Tuesdays with Stories! - #290 Eat & Listen

Episode Date: March 26, 2019

Hey hey Tuesgays, Mark & Joe are in Vegas as they recap their trip to sin city and Mark's trip to L.A. to perform on Conan. Check it out! Sponsored by: Manscaped (Manscaped.com code: Tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me aah holy dick cheese in my waffle grits anal queep this is gonna be one for the books folks oh yeah we're running on fumes and fumes I wasn't sure if you

wanted me to take over there I didn't know what we're on the fumes fumes and lagoons that's a that's an N I know you can make it work these rappers they make anything work they do they do a lot of M to N I don't appreciate it yeah Bob Dylan does a lot of mouth to nose you put you're all packed already it's like clean as a whistle in here I gave it a quick pack a fudge pack a go pack Joe yes go pack mark because I'm out of here at 4 a.m. I know we're out of here at 1 a.m. it's weird you're like you're leaving right close to each other yeah that's true well you don't believe that early the airports close that's true

maybe 430 we'll leave got to be there at 5 yeah 6 a.m. flight jet blue to JFK that'll be nice well we are depleted I mean we're beat up the worst but this is funny we're laughing earlier me and Ari and Becky Owen and Sarah went to drop off laundry somewhere in the fucking ghetto there's some get-toe right around here Vegas it's the desert it's brutal out there I mean you got the capital city or whatever you call the strip and the the the mid just the nightlife and after that outside of that it's just hell yeah it's it's concealed carry select this cowboys with guns is Mexican I mean we went to drop

off the laundry at world of suds and it was like a bikery gang yeah it was a real conglomerate a potpourri of filth and they have like slot machines in the laundromat and it's attached to like a 7-eleven type of deal with what slot machines there and this guy's playing video poker that aren't even doing laundry they're just hanging out at the convenience store gambling and smoking yeah get a life get out there read a book do something well it's podcast yucky then we had to go so that one we were gonna drop off because we're going to Zion soon tonight Williamson no he's about to lose

recording this on Sunday around 412 West time Pacific standard time that's the one and so we're over there trying to drop off laundry the lady that does the laundry is not in she's a Sunday off so who's running the joint so it's just a free for us just do your own laundry we can't sit there for two hours while we're in Vegas no drop off no so I'm telling the drop off lady is out oh she's the one that's out I hear you so I had to Google other places another place across town so we drive to a cross town and this is one of the ghettoist ghettoes I've ever seen in my life so did you guys come back here get your

laundry go back out we did we went to two laundry places they were 20 minutes we got to see the city sure but there was some like Dave Chappelle crack head with the powder on his face like Damon Waynes as a home and living color homeless I mean some real yikes he dykes he sure and all all kinds of colors with bruises on the arm the tattoo I felt unsafe I was holding on to Becky almost clutching his pearls don't you feel like you when I was a kid I saw more white riffraff feel like I see less whitey riffraff oh this whitey riffraff over there oh they're out there there's all the colors of the rainbow

over there I see a lot of white riffraff but maybe I don't know maybe as your neighbor New Orleans I think there'd be a lot of African-American it's mostly AA Afro-American but as a kid I remember seeing a lot of like crack-heady heroin-y white people maybe like a weird biker guy on PCP yeah well I think epidemic is happening now in the white community the oxycodon oh yeah heroin suburb yeah the heroin the fentanyl Ohio yeah I mean I'm familiar with some victims of that business oh yeah tough times folks the country's in a wacky place hard times but yeah I think the casino it's crazy about Vegas and a

lot of American sees of course but like there's all the glitz and the glamour of cosmopolitan and Aria and Marcia when the win and MGL all that bullshit Mandalay Bay Caesar's and then you go off the strip and it's just to see this poverty stricken yeah rug addicts so close to these people wearing eight inch cloppers and short skirts well that's how it works if there's gonna be the glitz there's the highs meet the lows you can't have there's the you know you go to the suburbs of Cincinnati it's pretty even keel you know you're not getting up you're not gonna mansion but you're not getting a crackhead either

right interesting you know see if you're gonna have the top you're gonna have the bottom yeah the top eats out the bottom and shifts them out right out like a can of cheese with New Orleans has that like it's a super fun place batch of party Bourbon Street Mardi Gras jazz club the whole thing French Quarter then you go 10 minutes over here and it's a guy fucking a gator and a crawfish blowing a been yay or straighter gator folks we are tapped out here I mean we've been all hours of the night and oh that's what I was gonna say I'm not even beat up from partying today I'm like doing errands you know you're in Vegas you

know when you're running errands we had to go rent a car drop you at the mall did you get your phone fixed by the way Aaron Hernandez no I went in it was 200 bucks I said how much have I go to like a shiesty Persian guy and they got 20 bucks you should do that I was like okay especially in New York yeah yeah well tell him what happened well I mean it's not that cool of a tale I'm sitting in the green room with my thumb up my ass and we're all talking comedy and making fun of people and I had my phone resting on a mini fridge mm-hmm open the mini fridge door and pulled the phone off a little and just

fell flat on its face like a drunk cat just boom no bounce no corner tap just flat face smack whole face shattered like this one of those yeah but it was we're all there to watch it it was pretty was just I could have changed a little this if I hadn't sat there wouldn't happen yada yada yada you start going through all that bullshit but the whole thing is ruined it looks like I look like a drunk mom happenstance well we had always with Ari and we thought you were dropping your phone so we thought it'd be fun to send you a bunch of dicks oh is that why that was the plan because I'm like we're gonna time it

he's been there we dropped him off 10 minutes ago maybe drops it off you're always hoping that the person's holding the phone yes and then you just bombard him with dick I've dealt Derek with that before your phone shop you waited too long I was long gone by then I was on the highway so right away they were like we can't do it and you left yeah I was in there for I had to find the place that took five minutes found it then I was chatting that took 10 minutes and I left well I said it as we dropped you off I said I got a pretty good feeling he's coming back with a broken phone oh yeah yeah well I think it's gonna it's not

