Tuesdays with Stories! - #277 Chunky Hon

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

Hot damn, Mark & Joe are back again as Mark sees a crazy guy start a fight on the train before hopping all over Pittsburgh with Chris Allan while Joe is almost hit by a car in Raleigh! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon to hear the new live ep with Bert Kreischer and Nick Vatterott! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy yeah come in my face please it'll be nice is like a little cum windshield wiper for porn stars I think we're like a headband with just a one wiper yeah but the

wife your face isn't smooth like the windshield is smooth you have a forehand wiper for it wipe yeah that wouldn't be our glasses if you have a glasses thing yes come on my glasses calm yeah replug I'll do I did a compilation today oh really who was coming the women or the men a little of both okay yeah but it was it was pretty exciting I'll say it porn is I can't we've talked about it before I have trouble getting into porn but I do the thing and Sam and I were discussing it with sex sex is it's you would be having sex for too long that you need to keep up in it yeah yeah and now I'm like I'm into pegging and

fucking you know what I mean and like I got need more I'm like stick your foot in my mouth and then you know joke we flick my ear and I've noticed that if I go on the road for four days I come back and I'm a preteen homo again I'm like oh whatever you got I'll do it because I'm so pent up that you can tickle my my lower back and I'm I'm creaming well I'm crazy pimp right now because is it pimped pent pent pent up oh I always thought it was pimped P. M. P. T. I know pimp it's pent up Alexa what's pimped ah nothing she's sleeping she's pumped up up there they can't hear that they can't hear it yeah we don't have cans yeah on

the fridge so that's pent house it's like a house of pent up people is that what's different that's interesting I think that must be it because I'll repent you got a repentance yeah God's pent up well he isn't it sex ever is that right well Mary got pregnant you know some whore she got pregnant on her own I guess then I got Mary pregnant she had in vitro what is in vitro I know in utero is an album by Nirvana oh that's in the uterus in utero means in the uterus in vitro means I think that's when they stick they you come on your hand you jammin in her twat could be like a good like an old Italian emperor and vitro oh that's not

bad it could be that but anyways so yeah I have to say that well right now so I was on the road here's how it worked out I mean I don't want to get too graphic with my sex I'm married for God's sakes but you know we had sex we were in Portland had sex yes then we came back and it was Sunday for whatever reason it was you know we had the Sunday blues and then work and our schedules didn't mix up then I went all the way to Raleigh come back she's got the fear she's got hay fever or the flu or something crazy over there we had to cancel our Christmas party which is a bummer yeah yeah I was really looking forward to that

I don't know if you were I was me and the lady we had our dancing shoes on oh man it's a fun fun day and it's what sucks is was an adult with no kids I think we might talk about this there's no Christmas really the kids have the Christmas spirit you got to really seek out the Christmas spirit we're out here working I'm at fucking Zany's in you know Orlando or whatever the fuck so I can't there's no Christmas tree we bought a tree the only Christmas thing we have is we have one little party we play music we all talk but got cancer she's sick so now we just have a blank tree for four days no ornament we haven't decorated yet

because she's got a fever 112 damn yeah you got to force the spirit it's almost like a like a dead marriage where you got a you got to spice it up yeah we got that too but I gotta I gotta go home I bought like my Derek's kids who I consider my niece and nephew I got them some Christmas gifts now that's something now that's fun here's the thing with little kids we have the little tykes they're like he's almost three and she's sick so those kids it's fun to buy gifts for cuz they'll play they're like this is fun yeah my sister's kids are 13 and 10 so they're like I gotta get them like a football jersey he doesn't

play with us is great she's 13 I don't know what the hell she wants I don't know a playgirl yeah I don't know what a teenager does a four-year-old though you go here's a ball you fucking loser and you spray Adam how about this I'm playing with the Derek's children and I'm being a horse you know I'm being horsey I got the girl on my back I'm being a horse I try to really sell it I'm doing those I'm clapping I'm eating the hay which is you know my wife's foot yeah yeah yeah then I did a roof then I did a horse kick didn't realize little baby Joe is behind me I fucking horse kicked him right in the face oh two years old I

just booted him wow that's what a horse would do I know I kicked him in the face and he looked over like the fit that the his face of like why did you do that like he thinks I'm like his buddy I'm playing horse the sister I'm chewing the hay I mean I'm in character and you got a kick on you I've you got some real I got a donkey kick I got long legs and here's the thing I don't want to break cactus so I had to treat him as a horse I went over I started licking his balls and sniffing his ear and you know I really horse it up yeah but horse play was he fucked up because I mean that's quite a gam you got there you could he

was probably the other room when you had him fortunately fortunately I wasn't it wasn't a full like I was like I but it was a good it had some stank on it you weren't breaking a door down but I think his soft spot finally filled in so I got like the heel hit the the skull like the pretty he's got a good skull on him yeah fresh and it was I had a sock on I think that offered some protection probably a little jizz on his eye but maybe a little crinkle from the crinkly hard sock but did you did you have a wigwam or was it a black church sock what's a wigwam that's those dick socks that the girls wear a wool wool sock I think

cotton wigwam wigwam that's what the Catholic girls where they pull them up to their thigh and white that sounds like something that's on porn yeah it's in there no it wasn't a wigwam I had like a you know they just did a deed is under armor I don't know what kind of black socks exclusively because my pants are too short so I gotta have black shows up I mean these paint my jeans are fine but I wear like a warm-up pant yeah I look like Huck Finn the thing so I pull those high black socks up doesn't look so bad but yeah anyways I horse kicked him he was fine kids get over stuff like that you know I mean they bounce back they

don't dwell but we had fun we went bowling we did I did the thing where I spelled it out I was like what if we go bo w l and then the kids are like what's that what is that I'm like what going bowling you piece of shit and these bowling kids though they can't keep their attention span first of all they have a new thing where the the the bumpers come up just for the kids you can type in kid and the bumpers come up just for them and the retards yeah the retards and the kids they need the bumpers sure retard bumper I don't think you're allowed to say retard anymore by the way people are out yeah they are

fucking adamant someone said this I worked with a woman this weekend who is really funny named Maddie Weiner oh good name remember that day she's gonna be big this gal Maddie Ween yeah she's like 20 years old and hilarious got real jokes she started when she was 16 she's one of these people it's like she was like she's a comic you know yeah I wish I had done that but wait I forgot what I said oh she was telling me a story where she was saying someone was like hey you said the R word and she's like I know I have a couple rape jokes and they're like no no retard so retard is the R word like retard trumps rape wow I don't care

