Tuesdays with Stories! - #289 Good Boop

Episode Date: March 19, 2019

It's another healthy Tuesday as Joe has a shitty experience in a diner and Mark goes to Austin, TX for SXSW. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy you know we're spitting at me how

we are back folks two and a week where we're what do you call it blocking and loading backlogging oh yeah we're backlogging which is a good term for anal sex yeah it's a log in the back yeah it's a log in the back somebody wrote to me on Instagram explaining the spit swallow come thing I don't get a tag on the spit swallow come well because I think I brought up the thing of like I met a woman some women that would think it's grosser to spit oh right right but I didn't have an explanation or we kind of tried to

figure out an explanation that was it a lady it was a lady yeah even better there was a lady and she said that the the load the BJ low it fires off so it's in the back of the throat sure so in order to spit it out you have to scooch it forward up into the teeth region oh and there's more taste bud the taste buds are all at the tip of the tongue that's why pussy is so nice right that's pussy it's like a like a piece of steel flavorful yeah it's got that kick because the back of the time so if you have like food that you don't like stick it in the back or just swallow it interesting but she said the jizz just

shoots eyes on your uvula right and it's dripping down so you just go boom swallow easy yeah otherwise you got to do a whole shift the continental drift to the front of the tongue push it up yeah interesting spit it out if you want to spit out you got to push it I could be like a saying a bumper sticker yes you got to push it up to spit it out I like it well you know it's fun that the the girlfriend does is she likes a big fat load on the tits that's like her thing and so I'll just stand she'll be laying on her back and I'll stand above her and just shower yeah that's nice torrential downpour and I there's always one

gluggy or goo that shoots further than the rest yeah and it'll get like most of it's on the stomach a lot of drippage on the tits and the nips and then one will be up on the neck yes and she'll she always says that it's a fun line she goes that's the one that would have gotten me pregnant that's the sperm that really the little steam engine that could sometimes it's the second one to you like a bomb and then the second one's like because you cleared to a fullback cleared the right pass and then the half back comes shooting up in there in the end zone yeah there's always there's always that mighty mouse who

really just fires out well now you're a little bit yet maybe the diet change will help me but as I'm getting older in the old days I could fucking hit the TV from here sure but now sometimes if I'm sex is one thing I can give it a nice shoot pull out but what I'm masturbating it's a real dribble it's a sad situation like Scottie Pippin yeah it's just kind of fumbles out I was talking to Chris D Stefano on his podcast so I'm not talking out of school here because it was on his pod history hyenas folks check it out funny stuff but he said he starts coming before he comes oh really like loads that's coming out before he's like oh

really yeah so he's got like a weird loose uvula or urethra yes that's a bad that's very misleading because you know the girls like did you come he's like not yet but he actually has yes exactly so the pullout method is dangerous but that's how he has a kid maybe maybe he was dripping out first thing he's gonna pull out like a week in advance just to be safe poor guy yeah well now we know the kid is an accident well I think we knew that before probably oh did we I was joking I think well it's a cute kid I'll tell you that oh he's a cute guy I mean handsome guy funny as hell check out history hyenas

I'm on an episode sexy man yeah you were on the latest episode that a world where we do a little cross pollinate well his mind doesn't come out for a few weeks only patreon this is what they do their patreon people get it for four weeks and then it goes public or something so you get a month patreon so you got to wait if you don't buy page yes interesting but I think we do a good patreon first of all we have the most affordable you can pay three bucks if you want would be thrilled if you paid more yes big three we're below market value oh yeah market Norman three three dollars and there's no we're not tricking

anybody aha there's no like ah you'll get this in a month you get this four days early the episodes the episode free as pie sure pie's not free what's free that's good what is free air water thing in life well water costs money love is free oh yeah I suppose depending on who you want it from but if you sustain you might to buy a pair of shoes or something huh the sustained love keep the love going you gotta fuel it got it you know you buy a dinner let your love flow see love is free but if I'm if you lose your job and all of a sudden you had no you have no income we'll see what happens yeah yeah well me and the ladies got no big

financial fight oh no those are there's a trouble I don't want to get into it but it got ugly cuz you know she starts coming out with that I start coming out we're like well I pay for all this aha is the love hmm where's the joy yeah but you both make good money right all right well this might be enough this will be a bonus yeah yeah we'll keep a keep a lid on this but the patreon we'll put all of our relationship arguments but anyways get on the page yeah box but paid six come on right please double it up we got bonus on there we got video on there we got anal you name it and the market value is five minimum no one less than we're

the only people with less than five yeah we're fucking idiots yeah what a dumb group fucking morons we love the fans we love you we appreciate it but all that those live apps are plenty and it's funny doing history hyenas because those guys have been on maybe the two best episodes ever live at the village underground with Yannis and Nikki yeah and then live from moon tower with Chris D and Ronnie B and Chris D did an old app that was a kick in the oh yeah mr. perfect I think it's called yeah he pretended to be retarded to spill over himself to get Yankee tickets give that a word it was nothing but so that's a guy so we've had some guests on

I don't want to get too gay here but we had some guests on that stunk and he came in and just had some yarns to spin did he ever well he's a funny guy he can't not be funny no he's gold and that's all I'm pointing out it's been two years since our last guest wow that's pretty good yeah it's pretty wild we're guests around we listen to the people yes people hate the guests we said fuck the guests except for the live ones which end up being the funnest shows so yeah yeah but that's an audience thing too you're just riffing and raffin and that crowd is a hilarity ensues yeah the early ones there was two interviewees sometimes people thought it was an interview you're

like no no we're going hard here my least favorite I'm not gonna say who but I told him like a week in advance or three days in a van hey have some stuff ready if you got in a crazy sex story fight story family goes yeah yeah no problem he shows up and he goes I was thinking about it and I think I'm just gonna wing it and I go what do you mean you were thinking you just don't want to think about it that's what you did and then you showed up with nothing and now you're claiming you're gonna wing it and then he bombed yeah get out of here we wing you don't wing yeah chicken wing I'll wing from Burger King

