Tuesdays with Stories! - #295 Dutch Roll

Episode Date: April 30, 2019

Joe is stateside and Mark is in Glasgow in a wacky episode as Joe recaps his trip through Europe and Mark gets into the first part of his own European trip with Bert Kreischer! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

Hey, Tuesdays. We got a weird one here for you. This is Joe List. I'm Stateside. Mark is in Europe and we did the best of our can. We could. We tried. I came into the studio for this episode. Shelby's here. We're working on it, but it's tough to record podcasts when one of us is in Scotland, one of us is in New York and you guys didn't, a lot of you didn't appreciate the replacement hosts. So we did our best. It's going to sound fucking weird and we apologize, but I think you'd probably be able to hear me, but, and Mark, you can hear most of it, but the cut's in and out. So we apologize, but give it a listen. Give it a try. If you hate it, don't write mean things to us. We're very sensitive people and we'll be back in the studio

next week or maybe in two weeks because Mark is out there for a while, but it was tough. I was in Europe for two weeks. Mark's in Europe now and technology's not as good as we want it to be, and, uh, but we got an episode for you. So, so listen, give it a shot and, uh, we'll, we did our best and, uh, hang in there. Thanks for listening. We love you. Here's the episode. Hey folks, welcome to another episode of Tuesdays with stories. We got a wacky one here, folks. We've got a weird situation. Mark, where are you in the world? Holy hell, I'm in Glasgow, Scotland. I thought it was Glasgow and they all made fun of me. No, it's... Glasgow, I'm in a hotel. Uh, I just got off a five-hour train ride with Bert and, uh,

we've been all over the road. It's my fourth day and I am wrecked. Oh yeah, by the way, it is Glasgow. Don't listen to them. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. That's what the locals are saying. They're saying, go. Yeah, but who are you going to believe, me or a local? Right? Well, you're both, you're both wearing skirts. Yep. No wonder. I am in, well, guess where I'm at? Well, you don't have to guess, I guess. I think you're in the big, the big Apple. Yeah, I'm in the big anal and, uh, I'm at the old studio and it's a trip down memory lane. I gotta tell you. Oh, weird. Didn't we leave them? We did, but we, I don't know, we borrowed the space. Shelby lives here, I think. I don't know what's going on, but I'm in the old space and there's a guy

carrying waters. He thought I was the owner and he thought Shelby was the manager, but it's, it's strange being here because this is the birthplace of our, uh, you know, of our stillborns. Yeah, the miscarriage. Well, that is weird and, uh, I assume Shelby lived in a tree. So this is all news to me. Um, also, I'm in your seat. So it's all wacky, wacky, terby, wacky Wednesday. And there's no weird intern judging us in the bleachers. Finally. Yeah. That's why we had to go to my apartment because those cunts wouldn't stop eyeballing. Well, it's, it's good to be here. I got the old photos from the first ever episode with Donnelly and Veter and then that DeRosa won. DeRosa's all pissed because he got mad at me.

Oh yeah. He's always pissed. He's, uh, he's a messed up kid. But hey, this is, uh, we got a lot to discuss. You were just in Europe. I want to hear about that. Well, we, we, I think I was just thinking about this in the walk over here. We, uh, we created history, I think. What's, what do you say? What's the word? The verb? We did what with history? Made history? Time, time travel, made history. Yeah. I guess it's made. That's a tough word to not remember. We made history, I think. We are the only podcast in history where the two hosts, the two stars, if you will, crossed each other in the sky over the Atlantic. You were coming and I was going. Isn't that insane? That is cookie. That's unprecedented. There's no precedent. Yes. President Trump. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I, uh, I flew home on, uh, you came out Monday. I flew home Monday. Yeah. Where'd you fly to? London? Is that right? Uh, yeah. Yeah, London. Heathrow. Uh, I think it's Heathrow. Person throw. What's that you said? I said person throw. I'm trying to get less sexist. Uh, Heathrow. She throw. They, I think it would be they throw. They throw. You're right. You're right. We all throw. Ice cream. Throat cancer. Cobblestone throw. Oh, yes. Cobblestone. How about this? I worked with, yeah, I worked with a guy, a comic, and he said he got they'd in his intro, like he did a woke LA show and they brought him up saying this next comic, they have been on this show and they have been on that show. They are this guy. Didn't even ask for it. Involuntary they. Is he androgynous?

What's that mean? You know, is he kind of a mixy maxy? Like, is he a little guy, a little gal at him? You know, like David Bowie was androgynous. Oh, I see. All right. Like, uh, Shelby's got a little bit of that. Yeah. A little bit of that. Yeah. He's wearing heels and a burka. By the way, Shelby did not crack a smile on that one. That was tough. That was a bomb. I've never seen him crack a smile. That was a real. We're not a smart T. Uh-oh. That was some cuts in the notes there. I heard some. Uh-oh. Crackles. That might have been Shelby. But no, he was just a regular man, just like an old, not a one to say regular. That's offensive. But he was just a, you know, a dude, long hair, beard, 48 years old, cock. A real guy. He was not a vet. He was a he. But let me ask you, as a,

as a male species or whatever you want to call it, a traditional cis, cunt, dick, gook. Do you get to choose what you get to get to be called? Because I feel like they get to pick. Let me pick. Yeah. Of course you get to pick, but he didn't pick. That's what I'm saying. They picked they. He wants to be a he. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's offensive. Exactly. About a little equal treatment. It was an involuntary they not to be confused with an involuntary lay also known as rape. Yes. Unless you're in Hawaii and then it's not so bad. Yeah. That's true. Well, anyways, I was out there in Europe. You're in Europe now. I was out there before. I went to Amsterdam. What a city that Amsterdam, huh? Maybe my number one, number two, Paris,

