Tuesdays with Stories! - #279 Moist Hoist

Episode Date: January 8, 2019

We're back with better than ever audio as Mark & Joe recap their highs and lows on New Years eve and how much they hate the Golden Globes. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon to hear the new live ep with Bert Kreischer and Nick Vatterott! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy holly jeez oh it didn't do the back up look at the back up why you really killed my intro boner man that was uh

well I don't want to have another fuck up we fucking we got we really blew it we we we recorded a hot app hot app it was a lunch lunch yep and then we send it off to shellbow and he said well we only got Joe list Mike I know well which we tried to explain last week but we had to record over the phone to try to make it happen we want to I want to start with a big apology big Apollo for the the sound I guess the sound was bad we tried to we're gonna go in and have Shelby do it but we didn't he couldn't do it till later we had to do it earlier you know they say never apologized it's like the new thing like ever getting trouble just don't

apologize just own it yeah I think that's silly first of all we didn't get in trouble no I'm not saying I'm just saying and if you get in trouble in show biz yeah we've talked about that I don't know we didn't get in trouble we just fucked up yeah apologize if you want to apologize and don't apologize if you don't want to apologize well if you feel like you did something wrong apologize yeah I suppose so but I guess if you don't if you told a joke don't yeah there's nothing wrong with a good joke but if you hurt someone's I don't know what the fuck but anyways we got a backup recording hopefully we got this

thing working we got the things plugged in we checked the levels I see that the is it the regulation bar what do you call that the EQ well here's the thing about checking the levels I don't know what a level looks like it's like smell in the milk I don't know what the fucking look for here milk I know you know milk we don't know levels smell a sour mill yeah but I think if it's like super sour but sometimes it's in between yeah they want to sour soup I never know meat either I we ate meat early we had the big male dinner thing and by the way poor showing this year well men are struggling every year we have this big

men's lunch and it's all these cops there was about you know a half the amount is like maybe not half but 20% less than a couple of trends I think well by the way first of all usually we recognize everybody yeah people you don't like or whatever but like or don't love this year there was like nine guys and I'm like I don't know who any of those people are there was a whole row of people and I feel like they might be moles or spies or gays you got to lance those moles you don't want them around well there was one guy his name was Lance there was one guy there Lance Berkowitz and who's that is that somebody Muslim fella a Lance

Berkman Burke think is a photographer no that's Lance Mercer oh boy then there's a Lance Berkman too I think it was a knight or a baseball player a knight oh Lance a lot is what I'm thinking about the night yeah he was a night he was a big night day and night dark night what was that movie with Martin Lawrence Monty Python the Holy Grail oh his first night oh was that a was that a Martin Lawrence joint I thought it was he's in some movie where he goes back to the past and it's like black guy in the middle of it all right right premise where he's like like spinning he's like takes two plates and he's like DJing them it's like oh so

embarrassing I'm against all other than back to the future that's the one they go back to the future yeah I've heard of it I don't like all this out of time back in time I'm in the 70 and now there's a new thing with Amy did one there's a whole bump in the head genre the head bump I hear you that the fat Australian there now she gets bumped now she's in a she's in a romantic comedy now she hates rom-coms right so she bumps her noggin and then wakes up and she's in a rom-com oh weird but I'm like this is I feel pretty it's the same like I mean like I get it's not the same because it's a different but it's like they're

both like blonde women who bump their heads and now the world has changed they have to deal with it it's those kind of movies where you have to just you got to go all right I'm accepting this premise premise or else the whole movie's fucked like a liar yeah kid makes a wish or a freaky Friday or yeah that's yeah I mean that I like but yeah shallow house also very similar but that's fine I don't mind accepting a premise it just feels like so similar yes yes samey but a lot of these things it's just like alright we got this I like I just a straight old drama I love a drum you know what I mean hey we we

found money and they after us and now we all got to shoot each other before we're all caught but here here yeah I'm with you let me talk about that speaking of movies let me just get this out I don't want to rant and I don't want to be an asshole and I want to be some douche or whatever but I was last time I watched the football game Bears and Philly Philly Eagles yeah quite a quite a ball game and they just happened to lead right into the Golden Globe so let me watch the opening monologue see what this is all about and I say whatever you want things about sports though and that's great I'm not a you know I don't follow sports or

anything but I'm running around New York doing sets and I love I can always tell a good game because I'm running past bars I hear like oh come on brooder you dropped it again you cunt brooder I love it who's Bruno I'm making up names you know oh Quincy yes yes you stubbed your toe again you piece of shit we got a we got to fire him trade them yes it's fun it's a lot of fun sports are fun they really you there's not I've talked about this before in the pod I think and off the pod there's not a lot of opportunities in life to be like unbelievable exactly what do you get one childbirth maybe the second one you're bored and maybe an

orgasm but even the childbirth you're expecting a child if it came out Asian with three legs you might be like we're gonna have a famous comic right but anyways so I'm watching the Golden Globes and they come out first of all it's Andy Samberg who's whatever and Sandra Oh who's not even a comedian oh she's an actor where she from sideways sideways so she's famous we're getting plowed anally on a bed and all that was her big scene no she's not plowed anally what are you talking about it was anal who said anal she's not plowed she's not even in this not even a sex scene what he's banging her remember he walks in on it

what oh and him and Thomas Hayden church oh yeah but that's not an anal well he goes oh you walked in with my dick in her ass he says that line I thought that was later with the fat chick that was the fat chick that he's has no the fat the tons of fun that was that was a that was a different scene I thought that was the scene with the dick in her ass I don't think they show the fat chick that would be obscene no no they do they show the fat chick getting fucked by her husband yes that they show yeah but I don't think they show the part where he says my dicks in her ass I figured I just assumed it didn't look like it was anal

but he says you walk in my dicks in her ass no no no that's when the husband comes home he's telling the story he's like the husband came home I got my dick in her ass oh it's supposed to be like Roman he's not fucking in the ass they have like a romantic weekend together maybe I've seen too much porn I put the Asian with the anal yeah I don't I don't think so I don't think you fucked with me but either way she's great in the movie but she looks younger now it's very strange they got the Botox and the plastic surge and the big lips whatever they doing down there great movie but sideways one of my favorite movies of

all time a pain but anyway so I'm watching the monologue and they they do a fake roast they're making fun of the idea of jokes which is where we're at now this is what comedy has become to yeah they're like oh Spike Lee directed do the right thing you do do the right thing you're terrific Bradley Cooper you're hot I hate this fake roasting hate it it's so insincere and it takes no skill anybody can do it that's the thing comedy is hard good jokes are hard to write and now everybody wants to be included we gotta include everybody so if we're gonna include you you're not gonna have good

jokes it's a then Sandra oh is trying to be fun I'm like this is all silly then she cries over the diversity which is great diversity is great terrific wonderful but the crying in the opening monologue I'm like this is phony it's scripted yes you're performing you knew you're gonna do this I'm like are you really moved to take first you're an actor so I know you have the ability to act and fake cry sure it's just like are you that moved because it's not like you came out and you didn't expect it yeah like you've known who the nominees were you knew where everyone was sitting you rehearsed the monologue so you're just

