Tuesdays with Stories! - #287 Thrice On Thrush

Episode Date: March 5, 2019

We've got a medical emergency on this weeks Tuesdays With Stories! as Joe runs all over the city trying to find out what wrong with his f*cked up throat before he has to see John Mellencamp in concert! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy spitting at me hey everybody we're starting we're here I don't know I got a bluster I'm

blustered a little too I just got out of Philadelphia and now I'm here I tell you I fell asleep on the train woke up and there was a lady walking past me and I go where are we she goes New York I go oh geez oh my god thank God I woke up holy shit it's such a quick ride it's you know see opposite of Auschwitz mmm that was a long ride yeah I believe that was long and there must have been some Jews close to Auschwitz there must have been a couple of 20 minute rides yeah maybe I don't know I want to go there I really want to go to Poland yeah I'd like to go to Poland I heard the cities are really pretty and cool but then you

got to go see this history but people always think you're fucking weird if you're like you're going on vacation to see a whatever you call it I think it's concentration camps I think people do that it's like a what do you call it a destination yeah I think it's somewhat popular but how many people do you know that have gone to see Auschwitz I know a couple Jews who've done it but they were already in Europe they're like well pop over right right yeah this would be a just go there see it but I should lose this is one of my favorite movies I like history I'm fascinated I like to cook like one of the Seinfeld diner yes

exactly Jews there the other were so I'd like to go I'd like to go see some things but I'm flustered I just took a crazy route here I took the train here because you came in a little earlier so I was kind of down and I couldn't turn away from this Michael Jackson doc people are talking I stabbed 45 in his head and I mean it's fascinating he's got his butt cheeks spread it's a whole situation that's a horrible snack it's not good he put that on bread I guess but are you are you hurting are you flustered I'm not flustered are you taking a back because I saw people on Twitter like I watch it I can't sleep I

can't think straight I'm gay yeah I have a to me it's like oh man that's I I have trouble being devastated by watching a document I'm watching it going what that's fucking horrible Jesus but I'm not like I'm not gonna cry or lose sleep you don't know the people yeah I mean I feel terrible yeah for the victims and it's compelling but it's not yeah I don't have a thing of like I got a weep and go call my father no I don't know but yeah it's pretty wild it's jarring yeah sure you're definitely like Jesus a channel I'll give it a while I couldn't watch the R. Kelly one I don't know it's too much I gotta be in a mood for it I give

me a I like fiction I mean I like a documentary but I don't know it's it's too sad to me it's too real I can't take it for a minute well it's a bummer but it's done really well it's like it's like the Ted Bundy you're like fat they all by the way they're all very the same now they have that drone shot yes like the house and slowly pans back with the same music but it's haunting and it's fascinating but yeah they were basically like dating it's crazy oh really like a ten-year-old boy they're just on the road together and then it gets pretty wild he's like I blew you while you were sleeping it's like no it seems like a

good boyfriend I mean he's paying for everything probably and yeah flying around the thing that I think is upsetting is he's a child ah the kid yeah you know if I'm gonna get molested I'm you're hoping it's King of Pop you don't want to be Jared Fogle yeah I mean if you're gonna be the victim of the worst crime on earth sure it you'd rather do it with a private jet in Hawaii I suppose yes and a monkey and I think he's got a McDonald's in his living room apparently oh wow really that's what I heard that's what Cully Culkin said no kidding so he was a clean was cleaning up it was the same when you go to a guy's apartment he's

like I got eight vibrators I got a I got a sex swing I got a flowers I got expensive this and that he knows what women like mm-hmm but Michael Jackson knew what the kiddos liked well it seems like he is a kid it's like this weird arrested development thing I don't know if I buy that either he seems like a psychopath that's praying on children yeah but he seems very unhuman because the face is so crazy all the surgeries and like the color is weird his nose is dinged up and then like he didn't do many interviews and he dances like a fucking space alien I watched about 20 minutes of him doing the robot it's a good watch

oh yeah yeah oh mind-blowing well he's a talent the biggest talent biggest and horrible monster to yeah he's talented at pedophilia I guess I suppose so it's one way to put it yeah I'm not a fan I don't condone certainly not you should wear a condone but wait let me throw this at you sure okay so let's say a kid consented this is all just discussing no kids can't consent but keep going oh oh they can't no what if a kid is you know you know some kids like are born a savant and they can just do math I mean if you fuck dookie howzer I'd let it slide but I well I'm just saying like if a kid was born with some kind of disease where it

made him mature quick hmm so he was like four but he had the brain of a 40 year old like a Benjamin Button thing yeah that's going backwards I'm talking about Benjamin fuck him yeah unbutton so he's you know this let's say this kid is super mature like he's wise beyond his years and he's like okay I'm only four but I actually have the brain of a 24 year old so I'd like to fuck right so he goes yeah I want to fuck Michael Jackson well if you could do a cat scan or something yeah like a whatever you call those we go in the tube and then they came out and they're like yeah he's got 28 year old brain yes and you could prove

that maybe he had adult brain syndrome yeah and maybe but still it's a crime I mean there's a crime is a crime he's got ABS but my point is if you got abs well most kids do if my point is if a kid if a kid goes hey I'm a girl and it's like he's got a dick and he goes I'm a girl we go well he's a girl but what if he goes hey I want to fuck MJ yeah what's the diff well I don't know I mean I don't want a kid to get diddled no we're kittled I'm just saying we're gonna get fucking killed well I'm just discussing I'm just throwing a I'm into it I like it poo into the wind here but if a kid wants it and if a kid wants to be a woman you go well

alright he's a lady he's we're gonna get the trans surgery but is that a real thing are they giving kids trans surgery are they just letting them wear a dress I think that might be happening I don't know a lot of cases where they're switching parts on a child I thought that was like a big debate right now that there was a whole thing I think it is but it might be a straw man I haven't seen a lot of news articles were like a six-year-old it's one thing like a boy might be wearing a dress or makeup I think well you shouldn't use straws but I don't know that there's been a but I could be wrong about this a genital

change operation on a child I think there has been a quite a few really I mean you know couple hundred in America I'd say you're saying there's a couple hundred transgendered children like full-on yes really I yeah people keep talking about it I think it's happening that these parents are going hey whatever the kid feels that's what he is and you go all right so we give the pills and the surge I feel like that would be the biggest news story if it actually happened not that they're identifying their kid I think that might be happening okay they're going oh yeah he's a girl his name Shelly oh all right I don't know about a

surgery I don't know either taking cuz they're not even pubescent yet yes exactly I think that's why people are up in arms I see all right well I gotta I gotta do some research on this one but yeah I think that yeah I think that fucking a child no matter what they say is they've probably been coaxed ah-ha into the sex yes coax blocked wait what cox cox but I see what you're going yeah folks that boy but well to do some research this is where Shelby would be a nice fit we got to get him into the bedroom he's trans and he's a kid I think I think he might show me could be 75 or 11 I can't tell it's tough you can't

get a read on him he's got a young face but an old soul maybe he's got ABS he might be an old man with IBS young man I think he's got scurvy and you know all simers maybe but he's he's he looks young he's youthful looking he's got great skin I don't think he's ever done a an alcoholic drink now he's got the lips of a fucking porn star don't get me started on those DSL's on that ABS boy so yeah I got I got nothing cuz I had a great weekend just in Philadelphia my favorite club in the country one of the best road weekends nice people Tuesdays coming out hot shows couple of drunks a lot of people get thrown out of there

that is the best club that throwing people out quietly oh yeah like you know stage you shaking hands bouncer's like well we threw out 30 AP we like what I didn't even see that wow they're the bet when you do I did that run a helium's and with all due respect to all the other clubs you do those helium rooms and like comedy on stage a few there's a few of them it ruins it for these other club you go to these other clubs and you're like what is that there's no waitress yeah I'm up here for 55 minutes I don't know what's going on light it makes such a difference to have someone come in the green room and not for too long but so

coming the green room and go all right you wait when do you want to light how much time you're doing we're gonna have Betty come back here she's gonna blow you the you go on stage this way the meet and greet this way that's Todd he'll walk you back there if you say give you a chicken wing if you want someone to beat someone up and the whole thing they're like how's the hotel yeah here you feel connected yeah you ever get in the green room you're like I don't know who's hosting is there a waitress or a waiter I'd like a cocktail I'd like a sandwich it's all moot I don't know how to get to the green room there's guest

spot there's a new feature every night every show sometimes then there's fucking just local comics in here busting my balls I don't even know who they are I hate a ball but I walk back here and some person goes hey I can't even hear you over the color your shoes I don't even know who you are what are you doing here yes I introduce yourself at least before you're gonna zing right and are you on the show because if you're not I don't have to show you any respect I just don't understand this like I want to go in the great like if I was at the comedy connection there was no way you could just walk into the green room while the

time is on stage I didn't fucking Greg you're all the walks off stage and you're just in the back we're just having a conversation we don't even acknowledge him well there's a new entitlement going around these days with the the youth very strange behavior they'll just throw shit at you they don't care who you are and then if you go hey what are you doing they go whoa what's up with this guy he's a little prickly like no no you're prickly yeah shit on me I don't even know you yeah it's one thing if they're like friends with the feature again they know you and they're like I just wanted to say hello I'm a fan

or whatever but it's weird to just I don't understand the opening with a zinger yeah we're like the first thing I have to respond to is like wait what who are you right I don't understand why I'm getting made fun of by someone that's not I don't know their name I don't know how they got here I don't know who they are I guess Joe list can't take a joke yes what the fuck is this I don't even know you how about a hello and I just did a fucking hour on stage in an hour of meet and greet I'm trying to take a take a breather here I'm wiped yeah yeah you're always on as always something but anyways yeah good weekend fun nights we

we I just went out with the staff and the great staff went out with the comics every now we stayed out I did a fucking 6 a.m. or where the sun's out oh wow yeah haven't done one of those in a while and we went to this diner and it was four of us we covered everything two black guys a Jew and me and we went through the whole gamut well that's fun we solved everything and figured it all out and what's bullshit what's not what's real what's important and then we walked outside that Sun was out and yeah that ruins your whole next day you know you wake up at 2 you're like who am I you're hung over I'm gay then you jerk off you

try to get a smoothie it's all ruined yeah I can't do it my body doesn't do it if I stay up later than 3 a.m. I'm fucked the next day oh really it's 305 that's not even drinking or anything wait a minute so you're never sitting at home watching the prices right at four in the morning I have that's how I know I'm fucked the next day I see so now I gotta go like last night I was watching the MJ doc here Jackson not Jordan he's he's a better person yeah a gambler and a dead dad right and I heard he might have been into the coke scene too the rumors believe it because he used to golf like 36 holes a day and then play

basketball and stay up all night but then looking back you're like oh it was the late 80s early 90s I think he was Sprite what do you mean he was a Sprite guy coke joke whoo whoo Michael Jackson was a Pepsi guy that's right yeah the commercial that's where he met fucking little Jimmy or Davey Donnie I can't remember the kid's name that's bad something with a Timmy little D something it was a very little D yeah well that's what you want a little bit oh might have been a huge D if MJ well I'm talking about the kid oh yeah but Michael he was so petite but he might have a huge hog yeah was he five eight petite like fit

oh yeah yeah well he's still a black guy exactly end of the day yeah well I have only 45 minutes in they might get to his circumference at some point let's hope so well did you go to that diner what's that diner has this three of them there's number one number two number three midtown yeah yes what a great city great city great comedy town I figured out why it's the best comedy town for me all right one it's a bunch of it's it's a bunch of mooks it's like you got your blue collar but then you got your colleges much like Boston yes very similar cities very similar but I think there's more minorities in Phil I would

say so well there's more black people there's more black people so that you get that whole mix which is good because they're they're around black people they're they're whitey and blacky mixing it up and then so then they don't get so freaked out by like racial material yes you know so that's good and then they got the colleges so they're smart too and then they got the hipster they have a little everything but they're still like I could get punched in the face at any moment in the city yeah eat some of that it's a tough town well and the room makes such a huge difference you can do some shows in Philly that I'm sure are

fucking nightmares yes yes you know what I mean but that a club they they throw people out they discipline they know how to run the club low ceilings low stage the whole thing it's perfect it's perfect it's my favorite number one with a bull I think I might have to fart please come a theme I people seem to like it one lady even likes it that was classic that was a sad one that was hot I got some medical problem I gotta get into it here oh let's hear about your your gay throat all kinds of gay problems first of all big shout out to Will and Lauren in Fort Worth these but the guy gives me a card it's thicker than fucking Michael

Jackson's cock it's just a huge car and I put it my pot and I could tell something's up with this car oh that's a good sign a thick car yeah very nice sweet couple didn't say much just said hey we want you to have this we appreciate it thanks for coming here blah blah people in Fort Worth are so grateful because everyone skips Fort Worth down nice city what's the diff like are they close are they next to yeah they're right next to each other okay the airport's like right in between which was fun I tweeted this the lift driver I saw that he says that dfw airport I was like this airport's huge he's like it's bigger than and by the way

he said this it's bigger than Manhattan which is true I was like oh wow then he added this because some people said he probably was thinking about Manhattan he was not because he said Manhattan yeah he said it's bigger than Manhattan and the state of Maine oh boy I knew this would this would really burn you so I just had to go all right wow and I want to do a bit about I'm like yeah if you missed your terminal it's a nine-hour shuttle to the weather so I did some research in Maine is 35,000 square miles and Fort Worth Airport 27 but the Fort Worth Airport has more coastline than it might matter I got a few of those

tweets oh you did yeah so will and Lauren give me a thick card yeah it's got four uber gift cards one for Adrian one for Sarah one for you what and then one for my agent none for me ironically no kidding one was for me 50 bones each 50 bucks I mean Adrian gets 50 bucks who does she what does she do Sarah I didn't even tell Sarah I just took it put it my own account but you're paying the rent yeah what are you gonna do that's not sure we split the rent but I know I go down on her leave all women 50 bucks that's 200 bones man you got two C notes bless the price of the show so thank you will and Lauren my god I mean I

love it I went home I put it on the uber eats I got some food delivered and I gotta tell you buddy buddy boy uh-huh I'm a new man how so diet has flipped I'm out with Chipotle I'm out with pizza I don't believe it I haven't had a coke in four days I haven't had a cock in three weeks wait you're out with Chipotle well Chipotle I gotta give it time I got a diagnosis I don't even know where to start with a good lunch well that's lunch I gotta go straight to therapy obviously I'm a fucking mess yeah apparently well a train a chain of new diet your whole identity is your diet you're a smoothie cunt you like a

marinara you like pizza you like wings what are you gonna do you've never eaten a vegetable I'm eating fish I'm eating I mean fucking nothing but fish and what's the other thing asparagus I started sticking asparagus in my house I like asparagus I did too let's get some asparagus love an asparagus party sure it's a weird party but all right all right so let me start from the beginning yeah as you might remember last week I was talking about I had some bumps in my throat I'm clearing my throat and coughing a lot yeah I could feel them like that so I read listen to the

episode and I was like boy I did a lot of coughing so I apologize for that I didn't mean to be so no I didn't call coffee um so I go to uh I had a dentist appointment on Tuesday wait let me let me get this straight here well you go so many times it's hard to keep track so Tuesday I had a dentist appointment Monday we did the pod and I had this fucking bump in my throat that's been off and on I feel a little weird a little like I have a cold or asthma or some shit yeah so I go to uh we did the podcast and I went to therapy I was talking about it there then I had a big smoothie

and my my mouth just blew up with this big pimply thing so I'm like I gotta go to make a doctor's appointment so like I'm going to the doctor I've been worrying about this for a week and ironically going to therapy has reduced my anxiety so in the old days I'd be obsessed with the bump in my throat yeah but now how's that ironic that's the point well I haven't got to the iris so I used to be obsessed but now for six weeks I'm just letting bumps grow in my throat whoa because I'm going that's nothing just relax don't look at it don't show everybody don't start googling the

worst thing you can do is google sure I hate the goog so meanwhile I'm doing this because I'm all relaxed and therapyed out and I got bumps spreading all over my ass and my face my lips I'm dying you got an outbreak so in some ways it's like you gotta not you can't panic and be anxiety and ask if you're looking at your mouth which I've been doing my whole life instead you gotta be like all right that looks like something let me go to the doctor yeah so I try to hit the panic button but really I should have hit the panic button or at least to go to the doctor button yeah you unpanicked when it needed panic I could

have I could have got this thing early yeah see that's the funny thing is I would have had that and been like ah what are you gonna do I would have never checked it out yeah I went so finally well finally it was enough that I was like I gotta go to the doctor so I went to the walk-in clinic right next to my dentist I had a dentist appointment at once I woke up at 10 went straight to the doctor Christopher walk-in but these walk-in clinics mm-hmm they don't they don't care they don't have insurance they just want to zingy in and out it's like a McDonald's of doctor and here's the thing with this

bump it would be there for a day and then go away for a day come back usually after I ate yeah so I go there the bumps not there so already I know they're gonna say I'm crazy do they hurt no hurt all right but it feels we I'm starting to feel like a little cough plus a bump a coffin bump coffin bump so I go to the doctor and I go I think oh I talked to Lucas Conley on Monday comedian Lucas Conley he's a nut I threw this out there I got these bumps and he looked he goes it's thrush you got thrush she's like I've had that so I start googling thrush I'm like that's what I got I got to go get some meds

yeah good band so I show up I go hey folks I know you hate this I preface I say I know doctors hate this when you have your own diagnosis but pretty sure I got a case of thrush here which is a yeast yes it's yeasty yes so I say I got some thrush and the woman goes that's unlikely kids only get then I start feeling like Jesus what's up with Conley she's kids get it but I was like well I'm a stressed guy and I have a lot of sugar those are two things that could cause it okay so she looks in she's like there's nothing here I don't know what you're talking about she's like you

don't have thrush for sure she's like I don't know what that this is I don't know what you're talking she literally says I don't know what you're talking about wow so I'm like all right they do a strep test which I'm like that's gonna be negative I don't have strep throat strep on oh I'm into that oh yeah big don't you kind of want to lay to hold your ankles and just plie you in the ass a little bit not for me all right what about when you come you she flicks it in your face like migs now migs

sounds the Williams oh okay geez which many people have pointed out I think run on we're talking about this but it feels like they should build a glass wall for the guy that whips his cum in people's face yeah good point he gets the bars yeah lector gets the window which I said I'm like they should just have all window it's like the craziest this is the craziest psychoist fucking stay to the right room we're like just put some glass on all the doors that's a good point he could throw anything at you yeah cum snot

Doritos but it's not like a carlton ranon had a great point too if we're going on the ranon train sure to Auschwitz great train he uh he said that he watched black clansmen have you seen it yes I saw it too and he goes the jew did all the work we talked about how big of a hero the black guy is the jew did everything right he goes in the undercover he's talking to the kkk I mean obviously had to because he's has white skin right but he's the hero right right so it's like that's a good point I never thought about there's a few things that did not make sense in that film

uh-huh like the end where they like they get the cop for being racist which is like never happened is like against the rule you can't just record somebody and like make lead them into the thing and get a fire that whole scene was like ridiculous yeah I think we might talk about this why did the black guy keep making the phone calls it made sense or make the first phone call but wouldn't you eventually just switch to adam driver right that way the same guy on the phone is the same guy talking that way you don't run the risk of being like hey don't you have two

different voices yeah maybe he thought that he would catch it on the phone I don't know it didn't make sense and then the last thing that didn't make the most sense to me was that in the last scene of the big climax the kkk realized that he's an undercover cop yeah and then they still go through with the terrorist attack uh-huh like they're like that guy's a cop he arrested me all right so let's go to that house and bomb it right you think they'd be like hey guys everyone cancel the plans we got an undercover cop with us right

it's weird that they're like well we'll just keep on trucking here with the cops with us good point yeah it's interesting at least spike lead took the loss well yeah uh well you got the screenplay he got that he won best screenplay wow yeah they really divvied up the oscars this year everything got one right what i can't they got a couple like clansmen got a couple green book got a couple the the the the women went the favorite got one right well you got it you got a divi now they got a divi uh but anyways versity yeah divi divi iversity divi iversity i

don't know what that means i don't either anyways back to the story yes thrush so i go in there and then the die now this is where i'm at mentally lucas connelly tells me i have thrush so i'm a hundred i'm all in on thrush i thought you had thrush as well so the nurse and doctor are like it's 100 percent not i leave they're going i got thrush they don't know what they're talking about that's 150 bucks i pay them she's louise now i got an hour to kill i go fucking eat chipotle ironically then i go over to the dentist i got uh i gotta see the dentist i follow up on a

filling i'm supposed to get a another filling you go dent before you go chipotle before dent well you have to eat before the dentist because yes because i'm getting fillings okay they're gonna anesthetize me for like three hours you're anesthetized meaning like knocked out no meaning numbed anesthesia so you got anesthesia so you can't eat when you're numb because you might chew your cheek off i didn't know the conjugation yeah well so i go that so you gotta eat because i got a one o'clock appointment but i'm gonna be numb for the next four hours so if i don't eat before now i

can't even eat till 4 p.m i'm gonna pass out okay so you only have a hearty stomach or have an early appointment but still yeah breakfast anyways but you don't need a box of oreos now got it you can brush in floss i guess so but anyways and then they can clean it up that's actually the time to be in a box of oreos if you think about it yeah it's like to trash the hotel room then get the maid in right uh-huh um so i trash the hotel room i trash my mouth yeah i finger my ass i go into the dentist i say hey before we

get started can you take a look at this thing i think i got thrush and he's like i can tell without looking you don't have thrush she's like that's for babies you don't know what the hell you're talking about damn and i'm still like yeah i think i think it is i wonder michael jackson got a yeast infection on his dong from thrush ever oh because the kids yeah i think it's like babies though he was he was at the ten-year-old all right all right but he might have i don't know but he had the baby out the window

who knows what he did with that thing he was trying to dry out the throat whose baby was that is that his baby i don't know it's a good question you remember that though right of course who doesn't remember the baby dangle he was like shug night that's a myth shug morning ding ding ding ding ding do um he's still alive yeah he's a bad person scary scary individual all up in the video um that was the source awards that was when they almost got in a fight yeah yeah it was a whole situation

the west versus east coast y'all ain't got no love for the west coast let it be known yeah that was fun that was a spicy time that was when rap was rap i mean it was bad news bears but yeah all right so anyways so i go in there and i he checks out my mouth he's like i don't know what you have he's like it's not thrush i don't see anything he's like maybe it's herpes the whole thing he made like the assistant leave to ask me about herpes oh nice guy he's like leave the room he's like you got any stds i'm like oh i got a plethora

oh yeah he's like but it's not that yada yada he does two fillings at the same time that i thought we're gonna be root canals because remember i had two root canals at once oh yeah he's like this side's gonna be the same deal so i've been putting it off for two years he goes in there it's a whole thing they put up the guard and the mouthpiece the whole thing and he's really working it in there has to put the anesthesia in the roof of my mouth which is very painful brutal i've had that yeah big needle sucks so a lot of needles in my ass

i'm all numbed up but then in the yes then in the middle of it he goes i think we can save this not gonna need root canals so for two years i've been putting it off because i was afraid of the root canal yeah he's like i gotta fix no problem takes a while long time 1400 bucks oh you're out of cool 15 15 hundo i'm down jesus 1550 technically relieved to have it all done it's not root canals and now i got one more filling and then i'm done i've had three root canals three fillings i got one more fill plus three teeth removed i'm three is a

wild with me wow three pulls three canals three fillings for a small mouth it's a big check it's a lot of stuff well here's the thing again going back to diet i've written three cokes a day yeah decay decay yes decay very decay so i leave there and now i'm like i still have an answer i got two doctors now i've been like 100 not thrush but i'm like they just don't know because it wasn't there so i put it off i go i go live my life uh... tuesday night i do spots or whatever then wednesday comes i get

tickets to go see john melanchemps and i don't see john melanchemps at the beacon theater the cougar which is the second time i've seen him the first time i've talked about this before was on 9 13 0 1 whoa they were doing shit that early two days after 9 11 mansfield uh... greatwoods what's that that's uh... venue oh greatwoods now it's called the fucking pepsiville whatever the hell it is it used to just be great woods mm it's weird that anything was named after not corporations at one point

oh yeah everything everything is now yeah no kia dome yeah the super bowl or the super dome when i was a kid was the super dome and now it's the mercedes benz dome right yeah it's all that shit but anyways we get tickets to go to john melanchemps so i'm just lounging around wednesday i'm like all right maybe it'll go away if i just relax maybe it's anxiety they said it's not thrush whatever so then i go i get a big a couple slices of pizza and a coke and all of a sudden my throat i feel like i have something in my throat which is

been going on for like a week like i'm like like a hair yeah i look back and i throw at the mirror you know i got the two bumps are bigger than they've ever been and i got this white fit looks like come yeah dripping down the back of my throat wow and i'm like ah i gotta fucking go do something whoa i got come in my throat i got bumps in my throat i don't know what's going on this is the day after the dent day after the dentist and doctor okay so i'm like fuck this something's out this is crazy i'm flying to fort worth the next day i'm going on the

road like i can't go on the road with this yeah but it's four o'clock p.m supposed to be at sarah at five thirty so i jump on the phone i start calling all these e n t's ear nose throats uh-huh i go i need an appointment today i got a tow here buddy step on it yes so they go we can't have an appointment today what are you crazy it's five o'clock the doctor's leaving and then one's like we got an appointment tomorrow at eight forty five a.m i'm like i'll call you back because i got a flight at twelve forty five so like maybe but i don't want to wait a day i want to go

rociac in the usa well can you go to the clin the clinic didn't do shit for me yeah but they didn't you didn't have anything to see i know what they were like evidence i they already went there they said i don't know what i didn't like the vibe there no vibe bad vibe and it's a walk it they don't you need an e n t i got shit dripping down my throat i gotta go to the e n t uh-huh so i call a couple one i'm on hold with for 10 minutes and i just gotta leave the house i'm like i'm getting out of the house wow if i gotta go to the ear i gotta go to the ear but i gotta

meet sarah anyways i got shit dripping down my throat i'm having a full panic attack i'm putting my pants on i'm trying to grab shit that i need yeah my phone is like 11 percent oh man this is bad so i grab my phone charger my earbuds i fucking just grab the coat i run out because i'm like sarah i'll meet you i gotta figure out a doctor situation so now i'm on the train and i my throat's all gargling i got coming my throat i'm coughing i can feel the bump it feels like i'm choking plus i'm panicking yes the phone is dying i'm at five percent

but trying to google where doctors are wow so i decide all right i'm gonna get off at fifth avenue because there's a few e n t's up in that area you know your e n t area well i gotta google there's like the red dots everywhere similar the ones in my throat exactly i know my cock but that's a different thing yes coaxing so i get out at fifth avenue i run upstairs i go to the plaza i call this e n t finally i get through to this lady and she's like all right let me see she was super nice i love when people are nice with doctor

shit with medical love a nice doc because i'm freaking out young lady she's like let me see let me check and it's the e n t a like the association or something oh so they're all connected she's like let me check this place she's like all right uh fifth avenue doesn't have an appointment now up west side doesn't have one oh there's one in the story and i was like i just left the story i was like i can get back on the train she's like hold on let me see so now i'm jogging across all the horseshit trying to get to the plaza hotel i'm like i'll plug in at the plaza

yeah i go to plug in i'm on the phone with a doctor immediately i just i just crouch down into a thing this big fucking security guy goes you can't plug in here sir and i was like i got the i'm on the phone with the doc he's like no and i was like fuck it i don't want to argue yeah so finally she's like oh i found an appointment oh god grand central okay and i'm like all right all right grand so she's like we can do 5 10 i go what time is it right now she's like it's 4 38 it's like a half hour you can make it the appointment said 48th street

and uh must have been fifth avenue and i'm on fifth avenue aha so it's only 11 blocks yes i'm on 59th ish so i'm like all right i'm on my way so she's like trying to keep my information i'm like my phone might die just to let you know she's like have you been here before i'm like i have my ears tonight is yes tonight oh that's great work that way tinnitus tonight is suck my dick so she goes all right so just go down there i'm like all right i'm jogging there right now meanwhile i'm jogging i got film coming out of my throat i look like fucking i have rabies this phone

shooting out of my ass foaming at the mouth yes so i go thank you so much you're a goddamn lifesaver i jog down that takes me no time to get there so now i feel some relief sarah's texting her sister-in-law she's like joe's flying to fort worth he needs a doctor she lives in texas she's like we can take care we'll figure it out all right i'm like hold on i got a doctor i'm going to the doctor right now i'm texting my mother i'm at two percent milk i walk in i go to the second floor i'm like i'm here i'm sweating foams shooting out blood in my asshole i'm coming

twice she's like all right just sit down plug in your phone i plug in the phone so now i'm like all right i'm in the waiting room my phone's plugged in i'm seeing a doctor i calm down i'm gonna be all right by the way i took the craziest shit of my life because it was all the anxiety and stress so i shit for about eight minutes while charging my phone in the office in the bathroom at the doctor yeah yeah got it got it um so i shit now when everything's caught now i'm like now i'm seeing a doctor i know i'm gonna i don't have to leave without a doctor i'll go talk to the doctor i go

in there and you can tell right away it's one of these last appointment of the day attack on i could feel the tack on vibe he's not having it he was he was ready to go home and then you you fucked him yeah nice guy buddy and his name ended with a wits similar to our therapist let's go wits this is our arbor wits okay so i felt like i was in good hands jew i like a wits yeah i love a jew witsend mm-hmm so i go in there i was at his witsend yeah but he comes in nice guy looks a little bit like pat dixon

young young doctor all right all right a lot younger than mr hooper but anyways clean cut yes very clean cut glasses nerdy nice no doogie howser though no no he's old he's not he's not that age okay he's not consenting age but yes he comes in i go i think i got thrush and the guy's like 100 not thrush thrush is out so now three strikes with thrush yeah connelly doesn't know how to diagnose someone thrice on thrush no no thrush so he takes a look and uh i tell him the symptoms and he goes well the first thing with this bump he looks at the bump

and this is my worst fear he goes well first thing we have to do is rule out the c word cunt wait what cancer oh god i didn't even think about cancer but now my realist fear has come striking because now for the first time in my life yes all i think about is cancer 100 of the time all day i'm looking everyone's looking at my body for cancer i've heard the talks for the first time in my life i have a doctor sitting in front of me being like let's rule out cancer oh my lord i almost started crying my whole life is built to this moment

yes the doctor guy with a coat being like let's check you for cancer oh this is it the moment of truth terrifying yes so he looks at it and he's like all right it's a hundred percent not cancer it wouldn't it wouldn't come and go wow cancer's not round he's like it's not even big enough for me to put a needle in there to do a what do you call it a biopsy yes yes or you know straight or gay up see he could he could he's like i could take it out for you but it would only be for peace of mind he's like it's tiny it's nothing he's what i do see though uh on your actual throat a lot of bumps he's like you got

what we call cobblestone throat whoa and he's like this is caused by reflux acid reflux and i was like well i don't have any heartburn he goes well it's silent reflux silent it's called lpr laren so i don't know how to say it silent reflux if they call that because it skips your like chat goes straight to the esophagus like stomach acid interesting and i go well he goes well how do you what how's your diet uh here we go and i went well i eat a hundred percent chipotle extra hot sauce here's what causes it hot sauce does it spicy food oh that's all i eat tomato based food that's everything

um soda carbonation caffeine oh oh shit mint stuff chocolate so look at my diet i drink three jade citrus mint teas a day that's mint and caffeine oh i drink about three or four cokes a day carbonation carbonation coca cola sugar whoa then i eat chipotle with extra hot sauce same and queso yeah then i eat a hundred percent chicken parm every day all extra marinara just how i order it wow always extra marinara or i eat pizza pizza which is doughy i got extra sauce on my pizza right so i eat nothing but extra hot sauce extra marinara sauce coke mint and quite a bit of yodels in the

chocolate chip cookie it's like it's chocolate's bad it's like you're trying to get this thing i literally do nothing that doesn't cause wow a hundred percent but here's the crazy thing this is wild bananas cuckoo but the crazy thing is that someone ate as much bullshit as you do to also get this so we knew what it was that means there's some weirdo out there who's done this same diet before you oh yeah well there must be people that just i that's what i was thinking about we were texting about it a little bit there must be people that feel so horrific because like i was just like i'm dying i

got acid i i'm coughing right now yeah and i'm like i feel like i'm dying what the fuck but i'm like people like that and they weigh 300 pounds and they drink alcohol yes and they smoke yes i'm like you must be fucking oh i was having cigars too that's also adds to it that doesn't help geez oh and the other things that that do it are eating a big meal eating like a lot eating fast and eating right before bed which i do all the time i'll eat a huge chicken parm or a full large pizza and then go straight to bed wow because then you're lying down and it all just fluctuates

right up in there right right so i'm like well that's a hundred percent what it is i mean that makes perfect sense yeah and uh yeah so it's like it can cause like it feels like you have something in your throat i'm like that's exactly what i have is i can cause coughing i feel like you need to clear your throat i'm like that's what i got so what are you gonna do this is your whole life well the oc joce d the tea the chipot you fuck the coke here's the idea it's first of all i started getting a smaller tea and i switched to emperors cloud which is still caffeine but no mint what a name it's not me

enterers cloud mist they call it oh boy i just got off a coke cold turkey i'm on day four day five now i've got four days of the coke hanging i feel good i feel like i mean it's like it's like alcohol but here's the thing what like coke was so hard to quit because alcohol i'd wake up with a hangover i fucking shit in a girl's shoe i fucked my mother in the ass i got herpes yep with coke you're just like nothing happened right but now i got the thing that i needed i'm sick i feel sick so i'm like i gotta stop then i googled negative health effects of uh coke and it's like increases your

chances of cancer and fat the teeth decay yeah which is clear diabetes heart disease you're more likely to get cancer or a heart attack all that shit holy shit so now what i realized i had to do with a joe cd i just have to get re-obsessed with health food uh yes i just need a few options because all i do i only eat four things well you've introduced the smoothie you got the green smooth going that's good yeah well the smooth but that's i can't get acidic fruits though i need to have like plant like maybe a banana uh but the acid and fruits is bad too jesus you can't eat shit so i've been

eating nothing but fit i've had salmon like four days in a row and grilled chicken i'm all grilled chicken and salmon a lot of Caesar salads which i know is not the healthiest salad fuck up yeah yeah but uh so i mean a lot of romaine and uh i had some i went to cheesecake factory i got a big salmon with mashed potato and asparagus it's supposed to be super healthy yeah i'm loading up on oatmeal which i ate before so a lot of oatmeal water you gotta i gotta put something under your bed you gotta raise the bed so your fucking body's facing the other direction the jizz rolls down not up

yes exactly got it boy i gotta stop eating ass so i'm still in like a weird spot where i feel weird breathing like it feels almost like i have asthma yeah it's all fluctuating it took me years to get it right so now i'm trying to reverse it god could you imagine if you were still boozing hard oh dude it would be a wreck it says that you can't smoke you can't drink alcohol you should get you know looser clothing exercise the whole thing but now i can already see the difference from four days of no coke no pasta i'm looking like stomach is like thinned right up

and sarah's gone for a week and i'm like you're not even gonna recognize i'm gonna be fucking ripped when you get back it's gonna be great yeah so the top of the teeth are better hoping to sleep better all that stuff but right now i'm still feeling the effects if you have silent reflux right in tweet at me let's maybe let's make like an a a meeting wow but i'm hoping to get with prilosec and the diet chain hopefully be able to get to a place where i'm able to go back and eat some chipotle occasionally mix it in um especially we're going to vegas like i'm

gonna want to smoke cigars and of course and eat at the buffet and all that shit we're gonna miss you at the chipot but the coke is the worst thing and i think i talked to dr steve i went and did his show oh he's got a show it's got a radio show you can call in so he told me about it he said he's like also the car all that pasta and carbs he's like it's not just the marinara it's like your body breaking down and he told me he's like it's a cliche he's like but you are what you eat yes he's like you feel like shit you're like your cholesterol is going to be high

your blood pressure and i want to feel i want to live i also want to feel good same same body's a temple yeah so let the juice in it i'm trying but it's difficult like on the road is hard and all that shit it's expensive to eat healthy all that stuff it is so i gotta try to eat more it says more eat more frequently with smaller meals and you know what else we gotta do is uh we don't really eat at home i'll have a bowl of oats and shit every now and then and some asshole but you gotta you gotta cut up some fucking radishes every now and then you gotta

have a salad we just go out and we we binge on a cellar meal and it's like mashed potatoes and meat loaf and shit yeah we gotta we gotta cook a little home maybe yeah well i got uber eats i use all the time so guess switch me to uber gift cards if you have them chipotle i'll get back to the chipotle eventually at some point yeah i hope but um i guess you have to give me the cards yeah i'll sell them to you all right but um uh huh doesn't really make sense um but still a profit

i suppose so uh huh continue what were you saying better profit for you though it's not really a profit well you got free money well i'm losing the value of the chipotle but you can't eat it i can eat it they gotta help the option they got salad there i could i could get that's true instead of rice even rice i don't think is that bad you have to just get it without hot sauce yeah but then i started going down the rabbit hole of reading about diet because i never wanted to read it because my diet was so bad you gotta face the truth but i'm reading about like oh my god

sugars and coke and the addiction and like what it does to your body and like and sugar like feeds cancer oh cancer eats fucking eats off of sugar that's what someone was telling me chug night um so i'm not like day four but i still feeling the effects here so i gotta i'm hoping that there's anxiety i'm like what if it's in my lungs what if i'm permanently damaged but it can lead to esophageal cancer which my uncle had is that right if you don't do anything about it runs in the fam so i'm trying well he's a not blood related man uncle but anyways

get it um i'm trying to really do it but i gotta figure out other options i like salmon i like grilled chicken some salad i might try that harvest salad at the cellar uh i went and bought some spinach yesterday i like spinach yes the Italian dressing on there and um asparagus i'm gonna learn how to cook i'm gonna try to really be healthy good for you i just don't know how we have some friends who eat worse than you and i don't know how they're all walking well that's the thing we're getting to that walking clinic we're getting back we're getting that age now we're like you can't do that which i've known the

whole time i keep saying i talked to my therapist about it i'm like i mean i eat those digiorno pizza that was my dinner two nights in a row uh huh i have a coke and a half and a full digiorno rising crust pizza you probably knew deep down this is bad news i've known for a long time i'm a smart guy uh huh it's just addiction it's a dick so you need a vice i know but here's the thing i'm like i gotta go all in on the healthy foods i'm talking to will still vent he's a big health food eater i got vices i jerk off i have sex i want someone to come in my mouth

yeah i don't know if that's too vicy though that's natural and you don't need that's a misconception i guess you're right but you need i feel like the body's gotta even out look at the asians they know they're all repressed and you go watch their porn it's some guy getting his nuts zapped by a taser well that's my thing that's what i'm saying all of my wife zapped me or it's stick a heel in my ass got it got it um but yeah think about our therapist if you said i need a vice he'd be like what why yeah and then you'd go he always does that thing with just one word when you feel like an idiot i know he's good

you're like well i gotta do this because of this he's like no you don't you're like ah shit i guess i don't yeah i guess you're right but yeah you need to hear that every now and then because uh you can't convince yourself of that but if some old Jew with a beard goes nah you go all right that's what you need you need a widths yes so then i leave the doctor now feeling all right i'm like okay i know it's that and i'm like fuck it i'll just diet you but it's so hard i go straight to meet sarah i meet her at the beacon hotel it's always our meeting spot we're going to the beacon theater right next door hey i'm like

where should we eat we're going let's go to chirpin chicken i got a pepsi right away ah you're hooked i get a whole chicken white meat that's healthy it comes with the salad then i got a mac and cheese i'm like that's not too spicy oh god here we go and i get a pepsi so i'm already a half hour after i left the doctor i'm already drinking a pepsi and eating mac and cheese bad news so then the next day though i woke as i felt like shit the next day i woke up with this asthma e bump in my throat the whole thing so i'm like that's it baby i'm fucking out so i ate nothing but cheesecake factory

salmon and uh unos baked haddock i had baked haddock i had a lot of salmon and uh just salad up the ass so man but what i'm gonna do is diversify the food then just get into those foods because those foods are delicious also i've been trying to tell you that i don't need just spaghetti yeah it's all good stuff i love a good veggie i love steamed broccoli and cauliflower carrots of a medley yes break it on and mashed potatoes are great you can't dip a a fry in a ketchup though i've had a couple fries since because i'm like let me have a i'll have a little bit of fry a little bit ketchup but tomato base that's another one ketchup even exactly double cheese and

fatty foods too like fried food french fries are bad double cheese burger is bad yep the bun is bad i mean like i've eaten all bad and not just recently for 37 years i've eaten exclusively things so it's a wonder that took this long yeah so i'm hoping to flip it all can you think of anything more in food than tomato maybe potato those might be the two biggest nuggets because you got ketchup marinara salsa hot sauce uh pizza pasta that's all of tomato we yeah but then with potato it's mash fried wedge skin well also tomato itself and salads yes there's a tomato on a burger there's a tomato on a blt that's the tea so funny you think tomato is a good it's a good little fruit yeah it's cute and red and round yeah i think if you just ate some sliced tomato you'd be fine but

i'm like eating a hundred percent that i guess so you gotta i gotta go blander but i gotta figure out the other thing i gotta get into dig in market dig in that's like chipotle you know dig in i love dig in that's like chipotle you just pick your salad so i gotta start going there instead and eat these big salads there's actually one around here if you want to i'll go with you maybe we'll start doing it hey folks get a dig in card if you see us those are hard to find on the road i imagine ah good point well they got them here and panera panera is big salad i like panera and a mac and cheese is a lot of carbs in fact because that's the thing i don't have to get too insane yeah i just gotta stay away from the spicy for a while and hopefully this prilosec everyone's told me well

that will help too but then i'm like i gotta stay on it too because just because the prilosec kills the uh what do you call it reflux yeah i'm like i don't want to just go back and be like all right well i'm on drugs yeah i'm fine i gotta stay healthy yes kill it yourself and don't don't take the medicine but isn't that crazy that we used to watch these ads as a kid you go who the fuck is this heartburn well i know an old man that sucks but now it's us i know that's the thing as you get older you're like oh i have to stop that's why people stop drinking and shit like i can't drink like that anymore right right so anyways so we go to chirp and chicken we eat then we go to uh beacon theater to watch melon camp fun show but i'm so used to pearl jam they

come out they play like 18 songs take a break they come out and play like a four song acoustic then like three rockers take another break play another five song it's a three hour show yeah melon camp comes out he opens with there's a video a doc a 25 minute documentary about his life they found very pretentious yes and they could tell the natives were getting restless people like play a song yeah turn the movie like what is this 25 men it felt like a fucking propaganda i don't like it very odd cougar so he plays 14 songs it's good he rocks it's fun 14 songs straight through no encore just where show ended at 1022 it's strange but i like it because i'm old right right he's old too people talk about right he did the whole thing he's like hey guy like he's

a prickly one they say and he's like if you're one of these people that needs to yell out during quiet moments please leave the fucking room get the fuck out of here there's gonna be quiet moments they're all like whoo i like it so he does it there's some guy in the middle in our section going yeah johnny yeah you're fucking right doing that the whole time then some guy next to goes hey shut the fuck up moron yeah it's kind of fun but you're like how are you that guy a hundred percent of people hate you yes and he just said it the artist that we all paid to see was like hey no one yell out don't do it sucks when you do that and this guy's like i'm gonna do it yeah like you are the biggest bag of shit douche two words long island yep probably an ally stay over there what a fucking

piece of garbage he was but it's the other thing i've talked about this before with tom pity everyone talks about generation the millennials and phone addiction there's a lady in front of us 65 years old scrolling her facebook feed during the concert and not there's like a hit too he was playing like lonely old night or something like some big hit yeah fake like not typing not texting the babysitter scrolling a facebook feed what a loser we're like what the fuck are you doing yeah get it together maybe she got a free ticket or some shit maybe but you're like but it's still it's not just our generation or the younger generation it's older people oh no i'm with you i was at the gym recently and it was an old guy reading the paper on the weight bench and i'm like look i know it's

not a phone but you're still annoying and occupying a bench that we could all be using you fucking geezer yeah get lost yeah um croak but anyway show is rocking and uh fun time and then i had to go to uh fort worth the next day uh-huh what's that like tell me about fort we fort worth is cool it's uh i think i wrote down some things here oh whoa they call it uh i made that up oh that was the other thing there's a lady behind us during melanchem just chatting the whole time drunk woman full conversation the whole time the guy next to us he was by himself he was probably 60 and anyone that goes to the concert by themselves which i've done many times he wants to hear some tunes yeah he's annoyed but fort worth is cool nice city i like the city because it's a little bit quieter and it's

old school all the buildings are really old it's not too crowded they put in the aloft hotel brand new it's like six months old eight plus um so it was nice and the cheesecake factory was right but it was so hard because i'm trying to be healthy i love the four cheese pasta at cheesecake i always get it baby across from there huge cigar lounge i got no media nothing to do i'm like all i want to do is eat four cheese pasta and have a cigar then i went to the movies that's how this movie gretta worst movie i've ever seen in my life all right and i usually i always get m&m's that's another thing chocolate i get a large coke and m&m's i can't do any of it boy you're you're cold turkey sober it's crazy i like depriving myself of things so i would have had a four cheese pasta a cigar

m&m's and a coke i had to cut all of them yeah you didn't realize it when you had when you had it i know well i enjoyed it then but even then i was i'm like i knew i knew it was so bad i'm like something's wrong is going on here right i can't imagine what my cholesterol is what's all the cheese i nothing but cheese a lot of cheese you must be shitting blocks well no i'm shitting weird now because i've changed the diet so drastically it's all just dire like my body's like maybe have you ever thought this is a kooky idea then i'll never fly but you ever thought about a cleanse i heard those are overrated i heard they're not actually healthy oh how about a calonic oh that's me that's what i'm thinking about oh a cleanse is different that's when you drink the

juice you drink some juice and no no hard food and maybe some cayenne it flushes you all out your pipes get floods like would plumber i was thinking of the what's the second thing you said calonic yes i heard that's like bullshit oh really human shit i don't know you see i saw it on jackass he had all kinds of shit going through that tube it was like a hot wheels car and a hamburger but i think you're better off just eating health a cleanse is better than a car yeah you're probably right um so that's what i'm basically trying to do essentially i guess so all right for at least a few weeks try to kind of reverse some of this and then i can mix in moderate moderation yes but the coke is so addictive i feel like i just have to stay away from coke yeah it's tough but the idea of this is

similar to quitting drinking the idea of eating a pizza with no coke is mind-blowing to me yeah you're a cokehead but this is what it's like quitting alcohol you start doing that thing of like what about my 30th birthday what about new year's eve what about your wedding you start doing that and you just have to go just one day at a time i literally have to quit drinking coke one day at a time like alcohol yeah i think it'll be all right i'm gonna try i'll do my best that sugar addiction is real or if you have one you gotta go all right that was my coke and i'm back on the horse of no coke yeah yeah i don't know i don't you don't you don't want to play with fire i know that's that's like alcohol you can't you can't do it but can we just say silver gay silver

anal if you're gonna be addicted to anything at least it's coke you're not on fentanyl or percocets or children that's true yeah but it's it's long term oh yeah damage but yeah you're not gonna overdose yeah battery acid you slime yeah you can use coke to kill the battery acid on your car battery i've done that before i do a joke about it oh you do yeah oh shit i can take the paint off your car what does that tell you what tells me not to put in my car i don't have any paint in my body i did i would want to get rid of it so if you think about it that way coke is a pretty healthy beverage hey that's fun yeah now i'm just doing bits i like it well what is this bob and tom um it's joan mark so yeah by the way great sorry go ahead oh i was gonna

ask about the weekend but oh craig stone and i were talking on the phone we had an idea for a pocket we're not gonna do it because it'd be too similar to this but i i think i'm i feel ugly all the time he feels fat all the time he's like you're not ugly i was like you're not fat and then we thought how funny would be if we did a podcast called fat and ugly oh yeah and we just refer to each other as fat and ugly i like it hey i'm fat and i'm ugly we're ugly so if you die i'm gonna do fat and ugly with all right so don't die yeah well i'll change my diet i'll probably die soon that's the only thing i felt i've been saying this for a while too i'm like i gotta get my diet right because now i'm married and sarah's eats so health she's so healthy i'm like it's

irresponsible for me to die way before her she's gonna be lonely ah good point but women always outlive men i know by four years but she's four years older than me ah you guys are right even yes neck and neck yeah so throat and throat i'm like i don't want to fucking kick off or just be a fat diabetic when i'm 68 because that happens people get married and then their their spouse is so unhealthy sure she's gonna be want to be out riding fences and whatever and i'm fucking in bed going you go you live the life i'll be watching young guns too again right right yeah milio um a step is yeah i get i mean that's basically you go to a casino that's all that is just a bunch of sad fat ill people just you know sitting on a rascal and uh what do you call that

fucking air tube respirator respirator yeah those people just drank coke for 88 years oh shit we gotta wrap up we got a big phone call coming oh geez yeah oh we've got to add we're gonna add an ad in here we gotta add the ad ah shit son of an uh it's in there now all right so anyways fortworth was great but it's a little right it's very texas-y yeah yeah first of all it's never um not strange to me to see people wearing cowboy hats at night unironically i can't get over at the belt the boots the hat what are you doing is it a halloween store around here it's so interesting and then there was guys like um there was a guy sitting on like the front row with like camouflage vest cut off sleeves wow missing his front teeth trump hat wow it looks like a cartoon character

yes like i like he's like it looks like they were casted like we gotta get imagine like a texas trump guy and then you're like no no that's too far that's too much exactly but uh they were great though i mean the crowds were pretty great i mean most of the shows were fucking killer just a little chirpy is it the poorer part of because there's like dallis which is rich yes and his fortworth and there's plain oh i think plain oh yeah that's a little further away i think okay well there's like a trifecta and they're all one of them is like the high end one dallis is more high end at the fortworth is cow town they round up all the cows i guess there but you get some um people from the country but they were all good i mean there's just people

like during the features act nathan anderson you know him nathan anders lives in new york funny guy squirrely guy with glasses yeah yeah he's cute very funny but in the middle like some guy goes your jokes are too smart bro wow to him yeah and i felt like when i came out there like another new york nerd right um but say that yeah i got a good laugh but i felt good i mean like i still killed you know it's fun and like we talk about like these trump people are better audience members right for the most part they don't get offended and they could take a joke yeah they're just laughing they get it and they're not they could take a joke yeah well unless about trump yeah if it's about guns they probably can't well what i'll say about them is they uh they're lunatics but they don't

look for the evil you know i feel like a lot of the other side is like all right well what are you gonna say about gay oh okay okay well what was that about black all right all right that passes that they're looking for which is not a good way to enjoy comedy or or life not just if they're looking for it they won't laugh no matter what well because they hear the setup right the block go up i'm out they shut down yeah which is that is closed minded and a little ignorant yes i concur i concur but that's a whole other uh you know ball of wax all right where are you gonna be we're gonna wrap up all right well this weekend i am at mcgooby's in timonium maryland mcgooby's joke house not to be confused with mcgooby's you know spaghetti factory clinic yeah that was a better

one mcgooby's ob gyn there it is um that's what's nice about stand-up you get to rewrite like oh this one works better it's like cheating type pockets are tough yeah but we're trying folks we'd really try hard we appreciate all the kind words i'll be at mcgooby's joke house this weekend vegas is coming up it's not too late book of flight come to vegas yeah it's 20 to 24th you me arie vekyo kramer the butler veeter veeter veeter lost vegas it's gonna be unbelievable i mean just as a show the hang is gonna be epic but the show alone or the show's gonna be insanity yeah well don't imply that they can hang with us i don't want to be hanged with a bunch of people that was for us uh but we'll be eating kale and spinach just kidding yeah i'm gonna eat healthy in vegas hopefully but uh i got that

coming up and then cap city one of my favorites april third through the sixth hopefully am i right to go to magnolia i gotta eat some queso oh easy fatty my whole life so uh come to cap city april third through the sixth i'm pumped about that date then i'm in wooster massachusetts patriot's day weekend leading up to patriot's day i'll be in wooster i'll be at the game in the marathon of course come say hello but i'll be in wooster that weekend whatever that weekend is i don't think it's 12 13 14 some bullshit yeah and uh go to comedian joe this dot com hit the patreon we got fucking videos up there we got bonus videos we got every live episode get on the patreon three bucks a month can't beat it or whatever you want to give uber we love you also we should do another live up in

philly i had a lot of gays come out i love a live and we did one up before and it did pretty well i'm down let's do it all right i'm at south by southwest this weekend hopefully the lineup's up because i don't know shit then i'm in royal oak michigan at the comedy castle that'll be a fun weekend vegas he mentioned then uh comedy club on state in april on the fifth fourth fifth and sixth for the album recording the album is cooking it's humming it's tight it's hot it's gay come on out to that laughing skull in atlanta that'll be fun that's in april tempe improv all you jews have been asking about phoenix well this is close enough come to tempe legal gun carry uh then i'm doing some fun stuff in uh who knows where in europe and then uh comedy at the carlson

rochester hasbroke heights new jersey come on out folks mark norman comedy dot com for dates praise all uh get on the patreon blow chipotle we love you come see us live hug your father and kiss your head sex