Tuesdays with Stories! - #294 Ba-Gawkamole

Episode Date: April 23, 2019

The guys are back hot off of Mark's big tease as Joe gets robbed by a crime syndicate, and a drug mishap threatens to derail Mark's big L.A. trip! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays Check out Greg and Anthony's podcast 'The Rad DudeCast' We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me ah holy hell we're back and it's only been six days because we were late on the previous week that's right so you're welcome sorry six days and 11 minutes

since we recorded oh is it been 11 probably longer I took a big shit yeah I can smell it taste it and feel it let me tell you I I've changed the diet because of the silent reflux I'm eating nothing but broccoli spinach chicken I cut out all the shit I'm taking shits the size of my fucking aunt's foot so are they green and brown and mulchy all green I'm taking huge green they got toes and toenails and I got an ass did I send you this the snake one no please keep me on the mailing list for the shit I send a lot of shit let me see if I can find it because this thing was a real I mean it was classically funny I painted a little

snake on it here it is what oh that's great it's a snake with a quite a dick on it yeah it's a cutie that's a little sidecar it's like a baby but I say that's the healthy shit the S shape it's long as fuck it goes back another three inches and it looks like it's got an extra leg on the back there yeah it would I shit two little nuggets yeah and this long it's literally folks it's not even all on camera that is a lot I mean it looks like maybe the length of a big umbrella yeah it's an umbrella dump yeah I painted some little eyes and a cute little tongue on it I said it a bunch of people are I miss you I didn't send it to you

I guess I'm off the dump list well I never thought of you as I want to see the dump guy I love it I just want to be thought of even if you're sending me a swastika I'll take it well I'm texting you other stuff I'm texting you thoughts I'm texting these losers dump all right I'll take a thought I'll take a shit whatever you got all right I'll send you I say this photo to this guy in time out in New York I don't know who this fellow is yeah I don't know what's going on that's off pod we've reached an age to where we there's people popping up in magazines and periodicals are you familiar with what a periodical is

exactly I think it's a newspaper wait I think I just thought of it it's it's a coal that comes out periodically a coal the sack call the sack all right yeah what's a periodic look the periodical well they come out randomly periodically yes like so does it have to be reading material could it be anything because like a podcast could be periodical is that a periodical I think I think the CAL of it makes it readable that's the call that's what I said that's what I'm saying yeah because you agree because you made something I was an asshole not an asshole but an idiot all right an

idiot yeah you're an asshole for the shit well yeah I asked permission on that one well I'm just saying it comes out of your asshole uh coal all right well yeah so what the hell happened what wait where were we talking about periodical I'm just asking if you know what a periodical I know it's some sort of a delivery letter mailing reading system wait now I don't remember what's have I got to spark my memory what the hell are we talking about we went from shit snake to periodical oh oh I think oh the periodicals was comedians I don't know I know what it is with these young comedians that

no one knows I think these periodicals they need what about a comical like a comma but it sounds like comical that could be something could be that's not women get a period oh yeah every hopefully that's periodically yes periodical interesting yeah now we're getting somewhere a woman writes a blog monthly about her period that's a period periodical yes a periodical period what could be a periodical we'll put a bow on it but here we go so these kids and this I think these these magazines and then newspapers and whatnot they need a little variety diversity so they got a

start scraping the pot and they go well this kid's you know we met him at a gay bar last night put him in I just had an idea for a porn magazine which are out of business yeah they are the print is dead you're ready for this it's it's black and white and it's got articles it's called the nudes paper has that been done I don't think I've heard that seems like something a nudes paper I like it a nudes paper hey fetch me the nudes paper and then you can yell it to your neighbor without the wives knowing because it sounds like new they think you just have a speech impediment like he's a dummy doesn't mow the lawn he says

things weird yeah I'm into it all right well we got a lot of stuff to work on periodicals and newspapers and fucking each other in the eyes semicolon the colon you got a you got a you know a shitty inside you got a semi colon oh if you have to remove yeah colon can't you have a little um you got a semi his direct me maybe you got when I was a kid I put a like a hot wheels car my ass so if you put a semi like a truck yes a semi colon that's pretty good wheel that's a lot of wheels in your ass wheel and dealing all right all right we're doing to where would pun fun I'm having a great time I love it's great to see I really

missed you I mean actually missed you yeah I missed you as well I even stat didn't feel sincere well actually we're saying it look at this guy Matiyahu he looks like Josh Adam Myers this guy slipping by that looks a little bit like Jam they're both the gray hair Jews hmm a lot of Myers the Jew actually I imagine he is Myers I think Myers is Irish well M E Y E RS is not oh boy well think call in if you know they're here a Meyer mix all right we better crank it up here now I got a sore throat so I'm gonna give you a little bit and then you take over and really run because you had to quite a tease last I get behind the

wheel I got a big cargo to haul off here now that was a that was an all-time tea we've never teased like that in six and a half years of doing this baby yeah and I'm exactly I was teased to I don't know the story either all right the sequel to tease well dot your eyes will cross your teeth we'll do well let me tell you because a lot of people in asking about this and I appreciate the fans concern for my well-being and my wife's well-being and I'm skipping all over because I was in Zion last week I didn't finish the Zion I'm skipping Boston so far I don't have Austin I went to Houston we haven't recorded in the

in a dog's age sure a nice tale so let me get right to the stuff that people have been asking about the most I did Zion I've never been more happy with planning when you plan something out and it works out doesn't that feel great nothing better so I had a whole thing where I went to here's the whole trip I'll break it all down we did Vegas Wednesday through Sunday we're there for opening week of March madness the whole thing you guys know about it then Ari set up Zion which I'll get more into later because it was really incredible that's a very Jewish sense Ari set up Zion yes Zionists so we went there Monday

Tuesday Wednesday I had off Thursday I'm in Sunnyvale so I looked at the map and I said why don't I'll drive you Ari and Becky owned back to Vegas drop you off the airport we'll get a car of our own Sarin I will drive to Bakersfield California from bed will stay there the night we have a night off then we'll drive from Bakersfield to Sunnyvale okay do the week in Sunnyvale where is that those two Baker to Sun well Zion to Vegas is three hours Vegas to Bakersfield is four hours that was a seven and a half hours of driving there that's a haul then Bakersfield to Sunnyvale about four and a half oh so you got to break

that puppy up so we broke it up did Sunnyvale flew to Houston for two nights one night to hang with the family one night to do secret group end up being a hit 104 people showed up thank you Andrew Youngblood thank you all the two I mean a lot of Tuesdays at that one that was something I made a nice little chunk on a Tuesday young blood's a good cat great cat he's a cat good egg young blood so then we borrowed Sarah's mother's car drove to Austin did the full week in Austin drove back to Houston watched Jenny Lewis and Houston flew home to New York how about that and it all worked out yes look good routing except for

one hiccup a snafu here comes the snappoon so we drive back you own and our back and it's first thing that we go to a morning hike then we drive through the mountains Arizona Utah and Nevada I mean it is spectac what a country and I will say this I hate a lot of the politics I hate a lot of the politicians I hate a lot of the people and I hate a lot of the policies all right but we got the most beautiful country on earth you think so I think so and I think I might even argue it's not even close well you haven't seen them all I haven't seen but I've seen photos and I know about read about it yeah now Argentina's got