like a 10 minute thing that's a job it's like laundry aha you gotta drop it off you should have came to our neighborhood I guess so I bet they got a guy but yeah we knew it was good but we so that's what we started bombarding you with dicks and I was wondering what that was about Ari doesn't have dick pics on hand Chris D sends me a dick pic every three hours so I just sent you a few of his and I took one of my own and I googled some gay porn that was yours the little sneak peek pretty good sneak it's pale yeah and a good hair in there you got a mane well I haven't shaved since 1988 but a lot of

coastline I thought my dick had looked like a guitar pick a little bit guitar dick I could I could see that yeah maybe I'll take a quick look real yeah go back in there we'll put it on the patreon folks the head of my dick and surrounded by pubes let me give it give that a gander now Ari just sent me I guess his was it thick not particularly no but it had a it had a yellow star on it now he said he googled he was a little imaging some stuff all right because I sent you a nice gay 69 yeah I thought I figured it wasn't working when you started writing back but it's a fun gag folks at all this is a take-home

gag if you have a friend that's dropping their phone off you got to get them right while the Apple guy's looking at it well you got a good head I think so head on you what's hard to see it's in the shadows there let me take a look that's a lot of surface area oh yeah it's not not bad and then Chris D's dealing with a real wrinkly bag Jesus now I gotta go through all these photos yeah that is a big head I got there actually that's a good head on your shoulders that's solid about an inch and a half long I mean now that I'm looking at it yeah that that head's half my dog I got a nice that's half my shaft and that's just

near your Darth Vader helmet yeah Chris D's bag looks like it was recently in ice water oh yeah and his feet are pointing the wrong direction nice vein the dick goes past the feet Vecchio by the way did not want to see the dick some guys aren't into it no I want to see all of them away you see one dick you want to see them all by the dick by the dick by the way is what I meant to say by the gay we talked about this the other day and I wanted to tweet this but I feel like it's offensive two men 69 is the funniest thing to me that I can imagine or picture or ever see well a dick in the in two different mouths is pretty

spectacular well and it makes like a little equal sign or a till day maybe till gay sounds like a gay thing that guy's a real till day well I mean this one is perfectly forward but one guy has to kind of do a what do you call it a plank and the other guy just has the dick in his mouth there's no because the his head is on the bed so there's no moving his head away if he wants to get shallower bed head that's what that's how it was invented yes wait a minute wait a minute what do you mean it's like it's harder for the plank guy because the plank guy's got to hang in a push-up position while he's getting his dong but that's a regular blow job position you're kind of plank and push-uping what yeah

like if you're a lady is giving you a blow job she has to be like that I mean I would just stand there oh you mean like a stand-up blow job yeah we're talking 69 oh okay okay yeah that's true but the guy laying down his head can't go anywhere no it's against there's no gravity or whatever it's against the grain or the head I don't know but the dick is falling into the mouth so it's not like he's got to sit up at all but he can't go up and he has to can only go up like he can't pull out oh right chew it off or something right you see what I mean you gotta spit it out and you gotta have a clear nose passage for all this b-jank I feel that way all the time when a lady's blowing me you know like there's those nose whistles and there's boogers in there you gotta really have

to steam it up beforehand it's like that dixon jug you need a breathe right strip yeah it's hard to or breathe out of your asshole maybe queef it out blow a hole by the way let's talk about the steam room here oh yeah we've been going down to the spa here at the Rio and there's a phenomenon happening I've never seen anywhere I've been all over the world of course the guys getting the hot tub completely nude yes naked hot tubbing here well how do you feel about this well let's call in it's uh it's obviously in the male locker room is a is two hot tubs just in the middle of the floor and then a steam room off to the side then showers off to the other side so you're close to naked the whole time you got a towel wrapped around but we had a guy yesterday in the hot tub fat older guy

you know chest hair balding the whole thing just doing laps standing up naked with his dong flopping walking around the circular hot tub I think he was the opposite of a voyeur what's that called an exhibitionist I think it was an exhibition because he was really bending over and yeah and he had real penguin body it was a bad bud he just did his hair he combed his hair in the in the mirror for like 10 minutes naked yeah right in front of us but in the hot tub his stick is shared land I'm not afraid of seeing a dick I don't want to be in the water soaking with a dick yeah you don't want to dick soak but the funny thing is if my bathing suit is on you're still getting the same dick soup you know what I mean but there's something about a bathing suit I

think it's the asshole that I'm not into but you're lining over the asshole it's still getting asshole it's hard to escape I think though no because it's all liquid I suppose going in and out it's not it's not like you're holding in a gravy well then what is it I think maybe seeing it through the waves it makes it look wonky he's got a wonky dick it's the same thing and this is gonna be a kooky analogy if you see a guy with a bottle of whiskey and he just pours it into his mouth you go that guy's got a problem but if that guy pours the whiskey into a cup and drinks it same amount of whiskey you go all right he's just a normal guy but one he's sipping if he pounds the glass you're still if he puts it in a pint glass and pounds it you're like that guy's fucked up I guess so but

even with ice cream and a carton going out of the carton you look like a lunatic put that into a cup first normal guy that's that's for sure I'm just saying it's the same with the dick out if you had a thin thin bit layer of bathing suit you go that guy's normal yes but they and you go his dicks tucked away but if his dick is not under the the bathing suit it's just out well of course it's grosser yeah these are social norms but that was way more extreme than the ice cream the ice cream's like I didn't have a bowl this is like that guy has shorts yeah and it's off-putting it's very off-putting and also he wasn't that impressively hung no he was the opposite of hung he was uh what do you what's the opposite of hung not hung unhung unhung

decisive what's the opposite of a hung jury uh everyone agrees 12 angry men what is they all agree a uh verdict standing verdict small dick yeah uh verbatim I did not care for it though is the point here and a huge sack yeah that was a he put his leg up on the sink while he was brushing his hair and it's just sack was dangling like a like two cherries yeah he had a leg up on the competition if you will uh-huh but I don't get the hot tub nude thing I just don't I don't think it's cool the steam room knew maybe but even then and how about the big fat Texan guy he was bossed everyone around he was a character we were in the steam room together they give you a nice ice bucket no challenge a cup of water and then there's

