Tuesdays with Stories! - #286 Weird Wussy

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

It's a great Tuesdays as the guys both perform on the 7th annual Patrice O'Neal benefit before Joe drives all over Florida to get to Key West and Syracuse leaves Mark with the Ultimate travel dilemma. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy this is genuinely I try to be on the upscale the CC oh yeah I've been that many times yeah yeah yeah yeah the CC there's wussy and there's pussy yeah

wussy every once in a while you'll see like a comic doing a corporate gig or a college and they have to say a worse now you're like why can you say worse and not just say pussy we all know what's well plus plus is a vagina I know well so is a wuss it means what's not a vagina that's what it means a wussy is in place of pussy yeah but I'm saying a pussy can be a vagina a was you never go hey I figured her wussy that's true well there's wet a wet pussy might be a wussy that's not bad that's not bad or we got a little a lisp by the way did you see Joe lisp aha you didn't watch any Oscars last night I did not was on stage

Michael Keaton presented and he had a lisp really had a lisp this whole time never heard a list can you acquire a lisp evidently maybe it's for a role and he's method method he's method yeah there you go but I'm like I remember Batman you never had a lisp as Batman no that would be weird commission recording wait how do you lisp I think you gotta see like your T's or S's so you gotta find a T word no I think your S's are T's was that right wait even no I'm in the teat no street sweet you guys they sweet it's like your tongue is swollen I think sweet yeah I think your T's or S's oh he's a tough guy tough tough he's a tough tough I

think it's like you're taught you put your tongue in between your teeth yeah I don't know it's very ethy can you roll the tongue or can you I can roll in the tongue ask my wife if I can roll the time I roll it right up in there oh yeah yeah I mean the taco oh that yeah yeah I can flip my tongue upside down what check this I'll put on the patreon possibly not there McLean no dice fatty that thing is it's not budget it's flipped watch upside down that was unreal flipped it around I've never seen that my life upside down tongue flip try it now not even close my neck whoa I've never seen a

tongue do that that's insane you went a full 180 pretty pretty wild now wet and wild yes it's good it's not really that it's good for like a bar trick you have you like get laid doing that but once you're having the sex or intercourse you can't nothing's nothing doing there yeah it's the same with the cherry stem thing I never got that oh yeah I was never I was impressed but never like whoa daddy no no I mean I'd be ready just blow me yeah if you suck on us a strawberry or whatever it is what's that called a cherry cherry stem you pop it by the way I've had said I had sex with one virgin there was no blood I just fucked you

have a small dick or what's going on where she lying I think she was lying really I've had the big gush but maybe she had a bigger cherry my girl had a tiny cherry maybe a small cherry there's like a pimple yeah well did a weird wussy but when people say pussy they're calling you a vagina I think yeah yeah so pussy and then if you say who's that's like short for pussy yeah yeah but it's like saying you're a dick same as a penis yes you're a prick same as a penis you're a cock same as a penis yes but rule of four you're a douche is not a penis yeah but it's a thing to clean pussies out you're calling them you're

calling them the thing you're saying you're a dick means like what's he is not having to do with a vagina what's he means weak or sissy you can't a what's he can't that's the sissy makes that helps there we go because the sissy is not a pussy no what's he was just like you can't say pussy so you add different like like wigger but that's a different thing that's a different thing too yeah interesting okay okay interesting we're breaking it all down alright so what's yeah you couldn't you can't replace pussy with wussy in a vaginal text context yeah like I have a joke that I try to get on Conan and it but he wouldn't let me

say pussy but it doesn't work without pussy because pussy has to also be a homophone for a vagina yeah maybe you could say well you could say cunt but that's not gonna fly on Conan cunt is similar yeah but it wouldn't work for the joke the joke was a I haven't heard the word pussy yelled that much since that time I blah blah blah yeah cuz they weren't yelling cunt exactly exactly so yes yeah but cunt works the previous context of cunt is both yes of a vagina and a worse thing bitch I guess a cut is more mean cunt is meaner yeah yeah cunt is like you're a mean lady whereas pussy means you're a weak guy

well cut no no cunt to a guy means the same as pussy if you say cunt to a woman it's a meaner version of like bitch but if you say cunt to a guy it's a hyped up version of pussy oh see I see cunt is like a you're just a year you're in the way I quit being a cunt yeah like your argumentative rubber curb yes great episode because he wouldn't go in he was being a pussy he was being called a cunt you cunt what a great seat you are one of the best that was season one oh man it was good and he was a real twink that guy by the way speaking of which I'm glad we brought this up cuz someone called us out for not referencing curb enough oh

really some guy was like you guys talk about Seinfeld and the whole pod Seinfeld Larry David he's like you guys not like curb I never hear you referencing but I think we reference it actually quite a bit not nearly as much as science well let me let me put that right to bed there fatty one curb is on HBO only Seinfeld comes on 13 times a day and we grew up with it right so it's like ingrained in our deeply in there was sees and then curb you got to kind of find you seek it out you do a little binging but it's and as funny as curb is some say funnier they're wrong it's not as sing songy Seinfeld is so word

heavy like they're picking and choose it's written yeah his curb is not written yes that and a green 100% and they're not as rewatchable like soup not see I've watched 50 times I'll watch it 50 more times or a hundred probably double those numbers but curb there's a lot of downtime with curb you're doing a lot more waiting for a big payoff all right I'll give you that but boy there's some good ones there's some good ones you do wait and Seinfeld season one and two and I think eight nine not great right curb there's a quite a few not great episodes in fact almost like full seasons that you're like this isn't great you know

you know it curbs like now we're this feels like a bonus this is bonusy but we'll get into it all right sorry folks this is for the real die cunts so curb is more like a carlin set no carlin catalog carlin has some amazing stuff some of the best stuff ever and then he's got some shit we go whoo this is PU face yes bad news now I'm disagreeing a little bit I'll let you finish but then Seinfeld the TV show is more like maybe a Chappelle or a Chris Rock where you're like this is great like an old Chris Rock I should say like this is killer all the way through see I disagree completely whoa I sign felt is like

