Tuesdays with Stories! - #281 Slip-N-Start

Episode Date: January 22, 2019

It's another hot ep as Mark misses flights and Jetski's while hungover and Joe road trips to D.C. with Ari Shaffir & Big Jay and smokes cigars with Robert Kelly in the Windy City. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon to hear the new live ep with Bert Kreischer and Nick Vatterott! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me start it out hey whoa whoa oh sex yes I didn't hit the back up hold on drug freeze but I got the back I'm going oh that's a nice record you got it looks

okay it's an ad it looks neat but it's not that great actually a retro and gay yeah but it's not great all right here's the problem that I updated my phone and my my regular one that comes on the phone it doesn't I come on my own phone sometimes it doesn't do anything it doesn't it fucks up like if you hit reverse 15 seconds it goes 30 seconds and if you exit out of the app it goes back to the beginning it's a piece of shit that's no good I do a lot of set listening you gotta do it kids gotta listen you gotta listen you hate to hear your own anal but it helps I love my own anal I hear the ocean that's a

great boost you ever take a shit and then you're still farting like a minute later what's that what's going on there one's a solid one's a gas I know but usually the gas is just to symbolize that you have to shit isn't it that's a myth no that's that's real deal holyfield see I hold in urine I have you know some some weird kinks from back in my bed wedding days yeah and I hold in whiz and my stomach gets all full of juice distended distended yeah just ended and then I fart because my my stomach's gone hey we're out of room yeah yeah I will fart like crazy when I have to whiz interesting yeah cuz it's

just my guts got a low lay out a little bit now how about the women that can swallow air and then shoot it up their pussy come again the queef is that a thing some women can queef on cue and on cue queef on cue queef tell you right now I've seen it happen OQC no it OQQ OPP how can I explain it I'll take it frame by frame it yeah you know me by the way what's this lamp it looks like a looks like the pussy thing that Nikki told us about no it doesn't work by the way oh is that right the womanizer the womanizer I got a womanizer and the knockoff called the ladyizer yeah and they both we talked about this already

in the pot they both suck like this to do is suck no but they stink I have to use them they just go like this it's not it's shit but anyways that's exactly what it looks like this is huge just for a big fat labia majora well it looks like that but small that looks like they blew it up this is like a Hershey's kiss this is a vaporizer a naturalizer I don't I'd say it's a moisturizer now it shoots up air oh I got it all that humidifier humidifier yes now what do you got you got a dry pussy or what well the girlfriend's got a dry snatch so she throws that puppy on it sits on it but no no it just shoots up air vapor and

shit and it smells good and it's supposed to like calm it's like a spa I don't even air know her all right there we go we're having fun anyways good to be here it's a fucking chilly Monday yeah I saw it I just took the AC out took me about three days and now it's a little warmer in here it was 51 in here last night oh wow well I'm wearing thermal underwear my dad's panties and sports bra and three layers on top I've got on my clan hood but the problem is as we've said this happened last night we were together at the village underground I got thermals on and all the stuff but then you go on stage and it's it's hotter

than a fucking pistol up there and I'm wearing six layers I was sweating like you know a Jew and a hardware lesbian yeah something you can't do any of those jokes anymore it's a shame yeah you know what somebody should post it's MLK day by the way yeah MLK junior and he was some I saw footage of him laughing at racist jokes once I'm not kidding yeah and I can't remember where it was I couldn't find it online I wanted to post it but that's what you need because he's a social justice warrior yeah he was I watched bring the pain he was howling yeah there you go so how would you have a pre-pre copy like shooting up the screen

he's like whoa Nellie free last yeah he hates Edwards but he was laughing these jokes and I'm like that's that's a good social justice warrior this guy knows what's real fucked up stuff and what's a joke yeah that's important well it's a it's a beautiful day out there and happy to happy no it's actually quite cold I don't know what I was talking about the poor guy he's got his holidays like the shittiest day it's 12 degrees now business is birthday I believe birthday that's what they tell us well it's happy happy birthday and it's about nine degrees out there it's brutal yeah it's like that when it kills your ears but I

just got back from a sunny Key West oh I love Key West it's a real wild scene down it's wild it's it's where you go you fuck a kid you kill your wife you go down there to get away it's like the Australia of America yeah it's really something Southern most point and continental United States ah Hawaii further south it's hard to believe yeah I buy it I believe it's true but what do they say Vegas is actually lower than LA yeah look it up give it a kidding wow further south you mean that's what I mean lower certainly you know as a place morality was yeah yeah it stinks we're going out there for a week to

try to get us to go out there for a month these people I had I told him no I said no to Vita he got sucked in well he's weak he really buckled he's little and weak but we're there March 20th of the 24th I believe but Vegas is a two-day town I'm sorry two three days tops it's not fun I mean you're sober as a foe almost said that you sober as a judge over there what were you gonna say I was gonna throw out an F bomb but yeah you're sober and you don't really gamble I get I'll gamble from there I gamble a little bit I'll gamble I play a lot of I gamble quite a bit but not if I'm at a casino all right so anyways you're down

in Key West let me just say this before we get it because I'm all over the anal here because I got so much to talk about we got so little time and I hate myself I got a haircut last week for Key West yes right before we recorded bad haircut agreed you were very nice in the moment was horrific sorry yeah so it's kind of starting to come back to shape but I had a mullet I look like Theo Vaughn over here I had a big mole you don't know what you're talking about for that for the amount of hair on the side in the top the back was way too long it was going over the collar okay all right yeah so mullet over I called the and

this is big this is not me I called the I got Alan in my ear you know I'm just like I'm on come on you can do this assert be yourself fight for it self worth so I go hey barbershop I think I got a bad snip I gotta come back in there no kidding for you the lady was like oh who did it I was like I don't know some tall gay guy and she was like oh he's not here you can only come back and get your your fixes when the guys here what tomorrow that's the whole system should be the opposite right I don't want to get a different guy yes yeah if I go to you know church and I get finger fucked by a priest they can't go yet to apologize to

the same priest I should apologize to the to the Muslim wait that's a different priest or the rabbi whatever why are you apologizing that was the joke I see so I go I go I'm gone tomorrow I'm going to Key West baby and she goes all right well maybe next week so I go ah so now I got no I gotta go to Key West with a mullet oh boy every time I pass a mirror every time I look at the reflection in the pond I see my goddamn mold it ruined my whole trip that's the Gulf by the way ah I prefer a stickball but yeah so Gulf oh I didn't even know we're going but it's time yeah I do it's blowing it we're blowing it episode was so good in

my head last things in my head we start over here's the thing everyone everyone keeps writing in they're back I don't even know we were stinking I can't top myself I thought we were doing great now also everyone's like best episode in ten years yeah the old days sucking for a while you brought it back good to see you redeem yourself you should be dead it's it's classic comedy because you start your first you read it this is how everything happens in my life the initial thing I'm like all right we did a good up wait do we suck right before it's it's less than a second it's not even a Mississippi it's one miss I can't