we going sizzle we're wingman we're wingman yeah we are wingman reflux what is it Maxi with wings hmm I don't know with wings was a thing with the period that Bobby's kid Maxi with wings it is a red bull but wait a minute there was wings on something Red Bull gives you wings yeah yeah but I think there was tampon with wings Paul McCartney's band was called wings and there was a sitcom oh that's right with that Thomas Hayden church which was out of the Hyannis airport I thought it was a Nantucket or Vin

my mouth is vineyard I think it's Nantucket maybe you're right I think it's Nantucket I thought it was Hyannis by the way speaking of which this was off air off air combo call back to an off air combo did a little googling there's a Chili's right in the Holiday Inn I told you there's a Chili's I never even saw it and it must be doing very poorly we got a back story back log the hotel in Timonium Maryland yes where you stayed from a gooby I just stayed there for three days maybe longer

that's a Pearl Jam lyric and I'm there and there's just there's no like there's a Chili's in there I'm like you gotta be crazy there's no Chili's I'm sitting there just there for three days I had a car I parked I moved around yep but maybe it burned down in the last ten minutes or something maybe but I've had dinner in that chill as I've had drinks I had a meeting in there once wow yeah it's it's not prevalent I think it's not like if you're in the park a lot you can't see it on the other side it's on the other side you gotta turn a corn exactly corn tortilla but there's a Chili's in there I've gotten drunk in it

it's blowing my mind because I had a car I mean I went in and out I drove to the Cheesecake Factory eleven times I went to two meetings I fucked a hooker in the ass and every time I pulled back I just saw Holiday Inn you're an observational guy too you're observant I'm surprised you missed it a big fat Chili sign but I think like I said it's on the if you flipped around the corner and then they don't know what they're doing they're not advertising when you check in they're not like by the way there's a Chili's over here that's true they don't like them they they fight they don't they don't like

anything at that hotel that is a garbage hotel shit box love the hotel stinks like this yeah that was a cutie by the way finally just had a I've been taking the Prilosec for the reflux we're all aware silent re thanks for that's a person with Down syndrome that can't get his tongue it's a mute tard

but I find I've been taking the Prilosec and it fucking clogs up it's one of the side effects is constipation but I changed my diet I'm eating nothing but spinach and fucking asparagus and oatmeal oh yeah so I'm bursting at the seams here and I finally I cracked my Prilosec in half I'm like let me take a half took half for two days ate a big salad a place called just salad a big salad and I went to the beacon hotel my go-to shit place and I took a look like that cactus along with spikes sticking out of it holy but are you getting any protein plenty of protein I get chicken and

every I'm eating that salmon with a nice lunch yesterday at the cellar Omega 3 yes the good fat yes like my ex well wait a minute so you're shitting good again big green shit I mean I should have fucking hoof a big green hoof so you didn't have to get the Haitian poo pill from Will well I took the pill not long ago that was a couple weeks because I've been doing this for a couple weeks a few days ago I guess I took the green pill and it came out just mush it looked like a baby's diaper just a real it looked like you took a

good horseshit and then jumped on it with two feet and then scraped it all back into a circle all right kind of whipped like a stepped on manure yeah yeah exactly got it jumped on jumped on even whipped back into shape like a Lucille ball with the grapes the grapes well she was squishing the grapes what was she squishing grapes in one episode she made wine it's like a no that was the Vegematic I thought with the cupcakes or oh yeah she was wolfing them down that was the conveyor belt yes Charlie Chaplin did before well where am I getting the grape squish that might have been great thing too

I don't I never watched much Lucy are you thinking of the how many grapes can I fit in my mouth the curb no no no it's a squishing of grapes I thought it was like an iconic Lucille ball scene the only ones I know of the Vegemite whatever the fuck and then the conveyor belt but I thought that was like cupcakes or yeah that was like a chocolate thing yes but I don't know about maybe it was it was a viral video I know that where the lady stepped on the grapes and she slips and it was like one of the first big viral that was a newscaster yes that was big and she went like whoa I made the funniest noise

yeah she was an out loud re vocal re but we're having fun yeah all right well call it if you remember that Lucille ball up or if I made it up and jerked off to it yeah or shall we plug something in there yes please I'm in a wet dream how about this I have little like podcast tweets almost come a couple of quick little snippets a couple of little whatever's not a story but a couple of little oh to throw in yeah all right hit me like things that aren't

a story but they're things that happen that I just kind of like boop boop yes yes like a little boop I love a boo because we can expand on a boop this is a boop yes but it could be a premature and turn into a boopy baby yeah yeah yeah it could be a pre come pre come boop well I got a few of these last night I go to the diner late night Sarah and I we did electric Bowie which you did the week before Bowie electric Bowie electric I'm dyslexic Bowie dyslexic so we go over there we're hanging

I saw Doug Smith I haven't seen him in a dog and he's a funny cat funny cat and a sexy man sexy that face he's got a 70s porn star look he's got a stash and a scar on his face from preventing a rape I know he's sharp he's got sharp angled face and a great head of hair yeah but he's shaved he's got like a Nazi going on now the kids with the Nazi they love that Brad Pitt started it and they just went with it right the bear Jew but he looks like a hot I mean I just want to fucking stick my dick in his

this guy he's a dad too I know he's got it all going on he's got he's got dad and he's smiling and he's saving ladies and a mustache yep that's saving ladies thing I told the lady the girl and she was like really because we were at a show and he was there and I was like he stopped a rape she was like that's that guy she heard about it oh I don't tell the story I tell I'd Sarah's like I saw Doug Smith I'm like he's gay he hits his wife and he stepped on his baby's leg impotent yeah fucking small dick and silent re yeah he's a mess but you gotta cut these people down well it's just funny because

all you hear about is a man and women are equal or all the same we're just as strong but they want a guy as a hero it goes back to all the old tropes you know oh I like a manly man like a hero like a brave guy I want to be protected I want a guy who'll step in and and get stabbed and stop a rape for me well that's still a lot of what those are those aren't the same women uh-huh come again the women you're talking about a different women what do you mean this is the you can't this is where people want to mix

everyone up this happens to me people mix me up one person in particular trying to mix me up with like a social justice warrior just because I voted for Jill Stein once did you loved it love the Steiner Steiner brothers she's the sister Steinfeld so she came in third I think oh it's pretty good fourth I meant to say that's off the podium behind what's this what's his toes Bernie no no that was this is 2012 who's that guy I met him I did raw Fox News with him Reagan he ran Triathlon