carlin because it's groundbreaking it's like the first one so you let it slide on the shit okay the ones that aren't great you're like all right but wait you see what the best of the best of it is the best ever interesting and I had one other point and curb hmm I had one other point I think I lost I lost it but Seinfeld carlin makes more so because it's like the best of it's it's so good it's the number one you let some of it slide and obviously there's more bad to me there's more bad carlin than there is bad Seinfeld the TV show we're talking about yeah that's why I think it's a more of a curb because carlin has a it's

probably like 60 40 good he's got a lot of bad that's almost half bad right which sucks but he put out like 14 specials right right but I think carlin some of it is like you gotta you gotta wait for that payoff where Seinfeld the best episode is the whole way through it's magic right right so that's why I compare it with like a maybe a bur or Louie more where it's like boom boom boom boom yeah I can see you gotta like you gotta sit through some stuff yeah that part I can see but Seinfeld if you start from the beginning you gotta sit through two full seasons and then you get some great stuff that's true that's

true also carlin's early stuff some of it was rough yeah it's a little wonky you know whereas Chris Rock or whoever came out of the gate flying right right that's it's interesting point but yeah we love curb we talk about curb Larry it was my hero but there's a lot Seinfeld is like you said it's a little it's longer it's deeper in there yep and you see it a lot more and it's just it's just better yeah it's more polished for sure I mean Kerr how could it not be Kerr was like a crowd work guy who's got good jokes but he's also riffing and raffin whereas Seinfeld's like a perfect hone set yeah Kerr has some amazing moments there's

also parts of Kerr they're annoying like he has like the hair in his mouth for a full season every time they went back to it I'm like all right all right and like some of the make Michael J Fox thing is like silly some of it's just like this isn't this isn't great and sometimes he tries so hard to tie it all up yeah he goes some outlandish reason that that has to connect yes and is like repeats in curb from Seinfeld that you're like I saw this on Seinfeld yeah that's why the tube man helps because you can check each other yeah oh of course that's why when when fucking Larry left to Seinfeld was not exactly and when Larry does his

own thing there's no sign going hey what about this weirdo but there's a few curb moments they will move on to some other business all right there's the fucking Einstein telling the joke to Jerry and Larry is the funniest thing in the history of comedy number one sink that's amazing then there's a take Uncle Milti outside is one of the funniest lines ever when the kids got a huge dog and then there's Steve Rogers by the way and then when the thing splashes on his face and Jeff's mother goes someone go get a towel and he goes understand what are you gonna tell you get a towel that blew my mind I heard it

magical and then there's a million of them I mean I think curb has more than that I think it's got it yeah are you Jewish you want to check my penis Wagner was one of the great antisemites all that stuff was great how about the bald asshole that's amazing well beloved cunt is one of the best episodes in history to me beloved yeah about this one I talk about it all the time I bring it up a lot but the when they're showing Larry and Cheryl the house and she goes the other day this the saleswoman goes we saw a whale breach and then Larry goes can you shoot the whale yes and then Cheryl goes don't listen to him and he

goes no no listen to me that's like that's just funnier than anything that's ever happened on Seinfeld but he goes to the Starbucks he's like in a good mood so he's like I'll get everybody's got what it was in a cafe latte what's in that milk and coffee give me one of the vanilla bullshit thanks oh I love it vanilla bullshit things because that Starbucks actually you get it like they got a special shit over there it's coffee can you shoot the whale oh man it's the best I think I got a throatache or something I got a bump back

there someone right in I had a little bump it keeps going and coming back let's go coming yeah that's not good really well I think coming and staying is worse I guess you're right but something something's triggering if it's coming back yeah it's triggering right it looks like a tiny pimple and then it will be gone for a while and it's back I'm going to the dentist tomorrow it's in the throat in throat I take a look later I'll show you yeah I'll flip my tongue around and show it to you yeah maybe that's what did it it's bizarre all right that's cookie the going coming is odd but that's better than staying because

cancer it comes and stays yeah yes Jason cancer are we 20 minutes in oh 12 minutes oh my god I was shit that's a lot of curb talk well we got to get into each other's mouths here yes we will later I want to see that tongue flip again that was outrageous let me let me find some notes here cuz I got a lot I mean I got a lot happening I went to Key West and we did the benefit we should we get into the benefit with the patrice Odeo benefit the best gig ever well I don't know is the best gig ever didn't pay very well I had to hype it up yeah it was a sentence my brain came up with no money no money yeah well the other mom gets it

now that's good yeah nice to help we did charity work yeah we did service we're what do you call that uh what's the word benefit now uh philanthropy oh yeah it's a little extreme all right well we did a philanthropy do a philanthropic endeavor oh that was quite a ball that was a great ball fatty um what was I gonna say that was sort of what do you think if you had to say speaking of best gig ever if you had to say your best gig ever what would be your best gig all told all things considered question well you see every now and then you'll be in bumfuck dick town and you just have this magic set we just go up

and everything falls into place all your materials hitting the crowd is good you're good the night is good your dick is hard everything's working but I'm not saying best set I'm saying best gig okay the best gig meaning even on paper on paper before you went there I like scissor and rock but all right I'd well rock I thought he was better in the 90s well my favorite porn is scissor I like I did Carnegie Hall I remember that night I missed a seller spot that night oh that's right yeah that's a big no no but a big fuck up but uh that was just one of those magic you you know open for Schumer it's usually a two-man show for

some reason this night Kyle Dunnigan I think she wanted to throw him a bone so she put him up first so now I got a cushion so I'm used to going up cold in front of 10,000 people now I'm going up warm in front of 5,000 whatever the hell it's hot that probably paid a pretty penny that fuck oh it paid well and that goddamn theater is built before speakers so the sound magnifies or whatever the fuck and every seat was full and it's just glorious and grand it's all very grand and I just had the set of my life and everything worked and you know I had to do 12 or 15 so it's short time Estie was there she saw me kill Noam was there

comedy Central was there everybody was there I just had the set of my cunt and I got out of there and it was great that that sounds like might be the best gig ever it might be the best gap it's Carnegie Hall Wow yeah that was something I somebody took a photo of me shaking her hand like bringing her on and you can see it on my face it's somewhere on my Instagram or Facebook I'm like glowing and she's glowing like it looks like her feet aren't even touched at the stage wild double glow big glow yeah that night I missed a village underground spot I remember she was in a good mood because she came straight from there so kind of

