Tuesdays with Stories! - #293 Jewish Lightning

Episode Date: April 17, 2019

We're back together again Tuesgays after a week away as Joe gets gang signs flashed at him in Boston before witnessing a death at the hands of Ari Shaffir and Mark records his album in Madison, WI! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Check out Greg and Anthony's podcast 'The Rad DudeCast' We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey case sex fuck your mother suck your dad's dick and fucking eat out your aunt we are back good to be back it's been 17 years and I had my period I lost a hymen and I had birth I got my ears pierced oh they look good thank you

that was a clip on no no no that's a clip on clip on tie was something that was big for children for some reason that was really embarrassing I don't quite understand why now that you bring it up because you weren't a man because you can't fucking tie a tie no it just like I guess it's like not be able to grow facial hair you know and also when you had a clip on your friend you just go pop it right off of you I met a bartender Richie the bartender at chops lounge where I started and he said he always he bartended in LA back in like the 60s you know when it was devil made care it was Sunset Boulevard yeah it was rape city

the Roxy rainbow room the Clippers are wearing rape city jerseys as a throwback oh well should have given one to Kobe oh hey wrong team same city counts rape I was going more rape centric yeah that makes sense which is a horrible town Oregon so he used to wear a clip on tie all the time in case someone tried to grab them because like in those days people would grab you go get over here you son of a bitch and they would just rip the tie right off oh I like that and to this day or to that day when he was telling me the story this guy's gonna be long dead now that's where we're clip on dick he would always reach

reach when he shook hands you'd have his left hand on the the bar holding him so you couldn't pull him over then he was like they kind of got to do the thing well I'm like 19 I have pimples and three teeth and he's like try to pull me pull me like you're gonna pull me over and he's like see you can't move me and I'm like well I'm 112 pounds 19 years old I mean like probably pro athlete yeah LeBron James could rape you you know what's hot is when you're with a lady at like a wedding or something she pulls you by your tie you know she oh I've seen it in the movies but I'm not that kind of guy I don't know those ladies I've had a

couple time pulls in my day and it's a treat well I'll say what I do I like this move I've done with my old my wife yet you stick the fingers in the pant by the belt and pull it close wait her waist pole she does it I do it to her she's got a pant on she wears a lot of pants I'm thinking at a wedding no not a wedding all right it's just weird you're your gal's got a book you know dungaroos I'm talking in the living room you're chatting and then we're playing the time of my life and I stick my fingers in there like a you know like I'm checking her diaper just pull her in right I like a diaper check a belt grab pull yes you

know what else is hot is when you got gals on her knees and she's ripping that belt apart and it's just clinging and clanging and flopping then you hear that zipper undo your belt my belt oh I think in her I thought you was getting on her knees to take her belt off because we were on her belt all right switch it to your belt I'm saying she's on her knees and she just ripping that belt open like it's a Christmas gift right yeah again I don't think I have the similar sex life as you well send your tapes yeah please do but there's no there's no knees I would feel I feel too much guilt I feel a lot of guilt with oral sex I do too

actually like my birthday I hope she doesn't mind me divulging she was like all right how about a birthday BJ and I was like I feel bad let's just bang yeah I feel terrible yeah I'm lucky in the sense that my broad she likes to she likes to do it a little bit mm-hmm and I feel guilty as well but she's blowing me and then I'll notice it'll get her quote unquote wet really yeah which is like the dream situation now how are you noticing where can you how long your arms well she blows me because I'm like ready to put it in I get all keyed up but I'm shaking and jiving and so I go hey let me put it in you she goes well I'm not

ready yet and then so she starts blowing me for two minutes and then I flip her over and she's like a fresh morning dew mmm that's nice yeah Mountain Dew I'll tell you something and this is gonna sound like a lot of lesser men wouldn't admit this or wouldn't even dabble but I got myself some CVS lube oh yeah and I got a purple bottle a red bottle and something pink with with dust on it or something you got the full 2d fruity I got a real rainbow over there yeah and maybe it's cuz my wife is 78 years old now but this lube is a game changer you squeeze a half a gallon of that it's slick I'm slipping around and it slips in

and out and that finger goes right in my ass well and I just I'm loving it cuz it's like you know you don't even have I mean it's nice to do a little belt grab and a tie tuck or whatever you call it but it's nice to just go let's fuck and just already have it soup to nuts there oh I love soup yeah it's the best it's amazing how we got by without it that's how that's how lubricated a young lady is right well that's the thing if you're fucking a girl who's you know 22 or 11 I mean that's already slippery down oh it's full of fudge and and pudding well fudge might be a different maybe that's a whole yeah yeah

but um either way but once you start getting that also I gotta take some of the the blame here uh-huh I'm no I'm a one-trick pony I did my trick nine years ago I got a buck tooth and a weird asshole and some some pimples so the pussy's not just looking at old goofy glasses and get wet I gotta really do sign the jokes I don't have anything to offer anymore like the one thing I have is I'm like a comic sure maybe a Ted Baker jacket oh there you go but it's what's that you said good height good hair hygiene I thought you were gonna say about hygiene yeah well except for the thrush or the thrush is gone that's

got nothing to do with hygiene I'm brushing like there's no tomorrow that's a good point you're a flosser you don't get the credit when you teeth are yellow from coke and green tea and crooked you don't get the credit for the hygiene good awesome and listerine I got a nice clean mouth but it just looks a little graveyard II it's a shame you got a great engine and the inside of the car is clean but you got a couple dents yeah I've been in some accidents somebody hit my front tooth and dented that thing in and I can't pop it out right yeah you can buff that out and this is the line for a car that's not bad oh you just

slowly pull it out right that's the nice thing about a car if you get a dent they put that suction cup on and they put like two feet on either side and they just boom right pop it up at a tooth it's gonna gradually like I you can't just tie my tooth to a horse and have it run down the street and straighten it well the car doesn't have feelings or nerve endings excellent point for Herbie mmm this is some other ones too what's a what's night right off yeah was night right of the car was he night right who wrote a night yeah well the road together or was it like night I'm a white night it was night but like it was a pun because