Amsterdam in Europe. Unbelievable. You can't beat it. It's really a phenomenal city. The canals and don't call those canals a river. They get a little upset. They hit you with a wooden shoe. Oh, good to know. Yeah. The Dutch, they're angry, but the women are beautiful. They're tall, they're blonde. They're on a bicycle. There's weed, there's whores, their little houses, the colors, the canal, unreal. It's really something we talked about this last time when I was there and I was blown away just as much this time. It never gets old. This female bike riding with a short skirt or dress, their panties are just out there. It's just panty triangles everywhere you look. I know, I'm jealous of that seat. I think I'd rather be this me. I don't want to crush it

because a face that can really crush your nose, don't you know? Yeah, I guess that's true. The face that sounds good on paper, but it can hurt an old factory. Well, there's a sexual face set where there's an unwritten contract where the woman kind of hovers a little bit. Right, right. But a bike seat, that's a full 220 pounds, just full on you, you know? Whew, that's a beefy broad you're describing. That's a quite a Swiss roll. I believe it's a Dutch roll. Oh, right, right. Dutch roll. That sounds like a dance. Whew, I hope this is coming in clear because I'm having a great time over here. Shelby looks perturbed. The fans are going to hate us and you sound tired, but I'm gay as gay can be.

Yeah, I'm hungover. I'm gay. I'm a gay. I'm a little out to lunch here, but it's so good to talk to you. I missed you. I got so many questions and so many answers. All right, well, let me tell you. So I got to, I flew direct to Amsterdam and business class, which what a difference that business class makes. Forget about it. All the difference in the world. It's a treat. But here's one complaint. I mean, you know what I mean? I can always find something to complain about, you know? That's the nature of the business. Oh, yeah, I've heard. So the business class, it's a full flight, but the seats, they lay all the way back into beds, but it's a mechanical seat. So it goes like this. And at some point in the nine hour flight, every single person

is moving their seat almost entire the time. Oh, wow. So for seven hours, you're trying to read a book or jerk off. And you just hear that. Like a robot fucking. Yeah. That sucks. Exactly. I'm up there. I'm getting free drinks. I'm getting free food. First class meal. I got, I'm in my REM sleep. I got 75 movies. I want to kill everybody. I'm like, this sucks. This plane sucks. I want to fly private, but you know, you can't fly. Go ahead. Over. How many hours is that? Oh, it had to been, I don't know, eight, seven and a half, eight, maybe. Wow. That's a doozy. But a beautiful flight. Well, the flight, that was the flight home, if I'm being honest, a little behind the secrets. The flight there, I flew the red eye flight and I didn't, I woke up,

I made, I was really smart. I woke up at 730 AM the day I was leaving. I just woke myself up. So I was exhausted all the ding dong day. It was Sarah's birthday. I felt guilty. I had to fly out on Sarah's birthday, which is always a bummer. Oh, Judy Coles. Exactly. Judy was calling and it was in my asshole. So Sarah and I went out. We had a nice city day, walked around. We went to, she wanted to go to some Kung Fu restaurant. What's the Chinese, some Chinese, that it's a special kind of Chinese. Give me some Chinese flavors. Ho Chi Men. The Great American, what's that, Korean? No, no, that's not Chinese. That's Korean. Thai boy, Thai lady boy. That's Thailand. Oh, right, right. How about Korean barbecue is a thing. That's Korean. That's Japan.

No, no, it's Chinese, I'm saying. Oh, oh, oh, I thought you were saying the different types of Chinese. Yeah, but you're not naming that. You're naming other things. What is it called? Gold Chinese? Oh, dim sum, dim sum. No, dim sum. That sounds good. What the fuck? Oh, my mother's cunt. Oh, oh, oh, Szechuan. Oh, that's it. You got it. That was it. Szechuan. Wow. Yes. Yeah, well, she wanted to go Szechuan. I love Szechuan. Well, I love it too. I'm just throwing that out there, but I love things, but I got the reflux. I'm refluxing. Oh, I forget about the flux. It's silent. I'm not, but it's silent. So we go there and I can't have anything. It's all spicy meatballs over there. It's peanut butters and hot sauce and cashews and come and I just can't do it. I can't

have any dim sum. Oh, no, you can't have anything. They brought me a bowl of white rice. I just ate white rice like a fucking chuch basic bitch. Damn, that sucks. Can you put some soy on there? No, no soy. I am. No soy. What is that? That means something in Spanish, I think. I think soy is I am. Oh, yeah. So you are not. I am gay, soy gay. Soy gay. That's a bad milk. I'm marginalized. Well, we're having fun, but anyway, so then I had to go back. I had to leave. You have to be like, all right, happy birthday, you old broad. I'm heading to Europe business class and getting paid to do it. Yes, here, here. So I let her go and then I got this. So now I'm exhausted. I woke up at six 30. I walked about 20,000 steps. I ate three bowls of rice and,

you know, I fucking tape my eyes back and I get on the plane. I took a Tylenol PM and it worked like a charm. I laid back in the bed. I woke up fresh, bright eyed and bushy cocked in Amsterdam, Netherlands, Holland and a fucking beautiful day. Stayed at a fine hotel. They gave me a, what do you call it? A suite, which was nice. Wow. But a suite in Europe is like, you know, the size of the studio here. Oh, right, right, right. But people are really shelling out the shackles here. They're pulling up the dough. Well, it's all Louis. I mean, Louis, you know, he's still selling out. He's playing 400 cedars, but he's selling them out. So it's still a nice penny. Right, right. I mean, it's a pretty penny. Last time it was a private plane in the