let me off the hook a little bit that's right I still had to you know cow or me like I'm a piece of shit yeah you got a cow or you got to get on the knees but there was reasoning why I missed it I don't want to get into it but yeah that is a good gig what do you got well I'm thinking that's hard to say I don't want to say the tour but like Louie Europe tour I'll pick one date out of them if I have to but private jet from city to city in Europe doing seven minutes that's insanity so like maybe I mean the best show out there was probably like Paris we were at the circus theater or something like that I think it was called

which is the last place the Beatles played before coming to America oh good movie yeah way before coming to America but it was Paris we stayed at the Sophie tell hotel in Paris I did seven minutes hot got 1500 bucks we did two shows a thousand bucks actually yeah but yeah you're staying in like a world class hotel with a balcony that's gotta be it Paris with Louie yeah I didn't know we were put in hotel and flight well I'm saying I'm saying gig that's why I'm saying even on paper so with private jet no travel netting the money yeah seven minutes pair yeah that's insane I'm saying gig yeah all right well now I got

to go back to my roller decks but well we'll come back to that okay I want to think but both solid answers yeah so oh solid as rocks yeah it's not a competition here I'm just saying no no no well anyways we do the patrice benefit we get the call a while ago from the Burr from for Maureen texted me can I say I feel like I had a hand in me I don't know how you got on but I think I had a hand in me getting on tell me well I was sitting next to Pam low shack uh-huh she's Bill Burr's publicist she's chase she sold her she's worked with me before she's got everybody yeah so Ari Ari yeah all the fun cut ups you know he

likes dudes so who doesn't yeah I just say one of my favorite jokes ever please we're talking jokes curb and Seinfeld the Simpsons where we're hanging out with the gay guy but he doesn't realize and then Marge goes Homer he prefers the company of men and Homer goes who doesn't that's one of my best jokes I favorite jokes I mean all right all right so sorry so so I'm sitting next to her we're in the back of the village underground and somebody's on stage and I go so who's doing this patrice benefit she starts rattling off the names and I go that guy I'm not gonna say who like that guy he's doing it he's doing it

what do we gotta do come on the whole systems rigged I hate everybody I'm gay you're fucked and she goes well let me talk to somebody and I think that's how I got on really yeah I was like why not him why not her why not him why not her and she was like yeah yeah I was like that guy really this is Pam or Maureen this is Pam she texts Maureen I want to give you more credit than giving you credit does that make sense I don't you want credit as being like how come this guy's on I don't give you the credit as you're just a great comic one of the top comics right now I think because the other a few weeks ago whatever it was I

was sitting there talking to him and then you and Sam walked in he's like that's Mark Norman and Sam Maril who said that bird did what yeah and you ended up hanging out with him that night yeah and I was like yes and he's like yeah I'm just trying to know who are all these new guys are he's like there's so many great comics blah blah blah yeah and then later I ended up doing the gig with Seinfeld we talked about on Gotham yeah and he's like you guys are the new guys you're killing so I think he just is aware of all right they keep saying new all these guys say no I've been in comedy for 18 years I know it takes a decade to

get a little attention but I'm just saying I think he likes us and he thinks we're funny but I think it needed that nudge from from from me complaining a little maybe needed a nudge but I think he just knows who you are and thinks you're great oh well how could he I don't think he's watching I think he's going to clips these people they watch that's how those big guys are Louis knows who everybody is Quinn knows who everybody is and the guys that don't know who everybody is they have fallen off yeah they're out of touch and they probably more people stink now yeah they probably do but anyways we get the

text and then I got the text with Maureen because people just group us together we have a podcast we hang but I get the text from Maureen she's like tests this long text you want to do the benefit and blah blah blah blah and I'm like great and she's like alright we got you and Mark are gonna do it and then I was like oh I don't know if she's texted you yet so I didn't want to be like we're doing the butchery and so then like maybe five minutes later you were like butchery so that was very exciting very exciting because this is you know you talk about new faces you talk about Conan all these milestoney things this is

the real inside comedy shit this is like we all love patrice huge fans handpicked by burr this is like respect shit you get new faces and some fuck up in a fedora goes alright you're in your agent emails you go great I'm doing new faces maybe I'll get a TV show out of it this is like hey people recognize that you're a good comic and that you care about it and that you're in the mix and they're comedians it's always nice to get something from a comedian that it is to get someone from you know whoever fuck especially a comedian you respect and who you know you know his stuff you look up to blah blah blah yeah

one of the best yeah so that was huge and it just shows you're not you're not a slim pickin you're not that's the wrong word you're not scraping the barrel yeah you're not you're not you're not good yeah yeah you're just you're somebody you do it something right there it is though of course I was like are you sure I don't know patrice I'm not friends with them what is this sure which by the way I don't want to fast forward I'll get to it but so anyways the big night was upon us and then we met up early and something happened to me that day oh I left therapy I didn't get any seller spot so I was feeling a little bummed yeah

yeah you off a ledge there but I walked to the park and you texted you like I'm up here early and I'm like I'm up here early we met up at the Columbus Circle Mall yes just fun went to the Ted Baker factory a factory store whatever yeah yeah that was cute you you walked in wearing all Ted Baker and the lady didn't give a shit yeah she didn't really care but then she made an interesting proposition that you get a 75% discount because they want you to wear Ted Baker right so if I wanted to buy Ted Baker I could get a job work one shift spend a thousand dollars there and get whatever seventy five thousand

dollars worth the clothes and then quit the job yeah I guess so I mean I could buy everything in there it sounds like a curb it's not bad it's not bad I'd like to come in just to see you working at a register I mean maybe I'll buy you some items I would like that you come in I know oh we could do a whole coup or whatever you call I pretend I don't know you yes and then I try on a bunch of clothes for you oh then you know I give you my I type in the discount which I'm sure is a against the rules but I'm quick anyway you're quitting the gig so then we both get 75% off wow I love we could do a whole bonus f about this yeah

maybe I'll try to get fired because I don't need to get another job I'll take my balls out and put it on somebody's head you could get unemployment now I didn't get to work for a while that's right there'll be a lot more people taking advantage of that system it's good point not that there's not people taking advantage of the system don't tweet me I understand boy the wall it's going up really it's not up but anyway so we walk over to the gig and and we knew one of us gonna be first I was sure it was gonna be me well we know everybody this guy's on SNL she's on Netflix he's got a radio show and we had no juice no juice

one of us will be going the bullet but you got more juice than I got juice you got a Netflix I know but it doesn't mean anything it doesn't sir I got a smoothie I do I do have I don't have a juice I have a smoothie maker whatever okay but anyways we go in there I'm first but what a line up Gaffigan bailed well he was stuck in a little place called aspen look at the show and you got the hot spot your third I got the best spot goes me Brendan Burns he's a little foreigner you then it was gonna be big J then Michelle yeah but big J was late for his radio show cuz Michelle was gonna have a tough spot following big

