning your shift the end she's like those are the beginning I'm here till 4am and I was like god if I didn't have a wife and I drank still this would be one of those nights where I just sat at this card table until 4 in the morning I'd probably lose 500 bucks yeah and just wait till the end of her shift and then she's like yeah I'm going to bed that's I'm tired and I was like oh are you sure oh geez put so much money in time and and she had like teeth of me and like little few pimple just not not good but like you're like uh I get yeah those are those rough casino pimples yeah she'll be and then uh I talked to I told sarin she's like oh yeah she's like I had that I did a

gig in Houston she's like all I could think was I'd be letting this guy finger me and I'm like what I don't remember you telling me this story she's like well it's the same thing I was like god was she at a casino or at a steakhouse I don't know I think it might have been a steakhouse it might have been a farmer I don't know she's farmed a table but you have that thing or to bed you have that thing sometimes we don't you have that you have that alternative thing in your head you're like if I wasn't this I'd be doing this but I just thought about it made me feel so grateful thinking about those nights where you just end up talking to someone for like five hours straight and then you're like shithouse and then you gotta get up at 8 a.m the next day and you're made out

and her breath stinks and your asshole stinks and might be related yeah and then you go what was I do with my life and you get no sleep and you're hung over and you spend $800 it's the worst yeah so it felt good to be like all right good night nice to meet you and I played cards for a while it was really fun but the cigarettes you can just feel it gross so you see the old lady on the respirator you're like get out of here you old bag live your life you got three years left it's sad I love America and I'm a patriot but when you get to travel like we do I think a lot of people these people with like American exceptionalism they don't travel yeah around they just go I love it when you really travel you go to the cracks the in between oh yeah it's kind of a sad nation

kind of it's a bummer just a lot of fatties on rascals and weird shirts with deer on them tucked in and a buckle and a camo hat it's a it's a shit show and shirts that are like supposed to be funny that says like fuck you idiot or whatever like you filthy whatever like this popular one it's just uh everyone's got limps like most of the country has a limp lot of limp yeah everyone's limping like fucking snot on their lips or whatever and just shake you like get it together it's not good and I think there's a lot of poverty and whatnot it was just a sad sad situation yeah those and the casino is the number one it's like the dmv of like if you took it to all the dmv people and just put them in a casino yeah it's wild but uh but good people too they're also nice I don't want to say

they're not nice people summer nice yeah yeah but then uh the next day I woke up at the soaring eagle I had to drive my car back to Grand Rapids so it's weird to fly to Grand Rapids rent a car drive to Mount Pleasant drive back to the airport drop the car off I had two lifts two separate lifts in Grand Rapids front seat lifts what yeah the guy had shit in his back seat he's like jump in the front get in the front I'm like all right and then the second guy picked me up in a jeep he's like I got my jeep today hope you don't mind so I'm like all right I sat in the front seat he's got multiple cars he still working for lift I don't get it I had two front seat it's just the work is now not only you're making small talk you're making eye contact I'm like looking at the guy like we're buddies

like a buddy cop film you might even rub elbows on the console and you ever have this this is the words this is yesterday the guys drive me to the airport and I'm looking I just the whole time I'm just staring at his google map phone as it's ticking down I'm like eight minutes that's what I do seven more minutes then seven more minutes I'm looking at the blue line that tells you which way to go yeah he gets off and exit it jumps from seven to ten I was like oh I just went up 30% with this asshole I know it too well and he's showing me photos of women that have flirted with them he's like a misogynist piece of shit he's like oh I had a woman and he's like one of these guys it's a 12 minute car ride within two minutes he's like these women think your fucking dick matters

when it's time for a job it doesn't matter but your genitals are these dumb women like he's calling women dumb cunts which you know if we do it's fun but this guy he can tell he's serious this is awkward and I'm like why are you why are you revealing to me that women want to fuck you and you're a misogynist within the first three minutes of a lift ride just drive to the airport hey you don't know who I am I could be like this feminist activist and lunatic guy well I plausibly am to be quite frank there you go I love women I want them to all blow me I love women too they look gray with naked all right yeah we're kidding we're kidding tongue-in-cheek tongue asshole mountain dick swallow I hate myself anyways you go I think there might have been

