Tuesdays with Stories! - #284 Cat Chat

Episode Date: February 12, 2019

Mark & Joe are back with a piping hot ep as Joe deals with the twists and turns of going on the Late Late Show with James Corden and Mark has a great weekend in Cleveland take a dark turn. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy yeah it's old uncle Joe and old auntie mark hello that was a good aunt oh thank you yeah no problem you don't see a lot of

you who anymore you the the beverage yeah no I was never you who got I like oh I hated you you know I make my own chocolate milk and I used to go her she first then pour the milk on top that's ballsy that's not good but that way you could see the amount you're putting in I like to see the percentage I was a visual guy disappears when you put the milk first yeah you put the milk first it just goes in there like coming in an ass you gotta you gotta eyeball it yeah I don't like the eyeball I like eyeball chambers what the hell's that like a skull fuck I'm gonna stand by me oh the film not the song I see well remember

the show step-by-step of course day by day Cody the retarded cousin who lived in the basement love Cody yeah he was a surfer return yes he actually got in trouble for beating his wife in real life oh I was watching with my mom once and she was like I hate this guy I was like how do you hate Cody oh yeah beat his wife or his girlfriend and it was in the paper I was like oh I don't read the paper I'm six Cody made the parents apparently good for Cody I guess you haven't seen him since by the way no well I mean that's that's power for the court you play a retard on a TGIF sitcom in 87 but yeah I guess Matt LeBlanc was

a retard and he was in friends I haven't seen him around or I guess he's been on HBO but he's got a TV show what are you talking about he's man with a plan well there go that kills your retard point what he wasn't what do you mean he was there he was half a tarred he was like how you doing I like sandwiches I'm Italian he was just a dumb dumb oh he was a dumb dumb all right well Cody would take milk he would drink milk I thought this was pretty I remember he would chug milk and hold it in his mouth then he would take the uh-huh put that is about then just swish it around yes and then he would have chocolate isn't that

funny how that lingers I have that same thanks I don't remember much about the show I remember the sexy guy from Dallas and then the hot chick from the the videos the way who the hamstring oh oh I'm some of the summers Suzanne summers and then I forget the husband's name he was a hunt me a spring yeah he was in Dallas I think what was his name Luke Perry oh Pat Duffy Pat Wow great pull pull wow you're a step-by-step fucking master maybe I am well the kid on the show's name was Mark remember when you were kid and somebody had your name but you had everybody in your name you got the most popular name I can't think of a

big Joe though bazooka Joe sloppy Joe well that's not great GI Joe oh GI Joe was something I never got into that because it was a cartoon I told what happened before right at a very young age for five I was off of cartoons already oh really yeah I wanted a live action no Simpsons you miss them well Simpsons is a comedy I like it in the Simpsons comedy's okay that's like an adult thing that's an adult show sure but also for kids but I'm talking like GI Joe he man thunder cats that was all I'm with you I got out of there really yeah I wasn't even in a sci-fi that early like I got out of that pretty quick and wrestling I

might add some of these kooks with their wrestling this 88 year old guys I love macho man what are you getting yeah well that we've people think that about me we might talk to this before because I did the ultimate warrior yes because I was way into wrestling from 88 to 93 I mean I was I was I was as into wrestling as you are step by me step by step you're making a face what's going on just just checking the okay we're good the levels are good okay good levels but the levels so we got a week over the weekend no producer well we have a producer but he's not here he lives in an ivory tower we gotta get Shelby down here I don't want

home I don't put him in a cupboard or something we should get a spot a place love you showbo you know maybe we'll get him a little box or something no I said us we'll get like a little like a rug with a roof wait wait what should we get a studio I've thought about this I don't know we lose our margins we've got some options but they're on like the East Village yeah I had a girl come up to me last night because I got a podcast studio I was like really so you could use it where is it Bushwick oh come on I'm done with Brooklyn I might not ever sit foot in Brooklyn again

don't let the hipsters hear that oh wait what was I talking about wrestling oh people think because ultimate warrior people think I'm a wrestling guy now like you watch SummerSlam and I'm like I watched it in 1992 yeah when it mattered yeah I grew out of that in 92 you were what 11 10 April of ours April WrestleMania 6 happened I think on my birthday of memory serves 1990 it was like my eighth birthday and that was like the biggest event of my life oh wow and then after that I kind of faked it was so great and then you kind of go alright you fizzle yeah I fizzle a little bit it's kind of sad to fizzle

that's a part of childhood nobody talks about the fizzling but I think you're supposed to fizzle you're supposed to fizzle but I think a lot of it is a sadness to the fizzle which is why people hang on that's why you see a 48 year old guy in a Thor shirt right cuz I don't think he wants to fizzle remember remember the last days of trick-or-treating those last couple years were a little bit of a bummer now I'm an early fizzler I think I've always been old beyond my year I don't say why it sounds like I'm complimenting myself I got some wisdom but yeah I was out on trick-or-treating early also because my

across the street for me was Eric Chalmers great guy and he was very creative he had his own like haunted house situation and we got involved like a production over there which was funner than trick-or-treating yeah we would do a thing my role I was like the runt of the litter over there he would come out as Dracula they had the spooky music and then this other guy Jim Cranch y'all he wore a monster mask and I would pretend to be a trick-or-treater I was an actor and I would walk in front of the local kids being like hi mister and then he would come out as a werewolf and just fucking pummel me I throw the candy

everywhere we'd quickly scoop it all up and do it all over again you were like a grifter yeah so I got tackled like 500 times in a row but you took it for the show for the for the good of the show and so that's what we got into I was like way funner so that was like early show biz that's fat now do you charge charge you get a couple shills no no it was just part of it was theater what do you call that the round organic theater mind improv everywhere no live theater personal what's that fucking private dancer fuck is that a thing what are we talking personal theater theater maybe you do it out in the park like all of a

sudden just happens summer stage you do it for people that are just sitting there aha you know what I mean boner guerrilla warfare Vietnam a rumbay McNamara that doesn't matter calling if you know yeah someone's probably yelling it I'm sure that's great though I think hanging out with an older gang it sharpens a kid it makes you step it up well I've always been older and this is now like the first time in my life where I'm starting to be with people majority younger than me that's never really happened because when I started doing comedy my neighborhood was all everyone hangs out in the street yeah I was like

the youngest one my family I had cousins and my sister and my uncles were all four or five years older than me so I was always the young I was the baby for quite a while there baby as well then comedy I started was 18 so everyone was like in the 30s and 40s so that whole time I was the youngest yeah and now it's starting to come around where I'm like I got you know Steve Rogers blowing me Ian Philance by the way Ian finance not happy about Ian Philance oh he's taking over your weird face has been outmatched yeah Ian finance is gonna have to you know move or change his name yeah yeah if Ian Philance starts fucking trannies