four season. This time it's not quite as, quite as nice, but still very nice. And then it was, it was me and Louis and this guy, Dino Stompa Nopinopoulos. You know that guy? Jesse Kitsopoulos. Oh, the Greek. He's a legend. Legendary writer. He wrote for Conan Letterman. He's created a bunch of shows, writes with Smigel and Dana Carvey show. Wow. He's something, this guy. He's a stand up too? Not really. So he plays music and him and Louis are all buddies. They used to share an office at Conan. So Louis said, the guy he plays me, he's in a band now, Dino. And he's got a podcast too. Check it out. And they said, Louis goes, well, he goes, I'm playing music now. I'm on tour playing in a band. And Louis said, why don't you come open for me? Well,

hang out. We'll have a great time. And he said, sure. But it wasn't stand up. It was just kind of music. So he would come out and play a few songs and then bring me out there. But it was fun. He was a great hang. He likes to booze and we had, he had some good old stories and we had a grand old time. All right. Now, were you nervous about a new guy? You know, it's always scary having a new guy in the mix. You got to get to know and what if he sucks and I'm gay? Well, not too much. I figured it'd be cool. And he's a buddy with Louis. I don't know. And he's a legend. He's a comedy legend guy. So I was kind of excited to be quite frankly. All right. Yeah, I would be too. I just, I get nervous around newbies, especially the Greeks. Oh yeah. They invented anal. So

that's true. Well, that, that's pretty impressive. It's not bad. I mean, nobody thought to do that before them, I think. Yeah. I mean, inventing anything is hard because even anal as well. Yeah, it's always hard, but you got to get through it. Well, what the hell was that? Your voice just went devil-like. That was crazy. Oh, I, I, I checked something. Something's cut out for me. Oh, it's over. It's, it's, it's sped up. All of a sudden you're like, Oh, I didn't hear that. Well, it was something. Maybe I'm just hearing things. But anyway, so we went to Amsterdam, did a couple of rock clubs. That was fun and had some great food. I ate all fish out there cause all I can eat is fucking fish and pussy. So, uh, same family.

Yeah. Yeah. Tuna. Beautiful day. But then I had this when you're on the East coast time, you're all fucked up. So I kept waking up early at like 7 AM and I would just go out walking because we're only in Amsterdam for a day. I looked at all the panties I could look at. And then we woke up the next day and flew back to Bergen, Norway where I just was in October. So I woke up with a flight. We're getting picked up at like 10 AM, but I woke up at like 6 AM. So I just went out. The sun was coming up. I took some great photos on Instagram at Joe List comedy and I just walked the streets of Amsterdam. First thing in the morning. I mean, the moon, the sun was half up and people were still all strung out and pissing

in the street. But other than that, I was like the only guy out there. It reminds me of New Orleans, Amsterdam in that. Yes. It's this beautiful city and it's spectacular in history, but a couple hours after that sun goes down, I am not interested. No, it's the devil's play. Yeah, it gets to be too much. So the day once the sun went down, I went to my room and watched my friend jerk off and then the sun came up and I got back out there and just walked around. It was beautiful. Wow. Oh man, that is really something. You got that alone time. You put the earbuds in and just enjoy that Amsterdam. Well, I went no earbuds. I went the sound of the silence, the sound of the streets. Oh boy, that's exciting. So you hit the red light and you're just smoking a ganja

or eating. What are you? What kind of fish are we talking? I had a lot of salmon. I'm all salmon, little cod and some other things, some chickpeas or something. I don't know. I'm trying to eat all the vegetables and whatnot, but this is what was interesting. So I woke up, walked for about five miles, got all my steps in, then we all went to the airport and flew to Bergen, Norway, direct flight, which was nice business class again. That was exciting. Good laughs on the plane. Then we get to Bergen, check into the hotel. Now this is exciting because I was there six months ago in Bergen and Sarah and I stayed at kind of like a whatever hotel, low budget. You know, we're not selling the tickets and while we were walking around there, I had to piss. So we went to the

best hotel in town and I was like, Sarah, just act like we belong here. Just walk with meaning, you know? So we walked straight in there. It's one of those hotels you're like, wow, imagine this place. What if we were staying here? How cool is this? We go up, they have a big library with all these naked photos because in Europe, nudity is just whatever, you know? They don't give a fuck. Yes, par for the anal. Yeah, little kids just look at tits. They got the panty triangles and everything, the bike seats, the whole works. So I remember Sarah and I were there. I took a big shit. I looked at a bunch of naked books and photos. Then I come back six months later. That's where we're staying. Whoa, the naked hotel. I go, you got to be shit me. I was

like, I told, I'm like, this book's upstairs with nudity. They got a great bathroom. This is where I went to the bathroom and now I had to act like I belonged. Now I do belong. Now I'm there. You're in, baby. You're watching the tits. What a thrill. And then we had a 10th floor, top floor balcony and the balcony. I got to post some photos. It looks over this little pond in the middle of the city up to this big mountain, the peak of the mountain, the houses everywhere. Spectacular. I wish I could have smoked a cigar, but whatever we're going to do. And then all three of our rooms were right next to each other. Louis to my right, Dino to my left. We're all sunbathing out there. It's pretty spectacular. Oh my God. Jesus. This is lunch. It was, it was a dry sock