more to that I know exactly I know the countdown so well you can look on your own phone by the way for that it tells you on lift oh yeah oh really yeah yeah so you don't have to look at his but if you're sitting next to the guy you don't want to just stare at the countdown but I didn't know but what I'll do is go to google maps in the back see my own thing like okay oh here we go yeah just the chatty that love a quiet oob it goes from seven to ten but we talk about it all the time in the midway they all want to chat it's like I just want a nice you know brown fella who's talking to his uncle back in wherever I love a brownie with an uncle yeah you need it yes it's beautiful it's a beautiful thing I see a turban I jump in quicker oh well we gotta do the the business oh

yeah some business for you folks and uh big biz boy I feel like we wasted some time I got a lot more no no I got more too I got a I got a doozy yeah you know let's get to your doozy all right all right folks hey uh you love Eero right you know about Eero I love Eero we got one at the lunch stuff studios it's the quickest internet on the planet you don't want to struggle with these you know slow start up to be I got one I gave it to canner's mother she is loving it life is too short for bad white wait am I this guy you're the other guy guys life is too short for bad wi-fi have you ever come home after a long day just want to take out your computer into the living room and do some surfing on the web but you got a weak signal and you can't oh I have had that it is

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just by going to ero.com slash Tuesdays and enter Tuesdays that's plural Tuesdays at checkout that's ero.com slash Tuesdays plural to get $100 off wow the base unit and two beacons package plus one year of Eero plus ero.com Tuesdays and enter Tuesdays at checkout Eero get good wi-fi two day yeah that is a good get that's on sale and for sale yes both things liquid sexual uh-huh well let me throw this fatty yeah tell me some stuff because we're gonna have to do it to be continued I got a lot more you got a lot more okay well for let me just say Chicago what a city had a great time I love that club I love the whole kitten caboodle just the the L train that downtown you can't beat that downtown with the river going through it like that a river runs through it the

I mean Chicago in the summer especially when you swim in that lake your backstroke look at the skyline best architecture great food good people killer comics good scene yep yep yep they got like eight clubs and how about the movies the best movies Ferris Bueller the fugitive blues brothers a couple others too I mean uh home alone home alone plane strands and automobiles most of the John Hughes a lot of the John Hughes's I think yeah home alone that was Chicago outside of Chicago everything's outside of Chicago but yeah what a town just go I took 800 pictures and no one's gonna care when I post them but I had a great time and the people are nice because it's the Midwest but they still got some stank you know I mean that's the beauty of it they're they're in the middle

of the country but they still got a guy on the train jerking it now let me ask you this is there a city and state combo that the city is more I don't know how to word it the best part of the state well I got two tell me one I would say Texas with Austin but Texas no gems you got Houston is great Dallas is pretty Houston's pretty great Dallas is pretty great West Texas is spectacular oh yeah it's beautiful out there you've seen no country for old man it's as spectacular out there I'm not saying you want to live there but there's some beauty over there all right you got some you got mountains you got everything all right try me again here's the other one I think I got something okay New Orleans to Louisiana uh-huh now that the state can suck my asshole but New Orleans is

jewel I don't know but I'm not that familiar but recently you told me on an episode of past a pulpit stenographer if I have to you did a few weeks ago you never leave the city you went to your brother's house in New Orleans Louisiana so you had some prickly trees and I'm not following you went somewhere outside of the city oh and you talked about how great it is I had a gig I know but you talked about how wonderful it was you like I've never left New Orleans and Louisiana and the country all right one of these Tuesday nerds can pull it up you talked about how wonderful Louisiana is outside maybe the fat muscle muscle guy can remember that he's the big fan and his baton rude something ah it's a college town it's it's rough well outside I'm

not trying to disparage Illinois but outside of Chicago you got Peoria I guess and just kind of Midwest yeah Illinois is not not much cooking but I'm saying Chicago is as good as anything guys world class city great city in a state that doesn't have a ton to offer no even the the Illinois the word I don't even associate it with Chicago I think of it a Native American aha but you might have something with New Orleans I don't know Louisiana very well of course it's it's rough okay it's scary out there but all right so I gotta get into this and I'm gonna try not to butcher this because this story is chock full of details and queef yeah spread your butter my friend all right butt is spread here we go all right so look I'm gonna try to really lay all this out I got a

