Tuesdays with Stories! - #297 Same Chung

Episode Date: May 14, 2019

Mark and Joe are checking back in to debate some Chungs before Mark high tails it out of an angry Jersey show before a race to the train while Joe travels to sunny L.A. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy ha no ads thank you okay you killed my bonus killed my boner show all right we're here we're keeping it in you sound like my ex she liked it when I just left it in after sex just hold it there like a docking a

ship oh that's how I like it really yeah I like to hang around for a bit keep it in there yeah she just wanted to hang out like a car in a garage and I was like I'd like to take it take it out and wash it she's like no no let it let it die in there maybe I wonder if it's a trick to get the upper hand because then by the time to pull it out it's all shrinky and sad that's exactly right when I pulled it out I like it was like a nub and I was like well what the hell I didn't need to pull it out just it just shrunk out now as soon as I'm done I put my panties on immediately I don't want people seeing that sad cock same same my balls

get longer my cock gets smaller and I walked in the bathroom I got no ass I got a hair and it's horrific that's a nice advantage of a vagina it always looks pretty much the same I mean sometimes it's bloody and bruised but sure most part yeah there's not a moment after sex for the pussy all of a sudden just looks like a I don't know I don't know what a cock like a sad cartoon nose wasn't there a cartoon we had a big weird tick nose yeah or Dilbert I think no it was a droopy or was it droopy I don't know droopy's a dog oh God it's droopy Gonzo remember Gonzo he had that turned up cock for a schnaz who's the

one that looks like my nuts you gotta give me something on Gonzo or else I think I'm crazy no no sorry I remember my thought but then I know I remember Gonzo he was wasn't he the drummer no that was animal animal right right did animal have a cock they all they all had the muppet babies were had baby cocks I assume but so I like a baby cock sure so do I they're they're unassuming I gotta say I'm reading a helter-skelter oh yeah phenomenal book but one of the Manson women they said she started fileting her baby like three weeks after it was born what she like had a baby and

just started blowing it oh wow why that's worse than stabbing a pregnant woman to me I agree I mean with a baby probably liked it I suppose yeah I mean I don't know how hard you can get as a baby what the hell was the purpose wasn't I hate to have two combos at the same time two birds at the same still but well wasn't there a cartoon where the guy was like worked in an office and he had a weird sad cock nose not ringing a bell the office with Dilbert Dilbert had a normal schnaz he was like a little square-headed dick but he didn't have a nose like anything

someone will send it to us yeah anyways yeah kid I don't know why what was it a it was that part of the cult or was she just twisted I mean obviously she was twisted but there must have been some reasoning was God in the dick well well Manson was Jesus and Satan at the same time oh I didn't know that he was yeah he was both things by yeah he was by sexual I guess yeah by God like what do you call that what's the umbrella that God Jesus and Satan are both under well I think theology yes by Theo these by Theo that sounds like a Cosby show yeah sounds like a brand hey these shoes are by Theo sounds like an episode of the

Cosby show Theo goes by he's like you don't go stuck in the dick you got to pass the women out first and then you blow all right past them out oh boy get them passed out knock them out there it is knock them out any who that that helps to help the skelter is some kind of book all right what's terrifying I love I don't I don't know if this part of the book but a you ever you ever looked up that Sharon Tate whoa smoke in the book of course beautiful lady well and then they started after she got murdered they started playing her movies again they came back out in the mood like she wasn't

a movie star she was just like a shitty movie actor she was in a few bullshit things really gonna break yeah and then getting stabbed to death with a pregnant belly was like her break wow playing her movies and like putting on the marquee the 60s were fucked up oh yeah oh yeah all all the marquees in town were like Sharon Tate movie people like oh let's go see her she's dead wow that's fast because you always think oh everybody's the internet and you got to go viral now it was the same shit back then you know Bill Burr had to get heckled by 10,000 people before anybody knew his name and she had to get stabbed in the

gut yeah it's pretty brutal they start time like they're holding her and then the woman stabbing her and like Sharon Tate she's like telling retelling the story the murderer woman and she's like yeah she just kept saying don't kill me I need to have my baby she's like I just stabbed her until she was dead she's like it was better than orgasming oh wow yeah fucked up bad people so what is the Beatles song is that about the book or is the book about the song or is the song about the baby what's going on the song came first they misspelled it on the frid they spelled out hielter skelter ah the bridge they're fucking idiots

now they're idiots yeah but no the Brits didn't misspell it the murderers oh oh well they're blowing babies out of the spellings the lease of the probe but yeah so they were Charles Manson want to be a rock star he was like a wannabe musician and he hung out with like fucking Beach Boys like Carl Wilson was up there hanging out with them it's all fucking hookey holy hell but I guess the white album was big because they wrote pigs and there was a piggy song on the white album and then health skelter was on the white album it was all topsy turvy and then goofballs it's a it's a fine book it's real it's not for the

faint of heart I'd like to know what what is a helter and what is a skelter if you don't mind me asking I'm not sure exactly I think it means crazy because the guy doc emrick the broadcast guy for the NHL he always when it goes when the game goes haywire he's like it's help the skelter down there which I find inappropriate you're like stabbing pregnant women interesting I never do that what's it's kind of like when people say oh it's a holocaust and you go isn't that the Jews and you're like oh wait a holocaust is a bunch of people dying yeah I think so I think it's like Kleenex you know or or or Sharpie where

