Tuesdays with Stories! - #291 Look Is Good

Episode Date: April 2, 2019

Hey folks, we meant to put this episode out LAST week but trust us, it's a way better ep than we did put out as Mark makes his way through Los Angeles before taping Conan and Joe & Sarah live through a cabbie road rage story for the ages. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy spitting at me hey we're live from Las Vegas lost wages they call it oh I never heard that you

never heard that no I don't think so if I have I forgot it we better go light on yeah yeah turn the light off there another notch I think it was brighter before oh really one more way now there you go it's a two for usually it's a one two three yeah it's off on bright they go all the way bright that's all the way baby now we're live in Las Vegas oh we should have moved the seats in front of the view you're right yeah we're at the Rio right on the strip her name was Rio and yeah and and we're living up we got a two shows tonight we just I flew in from City of Angels and you flew in from New York yes you were in Buffalo I

was in New York and I see of angels Buffalo they have angels yeah just Buffalo all right they're all their sports teams are named off the Buffalo it's the Buffalo bison the Buffalo bills but their emblem is a Buffalo and then the Buffalo Sabres and they've they invented the wing yeah yeah that's their thing the Buffalo wing yeah hot the butter and hot sauce or whatever all right which I can't have because a reflux oh we were just in the buffet and I mean chips and dip and cookies and lasagna and Chinese food and you're you had a plate of baked potato yeah watermelon slices and spinach yep

and it wasn't it's been it was like mixed greens I just took the mix greens and then just pulled the lettuce out and ate them like potato chips man and I had rice just white rice white rice white rice no hot sauce you're eating like when the Holocaust survivors they've rescued them they had to feed them basic shit or they would die oh they were so used to being you know starved like eating worms and shoelaces I guess so yeah well that Holocaust must have sucked oh yeah you got no energy any had to work they like made them break rocks and shit yeah like slavery type of thing and then there was the ovens the separation the cold the

heat the sleeping on top of each other I mean it's got to be around Jews all the time that ain't easy well that's the last episode folks good night this is actually Ari's recorder so take that hebe yeah we're using Ari Shafir's recorder we're in Mark's hotel large hotel room I might add very large I would say it's almost a sweet yes it's pretty sweet yeah sweet tooth but yeah I flew in from New York Ari was on my flight Ari he's like he can really sleep every night he sleeps the whole flight yep he fell asleep my house one time I have no ability to sleep like that well also he's 61 we should we should

note that yeah he's got a broken arm and we're getting old though like I have the reflux I can't eat anything I got foam in my mouth his arm he can't I had to like everyone had to carry a suitcase for him wow yeah it's a whole situation he's got a bad he's got a pink cast on yeah yeah yeah he's a mess something's off with his feet and legs too well they're so long and gangly yeah and he wears those boots so he's got like it looks like a wooden hoof yeah what's with the boots it's a we're in the desert here he's got a snow boot on well we're going hiking oh so I guess it sucks to pack it takes up too much space you just wear your hiking

boot but I feel like a boot is bad for hiking you want a sporty tennis well the snakes bite your ankles the storms and I think that's it thorns and snakes maybe a pebble all right well snake or a prior no snake black guy walking the woods oh yeah they're so cool you know yeah I feel like I'm so out of it because I've been living in LA for six years I haven't been in New York in five years what did I know we were in LA for two days were you not no no no wait well let me let me run this back here hold on run it back what the hell was I doing you went to Ann Arbor no Royal Oak Royal Oak so I did a week in a Royal Oak that

was killer one of the great clubs I think I think it's like a sleeper a good club okay I like it a lot I really like it I had great I did have great sets there some of the best sets I've ever had all right well they get a little rowdy the hotel is now down the street from the club that helps a lot great hotel right down the street had a good opener nice kids over there we sold out a couple of them good times I would say it's the second best club in Michigan behind Ann Arbor ahead of Grand Rapids but great Ann Arbor is a better layout and they care more about comedy but I feel like they don't pack them in like the

Royals maybe but as far as I think you know I think Ann Arbor is number one but you know Mark Ridley yeah that's who owns the club mark it's called Mark Ridley's comedy castle credited with creating the three-person show is that right his thing what the 1525 45 the host feature headliner yes also known as MC middle headliner aha what closer yeah all right but as that was his thing he was like we're gonna start doing this and it's it's standard across the business yeah that's a Ridley joint all right read nicely done yeah a nice guy from all accounts sweet man I heard he watches the whole show from his mansion on a

hill I've heard he's like Kristoff in Truman show you know he's moving shit around and tell me what to do and he was at Apollo 13 that's right Ed Harris Pollock Jackson he was Jackson Pollock oh right movie right in the film which everybody makes that joke it's such a hack joke now where they go I sharded by my underwear look like a Pollock painting oh yes every shit joke yep all right so let me let me get right to it I mean unless you want to you want to commiserate no no go go what is commiserate that's when you get to get it's kind of like Kovetch Kovetch is is the Jewish commis yeah but that's the way commiserate I

use so I thought commiserate had a negative connoté yeah so does Kovetch it's like you get together and you complain okay event well I got a vent about this I got heckled real hard that we're going back six weeks because we haven't seen each other in a moon oh what do you call baboon's ass is that a thing that's a thing but it's not a I haven't seen you in a coon's age but I think that's offensive oh really I don't know raccoon coon in it which is offensive for sure is raccoon but it could also be coon dot but yeah I'm pretty sure that's bad so we apologize all right sorry coons so yeah I was at

the comedy star the night before I leave for Detroit which is not bad like a two hour flight it's a beautiful no and the way back it's like a these flights by the way I think they could do all the flights in ten minutes I flight I go on there like I tell me a nine hour flight and then you get on and the pilot comes on he's like once we're in the air it's about 11 minutes we'll make up time we're gonna go a little faster it's like what are you doing it's all baloney well they have to give you the nine hour windows they can go another on-time flight lay on the runway for six days seven nights great movie

oh and hey yuck what is she gay she not gay what's going on there oh she's ugly that's for sure she's not a she's not a looker but she she went down on Ellen which is fun well they date who knows what happened while under the cover of darkness but I think you date a few years you're gonna go down on somebody once or twice there was a mom you would think but my wife hasn't got that memo good point my um there was a moment where I thought Ellen was kind of sexy I could see that but now she looks like a troll doll with its head shaped she's got a bit of a condor her ears are growing her nose is growing and her

face is shrinking she's got those bug eyes but I hate the dancing stop dancing you crazy dyke what a sweet girl the hell yeah she can wreck a ragged to any alright so which I can't eat yeah yeah cobblestones over here so I'll show it to you I'd love to see it's like a it's gushing come down the back of my throat finally you swallow I want to see the come I want to see the herp I want to see your asshole I want to see your set I want to see the whole thing so what was it oh all right so I'm at the cellar the night before I go to Royal Oak and it's like I'm doing the late show it's you know four in the morning it's

me a tell and Geraldo so I'm there I go up and I'm not first which is rare I always first the cellar so it was a nice treat I'm like third I'm like oh man I got the cushy spot I think I got a Geraldo joke too late though hit me he passed there you go that's fun you say that because I was just the comedy store and I go do you guys hear what happened to Brody and it would always kill oh geez but you got to pick the right guy you don't want to go up to the some some lunatic but so I'm at the cellar and the whole night they're going there's they're tough they are not budging they're stiff as a board they're gay