lot a lot of groundwork to settle here okay flight I'm gonna put my feet on your table put the feet up this table's getting out of here it's too big flight 120 p.m pretty late for a for a nice gig flight to go there yes oh that is late it's a two hour flight so you still get there three ish but they're an hour behind though so you're getting an hour you're getting two ish so really it's a 12 20 there times you're okay I'm okay yeah so uh I go all right all right so I've been spending his shit ton on ubers and lifts and all this so I go look there is a New Jersey transit there is a path train I'm gonna try it I have the time I have ample time yes so I I leave at 11 25 gotta be there at 12 20 so I give myself a good hour okay but I got a good that's a bad hour

that's 55 minutes all right it's 55 but I bad hour I mapped in it said 46 minutes or so okay okay I'm giving a little jizz room you got nine minutes of jizzing okay so so late flight here we go very excited let me take the path I look up the weather in Chicago it's like 22 so as I got I'll bring my big winter coat so now I'm in my winter coat I put my little dumb coat in the suitcase packed suitcase fucking I what do you call it the laptop the whole thing so now we jump on the path here we go path cooking then you got to connect to the New Jersey transit so then I jump on the New Jersey transit so it's it's ticking along you're moving along it's taking a minute uh then train just stops just I don't know where here it's sorry folks we'll be up moving

shortly don't kill yourself here we go like all right well it'll be up moving shortly but you're looking at the clock again I got a trickle of sweat you know and I got all right now it's 10 minutes 20 minutes 30 but now it's now it's like 12 10 oh I gotta be there 12 20 and I still got like a half hour to go oh my word so finally it starts moving I just jump out of it I can't risk anymore and I get an Uber from there okay the whole thing I was against it was this nice lady African-American woman and I was like I gotta get there she's like I'll get you there all right here we go so we're hauling ass we're hauling ass I'm just gonna go off book because I gotta talk about it so I'm such an idiot she goes what terminal is it I go it's united she goes I know but

there's a united at a b and c it's a hub it's a hub so I go uh I think I don't know I'm a even though it says it right there but I was such in a huff I was so freaking out that I couldn't see it but I was terminal c so she goes well there's a one a united cancer yeah so there's an a so I go all right well get me out of the a and so I jump out of a I say thank you you're great five stars big tip you know a dead dead head and she goes okay well let me know if it's the wrong one I'll just wait a little bit and I go oh my god thank you this that's the beauty of getting out of New York you know a little nicer people so I jump in I see a guy sweeping and I go united is this united he goes yeah yeah just go check in right over there all right so I run out I go hey get out of here

lady thank you praise Allah I do the whole thing and she takes off I go back in wrong terminal yeah I gotta go to sea so I go to the guy at the desk and yeah I'm sweating because I it's down of the wire here like they're boarding gee and uh so the guy goes yeah you're at the wrong you gotta go to sea and I go well how do I get there because you gotta take the train the uh the air train what do you call it the train yes tram gender so I go I don't have time for that that thing takes a year and a half so I go uh I'll just get a cab just to go down because it's it's a ways substantial it's a big airport yeah and uh so I go to the cab the cab's like 50 bucks you get my cards 50 bucks I don't care I'm like well I'm just going to terminal C and he's like that's how I don't leave the lot

for less than this or that I'm like wow what are you talking about he's like I got 50 bucks and the lady's like plus you got to go in and get a cab receipt and like cab receipt so now I'm arguing with this fucking African guy right on the corner there so I just go he goes well you can run and I go fuck it and I just start running I'm running down the highway thing like on where the cars there's no sidewalk wow I'm hauling ass winter coat heavy luggage is finally I get the terminal B I take a little second I go I keep going cars are honking they're whizzing they're going you can see people in the cars going what the fuck like pointing as they drive by oh wow like it was like out of a John Hughes move is playing trains and automobiles thank you sneakers so yeah I am