I can't we have to go after ourselves and it's tough follow it's almost like listen to your son I gotta listen to what we did last week I don't know what we did well you can't repeat that's the thing this is all fresh as a day I know and it's off the cuff and you know I don't know what's going on very cold my fingers I got blood circulations yeah I'm out I got nothing my brain I got a wall up and they're gonna build it I know the Patriots want them all wacky it was a crazy day yesterday yeah anyway all right so you got a mullet we start over no we're good we're good they like it you look great though shut up all right so

go down there you have a mullet wasn't a mullet I mean that's insane but all right you felt you felt my life you feel mullet it's a mullet if it's on top of my collar I can't live all right I can't live with a mullet on my collar so I go back in from Brooklyn I go back in the guy working the front desk goes just want to say huge fan of the pod what yeah at the haircut wait first and foremost you getting a haircut at a place with a front desk well you go as a guy you walk in he goes you got an appointment you go now walk in he goes all right and they never have an anyone sitting there it's it's weird so you just go he goes

all right we'll go with Bobby well I wouldn't get my hair cut a place at the front desk I got three Russian Jews that they drink they say the n words that's not even a joke by the way that's the way to do it was it 1499 or something like that 1499 no it's I don't know what it is 14 bucks maybe 15 maybe 16 I think it's 16 now paint out of the ass at one time I saw Berkowitz in there wow I saw Ed Helms in there no shit and I was a no TJ Miller goes there too so it's like a little celebrity haunt but you really went in reverse order there yeah I guess so all right so you go in you got a mall there's a guy at the desk which is

strange yeah they somebody's gonna answer the phone while you're sniffing I guess but I go to places that don't have a phone I go to a barber shop they got a chair from 1940s and you just walk in they go what do you need a head of a boot mine's a barber too but it's one of these like she she like you go in they off you a shot of whiskey that's the thing yes we have that over yeah well that's just a Russian drunk yeah this is like supposed to be classy and there's a bunch of shit on the walls is like drive Italian no drive German where Italian fuck American or something like that it's pretty cheesy yeah but so it was nice

to I asserted I gave the guy a fiverr and he cut the back it looks way better feels better and the guy out new me yeah you like that badly that line that's a good back come on the top is a little top yeah well it's windy all right so go down to Key West here we go you I do Jim and Sam in the morning we have a fun time on Jim and Sam I get the free ride to the airport go out to LaGuardia I barely make it get to LaGuardia LaGuardia flight delay oh suck me sideways now it was a cut to get out there because my flight was at 11.05 so you got to be there at 10.05 but the Jim and Sam show ends at 10 I had to leave early so

Norton gave me a nice amount of guff oh you know but whatever so you know you get there and this was the worst flight I think I've ever had it was a three hour flight to Miami which is not bad not bad but there's so many kids at one point I counted just around me they were 14 infants oh 14 and the guy next to me I don't want to get too crass here twos gaze this guy next to me clearly also going to Key West because you land in Miami then you hop on a little little puddle jumper to Key West uh-huh this guy next to me I was in the middle seat which I didn't realize I got on the plane I got to start looking into that the guy next

to me on the window old old old old gay guy wheelchair just crazy looking gay guy looked like he's out of cocoon I think he might have had AIDS role aids yes that came together but he's got the Hawaiian show but he's got lesions all over his body he's got bandages like on his head his wrists and on his fingers and stuff Legion of skanks yeah so this guy was looking rough oh and he's like he keeps reading a magazine and like dozing off and when he dozes he twitches and is twitching with elbow being in the ribs I'm familiar with the doze twitch doze and twitch not a great move and I bet he's got sharp elbows they

have sharp elbows oh yeah I mean those bones were weak but they were sharp sounds like a sharp elbow guy I can picture this guy old queen did you have like a walker that he stuck in the overhead or what it was foldable yep I know this guy yeah and he had arm hair that was longer than my asshole hair which is pretty impressive yeah I get to put this before I've had asshole hair that gets stuck in the the rim of my underwear and it's just tugging whoa yeah yeah it because it straightens out and on a windy day or whatever and the leg elastic a leg because I got the Mack Weldon's we haven't a Mack Weldon

ad since 1988 but I still wear it every day yeah I don't wash them shit stains the whole thing but I get a long butthole that's stuck in the leg elastic wow and it'll dang it I'll have to pull over to the side of the road and take my pants off and snip it sure sometimes feels good to yank it because when they're really long you yank it's not bad all right I'll try it give it a yank cuz a short yank hurts a long yank legion yanks but yeah so middle seat old gay guy 14 kids and it's all these kids are Hasidic Jews oh interesting now I don't know if you've seen Hasidic Jews in the air I had I had a couple on my flight

also they're worse in the air much like much like peanuts I don't mind a peanut on the ground you can be a peanut in the air I'm pissed I only ate peanuts exclusively in the air what about the kids they're gonna die the Delta gives out peanuts they don't give a fuck about the kids every flight baby well this was America well here's what they do they they find out if there's an allergy kid which I appreciate like if there's an allergy kid we won't give up peanuts but other than that you're getting your peanuts all right and I like them they're a toasted salted peanut but there's no circumstance on land that I would just go

buy a bag of peanuts maybe at a ballgame or something yeah no one buys peanuts you see them in a jar at a bar or something a bar in a jar or something a good Dr. Seuss book by the way I think we're cooking now I'm not saying it's last week but I'm saying don't ruin it well you looked nervous all right so what happens next you got 14 Jews in an old queer a flying temple up here this is crazy it's the Sabbath air and all these Jews are running these Jews they run up and down the aisle like it's not Christmas that's not the only thing they run the Hollywood the business yes and the weather so this lap appeal they got

there those white tassels are flipping these yarmulkes throwing like frisbees it's wild over there there's a gefilte fish on a grill it's bananas it's having a gila all over again and I can't I can't relax because these kids are huffing and puffing and the gay guy with AIDS is pissed he's like god damn it son of a bitch and then there's a kid behind him and the kid is kicking the AIDSy seat oh and so he's getting upset he's only got a few minutes left to live you buddy can't kick AIDS so he goes could you stop kicking my seat you've been kicking my seat the whole time and everybody in that area is like oh shit

AIDS he's upset so then the dad of the kid goes you don't like it why don't you get first class next time oh and then the AIDS guy and this he was like an Hispanic guy and the Asian guy or AIDS guy goes uh oh a good Christian I see what and the guy goes huh I don't get that zing I don't get it either he goes yeah good Christian I see huh he goes huh and that was the end of it but I thought that was a fun moment the reading a New Yorker to it ended like there they're recording stuff ran out of battery yeah it was like our bonus up yes the bonus patreon we got a lot of bonus stuff in the picture I just put that in there I

just want to interject please I interviewed Steve Rogers right before his late night set we did a bonus we'll do another bonus live episode the patreon is cooking it's hot and heavy and salvolcano ain't ain't nothing to sneeze at no he's not he's a get so all right this is the longest flight of my life I can't fall asleep in the middle seat it's brutal the kids the Jews the whole thing so then we finally land we're super late we're delayed we're super late so I have a connection so I run I run I run I run I run run run run get out of there make the connection the connection is delayed

ah that's kind of nice in a way it's kind of nice in a way because you're not late right but you want to get to Key West you want to get down there there's nothing worse than a vacation delay I remember Sarah and I hope we did roast battle they put it to the W we had a 11 hour delay like we missed our whole day in LA hotel exactly I want to get on the beach I want to get on the sand of my toes and the gaze of my ass but it you know I was supposed to land at four and now I'm gonna land at seven ten oh the gigs at 830 the whole thing's ruined now fuck so now I'm pissed but I'm just glad to be off that flight it was the