coming out and going look at this this Asians here wouldn't it be more meaningful and I might be wrong a straight white piece of shit where the whole thing but isn't it I talked to my wife about this and I feel like she agreed wouldn't it be more meaningful and valuable if you did less addressing you just went yeah here are the nominees and we're all here would it makes it seem like you're like you're you are less than by being like look at I know there is black people in Asians you're doing it I have a retarded cousin and every time he takes a solid BM everybody goes oh Trevor look at you

you retard you took a BM and but when I take a BM they don't do it cuz I'm not retarded it just feels strange I'm like what are we doing here yeah I'm on pro diversity diverse it up and what but it just feels so weird when you're like guys I can't stop crying yeah it's diversity you're like all right all right but just fucking it would be more meaningful to me I talked about this years ago when like and I could be completely wrong we should have some people in to talk about it but like Tony Dungy won the Super Bowl like the first black he's black I'm like yeah he's a football coach yeah it makes it seem like

you're racist of course I mean I think that is a factor I'm not saying these people are racist but I think there is because they don't hang out with any minorities these folks I know she's Asian but like most of these people they gotta cook they got a chef they got a guy parked in their car they're not hanging out with anybody so they see one they go ah and then they'll have to one up each other on how great they are so by her standing up there and crying that puts her up on the I'm a I'm a good egg pedestal yeah way up there now because of what she did like the crowd look at this means the world to me oh shut up

you're going back into your beamer you're gonna get eaten out by a like you know trans kid go back to your mansion I just don't believe that she's genuinely crying while doing the monologue I mean you got to be nervous as a million people watching it's just like you're having this much of an emotional moment and then everyone does Peter Farley who I've met and done karaoke with as you remember he's given a speech he's like we can do the world like this should be one change the world speech per award show every single person goes up there and is like we gotta make the thing blah blah blah I'm saying they all have to show

though they all have to show I mean I'm with you I mean on it they get crucified if they don't yeah it's a whole thing it's a club you lose your job you get kicked out if you don't do it that's why they all go nuts on Twitter cuz I gotta go hey look I'm a good guy yeah I'm complaining to but I don't want to get too ranting as people get upset if we rant they want the stories they want the jokes I apologize it just felt very silly I just hate the idea that we're making fun of the idea of doing jokes like they're like basically isn't it stupid when we come out here and do jokes you're like no that's the shit that's

what's fun right that's the comedian is supposed to be this weird outcast that comes out and shits on the Hollywood royalty the Ricky Gervais yes or whoever a while I mean for years Ellen DeGeneres Steve Martin who people go about the Bo Berg Bo Burr whoopie Bo Burnham yeah tall whoopie Bo Burnham that'd be something whoopie Bo Burnham but anyways it's all not so I don't want to get too ranty and silly and do one of these shows but we gotta get into some comedy I have first of all I haven't seen you since 1987 yeah it's been years I've been all over the creation I've been to Vermont and I had such a

good Vermont story but it got lost on that come guzzling episode that everybody hated well I think people could hear it I just it wasn't great so we apologize for the sound we really are doing our best and a lot of people wrote and write the sound sucks but I try which I appreciate yeah a couple people were like hey what the fuck is it and I'm like hey listen we try I wonder maybe I'll listen cuz I wonder how bad it could have been cuz I knew it was bad cuz you always get trolls that's what the problem with you trolls is if you're all trolling about everything then I don't know what's actually bad right you know so I saw

this guy in San Francisco where I just was big tall motherfucker and he saw you in Sacramento oh and he's like I never heard of Joe I never heard of you no offense never heard of the pod but once he saw you he said I'm gonna check out the pod now he's obsessed oh wow nice we a lot of new fans coming we appreciate the new blood and people going back and listening to the old ones nice thanks Tony oh yeah one guy emailed and said they can't get the first 20 episodes I gotta tell you what that's about oh good because we want them all available and and spread them around tell some people say hey this this some guys telling jokes

and they're crazy and whatever irreverent so yeah let people know spread the spread spread your butter spread the cheese spread your pussy lips spread your ass all labia and Majora by the way last night I met this seller wills wills hosting will still Vince who we love past guest one of our favorite guys he was talking about having sex doggie style and he's like you know when you fuck your dogs every time you you go in her butthole opens up a little bit wow I was like no you got a giant dick yeah am I doing it wrong I fucked a lot of dogs doggie style and humans doggie style and dogs human style but sure I

don't have any butthole opening up like your dick is displacing her inners wow like he was like hey you know the butt spreads open I'm like sure and we've seen his cock it's the size of a baby leg it's insane it's a big baby a big black baby with a foot yeah I've I've had sex with a girl where I put it in and her mouth opened up because she went ow or ooh or I wasn't ready but I'm here at the butthole open no and he was like every time you thrust in like he did it as a bit and it was weird because I went on after and I was like what are you talking about I mean he was telling a story well whatever it was that's quite a set you

got there will and then I went up and said I was like what and so that was this weird thing it was like I kind of a nerd so I gotta like establish myself then ease into the sex stuff because they don't buy it they think I've never been laid right teeth are weird does that bother you of course it's disappointing yeah I don't I feel like I'm a different guy than my face and body represents completely you are completely not that guy I'm gonna sports alpha guy I'm kind of a moron you know but I have this nerdy thing hold court you can do all this stuff you're an ex-alcoholic you get laid you got jizz in your eye come

off as this you know do we bow I'm a quite an athlete too I could throw a baseball pretty hard I kind of excelled athletically you're running with it just because it's working I guess I'm not running with it I'm just being myself they just perceive me that way I mean I am an anxious guy yeah that's true it's not like I'm up there being like I love math and comic books I'm I hate I did the opposite yeah I hate comic books that I think people think I'm like a wrestling guy they think I'm like a Dungeons & Dragons guy really chess guy yeah that's what we're talking about I'm saying like you know nervous you know

that whole act I'm a nervous guy sure I have a horrible anxiety but not on stage particularly no I feel pretty pretty good about that I'm nervous talking about the Golden Globes on a podcast I mean I'm nervous about fucking everything now yeah who knows it's a crazy time it's scary these people that they feel like it's that same feeling and I don't want to keep getting back into it but I feel when I was a kid it was all these scary bully guys at my high school and I'd walk by them and I tiptoe or when they came in the room I shut up but I didn't say anything and that's how I feel with these guys oh yeah yeah yeah yes they

career bullies or comedy bullies it's a real situation but anyways I've fucked I fucked I fucked in the button it doesn't move the butt oh that's a bad side I mean but anyway these porn's where are the these gapings oh yeah well Christie sent me one of those videos I'm gonna send it to you to where it's like a guy's on a motorbike and he's hitting the map the he's looking to catch a beer in midair have you seen this no I'll send it to you it's a video where it's like a guy far away on a dirt bike and he hits the big slope and then he goes to reach yes the ramp and a guy's holding out a beer and so like he's always hit