hoofing hoofing hoofing it finally I get there and I go up to the precheck I don't have precheck I was hoping there was a clear there's no clear so I get up to the guy and I go hey I'm sweating I look like a crazy person my hair is all fucked up I got one pant leg on I got no socks I go hey man you gotta let me he's like I can't do it I was like you gotta let me but I've seen people bump the line people bump people but you need some charitable people yes this guy's like I can't man I'm sorry I'll lose my job I'm like you guys just let me through let me through because the preacher I got nobody so he goes I'm sorry so I run into the regular line here we go it's a line baby it's a snake maze so I'm like fuck so I'm just you know shaking as they move up an inch

you move up an inch I'm just looking at the clock look at the clock this thing leaves at 120 it's like 108 you know you got to get there 10 minutes before whatever it is close the door it's not 108 but it's probably like 1258 kiss 108 so then you go in you drop your you get the laptop out your whole bag spills open now you're putting all the dildos and the lube back in you're closing it up the shoes the belt the jacket the earbuds the whole thing okay it gets through bag gets flag oh flag bag it's flag oh flag it's and this is god hates flags and this is how I missed that flight to phoenix we were on I remember the flagging yeah so I go I you know it's some lady with a chewing gum and a hoop earring and she's like you're gonna have to wait sugar I'm like

just the one earring yes so I she's like a pirate so I tell her what she's like all right all right so she kind of goes through real quick there's nothing in there but a couple of cliff bars on a chipotle card and she's like all right get out of here grab the bag run to the fucking gate running running running get to the gate at 109 oh the lady goes I've been calling your name all day where the hell you been and I was like oh sorry I'm an idiot and she goes uh you can't have that a battery on you know I get the away bag it's got the battery in it she goes you can't have that and by the way my bag is I just closed I couldn't zip it so I'm just holding it open oh my god my laptop falls out of the bag and she's like you gotta go you gotta hurry up like you can't just

be putting shit together so I just say fuck I hold the laptop and the battery and the duck fell out of his bag yes and uh this is supposed to be cheesy and so I run onto the plane holding the battery holding the laptop I'm covered in sweat I got a winter coat on it's 50 degrees everybody's like what's up with this I look like a weird hobo who just stole something so they check the bag whatever I sit down I go holy hell you know you eat it all just washes over you're like what the hell did I do it's like I got raped but you made it I made it I couldn't believe I made it just the running on the fucking highway terminal the whole thing I made it so I go I'll never take the goddamn New Jersey transit again unless I have six hours I hate fucking the universe so I take

a little nappy poo on the plane ah wow it's all over I'm in Chicago we made it I get out of the plane go down check my bag the guy the the they'd set you up with a limo you know oh zany's yeah it's nice you'll see in january check them out folks I was there before I didn't get no limo things have changed oh boy so uh get the limo so the guy's calling me about the limo he's like hey just let me know when you got your bag we'll get the hell out of here I go oh yeah yeah no problem and it was a little delayed we took some some laps in the air for some reason yesterday so he's he's a little peeved so he's like hey just you know let me know we'll get out of here like I'd like to get moving it's rush hour now it's rush hour now it's four we're supposed to land it two or whatever so I go oh

maybe it's 330 but whatever he's like we got to beat this it's crazy out there it's like all right all right get my bag I call my go hey I got my bet I left the laptop on the back of the seat on the plane what I forgot about the laptop I just left it in the little the little pouch oh I hate that pouch I hate the pouch you kangaroo cut that's why you never put anything in a pouch or you have to have it hanging out it's gonna dangle out it's got a dangle if I get a magazine I put it like a third of the way in so it's flopping around that's the move but I've forgotten a time magazine in there but uh I just buy that to look smart yeah yeah this was a this was a time laptop this was no good wow so I call I go oh dude you gotta hang on I gotta get my laptop so I asked some guy working

there he's like putting carts together I go hey what do I do he goes go to lost and found or whatever the hell so I go there they call the lady they at the desk and she I go hey I look I left a laptop you gotta help me out and she goes okay okay let me let me put you on hold blah blah comes back she's big Polish lady she's like I have the laptop we have it I was like oh my god thank you so she's like give me 10 minutes I'll walk over I'm like all right so I text the driver hey I'll be done in 10 minutes as I forgot my laptop the lady's gonna come by so six minutes seven minutes eight minutes pass she's on her way down I realize I left the away battery in the pouch as well oh my god oh so I try calling the pollock back I go hey you Polish gun well I left then she's she's already on foot