worst flight so brutal and so then I'm in the connection area and it's one of those things where it's like D 60 the gate where it's all the way at the end of the airport you have to go downstairs and it's just you and like chickens and a cage and shit it's like bad news so they keep going all right now the flight will be at 530 now it'll be at 545 so I go fuck this I'm gonna walk around the airport but I remember the lady saying don't leave this area because you can't hear the loudspeaker but I'm like look I'm a pro I fly every weekend I'm platinum blow me so I go upstairs like I'm gonna steal some things so I go up I

steal a candy bar out of the thing and I steal a what do you call those muscle milks oh I don't think are good for you but no I don't like it I'll do it and so now I'm walking around I go I should go back and then I got fucking I'm not going back yeah I'm gonna do one more little lap and then she got it I should go back and then I look at the Delta or the American app and it says like boarding so like oh shit all right we're boarding fine so I run there I get down to the gate and I go oh sorry Key West and she goes lady was so nice older black woman super nice she goes that's gone what I go what do you mean she goes

where'd you go we just boarded it and it just took off two seconds ago and I'm like when I remember her saying don't leave the area so I didn't want to look like an idiot so I go I was in the bathroom it was an emergency oh my god I'm so sorry and she's like calling in like is the door closed yet I'm like I'll run on the tarmac I don't care so she's like no it's gone it's gone I was like oh my god I just walked around the airport stealing things and missed my flight to Key West Wow Miami like an idiot oh missing a plane when you're at the plane really it's the saddest thing I've never done this in my life yeah

that's bad news bears she's like I called your name a million time are you Norman I was like yes oh my god I cause like it was an emergency I still have some on me I'm gross I was just going off the special needs kick and oh I forgot a key element a Key West element thank you I get on the plane to Miami and you know I mean group 29 or whatever now they keep pushing your back and the guy goes oh we gotta check your bag now they're all full and I go oh come on I'm making a connection I hate to check the bag he's like we gotta check the bag it's all full what do you want me to do I was like

alright sorry is awful I get on there they're not all full there's plenty of room oh Christ on Christmas yes I hate that shit so I go ahead yeah I tell the stewardess later hey hey they said it's all full but it's not let me go get my bag she's a guy you can you can it's great I'm like well tell them to tell other people save the rest I'm screwed but save the newbies yeah they do that just they do it as a precautionary thing and they're not even communicating I've had that happen so many times the guy in the front says oh it's full and then I go let me just try and I go there it's half empty right we're half full I didn't

well he would let me try that's for sure yeah trial and error so I go ah fuck so now I mean in Miami missed my Key West flight with no bag oh my bags in Key West and I'm here I'm in Key East North yeah Miami yeah there you go so so now I'm like oh what do I do and I'm putting on a real sad face and you know when you're in a horrible situation there's like a lot of trauma and stress you kind of just shut down yes you know I just had this thing like I fuck it I'm in Miami with no bag and I my body went in like a weird shock where I was like yeah what are you gonna do so I go all right well what can I do and she's like the best

we can do is we can get you on a flight that leaves it's six you'll get there at maybe 7 30 and I was like all right let's do it so I go to that flight get on it great flight got a coffee out of the guy it's like a 28 minute flight it's amazing yeah it's a skip it's a three hour car ride yes so we get there I land Tom Dustin's been at the airport for six hours I feel bad he goes we hug it was great he's he's the best guy he's so funny we're laughing immediately we're having a great time I get the bag the bag has been waiting there go to the hotel I'm in do the show that night we sell it out it's a hot show out they all

sell out but it was just killer set of my life now there's more but you go bottle cap that's the name of the venue the bottle cap key what comedy key West comedy comedy Key West I can't remember which one it is Key West comedy I think it's Key West comedy yeah comedy Key West Key West comedy either way it's the only thing on the island yeah go down there check it out I'll be down there February 22nd and 23rd 21st 22nd oh yeah it's too fun to not go yeah we're we're regular this is our fourth time now we go down there we got all kinds of we got a whole setup we know we know what we're doing down there I can't remember

the name of the place we stay because it ain't cheap down there the real estate no no it's expensive it's very you know it's sunny fun in the sun and his prostitutes to get cigars they just sell right in the street just walk around I get this as soon as I get out of the car I fucking light up a cigar drive the 7 mile bridge it's quite a sight yes well it's freedom down there you feel free it's lawless and it's a good vibe it's America they got prostitutes and cigars and you can get naked Garden of Eden you can walk around nude and there's Jimmy Buffett and there's people playing in the sunsets over there in the water and

sunset my god it's a great place but so I was in another one of my favorite places all time Chicago who shot test Iraq Illinois what a city as you know but first I went to one of my other favorite cities Washington DC yes for the Ari Shafir renamed storytelling show we still have a name that's the name the renamed storytelling show I guess that's fine doesn't matter he sells out though he sold out a long time ago we did sixth and I the synagogue it's on sixth and I indecent I've done a couple times it's Gullman you did it with Schumer it is quite a room unreal one of the best venues in America I think I think he's

gonna shoot a special there which makes sense it's all Jewish theme big hebe so it's gonna be a big big show so we drive down there it's me big J. O'Kersen Sal Volcano Gary Veder and Ari all right and big Jay bought a car it's like a three-lane car what do you call it three levels three seats triple Decker triple you know it's one deck XL it's it's got three rows three rows a panel van of seats not that's all these cars are now sedans are out SUV it's not an SUV it's just a car it's a fucking stretch level SUV it's not an SUV though it's like a big vehicle what that's what all the cars are levels three rows I got a

car today at two levels three rows three rows yes two sets of bucket seats and then a bench in the back for Vita we put Vita in the back of course yeah well he got to do that he can go in the glove box so it was me and Sal in the middle and then we were it was a little sandwich of non-Jews right what do you call it Chicza a Hebrew Oreo maybe oh even though that sounds like something in your stomach lining oh yeah well you gotta abort that so we drove down we met a big J's house in the East Village oh well I don't put his address out there bleep that show but so we go down there and of course I'm the earliest one people tell

me say get there at 1230 I'll be there at first of I get there at 1210 yeah I'm just doing laps around and I'm like where I'm texting Ari I'm texting Gary and Ari's like just ring his doorbell you know I'm like I'm afraid I'm gonna be too early I don't know I don't be the first guy there be too early in a guy's house so it's freezing I'm just doing laps around the neighborhood and I finally buzz his door at like 1238 I was like alright now I'll act cool and then like he's in his pajamas Christine's in her pajamas yeah it's got a giant TV in that room huge T bigger than the living room then he throws on Howie Mandel's

special he just thinks you're a comic just toss this on yeah it's almost like having a child over and you just throw on bosom buddies or whatever kids watch what is it tell a tub yeah that's what I was thinking tell a tubby same show bosom buddy same thing equal of a good writing so he clicks on a much a much howie Mandel and which is not my cup of tea by the way he stinks so no rubber glove even yeah touch a germ maybe it'll get a good old joke out of you so I'm watching that witch at and it takes quite a while Ari it's his fucking thing he shows up a half hour later big J does the thing where he's like I'm jumping in