the ramp and catch the beer right before he grabs the beer it turns into two guys getting fisted what the ass how does that work so it's one of those things we like whoa like a cut you've seen that kind of video haven't you yeah he just ruined the ending oh well spoiler alert will set me one before too or it's like it you look like you're watching one thing you're like oh let's see if they can balance three bowls of spaghetti on their nipples and then all of a sudden it's you know someone getting kicked in the dick oh I just can't imagine seeing a guy on a scooter and then how would that could turn into fisting well it

doesn't happen there they cut it's a cut it's an edit in a different video it's not like they fist him on the dirt I see I thought it was like one of those old lady hot girl pictures where you're like oh now it's a hot girl wait I can see the old lady oh I see those optical illusion no no this is no optical illusion it's just a jump cut to a fisting got it a fist cut but I gotta tell you I'm not into a fist anyways I've seen someone get fisted and it's not my not my cup of tea no no a man or woman no well I don't know what more than two fingers seems weird I'll see your fingers get squished together because your fingers are in like

a line sure so they're like finger with multiple fingers you gotta really cram those fingers together that's I have cuticles it's a whole situation well I tell you one time I was when I was in I think it was in college I was fingering a gal and eating her out at the same time you know that weird position you're in yeah yeah of course and I had two fingers in her and it was going pretty well and I just slipped a third one in just see what happened and she came immediately whoa that just told me like oh wow a big dong really changes everything yeah but three fingers isn't the size of a big dog that's pretty wide

oh the width the width is what got her oh really that's what I'm saying the walls the walls you gotta they're gonna build it wow but yes let's so I remember being like kind of disappointed like I was glad I got her off but I was like oh shit I got no girth I always wish I had a third hand cuz you gotta work the clit and then the hole but then that but hole is fun so sometimes you try to finger with this one get the a little bit of pinky play down here plus the clip but all of a sudden my hands are carpal tunneling and my ears are ringing that's where you bring the nose in the nose hits the clip like a little eskimo kiss I

don't know that kind of control for my nose I could do a b-witch I can flare my nostrils I don't know that that's enough they'll just get a whiff I like a whiff I don't mind a whiff we can all get a sniff whiffle ball sniffed her city sniffers if you drink a yes what's that one called curvasi a oh yeah that's big with the afro oh yes a brandy you're a fine girl I think I started a thing and it went off into the will thing right before that I was gonna say something about something oh I haven't seen you oh yeah recorded then we fucked up the recording then we recorded over the phone I'm like I haven't seen you

this is before Christmas I think no way before wow that's wild but we can't talk about those because we talked about it on the other episode I know it's so much good can we throw this blanket away keep slipping sliding I want to throw it over the edge but this is this pipe is hot and I think it'll melt the fake fur of this blanket it's piping hot there it is by the way why don't you take your AC out because it makes it easier to break in and it's 58 degrees in here you got a breeze blowing it well I'll tell you one thing you take this AC out it'll be 900 degrees in here this apartment is a hot box yeah but at least I can get

naked and you know throw water my hair oh so you're okay see I'd rather get warm than get cool no you said it reverse wait a minute you just said the opposite of what you're saying no no I'd rather if it's a cold room I'd rather be able to get warm oh okay well you got to share some of these blankets I was just trying to get it off your asshole all right well I'm gonna wrap it up like the revenant cuz it's a great blanket it's 66 in the house right now yeah this is something we got a bear to bang you here look at this blanket it's cute nice yeah it's a fake fur um faux fur is that what they call it a show for a hawk

who is a fake bird in their house I guess you get the fake owl when the pigeons come by yeah what's his toes uh was the guy from not Clark Griswold who's the guy from psycho Anthony Perkins yeah but who's the what's the character oh with the mom the dead mom Bates Norman Norman Bates Mark Norman Bates yeah we had quite a steak there someone's texting us from the steak dinner thing I hate these group texts everybody's gonna chime in then you one up but then you go gay fuck your mother all right well let me get to some stories here huh yeah please cuz I don't have much I had a wild run of shows I packed so much in my away bag that I

could you know when you packed your bag so tight you don't want to open it because once you open it's gonna take an hour and a half to close it I gotta tell you I hate pack and I hate unpack I'd like to be rich one of these people that buys clothes and then donates them and buys new clothes be great cuz I can never fully unpack I go laundry I'm like there's no point of taking my clothes out putting them in the drawer I leave every three days same so I just can't I can't do it and Sarah's like why you got your bag out here I'm like I know but we're leaving in two days right then you unpack and here's the thing about

dressing that I have all these Ted Baker I got $9,000 with the Ted Bakers but as soon as you fold them and put them in the thing they're fucked and they're wrinkled they're all wrinkled and I'm like I don't want to iron because what am I a fuck I'm gonna iron you go shower steam yeah that works a little works a little that's why I wet them you gotta wet them I wet I do the shower steam but then you feel like an old homeless broad fucking Brooklyn in 1921 yeah like tenement with the hanger showering my shirt off I look like a douche I'd rather just wear a hoodie yeah well that's the beauty of comedy you

nobody goes what are you doing yeah exactly it's not bad all right let me get into some fucking business I like to throw on a button down just because I feel like it gives me a little just a touch more of like already tried yeah it's I do like a button down I feel good I like to wear the bakers but they're wrinkly then you're a guy with a wrinkle shirt and that defeats the purpose of looking nice that's even worse now you're a wrinkled asshole who tried to look nice but doesn't know how yeah but then in a way there's a weird kind of romantic comedy thing to that like he's living out of a suitcase he's a piece of

shit he's a dummy but he's funny yeah maybe they bumped their hair we all fucking New Year's we haven't talked about New Year's oh yeah I mean this is we're all over the map here that's wild well I had let me just tell you this I'll preface preface I had the best New Year's of my whole life number one New Year's and this is a sign that I'm getting old because I'm like I'm realizing now I'm like I don't have a story yeah I just had a sweet nice night kind of a story that's not a bad thing how's that old I just feel like oh I see like a wild New Year's like before you're like I had the best New Year's of my

life I fuck nine girls two guys and one dog it was fucking crazy I did heroin and stuck ecstasy in my ass human style I know I did have a great New Year's when I was a kid I was like 20 and I did a show for a net Pollock who this crazy old bag and Boston Kevin Pollock's wife no oh one of them wishes I want to move who it's funny to say I think he wishes wishes I think about 5 3 I was that right oh he's a little Jew well this lady this lady I shouldn't show her she was really sweet and booked me a lot and she was a funny funny strange strange lady but like a local comic that booked a bunch of wacky shows sure it