I think he rode at night but he was a night it was not with a K yes the car was kicked aha so he's the night rider I guess a kid rider yeah he should be a kid rider while you don't be a kid rider no no you want them to fuck you yeah that's Jared Fogle now who was what was the premise of that show cuz I remember watching as a kid the lights and he was sexy and the car was dumb but what was the premise was he a cop or I believe he's fighting crime I mean what else would you do with that except you'd be a hell of a pizza delivery guy I guess but was he a superhero or was he a regular hero regular guy with a kooky wacky souped up

kit car and you know here's a fun little piece of that here's a nugget for the kids at home this is where you really realize what a nerd I am the car was voiced by none other than mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World oh interesting give it a good and mr. Robinson huh mr. Robinson here's to you yes he plays mr. Robinson mr. Feeney and mr. Robinson right I think you should sew some wild oats oh wow that's him and he's also the mayor in Jaws yeah I had a good career he's mr. Feeney he's kid I didn't even know he was kid but he's he's in graduate yeah Jaws Darth Vader or what it was not Darth Vader what's it

called Knight Rider yeah and and mr. Belvedere what the fuck's the one called you just boy meets world it's world even for the greatest pieces of film of all time sure yeah yeah one was TV but I'll take it yeah it's still they filmed it that's true it's on tape and and mr. mr. boy meets world my god to panga oh look we started on the older brother either to bang her to bang yeah was that it's something like that to panga can he ban you but didn't you said you and all the kids say to bang her yeah I love those there's a place in Atlanta hot lander hot land outside of Atlanta called Decatur Atlanta or Decatur Georgia all

right and it's full of lesbians so they call it dick hater oh I love it is thing like that doing this now what do you eat a jazz kid hey have you seen us yet no I enjoyed it very much I heard it was shit who did you know Chris Allen Chris Allen and a lot of other people okay and he's a black so people like to really throw out the shit thing I do it myself I don't try getting you the king of it but I try to say this with things that are universally appealing such as the wire or sopranos I like to say not for me I don't say it shit I've heard shit well on air I might not say it though to you I'm saying it I see I just I

don't get it not for me don't like it I don't get it right all right well I heard it was not great I enjoyed it okay I liked it I still want to see it yeah see it I hate horror though it's not really a whore it's like a thriller all right I like the song yeah I like a whore whore I like whore oh speaking of whore I'm off to Amsterdam oh you and me both fatty yeah when do you go where right the day I get back from Europe you leave for Europe right wow they're gonna get a full two week Tuesday yeah come on out Tuesday well I think the show's are probably sold out I think the Bert ones are yeah I think mine are too

all right well that's exciting you're getting a real cum blowed full of Americana how about that Cathedral fire yeah I was a devastating really sad I got sad that's 1100 years old that's older than my dad that is old and they said the roof they scientists or architects still couldn't figure out how they built it wow like it was one of those pre-computer obviously pre architectural certain figure out things and they hadn't figured out how they got that done it was inspiring ah yeah yes and firing all right look at that but yeah I had a joke on Instagram and it's getting a lot of hate oh people get very

sensitive about things what was the joke well the whole point of the joke is a look the fire is a bummer it's devastating but it does restore my faith and atheism it's a church on fire God can't help right where are you God why isn't it raining yeah raining immediately yeah this is like one of your houses is one of the oldest houses of yours and you get you give no handout what a cunt maybe it's a little Jewish lightning maybe he's collecting on it oh Jewish lightning horrible race car I think they call a lot of race cars lightning Jews bad athletes okay I went for it all right all right no it's I get

some there's a lot of moving parts there yeah I took a jump that's not bad yeah it was great should we try to tell the story I mean I mean I haven't seen you since Vegas that's catching up oh for sure we addressed we've had a lot of muck ups oh let's address the muck a lot of foul ups yeah yeah muck me in the anal well really only one foul up and the rest was just gookie we had a sleepy episode we were all fucked up in Vegas yeah I was off I was hung over I was watching basketball although people really took to the play-by-play boy the play-by-gay was a hit I might have to do some more play-by-play color calm yes

color come you've had that haven't you had some pink come blue color what blue Jesus had a blue chew and then I had a red come red brother looking tan back is Tana color yeah I'll take that it is right yeah yeah it's weird that there's the colors that are also things orange salmon that's a color brown brown I guess Cleveland people sure shits yep well brown brown doesn't probably belong in the gloop group gloop boy that was a real yellow move of mine hey we talked about this I had this discovery has this been talked about speaking to the LR replacement thing Asians I was I was talking about this on stage in Sunnyvale

and I realized that the director of broke back Mountain and other films Ang Lee yes how are you would say angry in an Asian accent I'm angry I like it is that fun is that something when people do that a lot with him do they poke fun of him they say boy what are you getting Ang Lee yeah of course that's gold that's something but he slams his clipboard down you go all right easy Ang Lee it's pretty angry it's pretty good no angry Ang Lee yeah I like it well you're going Ang Lee Ang Lee I'm angry I'm angry I'm angry and I'm angry it's a little who's on first yes not bad who's on filst it's feels like something but maybe but I

was wondering is that hacky has that been done did everyone do that it's not hacky but it might get a little pushback well I'm not saying I'm not gonna do it a bit I'm just saying is that something that's been done a lot and I didn't realize yeah I don't think it's I've never heard it okay Ang Lee he must have got that at some point yeah I picture people ducking behind him and pushing over you ever do that trick on all fours you push the kid and then you tape your ears back now is he Asian enough to have that accent though or is he pretty Americanized you know I don't know if I've ever heard him talk I don't think

maybe he doesn't talk he's self-conscious about his dialect I don't know I imagine he's pretty American but he's got a I think he's Asian American I don't know actually the movie is great yeah it's a good movie but he's got a couple stinkers he had a movie called paycheck with Ben Affleck that was a real diarrhea fest yeah I think he did another one recently that I didn't dig it's interesting how that's kind of Scorsese as well you know probably the best director of all time in my anal and he's had a couple flops flop yeah a couple that aren't great yeah like what are you thinking about over there he had the the what was