a big old fat Texan he had the cowboy hat and everything yeah and uh he was like he was like he won we were we got some epileptics in this motherfucker and then he yelled to the guy what was his yeah there's a guy named Joey he's a little off he's like a kooky bus boy helper kid and they go hey Joey yeah get some eucalyptus I don't ask you again yeah closes the door and he's like this guy's a fucking retard yeah it's really shouting him out yeah and then the Joey has a head injury vibe yeah he wasn't born retarded but he was always off and then he hit his head hard and now he just lives in a spa yeah yeah and he's got a look at dicks we were talking he's got no windows it's all spot all dick all day that's tough tough way to live Joey now that should

be a job for a homosexual person don't you think he could be gay but maybe maybe it'd be offensive to other people you know if you have Matteo down there they might be like I don't want this guy whatever it's funny how that works just because he's attracted to your your dong shouldn't he still be allowed to have the job oh certainly I mean I think you have a lawsuit if they just didn't hire him because he's gay but it's just funny how that's that's how humans are wired like if I walk into a woman's room all the women in the bathroom go but if a woman walked in they go well she's not attracted to me so the only reason you're startled is because I'm attracted to you interesting well again it's a social norm you're not supposed to be in there yeah yeah

but it's weird how that works it is weird like it's like my old joke the gay guy at my office would grab girls tits and slap their ass yeah and if I went hey nice cleavage they were like whoa whoa that's harassment yeah it's always been weird I got a huge oh go ahead well the only difference is I'm attracted to your tits and he's not right right I'm not gonna I've never touched though I'm not like you know taking photos or anything I'm just saying it's just just strange it is strange but I had a previous girlfriend maybe we talked about this before and one time her best friend's brother was gay and they knew each other forever so there was like a brother sistery thing and they like kid like a tongue kiss whoa we were hanging out and I had to be like

hey listen I'm that's not my scene you can't like you can't have your kissing a man he's a man she's like I would know each other for years he's gay and I'm like I don't care if he's attracted I don't care if he gets his dick moves when he's kissing you it's a man you're kissing a man kissing a man what difference does it make what how he feels right I understand he's not attracted to you he's not trying to fuck you but she could be into it yeah of course she is yes yes and even if she's not I don't want I don't want your tongue on the sidewalk either sure I don't want you kissing a man I gotta draw the line somewhere and he's probably got feces on his tongue I don't really want you kissing a woman either if we're oh is that right it'll be hot but you know if you came

back I was I've been made it out with you know Linda yeah I wanted to make out with Linda seller Linda maybe Linda Ronstadt she's a little late aged out aged out sorry for the cookie episode we're laying down you got your feet up I'm laying back here I mean I am pooped it's funny because we're pooped for different reasons I've been drinking to gallons of tequila all night eating buffet all day but but I sleep all day but you haven't touched drug a liquor an alcohol but you've been eating basically yawned y'all what is it called lawn trimmings and getting no sleep yeah well I haven't slept well but all I think I'm on east coast time I'm placing all these bets I got all these bets circling my head and then I had I had reflux

the first couple days and that would you can't lay down and the whole thing and then we're waking up early for the games I've been just watching basketball I'm basketballed out and also it's a lot of hanging you're on yeah yeah and the steam room takes it out of you and there's smoke in the cat the casino there's a lot of smoke I feel asthmatic with the reflux by the way I'm feeling much better than I did last week which was by the way last week was three days ago oh yeah the first episode Wednesday now it's sunday we're all fucking cooking on a three week road trip oh yeah and it feels like the trip is winding down we're wrapping up but I'm just started well yeah you got two weeks to go I got about yeah two full week two and a half weeks

which is why we're going to have a best of or a guest host we're going to do a guest guest host yeah great so it's a it's a it's a weird time over here but uh yeah you guys have been hitting it hard but I've been eating literally salad baked potato turkey breast and uh watermelon that's yeah god you must be so flushed out oh and salmon oh I took a shit the other day sorry people get grossed out by this I guess but it was four green logs it looked like a logging truck there was wheels and everything with algae on it long green I'm shitting there's no brown in my shit any longer it is green I'm just shitting great because all I'm eating is greens and oatmeal fiber firm soft but fur it's not a wet shit it's a log but when I wipe it's like it's a

paint it looks like I dipped a tissue in a pair like a you know an emerald paint can wow and I just wipe for half an hour and I get bored I just leave my asshole green yikes emerald isle oh it's an isle it's spotted everywhere it's like a tropics whoo yikes their asshole looks like a like a Doppler yeah it's got the green smudge but we gotta move on because some guy recently tweeted at us he's like I'm a big fan he's like but what is it you're popping pimples and talking about boogers he's like I didn't sign up for this well with children so maybe we'll clean it up a little bit clean it up how about that Muller I was talking to Ari about this because he doesn't like to do live pause he's like because I try to get deep I was like oh we're doing the exact

opposite we can dabble on deep we're not trying to get deep no no he's in there trying to learn and he's doing a laugh and learn we're doing a laugh only yeah yeah laugh and learn I don't know about that yeah it's a horrible toy the laugh and learn it's no good this this is a crazy development I promised I wouldn't talk about it I knew it 11 seconds left Duke just fucking took a lead with 11 seconds on a missed free throw one point lead by the way they were down to the seven footer just filed out this guy misses a free throw Zion misses the free throw but then they let him get the rebound and take the lead there only because they're seven footer just filed out wow if you think of miss oh it's over because he missed it but then they don't get

the fucking rebound oh and so now Duke is gonna pull up the skin of their teeth and I got a lot of money on other teams so I'm hoping Duke goes down here oh really yeah all right so it's a what are you what are you down and out are you down about 300 oh let me check the number I'm down 300 roulette I had I just damn smoked on roulette but I'm not done there I am not done there what do you mean you're not done there I'm going back you go wow I still got chips left I got to put them on there I'm leaving with ahoy all in or all out oh yeah and then gambling here's the thing with the sports betting so I'm down right now but I have a lot of pending bets a lot of futures bets if North Carolina wins the whole thing I win 750 bucks if Michigan State wins the

whole thing I win 350 bucks if Michigan wins the thing I win 300 bucks if the Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup I win a thousand bucks but what's that three years it's a while yeah so I got a lot of future bets future put your way for your future and oh I got money on the college football I threw money down on Texas Florida and Michigan if any of them win a playoff game I win 800 bucks so call in right in and if you fans you too can remember these I might forget them so tweet on me come college football time but make a chart now you're not a big gambler no other than you know I did a little blackjack lost big big what do you mean big 20 bucks all right but I just I feel it I hate myself after I lose I'm like what am I doing get your shit I hear my dad's voice you know whispering