it's a brutal show and I was like I'll get them I'm just gonna run my cone and set and get a yeti so I go up I'm doing pretty well and I do the cone instead it goes okay but I can tell they're tight as hell so I start making fun of them a little bit and then I do a joke by how everybody's offended and I do this joke by like oh you can't say anything in an office now and this lady yells out that's because everyone in your office is white what and I was like what I didn't get it she was like a Spanish person so she was saying like you probably only work with white people maybe she's showing the white people are the ones offended so

maybe she's pro oh maybe I PC it didn't feel like it it felt antagonizing okay like she was coming at me but I hope you're not right because I gave her the biz I was like shut the fuck up I'm like I'm at work right now this is my office and you shut the fuck up and like the audience hated her so I was getting some big pops and we really went back and forth that's good and I was like now you shut up now you don't talk you don't know anything about me you think you're a hero you suck and they almost had to throw her out and it got weird as they didn't are there I was president either sometimes I'll say this and this is

probably a bad idea but that bouncer sometimes he's out there eating a cherry pie sleeping he's not riding fences yeah you want to be like hey come on I know it's 2 a.m. but like take a peek in here right but hey I get it's a long shift and they're drunk I don't know so we we we really went at it then the next day I had Jim and Sam and had a hot Jim and Sam and then went to the airport oh nice yeah I take the the bus to LaGuardia now the M60 yes yeah it's the best deal in town I used to live on the M60 in Harlem lived in 127 it was pretty good yeah so now I'm worried that she was on my side because I really yelled at her yeah it

sounds like she was shitting on the white people we hate but why would you say that out loud it felt cunting hold on take take me back through you say what you said I said the joke is it's funny how much has changed like in the old days in the 70s if you want to show you were brave you jump over 12 buses on a motorcycle okay now I see a guy make an off-color joke at the office I'm like that guy's fearless okay and she was like that's cuz everyone at your office is white hmm shit now I think you're right yeah it sounds like she's shitting on the whites oh well I really called her a cunt a coups a skank a whore a twat the

bitch I did the whole Rolodex did she say anything back no really she was like whatever whatever you know okay oh I feel bad now yeah it might have been but maybe I maybe not because it sounds like everyone is white sometimes it sounds like that's cuz you don't know what you're talking about cuz you're white that's what I thought it was but I don't know when I was trashing her everybody was on my side hmm like I was getting a lot of like yeah you're a tell you tell her did you get a go girl no that's good cuz a go girl would be friday for her yeah no girl girl maybe a go Gert a go girl I got go Gerd oh yeah help you out

really yeah last prevention return good radio station all right sounds gonna be a bad one so then I fly to Detroit get there and how about this you know you get to the club it's it's that new feeling we're like all right I'm in the club I gotta shake everybody's hands say hi to the manager say hi to the bartender get to know everybody I like that big guy with the white goatee yeah he's really nice Bill yeah yeah good egg got me free tickets to the museum oh that's this thing I get to the I get to the club and the manager's like oh you're gonna love it tonight you're gonna love this crowd tonight I was like uh-oh and whenever

somebody says that it's bad news he goes you're gonna love it out there I go what's going on he goes well it's a giant 50-person work party and it's a seeing-eye dog graduation the dogs graduated I said yeah what the hell's that mean he's like there's a bunch of seeing-eye dogs in the crowd that sounds pretty rough yes it was a rough crowd and I was like what he's like yeah but they're seeing-eye dogs so they're well behaved I was like all right I look out there it's like a fucking dog pound as dogs with vests all over the place it was but it was like a petting zoo it was brutal not to mention the work party

when it was a work party they all get together and they eat they heckle yeah and so now I'm going so hey how about that uh that Jesse Smollett yeah he's he's a real liar I swear to God I'm getting a intermittent bark all throughout the show and you can't play like a heckling kind of like pick when it's gonna happen you're gonna get a pause break yeah it was rough you can't plan a rough you know just every now then oh boy how about that Trump and it was subtle like that wow wow you hear somebody go shh rocksy shh you know you're like god damn it and then one point I was getting heckled and I said ma'am do

you realize that you have been more annoying than a dog you've spoke you're more uncontrollable than a dog you're worse than an animal that's how I felt when I shit in the shoe what do you mean when I shit in that girl show people like if you dog did that you beat it yeah good point human that's true so what did she say to the dog because women in my experience do not like being compared to canines nah she wasn't happy about it I called her a beagle or something I don't know but it got ugly but the dog was better behaved in this fucking cut so it was ugly but it was that was that was Thursday wow it's just funny how the

manager's like oh you're gonna love these guys brutal so well you didn't love them is what you say well it was it was an obstacle course of comedy it was tough but I love Detroit I would go into Detroit every day and I had lunch with the other comics Brett and Wes and we had a good time Nate was the opener he was very funny so then Saturday rolls around three openers yeah that sounds very white by the way it was all white guys the whole show Brent Wes and Nate that's the only comics in town I think I guess so that's what every time I go on the road it's just three fat bearded straight white guys yeah a lot of fat

bearded whites out there and they're all pretty funny yeah there's a lot of funny guys Mike Cronin probably the best of them oh really well that's not in New York York you got Samford I guess and Andy yeah he's not fat anymore now he lost a lot of weight yeah big fan of the uppers all right but yeah had a good time Detroit went to the one fucking Holland over here I want the third man records oh Nashville yeah he's got two where's the business one Detroit oh Detroit Detroit Rock City yeah he's a I think he's a Detroit guy but you went to Detroit what's the 20 minute Uber oh okay yeah and thanks to our trusty fans we

got a lot of Uber credit so just putting that on the Tuesday dime yeah keep those coming if you don't mind I can't take your polo anymore I'm wheezing over I got asthma this is horrible oh yeah you don't look great I have a disease you're emaciated it's bad but your jawline is better than ever oh really yeah that stinks ours good I guess it's good okay it's thinner yes it's it's more pronounced yeah and perverted yeah all right so then it's fun weekend all the way around and then Saturday night one lady was so drunk she kept heckling is that thing where I was yelling at her and she'd even know it you know those ladies

where they're like talking amongst each other and I'm like will you shut the fucking everybody hates you you suck and then they're like she don't even know you're talking about her man and I was like god damn it so then I just kept going at her and they threw her out nice they're like I see her wheeling like they're like walking her out like arm and arm and she's kicking it's good I didn't do anything I didn't do anything and her boyfriend's like grabbing the coat behind her with the purse you know and I just went off on her and I was like I gotta stop being so mean and I said ah the sad thing is I'm gonna

probably try to fuck her and that killed all right and then I could hear the mountain the hallway screaming and fighting oh my god good and then you think this is better than an arbor well you're painting a bad picture here it's a great club it was sold out I mean it's a Saturday night it's the night for st. Patty's I think people are juiced up yeah but I don't I like the room I like the room to and they had a couple things like that they police yes they do I don't I feel like Ann Arbor doesn't police as well oh I think that Roger he'll throw you right out for one I know that's what makes it so fascinating yeah

