Tuesdays with Stories! - #296 Good Year Blip

Episode Date: May 9, 2019

Hey folks, Mark is back from Europe while Joe is queefing on the road but we still hear about Mark going to strip clubs and smoking weed in Copenhagen while Joe see's Apocalypse Now at the Beacon Theater. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. Ha! Holy jizz-face anal. We are back. I'm in America. Joe's in the Midwest. Minnesota. Minnesota, the land of a thousand butters.

And uh, I'm wiped. My body hurts. I always say my liver is like Notre Dame. It's ruined. But boy, what a wild experience. And now we're back on another phone-er.

Making it work. We're a little late. But so are dead people. Yes. And pregnant women. Yes! That's right. And yeah, people with the missing period.

And black people. Ha ha! Often late. Yeah, I've heard that stereotype. And they called CPT. Oh, that's offensive. Oh, shit. Sorry.

I took it too far. You went too far. I took it too far. I didn't invent the term. I've just heard it. Mm-hmm. Yep. That's what they all say.

I'm just kidding, though. We're all jokes. These are jokes. No blogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. It's good to hear your voice, buddy. I feel like you were stuck in a well for a month

and we were trying to get you out and I haven't seen you. And now I still don't see you. Yeah, I know. We're working too hard. I guess it's good where we get work. And we were busy and we're on the road. But the last time we talked,

under the covers in Glasgow, hungover and gay and just trying to get by. I mean, this is two weeks I was gone. That's a lot of drinking and a lot of not working out and a lot of not eating a vegetable. Now, what were you doing? I assume you must have done some push-ups or something or jogged at some point.

You walked to a flight of stairs. I mean, you had to have done something. Are you a fat fuck or what's going on? I can't see you. I'm squishy. I'm like rotted fruit. I feel like my face is wider. I got that Val Kilmer thing where, you know,

you just blow up a little bit. You're the Ice Man. Yes, I'm Batman. And I'm Willow. Doc Holiday. There you go. I'm a kiss-kiss-bang-bang over here. But he wasn't Willow, was he?

No, that was the little guy. Yeah, that was the veeter. What was his name? It was like Dr. Octopus. So I had a fun Vigo Morton. So what was his name again? Shelby, what was his name? I don't know.

Willow's Sucked. I'm sorry. I hate Willow. It freaked me out as a kid. It was dark and disturbing. Is Bowie in that or am I mistaken? No, that was Labyrinth. Labyrinth, yes.

That movie I liked. That didn't like it either. What about the one with Tom Cruise? Legend. Remember that with Tom Cruise? Oh, I never saw that. I saw I Am Legend. Oh, big difference.

That had a buff Will Smith. I got to tell you, I saw the new Seth Rogen joint with Charise Theron. It was actually pretty good. Come on. I didn't mind it. I feel like he wrote that just so he could fuck her. Yeah, that's what we call that, the Woody Allen in the business. Woody Allen's made up with Scarlett Johansson and everybody.

Well, he didn't write anything in it with the Soon Yee. No, no. He didn't need to. What can you do? But anyways, wait. Sorry, it's the movie. It was actually pretty good. I had a couple laughs and it got sweet.

I cried for a moment. I think I'm an emotional old... Uh-oh. Uh-oh, we lost you. Ah, fuck. Hello? Oh, no. I hear you.

Oh, okay. Shit, we had a blip. Fuck my ass. We had a blip. Oh, jeez. I hate a blip. I hate blips. Blips suck.

You're still in my thing. I can hear you. I can hear Jimmy. All right, all right. You can hear Jimmy. White rhythm section. White men can't hear. All right, so tell me, you got a wide head

and you got your Val Kilmer and Tom Hicks. Yeah. Well, I didn't realize how much of a routine I was on. Like, I was working out twice a week. I was trying to stay off beer. I was eating decently. You know, a lot of chipotle, a lot of oatmeal, a lot of anal. But yeah, you got to just...

At one point, there was like three days in where I go, this is all out the window. We're eating trash. We're drinking beer. We're drinking beer. We're doing whiskey. We're drinking vodka. And you're not working out.

So I just had to accept that and just go into the light. Oh, the darkness, as it were. Yeah. Now, where was your lady? Did she come out at all? No, no, she's still straight. But it was too much. Like, she wanted to come out and I wanted to get her out there.

But it was... I mean, it's literally drinking all night. Then you get on a flight after an hour of sleep in Europe. So you got to go through all these flight things and then you get on the plane. They get off the plane. Then you just want to sleep all day. So you miss the whole city.

And then you wake up, keep drinking, do a show that night, then go out and drink. So the schedule was horrific. And you weren't flying private? No, no, no. We were first class, which was nice. He sprung for that, which I appreciate. But these are our flights.

So he's like, ah, fuck it. I'd rather save 17 grand and just fly an hour, you know, you know, doubling to London is not bad. Now, are you still all wacky time-wise or what? You must be in fucking Africa time. I'm okay, because the last leg was... AKT. The last leg was Ireland.

So it's only a five-hour difference, which... It's almost like LA. I could hang. Right. But... I'm hurting, baby. But it's good to be back. You got back last night?

I got back yesterday. I feel like it's noon. Wow. Yeah, and I did two sets last night and the lady hates me. So it's been a while. But I mean, let me just say this about the machine. He is totally a machine. He's got the Mickey Mantle Jean.

This guy can... We would fly for an hour. He'd have a 9 a.m. flight, hour-long flight. He would have three beers on the flight. Then we'd land at the airport. He's like, let's hang out. Let's hit the bar. Then he would have a beer there.

Then we'd get to the hotel. I would sleep. He'd hit the gym. Then he would sauna. Then he'd be like, let's get lunch. We'd get lunch. He'd have a couple beers at lunch. Maybe a whiskey.

Maybe a vodka. Then he'd take a quick nap. Then he'd do some writing. Do the show. Two shows. Kill it. Drink throughout the shows. Chugging beers on stage.

Then we'd go out after and then eat pizza at 5 in the morning. Then we'd wake up again at 7 or 8 to go get on another flight. I don't know how he does. He's an animal. Holy shit. Well, first of all, it doesn't end well for Mickey Mantle. How did he go? Oh, liver.

Liver problem. Liver failure. Oh, God. But he got on. He was on the waiting list. They got him a liver real quick. People were upset about it. So that was something.

So maybe he'll have that. But how does he look not horrible? He doesn't look great. I don't know. I mean, he works out, too, which people forget. He runs those marathons. He steams. He does yoga.

I told you when we went to Utah, he was out skiing all of us. Wow. What a fascinating guy. How old is he? I think he's 47. He's a specimen. I'm telling you. I mean, he looks like hell, but he's a specimen.

Gee, what an interesting fella. Very interesting. And, you know, he face times with his wife and kids every day and makes it work. And he's a sweet, sweet man and very giving and generous. And we laughed the whole trip. We punched up each other's acts. We had a great time. I take my shirt off now.

So it's, it was a, it was a memorable time just running around Europe being yuck ups and drunks. Wow. Unreal. Yeah. So, well, let me tell you, let me tell you some, some fun tales. Yeah. Get into it.

I want to hear, I want to hear some tales and some Sonic. Yeah. Oh. I'm off. I'm off. I got it. Oh God. I thought you meant the video game.

Yeah. That's Sonic and Tails. Isn't that his guy? You're right. I'm waiting for the thing. I thought you were going to say heads. I got to tell you, I made a, I made a big mistake. I bought a PS4.