the shower I'm like we're supposed to meet her at 1230 what is that he jumps in the shower I don't know Vita gets there it's me and Vita and then Ari and then Sal he's late and you know it's a whole thing I've been there for 45 minutes yeah yeah that's how it goes in this business not to mention like I said I'm walking around for a half hour like I get two hours ago and I live the furthest away yeah but that's my own psychosis I suppose so anyways we sit there immediately we just start trashing everybody you know what I mean like you see that person's late night you see this guy special that guy's a bag of

shit he smells turds he's a small dick is the thing you're trashing but you're trashing with people you're not going on Twitter no no that's sorry's job so we just yeah we just we don't take to the Twitter we just talk about who stinks and who doesn't stick and we talked a lot who's great too which is always fun all right and so then we all hop in the car and it's there's nothing funer I've talked about this before when the whole show is in the car this is the show we're all dry we're not meeting anyone down there there's no local there's no whatever it's not like he's flying in I'll meet you there we're all in the

this car crashes there's no show right I hear you yeah this the car ride should be filmed that's where the comedy is happening I know with all everything's filmed now it's all filmed everything's a podcast it's easy to speak like we should think this podcast be like we have to have some things that are not podcast yeah great talk where it would talk and everything we went movie what through every comedy movie ever made we're like that one stinks this is great that's amazing best comedies blah blah blah just a good fun hang show is just sold out and like people know us down there they're comedy fans we get out of

the car there's people waiting because it's general admission like I read you like there's list and they're like who's the little guy in the back so people are listening oh they're listening this gaze everywhere yeah I guess so go gay got a Chipotle gift card that was exciting the show is killer Ari goes up and just rips it up top nice rushes that's new I go first I do the shit in the shoe story goes pretty well classic Vita goes next he's got a funny he's wearing leaderhosen up on stage that's fun Sal kills big J like destroys he brings it home he's got a gift we all jump back

in the car we stopped for snacks we're eating at Wawa big J's like obsessed with Wawa so we go there we all get sandwiches cookies the whole thing at one point Ari's gonna piss he's got a big thick dick so he has to piss sometimes yeah so he's like just pull over into this gas station I'll piss in the parking lot and so I'm immediately going why don't we piss in the bathroom I don't understand this is like the strangest thing I've ever seen we pull into a gas station parking lot and then he goes out to piss in the parking lot and I have to piss also but I'm like why am I using the parking lot I can't pee

near other people yeah outside so I try I get outside I just pull my dick out and I look I see an SUV coming over an actual SUV so I just dive back into the car cuz I'm like I don't know who this is could be a rapist whatever right right Ari has a joint he's smoking a joint and pissing his big thick dick they pull up they shine one of the lights it's a cop it's like an undercover PD whether these gays they go to these rest areas I fool around I think that's what's going on so he flashes a that's what they think they think that's they think you're thinking that's not what you're thinking so he flashes the big flood

light on Ari Ari's like sorry tuxes giant cock back in his pants exhales his joint gets in the car and they just look at it's like a stare down then they pull away they just leave a Jewish standoff and I'm like now this this is what they're talking about with white privilege everything's like that's white privilege this is white privilege and you're like I don't know about that this here there's like six of us in a van he's got his dick out he's pissing on private property with a joint in his mouth and they go I don't want it's cold out this is leave them yeah and so I was like that right there I think if we

were black would all be at least being shouted at at the very least it would be a situation of like why are you guys over here right you in the bathroom over there you got weed on you here it was a real thing at least a tazing yeah I was a little surprised we weren't tased and Sal he was ready to judge because he's a celebrity right and the cops and firemen they love him so he's like I would have had my head out that window so fast going hey just kidding yeah you're on the thing and I would have filmed it and been like we were filming an episode oh good move the impractical Joker scam not bad he's like oh the Joker's look different

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sounds like an action movie getroman.com slash Tuesdays that's getroman.com slash Tuesdays for a free online visit getroman.com slash Tuesdays and don't go limp again yes go online get checked by the doctor ED is a problem that guys don't tackle but with Roman it's really easy so take care of it yeah baby show me your hard one but anyways that was fun that was an eventful one and this is so fun being in the the gas station you're going what you go to candy bar we're sitting there for like a half hour you're like I'd go with this one or what you're gonna call it what are you kidding I want to snickers the whole

thing I love it I love all that chop it up that's what Seinfeld is based on the whole thing yes exactly we got back at 2 30 the morning we all hug out in the street Vita and I split a cab back and then it was off Wednesday which is a nice feeling slept in hung out watched the Bruins game they lost then Thursday morning Sarah and I fly out to Chicago shy town she's never been oh my god never been there's Bueller never been to Chicago never seen a great lake I told you last year we were in Madison we're looking at the lake she's like is this a great lake and maybe sad cuz I'm like when you see what a great lake is

you're gonna shit your pants this is a shit like and eat it yeah there's a creek so we go down there and I like I love taking someone around the city we went to the Billy goat tavern which she's not thrilled about she's not a big sports fan but SNL she's like I never liked that sketch I don't care about the cubs but I'm like but we don't drink anymore but it's still exciting yeah I love that place we went to the signature room at the what do you call it the Hancock Tower up on the 96th floor we eat what a view you could see the storm coming in it was snowy and all exciting and then my good pal Robert Kelly you

know what dude podcast go take a listen to that thing he's doing the laugh factory hey and he flew in Thursday to do media so Thursday after the show we rip it hot club at Zane he's packed shows all week Tuesdays everywhere that's our town we love it we love you coming out Chicago so many people brought gift cards Colleen and Dave they wrote their name down I don't know no one else wrote their name so thank you all you people that brought gift cards so you finish your show at Zane's and you want to meet Robert Kelly at the cheesecake factory no so he is at there's a cheesecake factory in the Hancock Tower though we

thought about going but we went local foods but he's with our buddy Aaron he's a comic as well great comic from Michigan who's last name escapes me I got Aaron Lansing in my phone I think you worked for him before Aaron Lansing that's not his last name though I gotta find out I'll put his last name in and post maybe Aaron Putnam Aaron good Paul so him and Aaron Aaron and Bobby are at this the Biggs mansion jeez he is big smoking a cigar they to go to this big old mansion to fit him in so it's a cigar lounge it's like ten minute walk from the club and Sarah she's got a couple friends in from high school so

she's like I gotta go hang with my friends I'm like I gotta go hang with my friends so it was a nice cordial agreed upon split up love a separation a nice split she went with her friends to the hotel very cool hotel Lincoln very hip oh that's where I stayed very hip they got a big Lincoln memorial mural yeah memorials in DC yes been there also I'm okay that's right big speech for your last yeah I have a dream thank God almighty so anyways I walk down there and it doesn't better than a great show when you fly in oh and they told me no media Friday no you get that no media news you just had a great set got a couple gift

cards met some Tuesdays Bobby's like we're ten minutes away having a cigar that's lunch I got that stroll I'm walking on air down great time and the cigar line is this huge mansion and upstairs in the mansion it's a club and a guest fee to go smoke 75 bucks that's a pretty penny to sit and watch the TV and smoke a cigar so I'm like what the hell is a membership cost yeah seems high but they go there's the other room non-members is downstairs you go downstairs in the basement of the mansion and it's the worst ventilated room I've ever been at there's 22 guys down there all smoking cigar just a cloud of shit smoke yep my