I guess so picks him up and spins him over his head he's a great guy he's got great taste yes he does he's a kooky guy he's a cook but he's a comedy cook funny cook yeah all right you okay I don't want to get to a anal here oh we're only fucking 15 minutes in oh jeez I thought we were done all right well that's same weekend no that was this past weekend God I can't even figure anything out what day is it's Wednesday Wednesday we're in Vegas we don't know what's going on I'm all fucked up I thought it was Monday you were in New York right yeah I was in New York this past weekend Sarah's family was in town

her siblings so I had one brother at my house and then her other brother was at her sister's house all the gang all four Sibs that makes sense yeah all four siblings all in the same neck of the way and then Friday Thursday was supposed to hang we all went to Colin Quinn show which I think might be over now oh it was great huh unbelievable so good he's one of the best we went we had our VIP seats was exciting but then she had three siblings coming to the show but two of them got delayed flight delay and then the third had to wait to meet them so they could drop their luggage off mmm so we had three unused tickets go see

Colin so that was this happens like two hours for the shows but oh boy so now we're in the village beautiful day 70 degrees that unbelievable you missed a hell of a day it's like 60 in Vegas I know it was warm as it was my asshole and we're walking around beautiful day at a great day but then we had three tickets we got to try to figure it out so Colin Cantor I'm calling comics everyone's out of town even trying to get your girlfriend to go I remember she was grateful well I appreciate but we were in the village you're like we're running out of time we get someone nearby wolf everyone's seen it no one

wants to do any comics or how to get to do things last minute yeah that's true we got a weird schedule plus we have to mentally prepare for shit you know like if you go hey you want to go to the mall with me and this guy I'm like I don't know that guy that well I gotta think about I gotta process it oh yeah I got all everything planned today in advance yeah it's hard to get up and giddy last minute forget it so well we got the VIP Quinn tickets now we got three empty tickets I'm trying to figure out so I'm texting with you you make a man run on yeah I said all right let me try him I guess I mean cuz it's gonna have to be

quick oh yeah and he's a pudgy little man but he jumped right on it he was like I'd love to go I have a set I'll come down and want to see it so we meet him he must have been shocked I mean out of the blue I guess so yeah I mean he was excited but earlier that day I went to the Big East tournament with Gary Veter old little Veter when I watched a little hoop which fucked me up because I was there for five hours two games wow I can't eat anything so I'm like I got to eat something I'm starving so I'm looking around we're walking on the garden there's no healthy options no ironically no health in the garden I

know for the first time in my life I kept seeing garden market I was like oh I need some greens but I'm like oh it's a pun pun it's not an actual garden no no so I end up getting fried chicken and french fries I'm like I'm like I got to eat something and it's like the best of everything because a burger is fatty and greasy cheese bun right chicken fries that's the worst well it's I mean I love it chicken tender so all right all right Rippy but yeah it's fried breaded but I was starving I shouldn't I should have just held out and been starving yeah knows so I get that and then of course I'm paying for that later then I go straight

to just salad I'm right by your old apartment just salad green green greens what's it called sweet green sweet greens right in your old building there just a salad so I'm eating a salad I watched the lady drop her laptop on the corner to and then 20 minutes later a guy dropped his iPhone same exact spot that's what's cursed it's a Bermuda triangle of Apple yes careful in the window at sweet greens folks I'll lose your what's it called device device oh wow all right good movie device sorry I'm a little fucked up because I'm having a bad attack over here of acid and pepsin really from that meal I don't know what's

going on I didn't eat for a while I had popcorn earlier boy this is why I'm a little horse right can you hear it some raspy a little bit yeah maybe not I don't hear it's in my head we're gonna deep breath in there yeah boy I'm worried about I feel like I'm hanging out with Dom del Louise I'm on my last legs over here I'm like Hyman Roth those are two references maybe four people got yeah it's not good but yeah he'll figure it out but anyways Google it let me figure things out where am I at here I'm having a panic attack over here about my health oh boy well let's see oh I think he's turn it Ranaan's common he takes a

ticket we got two extra tickets yeah so we're like I don't know what to do we're at the show the show's starting so like we're looking around like we're just gonna fucking find someone walking up the street that's gonna want a ticket what is VIP because that's a small room it's a small room that we thought VIP they're free tickets the cops from him you know then we get in there so we just decided we'll take the two extra tickets just give them back to the house maybe they can sell them mm-hmm so we give the two tickets back to the house then the three of us walk in I'm like oh we could have just taken those three tickets and sat

together ah three of us so now we're not by himself oh we're sitting two rows over oh look at him 50 feet away it's a show anyway I know but it still is one of those things we're like well that was stupid we had two tickets and three tickets and this three of us we handed them that's a good point tickets of the three felt stupid then we see Justin Silver ah he's cute Christina Hutchinson ah she's cute JP McDade he's cute and maybe someone else the whole gang's there Craig gas wow yeah yeah he's there and it might have even been someone else I think that might have been I haven't seen gas since 90s and it was something it

was a great show that but then there's a little girl next to me like a 12 year old girl with her dad we I'm like why'd you bring a 12 year old girl this is like a political show yeah yeah what is she gonna get maybe she's a Republican and of course her feet don't reach the thing so she's just tapping her foot like this your feet are dangling the whole time the whole things I hate it's rocking the seat and the whole thing I'm flipping out but once the show started she kind of stopped doing that but she was very antsy pants yeah well she doesn't get anything now she's got her head dad she's doing head bobs her heads on my

shoulder at one point I can hear him being like because the Republicans are blah blah blah and the Democrats see the state was this and I'm like that sucks yeah it's always something but I'm like if it's always something it must be me nah well you're you're very a toon I'm a toon and I'm a cunt but I mean cut to the tune I'm a toony cunt but there's people talking yeah no I get it I'm with you I start to think I'm too much of a curmudgeon of an asshole but I'm like but we are at a performance yes an adult show there's an 11 year old girl and this guy is just talking to her I had a thing on a flight somewhere I was flying

to LA and there was a guy reading the paper and he first he shows up to the seat and the guy is in the aisle and he's in the window so the guy standing up goes you want the window I mean if you want the window you can have it but the guy clearly wanted the aisle but he's talking to the guy who's already in the aisle so I hated this guy out of the gate he's like you want the window you can take the guy was like okay I'll do you want me to take the window he's like if you want the window if you want it so then the guy gets up nice guy gets in the window this guy opens the paper he's doing like the you know you're gonna flip

it open flapping it and flipping it pop the tent and then he goes the cart comes by and he falls asleep and he goes can I get a diet coke he like grabs the woman I hated this guy he goes can I get a diet coke and the guy goes okay he goes can you get up a diet coke and a ginger ale for that guy so the guy runs back gives him a ginger ale goes I said a diet coke he's like oh I heard ginger ale I mean this guy was so mean I hate him he's got the paper out in the aisle no one else hated this guy but I hate I gave him a look okay see I'm not mean by alone I don't not mean but I hate yes I'm nice but I hate you're a nice hater