it's over so we already had he's got that look in his eye he's killed one he might be one yeah that's true he's got beautiful eyeballs yeah he's a good kid funny guy and people loved him on the pod oh he's so damn endearing he's like a little bedwetting virgin yeah we should have a roast battle Ian Philance versus Ian finance oh I would pay for that that would be a good show we'll do it for charity there you go theater of the round yes what's that free theater fuck me hard we can't stay on it because people will get upset volunteer firefighter no hold on free the theater for the people public theater public theater it's like

if we went and did a thing out in Greenwich Village community theater that's not it either it's something but it might not even be theater it doesn't matter we'll figure it out afterwards Shelby maybe Shelby can plug something in right here public access now that could be a good porn title you know if a girl just stands out in a park and let's people really oh that's fun that'd be a nice gesture sure I wouldn't know I might pop in yeah yeah I'll watch oh we're recording right oh how about this speaking of public theater fun jam everyone's like a New York City jam especially on recording podcast day this

isn't a story just a fun little nugget a fun brown nugget I get off the subway at 72nd Street going to see Alan our therapist I'm really in my head I'm a mess right now we're gonna do that later I walk off and just timed perfectly I'm at the 72nd Street like Amsterdam Broadway where it all connects yep crazy homeless guy white fellow weird eyes big mushing what mushing tops what do you call these mutton chops mutton chop sideburn pulls the drawers down crouches down like Rich Gedman behind home plate just takes a big old shit right into the sewer the drain oh that's a slider right into the crack and see his pimples on

his ass and his butt pubes and just and it was a quick one too like I don't know what he's eating but evidently rain and kale yeah pigeons and shoot I don't know what it was but it just came right out like a nice and you cut the boom boom traveling out of the anal well I had to kind of look away but then you kind of look back like yeah your head just is drawn because I saw him pulled up drawers down and bent down yeah yeah a couple the number one for the old fastball sure and I looked away because I felt horrific and sad at the same time didn't shake it off that's a bad sign I didn't then I glance so I checked the

runner I glance over I just saw the very tail end of it just going to and by the way he got it right into the one of the crack like it went in that's a homer because it's hard yeah because there's a lot of great yes not him he's not great oh g rate yes it's not that much space but he just looped it right in and I don't know where that sewer well I don't know that's in the ocean or what that's our water it's going right to pinkberry I don't know where that's going but you're not grateful no I'm not full of great I'm grateful for Alan's I feel a little better but wow man that's a quite a visual I mean can you imagine the tourist

wacko from Wyoming coming here just going baby finally in the big apple gonna take in the sites holy hell look at this hobo squatting in the fucking sewer great midday by the way I had a 345 appointment so this is right around 338 in the afternoon a BM it was a good one that I overheard a lady this is on 72nd Street and she's like ah great papaya still there grace but but she's like they can gentrify this neighborhood as much as they want but they can't take away graze papaya but do I not understand gentrification because I feel like the Upper West Side has always been an affluent white Jewish neighborhood and

it continues to be do I do I misunderstand that word well you know these words they keep morphing and swishing and swashing to whatever people want it's kind of like when they say diversity like it's an all-black lineup and they go it's a good diversity and you're like well that's not diversity it's all black right I think these were or he's very brave and you're like no he's just a fat guy who's shirtless right I don't know they all keep changing so who knows I thought gentrification meant like it was like an African-American neighbor or an Asian neighborhood or whatever neighborhood and then all these other

groups particularly affluent white people come in and change the neighborhood to being to making the money go up isn't that what gentrification means that's or is it not how it goes down but I think it is a money thing I don't think it matters what race but the Upper West Side has always has been for the last at least since the 70s I believe yeah it was a little little hairier shadier at parts yeah yeah but I feel like the insomnia building has been there for the that's been the picture of wealth and and predominantly Jewish and remains so am I crazy I think you're right but I think she's referring to the corporation

that's what I think she means but that's not what gentrification I don't think so either I think but I could be wrong I could be different variations of the edges but typically when people say gentrify you don't think of the Upper West Side right you think of Bushwick or you know Harlem Bed Stuy Bed Stuy yes other neighbors that now hipsters are living in right right but the East Village was predominantly punk rock pollock and Germany immigrants and then that got gentrified by a bunch of you know real estate high-rise cunts interesting so that is there it doesn't have to it can be white on white crime okay I see but

it's usually whitey on blacky I got you from what I can gather all right we're learning this is public access like learning it's fun to learn well I mean I don't know what you want to get into you want me to get into what you want me to do here I'm dying to hear about your television appearance what what what is this fifth six late night for you fifth late night I've done cuz LA is a whole sort of affair here I'll put my toe in I'll get out I'll put my dick in I got a little on cleave and then I gotta I had lunch with my dad today and I gotta get into that oh boy well I'd kill for lunch with my dad I still haven't heard

from him late night but nothing well he Instagram commented he threw an Instagram comment about the least amount of interaction I know I don't wait interact a comment what can you do Jesus Phil name I don't want to give out his name Steven rich Steve Steve Rogers big Nick Rogers Steve Rogers seem like the kind of guy that can have a huge cock you don't realize I could see that yeah thick old piece boy you brought him up four times this episode now well I was no I think I was pretty off-stage about how great he is that I'd mentioned him during the episode I think you like the kid something's not nice don't he's a

fine kid but I just feel like he might have a huge cock he might if I had seen or sucked his cock I wouldn't know well I will say his gal that he's that he's railing now currently is taller than him and a little more sturdy so maybe he's got some some wood down there he's got a plank I don't know well he's also he's also charming and funny guy he's a sweet guy I've had eight people tell me he's doing me by the way eight oh hey you gotta watch over this kid he's doing like I met the kid he's nice I don't think he's doing me I think he has a similar voice you get a back of the throat flinty I think that's how his

little nasally drone but I don't think I don't think so I think that he's he's got his own he's got his own problems I'll say well he's got a huge hog he's got a lug around I'm not saying definitively he does I'm just saying he seems like the kind of guy that might have a nice cock it'd be a fun twist in the movie if the the Nutty Professor had a wacky banana between his legs he's got a he's got a Colbert coming out he did Colbert he's a sweet guy he's very funny kill Tony speaking to kill Tony I went to Los Angeles the city of Aynes fifth late night I gotta let him in two conans of Fallon and now a cordon did

you notice they're all CO's Colbert cordon and Conan how about that I did not notice and by the way I confused cordon and Colbert because I don't watch either show they're both co-blank and so I said Colbert about three times while I was at cordon which is weird wow that's funny I was like well the thing with Colbert and they're like Colbert I'm like yeah I caught it whatever the fuck whoever this guy is it is a lot yeah maybe your dad watched Colbert maybe that's why I missed you I'd have been looking for Steve Rogers is giant cock ah Steve Rodgers there we go