we just kind of label it one thing but it's a Kleenex is actually a brand well the thing is that the holocaust it was six million so I think they just kind of they lay claim they're like all right we're the holocaust right someone's gonna top six million that's the thing good point good point yeah they got the Guinness book record of Jews gypsies blacks and gays and retards yeah great junior stop the joke oh really you know that bit now hit me oh well I want to just put a disclaimer that I'm quoting here yeah yeah this is not my thought my joke and call into a different podcast but junior stuff has a great joke where

he says they killed retards too we never see those photos I think probably because everyone in the photo would be smiling haha now that's comedy it's a humdinger wow that's a humdinger did Shelby laugh on that one he smirked and his vagina twitched so something happened but that's pretty good for Shelby okay all right can we can we talk about comedy for a second without getting to sure soapbox I'm watching 40-year-old virgin it just kind of popped up on my Netflix so I was like I'll just put this on while I clean my asshole and sure you know every it's 2005 that's when the movie came out every jokes about hey you

gay guy hey she sucks dick hey this guy's a homo hey you know just funny you know they do a black voice at one point they make fun of an Indian guy they make fun of a drunk chick she's passed out they grab a boob all shit you could not do now and I I'm talking to my gal and we're just like we're just talking about like how oh yeah the office has a lot of offensive jokes quote unquote and this and that and it's like hey how about this is just comedy like I know this is I'm not reinventing the wheel here but comedy goes for it I'm sorry if you don't like it get out like should we do that with rap should we take out the bitches

in the hose and the you know blow me cunt or whatever the hell they're saying suck my dick skank and ratchet or whatever like that's just hip-hop this is where it goes that's what comedy goes let's just let it let it be it's the arts let it be another Beatles tune yes yeah that's it that's comedy and that's what it's what's always been comedy I think was like invented by the court jester who was like trashing the king yeah I mean like you were saying a reverent things that's the idea of it but yeah and that's that's what's weird because Judd Apatow is very outspoken now about Louis making jokes but you're

like well didn't you make fucking weird jokes too maybe they weren't about death or murder I guess but yeah I don't know it's like that thing when people start yelling at other people you're like all right make sure that you're not doing anything wrong I know it's a strange time like and then there's the argument of like well hey they're allowed to hate that but it feels like it's seeping into the art more than it ever has where I mean I'm writing jokes going well I better make this about a white guy yeah but it was a black guy who did it I know but I don't want to bother anybody so now it's ruining it's taint

in the water baby taints oh it's all goofy but yeah I mean then you I mean that's just four-year-old virgin I mean look at blazing saddles and right shacking right but even but there was rapey stuff even in the dramas we've talked about it before I think the what's the carpet DM movie with Robin Williams that bullshit dead poet society yeah where he's like walking up to his sleeping girl and he's like carpe diem and he's kissing her on the mouth and stuff oh yeah the nerds has a rape in there yeah animal house well some things I think should be corrected though I like what maybe we shouldn't be raping

in like like looking back you're like that was probably a weird thing to put out there yeah yeah I know but but again it's that whole argument it's all or nothing but that's drama I mean jokes I don't really oh that's drama I see what you're saying the jokes of jokes I don't know what's what I mean but all crazy rape exists so somebody's gonna write about it you know like that's drama right very dramatic point was the dead poet society though they're not like oh he raped her they're like he fucking seized the day by kissing this sleeping woman who has a different boyfriend right right so that one's

fucked up the only issue I have with any movie ever is dead point society everyone else say whatever you want yeah yeah well it just I know we've said at 800 time but it's the comics going after comedy is the new that's the new twisting the knife of like goddamn how'd we get here yeah it's silly it's it's also just trying to they're using it to their own advantage they're trying to get likes and right right right right they're capital and then they're spreading the bit that they are offended by supposedly I'm thinking about it good point good point yeah they're they're giving it

exposure yes exposure this is this is kind of cookies where I'm back in the old studio I got the clock up here Shelby's at the desk I'm at the table you know I'm gay it's all it's all topsy turvy we're back in back in the old haunt and it's it's freaking me out a little bit that's what I had two weeks ago when you were in euro aha it was wacky I had to walk up there had the old photo and shit and the old Mike and I sat at your thing and it's kind of weird yeah we were there forever yes it feels like a long time ago but I guess it wasn't that long ago really yeah I guess not but I'm getting the heebie GVs and we've come

such a long way and I feel like the show's gotten better we've gotten gayer and yeah this would have we've six years running here it's about six years which is pretty unbelievable Jesus it's almost time to to blow our little dick no I think you're gonna say quit you don't want to quit do you know no I want to blow a baby no let's get a baby which oh that's big blow you up a little bit oh we lost you for a minute shit oh I lost you fuck dickless cunt shit are you getting me you're back now but you had a baby joke that just went kaput it wasn't even a joke it was just an idea we should have a baby oh yeah that's

not bad I'm gonna adopt Peter oh yeah he's already potty trained and can walk so he's halfway there I don't know I've never seen him piss in the toilet before that's true that's truly where's the diaper I was working with a comic you ever hear this guy Mike early in Minneapolis I've heard the name I think we're Facebook chums super funny guy he he MC'd at Acme and what we were very impressed he's got some great jokes all right a funny guy offstage where I was like isn't it crazy that people have sex with children he goes man I've never seen it that's great baby laugh I like him already he had some great great bits

he goes uh I mean I shouldn't say that part because it's really offensive to people but he has a great bit so he goes I bumped into my buddy he's like hey this is my rescue dog he goes hey that's my old dog this guy's got a hoot oh he's killer he had a few great ones always the other one we look very similar he's like a younger me I was killing all weekend because I would I would walk out and as teeth fine sorry I'm a different guy it'll be the biggest laugh I got in my whole set oh wow yeah I love that yeah I gotta I gotta Google him get my look see there are you folks check them out on YouTube it's early with an EY I