J that's no that's no cupcake spot that's not a peach spot cuz he riffs and raps he goes off the cuff he's so goddamn natural and effortless what a what a comedian I mean that guy is as good as it gets and it's it takes so long to get the respect in this business he's a 20 year guy yeah and people start to bring him up oh and big J's great he should be brought up with Chappelle to me wow Chappelle you all men and all those guys these guys big J I mean you ever see big J eat it not one I've seen him eat but I've never seen him eat it I mean he just kills and it's cry work it's bits story no matter what situation he

murders he has to go last on every show I got a story I did the impractical Joker's cruise one of the shows was in the lobby of the boat so basically just like a little not little it was like a big ballroom kind of thing where he was just open and people just coming and going to have to walk through he was killing I ate a dick Stan hope ate a huge dick and then big J went up at the end sat on a stool and just ripped it well here's the thing about big J and this should be the end of all these conversations he's not a hack right now now he's great so he's a non-hack that has to go last on the show yes so how is

he not the best comic I mean this burr obviously like this famous people that can go after him yeah yeah but he would also be fine following them yeah he can do it he can do it all it's versatile it's one thing if you're an unfollowable hack if you're like hey that guy's gonna go up there and do whatever but he's a reason he's purely original he's completely himself and everyone's like would you mind going last nobody wants to go I don't want to follow big J but here's the knock on J big J is one of the best but he's he's dirty he's blue so I think you can't work him everywhere I see but I like I like blue I love blue I'm

not saying for me I'm saying for the dumb industry no I understand but fuck the industry I'm saying I'm saying just talk around the water cooler yeah oh yeah now he's the king everybody knows that and he's still so sweet and humble and nice sweet and humble yes I agree like pie yeah five that's a 3.444444 I believe no it's three point one four five or five four and then it's all crazy numbers it's like nine six zero three two one you're thinking of one third three point three point three three three three three what is that I mean thirty three point three three three naked gun yeah and a thirty three and a

third I don't know maybe you weren't thinking that tell you what people say you're thinking this yeah I was thinking about pussy all right all right so anyways we get there and then everyone starts everyone starts showing up and then burrs there everyone's nervous you know don't win this food everywhere and all the characters are there like all the all the lady comedy people who help out are all there well I don't know what you call them like the I guess they're like the industry women in the industry but they're like the cool ones they're like the ones we know like we all they were running bar shows when we were

starting out oh yeah they're like in in the mix with all the cool comedy stuff they're all sight for sore eyes oh they're all you got a Becky and Louisa and McCalla and there's a couple other ones yeah the pillars yeah you walk in you're like oh Becky's one of those people every time you see you're like all right I love that back she's like the big J of non-comedians yeah you see you're like oh thank God and no matter what you go through in this biz you know it's like men are scum and me too and all this you know sometimes you get like oh I'm a guy do these women hate me you know I like to fart and blow a

snot rocket and put my finger up my friend's ass are they grossed out am I a grossed sis dude then you see them and he goes ah we're all cool everybody's chummy yeah it's nice it's a good feeling it was a it was a lovely feeling all night by the way also Rebecca Trent was also there and Deb yeah Deb yep yep yeah so just great and you show up and I always have that like ah these guys are all amazing I don't I don't feel like I belong here but you go fuck it I was picked yes I'm in I'm on the lineup I'm on the list and it just feels good going out there like a lot of tweets so you wait you to go up first a rich boss hosts yes

the legend rich boss and it's 3000 people big balcony's beautiful New York City Center beautiful theater sold to the brim and you go out there and just rip it and wrap it and everybody's going oh shit this guy's first right we got a hell of a show ahead of us here hot crap well first of all cipher sounds did a great job he does some fun stuff beforehand so he's doing kind of bits and jokes gives a little flavor Boston about 12 minutes then he gave me a gift by referring to pedophiles as pedophilias yes and I go pedophilias and then Burr came over and he's like you better shit on him for saying pedophilias right now

like no a lot of pressure no problem and then I just walked out and went keep a go for rich boss and then waited a beat and went pedophilias and I got like a laugh so I was like I don't have anything else on that but come on and also rich said this guy's from Boston so he's good friends with Patrice and I felt like I had to address it I was like I'm not friends with Patrice at all yeah you would you're an addresser I have to address I was like I've met him four times he made fun of me he wouldn't be able to pick me out of a line up especially now but even the day before he died he would be like maybe he would be

like oh DePaul's opener maybe maybe but I think he would be like oh maybe I've seen this guy even that I don't know who when you work with him when you meet him at DePaul's barbecue like three years in a row then one time at stand-up New York we sat next to each other and I tried to be like hey Nick DePaul's opener and I don't know he said something whatever I fucking fuck you you know alcoholic nerd whatever pretty nice guy yeah so I just felt like I had to and then later Vaughn was like hey thanks for saying that we appreciate it because we all looked at each other like what the fuck which is good to address

you got to address the Gettysburg because I'm like I'm happy to be here representing a new generation of comics or whatever you're not gonna bullshit I don't I'm not friends with Patrice O'Neill yeah yeah all right I respect that nor nor was I but so I had the pedophilia's line then though we weren't friends line both got laughs and so you're like okay this seems like it's gonna be good then you do the first bit that hits and then they were just hot yeah those big theaters it's like doing a TV tape yes you just feel like let me just get these jokes out just say the things they're getting the laughs and

what's and similarly once you get a couple laughs you're like it's smooth sailing we're having fun yeah and we do so many come guzzling funny bones and mall comedy and rough rooms and Saturday late shows all that this is just cake it's lunch all day long and all you got to do really is a comic because you know the bits you know what kills you know what works you know when the callbacks are so you just got to time it out with their laughing yes once you got that down it's easy peasy well that's the great thing about putting in all the work yes is that when it's time for a big one my cross-country track and field coach