sees a Beto no no Beto was like 11 then shit what the fuck was his name Andrew Collins AOC wait a minute I'll think of it you keep saying things hold on he ran with Obama he's a Libertarian he was the third party fuck I met the guy I got with him what the fuck this fucking fuck no Ron Paul no no those are different guys doesn't matter I'll think of it later Andrew Sullivan JFK Taft Cuomo

what the fuck's that guy's name I can picture I got his head right in front of me he's blowing me what's he look like I can never describe people he's a white guy he's tall I don't know he's a guy Oh Carrie no no he's a Libertarian third party I'll think of it all right Carrie had the ketchup oh fuck I gotta google it now what the fuck is that guy's name I know the guy yeah well he's in the Mayo clinic he came in third style but anyways my point is the ladies

that are like you know fuck men and muscles and all whatever they're not the same ladies that want the sexy guy those are two different groups of ladies those are two different groups but I think a lot of the women who are in that first group you mentioned are lying is what I'm saying aha oh I see what you're saying I can see that I think there's a lot of bullshit out there because the primal is always there it's always innate it's in ya you know we go oh I don't care about looks but they still like a tall guy right see what I'm saying and that's okay

I don't want to be attracted to certain things but yeah I just think a lot of people are full of shit some people aren't some people are attracted to weak weird unsuccessful dudes but I think it's the minority yes I agree all right so Gary Johnson that's son of an onion he fucked up the whole pod while you got the goog out hit up Lucille ball wine grape step sure Gary Johnson got one point two five two seven

five million votes Jill Stein got four hundred and sixty nine thousand six hundred and twenty seven wow women twenty six without me that isn't that crazy that you can make all that headway all those people went down there got in the car hit the voting booth signed up hit the button and then you still losing your nobody Roseanne Bar got sixty seven thousand votes that's pretty weak that's still pretty good though when you consider I got more than that on last comic I mean she got you know Barack Obama got just

about sixty six million yeah all right so what am I looking at Lucy Lucille ball or I love Lucy grape step wine grape or grape smash Lucy ball nuts grape stomping okay there it is I love Lucy stomping great thank you there you go this business with this in the chilies I'm kicking ass here well I wasn't denying the grape stomping I just never heard of it is this good pod do people want to hear this

well it makes it real well I think it's just mostly visual she's killing this was huge in the fifties she's all physical I was a big Lucy I love Lucy fan as a kid nice that we're talking now that's comedy I think knocking those prilosec down a half a notch really opened up my valve that was a fucking that was a silent read just ruin the silent read ruin the mic whenever you leave right when you leave I fart eighteen times I go god damn

why couldn't I have had a nice stinker on the on the mic maybe bounce around a little bit try to jump up and down it'll come if it comes carry almonds with me now because I gotta have snacks I gotta you got almonds you got floss I'm a nerd I gotta go all I gotta go this one realizing no fries no butter no cheese I gotta just eat fucking leaves for a month are you coming around

over the hump or is it still a big hump well this is weird because pre-recording this so this came out the day after yesterday today I feel okay a big salad but it fucks you up in Latin I gotta eat little meals a lot or some bullshit I don't know what the little meals a lot yeah I get that you gotta kind of like a cow you gotta graze ooh Brian Grazer oh so I didn't even get to my dumb nugget story give me the tweet so last night I didn't eat for hours Sarah and I went to the diner the brother

diner on Broadway and 21st in a story where Stern and Michael went on comedians and cards is that Jackson Hole fine diner good dine nothing's finer than being in their diner so we went there I got two bowls of soup I got a bowl of chicken noodle because I'm trying not to eat any cheese or fucking fries or anything a lot of sodium but I don't care about the sodium all right great I mean so I ate the two bowls of soup I go to the restroom the men's room there's a guy I see was a dishwasher guy he worked there because the place was empty

Spanish guy on FaceTime he's FaceTime I can hear his wife and kids talking oh daddy daddy oh daddy oh and he's just taking a wild shit wow a diner shit a diner busboy shit while FaceTiming wow but I'm thinking he must be working you know 11 jobs around the clock so he's gotta get the time and when he can yeah maybe he's doing his podcast at 30 p.m. the kids are up and at him wow they must have just gotten up from Siesta

or whatever don't they hear the logs dropping come on dad there was no logs there was a waterfall of I imagine a yellowish it was a lentil soup but I couldn't tell what he was saying but his asshole was saying call me back yeah yeah that asshole is universal it was just one of those shits it was like a one of the best laughs in the movie

but yeah it was one of those ones and I came back to the booth and Sarah I felt like wasn't appreciative as I wanted her to be I was like get this I'm in there there's a guy videoing and he's taking a crazy shit and she was like alright that's 10 bucks each and I was like ah yeah you want to this is video I know he's getting on vid that's rare and the kids were on the call I mean he must have been straining his eyes closing wow I mean that reminds me you know you're in my apartment yes the lunch stuff studio

the toilet is right there it's literally eight feet away yeah and the door is one of those beach Baja fan venti doors I hate that door more than anything in the world it's a bad door it's a closet door it's a closet door but what else could you get in there you're in a pickle here it's a collapsible venti weird door with vents I got it I know what you need I know what you need a slider no you need a thick sound proofy curtain to slide over after you close it ah over the wood yeah that's not bad

you'd have to like close the curtain and then close the door maybe it would be attached ah that's something alright I'll look into that yeah curtain would be good a shit curtain a big thick shit curtain alright well they're gonna pay for it the wall so I'm sitting here with my dad my parents are visiting for some reason and my mom goes I gotta take a whatever alright I'm on the couch where you are my dad's here and she just goes in and these are 68 72 year old people and the hearing

is shot so she goes in and just I mean it was like a tugboat leaving the harbor it was insane and I'm like talking to my dad's like so how about that climate change I'm like yeah yeah and I couldn't even hear him over the shitty but they're both so old the worst part of that though is and Sarah and I were just talking about that with her dad they get to an A where it's not you can't fuck around it's not funny they're sad they're like I'm a sad I got no control I'm gonna ask my soles that just loose