think EAR L EY oh EY what was some of his other what are the some of his other show yeah I'll think of some other one he had a few others that were just gold Minneapolis has all these killers I think that's such a great scene I know I know it's a good club well the club I feel like it what do you call it breeds breeds yes I didn't want to offend the gays but yes it breeds the the quality because that that Booker guy he really takes it real seriously yes Lewis Lee Lewis Lee but they got you got Chad Daniels and Cy adminsen and Mike early and Maria Bamford and Jackie Cation yeah a bunch of great Minneapolis

people yeah there's others too that I think I think Hedberg is from there but I don't know if he's an acme guy oh yeah I think he might be I think he might be as well as Bob Dylan yeah he's from Hibbing ah Hibbing and then the Cullen brothers of course some great artistry out of there some good juice oh Louis Anderson I believe as many as well oh well by the way grew up in the projects Louis Anderson in Minneapolis yeah well the white projects no kidding yeah for him yeah that guy sounds like a good project yeah yeah that one anyway so what what's what's shaking there a lot to talk about there

fatty I got I got some up some down some left some right so what do you want you want some some fun comedy stuff or you want a weird little tearjerker oh you give me options here yeah Rosa set yeah you could pick your own adventure all right give me a lie on the tearjerker because I've got some problems I'm all fucked up and I appreciate the fans reaching out and saying nice things but I'll get into my drama later but look give me a tearjerker like I'd like to be jerked yes drama no rape all right so I'm right you know back in the city the European tours over I'm running around doing sets back into the old routine I'm

late for a show I jump on the subway I'm having slept I got half a boner I get on the subway I got my earbuds in I got a lot of work to do on in the earbuds like I'm listening to sets I'm writing shit down and right when I get on there's an old old hobo like an old white guy covered in soot dirty clothes like crew cut bad skin like real weathered no shoes the whole thing and he's sitting in a seat going I'll tell you what you son of a bitch and you're like a motherfucker you know right right I'm trying to get some listening done here and this guy's two inches away from me sitting in the seat just going off like an old sea captain

and everybody's staring at him and you know I'm like yeah I gotta I gotta I'm on an express train I'm on the A train so that you got a minute between stops he just got to take it and little do I know two seats next to him is like this cool kind of black guy like dreadlocks glasses he's got a book open he's reading and he goes hey man what what shelter you in and everybody the whole subway car turns because like we're all trying to avoid this old white lunatic and then the black guy just starts talking to him like a human being and we're like what the hell so you know we just start listening and the black guy happens to

work at a homeless shelter like he's like the director of Brooklyn hobo central or whatever BHC so they start talking goes I'm at the the one the fucking the green point whatever he goes oh hobo shelters 681 he's like yeah 681 if fucking they got bad food over there he's like I know we're working on the food it's not great we're trying to get more funding and the guy's like yeah you got to get that that peanut butter sandwich tastes like fucking diarrhea and he's like I know I've had one myself they say it was amazing it was like they're having a real talk about hobo shelters wow he just happened to sit next to the

right guy it was insane now they're talking like you gotta go over to the Fort Green station that that one's better you get on this train and now they're bonding they're having like a real friendship it was amazing I've never seen anything like it every fiber in your bean when you're looking at a hobo in New York goes avoid this guy's got aids he's gonna piss on me he's gonna put his fingers in my mouth but this guy just starts chatting with them they become fast friends and he gives them tips on what shelter to go to is insane wow that's inspiring it almost makes you want to do volunteer work but not quite

not quite what are you shitting with I hear an echo I was there an echo? I don't want to get too graphic here I'm rinsing my hands I know this is uncouth but I was fingering a certain somebody moments before and I was holding the phone into my ear and I got a little whiff and I thought I can't perform like this you kill him the sound is horrific it feels like you're in a submarine here what do you mean? oh I was in the bathroom oh there we go now we got a now we're back oh I was in the bathroom I didn't realize the sound and it was your story so I thought I wasn't saying anything no please I just couldn't go on I had poo in my left left hand and and whatever comes out of a pussy on my

right so wow so you had a shocker going well here's the thing if you forget to wash your hands the next thing you know about meat and in grief and everyone's smelling my wife's business right right so I apologize you're sharing some kind of story yeah it was it was pretty amazing I thought uh I thought you'd I thought you'd appreciate it but you're out here washing snatch juice off your your mitts I do appreciate it and the reason I was watching it made me think that homeless guy probably smelled like an asshole he did it kind of it triggered me yeah yeah all right well that's gone but what are you talking about

listen I heard the story you you stopped it to tell me about the sound who cares about the sound well the audience is a little confused all of a sudden sounds like you're in you know the SS Nazi underground and you know I don't know but either way I'm sure we're trying I got it so social services yes social services SS I caught it but yeah so it's a pretty cool moment and I got off the train I had like a real alright I gotta make some changes I was I treated that guy like he was a lump of garbage and this guy actually spoke to him and he changed his whole life well so what do you do what do you do since I got off

the train and never look back I haven't done a thing we should do some volunteer work from Tuesdays with stories soup kitchen or something like that we make food for you know a pirate or whatever yeah maybe we'll do a live up in a you know in a soup kitchen and it's just riff on the soups what is that cream-based I prefer a tomato I don't like a noodle yada yada speaking of cream based I figured my wife earlier and then they all go yes exactly I gotta tell you we are doing service I'm getting all these emails from people saying I was gay and you straighten me out and I was sad and now I'm fat yeah well really

they appreciate so we thank you for reaching out yeah yeah I got I'm gonna save it for later but I got into some some great gifts I was just in providence and the Tuesdays they flocked out and they're out there in droves and I got some nice gifts some nice hugs a lot of a lot of female fans we had an Asian female fan named Connie Chung came out and she was like she was like I love you and Joe I'm seeing you here I'm going to Mohegan to see Joe I love the pod I wanted I'm a writer you guys inspire me I love your jokes I love your act I love the whole thing I couldn't believe it I was touched I hugged her wait Connie