Patagonia and your sister's ass and all that shit yeah the the don't forget the Amazon yeah they got the rainforest and as beautiful as the rainforest is that you can you walk around I mean it's very it's why you're gonna get eaten by a monkey or something in there with a snake and a antelope and a crocodile but we got think about this let's just go right to us we got great film it was all right I heard we got New England think about New England main the main coast the rocky coast in and out the inlets we get the variety I see we that's what we got you cut me off oh sorry sorry help me out here throw some out there I'm with the

art man great coastline the most coastline the foliage western mass Berkshire is Vermont the maple syrup the lake Champlain look at New York the Hudson Valley on Island the fucking what do you call it way out the end there riverhead what's that bullshit the Hamptons are unbelievable beautiful I'm born the Northeast fly over the Pacific Northwest the green 300 foot trees Sequoia fucking bullshit rainier mountains Mount Rainier forget I mean Alaska forget a lot I mean that's the best is crazy gets up there the wilds and mountains and snow Hollywood Hawaii are you fucking me

volcanoes popping out of nowhere Southern California the most place on earth lush West Texas hill country Florida sucks Key West is amazing though even the great plains are fucking beautiful yeah coconut grove is nothing to sneeze at all that's amazing the Everglades and then we're not even getting in to fucking New Orleans is beautiful the actual cities themselves Charleston South Carolina the Great Lakes are fucking I literally can't believe it oh yeah the Rocky Mountains the mountains the Ozarks Grand Canyon the Badlands Badlands of Wyoming big-sky country then you got South Dakota is beautiful talking what

about the arches in Utah we haven't even talked about Utah is like you can't believe it the Red Rocks yes Northern California County and nothing like it from the ocean white with foam yeah and the ski up there you know the beautiful with Washington DC West Virginia almost heaven fucking hey here we are I mean how can you even compete even Ohio has that one nice spot yeah yeah maybe Dayton is nice and northern Kentucky the bluegrass or whatever else sure yeah we got it all we got apple orchards and orange groves and avocado farms and grape but the vineyards in California alone I forget it oh and

then I'll tell you what the most beautiful part was so we drove down there by the way the smugly parts of the country too real hiccups or the people but some stains but then you drive we drove the most beautiful part of our whole drive we drove all through Utah and Arizona those mountains those red rocks are spectacular the most beautiful part was about 40 minutes outside of Sunnyvale the Silicon Valley we drove to these rolling hills it was all screensavers bright bright green rolling hills and those trees I don't know what kind of tree it's like a black tree that's like a haunted with it it's

all jerry you know what I mean gang member acting it out it looks real it's all black and spreads different directions it's a haunted tree you know what if I if you saw all right I believe it's a real haunting tree they're everywhere yeah urban and that whole central California was spectacular sure oh what's another place by Tennessee Nashville now now the Knoxville the Adirondack oh that's in New York is it you're thinking the Appalachian sorry the Appalachian goes from Atlanta all the way up to Maine and the Adirondack New York state itself the Finger Lakes the Hudson Valley the Adirondacks Niagara Falls

oh watch the n-word you can ski over there too they forget you can ski in New York they can't I mean you can't even come close to America I guess you got something I got something all right Cape Cod I mean I forget I mean obviously I'm partially in New England but sure I like a new thing land yes a gland vocal gland yeah your glands are you gonna watch though they're gonna flame me swollen flamey glands fire island yes province town about glands oh so what else you got so the ride we drive to the beautiful ride the Red Rocks the thing we get to Bakersfield have a nice me actually a shit meal Big Bear diner was

a piece of garbage in Bakersfield bad bear but cool town Bakersfield is like Texas there's oil derricks and rolling hills it's kind of nice I'm not into it so then we drive from Bakersfield the next day is baseball opening day should be a national holiday we drive from Bakersfield up to Sunnyvale we leave early cuz I'm like let's get up whenever you're doing a gig you always want to get up there what is that the A's what's over there you said baseball what's opening day I'll cross America okay I did go to the A's game in Oakland all right which is my 21st stadium I got nine more to go

ballpark there's only 29 ballpark 30 that's it 30 teams a lot of teams I guess six divisions of Alaska's not gonna have a team no but anyways all right so I drive up there beautiful right huh sorry you said no I'm saying Juno oh okay Anchorage Fairbanks the other one Evan Ellen Page I think that's all of them Anchorage Fairbanks and Juno other than that it's that's it I think yeah that's probably some others that no one gives a fuck about palin and Eskimos and Christopher yeah I always say Alaska is the home school of states hmm is there anybody who's from Alaska you mean like this guy's love I think I've only met one

person from Alaska hmm Haley Doyle Haley Boyle she's Alaskan she's Alaskan she's a she's you know sturdy king crab yes queen crab yeah crab it makes it sound wonderful lady very funny funny gal yes she is I really hit a dead end here sorry well it's what Alaska does well can I drive to Sunnyvale can I drive to Sunnyvale I'm sorry please it's a lot of hurt your jerky yeah I love jerky well you're being a jerky jerk chicken what is that exactly I just had it today actually well that doesn't help me oh yeah good point it's Jamaican they kind of like Caribbean it's good it's like almost like a barbecue tangy it's great so

was the jerk is that a verb or an adjective it's a sauce haha so both a noun that's the one it's a noun I wasn't sure if they jerked the chicken off and then it came on itself and then cooked it because I do that quite a bit yeah yeah well jerking a chicken gets you some good eggs all right so you're jerking off a chicken at Sunnyvale is this something but gaca moly I can't tell what's what anymore a little punchy what is that guacamole that's that chicken come oh chicken he comes and what do you have guacamole yeah I think that could catch on hashtag but guacamole well sell some

t-shirts but get back to the veil I mean I'm trying to get over the Vicki Vale all right no what they'll not unveil Sunnyvale I'm sorry I think in Vale Colorado no we covered that all right I think the guacamole might be something that catches on with the people with a good chicken drawing it could work all right you're poo-pooing I'm poo-pooing all over that chicken head all right so we drive to Sunnyvale red baseball opening day so I got the baseball games on I'm like I gotta fly home to watch the Red Sox opener a big sports fan oh yeah baseball on the radio we're driving I'm talking it's 72 degrees we got the

windows down we got radio on and we're really it's Sarah's got sunglasses on and the tank top she looks great we're in the rental car we're screaming up there and the plan is all coming together yes so I feel great so I'm like if we get there in time the game is on ESP we'll be able to watch the game we'll get delivery then as we get closer we're rolling into San Jose area and I go you know what I'm starving I'm on this diet I'm trying to eat healthy I go look up cheesecake factory now I love the cheesecake because they got healthy options believe it or not yes so I'm like let's go to the cheesecake she's like there's one

eight minutes ahead of us on this route whoa right off the sex and I'm like it never works out that way ever usually it says 48 miles three ding-dongs in a kilometer yeah well you got to appreciate it when it works out so she's like it's two exits up eight minutes we get off we're in San Jose Valley Fair Mall which is like a high-end beautiful mall and I go fucked up I missed the first two innings of the season it's a long season I got to eat some food I'm dying I can feel myself sucking against my spine oh yeah just answer we pull in we go in there we eat and a nice meal it feels good I get some salmon and a mashed