she's she's gone she's out of the office she's got the laptop at hand like a like a track runner she's gonna pass it off to me she didn't see the the battery in there I don't think so I guess not I don't know maybe maybe a guy grabbed you know they cleaned the plane yeah so she shows up she's like oh she's very nice and huge and she's like hey yeah okay do you have an ID just want to check it out which is kind of weird because I'm like I left it I told you I left it it's mine right but they check the ID and I go you're gonna kill me but I I also have an away battery and she's like that's gone what do you mean you know these people like she was kind of peeve that she had to bring me the laptop so she's just gonna tell me no I can see that yeah so I'm like well let me just try

she's like that's gotta be gone I didn't see it and I'm like all right well let me try she's like there's no reason to call I'm like let me call them back and see what they say and she's like there's no reason so I'm like well let me call so I call and she's standing there like looking at me with a stink eye and I called I go hey do you see an away battery on 35 Q and she was like oh yeah I got it right here oh so this cunt was mad that that was happening oh son of a bit people are weird so I go how do I do that and the guy goes I gotta give you a gate pass and I go oh great so he's like you just leave your bags here leave your laptop you gotta go through security again go back to the gate and get the battery he's a gatekeeper uh-huh yes he is a gatekeeper

so I go through security's a long line oh whole thing this poor driver's text me he's like what it would happen everything okay yeah yeah terrorist what's going on so I go oh sorry I'm in I'm in the line again he's here in the line again why he's so confused so I get to the line put all my shit in the bin bin goes through guide the the the woo woo what do you call the x-ray the woo woo yeah the radiation thing yeah the radiation of american woo woo woo so he goes hey you're your pods in yeah and I go oh yeah let me just let me just go through I'm on the end of my rope here I'm like come on man he's like no you gotta take those out so now I look back and there's like a huge line behind oh I've seen that yes so I go well let me keep my spot and he goes out

so I put the ear buds back this guy hates me I gotta wait in the back of the line oh but who woo woo yes choo choo so then baka baka baka baka baka baka baka walk a walker so you too so so uh finally go woo woo woo beep beep beep beep random selection oh Jesus did you believe that I can't believe it they're all this a random selection no joke and I go dude you gotta be kidding me he's loving every bit if he's grabbing my asshole he's doing the swipe on the legs he's tweaking my nips the whole thing him to finger in my mouth and uh finally I get through there I put my fucking clothes back on I run to the gate guy hands me the battery run back driver furious uh well they get mad out there because that traffic in Chicago is no joke so any just a slip of the

tongue a few minutes and you're fucked it's over so we got in the car it's a tense tense ride I'm trying to so how about those cubs he hated me so uh finally two hours later we get to the uh get to the fucking condo that must have been almost showtime at this point it was almost it was seven o'clock show so I showered I jerked it and I wouldn't did the cow wow yeah so that was that was just an up and down a roller coaster of events that is brutal that's brutality it takes it out of you because you're lonely on the road and it's a lot and then the the travel sucks and then I don't know you had this we can get into this we only have a short amount of time remaining they really did a an epic there no no that was great but this is what happens though and people I feel like they

don't realize maybe that you spend all this time writing and traveling and you're tweaking a word and you record your sets you listen to them which is very painful it's a lot of time a lot of years and you work from the bottom we started you're at the very bottom bottom of the barrel you're not a comedian I'm nothing I'm not a top at one point you're the newest comedian on the planet that's a good point you got nothing no experience and you're nowhere yes and we fought and climbed and scratched and battled for fucking years yeah then you sit around you try to work out and you're right and you spend your whole day in isolation you're very sad and I'm not trying to a lot of people out there roofing and doing hvac and painting so we're very fortunate but you have all that

then you get up there I do a joke my second joke of the night in Grand Rapids is about people that yawn out loud on airplanes I hope they all die that's funny and uh the guy goes like this just yells out two seconds in what a lunatic and you just want to go I want to smash the guys head into the sidewalk until he's unrecognizable yes I'm with you I'd like to rape his corpse but here's the thing the club they don't help you this guy's buying ample cocktails yeah they want the cocktail money well this guy first of all he was wearing like a white scaly cap and I was like yeah I was like shut up what's that now a scaly cap what's a scaly cap you know I like the Irish a scaly cap like a like a like a cabbie thing yeah like a cabbie or a golfer type of thing I never do the name