eyes are watering my assholes bleeding I see Bobby and Aaron there we hate the dough no no no this is the free room I'm sorry upstairs is the 75 bucks I got a free room is the basement and I heard a rumor afterwards they hotbox you cuz they want you to go pay the money make sense so there's no ventilation there's not one smoke eater no windows open just 22 guys smoking it's like the Irish section of the Titanic right it's just nasty balcony of the theater it's just brutal so we sit down there we're trying to have a conversation like every time I pull the cigar I'm like wow wow I got one eye open my nose is bleeding it's a

whole situation a steam room yes but smoke sure those are different yes Holocaust so it was just wild and we're like they but they want you to fucking go up there and pay the fee to get out of there so ever we have a great hang with their clothes and I'm starving I haven't eaten anything now I'm smoking I got a buzz off they like I'm gonna throw up Lou Melnati's you know Lou Melnati's I love Melnati's so that's that's open around the corner and it's about to close so I call ahead order a big giant deep dish Chicago classic Melnati's pizza I text down I said I'm coming home with a pizza she's like oh

my god I'm starving now this is a great feeling I got a cigar buzz met up with my friends had the great set she's starving I'm the hero coming in with a pizza yeah yeah wait outside it's a 25 pound pizza I show up I got two cold coax two diet coax I got a bad I'm like a dad yeah I left my daughter in the hotel she's fingering herself finding out about her body I come in with a hot pizza we watched the Australian open I'm eating pizza had a moment that I'm like this is the happiest I've ever been in my life wow I had sex with my wife we went around the city we went to the top of the Hancock Tower I met up with Bobby

had a great set I'm eating a pizza watching tennis it was the peak of my whole life why you're the sausage king of Chicago I'm a fromin baby yeah I don't understand about that I mean great movie one of my favorite movies all time changed my whole life what happened when Abe showed up come again they must still came yeah if you want to show up like a minute later huh it's also one of those scenes they talk about where cell phones would ruin it the guy would just Google Abe from it and be like no look at this a from it yeah those are the days you could really get a fast one on somebody yeah you can have quite a day off but

I'll kick it back to you and I got a couple more things I got another funny thing all right leather jacket suede vest devastatingly handsome you know what I never got on that movie is when he goes uh what do you think Ferris is gonna do well he's gonna be a fried cook on Venus at Venus what the hell's that mean I think we talked about this before we're in reruns here I don't know maybe that's a venue we don't know about I think it was an inside joke interesting another thing Google would help all right well so that night we do the show in Key West and right when I get down there I'm in just sleazy drunk lunatic wacko no

morals mode you know I'm all drinking and eating and I got a I got a pair of shorts on flip-flops I got my tattoos getting there it was just a great night the show was fun ripped it up then I went to like eight different bars with these guys Tommy and the whole gang took us out Madhouse yeah Joe yeah yeah and he runs the joint and we just lived it up we're drinking our faces on I've been trying to cool it with the booze but out there I'm like ah this is lawless this is no man's land let's get kooky I went to the green parrot and Mary Ellen's and the green room you name it so we go out all night I went to I ended up in a house

party I was like blacking out and coming back I was in a house party in a trailer on stock island stock island that's the island where all the losers and poor people live no kidding and that's where I ended up and it was I came to I was like laying on a bed with two Chihuahuas and a hoagie and I was like I gotta get the hell out of here so I got an Uber home Uber there ain't cheap oh really they maybe they hit you with the surge well Tommy Dustin told me that they fought Uber and then they've Uber fought back and the cab company said the only way you can have ubers if you're the same price as a cab oh interesting that's why it

ain't cheap so I get back to my little condo thing I wake up oh that night we met some comic their name Ian cool guy and he said hey you know I run these jet ski rooms or these rentals you should come by well I'm like yeah I'd love to write it I've never in a jet ski in my life that's the thing about that area is all the comics are in the service industry they all have a sailboat in the jet ski and toilet oh yeah so I wake up and Tom wakes up and you know he's a boozer so he can get up I haven't drank like this since the 80s so I wake up and like and I set my alarm this is drunk thinking I set my alarm for the free

hotel breakfast uh-huh which is I went to bed at 5 the hotel breakfast is 8 to 10 who so I set my alarm for 9 I wake up and this is what a piece of garbage I am I can barely walk I can't stand upright I'm like a homosexual and I still get the breakfast I could have slept but I had to get the breakfast breakfast is good so I go get the breakfast it sucked I went back I try to go back to bed I can't Tom Tex you want to go jet skiing I go yeah we go I pop an Adderall I can't leave because I'm so hungover I can barely get out of bed I'm like regarding Henry I'm trying to move a toe you know so I get out of bed we go jet skiing the Adderall

kicks in I'm having the time my life I'm on a jet ski I got the throttle pinned I'm in the Atlantic Ocean I'm standing up on that thing when you're on a jet ski in the middle of the ocean with an Adderall buzz yeah yeah you get some real thinking done well I've said it before I've said many times I think jet ski is the most fun you can have without sex it's really as fun as it gets to me it's it's the peak of living is you're outside you're on the water but you're flying those wakes and you could create your own way can hit it I'm telling you straight when I almost killed him yeah he told me that it was a real situation well the

thing about jet skis too is you don't need to be good at it I mean you need to know the how to run it and turn it on and turn but you don't need there's no like skill no that's not a skilled game you just turn and pull the throttle yeah exactly so you pick it up in 10 minutes I'd never done it before within 10 minutes I'm flipping and standing up I'm doing you know loop-de-loops even 10 minutes is quite a while to be honest well I'm slow so we get out there we're the middle of the Atlantic and he's like you might see some porpoise and some whales and I said what about her and I gotta laugh we had a good time I'm

farting I'm flying just the best time the sun's on you it was great the Adderall's cooking so now I go let's get out of here we parked those jet skis me and Tom hit the scene we just go day drinking oh it's a fun place that I always when Tom and I went there years ago famously yeah got robbed the horse yeah yeah we did two for once we would drink from like 10 to 4 yeah then sleep from 4 to 8 and then go out till 8 to 2 right you get double the drinking that's not bad it's pretty good I call it 2 for 1 I like notice the moment ago I got it yeah alright so we get we don't our bicycles that's a beauty we're just riding through these

streets Tom has this Cadillac of a bike he's got a fucking speaker on there so he's blasting the black keys he's got a drink cup holder so he's just sipping vodka tonic while we're just wearing shorts riding around in the sun half in the bag in Key West it was the best day I had that same moment you did like I'm just riding through a neighborhood it's all these beautiful houses lush blue sky half drunk just off a jet ski Adderall tingling my asshole just living the dream it's a fun place to be it really is there's nothing like it you pass by eight parents and a peacock and a Jew it's perfect so so then we're just

walking around the harbor and all this we go get a drink here we listen to some live music there we get an oyster here and then the sun sets it's the prettiest sunset I've ever seen in my life Mallory Square only place the sun sets in the water on the east coast yeah that's their claim anyways yeah also the the lowest point or most southernmost point is a lie oh because the coast guard is right yeah they built the coast guard yes now that's the most selling spot you know who wants to ruin some kids dreams some poor make-a-wish so we go out we do the show the show is a little bumpy I killed the first night second night I