really helped me out she booked me quite a bit so I gotta be grateful to that but she had a show it was a New Year's and I was like 20 years old so I had about 18 minutes of material and most of it stunk one of them was like here's a hot tip everybody I hate these hot tip jokes oh yeah I had them though is like here's a hot tip before you take a shit put down a little toilet paper that way won't splash back up into your asshole it wraps up like a little present I call it the shit rapper which is also what I call M&M Wow that's tough a shit rapper a long way to go for a pun well it's a pun but it also was a fun tip and it was

about splashing water in your ass work what the water's tip the yeah you put toilet paper down it catches it it wraps up it's pretty neat I'll try it yeah you gotta try it so if nothing else you got a nice hot tip tip I got a hot dry tip yeah it's just like shooting so that was like one of my jokes and I went to cheers nobody do my name I had the worst apartment warming gift ever an air conditioner I mean that's funny yeah some of my big bit at the time this is my big joke when I was like I got him now laying on me fatty it was about driving to work I worked at Filene's closet I do basement regular all right wow the

ground floor I go hey I do comedy support my Filene's career that was one of my big bits yeah I'm a fluffer folder that was a thing that's funny and then I go I was going to Filene's you ever drive to work and that song I don't want to work I want to bang on a drum all day that song comes on the radio that's always a weird moment I'm like going to pull into work that song comes up I turn it off I drive by I'm like fuck you I'm banging on a drum all day but then the song ends and then I would do like an act out where I would turn the car around that was like my big bit it was it I would open with it in clothes with it it was huge

well now I gotta say my big bit all right do you big right I got little bits so one was this was my this is my big peach when I wrote this I ran around my house I remember dancing because I was so proud of now this is weird because I knew you when you had the new bits well this is New Orleans okay okay you didn't know this is old all right I got rid of these too sweet when I got off the fucking playing at JFK so I bombed for a good two years in this goddamn town but so my old one was I'm pretty bad in bed yeah when I mean my first girlfriend decided to lose over Jenny to each other I bled that's not bad it did pretty well did you

explain why you were bleeding or that was just kind of a mystery no no no I couldn't get into it I had to get out of there as soon as I told it because I feel like now if I heard a young comic I'd be like here's a Ted why did you bleed I was so bad I stapled my asshole together because I thought it would be funny that's not bad yeah I didn't have that chop yet that's a good chop that's not a bad job so then I go yeah yeah my girlfriend says I'm not romantic she's like I want you to sweep everything off the desk and throw me on I'm like what are you kidding I got a MacBook Pro up there that was a big punch

I know I know wow and then I it's the root that my big one was this big sign feildian bit about how people always why does everybody at the DMV DMV so ugly like you've never seen one good-looking person a DMV they're all hideous they're all so ugly and I just do all these descriptions of the people get some chuckles here and there and I go that's why everybody's always grossed out by their driver's license photo they go oh look how bad I look I go no you were at the DMV that's what you look like killed I don't quite get it I don't get it either I never did but it worked this blanket's too much I'm sweating my

balls off over here faux fur um Bill Burdham Bill Burd uh Bill fur um I think I told you this one before I did that blatant Carlin ripoff you know he did the hair he goes you know my hair down to there and they stated despair I say not fair I did that but I did it was fuck this is my big joke I went fuck is a word often heard often slurred I did I did that bit it was just carlin word for word but I just plugged in fuck instead of hair and that was the whole thing I had a big one too this was a New York bit sadly I said I saw a guy with a tattoo on his forearm it with a big crucifix I said God cannot

judge me only God can judge me and I went that's not true big pause that's not true that would really clean up that's not bad yeah I had to have I'm trying to think of others but anyways I had to do this New Year's Eve gig for a net Pollock yeah and so that was my material and so I was driving there and we do the show it's like a bar and there was like 25 people there they're all like wearing suits because you tell it was their big night out they wanted to look nice but it was like a bar that didn't constitute a suit like it was like a shitty bar but they're like that's New Year's you dress up so I did the show and I kind of

bombed for like 25 minutes and I'm like whoo that was brutal I'm dying out there and then I'm like all right so the second show I when do they leave what's goes on here she's like no one's leaving and she's like no no the second show is for them we did two shows for the same audience and I was like well I did all my material and ate it I don't have anything else so she's like well just give me what you can so I went up like a second time after eating it for them for like 25 minutes I had to go back up and do like 12 more of like crowd work even though they hated me already wow what do you do and the guy's like you suck why

are you here yeah doing crowd work when they already hate you brutal and they already don't think you're good yes and I did a few street jokes and got the hell out of there I was doing lines from like you know the naked gun it was just horrible he just used to acting out police Academy I'm like tackle Barry surely it can't be serious I did push-ups at one point it was horrible yeah it's so bad wow that'll pull something out of you though when you're in a moment like that it's amazing you go that fight or flight you do push-ups you do it back flips whatever you got well it's definitely a moment where I was like I suck at comedy

and I should I think I got like you know a hundred bucks or something that's a pretty penny well two shows do you see I mean that's about 900 short but then what was amazing was I had a party going on at my parents house because my parents would go away to let us have a big party where they're going they would go out to eat and get a hotel and fuck or whatever I don't know people yeah so we would have a party so I had everyone already showing up like I trusted friend let people in yeah so I was leaving the the double show for the same crowd heading to my own party at my parents house uh-huh you make me nervous hold on I'm

just checking my levels you don't talk check check okay okay we're good and I got a backup and we got a backup drug freeze put the crack up yeah but anyway so then I'm driving and I shit my pants wow 87 Buick century I was so nervous all the anxiety hit me plus I ate a spaghetti pie dinner or some bullshit couple couch captain and coax sure and I just I fucking fire I sharded whoa my pants pulled over behind an old schoolhouse this is like boy there's probably like weird DNA there now got for like a rape 20 years later oh yeah there's anal mad anal fecal matter well I took my panties off filled with shit

whipped them in the woods went commando put my jeans back on drove home a ride there's like 25 people there already party we'd party through the night we sang along we did the classic move where you you turn the TV off right before the ball drops and all the women would get pissed like what are you doing and then every year we would have a party and right as the ball hit midnight I would hit born to run right as it hit so it's like happy new year and we all go crazy oh it was so fun those were glory days so what I'm trying to say is that new years was probably better than this year but you didn't show your pants this

year well I haven't told the story yet oh good point but now I didn't all right well what in your house wrecked we would fuck it up pretty good but like it's mostly like it was friends so we wouldn't like spray paint the walls and come on the couch or anything it was just like empty beer bottles and like it would be spills and so we'd mop up the floor and shit we cleaned up pretty good usually get a yak somebody yaks in the corner and then there's a guy who gets who's wrestling he falls to the plaster you know they make stuff like that happening occasionally but mostly it was just like a you pick up and also I would take all

the pictures and stuff and put them down the hall and like my parents room and shut that door smart because we would play the music so loud that stuff would shake off the yes the ledge it's like the 80s so you'd slowly yeah we had some pretty damn good house parties sounds like it it just worked cuz I remember I went to your house once and you were like I took a shower you're like what the hell you didn't use a bath mat or something or something with oh I don't know you got a real my mother's got some serious OCD it's a real situation yeah so I was like oh shit if you ever threw a party here well so anyway so this new