it the birth of Christ a last temptation of Christ yeah something though it's something but yeah spiciness to it and then departed is kind of shaky but the part it's like great but not nearly as good as people people think it is great there's like right some some subject matter is not great like condon or kunda I don't care about that kid I don't care about that bring out the dead is not great I forgot about that one after hours I like that's how I love I love after hours that movie is amazing fun to see Soho in the in the early 80s I know that Mike they they're hanging out right outside that open Mike five Crosby

remember that one with the phone oh yeah ten minutes people try to fill the time was very annoying yeah and he goes to that bar it's like an old good old boy yeah it's in the bar up on like spring Street oh I love that movie I love one of my all-time favorite movie posters but anyways so we put the episodes out and the wrong order last week we missed and I stand by Greg I haven't listen to the episode have you listened to it I have not never podcast I didn't listen to it but for those of you fucking cock sucking cunts I hope your mother gets sick yeah not bad it's like a cold you know a couple of people were angry yeah they

were angry about it and maybe a little sore says he yeah she's like Spielberg yeah anyways you cannot listen to it just don't listen to it we should have given you a fair warning I guess or something I though I tweeted out a warning but and then we're late a day late on this one but we're not a buck short no just a day late we got over a buck and it'll be a fun one and then the next one's gonna be a peach and then we got so much fun shit in the in the horizon coming up that you're gonna you're gonna want to get on board cuz this is things about catapult we got some big things happening I'm going to

Europe you're going to Europe we're doing some big shows coming up oh yeah it's all very exciting so we're sorry about the reverse order episode we're sorry that we missed a week you're welcome that you got Greg and Anthony though they're both fucking hilarious funny guys and sorry we're a day late and we're just sorry to be alive really I feel terrible all the time yeah yeah and look we're trying here folks we're trying to make it work we're both on the road we're both busy we're we're lucky our careers are cooking the way they are and big things to come and you're gonna be glad you were it on the ground

anal because there's gonna be a lot of new gays showing up I have a feeling yes in the next couple of months yes so I'll say a lot of gays are gonna be experiencing this oh yeah this shit anyways gays are no they're familiar with swimming through shit now I haven't seen you since desert yes and last I saw of you we were we were taken off me and Mike Becky owned and Sarah Ptolema and Ari Shafir we were departing during the show I don't know how the last show went now that's Jewish lightning oh it went great all right every show was great thanks to all the gays that came out in Vegas oh so many gays some chipotle some

ubers good time tonic days and great time in Vegas so then Sunday night we do the lashes a seven and a nine we do the seven o'clock show then the nine o'clock show Ari me Becky owned and Sarah are heading to Zion National Park about two and a half hour drive so we had to leave during the show leaving you and Vita behind that did you guys hook up or what we hooked up we went everywhere he was a bottom we went all over Vegas we got in and out in Vegas we went to the Jimmy Kimmel comedy club we walked around to the strip yeah we hooked we did it up who was at the Kimmel Club it wasn't open yet oh where it was what it looked like it's

boy it's right in there it's in the heart he's gonna do just fine but go to the cellar it's better where where about is it it's it's hard to explain but there's like a big mall in the middle of the strip and it's in that mall but there's like a big courtyard and it's got the in and out it's got all the cool spots some night clubs and it's you know where the Ferris wheel is yeah it's right next to that Chicago yes England Seattle a lot of wheels New York needs a ferris wheel how do we have a ferris wheel yeah we got we got Coney Island this one that's true that's not really anything yeah we got Tim ferris who's he was the yoga guy

meditation yeah guru how self-help cunt does he live here I believe he does okay yep but you can't get on and ride them unless you buy him a drink yeah yeah he'll spin you right round baby Ferris Bueller hmm say Ferris that was a band for a while I remember that that was a good title good name yeah Bueller all right wrote for Nixon Ben Stein not yeah yeah not Ferris Bueller uh-huh but anyways oh so we went first of all we had to go to a laundry I talked about the laundry situation like two weeks ago we were trying to drop off our laundry and there's some real get-toes out there in the ghetto so we had to drive back to this

laundromat that was the first move and it was pretty fucking dicey over there was what 1030 in the 8 p.m. yeah well we left after the night so it's like 1030 ish went to get our laundry that was a spicy meatball it was one of those ones where you're like all right everyone's walk single file hold hands and no one make eye contact here by the way speaking of which fast forward to yesterday I'm dry left the Red Sox game is always traffic I got my friend Jocelyn who's a young beautiful woman and then my dad and Uncle Dale and we're dry we had to cut through Matapan which we call murder pan I've heard that yeah

it's a gotta it's a real slice of life out there it's a real tough neighborhood you know and we're driving through we're for whites wearing our Red Sox hat and our gear I got I got a you know a bag from the team store and we were at a red light in this young fellow tan brown and guy yeah he gave us the gang signs get out of here yeah I could recreate I don't want to show it looked almost like the the blood when you can spell blood with yes a little bit different what was he spelling Lou no it was just a sign okay yeah it was a blue shoe sign Virgo but he gave it right at us dead eye contact with me and it

we had served as a warning whoa if it was later at night maybe wasn't your crowded I had a couple of my boys here it felt like the Van Buren's wow it gave me a shiver right up the spot I never experienced that before he was letting you know yeah because I think there was like one of these he can tell like hey this Red Sox cutting through through our neighborhood to get home fucking that's for the birds that's enough go sit in traffic on 93 you fucking douche honky wow pretty scary did you give it wouldn't be great if you gave it back to him he'd be like day wow if I give him like a rock paper sit like the bird

shadow you know but it was pretty terrifying me while you know my old man and my uncle Dale there they got some they're having some beers and whatnot so they're Lucy goosey oh they didn't yell on the epitaph no they're not those kind of guys my family doesn't have we're not that kind of people in a way why not give it right back well tell you why not well would be dead it's a good point but no they're not those kind of guys but they're drinking so they're going woo it's great what a night yeah fucking socks and I'm just so narrow like everyone just shut up I feel like a dad right they're older than me my dad's the car

like everyone be quiet fucking just stare ahead yeah because it's a road game I mean we're going we're on Astro turf out there well you're there you're the BB either DD does it in a driver yeah he's the BBC I meant to say afro turf by the way but we're we're out there but yeah they're all they're drunk and I'm like everyone be cool and it's traffic to a Michael Dale you know he used to drive ambulances in the neighborhood he knows the neighborhood well he would respond to all the shooting so he's in there he might know the blood bringing out the dead yeah so he kept saying he's like don't pull up to the bumper the next car