after a wet sock. I can tell you that. Oh yeah. Wow. And how are the shows? Good crowds. Shows were good. It was the same place. Rick's, it's called Rick's like Casablanca. We were in the small room six months ago because we're not, you know, doing that great. But this time it was in the big room, upstairs, hot crowds, two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. And then I went hiking. As soon as I got there, I went hiking for like a couple hours. Then I looked at my steps. I'm at like eight miles. Oh my God. There's no way I walked eight miles. I forgot that earlier in the day, I had been in Amsterdam. So I walked about five miles, four miles in two different cities, two different countries. Wow. Very exciting. Man. Beautiful. I'm gonna say you're eating,

you're walking, you're eating healthy, you're not drinking. I'm doing the exact opposite. I'm boozing with Bird every night. And then we don't walk. We get on a train for five hours, and then we eat dog shit. So boy, we are living separate lives there, Fetty. Well, I was worried about you because you're kind of a secret health nut. Are you mixing in smoothies or juices, or what are you doing? Not really, because you get no opportunity. Like you drink all night, then you just wake up, the alarm's buzzing, you jump out of bed, you jump on a flight, you jump on a train, then you gotta eat whatever's on the train, and then you get to the hotel, you shower, you go right to the venue, and you start drinking again. That's tough.

It's a tough cycle, and there's no give. I'm getting no naps in, I'm getting no fruit, I'm getting no dick. Brutal. Yeah, it's tough. I keep telling myself like, hey, this is the two weeks, you're gonna suck it up, you're gonna get fat, and you're gonna enjoy it. And then when you get back, you'll be gay again. Yeah, you make up for it, and fun is the best thing to have, I think. Oh yeah. Yeah, I might die on this one. This one's gonna really push me, because he's the machine, I'm a dildo, and I can't say no, and he's one of those guys like, if I go, ah, I'm gonna take the night off, he's gonna go, ah, the hell you are, take this shot of gasoline, and then put this cricket up your ass, and we're back. Well, that's the thing with

opening, and that's where it's funner to be the headliner, because you can kind of call some shots, but with opening, you're kind of at the discretion of the person. They're kind of like, we're getting up, we're going to the museum. What's that you said? Yeah, he's calling shots, he's calling shots over, and we're taking them. Yeah, so anyway, let me, I'll just wrap up this, because mine's a little more boring, I mean, I don't do shit over here. Well, I want to hear about the cities though, I mean, how often are you in, you know, Oslo or whatever? Well, Bergen, twice in six months, but um, but then Saturday came around, they got a big mountain up there, and you can, you can hike to the, you can take a little, um, like a, what do you call it, cable car

up to the top, which Sarah and I did last year when I was there, Sarah and I cable car to the top, and then hiked down, then Louis and I this year did the opposite, he's like, let's hike up, we'll cable car down. So I said, great, that's the opposite, that's fun for me. Yes. So we stop, we go, we want to get some fish, some reel in Norway, that's the big thing, the fish. So we asked, and they said, they said, go to the harbor, and right there is like, there's a tent with fishermen, they're doing the fishing and serving the food. So what they have is, it's just a little red tent, and they got picnic tables, and they got all the plates on display, you can get salmon with the potato, which is all I can eat, and a salad, which is exactly what I want, because that's all

I can eat. Then they have like, fish and chips, that's fried, can't have it, then they have like, halibut, I think, or something like that. A few fishes, you just go, just give me that one, you just point to the plate, they throw it right on the grill, they're wearing the yellow rubber fishing gear and shit, they're the fishermen. Wow. And it's like McDonald's fast food, it's ready four minutes later, they just toss it on the grill, the guy, Dino got a whale burger, which was huge. It looked like a big black shoe. Oh, wow, that's amazing. Seemed like it tasted like one too, he ate about a quarter of it, he's like, this is too much, this is crazy, but we... That's a lot of blubber. Yeah, it's really, it's just dark, I had it before when I was in Oslo

a few years ago, and I shit my pants, but it's just dark, it's like eating fucking shoe polish in a baseball mitt. And it's coming out the blowhole. Sing it. So we got the fish and we hiked up, it was a long hike, I mean it was all switchbacks and it's an hour up there, but a beautiful view, there's some goats worth it, I put some photos up and just a spectacular up there, then we took the cable car down, rested up and great shows in Bergen, then Sunday was a bit of a cunt, we had to fly to, we had to go to Paris, but no direct flights from Bergen to Paris, so we had to fly back to Amsterdam, and I was like, this is where you miss the private jet, I can tell you that. Oh yeah. But we flew to... I'm sure. What's that? I'm saying, I'm sure he

misses, I'm sure he misses a lot of things. Yeah, for sure, well he kind of was like, wow, this is good, we're amongst the people, it's less isolating, I was like, okay, sure. But no, it was still great, we still flew business class, had some fun on the plane, we're yucking it up and we flew to Amsterdam, back to Amsterdam, had a lay over there, then flew to Paris, and Paris is just the best, we were staying in Montmartre. Oh, I love it, that's the hip area. It's hip but it's... I don't love it, it's very dirt, it's all sex, sex shops and filth. I like that, I like the seedy, I like the gritty, I like that whole scene. I like it a little bit, I mean, I like, it's cool, there's the theater,

they have the best comedy room in Paris, everyone said it unanimously, the European, it's called, the theater. This place is unbelievable, it's in Montmartre, and it's a 350 seater, it's old, it's like 100 years old, it was built in the round, they used to do like shows or whatever, the plays in the middle, so I guess years ago they took, it's all in the round, but they took like a fifth of the seats out and built the stage there, because they wanted to shoot a film or something, so now it's like a bowl, imagine a perfect circle of seats, a bowl, where you just took a piece out, put a stage on and then filled the, what do you call it, the bowl area, it just packed, it's hard to imagine, but I got you, I got you, low ceiling,