That's why Sonic is on my mind. You bought a PS4. Yeah. Well, Sarah and I were sitting around and I was home for two weeks and we're hanging out and you know, you run out of things to talk about and all I got this reflex. It's all I think about. So she hates me. We're going to get divorced.

I want to, I think I'm dying of throat cancer. Sure. So I busted out last, last week. She, uh, Oh, we lost you again. You're back. You're back. You're back.

What happened? I'm on my phone. It's not like I'm in fucking South America here. I'm in Minnesota. Something's up. It's this damn wiring or the, the Jews. I don't know what it is, but something's up, but you're good. Stop moving because I'm pacing.

I'm trying to get my steps up. I don't even think it's the pacing. I think it's just that it just, it was just a quick jizz of a nip, quip, blip. All right. I'm going to sit down and put some pants on and maybe that'll help, but. Yes. Well, your dick's like a, it's like a rod. It helps the antenna.

It's the nicest thing that has ever said to me. It's a bumpy rod. I can tell you that. Well, that helps. That helps with the conducing. It's a thumbed up bumpy rod, but. Oh, that's a title. Um,

Title, Thumbed Up Bumpy Rod. It might, might be a little long for iTunes. Well, anyways, so we were bored. We busted out. I bought the bullshit throwback fucking gay Nintendo last year. And so we were like, why don't we dust that off? Wow. We can play some Mario.

So we're playing that, but the controller sticks and Mario, once you've played 150 times, you get it. Oh, you get it. All right. So then we said, well, what if we got a PS4? Wow. Get a little video game system and I've resisted for 20 years. Cause I have so many things that distract me.

Right. I'm not going to read and be a good person and meditate and masturbate, but I was like, you know what, let's just do it. So I said, fucking, I went on a wild goose chase, bought a PS4. I bought Sonic the Hedgehog and an NHL 19 and some racing game. We got it all plugged in and we had to move our furniture around. And so we're playing with video game fruits now. Wow.

And I tell you, it brings, it brings the, it's saving our marriage. Not that we're having hard trouble, but. Well, you're on the road. You play some video games. Yeah, it's not bad. Cause it gets you away from your phone. I spend a lot of time, do you do this? I go, I'm like, I'm going to watch a movie.

I go through every movie. I'm like, I've seen this. I don't want to see that. That doesn't look great. Rotten tomatoes. My father's gay. So with a video game, you go, just, just hit start. We'll start playing.

Yeah. I like that. You don't have to leave it. They say it relieves a depression playing video games. Ironically. Oh really? Well, I'm, I mean, I'm depressed. Like I've never been, but we can get into that later.

But anyways, I got a PS4. That's why I did the sonic tales joke. I apologize. I'm going to have to cut it out. I mean, that was embarrassing. No, no, no. I've had way worse and the video game nerds will like it. Yeah.

You're a gamer now. How about that? No, I don't want to be a gamer. I wish it blips. Why couldn't it blip when I said Sonic? Ah, good point. That would have been a good blip. Useful blip.

Good for your blip. All right. All right. Anyways, get, spend me a yawn. Would you give me a fucking yawn, kid? All right. Well, the video game is not bad. I, I, I get it.

I get it. You don't want to be the guy, the video game guy who has to bring that or he's going to kill himself. You know, that guy was like, I bring my PS8 everywhere. Yeah. No, you don't want to do that. And also I don't want to be this guy, the guy that like my wife comes home and she's giving me a kiss and I'm like looking around her head because I'm on like level three.

Oh, right. Right. You know, which is like, Hey honey. And I'm like, not now, not now. I'm collecting a coin. All right. Remember the boss? Remember the boss?

That was a big deal as a kid. Springsteen? No, no. That was like the big guy. He had to beat at the end. The boss. What game? What are you talking about?

Every game. You mean a Bobo? Bobo. That's when you cut your knee. A Bobo. That was the double dragon guy. Oh. His name was Bobo.

Wow. That was my Uber driver last week. Two stars. All right. But, uh, yeah. So I never got into the placing because there was too many buttons. It had like a circle, an X, a square. Give me a button.

I don't like these rules. That's what I have. And I keep saying, I, with Sarah and I almost got in a fist fight because I was like, press B, B. And she's like, there's no B. And I'm like, there's a B. And she's like, it's a triangle. And I said, we'll hit the X of the square.

I'm saying the wrong buttons. Yeah. I don't know what else is going on. I don't know why they did. Maybe that was for the Arab players or I don't know. They have B's, right? They don't have a B or maybe the Asians. A Bobo sounds Arab.

Yeah. It's got two B's and two O's. Oh yeah. It's a good boy. Well, they got the B.O. That's for sure. And the remote vibrates. If you jump on a guy's head, all of a sudden the thing vibrates.

My wife comes and my father's still gay. By the way, you mentioned you saw the movies in your father's gay. That'd be a good indie film. My father's gay. I mean, I guess you got to make it a good film. I guess you're right. That's the title I'm in already is what I'm saying. All right.

All right. No blips. No whammies. Go. So I don't know. I think I left you off in Glasgow or Glasgow. And that was wild. Just a lot of maniacs, Mohawks.

And we left there. We went to Sweden. Sweden. Oh no, you cut out. Oh shit. I cut out. I blipped. You blipped for one second though.

You're good. All right. Shelby's saying we're good. All right. Went to Sweden. You land in Sweden and you think, oh, I'm going to see a ton of hot blondes and tall people. And then you go to a Bert show and it just looks like blonde juggalos. It's just a bunch of fat guys shirtless with barbed wire tattoos and dirty jeans.

But he's got the best fans. They don't get offended. I felt like Bill Hicks or Patrice. I felt like I was in Europe and they got me. You know, like I'm doing school shooting jokes and pedophilia and black jokes. And they loved it. They ate it all up. They're like, we're not like these pussy Americans.

We can take a joke. You know. So that was nice. That's great. Yeah. And you could just go out cold and open up. And I think everybody there sucks at being humorous. So if you're like semi humorous and mentioned something in the front row or they go fucking

ape shit. It's interesting. Nobody's funny, but the crowds are better. Yeah. That's a good point. That's exactly right. Like you have in America, you have pretty good crowds, but everyone's pretty funny. But they're nobody's funny, but the crowds are amazing.

Yeah. It was almost like, oh shit, that did something. It's almost like when you show a black guy magic, you know, they go more crazy. Black magic woman. The black guy's not, they don't do magic. Well, how many black magicians have you seen? That's magic Johnson. That's one.

That's true. But he's not doing well. Well, I can't make his aides disappear. That's true. I guess he did. Really? Yes. He's fine.

He's still around. Maybe he made it up. Yeah, it could be. But yeah. Yeah. There's no black magicians. Can you think of one? I can't.

Yes. Good point. That's your Orlando magic, which is pretty heavily black. Yeah. Yeah. But that's about it. All right. So, so the aides are still there and just great time.

Then we go to Copenhagen and this is an underrated town. You hear Amsterdam all day long. You hear Berlin is cool and London and Rome. Copenhagen. One of the greats. Really? Because when we went to Copenhagen, we all hated it. What?

But maybe we were just in one shitty area. Maybe we drove through the bad part of town. I was like, it was all right at best. Well, here, here's. You guys must have been in the cool spot. We were in the cool. We were in like the old town. We went to the strip club.

Now the first, we had, this is our first night off in like 12 days. We had two nights off. It was insane. So we're like, well, fuck, let's live it up. Let's get a great dinner. We went up to this place called Fleisch and we got lamb and fish and steak. They have weird food there. We fucking ate it up.