if you talk about rape you can't say retard those are a lot of bad things at once then retard Trump rape but yeah I get I could see that I think retard was always the R word I guess so but like but I see what you're saying but interesting that like it's you thinking like oh rape yeah I did a rape joke like no no I don't care about a rape joke right care about saying return and to me retard should be okay because even the person you're making fun of doesn't get to take offense oh I think they do you think I think someone would doubt that that's my argument was gonna be I'm not calling Downsender people retarded I

think if you walked up to someone with Downsender said hey retard they'd be offended and they're probably beat that your ass they got strength they could lift a car you know what they always have huge dicks is that I know a girl she's a nurse she said every retarded kid that would come through there was packing a Louisville slugger oh maybe Metzger's retarded yeah he's got that mug on him huge cock huge cock big eyeballs and crazy lumbering arms that are just dangling there but yeah so they got big dongs they got crazy strength but I don't know if they know that that's mean I think it's all about the intent of you

go hey little retard they might go he no no no you're thinking of like a real mongoloid yeah you're thinking of something like an injury people with Downsender that's why of course they know it they've been made fun of this all they had to do the whole sitcom about it people calling them retard they got a sitcom life goes on man I can't even get a sick car you're not retarded enough all right well that's nice well that was back in the day life goes I love that show quirky Thatcher he was like the quintessential see I don't want to call a person with Downsender return I feel bad about that you call what is special

needs special needs yes or a one with Down syndrome all right well I tell you open for some headliners who had some special needs in the grade room M&M's yeah a lot of that I don't know all right well well my point is by the way shouldn't they change it from dad it should be up syndrome down is down oh good point should be up syndrome I like it we should change everything everything's got to go and then and then this should be a fucking newsletter to tell you what's changing yes but we don't pay attention because we get the newsletter we know the newsletter we don't say it I feel like you get the

newsletter when you get yelled at you're like okay that's that right but we know here's what I think about people like they had the Kevin Hart thing where he said the F word and then they were like but can he have changed and you got to give people the room to grow and I'm like oh we don't even have that excuse we said it last week and the week before right yeah we don't have the growth excuse yeah fucked one of the perks of not being successful yeah well hopefully when we stop now from here on out no more faggot retard all right and then once we're if we just give it some time yeah that was the last faggot

hopefully we don't blow up for like a couple of months and then we'll go hey we've changed the last couple months all right there you go but I do think and this is arguments been made before and if it's one thing if we're not going up to gay people and now the F word or people or downsies and calling them the our word sure we're saying you know my father's gay yeah you know my dad's retarded exactly and then so bad when the Kevin Hart thing came out there was all these tweets of like look what she said look what this female comic said and then a lot of gay guys wrote in like I don't mind that one yes that was okay

so you're like okay so there is some nuance here well also it's like every gay person I know says the F word all the time well it's like N word with the black folk yeah it's a it's a tricky world out there it is topsy-turvy and I think if because here's I had a long talk with the one Ron Bennington oh I love him and he's we came to the conclusion that it's interesting that you're not supposed to say this you're not supposed to say that this is the wrong word that's the correct word this is PC this is not and yet over and over people keep getting in trouble for it because we keep doing it there's something in us that

has to keep doing it it's human well we've talked about this before we've also the job of a comedian not that maybe not the job whatever to me the idea of a comedian to me from growing up with Carlin and prior and all these guys was saying what you're not supposed to say that's the whole idea fun where do I supposed to be the rule breakers that's our thing it's almost like a verbal dare devil you're not supposed to go eight mile eight million miles an hour but the NASCAR guy doesn't right evil can evil or whoever the hell yes that's what's interesting to me and to be fair we always talk about getting in trouble

except for these people don't get in all that much trouble some people do the N word can really fuck oh well you get Paul Dean or yeah you know Rod Stirling or whatever Kramer Kramer yeah butler but I don't know some people I mean we've been doing it for quite a while we're doing fine in our lives but you never know on that that guillotine's gonna cut our foreskin off yeah well we just got to not be successful and so far we're knocking out of the ballpark doing great it's not being great well we're relatively successful I don't want yeah I know I'm happy and we got a good career and I got a little Christmas tree

there with fruit loops yeah Christmas tree over there it's a little it's humbling and I strung those myself that took about six hours oh wow yes I'd got dental floss and fruit loops and just spun it through all day long no that seems like fun it's funny brings you in the gal together you put on a little baby it's cold outside and then you bang that good time that that song is on the way out yeah that song is a problem but here's the thing too and this is the argument I make with our podcast and that song and and I think most people would agree that song is because I think that we gotta need to make changes in our society yeah

we gotta because people have been mistreated and you know white supremacy is on the rise and all that business of course but you have to decide what what's serious like does anyone believe that someone has been abused or raped because of that song you think that song is contributing that's where I get crazy I refuse to believe that the world is any worse off yes because of our podcast that somebody is committing a hate crime I trust people yes can can recognize when someone's joking and not joking I completely agree but I think they they're saying it's part of it it makes the culture seem more

accepted if the song is out there I'm not saying I agree with that I'm saying that's their argument no I know I understand the argument but to me like there's a lot worse than that then a song that was written in 1941 and you get hip-hop and then every movie is horrifying of course yeah they're recreating rape scenes in film yeah so I don't know what's what but don't rape and don't live 20 years of school they put you on the day shift there you go look out kid it's something you did God knows when but you're doing it again here here anyway let's get into some business what are we doing here we're having a

guy this is like an off-air chat can I just say that the Jews are getting screwed and all this how so I mean I feel like the Jews get their street cred for how much people hate them you know oh it's out there you know it's all this neo Nazi Charlottesville all these protests and riots everybody's like oh these guys are racist they're anti-Semitic and I don't feel like anybody gives Jews any any sympathy for that right the user still out there kicking ass running this running that being 6% of the country it's such a small minority and yet tons of people hate them and I don't feel like they get any love because their skin

looks like whitey that's my theory interesting they look brown I feel like people be like protected and walk by Jews and go let me let me walk you to the bus yeah you poor bastard I'm sorry the interesting they get nothing as they look like you yeah I mean yeah I got I appreciate that yeah some good looks I don't look good this mirror in your house is brutal the fact that I have to look at the teeth the the overbite the jawline the forehead I gotta get a haircut I just look like a big pilot lanky dog shit we could put the the Christmas tree in front of you I gotta put a curtain or like someone else's headshot in front of

me I mean it's bad dude I look over there I want to shoot myself I don't know how my wife fucks me yeah I wonder about that but we're gonna Pete Lee or a Jeff die headshot and just throw it right there Pete Lee somebody you know he's a decent looking guy he's not on Jeff die level I can tell you Jeff dies in an arm yeah he's something else that's some hot comics out that Chris D oh he's a sexy macho beefcake his middle name should be I've seen his that's a hell of a name what is that Polish Chris I've seen his D a lot all right we gotta get into some story what are we doing here well I got a story but I don't want to it kind

of goes into this hole you know goes into this hole yeah it goes into this whole topsy-turvy they were talking about right now hit me hit me with a story I hit me with a digit spread your butter did a couple shows here and at some point and the girl hits me she goes what do you say we just go out and get a drink she should be spontaneous sometimes at 9 a.m. so she's got to be up in the crack of jizz but she's like I'm like yeah let's get a fucking drink and that's what's nice but not drink as much you get a drink it's like a thing I know so like I love to have that I know a great bar on Hudson Street it'll be nice it's all