potato and asparagus and a side salad I feel great look lately next to us how about this she ordered a piece of cheesecake before her lunch whoa that she ordered the four cheese pasta my regular order she's a rule breaker really very strange she was a good-looking gal young like 19 years old it felt like her parents just passed away she's like I'm gonna eat cheesecake before pasta yeah maybe she got molested or something by the way she's gonna blow up like a balloon eating like that oh yeah well I kind of dig it though it was hot because yeah she's going against the grain she does what she wants yeah

maybe she's like fuck me in the ass and then I'll blow you yeah that's not a good cheesecake that's a quick brownie that made more sense I just want to say queef cake it seemed like something that's a mudslide Brutus the barber queef cake oh god I'm my mind is mush you had the salmon the cheesecake yes so then I said now listen to this you're gonna really hate this you're gonna really be upset with me oh I'm a big gay person so I'm like I'm like I'm turning into like a millennial hipster I go you know we should do we should get our steps in I like that okay I love a step you like steps all right I'm like I'm

just 12 of them that really helped me yeah praise God a couple of them seem silly that they could really condense the steps to be quite frank apologize yeah nine so I go I like let's get our steps because we didn't drive it all day and we were you know we've been in the car for five hours I'm like let me walk off my meal I had a lot of potato and salmon the whole business yes go walk now I have a little bit of leftovers it's the daintiest littlest bag it weighs a half a pound I go let me put this in the car I don't want to walk around with the leftovers I get it let's get our steps in and you can tell Sarah's like oh my

god the steps the cheesecake the leftovers would make a decision you fucking loser well you're a go you're a do what you got to do guy but what if she wanted to do that that's where I wonder about you well let me tell you I'm not a do what I want to do guy I'm just making suggestions I never say we're going to get a cheesecake factory I say I can go for the cheese guy how would you feel about that would you like a cheesecake factory I put it out there I agree but I've put stuff out there and you go ah what are you crazy name an example it's just the same thing as you want to do what an example what's an example well

it was one time in DC in 98 I never forgot it all right we had to get a chocolate chip cookie then a tea and then we got your foot rubbed and your asshole waxed and I said well what if we go here and you're like all right we'll go here but I do a lot of apologizing I say hey I know I'm like annoying I got this go ahead if you have to I'm just gonna get a cookie I'll catch up with you I do a lot of I'll catch up with you I didn't care for the five five listies and then the one Norman you got you went ah you made a stink need I remind you where we record the podcast your living room hey I'll move around I'm in your

living room I'm coming here every week it's all over the map I'm not saying you don't make changes I gotta take two trains just I gotta put shoes on you got no shoes I got shoes I'm saying we're out on a trip I put shoes on your feet look at my feet I'll put some shoes I'm shitting on the road you got no door on the fucking bathroom I got toilet paper that's I use two different kinds of toilet paper it's all road games for me I got an itchy ear I'm really dying over here all right all right I'm just saying you know some other guy might have a suggestion now my wife hates me hey I take suggestions all right I take

suggestions but the best of them I just go with the flow you want to go get a cookie I'll get a cookie but this is the problem let me get down to the minute here's your problem here comes your problem you're ready for your problem hit me step nine Sarah similar problem you get ready because I look like the bad guy but you guys don't assert you go along you go along you go and this I think this might be a problem with your lady to uh-huh it's about reverse you keep going along you go I'm gonna go I'll make a plan I'll make a plan I'll make a plan well because you're too easy I'm too easy if you're

a slut I go all right well you're easy and I'm I got these needs so I'll go hey what do you think about this and you go yeah if you said no we don't have time for cookie I don't want to cookie fuck you I'd go all right all right no cookie all right all right you go yeah I need the tea I can't live without the tea I gotta eat well I gotta eat I'd catch up I told you catch up all right I like mustard but hey wait you're an easy guy and you're and I need this guy so we mesh we're getting a gang we're a gay in a bottle I know but now you criticize in the Yang I'm just saying every now and then when somebody else

suggests don't shit on their banana what you made this up this is a straw man when's the when's the shooting happening DC I suggested you went out DC 98 you're talking 98 I'm a new man this is 2019 I'll try it again all right throw something out there where you want to go try it out where we going are we eating after this you gotta get back I got very little diet restrictions diet restrictions that's true I got problems now I'll go well I guess we went somewhere once where I wasn't eating I'll go anywhere I know but it's a bummer when you're when you're not into it you you make it known all right well I still

did it all right but I made suggestions she went along with it yes the people go along with it what am I to do I go I like to get a cheesecake would you like to get a cheesecake they said I'd love to get a cheesecake I like to go get a cheesecake I like to go I don't want to do any thinking so if you got ideas I go great let's do that I know this has been the whole thing I'm like you want to go see this movie you go sure I'll see whatever I go all right great it's a yin and yang it's good well that's good why we why we fighting because I'm saying if another guy the reason I I don't throw them out there is because I

don't want to get poo poo'd all right but you're afraid of getting poo poo'd yes that's on you that is on me okay then now we're getting somewhere all right by the way Ari's like we'll go to Zion I go great we'll go wherever he's just driving he goes don't worry about the house we got a house like I don't even know where this is he's easy in a different way he's easy and like I'll handle everything he's making the plans I go great let's go do that exactly that's how I am with you by the way yes thank you yeah that's what I'm saying we're at your house you got no shoes on I can put on shoes it's not the shoes I get it

okay all right well in a weird way that was some kind of a roundabout I don't know friendship thing sex a friendship thing there you go well anyways so I and by the way all these people go I don't feel like walking let's go back I got right fine I'll walk on my own all right but anyways here comes the the the real kick in the dick the rape ah it's gonna kill me we go in the car I drop off my dumb leftovers I even feel like carrying the leftovers yep put the leftovers in the trunk I close the trunk I go boop I give it a boop but I didn't give it a boop boop evidently that's what I think that's my best suspicion yeah we go in

we walk aimless walk around the mall 30 minute walk we come out open the trunk leftovers are there suitcases backpacks everything else is gone robbed wasn't this a high-end mall high-end mall they pray on the high-end oh that makes sense now here's pray on the poor here's what they do so first of all we open the trunk Sarah immediately bends over she's like we got robbed and I go no we've left our shit and meanwhile this is my thought process we're fucked we left our luggage in Bakersfield we're fucked we're all the way up here we're never gonna get our luggage back it's in Bakersfield at the hotel she's like we didn't leave it she's

like I put my backpack in the trunk when we came we went for the walk she purposely moved her backpack with the computer into the trunk to be safe to be safe you think the trunk is safe why would the trunk be accessible I think I didn't do a boop boop I did a boop but a trunk is a trunk a trunk locks that you can't just lift open a trunk a trunk always requires a either a key or a button push or a flick in the inside seat area you know like a lever there you go ah there you go they open the front door they do the lever and I think we were watched because it happened in like 30 but we went in the trunk we put the

stuff in there and they prey on rental car we got all the scoops first of all if you're listening in the Bay area you probably already know this this is a huge epidemic in the Bay area interesting they steal they raw they they go in your car I guess recently at the same mall they went and they knocked the windows open which made me feel better but the bad lock they broke the window in every single car a whole row of cars 50 cars in a row wow they bust in they look for the little no smoking sticker on the car smart yes and they prey on rental cars because they know the suitcases are in there after we this happened by the way