in case we got to get out of here oh wow luckily it's like three in the afternoon but yeah it's a good move to know you don't want to get pinned in there sure but a gang sign at you eye contact is quite a frightening moment oh I can believe it man one time I was on the street car with my old man in the the Nola desire now it was a regular okay and we were just trotting down it was probably you know 11 at night it was in New Orleans and we were in a rough rough area and this kid spit on my dad oh yeah you know it was a total like racial thing like black kid dad's a white guy in his tie clip on and I was like oh gee

you know I was like eight what the hell I do this kid's like 18 or 19 I was like oh my god I was I was frozen at my dad just give him a big fat bird in the face wow and I was like dad no so scared wow this guy would have cleaned my dad's clock and that was it with the it just ended but I was like Jesus I was like how'd you know he was like he was a kid I knew I could I could out scare him I was like this is a this is like a real street guy my dad right but kids have guns too you never know he had a book bag on so my dad felt alright but you never know yeah you could have a ship yeah a gun in the bag classic that's more of a white

move I think gun in the bag the gun in the backpack the black backwards hat you know I'm thinking of clay bold and Harris or whatever their names are I don't know what that means is that a law firm but yeah so alright so you're in mad at murder pan by the way dish oh that was that whole story basically that was just a quick cut to I want to do the Vegas no joke it was nerve-wracking for sure I didn't like it plus I'm gonna be back deal with reflex I'm gay and then like they're drunk I'm tired I'm wet because it was raining but and we look like goofs too like I got a

freshly bought Red Sox hat I'm like my dad's got his fucking Milton hospital hat was just like a couple of nerds a couple of Kenny Loggins fans yeah big time he likes Messina but I like logins I had another fucking cut to there I can't remember you at the laundry we picked up our laundry nothing really happened there I realized but did I ruin the cut to no we cut to we were finished the cut to but I had another cut to but I forget what the cut to was based hmm can't remember three yeah all right well no more cuts we'll edit that out haircuts supercuts was it something about haircuts

that doesn't make sense but anyways we get in the car we got the big old van we rented a huge car because we thought Liz was gonna be with us but she bet we had this huge vehicle big SUV it's Vecchio and the I'm the back Ari's driving Vecchio and shotgun Sarah and I are making out in the back she's finger me little necking lube and we're driving it's a beautiful job but we're missing out on a lot of the scenery because Ari wanted to get there at night because he's like let's just get that we can wake up and be there I see so I'm like okay I got you so we're driving and I look at this but I you have this moment where

you want to say something you decide not to I'm sitting behind him there's no one on the road we're driving out to Zion I look at the speedometer we're doing 92 miles an hour that's pretty high that is high which is a big vehicle but you're out there yes he was mmm Vecchio is low yeah and Sarah's medium yeah well it's gonna hurt no I was just trying to get all three I know I'm kidding she's not gonna hear this she's a welterweight they're not gonna catch us around a mission from God anyways so I was gonna say I'm gonna go you know we don't hurry I don't think we need to go 92 I go down say anything you're a backseat

driver literally you don't have to control of everything just shut your mouth loser very good little therapy in your head there yeah but that's going on continuously for like 10 straight minutes okay back and forth and I'm calling myself a piece of shit but then finally without question I mean without you as expected whatever we fly by a trooper and then Ari goes oh shit and I was like I should have said something and then it's one of those ones he starts pulling out and you're like now we're getting busted and he's about to get a ticket and then you stay he waits a while so you're like maybe not maybe not

like no we're getting it and then sure enough lights up and you're like we just left we're trying to make good time and you lose an hour because we're driving back to mountain time so we're already getting there at three the cop stops and you know it's one of these things where they wait they're out there a half hour they're gonna run the plate and they see it's a rental then Ari's a fucking felon I know there's weed the whole thing and you know Vecchio owns like you know getting ready to fight the guy right well we're trying to keep it loose but you also don't you don't know the driver's thing is he anxious is he gay so

who knows we're just trying to be silly cop comes up on Vecchio's side gets the license the registration the whole thing he leaves for a while again comes back and he goes I'm giving you a break I'm not gonna put it on your record to take points off or whatever but you gotta pay the ticket he's like just pay it right away you can squash it or you can fly back and fight the ticket he's I don't think you want to do that that's not bad not bad he's like make sure you pay it so I'm doing the max I remember hearing before it's like 10 miles over the speed limit is like a couple hundred bucks and then like they get you for every mile an

hour over that so I'm like this is gonna be a fucking pricey ticket sure cuz it was what a 65 miler 75 75 so he hands the ticket he goes okay good night see you later he drives away I take the ticket I unravel it it's nice like a CVS receipt no three dollars off oatmeal nine feet long take a crack at what this ticket was I always blow this yeah don't go too high cuz it'll ruin the story alright I'm gonna say 150 perfect guess 375 375 now Ari is paying for the house out of the goodness of his heart he's like I'm going to this house you guys can come or not I'm paying for it don't worry wait this is an Airbnb in

Zion Airbnb in the park the only Airbnb in the whole park grandfathered in look at that so he's spending a pretty penny we just went to Vegas we fucking gambled the whole time the whole thing 375 bucks but nothing and it was night it was 91 in a 75 I was like I was gonna say something I did and I'm such an asshole it's my fault so funny did you now here's the other question do you now that you didn't say something do you say that you almost said something I did and I realize that's probably a bad thing yeah I could have said something I think I did was wrong yeah so then Ari's back you know a big hippy fag he wants to pull

over look at the stars and I'm like we just stopped for 45 minutes we're gonna get there at 330 I want to get up yeah look at the stars while you're getting pulled over that I felt bad I did another dick move this is about just a bad person we get out now back you know and he's from Ohio and now he's a focused guy oh yeah studies and he wrestled and he's like you know he writes every day discipline drinks coffee at two in the morning whatever he does ex wrestler he's a he's a laugh right one of the best comics and a loyal friend killer comic and great character on that guy oh he's hilarious he's great he's the kind