yeah so he's wearing that and I go scaly wig I go you suck I go you're a fucking idiot would you ride a golf cart here you put whatever I said uh and then uh then I had a brief moment where I was like but I hope that was the guy that yelled out oh wouldn't that suck if you're like your hat's gay you suck you piece of shit he's like it wasn't me and I was like oh shit so then I had the thing where he's just mad now the rest of the show he's he's just looking at me upset and his friends are laughing but he's just staring and then he leaves halfway through yeah like he's he's bummed of course but I had that and then a woman did a woman with a big sequenced uh what do you call it sports coat she yelled out at one point a few times I go yeah I don't know I do a joke about

people eating lollipops in the airplane she I go I don't even know where you get a lollipop outside of a bank she goes what about at a bank wow I go yeah that's what I just said remember I said that and then the whole time she's yelling about it's her birthday and the whole thing she's talking and then she yelled at the doormat he spoke to her and then she's like why'd you single me out you're singling me out what and you want to treat her like a child you want to go why do you think you're getting sick exactly why do you think you're the only person that anyone's talking about and then the doorman was telling me the story he's like yeah she wrote this long comment card she started yelling at me and it's so funny because I go was it the woman on the front table

second row with the sequel he's like yes and I was like that's what you want to say to her right I want to go the doorman told me what you said and I knew exactly who he was talking about yep how do you suppose I knew exactly who he was talking about because you're a problematic skank and all the other tables were staring at it there was like a table full of women that was great dying laughing they were like turn around look like a full turnaround like what is I'm like you're bothering everybody yes and then there was another table in the back of these like bro dude fucking meathead assholes they looked too handsome and they shouldn't have been there and they're talking the whole time and then they got kicked out oh good and they're doing like these fake

shushes they're going as I'm closing last bit of the thing he's going sh everybody doing that like a sarcastic shush and I'm like no no it's just you yeah you're an asshole and here's the thing this is the last thing I'll say because I know you got more story I got nothing about uh well that's this is the last this is the thing I don't understand why don't people leave show like this guy was like heckling immediately they were talking throughout the whole mcs act then the feature then they get spoken to so they're just sitting arms crossed then they're not gonna laugh even if they think something's funny I hate these guys but I want to say just leave the show I know you don't you hate the show you think we suck we don't like you

just beat it and in their mind they're like I already bought a I paid but I'm like but you're wasting your money by staying at a thing you don't like right like I go to movies and if I think the movie sucks I'll leave in the middle of it I don't need to get my $15 worth because it's worth more to me to be out living my life than watching a shitty film or what you perceive to be a shitty show my hypothesis is they want to ruin it they like of course having a good time fucking your shit up yes they want out of spite yes yes and and what else are they gonna do they're gonna go to a bar and intend entertain each other this way they have a poor guy with glasses and weird teeth you know spilling his life story and they get to have fun shitting on you it's an event jerk offs

fucking jerk off hey everyone else was great I love the club I love the city they're very nice to you there I worked with Garrett Elzinga you know that guy I think I worked with him once there he's like a main house emcee I think I'm saying his last name right probably not Elzinga Elzinga all right I think it's that zinger I just don't zinger oh yeah Elzinga could be like a Latino guy with that that does crowd work yeah we're just like a bullfighter and then Matt Stofsky both funny guys we had a great time great weekend and it was fun but it takes it and then you're just and then this is the problem with a heckler or somebody that's chatty or yelling or chirpy then every minute every second of the show you're waiting for someone to yell so you're on edge and

you're ready to fight yes and then you can't take a pause or a break or a breather you can't call an audible you're just gonna plow through yeah and it just I'm uncomfortable I hate it I'm like shaking because I'm so anxious and you're just waiting for them to come back or like roast up Nat yeah and it just it takes everyone out of it and this is what I hate I hate booze I hate alcohol all right and I hated myself when I was drinking I hate drunks there should be clubs where they're like this is the no alcohol show yeah why or to drink maximum you know they have a to drink minimum right but people like pregame and get shithouse but they don't do that for a movie or the theater yeah like if you go to a movie you're like oh maybe you have a beer before now