we saw two guys eating lunch at the cheesecake with a suitcase whoa so they this the local guys they know whoa bring my suitcase in here well bakersfield I've heard nothing but horrible things it's a no no this is this is San Jose oh sorry okay why I still have shit on I've heard shit on big it's a bunch of white trash meth head pieces of toothless garbage it's got a Texas C field yeah Texas Jose ain't no picnic either they got gangs and shit it's a lot of like Chicano the what is it 19 with 13 MS 13 yeah well this what I guess it is is it's a this is Asians is an Asian organized crime ring anybody but there's

an Asian organized crime ring million dollar industry this crime has gone up 40% in the last seven years wow send it overseas back to where it came from to Asia to China because they steal them here they don't they just make them they don't get them they can't afford them wow they got in the the trunk was that no they went in the trunk oh that's not bad the tongue oh boy so they go in there and this is the the fucking shit problem with it they only want the electronics they just toss all your clothes aside right I had a Whitman Hansen track and field shirt that belonged to my ex-girlfriend was 22 years

old 1997 I had it from 22 years and all my jeans notebook full notebooks all of our house keys my calendar I keep a physical calendar jeans every three week trip all the clothes except what I was wearing on a three-week trip to Ted Baker's a to me suitcase that Sarah got for me for Christmas that was 600 bucks I had her computer that I bought her in September that was 1500 bucks then the little things the phone chargers the makeup we went to CVS let's buy the essentials we spent 200 bucks it all adds up you don't realize pens notebook calendar chapstick makeup deodorant deodorant toothpaste toothbrush I had

two electric toothbrushes in there and fucking 80 bucks a whack I mean you try to be comfortable she had three pairs of shoes in there like girl shoes that are 200 bucks so fucking pop and that's the thing about packing you pack your best shit because you're going out of the world and you want to be comfortable winter jacket spring jacket hiking pants sweatpants stuff to the rafters my backpack you know I had all my Chipotle cards a hundred percent of the Chipotle cards I had cheesecake cards my fucking left right center game all kinds of a little bit of cash not much tea bag the whole thing we both got

cleaned out I got my drawer cleaned out this is this is might be worse because it's it's items I just got cash I know and there's like sentimental yes notebooks you thought they have all my jokes they're doing your act and my merch my fucking comedian Joe list are you mad at me download cards that she sells that's income damn so much Chipotle I hope they use it for God's sake yeah well and an Asian kid using a Chipotle car with a dick drawn on it grab them I thought I thought about that and it was just brutal and then you call the police and they don't give a shit you're on hold for half hour and that's half San Jose and

half Santa Rosa so they fight over who's they're like that's his jurors that's his jurisdiction and the whole time you're going it's like big Lebowski like well you have any leads and he's like yeah we got we're working on it in ships they don't give a fuck now of course it's already gone it's out there it's and nothing's broken nothing's no vandalizing they got in they got out they don't care they look at the camera though we'll call you had to send a police report and then of course Sarah looks at her computer you can search where the computer is and it was at 712 Richmond Avenue and San Jose five minutes from the

mall oh so it turns out like 11 p.m. we're about to go see the movie us we're at the theater I like you guys are still going to you know you're still living I gotta live my life I wanted to distraction I was like let's go out here you know and the club was so nice Heather at Sunnyvale Roostertea Feather she gave Sarah a jacket she's like this doesn't fit me take it okay we're getting our way back that's lovely everyone was real nice I love that club I really do I love Heather I love the area other than that but so Sarah like tracks her computer and I call the police the guys like well you can go over there and call us there and

then we'll try to send a car what and I'm like how are we involved in this yes we heard a story but the police try to do a sting and they try to drive over a cop like what are you gonna do with us like what's ours gonna knock on the door yeah what am I McGruff like you work for me I pay taxes a lot of taxes fucking cunt we need an uber for police you know they the cab sucked so they invented uber we need that for cops oh that's not bad uber we need night rider yeah kit kit cloud kicker remember him oh yeah tailspin he was fun that's a hell of a name almost as good as cat Stevens but one thing that could help me save some

money in the future yes is oh yes Roman yes love Roman yeah Roman is great guys are terrible at taking care of their health as you know I mean LPR over here oh yeah Chlamydia whether it's a knee injury bad back or a sore throat which I have right now or something worse which I have guys are usually more comfortable quote unquote rubbing some dirt on it than seeing a doctor we hate doctors don't give it myself I'm googling all day long I'm just looking at stuff on the internet oh yeah you've got ailments so here's what you can do the same is true by the way for erectile dysfunction oh yeah study show 70% of

guys who experience ED don't even get treated for it but thankfully Roman created an easy way to get checked out by a doctor and get treated for ED online tell him how to do it I love that Roman is a one-stop shop where you can chat with a licensed US physician who can treat ED and if safe and appropriate ship medication right to your door with Roman there are no waiting rooms no awkward face-to-face conversations no uncomfortable trips of the pharmacy you can handle everything discreetly online wow that is nice all you have to do is visit get roman.com slash Tuesdays complete an online visit chat with a

doc and if the doctor decides it would be safe and appropriate they'll ship genuine medication right to your door and discreet unmarked packaging guys go online to get checked by the doctor ED is a problem that guys don't have to have with Roman it's really simple just take a good care of it for a free online visit go to roman.com slash Tuesdays that's get roman.com slash Tuesdays for a free online visit get roman.com slash Tuesdays and cure that boner today so then so we're at the movie theater so then I get freaked out at the movie theater so I'm filling out the police report and I realize Sarah can message her own

computer so she goes we know where you live which I think is ill advised this is an organized crime ring this is her Sarah texts her own computer this whoa I go well don't do that don't fucking poke the tail that's ballsy what a better idea I talked to my friend as a state trooper he had a good idea and he did this years ago hit me you message the computer you go attention this is the state police this is California highway patrol we have your address please contact us at this number and then you hope they panic and so this is like an organized crime so they've probably seen it all but yeah but that's a better

idea that's good the state police we we know where this is located we're coming to whatever yeah but these are Asians these aren't fucking nickel nickel and dimers yeah these are yeah so she writes we know you are so now we're at the movie theater they know our car because they stole shit sure they can try if she can track her computer they can track her phone so now I'm just sitting there going well you can track your cell phone they drive over here they go oh they're at the movies there's the car we go to the car right they can hide under the car with a bag of nickels yeah full of pennies sure nail us so the whole movie I

know it's a creepy movie as it anyway so I'm getting spooked out that I'm like what if there's a fucking what if everyone that moves it comes in I'm like what is this somebody I can't believe you could enjoy the movie I have enjoyed it plus like there's a lot of Asians everywhere so I'm like is that one of them is this guy is that a guy by the way it might not even been ages could have been just a random whatever but that is an organized crime in that area so we assume but then we come out of the movie now it's 1 30 in the morning and like we're like one of the few cars out there because this is a Thursday night sure so