used to say this all the time practice is hard so the meat or the match is easy that's why when it's what's his time you just do the thing yeah yeah we put in all the hard work already you got the weights off and you're not running through the mud yeah you suck your own dick and coming your mouth but so I went first they killed then you're thrilled to go first yeah once you kill as you were done you're done and then you went up and had I would say the set of the night I don't want to say it but I feel like it was hard to gauge from the side it was hard to gauge because I was seeing some people like oh this is bad then I would

kind of get closer I'm like oh he's killing yeah yeah it was hard to gauge but you killed everything hit hard and I mean set of the nights I'm saying it because you killed everything hit but you were also the new guy where the new guys I was the no one saw it coming I was a sleeper so obviously like Burr crushed sure but even him I think they were getting tired he has a long show it's also time in I was not even worth saying set of the night because it makes it competitive yeah but it was amazing and I saw a ton of tweets say he he fucking killed he read by you yeah that was a fart some guys that my farts are

pathetic I heard it's very hurtful yeah come on that's insensitive so yeah wolf went up and killed it then big J was so great big J just comes in he sits on a stool and he's got a chain wall hanging he's just murdering yeah amazing to watch and then a gullman gullman's always great we know one of the best writers we all love the gull and Chris Redd had a good set he ripped Burr went up and just took it on home baby who are we forgetting anybody oh did we forget anybody I don't think we forgot anybody big fat pale gaff didn't show Gaffigan couldn't make it which was a bummer too because you wanted you want to you want him to see it you

want all these big guys to be but he's another guy that knows everybody he knows what everyone's doing you think oh yeah I see him like he's like oh hey Joe how's it going he's like I hate these hacks or whatever yes so I think he's aware and I think he checks line-ups he likes that they'd like you gotta know who's coming up I guess so yeah the best ones do we like comedy like the fact that some kid is probably like 19 or 21 starting comedy he's gonna write a joke I've never heard that's exciting that's that's the wonderful thing about jokes is that in the entire history of the language no one has ever put these this series of

words in that order unbelievable and when they did put them in that order it resulted in unbridled enthusiasm yes just joy involuntary laughter well you're on today with the vocab you took all these words you put them together and everyone yeah that's insane no one did it it's insane great about stand-up is it's one guys or one guy one person one person one fluid transditional binary human being you take one personality and it tweaks and twists everything up there's no committee there's no let me try this let me try that maybe if you thought about this it's just your own

just yeah oh similar just yeah yeah yeah and you take it you put it out in the world and it's great and sometimes it's awful and sometimes it's amazing it's uh it's very exciting it was a big night then the after-party no which I said first of all the after-party it was like 12 neighborhoods away it was far it was a half-hour drive it was in the Lower East Side half-hour drive that the drive whoa we had a rough car too we had a bad bad group but a couple deviled eggs in there it was not pretty first of all I don't understand why the after-party is not in the same location well they want to allow first of all I think we had to

get out of the venue all right all right but why isn't it across the street that's the question because I've always felt this way we've talked about to me a party is just the people right it's about having this group of people we're all gonna hang out so why do we have to travel seven miles yeah why not just have this group somewhere close to here I agree so we all traveled down there and it felt a little done it felt like Billy Billy bats is welcome home party the balloons were dying there was nobody was really exciting or celebrating and then we kicked the shit out of a guy that this but we went down there but that

turned out to be a good hand we had some meatballs and then you me and Michelle Wolf and your dame and Becky you talked about what guys we would that was pretty good Shane Gill there and Shane Gillis yeah yeah we all just pulled up who's hot who's not cuz it's so fascinating for a guy because women know who's hot yes and guys don't know who's hot we think we know and you go what about that guy and they go oh but then another woman go I agree I think he's not see like wait you disagree but you agree and you start getting in there yeah you want to know but then when you start hearing who's really hot it doesn't it doesn't bode

well for me no you know there's a lot of this extra bullshit factored in with the lady yeah I got something you got something I got funny you're nice you're smart vocab glasses hair something in your throat that keeps coming back yeah I appreciate that thank you I'm gonna get in the line maybe oh you think about it yeah shave my pubes and get in the line see what happens I keep the pubes but anyways it was a special night proud to be part of it and yeah I feel like more something else happened in there that I wrote down but I can't remember what it was something I mean a gaffer getting those showed the food was fun I loaded up

on granola bars like you wouldn't believe the food at the after party sucked Burr came up and apologized for the food yes it was a nice moment nice in my head I was like get a photo with them then I said don't do it yeah and then he bailed he had to leave he had a flight to catch and yeah it was a great night I went home and made love to the lady and had a couple scotches and yeah it was just one of those great nights you take the whole night off you do 12 minutes and that's it yeah special night by the way was the lady perturbed when I hopped out of the car I got a bad oh no that was nothing oh all right because she did a all right

goodbye and I was like oh should I have said I love you and you want to keep hanging oh okay all right all right I got nervous because I was I took an uber some of the way to your place right uber driver was very off but he sucked I jumped right out of it but well I think I got nervous she got a laugh out of you at one point might have been a fake but either way we'll take it that's really real and boy they met the world to her okay good yeah well you're tough not to crack well you know I got I got problems I got anger I got issues I just came from therapy and I'm very upset I'm going tomorrow good thinking so tell me

about I want to hear about the big ring of keys Key West it's actually quite little ah went down to Key West third year in a row I did the Frank Costanza it's like he's got some kind of a phobia it's a silver dollar collection oh I love that that guy is so good oh yeah sung young moon um anyways Key West went down there and my pals Joe Madaus and Tom Dustin they started this room together and it's really blossoming it's turned into a real thing it's a great room it's a good layout it works it always sells out Key West comedy you got to go down there so I went down there third time going the

first time Sarah and I we nailed I nailed the travel I flew to Fort Lauderdale Wednesday night just stayed at an airport hotel woke up fresh the next morning drove down then took the Saturday off and just hung at the beach that's the way to do it bookend it with some so low stress wait a minute I didn't even see a beach well we went to Miami but there's a beach in Key West to a small one that we found at this place called Larger heads bar they have a man-made beach at the bar like outside it was a little we went swimming in the ocean it was for the golf whatever it is because I didn't get on the jet ski and