Christmasy and we'll have an eggnog and you know fuck each other and so I'm on the way down from state of New York one train going local baby 78th Street to 14 Street and 7th Avenue guy on the train older black guy looks normal got a bag full of our basket full of groceries on the wheelie baskets oh yeah one of those it's got cereal I was looking in the basket grits and all this shit and just out of nowhere goes fuck all you white motherfuckers you're right this country you're the real immigrants you killed the Native Americans now you act like you're the victim are you fucking kidding me I mean it's got a stand in the foot

away from me I'm on the edge of the seat with the metal thing and he's on the door oh gee he's making some good points yeah you know you can tell you read a pamphlet was just like regurgitating right and it kind of came out of nowhere so people are just like huh whatever some guys yelling it's pretty normal yeah but then you start listening and you start listening and he's like God's gonna get you got all you think you got a great life now God's coming down to get you and this Indian guy the train stops the doors open this Indian guys trying to get off but this guy's in his way and he goes excuse me sir you know

nice well-to-do suit businessman and the guy goes fuck you faggot I'll fucking kill you and he puts his middle finger around the guys like an inch away from his eyeball oh my god I will kill you and I was like I thought he was gonna kill this guy I thought he was gonna beat the shit out of him but the Indian was guys like and ran away and I was like all right so this guy means business yeah if you say hey come on shut up he'll probably bite your yeah so then this old white guy on the other side of the train this guy you know you got an anchor tattoo and like a sailor cap this guy's seen some shit he's weathered pipe I

wish all right no spinach and he goes all right pipe down buddy pipe down there's a pipe so there you go right pipe so so something like he says something white guy ish like that like all right wrap it up dude yeah the black guy goes oh you want some of this I'll come over there I kick your ass the white guys go yeah yeah whatever and I was like man I wish I had this guy's balls oh my god they're pretending to listen to my earbuds but I'm actually just like kind of freaking out like planning my movie all right this guy comes over I'm just gonna pop up and punch him in the chin like I got all this game playing going the white

guys about whatever I do that a lot I'll hit pause in the music but still bob my head like I'm listening but you're actually listening to the fight I was bobbing and weaving yeah you got a bob by the way bad joke I had once about a you know Robert De Niro always dates black chicks so when he walks up he's a it's bobbing weave oh that's fun never worked I can see why it wouldn't work I thought it was something that was a 19 I like it's a good tweet it didn't do well on the area well treated in you live you jizz what's that treated again sometimes I'll tweet out stuff that I tweeted nine years ago just to throw it

back out there I do the same because you got new people new eyes I listen to the Ted Alexander WTF good listen oh I'll check it out it's interesting but he had a good point they were talking about we're so in our heads about repeating material that we've done in the past but you're like alright fans just be patient while everyone else catches up it's like you saw my Conan five years ago he didn't but the the rest most people did not exactly like we have fan we have you know we have a hundred fans or whatever but they're great there but you they're like hey we already heard this joke but I'm like I know but

there's like 300 million other people haven't heard it yeah just hang tight and then I'll get some new ones out to you I had a tweet do you anything on the on the black around the train huh anything you got anything on that because I'm about to move on oh I thought there was more to it oh that's it oh sorry I thought we were just digressing and coming back no I just got off the train and that was it but I had this whole thing like it shook me all night long yes and you because it just I sat there going I should say something but then you're like I heard Alan in my head like he's crazy you're not gonna get

through the guy don't try to talk to those people I know but I don't know the one thing it was nice there was a couple black people on the train they kept rolling their eyes you can tell they were like this fucking guy well that's where we're all together yes as a as as citizens is that like this is an annoyance it doesn't matter what he's saying he could be saying fuck I we can say anything yeah you just like it doesn't do with the point he's the guy screaming on the train but yeah and it's so weird cuz like when I was growing up you know I grew up in a predominantly African-American neighborhood and they

would always be like why can't I just be a guy what if you're a black guy that's always always hear that and then with this guy I'm like why can't I just be a guy because he was like pointing at all the white people and train going you raped this country you did this I'm like I just bombed on a show is what I just did right I'm going to meet a skank for a cocktail I'm not I didn't do anything I didn't rape anybody or you know take the slaves away or whatever the hell you know I I'm just trying to get drunk you fucking nutcase yeah I met a cock for a skank tail so that was a skank tail at the new site the hedgehog I don't know

what that is but uh yeah so I don't it's just one of those things where you're like we're all the same black white anal gay Jew we're all just trying to get by and not be judged by our skin and our anals and all that and you know that's why it's it's why it's weird when you know you see these like men are scum and you're like yeah just like you I'm just trying to be nice yeah there's a lot of uh there's a there's a thing I think there's a lot of really mostly good nice people in every group and there's a bunch of really shitty people in every group aha don't you think I mean I completely agree I mean every single group that I

can think of except for maybe trans I've never made like a piece of shit trans but I've only met I think like three trans people in my life yeah that's a low but I'm sure there's some trans out there that are fucking complete scumbags of course why wouldn't every group of people that I've met gay black white women men Asian I've met some that I'm like that guy sucks this person sucks exactly but most of them in every group is a pretty good person the majority of people are pretty good people yes and for you to go you know pick a group out of it eskimos suck then you go okay so you're dumb of course oh yeah well racism and

sex is ignorant it's so dumb and ignorant and that's why we joke about it and people go what are you dumb and ignorant you go no no we're joking about it because that's how silly it's so silly to be racist that you can make a joke I think we talked about this before maybe I said this in the pocket remember but it was so funny to me because I was going we're talking I was talking about this with Ari we were in a long car ride and I was like well that's what people don't understand is like we're making like racist jokes I'm like I'm making fun of racists who think they're ignorant we're making fun of them right and then