it's not packed and we're like looking under the car Sarah's freaking out I'm nervous we get in the car you're like sweating like oh my god then I'm looking I'm waiting to like look in the review mirror and it's just like there was like you know throwing star oh god so all was fine and all was well but then the computer went offline they did something smart they go to Burger King then they turn it off there so that's the last no thing is just a parking lot smart and now it's long gone so I did like a Rudy speech the first day I was okay I was like you know what we gotta accept it's gone whatever and I went you know what

we're doing tomorrow I'm doing okay I have some money I'm like we're going to fucking mall same all and we're buying everything but I'm buying the exact shit I don't give a fuck so I went there I spent several thousand dollars I went right in oh my god but here's it's like I don't let the terrorists win kind of I hear you I like fuck it I'm not buying some knockoff horseshit I'm not changing my life for these fucking assholes yeah sing it so I go in there Sarah goes to H&M she's like I'm gonna go buy some shirts I go I'll be right back I gotta take a piss I went right to the Apple store I want this computer

here's my card I don't want to upsell bullshit I love it and then I came right back I just handed her a thing she started crying it was a fun moment all right as your computer check that off good for me when I was like I'm getting a suitcase I'm getting back the same suitcase you bought me they don't make it anymore that model is out like a car the new model cost $150 more $800 I'm like you gotta be shitting me so I got something a little less expensive I don't blame you well good for you don't let the the Asians win and God bless you I mean that that one I want to play the Star Spangled Banner when you say that it was

very exciting I went bought two Ted Baker's I mean I spent some money well that's cathartic too that's they safe shopping boost self-esteem and stress relief and all that shit here's the craziest part we finished doing all the stuff I couldn't get my suitcase closed and everything stolen I'm like oh fuck I gotta whatever now I got much part of it feels you know you feel a little bit freeing you like we have no possession but go into a show when you have zero luggage is very bizarre like all right let me go five I can't look over notes I can't brush my hair I can't be deodorant I can't brush my teeth I can't

change my clothes okay we just gotta go yeah it's very monk like yeah she had fucking sweatpants on and flip flops and tube top and a pair of bunny ears did you talk about it on stage a little bit but here's the thing two things one thing is everybody knows that happens there so they're like oh we got in here everyone has a story interesting and it's sad because I'm like it just just happens so people aren't laughing they're like oh my god okay and the third thing is they just had insane wildfire they've all lost all their houses and shit so part of them also was like yeah what the fuck dude damn yeah I never got

that and this is a little little what do you call it digressing but when I got robbed everybody's like oh man you're gonna get 10 minutes out of it you got to start just talk about on stage let it out feel it out I'm like okay I tried that once I bombed nobody cared if they were booing me that was boring I was like I have to write jokes yeah I've tried it too and they just don't care but anyways I've taken up too much time we got our stuff back I'm over it it bums me out the next day I started crying I gotta tell you I broke down because I blame my size like I didn't hit the lock I need to get my steps in I wanted to

fucking put my my leftovers there if I had just gone listen to the game if I didn't go to Cheesecake Factory I beat myself up my therapist like what about them why don't you blame them they stole all your shit yeah why is this your fault they rob you the criminals he's right but I would do the same thing and did let me ask you this before we move on and and by the way Tuesdays throw this guy a bone a Venmo a tweet Chipotle a suitcase a shoelace something like a tweet is fine I mean Uber cards are nice yeah yeah Uber him up or something throw this to you a toothpick or something you know give by the man a cup of

tea that was brutal it was it was one of those things where you like I got enough money to buy some stuff but you're like you start thinking about what I could have done yeah could have gone to fucking Afghanistan with that money whatever Albania heartbreaking I'm sorry man but it's only stuff like we didn't get shot that whole bullshit boy the next day I was devasted I was like I'm a piece of shit and then you have all those feelings flood in you're like what am I even doing I'm a comedian I make no money I gotta support my wife supposed to protect my wife I lost all of her shit our stuff is all gone I didn't lock

the door I wanted to get steps in like a fucking fruitcake what am I doing I'm an asshole I'm controlling I'm a piece of shit yeah I'm sorry man that is there's nothing nothing good to say I'm glad you're okay I'm glad you bought your shit back I'm glad you're not gonna let them win but that is a real shit on the plate now bring me back cuz I got that tease we've been sitting on it for six days you're in LA you're at the best hotel in town you flew first class you're about to suck someone's dick oh hit us with the LA last can I just ask one more thing about this cuz I know you're did you have that moment with you and

the lady cuz you haven't slept in your own beds and 81 you're out in Vegas you're out in Zion you're killing rabbits you get your shit stolen you forgot to boop boop did you have that moment where as a couple you kind of start to crack and she just snapped and your lady goes you didn't hit the boop you fucking come guzzler Nazi Jew face bitch no cuz well we thought we really we tried to do the thing of like well they would have broken in any ways and she didn't yeah right good she was good she's very sweet that always had when a tragedy strikes somebody always snaps on someone else we switched roles the first day I was like

well you got accepted it's gone what are you gonna do she was like I feel I'm gonna have a panic attack she's like I can't breathe the whole thing the next day was reversed though cuz she gets over things I let him linger right reacts in the moment she's like this sucks what are we gonna do and I'm like what can you do it's like getting her peas you fucking live you gotta move on and then the next day I was like I'm a scumbag myself I should kill myself damn wow I've been robbed so many times I know the feeling and it's it's brutal and how about this by the way I go to we go to fuck this is the other thing that broke me down that

night we're like well let's let's fuck at least yeah get over it and right before she's like what's on your dick I look down I'm so stressed I'm so anxious I'm so sad big red blood nice fresh herpes outbreak I can't even fuck like I'm dealing with the the reflux I can't drink I can't eat anything I can't eat anything fun and now I can't fuck and I just got all my shit stolen so literally I have like I have no break no anything and then the herpes just makes you feel like a piece of shit anyways I got this long lasting fucking STD I got this stupid I ate myself into oblivion I got the silent reflux I just ate and drank

shit to the point where I can't even eat anything anymore like a post nasal drip dripping down my throat I can't breathe I feel like I have asthma I'm covered in herpes I have no belongings oh dude I feel I mean I wanted to kill myself if I can be quite honest yeah it's quite a rollercoaster of herpes I mean it's just the worst you can't do any you have no nothing you got no outlet no outlet it was it was a tough yeah nothing to take the edge off you can't even get laid I guess you can eat her out I had comedy at least that's something I can't I can't eat her out it's not part of my diet good point reflux all right tell me what