dirty shit in my ear I've never heard my dad's voice fantasy a real life you know he you don't see my dad was a Yeller old no my dad's young whisperer yeah he's more green quiet guy I mean this is crazy 8.1 seconds I might do play-by-play on the pod oh god that's my dream job let me do a little play-by-play Duke colored commentary all right he threw it in he's dribbling his five seconds left he's gonna throw it up for a layup and he missed it the putback oh it rimmed out unbelievable Duke holds on it took a rip around the rim and Duke holds on 77 76 thanks for tuning in to my partner Mark Norman Tracy Wolfson on the bench we are signing off thanks for tuning in suck your dad's dick eat your mother's ass and fuck your art as hard as you can yeah now that's

commentary now that went right around the rim look at him cry like a bitch yeah fucking queer get it together pussy I shouldn't have said queer I'm sorry boy Duke barely holds on I could use that loss I'll tell you that was 300 huh no no I have Michigan State coming out of this region and it would have been a lot easier to win look at that hits the rim look at this putback bounce it back lay this rolls all the way around that's one of the all-time missed moments in the history of the tournament that is so crushing on the rim he puts it back nice touch oh for the win just an inch over not even for the tie down one point win oh the people that watch this game are gonna be love listening to this and the people that don't like sports are gonna hate us they're gonna hate it

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uh I gotta I got some things to discuss yeah let's talk about Conan can't we yeah so yeah just did Conan last week a lot lot to talk about here so went to LA got there Sunday night cones on Tuesday so I really unwinded I saw a movie we talked about all this I really like soaked it in I went by the pool I'm fucking hitting Chipotle I went so Tuesday they pick up at 230 okay for cone zone I go all right I'm gonna wake up early go to the gym really clear the head get the body pumping sure go to the gym LA fitness I talked about everybody's selfieing everybody's you know it's all these hot instagram models fake lips faked it the fake lips are huge now oh that's big some of those are real I don't know they got the lips the duck thing well yeah

but they got this duck thing it almost looks like a little bit of like a joker smile oh yeah I don't like that I don't like it either it's too much you see someone right away you're like this person has filler yes and they're all get regular people are getting this stuff I don't get it it's standard so uh you go in there and this one guy's got a machine and I go I go using this he goes are you Mark Norman I go yeah he goes big fan I said I'm on Conan night he goes hey hey wow pretty cool that's nice very nice good was he was using the machine yeah I had to wait for good ego boost but uh yeah got in got out went back to the hotel changed clothes did all the texting you know I had six or seven people coming to Conan and it's always like where's the entrance how do I get

in oh that's tough get off my ass so I did the set like five six times just in the hotel room saying it do you do that oh yeah I do a lot of visualization I'll stand and pretend the wall is the audience the whole thing walk up and do my business yeah yeah visualize it's nice to have that time though like you have a couple hours so you do the set you work out you do the set again you she take a long slow shower you clean your ears you clip the hair the nose hairs that's all if you get the shave down you pick your outfit out it's fun to have that time you just to kind of start thinking finally I show this the car picks you up beautiful SUV they pick you up it's like a two second drive down to Warner Brothers we've been there before you can see a cop

Warner brother yes so you get to the lot get in by the way everybody in LA I feel like driving is from New York like oh I grew up in Queens yes I noticed that a lot all over the world and that's why people in New York people like no one's from here anymore but like that's not just on the people that move there you guys are leaving yeah good point don't you see the point yeah I when I got to Vegas my Uber was a Bronx guy they're all like that everywhere Florida fucking New England California well everybody in New York wants out like the natives oh they all want out because it's tiny apartments it's a subway it's hobos it's piss expensive very expensive my god the heat yes brutal hot out so uh get to counting uh your friends start showing up there's a weird you gotta have

friends there it's weird when it's just you because you're like all I can do is hate myself yes Soder did that one time a late night with zero people that's bananas I'm like that's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life I will lower my standards way down friend wise just to have somebody there oh wow that's hurtful to a couple people yeah well they don't know who they are I bet they do probably but lower low some stand I just want people in there I'm like even my manager I'm like hey you fucking weirdo get in here just to talk to me uh so I did my whole thing ate the fuck out of the free food had a million cookies got a haircut got my shirt pressed the whole kitten caboo it's so fun it's so fun nice to be pampered it's your day it's your big day

and you did the work so you know I don't have the guilt I ran the set a million times I ran in the hotel I picked the right jokes I put it together the whole thing so then all my all the guys are hanging out it's me Luke Schwartz four Shaw Chad zoom a couple guys who you weren't kidding all right easy and uh who else was there I love all those guys I'm only oh Jonathan Morvey he's a good egg oh great egg little Jew so uh we're all hanging out and JP the booker of Conan who we now know pretty well buck JP buck he goes uh oh the cookies are out because I like to do a whole thing about the cookies finally the cookies come out we go and eat the cookies Conan walks by with Andy I've done this will be my seventh time doing Conan I've never chatted with him

really outside like we do this thing on the stage where you shake hands he's on the couch for two seconds while the credits roll and he does a fake thing where he's like killing time but he's he walked up and everybody like Rachel Feinstein all these people say they always have photos with Conan yeah and I'm like how'd you get that I've never met him yeah seventh time so he walks by where they eat the cookies and he goes hey you guys uh gonna have to charge for those cookies some joke yeah and I was like oh my god this is it and he just stayed there talking to us and I'm like should I try to be funny do I just be myself I got nothing to say so we're like ah the cookies are good and he's talking and so I'm just like cookies are good as nice I had nothing that's pretty

good they are good they are good okay and then I said uh hey the new set looks great and he was like oh yeah he went off on the set I was like all right that was something that's nice it said I would secure I am one person goes good point in my mind I'm going yeah right it's pretty sad or yeah good point or good question but that's what's great about talking to a TV host that guy does this for a living that's whatever you say he's gonna go off on that's true but I don't want to be snooki I don't want to be like oh we're just going off on the the routine the rote you know come you know I want to have a real conversation I don't do the small talk bullshit but side now that's a great skill that you can be like what are your eyebrows look fine the eyebrow I remember the first time