Chung the Connie Chung she's just a little Asian broad named Connie Chung same name well I know it's pretty wild different Connie Chung are you sure it's not the Connie Chung married to Eugene Chung no by the way I think Connie Chung's married to Maury Povich she used to be married to Eugene Chung I thought the Patriots no they have the same name you cut out oh shit dick cheese in my asshole yeah yeah well her name is can you ask Shelby Shelby what do you got on that he's he's googling it now Connie chugging Eugene Chung or what maybe their brothers and sisters they might be brother and sister is he Asian oh yeah

he's a chugger an Asian NFL player I don't see that every day yeah that's why it was so crazy that's what made it such a humorous situation but yeah so just a lot of great give some guy and his wife brought me crawfish a to fay what the fuck is that that's a Louisiana dish and he brought it in a bag and gave it to me I ate it this morning for breakfast no shelf bag ziploc bag full of shellfish shellfish yeah that was that was shelf less of him yes yes he's a good guy so yeah just a great weekend but here's the cool news so Bert Kreischer we both fly into New York from Dublin and he rents a big brownstone in Brooklyn in Fort

Green three floors beautiful every comic is doing something's burning it was insane it was like me Ari Schultz Salvolcano Chris D. Yannis Bobby Kelly Michelle Wolf Dan Soder big J I'm blanking on the rest but oh Colin Quinn Nick DePaolo David tell Sean Patton it was just there's a three they come here was he there that's our photo of them all right well yeah it was just three floors of fucking comics I just showed up everybody's in the house his snacks everywhere there's camera shooting there's mics rolling it was the coolest thing was like a comedy fest in a one brownstone and Bert's like this is the

best weekend of my life I've had so much fun you New York guys are so funny you got and he had some great points he's like you guys are fucking crazy for not doing more stuff like this like LA is kicking our ass with the podcast world the video world and they're they're millionaires he's like you guys are the funniest people on the planet and you're not shooting anything he's so right a lot of life-changing things I think you're right we gotta be shooting for our patreon that's what we gotta do we should be shooting and I'm so bummed to have missed it I was in Minneapolis they asked me to do it and I was like I

can't do it what am I gonna cook in Brooklyn I'm in Minneapolis and I looked and I was like everybody's there all my favorite people it was like my fucking wedding party yes yes exactly we're there in the middle of the day everybody's hanging out we got people in headlocks and you know pushing each other down the stairs and just a lot of laughs and it was a beautiful thing and I asked how much of the house it was 400 bucks a day and it had seven bedrooms so you figure wow they're sleep the whole crew sleeps there they wake up to start shooting it's amazing it was so fun and I'm like we could be doing this we're sitting here

writing one-liners like idiots making no money and LA comes in and they change the game in one one weekend I know they do that with their podcast they all of the video I guess Lewis does that stuff over it right yeah no what's Lewis's called guess I guess guess yeah yeah um gas merch pump go to merch pump get our shirts yes yeah we gotta do more of that we gotta do some video stuff we got up the patreon folks if you're on the patreon we got more stuff coming we've just been on opposite coasts and different oceans and different lakes and you know yeah we got holes chasing waterfalls hose in different area codes

yeah so we'll be back next week I think as of next week we're back in the same place right yes we're back in the high life again all the doors that close one time we'll open up again yeah but anyways yeah we're gonna really up that so get on that patreon and suck your father's dick yes yes yes all of those wow it sounds like you're inspired you're like a new man I'm a total he could have had he could have had that homeless guy over his house green point that's true that's true I probably the same views as kumi at that guy but what was it oh here's a crazy thing last thing I'll say about krisher and my epiphany and

how we're making no money and not blowing up as we should be we're funnier than those guys but alright enough about that but uh yeah we need to blow we need to blow babies but I was with him we were drunk at like four in the morning is like ah I gotta do these dumb podcast reads I was like what do you mean he's like I gotta read these ads I'm like yeah just knock it out he's like that rather keep drinking I'm like I just knock it out he's like alright he reads these ads he's like alright stamps.com go get set boom away bag I love it away bag boom and he goes ah I just made 30 grand I was like holy shit that took 12

minutes what are we doing oh shit we lost you there uh yeah we're fucked I cut out I heard what are we doing oh that was basically all I said I think okay fuck we're back can you hear me we're back ah shit anyways yeah we gotta figure something out I mean I'm over here we're doing okay we're not doing that kind of business no no it took 12 minutes he made 30 30 grand what I made in 2008 he just made it in six minutes a drunk at a table man alright alright we gotta do it should we take our shirts off I think we should take our shirts off I think we should get tattoos I think we should

blow each other I think we should eat our own cum or something because we're missing the boat I know you hate the cameras but I feel like it's almost necessary at this point well we did a couple patreon cameras we just haven't been in the same place but the patreon's got a couple videos up there we'll do some more videos yes we will film the live episode on May 28th sell it out that'll make us some money yeah I will I will spring for the cameras I bet Ari's got some shit in the closet or his dad's in a closet whatever I don't know we just I bet we can get some go-pros just put them up my apartment strap into the