you're surrounded by people, packed, and this crowd was hot, wow, Norway and Amsterdam, sorry, ah, it's hard to do this over the phone, we're sorry everybody, we hate ourselves, we should bring back the over, all right, the over under, yes, well, over easy, mmm, that's what she was, ah, I don't know, yes, but the bowl, man, how cool is that, you're in Montmartre, Paris, ripping it up at the old theater, the European, killing with American comedy, that's a fucking, that's amazing, they were hot, I mean this crowd was hot, on fire, and then there was two seats like in the crowd, so me and Dino just sat and watched the show, like as part of the audience, and it was fun, I mean this was fire, I mean the crowd was rocking,

and it was fun to just watch a show, very exciting, and I was exhausted, so I went to bed, we went to an after party, and I kind of chatted with a few French fruits, and said hey, I got to go to bed, went to bed, woke up super early, my flight, I was getting picked up at 1.30 on Monday to get back, and I got to get back, as I've said, I was road weary, 19 days on the road, home for two days, gone for five, home for one, gone for five, oh man, and you missed the lady's birthday in there too, and in that time I was in 12 states and four countries, wow, that's wild, it was uh insane, so I was like I gotta get home, so I had a 1.30 pickup, so I woke up at 7.30 a.m in Paris, and I just went for it, I jumped on the subway, I went down to Notre Dame to check that out, to see

that post fire, went and got a nice cinnamon roll at Circus Bakery, which is unbelievable, you gotta go there when you're in Paris, and walked around all day, but Paris, I couldn't not eat the sweets, so I fucked up my throat, I had cinnamon roll and all kinds of croissants, and a chocolate chip cookie, you can't not eat those fucking pastries there, you gotta eat it, yeah the crepes and the rapes, all of it, it's so good, gotta eat a rape, so spent about six hours walking around, I really put on the mile, I mean I just walked up and down that river, and I went across the Louvre and everywhere, and I was emotional because I had just been there last year with Sarah, and I realized I get emotional because that trip to Paris with

Sarah is like the only trip in my life I ever planned and booked myself, usually I'm flying with comedy or somebody else, but I feel like a man, and then you're there without your wife, but I just missed her, I was like God, I love my wife, that's how I felt, that's nice, so now I'm home, it's a good feeling, they love you, you love them, and now I'm home and I've never felt better, I'm home, I'm watching hockey, I'm relaxing, I'm doing spots, I'm waking up early because I'm still on their time, I'm working out, I'm getting back into the groove, and eating much better, so I feel great. Hey folks, this episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by adamandeeve.com.

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get 50% off just about any item. But just because they love you, Adam and Eve are giving you free stuff. The magic word is Tuesdays. That's plural. Enter a checkout for 10 free gifts. They'll give you something for you, something for the gals, and a third toy everyone can enjoy. But, Papa Adam ain't done with you yet. You can't walk away without six spicy movies on the house, plus Eves throwing in free shipping. I mean, she loves you baby, and so do we. Get in with Tuesdays. That's plural. Tuesdays at adamandeeve.com. Go do it right now. Thanks for listening back to the regularly scheduled program. Now, I'm dying to hear about the first few days of this trip with old Christy. Christ on Christmas. I don't know if you want to hear any of that shit, but I'll hear

anything. I gotta tell you about the TV show I'm pitching. So, I'll just fly right through it, Pluto Wednesday, because I missed, you know, we had the whole big edible debacle with the marijuana pill, the THC jizz that I fucked my whole schedule up. So, my manager was so pissed, he was like, hey, look, you gotta fly out Wednesday to do two pitches, then fly to Tempe, do the improv, and then Friday get up at 6 a.m. and fly back to LA for the last day, then fly back to LA, I mean, to Tempe for the night two shows. Oh my god. Does that make sense? It makes sense. We've had a couple small cutouts, a couple little nipples. You might have to be very still or something. Hold on. It's not moving here. All right.

Don't move. So, yeah, flew out on Wednesday. Oh, gone again? Shit. Oh, fuck my ass. Suck ticks. What happened? No, you're good. I think you're good. All right. I'm stiff bored here. I'm a boner. Yeah. Yeah, me stiff. All right. So, flew out to LA on Wednesday, did the two pitches, went pretty well, then wake up on Thursday morning, fly to Tempe, meet Fat Chris Al, we do the Thursday show in Tempe, it was killer, room, great town, good comedy town, lot of good looking people there. And I go back, me and Chris Al have a great chat in the car. You know, when he's dropping you off and you just sit in front of the hotel for like two hours and you're really good. I love that feeling. Yeah, we just, we just really yanked it up and had a good,

it was one of those like, oh man, now I'm getting six hours of sleep. But now I'm getting seven hours. Now I'm getting four and a half. You know, I was like, all right, I gotta go. So, jump in the hotel, go to bed, set the alarm for four AM, get up, get out the door at 430, make the airport, LA at six, no wait, six AM flight. Yes, I woke up at 430, left at five, you get it. So, here's the clinker, the pitch in LA was at, so I'm doing a six AM flight. So, I landed about 730 in the morning. Now, this is where I fucked myself. So, and I get, wow, 730 in the morning, the pitch is until 10. It's only 45 minute drive to get to the pitch. I can't go to the pitch now. It's not an open, the building opens at nine. You know,