later there's like an Asian guy and I was like and he goes I don't think that is making fun of that's just you doing that because it's funny and I was like yeah yeah that one is just me doing that because that's funny yeah that's just comedy it's just a funny I'm not making fun of racist when I do that you can't deny it that one's just a funny thing to do yeah but it is funny also again it goes back to what we were talking about with a comedy like you're saying things you're not supposed to say yeah like someone like DiPallo the other day did we talk about this Saras and this to me he tweeted there's like a picture of

bunch of young teenage women like they're like making fists like we're fighting back and he's like shut up your cunts and then there was like a laugh button article where they were like where's the joke you're not making a joke and I'm like well the joke is you're not supposed to just call teenagers cunts that's the joke the joke is he's using a word that you're not supposed to use to describe children of course that's the joke I know they're not cunts but she gets a rise out of it and she gets a click out of it and that's all and she know the other day I was at the cellar and a woman dropped a bunch of dishes and

I went oh women that doesn't even make sense that's not like a stereotype about women they drop things you know but I just said that because it's dumb and ignorant and that's doesn't make sense and that's why it's funny yeah that's the joke but then people hear and they go oh this guy must have a problem it's like no that's the joke is that it's so stupid right yeah anal I don't know cliff jizz but I mean there's there is something funny about saying a thing you're not supposed to say that's funny yes of course that's like the very that's actually the very essence of what a joke is set up a thing that sounds like it's

gonna be this and then you say the opposite that's what a joke is white to get to the other side yes twist yes he's black and steel's things that's the twist oh boy alright so that one was alright we'll edit that you think I don't know maybe well that's what I don't get is how you know you go blah blah blah is bad white people are bad or this is bad and then if you say this group is bad people go oh I'm like oh I think you kind of think they're bad well they're oppressed is the argument there interesting the people the people that are in charge and running the show do feel that way but don't you feel like

Jews are a group that get made fun of and they're in charge but it's offensive uh-huh wait what well you say like okay if you say this group is bad you say like let's say go okay white people are bad nobody cares you go eight but Jews are bad and people go hey that's fucked up but they're not really oppressed they're killing it you were saying earlier they were oppressed though huh earlier you were saying Jews don't get the credit for being oppressed I think hate them but only people are oppressing them I think they're trying to marching in the streets saying fuck these Jews and they also killed six

million of them they're also surrounded by countries that hate them and want to fucking kill all of them well Israel gets so there's some problems there but the point is that with the black people stealing like the police most but not most police I don't want to cast dispersion the police thing I'm yeah I'm not okay but like they're like I think what's people get mad about a joke like that is that they are a lot of people will assume they are stealing so they have to deal with this this is like yeah of course this is where it's tricky so that's why that would be less funny than being like oh white people got tiny

dicks well this brings me to my next point great this is like a very special episode I guess so we're trying to solve the world here so it'd be funny at the same time it's very tricky yeah I was at Pittsburgh by the way I love racist jokes of course just trying to say why one people might be offended and I think that most people making the racist jokes like us we're aren't racist because if you were you'd be more quiet about it well some people are racist very outspoken especially these days those are the lunatics yeah we're like functioning members of society I agree I'm functioning quite well yes of course

after this episode we might be ostracized or pigeon-sized I don't know this is gonna lead right into our ads which they're not gonna hate well we'll clean it up so is it Pittsburgh great town grimy gritty got some stank on it it's just a lot of steel and brick good people you know I always put Pittsburgh and Philly in my head in the same bowl of cashews and boy they're a different much different but very interesting in that they're the two cities in a big country state yes yes so I'm out there and I never I've been there before but I was always flying to a gig fly out never really soaked it in the rivers

great the bridges is that casino it's it's a really cool looking city and it's old and a lot of history feels very Americana oh yeah three rivers dive bars and all that shit so I'm on stage and these crowds are tough these crowds are it's a slugfest Chris Allen's killing the host is doing well but I just could not get a get a role going I've just been having a string of good weekends and this one it was like that joke they love now they hate this one they're already done laughing at that one the tag didn't work it just everything is just up and down you can't relax yeah so Friday or Saturday early show we get a we get a

pretty big like almost a sellout and I do I have a lot of Jewish material sure now I do the Jew jokes out of the gig is a kill yeah I forgot about the shooting big shooting yes synagogue massacre yes so I do the jokes and it's like we said their brain went there I wasn't even thinking about that right do these jokes every weekend and so I got a lot of like you should be ashamed of yourself oh what were you thinking you can't make jokes like that a couple people told me one lady said and Chris Allen's like hey you can't tell him that it was kind of fun and then it was like a whole thing and I like Chris killed the host killed the

guest spot killed and I went up and I was killing and then after like four minutes it was just the whole comedy boner was gone I didn't know why so not only was it like you know I'm bombing and I can feel that I'm bomb I can feel they turned on me but I don't know what I did because I wasn't even thinking about the shooting right so it was a tie it was 20 minutes of me just playing the hits and then bombing and trickling with the sweat and the asshole hairs tickling my balls and then finally getting them back and then closing strong when it was like I got on stage it felt like I got you know ALS ALS the muscular dystrophy

what do you call the ice bucket oh that challenge yeah the challenge you're sweating I should have thrown the challenge in I see yeah because you're wet yes you're cold I was it was just felt like a lot it was like I just got hit with a bucket of water you won the Super Bowl there you go Gatorade but that wouldn't that would be throwing me off the scent too because you'd be very happy if you won this yeah yeah this is ALS it's like it's like if you thought you won the Super Bowl they doused you with the gasoline or what do you call the ice water am I a Vietnam protester and then then after that they were

like oh no there's three seconds of the clock then you lock because that happens sometimes when the coach gets doused really lose well that's a bad dose I think it's now you're wet and a loser I think it and cold a wet loser sounds like my wife in high school she was horny and couldn't get any I don't know all right as she was not a loser either she was cool I couldn't think of anything I'm all nervous we talked too much serious I'm all I can think about is the tweets tomorrow yeah oh boy we have to burn this whole episode talk about how it's bad and we're all we think racism is done I know but people misconstrued oh they

construe baby I never used the word construe outside of misconstrue I can screwed it well there's no good construe tweet it Sean Donnelly just texted I saw ladybird for the first time loved it that's so funny because I was at serious radio day and swarcy where I was the guest who the lady bird oh Zosia Zosia is at it I think so something like that so it's a there yeah but I think it's Irish like sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry yeah very pretty in person oh yeah she's attractive yeah and a wonderful actor all right hey we got some we got some ads ah one one is the way we got we gotta talk about this because this is this is