TV send it all to shellbow knock it out where the cameras there you go yeah and then we can film you fucking your lady and that'll get us some patreon yes she would enjoy that she's basically a cam gal oh no kidding she that's her dream job really geez well that's an easy job to acquire I think yeah that pretty lucrative fuck yeah all right well I'll talk to her I'll email her agent please so yeah so here's a little nugget so me and Sam are doing a podcast oh tell me yeah yeah not to get weird but so you know I'm on this Europe tour and me and Sam are texting jokes the whole time like is this anything is that anything and

this is like unheard of to most people and Bert's like that's a show you guys should make a show out of them like who the hell's want to see wants to see us texting jokes he's like no just you two sit in a room bring ideas in and start riffing and I'm like yeah you and I did that podcast we did yeah remember we courted it just a tweet we recorded it with Marcus Parks oh yeah we had a sound that was just a tweet we go that could be a bit of that's a big one we had a that's a carlin remember we had oh yeah well do it with him you're out so well shit I forgot all about that yeah we had this idea already and did it

10 years ago geez well you want in I'll give you 12 percent yeah no I'm out yeah it's gonna be a lot of work it's video and we gotta find a sponsor and we gotta find a place to do it and a place who's gonna shoot it and all that so it's not nothing's written in the anal yet not do it with Marcus Parks at the creek yeah that's not bad no where we did it I know I'm joking but uh yeah all right well now I feel weird yeah it's a bummer ah geez I forgot all about what can you do all right well you want to do it with us ah no I'm out I'm out please do it with it because it's hard to fill an hour with

two people I know that's why we stopped doing it yeah came up with this idea came up with a better idea well this is a hot show too yo yeah this is hot all right well it'll be big it'll be great this our days are numbered clearly oh geez well this is ruined it's all over I gotta go I'm gonna go volunteer at a homeless camp yeah yeah well film it it's all film it's all it's all something it's all yeah well we gotta make that LA money this is a real LA move oh yeah you're out in LA I am it well I'm in Manhattan Beach right now so I'm kind of still in the city Manhattan oh yeah I'll take that that's a pretty area this is a fine beach by the way oh fine beach I think it's one of the most

have you heard this about 10 different times the most expensive area code I've heard Beverly Hills I've heard Manhattan Beach I've heard the Hamptons I've heard I've heard the Upper West Side Upper East Side uh-huh so I think that's the thing that people just throw out there yeah haven't you heard that a lot I hear that all the time but who's gonna check it how do you check exactly South Beach is another one you hear oh this is the most expensive property in the world right right so where is it maybe we can get Shelby where's Eugene Chung live and what's the most expensive uh Connie Chung I hear SF is a is a high it's always SF for me that's the big one I hear here well now that's expensive with taxes and shit but I don't think like there's a neighborhood

because Manhattan Beach has to be more expensive than San Francisco I mean there's like I don't think so 40,000 square foot homes on the ocean uh that's true what about Malibu Malibu is it ah you cut out fuck what'd you say I do say that again the Hamptons too is it the Hamptons have Shelby Google most uh area code or whatever most expensive lucrative what do you got Shelby most expensive area code he's touching it with his scary zip code which fingers yeah zip code zip code not area code I forget does Shelby have a microphone I think it's he's got no mic he's got a mic but I think it's uh just made a wood oh boy yeah I'm Dutch Mike yes yeah that was a stretch I was wearing clogs uh it's an Amish Mike oh well let me talk while he's tapping the phone there

he's on a little phone machine okay uh so you know me I can't say no to a gig or to a man's dick but uh some kid asked me to do a show out in Jersey and I said yes boy you do a lot of those Jersey gigs well it's a couple hundred bucks you figure I can do an hour I'll kill for a bunch of yokels it'll be fun and you forget you gotta get on the you gotta go to Penn Station you gotta get on the New Jersey Transit during rush hour you gotta take the hour drive you get no seat you know or the hour train ride you get out there some kids gotta pick you up he's gotta bring you to the gig that's 20 minutes then you get to the gig the gig doesn't start for two hours 18 comics go on before you you get heckled for three days then you come back you hate yourself you miss the

train you gotta take another train it's a it's a whole rig of a roll uh-oh did you cut out and you die I don't know I was waiting for you to respond oh oh shit sorry it sounded you were in a full breath still I thought it just the phone cut out oh fuck this is the worst episode ever no it was going good ah fuck I'm gonna kill myself ah gee we gotta get back in the same room there fatty I know next Monday you home next Monday I'm home and I'll be just I'm gonna sleep in this studio actually it's gonna be an all-timer yes all right whole Shelby's got an answer what do you got Shelby San Francisco come on wow but that's the one of all these places I just named that's the one I've never heard I hear that one

about the Hamptons yeah you gotta you gotta a countdown list there because that'd be nice sorry he's back on that's where it doesn't make sense because you have like Billy Joel's house was 30 million dollars so like are there a bunch of 30 million dollar homes in San Francisco yes that's the thing is Billy Joel's house is a giant house on a big plot of land San Francisco is a zillion sky rises that are 30 million weird you know it's like these giant apartments and there's 800 units so they're all billions but he's right but we're not talking most money total paid we're talking like average home aha right right it's confusing good point because I feel like here's the difference too in San Francisco we know comics that live in San Francisco right we

don't know people that just live in the Hampton like there's like apartment you can get an apartment for 2,500 a month right in San Francisco right there's nobody paying two grand well maybe you know maybe in San Fran they're uh they're counting like the whole Silicon Valley because if you go to the whole Silicon Valley you got Google fuck ups and uh you know Yahoo dicks those guys gotta have some big houses interesting because I feel like you and I could go to San Francisco and live there I don't think we could live in fucking West Hampton right right well hold on Shelby's got some lips here oh is that number two so number two and three are Suffolk County and then New York New York is number three