even if I leave 730 error, 830. So, I go, let me just sit on the, close my eyes for a minute, you know. So, I just sit on this chair in the terminal and go to sleep for three hours. Oh. I was like, oh, fuck, and I Google it and it says 48 minutes away. So, I'm like, oh my god. So, I jump in an Uber, my manager's like, hey, we're all in the conference room, you close, where are you parking? And I'm like, oh my god, my plane was laid. I missed out, you know, we sat on the tarmac for six years. I hate myself. I'm in a cab. There's a wreck on the highway. It's the whole thing. And he was like, what the fuck? What are you going to get here by? I said,

probably about 250. He goes, ah, right back where he started. Oh my god. These people must hate you. I know. I'm fucked up. They must hate me. So, but I just, I blamed it on the airline. I blamed it on the tarmac. And I blamed it on the wreck on the 405. I don't know. I was on the 101. So, he's like, all right, I'll stretch. Just get your fat ass over here. So, I finally make it there. Like, I'm yelling things, Uber driver. I got the best Uber driver in there. So, it was Bob and we, it was treating him like a, like, ah, fuck me. Okay. So, yeah, I got there about 1045. So, it was 45 minutes late to the pitch, blamed it on the airline, blamed it on the wreck. And I had a hell of a pitch. It's not about that late energy. I was just cooking.

Well, and you have the desperation of like, I got to make this work because I'm a piece of shit for being late. Exactly. Yeah. I was bringing the heat because I had so much guilt from falling asleep in terminal five. So, that just glad all those pitches are over. I mean, flying there, flying back, flying here up my ass, out the back door and around the corner. So, so we leave the pitch. We're all high-fiving, hand shaking. And how about this? I'll buy you lunch at Nate and Al's. You know Nate and Al's? Nate and Al's? No, is that Szechuan? No, Nate and Al's is Nate and Al's. It's a famous Jewish, Jewish deli in Beverly Hills. That's where Larry David always eats. Oh, no kidding. LD. LD with Funkhauser and all those

guys. So, we go to Nate and Al's. It's great. He buys and I go, well, my flight's not till three. I got a little time. So, I go to LA Fitness and get out of work out. Oh, fun. LA Fitness in LA. It's fun. It's LA, LA Fitness. Yeah, or just Fitness, I guess. But if you get a chance to work out in LA, it's a hoot and a holler. I mean, every girl there is at nine and a half and she's Instagramming and she's got fake since she's wearing like a piece of rib. Oh, no. And in building all of it, it's fun. Oh, you're cutting in and out. I don't know what to do here. Oh, shit. I haven't moved in a minute. Oh, God, they're gonna hate us. Over. Oh, damn it. And right when it gets good, all of a sudden it goes like a fart. It's all like you were fucking, someone was popping

you. Oh, no. I'm gleeful. Damn it. Maybe I'll slow down. I'll slow down. Yeah, go slow. Slow down. You move too fast. You got to make the mornings last. All right. Here we go. Slow is good, I think. What? Slow is good, I think. Oh, all right. I want to get all this information in because we're already, we're already 40, 40 minutes in here, but I'm pumping through. All right, slowing it down, slowing it down. And if I cut to say, say repeat. All right. All right. So get back to Tempe and have great shows with Chris Allen. I'm on No Sleep, but we have two great shows. Friday Late Show is a little rough. You know how that goes. We got heckled and we went gay. And then had a good hang after Saturday. We had another two great shows. I had lunch with

Mateo Lane. He was at the other club in Phoenix. Oh, I love Mateo. Great guy. We got ice cream. He was wearing a tank top. He's so damn ripped and hot. Big gay ice cream. Big gay. There was no, no big gay out there, but he was a big gay. And I fed him and he fed me and it was good. And I did a podcast with a local kid and he was huge. Big fan of the, of the Tuesday. And just had a great night. Then here's the clink. I fly back on Sunday morning back to New York City. So like a good five hour, six hour flight. Somehow in midair, Bert Preischer decides to change the itinerary where we leave Monday night. Monday night. Yeah, Monday night. No, Sunday night. Sunday. The land in London on Monday. Right. I land at about four and I have to take off

it about, so what a kick in the dick. So I just go and repeat. What time did you land? What a kick. I landed about four and I got to fly out at 10. 10. Brutal. So, you know, the plan and you go, Oh, good. I'm in New York. What a load off. I got a day in New York. I'm gonna take it easy and then you check your emails. Hey, we're leaving at 10 a 10 p.m. out of Newark. So I go from JFK to my apartment, put new clothes in a suitcase and then go back to Newark. Wow. I got to say, I was pretty proud of myself. I, my guy, Louis, he tried to do the same thing, but I asserted. They said, anyway, you can leave the day before. And I said, I can't. I got a, I got a birthday here, pal. Step on it. Wow. But that didn't screw him up.

Yeah. Well, he was already, they wanted to add a show the day before. And I was like, I can't do it. And it was pretty nice because they were like, Mary, I guess we won't do it. So that was nice. Whoa. That would have fucked me over because, or that would have fucked me up because now he's basically saying, Hey, I don't get paid unless you get here a day early. Right. Well, these guys got money. Good for you. Good for you. All right. So you get there. Yeah. So I land. I get to London. Well, first, when I was at Newark, I stole about eight dollars worth of sleeping pills and a bunch of food for the flight. Good food on the plane, which was good. Long ass light had a British kid next to me like, Daddy, you fucked my ass.