year's and I'll just I'll just tell it quick and we'll move on run it run it down so New Year's Eve took it off and as you know we've known each other a long time for years I've been saying I want to reach a level of success where I can take new years off here here I would like to make that amount of money yes I don't need this gig cuz New Year's if you're listening home you usually I always had the rule of thumb is to get like three times what you would normally get for a show yeah so you get good money but but it's amateur hour it's drunks and it's just annoying and everyone's all there's so much pressure

yeah so this year I said what am I doing I've been saying this for years I'm doing it I got some money the band I'm not killing it but I'm doing okay yeah I'm taking New Year's off I don't want to deal with it yeah so I took it off and then Margot Price wonderful singer songwriter country rock and roll artist who I enjoy is performing at the Williamsburg Music Hall so I get Sarah and I a pair of tickets I say we're going to see Margot Price a singer named Lily Hyatt is opening who overshadowed Margot Price terrific songwriter she's sober she's weird-looking she's a killer artist good songwriter rock she really

rocked blew her out of the water I don't want to say blew her out of the water but like I was like I enjoyed it more than Margot Price and I enjoyed Margot killer show and here's what was great about the show it's a GA show club shows there's no seats you just get there when you get there but she's not blown up yet especially in New York she's bigger in Nashville so it's pretty like roomy and we were three people back from the railing right up front not too packed nice so here's the thing the shows in Brooklyn so like let's go out early we'll go out to Brooklyn we'll have a Brooklyn night but as you remember here in the

northeast it was pouring New Year's Eve I don't know if it wasn't Boston was it raining it was it was raining hard here so we do this weird thing where I'm like let's go get our night so have a night out so it's six o'clock we jump in an Uber and take it over to Williamsburg and we go to this bar when they have burgers I forget the name of the bar it was completely empty though it was a good burger but here's the thing we don't drink so we finished the burger it's like quarter of seven I was gonna say without the booze it boos is such a big part of New Year's a champagne you know the whole thing totally so the show

starts at 10 p.m. doors at 9 show at 10 we finish eating it's not even 7 o'clock yet oh my god you left too early so we got three hours it's pouring I'm like what are we doing this is ridiculous what a bad plan did you go back home no well what I did was I looked up movies I was like we'll go see the movie but the movie started too late or too early that weird moment so I'm like I don't know what to do we look up Brooklyn Bowl but that's like a cover charge also like a music show your whole night so then we googled ski ball and there's a bar called full circle bar I think it's called full circle circle bar one of the two it's

down the street so we walk over it's pouring rain just we're drenched we go to this bar they have ski ball in the back this bar is empty no one goes out till 11 o'clock at night apparently so we go there and I go hey can I get a coke and a diet coke looking fucking weirdos it's a dollar each it's like this hipster Brooklyn bar Brooklyn it's so hip it's fucking like it's too hip it's it's on the other way where it's annoying it's like a sketch it's like you're in a West Anderson movie everyone Landia they have a mustache and like it's just goofy yeah they're wearing weird outfits and they looks they look unattractive

they think they look cool but you're just you're just wearing like my mom's clothes yeah it looks very strange it's like cosplay almost but they're being like serious yeah and by the way no diversity in Williamsburg it's this hipster whatever you're like it's a hundred percent white people in Williamsburg yeah as far as I can see a couple bus boys but anyways that's neither here nor there so we go in the back and I don't have you've ever done this ski ball at this place I don't know this place you've played ski ball of course but like this is like a bar it's like that's their thing is ski ball a

weird thing but they have a weird system where you have to sign up online on your phone to some website there's one in Austin there's one in Brooklyn so you gotta like start an account you can't just put a dollar in and get the ski ball that's bananas what a boner killer huge boner I mean I can't even describe I had to open account give my credit card and then every time you ski ball you bowl you have to go back on there and click bowl Brooklyn it's like nine clicks of the thumb and like by the way ski ball you get eight balls so it's like 40 seconds all in so you go and then Sarah's like hey can you hit the

time like oh fuck sorry but the nice thing is the bar is so quiet Sarah and I had a private ski ball day in the back we were making out she fingered me I kissed her sure and it was pretty nice you know I would kiss it between the strike she kissed between the balls that's an old joke I love it so that was fun we had ski ball but then the gutter that finishes and it's like nine I'm like we still got an hour to go so then we went to Martha's bakery right over there on yeah great spot which is a perfect per it's on Bedford in six I think yeah it's a perfect spot for us it stays open late but it's like a hangout

kind of very European yes so we sat down had a pot of tea and ice cream a cake and then we're like now we're talking we talked movies we talked intellectual bullshit fuck fuck whatever then we went to the show great seats Lily Hyatt ripped it Margot Price came out she ripped it at midnight they had all the balloons drop I've never been in a situation where the balloons drop from the sky yeah one of those fun things they played 1999 by Prince everyone went crazy dance party we're hitting balloons balloons popping chicks are hot the whole thing love it fun night they played some great covers they played some

Neil Young they played some fuck you some other shit then at the end of the show she starts oh shit they end with nine to five by Dolly Parton everyone's going crazy it was really fun but she started throwing flowers out she throws roses one goes over Sarah's head she leaps catches it rips it out of the hand of this young fucking cut that was annoying I was drunk like they both of their hands on it and Sarah kind of ripped it out it felt like a nice win for the 40 year old yeah fuck you and this girl was really annoying the whole time she's only people just talks the whole show what is that we're like I know it's not

comedy but like you're still you're talking yes we're listening to the music right sing along fine talking now brutal she was annoying but anyways great night we ubered back I was like a $60 over we were back on our couch at 120 watch the movie and fucked the whole thing that's a beautiful night beautiful night music ski ball the food great time and went to bed woke up watch football day let me throw this one at you there fat throw it right my face the the whole you know cuz you got you got your burger too early you got eight hours to kill yeah it's pouring rain is it all you making these plans like is it I assume

it's all you going ah shit well maybe go ski ball let me go to a movie look at the movie time I go ski ball okay now I'll sign up for ski ball all right now we gotta go to let's go to Martha's well a lot of planning I hate that I hate planning it's like a pet peeve of mine see I like planning this is why this is why and Sarah's not a big planner this is where it works you need the yin yang you need the yin yang asian but you like it and I hate it but I think is the guy you're kind of pressured to do it there's a lot of like now what sometimes but I think also there's a big cliche of women planet that's a lot of guy comedians oh

my wife brought me to this thing we have to go apple picking we have to go in tea shopping yeah I think it's more cliche the other way in some ways well I always thought oh it's it's manly when a guy plans a date you know it's Alexis yelling at us oh maybe she's piping in wouldn't it be weird if she was like I think you're both wrong that'd be great a little weird but at least we'd know but yeah I just think it's like oh you know every date I've ever gone on you meet up with the girls like what are we doing and you're like I don't know what are we doing right well I first day early on dating but I feel like relationship it