and then Santa Monica and then Palo Alto which is uh which is Silicon Valley yes interesting yes yahoo all right all right we're learning did he get anything on Eugene Merman anything on uh Eugene Levy the he's retired the chunger Eugene Ogari Oregon but was he married to the fucking was he fucking his sister or was he married to his mother no relation no fucking no nothing is he Asian Korean descent NFL I'm Eugene Chung was related to Connie Chung for sure he's Korean descent what kind of Korean is in the NFL is he a kicker or a water boy or did he make I think he was an offensive lineman for the Patriots but my memory is mush now because I got reflex he must have been a gardener he was a guard I think I've never heard of a Korean

NFL player this is blowing my mind but uh good for him diversity get out there was he north or south he was six foot four I pulled it up myself aha he was six foot four not related says the shellfish he won a Super Bowl what he was it's 49 295 pounds wow did he have a regular helmet or was it triangular and circular at the bottom offensive tackle and uh that Virginia Tech they changed the fight song to did they would they want to dump green tea autumn I guess somebody must have told me at some point that uh you got penalty for chopstick chop block I like I like it didn't quite work but anyways someone must have told me that he was you know fucked by uh blown by Eugene I mean Connie yeah I just believed it because I was 11 ah well I already got suspended for trying to eat

Jerry Rice all right we're having fun all right petty who Vietnam all right well there you go that's exciting so a little bit about me I hate when comics wait for Jersey aren't you still in oh Jersey I forgot about it so now I go out there and a kid picks me up now this kid's name I don't want to say it wrong I believe it's Tom Zappia or Tom Zappia Italian broad good looking kid he picks me up he's a Tuesday he's a fan he goes hey he hits me up because I see you're doing the show in Jersey will you do my podcast before the show and I was like yeah why the hell not I'm in Jersey he seemed like a nice kid I go out there early I do his podcast that takes an hour and then the show starts it's in the basement of a restaurant in a summerville New Jersey the the the guy who put

it on a little squirrely guy named Danny very nice guy Jew and he's trying to run a tight ship it's sold out and I look out in the crowd it's a Fisher Price Mike look out in the crowd it's a bunch of a couple of comedy people and then just like old milfs like okay rich yeah rich hot blonde ladies who were probably hot in eighth grade and now they're uh you know a little over the hill a little little weathered but you know still they're like cocktail dresses and shit like they got some they're probably married to a dentist I don't know so the the host the host goes up he's this nice kid funny kid does pretty well but they're just yelling at him they eat it's one of those things where he gets heckled immediately and you're like god damn this is going to be a tough one

then the second guy goes up middle eastern guy he's very funny I wish I could remember his name but he starts going fuck you guys this sucks what am I doing oh shit then a gal goes up she was okay but everybody's kind of going you just gotta ride the wave you got a riff and raft so I go up I make fun of them for like five minutes and then I go into my act it's working and then write it like the turn of when you want to start talking about what you want to talk about instead of just doing quick one-linery jokes they just check out full conversations just talking at full volume these ladies and everybody's doing the thing where they're turning around doing the the stink guy you know the half turn oh I turn around the stink guy yeah they hate these women because they're just

going oh what are you getting you getting the apple teeny are you getting the tartar what's going on here you're like shut up Jesus you whore we're not we're in a tight space there's like 50 people in here we're basically in a subway car with furniture you know so I fucking lost it on them I call them all cunts they all leave it got really ugly and I was like you're gonna die alone you know you're old you're gross shut up you suck and they're they're fighting back now now I'm all pissed I'm sweating I leave and they're yelling at the manager and the manager yeah this is a tight restaurant so I gotta walk by him it's super awkward they're just like how dare he say that who does he think he is he can't talk to us like that and he was like I don't know I wasn't down there man I'm trying

to run a restaurant and I was like shit I had to like squeak by him now they notice me they go there he is there's the guy so I'm like you know it's these scary rich ladies so then I'm trying to get the hell out of there and everybody goes hey man I love the pot I'm gonna get a photo so now I'm taking photos and they're waiting while these kids take a photo with me to yell at me oh man so they're not yelling during the photo that's nice I guess they're just standing there tapping their feet with their arms crossed going all right once that third photo is done we're gonna go in so how old are we talking are we talking 30s 40s no 50 52 I'd say is the mean and they were yeah that was the median I meant to say what is the median the median and the meridian what

there's three of them right uh prime meridian is p.m. I uh yeah well what's a.m. amateur moth uh okay uh um prime anal mustard yes good it's brown spicy uh what what do you got you got meme median and minutia there's a median is the collection yes uh Mars Mars bar now that's a planet that's Pluto that's jackson Pluto's out now by the way he's a dog yeah yeah goofy was goofy a dog because why could Pluto not talk as a dog but goofy could talk uh I don't know Pluto couldn't talk I haven't seen it in a while Pluto was just a dog who was like on four four legs barking whereas Pluto do goofy was a dog but he was like how you doing Mickey I don't know I haven't seen it in a while I'm gonna go back in there and watch the program yeah I'll send you a link all right so

either way I see these gals eyeballed me from 10 feet away so I'm I'm like all right once this Indian kid gets his photo and puts on some deodorant I'm just gonna be lined it out the door and get the fuck out of dodge and uh this is this is why I bring up the story because this kid Tom the kid who drove me from the train station to the gig 20 minute drive he's waiting outside and he goes hey you need a ride and I'm like yes yes let's go boom because you know you do these gigs you just want to get out of there they always want you to hang out I hate to get hanging out I want to leave like Dylan yes swoop me out the back door put me in a helicopter and get me the fuck out of here so but you know I want to say Danny was