of guy he's a real good guy he's kind of guy if I was dying a cancer I could turn him like take care of my wife yeah I mean yes like if I say that to you you're gonna try to rape her you know but he's exactly he's the kind of guy he'd go alright I'll beat her up whatever great way to put it beat someone up you give your kid to yeah I'm gonna get a kid before it gets a I wouldn't give my kid to Sam and have 20 minutes on the kid to be bouncing bits of using him as a notebook no no yeah you don't want Sam to have the kid the kid would go ahead and run away yeah so I mean handling can you imagine him with a kid my god I'd have a

decent attire yeah his stance is too wide though that kid would run under his legs all right Mackie to who knows what that that's like a sitcom in itself hey son anyways love all those guys I trust all those guys my life too of course but anyways so Becky on gets out this is the real I'm a bad bad man we get out look at the stars and Mike's like I've never seen stars like this this is amazing unbelievable and I was like what I didn't see that I was like I can still see the lights from there I was like where do we I didn't say about like where do we get to Ziya this is like garbage as a shit star like this still

like the lights of the city around here the headlights are on we're on the highway yeah I go to Maine every year it's because I'm a cunt but I also just surprised because Mike's 68 years old sure I figured he's see he's been the desert of the woods at some point I thought he grew up in the forest I thought so too yeah what's he doing so it's a little surprise I was like really I was like I and we Ari and I argue he's like you got to let him enjoy it first and I was like I think I gave it a few beats and I was nice about it I was like I'm surprised by that and I said we're gonna see better all right I wasn't like

what are you a piece of shit you never seen the stars you loser yeah I mean I think you got to let him enjoy it too but yeah I agree with both of you I let him enjoy I gave him an enjoy and I was like what way do you see these other stars is Ari is are you guys fighting in front of Vecchione not fighting but later on we had a you know just an Ari Joe fight we're like I don't think so I think I don't know I don't think it was that bad I was that bad one of those you know okay yeah let the kid have his pie I mean I had him have some pie but I got wiped the crust off his mouth a little bit all right well there's better crust

coming up but it made me yes I got some crust in my balls but I just couldn't believe it because again he's I mean realistically he's 59 so I was like I'm surprised you never seen some stars you're gonna shit your pants yeah so of course we get to the finally we get to the thing oh we don't get the thing a lot of adventures on this ride two and a half hours we're driving now we're in the mountains but it's pitch black so you can only see the lights the headlights no street lights I'm wearing the mountains out here we drove through Arizona for a minute that was all we had to check the map we weren't expecting to

get to Arizona you see that welcome to Arizona what do we go the wrong way is this a dumb and dumber moment exactly so we're driving and all of a sudden you know every once in a while you'll see deer eyes just sprint off then you see like a cat run by then all of a sudden we start getting close to the house we see a couple rabbits oh just show you about that's cute then we got the head the high beams on we got a rabbit runs across the car across the car across like in front of it uh-huh then he takes an ill-advised U-turn back this direction in front of the car he had cleared it and then came back and then

Ari just goes this one's about to die and as he said it we all watched we all looked bright eyes big bushy tailed rabbit just went boom and you just heard you could hear the bones crack and I mean it was like dead hit the tires were just a little bit wider than the rabbit it fully nailed it and it sent a shock wave through me I felt death for the first time so more so than even my grandfather dying because it was one of those ones you get a call grandpa did I watched a creature felt it heard it wow die you're like a Native American it was weird man it felt like a weird part of my salt like my childhood ended in that moment you

could hear the crunch and the bones and all of us were affected we were all like oh whoa huh and it was like this weird moment we're like what the we talked about it the whole trip wow by the way the way he said this one's gonna die I think he could have done more I think he might have wanted to kill that I think he wanted to kill it too I think he's got a little that in him well he played it off like oh my god I feel terrible but I think he heard us three react yes and realized oh I don't want them to think I'm Satan so he kind of called an audible well he's got already got a little that I'm gonna kill the class pet in him I think

I believe so so he's a good egg but he's got some of that holocaust blood he's his dad's a survivor is that right yes wow so that makes already 91 no his dad was a like 12 his dad's old as shit he's like Becky own old yeah I'm kidding by the way Becky on is like in his late 30s yeah he's a funny guy um no he's the best anyways but Ari I think is 51 yeah his dad is old as shit but he's a survivor he's alive he's like a ghost and give speeches and shit holy hell believe it yeah yeah he's real deal crazy his father in the holocaust I say crazy I heard a crazy waskily rabbit Patrick crazy I meant crazy we know

Ang Lee but yeah that's all well he missed it by a hair no no he hit it he's all the hairs but I think he's Ari the rabbit killer if you ask me oh yeah he's Elmer Fudd but it was a real moment of like it was like the scene in Kill Bill volume 2 where he talks about the girl experiencing depth the fish is flopping and then it's not yes that's what it felt like it was like a live creature we watched it in real time HD Bill Maher and just I couldn't stop thinking about it I'm still in my dreams we've killed an animal yeah yeah ahead of life and now the life is taken yeah it's funny because when I was a kid it bugs me uh-huh there it is not bad we were we were driving in my friend's car my friend's dad was like a real asshole

and he saw a cat in the road and he didn't swear he just hit the cat and it fucked me up and I was like oh my god we just hit a cat he didn't care at all my friend didn't care at all but it fucked me up the way it fucked you up yes and I whipped around to look out the back and I saw the cat like just jizzing and flopping and then it ran into it ran away oh nine lives so yeah so I was like oh my god the cat made it and they were like yeah the cat's a fake and I was like all right whatever but seeing the cat run away helped me where as you had just flat out 100% death literally flat out yes flatter than a fucking ass cheek of a grandpa cut it out all right folks well hey this episode of course as you know is brought to you by this is a weird date on it we're doing adam and

eve baby we love adam and eve yes we do they're way better you know what I'm nostalgic for some good old-fashioned humping I'm talking please thank you bam anal consensual consent very important I like a good ball fondle some titty squeezing this is their copy hey boy but we all gotta get laid we all gotta get pounded we all gotta get boned everything they need to spice up your sex life is at adamand eve.com the number one adult toy superstore yep and now you there listener get a very special offer now we were talking about blowing an anal and banging earlier this is right up your vagina for a limited time only to go go to adamand eve.com and you'll get 50% off just about any item but just because they love you baby adam and eve are gonna give you free stuff hey yes that's good