had some some some people walked out and shit well here's the thing that the show is tricky for all the same reasons Key West is great how so you got a bunch of weirdos and poets and deadbeats and there's some white trash sprinkled in you know what I mean it's a it's a potpourri so all the things that make it wild and fun and wacky and weird make the show tricky yeah there's a bunch of wackos and fuck ups in the audience that are like what yeah there's some there's some pedophiles and some drunks but then you got like the weird rich right wing lady with white hair yeah that's just the lineup

hey hello so yeah had a great time we did the show we went out drinking again woke up the next day got breakfast got some Cuban breakfast with cafe coffee with milk and jump on a plane to Miami land in Miami go straight to the hotel take a shower walk to the gig at Magic City Casino MCC yeah just whoa what a gig airplane hangar Tom is Tom has never worked out of day in his life he's sore from the from from the jet ski he could barely move oh wow we had to go it's okay well you know you're hitting those waves it's like riding a horse all right we're getting old he we're getting old and he's 61 already and he's you

know he's got whiskey running through his veins you know it's not muscle so he could barely go up the stairs he looked like an old guy who got anally raped he could barely step he's the guy like the guy from the flight he's what he's the guy from the flight exactly he's got AIDS so we do this gig and the guy Dom is super nice and it's this is a highlight court that's where we're playing wow what's the age on the audience well we had some Tuesdays come out so I want to say thanks to those homos but it was it was about maybe 150 people that it probably could see 4000 and nice everybody's super nice as Lady Ellen was hosting and she

was like oh my god I can't believe you're here we're all fans it was cool and there's sandwiches in the green room but you know Tom goes out rips it up and Landry showed up wow he was happening to be in Miami good guy Landry's no Joe he's a killer he killed great guy killer act he's got a big fluff of black and white hair yeah he looks he's got Troy Paula Malov hair yes Paul Malov so fun time I kind of bombed you know did an hour to some mixed reviews and but I got off stage and like all the Tuesdays were very nice a lot of handshake a lot of photos so after the Tuesdays leave I checked my pockets some Tuesdays slipped

in two joints for Xanax and a big blotter of acid what into my pocket who's this fucking lunatic one of the twos baby that's a lot of drugs yeah I'm on all right now but no I gave Tom the joints I kept the Zanny and I gave some fat chick the acid oh my yeah so she's on the moon right now who knows where she is she's in the sixth and I and by the way that would that should be the name of my flight six tonight yeah it was a temple oh I see yeah so we go out now now we're feeling good we got a couple cocktails in this from the show my friend Kyle grooms hi no Kyle Kyle he's a Miami guy now Miami guy love Kyle we've done a

bunch of gigs in the past he text because hey I see you're in town I'm doing a midnight show at the improv oh wow come by what else are we doing so we all go to the improv and Tom's like I'm gonna do some scouting you know scout for Key West because he's got Miami they call oh he's a booker he's a booker hilarious he's industry yes TJ Booker so funny enough the headliner that night before the midnight show is TJ Miller wow this all comes around coming together baby and so I go oh I know TJ so I go in the green room he's like I don't what the hell are you doing here he's wearing a wacky outfit it's called colorful he looks like

a sin bad and a special for the 90s and he's like oh what are you doing have some food so we're all hanging out in the green with TJ and TJ goes on and he's got some good stuff and he's sold out room did you see he sent out a tweet he said anybody who works for the government I'll let you in for my show for free oh wow nice so it's filled up it was a genius idea yeah that makes sense and very nice and thoughtful so he rips it up he does a whole thing on stage he kills it we all hang out the midnight show starts hottest crowd ever and TJ's are all do a sit on that so they got to see TJ and Kyle Grooms went on and I went on and I

got off stage and Tom's like let's get the hell out it's a lot of comedy yeah and I get it so we shook hands with TJ had a long comedy talk with him he's in a he's in an interesting place I'll tell you that and here's the thing went back to the hotel passed out had an early flight back home but everybody kept saying watch out that snow you're not gonna get out of here I know the snow now you really want to get into some travel fiasco I'm gonna try to zip through this all right zip it through zip it up and zip it out all right so here we go wake up in Miami free breakfast at the hotel flight is at 11 30

8 to 10 not bad so I got up at 9 packed brushed my teeth put some water on my face put a butt plug in went downstairs ate the breakfast got my suitcase and I was about to Uber to the airport and lady goes why would you ever there's a shuttle bus and I go I'll take the shuttle bus but I go what times the shuttle bus she goes 10 I go all right I want to be the airport of 10 30 how far is way the airport 10 minutes great all right take the 10 p.m. 10 a.m. shuttle they run every half hour so I go let me go take a whiz first I take a whiz whiz turns into a shit I missed the bus oh come on but the plane and the bus what

are you doing I missed the bus for the same reason I missed the plane but I lied that time this time it was real wow that's like karma Kramer yes so I go all right all right I'm an idiot I missed the shuttle bus let me just Uber I fucked up so I get to the fucking airport it's 10 28 I'm right on time get to the airport get through security I'm clear you know yeah yeah the clear yeah clear so I go clear get right in I'm unpacking cuz you gotta throw your laptop in the bin clear you have to put the laptop in the bin yeah they get you the clear is getting through the line what clear is the line the precheck is is line and

check well that seems silly clear is supposed to be better than precheck it sounds like clear is worse than precheck no no clear if the line is eight miles long if the precheck line is four miles I still get first all right but the security is the same it's all about the line all right all right I thought clear was like you just walk right through you don't even have to go through the thing no no you can't get through security oh all right that seems weird well either way it has saved my life a few times so this you know I get through I get to the bin I take my bag out I open it up no laptop I left it in the

room oh I'm losing it fuck hard I know what are you doing I don't know I'm slipping maybe you've almost missed every flight yeah in the history of the podcast too cocky I'm stealing but blowing people but there's no getting you've been like this the whole podcast the history of the podcast you've almost missed every single flight and you've missed a couple too I missed one I mean this is insane all right so I got no laptop you missed one earlier today in this one that's what I'm saying I'm slipping well you missed Arizona too what do you mean earlier today in this podcast you missed a flight in this

episode all right so I've said I missed one that's two that's two at least now I'm slipping at least two two from the slipping you've been slipping since you were 12 well it's a slippery slope all right I got my name and then you know you stay tripping ah yes trip wire or drag I can't remember trip or gore all right so now I'm like god damn it I'm so close to being home and I fucked my asshole again so I call the hotel and I go I got an idea because I can't make it back and then make it back in time way back and back again wait what do you mean well I could go to the hotel pick it up and then come back off of the computer