country tune tunator Ralph Nader oh boy yeah how about this so one time I was on a flight you talk with the leg tap I was on a flight Nile I'm a shaky knee I gotta wrestle I do this one the Bob yeah I'm familiar and this lady goes could you stop doing that oh wow and it fucked me up I hate it was a three-hour flight I hated her for the whole time I don't care for that yeah it was a bit much like what if I'm spastic what if I'm a little wiggly yeah you got something wrong yeah what the fuck but is it a show is it a performance no I just do this out of boredom sometimes because something if it's shaking her seat sometimes the

seats are touching will shake the seat I think I might have shaken her seat but it's still it's a bold move to go hey dickface could you stop but sometimes I wish I had a little more of that boldness maybe I wish I had it in me to be like hey could you stop talking it's a performance instead I just sit there and I'm like nine days when tell about this in a podcast well yeah I guess I was a little jealous of her that's probably why I hated her maybe maybe there's a balance I don't know one time my dad's a cunt one time we were at a Broadway show before I live in New York we went to New York as a vacation we saw this show I

can't remember what it was and this lady was behind that's probably a 13-year-old girl she's behind my dad just folding a piece of rapper fun just boredom and my dad goes could you stop folding that rapper and she was mortified wow mortified and I was in my I try to get inside my own asshole I was so uncomfortable we had that at I don't know who's Colin show or melon camp but there was a lady fiddling with oh no it was Colin show it was a lady had like a bag of chips or yeah gum rapper was something but we like three of us had to all just do the turnaround you just do the look and she's like oh yeah sometimes the look is good it's funny how

loud those things are when you really amplify it yes because when you just in your room you don't even notice it but when you're at a theater it's like yeah if it's silent yes but violent okay so then we go to the show Colin shows for that three spots after that I did 12 spots in three nights which was really fun wow so Friday night we're all supposed to hang out again but I didn't get to see the siblings because they ended up being delayed and then I had spots so Sarah went home hung with them I didn't see him you cool at the Sibs very cool at the Sibs good Sibs good Sibs funny Sibs mm-hmm Sib city yeah Sydney Dean

mm-hmm white man can't you ah Sydney I don't know a lot of shit I got a lot of fluid and shit and I'm I got a health condition I have a chronic health condition you do just like that yeah I mean we I mean we were at a Las Vegas hotel buffet I got all kinds of the trimmings what are they called with the whole works pussy yes on my plate I got labia and molvas and clits and you got a goddamn baked potato no butter no pepper no cheese no bacon at the restaurant I had to have a piece of salmon nothing else just a salmon yeah a little salmon filet for gay man yeah maybe I just want to kill myself I want to die I might

die at least a cancer you might well let's not get into that I don't want to scare you now I'm scared I can't breathe good I'm all fucked up yeah anyways alright I gotta fuck I gotta get together for a half hour here focus focus maybe it'll help you take your mind off the diet anyway so Friday now it's like time I gotta go I got a show I got three show I got to it New York Comedy Club and one late seller mm-hmm so I do my I said it backwards I had a New York Comedy Club and then two late sellers all right I do New York Comedy Club now I got a few hours to kill Peter Sellers and I fucked it up again it was

actually the stands pop-up show I don't know where I'm at my mind I feel not well but you want me to take the reins or you got it no no I got it I just got itchy throat my fucking chest is fucked up let me refill the water no no I'm good anyways what about an ant acid like a tums or something yeah that's it's too strong for that that doesn't do it okay it's not the acid it's the pepsin and it's a whole thing mm-hmm it's a it's a condition yeah it is it's a serious crazy how it just came one day you had it yeah well but it's it didn't just cut like it's 37 doing everything you can possibly do to get it right it's almost

like you tried to three and a half decades huge meal going right to bed laying down cigars coke is like the worst thing you can have for it spicy extra hot sauce cheese fat beef tomato tomato sauce extra sauce on everything sounds delicious for years yeah chocolate damn peppermint tea green tea caffeine those chocolate chip cookies the I think it's the green tea that did it no no that's the best that's the healthiest of all this thing coke is the worst coke coke is the worst thing for it and processed food anything comes in a box I eat the Giorno all the time all the time three times a week I'm eating a

full de Giorno with a coke right I fucked myself eat how eat well out there if you're listening all right but I can get it together so Friday I do the stand pop-up show at the old village comedy club which is now Greenwich Village comedy club formerly the Boston oh now it's a rock or something like that yeah something like that you did a show there yeah downstairs in the jazz club the pop-up that's a cool room super cool room it was Ron Bennington myself and some others Jesus Bennington nice yeah so it was great did that so now I'm gonna go meet them in the East Village that the four of them are hanging on the East

Village like I'm walking over I start walking the skies open up pouring rain thunderstorm I ran under an awning not an awning what do you call that with that doing construction scaffolding I ran into some scaffolding at NYU right on University Place there and I'm like it's down poor wow cats and dogs even an uber like just to get in the uber would just soak you ubers like ten minutes away but it ended up being like I canceled on me right because everybody wants one in the rain exactly so I'm like I can't even get there I don't know what to do she's like I understand I'm like I'm gonna wait for

the rain to stop but I don't even then I don't know so there's no one to the downpour turn to just like regular rain but even then it was still I was like let me try to walk I was like it's too rainy it's too wet I'm soaked I got two more shows in the cellar so I went to but CVS bought an umbrella and I said I'm not even gonna meet they're like we're gonna just gonna take off we're gonna go back to Queens I'm like I can't hang in Queens but decide I'm gonna go to the IFC oh I got three hours till my spot I have a 1255 and a 125 Jesus so I'm going I'm just gonna watch a movie so I went and sell this movie called transit which I

think is a French or German film I can't tell subtitle subtitled at IFC but it's kind of romantic because I got the umbrella now I'm walking in the rain to the IFC the old movie house to see a nice foreign oh alone and my socks away I'm gonna watch it alone before doing it going to perform in the village it was pretty pretty sexy I like that it was nice I can see the IFC illuminated in the distance through the rain beautiful the wet streets the cabs are reflecting off the street oh yeah quite a picture with the old hot dog place there I'm wet it's nice so I go in there once you get inside when it's raining we're like all

right I met IFC now my feet are drying off I wish I want M&M's in a Coke of course can't have it can't have it ah it's brutal brutal how was the flick pretty good flick pretty good flick as an old book from like 1942 and they made it in a modern-day era so it's like a World War two movie they set in modern Paris fun and it's Paris that's sexy it's pretty it's fun love Paris oh the best so forget Paris so I finished that another great foreign film so I finished that I walk over I do my two sets seller underground fun always nice to be there on a weekend oh yeah good money and that was that night basically so you didn't meet

no meet and that Saturday we ended up hanging out all day great hang we woke up or they came over to our house first we went out we took we got on the F train but the train was fucked up we're gonna walk over the Brooklyn bridge but then we got on the F and then they were like this is running the M line so we end up getting off at what is it Marco Avenue at Margo Avenue right at the Williamsburg Bridge to the M Marcus Avenue marks is a oh Morgan no it's the M I think it's Marcus first stop not Marcus meet Marcy Marcy yes we get off at Marcy which is a Williamsburg bridge but we really wanted