feels more like the ladies like we're going to an amusement park I booked us this thing we're gonna go hit this museum first this so it can be both but we both I do a lot of the googling but the burger place was her idea she was like I know a good place we'll go here she's like you'll like that and then ski ball was her idea I did the googling but I think I'm a backseat guy I'll go anywhere I'm very open-minded I'll go anywhere where you want to go whatever you want to do I just hate the like because I was I don't want to get into my thing but we were at New Year's in Boston all this he had a big group and

every for some reason I think maybe cuz I was headlining I don't know but they were always like oh it's raining what are we doing now and they would all look at me and I was like I don't fucking know well that's because you're the coolest and you're headlining the show so you're the guy I just want to sit back and go you guys go then I'll make fun of whatever you pick right right but then you've become the guy you're headlining and it she's on your trip you have the work so she's like tagging along and people are respecting I think the fact that like well you're working so whatever you want to do you know well we do it

when I'm not working too but uh-huh see that's a different pile of semen I think yeah I just hate being that I hate being relied on I want to just go with the flow yeah sometimes it's frustrating it's frustrating like that in comedy when like your family people want to go to the show like what time do we get there we're gonna go our seats and you're like I don't know you figure that out but I like a balance but I try to we try to balance it out and see like what would you like to do what can you want to do but it was definitely my idea like let's go out there we have a Brooklyn if it wasn't raining yeah we could you can

walk around yeah strolling is big rain is a killer it is a killer and also the not drinking becomes tough because you walk by all these bars you know that would be fine we could stop in there but like how many coax can you drink exactly sitting there like weirdos a lot of soda yeah I do I'm a big fan of like changing the atmosphere like I'll get a beer here then we'll drink that we'll go to that bar we'll mix it up yeah but then we do what we do a lot of that we do a lot of like personal a a meetings we're like imagine if we were drinking would be shithouse right now we'll be fighting here it's true be black and we

would be late for the show it's true like it would like we would have skipped the opening act we're like we'll show up at midnight we'll find out totally we should have been throwing up and you know we would have been fighting and I think with that with the relationships with drinking I'm like we would be just going at it all the time all the time you know the lady's spilling her purse out she's like my keys are in here somewhere she's shithouse your hammered you forget your wallet oh that's the thing I forgot I've not lost anything in years yeah you're get out of the cab you're like fuck my ass my phone in the tail part my phones in

the driver's seat not just items you lose days those hangovers and you'll you wake up you go I don't know how I got home I don't know who you are I don't know what date is I don't know where Obama's president and then you go all right I can't get out of bed till four yeah I mean I'm not move I'm gonna order seamless and I'm gonna I'm gonna crawl to the bathroom to shit water and then crawl back and jerk off maybe yeah so how was your I mean here with your new years all right so I had a good new years as well but again it gets tough cuz you know friends are there and girlfriends are there and comics are

there so there's a lot of worlds combining here so I'm in bean town had a blast went to the ladies thing for Christmas and then we hightailed to Vermont skied snowboarded came back checked right into the Weston on the waterfront in Boston and we saw it out four out of six shows wow every show is amazing Dan Bulger hosting he's so funny he would set him up because he does goddamn jokes yes he's great great comic great guy dear friend old roommate great guy but I could tell he was he seemed a little hesitant or skittish a little bit and I was like I wonder what that's about but I was like I'm in my head Alan I'm

gay so then all the shows were great I had a lot of fans on a Tuesdays came out was we were ripping it up to a new stuff Doug Key featuring great times and then New Year's Eve comes around we have a 6 p.m. and an 8 that's it that's the show well that's amazing two shows but it's weird because six I mean who's going out at six right so anybody you tell me well the six was about every show's been sold out so I'm getting this like every night I'm like is it sold out tonight it is how about the next show it is oh my god so I got used to being a sellout guy right and then I show up at six it's about a third full and it's all blue hair

baby oh there's a couple of young guys in the middle but it's a lot of geezers okay so I I kind of have a rough one I was like I I got spoiled I'll be honest and we're having we're hanging out we're having fun and then the 8 o'clock show comes around maybe half full normal looking younger people but I just bomb oh but because they're thinking what are we doing later are not gonna get your the more shots more shots you see the trays going around like crazy the shooting shots and drinking drinks yeah you're in the way I'm in the way so they're like we got to get to our party we got to get to that limo whatever the hell they're

doing so oh man they hated I'm talking about race and Jews and gay and they're like what is this I think I was just a show uh-huh and so that sucks so it's like such a bummer to have all those great shows in the last one just be a kick in the taint so then I text Michelle Wolf and she's like we're at the Wilbur I got DeVito I got stone here I got a Whitzer phase Becky sounds is over here so I was like oh I love all those people so we haul ass of the Wilbur it's pouring rain it's like an $800 rubric is there surging yes I had the same thing surge by the way Becky original producer of this show that's right that's what we

pitched to she's a big manager now I love the back oh so great so we haul ass to the Wilbur we get there and I assume because Cypher is there that they're in the bowels of the Wilbur they have a nightclub down there so I was like oh Michelle must have roped off a part of the nightclub by the way that's also Nick's comedy club down there that's right that's right I've bombed there a few times so I go by and the guys like you're not on the list I'm like I'm swear to God I'm on the list I just taught I'm texting her right now show like Michelle Wolf on my phone they're like oh you are unless but it's only

two but it's me Doug and our two ladies so now we got to get them in so I'm texting Wolf but she's drunk and dancing living it up so I text DeVito and he's like yeah we're in here I'll come out and get you I'm like oh great wait 10 minutes 20 minutes what text him again he's like where are you I was like I'm at the Wilbur I'm downstairs he's like oh we're in a different place so I was like so now this is when I'm talking about all the pressure all the girls like what are we doing why are we coming here what I'm wet fucking Uber sucks ain't myself you know wet well the rain oh yeah the bad wet so rain work is a lubricant no like if you

went out back and spread her cheeks open could you fuck her in the badge it's salt there's no salt and rain is there isn't that the photo of the girl with the umbrella the rain hits it and salt comes out that's a different thing that's Morton yes but that's not that's not real rain what I think she's trying to do a bit like she's even if it was salty you'd so I don't know what's going on there but I don't think that's the umbrella bitch is doing a bit scientifically accurate yeah yeah I guess if you had a pork chop you put it under the rain it wouldn't get saltier no certainly not itch I always thought rain had salted it

maybe it does I don't know acid rain is something and now is that acid could I get high I don't know I think that's a different acid is like battery acid new slime all right anyway so you go to the the wet house we go over to the other we go to the other bar we finally get there and now it's just like all right we're good we fine wolf we find the gang we she's got champagne it gives us all glasses we hang out we're having a cut in a rug and I'll tell you having a lady and all that's a lot of work sometimes but when that ball countdown comes by you look around you see who doesn't have a date you got a date yeah it's all worth