Repeat over. Uh, well, on the flight, I stole a bunch of shit from my flight to London. What? Who's next to you? Over. Oh, I had two fucking British kids that were run out of Mary Poppins. These kids were concept. Oh, Daddy, can you change the channel? My ass needs a pounding. Brutal. They wouldn't shut up the whole time. Ah, geez. British kids, when they, when they ask for things, they sound way twattier. They always say, isn't it? No, but nice speech. Yes. All right. So, uh, land in London. I don't know where I am. You know, they say when you land in London, or when you land overseas. Oh, boy, it's better. Just stay up and ride. And of course I land. I said,

let me just take a little nap, a room, uh, get to the hotel, take a nap. I fall asleep for like five hours, which is so frustrating because I can't nap normally. But then when I'm not supposed to nap, I sleep for five fucking hours. That's jet lag, baby. What's it gonna do? It is. It's a killer. So, uh, wake up. I gotta want to get dinner. Now it's like eight at night that the sun's gone. I'm in the middle of London. We're in the same hotel. We go out and we get shipwrecked. I mean, we got toasted, blotto, smashed. That's what he does. And so, yeah, we just went out and did the whole town and got sloppy drunk, came back, did the hotel bar, got into a fight with a lady at the bar and she was a drunk and they went at it and then Bird and the Bite. Everybody drinks after

and, uh, whoo, that was, that was day one. We had no show that night. Oh, wow. You flew out early and you didn't even have a show. I know. That's what killed me. I think he just wanted to hang. Makes sense. You're going to get acclimated. Yeah, yeah, they like the acclimate. So, next day we wake up, head on down in a sprinter van. You know those sprinters? No, I'm not familiar. It's, uh, like those Mercedes vans that are like, uh, they're like pointy at the front and tall. You've seen them. All right. They're running around town. I'm pointy and tall. I'll send you a, I'll send you a GIF. So, uh, yeah, we jump in. It's like a three hour drive to Brighton, which is like this cool beach town in England. It's like the gay area. It's like their province

town kind of. Okay. And man, Brighton was killer. We did this place called Comedia with a K and, uh, Simon was our driver, just tall, lanky British douche. And boy, we had a hot day in Brighton. We did the show, show us killer. We got Indian food, like real authentic Indian food. A lot of Indians in England. Yes. That's what we ate. When we were in London, we went and ate a huge Indian thing. That's their, that's like their best food because they don't have food. They're just boiled and fish and shit. Right. Right. They got horrible food here. It's beans and cod and chips and shit and tea. So, uh, we got some authentic Indian food and burst the best guy to go out to dinner with because he's such a, he's a ham. You know, he's just like, what do you like? The guy's like, oh, he goes,

we'll take all of it. You know what? Bring three of those and then bring a pitcher of beer and two bottles of vodka. And I was like, great. So we go nuts at the Indian joints. Go do the show. Show is killer. I mean, old creaky comedy club with fucking low ceilings, dark and hot, hot, hot. Every third joke's getting an applause break and you go, man, British comedy must suck. Yeah, it does. I agree. Uh, so yeah, we just did the show killer. We got out of there. We did a meet and greet at the bar. These guys are so nice and I can't understand half of them. Oh, I made to tell you. Yeah, yeah. Tell me about it. Snatch. Gotta get out of here. And then we got, we went back to the

hotel, got drunk. Bert goes, oh shit, I got a couple of Cubans. We go sit on the English channel, right on the shore, staring at the ocean, smoking Cubans, watching the tide go by. We realized France is right across the ocean. That's where D-Day happened in Normandy, right across that water there, English channel. Mark Normandy. Yes, here, here. So we just sat and talked about World War II while pumping cigars and sipping on tequila. Then we get up, Bert goes, well, it's three in the morning. We can drink it all night. We should soak this up. Let's get fish and chips. We go to this place. Crickety old sailors running the joint. They go, wow, we haven't had the burners on yet. Bert goes, turn them on. And now we're back there. We're

fronting. We got our chef's hat on. We're shit-faced. We're back there with a bunch of old Brits and just having a great time. Eat some fish and chips. There's mushy peas, the sauce there. They mush up peas. So it's like a green sauce. Good times. Yeah. Then next day we wake up, Bert, have a Bloody Mary, then we drive down the bath, or as they call it, bath. Rich boss. Bath, yes. Bath is bananas because it's beautiful town on Avon. That's the name of the river. Shake. Oh God, repeat. Get down the bath. It's called bath. It's in the middle of nowhere in England. Oh shit, again. No, no, you're good. Middle of nowhere in England, bath. Yeah. That's where Shakespeare was fucking. Oh, wow. And Hathaway. It's called bath. It's called

bath because the Romans invaded it and made it all into like, what do you call it? Those bath houses. Oh yeah, Roman bath house. Roman, Yossi. Yes, exactly. Roman, great, great sponsor. Good product. Yeah, so we go there. Beautiful. I took a bunch of photos. I put them on the Instagram story. So if you missed it, call me. I'll send you your own private photo. But yeah, it's all Roman and the stone and giant church. The Linde River and the hills. I can't describe how fabulous it was. Little alleyways with nooks and chops and cheats and blobs and unreal. And the show is too good where all the front row took their shirts off. What? Just as an audience member, just to support. Yeah, because Bert takes his shirt off.

Oh, right. Shirt off thing. And these guys were mouthing the stories and, I mean, this was wild. I mean, these were rabid, rabid fans. They drove for here. They drove from Bristol. They drove from Somerset. Who the hell knows? It was wild. Wow. I appreciate that he does the town. Like, he didn't just do London. He went all over. That's nice. Oh, yeah. He got the van and he jumped around and, I mean, he should have been adding shoes. The lines were around the block and then people were hanging out outside going, can I get in? Please? He sold out. I'm sorry. So we leave there. This was banana. We leave there. He does a meet and greet with every single audience member. They all want a photo. That takes like two hours. Then he goes, we're all going to this bar across three.