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Hemisphere aha yes big fan and if that's not enough you can add Eero plus subscription to the mix with Eero plus you get tons of additional protections like well you can get total network protection you can block malicious or unwanted content across your entire network and there's advanced security it checks the site you visit regularly against known threats so don't accidentally accidentally visit a malicious site yes here here content blocking whatever you got ad blocking it's the best we use it here I love it traditional Wi-Fi is a thing of the past it's too slow all this this waiting

and taking time don't waste your life waiting for something to load get the Eero forget traditional Wi-Fi I love it hits every place in the house you can't lose it it's the strongest it's the fastest never think about Wi-Fi again get $100 off Eero base unit and two beacons package and one year off Eero plus just by going to Eero dot com slash Tuesday and enter Tuesdays at checkout that's Eero dot com slash Tuesdays plural to get $100 off the base unit and two beacons package plus one year Eero plus Eero dot com slash Tuesdays and enter Tuesday to check out not too late to make that a Christmas gift no

get good Wi-Fi today and by the way speaking of if you're in the giving mood here and you can go to my Twitter or someplace our buddy Jason signed do you love signs greatest guy funny guy good egg great guy he fucking fell through a window yeah in a roof yeah and fucking cracked up his whole body yeah he's a mess he's a he's paralyzed from the waist down the head infection he's fighting off an infection and he can't work now he had a job writing job and he's all fucked up so if you'd like to throw a few by even five bucks three bucks ten bucks whatever yeah go pack Joe you're loaded throw a thousand his way yeah

probably saw him before I mean go pack Joe that guy knows every probably knows every joke signs ever told this guy yeah he's a little joke encyclopedia go pack though the best thing to happen a comedy since the rubber chicken well what about the microphone rubber chicken might have been before maybe it's after I don't know who knows but anyways check out the link is on my Twitter it's a chicken of the mic it's a go fund me for our pal jokes Jason signs and he's a great guy and he's just fucked monetary even with the money we've donated you like Jesus Christ yeah I know it's a sad thing and he's one of the good ones you

know so help him out he needs it yeah throw it his way anyways what else we got going on well I don't even we have recorded in a while we spent a lot of time solving the planet there yeah well I was just in Pittsburgh and here's a weird one talk about a rough one this is this is what you see in a Pittsburgh type city so we go to a bar we do Thursday shows a little dice of a show so the host Colin Chamberlain Chamberlain nice guy funny guy goes I know of a show it's at a bar if you want to do it we go yeah what else are we doing we go to the show it's a fun time it's in the back of a bar all the comics are there they're

going oh there's those guys they're doing the improv eating and feel that buzz in the room mm-hmm and so we do a set there and it's whatever and then it's a loud bar everybody's hammered everybody's on top of you and I go this isn't something's off here and then we leave and just the walk from the bar to the car is the most fun part of the whole night like this is the fun we get in the car we're yucking up we're jiving we're jizzing and I go let's go to a diner I love a diner and now it's a fun night and I was like this we were missing we couldn't talk you know it's just a lot of small talk where you from what do you do yeah can't get

anywhere you know I've said this for years since I was in my early 20s when I died the thing I'll miss the most is sex but the second most is diner with comedians you got a few comics at a diner and you just and it feels like almost podcast of almost taken away from that because now it's all like what's record this yeah no no let's just have it let's live baby let's just live it out yeah it's two in the morning you're in a new city you're the only people out on the road you had a show tonight it's a perfect meld of vibe I love a diner I love comedians I want to blow all of them or eat them out whichever whichever

genital they have yeah you know we had three beers in us I got a milkshake on the way so we go to IHOP it's the first closest thing we can find okay go to IHOP oh that was Regan's bit remember I thought you were saying IHOP in a pretty voice I started to but I realized the bit was pancakes he went that was an old bit of his it's the house of them oh fuck so we go in there's no hostess okay we're just kind of waiting there waiting there and now we're waiting for a while I go I'm gonna go pee I'll meet you guys at the table I come

out P they're still waiting huh so now we're like looking around we're just walking around the restaurant there's like five four or five tables of occupado walking around and if this guy comes out of the kitchen apron black t-shirt stains on he's like everybody quit tonight it's just me I'm seating I'm waiting and I'm cooking oh my god like a bad play oh my god alright you get cool he's like yeah he just kind of throws three menus at us we sit out we're like wow that was crazy poor guy you know and yeah that's how it is like people just get up and go I don't want to work tonight fuck it yeah damn and so we sat

there for like 10 minutes and we were like I don't have these guys coming and they ran out with like eight plates hot plates he puts them on the table in front of us these women had their food and I was like I think we got to get out of here this is silly so we just wait and we're like if he doesn't come out again by like 2.05 a.m. we'll leave it's okay 152 so we just fucking left and then where do we go but it was such a weird sight seeing a guy being like I'm doing everything oh the poor guy I know gotta leave him a couple bucks just for his troubles oh well we didn't do that but where do we go after I don't know what

to eat another diner Burger King Bar Louie oh Barley they're open that late they were open till 2 so maybe it was what was like 1 a.m. okay raced over to Bar Louie and we were fucking pigged out I felt horrible the next day I like a Bar Louie they got good apps the good you know what do you call it atmosphere yeah they had this thing in the waiters the waiters there they're like kind of chunky and they call you hun yeah chunky hunts fun chunky hunts is big fun yeah so they brought us all this food and we just stayed there well closing we had the best talk we had a great time and we over rate and it was a really a

really humding and see those those neighborhoods this is in Homestead Pennsylvania which is like the burbs and they have what I call white nip white nip you know catnip oh okay they got white nip which is a Dave and Buster's a Bar Louie a cheesecake factory old street lights Christmas decorations park benches you know it's kind of supposed to look like a real town but it's a complete just white flight thing that's mostly what America is now big outdoor corporation things it's very sad it's sad it's just a bunch of like whitey who's like oh we can go there now it's safe you know and so they go to these dumb

cookie cutter places that have no personality like Bar Louie some personality but it's very created yes it's a man you fact manufactured was the word we're losing for atmosphere yeah white nip let me let me throw one out at you can I suck your dick here for a minute I'll spread my butter suck your dick hard as a rock well this happened yet last yesterday yesterday yeah I can't even get my days are all fucked up I was in Raleigh at good nights in Raleigh North Carolina North Cacalaco fun city a bit of a college town I think North Carolina State yeah I walked all over the campus it was beautiful I like Raleigh