And of course, Bert's doing to have another beer. And he's one of those guys like, you got to finish that one. Chug it. Come on. I'm gonna keep peer pressuring you, which I kind of like in a weird way. I'm like that girl who wants to fuck, but I make you, you know, try a lot. Right. Yeah.

But I think Bert and I would have really got along in my younger days. Oh yeah. And he can trash talk with the, he nails every kind. He's a comedy snob, which is ironic because he's shirtless. But he will shit on anybody. He's got great taste and he knows who's funny. Who's not. He agrees with everything we think basically about comedy.

No. Oh, that's nice. So we just ate and drank and drank. So we go, fuck it. Let's go to a strip club. We get the night off. So we go to the strip club called the Waterloo. And we're all excited to see some dancing ladies.

And here's the thing. Waterloo. I don't know. It's not a great name. Good song. Waterloo. Waterpoon, maybe. I guess.

Waterloo. I guess. I don't know. Maybe it's a, I think it's a battle of Waterloo. Wasn't that something? I don't know if it was a strip club though. I don't know. I don't know why they got the name, but either way.

So we, we go, let's go to Waterloo. So we go in the guys like, uh, it's a hundred Euro each. No, Kroener. Kroener. Okay. And we're like, oh my, you just hear a hundred. He's like, what the fuck, but that means 15 bucks each. So Bert's like, all right, I got it, but I got to get cash.

So we leave and while we're getting cash, we see another strip club. And we go, well, now that we've got the cash, let's see how much this one costs. So we go in. It's called Lady Love. And there's a, that's a, that's a strip club. And we go in. There's a private room where you talk to a big buff bouncer guy. He's all covered in tats.

He's got the button down shirt wide open. And he goes, uh, all right, this is not your regular strip club. And we're like, uh-oh, what are we talking here? And he goes, I just want to let you know it's a little more intimate. You got to get to know the lady. This is like a private date. And we're like private date. And he's like, yeah, yeah, you know, this is, you sit down with her.

You talk to her. You get to know her. You get in a committed relationship. You meet her mom. You know, he's just going on and on about committing. And you know, you, you, you, uh, feed off each other and all this shit. I'm like, we're like, what? We just want to see tits.

And so we just start fuck with the guy. We're like, so what does that mean? We're going to sit down and watch lost. And then she's going to tell me I drink too much. And I have to meet her friends and he's like, well, you know, and we just started howling like, you know, when you get one of those laugh fits where we were, we were all, we left there. We're just on the sidewalk, keeled over like, ah, we just keep one up in each other.

Like, because who goes to a strip club to meet somebody? He made it sound like it was a harmony. I guess maybe really sad guys or something. I don't know. I think so. But we're a bunch of fat Americans going, what the fuck? He's like, yes, yes, you get to know her. You learn her, her, her tastes and her hobbies.

And we're like, wait, what? And I think, I think he was basically saying like, you get, you sit down and fuck her for a bunch of money. But he was saying, he kept saying it and made it sound like he'd get into a committed relationship and then like, you know, you got to propose and then she picked, you know, picks out your, your, your, your, your decorating around the house and she takes this drapes. Yes. Yes.

And so we just, we're just one up in each other. Like, oh, you got to buy a rescue dog and then you name a child. And you know, she, she can't get pregnant. So you have to adopt and you know, you buy a home together and there's a Morgan. And we just laughing. I just half drunk falling down on the streets of Copenhagen. So we leave there. We go back to Waterloo.

Waterloo, we go in. It's pitch black in there. There's a bunch of couches and there's a stage with nobody on it. I'm like, huh, well, this is weird. So right when you sit down, three whores basically just sit next to you. And you're like, well, what's this? We want to see some dancing, you know, and put some dollar bills in a waistband. And they go, hello, how about you buy me a glass of champagne?

And you know, and we're like, well, how much is the champagne? Champagne is like 300 Kroner. And you're like, well, what do I get out of this? She's like, you get my company. And I'm like, I don't want your company. The worst thing you could give me is your company. And she's like, no, no, no, no, you get my company in the back room. And we're like, well, what is that exactly?

And she's like, oh, you know, you'll see. And I was like, ah, this sucks. And they won't take no for an answer. They got their knee on your knee and they got their arm around you. I mean, they're pretty hot. They're like Romanian skanks. But we just want to see dancing. He's married.

We had another guy with us who was kind of gay. It wasn't working out. But I don't know, literally, you got to buy him a glass of champagne. The champagne's like 60 bucks for a glass. And then they just keep giving you private dances. And I think eventually they blow you. I think that's what was going on. OK, that sounds not bad.

I know, but it's like, that's a lot of... Who knows how many glasses you got to buy? And we're in a, I don't know, we don't want to run out of money. So... Yeah, you just want to see naked people. Exactly. It was a lot of work. And they're getting clingy and they're getting all over you.

They're like, well, what is the problem? Don't you make good money? Our business man and all this. We're like, I don't know, I'm not a business man. And she's like, what do you do? I'm like, I'm a comic. She's like, well, tell me a joke. I'm like, look, I'm not at work.

You're at work. You dance. Yeah, you got to get to know me if you want to hear a joke. Oh, that's good. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Yes. What the hell's a gander anyway? So eventually they pester so much that Burt goes up to the front of the bar.

And this is old stripper of the bar. She's probably seen it all. She's been there since fucking Hitler. And she goes up, or Burt goes up and he goes, all right, I guess I'm going to buy a bunch of champagne. And she goes, don't do it. Don't do it. They're going to bleed you dry. They're going to pickpocket you.

They're bad people. And he's like, wow. Okay. This is weird. So Burt just whistles at me and we get the fuck out of there. Wow. Yeah. Did you see even one tit?

No tit. Nothing. Oh. Yeah. The girl did dance while we were talking to these girls, but you couldn't even look at her because you were scared to make your whore jealous. Well, maybe this club is aptly named. Waterloo.

Stunk. Yeah. Yes. We got the hell out of there. Can I just say the first place actually sounds kind of cool in a way. I like the idea of getting to know somebody. And then when you see him naked, you're like, oh, all right. Like if you saw someone close like an hour and then all of a sudden naked, you'd be like, holy shit.

That's exciting. That's a good point. But I mean, an hour, that feels like a lot of work. Yeah. Especially when you're running around, you're sleepy and, you know, whatever. Yeah. And you just want to, you know, see a can and squeeze a nip. But either way, you're allowed to touch there and I think you can kiss and who knows.

So, man, maybe we should have done it, but he's married and, you know, I'm impotent. So we got the hell out of there. We got drunk. Next day, we go to Kristiania. Is that a city? That is what they call a free town. It's a little neighborhood inside of Copenhagen that used to be a military base and all these hippies took it over. And they say, we're going to make this, we hate all the rules in this country.

We're going to make our own little town and we're going to border it off. Wow. Interesting. You want to come in, you got to follow our rules. And if you don't like them, get the hell out. It's almost like this socialist thing where they all help each other. They all grow plants and then they sell them to each other and they fix each other's houses and take care of each other's kids. It was wild.

It's a commune. It's a commune. Okay. All right. I'm listening. So we go there and obviously like there's all these signs like no photo, you know, enter at your own risk. We get in there. It's fucking skeezy.

There's chickens running around. It was so crazy. There's people just doing drugs. Right when I got in there, I saw a guy getting arrested. He was like getting patted down and cuffed. And they're like, yeah, the cops keep raiding the place because they know we're the only place you can buy weed here. And it was so crazy. So we go in.