lips sinking ships and right right yeah her lips were hitting the water it was wild you can't be like what are you what are you a piece of shit if I get home you get to your mother yes so you gotta just go hi mom that was fun whatever she's got short hair and glasses she wears a boo boo and crocs I'm not gonna be like hey Liz tighten your cheeks you whore it's bananas what was coming out of there was pool balls yeah if I do that I can come out you got your nose clogged you got a cream wiped on your nostril and some kind of you can do a bit

but with with mom you just gotta pretend it's not happening it's almost what you do with children the whole thing flips yeah they come back around you're gonna end up cleaning their ass again right and they're bald they go bald again you turn back into it it's a bummer dude you walk around New York you see the people walk around with the tennis balls on their canes or whatever you just gotta go you gotta move you gotta move it's all doctors appointments every day you're a doctor they have a bag of pill like 500 pills a day this one's for my my shiropinus

this one's for my anthropologist they must be shitting like bricks too with all those pills they tighten you up but maybe they're leaky I don't even you take a shit for that too so you take a one stool softener and one anal cleanse they gotta go up the stairs it takes a half hour and then they carry those walkers with the seat on it so they can take a breather and I see them with the old Jamaican lady who's like oh man you're gonna die soon ladies like I just want to see the sunset but they got handbrakes on them like a bicycle it's kooky they should put pegs on them right they're old buddies around

by the way those African ladies are heroes heroes everywhere I go there's an African lady with the headdress just going like come on Ted you gotta fucking come along that's the whole life it's just wiping asses what do you think that is why do they flock to that it's always a super dark black lady I think it was like kind of chunky with a with a weird scrubs someone right in on this one but maybe I don't want to be offensive maybe it doesn't take much education you just kind of like hey I'll do it is that right could that be I don't know well my friend that's funny to say

that a friend of mine he's actually the warm up for Jimmy Fallon show doing pretty well just had a kid so now he lives down in Wall Street got a huge apartment he's finally making some money and he said he's spending all of his money on nannies yeah so he got this old Jamaican lady and he said she's the most offensive woman he's ever seen and he loves it because it's fun interesting oh these china men down here and all that and it's super funny but like he's like she's an idiot but she's a great nanny wouldn't it be funny if the kid grew up to be a Nazi

you know he's been listening to this he's like fuck Asians fuck fascinating but like she sleeps there and like she's got a salary it's a whole thing wow I gotta figure out who this is this person's making some good money good money yeah his wife is making money too wife's doing alright yeah yeah so they're doing good and they got this nanny and they love her and she's part of the family and yada yada they're raising the kid like it's their own little Mufasa but she's got a mouth on her well god bless you there's any African ladies that take care of old people listening I know it's a stretch

but I think it's Jamaican too oh is that right I think there's some Niger and then there's some Jamaican I don't know I don't talk to them did you make it be crazy I just see them walk by and they have an accent so I thought yeah because again everything's black is African-American so I see black people I go oh they must be African-American yeah that's a misconception or something the whole Jamaican thing is kooky because you know Bob Marley's half white Google it this is up there with chilies baby

no kidding nobody talks about it he's half white Barack Obama's half white the other guy there's a lot of half white jeter jeter but they look brown so we just go out of black guys it's all about the look I guess the look is everything because that's how you're gonna be treated of course yeah yeah but you get the dong I feel like yeah well depends some they don't get the dong I've seen some medium dogs on a half on a fully really oh yeah Chris Allen the guy

he got shit for a dick that guy's cocked the size of my big toe no he was like he tells me he's a guy I'm small I'm small like what do you work with he's a guy probably like a nine I'm like oh nine get out of here with a nine iron I got a putter I've seen the face of a guy with a nine and that ain't one of them he doesn't have a nine face like give me that nine face is a little off he's not on cloud nine you got a face that has a nine it's got like a weird swelling or the jaws misaligned something's up with a nine I'll tell you who's got nines is silent reese

that's what I was trying to kind of paint around a little bit but yeah I mean you remember the guy there was one guy in New York comedy having a 12 in his face he looked like he fell off an ugly tree and hit all the branches he fell off the truck yeah I know you're talking about it and I was thinking he went into porn because he had a huge you had a huge honker the dogs are barking somebody's got their dog in the hallway there all this dick talk

there's something weird with the big dog and the missing chromosome yeah that something's off but yeah they have a big forehead baby well hey this backs up our whole thing and this is again we're gonna lose a sitcom over this comment but the asian men known for I'm not saying they are known for having a small piece that's a myth I think they're the smartest interesting they're the smartest group so what does that mean so I'm saying if you go silent reee

packing heat smart group no heat well that's a syndrome that's not a race sure sure but I'm just saying maybe there's something in the brain I think I don't think there's any evidence of science of any of this business by the way spitting a game here you know I'm just spitballing well by the way this boop really turned into a situation here this is quite a boop this is an unreal boop Betty boop I got another fucking boom come hit me

like a little snapper jizz dribble oh wait this might be the one that was like a that was nothing that's not like a snap you got the parade that's not like cereal snap crackle oh man I won't even try again until I'm ready you're gonna push out a colon I'm about ready to eat again I gotta get a salad you wanna get a salad after this or you gotta get a salad coming maybe we'll get a just salad or something I do like a salad but I could I do a salad twice a week you gotta do it twice a day I'm doing multiple today but here's the thing

I was just talking to my therapist we're gonna be I'm gonna be the fucking healthiest guy on the planet you really are not drinking salad no sugar no fried cigar I'm quitting cigars cigars are out no caffeine we're going to Vegas oh baby I'm one week from now I'm like I can't have cigars in Vegas you gotta be shitting me with the boys against humanity maybe I'll have a sec I think the cigar is okay although it's directly on the throat your whole thing is a throat thing my throat's irritated yeah it's right to the throat it's hot hot smoke and tar

and jizz right to the throat but before I got diagnosed I was in Key West the week before I smoked 11 cigars well that can't help it didn't help but I've been saying I survived wow you survived but that might have been the cobblestones yeah well it was cobblestone before I kept looking at it but I gotta stop looking at the cobblestone that's what my therapist said he's like why are you looking what's the benefit of looking you have cobblestone go with the diet for a month or two and then you but this is what I always want I always want results yes that's what I always my whole life I write I sit there right I was a waste of time I got no joke