very nice everything was run well but these gals were giving me the jizz face so I jump in this guy Tom's car and we're talking about comedy he's a great guy and we're just you know I'm like all right I'm out of there you know I feel like I'm off the last chopper and I made it out I'm home free the heart rake can slow down a little bit and uh he goes hey what time's your train and I go oh I don't know I figured it'll just come you know it's a New Jersey transit he's like well after 10 they're kind of shitty and I was like uh oh boy oh shit so I start googling train times you know and it says uh 10 37 I look at the clock it's 10 33 he's like oh we're 10 minutes away and I go oh boy step on it fatty so he hits the gas and we miss it by like two minutes

oh that's not the way I thought that was gonna go yeah and it's a good hour and a half train ride back so now the next train is at like 11 48 so okay that's an hour wait on the cold dark dank platform you know so I was like fuck so he goes this is why he's the MVP he goes all right the next train stop is at middle six or whatever the hell it is I bet we can I bet I can beat it and I was like oh yeah I remember doing that in my early days follow middle school so uh I was like hey if you think so and he goes buckle up dickless he pumps that that stick back he pulls the yoke he just zooms out of there we beat the train it was amazing it was like we were we were driving next to it like it was the Calvary no just whizzing by and we

fucking the french connection yes the connection so uh hackman I'm a hack so we get in there I run up those stairs I make the train back it was a beautiful thing wow unbelievable well Tommy's app yeah I gotta give Tommy was it Tommy I gotta give him a shout out he really saved me because most people they they're closed minded they're they're just go ah you missed it you suck you're gay but he was like now we can we can make this work very positive thinking I love that I hate I've been that guy too on Tommy's end too where the guy misses the train now you're just stuck with them he probably is a fan so it's exciting he's like oh I get more time with Mark but I've been in that position where you drive someone they miss the train and then you're just like oh

now I sit with this asshole I want to go back to my life yes good good on him but maybe that's why he didn't want to hang out with you any longer I hey I get it and I trust me I felt guilty I knew I was that guy in the moment and I still was like all right I guess I'll just wait it out or what can we do and he was like no we're gonna make this work and that's why I really appreciate it because I would have wanted to kick my fat ass out of the car and close the door behind me and peeled off but he was he was a better man than I tried to give him some money he wouldn't take it and I made it home so thank you Tommy I don't know if you're gonna hear this but he's got a podcast I want a plug called keep it basement you know and he's had he's had some fun

guys on Andrew Schultz Gary Vee the whole lot of them so appreciate that Tom you're a you're a you're lunch in my book no wait Tommy I hate these gigs we have to make a schedule I know you're gonna be off stage and there's a delay and then you're like you're not gonna make your train I hate that yes yes exactly because oh you cut out ah shit in my mouth fuck my asshole hard fucking cucumber damn it pool floats in my fucking cunt yeah well that's the thing is the the host the guy running the the whole shebang he's like all right I gotta get this guy on stage I gotta fill the room and then that's it he's not thinking okay after the show he's gotta catch a train he's gotta get back to his house he's gotta fuck his wife you know he's just thinking

about the show so like there's all these factors that they forget about and that's that's not his problem I guess but it's it just sucks for the for the comic a little yeah I've been there it's not not pleasant a lot of those Connecticut Jersey Tristan area gig so you gotta make the Long Island railroad or whatever the fuck yeah so but just to wrap things up I know you gotta go get you gotta check out of your uh four seasons there yeah I'm in I'm in the wind drift here in Manhattan beach oh that's right I gotta uh yeah I gotta I got a big week here I've got uh Sarah's doing the late late show by the time this comes out I came out last night she was on last night everybody yes go to YouTube go check it out I'll retweet it she'll tweet it she's on the late late show

it's always weird plugging a thing before you do it I'm like I hope it doesn't go horribly I know I know yeah but it's it's a hot crowd you've done it you know it's super fun you're gonna hang out in the green room I assume yes I was just there like two months ago yeah I had my water bottle I had my late late show water bottle that I was using that was stolen by fucking Eugene Chung out in uh the fucking silicone valley uh-huh fucking rich area code my ass they got my water bottle so I'm going back just to do the get the water bottle I'm not even watching her set you're gonna get my water bottle and leave cunts yeah get it that water bottle have fun get some free snack you get to go there and just kick kick your feet up your laxative days ago Lucy you got you're not on the show

it so you can just enjoy it but here's the thing I get more anxious because I got no control you want your wife to do so I'm nervous for her I see at least when you're doing it you can be like all right let me just calm down silent ree fucking meditate shut it up right and then I'll do it but with someone else you're like oh my god I fucking it's it's it's helpless it's like a feeling like a parent right right you're at the soccer game and your kid's got a bad knee yeah exactly so uh I'm nervous about that but it'll be fun and then we're gonna go out afterwards in and out I can't eat it because of silent ree I really want to kill myself to be honest ah yeah you're having a rough go at it fatty but can you say the big news or is that uh secret well now it's not a secret and I'm

doing that same day two days from now the time of recording but right now as you're listening to this I'm on the Joe Rogan the Joe Rogan experience wow that's one of the big ones boy I mean this guy's done Letterman Fallon Netflix Comedy Central but I feel like this I don't want to jinx it but this is the one that's really gonna make a splash I hope but here's the thing I've thought that's so many ah you're right Netflix I thought that with tonight's show I thought that with fucking your mother I thought that I thought eat my own come I'd do that but nothing nothing's quite broken it yet so we need that Christ your money hopefully this helps yeah but it's I don't know when it comes out he doesn't do it live anymore so I don't know when it'll come out I might stink