I started eyebrow was in 1988 my dad you know he's good like that he's good but I want to stimulate him also I don't want him to just do the motions hello try a vibrator yeah so uh but it seemed pretty good we talked for like five minutes which feels like an eternity and then he walked away and then we all did like the other pretending that was not a big deal it's like oh we just talked to a millionaire legend for five minutes yeah fun and he's 612 yeah so that's seven to you and you and me yeah so the whole thing the metric system and uh finally Isla Fisher is the guest who she again she's in a couple of flicks she's a fun comedy kind of oh Sasha Baron Cohen squeeze there you go yes yes I confuse her with the secretary from the office the office yes I always

think it's her and I'm like how is she a lead guest what is her name Jenna Fisher ah well there it's too much fish too much tuna so uh finally she goes on and it's only a two man it's me and her yes person and uh she goes out and she's being cute and whatever and I saw she came off stage and I was waiting in the wings to go on and first of all the nerves are hitting me now I was a cool as a cucumber all day but it's all flooding in all the hatred all the negativity always seven time you still can't shake it no it's brutal it's TV you're on TV you're on TV but it's all coming in and it's driving me crazy but I see they're they're pulling her off she's walking back into the green room I'm walking towards the stage and she's going ah was that bad I hope I'm not

speaking out of school here but no she was like oh was that bad I kind of blew it the crowd they didn't get me I couldn't connect which was kind of cool to see like oh we all do it of course now is Sasha there I wish I wish I'm a big fan so I watched her come on I remember thinking like wow she's like a pretty lady who's rich and cool husband I thought he didn't think she would have those thoughts but hey I guess we all do yeah you want to do well we all have careers we're all trying to make it you're all trying to be liked and loved and appreciated it's a good point even in life so now I do a weird thing where I try to be really funny behind the curtain for some reason because I feel like if I'm if I can be funny behind the curtain it means I'm actually funny

my brain's doing all these weird things where I'm like I gotta figure it out what am I doing who am I calm down relax it's gonna be fine but then I don't know so I'm going haywire I'm going haywire exactly so uh I'm trying to be funny I'm farting a lot and trying to get laughs and the whole thing everybody hates me the grips and the union guys are all like hey I hate this guy he's a douche so finally the curtain opens and I just got a I'm walking out and it's like a 10 mile walk feels like and I'm just going shut up you bitch do it you got this quit complaining quit whining quit being a scaredy fuck what's the curtains are open though you feel in the moment a little a little bit more I gotta go perform now I'm just doing comedy yeah it's kind of a buck

in a water moment like all right I'm in it yeah enough with the thoughts enough with the bullshit so I go out there and I say my first thing and it does okay and right then you get that jolt of like I'm fucked yeah I got nothing you want you want you want to come out and just be like we love you Norman oh my god everything you say is gold but uh you're like all right I gotta earn this this is gonna be real now so then the second thing does okay third joke gets an applause okay and that was like all right all right all right I'm back relax relax and I had this moment like you're bombing you're bombing you're bombing you're bombing ah fuck it you're just telling yourself that that's half the game well that's all the comedy every set the whole time

you're either going this should be better yes or it's like this is great yes it's one of those two is happening 100% every set doesn't matter you open mic whatever it is headlining you're like I'm killing I am killing I am killing and then all of a sudden you're like I was killing yes I'm not killing I'm not killing if I'm not killing I'm bombing if I was killing that now I'm not killing so now I suck right I'm having that here in Vegas and it's like this is for fun I know I know and this is high stakes TV so I'm having the moment of like I'm not killing but relax if you and I keep hearing Alan like if you keep trying to kill you're never gonna kill right be in the moment just be there be present be funny and after that I kind of got into it but that's still

still five minutes so I'm already three and a half or two and a half in about three minutes in so halfway and it finally got good but you want to just kill out of the gate but it's almost impossible that's what's so crazy it's the longest five minutes of your life oh yeah life would feel so long if it was all a TV set yeah well your spider sense is going off the whole time so it's like you're you're in a fistfight for five whole minutes and then you have that whole come to like an hour later all of a sudden you're just drained so here's the kooky part so it goes pretty well it wasn't my best it wasn't my worst whatever it goes pretty well Conan was very nice god we love having you know the crowds clapping he's standing next to me we love having you got great

jokes and so you're still kind of like where am I you're still a little shaky you're kind of spazzing out a little bit right but you're trying to act normal the cameras are on you the crowds clapping oh you were great we love having always have good stuff blah blah blah so you're like okay this is cool and then before you know it everything like the lights are kind of shutting down the audience is walking out and then Andy Richter was hey hey get the fuck out of here which was kind of fun oh that's fun because I was still on the stage just standing there oh wow and he goes hey hey get off get the fuck out of here and I kind of want to go leave Louis alone I know sorry so uh so we get back there and and you know you go back to the room and I'm walking in the room and I look

and I'm still like yeah that wasn't great it was okay I hate myself and Isla Fisher goes holy shit who the hell are you that was hilarious and I go watch that's something where you're playing next I go I'm doing this gig tonight at the store she's like I might come you were you had great job I'm like whoa I couldn't believe it Isla dogs yes that's amazing it's Fisher these people they tell their husbands everything I know I know they're laying in bed she's saying I saw this comedian he's terrific and they're probably watching the show exactly let's watch it's keep it on sash I want to see this yeah like now I want to eat you out exactly yeah need her out they watched you and you can eat and listen yeah but I didn't listen it's no good it's not Fisher Fisher Fisher

anal Fisher so that was very nice and then I get into the room and no one's in there yet and you get that moment like was that okay and then JP walks in he goes how you feeling buddy and I was like yeah I don't know and he had a good line he goes well it wouldn't be a Mark Norman set if you weren't full of hate after that's good yeah it's a good point well it's fun it's always the weirdest moment of all late nights is you beat everyone backstage yes I was before so you're just there's a moment where you're like completely isolated oh yeah you're just sitting there and it's a complete isolation after this roller coaster you were on the top of the mountain and now you're just back on the bottom of the mountain and there's always like the other guests reps out there and