it big boy now I think there must be a lot of me too happening at midnight in these clubs because everyone wants to kiss so I think a lot of people just plant like D-day V-day whatever the fuck that photo is they just grab somebody VJ day whatever the day that was ED yeah HPV day they must be a lot of just face planting that they didn't probably yeah you know I mean yeah I think you might have something that you have a nice kiss had a great smooth shit I do I'm a big dipper I'm a big dipper oh I love a depth similar to the VJ day photo yes that was a dip and who knows if that girl was into it I believe that was a

me too oh time's up well I feel like with the war and he got it just all right all right I'll make this work but I think she's come out since and been like I would gotta not ask yeah I think so as a whole I'm sure there'll be a movie about it sure yeah the war is no excuse all right so a big smooch then wolf's like let's go to the four seasons I rented the suite wow we go back there and she it's like Kevin McAllister we go to the four seasons she opens up the door a guy pushes a card in we all throw a $20 at the guy's face and kick him in the ass on the way out we pull those lids off it's just cookies ice cream hot fudge

sundae whip cream wow cake ain't no queef jizz and we just all go in there it was like the movie the scene and hook where you can finally see the food he's just picking out oh run home jack yes jack that was a different movie no that was for the kids name oh I'm thinking of when he played the old guy who was a kid yeah I never got into that one that was my scene Cosby's in it no kidding yeah he's in that wow yeah fucks a kid he's in jail so yeah we said a great night the girlfriend passed out on the floor which is always fun we're all being stoned and David are watching Shark Tank and just shitting on the guy and ribbing them and

fun stuff and then wolf passed out I got a photo got a nap chat of wolf nap chat that's I do a gag on my Instagram stories I take a photo people sleeping and I put nap chat oh fun it's really can catch it on so yeah just had a great night and then this is the worst part you wake up hung over out of my balls and the lady is going back to New York and I have to go sleep at bulgers because I'm staying in Boston for a one more day before I go to San Francisco so she we put her on a bus we do the whole big wave me in Boulder waving as the bus pushes it is exhaust on us did you run after her and then hit the post oh I didn't see a post classic

so that she left and then bulger man we just had a we just yucked it up and I realized why he was so skittish how come he's not great around girlfriends they don't know what to do aha he likes he likes comedians a basketball if she talked basketball he'd be okay right you're really gonna talk comedy or hoop or history or he's in trouble that's about right yeah and by the way he knows more than anybody about all three subjects but he couldn't recite the Magna Carta oh yeah he knows his business but if you start talking feelings or emotions I mean he's gonna jump off a bridge he's out at one point I mentioned

the girls like she's pretty he's like yeah yeah he ran away yeah he's gonna do a bit about it and talk about Sam Adams right but you bring up the New Jersey Nets 98 squad forget it oh yeah so what time he drove home we lived together yeah and we went to the bar to watch a game and they didn't have the team he wanted us we ate like a dinner and he's like you know what the the heat are playing the jazz it's on TNT we don't have game he drove home wow watch the fucking nets and wizards play he's a kook I love that about him he is a kook but one of the best can be he should really move here because he's as good as it gets

comedically he's so funny and he's funny in person just hanging out I was dying laughing all day so funny and as a whip we hit a diner we yucked it up then we saw vice I fell asleep yeah you're asleep in a movie guy I've done it three times my life and once you were there twice you've slept twice at movies Steve Jobs Steve Jobs doc and then we went and saw all the short films in Philly almost entirely through that yeah now you're telling me a third so I mean all right well I'll give you three I mean that's three out of the last three I've heard about that's a hundred percent I've seen a lot of movies between then okay I mean

you fall asleep at any of them no okay well I'm saying we've been to the movies together three times once we were on drugs we were the other day you slept that was you mean bulger in Astoria I think we went and saw the happening we were taking pills yeah that was the one where you go if I start jerking off don't try to stop that's right that's right this was years ago that was like 11 years ago that's a wild time whatever it was I had a bunch of Zen we took Xanax and we needed a few beers and we went and saw I forget what it was I think we went bulger probably remembers we went to cheesecake factory or something we went

Applebee's Applebee's yeah or UNO it might have been UNO it was UNO because you got a discount you bought a beer and a burger you get like three dollars off it felt like a deal but like it was like a seventy-five dollar tab right right I think I might have been the hat bulger and I went to the movies a lot together over there I can't remember what was what maybe was spider-man or something but we were all fucked up I think we bought you an AC unit no I took you to buy AC in my car remember oh that was it Sarah Wow PC Richard and son that's right I had the car at the time yes boy what a what a time we watched the Marx brothers till

five in the morning yes all right so either way went to Bulger's we had we will and then being bulger saw vice we went in eight and then we did like four bar shows all over the city was great Wow he's got great bits so good so I think he's gonna help go check it out Bulger B O U L G E R when it came up but go check it out I forget the name of it check it out and then yeah went back to his place crash had like an early flight that six-hour flight to San Fran is such a cunt yeah so that was fun got to sanny went to bed woke up four shows my opener who I requested I love for a show he writes for the Jim Jeffery show he

used to open for Nick Griffin on the road oh wow and then Patrice I think I hung out with him in LA if I'm not gonna get there you don't I am for us he sounds like that yeah yeah yeah we went out to a canner's diner after the live pop yes yeah yeah good eggs so then all the shows were great we sold out a few of those shows but then you get those every now and then I'll be always say hey San Francisco watch over those PC man it's crazy and there was a couple there was a couple like no no like after jokes that's not true fuck but yeah not true business I'm joking I know I'm a comedian what but yeah so fact-checking bits is

very strange it's crazy but yeah but that city I have a love for it I feel love walking around looking at everything in that city that it's so gritty but it's still beautiful but it's grimy and there's a black guy in boxers and high heels walking by you know it's so many hobos there but that pier with the sea lions is amazing and then there's hate Ashbury which is all trippy and kitschy and then the houses are all row houses but they're all wacky looking in different colors and the Castro yeah the Castro the strip clubs in the big park I went by the city lights bookstores beautiful that you got to go there when

you go I've been there city lights yes I've been there and then they got what's it goes you know who Francis Ford Copeland's got his Italian restaurant with this is a ropey is so so that's his yes of course yeah it's right up there with that crazy triangle building the killer Chinese restaurant across the street great food I love it all over there sister yeah great town great ballpark too okay yeah just great club that club is so tight and well done low ceiling you touch the ceiling with your asshole when you're on stage and just great nights and a ceiling what that is a low seal yeah oh yeah very low and just had a

blast and then we I met up with Josh Potter he's a buffalo guy friends with Matt Wayne yeah yeah he's opening for Segura at cops wow so I go what do you come by cops we went by cops we went upstairs Segura's in there we're drinking I'm drinking in the green room of cops with Segura was amazing wow no theater for first of all he did the Masonic temple for like two nights and then did cops on the last show some some deal here seemed fishy I knew I knew something was up but he sold out everything he's a quite quite doing quite well yes he is and we all chatted about the current state of comedy he's with us