the magic word is Tuesdays plural enter a checkout for 10 free gifts that's a lot of free gifts more than Hanukkah yes well these ain't no heaps you'll get something for you something for the gal and a third toy everyone can enjoy all right these guys are like dr. Seuss of fucking but papa ain't done with you yet you can't walk away without six spicy movies on the house plus eve she's thrown in everything free shipping yes love that eve and adam it's adam and steve get it with Tuesdays at adamand eve.com folks go to this website just go do it live your life enjoy it get some french ticklers some daddy straps some titty twisters and rams for your rod magic wands are in there too by the way i've done some shopping on adam

and eve i love toys and lube and i love it yes adam and eve is a great place to get it use the promo code Tuesdays that's Tuesdays plural and spice up your sex life tell them mark and joe say oh don't tell them just use the promo code Tuesdays yeah enjoy that banging yeah now let me tell you something i got the reflex is still an issue people don't want to hear about it so my throat is kind of going on me it's hurting oh i've been talking for the last nine minutes i'll get more to zion you tell me some some tidbits because i haven't seen i want to hear boy so much has gone down in the normand atmosphere universe thank you no problem and by the way this isn't just a show here i i really want to hear what you've been up to yeah i haven't seen six fortnight so uh here

here it comes there fatty well i did record a comedy album so that's exciting yeah i went out this will be my third hour of stand-up comedy i went to back to my old haunt the comedy club on state in madis wisconsin everybody goes madis wisconsin what the hell's out there i'll tell you what's out there one of the best comedy clubs in the whole us of a this place is mom and pop run well great town great place great people anna and eve yes not to be mistaken with adam and eve anna and eve these two greek chicks they run this place like it's a goddamn diner in the 40s it's crystal clear spick and span everything it's sold out every show first i've ever sold out every show of my life but they sell out on their own that i don't have to qualify don't qualify they sell

out they do very well i know they sell it but you don't you don't qualify well i've so i've gone there before we didn't sell every show so that's something exactly stop qualifying all right no qual and uh but they put that big sign up album recording you know that feels cool and you got the hotel right across the street now this is a big deal you want to get this puppy in the can do you want it to be polished and perfect so i get my old pal shawn murph you're a murph dog i'm gonna shawn murph you had a buffalo big buffalo accent mark that's what he calls me he's got a horrible accent so i feel like uh you know i like chrissal i like uh this guy i like that gal but i feel like shawn murph you'll be good because he's a squirrely weirdo and he's uh he's good but you

know chrissal's good but he's like he's a he's a thing you know i want it to be almost uh just good but not a thing okay is this coming off insulting at all uh not insulting but hurtful possible ah shit but he's got thick thick black skin yeah maybe that was what i was getting that so i get shawn murphy he's gonna open up two-man show he does this thing he kills and then bring me up here's the clinker it's the day of the flight so i'm getting my ass over to madison i'm jumping on a flight i'm like here we go going to do my album i'm looking over my notes i'm listening to sets i'm preparing i got a text at like nine in the morning hey man long text hey it's shawn i got crazy uh flu something or ever oh hit me last night i thought i could sleep it off

i'm not gonna make i'm like are you serious like what is this timing this is insane like you this is like a great gig for you you're coming in two-man show getting into a good club i'm wrecking you it's an album recording you don't want to miss this weekend we've been planning it for months and he's like yeah i'm aware i i i'm pissed too this sucks and you know so you gotta put your shit aside and go hey i'm sorry you feel that way it's like i've been puking all night and i was like man i can't believe this like get better get well shit i hate myself god love you praise Allah so now i'm scrambling so i call the club like hey my guy's not coming which looks bad they're like oh this guy that you asked for is now not coming but if you're sick you're sick if you're sick

you're sick but just the day of was such a kick in the cunt yeah it happens it happens shit happens so uh it does too yeah so i go out there and now they go don't worry we got you set up because these guys are pros these ladies they got good comics out there chicano's only a couple hours away exactly but who we didn't even have time for that so they get these two local guys both very funny guy one guy had short hair one guy was half middle eastern half hispanic god damn it fuck my asshole i can't think of the names sweet kids there's a couple guys i know out there that i like very much i see every time and every time it's one of those what's his name again yeah they have great jokes and they're tuesdays and they're very kind and uh i'll be damned to find other names

and they were good we i wouldn't have we got into the hot tub one day and like lived it up we had some beers in the hot tub we hung out we got lunch god i suck i'm a piece of garbage well we meet a lot of people you're qualifying again that's not even qualifying you're just being that right mean i'm a king of qual so both Montreal so okay so all i can think is like all right we got these two guys let's just get a good album in the can we're gonna knock it out top to bottom go in sell down first show thursday night college night yes not what you're not ideal so we go in it's a bunch of kids they pay five bucks and these kids today i hate to sound like old man dick face but they're a little squeamish they're a little sensitive they're a little entitled i go in i do okay i got

a lot of black i got a lot of port-a-rique a lot of jew a lot of lady a lot of weirdo a lot of anal they're not into it it does i do have a good set that was at a funny bone i would go this is the best funny bone on the planet but i know what wisconsin can be i know that magic that comedy club on state can be the madison magic yes good team so thursday yeah okay i meet the 800 pound gorilla guy he's got eight cameras going he's got 13 mics so these uh 800s are killer there they know what they're doing i've heard that they're really you wonder why everybody uses them these guys are top notch so thursday was a wash sat friday comes around good set not magic saturday a friday late show comes around great set not magic no magic you want that magic you know that chiquillo kneel

ampany hardaway yeah you well you remember when we opened for louis at the dar yes ten years ago and he was shooting his netflix special and every show was solid but he was like i'm not feeling it yes and then he wrote on that paper on the last show he wrote this is the one or yeah this is it this is it i kept that paper oh really did i tell you that i took a photo you took the paper i took the paper i also took his panties i gave him a couple gifts and i've never seen i've been to the house to never seen him i did that i framed a photo him at the garden and framed it a card the whole thing and uh i've been all over that house i've snooped and snapped and nothing maybe i took those two i think they're in the garbage yeah all right well i took that paper but either way uh if ever he