great city and I liked the sky I've been down there before I went on a basketball pilgrimage one time when I was young in my early 20s I went to a game at NC State I saw Boston College play a triple overtime thriller against the Wolfpack of NC State then I went over to Cameron indoor Stadium watched the game there went to UNC I watched all these games it was great that was when I was a young man so I was there this weekend and you know me now you know me pretty well as well as anyone does I would say now I like to get to the airport early I've never been late for a flight I've never missed a flight I get there at two hours they're

like all my ducks in a row as they say yeah you go to the airport like a like a Middle Eastern guy you play it safe okay okay a lot of times they did it quite dangerously well a friend of mine's been at least he's like you don't know what it's like I get there five hours oh I see I see because of the the the bag check yeah yeah oh I thought you were referencing you know 9-11 yeah I was like that quite dangerous the way they do it no no he's quite the opposite I guess there's other Middle Eastern people yeah you think Israel anyway so I get there very early Sarah calls it Joe CD I like to really get it together and get there so I get

up I set the lift you can do a pre-lift like the night before you can go I want to lift tomorrow I like that at 5.54 am I have a 7 a.m. flight it's only about 17 minutes the airport and I got TSA pre-check and it's early but I go I don't give a shit yeah I'm gonna leave at 5 45 and now you know I'm you're probably similar to me I can't go to bed early no I'm up till two especially if you know you got to get up yeah it doesn't matter if I have to get up at 4 or 5 I gotta be up till 2 in the morning that's when I go to bed my body we go to bed at 2 yes if I stay up late the next day I got a headache the whole thing so

anyways I'm up till 2 watching you know the TV and reading my book and thumb in my ass alarm goes off 5 30 and I go live it's not like a gunshot now it's a backfire now I've ever had this happen usually lift I've never had a problem with them I make the appointment they'll pick me up I wake up at 5 30 usually they're there early it shows they're coming right nobody's coming it's saying contacting drivers and I'm like but I made the appointment already yeah that could take hours so I'm getting nervous I'm getting nervous finally it says 19 minutes so it shows 19 minutes away and luckily it's so early and I'm like okay

it's only 5 35 but man I'm gonna be there later than I thought yeah so now I'm watching it 18 minutes away 17 minutes away it gets all the way down to 8 minutes away she cancels oh I go you fucking me it's a now freaking out cuz I've never been late I never missed a fly I gotta get home I thought I was having my party it turned out sorry was six we did the party anyways but I got to get home at 7 in the morning fuck me so then I go out to the front desk I'm like is there a cab while I'm doing this to try to contact a new driver new driver says 15 minutes away so 34 minutes so now 11 minutes past she's

14 minutes away now I'm fucked so that's gonna funny text the Griffin just texted you're not Penske material that's sweet but anyway so now it says 14 minutes away for her and I go is there a cab coming I start trying to call cabs and she's like cabs don't even wake up till 7 in the morning in this town what so now I'm yeah he's like most of them I called two of them they're like we're not available right now wow the lady the desk she calls one cab company and she goes hi it's just a machine she's like I'm looking for a cab from the hotel to the airport and she's like she's like nobody responded so she's like they

could be coming but they might not be coming also yeah I don't know fuck yeah so now I'm doing the math it's the 17 minute car ride this lady's 10 minutes away but now I'm freaking out that she's gonna cancel who says she's not gonna cancel yeah so now this I'm now freaking out because I'm like missing a flight to no fault of your own yes because if you sleep in you go I slept in I'm a fucking idiot I'm a drunk I got my life together but if you're just unpacked and ready and up and ready to be early and no one's fucking coming to get me so I keep watching it it's nine minutes seven minute I'm like okay please don't

cancel finally she picks me up sweetest lady in the world by the way are you showing your your fears a little bit here I'm outside like tapping the thing as soon as she gets there I'm like I throw my bag in I jump in I say step on it then as we're leaving a yellow cab pulls in so that guy's living for sure he's never doing that again and you can tell that he could see the lift thing I could see his face be like what is it and I was like oh I felt bad for him but they left me no inclination that I would they were coming there was no confirm yeah inclination is the wrong word confirmation yeah so we leave and then

it's like one of these things where like every red light just feels like forever you know I can't miss a flight I can't be late I hate this and I got first class I want to be the first one I it's so rare you have first class of course it's less rare than it used to be because I'm a Delta loyal so I get upgrades a lot but I'm like I just want to be on that fucking yes first one in there yeah big D so I get to secure it I got the TSA pre-check I get through all for nothing plenty of time they're not even boarding yet I mean I was there for like five minutes I board great flight other than that but boy that feeling of like flight

it's the first time that lift has ever fucked me like that what that's because it's a it's Raleigh it's Raleigh it's so early yeah but even Grand Rapids they were a smaller city than Raleigh yeah smaller city but it's it's very impotent you have no control you're sitting there you're like I'm ready I know what the fuck's the problem we live in a society I can't get a car it's a horrible feeling and then because you can't you have to just accept because there's nothing else to do I go can I is there a there's no but they don't have a shuttle like we don't have a shuttle it's just me and the front door lady just

being like there's nothing yeah and I'm like I can't just walk it's like a 20 mile ride so I'm like I just have to sit here I might have to just sit here and miss a flight which would have been brutal but now that feeling I made it which was exciting and that Bob Costas was in front of me at the security line that was in New York who's from Queens actually that's fun yeah it was pretty neat love cost and then let me tell you about this one because this was a this is a spicy number I don't know how great it'll be as a story almost out of time we'll dice it up so people in Raleigh evidently they don't there's not a lot

of walkers out there no it's the country it's a country it's a city but it's a country city it's very country it's very ruraly I guess you have students that walk around but I'm walking like a like I have a DUI I'm walking to like Cameron Village and all these places I'm walking all over the place kung fu yeah I'm out there just on foot and it's raining very hard to so I have an umbrella I'm all wet but I can't just I can't be cooped up gotta get out soup is it cooped up yeah cooped chicken coop it's pimped it's pentcoop pimped up pentcooper blue singer pentcooper well any farts I'm out there walking around and there's a