There's a DJ spinning. It's all outdoors. And we go in and there's all these like, I don't know what you call it, like booths set up. We're like, you know, the kind of thing where you play three card money. It's just like a, like a, like a pillar and you shuffle the cards on it and a guy watches you. Yeah. Yeah. It was like that, but these guys would sell weed on it.

And then somebody would go, cuckoo, cuckoo. And then they'd all grab the weed in like two seconds and run. Wow. It was unbelievable. It was like a cat and mouse. Then 10 minutes later, they'd go, doc, doc. And that means the cops left and they would come back and keep selling weed. Oh my God.

This sounds like a magical place. It was magical. It was so crazy. It was better than Amsterdam. It was wild. There's, there's women running around with their boobs out and I snuck a photo and some guy goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. He just ran up to me, this hippie guy with a bunch of tattoos.

I said, you got to delete that. I was like, all right, I'll delete it. And he goes, and I'm going to watch you delete it. And then all his friends looked at me and I was like, all right, all right. So I pretended. Wow. He's like Val. Yes.

A comedy seller. But do they know, do people know when they do that there's a recently deleted thing? Do they make you go into the recently deleted and delete again? He had no idea. This guy had a rotary. You know, these guys are in sandals. They don't know, they don't know who's president or who's gay or who's the queen of England. They're out of touch.

Well, it's interesting because when you delete a photo, it doesn't leave your phone. So you might as well just go, all right, yeah, happily. And then you just go, but you recently deleted and boom, there's your tits. That's a good point. It's a good point. So Bert goes up and buys a bunch of weed and we just smoke it right there and we get all high. And then we go out to dinner.

They have canals just like in Amsterdam. They have that in Copenhagen. Nobody talks about those canals. They're prettier. They're like more, you know, well to do. So we had this nice dinner right on the water. We're high. We're drunk.

We had the night off. I took a photo on some of my Instagram of the canal and it was just a magical time. You wish you had a lady there. You know, that would be nice. Yeah. That's nice to miss your lady though. That's a good feeling. It is nice to miss your lady.

But you know when the sun is setting and you're in a foreign land and it's really pretty and the water's twinkling and you got a half a boner and a buzz, it would have been nice. But yeah, you want to kiss. Yes. You want to kiss and dipper and finger and the whole thing. But here's the problem. We've been drinking so much. We've been time changing so much.

We've been flying so much that I can't sleep. I can't get a good night of sleep. Bird hires a cameraman to follow him everywhere and the cameraman goes, oh, I got Ambien. You should take an Ambien. Holy hell. I'm hooked. Oh boy. I got a real problem, Jerry.

I can't stop taking Ambien. Well, there's a new FDA warning that it's bad news bears. Oh really? Fuck. I just watched the news that gave their highest warning because people go out and they make spaghetti and they drive motorcycles while sleeping and they have no memory. So you can be out there raping. You don't even know.

Whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You take an Ambien and rape. That's the opposite of Cosby. Yeah. It's a reverse cause. Oh. In effect.

But yeah, you got to be careful because yeah, people have been getting up and going walking around and they jump off the buildings and shit because they're sleeping. Oh wow. I didn't know that. So be careful. Yeah, you got to maybe bite it in half or something. Okay. Ah shit.

All right. Well, I'm out of Ambien so I'm on no sleep now. But I was thinking about getting a script from Alan, although he probably wouldn't approve. He can't. He doesn't. He can't write scripts. He's not a doctor. Ah, maybe I'll.

Is there a generic? Is there like a shit brand? You know? Like, you know, they have cereal in a bag. Is there that for Ambien? You can get Tylenol PM. Yeah, that's no good. What the hell is that?

Core on it. Down on the prescriptions. They're making it tough. Oh, all right. Sorry, I heard a quote. You could call Dr. Steve. Oh, Dr. Steve. Yeah.

Good call. He knows the game. All right. So we leave there. We go to Antwerp. Antwerp is underrated. It's in Belgium. I never really thought about Antwerp.

Beautiful city. Yeah, great art. Art city. Oh, is that right? Yeah, they're famous for their art. Art work. So we go there and we look like dumb Americans because we land off the plane. We're on no sleep.

We're half drunk. And we go, let's get a Belgian waffle. We're in Belgium. So we show up. We just walk around the town square going, you guys got waffles and they all roll their eyes. And they go, no, we don't have waffles, you fucking cunt. We're like, I thought it was all about the Belgian waffle.

It'd be kind of like going around New York going, you guys got Apple Pie? Right. So we looked like idiots. Nobody had a waffle. We ended up going to an oboe pan because everything was closed. A oboe pan. Yeah, there you go. And it sucked.

And then the show, that was the only hard show was Antwerp. Every show was lights out, killer, top to bottom, standing ovation. But this was the only show where they were like, eh, not great. That's because they want fine art. They're fucking art douches. Interesting. So it was sold out and, you know, packed out in a room. The venue was unbelievable.

But, uh, yeah, they were tough. Bert was like up there sweating. Oof. Yeah. But the food was, they have a Belgian stew that's to die for. And they have croquettes, which is like a fried cheese ball. And they're delightful. I feel bad because you can't eat any of this shit with your silent re.

No, I can't do anything. I'm over here drinking chamomile tea and manuka honey imported from New Zealand, which is about $40 a shot. Why, why, why manuka? Because that's supposed to be the best one. It has a healing powers and it's good for the esophagus and your asshole. I don't know. All right.

I'm doing everything they tell me to do and it's still not working. But I'll tell you one thing. Yeah. Let me just tell you one thing that I am doing and that way everyone should do. And I think you probably did too. I've been using my away bag. Oh, baby. I love these away bags.

Now you have one. They sent you one before, but now I got one and it's not a suitcase. They sent me a sweet backpack, got it in the mail and I luck as you know, my stuff was stolen recently. But this away bag is best thing that ever happened to me new backpack. This thing is the best backpack I've ever had in my life. And I mean it. It is so it's like it's small but big at the same time.

It's got all these extra pockets. Your laptop fits right in there and somehow it disperses the weight perfectly. It perfectly holds onto my back, onto my shoulders. And it's on so even. I'm telling you, you got to get in the way bag. I'm not just saying this. You tell them where to go. You can use promo code Tuesdays20, I think it is.

Get yourself in a way bag. We travel all the time. I'm bringing this thing with me everywhere. I'm so glad my last bag was stolen because away bag is the way to go. Yes. These pockets are killer. They call it a day pack. Yes.

Go pack Joe. Yeah, I love it. It's lightweight, big enough for your laptop. But wow, maybe I'll get one of those. I need a new backpack. But yeah. It's a beauty. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Away is the best. I love my away bag. It's a lightweight. It's durable. It's got the battery pack in it. It charges an iPhone five times over. It's got the 360 degree wheels. Love the away.

Love these guys. Duffel is out. Hate it, Duff. Lovin' away. This thing is lunch. For $20 off a suitcase, visit awaytravel.com slash Tuesdays20. And use the promo code Tuesdays20 during checkout. Hallelujah.

Go do it. Seriously, folks. Get on it. We love it. Anyways. Alright, so Antwerp blue dicks. Antwerp. The show was tough.

The food was great. The city was pretty. We got the hell out of there. You get no time in these cities. You know, you just in and out. You love them and leave them. I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I'm gonna. It's awesome.

Calm down, you love them and leave them. And the people are so nice and everybody's friendly. They're all very dressed well over there. We look like hell in America. We're in crocs and flip-flops and sweatpants. They all look stylish out there. They're all New Yorkers almost. Yes.