I go to security all over again but it's already 1030 plane boards at 11 oh so you put it on the shuttle that's what my plan was that's not a bad plan not a bad plan but now you're gonna trust the shuttle driver with the computer I'll do it okay he could look at your porn's that's fine I'll show him I don't care so I go hey hey Marriott Hampton in sweets deluxe can you take the computer out of my room put it on the next show the 11 p.m. or 11 a.m. and she goes ah let me check with house I'm like no no just go do it just go do it it'll take four minutes put the elevator button on for go up open the door it's on my bed grab

it put it on the shuttle you're done she's like well I got I can't leave the post and I'm like fuck the post general mills is better Saturday evening post yes so she's like I can't I don't know what to do and I go let me speak with the represent I'm in panic mode I'm in like white lady mode here I'm like let me talk to the manager shut down that lemonade stand where's your permit so I go hey hey just just go do it just go do it I swear to God I'll take two seconds I'm sorry she's like I can't let me put you on hold so now I'm on hold I'm like oh it's all ruined yeah it's not gonna work so I'm thinking about coming back

should I go there should I just risk it so I go up to the security guy I'm like can I leave my bag with you I'll go through I tell him the whole story is like I can't watch your bag it's illegal I'm like sir please have some humanity and it's all insurance stuff I can't because if they respond to your laptop then they can sue you exactly laptop breaks you go I'm suing the shuttle they took my laptop the whole thing so I go well can you so I call him back and it's obviously not gonna work with the shuttle and I've missed the 11 a.m. by this point so I go can you just ship it overnight and they go all right let me

put you on hold we got to put you off with FedEx I'm like I fuck now I'm boarding the plane nothing's going down so I'm in line with the plane and the guy goes well well well well overheads full fatty again with the full overhead get me with the overhead I go last time they said the overhead was full and now I'm kind of in a in a tizzy because my my laptop situation of course so I go look they told me it was full last time the guy goes hey hey they tell us we we start checking that's it we check your bag and I go I'm telling you man I bet there's room and he goes there's not room give me your bag I'm putting a tag on it and

I go I'm tell you I'll give you a 20 bucks if there's not room and he's like shut up when he hates me this guy hates me so he goes all right he goes to print out the bag ticket and I I run on the plane that's how you got to do it right on the plane I couldn't believe I was I looked like Jerry with the marble rye I was like that terrified fail running down the the jetway what is that thing the jetway yeah what is a fuselage fuselage is something that comes off of the plane I think that's like how it makes up the plane like this covered in fuselage like foreskin I think I don't I think there's like the panels and stuff it all

becomes fuselage like debris no right so fuselage is bad I think fuselage is debris John Fugl saying that's who I was thinking about I don't know either way call in if you know what that is so I just book it I just run on the plane and the lady at the door I could tell she was like how do you get a bag on but I just ran in guess what not full not full by a long shot I'll tell you what's full him of baloney you got that right yes so I go whoa talking about beating the system I throw my bag up and eight different bins I'm all over the place I'm putting my shoes in the overhead just to take up room I'm just I'm so proud

of myself I fuck you American you can suck it so now I'm sitting pretty had a great flight this 38 it's like once again it's like Brooklyn Heights over there in that area it's Williamsburg it's all Jews they go to Miami that's what it is I've heard that yes so I fuck you I snuck the bag on feeling good it's all Jews I saw bar mitzvah happen I saw one to bris and then we all had some man of Shevitt so we landed safely in New York did four sets that night and it's good to be back so you made the flight though made the flight now the computer should be arriving momentarily should be here on Wednesday Wednesday I called them

today and they just shipped it and the overnight was a hundred and thirty dollars cock suckers and the two day was 70 that's not bad yeah it's not great it's a $70 fuck up on my part yeah that's a bummer yeah but hey I'm home safe it's good to see your fat ass and what do you get me with your thing all right well I only got a few minutes left here I got a little while I liked it I took it right in the face you got to spread your butter yeah baby well we had you know that the airlines are just crazy and kooky these days because there's when we flew out to Chicago I never heard this no no story really but we get on the

plane and everyone says get there early the whole thing because of TSA we went there we're prechecked nobody in line whatsoever we just walked right through zero with zero problems no shut down with their two hours early then we get on the plane but this is LaGuardia I don't even know if it's shut down just the airport's fucked the guy comes on he goes we're number 30 for takeoff I've never heard anything like that in my life I was in that line with you usually a number four or five you know so I've heard 14 was the craziest number I've ever heard 14 little young 30 yeah number 30 for takeoff it's about two minutes per

plane oh my it was crazy we were out there for an hour but you get the hour back or whatever but just insane yeah they say number 30 for takeoff and a couple things real quick I got a few things whatever yeah this is a fun one so Bobby's at the Laugh Factory on Friday I met Zane he's two shows Wolf Michelle Wolf is at the theater on Saturday so we were all in town at the same time how do you like that I like it a lot and Jerry freed with her what what are they doing a co-thing no she's he's opening for her oh okay huge don't you know I forget I forget yeah she was she's so big that she I

watched what do you call it crashing and they're like you know Michelle Wolf like she's like that kind of person now which is so crazy to me because I remember meeting her like three years ago yeah yeah we're just chums or whatever it was we were doing mics together we were drinking together so it's gonna be six years ago at least but anyway anyways that's here and over there so anyways Bobby's at the Laugh Factory he does his show eight o'clock his shows sold out all these people are coming over they're like we went to Bobby last night we're here for you tonight a lot of guys went to his eight o'clock show and then shot over

for our 10 o'clock show like comedy fans are the best so exciting they're all coming to both which was so fun so I'm up to you know the green room at Zane's is like upstairs and then once the show starts the box office becomes like the back door yes so I hear the doorbell ring downstairs in the back and there's like a lady that opens the door down there and I just hear her go hold on one second you can only hear her talking she's like okay hold on she shuts the door the big steel door it's like that she yells up Graham there's two creeps out here and the guy's like what and I'm like I get nervous cuz I'm like what is

this these guys are snuck down a back alley of his creeps and so I get like that anxiety and he's like what do you mean creeps she's like I don't know two guys they're really creepy they're trying to get in he's like oh god here we go then I just hear him be like oh yeah sorry fellas nothing we can do the door slams and I'm like what was that about I'm glad they didn't let him in my phone rings it's Bobby he goes hey we just tried to get in they wouldn't let us in the two creeps are Bobby and Aaron and I go what is this they just look I'm like what and then he Bobby acts that afterwards yeah he's down the alley and

you know he's a big guy he's like looking at his phone so his face is like underlit he's got a big hood on and then Aaron's like a grizzled guy yeah and so she just saw him was like they're like get these fucking weirdos out of here so thought they were like the Galooly's or whatever I thought it was Cosby and Kelly I was like who could this be no it was Bobby and Aaron but there's a cigar lounge next door to the club so as soon as I finish I swing over there and I told a bunch of fans I'm like Bobby's next door so a bunch of people went over there to say hello and stuff which was exciting yeah and then we all walked

back we went to Walgreens did the same thing bought a bunch of weird shit walked in this and this is a snowstorm now it's like whipping around snow we all walked back together have a few laughs push each other into the bushes Saturday I make love Bobby watches nice fun what a creep beautiful night and then Saturday I went to the Art Institute I'll make this quick the best museum in the world I can't not go there it's spectacular pancreas they got the Nighthawks over there and they got the old man playing the guitar that blind piece of shit the Monet and the man a the tippy tippy day day all that stuff is

over there but there's one woman walking around and I think I turned my wife on a little bit she's doing this thing where she has no space everywhere you're standing she kept just physically bumping in it by like a 25-year-old woman she's taking photos of every single painting never looks at a painting just walks up takes a photo photo photo and it's just bumping people like Elboy people standing right in their way so like this lady's fucking crazy we watched her walk up to a random little Asian guy and just like stood right in front of him the guy did like a hi like he got startled and like walked away so

this woman's a bully I hate this woman I'm gonna go do it to her yes so I walked her I boxed her out like fucking Dennis Rodman and just stood there right in front of her and she was like oh and then she moved and I went and did it again and Sarah loved it that's hot yeah she was like that was hot that was a turn on I'm like I'm bullying a young lady but I can do that all day if you want me to yeah whatever you're into but what's good for the ghost is good for the gander yeah I for an eye and then we just started following this lady around she became like her own museum piece we're like cuz it was so fascinating but she

knew she was on to us or she kept looking at us giving us the stink guy we gave her the evil eye and then we all farted gonna give her the crook guy mmm but that was fun our Institute was great flew back yesterday and the there was one more thing but I don't even want to get into it but the flight was at 7 30 a.m. so we had to get up at like 5 because Chicago you can't focus that traffic it's a snowstorm so we wake up at 5 a.m. go to the airport the flights delay were there for three hours but you went to bed with this 1115 show so we finished it like 130 we're back at 2 then we eat a late night McDonald's with