right I eat fucking nine salads I go I still got cobblestone I'm a piece of shit yeah so you want to see if there's improvement yeah but you don't that's you gotta you don't do it for the immediate results do it because it's healthy and then eventually you get the results that's true you know I had a I've read a fun quote I'm a big quote cunt yeah I read a quote today about you shouldn't uh oh shit I'm gonna fuck this up hold on hold on I don't want to blow it god damn it don't try to be happy wait don't do things to be happy just be happy

just be a happy person because if you do things to be happy then that thing can be taken away from you yes I'm fucking it up but you get what you get my jizz yeah all right you gotta yeah it's it's more than that it's more than just the thing yeah just be happy because if you're happy because something happened then they can take that away from you and then you'll be sad right conditional condition shampooh and conditioner when

don't worry be happy you know that guy did all the sounds yeah Bobby Mcferrin yeah there's just him and I believe uh well who is in that video it was like Chevy chase or something no you're thinking of call me out you're right with Paul son those were the same time but I think it was just him but he was walking around in Jamaica I believe he's walking around he's got white pants on a hat and he's just kind of strolling around floral shirt I believe he's being happy weird how well I guess we still do that I was gonna say it's weird how they had celebrities and music videos back

then but I think they still do that like people pop into like a Katy Perry vid I think I suppose so but they even do videos I don't even know if the videos are a thing anymore I was at the gym to the day and they were playing videos on the screen and they would seem pretty current interesting what's also funny is they did videos before MTV also who some artists like the stones had like it's only rock and roll but I like it they're in a big tent wearing sailor outfits and it's filling with bubbles oh this is a music video now let me ask you this you ever watch these because you're a pearl jam

head yeah you ever watch these uh concerts that like it's like live at Dublin and it'll just be the whole thing in concert and you watch it on TV I've watched the garbage that well they've probably has live at the garden for both of you which is a show I was at and I've watched it probably 500 times yeah wow 500 you just watched the band play yeah I don't get it it's a little weird because well you're really living an event that you were at that's exciting it's fun to watch I mean you listen to it sure so you're still listening

to it but you add a visual I guess so and there's some fun moments stuff and you have it on in the background sometimes right yeah it's like watching a stand up comedy special yeah I guess you're right but like stand up it's not as exciting as going to see it live obviously yes you gotta see it live I would argue that stand up is best heard only you put the earbuds in or you play it in a car or you play it in your apartment while you're like shitting interesting I feel like that gets in your head more you know with the face you're looking at his face you're looking at the

background the outfit the audience well maybe for us it's best because we don't sit and buy a ticket anymore our other option is the back of the room or backstage so we're not part of the audience interesting but for sure to me the best is like being in the audience being in the visual sometimes Regans making faces that are amazing that's true Bill Burr is making wacky movements and Sebastian I mean you can't enjoy Sebas without a fucking vision and there's act outs and then the people with you are laughing that sometimes I remember being a Regan show I started laughing

how hard everyone else was laughing right that gets it's electric it catches fire well I would agree that in the room is number one but I'm saying if you're gonna have it on a medium volume or audio only completely agree I take an album way over a special oh yeah oh yeah I was talking about it before because a special is just you're watching the show but if you have the audio you're part of the show you're just as much the audience as everyone else you're in the audience you're in the audience on a video I'm watching the audience yeah I'm watching the watchers Jerry I even like audio

book because sometimes with a paper back I can get a little lost you know you start thinking about you touching your dick and you're looking around your room it's easy to just take your eyes off the paper see I'm the opposite I'm looking on once you take your eyes off the paper the story stops with an audio if you start watching a TV show you're no longer listening you can take your eyes anywhere and all of a sudden I'm reading the fucking poster instead of listening to the book yeah right I guess I hear that I like to move and listen I like to take in while while doing yeah an audio book to me if I try

listening to the car I'm either gonna crash or I'm gonna not hear the this is a fart I guarantee this is something wow I don't even I got in weird my diet changes fucking with me that was an audio audio that girl's poor yeah that's not good that's not a good smell because I think your girl's coming over and I feel bad about it well I'm a fart machine so she's used to but she's such a bloodhound that she might know it's not mine that could mean she's pregnant no she's always been like that oh man did you know pregnant

they get like a super sense of smell no yeah that's a horrible superhero it's prego lady it's crazy I remember my buddy's wife at the beginning of being pregnant we were in that she was like sick it fucking stinks she's like what the fuck's in there I'm gonna throw up ah and we were like what wow and then we were putting our fucking heads down the drain like smelling really I don't smell anything she's like I'm gonna throw up you got a fucking dump and then we were like oh you're fucking pregnant bro it's crazy it's quite a tad they should give a

like when they need to find a bad guy they let a pregnant woman sniff his undershirt and just like let her run after the guy I was just who was I just talking about this maybe it was umar or Frankie French French you Frank Frankie French it was somebody I think it was Frankie it was Frankie French we were in the green room at Baltimore I was telling the same story we were talking about I was like that's a bit I should do that fire when you give birth right you work for the FBI and then you're like it's an eight month job temporary position yes it's the option of maternity leave it's maternity higher yes that's something that's something I gotta talk to her because

I felt like it was one of those ones we were talking we were like who's been is this well I was just gonna ask you who's been it was between us well it's gonna be a tournament whoever wins that one can then go talk to you right right right yeah good point um yeah we were had like a big chuckle and I was like that's a bit and she's like that's a bit and then she left and I was like alright uh oh that's weird no it's awkward she's probably doing it in Jersey right now I hope I hope I mean I don't it's one of those ones that I'm like I don't know how I'm gonna get into it you know and then

it's a weird setup pregnant women smell things yeah I gotta be like my friend's house and then they can hire him and then it also feels like a bit that they might be like what where are we yeah sometimes I have bits like that there I'm like talking about having sex with my wife and she queefed and everyone's like that's hilarious and all of a sudden I'm like yeah what if they hired a bomb sniffing lady who's they're like what happens where are we at with this I get the same thing what the fuck are you talking about you know you're like never mind sorry yeah they're like that's a little high concept you're like well why do I get it I gave I get it you should be able to get it right but yeah