Sarah was joking when we was there in Paris. It's hard to figure out. Because everybody's dressed nice. Ah, yeah. Like here, you see a guy with sweatpants. You're like, oh, that guy's a douche. But over there, the mustard sweatpants guy, he's wearing a suit too. Exactly.

Everyone's got Ted Baker's over there. Yeah, you can't see who the slob is. It'd be interesting to go to Casino in Europe and see if there is shitfucks are at the casino. Yeah, probably. They might be at Waterloo. Waterloo. So we get out of there. And I think I'm missing a place, but we went to Copenhagen, then Dublin.

I might be missing one, but by the way, Copenhagen, best looking men on the planet. Beautiful men. Really? Oh my god, they all look like Jude Law, but they got that cherry blonde brown hazel hair with beautiful eyes and they all have cool sweaters and boots on. Have you ever been to Whitman, Massachusetts? Because they got some hot ones there. I have.

I didn't catch any. Sorry. But yeah, so we go to Dublin. Dublin's the last leg of the tour. He rents out a big Airbnb. Mike Calta. You know Cowhead from Tampa? Cowhead, I love Calta.

Yeah. Calta's a good egg. He comes out with his brother. Shane Torres comes out. The whole gang comes. In Dublin? Yeah, they just said fuck it. We want to go to Ireland.

There's two shows, two nights. We got a house. It's going to be wild. Wow. So they show up. We just have a great time. We do a podcast in the kitchen. We get day drunk on Guinness.

We do a show at Vickers Street. Vickers Street is one of the best venues I've ever done. I don't know why I didn't do it during Vodafone. I guess because there's like, you stay in that park, but just perfect. Like 1100 seats, balconies right up on your asshole. Seats on the bottom where they're standing up, jizzing on you. It was just amazing. That was one of the best nights in the green room was nice.

We're doing shots in the green room and drinking Guinness. I had a thing where I had a huge zit on my back and I kept talking about it. So all the guys pinned me down and popped it. We filmed the whole thing. It was pretty exciting. Oh my god. Yeah. Yeah.

It was a dude. This was a honker. It was like the size of a nickel. Wow. A nickel zit. Yes. Nickelback. Oh, shit.

There it is. Yeah. Nickelback. I wouldn't mind someone popping them. That joke was a dime. Look at this photograph. Oh yeah. Penny for your thoughts.

All right. Well, yeah. Just a great time. Great. I'm hurting. I lost. I probably took three years off my life. We go back.

We drink all night. We go out and Dublin. Double the coolest people. By the way, beautiful. Irish women are beautiful if you ask me. The most beautiful. We talked about it before. That blue eyes and black hair is my favorite look of all time.

But they get no love. I love it. It's always Sweden and whatever and Barbie and Malibu and Irish women. My god. Well, I think the image of Irish women is like pale and doughy, like red hair. Yes. Yes. But that's only my aunt.

I mean, most of the chicks there are hot. They get the dark hair, light eyes and beautiful women in Dublin. Of course, there's a few, you know, William Wallace is over there. You got your red haired pigs and freckles and yeah, yeah, it's rough, but some of them are striking and they're all cool and everybody's down to earth, salt to the earth over there. You know, you don't meet a lot of cocky Irish cunts. No. Good people.

Good people. They hate England. They want to break off of England. Brexit. I still can't figure that out, but I did a lot of Brexit jokes and they ate that shit up. So we're dumber than those guys. All the Europeans, they know where, you know, fucking Salt Lake City is and I can't figure

out Russia on a map. But just a great time. We go out both nights. I had a flight at seven in the morning back to Newark and we went out. I probably got 30 minutes of sleep, took an ambient, slept on the plane, the whole flight. I love ambient. Send me ambient, folks. I've got a show.

Adderall, Ambien, Molly, whatever you got, I'll take it, but we got a new drug on the list. Nice. On the Joe list. So. Yeah. And send me some pepsiday, some prilosec, and give this a Manuka honey. Manuka, yeah.

Manuka Joe, like Bazooka Joe. I got you. All right. Didn't need the second part. I wish I had a blip on the clarification. Yeah. Clarinet is another thing I could use. All right.

So yeah, I'm back. It's going to be back. The whole thing blew by. It was two weeks of debauchery. I'm back. And it's amazing is when you're over there for the first couple of nights you're going, oh, everybody's going to forget about me. I'm a loser.

I hate myself. My dad's a cunt. But you know, now that you're back, we'll go, oh, were you gone? And you go, all right, perfect. Nothing happened. Well, that's the thing. It's hard to see everyone for a month. So it's hard to notice.

But I noticed I missed you big time. I missed the pot. I missed you. But we just had a big blip. I don't know if you said anything complimentary, but I missed it. Oh, I did. I said a lot of things. Why do you keep blipping?

I hate these blips. I don't know. Blip. I kill myself. Blips more towards the end. The blips get more frequent. Frequent blip. Oh, geez.

Maybe there's a tiger or something. But anyways, I missed the hell out of you. I've been really, really depressed. I'm having a hard time over here because I got this reflux. I'm doing everything right, but it won't get better. It's getting worse, as a matter of fact. Oh, no. And I can't breathe.

This is where it bothered me. So listen to this. Please. I can't swallow food. I try to swallow food. The food gets stuck. I have to suck it back up and swallow again. Oh.

Then my voice hurts. Oh, go ahead. I was going to say like a baby bird or a mama bird. You got to spit it back up. I look like a bird. I got a beak and a bad jawline and a small dick and herpes. But a bird has been through the ringer. I got to spit back up.

And then my voice hurts when I talk. When I'm headlining, I produce too much mucus. It's all foamy and dry and itchy. Oh. And then I have trouble breathing because it goes to your lungs. I'm having trouble in three areas. Swallowing, speaking, and breathing all day. Jesus.

Good Lord. It's a nightmare. So I'm going back to an ENT next week just to get some mental farts. And then I'm going to a specialist, but not to the end of the month, the super specialist that costs $1,000 just to talk to her, Dr. Kaufman. She invented all these terms, but she doesn't have an appointment until the end of the month.

So I'm just losing my mind. Wow. Man, you got to get a specialist. It's like the movie. Alan, our therapist is like, you got to get some Xanax. He's like, I've never seen you like this. He's like, you're freaking out. You're having anxiety.

He's like, you've got to get someone to prescribe you some Xanax because you've got to rely in the meantime until you can see a doctor. You've got to calm down. Whoa. He never prescribed drugs. Well, he didn't. He can't prescribe drugs. He's like, you've got to talk to somebody.

Wow. He said, go to Freetown in the Netherlands. Where the fuck you were? Oh, yeah. Buy some of a titted lady. Christianity. But I'm losing it. I'm depressed.

I've never had real depression. I don't think. I am depressed. I can't even think about the future. I'm sad. I'm making Sonic the hedgehog jokes. I stink. Tales.

Wow. Jesus. I'm worried to get on the Xanax. You're going to become a zombie. You're going to be like Angelina. What's her name? And Nicole Smith. Oh, yeah.

Well, she was cool. She had a good run. Yeah. Good tits. But yeah, I don't know. That's why I said I'm reluctant because of sobriety and such. But he's like, this is a serious issue. You're fucking losing your tits.

So I'm trying to get it. Once I see the specialist, I got to go to an ENT again. I tried calling yesterday. He said all the same things he said before. I'm like, I'm doing that. I'm doing everything. I'm eating fucking baked potatoes and oatmeal and my mother's pussy and nothing. Jesus.

Well, something's got to give, right? There's other people who have this who are getting by. Why? Why? I guess you speak for a living. Maybe that's putting the pipe up your dick. That's part of it. But I've looked online and read Reddit and I've had people email me, fans.