Mike Cronin meat who I love one of my favorite guys boy that diet ears I'll tell you yeah deep dish the Mickey D's the coke what are you gonna do you got a jog a little bit I mentioned that some huge smoothies took some wild shits there we go all green the whole thing so then wake up yesterday 5 a.m. go to the airport land back-to-back football games the Patriots game was the most insane game I've ever seen in my entire life I'm flipping out I'm breaking furniture Sarah is terrified of me she doesn't understand she's literally like scared of me she hates the whole thing four hours I'm calling my dad I'm calling

my uncle I'm calling my sister the whole thing they win of course going back to Super Bowl you can all blow me fuck it fuck you right in the ass the hate with them I don't get that hate because they're there every year and they people hate winners they hate it the first year they played the Rams and everyone's rooting for because it was 9-11 they were underdogs Brady was a kid but once you win one the very next two years later that everyone hates them again it's a weird microcosm of I guess it's pretty macro but it's a it's weird that's what you do with Rhonda Rousey with celebrities the celebrity gets big then they

fuck up people love it yeah they go after him but they just keep what I just sat on a remote or something the TV just popped on boy k-porn but the game was insane I was just exhausted I mean it's like physically and emotionally exhausting I'm on no sleep came to the village undergrad a 1 a.m. spot yeah I woke up at 5 a.m. yeah spots at 1 a.m. got home at 3 I was up for 22 and a half hours the craziest day of my life today I went to bed this never happens to me woke up at 11 30 slept right through from like 3 o'clock to 11 30 love it never had that happen in my life or not since I was a child crazy people do that every

night isn't that amazing unbelievable I mean I wake up four times to piss three times have a panic attack I puke once I jerk off twice yeah I've seen it but anyways we're I mean we're up over time they're gonna shoot us right in the legs I think we picked it up here fatty I hope so I hope it was okay I hate myself I'll be thinking about it all day we had Jews and AIDS and temples and Ari and Vita and shitting and smoothies and Chicago I really we cooked it up I know but last week was better well you can't just on them all last week was an all-timer and a golden god this was a you know a one-timer let me say this though

to these Patriot haters at some point same with LeBron you gotta just stop and go you know what let me just enjoy greatness the Tom Brady people they're like Brady sucks he threw a peck he did this and fuck and like if you're a sports fan you're missing out on one of the great things that's ever been accomplished I don't get it my nephew's going nuts over there he wasn't even born when they won the first one it's crazy I was 20 I was 20 years old I'm 37 it's crazy he's 41 I mean you play fucking off his ass Bella checks insane Edelman's crazy too crazy fuck ups and they just unbelievable they're down the

stretch yeah and the chiefs fans you'll win one don't worry he's 23 this kid and he was unbelievable himself but just sit back and enjoy the greatest coach quarterback of all time right they've been in half the Super Bowl since Brady's been playing it's insane he has more playoff wins than any other quarterback has playoff appearances yeah well games gonna be started on Louie but yeah the whole thing's crazy I don't get it I don't get the hate it seems cool to hate the big dog for some reason it's it's hack just enjoy it just go wow this is great it's the same with LeBron and Jordan in the 90s people like fuck him I

hate this he does that he does that well it's obviously people love him but most people a lot of people hate him yeah and you'd go if you love the game just enjoy the highest level that it can be played at I agree it's insane and he's defying the odds and people are like oh this isn't gonna be interesting it's the Patriots again I'm like it's Patriots Rams again it's Boston LA Boston LA World Series Boston LA Super Bowl I'm going to LA the day after comedy store February 6th me and San Maril go headlining 10 30 p.m. I'm doing court in that week what a week Patriots gonna win the Super Bowl then I'm going to LA the

next day I'm gonna go sticking up all their asses although there's no real LA Rams fans who were kidding me about anything but themselves and their looks anyways we got a fucking wrap this thing up my god this is a record center sorry folks yes for this weekend comedy on state in Madison from me come see me at comedy on state in Madison next week Royal Oak Michigan get those tickets come on out bring the gift the Uber gift cards by the way are changing my life because I'm using Uber Eats tell you man they're the best I love the Uber Eats so thank you for the gifts and from the bottom of my fart I mean it's

really so generous and kind and you don't have to I get so many people going I don't have a gift card that's okay it's okay we're glad to see it I appreciate you coming and buying the tickets the support means a lot it really does and it goes a long way because Uber Eats there's a lot of expenses out there especially traveling with the wife and a friend yes family so thank you all for doing it it's so kind we appreciate listening we're happy to be part of your lives get those tickets comedy on state this weekend Royal Oak Michigan next weekend and then February 10th the week after this we will we're doing our

apartment show again canter and I we got Ron Bennington is gonna be there and I can't remember who else is there I think Aaron Jackson is on the show I like murdered last night she's a killer PS 109 Upper East Side always a fun cool show so come out to that what else is up other the patrice benefit the life our live pot is next week next Tuesday don't forget yes let's sell that puppy out we got salvo canny yes that's gonna be something trees benefit boy we're cooking baby it's a big February Super Bowl live pod Royal Oak Michigan black history and then Key West I'll be down Key West and comedian Joe list comm and

thank you for all the gifts I can't thank you enough it's insane how many Chipotle gift card Starbucks gift cards Uber but Uber and Starbucks I think at this point for me are preferable I mean I got Chipotle's spilling out of my pockets Uber all day baby I'll trade you some Starbucks for some Ubers if you want to do a little card off that's not bad well Chipotle is what I have too many of Uber I could never get too much of cuz I eat it right I eat Uber Uber eats yes so do humans I ride them alright I'm in Hilarity's Cleveland who you want to talk February over there then I'm going skiing with Ari I think we

want to Denver we're doing some shows it no no no Salt Lake City Salt Lake City wise guys so I'll be with Christia and Ari and Patton it'll be a good hang it's gonna be a magical little weekend there then a Hilarity's Cleveland with fat Crissel Raleigh North Carolina Good Nights one of my favorites funny bone Syracuse one of my least favorites helium in Philadelphia my all-time favorite so it's a lot of ups and downs and then Comedy Castle Royal Oak I'm nipping on your fat heels there Ohio State University oh the Ohio State University yes then Comedy Club on state doing my album recording just to get some audio

down I got to get some new shit on Pandora and Sirius and Spotify and you name it laughing skull Atlanta love Atlanta the hot Lana roar Comedy Club Springfield mass I've heard that one could be up and down and a lot of good stuff after that bananas and Hasbrook again you name it blow me see you in hell thanks for listening tell a friend sorry this one wasn't as good as last week where we picked it up and God bless America kiss you dad and praise our life