We go to some Irish. He gets behind the bar. He's serving people. He's singing songs. Oh, it's insane. He's like chanting. Oh, God. Oh, boy. Yeah, they're going to hate us. I mean, this is brutal. Wow, man. I can hear all the setups. Right when it gets exciting, it cuts out. Tell me where it left off. Ruth B. He's singing songs or something. It sounds great. He's chanting and singing. Yeah. All right. He goes behind the bar. He goes behind the bar. He shirts off, serving drinks. He's crowd surfing. Wow. He's singing Rolling Stones. They're all chanting. It was

magic, baby. Magic. Taking photos. They're just hoisting big ails back and forth and clunking mugs. I'm real. Now, what are you doing? Are you shirtless? Are you partying? What are you doing? You're just watching this. Are you fucking guys or what's happening? I'm standing on a table. I got eight drinks in my hand. I pull up my ass and I'm singing Yo Ho Ho and Oi, Oi, Oi, and Chib Chib. Wow. What a fucking fun time. It sounds amazing. From what I can hear, it sounds fucking amazing, isn't it? Over. Amazing. Yeah. So then we go back to the hotel. Now, it's four in the morning and we haven't eaten. So the only thing open is Domino's. I felt like you got it. It was four in the morning and it was delicious. It was wings and pizza and nuggets

and we got a Diet Coke. It was great. By the way, Domino's, I miss you, baby. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got a cobblestone right now. So, yeah, then we get up. We drive to London with old Simon and this is how much of a badass Bert is. We're hopping over. We're driving the four hours to London or whatever the hell it was. Bert goes, wait a minute. Where's Big Ben? And the driver's like, well, it's about 20 minutes this way, but we're going this way. And the lady in the car, she's like tour guide. She's like, look, Bert, you cannot make the Big Ben and the show. You're not going to make it. He goes, fuck it. I got to go to Ben because I want to cut a promo. So the guy's like, all right, well, I'm driving to Big Ben. The lady's like, oh, Bert,

so we got two shows in London. He says, fuck, and it gets out, takes his shirt off, he's running down Piccadilly. He's got his shirt off. He's got his cameraman with him. And he goes, Big Ben, you want to know what time it is? It's time to book tickets for my fall tour. He's in the middle of British people going, who the fuck is this guy? And he's just screaming camera. He jumps back in the van. He cuts a shot in the car, sends it out. Wow. He knows how to work it. He knows how to work it. You wonder why these people are big. It's these shenanigans like that. Also, I forgot to mention, when we were writing, he got a giant package in the mail. He opens the

package, two huge decals of his body saying body shots with no shirt on. And he slacked them both on the side of the van. Oh, that's fun. It's like the Wolfmobile. Teen Wolfs. Yes, exactly. The Bertmobile. Wow, that's fucking great. That was great. So now we're driving down the streets of London and people are going, who's this fat guy? And women are try heaving, he was saying. Man, that sounds like a fucking fun. Now, how long are you, you're still in the UK. How long are you out there for? Well, let's see. London was last night. Then we took a train to Glasgow today. We just got to the hotel like you called me. And then we got a show tonight at eight hours. We have a show.

But yeah, we're, jeez, with tomorrow's Manchester, then Amsterdam, then Copenhagen, then Norwich, then Dublin, then we're done. So I'm here for a while. Wow. Well, it sounds like fucking amazing. I can't wait for the next episode. We might do another one of these, unfortunately. Well, I don't know if we could do one of these, but because I don't want to ruin these stories on the sound quality here. So when you get back, we're going to have a fucking epic. We're going to have to give them a free tote bag or something, but I can't wait to hear the rest. Yeah. Yeah, this is just the first three days. I know. I know. Fuck. I think we've got to start to wrap up here. It's getting squirrely. Oh, wow. Is it getting worse? Yeah, it's not getting better.

Oh, jeez. Now I heard a queef. Yeah, there's crinkles and quaffs and queefs. But we got a good hour in here. We got something. We got something. Well, I'm starting. We're trying to keep it rocking and rolling here. It's not easy. How do the pods do this? I guess it is the European phone. Yeah. You're in another country in the Scots. They're wacky. I mean, I am one of dissent, but they're worse. Well, I'll throw some plugs out there. You want to throw a plug out there? Oh, yeah. I just got a prop. That's on the books. Oh, shit. Fuck me. I'm doing Providence too soon. What are you doing it? All right. May 10th. All right. May 10th, Providence. Yeah. Just go to the website, Mark Norman comedy,

but I'm coming to your town. I swear to God, Rochester, DC, going back to DC, draft house, the Goobys, O'Cann, Tacoma, Indianapolis. All right. You're all of them. Mark Norman comedy, right? Or does it? Yes. That's it. Mark Norman comedy.com. Check out the dates. You can go to my dates at comedienjoelist.com. I got Syracuse, Albany, Mohegan's son, DC in a wild Denver in August. Those tickets are on sale now, August 8, 9, 10 comedy works. It's a ways away, but come do it. And big things coming up. And the next episode, we'll wait. We'll be home. Next episode will be a lot better. We did our best. And we love you guys. Thanks for sticking it out. We're trying to make it work here. Mark's out. He might be dead. This might be his last

episode ever. Who knows? But keep tuning in. Keep tuning. Yes. Who's got stories like this and who's got this kind of content? We're content. All right. We did our best. I miss you, buddy. Miss you, fatty. And I hope I see you again. Come back in a coffin. Oh, I'm coughing cobblestone. All right. We love you. Thank you for listening. I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to see you. Yeah. It's more stories to come. All right. Till we continue.