it's not how it works Betty anyways are you gonna tell some stories yeah well we're almost out of time here we've been booping sorry we're down to 20 minutes quite a Betty Boop uh so yeah I just got back from Austin you know it was a last minute thing somebody dropped out you want to do Austin you want to come by South by and I love Austin and the money was shit but South by is the best and they put you up and they fly out so I said I'm in but I literally flew down at like 6 a.m. on Friday layover in Miami

didn't get there till 5 oh then you get there and the lady's not at the airport place you call like she should be there well she's not here you're miserable you're on no sleep you didn't get to sleep on the plane the layover the whole thing you sit in Miami forever oh she should be there well she's not here well maybe she should just take an Uber Uber so I look on the Uber like it was like 80 minute wait cause it's South by so everybody's up and out it's a beehive of activity so you go alright the Uber's insane so like we'll send someone so now

she comes by in the van you gotta be nice to everybody even though you're furious you get to the hotel you get to the hotel at 6 your show's at 8 you're like god I wanted to take a nap I wanted to rub one out I wanted to take a douche so you just knock it out then I go to the show and uh show is hot and it all goes away oh yeah once you're once you're doing it once you're doing it and then you go back and you get the badge and you feel like a big shot those badges are $1,700 wow for the platinum badge I got wow it's insane did you think about selling it and be like I lost my badge

you know I didn't cross my mind I feel like you could double your income well they have your photo it's bar coded it's oh it's a real deal thing it's a real deal it's laminated and gay that makes sense yeah so I got the badge and then you go well let me see what there's like the artist area have you done South by no it's cool it's I like moon tower a lot more because it's just comedy yeah that seems more my speed but South by I mean it's like AOC is there I know Beto is there yeah it's it's a to-do so I get the badge and you go and then you go to the artist lounge you know I'm on two hours of sleep I'm Jewish

and I get in there and it's like all this food all this open bar and you're like oh Nick Doon Kurt Braunholer Baron Vaughn uh Andy Tucker you're like oh my god I'm with my people yeah so you just start wigging out on the food and uh then it all came around and the shows were fun and it's so easy because we're in New York doing 18 sets a night jumping on a train you do one show maybe two they're all in a 10 block radius and you're walking around this is that energy on 6th street and the bars are popping now do you see any bands or politicians or movies that you don't really have any time

I should have but I just said I'm gonna drink with comics like an idiot nah that's fun you shouldn't beat yourself up you should accept your decision I accepted and I had fun and I got drunk and also I had that crazy splitting headache I remember I had the ear thump oh yeah some lady was nice enough to tweet at me she's like that means you have uh high something blood pressure really so he's like you should check on that I was like oh shit you don't seem like a guy that would have high blood pressure I don't feel high you have a great diet you're very fit you're your workout yeah I hit the gym today but yeah I don't know where you would get high

maybe it could be uh what do you call it hereditary that's what my dad has he just has hereditary he's gonna take medicine my dad has low blood he's one of these guys he's gonna eat a cookie every 10 minutes but also here's the other thing with these people that tweet it's very nice it's nice that they're thoughtful but it's similar to the thrush people are like oh I know what that is and then you go to a doctor they're like who the fuck told you that and you're like I know some lady on twitter ego kicks in we're like oh I'm always right it's thrush I know me yeah well I mean I don't even want to disparage it just means it could be a different experience

sure sure that could also mean you fucking bumped your head or it could just also my therapist art therapist reminds me your body has all kinds of squinks and dinks and weird shit that's true I have a thing I got a side pain I'm like it's kidney failure I'm on the ground I call my mother I email my parents I fuck my dad and all of a sudden then you it goes away after three days it's just like yeah you have weird it's a body's a machine it's a mechanism it moves and yeah shake sometimes it stumps and sometimes it bumps and sometimes you shake your pants there you go yeah that's a good way to look at life

you just get through it it's always adapting well Jason canner my pals maybe the most mentioned person on the podcast possibly he said he gives 10 days any kind of anything he has that comes up I give it 10 days yeah whether it's constipation diarrhea a scratchy throat of weird eye or a lot yeah but like a lot of stuff goes away it takes some time and then you're like I mean if you're bleeding out of your fucking asshole I would give it five days but from a bad backlog but yeah so uh so we go to bed

I wake up I made myself go to the gym in Austin which ain't easy no because you know it's south by and you want to live it up but uh so I went to the gym walk to the the YMCA it was a 30 minute walk on google maps and I said fuck it that's perfect that's nice walk nice walk out of the sun it's such a great city when you get outside that college area it's like it's a city it's like people live there there's uh businesses and the residential everybody's walking their dog and washing their car it's it's a nice escape I love that city I love that city and the way it was like 80 degrees was perfect April 3rd to the 6th

cap city oh wait you going back I thought you were just there I was there right before my wedding oh two years ago almost well here's a fun nugget for you fun boop we'll get to so I get a call or a text say it goes hey I see you're at south by you want to come to a show at my house I'll give you a couple hundo and I go whoa let me see if I can work it out I had two shows one at eight one at eleven so I said if you can get me in between eight and eleven I'll uh I'll I'll do it and he was like

you got it that's what's great about south by so I go do my show and uh it's good at the estrus follies I offended the hell of this crowd I'm so I'm offending everybody left and right I gotta make some changes or something this is the second show where I've talked about upsetting people yeah you might have to change the bit I guess I've changed but but then it killed it like it killed the patrice benefit oh well if it kills it kills well it kills and then offends well I don't know what to tell you I guess I just gotta accept that sometimes I will offend that's who I am and that's who I care about so uh

second part didn't make sense I was trying to quote Tommy boy make car parts for the American man because that's what I am and that's what I care about alright so uh I'm also a client what's that hair club for men nice pull that out of your ass well done so I do the gig at estrus follies I offend eight people I leave there jumping an uber go to the house show every comic from Austin is there they're all hanging out at this house show it's like fifty people on lawn chairs there's a little stage with Christmas lights it's in a

backyard it's beautiful nice so I get there and I'm like oh I think Joe's coming to South by our cap city and they were all like oh we're all fighting over who gets the feature oh that's great Sarah's featuring I know that came up but now they're fighting over who hosts but that's kind of fun that they're there they want to work with you well that's nice that makes me feel good I appreciate that you're a comics go to like I want to work with that guy now that makes me feel good I appreciate that you're not Paulie show or you're not Steve oh they know you're fun yeah so do the show the show I did the same material that killed