got on the last one so i kept telling myself i remember i remember i remember having a louis remember what happened to louis not that thing yeah so uh it's like the alamo yeah so uh don't forget so i go that's 9 11 sorry yeah never forget also a tragedy and the holocaust i think they both never forget is that right i think so i gotta get some new branding on that so uh you know i go out friday night i'm drinking with the 800 bound gorilla guy anthony i'm drinking with the other guys finally sean murphy goes i feel better i said well fly your fat ass out here and he goes it's an eight million dollar ticket i said do it so he flies out now we got the murph eight million dollar gorilla yes we got the murph there saturday rolls around

hottest crowd on the the he murders madison magic the magic is here we got it baby so i go all right i get all nervous i do everything in my head i go you suck you're gonna bomb the magic is here and you're gonna blow it you suck you're worthless your parents say yeah you're kind of gay you're not even that funny and i go ah shut up i put a carrot up my ass and i go up on stage and i have the scent of my life i'm killing half hour just annihilating and there's these two yappy dames third row back right side and i'm just just pushing them out pushing them out they keep talking they keep yelling no no you you're not right about that one oh you're way off buddy and i just keep ignoring i'm ignoring okay good for you and i just go god damn but you can't think

straight your timing is off because you want to pause but you're scared if i pause they're gonna chime in with their horseshit yes it fucks you up yeah so i can't i'm on my toes in a bad way i'm like i'm jidgety jidgety jidgety i like jittery and fidgety yes i'm jidgety so i'm like god damn these ladies so eventually i go well you shut the fuck and i just snap and the whole time you're just thinking album album album but i go fuck the album i go will you shut the fuck up what is wrong with you they're going fuck you now we're going at it and then here's the coolest thing eve of anine eve the owners of this place is two greek ladies a and e a and e they come in arts and entertainment one of them comes in and they're both beautiful women yes gorgeous ladies and she's she's the

older sister i think and she comes in and she gets down and squash she's in a mini skirt like a tight thing eve and she she squats down high heels and she goes a few ladies don't shut the fuck up and i was so turned on oh i mean it's three i can see it beautifully she's on her fucking one knee one heel shut the fuck up or i'm gonna throw your ass out of here myself you fucking bad i'm like oh my god i'm like i got a boater mid bit it's everything you want in a lady and the dad at once it's like an interesting thing and the outfit the heels she's already hot all right and so i go god damn that was hot and uh the ladies go okay okay sorry jeez louise uh and she's like you know we're taping on recordings an album you fucking idiots whatever

it was super hot and then she goes out and leaves and she's just standing in the back staring at it with her arms crossed so yes thank you god i love these ladies that is the best club the best club they care they take it personally and that's why it's the best so these gals go right back into it as they always do five minutes go by they go right back in it same old shit they're hammered so eventually she goes up she goes you're out you're out and she's like yelling at these like a fucking umpire get the fuck out of here and the ladies won't budge she ran them i smell a bonus truck can i just say that oh sorry okay no i'm saying that could be a bonus track for the album oh her kicking them out oh yeah good point well she's very quiet too during this so i'm still doing

my act but i got one eye on her but the gorilla mic they could crank up that mic maybe or something maybe maybe maybe i'm maybe i'm too too ambitious yeah a little jane goodall mic on the right or something but either way she is going at it and the ladies go we're not leaving and she's like get get your fucking ass up and march and they're like no what are you gonna do because you can't touch them you can't touch these people it's illegal like mc hammer yes so nothing so they're just going back and forth like fighting and she's standing there and now everybody's looking at them it's a whole thing so eventually she's like all right whatever and i'm wrapping up now and i'm just kind of trying to power through finally the show ends it's a good set i missed a couple steps

because of these skanks but whatever we i i get off stage these ladies i'm doing the handshaking the shucking and jiving uh meet and greet thank you sincere was there love sincere love sincere these funny funny guy good guy cool girlfriend we took some photos a lot of photos a lot of tuesdays love you for it's i've got we drove from a walk and we drove to chicago we drove from this that great stuff you get some cookies i did yeah those cookies were amazing very good cookies cookies so i'm i'm and i'm super hammered by this point i feel like i got the album in the can even though i have still have one more show so i'm in a good spot and these ladies come barreling out as like five of them they're all dressed up they're all like milfy kind of rich blonde ladies

and they're shithouse and they start fighting with the staff like like fuck you fuck they're in each other's faces like get the fuck out of you don't know how to run a bed this comic club well get the fuck don't ever come back we're gonna leave a horrible review they're going at it they start it's like a tumbleweed where they're all going up the stairs yelling at each other they go out of the thing on the sidewalk the cops have to show up oh my god they all get tickets tickets to the next show they got they got misdemeanor or a drunken public or a cunt mom or whatever the ticket was wow so that was somewhat justice they actually got in trouble that'd be a good stripper name misdemeanor oh i like it i like it how about this for a trans or like a drag

queen misunderstood oh something there maybe yeah all right so yeah so that was the first show and i'm like jesus christ you go up to the green best green room in the country by the way hands down at madison and it just like holy shit that was crazy we ordered some food it's one of those uh clubs has the booklet of men love that booklet that booklet is fucking lunch it's book there's a piano there's a guitar there's a booklet there's video games there's a massage chair there's an exercise bike there's a record player big screen uh happy ending you name it so uh posters of mediocre comics it's really great oh yeah good times snacks beer coffee jizz so next show now i've never been more loosey goosey we had we i feel like i got the can we had the magic madison the cunts got tickets

berft is in town i just had the menu booklet everything's just jelling jelling okay majelin everything is uh firing on all angels here so cylinder hot show hot crowd i feel like we got it the guy took it put it on video too the video looks great wow with that put it on youtube whatever that is and uh yeah just to feel like we got it and i got hammered that night shit faced uh on whiskey had a great night mirf had a good time we uh we had we did it up uh ana and eve hung out in the green we parted in the green while he said fuck the bar they'll go what bar should we go to fuck the bar we got a good crew here love it the manager was there the staff was there ana and eve were there a couple we find a couple audience members up it was amazing