And it's just one of these things. It's a fucking shitty thing. People all say it took me months. It was a nightmare. I tried everything. Some people need surgery. Maybe I need surgery because what happens is your esophageal sphincter gets weakened, gets compromised.

So it doesn't matter what you're doing. It just opens. Everything I eat, no matter how well it is, it just comes roaring back. And then it happens at night when you're sleeping. So the whole time I'm asleep, it's just piling up in my throat. So then all day I'm fighting that off. It's cyclical. So what's the plan, Stan?

What are we thinking? I've got to see a specialist. Hopefully a specialist will give me a stronger map. I'm taking over the countershit. I think there's some meds that treat the esophageal function or something. Or there's a surgery, baby. Who knows? I might have to go under the knife over the bridge.

I wonder if you can even get Xanax down. What do you mean Xanax down? Oh, yeah. I can swallow. It just takes the food, like rice, and it sticks to the back of your throat. You get sticky throat. It's really a fucking train wreck. This is horrific.

Wow. I didn't think, I expected to talk to you and you'd be figured it out by now and working with it and it'd be getting better because you're eating salads and ass. Well, that's the thing. Everything else feels great. I'm taking gigantic baby leg green shits, the most beautiful shits you've ever seen. Sure. I got six-pack abs.

I'm down to 129. I lost 75 pounds. I look amazing. Wow, man. But my head's too big. I have a big head. It's a losing weight. I look like a big matchstick.

I look like a fucking goofball. You're a candy apple. I'm a candy apple. That's exactly right. Oh, boy. It's not just the side effects or whatever. I can't eat. I got no joy.

No chocolate chip cookies. No hot dogs. No burgers. No soda. So I've lost all joy. I'm fucking, I'm playing Sonic the Hedgehog and eating oatmeal. It's embarrassing. Yeah.

Yeah. PS4. I know you've become a nerd all of a sudden. You're eating healthy and playing video games all day. I want to kill myself. Seriously. Where's the joy? The joy is a chocolate chip cookie.

That's where it is. I know. I'm eating tepsid like a fucking, like they're smarties. Oh, man. Poor guy. I bet. I wonder if this has aged you a little bit. Like you think it's made you wiser and cuntier?

I thought you were going to say one of its aides. Yeah. I think it's, I think it's aids me a little bit. I don't, I don't know. I'm fucking sad is what I am. But well, I'll be back. I'm going to see a doctor next week. And then like I said, the specialist who hopefully can help me.

I got, but I'll pay any price. It's going to cost thousands of dollars. But I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Maybe we should have her on just to get a full biopsy on lawn air. I think we might have different senses of humor. I'm imagining. That's true.

That's true. She might not get the, the aidesy, but hey, live, live up the 28th. What is that? Yes. Next week. That's the day I'm going to the doctor, by the way. That's the day of the specialist. Oh, great.

We get to hear about it live. Oh yeah. Tuesday, May 28th. Come to my doctor's appointment and then come to the village underground. Sell those tickets, baby. I got to tell you, I had one magical night. Please. One special night.

Let me, let me, let me. You need some magic aids at this point. Orlando magic. Johnson. Orlando Baxter. You know him? Orlando Bloom. He's terrific.

Very sexy. You know, Orlando Baxter is wonderful comic. Oh yeah. Black guy, right? Seven up guy. No, that's Godfrey. No, wait. There was another guy after Godfrey.

Oh, I'm mad. I mean, Godfrey was 30 years ago. No. Yeah. There was another black guy. He had big eyes. He was on mad TV. Damn it.

What was it? What was it? Orlando Jones. Shelby. With the help of the assist. Good pull, Shel. Shelbo. All right.

So I had one night. I'll tell you about that. It was really great. So I go, um, I'm trying to not, uh, I'm trying to read more. And, uh, but I forgot my book. I'm getting on the subway. I forgot my book, but I don't want to look at my phone. I'm trying to get away from my phone because all I've been doing is reading about reflex

like an asshole. Oh yeah. So I said, I saw a timeout in New York. So I said, let me grab a timeout in New York. I'll read that. So I'm flipping through and I noticed the Tribeca film festival is happening. And one of the things they have is they're playing apocalypse now at the Beacon Theater. It's just Ford Coppola speaking after the film.

Wow. And I said, I gotta, I gotta be there. I gotta see this. Now, something you may or may not know about, uh, Louis CK, that is his favorite movie of all time. Oh, interesting. So I go, I get this guy. He's got to be there.

So I call him up and I say, Hey, I know you're on vacation, but you got to get back here for Sunday. They're playing apocalypse now at the Beacon Theater and he says, Oh, wow, I'm coming. Let's do it. Uh huh. So I say, why don't you get the tickets there? Uh huh. What can I ask?

What are we talking here? How much is that? What's that damage? Well, we got some good tickets. So I think it was like 120 bucks each. All right. All right. We're like, we're like row E on the floor.

Wow. Good seats. Yeah. So he says, all right, I'll come back for that. I say, great. So we're going to get the tickets. So it's Sunday at five o'clock. I go for a nice walk through the park.

I'm trying to relax. I'm excited to see the show. We meet at the diner. Have a nice meal. We go in there and we sit in our seat and we just go in. These aren't in the old days, you know, Louis would have the connections would be backstage meeting the. Yeah.

So you know, you get snuck in, but now he's, he's below us at this point. Oh yeah. He's by tickets. Right. We go, we go right through the front door through security. People are kind of looking at him. Now, remember he shot a special there. Right.

So it's a bizarre feeling. Like he played the theater many times, shot one of his specials. Now he's like taking his change out of his pocket to go through security. So it's kind of bizarre. Fascinating. And people are like, hey Louis, you doing that thing? Sure. So we go in there.

We walk all the way down. We got a row E. So we're in the fifth or whatever that is, fifth or sixth row. We sit in their aisle seats, beautiful seats. The two seats in front of us are open and it's like almost show. Yeah. So then this couple walks by the four seats in front of us are open. And this couple that Louis knows, he's got like a, he lives next door to them.

They're like a movie producer. And they go, hey, great to see you. And they go, you know who seats these are. This is Sophia Coppola's seat right in front of you. Holy hell. So we start, we're like, oh my God, I'm like pushing. And come on. Ah, shoot.

We had a big blip. I missed a chunk. I told you, blips more at the end. Fucking good year blip. My aunt's fucking dirty asshole. Brutal. Sophia Coppola, did you hear Coppola? I heard Coppola that I lost you.

Sophia Coppola. So she's sitting in front of us. So right before the movie starts, she comes out, she sits down and she goes, hey, Louis, how you doing? They know each other. You know, everyone knows each other. Wow. They give a big hug and she's like, you're a girl, blah, blah, blah.

Kissing and hugging. I get to meet Sophia Coppola. Wow. Lost in translation. Yes. That's what I said during the blip. Oh. So, and I meet her.

Who's the lead singer of this? He's a French rock star from Phoenix who has the song listomania. Whoa. I had shirts that said listomania. So that's kind of fun. That's a small name. So I meet him. It's a tiny ale.

So then Francis Ford Coppola comes out and then like, we give a standing. Oh, we're like the first two of them. Oh my God, there he is in the flesh. I'm looking at fucking Francis Ford Coppola. I can't believe this guy means so much to me. I'm standing behind his daughter who's in the fucking Godfather. It's crazy. Wow.

So then he comes out and he goes, I want to introduce someone very special who was in all my movies in the 70s. He's in this movie. Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Duvall. Whoa. He's 88. He can barely walk. He walks like his shoes are tied together.