hard not to talk about it yeah and a couple times just yeah I went back smoked some weed and cut that six hour flight I took I stole some drama mean from the Hudson news all right as you will that shit's like $18 so I just pocketed one of those puppies I think I pocketed like a cliff bar I just chugged like five of them because I'm like I'm going to bed I'm just sleeping this whole fucking flight and I I kept passing out and I had the girl next to me who had to go pee every six ah geez I gotta start booking a window ah yes the window because I sleep sleep all the way yeah I want to sleep the

whole way I can hold in urine like you wouldn't believe I used to do those what was that game where you tape Edward 40 hands oh yes I would kill every time I'd win that every time I'm dying right now I gotta piss like you read about well there you go I don't know if you read about it but so yeah I got back to the city that me and the lady hit the town and I'll tell you she wants to go see jazz you ever done that yeah quite a bit it's not great really I mean I'm a guy who grew up I grew up with jazz so it's not like special to me I see it I'm like oh yeah right you know it's like how you feel when you watch the town yeah it's a

strange analogy but yeah I yeah I see like yeah I guess if it's not you're seeing thing you're seeing I just feel like a guy's going like I got it yeah you know it two minutes I like it I put it on in my house I don't need to watch for an hour I see all right it sounds like you got some troubles in the relationship area we didn't go we didn't see the jet well if she's planning it let her plan that's a that's your dream let her plan you don't want to plan and have someone plans up you hate this is why I like planning that's why it's good to plan plan B that way you're running the show I guess so but then don't you

worry about them not liking it of course well that's why we do a mutual right you go hey do you like this or you do like that all right let's do this you took that so I'll pick this yeah you're right it's tough these relationships you really gotta you gotta put the work in yeah hate to say it but it's it's work you gotta really beat each other halfway and communicate and touch dicks and you gotta fucking you're supposed to want to put the work in that's the key yeah I think so yeah for sure of course yeah it's like comedy yeah right or sex how you get under it with the wrench and the oil speaking of sex work I gotta

plug some dates all right plug you're you got you want to add another thing I had some should we say because we got some bonus coming to I'll just say this you talked about the app with the ski ball yes I went to 24-hour fitness out there in San Fran have you seen these machines where they don't tell you what the weights are worth so you got to scan it and then go to an app no it's horrible like I'm already in the gym I hate being here I don't I want to get this over with and now I'm sitting there scanning a fucking RX code like an idiot oh it's the worst so fuck you it's a called hoist fuck you hoist some of these future

things you can tell isn't gonna work it's not gonna try this he's like now that's not one of them sorry good try if we get out of here it was like someone that went on Shark Tank or something if you lift a bottle it weighs nine pounds you scan your foot and it shaves your pubes because some dick went in the 24-hour fitness that I got a deal for you hoist baby you're gonna you're gonna scan a code and there's people are gonna blow you and they're like oh man it was just a good salesman fuck you hoist my fucking hoisty moist dick yes hoist moist well hey folks speaking of hoist and moist moisture humidity this weekend I got a

fucking from all it by all accounts a hell gig coming up oh yeah from what I've heard from Sam Merrill our pal I met off the hook comedy club in Naples and if you're anywhere near there if you're in Tampa if you're on at Key West or the Keys or Fort Lauderdale hop in the car take the drive down I could really use some allies some two days yes back up folks yeah we got Sarah or if you have friends in Naples send them my way and say hey this guy's a terrific comedian you're gonna enjoy this because I could really use the help I've heard it's a tough tough pill to swallow yeah Naples Florida off the hook comedy club and it's

a Thursday through Sunday Wednesday arrival five nights down there so come on out and with that and then the week after that next weekend Chicago Zainis and I just found this out I only hit a bonus for Thursday and early Friday or maybe it's late Friday makes more sense to be late Friday Thursday or late Friday get tickets to those if you've already got your tickets keep your tickets but don't if you're gonna buy tickets you haven't bought them yet buy for the Thursday show it's trying to fucking sell out the Thursday or the late Friday this is Boys Town Old Town Old Town yeah because I guess they just said they

sell out Saturday anyway so they're gonna sell out you're gonna get you're gonna hit some bonuses on that one well I only have two chances at bonuses Thursday and late Friday okay so get tickets to those shows that would help me and they'll be fun shows because it'll be all fans then the week after that comedy on state and Madison after that it's Royal Oak Michigan I just added these dates to comedian Joe list dot com go hit my site all my late nights are on there spread those around go find our late nights and spread them around yeah I see all these other guys getting million two million we got nothing yeah get those views leave

a comment and share them on your Facebook share them on your Twitter share what let's ground swell this shit we gotta save comedy yes jokes there's too many people out there just going oh this is bull bull yeah get some bits we want some bits out there so do that and then hit the patreon we're gonna do we're gonna do a bonus right now you got time to do a bonus we're gonna do a bonus with a live episode January 29th at the Village Underground we got Sal Volcano coming in that will eventually be on the patreon so go see that and comedian Joe list dot com for my dates you go my I'm gonna leave you on your own because

I got a piss here all right go pee also I want to say there's not the relationship's going well I don't want to make it sound like oh yeah well I'm just saying you gotta see some jazz you take her to jazz all right hold her hand sucker dick yeah what does she have a vagina eat her vagina yes I'll eat it all right so this week I'm at st. Louis funny bone which I hear is a raucous romp of booze so list loves it I've heard good things and I've heard scary things but I can't wait then going down to Key West Florida folks so come on by that and then I'm doing Miami on the Saturday Sunday I'm doing some casino and it's

called the what nots Google that that's gonna be a hot one can't wait to get down to Miami then Mohegan son with old Chris Al that's in Connecticut Unkinsville worst word on the planet then I'm going skiing with Ari that should be a hoot that's on Groundhog Day then hilarities Cleveland come on out I love Cleveland big fan I got him involved good nights in Raleigh hello love that Raleigh love that club Syracuse funny bone my arch nemesis it's in the mall Syracuse sucks you know it sucks I know you live there you take offense but let's be honest behind closed doors you shit on it too there's nothing going on Helium

Philly my all-time favorite this is my white whale I think our Caucasian mammal it's a good time Philly Helium I love this club I love the crowds I love the city so let's get kooky and Royal Oak Michigan and Vegas at the comedy cellar with these Jews I got Ari I got Becky Owen I got list and Madison comedy club on state I think I'm gonna film an album there record an album just say fuck it when else am I gonna be back at Madison Atlanta and Roar comedy club so that's in Springfield mass Columbus Ohio I'm doing a I'm doing a gig in Columbus Ohio at the Sonic Fest I'm fine I'm opening for Andrew Dice Clay wow hedgehog yeah

who oh I was like the hedgehog yeah yeah he's good I made a comeback I think oh there's a movie coming out Jim Carrey's playing yeah he has on gone crazy yeah fuck him all right well you heard it here first folks fuck Jim Carrey fuck you dad and you know fuck a fucking Nazi all right muzzle signing off take it easy music