jurors germs I don't know Jerry's out Jerry Seinfeld Jerry duty I'm in the sewer whatever alright so how was LA hit it right on Splinter's head la la land I went to Los Angeles great city fine city you know I feel about LA it's a great town I love LA I flew out there boy I did not execute well out in LA the whole story or the whole what are we talking about three days I fly out there I get there I like to keep a low nice a few things to do but I also like a lot of down time because I have close friends there Chris Waltz Sabina John again Henry though I got a bunch of close friends out there and it's also a

relaxing area it's sunny there's mountains there's ocean sure so I don't want to go too crazy out there so I get out there and first night I'm gonna run my set at the comedy store legendary comedy store you ran it by Adam Eget yes email Adam he got right back to me said come by run it so like last time I did the family friend show on Monday so I go on first during the open mic yeah like the open mic ends they dim the lights now like the show is beginning yeah I go first in the the open mic guys or whatever it's called the new guys mm they're funny but they're kind of eating it everyone's eating it interesting but

they're funny guys so I'm like this is a tough crowd people kind of alluded to the crowd okay I'm going first on like okay now we're starting the real show so they do announce that I believe so yeah the lighting changes it's dark in the room you're like okay here we go kind of fucked up they give me the biker is bad lighting yeah it's a tough tough go LA seems like a tough ruthless city to start doing comedy yeah yeah they don't give no the store particularly seems like it's rough around the edges interesting there's not a lot of like welcome come on over here we're all over here now I gotta figure out your way but I bet they

come here and go oh the seller is a fucking game dad it's a doggy dog over there they might think that yeah sometimes the grass is greener or whatever although can I say when a when a LA guy shows up here I really bring out the carpet I try to really do some red tape and ribbons because I want them to feel good yeah you want everyone to be it's nice to be nice to the nice yes we're comedians yes let's take care of each other yes it's a what he called a league courtesy common courtesy well that professional courtesy but we're a we're a unit we're we're we're what do you call those guys gangsters a union union yes so

you can't scare me I'm sticking with the union thank you so anyways I go there I run the set and the the guy hosting the show I think he's a newer guy I don't know him he goes up and he says this guy he's got to do cordon and he's got a hit podcast called friends with stories all right that's not bad but this felt good because all the comics the young comes waiting to go on they all started laughing because they know how do you like that they know the show so that felt nice that's nice friends with stories is I mean that is the description of the show I guess yeah I guess we're friends we have stories but our title is better

than that a little better it's a pun Mitch album so I go up there and boy I really just take it right on the chin the cock the ass wherever you take it but ran it through the mud I mean it's not I mean I ate it yeah bomb city I yeah yeah hi Nagasaki limp off and I go alright let's get the hell out of here we go to the movies saw this film called they shall never grow old which who's the guy that made Lord of the Rings Samuel L. Jackson Jackson Peter Peter Jackson made this movie I'll just keep this short and sweet go see this film if you get the chance you got to go see it's unbelievable he took all this World

War One footage and they colorized it and they zoomed in they added all these crazy sounds put blacks in it no blacks in World War One that's what you they colorize oh I see well they come in there might have been in the in the jet this is this is the UK I don't think they I don't I think they had some racism over there I think they might have yeah I think they might still that's why we came over here to mix it up yeah I had to mix it up but not to say that black people didn't fight in World War One they were sure they did yes Teddy Roosevelt said the black man I've never seen a fighter so tenacious uh test good just

to Tuskegee just good the airmen just just get just giggy that was World War One I think was that too I thought it was deuce this is this is UK versus Germans and maybe there was a black guy in there I don't think so no I thought they were talking in the film okay got it so I don't I didn't see any all right now you got me on the spot here well hey I'm the one who said bad that colorized joke so I'm the one going to jail right yeah I didn't I didn't see them but I'm sure they fought loud and proud oh yeah or quiet and proud whatever whatever was the least they were definitely a nom oh yes yes the the draft was heavily tilted

toward the African oh yes it's very unfair I didn't know that yes so it's tilt bad situation anyway so you go see the film great film we had a great time I highly recommend this movie it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my goddamn life didn't need to put this out there but it's getting no love it's a documentary and you know people it's all gonna be X-Men now yeah it's a guy enough with the Thor it's a documentary about real heroes and what he can you do but boy what a crazy crazy war all right I'll check it out I love a good war doc it's unbelievable literally unbelievable it's an overused word is

you can't believe what they did with this footage oh boy I'm excited insane anyways we go see that then Tuesday I do Josh Adam Myers podcast coming out soon the 500 where he does Rolling Stones 500 Greatest Albums he's a guest on to talk about each album it's a quench your order that's a good idea great idea I do Pearl Jam Vitalogy I feel like I bombed on that yeah it was because sometimes you want to this is like your big chance to express your love for the band the album but I got all tongue-tied and he's he's big he's like he talks and he sings and he knows his shit so it's hard to be like yeah a lot of times to kick it to me

and I'd be like totally yes I did a lot of that yeah what happened what you get off on the passion well then it's hard to fit well here's the thing cuz sometimes your love and passion for a thing is hard to put into words what makes it special yes so I'm not a poem I Bill Shakespeare I can't put things together I go I just love it you could spin a yarn occasionally but I got to be in the comfort zone or a special place I didn't get in the special place no special never started I didn't have the space so Cody so I couldn't no Cody you weren't Cody great album but and then he had a he looked up a lot of facts which

is what I was like I thought I was gonna be the fat guy yeah that would be my role like he's like he's reading this stuff and I'm like I was gonna say that so then I would try to do the thing where like we've I finished the sentence I'm like cuz of this and he's like what shut up and I was like I feel like I buy hasn't come out yet maybe it'll be okay was he giving you anything or was he off not off but was he a little little cold no he was given all the warmest that's why I felt bad I think I let him down but he was I mean such sweet he's like no it was great I tell you it was great I wouldn't bullshit you all right the

thing where you're like what probably what but I'm not bullshitting yeah great guy Josh Adam he's a nice guy sweet guy and very funny and he showed me some but he had some artifacts he's a TV show he's got all his laminates he's a comedy guy all right and a rock and roll guys nice dog it was great I was grateful to do it but I just felt like I was like oh that wasn't my best I've been there and I know the feeling and it eats away at you for years and thousands people gonna hear this I thought this guy was a Pearl Jam fan he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about so now I've had two fucking bombs in a day today

that's Monday and then Tuesday I got my schedule light so then Wednesday it's tape day time to go bake the donuts so you're you're stewing a little bit you got a bomb I had the podcast I'm gay yep I went and bought a new Ted Baker I'm happy with the Ted Baker I brought my old suit you looked lunch thank you I really stunning yes thank you I appreciate it at least I had that going for me so then Wednesday we show up to the taping now you've done it it's over by CBS and I've been there I went to real time with Bill Maher over there Chris Walsh comes with me his girl Sabina good pals I mean just the best