LA make me make me spring here I'm gonna I gotta this is this is could be one of the biggies I got a real dinger of a hum here this is something okay give it to us sit tight there silent ree so I'm in LA I'm at my high-end hotel I'm still hung over but I'm rocking right off of a hotel check-in and a first-class meal and I got an album in the can so I'm feeling pretty good so I go let me take a walk around Santa Monica I walk to the water I'm still pretty hung over but I go I fuck it I walk all the way to the water it's like a 20 minute walk on the way to the water is a Chipotle and I go well it's like seven o'clock now I'm

taking the night off I ate a first-class breakfast I'm gonna eat dinner at this Chipotle go to the Chipotle feeling good order my meal I'm chewing on the meal this guy walks up cute blonde surfer guy goes you comedian and I go yeah yeah he goes oh man big fan big fan I go oh my god this day is going great what a day I go down to the water I look out there I do a dumb gay stare like I'm important and I look out in the sunset I just see all the people kissing and hugging I go wow I'm on the coast I'm in LA I'm a comedian I'm doing it show business now I got a 20 minute walk back I'm like should I Uber I'll just walk it get your

steps in get the steps in step dad I hate myself I get about 10 minutes into the walk and all the sudden like a punch in the gut I have to shit immediately oh boy it's all the whiskey it's all the no sleep it's the flight it's the food it's the dinner in Madison it's the bullet ride the bullet on the rocks and it's I got a silver bullet that needs to come out of this this this shotgun and the Chipotle is just kicking it in the high gear and I just go if I don't shit now I'm not gonna make it the 10 minute more walk oh boy so I'm just like holding on the side which is like holding my stomachs going and I'm like oh my god me this

beautiful residential Santa Monica neighborhood hungover disheveled little dirty I got bedhead I'm going and people are walking by me going like you okay you okay I'm like I'm good I'm good I'm just like I'm keeled over holding into shit so I just go fuck it and I start running but now the running is like making it worse because you're jostling yes so I'm like whoa I get to the hotel the hotel is across the street I got the red hand I just need six seconds to get to that across the street but I got the red hand cars are whizzing by I would normally just run across street but I couldn't do it and I

shit myself what I shit myself across the street from the hotel Ambrose on Arizona Street in Santa Monica wow old school old school man I mean I got clinked off about half of it with sheer strength and will that's a good clink I mean half is a good clink half's a good clink but this was a snake on a plane oh this was a fucking hum did you cut off the head of the tail I think I cut the head off because it was running around okay that's good but chicken shit yeah exactly so I had a guacamole but guacamole so I I just got now that you shit yourself now I got a little now I got a little time now you know because

half of it's out of me I base I'm crowning here in the heads out so I just go all right fuck it now I'm walking into the nicest hotel in Santa Monica covered in shit and the guy goes hey welcome back sir okay yeah below me now what kind of is it wet is it drooling or is it just kind of a clunk that can you shake out could you shake it out I shake it out but I'm in jeans here you know like I don't want to just let that roll down the the the pant leg I hear Levi so I just fucking slowly keep it in my boxers and I get in the elevator with like a nice hot couple and they're like are you doing buddy beautiful day out

there yeah yeah yeah suck my dick whatever I'm having a bad day two girls one couple yes hey nice so then I get in my room and I know you gotta do that thing we take the pants off so it's like you're like a surgeon who's about to do some some some doctoring here I gotta take the pan off slowly now I waddle into the bathroom I got the clunky underwear with a big baby in it I've I've shimmy that down to I popped the turd into the toilet it's a whole I jump in the shower got down then I just sit on the bed and eat ice cream and cry so we're both maybe crying at the same time yeah it might be the same day yeah split screen

yeah yeah shit you're covered in outbreak it's a whole thing but fuck it the next day I'm doing pitches now I got HBO I got showtime I got epics I got Comedy Central I got TBS I got all these Hulu you Amazon you name it we're doing three a day for three days wow that's nine this is a busy day nine shows nine networks nine different offices nine different parking situations the whole thing I've got it right here in front of me nine times nine times so the first pitch is at like 9 a.m. and this isn't it's like a 20 minute walk from the hotel and I go all right I'm just gonna walk that one so I'm gonna get up

early eat the hotel breakfast forget about the poo situation I'm a man shake it off shake it out and shake it off yes I have written an album I'm a success get out of your head I eat the hotel breakfast I comb I shave I shit I shower the whole thing I look great I smell great I feel great I get out there go to the pitch kill it have a great pin those pitches are so nerve-wracking if you've never seen about it or heard about it you go into a big conference room in this fucking high-rise they come in you're with your guy I got my manager I got the head writer I got me and I got the guy whose production company is backing us

mm-hmm the pitches that'll get you yes and I'm a catcher so we go in and right out of the gate Bert Kreischer gave me the advice like when you pitch you got to own that room you got to be the hottest thing in the room right when they walk in they go oh this is the guy like you got to be confident you got to be on you got to be killing zinging and zanging and not like don't be over the top but don't be meek and don't be shy like so it's a it's a tight rope right so I go in and I am just on cuz I've shit myself I got an album in the can I'm not hung over I'm feeling good zinging baby big laughs in the room and they're

they're asking questions are like oh but what does the character do this or does he like that oh that's it I've never heard oh really and I got him baby I'm reeling them in yes so I felt like Vince Vaughn and swingers I was cooking and then we'd leave there we go to the next one boom great next one boom great those like sets do you feel like you're getting more confident getting better as you go yeah and they're all different like some some some crowds aren't into it like HBO was tough they're a brick wall baby they they're a curtain with a tennis ball they don't give you anything back so cuz they they know you need

them TBS it's like hey you know we're happy to have you but epics is like please you know give us anything but HBO showtime they they they're doing fine so they're a little tougher but we had great pitches and you know when you're pitching a show or are doing anything and you're going this is good like this is solid yeah be into this I feel that way with listening to set sometimes yes we're like goddamn yes I am good right you're like I'm listening to the last you're like Jesus because in the moment you're like ah this seems good I'm doing well that's when you listen back or you think about it you're like goddamn that was

something that was good that was something I would enjoy if I was in the audience and then within three seconds you're like shut up you piece of shit they're probably just drunk yeah exactly so a big part of this is me just going shut up shut up shut up it's going fine all right so meanwhile all these pitches are going don't go on during the day you know you forget you got to get out and haul ass to the next one LA traffic you're weaving around bobbing around get to the next one park the car validate get the car back whatever I have shows at night I've set up shows at night because I'm a lunatic now now it's

Wednesday night I got there on Sunday night now it's Wednesday night so I've been pitching for two days straight three days straight no two days it's Tuesday days two days with stories Tuesday night and I got a show in the main room of the comedy store never done the main room that's excited oh the main room is a special thing it's only like my second time do it I'm doing Sam Tripoli show okay which they say is the best show in town according to Ari and it's like Rogan Chrysler Brad Williams me Ian Edwards it's like some some heavy hitters and I'm like oh my god it's sold out it's one of those things where I show up to

the store no one knows who I am and I'm like I am doing this show no oh geez oh get in there good Lord wow and it felt cool and you're in the green room and I don't realize it on these shows it's like they have catering they have free booze as a bartender back there because but the backstage of the main room is like a whole another club right like there's the belly room in the OR which is all amazing the comedy store special but like back there they really oh you know Rogan's on the show it's sold out you get paid quite handsome Lee and it's sold out it's hot and just great time you're in the back shucking and jiving you

realize oh these guys are just like the New Yorker they're just like us they have all the same opinions they hate all these hacks they love all these guys these guys are underrated whatever right and so I'm like oh man I wonder what I'm going on I want to I don't follow this guy dead last what well they want to get out and go home I see their celebrities they can't hang around so I show up first thing I see is Rogan pulls up and like a 50s vet convertible wow he's a big stick ship pulling in silver like a barracuda vet fucking Corvette beautiful thing it's shining big rims on oh my god damn this is gonna be nuts Burke