chick-fil-a and I shouldn't go to chick-fil-a I know they hate the gay the whole thing but it's quite quite delicious right scrumptious I'm not phobia is delightful I'm not good at taking stances I really try but then you're like and so what difference is it making I know a couple gays who dabble in a little filet I know I feel bad I I give a lot of money to these charities I'm a very progressive guy but I like a piece of chicken with some buffalo dipping sauce they do a good job and I gotta tell you they're boy they are sweet as pie when you walk in unbelievable they give you a hello a howdy a smile a hug it's a whole

couldn't be kinder a waffle fry that'll like it's just a good fry all the sauce there's no stink guy when you ask for extra sauce there's packets everywhere galore it's a beautiful place they're very sweet and you know I feel like I feel like the gays were winning you know yeah you got the marriage I think so so anyways I go there but maybe maybe someone was mad maybe some karma so I'm at I got the light it's raining pretty hard and it's nighttime yeah so I got the walk light the big white bright guy and I'm walking there's a truck driving up to the red light he's a good distance away so I just don't walk I assume he's

gonna stop because the red light the guy evidently just never looks up not paying attention in his own head he's coming and he's going slow maybe five miles an hour eight miles an hour but he's just cruising to the point where it was almost like home alone with a van almost hit some I had to stop move back and I banged on his window I did like a hey and the guy went like he freaked out because I'm in the middle of the street wait and he's like whoa he went past you or he was in front of you he was like okay so I'm on the crosswalk he's edging across the crosswalk we're like if I had continued walking the same pace he

would have run me over I stopped and then like as I stopped he kept moving through the crosswalk enough that I could bang on his passenger I mean not his passenger his side window holy and they saw me and he like it was the most scared I've ever seen a person yeah because he's not paying attention he's gonna make a right across through the lane oh my lord and I'm in the street so he I fucking hit the window and he's like whoa and I was like fucking how do you think I feel yeah it was insane and this is what's weird about it so he's like doing like an I'm sorry in shock like holy shit what just had like because we've all been

in that thing with your days and then you get snap out of it you're like whoa well how long have I been reading or writing or running whatever the fuck thing or drunk yeah so then it's weird because I'm pissed at this guy cuz he could have killed me but now it's over he stopped and I can just walk around so you like you can't just be like you piece of shit and he's a fucking guy in a truck and who knows what the fuck lead pipe in there so then I just had to like walk around the front of his truck and like we just would like I kept looking over at him he was like shocked like mouth the gate and I was like yeah

I don't know what to do my heart was pounding and wow is this close to life and death I could he would have just run me right over the that's why you're a good egg though is some worse guy would have milked the shit out of that for all it's with hey buddy yeah most kill me yeah I know but I didn't I know but he almost did and he just want that fucking sympathy they want to make it feel stupid well I also do I try to have compassion simply for all beings and I go the guy he's just a mad at him he's like you got to pay attention but who amongst us hasn't drifted when they should have been drafting yeah or

whatever would be a good saying drift and draft we've all Tokyo drift to burn the draft card but everybody pay attention out there in these cars but it was quite a wild scene but I came real close to fucking dying yeah or at least being hurt because he wasn't driving fast but he would have just been like it was a truck yeah so it's not one of us you can like fall under the hood and be like whoa it would have just been like a was there a little satisfaction in the window slap so satisfied yeah because he like it does feel good to like kind of shame a guy who should be ashamed of his behavior he earned a shaming yeah he did

truck shame and then that's what you get for going to Chick-fil-A I guess a little karma Kramer but then I went to the YMCA he's right next to the hotel there and I said hey can I I got a couple of quick quick went to that one quick high spirited good spirit Christmas time things here we go one was I went to the YMCA and I said I want to guest pass and she said well do you want a two for one if we give you a tour we can give you two days as a try and I was like I'd rather pay 10 bucks than get a tour with somebody tours bitch I just take my 10 I'll give you 30 bucks to not have to talk to anybody hate a tour and I don't need a tour I can figure it out

you walk upstairs there's the track there's the pool yeah what am I blind so I said I don't need a tour thank you anyways so that we did all this time I got to fill out all the information and that you guys okay you're all set and I think she was purposely being like okay get out of here and I was like wait wait the 10 bucks and she goes oh right right oh you know what we have a long line just go just like she kind of gave it to me I like it which was not because I think she could tell I was a good guy I gave her the license and then she was like we don't give a fuck just go it's the Y so I got a free Y door track steam room huge steam room yeah a lot of just egregious nudity in there oh yeah old man dick then I went to a Starbucks right here in the

good NYFC and I was at the Starbucks and I said I got a T I couldn't get my app open it just wouldn't it was downloading downloading I was like ah fuck me I was like I don't want to give you cash because I have so much money on my app from all these gift cards thank you Tuesdays thank you and the guy goes ah you're good you're good no no I'm like hold on just give me a second he goes dude you're good get out of here look at that free tea so I appreciate that I had a similar thing at Chipotle gay on the on the 6th Avenue the guy I couldn't find my car I was like shoving like get out of you got it oh wow that was was the best moment thank you Chipotle it's about time that was your guy african-american I believe he was a latino oh all right well mine was an

african-americano and I really appreciate it yours was a latino so hey whiteies step it up giving up some for like a free why thing but that's that's nothing that's not even a product yeah that's yeah no one cares with the gym you're like what difference is it you're not even losing stuff I just I'm just here no one will even notice that I'm here but they gotta keep the lights on I guess they can't they would wouldn't help their business if they're giving everyone a free well you can't give everyone but it's a day pass I'm not going there every day I'm like I'm here for one day you're like just that should be the policy by the way you're here for one day take their information case they steal ship and just go ahead it's funny because I went to

crunch in Pittsburgh and I got a free day was the captain there I wish it was a berry that was a stretch berry uh all right we got should we start plugging hold on let me just say one more thing because I hate myself uh I got a lot of plugs and stuff too I just want to say this uh oh I got a thing too I'm in I'll be quick all right Pittsburgh we're having a great time me and Chris Allen are like seeing the city we go to south side it's gritty and we saw almost saw a fist fight on the sidewalk and oh it's fun and uh a lot of car heart there a lot of work boots and shit you know and uh it's a lot of stragglers we got to this Asian joint to have lunch I get the May fun he gets the the the chicken and veggies and you know I'm