to walk over the Brooklyn bridge so we said fuck it let's just walk to the Brooklyn bridge so we walked to Williamsburg Saturday morning and it's the Hebrews city Joe yeah those crazy hats like birthday cake it's like a time travel it's another dimension it's a strange thing going on with it's like being in another country it is it's a Israel it's wild and no one even seemed to know it's a ghostly they don't even notice you if you're a regular no they don't care about a Gentile you're not chosen walked right by no I can't no like hello excuse me whatever it was like we were ghosts it was very strange

ain't you well ghost is a slur for white men oh yeah ghost-faced killer haha I was that what he meant I think so yeah and it was very popular that's harsh yeah kill whitey mm-hmm well I thought my old landlord was a ha seed and I'm talking ha seed like this guy had the hat the curls that the weird white tassel things and I had to go to Borough Park which is like their hub out in Brooklyn and I had to pay my rent and I would get lost because it's all kooky streets down there it's all that whatever that writing is that Hebrew writing on the street signs yes and so I Islamic yes so I go hey I saw a guy come out of his

house and I go hey man can you tell me which way 14 Street is and he goes I don't know mmm that he was and I walked a block it was 14 Street aha he was a douche might have been skeptical I mean they are skeptical folks have had to run into some issues I was holding a check I thought they would make them understand Czech Republic yeah a lot of them there check your head but the time is great doesn't feel like we've been chatting for an hour well we're in Vegas it's a different time zone it is strange it's a time zone so anyways we walked all the way across the Brooklyn Naval Yar we walked all the way

down to Dumbo which is a beautiful area of Dumbo everyone takes that photo of the Empire State underneath the Manhattan Bridge yeah that was fun they're all in the street trucks are honking cobblestone over there oh my throat my throat is bad bad right now yeah deep throat great film yep so we did that great hang but I got a real I want to pass it off and I got a real big nugget store I got a real story all right I'll just do a couple things about LA but I 'll save Conan okay all right he's coming he's Conan and I got a big whopper a big come in the ass oh I love a come in the poop I gotta catch my breath over

here I'm asthmatic now yeah yeah all right here we go you're like Farley in the talk show he's like all excited Chris Farley show thank you all right so I get to LA from Detroit got to go to Chicago layover then go to LA though it's a whole thing and finally get to Los Angeles on Sunday night now my whole plan huh nighttime well it was a late it was like a 2 p.m. flight okay and then I probably got there five or so all right so I get to LA they got a car waiting for me it's one of these Conan they give you a car oh that's beautiful love the car so I get off the guys got the signs is M. Normand I instagramed it and it's

like a good-looking guy like a hot young sexy dude picking me up and I was like I gotta tell you man he's carrying my bag he's got a suit on I'm like he's got his own suit it's not like a like a black suit just like his own stylus stylish suit right and I was like oh man I gotta tell you you know it's usually some old weird guy named Winston or something and you're like this cool dude named Chad and what do you look like an actor he's like I actually am an actor but I'm having a little some trouble getting spots or whatever so we get in the car we start talking and I was like where you from it goes Pennsylvania I go Pittsburgh

and he goes yeah how'd you know and I go because you're not mean enough to be from Philly you're not a cunt not another one's Philly I'm just saying those guys have a little edge yes very edgy this guy had no edge and he's like fuck Philly and I was like oh here we go everybody hates Philly no he's like no no I went there I got jumped at the train station oh wow so now me and this guy are like bonding because he got jumped beat put in the hospital oh my god yeah he said a guy walked up at the train the 30th Street station we've taken it a million times yeah and he gets there and some guy goes hey man what's up what do

you got and he goes what do you mean and he just knocked him out then they just kicked him while he was on the ground broke some ribs it's my biggest fear I know he said when he got to the hospital he we woke up like two days later one of those things oh and he couldn't even he didn't he looked in the mirror he was like what the fuck and see the scars on his face after he was talking about man so he like we opened up usually he tried not to talk to these guys and man this guy let it out and I told him about me getting mugged a few times and we really bonded wow yeah I don't know where that came from but it was it was a doozy so

they put you up in this nice hotel Hotel Amorano out on out in Burbank Wow it's a way better hotel it's an upgrade I don't know what Cone is doing but now they're going to half hour everything's kind of been kicked up a notch well they have less guests maybe that is more money per guest maybe they right before you had three guests now there's two guys the hotels better they never picked me up on a car before like everything was better so I get to Burbank and it's like clean and this blue sky and sunny and I'm coming out of Detroit which is foggy and gay so I'm like oh my god I go I'm taking the night off I'm

not bothering anybody for spots I'm just gonna take it off but it goes see a god damn movie all right so I get an Uber and I go down to the city walk yeah Universal Walk Universal Walk which is a lot of time there it's beautiful it's like a guy playing a guitar and there's lights everywhere and there's a pink berry and this those these families running around it's like the comedy club there for a minute there was a John Lovett yes that's gone I'm said Kevin Nealon that's the ticket so I go what movie am I gonna see they didn't have much it's all Marvel it's all shit it's all bro I want to get started on it's all

sequel brutal bro I can't even go I literally cannot go it's pet six it's mom's your asshole your dad's a dick I know I gotta go see some French nerds yeah so I go all right I guess out of these shithole options I'm gonna go see the spider verse oh I heard that's fine I hear it's great it's got like 99 on rotten to me and ladies in there yes I didn't know that I gotta tell you it's pretty good that bird it's not my cup of cheese but it was well done yeah well done it's a new spin on an old jizz and there was something spin doesn't need spin not he's got a web on he swings who spawn is that somebody's another guy

he's like a bad guy but he's good but he's dead and he's gay I don't know what's going on with spawn is similar to venom they must be the same artist aren't they similar black and have webs or something they got a they got a similar shaped head yeah venom yeah the venom's a whole another queef he's a bad guy from the spider verse yeah but he's just wearing the suit spawns got like a cape and he's rotting and can't pick on he's Aidsy something's up like if you open his shirt it's just bees and bones and yeah I don't know okay yeah I will we'll get into spawn later call in if you know about spot I think she's like it's some

spot in my hair I think he's a child of the devil oh nice something like that spawned from him spawn from the devil Warren spawn that's balding now shit that's what we need a sponsor but yeah he's a bad guy but he's a good guy I don't know we got it so I go to spider verse and these these movies that's $20 a ticket I didn't know that we're old men I like old bags yeah I pulled out of fiverr you know I'm here for the cartoon film and the ladies like that's gonna be 20 by to pull out a credit card and so I go into the concession area because I'm like I'm really doing it up tonight I'm gonna see a movie I'm not

going to do any comedy I got a hotel morano I'm ubering I'm a douche so I go into the concession and it's a lot of nacho and hot dog and pop I don't want any of that but I see a freezer full of like ice cream bars and ice cream sandwiches and popsicles so I grab a hog and DOS popsicle with the almond or the nuts around it oh yeah yeah those yeah it's like chocolate it's vanilla with a chocolate coating and then almonds all over it or maybe it's peanuts I don't know so I put one of those I pick one of those out of the freezer put it in my coat I will walk right in the movie theater and I ate that shit and watched

a cartoon and it was pretty good it's pretty good I mean it's still a cartoon there's a lot of jump kicks and you know bad dialogue but it's pretty good okay all right maybe I'll see it one day I won't see it what am I talking about it's very urban like they put an urban spin it's his kid he's a black kid in New York and he's like got a dad who's a cop and he's a fat spider or something there's a fat spider man a girl is an Asian a spider man from the 40s it's it's fun okay yeah I'll check it out maybe all right so I did that went back home and I drugged myself cuz I was starting to feel a little sick so I went

back to Vaughns Theo Vaughns that's Vaughns that's the name of their grocery store Vaughns oh so I go to Vaughns and I pocket some uh some uh sleeping pills okay yeah and I just take like four of them and I just conked cuz I want to knock this out I got TV yeah and I really slept in and boy something about that LA air I know there's a smog they talked about but it's so crisp and the Sun is out I had the patio door open to my balcony that air coming in the what do you call that the drapes the drapes are blowing in the wind it matches the carpet it's a great time yeah I think the smog was like in the