they don't give a shit about you so they're not like whoa nice man good work it's just some guy that's looking up he just looks up from his phone sees you and then he looks down so you're like that guy hate that guy hate me is he representing everybody right right and I'm weird and this is narcissism and ego and I hate myself shit but like you come back and the show is winding down that was a lady like wrapping up the fruit and there's a lady kind of mopping and you're like oh it's all over like this whole big production in my head it's just it's just a conveyor belt every day there's another guy then another actor and another comic so you're like oh shit I gotta come back to reality that's the thing about these late nights you're on cloud nine

for a minute you forget like oh this is none of this matters but what's so magical and amazing and I had this before I did my half hour magical and I went straight to aruba you got to go straight here yeah you do late night then you come straight to Vegas and hang out with a few of your best pals and veter that's nice it's a load off it's a little party after the work it's nice well what a great week where I don't want to end I don't want to leave I know I know you got to go back to New York and eat shit for the rest of your life but basically we got off now everybody comes back in the room hey good job how'd you feel how'd you feel and I was like yeah you know now I'm doing the cunty thing I'm go what you think give it to me straight and then some guy was like

they're being nice and then you shit on yourself enough that they kind of go well you did maybe rush the first joke and like all right now we're getting some honesty where you shit on yourself enough so they go okay well fine you want to keep going I'll do it too then yeah and we got a little honesty out of it so I kind of just started going alright fucking I hate that said I kind of blew it all that build up for nothing whatever wasn't my best we got to big boys what do you call that place oh big boy is it big boy yeah they want the huge boy yeah big boy yeah I ate there before my cone it's not fun it's the original one in Burbank and yeah it's a classic LA staple diner he got a place yeah so we all go there we have a great dinner we have a great line and one of the

guys I forgot who was like oh I got some video of you I snuck some video and I was like yeah maybe I'll post it can you send it to me and I still hated the set and I'm still kind of just trying to push it down like forget the set just enjoy this moment and they all leave I go back to the hotel room and I go let me see this video and it went pretty well in the video all right the video looks way better because he's in the audience and the laughter was loud as but as a comic on stage you couldn't hear it that well you're distant so I thought I was kind of bombing but I saw the video ago this is pretty good and I immediately felt better then the set comes out the next day they pick it up on reddit front page the set goes viral up to about half a million

views already it's only been three days wow so you never know is my point you never know you never know folks you never say no so uh yeah pretty cool and I went out that night now here's another clinker we go out in LA another clink I go do dynasty typewriter I've heard that's the hot room that's the big room it's a beautiful room it's kitschy it's old it's kind of cute and rink what do you call run downy a little bit like a little riffy raffy maybe I should have done that I'm doing the belly room maybe I should have done typewriter should have done typewriter really it's in the Hayworth it's like an old theater it's really cool I thought it was too cool for school though it was hip and woke whatever it's very precious he wokey but you could probably get a

spot I don't know it's probably got a calendar backed up they get like a Rory in there a John Dorr a cumale you know an Adam Sandler I like the stroke is it's so seedy and weird I like seedy I know you can like both but I'm doing the belly room coming up folks so I'll get to that later just you just maybe I'm gonna get some friends on that's okay that's great for him maybe a Sarah who knows well so I go there and like JP's there Rory's there Andrew Santino Moses Storm good good eggs wow good lineup good group and we all cutting up man Rory so you're in the green we're like I'm not even gonna talk he's just too good unbelievable he can just go and then Santino is really funny so just a great night and plus I got that Conan stink off me where I'm like I can

be loose I'm talking about Muslims and the anal and so then I leave there go to the store bump into Tim Dillon and go hey Timmy do you see a New York guy out in LA it's kind of refreshing what did he move there he's been out he's out he's out there a lot well him and Rogan are blowing each other so wow he's he's got an in so I go see Tim Dillon now we go downstairs at the store to that private bar you've been down there the store pretty exciting the store has this bar like under the club kind of and it's like tiny it's oh yeah I know that place yeah yeah so we go in there it's hinge cliff I'm talking to Tim Dillon Bert walks in so you're like oh shit this is like a real who's anal and then Joey Diaz walks in so you're like wow we are really doing it and then Rogan walks in

who I don't know everybody knows him but me everybody knows him but me is that a song I don't think so I guess not everybody know I thought it was there something and some mistletoe so uh he walks in and he I can tell he's like hey everybody hey and they're like Rogan and then I'm like oh I'm the weird guy he doesn't know but fucking I did Conan they blow me yeah so then he walks up he goes hey man heard a lot of good things shook my hand it was a great moment there you go so then on that day I'd had a little conversation with two millionaires wow that's kind of fun I think you're gonna go multi-millionaire multi-millionaires whatever I think Ari's probably a millionaire wow I'm gonna go multi according to his board room that's true but yeah multi multi-millionaire and not just

millionaire but I should say you know game changers yes rack on tour trailblaze yeah they're down tour to France Portland ah what was that steroids so what happened to typewriter that was good typewriter was great okay it's more ucb-ish where it's kind of like it's cool it's very hipstery cool toes yeah but uh it was definitely a lot of fun and you know I hate to say but these New York New York jokes are really zinging and zanging out in LA yeah but there's some there's some good LA guys there's a couple good LA Jews out there not not knocking them but yeah I feel removed from comedy even though we're all hanging out doing comedy every night completely removed because there's no writing there's no uh industry out here we're not emailing we're not I've not I've been

tweeting or anything we're just kind of hanging out laughing it up oh we're having a great time but I gotta say this club this Vegas seller is so good well done perfectly built filling up packed every night we had two sold out last night yeah I think no room if you're a comedy fan visiting Las Vegas that trip is not complete without the comedy seller yeah it's like being in New York you walk down there it's like being in Manhattan the village the headshots are up of all the old louis and geraldos and it tells and it's dark it's brick they nailed it they really captured that seller vibe and got it into the sin city it's a special place we gotta thank all the gays by the way last night we had a line of Tuesdays waiting to say hello to us after the show