I'm the headliner I try to pay for all the meals and all that and this kind of squirrely looking guy comes in talking about Christmas spirit and he's sitting there alone and he's being weird with the waitress wait like what you tell he's lonely and he's a kind of hobo-y looking guy he just looked a little off uh-huh and I could hear him talking to the waitress he goes do you like Power Rangers do you like Power Rangers so you're like oh this guy's a little askew yes and he's in our word yes exactly special needs and uh so she's coming over and being nice to us and I go I'll just take the bill and I give her my card and then Chris Allen here's a nice plug for this kid he goes uh I'll take care of that guys it's Christmas oh wow took care of the build the waitress

weeping really tears tears down her face she's a willow yes weeping not a great movie so then uh we he pays for the bill we just leave and then we had that weird moment where we're like ah we're like at like three doors down like we should have peed so we went we need to go back we need to go back in the restaurant so it looked like we were going hey how about that thank you right right but the guy didn't even get the bill yet so uh so we went and peed and then we leave there and we get an Uber back to the hotel it's like a 20 minute Uber and we start talking to the driver and he goes what are you guys in for and you're like oh shit here we go he goes uh we're trying to think of something clever to say besides comedy so he goes are you

here for the game and we go what game he goes the hockey game tonight everybody's going we go oh it's a hockey game what time's the hot game it's seven o'clock it's five thirty Pittsburgh on Friday night has one show at nine forty five that's a dream come true man I say dream gig one show one show at nine four so you have the whole day and basically a lot of night yeah so you're basically not going to work till 10 p.m so we go let's go to the fucking hockey game calling up we go you want to drive so I go home I take a shower he picks me up we meet Chris there Chris never no live game wow we had the best time we're standing only 25 dollar tickets up at the rafters we get a couple bruski's what a show wow but you must not

have been able to stay for the end of the game now we missed a good chunk ah geez but you got to see said the kid cross me yeah they they they took down the mighty Bruins there oh well the Bruins aren't so mighty this year what do you do it's a bear oh is it yeah some kind of bad and logos a bear I don't know what a Bruin is but UCLA Bruins and the Boston Bruins all right I don't know all in if you know what a Bruin is something's brewing yeah in my ass let me just say this one real quick and then we really got to go because I got a whole thing I got to do but so I'm on the airplane with Sarah going to Portland I'll have to get into Portland next week but I'm on the airplane Sarah's in the middle seat she's snoozing I'm on the aisle

there's a kid in front of me a young buck he's got his head turned you know sometimes people look behind you but it looks like they're staring at you so it's like all right this guy must just be staring not at me I guess he's staring at something behind me then he taps my knee and he goes hey could you wake that guy up I go what it's like the guy behind you in the middle seat behind you he's like could you wake him up I gotta tell him something what and I turned I was like me I look and there's like a kid sleeping and I felt so good this is all Allen right here not Chris Allen Allen the therapist I turn around I go I'm sorry I'm not comfortable doing that good for you and then I felt so good I felt like I was like yes I'm a hero yeah I was like I am not comfortable and

the guy's like what and I was like I just I'm sorry I can't do it and the kid was like he kind of like shrug like I was an idiot he like did like an eye roll and he like took his belt up because it wasn't see we were still like taking off so he had to go do it and then he came back and he like looked at me again I was like I'm just not comfortable touching somebody I don't know yeah and he's like oh he's like that's cool it's cool but I felt really good that is good for being like no no I'm not it's so crazy you're like you're asking me to reach between seats and tap a guy I don't I'm not touching a person because he wanted to talk to him yeah he wanted to get his attention I see it felt very good to say I'm not comfortable doing that wow good for you yeah I'm like that's

battery I can't be touching people you don't want to get involved now I don't want to get involved I don't work for you and see your lanky shank coming towards his mug and my teeth my god the teeth uh let me start it but yeah it's funny you say that because I had a guy pretty much go they don't allow guest sets at the club right like this comic just boldly asked me like what what's the deal with the guest sets there and I was like uh uh uh uh they don't allow it so I did the opposite of Alan where I just completely lied you fibbed a little I fibbed just to get out of it but I could have been like I don't want one yeah yeah I would like you not do one I couldn't say that I got you well we gotta plug I gotta I gotta go here I got a whole thing

going on but hey folks this is the big well this was Saturday I mean Lorraine Ohio come on out to that if you could Keesh Lorraine yep Lorraine Bob Lorraine Baines McFly uh I'll be in Lorraine Ohio this Saturday with Brett Ernst and Jason Lawhead but next week don't sleep on it don't hesitate buy your tickets Philadelphia Helium December 27 28 29 I know we have so many gays in the area big Tuesday city and one of the great clubs in America yeah one of the great cities I love that city and I refuse to acknowledge Phoenix passing it population what fuck fiend I mean I like Phoenix too but fuck you Philadelphia is number five still in my heart but anyways big five come on out uh Philly December 27 28 and 29 and now January right around the corner I got a big

week I'm going to do Captain Brian's I heard is a hell yeah oh that's one of the worst Naples flight with the Apollo years ago good luck Naples Florida in January then I'm doing comedy on state in Madison Zanies in Chicago Jesus big January I'm gonna be busy all Sarah's on all the gigs so come on out if you're in southern Florida make the trip down to Naples to go to Captain Brian's that's lunch you gotta talk to Sam he just did he was sending me clips of him oh dude I mean we're dealing with texting me all week we talked on the phone I'm terrified I'm bringing sad I gotta subject Sarah to this oh god but Zanies Chicago Madison those are all big Tuesdays cities and so please come on out and Madison you know I love you get those tickets Philadelphia

for God's sakes come in my ass great great string of jizz you got there uh I'm gonna be in last Boston for New Year's that whole weekend that's gonna be great come on out to that I love that town love that club then San Francisco punchline one of my all-time faves a lot of a lot of great memories there so say hello St. Louis funny bone after that then I'm doing Key West and a little I'm doing a quick run in Miami so keep a lookout keep your head on a swivel Mohegan's son Hilarity's in Cleveland then I'm down in Good Nights in Raleigh then I'm at Syracuse then Helium and Philly and Royal Oak Michigan that were in Vegas at the Comedy Cellar with Ari and a couple other Jews laughing skull in Atlanta and a lot of fun stuff also the live app January

29th Village Underground tickets are up on the Comedy Cellar website and uh yeah appreciate all the Uber cards you guys oh Uber Chipotle I've been using them on Amazon I mean the people starbucks you name it yeah it's just been unbelievable thank you thank you and fuck you yeah that was just from George Carroll ah that was the beginning of the special thank you thank you and fuck you Gwansa Melinda you yeah I appreciate the gifts the priest guy thank you and all the all the nice things you say in the comments and there the unbelievable people have been riding car like heartfelt like almost like wedding toasts handwritten it's unbelievable we appreciate it so grateful God love you we're coming to a town near you yell at your boat lay we'll see in hell

fuck you dad praise Allah sorry