friends a guy could ever ask for we arrived the car picks us up takes us there Tommy John again comes to meet us what a friend and those two have been at all my LA taping so good good people those three I should say good vibes good vibes Alicia Keys is there to meet Alicia Keys wow she pretty or what very pretty and then Justin Bieber's wife who I never heard of oh Baldwin yes it's Baldwin's kid I think Haley I want to say Haley Baldwin I don't know she's here in the comments I don't know yeah hail to the chief Hays for horses I don't know why she's a lovely lady yes oh she's very petite I mean extremely petite little

gal yeah but like petite and anorexic I want to be yeah I want to be critical but I found it unattractive to me personally a little Auschwitzy so she came out but so we had to all stand on the couch and they're gonna introduce the show he's like I'm gonna kick it to my guests Alicia Keys Joe Liston and Lady and so we're all sitting on the couch just Alicia and I were waiting for her to come out wow chatting I was like you know my niece is a singer she's 13 she's a big fan and she's like that's so sweet you know she's bullshitting this is post or preset this is pre show preset I'm not even changed yet why they have you on

like is this is like a lighting thing because he kicks it he's doing the monologue and he goes let's meet our guests and then it cuts to the three of us on the couch which I did a fun gag because they're waving and I'm like doing like the sweat like you know nervous and I got a laugh I think in the room but here's the thing we're sitting there's me Alicia Keys and old Bieber there's no way to be found in the director I feel after these directors out in Hollywood she's like alright 30 seconds and it's alive the tape shot brutal gig she's still in her bathroom and that's on her like that's on the

director they're literally like 10 seconds we need you out here so she comes like scurrying over at the last moment she's like hey like dives in the shot you see the director be like fucking what the fuck yeah we have been there for a few minutes anyway so they go on they do the show now the show with this particular episode they sing a song up top Alicia Keys and I was at Colbert Gordon who's a singer by the way he can say yeah he can move yeah fat British guy he's pretty nimble I'm talking about singing well he can yeah he could he's got the whole pack he's like a Travolta I swing sings and dances

oh yeah he's a song and dance man I got you well he they sing a song then they bring the two guests that they talk about dogs but there's not a lot of comedy on the show yeah yeah very little as a matter of fact yes yes so I'm sitting there I'm getting a little nervous I got my suit on I'm hanging out but everyone kills on that show I mean I've seen some murders on that show even bad comics yourself included well exactly I was gonna say that before the bad comedy but I kept my sentence even though you said your sentence I understand your set was great you're great you're funny easy so anyways you ever have that

lock you have a sentence locked and loaded then somebody else throws a thing in but you still fire up your thing of course of course yeah well I did that well it went well I liked it yeah you're great Sam's great Jacqueline Novak ripped it on the Adam Newman just did everyone oh yeah yeah Parna did it Ian Carmel everybody rocked it so everyone kills so the whole day I'm like I feel good about the set even though it bombed the store and I took the night off before I go I'm about to kill so I'm standing behind the curtain and I feel pretty cool I mean you're anxious cuz it's a show I mean you're

nervous and you're looking hot as hell fatty oh yeah I'm sharp as attack here and the sets killed the jokes are top-notch top-notch jokes curtains open I come swinging out there I'm all excited I wave to cordon he's not even looking isn't that way when you wave to the host he's like writing something he's tweeting same thing happen to me I'm like all right well I guess he's out but I hit my mark I go to I look at the crowd because you can see everyone and I'm trying not to say girls I'm trying to say women but these my friend we're good fashion classic girls oh yeah like 11 years old there was literally a woman in

the front row with braces on what legs no no brace on her teeth a couple of girl scouts yeah and I look at the whole line there's like eight you know people in their 40s and just as I guess because Alicia Keys or Mandelbaum whoever Bieber Bieber that's what it is maybe it's that but it's like a sea of women under 23 years old I mean I'm just like the worst comedy people ever and I go alright and I feel like an old fuck cuz I'm married I'm talking about airlines and anxiety right so I go boy ever fly on a plane I feel like they were like not really know yeah I do the first joke and it gets almost nothing we

can see the people that laughed you know those bits we are like all that those eight I can point out the people that laughed it's did they sweeten because it popped in the in the TV show well let me get to that because I'm confused the first joke doesn't hit and you have that immediate moment you know that moment comedy we're like am I about to bomb this bomb I know it too well which is also stunning when you think you're about to kill yeah you can shift on a dime sometimes you're in the back being like I'm gonna go eat it and that's fine but when you're like oh I get the seller sometimes the underground is like this

you're like I'm gonna go out there and kill and then it's time and you go oh boy that was this is not good oh yeah you could feel it's in the air in a weird way it's a it's a it's more than just the audience reaction it's just a vibe yes so I'm doing that and all of a sudden I'm like this is not a kill at all so now I get that in my head now what's that's in your head it's not leaving your head oh no you're like I'm eating it and you're on TV I'm eating it on TV and it turns out it wasn't so much you need it but it felt like I need it all the matters is it was feeling like I need it that the feeling is trumps the reality

exactly so then I do a joke about you know four thoughts my parents gonna die cancer and it gets an applause yes so then they're applauding so I just start applauding with them because I'm all kooky in my head I went hey well yeah you're malfunctioned sometimes so much in comedy do you ever have this like I'll be at home watching a live show and they bring out the comic I'll start clapping on my couch oh I don't do that because I'm so trained to just be clapping all the time for 25 years of sitting at live show so they clap I clap like a fucking psychopath we I noticed you clap and then I catch it and I go why am I clapping

I'm clapping and I go what and I said shit I didn't know that yeah I went shit why am I clapping and it didn't really till after I got off stage like you know you said shit and I was like no I didn't like you did don't you hate that feeling where you're like I did not and then four people like you a hundred percent did you like well they can't all be wrong yeah yeah it sucks when it's you who did it you know if you're like oh the manifesto was written in 88 they go no it wasn't but you said shit yes it's your own your own doing by the way you just said you who you who did it so I say you it was a callback you said you who I

don't think I did yeah you who did it ah you that'd be a good you know publicity campaign the you who did it now I guess it doesn't make sense it was you who did it yes yes who stole the chocolate milk it was you who did it I like guys a wig and a peg leg or something there you go see your back I threw in the peg leg so anyways I then I forgot a bit I had a joke I forgot how I'm talking the band I'm like hey the band likes it I'm doing this way I don't know who I am out there I went completely my wires got crossed I'm like the band likes it this guy's laughing I'm clapping I'm saying shit I think I said cunt at one point I have no

idea I came backstage and I was like what the fuck was that so the band was that was you buying time no they laughed like one joke like literally the drummer laughs and I was like I'm glad he's here wow that's how bad it was going I felt and what boy he hit the symbol he was like a shit he did like a thing yeah it was all wackadoo I'm blown away I'm out there blown I don't know what the hell happened so did you remember the bit of entry just gets gone it wasn't till later they were like you forgot to do this joke and I was like oh my god you didn't have the cue I had it but I didn't look at it because it was in the

camera lens and I wanted to be in the moment so I kind of just went I mean I went haywire out there I clapped said shit and forgot a joke wow then I walked over and I'm like it's John again and Chris I'm like and then you know the booker he but I'm like was that a bomb cordon came over he's like that was great mate and I was like was it yeah because immediately you're like was that terrible I suck and surprisingly this is where Alan comes in I felt okay I wasn't panicking or sad I was just like I don't think that was great wow and then the booker was kind of like dude it was a weird crowd it was weird he's like you

were great which was nice but it was part of me that was like so you agree that I did not do great yeah with the audience of course I'm so sorry about the crowd yeah I was like no no it's fine you're good and I'm like all right all right you got the Bieber crowd I'm telling you but it wasn't till afterwards that I was like I said shit forgot a joke recognize the band and clapped yeah the big three I was like what the hell went on out there wow I just felt kooky do and but then the episode came out and I've gotten more love from it than any other show that I've done look at that people like I love how in the moment you are

the clapping was great it was so funny you swore that was great people like it was so loose it was like the real you it was a great show and people have seen head over heels look at the producer was like that was great he's like you made it look great come back again so I was like wow all right so sometimes perception is different than reality and two things I want to say here one they always say this like Bill Burr the Philly ran he's like I got off stage I go well my career is over I just ruined my career and that's what broke him like you never know what's gonna jostle people what's gonna make people go nuts

apparently they like this and you hated it perception to isn't that also kind of a bitch that the thing you're trying with every fiber in your being not to do is the thing that pops right doesn't that annoy you in the show business but it's also what makes it special but it's only like the thing you think will go viral never does and then you fart into a coffee can and that goes viral of course the walls probably Chris Walsh was with and referenced a lot they have had all these brilliant sketches and shows they had one huge viral video and it was just them planking the video is amazing too it's so great check out Walsh brothers

planking LA it's like an amazing video and it's so well done but I got it was huge but they were kind of like we've been writing all these sketches and doing these characters and developing all this and doing these amazing live shows and stand up and then you're like it's just us laying on the ground face down people loved it yeah it's like when you you perfect some bit to take six months then you do six seconds of crowd work on a fat guy and people go that was the best part of the show right damn and I appreciate it but it also hurts like Richard link later school of rock people like this movies amazing like this guy's

making some of the best movies of all time days before sunset yes after my asshole all those movies ain't all that see all that stuff you love but I watch the set I watch it on my laptop in whatever city I was in and I thought it was great oh thank you I appreciate well a lot of comics were like that was great because it breaks up the monotony of a late night it was so unique and go so what I thought was like I didn't execute I should have been I should have hit my mark and all this stuff they were like that was what was great about it and so much love none for my parents but what can you do about that that's tough that's

more for Alan and I sure but anyways it was a great time after then I went to the comedy store well first I had to go back to Glendale get changed went to Shake Shack celebrated the whole thing then you have that weird come down when you're so in your head yeah just what was it all for and it's all this build up and all it's it's a lot goes into it emotionally physically spiritually and it's all over in four and a half minutes that's it folks it comes and goes like a big gush of cold water and then you just wet in the hallway and they take in one way and then take you out the other it's like a big little big little a big

little loop yeah in that it's grand but little and then it's like a hundred yards right right they just out of the sunlight in a parking lot like holy shit I'm in a crisp shirt I got shit my underwear and I don't know who I am how about this for the ultimate Hollywood twist we go out there and the driver is a comedian that's not LA I don't know what the hell is he's like I'm a comic myself he knew Chris Walsh they chatted together and he drove us home and it was like this weird thing where I'm like I'm in the back I'm like yeah I set the tape and this is LA that's it he hands you a screenplay the driver is a comedian then we go to the

comedy store Sam Arill and I are co-headlining and our pal Adam Perlstein I saw him he's I talked about him in Sacramento he opened me the Sacramento punchline and you said oh you quoted some bits those were killer killer bits hilarious guy I'm trying to get him to move out of there for God's sake yeah he's got a girlfriend or whatever at least go to LA exactly but he was down visiting and this was a fun moment cuz that kill Tony open mic it's like an open mic show and so he was hanging out then he left to like smoke a cigarette and say hello to somebody he tried to go back in and the door guy there was like

back of the line you fucking nerd and he's like no no I'm a comedian I was hanging out he's like well you're shit in the left get in the back of the line it was so jarring I hated it so much that I was like I'm gonna have this guy in our show I want to come back and be like I'm on the show you're a hero I'm not a hero but I was like well first of all he's great and we didn't have a host anyway he's probably funnier than half these LA cooks so fine I mean he's like he's first class this guy so but him getting yelled at I was like he's a perfect choice I love it I was like who is this to get who are you to yell at

this guy then I found it the guy yelling is a comic which I think is crazy God and I bet he sucks I guarantee you he sucks no one is that mean to another comic who doesn't have a big fucking dick chip on their shoulder now I don't know how it works I don't know what he's going maybe it's a whole thing with comedians are trying to sneak in all the time so maybe there's a whole thing there I don't want to cast dispersions but I agree I think it's weird to scream in another comic but also I think that show attracts a lot of homeless people and crazy shit in the sewer all right all right maybe he thought he was some

kind of lunatic yeah but he's a real comic and so I said hey sorry you got yelled at that was crazy do you want to host the show he says sure I text Sam and you know Sam's all over the place I go I got a host don't worry he's great and Sam didn't take that much interest in him by the way I want to watch this guy he's a Jew he's dark he's hilarious but Sam so he's always mixed up in his head that guy he's a squirrely Jew yeah he's I mean such a brilliant comic and a dear friend but I'm like are you enjoying any of this it just seems he's always gonna scowl he's like my back hurts I got a right of joke I'm in

traffic my manager well he's a he's a tormented genius he really is yeah he is because he's got a whiskey dick and big eyebrow but he's a brilliant writer yeah but so anyways Adam goes up he hosts he's killer and then for him and war who have talked about before I got a little thing for this guy I think he's he's the L.A. Steve Ross he's got well he might have a regular penis but I've talked about him for him if you don't know him you should know him go watch his shit right now A. N. W. A. R. is his last name I was like I was watching him in the original room and I'm a big fan I've talked about him before it's embarrassing

he's a killer he's underrated underrated and I'm like howling so like we got to get this guy in our show so I go hey come on upstairs and do a set and he's like sure great I watch his whole set upstairs I was on the floor I'm on my knees slapping the couch I mean this guy is killing me he's so fucking funny Pearlstein kills Faheem fucking kills I go up I kill it's so nice to get back I have to do the late night set it's so rigid and you're wearing a suit and it's five minutes and I said shit and I apologize I clap I don't know what the hell's going on out there there's a band and a producer you get miced it's so

nice to be back in a dingy shitty packed room here here and just slinging I said fuck about 500 times yeah now you're in Hollywood it's 11 o'clock at night I'm wearing jeans sunset I got my mother's underwear on and I'm just saying cunt and fucking shit Nass and killer show Sam goes up and he's just the bed I don't even laugh at Sam anymore I just go god I get better he's so good I mean he is an amazing comedian magical show killer show and then drove off into the Hollywood night hills back over to Glendale back to New York and then you had that real come down we were like I'm like I can't wait to just get back to New York and be

off and do spots the road four weeks in a row then straight to LA yeah but then it's a letdown because even when you're there and then you're like now I've nothing to do I don't know what to do that's true yeah you just I want some alone time what's the time off then you get time off you're like God I'm bored I'm sitting there and Sarah was out doing shit I'm just lonely I'm playing my mandolin like a sad homo and that is a funny image you with the house just in your undies but a robot playing the mandolin embarrassing but great trip to LA thanks to the Tuesdays that came to the the show and thanks for everyone for

spreading the word and all the kind words it really means a lot I appreciate it keep spreading it spread it spread your butter spread the pussy lips yes read the labia and go watch the set if you haven't now because now you have all this insight I get to see all the little tweaks and quacks and quarks that you went through and if you haven't already leave a comment give it a thumbs up I want a good thumbs up ratio I can't look at the comments but just I'm sure there's a lot of being like this is a gangly moron how about this oh you're not gonna like it don't tell me a comment that I'm not gonna like no no no no

it's an idea I just had all right how about we watch we do a bonus app and we watch the cordon and you step step by step through it I can't watch that's gold the kids will love it that's not bad that's not bad here's a soda text great job on cordon dude fantastic set and I love the closer people are talking fatty hero love you buddy thank you thank you you're a good friend but speaking of the patreon you gotta get on there I mean people if you're a Tuesdays fan that's listening every yeah I'm not trying to bullshit you here you gotta get on the patreon yes the live episodes are insane they're the best version of the show if

you ask me I'm it's just zinging and zanging for an hour straight with killer guests and a live audience who gets it a bunch of Tuesdays who aren't offended and just having fun and I'm scared to do another one because the last one was so hot I don't want to let it down we got three live episodes moon tower with Bennington and Chris D village underground with Yanis and Nikki Glazer village underground with Sal and Viter those are like the three best episodes in the history of the show it's three bucks a month that's 36 bucks a year so for $1 for each show per month that doesn't make sense but yeah get in

there I guess it's $12 yeah for each show to listen to again and again and all these but we did a whole ask me anything thing that's 45 minutes long people of the door that the door people like that there's a bunch of bonuses of Steve Rogers bonus on there learn about his dog and I just do one with the fat Chris L we had a hot one and we did about 40 minutes in Cleveland I picture him having a small dick he claims he does have a mediocre black cock all right that's his words he's married so he's tubes are tied or whatever yeah who knows but let me let me talk about Cleveland a little bit get in there I gotta rest my

throat my balls the cordon set was great and you should be proud of yourself and LA loves you don't you get a you get a little high though walking into a comedies club like a one you're not really working a lot but you're like I was on TV today yes how about you get out of my way there LA guy it feels good but then there's also all these killer acts like Joe Rogan is there for he's there Tony hinge clip is there and he hadn't seen Annie in a long time it was nice to see her Theo Vaughn Whitney Cummings Chris Delia man of Skaalco they're all just Ali Wong just just out and about yeah a lot of killer

acts and it's a it's a great spot but I get intimidated I'm like I don't know where to hang I feel weird I'm New York you're like am I in the way do you hate me are you intimidated am I gay it's tough yes all right so I just want to say I got all I always have my top five cities my top five comedy clothes Cleveland I come I compliment all the time I love Cleveland more and more every time I go it's a great town it's a great city it's coming up it's on the upswing I'm coming in my pants and I just had a great week hilarious is is probably one of the most well-run oiled machine anals in the city in the

country yes just the the manager's top notch the food is bananas great food it's like salmon and steak and lobster and all this shit and you get all you want so me and Chris would go there that the kitchen open at four we'd be there at four oh one knocking on the glass that we'd hear the door go we'd walk in and we got the worst shrimp cocktail I'll take the beet salad the wedge salad the lobster bisque the meatballs appetizer and then give me the the t-bone wow we'd go there every day and then you get the moose at the end with you want to try the ice cream you're like all right we'll try the ice cream but I didn't

do any I had spaghetti and meatballs four days in a row there no ice cream we had breakfast lunch and dinner at four o'clock it was amazing and it was one it was like that sign of only like more this more everything and then you tip six bucks and you get the hell out of there and we hit the gym we just had a great weekend and I made fun of old Chrissie L because I was like come on man I've known you for 17 years you've been doing the same 20 minutes for the since the 80s and this kid came out of the gate he's got some hot new ripping it ripping it the host was this Cleveland local guy and he's like who the hell is

this kid where where's he coming from wow you know the host was like oh I did pretty well then this this black guy with glasses comes out and his weird outfits and just rocking it now where is he from did he move to Atlanta or what he told me nine years ago he's moving to Atlanta and then he was gonna move to Queens well I had been looking at apartments for the guy he lived in Dayton for 20 years and now he's in Virginia but he's going to I think the Atlanta plan is still still cooking all right who knows 283 so he's out of the military and I don't know what but he got a bug up his anal because he is

rocking it baby just kicking ass on stage new stuff edgy stuff cooking then I gotta follow his ass but we we sold out a couple shows and I'm talking balcony wow that's a big room yeah I think you know sometimes you go to a comedy club and they go well you got the ball game this week it's kind of fucked and then the playoffs are happening and then there's the gay parade and then there's the tranny parade so there's always something this weekend at all just a line where they're like there's zero going on no and it's freezing cold so everybody's coming to this and for once I had a hot morning show like I would

we know what those weird you know this morning shows where it's like two blonde ladies and they go so of course you're a little irreverent oh you're gonna make this body or act is this in your routine you know and they're always these brutal yappy twats and they got nothing to say and you got a tiptoe around everything but I was just zinging and zanging and I just walked that line and it got all got on like they didn't bleep anything I usually get bleeped so I got a million tweets like saw you on Good Day whatever that was awesome really fun coming to the show now and it might have worked because if we sold out two

shows and that room sold out with a balcony it's like 400 something that's a big goddamn room by the way about Nick what a great guy the owners this old Italian guy I think he's Greek old Greek guy and just the sweetest man a lot of handshakes a lot of pats on the back a lot of compliments and fit to yeah he's like 98 it's like a luffa rig now yeah he's 140 years old and he weighs like 160 nice backs he's like eagle chested yes he's sexy made out of wood yeah I think I could still fuck oh yeah well let me between you me and the lampshade I noticed like quite a bowl John he's got a real Steve Rogers in his pants killing

it but he was so nice to me and he's nice to crazy telling Chris I like oh here I want to blow you you're so hot oh shit and so we just had a hell of a weekend we just knew stuff and good hangs and queves and good meals and we sold out a few shows so I hit those bonuses tipped good tipped out nice and then we're in the office after all said and done hot shows Nick comes in and he goes hey this was a great weekend I had we had this guy here we had that guy here he didn't sell any shows so that that's huge he's like guys now thank big guys he's saying all right he's like we had it I don't want to say his name but he's like

I just want to let you know we really appreciate you coming he's acting like I'm some kind of name I think he's confused and he comes in he goes we got you a gift oh what the hell is this and he goes he pulls his big baseball bat out of a sock what big baseball bat and it's painted purple and it is engraved engraved beautifully engraved Mark Normand thanks for the great weekend we love having you here Nick and then it says hilarity it's like carved in wow it must have been eight million dollars for this bat a baseball bat it's purple it's half it's purple I don't know guys because that's their color it's hilarities I

don't know yeah it's like a big eggplant dick so it's like oh my god thank you and I get this bat and I know I got like a little trophy and I'm like I'm gonna put this on my mantle I can't wait thank you Nick and we're hugging and kissing and then then we had some drinks and me Chris and Sam the the manager sat in the showroom with the lights out just one couple candles lit and smoked weed and cigarettes and just talked about the business for like an hour and a half and it was one of those I got a photo of it it's one of those just like the smoke puffs are in the air we're just ripping it and can you believe this and that guy

and the cream rises and I'll tell you what we're gonna be alright you know all that shit yeah and he's he's you know he's a manager so he's got the inside scoop he also books the club so he knows who's selling who's not it was great he's scoopy yeah so we just had a great weekend so then the flight comes around oh boy here we go this is where it's gonna take a turn for the cliff yeah so I got a nice noon flight which is rare for me I usually get out of there but it's only an hour away by flight yes so I get down to the airport easy peasy Japanesey I got this big-ass purple bat sticking out of my away bag oh boy so I

go through security I got plenty of time nice and breezy I throw the bag up throw the bat on get through put the shoes back on I got everything but the bat and I go hey excuse me man when it was this middle-aged white coos with like fluffy hair like out of the 50s and I hated her she goes oh yeah and I you know I'm hung over I'm half of the bag I get ear bod pods in so I'm like yeah so I can I just grab that bet she goes whoa whoa whoa this is a this is a club like object you can't bring it on the plane mm-hmm and I was like oh well you could club a guy with anything yeah really and she didn't care for that this isn't the

time to get into the nitty gritty details yeah yeah plus you know I'm just trying to get through it I'm not really listening to her it's like oh yeah come on who cares what are you gonna do and she goes well you're gonna check it and I go yeah I'll check it and she goes all right he's gonna check it she's like talking to nobody she's such a so so cold like I'm she's very curt yes they're a curt group of people they are I guess this government shut down I don't know what's going on yeah they suck before then that's true maybe they're not getting paid and I don't know what it is everyone's got problems they're typically

not a friendly gang no you can't reason you can't they don't bend at all but I get it they're dealing with a lot of stuff and maybe it's very difficult but I get it all right do your job yeah all right so I go yeah all right I'll check it she goes all right well you got to go around and go back through security and go check this and I'm like oh come on man I look back the lines a mile long I'm like look I'll just go I'll just go you you check it she was like you sure I'm like yeah yeah she's like all right I'm like yeah yeah thank you I'll see it baggage claim and I you know I got the ear I'm not really listening so then I get

on the plane and I did that thing where you know where you look at your seat on the app yes you go hard I'm a 27d oh 10d is open and you click on it and it's $0 so I go I'll pop up 17 rows here why not yeah why not get on the plane I get the 10d it's nice and cushy real close to first class in walks the old white trash fat lady no boy and she's got two big carry-ons and I go boy what's going on here they're full of cats cats she's a cat lady oh man cats let's see like she sells them she raises them and then sells them on the black market or whatever the hell it is she flips cats she flips cats wow cat flipper so I'm like oh

what's going on here she's like do you mind if I put one under your like where your legs go oh my god got these carriers they're going right I don't trust a cat it's gonna fucking nip your toes off I don't want to cat nip so I go I need my things he's like well I'm gonna have to put it in the carry on I'm like yeah what do I give a fuck yeah well now I'm it's got nine lives I know but now I got cat guilt so I go all right fuck it move my feet it's an hour and a half flight I'll deal with it so now I got cat up my ass she's got a cat up her twat and we're chatting she won't stop chatting she's dying you know you know what it is when

when you feel uncomfortable and so you overcompensate by talking you know when you feel nervous or something so you just keep talking I was doing that earlier yes even when you know you're at fault you know you're at fault so you kind of just try to talk it up to them so the purse like like I don't get what she's doing you know what I mean like yes she's doing the thing which is going oh boy it's hot in here you like cats yeah but she's just trying to make yourself feel bad cat chat cat jet fever yeah I don't care for it I got feline aids so I'm like all right I don't want to talk so I do the ear pod uh-huh still keeps

talking oh sunglasses talking what do you call that the neck pillow oh the neck pillow I'm wearing a neck pillow sunglasses and ear pods I might as well be wearing a glasses with a mustache at this point I'm hidden I'm in cahoots I'm uh incognito incognito I don't know the neck pillow so much a fuck off well it's kind of like I'm going to bed bitch yeah okay I'm going to bed that's not bad I got sunglasses on like lights out a blanket would be a nice addition that would be nice you get first class at the blanket a little hot on the plane for the blanket but I would have done it for commitment sake so uh Jesus she just go

man yeah I gotta flip these cats I'm going to Boston after Cleveland then I'm going to Chicago and then I'm going to Kentucky with these cats and I'm like I hate the cats killer cats fuck cats what makes you want to hit pause pause yes I wish you had a hairball alright so uh yeah so she just talked the whole flight I couldn't get a wink and these cats are just nipping at me and oh I do not care for a cat I find it very off-putting to have a cat around and these are multiple cats next to your feet and in a like six in a carrier kind of thing they got claws their assholes exposed the details pointing they have sharp teeth they're