Reischer shows up rips his shirt off everybody goes crazy backstage though there's this guy's like hey I'm something something he's a weed guy he's like the guy who supplies weed to all these comedians okay and drug dealer I guess but it's it's legit there so he's more like a connoisseur like a wine guy almost so everything's going great and he goes here's your bag of weed stuff like oh my gosh this big black bag I open it CBD pills CBD oil big rolled joints big blunts loose weed weed in a bag brownies edibles cookies oh my god I don't even smoke weed really but fucking I'll take it free shit feels weird if they

get pulled over they could be like how you're distributing I guess but it's a lot of CB I think I guess they know right I don't know but they do it every night or whatever the fuck so maybe nervous yeah so it feels weird for East Coast guy but fucking I'll take it they're all taking it so hanging out with Brad Williams he's he's such a great hang and you guys really you guys get along well yeah I like I like these thieves I like a little man so Peter so yeah Bert just just great times as food back there I get a couple cocktails but I got in the back my head hey you got one more day of pitching at three big pitches tomorrow

don't get drunk so I have like one or two beers maybe a glass of whiskey take it easy now in the middle of all this the lady says you're right out in LA I love LA I'm flying out there and I go hey you can fly out but I'm I'm slammed I got pitches all day I got shows all night she goes hey I'm coming out I got great she comes out now I'm at the comedy store she has some friends in LA so she hangs out with them we meet back up now it's like 11 at night I got a pitch at nine three pitches this day and then that's on Wednesday and then Thursday I fly to Atlanta for the laughing skull show gig club so now we both meet up she's

had a couple drinks I've had a couple drinks I sure like hey look at this I got a huge bag of weed stuff she's like oh that's cool maybe we'll take some CBD and sleep like angels I was like yeah what's up with this CBD is that if we just like it's no weed you get no high it just feels good like physically right yeah my niece takes me yeah it's like it's a it's a drug for the kids these days apparently it's very normal and and people are on it so I go maybe not my knees but a cousin some kid or something I heard about a youngster taking CBD completely normalized now it's very out there in the in the mainstream so I go

alright so but conscious got a big day tomorrow I want to do anything I've had a couple beers I just want to go to bed and get some goddamn sleep I got the big race you know so I go alright maybe I'll just pop one of these CBD pills and I'll just make me feel good because I pop sleeping pills every night because I'm a weirdo so I go this will help I don't have any sleeping pills left this will help me sleep sure so now it's about 11 I pop this CBD pill I go to bed I wake up at 1 a.m. midnight 12 30 I've never been this fucked up in my entire life I'm laying on the bed I feel I'm laying on a bed and I feel like I'm

vertical that's how fucked my eyeballs my eyeballs are seeing so many things at once I'm seeing spots I look at a lamp it's like 800 lamps now it's one lamp now it's 800 lamps I don't know where I am I don't know who she is I don't know who I am I get up I can't walk I'm crawling to the bathroom my eyes are as big as saucers I don't know what's going on I'm in my underwear I like roll over now I'm laying on my back the ceiling fan is going I'm flipping out Jerry I'm busted I've lost it I've never been this fucked up my entire life so did you take the wrong thing did you get a weed thing took a hundred milligrams of THC THC

that's different than BBD or whatever the fuck big black cock no I took the I took weed right you thought it was CBD but it was it was it was WEED yes yes you don't be OPP so I'm like oh my god I'm freaking out I don't even know where I am I don't know what I'm in Santa Monica I mean I was in the bathroom I thought the bathroom was fucking nah man I was I was losing I was looking in the mirror I was like who is that I couldn't even think straight I'm looking at a clock I don't know what time means I can't even describe to you how high I was this sounds like it would be fun if you planned it no no no you're like I'm gonna

try to have get crazy no no I try I had to lie to myself I was sitting on the toilet going this is okay this is okay it's okay but I knew I was like no this is bad I'm freaking out I'm freaking out I'm like foaming at the mouth here man I'm losing it you know when you're so drunk that the room is yes and you can't even you can't even like get your feet on the ground yes it was like that but on a whole another planet I was gone baby wow gone gone baby gone it was bad I mean and and then I wake her up at like three in the morning after hours felt like days I felt like I was on Mars for days I wake her up now it's like 2 30 I

wait she's like what are you doing I'm like I'm losing it I'm losing it I'm freaking out I'm chugging water I'm trying everything nothing's working and I go my god I have a cup of coffee I don't know what's going on I haven't even made it back to the bed yet I'm like laying on the floor in the hotel room by like a recliner I'm cuddling the recliner just like oh my god I'm seeing spots I'm twisting I'm turning I can't the world won't stop spinning it was wild so she's like oh my god she's like putting a hot water on my head and she's like what about the pitch I was like fuck the pitches I call my manager it's like

three in the morning he doesn't pick up it's like I'm losing it I can't I sell Xenon so so eventually I kind of go in and out of sleep and now it's like six in the morning the manager call or text me is like what's up the phone is like so bright I can't even compute it it was crazy I'm so high I'm not even a weed guy I'm on a hundred you're supposed to take like 10 15 20 milligrams of an edible I've taken a hundred oh my god so it was bad man so finally he comes by at like eight because the pitches at nine 8 a.m. yeah he comes by like 8 a.m. and he's like we got to do this he's in work mode he's like dude what are you crazy I'm

like look at me look at me I've got like two hours of sleep I'm just I'm clinging to the walls as Bill Hicks would say it to take me down with a rake and I'm just like I can't go he's like you're going I'm like if I go to this pitch it's gonna blow everything like this is worse than not going this is almost like the movie flight Denzel yes it's just like you know depose himself or witness whatever the hell they're like yeah I get it together I couldn't get it together like you know you remember back to the future three when he has like that they pour like coffee Joey make us a wake-up juice yeah

you could have poured that up my asshole I wouldn't a bunch I'd be happy to that's how out I was I was on another planet the Sun's coming in I still don't know what's going on well that's the thing with that stuff being toxic it's just time time is the only thing that can help you the only thing he wanted me to get my head just the idea of getting up and showering was like what are you crazy I can barely stand right so he just sits there he's on a recliner like what do I do so now he's on the phone he's got his laptop open he's emailing HBO and all this shit not HBO already went to one of the other ones what a good manager I

know but he's furious and he's standing next to the bed he finally got me in the bed I'm in my panties here and like a like a half shirt you know I look like an Asian geisha and he's like you got you what are you an idiot you taking pills you fucking what are you crazy you're gonna take any pill before he's reading the pill bottle like a hundred million are you fucking I'm like what are you my dad what are you yelling at me I'm miserable you think I want this I want to go sell this show fuck you and now we're like half going at it and she's like guys guys it was horrible wow so the whole thing the whole days off we had

a picture nine a pitch at noon and a pitch at like three or something he waits the whole days like what about the noon they can make the noon I'm like look at me you really want me to go and talk to somebody look at me just the idea of leaving the hotel room was horrific wow and now it's like two is like you think you make the three I'm like get the fuck out of here I'm not making it so he's like all right well here's the deal you have to fly in next week back to LA before you go to Tempe and I said fuck it I'll do it I don't care I'd rather do that than then go anywhere right now wow so you had to