and uh yeah probably got home at five six in the morning had like a nine a.m flight hung over but here's the thing give me a clinker this is the clink we got to start wrapping this thing up i know but boy this so i got so much more we got a next week you're gonna jizz in your own taco jeez i know that's next week's story i got a little taste of that man it tastes like cum yes i love cum so okay i'm gonna give a little little reach around here so basically off of the backs of this album i'm flying to los angeles california from madis who is constant at nine a.m i'm hung over i'm on an hour of sleep i'm gay do you love breaking up that la flight in a couple weeks i'm break i'm going to minneapolis first the minneapolis l.a so nice

bringing it up breaking it up oh break it up yeah i love so nice is that cross country's like cock dick oh it's penises in my butt the kind i don't like right big ones so i go to la and never goes away going to la here's why i'm going to la folks i'm pitching a tv show i've pitched like 28 shows in my life no nobody cares none have ever sold it's all a waste of time it's all a bunch of meetings where they give you a free bottle of water and they go so we're big fans of yours and you go oh how you doing they go yeah we love you joe mackey you go all right blow me and then you leave and uh you never hear from him again but you flew out there you put yourself up you try to get on some shows you bought you rented a car you ubered you bought lunch it's a fucking

shit can waste of time so i go all right i'm going out to la to pitch another show but here's the here's the jew this time i pitched the show to a network or a production company sorry and they bought it yes so that's the first step now i'm having i'm being championed by an actual production company that's big so they fly you out they put you up they rent you a car because they want you to be fresh as a daisy for your pitches and this isn't peter the pump can eat a production oh this is a real company folks this is uh yeah this is the real deal la show biz yeah these people are making like epics yes and i don't mean that bullshit tv channel i'm talking big time business well easy i'm pitching to them so that i love epics yes although they could use a big main

show starring my buddy mark they could use a tv show so now i get to the airport i don't even think twice by this i go oh yeah this this product i'm not gonna say their name this production company's paying for a nice little uh little flight here i get there i print my ticket out i'm a ticket printer as you know and oh how do you like that one a first class ticket to los angeles on united now if you do they're done united but they always say the real first class is when you enter a plane and go left oh not when you go right and this one you get in you went i went left baby that's a big big airplane big left so big liberal here so i go all the way up to that front plane at front seat four hours and i have no sleep you fart yes bad gleef uh i have no sleep so i go

well you know in my head i'm like i'll sleep on the flight but now that i'm in first class i get a meal i get a movie i get a cocktail i get a hand job so i go fucking up stay it up for the whole four yeah you don't want to sleep away that first class no so i get the meal the meal's delightful i i always do this one on first class and i hate it they go well we got the lasagna and we got the roast beef sandwich which one do you want i go can i have both and i go yeah it's first class wow so i get both i get the dessert i get the whole thing uh finally we land in LA they pick you up in a car i mean this is a whole new world they bring me to the hotel hotel ambrose on Santa Monica look it up i get their beautiful hotel i can't stress enough this hotel is bananas this is one of those hotels you

walk up in the doors go oh they open wow like an ace ventura type of deal yes yes all righty then and uh there's bowls of fruit and they're like hey you get a free breakfast they paid for your breakfast they paid for your parking they paid for your whatever and all this i'm like oh my god so uh we'll leave it there oh what a tease so yeah i'm in the hotel i'm on the first class we're going to go do some pitches it's like you got on your knees undid my belt and put on some lipstick i can't wait for next week yes i got my hair in a tie and i'm wearing a breathe right oh my goodness gracious now where you're gonna be there fat man well speaking of hair ties and uh blowjobs next week folks big way i haven't plugged this enough i feel like out on the island long

island i know you're all out there we got a lot of fans out there i'm at the brokerage in belmore now that room can rock if you got fans what a venue yeah if you fill it so april 26 27 next weekend brokerage on long island belmore new york get your tickets go early go get them now i think it's govs.com it's the governor's website yeah go to the brokerage belmore i'll put it on my insta story please go get the tickets today i'd like to see a nice little boost there yes good room the sales then comics roadhouse they changed the name a little bit comics roadhouse mohegan son oh yeah may 16 17 18 all your new england fans come on out oh before that may 12th the belly room at the comedy store let's sell that out it's a small room i'm going out to la to do

some business sarah's doing some business i can't wait for that trip sunday may 12th belly room i'll be the sarah maybe i'll get old henry phillips uh john again uh comedy store belly room gonna be a great show it sells out early so get tickets early for that one that's gonna be not just saying that it's small it will sell out a little taste of new york city and la la land i love that city i love that club uh then comics roadhouse mohegan son sarah's with me may 16 17 18 syracuse funny bone the weekend after that may 24 25 26 and i'm doing a one night in seattle in may i think the club is still open i don't know what's going on there oh boy but uh check those dates out comedian joe list dot com tell them more mark all right i got a lot of fun stuff cooking this weekend i'm in

tempi arizona one of the best clubs tempi improv with my old fat pal chris ale and uh then after that i hate to say it america but i'm off to the u up uh europe that's uh england copenhagen the eu thank you that's what i meant eu brexit you know what it is copenhagen antwerp amsterdam uh london glasgow a lot of fun stuff so if you're out there say hello and go to berth's website for shit because i don't know what the hell we're doing we're getting one of those sprinter vans just gonna island hop uh then going to columbus for the sonic temple fest that should be interesting opening for dice oh yeah that's exciting that'll be weird and comedy at the carlson rochester new york bananas and hasbrook heights new jersey all you new jersey

come guzzlers get on out there dc draft house one of my favorite cities i love that room it's a nice little laugh box with olshawn joys good times helium and buffalo love a helium love a buff then a lot of fun stuff sacramento going back to denver helium in indianapolis the new one there if you're in the india area comedy works denver in september and punchline sacramento addison improv in dalis uh side splitters again magubis in baltimore and uh doing some spokane and tecoma comedy club a lot of fun stuff a lot of dates mark norman comedy dot com good to have you back sorry about all the scruffles very sorry there's flip flops and the skadoos we're back we're back next week and the week after that god bless america praise i'll uh blow your dad and uh don't get angly have a good night