He can barely move. Wow. And he comes out and he goes, good. It's great to be here at my age. It's great to be anywhere. Everyone goes crazy. Yeah. And then he goes, and I just want to say, Charlie, don't surf.

He does this line from the movie and everyone goes crazy. Everyone's like, yeah. Oh my God, napalm in the morning. It was amazing. So he yells that they walk off stage. The movie starts and I've seen the movie 500 times, but never at the Beacon Theater. It's like a rock and roll venue. Wow.

The opening scene with the doors comes on. It's like, this is the end. I got goosebumps galore. We're like elbowing each other. We're like, this is insane. It's a huge screen, HD, and it's the final director's cut. He recut the movie. He's like, this is the final cut that I want, blah, blah, blah.

And you're watching the movie and you're like, it's such an amazing movie. Then there's like the Wagner scene with Duvall. Yes. And it's shaking the whole theater. Your legs, like it almost hurts your head. This is fucking crazy. Wow. It was such an unbelievable experience.

Unreal. And then after the movie, Coppola comes out. He does a Q&A with Steven Soderbergh, who I met at Louis' house. It's all full circle, full anal. This is ridiculous. You're a dick. Bananas. So they interview each other.

And Soderbergh's annoying. I hate this guy because he was annoying when we saw him. We all hung out that night. But Coppola is talking and the man is like a genius. And he's telling these old Brando stories. And it was so beautiful. He's such a thoughtful, classy guy, classic guy, amazing filmmaker. And he's telling these great stories about the industry.

And he talked about how he won. He's like, at the time of Apocalypse Now, no one wanted to make it. No one would give him money. He's like, I had five Academy Awards. Jesus. But no one would make the movie. Wow. He's like, I've made millions of dollars.

And he goes, it just goes to show the industry. They'll let you keep making movies as long as they're the same movie you already made. He's like, everyone thought I was crazy because I wanted to make a Vietnam movie. It was right after Vietnam. And they were just like, by the way, I'm running out of breath. I can't breathe anymore. It's annoying. Oh boy.

I'm like Coppola. I know. I hope we don't Coppola lose you. I hope not either. Sorry. Could have used a blip. Tales. We can't Francis Ford any more of those.

All right. There we are. But anyway, so then he said this, listen to this. This is one of those moments that I was like, I think my life just changed. Oh wow. He was talking and he says, you got to take chances. He's like, there's no art without taking chances. And he said, I got good news, everybody.

There's no hell. There's no hell. Interesting. And I got quasi good news. There's a heaven, but this is it. Whoa. And he says, so don't waste heaven. Whoa.

You got to go out there and you got to take chances because there's no art without chances. And he said, and what is any art that doesn't, that isn't personal to you? You got to make it personal or else what is that? Yes. And he said, so don't waste heaven. We all stood up. I'm crying. We're like, I'm pushing each other into the bushes.

I gave, you know, I grabbed Sophia. I had a headlock and I called my dad and everything's not true. But the rest was amazing. Wow. Don't waste heaven. If that's not a nugget, folks, that's a t-shirt. That's a bumper sticker. That's a tattoo right there.

I mean, it was amazing. And normally what happens is you hear these quotes on a podcast. You read them on a, you know, a Snapple fact or a tea bag. But to have the person, this brilliant artist who means so much to me say it right in front of me. What a moment. What a magical. I got goose dick just hearing that and holy hell, I love it. There's no hell.

That's what the Jews always said, by the way. They have no hell. And then afterwards, you know, Sophia turns around, we chat with her like how many times have you seen the movie and we talk. And I got to say, I said, I said, lost in translation means so much to me. And she's like, that's so sweet. So sweet. And that was beautiful.

And then afterwards we said, we got to go walk and talk. Talk to the park at night, Central Park at night. It's all lit up now. It used to be dangerous. And we just kind of strolled through the park talking about how much apocalypse now and the Godfather means to us. What a special night. And it was this beautiful, magical night.

And what a, what a film. What a filmmaker and what a thrill. Jesus Christ. Boy, I feel reborn. That got me going. I want to go out and live, baby. You got to live. Don't waste heaven, folks.

And here's a good way to not waste heaven. Contribute to the Patreon. We got, we got that long Bert Christ, you and Bert podcast on there. Yeah. We, we might have opened up too much. We got drunk in a hotel room and just shit on the industry. And by the way, I'm with Francis Ford, Kobe. Industry sucks.

They don't know what's what. Blow me. You got to make your own shit. You got to make your own way in this biz. Suck my ass. Yes. Hit that Patreon folks. Get in there and go listen to that.

And all the live episodes are on there, including May 28th at the Village Underground. That will be on there as soon as we're done doing it. So come out to that show and where are we at? Should I start plugging shows? I have no idea how long we've been on this episode for. We got about 56, 15 minutes. What? We're at about 50 right now.

So. Oh, great. All right. I have no, I have no concept because we're not in the studio. I'm on the phone just walking around like an asshole over here. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what's going on either, but yeah.

Wow. That is touching. I'm so glad you went. You've met so many people through the CK. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. Meryl Streep, Paul McCartney, Steven Soderbergh, Sophia Coppola. Well, this is what's crazy.

That's why I mentioned it, like the Sophia Coppola thing. We just bought tickets online. It wasn't even like we were in the VIP section. We just happened to be sitting behind Sophia Coppola. Yeah. It's pretty wild. One of the things about that is one, between you and me and my foreskin, I thought she would hate Louie.

No, no. She actually, well, I don't want to get too private or personal, but she's a big fan. I'll say that. All right. All right. She loves, she's a big fan of his and yeah, she was very supportive. She was like, you should be making movies. Oh, wow.

And two, pretty cool that she's still so into her dad that she's going to sit through a two and a half hour movie and listen to them talk, which you could just call them up. Like, if my dad makes a chili, I don't even eat it. Watches movie again for the 800th time. Well, I think she's a cinephile and it's one of the great movies ever. I think she's proud of her dad. I think they have a good family. They're like, she was there.

That's what was amazing. I kept during the movie, I would just look down because I'm sitting. Those theaters are so close. I'm like three inches from her head and I'm like, she was here for this. She was there. It took two years to film the fucking thing. It was over budget. All that crazy stuff.

And by the way, if you're listening and you haven't watched the documentary, which is wife Eleanor made, the Towns of Family called Hearts of Darkness, you got to watch it. I mean, it is one of the best movies of all time. And it's so inspiring. It's amazing. But Sofia Coppola was like four years old. She was there. Wow.

Five or six, I guess. And so she's watching this movie. She has her own childhood memories of like, I remember being there. I remember this part. Unbelievable. And like I said, a cinephile. And so that was pretty amazing. And then there was like people taking photos, like it's like Sofia and Coppola and Louie

chatting after the show. So people were like walking up and just taking photos like, oh my God, this is insane. Unreal. But it was pretty great. Yeah. That's quite an evening. What a great idea. If you hadn't had that idea, it'd be, this would be nil.

Well, yeah. He was like, I can't believe this. It's all because of the time out in New York. I'm trying to stay away from my phone. This is the benefit of not being on your phone. You end up finding things out. And if I hadn't forgotten my book, I wouldn't have grabbed the time out in New York. I wouldn't have noticed.

But it all came together. Special night, special event. And I love Coppola. I love that film. I love it. I love him too. And don't you feel like they know we're on the 48th Avengers movie. We're up, Game of Thrones, Dick.