call you what would you say my clients lost his mind food poisoning I'm actually scared to talk about it on here because I've lied to them well here's the good news though because this won't come out until after you've already pitched so hopefully they buy the show they get they flip out they go sorry you were sick blah blah blah yeah this comes out becomes like a legendary story I hope I hope like think about it's almost like Larry David lying before he pitched Seinfeld you know every historic right yeah well now I got to sell the show though yeah you got to sell the show because the other six are fine with you

that's true but a lot of networks this is the whole other bag of hammers is this production company that will remain nameless flew me out put me up first class nice five-star hotel ubering me renting me a car like so you just feel that guilt of like what a piece of shit I am I'm whacked out on drugs so I'm missing pitches right you know it's not one of those things where I like got hit by a car I got a stomach flu I'm on drugs God the guilt was racking me plus when you're high you're paranoid anyway and you're all over the road yes it was a bad day and then the girls there and I feel I want to show her around LA and

she's like just sitting there like you better now no how about now no should we go out now could you just go to a restaurant what do you think no I can't move but you wouldn't be able to show her LA anyways yeah I guess no is there any part because all I can think about I love the feeling even when I've been like had food poisoning of clearing that calendar like anytime no matter what the situation of like having all your responsibilities over yeah there's a bit of you even if you're sick you're like all right I got nothing to do yeah I felt that I didn't but I you got I didn't feel normal right right cuz there's so

much THC flowing through me that I didn't even feel normal until like nine the next night which is what I would have been done anyway but here's the thing that I'm worried about part of me wonders if subconsciously because I had so much on my plate I had main room Rogan Burke Christcher the girlfriend in town HBO another pitch three more tomorrow flying back to New York flying to Atlanta old part of me wonders did I just take that subconsciously to just like shut down interesting yeah because I'm not an idiot I wouldn't just start taking pills but I was like that CBD but it's also kind of like how dumb am I I just start

popping a CBD pill right so I don't know I don't know because it was I remember I was so stressed out that weekend but or that week but fucking so it was the worst you know so only my manager and now 23,000 people or whoever lives yeah I think it's around there but yeah so more to come I would imagine now it's Wednesday in New York or Tuesday in New York and I have to fly out to Tempe I mean to LA again tomorrow at 6 a.m. at the time of recording now yes then I'm gonna fly out to LA go straight from the airport to three pitches go to bed then fly to Tempe wow it's weird because we're having this incredible time in our

life and we're both going to Europe and your pitch and I'm going to LA you're going to LA we're doing all these exciting things but it's getting very stressful yes it really is like I was just gone for 19 days home for two days gone for five days back for one day then gone for five days yeah and I'm going to four countries in three days five four countries in five days I've slept in my bed three times this month yeah and it stresses you out because I'm like I'm not seeing my wife I haven't seen my family and then it's very stressful to take value and I have no homeland I haven't woken up in the same place more

than four days in a row and they were all hotels right and we're just regular Joe's yeah we're bozos just regular nerd regular markups yeah and cut-ups and now we're off I mean you have to push out though on those those insecure feelings of like I'm in the fucking HBO Billy what am I doing here I'm a fucking douche I'm a cut-up I'm a joke fuck up I'm nobody what am I doing here the other thing with all the traveling is like I haven't been able to go to therapy I haven't been able to go to many meetings I'm all fucked up I haven't done myself care yes yeah I got like an LPR or a silent reflex going down my

asshole and it's tough we're getting robbed I got herpes you're on drugs but yeah hopefully we sell the show and then you can sell the show and I'll do something with my life and we can plug into some normalcy it'd be nice it'd be nice but you know there's people out there who are going I quit complaining you come guzzlers you got it good but yeah I'm not complaining I'm just saying it's this is a new chapter and it's different and it's harder and there's a new set of problems yeah I'm not complaining I'm just expressing my feelings and some of these troubles but now I'd rather be doing this than you know working a nine

to five or whatever it is I feel I feel grateful to be in the position but it is stressful yeah I'd like to sleep in a bed a few nights in a row it'd be nice yeah we're going to Europe it's it's bananas but yeah people don't want to hear you complain about Europe but sure I get it but I'm just saying it's we got a lot on our plates and we're trying to make it we're spinning these plates at the same time so we're trying to make it work well I think you're gonna sell this show I think you might I think you might have a couple bidding wars that's what I think I think a few networks after it out of nine at least two we're gonna want

it at least two hey I just want to sell it not make it I always feel that way but then once you get that step then you do yeah yeah you feel that way it's like you know you you want to we just make the tournament then you win the first game right the final four that's a good and you get the final four you're like I'm so close right right well I'll tell you it's that Larry David feeling see I'm we're Larry David I know I quote him all the time it's because I feel like him where he sells this you know Seinfeld gets made and he goes I gotta write these now and then it gets picked up for three more seasons and everybody's like hooray

and he's like what are you kidding this is the worst news ever yeah that's how I feel but I don't know it's not even picked up or and probably won't be so fuck that and I got more I got my Atlanta story is also crazy but don't fuck with that THC folks did read the pill bottle carefully I'm an idiot where are you gonna be we've got a lot more to keep tuning in because I haven't done half a Zion I haven't talked about Austin I barely talked about Houston or whatever oh yeah I want to keep tuning in it's been a while since we recorded we not to do some over the phone or over Skype but we'll figure out a way to make

it sound good we're gonna make it work folks we got Shelby handling it yeah that doesn't help stress either people being like you late you fucking assholes it's over the phone dragon Anthony I we're just trying to do it for you yeah keep in mind it's been free every week for six years please this weekend what the hell weekend is it oh brokerage I'm at the brokerage this weekend Friday Saturday brokerage Belmore New York Long Island come out to that please for the love of God May 12th and maybe sold up by now Belly room at the comedy store gonna have some fun guests on that one Syracuse funny bone

May 24 25 26 comics Roadhouse at Mohegan's on May 16 17 18 come down gamble yes one nighter in Seattle May 30th gotta figure out oh live podcast holy shit oh good call just a month away May 28th Tuesday May 28th village underground please come pack it out live podcast at the village underground let's sell it out we'll have some big guests yes there's some repeat guests sour Christie those guys are amazing oh yeah I try to get Quinn but it'd be nice I'll call a few SNL cats if you know what I mean yeah so we're gonna try to do something big for that one May 28th but either way we'll be there shucking and

jiving I'll be in better condition than I am right now hopefully and May 28th village underground comics May 16 through 18 and Albany funny bone June 13 through 15 Providence comedy connection June 27 28 29 and a bunch more exciting stuff coming up my voice all right well yeah save that magic throw to yours and put some belt tracks on that hog I'm in Europe right now but after that Columbus so Ohio at the sonic temple fest comedy and Carlson in Rochester bananas in Jersey draft house in DC let's sell that one out I love DC people are always asking me Buffalo helium love the buff a lot of fun stuff coming after that helium in

Indianapolis Indiana comedy works in Denver Sacramento punchline Tacoma Spokane going back to wall what is that called Tampa side splitters Magoobies in Baltimore a lot of fun stuff come on out God love you sorry we went long here but this was a this is what we call an epic something it was something not epics and yeah sorry about all the snafus we love you stick with us we'll be we'll be calling you from Europe who knows and God save the Queen praise our Yeah, no human even hell