70s and 80s oh is that well yeah the valley bourbon I think it's okay over there all right ish oh I wanted to say too when I got to the movie theater there's a guy like directing traffic with those little orange do you know a what's a usher he's the traffic cop I think I'm in the movie no no outside parking by the parking I see and he goes oh man Mark Norman oh wow yeah he goes you're the second comic I've seen tonight I go geez it was the first he goes Tracy Morgan no you can't put me on the same page as Morgan now you're better now he's getting me pregnant so that was fun went to the the pool the next day sat by the

pool for like three hours got a nice base tan jerked off went swimming nothing better than a swim alone a pool hang a solo was nice I got the ear pods in I'm really soaking it up and then I went to the gym now the gym in LA I went to like an LA fitness sure walked right in didn't even sign in I said fucking I'm gonna see if I can pull this off walked right in so you so he take a take note of this I get the free I get the uber we got the uber bucks so the uber's free yeah I go to the gym I walk right past the desk I own the place they don't even question me so now I got a free LA fitness then I go to Chipotle on the Chipotle car oh

thank you fans not bad pretty good pretty good all though I knocked out three things for free but the LA gym I mean if you ever get a chance to go to the gym in LA it is comical what do you the jib and LA well it's I'm in the LA Burbank LA fitness so it's all these Instagram models oh I fake tits fake lips you know buff guys everybody you gotta be hot in LA every machine is taken every class is full you know I go to the rec center in the West Village and it's me and three 90-year-old guys and they're you know they can't even get the weight off the right you gotta look young out there yeah young and tan and fit and creamy

they're wearing all like the cool workout stuff they got the nice kicks and I'm in there I'm wearing like sweatpants and a shirt with a swastika on it you know right and they're all I mean these women in there it's bananas and they're all taking photos of themselves they they set up a little phone thing and they film themselves like benching yeah there's a lot of that going around it's friends of ours I don't really understand it well you want to show I'm I'm part of the hustle man I'm working it I got I'm grinding yeah I don't I think the rock started all that shit and Kevin Hart yeah yeah Kevin Hart's like a fitness guy

oh yeah they all filmed themselves like one guy's doing curls and he's got the fucking phone up against the glass and then he has to check the video to see if it worked I'm like can I just get in can I work out right right but it is so funny I mean the people they have no shame just like doing the leg presses holding the phone above their head like a selfie position just doing the press it's great probably not great for the form yeah maybe not maybe not reform LA forum so yeah yeah me too had a good time and then I did a hot tub remember hot tub yeah I don't know it did it no no I've never done one cool show in LA no

meltdown nope interesting hot tub no melt down Josh Josh nope huh nope but the club so that's nice yeah I'm a club guy yeah it's your club guy yeah I did I did one cool show Cameron Esposito show at UCB on a Tuesday what was that one called oh don't tell mama yeah something like that and it was fun Galton I can stop by that was years ago now that was probably five years ago oh wow yeah alright so I did a hot tub the high till over to the store because I texted JF Harris remember JF Harris of course he's an LA guy now and I said hey can you get me on he's like you got it went to the store did five in the OR

which always feels cool yeah and you see all the people as Burke Chrysler there's a what what's his what's his toes and I saw for him I saw Andrew Santino I saw Rory Scoville scope Jordan Carlos was there Pete Lee was there it's always a hang over there a lot of New Yorkers a lot of New Yorkers and yeah had a great time and then I'm gonna pass the torch I want to hear this story all right I got something and we got well we got away I can squeeze it in here we got about ten minutes so I went too long no no it's great I mean this is a weird episode I'm all off time wise we flew today I'm on East Coast time we're in the West Coast

we arrived today we're in Vegas the hotel's brown yeah it's a weird hotel and I'm coughing and wheezing over here I got a big bump in my throat I got the cobblestones in my ass yeah alright so this was Wednesday night now one week ago tonight okay a fortnight Sarah and I had a spot the underground she had a spot at New York comedy club she finished your set she came comes over meet me at the village underground I say let's take a cab home I'm like I after 10 p.m. I cab home that's my policy that's pretty early I feel like 11 is the when the trains get kooky yeah maybe 11 seller yeah just to bet you're just ready

to get home I hear you I like to be home I like we go to bed at two I like two hours if possible to watch TV to unwind on why watch a little movie whatever decompress I like to I like to sit decompress and watch so I say we're taking a cab we jump in a cab now you might remember recently we took a calf in the village underground and there was a guy had a panic attack on the bridge oh great story you remember that one hot tail so now here comes tail number two of a cab driver on the Queensboro Bridge all right we hop in the cab just regular cab a little petite he looked whitish to me but sounded foreign like a

maybe Eastern European Sarasen he was like Middle Eastern which if you go far enough Eastern Europe you're in the Middle East really turkeys kind of bull so I don't know he was in that region all right good region but looked you know whitish I don't know what is at this I guess it doesn't matter painting a picture here but we get in the cab and all's normal I say hey we're going to this address in Queens great we're driving now we start hitting traffic getting ready to go on the bridge we're caught on we're on 59th Street going east towards 59th Street Bridge to cross the East River yes and then the second

Avenue traffic is coming down now second Avenue is going south they're taking a left onto the bridge we're going straight across 59th to the bridge now as we're going across it's packed crazy traffic everyone's honking everyone hates each other it's a bottleneck yes it's bottlenecking and this car took a left through the red light like the light had changed so we had the green light but he kind of went through the red nothing too egregious though I see that a lot nothing where I was like what the fuck yeah our cab driver loses his mind loses his shit it's I'm sure it's built up from being a cab driver for 50 years

whatever the whole situation he wrinkles up some track he rolls down his windows that's yelling you motherfucker you fucking motherfucker you fuck me and it's a it's a black guy large black guy in the other car black Jeep type of car and then our guy grabs some trash the passion sheet wrinkles it up and just whips it at the guy's car well there's trash in his car trash car hits the hood slides across the hood throws another piece of trash you scream in two pieces and I go what the fuck is going on here yeah that was like it wasn't anything insane it was just kind of like he went in front of us so he gets in

front of us and now we're driving and right away I'm like well this isn't over right you can't just whip trash at a guy now that's not gonna work out so then we're driving now the bridges that what's causing the traffic as the bridge goes from two lanes to one so we're kind of bottlenecking in kind of going car for car he's directly in front of us and we're going like two miles an hour so like stop go stop go he gets out of his car so now you're like Sarah's like telling story like hold on this guy's getting out of his car boy he pops the trunk like it's a hatchback it opens it's made by Jeep I don't know what kind of