people are flying I mean of course it's a very very sexy guy in the front row by the way long hair beard the Nevada hat yeah hot guy yeah and there was a beautiful woman was a fan too she's like never never uh what do you call that when you fuck I never miss my words she's like never uh never scared no when you don't say what you want to say censor I'll never sense I love the show I think she was Asian too Asian woman loving the show all right Asian female Asian fans yeah so thank you and uh a lot of hot twos a lot of horrifically unattractive Tuesdays also that's the standard yeah that's more than standard but uh appreciate the gifts we got some Uber gift cards last night but how fun is it to be in Vegas of all the entertainment choices and people are lined up to

see the uh the old boys yeah and great shows they have been we're all switching everyone's hosted everyone's closed everyone's gone first everyone's gone fourth and it's really fucking great it's great we've been steam rooming we've been buffeting we've been pooling we've been the employee just uh dining room employee dining room is a little bit of a kick in the pants it's a bummer down there is weird lighting there's uh you're eating lunch next to a poor lady who deals blackjack and then the you know the waitress at the buffet but hey it's free grub and there's ice cream we had a great walk to Caesars Palace veter that wanted to take a cab we out voted them we all walked out he had his shirt off Becky oh and how are you me veter walking up the highway

cars whizzing by homeless people smoking cigarettes cracked all the way to Sears we just grabbed that roulette wheel we took over that fucking roulette wheel we hit blackjack we're all it was like rain man over there oh yeah autistic it was fun it's a lot of fun and and we're having so much fun that it's hard to leave like veter keeps saying like we should go to the strip or like but what do we know in the strip we just walk around well it's actually turned into a bunch of ideal hangs for me because I like sitting around even when I was drinking we've talked about this I like just sitting around the five of us I want to hear you we're all being funny we're all telling stories what do we need to bring other people into this situation well the green room is

we're just sitting in the green room after the show for four hours five hours it's the best part of the night we got drinks in there we got laps we got candy goofballs but then we went to the Cosmopolitan one night which is like the hottest nightclub in town or the whatever you call it little little bird watching so yeah there was some real birds I mean these women are dressed with their labias are fucking dangling out Majora Ed menorah lighted there and then we saw that guy one guy the drunkest guy I've ever seen in public I should put it on the Patreon or something you filmed it I filmed it a little bit but I didn't get the the goods Ari walked by and physically touched he tried to knock him over put his hand because Ari was a little drunk too by the way

yeah Ari drunk is fun he was drinking tequila out of a sprite can and just being loud and kooky he was bumping into people and touching people but this guy was so drunk he looked like Jim Morrison if he was also doing heroin yeah he was on one foot he kept stumbling I was like this is the most blacked out I've ever seen a human being in my life but he was trying to not look blacked out like he was trying to stand normal but he's actually like he's like 90 degrees it was like weakened at Bernie's and then they were leaving like he rallies like no no we're going back in there and his friends like okay I mean everyone was parting to stop and look at this guy oh yeah it's wild it's it's it's a I mean I I know these are like way attractive people they're all rich

and young and all that but there's a sadness to it you see these guys you're like you're spending everything you work on Wall Street or whatever you do you spend all these thousands of dollars for that suit the hair the shiny shoes you blow it all in Vegas at a hotel room and then what yeah I don't know there's a there's a bummerness to it it's all very superficial it's all about your look they have nothing to live for they have no passion in life it's just about like looking cool and spending money and banging I think I guess banging and banging I get this there's a good there's nothing wrong with banging a bunch of people but like I don't know get a get a hobby get a love yeah they might have a love though they might have a love judgmental they could have biked there or something

maybe they hate you know yeah maybe maybe cards of their passion but my thing is if you're staying in the Cosmo it's because to you that's the height of life I think a lot of people aren't staying at the Cosmo though they're staying like down the street at Billy's motel yeah but if by their one good suit maybe it's just my whole thing is it's it's super important to them to be there they got to make a scene they got to look good I got to make a splash like this is how you make a splash in life yeah create something I always think it's strange we talked about this there when there's people in line to get into a nightclub like a long line crazy and they're wearing like eight inch heels or like a suit that's all tight and you're just waiting to get into a bar yeah it seems

strange to me I never was into that and then once you're in your life hasn't improved you're still a piece of shit you're still a nobody you just got in so I think you feel kind of good about it but then once you get in there it's just but great times good oldies and then we wish you're coming to Zion we're heading to Zion tonight me and Vecchio and Ari and Sarah the verdict or either dad or early tomorrow morning but probably tonight I think Ari said on tonight we're going to go hike the Red Rocks the whole thing by the way there's about nine places that are spectacular about an hour from here not three hours but whatever yeah we got a hot tub out there we're gonna really miss you guys I know I'm gonna miss you but that's that's gonna be so fun to like

you see you're in the heart of American hell which is just like hotels and gluttony and buffets and then you're gonna go right to a beautiful scenic nature yeah no phones airplane mode the whole thing it's gonna kill me not be able to smoke a cigar in that hot tub though that's gonna kill me oh yeah sitting in a hot tub with a cigar under the stars we have some beautiful stars here's gonna be the toughest part of the trip the end of Zion like this is tough to say goodbye to you and Veter and Liz and then no more vague it's been so fun the shows but then it's like all right new adventure yeah Zion but then Ari and Mike leave and that's like now Sarah I have to drive to like Sunnyvale and it's like back to work yeah I'm excited about Sunnyvale Roosterty that'll be great

at least it's decent work you're not going to fucking Youngstown but it's always tough everyone's gone now and you're just kind of like I mean obviously Sarah and I will have fun and be together but you're like all right now I gotta go back to writing and listening to sets and doing an hour you're like whew I don't want to get too much into work talk but I am so out of the joke world like I'll have a friend take me is this anything I'm like I don't even know how to tell what's funny anymore I know I'm soaked removed we're being funny together that's true it's interesting we're writing less but being more funny interesting like I'm making more jokes than I would if I was on the road writing less jokes isn't that interesting interesting because

I'm making a joke a minute here we're all hanging out trying to make each other laugh yeah so I've made 5000 jokes but written zero interesting well one is for occupation and one is for leisure yeah which is funner it is those are fun because when you're doing it for hangout you don't have to be like has this been done is this hacky is this weird and you're on stage you can't just rip a fart or be like Ari's a fucking loo whatever yeah yeah so it's a little less pressure and it's improvised you're like I'll that one stuck I'll try another one oh I've had a couple stinkers but uh yeah that's true uh but so now I gotta write but then also then after the trip you mine it for funny bits you know yeah too much pressure on the mining I'm not a miner no I'm old you're

a major yeah I hate I mean we talked about it we've dissected comedy up the ass and out the wazoo but I cannot if I get fucked in the ass by a gopher I'm like well there's all too much pressure right a bit and feel like that's gold there's so much there I'm like I got nothing well the craziest thing Sam Morrill is the craziest he got hit in the head with a fucking glass I know that a bit that night that night I need me six years I'm like what about this thing that happened with my ex-girlfriend 11 years ago that's who I am yeah I'm like well the gays are interesting yeah and then then I'm off on that we'll see but Vicky own and Vita were like that's a bit remember that told you the story about me and Uncle Dale coming to Vegas and he's

like five points for that is a bit I've tried as a bit but maybe I'll try it again I'm like it's a zero zero tie still I had a line at the the sports book that killed and and Ari and Vita like you got to do that and I tried it that night zilch and I was killing tough tough sledding out there yeah I'm so far removed from from the work ethic and the whole thing it's gonna be I gotta get back into it well speaking of which we gotta wrap this thing up is that right oh yeah we gotta start to at least it takes time oh yeah we gotta go we're meeting up at the gang we got a show right now I still have to shower we're gonna head to hit that EDR EDR free food in the dungeon the bowels of the casino the EDR is funny because it shows you it's in the bowels and it's where all the employees

eat and it just shows you like oh when if you don't have to look good you won't like the buffet has got like you know everybody's in uniform it's clean there's a shine on every buff on every counter but EDR it's like there's a swastika carved in in my tray and the the windows are dirty and the people are sad back you know did all that by the way yeah um he's angry what's weird also is that we eat I've eaten the salmon at the buffet is like good and the same as the EDR is garbage we like just give them the same salmon you would you call it good well it's bad I'm just trying to tell a story I see it's bad and it's horrific but doesn't hit his home as much you fucked me sorry yeah it is bad it's a pencil eraser there salmon is a pencil eraser and it's

the one thing I can eat that has some flavor so it's really bumming me out but it's actually been ideal to EDR and buffet because I can only eat four things so it's actually kind of nice yeah I could just be like all right I'm eating this thing again sure but a couple more weeks of this and I'll be back to normal I think back to normal maybe not normal but yeah I'll be able to dab all at least yeah I'll be able to have like some ketchup oh my god this is so crazy what a 180 your life has taken a piece of cheese anything I'd kill for anything right now wild butter I can't have I've literally eaten nothing but dry salad baked potato dry turkey that's it I can't have chicken skin I can't have seasoned it's it's fucking nuts great you see your plate it's all dry and

neutral colors there's no pizzazz at all no zing or zang and I was saying the other day I haven't used a napkin in four days yeah you don't need one you realize if you're eating really good bland foods you do not need a napkin there's no sauce there's no cheese there's no crumbs no running yeah it's literally not even brush my teeth anymore I lay in bed I just go that's fine there's no sugar yeah I don't blame you but I do feel 100% better than I did last episode so oh no what oh god the right one is not kicking up as much as the left oh well there is it's a little bit oh that's what you talk well one's me and one's you I don't think so oh yeah watch oh maybe you're right no because they both go when I'm talking only the left well you're reading mine it's coming into mine

a little bit are you sure yeah you're right you don't say anything watch yep yep now both are coming up we cover my mic it's oh man if we've got fucked on this one I think we're literally nothing happened oh maybe you're right once you're okay oh okay I'm left and you're right I see I see yeah you're a republican I'm a liberal uh hello hello I'm the left you're the right oh I'm the right yeah there we go which makes more sense you think yeah uh all right we gotta wrap it up but hey I got some big stuff coming up I got what do you got well uh belly room but first of all when's this come out I can't figure out uh 2020 Tuesday oh fuck what comes out when oh tonight is Houston tonight I'm at the secret group in Houston yes room cap city this weekend get your

tickets if you haven't already cap city this weekend I gotta start promoting I'm coming back to Seattle Bellevue Parlor live which is Thursday May 30th I'm going to see Brandi Carlisle on June 1st for her birthday are you bringing the lady because uh that's a that's a big room yeah I did it before uh Thursday May 30th Bellevue a lot of you came up before if you're Brandi Carlisle if you know Brandi Carlisle tell him to fucking swing by before her show not quite as exciting as the Pearl Gym Wednesday Friday but anyways it doesn't matter May 30th Thursday Parlor live Bellevue and then I'm going to do the belly room Sunday May 12th 8 o'clock I'm headlining my show in LA so people always ask about LA Sunday May 12th come out to that at the belly room I'll be in

LA I'm excited it's my show uh April 11 12 13 Worcester Massachusetts uh the woo ha ha get tickets for Friday night I want to hit that bonus and sell that show out get tickets to any show really I guess but yeah it's a casino gig no not the woo ha ha oh it's not what am I thinking of that's roar roar some a lot of owls I heard that one stinks um I got some other stuff coming up but I can't remember what any of them are so fuck me I'll have to think of them later go to comedian Joe list dot com tweet me suck my dick go hit the patreon yeah baby I'm out of energy I'm sorry I'm dying yeah this was a weird one but hey we're all we're remote yeah we got it done though remote control uh let's see this weekend uh you just saw me wait a minute all right now I'm

off this comes out April 1st I think April 2nd April 2nd yes so this weekend comedy club on state Madison Wisconsin album recording this is gonna be one for the books get your giggle push down on vinyl then Atlanta ATL laughing skull love that room and that's a small room so that's gonna fill up so if you want to take it I would jump on board Tempe improv always wanted to do this room headline it let's do it then I'm out in Europe with the fat shirtless guy then we got some fun stuff Rochester going to comedy at Carlson and Rochester New York with my fat friend Chris Al bananas and jersey then Sacramento punchline Tacoma comedy club a lot of fun stuff bag of my goobies and uh yeah you know it you love it queef it up tell a friend get on the patreon

we always got some bonuses cooking uh we'll get some queefs up there soon yeah yeah we got queefs coming don't worry and uh yeah praise Allah we love the uber cards we love seeing the gays out god bless america female fans and tell a friend and we love you she's on your own face love you bye