we go to like a sandbar where that was about it yeah that's fun but this is this place called Larger heads they bring the sand down for Miami just dump it on like the rocky road to Dublin made it a beach sure ice cream so it's pretty cool but so yeah so this time I had the flights were expensive because it's peak you gotta go down in April or something expensive it's Valentine's Day my mother's gay so big dick we got the flight 6 a.m. flight and it's jet blue so we gotta wake up at 4 a.m. and we go to bed at 2 I can't go to bed early we've talked about it we go to bed at 2 I toss and turn like a fucking big douche yeah

was he like a manatee that we would later see oh it'll bury the lead fatty or a woman tea uh-huh person T so we get mr. T so we get or misses the full T bone I see so nasty so we get down there 4 a.m. flight we wake up the alarm goes off it's one of those days it's a lot of me to tease you I'm missing some T cells so I wake up it's one of these ones where the alarm goes off we have this this when you know it's no good when you go yes well you know like that we go because I've been asleep for eight minutes sure sure so we wake up it's 4 a.m. we're off to JFK I'm in the Uber and now you know me I got what we

call Joe CD yes I quadruple check everything I look at the terminal it says terminal a now I'm no fucking fool I'm familiar with jet blue and JFK that's terminal 5 you know your term so I go terminal a there's no terminal a at JFK I look it's LaGuardia what jet blue has just recently moved over to LaGuardia good for them so I'm so happy I double I did a quadruple quintuple check good for you your Octomom said hey we got to take it to LaGuardia instead which is about 20 minutes closer to my house yes so now we get there when the only ones there there's no security we walk in it's 412 a.m. and the flight leaves at 6 so now

Sarah hates me because we're just there nine hours early and I'm eating frosted flakes like a douche get to Fort Lauderdale they're great rent a car the shuttles 20 minutes away they drop us off at the first location it's all enterprise hurts but I rented from fucking Steve's rental we're in Miami this is in Fort Lauderdale sorry so I go and I go it's hurts and enterprise and all these big thing I go hey where is that you ever hear of fucking Pete's crazy caps yeah crazy rentals and they go oh that's down the street you gotta get a different shuttle I hate the shuttles so now we gotta wait 20 minutes for this

shuttle I'm on two hours sleep finally get that shuttle we go over to fucking Willie's rental car a big will a piece of shit car hop in that thing we drive it's a four-hour drive then I see a chick filet for our Miami Fort Lauderdale oh oh jeez sorry I keep saying Miami Fort Lauderdale the Key West plus traffic oh I got another far let's see if this one's a fucking dud you jerk I love a good jerk before a fart now that was a dud baby that one's spelled out like a god I was like asshole Jesus upside down it'll work oh go to my throat that thing's spelled out oh man that's settling it dropped a picture of

Kool-Aid that was wet I think I open a window I got a throat problem serious I think I got HPV related cancer you might you might I got a Michael Douglas you never know cuz I like a facet it's happening to a lot of young people and I got a bump back there it's a little coffee oh I don't know what's what maybe we'll take a look I'm gonna ask the dentist tomorrow the dentist he doesn't know about the throat you gotta go to your nose and throw well I'm going anyways the dentist but that does say a lot of the throat cancer people say your dentist will know they know they'll see something up and he's a doctor so he's

studied something that doctor Schmock there anyways we drive down I see a sign for Chick-fil-A now I've said this before if I was the mayor of the governor of the president whatever the fuck I would make a law if you have an advertisement on the highway it says food this exit by law it should have to have the mileage hmm underneath it of how far off the exit I like that cuz you could go 10 miles out of the way it says Burger King this exit Chick-fil-A this exit we come down it's 3.2 miles which is 6.4 down and back down and back so you just added six miles to my chair and this isn't highway six this is

fucking back what town bullshit yes so that added about 45 minutes to the trip I don't want to get into the whole fucking story it was crazy I'll get into it we ate Chick-fil-A then I'm in a left turn only across three lanes and there's a huge gas truck or something like a 18-wheeler one of those giant rigs tanker yeah a big tanker in front of us and we're in traffic because it's not a protected left so it takes us literally 25 minutes just to take a left right here I swear to God that's insane there would be one car every every light cycle yes and there was about 10 cars in front of you don't get the arrow there's no arrow

there's an arrow but the traffic on that side sucks so it's all gridline it's hard to explain okay so you got to wait yes so finally and the arrow is very brief it's a brief arrow hey the brief error so finally 18-wheeler gets the arrow and he starts turning left so I start turning right behind I'm like alright finally we're getting through and I'm frustrated I'm ready to get back on the road 25 men yes so then what I don't realize the truck the rig is so big it couldn't complete the left because it hits the sidewalk of a gas station but I'm right on his tail and now he starts backing up oh you're in

the middle of the interest at Sarah starts freaking out she's like you gotta back up he's gonna kill us it's an oil truck you piece of shit like I can't back up there's a car right behind me and she's like well why did you pull so close I'm like I didn't fucking know he was gonna take the left of course how often does that happen you give people space to make a left normally just make a left I know and the struck it's not even an 18-wheeler I'm giving you a bet it's some kind of truck I've never seen it's like some kind of crazy construction it's like a huge bohemian eventually he's so stuck long story

short he just powers it over the curve and pulls into this gas station thing because he can't even make it out of there wow my cruise along behind we honking are people honking is there a situation no one's talking but it's a situation to us and like we're like screaming at each other she's like why did you do that I'm like I'm doing the best I can and you're on no sleep you're gay the shuttle exactly I'm like it's not my it's his fault wow I'm not I'm not tailgating I'm like the appropriate distance behind and I'm trying to get the fuck out of here we're sure yes sing it sister so anyways we get out of there

drive all the way down there's traffic on route one so we're exhausted Thursday show though Key West comedy Key West one of the best shows I've ever had in my life now you're napping not really who you're on two hours you're shifting gears you're on a different hemisphere basically but here's the thing I'm dead tired but once you get there you go I want to get out here I mean Key West you gotta get out we only have a day and a half it's beautiful you're finally out of the car I want a cigar yeah helping the bumps in my throat haha that could be it be a polyp I bet it's a pile what's a pop those are bad

are they not pops are it I don't know a pop but a pop comes and goes is that right yeah but it's teeny yeah teeny Paul okay all right maybe I got teeny Paul pocket Paul sounds like a mobster teeny Paul he was a bad man anyway would be big there's always a tiny guy big ironic names haha get the paper the papers so that one's not it's pretty literal I do it right after I said I wonder if I'll let that slide and don't address he josey D so we get down there we still will walk around we're having cigars I'm exhausted I'm pooped I'm telling you I'm pooped I believe it so I do but one

of the best I mean Sarah the center of her life I had a fucking one of the best sets I've ever had Thursday crowds are hot great show I sat out there had my second cigar of the day Johnny Paul Jesus Tony soprano over here but the Paul was there beforehand well you've smoked a few in your life yeah but not but you think that but then it's like George Burr that people smoke a cigar a day that's true I smoke about 50 cigars a year maybe all right all right and the summer it's more I mean I'm so I'm smoking maybe one every other week on average all right for most of the year and then the summer I'll have sometimes

I'll have two on a day if I'm in Florida or whatever the fuck yeah you're not WC fields over here no was he smoking cigars I don't think so as a bad mark twain twain may grow Joe Groucho they all lived a long life that's true cause me to he scar well he's a big cigar guy because we 49 he's smoking a cigar it's great how do you like that oh my god I gotta pick up the pace oh geez sorry we're dangling and dangling we do the show now here's the other thing to happen so there it's so expensive down there cuz it's February and the whole thing they couldn't find a hotel toms call me go on the hotel is gonna be

$900 we're gonna do gonna hit kill a whole profit margin yeah so I'm not gonna profit anyways but so he finally goes we got a deal we got the super deal there's an old man the curry mansion famous big old mansion hotel old house the guy gives me the attic he's like I only rent this out to family members it's not really for and we're doing construction huh and the bathroom is outside of the room it's one of these deals they find this gig tall toms like the mayor down there he talks to everybody he's the Key West mayor so we go in there and the guys like there's gonna be construction at 9 a.m. they're giving us the super

discount so at 8 57 a.m. circular saw right next to my head I mean it's a fucking it's outside the room right I put it on Instagram story I mean they're right outside there so no gig on money pit the movie it was insane no sleep and so it was a rough sleeping thing yeah Saturday we drove it we did the shows were amazing Friday not as good as Thursday but still great and we just have the best time down there it's like family you know Tom and I have been friends for almost 20 years we live together for years he's the funniest guy yeah so we just had a great great time we walked everywhere we went to the

beach we swam and just a good time when I'm in Key West I just feel great there's nothing like having that air on your skin when you're walking with short sleeves it's so true 82 degrees is just perfect it's perfect and and everything melts off of you you know like you don't have a care in the world in Key West I was walking through those residential streets like where Tom stays yeah the trees are blowing there's no people go my own bikes you got a beer buzz it's something nice about it it's really beautiful I hate to ball stream a Buffett guy I just love the the scene I love I love the city the town I love

that room I love what they're doing with it so yeah go check it out check it out it's lunch it's a they're doing a real good thing down there if you get to Key West pop in it's the only game in town it really is and then we went and did Miami Miami was fun but also it just exhausted there was a 45 minute backup just blood red on the Google Maps and then you know what it turned out to be take one big fat guess is it the the rubber neck no rubber neck I would have killed for a rubber neck it was a flea market what they got a big flea market in fucking suck your dad's dick key and it's all they have so the parking is on

one side of route one and the flea markets on the other side so every time a pedestrian crosses they stopped the traffic it's one lane road that's it 45 minutes I was hoping to see a death or a leg or a blow job but it's just a fucking flea market wow keep bump yeah a bunch of rednecks just waiting to cross the street so yikes anyways Miami was pretty good met a nice Tuesday down there took a photo he loves you he had a photo with you from Irish exit Key West was magical I'm back I'm exhausted I go to Fort Worth on Thursday yeah oh that's coming up yeah this Thursday Fort Worth Thursday Friday so would you get two days

down there and then one day in Miami yeah but not even a day in Miami really we just drove it literally took like it almost took five hours because he stopped eating and that traffic was brutal yeah there's a second traffic for a flipped car that was actually pretty neat there we go my little action but anyway so then we we got up there by the time we got up there we took a nap there in Miami did the show and then came right back all right well and then a 7 a.m. flight Sunday so I was oh man oh god so I had the word I had the exact opposite you had Key West 82 degrees air on your ass I had fucking

Syracuse snow up my dick when chill fuck your mother eat my own semen weather the whole thing Syracuse my least favorite whereas you're in what are your favorite places yeah and I'm on the top you're on the bottom it was brutal but some Tuesdays came out it was a little better I had an orange game which they lost to Duke so that like killed the whole city crazy game to you know what happened with Bayheim there oh he ran over again yeah dead dead is a traffic flea market doornail exactly so that couldn't help their coaching no but so we had that then we had something else it was a it was a tough tough go there was like an

Irish festival at some point where they're drinking outside and yada yada they got green beer and their mom's gay so it was a tough sled but I got Sean Murphy out there he's a killer feature act so good check out this guy Sean Murphy I don't think he has a video up on YouTube to save his life but this guy is a killer he's like an ugly or you I'd say oh wow yeah that's pretty ugly how are his farts okay okay but man he's a good writer good joke guy and he's a real comic you know like when the when there's a host on and he's going all right the host is doing this I gotta step it up I gotta pick it up then he gets off he's

like they're okay they're a lot of work you got to watch out left sides talking like he gives you the good soldier in your in your foxhole you want I like that I like that too I hate the guy who goes up in bombs and he goes all right where's the bar you're like what how is it what's going on we're still working yeah I've been both those guys same I'm both those guys I'm talking about myself but uh yes he goes up and he's the perfect guy you wanted to at a tough club that's a tough room that Syracuse it's in a mall it's next to a Margaritaville it's in a shit town it's tough I think I'm there in August or April or September look

you were at Margaritaville Jimmy Buffett I was at the mall the original Margaritaville yes oh yeah that just became a Margaritaville but that bar is dead no matter what they put in there dead all week long every time I go to that funny bone I walk out and there's one guy singing a sad tune to one fat lady yeah that's what it was yeah every time yeah that was the guy singing so it was we got through a lot of ice cream we had dinosaur barbecue we did everything you can do in Syracuse which is three things and we got the morning the hotel breakfast you live it up you live and learn I flew the lady out we made sweet