car is someone's gonna write like a Jeep doesn't whatever the fuck it is I got a video I'll put on the Patriot oh now we're talking yeah so he put what the blackout the license plate I got the plate number and everything situation so he opens the hatchback opens yeah and he pulls out a golf club whoa classic now you might be thinking what guy golfing in New York Tiger Woods it's not a golf bag it's a golf club he's got a golf singular club he grabs that looks back at us just looks at the fucking cab driver shuts his thing and then gets back in the car whoa as to say hey I'm ready for your yeah so we're like well this is a

thing we got a thing happening now and the guy the cab driver is now kind of shitting his pants yes for which I'm scared but I'm also like I kind of love it you can't just throw shit at people well this is the beauty of being in a cab is you have nothing to do with this yes I can beat the fuck out of the driver and you can sit back you haven't you got no dog in the fight but there's still part of you that's like what if he just gets carried away and beats us so we're gonna watch you gotta get beaten to that right now it's nothing yeah just got out of his car grabbed a golf club got back in his car so now we're in one

lane we're starting to go we're going was it a wood or an iron hard to tell it was late at night all right so it was hard to tell not a putter I would say a wood probably those woods that head is no joke big head well head well but so we're driving then it opens back up to two lanes he's behind us and I'm kind of looking behind us because I'm like well this is gonna be a situation but I'm afraid if I keep looking he's gonna be like what are you looking right now you're involved so now he you're in he pulls up to the right of us on the right side of us he rolls down his window he starts shouting and the cab driver rolls

down the passenger he starts shouting back I go what are you doing then he makes us go ahead he just waits in that lane until we go ahead he's just stopping people laying on their horn but we have to go in front because you got to keep moving now he's on our tail so now the cab driver he starts shitting his pants for real now he starts looking he's just looking at his phone he's looking up he's scrolling through his phone he's looking up I can see him like kind of shaking yeah which again I kind of like because it's like you can't you need repercussions here yeah why would you think you're gonna get away with this so he keeps driving and then

he just misses the turn because we're going to my house I go hey you gotta turn left he's like oh oh I'm sorry I can go this way um I'm gonna call uh this man is he's following us uh so I'm like yeah yeah he's following for sure no now we're missing turns so we're going like kooky direction the guy is just like quietly behind us wow and now it's starting to get creepy spooky it's late at night it's fucking pitch black and it's just we're the only two cars in the road it's just those two lights it's like a fucking Spielberg duel yes Stephen King yeah so I keep looking back and I'm like there's no question about it this guy's not weaving in out of streets in a story for no reason but no honking no nothing no honking that's even scarier no honking

just a quiet he's got his golf club and he's on our tail wow and the fucking cab driver shitting his pants so he goes I'm gonna call 911 so I go I'm looking over the through the window at his phone he's just like scrolling and I go well call 911 call the number yeah he's like yes yes I'm sorry I'm going to I'm going to call I mean he's shitting his pants just like the last guy had a panic attack wow it's almost like we've been here before but now I get nervous I'm like I don't want to just jump out of the car because what was the guy you know who knows has the meter turned off no mirrors on the whole time which I didn't think of till after till he turned it off but we'll get to it all right I'm jumping in so then we stopped to it we're now on 31st street

underneath the train we get to a red light and this guy pulls up oh first he called 911 finally finally so he gets 911 called and it's on the throughout the whole car you know and the lady is like it's pure New York she's like a latino woman she's like 911 emergency and he's like yes yes yes I'm at Broadway there's a lady this guy chasing me she's like well what what hold on what is happening she's like where are you what what happened and the guy's like he's chasing me and he's got a thick accent he's nervous so he's just oh no no no no then as we're on the phone with 911 I was like ma'am I was like I'll take over because I'm not nervous wow you jump in I jump in so I go well ma'am there's a man there's a man he's threatened our driver he's got a he's got a golf

club as I'm saying this the guy pulls up next to us he's in the wrong lane one lane road he's on the other side of traffic this is like death proof rolls down his window and he's like hey fuck you motherfucker you fucking faggot you fucking faggot and he's like I thought maybe I thought it was like oh maybe he's like a foreign guy too this is just like a regular New York black guy yeah and which somehow is scarier because like these cab drivers all hate each other oh yeah fuck you I'll report you right this is just a fucking regular guy oh so he calls him a fucking faggot and he goes I'm gonna fucking breast break your head open he's like you throw fucking trash at my car motherfucker wow he's like just keep driving when you stop I'm gonna get out of my car and I'm gonna

fucking break your fucking head open jeez we're on the phone 911 the guy's like fuck you I call 911 I call 911 and the lady's like what is happening what is this she's not even like nice there's no like bedside manner or anything so I started going like there's a man uh in a car threatening uh he has a golf club she's like is anyone hurt is anyone been hit I was like no one's been hurt he's following us now he drops back behind us we start driving again well that's what I kept saying I kept going go yeah we have a green light I'm like drive sir drive we're just sitting there had a green light while this guy's yeah I'm gonna break your fucking head open I was like leave the scene so weird the guy's been following and he's even more angry now oh he seems like he would lose

the little steam after the following well you gotta think it's like this guy rolled down the window was like fuck you motherfucker and threw shit in his car so he's like I'm just gonna beat you up I guess I kind of love we are like what are you crazy like I'm gonna come I'm gonna fucking break your head open I was like for the guy I get it I got him not against the guy I'm just saying it's weird that he's still so angry yeah well he's gonna be angry until he gets to like have it out you know I guess so but I also like felt for the cab because he's older he's probably 60 and he's like shit in his pants so he's like you don't want to see him get their ass kicked and it's also it makes you feel bad when someone's terrified yes I'm late all the time I'm terrified now I got

shit in my mouth right so then we go and I was like I thought I'm like we could just drive to the fucking police station I know where the police station is which is something that's not a bad move but then I'm like I also want to go home sure so I tell the lady because he doesn't know where the fuck he is he's like oh we're at the 31st Street uh Broadway and I was like no no no I was like I just took over I was like we are on 31st Street and Broadway heading north I was like our destination is my street I was like told her my intersection yeah and she's like all right I'm gonna send a police car to where you are now and I was like no no don't send it here we're we're continuing we're moving again he's still following us and now we're circling my block we've driven past my

apartment whoa but this point I'm like I don't want to stop and get out I don't want him to stop I don't want to get killed I don't know what's gonna happen right right so I'm like just keep circling sir I'm like I'm running the whole situation I'm like you keep circling the area ma'am I was like tell him to come to 34th Avenue and 30th Street don't come to my house please yeah so give me your address so I'm like all right so now we're circling and he's following us he's just circling the neighborhood with us look at that and she's like okay I'm gonna send the police and I'm like yes please we're all fine the man has threatened us I have it on tape oh you film I got the video of him threatening oh I can't wait to see this puppy yeah and

and getting the golf club out so I'm like I got it on video he has a golf club he's threatening us and so then we finally do like a third loop around my block and I think the guy must have seen the police lights because he just kind of took off he took a right well we took a left we finally stopped following then the police they sent three SUVs with like three cops eat like oh wow not between eight and ten cops showed up they must have heard the guy yelling no no because we were on the phone 911 for a while I know but that seems like a excessive amount of I think it was just late at night quits a story as a nice neighborhood I think there's got a ton of cops in New York and they were just like there's nothing going on in the story like everyone