like some theaters have some beers now or bars yeah you have a couple drink there's people at the shows that are like hammered it's lights out they're like in blackout drunk yeah fucking stumbling I'm like don't why are you here I know and this is coming from a fucking alcoholic sure but like I said I'm like I hated myself I look back at my behavior I'm like I was a piece of shit self-centered fucking moron yeah that's the thing in your self-centered and you don't realize you're being self-centered because you're fucking sourced and you don't yeah like all these people are like why are you single in me why am I getting shit I can't even talk and you're like don't you see you're the only person that this is happening too they're always the victim it's a whole thing

that's just a bad brain and like I can't talk you're like no no you can't talk no it's your performance yes it's like a movie or a theater also that's plastered all over I mean speaking of plaster that's put all over the walls you know like hey you talk we throw you out no cell phone don't kill yourself whatever it takes it I it reminds me of that great scene in uh no direction home when Dylan's like I can't get in tune I don't even want to get in tune when someone they're booing that's how I feel I'm like I don't even want to do a good show yeah like fuck you what's your point they're ruining it for all the other people there was one guy there that sat up front Tuesday you had glasses like me beard sweet guy and I appreciated after because I was like sorry

there was some people talking he's like oh I don't I didn't know he was just watching the shit like because he's in the front row right so when you're close he's just sitting there listening to me laughing yeah so he's like well I don't give a shit so you have to remember that like a lot of people they don't notice or care but right it's really it fucking makes you not want to try it's soul crushing yeah and then it's just a spiral of like all right well they're talking they won't shut up so I'm not going to try so they'll continue to think I suck and then they'll tell people I suck and then it just goes on from there yeah and you're just and not enjoying it and that's the hard part is on the road is hard it's isolating it's difficult the show is supposed

to be the fun part so when you're not having fun there now you're like this whole thing is a waste yeah that's a good point you get paid which is nice but like again there was a there was also two guys in the back corner just having a full conversation I try to just ignore it but you want to go what the fuck I know leave also hey how about a little consideration it's rude like you're not a robot up there you're you're not a what do you call that anagram I don't know hologram mammogram yes well that's the thing that bothers me too I'm I know you're a group you're part of a group but I am talking to you I've said this before on here I'm talking to you yeah you're like I'm talking to everybody but you're a member of the audience so like I am telling

you a story yes and you're talking to somebody else right it's very a show you chose to go to that's the weird thing and paid for enjoy it but what are you gonna do I don't know where we're cunts I get it I know we suck and we complain but I just god I can't wait for the day of having you're all a full room of people who are there to see you it'd be nice that's all I want oh speaking of which we got a plug we're doing a live Tuesday is in January village underground at the comedy cell when is the 22nd or something it's a Tuesday I think it is the 22nd oh fuck I pulled it up let me look it up yeah you look it up but that's gonna be a hot one village on it we've had uh two there right and they both were killers so let's do another one go pack all everybody

get get tickets let's let's knock this one out I think we only did one didn't we well we did one and then we did like 12 at the fat black and a couple of stand-up New York yeah so yeah well we gotta do it though it's gonna be a hot one it's been too long get some fun guests in there oh yeah we did one of the improv that was it it's not the 22nd it's the 29th the 22nd if you got extra dough is uh Michelle Wolfe and I are doing a earth wind and funny part three also the underground but get tickets to the uh live Tuesdays first because uh we need you that money goes to yeah and wolf will sell out yeah she'll sell it out anyways but um come to January 29th live Tuesdays with stories village underground I don't know who the guests are gonna be wearing

to figure something out but let's aim high let's go for the moon we'll aim high uh maybe wolf get the tickets soon January 29th village underground and man I got a bunch of dick and I start plugging some of these dates or what I mean this weekend Portland Helium the numbers are looking pretty good but they could use a little jolt especially the late shows or Thursday if you haven't bought your tickets yet get a ticket to the late show or Thursday we could I wouldn't mind beefing those up a little bit and then I got the big one December 27th through the 29th uh Helium in Philadelphia come on out to that one I know we got a big market there in Philly so uh Philly come on out to that and uh Raleigh next week oh another fun one a week from this weekend is

good nights in Raleigh and then January again I'm all over the fucking road here in Naples Florida at uh Captain Brian's thing quit bragging Sarah will be there with me and then the week after that the 17th of the 19th Zany Chicago that gives you a little buffer you got a little time to re-up go bears your your money uh 17th through 19th again with Sarah then the week after that one of the great cities one of the great clubs Madison, Wisconsin comedy on state can't wait for that one and then the week after that I'm doing uh Ridley's believe it or not whatever hell it's called Royal Oak Michigan can't believe it's not butter yeah Royal Oak in Michigan the 31st through February 2nd live Tuesdays with stories at the Village Underground

and what they do is if we don't sell tickets they fill it in still with non-Tuesdays and they don't know what the fuck's going on they're terrified we start going off on Asian dicks and they don't know what's what so come on out January 29th get the tickets early they always sell out there don't put it off because you'll get you'll get iced out or whatever yeah liquid uh but that should be an ice ice my nice and then it can melt into your I can melt in the liquid um but uh go to comedian joe list dot com for these dates follow us on instagram and twitter hit up my facebook fan page I think I'm gonna get rid of the regular facebook and just go fan it's not a bad idea it's all evil on there comedian joe list give it a like give it a follow and uh thanks so much for the people

that do come out and are great at it and support us I am so it makes it that much more appreciative yes so much more meaningful with all these shitbags we're in scally caps yelling at you I know I mean I can't tell you how many guys came up like I went through something rough then your your pod your guys pod like helped me out and all that I'm like I don't know what to say but it means the world to me I'm like oh my god I'm so sorry I hug all these people I slap them on the butt that's a whole thing yeah it's very kind very thoughtful we appreciate the uh gratitude we got some amazing emails and oh yeah email and all the uber gift cards more chipotle that that zany's is so great because it's a gym a chipotle a starbucks and a cigar bar all in like a two and a great bar all

like a two block radius yeah I can't wait to be there again January 17 18 19 uh what do you got tell them some things this ended on a sombery note but well I got uh I got I did six shows seven shows I got a heckled four shows and uh all by uh drunk ladies who really hated me uh one lady I was on my closer and I had that thing you have where you're just on edge because you people keep yelling of course and the worst is when they wait till that silent moment before you hit the punch you go quiet just you can hit the punch and they would yell in the quiet so you can't think you can't you're you're like a scared deer you're like all right just gotta get through the guy and it ruins your timing the whole thing yeah yeah so a lady yelled my punchline during my

closer oh just the whole crescendo you're trying to put a button on it put a bow on the whole thing and she yelled out my punchline and I just spent like five minutes going off on her like who what kind of life do you live how do you live like this and of course she thought I was the bad guy but then here's the weird thing the next day email apologizing really yeah I mean it's the boo's just gets so sloppy you don't even know who you are anymore you turn in a Darth Vader out there yeah I just I hate it and um those people god bless the people that go out and have a couple of drinks I want to say it I'm like from one alcoholic to another you're a fucking mess you're a bumbling mess and you're not supposed to be this drunk in public and also grow up I know 41

what are you doing it's uh with the booze is evil because I would get I've got drunk we would close down that ale house I would get drunk till like five in the morning and this kid Eric comic he goes I work in an indoor skydiving you should come by tomorrow I was so hung over I couldn't do it so I missed out on this great activity that could have been a lot of fun something I've never done and I was a piece of fucking human garbage and I skipped it and I felt horrible about it the whole time I think I met that guy he offered me to do that he's a good looking kid great hair yeah yeah yeah yeah so oh and my Derek Raff was killer there so I'll be at a Wisconsin Appleton the big Appleton not the same week tomorrow next this week this week and then uh what do you

got here Pittsburgh then Boston then I'm doing the cinema arts in Long Island then uh San Francisco punchline Philly Helium good nights in Raleigh Mohegan's son the whole thing you name it Mark Norman comedy dot com appreciate all of you god bless America kill yourself and uh fuck your ass take care of each other thank you