and then he cans it or something but right I'm doing it Tuesday at 10 a 1 p.m the east coast time so at the time of your hearing this I'm on the show shitting my pants hopefully my voice doesn't give out yeah I bet he puts it right out and I bet it's gonna be a humdinger it's gonna be lunch you got a ton of great stories you got some ups some downs you're an underdog you got herpes your action packed bad teeth the whole thing the whole thing worse than uh Mike Earleys that's what I heard but uh yeah yeah it's gonna be great and good good for you what a cool showbiz weekend like or week if you were in the 90s you would be running the fucking castle I mean you're going to the studio with James Corden where you just recorded your set now your wife's doing her set

now you go in the row I mean it's it's it's it's insane that you're not a bigger comic isn't that weird that's exactly hopefully it turns around I don't know we'll it we're starting to make some progress but still not like what I'm doing the comedy store tonight Sunday two days ago my agent's like we're at 16 souls I'm like you gotta be shitting me wow what is that the Tuesdays are always going where'd you come in LA when's LA well he's in LA you cunts well it's funny too is I keep getting I'm like in my mind I keep getting all these comments and tweets being like hey we can't wait see I'm like hey we're doing all right but then you realize 100% of the people who're coming have emailed you're like yeah exactly 20 people right right with 20 comments on Instagram seems

nice but well we'll turn it around it'll get this all a slow roll yeah yeah you get you get your walk-ups and your jizz ups and your chin ups so Connie chin you'll be all right and that's a tight little room you'll get some some randos in there and they'll like you so I think it'll be a hot when you get your own room at the comedy store I mean yeah it'll be fun pretty cool people too whoa something crazy just happened what happened your voice just sped up like it was a fast forward like Mickey Mouse you went you got the wrong thing on the comic store oh I didn't hear that fucking whacking boy I don't know if uh I don't know if that was the phone or if they're gonna hear that but it was all sudden it was like you were coked up wow well maybe I'll try it Shelby said we're good

but uh who knows what what's cooking who knows what the audience is all right it was it was goofy well all right well uh boy we gotta uh I guess we gotta start to wrap up just wrap it up put on a condom let me just say I was at Providence thanks everybody who came out I got some Chipotle I got some hugs I got some photos thank you again for the a2fay Doug Key killed it we had a great night and uh I'm gonna be in uh Rochester coming up with my fat friend Chris Al I'll be in DC we got the live app on the 28th don't forget about that we gotta sell that puppy out we got some cool guests uh bananas in Jersey uh DC draft house I mentioned that love that one comedy in Buffalo helium in Buffalo love that club love that town good people then we got the woo ha ha and work chat is it

Worcester mass Worcester yeah it's spelt a little fucked up they're a little fucked up out there go Bruins go brew go socks then a comedy club helium in Indianapolis everybody's always say when are you coming to Indy well that's Indy baby and then the big one the the white whale Denver comedy works one of my favorite cities one of my favorite clubs one of my favorite weekends Sacramento punchline love that room Addison improv in Dallas uh all kinds of fun stuff mcgooby's jokehouse in Baltimore Spokane and Tacoma a lot of fun stuff Roar comedy club in Springfield mass so I'm all over east coast west coast analgesqueef fuck your dad where are you gonna be there fat man by the way what are we doing with skankfest by the way you guys double

I fucked up I got DC I forgot about the the I can you do a Sunday how do you feel about that did I just do a Sunday if they can do a side you reached out to Lewis yet I'll do all the reaching out I fucked us in the ass so I'll talk to the Puerto Rican snake all right we're gonna do a Sunday hopefully people will come out on the Sunday yeah last night maybe we do a Sunday day or something I think we do a day because everybody's gonna be recuperating will be a nice little day treat for the lunatics out there all right all right I like that our fans are pointing out our double book that way uh fucking comedy artwork Brian yeah well done guys but this this weekend oh keep an eye out or an ear out or a dick out for uh Joe Rogan experience and uh this weekend

two days from now Mohegan son Thursday Friday Saturday Sarah and I will be there go watch Sarah's late late show set yes and then next week and Syracuse funny bone with Steve Big Dick Rogers and Caitlyn not sure about her vagina Palufo and that's gonna be fun Syracuse funny bone with those two uh and then uh May 28th the live pod you mentioned it May 30th one night only OTOTO one time one time only Tacoma comedy club that's gonna be fun please come out they moved things around for me because that other club fucking closed last minute so come to the Tacoma comedy club that weekend and then June I got a bunch of shit there's a bunch of stuff in the on the website comedian Joe list dot com join up for the patreon we're gonna be back together soon

the panel we're back to normal and we're gonna have a bunch of extra stuff so come on out and suck each other's dicks and fuck your mother in the ass yes god love you yeah see that live app good listen to Joe Rogan oh also just a fun plug uh Andy Samford just did the late show with James Gordon and it was great funny guy underrated comic and Phil Hanley just killed it on the tonight show so if you want it it was amazing if you're looking for a couple of yuck em ups check those out on the tubes of you and uh enjoy that and email them they'll they'll appreciate their careers are in the toilet all right thank you fatty and we'll see you hopefully next week I want to hug you yeah monday let's do monday monday evening all right we'll figure this out off the air

you've got it all right thanks gays uh praise all uh Shelby shungie connie