go down here here's the thing you got to think like 911 it's hard to articulate you don't know what the situation is you're like we're being threatened and followed so they could have guns at one point Sarah on the bridge was ducking because she's like I don't know if the guy has a fucking gun people are crazy crazy shit happens in the New York City of America sure I could pull out a fucking oozy and blow us all away you never know so I laugh because like she starts ducking I'm like well at least tell me to duck too you want to watch me get my head blown up yeah right so then all the cops show up the guy finally left we stop in the corner we get out we start walking home then all this one all the police showed up so we kind of walk back over so I said to the cop

you know I'm like I'm calm the guys like a blue blue blue blue blue blue and the cops all of their like video cameras they're like all right cameras off this isn't a situation turn your cameras off body body cam yeah so I was like hey listen we were the the fair and by the way the thing was $44 like 25 I didn't even think of it till he turned up the meter I just paid it the cops are like you got to call 311 get the receipt he's like you shouldn't fucking pay this so I walked over and I was like hey just to let you know this guy's a fucking nitwit yeah they're like what I was like he wrinkled up trash through trash in a car and they're like oh Jesus Christ what an idiot and I'm like yeah yeah I'm like the guy did threaten us and he got a golf club

and they're like what do you look I'm like a big black guy at the time I wasn't thinking that I had the video I forgot that I had a video and I did have his license plate also yes but I was like no I don't have any license plate I don't I mean the guy left it's like you don't want to get him in trouble yeah yeah exactly I'm like for all I know the guy has a fucking bag of weed and he gets put through a fucking windshield or something exactly but I was like yeah I don't know but yeah this guy's fucking moron he threw trash at a guy but I was like yeah yeah he threatened us and we talked to the cops which is fun the cops were kind of like cool because they don't give a shit right right we're still recording right yeah that's a cushed night for them yeah yeah well that's

what Greg Stone's dad is a cop he said he's like anytime you've ever killed the cops that was the best call that guy got all day yeah it's usually like oh my sister passed out I locked my keys my car my cats in the tree yeah like all right whatever but anyway so that was the tail though then as we're talking to the cops fucking Alex Pavone comes walking down he lives next door to me oh is that right what are you guys doing I'm like I would tell the story to the cops and got to tell the whole story but it was pretty wild oh great yeah it was fun all's well that ends well but well it was fun because I was rude I didn't want our guy to get killed but you're like fuck you you fucking animal you can't just whip shit at people no that's consequences but part of

me wonders is this guy in the Jeep just tucked under a tree somewhere and then when old cabbie weirdo pops out does he just crank him with a fire tire iron well it was a little scary like there was a moment after it all ended this way anxiety or panic works fight or flight everything it's after it all ends because in the moment you're just thinking you're in survival I'm like all right let me talk to the 911 let me tell her this person wants to do I'll duck if this happens if that happened then when it all in that's when it all kind of like slowly rushes in you start getting like those shakes of that was kind of crazy that's crazy but like I said like nothing happened it's whatever but like in the moment you're like this guy could shoot this the cabbie could have

a gun sure you know I mean he could call this guy could call his buddies he could be in a gang who the fuck knows what's what you know and crazy shit happens like that in New York so that was the tale that's why I have a theory these cabbies they live in the car they basically like they're like car people so they just live in that ball you know when you're in road rage like you fucking ass whole piece of shit come yeah fucking Nazi dick but then do you forget there's a world out there yeah you know and I think they live in that they always say fuck you they're so quick to fuck you fuck you you're like you can't just say fuck you to people well that's I always talk about this with comics I've said it a million times on this podcast every pocket comics sometimes handle

hecklers in a way that I'm like are you nuts right like you fuck you your cunt wife your wife's a fat cunt but I'm like well are you prepared to fight that guy like after the show he could bottle you he could have a gun yes that like you better be ready to fuck it if you're gonna throw trash at random cars in New York City you better fucking have some taekwondo lessons yeah at least a golf club handy yeah so uh that was that and uh we gotta wrap up we went over time also we have to be at the show in 20 minutes oh geez haven't showered or jerked off all right folks well hey that's another great cabbie tail hey that'd been cool that guy was driving a caddy because he kept the club in it oh yeah yeah it might have been I don't know what car it was but

maybe I'll put it on the patreon please I want to see it too yeah I'll block out my address and license plate and stick it on the patreon that's a great idea she'll bow get on it but I got the threat I mean he's like I kind of there was something so satisfying about like I'm gonna fucking break your head open you shit at my car when you get out when you stop I'm gonna fucking break your head open and I was like yeah stupid do you have any of that I would never think to hurt someone I would hurt the car or throw garbage but I'm an eye for an eye guy yeah yeah well I mean I mean who knows the guy didn't do anything eventually anyways but yeah just making him shit his pants we must have been so sad because I mean he was shitting his pants

and I imagine he will not be throwing garbage at people's cars anymore so sometimes you need a little street justice little justice all right we gotta I gotta go shower oh this weekend Sunnyvale Rooster Teeth Feathers and Sunnyvale and April 2nd you motherfuckers we haven't sold any tickets in Houston I got all these people right after you all right I got all these people email me tweeting all the time come to Houston when you come to Houston I know it's a Tuesday the name of the place is secret group which is a terrible name for a comedy club I'm grateful to be working there but it doesn't sound like anything I did it was it was so it'll sell out I think but it sounds you can't Google when you see in writing I'm coming to Houston secret group people don't

think oh that's a venue right it should be secret group comedy club yeah I don't want to criticize I've never been like I heard the guys a great guy he's friends with Sarah I'm excited to go I just feel like people are like what I've had three different people write to me what the hell is secret group right it just sounds like not a thing yeah something I'm in a sketch team yeah a little bit but listen you're hearing it here it's a comedy venue it's super cool it's the hot new venue it's the alt venue it's hip everyone's done it great great room I was just talking Andrew Schultz loved it Sarah loves it you love it I can't wait to do it it's Tuesday April 2nd get your tickets for God's sakes please come and then that weekend Cap City April 3rd to the 6th and the woo ha ha

Worcester woo April 11 12 13 come on the Friday we only have one show I'd love to sell out the Friday oh yeah bonus come Friday night I got a bunch of people coming that night so come to the Friday night in Worcester but I'll be there all weekend nice I just want to plug Madison Wisconsin album recording please come out I'm also doing a college in Ohio I think I'm doing Ohio State is that a college that's a big college yeah I think I'm doing Ohio State so if you live in Ohio just coming to the show even if you're not a student and we'll maybe we'll try to touch some children and Madison Wisconsin Comedy Club on State album recording come on out let's sell that out with real fans not a bachelorette and then I got a bunch of I'm at my Goobies again I'm at Tacoma a lot of fun

stuff Mark Norman comedy dot com get on the patreon you want to see this golf club black guy that'll be fun and uh yeah come out and see us live we love the Uber we love the Chipotle and Praise Allah and write us in tell us how you feel and kiss your uncle and blow your dad yeah thank you goodbye um