in horror movies and they're looking at me too they because it's just like a little net and they got cat eyes yeah cat eyes nine lives cat eyes yeah so finally we land I get off the plane and she needs help carrying the cat is it funny when you hate somebody then they ask for your help that's like a weird moment there we go I want to just kill you yeah so I get off the plane now I got I gotta go to baggage claim to get my bat bat is claimed thank you I myself so I go to baggage claim there's a wait there's something going on and so some lady goes and complain she's like sorry man there's been a problem but we're

gonna get the bags to you freaking out hang on so finally meh meh meh all the bags come out I wait till every single one goes over goes around everybody's grabbing their bag and finally I just stand there I'm just watching the the conveyor belt go around and some guy goes can I help you and I go I'm waiting for my baseball bat baseball bat he's like you gotta tell you gotta take it they go now they didn't give me one and he goes well who took the bat and I got the lady at security and he goes oh they just confiscated your bat well they don't check it I was like I think she said she was gonna check it

he's like no they don't do that check bats you know I was like well wait a minute so I just gave her my bat he's like well I would call the airport but it's Sunday so they're not answering so I call then I get an Uber I'm calling in the uber I leave a message I write an email finally somebody answers the phone they go look the baggage claim and lost without it's not open till tomorrow at 7 a.m. oh my god I went to bed last night I set my alarm for 658 had the number ready woke up called him at 7 a.m. or 702 and the guy goes oh yeah yeah yeah we threw that out I go mother fucks oh Sam if you're listening from

Cleveland I'm sorry some guy made a took the time make a beautiful bat with my name inscribed in it was so perfectly so thin the letter I don't know how they did it into the wood oh this is sad I know I wanted to put it right up on my shelf I got a memorable show with with awards and trophies and now you didn't see them not allowing you a bat on the on the plane well I had it so far tucked into the suitcase that only about six inches was hanging out of just a handle yeah that seems like that could just be an umbrella or something legit yes legit but it's a club like object which I guess you could take over the plane with a

bat I mean you could fucking start really she could yeah you could be like you know one of the what was the baseball gang and the movie warriors oh the Warriors yeah but the Warriors weren't the baseball gang it was a baseball gang that word like the White Sox uniforms that's true yeah they were scary yeah I guess I could have if I had it it would have been better Alexa what is the baseball Warriors gang in the movie the Warriors that's not gonna be it Shelby we missed you guys shut up or I'll pull it up all right you pulled up so either way I lost the bat and don't tell Nick he'll kill me

he'll probably beat me with a bat if he finds out because this thing was this thing was nice he pulled out of like a velvet sock when he showed it to me the whole thing was beautiful and painted it was shiny it was like the natural when they open that case they got the big bat so I feel horrible and I fucked up but I can't believe they can just this woman just thought I was giving away the bat it's so crazy to me that I was on this in the line of security and she's like what should I do I was like I'll check it I'll check it and then I just walked away and she was like alright and threw in a dumpster oh what a dude but

maybe yeah it sounds like there was some real miscommunication oh yeah and I I guess it's my fault in the end but I didn't think that she would let me just walk away from an item like that it's obviously an expensive item right but they just threw it away I wonder where it is I bet it's somewhere someone probably took it home I think some baggage nut just said well I'll fucking take this bad it's a good-looking bat yeah that is disappointing yeah it's sad it's sad it's a trophy basically it's gone yeah it's a bat's got a heft you know it's it's a real thing it's not like a little gold star or something they put on the

juice well to batter days yeah batter up well you'll do better I don't even know all right so where are you gonna be there wow I feel like I really left on a sad note well I got sad but it's sadness is a good emotion I think we need to have more ups and downs and over and out some sadness some weirdness some gayness you know I can't all be just shits and ice creams and touchdowns and handjobs you're right you're right you know you lost a bat like sometimes in life you lose a bat to my right folks you got that right I always thought I remember as a kid I loved my baseball bats and I would watch a game and someone would shatter their

bat I'm like aren't they devastated I would cry if somebody broke my bat I thought that with guitars with like the who yeah that smashed the guitar you're like I want that fucking but then you realize oh these guys are zillionaires all right well this weekend I am at bananas in Hasbrook Heights New Jersey if you're in the tri-state area Hasbrook Heights and a Valentine's Day is gonna sell out anyways but Friday and late show Saturday I hit bonuses if people come out so buy your tickets hopefully you've already bought them but Hasbrook Heights this weekend at bananas next weekend Thursday Friday Key West Saturday

Miami next week that'll be fun so come on out and yeah Chipotle gift cards Starbucks gift cards the whole thing we really appreciate it very grateful and Uber is also delightful yeah love Uber and then the weekend after that February 28th March 1st and 2nd I'm in Dallas Fort Worth at hyenas good club yeah fun times for not not Dallas Fort Worth I did Dallas last time airport is Dallas Fort Worth the club is in Fort Worth hyenas February 28th March 1st and 2nd and then I'm at Mugubi's in March I put all these dates up comedian Joe list tweet out the cord and leave a nice note or comment give it a thumbs up and

hit the patreon three bucks a month fucking live episodes up the ass bonuses all the queues are great there's a lot a lot of bonus stuff on there so go hit it you're crazy for not getting on it it's a doozy and go to merch pump I think we have new fans since the t-shirts have come out the t-shirts every once in a while someone will buy some shirts and remind us go to merch pump comm slash Tuesdays with stories get a Tuesday show with the rainbow Tuesday shirt and a lot of fun stuff on there yeah it is a cool Chipotle one that Diego design so go get them merch pump comm slash Tuesdays tell them some things there well I would like

to see you out and about I've noticed the this is gonna sound douchey with the chip the gift cards have waned a bit they sure did so I get it I know it's a little pricey to come out to a show and be gay so I understand but hey if you can swing it we love you Chicago really might have the record for a lot of gifts we got but God love you I just want to see and hug you and take a gay photo so this week I'm in Raleigh at Good Nights one of my faves down in North Carolina then Syracuse you know how I feel about it come on out to the mall folks Lord knows we're gonna need some gays God bless you helium and Philly my all-time favorite

club Philadelphia helium please come let's sell out some Jews high fives and gays and really live it up south by Southwest I just got asked to do I'll be there Friday and Saturday in Austin then what days are you there that's 8th and 9th of March you going down there in April ah yeah cap city April 4th my birthday April 4th and say I forgot that date come to that all right then I'm in Royal Oak Michigan I know you came and saw this fatty so come see this Jew in Michigan there and then we're in Vegas at the Rio comedy cellar then comedy club on state recording an album that's one of the best clubs of the country and we

need some of my own people there because I don't want to scare the locals with Puerto Rican jokes and laughing skull Atlanta love Atlanta then it's Good Friday then I'll be maybe opening for a few guys if you know what I mean else I'll give you the news on that later somebody's doing a European tour and then a bananas and Hasbrook Heights and check the website Mark Dorman comedy dot com and live your dreams blow your mom and praise Allah we love you thank you we love thanks