love we just all over a hotel room I ruined the sheets and the blinds and what else do we do we did the mall we got sushi one day and yeah so Sunday gig flight out on Monday morning it's a 48 minute flight from Syracuse to Manhattan or Brooklyn or whatever it's Queens so I got a flight at 9 30 so I go I'll be in New York by 1045 I'll be at my house by 11 30 we're gonna do a pot at one this will be easy peasy Japanesey wake up a little early get the morning breakfast stuff my face with horrible eggs get to the airport at 8 30 I'm right on time say bye to the driver God bless America get there oh flights delayed all right

it's a 48 minute flight I can sit on this don't push the panic button yeah not yet and then canceled oh yeah hate to see a cancel throat canceled yes cancel culture so I'm like god because you know we have delays all the time you're really gonna cancel yeah almost never almost never I had like five cancels in my life so I go god damn we got a cancel so now I'm going all right let me call United get on the next one see what else is available everything's out it's booked Jerry booked so I now every businessman and Tom Dick and anal are on their phones going ah Johnson I told you to get me this and I'm not gonna

come in today and there's a pregnant lady like I'm gonna give birth right here you know everybody's panicking you know it's mayhem so so I think outside the cunt so I go hey I took an Amtrak here sure it's a six-hour ride but at this point I look at my United app I'm getting out at 6 30 p.m. getting home at 7 45 so you lose the whole day yeah so I'm like I'm not gonna sit in the airport and I don't have a hotel that's checked out yeah so I go let me check the Amtrak there's an Amtrak leaving in 38 minutes okay okay now we'll check the Google Maps see how far Amtrak is from the airport exactly 18 minutes there you got 20 minutes to

you and me now you go when I do lift so I call the lift or I go do a lift thing 10 minutes away 10 minutes of space yes but then you gotta think okay these Amtranies they don't take they don't they don't wait till you're on there they'd leave at that time certainly do but they're late a lot they are late yes much like Patrice so I go all right let's do it I get the goddamn Uber and every now and then you know these ubers will fuck you right up the tailpipe but this guy was like what's that you got to get there we're gonna make it in six that guy the gung-ho guy I love the gung-ho guy the GHG yes the gung-ho guy

horrible Asian name so we barely say I'm from Syracuse born and raised I'm half Puerto Rican I'll stab you right now bitch and he's just driving cutting and zigging and zagging through the highway it's like crazy wind all the schools are closed the snow everywhere he's zipping so we get there boom get my ticket the whole thing 30 minute delay aha they're always delayed always delayed but either way here's the clinker we got to wrap this up clink me and wrap it so I get a text or an alert oh my phone it's from United flight is now back on oh come on leaving at 1230 now the Amtrak would get me home at four okay four

ish and I got I'll get me home at 130 and I go do I go back to the airport is that even a thought that's a tough move that's a tough move the buzz they might give it away your seat by the way well I don't think they can legally are you just walked away you didn't walk away to walk out so now I'm here with a dilemma I'm like I got a train booked bought 20 minutes out and I'm here and it was a 25-minute Uber or $25 Uber or I could go redeem my flight get home at 130 and go back to the airport hmm so I go what do I do I have a couple hours because the flight's not till 1230 so I go I can think about this but that train's a

train is now train is now slow train coming so I go I'm gonna do the train nice take the train good work you think so I think so I would have gotten home three hours earlier yeah but who cares we're here and worked out we're gonna killer pod going your home you got a flight credit I assume well I get on the train get another alert oh cancel yeah you did the right thing fuck the air that's too windy out there the wind's thanks yeah stinky wind it's a mighty wind and I listen to the way to the wind to my soul and you're putting some hot wind on me so what are you gonna what do you got coming up well this weekend as you know

Fort Worth Fort Worth kid I'm at the Fort Worth hyenas excited about a new city I've never spent any time in that city it's the best of the hyenas oh that's what I've heard too yeah that's what they say so come on out to that one hyenas this weekend Thursday Friday Saturday then the following weekend Mugubi's joke house in Timonium Maryland that'll take it out of you yeah that can be work but I'll be down there so come on out and then March 20th to the 24th kid I'll be at the fucking Vegas comedy cellar with Ari Vecchione you and Vita yeah baby we're gonna have a great time the weekend after that last

weekend to March I'm back at Rooster Teeth Feathers I love that club they're always good to me so please come on out if you're in the silicone Valley sunny veil Rooster Teeth Feathers I don't know the dates on that whatever it is March 28th or something 29 I think it is 27 28 29 and then the weekend after that a lot of room on the road hard what do you call it Capp City in Austin April 3rd 4th 5th 6 6 is my birthday come out pack the show you're gonna have a blast and fun a town Magnolia soco and lime the whole thing so that's me comedian Joe list.com I just upgraded the updated the site come on out to that oh here comes

another far Wow that was the closer that was a heavy one it was a little delayed but you got it yeah little juice on it I got some fun stuff Philly this weekend my favorite club in the country I can't wait one show is already sold out so get on it folks this is gonna this is gonna go I got my album coming up so I'm really just bringing the heat of the hour is honed it's tight it's gay so come out to helium in Philadelphia this weekend it's all the way through Sunday so get a goddamn ticket then I'm doing a fun little pop-up show in Baltimore on the 6th of March are you there then it's a Wednesday yeah no I leave the next day

well come down that day with you that's called gin and jokes so I hear it's a hot show I can't wait big umar had me there so then I'm in South by Southwest I'll tell you what shows I'm doing then I'm in Royal Oak Michigan good town good people then we're in the Vegas you mentioned that then I'm doing comedy club on state folks Madison Wisconsin one of the best comedy clubs in the whole good damn universe Atlanta ATL laughing skull Tempe improv all you Twats have been asking why are you gonna come down to Phoenix when are you coming to Tempe when are you coming to Arizona this is it Tempe improv I got Chris Al

coming down there then we got some hot stuff you know who maybe working in Europe not saying anything Rochester New York comedy at the Carlson bananas and Hasbro Heights coming back to Jersey and a lot of fun stuff Mark Norman comedy.com also Tacoma and yeah check the patreon we got video up there tell Burr we said hello we thank him we love him we love you kiss your aunt on the cheek and yeah braze Allah watching music