there so it's tough to gauge yeah but these fucking millennial twats they're so soft these words yep but yeah I get it whatever so I guzzle down some whiskey I hang out with the locals a little bit it got got weird after a while I tell it back did another show at 11 and just had a great time and then that flight came too sweet 8 a.m. flight push to 9 push to 10 push to 11 me and Michael Costa sat in that airport for six hours we discussed everything

under the sun at one point he goes I gotta tell you man I'm out of things to talk about oh that's fun yeah and we kind of made that's when you really become friends when you put an earbud in next to a guy you know that's friendship ironically or it's hatred depending on how far in you do the earbud yeah good point you do the earbud immediately you might just yeah this was hours in yeah but yeah he's a good guy great guy yeah he's a tennis guy sexy man too might I add gorgeous what six five full head of hair beautiful handsome

he's on the daily show right yes you know I've never seen the daily show I've never seen the new Trevor I've seen nearer that I've seen a little bit of the old day I watched one episode and it was the day after or the episode after they caught Bin Laden and it was fun because he kept doing a abad abad yeah it was like this whole thing they're like what a perfect thing for everyone in New York hates him to be found in abad abad he's like it's the most New York thing I remember that was funny well I got so into it when they got Bin Laden I was just I thought it was so fun

I loved it I went down I went to Times Square I went to World Trade Center oh yeah I got the photo oh we went crazy I remember so well watching it was a western conference playoff game it was May it was right after I got off that boat I went on this clear water boat it was a Sunday and it was the end of May I believe or maybe it was the end of April turning into May I don't think Google that one it was right as the month change from April to May or May June I think April to May yes and then it was a hockey game they cut it in the middle of it they were like they just got fucking Bin Laden I switched over and like

Obama came out like a fucking gangsta yes and they're like we got that son of a bitch and I grabbed candle because we lived together I was like let's fucking let's go wow let's get out there let's go to the city yes and we drove to Times Square we were listening to Rockin in the free world it was some real fucking red blooded America and fucking fuck that motherfucker yeah how about those dorks who were like oh we're celebrating a death isn't this weird like ah shut up he was a bad guy yeah later on I got it I'm like yeah maybe it's weird but whatever and then we drove to Times Square we fucking drove around in the air we were like drinking yeah

I don't know if I was drinking I must have been drinking still yeah yeah because it was 2011 oh yeah and then and then we drove down to World Trade Center and they were still building the building yes girls were showing their tits we were all it was nuts it was fun I bumped into Brian Bollinger there oh yeah that was fun people went that was a party it was a good start it was great I mean it was you know it was it was cathartic yes yes because there was a lot of built up what the fuck and then they got all you know it was a USA chance it was great fun that's exciting yeah it was terrific I got a whole photo album

of my Facebook oh yeah and I called the album and that's that because it reminded me of good fellas when they shoot Pesci and that's that oh right what a fun moment to get that son of a bitch I met the guy who shot him what come on I met him he was on Jim and Sam Wow cool guy I wasn't that controversy because he came out because the seals are supposed to be like a team and then he was just like ah it was me he kind of show boated and he kind of took the whole piece of the pie to himself but uh yeah he was a nice guy normal guy good looking

just white guy and uh hated Michael Moore we talked about that oh I bet yeah so fun stuff uh DePaul had a great joke back then they talked about they threw him into the ocean or whatever like we didn't want to drag him around spike the football and he goes well shoot him in the foreheads not exactly hand the ball back to the ref anyways that was great yeah yeah so I can't remember what I was saying oh sorry did I fuck you no no it was a good digress was it Bin Laden or something nothing with Bin Laden oh the Daily Show the Daily Show yes yes yes

we were just talking about the Daily Show the Louie episode is worth the watch Louie was on it was hilarious oh okay he had a great line he goes well he's talking about P.C. comedy and Louie's like well the feminists and the comedians are natural enemies oh I remember that scene and he goes they can't take a joke and they all go hey he goes see yeah boy he was gold yeah funny guy um but yeah so uh just had a great time and I missed a seller hour set what yeah I was supposed to get I had a show

at 7 p.m. at the comedy cellar but I was sitting there with Costa so I'm texting Liz I'm like hey I'm not gonna Megan she's like what the fuck she hand called everyone on the on the list Jesus like everyone on the what do you call it a reservation yeah because they might be coming to see me so as the good club that they are she calls every single person and goes it's not gonna be Mark it's gonna be Sean Patton and Will Sylvain just went to let you know and some people go who what okay and some people go ah so I got a couple tweets like hey dickface we went and so you weren't there but

that is good service though it's great that's why the best club yeah there's a whole lot of reasons some of the clubs it doesn't seem like they're not even trying to be honest I don't want to get into that. I could clean up eight clubs in the city with two swift kicks but yeah so she was pissed and it's that weird thing where they go what the fuck you missed your flight you're like no I was there flight was wrong yeah flight that happens flight happened but they always blame it you can't get a knot of blame yeah and it's winter that's part of winter travel and United sucks I'm done with United

United is the worst literally the worst I don't know what you're doing you talk about this I go what the fuck are you doing United states well they have good times you know you go oh hey I'll take the 9am is better than the 6am you know but then it turns out to be noon anyway I'm a loyal guy I'm all Delta baby what if it's 200 bucks more you'll still go Delta fuck yeah I don't even look at the other ones I don't do any comparison I go to Delta and I booked the flight man you're a good husband sometimes it's a thousand or something I'll go on to like fucking kissmydick.com whatever the hell it's called

kayak kayak yeah I confuse those I get it I don't want to ask me to go kayak and I blow them but yeah I'm a I go Delta but yeah occasionally hard to blow a guy in a kayak by the way oh we did it a few times watch over that ore don't call me that alright here's another boop and then we got a fucking dismount here oh geez quick boop I'm on the I'm on the train of course as always oh we got a boop that's a little quick boop I love a boop I'm on the train and the guy comes on the dances