Do you feel like we will never see an apocalypse now style movie ever again? There's no way that much energy, two years of making a movie. I don't feel like it's going to happen. Yeah, it could. But I don't know if it'll be as successful or as big. But who knows. But it's a special film. Go watch it.

What an amazingly talented family, by the way. Talia Shire is her sister. She's incredible. Nick Cage is in there. He's a nephew. He's not great. And then Jason Schwartzman is related. He's a cousin.

Ah, they keep it in the family. Wow, you wonder how these guys all break out. It's probably, you know, it's who you know. Yeah. And then Nina Rotet wrote the music. I think that was his mother or something. Jesus. Hey, Channel.

This is quite a kin. Kenny, kinship, Sam Kinnison. Yeah. Albert Finney. Ah, shit. All right. Well, Jesus. That's exciting.

I've never even been in the beacon. And let alone listening to an old whop talk about heaven. Oh, it's a gorgeous place. Special place, magical place. Hey, let me plug a couple of things. I want to make sure I get these out there. Out in Adam. Up in Adam.

All right. Hit us, Fat Man. I got some bad news. This Sunday, I'm at the comedy store Belly Room. He emailed me and he's like, you've sold about seven tickets. You piece of shit. Oh, boy. So hot dog.

You better get Allie Wong on that thing or something. Book Crystalia or somebody. I got Tommy Johnigan on there and Sarah. I don't know if that does anything for you. All right. All right. But it's this Sunday. It's a few days away.

And Louis was telling me, he's like, now people in LA buy tickets last minute. And I'm like, all right. I'm not doing the forum here. Right. But whatever. So if you're in LA, if you're listening and you're in LA County, for God's Sakes, it's an 8 p.m. show.

It's not that late. It won't be traffic. Two bags. It's Sunday. Belly. So we're on Sunday. It's Sunday. It's just a few days from now.

And next week, a week from tonight, I'm at Comics. Mohegan's son, May fucking 16, 17, 18. Mohegan's son in Connecticut. Come down there. New England. I love you. God damn it. How about those goddamn Bruins?

And then the week after that, Syracuse, your favorite Syracuse buddy. P.U. I'm with Steve Big Dick Rogers and his lady. We're all driving up together. Syracuse Funny Bone. May 24, 25, 26. Sorry to jizz into your salad there. But see if Steve Rogers is doing me.

Everybody keeps saying he's doing me. Get a feel on that and report back, will you? I don't think he's doing you. I think he's just got a shitty voice and he's got some good jokes. All right. I'll take it. He's a sweet, sweet guy. The only thing he's doing that's similar to you is having a huge cock.

Oh, well, that's a rewrite. I don't know where he got that one. Silent rewrite. And then Big Week. Last week of May is a big week. If you're all over the country, Sunday, I'm at Syracuse Funny Bone. Tuesday is the live podcast of Village Underground and my appointment with the specialist. And then Thursday, May 30, this is a big change.

I'm at Tacoma Comedy Club. It was fucking, it was Bellevue, Parlor Live, but they closed. Oh, that's right. That club is just closed. So we moved to Tacoma. So thank you to Tacoma. So please come out to that because they moved a bunch of stuff around so I could headline. So May 30th, Tacoma Comedy Club.

Come out to that. Get on the Patreon. Where are you going to be? You must be all over the... I'm all over. I think we had a Goodyear blip there, but yeah, yeah. Wow. I think we're okay.

Yeah. That's a good run. You got a good list. I got bad news. I want to give a shout out. A little moment of silent re is the San Francisco punchline is closing. Oh my God. Wow.

I know. It's the end of an era. That's like one of the great memorable, you know, staple clubs. Damn. Yeah. Google bought the whole, that whole compound there. Wow. That's too bad.

Yeah. That sucks. So that's a bummer. Had some great nights there. It's a great comedy venue and a lot of memories and history and Chappelle and Dana Gould and anal Gizqueef, but I won't be there. I'll be in Providence, Rhode Island this weekend. Friday, Saturday at the Comedy Connection, Fun Room, Fun Town, Fun People, Good Eggs.

Then I got Rochester with my fat friend, Chris Al. We got Buffalo. It's hometown. What's that? It's hometown. Exactly. Yeah. So he's going to bring out the high school blacks.

We got bananas at Comedy, Hasbrook Heights, Bananas in Jersey. We got DC Draft House. Let's sell that fucker out. Love that town. Love that room. Come on out. District of Columbia, Buffalo Helium. Some fun stuff coming after that.

Indianapolis in August, the new room, Indianapolis Helium. Check it out. Denver. Love those rooms. Oh, Helium's the best. Yes. Denver. This is one for the books.

Denver Comedy Co. No, Denver Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. Love this club. Let's try to get some sold out seats there. Sacramento Punchline, Addison Improv in Dallas, all kinds of good stuff. The Goobies again, Spokane and Tacoma, Washington, or is it Spokane? I believe it's, I don't know. They get mad about it.

I can't remember. Oh, good. Jeremy Spokane. I think it's Spokane or Spoken Word. I don't know. Roar Comedy Club at Springfield. I think I'm doing, what's that one in Worcester? Woo-ha-ha.

Oh, that's fun. I like that room. Oh, really? Yeah. It's small and intimate and nice. I like it. Little pizza place, nice hotel. I like that.

Oh, great. All right. There's a lot of gays there, too. A lot of Tuesdays. Oh, hey. Come out to Woo-ha-ha, folks, and ooh-la-la, side splitters in Tampa. So a lot of fun rooms, a lot of cool dates. You say, you name it.

We're being, you were co-headlining. You see that in late, late in the year. Oh, yeah. That's got to be insane. I believe it's. How do people come to that? I believe it's Santa Ana, New Mexico. Yes.

Yes. Some room, but somebody's shining upon us and really digs the gays and the Tuesdays. So come out to that. If you live in New Mexico, tell a friend, and yeah, I know it's a dry heat, but we'd love to have you, and we'll make you wet. It's December, December 13th and 14th, and think about making a trip down. We're going to do a live podcast and co-headline. So if you're a big-time Tuesday, when do you ever go to New Mexico?

Make a trip from LA. Make a trip from Colorado, from your mother's asshole, come down and see us co-headline and do a live pod in New Mexico, which is one of eight states I've never been to. So I'm crossing the state off. Yes. And we'll never be back. So this is the time to do it. Get in the way, bag.

Check out Laughable. We got merch on Merch Pump. The merch dad had a nice little spike recently. I don't know what happened. Some guy bought some for the whole hostel or even Mozambique picked up a run or something, but we got a lot of merch cookin' all of a sudden. And yeah, yeah, praise Allah, tell a friend, fuck your uncle, and blow your aunt. Yeah, I'm about to start urinating.

Thank you for listening and give me some reflux advice. Silent reflux, different than GERD. Yeah, can't wait to hear about Hoffman coming to the live show, the specialist. And bring me Ambien, bring him what is it called, Musatia. Oh, I can hear the urine. That's my tickle, that's my tickle, I got a good scream. That's pretty good for you, you usually get stage fright. Well, I'm holding it in like hardcore, I've been drinking a lot of tea and honey and water

and cum. What is it called, Manuka? Manuka, M-A-N-U-K-A, it's like 40 bucks, be imported from New Zealand. Wow. And it's supposed to be good for your asshole. All right, well, Sonic and Tails, over and out, and we hope we didn't copal-copalusea. Thank you. By the way, we got to do another phone or two later, because I'm not back until, I don't

know when. All right, well they're getting better, I think, and we're getting used to it, and I'll feel like I'll just never see you again. We're basically pen pals at this point. Yeah, we are. All right. Yeah. Over.