the showtime showtime showtime I hate these dancing people yeah by the way this guy was white or Latino just so it's not racial you never see that yeah I don't know what he was but he was he was not African American was he a loner loner oh the loners that's why I couldn't get a group yeah maybe he was like I don't know what he was but he was was he talented rhythmic I didn't look up I was writing and I'm whatever I was working on something yeah alright but they come on they play the music everybody yelling I can't stand it it's disturbing the

and then they're flipping and kicking everywhere it's illegal and he goes it is illegal and he goes fuck y'all he goes these two what you guys are cool those two guys watched it I guess and he's like the rest of you are fucking assholes you're fucking assholes and he punched the wall like the door he's like fucking assholes don't even watch and now it's so hard because the guy's a fucking nut obviously but you want to be like you're the asshole you're a hundred percent backwards you're an asshole wow and I understand you want to make a living and but there's a New York City embraces street performers you have to go

and you can get a permit and you're permitted to do it you can't do it on the actual platform of the subway you have to do it upstairs in the station and get knocked over yeah by law and my music teacher she does it she went and got a permit or whatever the fuck yeah there's rules and it's like it's part of the spirit of New York City they've embraced it but dancing on a fucking moving train is dangerous yeah there's people two inches from your foot and for you if the train stops suddenly you fall backwards you break your neck they gotta pay for that yeah you can sue the train out my neck broke

on the fucking subway and you can't just blast music it's a shared you're a fucking douchebag you're a dick it's public transportation I will say that he probably can't do his little bullshit hangy twisty shit because there's no hangy shit at the station well he should go to a fucking jungle gym whatever or learn how to break dance sure sure because this guy's break dancing in Washington Square Park they're making eight thousand dollars a day yeah legally they got a monopoly or something yeah there's three guys who kill they always have a giant circle of people around

yeah I'm not that into that but I embrace this part of the city sure sure but it's not my cup of tea but yeah he's like you're all assholes and I refuse to look up because then you make eye contact then you're in a situation yeah yeah I hate when people call people assholes when they're an asshole he's completely an asshole and then the punch in the glass like grow up also now we're stuck here with your baby bullshit temper tantrum till we get to the next stop and I'm gonna be like oh you know what here's a couple bucks I didn't realize now that you punch the wall like a fucking nutcase exactly what a dork anyways

well this is one of my favorite episodes we ever done there's a good boop good the whole thing oh I might have talked over that shit that was nothing was nothing anyways that was a literally I think you got nine out well the little poops is that your girlfriend is that an issue possibly that sounds like a neighbor neighbor that's neighboring I got the text open so I think she'll hear us she one time she heard us like singing journey and she said I'm going to the coffee shop oh wow

wow she stopped believing I guess by the way I want to warn the people about what's coming up here we might have a week off oh boy especially after this hot we might have to miss a week and we want you to be with us stay with us love us we're so insecure yeah we're afraid that one week you're gonna just leave town well they say consistency is key with a pod and we were already once a week a lot of people go three times a week or twice a week so we feel gay and bad but we would love to stay with you we got a lot of stuff coming up

but I think we have been considering we've been doing this for five years six years and we've missed maybe like seven Tuesdays and five of them were a Christmas time good point I think we almost always take one off around Christmas but we're gonna miss a week I'm gone for three straight weeks you're gone for a couple of those weeks you're gone next week and then I leave the week after we're gonna do one in Vegas so we'll have we'll do two in Vegas we'll do two in Vegas which is not gonna be easy no party central I know in basketball the whole thing and this one wasn't easy back to back days so we're gonna miss a week stay with

us stick with us we love you and if you want to your fix throw three bucks at the patreon yes get an extra tons of extra extra footage and hey Shelby if you're feeling kooky and generous maybe make a little half hour best of I know you're listening Shelby so yeah maybe we'll have a best of release something but check out the patreon April 2nd big show everyone always asks about Houston I'm coming back to Houston with Sarah we're co-headlining the secret group Tuesday April 2nd go get your tickets

now they might sell out I don't know it'll sell out it always does that's a hot room but it's not huge okay well go get the tickets and then Cap City April 3rd to the 6th one of my favorite stage one of my favorite clubs it's my birthday we're gonna have fun Sarah will be there so go to that show and then Worcester Massachusetts central mass folks or drive out whatever that is April 11 12 13 the woo ha ha in Worcester and then I'm doing the Uncle Dale fire benefit again in Holbrook always a fun show we're gonna have tickets in advance this time we got

always Steve Rogers Caitlin Palufo Mike Whitman Dan Bulger April 19 fun lineup that's gonna be fun oh I almost forgot fuck me hard next weekend Sunnyvale the 28 29 30th and 31st of March Rooster Teeth by the Sunnyvale comedian Joe list dot com get on the patreon at Joe list comedy on Twitter and Instagram mark sing it sister well done alright I'll be at the music festival that tells that called the sonic temple

music fest opening for dice clay on the 29th we're in Vegas this weekend obviously you mentioned that comedy club on state April 4th 5th and 6th one of the best clubs in the whole god damn universe Madison Wisconsin come out let's get some real Tuesdays in there not just the bachelorettes laughing skull Lana love hot Lana that's a small room to those tickets are gonna go go go and I don't want to fill it up with a bunch of suburban house moms and dads and nerds so let's get some cooks in there then Tempe improv love the

Tempe improv coming out there with fat Crissel come on out to that small dick small dick for a black and silent re then I'm in Europe all kinds of crazy dates I'm talking Copenhagen England Scotland Ireland Antwerp Amsterdam I mean this is gonna be a hum ding that's gonna see you're gonna come back fat I'm gonna be fat and gay and dead I have a tooth missing I'm gonna have a liver disease it's gonna be nuts check the blood pressure before you leave do it before and after blood pressure you might have something that might be fun because he's gonna be throwing out big

steak dinners with scotch and then we're gonna be smoking weed in the dam and the whole thing plus the sex yep Burt likes it raw comedy at the Carlson at Rochester New York with fat Crissel a lot of Crissel I'm keeping his career afloat then Bananas and Hasbrook Heights all you Jersey folk you're always asking me a lot of fun stuff but Goobies later in the year Tacoma later in the year you name it you saw it you love it get on the Patreon tell you oh Addison improv later in the year in Texas and

a lot of fun stuff so tell your friends tell your ma tell your pa get on the pay and yeah tell a friend tune in and go gay you want to be yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah