Tuesdays with Stories! - #298 Reese's 3-PC

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

Yes folks, Mark & Joe are finally back together in person as we hear about Joe's Starbuck's confrontation & Joe Rogan filled trip to L.A. and Mark's shrooms & Andrew Dice Clay filled trip to Ohio! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy live and in living color and I never knew what that meant by the way it means just color in living color why not just color because it used to be black and

white then all of a sudden it was in living color holy hell it's just a nice way to pop it so it's like an adjective the living is an adjective yes yes and a person living ad in living color yeah well we're living color right here ironically a black show later hmm later in living color was a black show oh right right I was a great show when I hear a living color I think of that so do I which is weird it's almost like when kids now here the kids here that's different I don't know my dick fuck me in the ass well you know kids now they here hold on I'll think of something well what give me a give me a region give me a category

what you're thinking could be anything could be something that we know as one thing because we're 80s cunts mm-hmm but now in 2028 whatever year we're in the kids here that and think of something else oh I see here's an example this might get you where you need to be I always thought like punching out I gotta punch out that's gonna be one of those things where they're like punching out what is that right in the old days you'd stick a ticket in punch it yes and leave but nowadays you click a button or you just I don't know what you do I don't have no job in a while I like it how about this the record scratch kid walks in a party

oh they don't fuck with records right well we didn't have records either though I had a record player as a youth I know it wasn't that wasn't no one was having a party where they played records when we were we were from the 90s the CDs the oh are you go no you go cuz I just went we're all I was thinking a CD skip your CD skip it's a bop it skips they don't have any skips no skip no skip skip Bayless I hate that guy yeah I like Skippy peanut butter or the family ties peanut butter family time in the mirror by the way yeah I got two fucking jars of it's like an apocalypse is coming I love peanut butter and I got a new diet I

think you can have it now I switch doctors I'll get into that later for you gonna have peanut butter I'm putting it back in my cock again I gotta buy a dog now you got that OBGYN what was I oh oh ah shit I had one skip you had one the CD I went CD scratch scratch why didn't you answer the phone I was out it's a little different but you can you know before you you're out you're you're out yeah but that thing is that gets the fuck is that oh shit I've got to turn the alright it's later that one though you could still not answer the phone because you're out yeah alright call waiting maybe but that doesn't really know that's

still a thing that still exists but because now I could still say that I was out I was out doing things why didn't you return to my joke premise well I was out I was out riding horses or fences whatever you ride what does that mean by the way riding fences I think you can't make a decision outright in like what's the other half of it like it's supposed to be like yeah you know you're like you're on the no day at the beach means like not an easy time but also means it's fun to be on the beach right that's a bad example but what's the other half of the out riding fences or is that just half yeah I explain what

I mean there with the like did that pick up I hope it picked up the video caught it the like when you say something like you know yeah I think of an analogy a thing you say what's the thing you say always greener yeah that means like you know your lawn has shitty and their lawn is nice but it also means like I wish I had what he has sure out riding fences means you haven't made a decision but what's the literal part that's what I was looking for the literal aspect of riding fences what is riding a fence mean I think it just means you're galloping next to a fence you're riding a horse though you're riding the horse

should be you're out riding a horse next to a fence I agree no offense my brother fenced for years no kidding yeah he was a champ wow state champ the state maybe city all right region yeah region's good is it regional champs region is better than state no no John state is bigger there's regional championships you win the regional then you play the other regions at the state level but isn't a region big a region is like the southwest the Lats not in sports in sports like a region is like six towns like if you won the village and I win a story we each won our regional championship now we got to play in the the city championship and

then there's a state and then there's a country a national you got you got your national championship you got your state championship you got your regionals championship and I think like your town championship and then you got your bedroom championship region Philbin what about all star all American I always hear that he's an all-american basketball player what does that mean well that's just that's like an all-star game instead of an all-star they say all American what's weird about the all-american is it's just like a ceremony there's no game I can maybe there's an all-american game occasionally but like

the all-american they just name you yeah it's a week as I'm all-american oh you're 100% American yeah I see what you mean well that doesn't sound good all I'm all-american so am I what did you do well now you can be from China and be an all-american even though you're some Chinese mostly Chinese immigrants don't go on there back to the record scratch and the other one Neil the grass Tyson big fan a big fan of his I did Conan with him he didn't laugh well he's a smart guy but at our Neil deGrasse he was watching a movie with his like five-year-old son and it was like a 70s movie like the French

connection or something and a guy was getting chased and he jumped in his car and the car didn't start and he was like and the kid was like why isn't the car working cars just start now yes that was fascinating interesting yeah yeah the grass is always the greener on the other side black that is probably a lot of things like that he's a person of a living color I think if we had kids we'd know more about this because you have kids you like oh she doesn't know what that means to whatever true true yeah kids probably queasy they say in the future people won't fuck what well it'll be way down because we're all be

obsessed with fucking on VR you just pick up a chick right we know the digitally I could see that I do think that the phone distract all these distractions and stuff to take away before you just think about sex all the time now I'm thinking about Twitter Instagram and anal sex well now you got labia in your pocket you know you just pick up a phone look at tits I wonder if there'll be a phone speaking of which that made me think that you can fuck the phone like it'll be a pocket pussy in the phone or something well you maybe get a phone pussy case yeah that's something that's PC a PPC I thought folks

other than F yeah PPC that makes more sense is that a drug PPC PCP PCP fuck down with OPP you know me all right I got OCD I need a PCP a PPC I got HPV a pussy I had it it's gone PPC phone pussy case yeah a pocket phone pussy case PPC PPC triple PC that's very politically correct haha Reese's 3PC yes the P suit three point line yeah 3p soup is that what you said I know I was saying I liked it okay alright boy we're on a I don't know if we're on a roll or for horrible I think it's pretty good I know we want to asshole that's like oh that was gay fuck you too many letters I'll tell you

was he typing or retarded I couldn't tell he was a retarded type for his computers up here he's handicapped no weird Hawking anyone that can type is not retarded as far as I can tell I can't type so I guess I'm retarded I can't tell I might have a lot of fun I'm beating this new diet that this doctor of Eve boy that was subtle it's got to smell real bad I can't wait so I found I know people some people are interested in my health and some people are upset about it fuck up whatever I got a new doctor I'm seeing there was a specialist gonna charge me a thousand dollars for consultation consult a thousand then

there's a doctor the regular doctor I'm going to see he's like we got a specialist in this office we'll just charge you a regular price I want to say 700 I'm going to see Dr. Aviv Aviv tell Aviv yeah tell me about it and he's got a new book he wants me to eat one pound of vegetables a day half cooked half not cooked and a half a pound of fruit a day wow that's a lot of mulch you're gonna have to go to the produce section I gotta know you it's gonna be a lot of money I've been eating I got a giant fucking satchel of spinach I'm just eating it like potato chips I'm sitting there eating spinach I make a

smoothie I'm just spinach and banana I'm eating watermelon fruit cups I got up salad over there from sweetgreen you're like a guy who's orgy fuck you like wilt chamberlain who has to go gay now because you were so engulfed in this bad food the pizza the marinara the coax the tea the cookies now you're all the way on the other team it's wild and I think I'm gonna be really healthy I hope but I gotta do something I'm desperate I mean I really want to shoot myself a few people sent me suicide hotlines I appreciate it some of this is hyperbolic which I like about our therapist I'm like I want to kill myself and he's like

laughing cuz he kind of knows yeah he knows you stick where I'm not like seriously help me yeah but yeah I'm not gonna kill myself for real but I'm just miserable I can't get well so now I'm going to see the specialist and I'm eating a pound of fucking spinach a day and I got all kinds of junk drawers cuz I got my teeth the wacky do so no people you eat and you got a little you got a thing at one spot my teeth just look like the fucking jungles of Cambodia oh yeah it is more green than white by white I mean yellow sure and they're jagged like the rocks of Jakarta Mick jagged it's it's not good so I

the other day I food gets stuck in my teeth and I can't swallow cuz I got sticky throat fucking what do you call it cobblestone re so it all collects in my throat or teeth I did a rent right before the show I would a rinse out and spit it look I spit a full salad in the same clogged the sink wow like I got off stage and I got some guys like who fucked up the sink yeah I swear to God wow I got like realistically two full spinach leaves broken into pieces stuck in my mouth after I eat it's bad yeah it's like lawn trimmings yeah it's not it's not good it's yucky yeah it's yucky and I feel for you and a pound is a lot

to keep track of like it's one thing when they say have some veggies but you're like you got to weigh it out and shit how do you do how do you know if it's a pound I'm kind of eyeballing it so far I'm ass-holing it but I think it's around four cups okay something like that that's not terrible yesterday was the first day I did I was at my parents house I went to smoothies banana spinach water only this is adding up by the way financially I'm willing to spend thousands of dollars on this it's kill me I'm going back to the doctor I gotta get my life together here it's making me it's kill me cuz on stage I can't focus on anything because I

fill up with like foam it's too much saliva there's back post nasal drip fucking too much bucus I get scratchy and itchy I'm gonna be like that in a few minutes here so do you feel good you must be got you got green jizz flowing through your veins you must feel like the green giant well nipple down I feel good I'm taking shit you wouldn't believe these shits it looks like the cactus over there send me a photo will you it's why and I feel loose I've lost weight I'm all ripped up in here but up in this area the throat the nasal the ears the chest I can't breathe I can't talk the three areas of folks the most are

swallowing speaking and breathing oh those are important those are three big ones and it's all the ding dong live long day so man and the last doctor I talked I went last week he said anxiety and stress is probably contributing largely I've been losing my shit I mean I've been really having a hard time here so I'm trying to keep it cool and soak my feet and fuck my mother yeah but I don't know the special I'm gonna try a pound of fruit every morning so you feel you feel good about a VEV excited about a VEV he's got a book I just bought it the 28 acid diet I got all kinds of diet books I know everything about

nutrition now my nutritious fucking piece of shit but all the leaves and the water and the fruit man you're like cast away I know I gotta eat fiber now and no cookies pasta whatever the fuck god if you knew what I ate this weekend you'd shit down my throat I know well here's that I just wish some and I knew it the whole time I was eating like this I was like I'm gonna die this is horrible but I wish some of I wish there was a little clock or mechanism that was like you're getting close you know I mean like a video game we like you're getting low on energy you're like shit I gotta go eat a carrot or whatever red yeah I wish there

was someone that was like like you know in January that was like your one month away and I was like all right I'll detox for two months right go back and that's funny you say that because I remember one time we were in a car together we did some road gig this is years ago and we had Burger King and we were both kind of like whoa that was some fucking heavy Burger King and you go you said I never forgot this you said wouldn't it be weird to know right when you got cancer yes like what if that was the one that gave you cancer I guess I'm obsessed with this I talked about this on Rogan too I wish they could be stats that was like this

yes or cigars that you're like you're 180 cigars away from having tongue cancer right okay all right all right good to know and then you kind of keep track yes and that's what's cool it's a weird sense but that's what's cool about STD's you know when you got it you know exactly the skank you know exactly where you know exactly how depends on the road I don't know I thought you knew was the playground whore well there's two women that there's two suspects two suspects the usual suspects not a good movie by the way oh what we'll talk about it let's talk about a bonus all right talking on the picture an hour on the

usual sus yeah it's Kevin Pollock's a weirdo but we'll get into it perhaps the most overrated film of all time it doesn't even make sense from a and this one I managed to find lots of backup I found like nine articles that were like thank you aha the whole thing is bullshit you didn't see it coming though no that's the thing the whole movie is a surprise yes a surprise doesn't make a good movie I agree the whole movie got you though they yeah but that's not the point of a movie to be like oh wow he's the guy I think it was the point of this movie that's well then it's a bad movie if they set out what they wanted to do

when they nailed it I think there's an argument there I guess if you're if your point was to confuse the other but that's what makes it a shitty movie Roger Ebert has multiple great fucking things about this the whole point of the movie is just to confuse you and it's the guy he's telling this story of what ever happened but when we find out the whole story is bullshit so everything we've seen didn't even happen oh right so the whole movie you spent two hours watching a thing and you're like well that but none of that actually even happened this is a guy telling yeah so you're like what so what was the point

of that and it's not even that fun to begin with and the act like fine isn't great I mean just even Baldwin I'm sorry he's not a good act now he's not great space is fine he's like a little too like whoo jazz palma terry I don't think is good in anything he's over the top and then Kevin Pollock is fine I like him as a guy I've never met him but I think you met him so I'm afraid you're gonna hear this I have to actually now yeah so I mean he's I actually love him as a as an actor great miss basil but yeah it's all just a fucking false narrative I'm not crazy about the movie either but I want to I feel like an argument is

good radio but I do watch every time it comes on yeah I mean it's interesting and everything but that the whole movie is just to fuck with you yeah that's it be like Baha and you're like oh all right because there's plenty of movies with surprise twists that are good movies right right but anyways what's the the sixth sense the sixth sense yeah that's better I know I didn't I didn't love that movie better but Shyamalan a ding-dong whatever his name is he's gonna get a free ride I mean he made one solid B-minus and we've been giving him a chance after chance yeah and it's all been trash yeah he's not great not lunch I

haven't watched many of them I watched the one with the bees and Mark Wahlberg's Garbage I guess we had the whole conversation I was like we'll say this for another time but I think we knocked it out we got it out I just wanted to hear you go where we headed also shit bricks usual suspects oh the herpes there was two different women I've told this many times but one said she had herpes and I fucked and then the other one it happened right after I fucked her so it was maybe her or maybe the other one couple candidates interesting I need too much saliva you go now I got some herpes question because I bet I can

crack this I'm a herpes nut because I'm shocked I don't have it and I've been to the doctor billion times it'd be like give me testing I've looked at my dick with a microscope and a magnifying glass that was just to find it but yeah I've always been looking at it so when you bang the playground how long after that till you saw a wart lesion or bump well the next day I got in the shower and felt a little whoa all right that's probably not her then but it takes two weeks give or take no two to 14 days two days two days yeah well I have it I'm familiar I know you have read a lot of been to the doctor that's a heavy case

yeah usually two to 14 days is the initial outbreak and this was ended up being about five months later and two days after I had sex with the other woman but this woman told me she had herpes and I had sex there with no condom so it could be it's one of the other interesting but call in if you if you know these women or if you gave me herpes I mean I know both of them oh really we should have them on I'm in touch with one of them maybe I will yeah be a great live up yeah or maybe a patreon I don't know if they want everyone seeing this but the patreon speaking which the patreon new development you know what

the new development big develop well they're watching this the people that are on patreon know about it but we want to do that aren't on yes you should get on it here's our new thing we got you're watching a video maybe but we're on the the iTunes the audio the SoundCloud the anal whatever you want to call it but we're videoing everything the patreon folk you guys get the video the next day and then the non-patron you guys have to wait a whole week to see video that'll be up on YouTube so we're not doing the paywall nonsense we're just doing a delay yes so you gotta if you want a sap you get we're doing it to gay if you

wanted a sap you got to get on the pay tree on and if you want it a week later if you're a slacker and you want to hang back just wait it'll be on the YouTube but the patron's only three bucks that's a month that's true not a day not an app not an anal three bucks a month not bad that's less than a period but well you get your period once a month three bucks the bucks a tampon not well people with the my wife has the IUD same yeah did she get a wacky period occasionally yes she gets a little splatter of blood it looks like a little bloody nose well sometimes she's got nostrils yeah sometimes post days

will drip yes post label drip sometimes my wife will have a period and then for like two days and then eight days of normalcy then all of a sudden a little dab comes back makes it come back oh wow it's like a random and then sometimes it's like it's three weeks later her fucking cycles all fuck the things these women do for us is delightful because I'm not getting my cock snipped I can tell that now now and that's why you got to love that plan P yes PPP because they they help they help men I mean you know any gals in high school I've paid for a couple abortions in my day and if I hadn't they would have just had a kid and

I wouldn't be here I'd be in Oklahoma you know working on a mill well plan P I gotta tell you I don't even give a shit what they do for women they took warts right off my cock so I give them ten bucks a month there you go that's more than a patreon yeah I give triple to play paranoid because they take warts off yeah I should get that if I get warts again which I probably won't I should get the time already served you know I've been donating ten bucks for three years I'm like how about you to give me a freebie here for all the work of money upset you wait it's free no no it costs a hundred bucks to get your warts taken

I'm saying I give them ten bucks a month for three years I should be able to go in there and go I've donated 12 30s 360 bucks right how about you give me a little discount here that's kind of a Larry David moment like well I have been giving you a lot of money right and they go yeah but that's different money well that's all money maybe I can pitch it to them pitch it pitch a tent in your pants that's an episode that's right the first one I think I don't know about the first it's the first or second pants tent it's negatable I think it was one or two call in tweet at us if it's the first or second episode it's definitely

season one it's early it's early this is what we need Shelby Shelby say he didn't like us anymore he was a little shy yeah but I think we'll talk about it later he didn't want to be on the microphone oh he never does I guess not but he used to chime in people loved it chime he's out of chime there right chimes of freedom yeah well we should get into some stories I mean where are we boy oh my god we're a third of the way in all right let's cook geez all right we better say some things now you want to go I got some weird ones all right I'll tell a couple things I guess I should talk about Rogan I guess please the audience is

clamoring you killed it you got some good laughs you were I mean until he started talking about you know who you're right your asshole tightened up like a clam shell well I said I love him he's like he's one of my best friends and he's a great man and a great father I feel like I've got some stuff out there yeah he went hard he went hard so I just let it be you know because this is gonna be a viral video like I don't want to be the guy that's like oh women should die I let him go they can snip anything these weirdos but I felt like I feel like a representative myself all right but boy I gotta tell you I've been going through a

lot of anxiety and panic and I had panic attacks in Minneapolis right before Louie right before I went on like to the point I said to Louie I'm like I don't think I can go on I'm really sorry like I was shaking uncontrollable I haven't had one in two years was this food related was this Rogan related what do we all tied in because here part of it I think I've talked to us a little bit the effects of the reflux are very similar to anxiety where I feel like I have something in my throat I can't breathe my chest is all fucked up interesting so there's that I just haven't felt well for three months right I felt subpar for

three months and I can't have any of my enjoyable things yes then you're like the Louie stuff there's protesters out there they're ranting and raving and I'm so afraid of being hated or being like this fucking guy these these people and this they go he's friends with look because I read Twitter which I had to stop looking up people's names on Twitter yeah because you read some of these things are like anyone that supports this guy's a bag of shit and he's like meanwhile I'm like this guy's like my best friend I'm fucking I would give each other a head locks and yeah what do you call it what are you calling you on the

shoulders chicken chickens the fight but piggyback piggybacks on the back that's on the back the shoulders that's got no name is that no name I don't think I call in but I don't think the shoulders got a name head and shoulder shoulder roll that's the thing I don't give him that just the shoulders but anyway so you're kind of in the fire and it's scary because it's not just like a local comedy thing of like oh everyone hates you know Steve at the club yeah this is like an international international thing of like this guy fuck and so and you're the most anxious guy throwing into the fire I don't know how you this is a wacky

situation for you all people and then I'm going on Rogan the six million people keep calling me but you can't even believe it it's bigger than Seinfeld your piece of shit 10 million people meanwhile I haven't I went to did Mohegan son no one's there this is two things now to the biggest comedy you know mountains that everybody wants to climb is Rogan and Netflix you've done both that had no it's more than that yeah last comic standing finalist NBC fucking three sets on there the Tonight Show Netflix Rogan Bob and Tom yeah I mean I don't know what you're gonna do yeah yeah no spoils for the listing what

are you gonna do in this business I don't know spread the word if you're listening for God's sake we got the listeners we need that we need to grow yeah I'm saying tell all the people drop it out of a hat or what's the thing airplane airplane helicopter but anyways so I'm scared the night before Rogan I mean I was scared I woke up at the middle like four in the morning I can't breathe I'm taking a shit and I'm like it's like we had with the we have with stand-up going for a late night but tenfold cuz you're like really I'm not cut out for this right giving opinions to the nine million people I can't do

this I'm not that guy and with your act it's your act you got it written it's memorized you run it 800 times you got an opener or closer it's five minutes this is three hours of anything exactly and the act I've edited it to be like well yeah I don't want to have that I'll say this this will be funny this my act is exclusively to be silly and funny yes and then on a podcast like that and then it you don't feel the millions of people listening it's just the two of you yeah what's that like in there do you do you are you constantly going oh shit oh shit I'm on the chopping block I'm on the silver platter everybody's

judging me or you just kind of in it there's moments like that and then there's moments where I'm thinking about the individuals I'm like my parents Louie you my wife my cousin my aunt some guy with high school with right some you know hipster that's like whoa what right you know so it's a lot of that and I talked to him about it he's like oh yeah he's I've gotten freaked out about that before he's like you can't listen you can't think about all the people listening you hang but but the night before or the morning like four in the morning I'm like I'm literally not the person I don't have the personality for this I like

goofing around telling I like telling jokes on stage real like and then we were having sex and she coughed and my dick fell out right that's crazy right and there's a hundred people you're more interested you think you got stories you've lived you're an alcoholic you got cobblestone asshole you're herped you're all this you got stuff it's not about being interesting I think I'm interesting funny I think I'm pretty smart yeah it's about what putting my self out there to that many people and being like that was dumb that makes sense you're an idiot this isn't funny it's completely judged every comment is like this line was

stupid what's his opinion on that that's guys an idiot this was completely wrong that's all they do is just sit there and dissect it's it's all this deep fear of wanting approval and wanting to be right and so it was just too much it was a lot of that and then I got there and it's a big fucking facility it's not just like a studio to tell it's like a big he owns like a building or rents whatever the fuck I don't know I think owns you pull in there and he's got like security because he must have all these weirdos and shit so I pull in and of course I'm like I talked about this on the show but I'm in there like a half hour early

because I'm a fucking nut so I'm super early and I'm like I'll just sit in my car for a while and whatever oh right before this is a story to right before there's a Starbucks like diagonally across and I haven't been going to start it's a whole thing was that Starbucks and I'm waiting in line and this kid this fucking like goofball with a long skateboard whatever you call those long board long board there you go just take out the skate there you go so it's a long board he's got like a scruffy beard douche like a hat and a jacket whatever the fuck just like a scrubby skateboard guy oh yeah and he just walks past me and

just picks up a thing of gum they have Starbucks gum which is weird they just stands there and I'm going what the fuck what is this so then I'm like alright maybe he's a maybe he's kooky so then the person that was at this register leaves and he just steps right up he's like a gum please I was like I'm in line what are you doing skippy and he's like can I just buy a pack of gum like something like a fucking moron right can I just buy gum and I was like well you could buy it after me I'm here so now my anxiety is through the roof cuz I got a confrontation here yes and I'm like well you behind to get behind me and he's

like I'm late for work I'd be a look working five minutes what this isn't my prom you schmuck so then the employee guy goes is this okay with you and I'm like I guess I mean and I said you know I said I had a good line alright I like that she asked by the way yeah it was a guy but yeah and I go well maybe if you had a different mode of transportation you might be there a little sooner it's like a little zinger yeah yeah what is he gonna bring that to work what does he do yeah he's five minutes I'm gonna get a car or a bike you fucking douche or walking is I think is faster get an Uber so anyways I then he walked away and I'm

like what do I do fight the guy you can hit me with his longboard or whatever he just looked at me like I was an asshole but this is California's got fucking weirdos I think California has more funkies than we do yeah well they're all sunbaked and hippy-dippy they're all high on the space cakes and kooky dookie fuck them yeah it's no good so he leaves I turned to the guy and like now I'm like boiling and I was like what what is I've never heard of that yeah and the guys like I'll give you I ordered a large tea's like I'll give you the price of medium since you got cut which is hilarious it's like 60 cents difference

it's water like it should be the same for anyways but I was like right that was crazy and the guys like I don't know yeah anyways so I did that then I had to shit cuz I got all the anxiety and the fibers just pushing everything out yeah I go over and while I was in line I noticed cuz I'm keeping one eye on the bathroom and there's a lady kept banging on the door like because someone was in there for a while so she's like bang on the door so then she goes in while I'm having this I go over them like she should be out soon she was banging on the door she must be in a hurry yeah I sit there I'm like I gotta be out of here

in 12 minutes so no anxiety I don't have to because I get so nervous I'm like I got 12 minutes to fucking wait and shit and leave okay well 12 is tight for a shit I feel like not my shit cuz I get anxiety fiber shit my shit through you they're like I got a 24 second clock I'm just wow I'm shitting like you can even believe these shit it just shoot out one asparagus rocket unbelievable so I'm waiting eight full minutes cuz I made no to the time oh yeah eight minutes and she was banging the door so I want to bang on the door yeah for the goose is good for the gander so I'm sitting there but I can't I'm not a bang on the door

guy I gotta be with work at five minutes yeah now I'm that guy her line gonna shut out a longboard so finally she comes out and I give her a dirty look I go in there and she said sorry I think she was like getting dressed in there she might have been a homeless person who knows so I go in there I shit in about 20 seconds and now I'm like now I'm late but you have this feel do you have this feeling I get so I'm like now I'm gonna be late meanwhile the building is 40 seconds away and it's still quarter of you're still a half hour early yeah I'm like just I'm late to be early so I get over there good he we lose on and I'm

like all right I'm gonna I'm gonna I'll just sit in the parking lot cuz I'm like you're trying to time it we don't like I go psycho but you look like a professional yeah and then all of a sudden this big giant guy comes out of the building he goes Joe and I was like what they got cameras everywhere they might have been watching me at Starbucks wait a minute so this is Starbucks right across street from his compound I picture living in a mountain in the woods you got to go down a layer and a tunnel and all this shit that's what I thought but it's a very I don't want to give out too much info very

nondescript it's almost like Batman you would never know or find it how do you like it it's not across the street it's probably a realistically two minute car ride but two minute car ride is like 30 miles and out you're going it's probably a 15 minute walk three minute car okay that's the little ways it's around a corner but the place it's one of these things where it's like is this the place I think that's the number it's got to be the place and this big fucking guy comes out and he referenced being armed I mean this guy's like a military he's a fucking big son of a bitch wow he's like welcome mr. List and now I'm

like shaking wow walk in there's like another guy who's like I'll show you around there's that big wolf you always see that were wolf thing yes yes the wolf and it's weird it's always weird seeing things that you've seen before there's that thing yes seeing you hold that sword in front of the flag was kooky that was surreal that was wacky dude so I walk in there and it places huge and I'm like he's like Batman I'm like I don't know where he is is he here does he live it's 10 in the morning by the way he's Bruce Wayne I woke up at 8 I left at 8 o'clock because the traffic and LA the whole thing yeah so we walk in we

walk in this one room and he's playing some video game we has goggles on and he's like sweating he's like hey I can't say hello I'm playing this thing this is the first I've ever seen the guy in the flesh in my life that's why I'm like no sweat they gave me the nickel tour they have the big deprivation tank yes big black tank then there's an archery course there's a fucking up wrestling ring there's a full gym wow swords this gun this it's fucking wild and then this he doesn't have his house there no no no okay I think years ago he used to do it at home but now he just owns this big thing yeah sipping sorry too much saliva down

here so I'm keeping keeping the lady at bay oh no sweat sneak in and go over there yeah fascinating but anyways yeah we got this is what we need we need one of those he's got a compound we're in your fucking living room your wife's doing laps yeah yeah she's doing she's running around the block and running in place just to kill time compound her from behind compound interest interesting but anyways so we go in there and fine I'm waiting for like 20 minutes he's playing some video game and I'm early so I'm talking to the guard guy there's a TV going and finally he comes out and there's like seven employees there he's

got just people hanging out and I'm like shitting my pants again I'm like I might have I might not be able to do this I'm fucking shaking huh that he comes out and he's a little disarming they're like here's your seat and then you sit down and you're like well this is just a podcast I guess because it's the one guy the producer and then he's right there and you're here and no one else is in the room is that nonchalant there's no gearing up there's no notes there's no questioning or anything no well he was very thoughtful I was like hey how's it going and I was like I'm terrified I'm like this is crazy it's so big I have

such anxiety and then we're that's where we're about to start you like took his cans off yeah cans thank you and I was like he's like do you want to not start a little bit all right like I think I'll be all right I'll settle in and he's like okay he's like it's not a big deal he's like we're just bullshitting he's like you can't I was like there's just so many people he's like you can't get what he's like sometimes I get freaked out about that he's like you can't worry about that I think he's on the mushrooms one time and did it was like oh my god oh right so he was like do you need a drink or anything I was like no no I'm

good and that kind of settled me down and then you just start talking and it's intense cuz you know us with eye contact one-on-one I mean he's standing two feet from you yeah and he's an intense guy and you're making he's looking at you and he's not looking anywhere else or anything that's exhausting so you're just like staring at him you know he's going and then you kind of go and it's there's no it's not an interview it's just a hanging out he's not like where'd you start tell me about your dad so you kind of have to steer it in your direction if you can or whatever and that that was a beauty there's a lot of extra ripples

that's lunch whoo that smells but anyways oh my god there's more coming I mean there's so much fiber so we do the pocket and then you're like this is going pretty well I feel good but it's two and a half hours oh yeah so there's moments where you're like what are we talking about right now or what's he talking about and then you're like what did I say then you start having that retroactively was that okay what was I talking about I can't read what I said is that person gonna be offended he's he gonna be offended yeah who did I mention that's what's crazy it's so long that the rest of the day I'm like oh

yeah we talked about this it starts like coming back I forgot we talked about that because our podcast you do that anyway you're like all that you're in bed being like what do we say what yeah yeah or you get the tweets and you're like I don't remember saying that but this is two and a half times longer but you did a great job he really I felt like he took a shine yeah he was really digging you like he was like giggling a lot and he was like you can tell he's like I like this guy oh that's good egg and good guy and yeah I can tell he felt very comfortable with you it wasn't it wasn't rigid at all oh very flow it

flew it flowy and we're comics with both comics from Boston with mutual friends so you kind of have that bond and we talked comedy and stuff and so I felt pretty good about it but man it is it is long and intense but the whole time you don't realize you're just focusing but like my all my muscles are just tense for the whole two and a half hours then we finished and I was like that was good right you're so like insecure but he's like that was great oh good what a guy then I leave I'm starving and they just have that like come down I drove to Sherman Oaks which like I've I bought Ted Baker I bought my suit there so I

kind of know Sherman Oaks it's like halfway back to where I was going which was Glendale so I stopped there and I just was like I got to just walk yes I started walking I felt so high yes because it was all this tension for like days I know that feeling I know exactly what you mean and then finally I just felt loose where I was like I felt wacky and I hadn't eaten I felt like I was on drugs but then you have like five minutes of that and then you're like now this is coming out in a few hours then you have that like well how people gonna respond I said this and that and so then that anxiety comes it's just been a

fucking anxiety induced week and then that night I had two shows at the improv with him and Bert and Andrew Santino is that it yeah was it one of the guy I think there was another guy but that's another you got to be on again kind of you got to be personable you got to be chummy so that's a lot of mental energy yeah and then you're performing in front of the audience so it was a lot and then like you know you're all hanging out again oh there was a host Ali I forget her last name though she's at the store she works at the store oh funny kind of cute she's cute she's very funny she kind of

hangs in that crew yeah yeah kind of dark humor yes yes yes I forget her last name I don't even forget her last name I just never heard it yeah yeah yeah she's cool yeah she's sweet she might be a fan of our podcast too all right Ali great job sorry I don't know your last name I don't even think anyone ever told me her last name yeah maybe she doesn't have one she's like share yeah that's a tough name to go by one name Ali Ali Wong is big and Ali people get raped there Ali Oop maybe a fun stage like an urban act keep it going for Ali Oop everybody but anyways I went and did the show that night great hang at the improv because I

had to be there it was kind of a surprise show where I was like I was planning to just hang and lay and load that night but he asked me I'm like I can't say no to that yeah so then everyone I wanted to hang with I just had I was like come to the improv there you go so I had Chris Walsh over there Nick Vaterot came Sarah was there Andy Hendrickson came out and it was a great hang and we just kind of sat around and then other guy Chad Zumach was there Josh Potter was there it was like a good good crew and then Rogan's hanging and Burt's hanging and it felt good to finally have all that done and then like then it's out so now the

Twitter starts to come and so far it's been a hundred percent positive not one whether it was one troll guy that one of my Instagram and like commented on everything was like you suck at comedy you're horrible all right that's just like a troll to me yeah that's fair and I didn't look at the YouTube comments obviously so really but we'll pull those up yeah rather not but anyways that's my story my throat hurts you go for the love of Pete fascinating man what a week it was a crazy week and it's all one trip it was four nights with Louis and Minneapolis straight to LA and then Sarah taped her cord which is a whole

other bank fucking bananas we'll get to that another but that's what I'm saying all this success is a double-edged twat because you know you go oh I would love to do Rogan I'd love to do a late night love to LA and go out to the store and do the improv and sold out but the whole time you're freaking out it's you don't even enjoy any of it it's full well I had that moment too with Alan in my head where I was sitting there the next day we were flying back and I'm sitting there going you remember Alan was like where's the joy I'm like I was realizing I was contemplating I'm like I literally have gotten zero joy from this like I was at

like at least the tonight show you have like a moment of like woo whatever the pride but like this was like why have I not got any joy and I'm like you're a funny guy you're a nice guy you're a good person yeah enjoy it and you would kill for that role yeah I'm like I did a good job I think and then even the I realized even so many people wrote nice things I'm not even letting those in cuz I'm just scanning for the bad ones yeah people are like you just changed my life I'm gonna get sober God bless America and I'm like okay skip skip skip I'm not even getting joy from the right word I really gotta make some changes in

my life I'm the same way I always say compliments are like corn they go in they go right out but like an insult is like a pot roast it just sits there and marinates forever yes you know and why is that why can't I have a why can't have a pot roast compliment yeah you need a pot roast it won't stay they go in they go right out yeah it's it's hard yeah and then you just stare at them for a while and take a photo and send them to a friend yeah yeah it's hard so I'm trying to find the job it's a lot to navigate this feet in the fire and the thing but you realize you just have to be like this is who I am fuck you who

shit why do I have to be like I know and I'm not you're not a bad egg that's a thing I'm a fine egg I'm given to play in parenthood I'm you know I have a wife and yes whatever things I don't know you're poached I'm a good friend I'm a good person there you go all right well your throat's hurt but I want to hear about did anything wacky happen in cordon because it was a hot set she did great she looked great it was amazing by the way that's also extremely stressful too because it's your wife and at your own set of course you're anxious but you're like you'll be fine you can talk to yourself yeah like you're

gonna be fine relax but it's out of your hands with a loved one no control you're like all right it just I gotta just trust that she's gonna do great it's gonna be great which I feel like she's gonna do great but you're still anxious it's like having a kid you know but I don't think the public realizes what that's like I mean people go to an office job nine or five might have a commute they might get married they might bang their wife in the ass that's like a big perk Christmas is coming up the Super Bowl but this is like you're doing heavy shit in a week like two giant things in a week back to back crazy too because all

day I'm anxious it's Sarah's day and I'm nervous for her and she's nervous but she I mean she's a cool customer surprisingly or she at least on the surface at least I don't know what's going on inside but she's got a steady hand that one yeah so we're tying your anxious and you're like okay we got to go there at this time you got to get this you okay the makeup chair boo boo boo then it ends and you're like thank God you killed it was great I thought it was an amazing set removed from her being my wife I was like this is a killer late night good jokes no flubs and that's a flub that was a beauty that was his

flubby yes that was the movie flub you smell that it's not gonna be good I can taste it but anyways it finishes and then you're like all right where do you want to go let's celebrate yeah but then all of a sudden all of a sudden I realized I'm like oh I'm doing the biggest show in the world tomorrow yeah exactly during her night it's now now I'm like now it's my night oh yeah I got to get to bed I got 8 a.m. I gotta fucking wake up I'm like oh fuck so it was weird having them compounded and it's interesting because we both did late night on the same night before cute and now it's like she's doing cordon I'm

doing Rogan it basically like a few hours apart from each other you know so it was intense but great day Chris Walsh and our friend Sabina that's Chris's girlfriend dear friends they came to the taping and they're just such good people you know those people you're like what a good human being this is totally better than us her friend Aaron from high school game and she's great she's really sweet yeah and it was a great great time great hang she got to sit on the couch with Lisa Kudrow and will Forte and Jason Sedakis and I got a great photo of that you know those big photos but grabbed it

nice Ryan Williams is a first-class guy the booker over there yeah that guy he is sweet as pie fan of ours and her set her crowd right away I walked out there was like so much better than my as soon as I saw them they were like mixed race mixed age mixed gender it was like people in their 50s 30s 40s couple black people three gay guys a woman perfect and that cuz my remember it was like it looked like teenage women I was like what the fuck is this yeah you had Selena Gomez night yeah no I wasn't saying it was Justin Bieber's wife oh the other one and we keys yeah but her crowd I write it when I saw them I was like this is

gonna be good and she had all comedians on right this is gonna be good I felt like this is gonna be great is she okay with it I think she was thrilled good because that's what really matters but then there was a moment where she's about to go on and you're nervous and I know she's nervous because we've been there behind that curtain and he goes to introduce he says listen to her podcast wadge and the director stops it was hold up you got it wrong which I'm like just pick it up after yeah bring her out right then do hey you gotta pick it up you gotta do that there's a term pickups yes so they stop in the middle

of the intro and I'm like oh my god she must be shit in her pants right I mean like he's like alright our next comedian you she's hilarious and cut cut cut or I'm like you get all keyed up but then it ruins it so I'm like feel the pain and courting up mad he's a bring the director up there he's like this thing's way too long he's gonna make me read this I gotta read this in rehearsal this is way too he's like I can't even see the goddamn thing so he's kind of like yelling so it's awkward in the room oh my god so I'm like oh my god this sucks you must be fucking dying and then the tension maybe yeah maybe so then he does

it again she comes out just fucking kill first line hits yeah next line hit and she just killed all the way through no flubs clean the crowd loved it because it's one of those things of like the job you know the jokes are gonna be great but the crowd was on board she killed she came over I cried like a little girl embarrassing you know it was it was special and it blows your mind because the side perspective you're like this is so crazy my wife who I was you know having sex with two days ago we've cried and talked and married and all this bullshit and I'm like I got reflex I'm watching her just up there living the

dream fucking killing looking beautiful the crowds dying the cameras swinging and I'm like what a special moment and it was great wow go watch the sense on YouTube say it all much Gordon can I throw this out there and well I'll get you I know your throat's full of semen throat my ass have you thought about a relationship show a reality show with you guys as two comics you're both doing late nights you're both on the road she opens for I mean it's it's a beautiful thing maybe the marriage but I bet it would be a hit I don't like this reality show shit but maybe maybe someone will pitch it or something I'm telling

you I think I could sell people love a couple they do love a couple and it's two comedians two funny people bullshitting traveling TV I mean it's fascinating yeah that's not bad living in the city all right please go for God's we're running out of time for God I know I know I'll be quick I got some fun stuff oh geez last week was a normie this week's a listy there you go shit shit list well a couple things so after the Burt tour my liver has gone to hell I took three years off my life I have AIDS now pound of veggies pound of veggies and some fruit would do me good because I got a cool it fatty I've been running on

fumes so the other night it was a Thursday night I had the night off I went out to do a show the show got canceled was my only show so I said fuck it I have the night off it was beautiful I was like 69 degrees I was on foot and I just put the earbuds in I said I'm gonna see every site in New York it's like 730 PM yeah wow not every site but I'm like I'm going to the Empire State Building I'm going to 30 Rock I'm going to Columbus Circle I'm going to the Central Park I'm going to you know FAO Schwartz I'm doing everything okay so I walked the whole city it took four hours had a great night I put a pot in I was listening to you

oh oh wow and it was just great I had you there it's a beautiful night I saw the whole city what a great city it's the best it's the best city in the world I mean I just got back from Copenhagen Dublin you know we've been to Paris we've been here I've been to Shanghai I've been up my ass I've been Australia Amsterdam New York gotta beat now it is the king of all cities a lot of stuff I hate about a lot of nightmares but the best of it's a magical city great beautiful place I took a million photos and I'm like what am I gonna do with these I live here but you look at them later I guess you look so next day I go to Equinox the lady has

an Equinox membership oh yeah I ain't cheap no I think 300 a month or something yeah yeah you're telling me so she goes you want to be my guest I was like be your guest what is this a Disney film I'm in you should be able to get on there shouldn't you married or something no no they're they're pinching pennies over there not so equal ah exclusive knocks so I go by you got a sauna you got a steam room you got a pool I mean it's pretty high everybody in there's a fucking model all the dudes are gorgeous I go up to one guy I feel like a troll in there I go up to one guy was like hey man where are the where the weights and he

was like Mark Norman I was like yes he goes I'm a huge Tuesday I'm a huge fan of the pod why do you say Kevin Hart at the end what's up with the video when we get the video I heard Joe on rogue I mean he unloaded on wow he was he was an employee there so we're cooking so you're gonna get a membership or what nah see if he can get us in kill for an equinox would you really yeah because here's what I always say I'm always in the state I live in Queens so I'm stuck in the city a lot I'm like I'd love to go steam right now or just sit on a couch right yeah they got a reading room they got magazines in there I'd kill for

an equinox all right maybe I'll talk to the guy he was all over me hmm so that was fun I've been getting wrecking I think you're rogan kicked things up and out you're something's going on Lord I hope so I'm a few I've talked so the next night I'm going to what's the name of this thing oh sonic temple what's that again years ago I hooked up with a gal and she's like a PA grip cunt lesbo dyke thing and she's like hey we need another comic we I guess we kind of kept in touch so we know the comic to open for Andrew dice clay and I go I'm in now is this a play on Masonic temple or is that a same thing isn't that something probably

a Masonic temple it is a thing I never caught that so this is like a music venue temple is that what's going on yeah it's just a music fest but sonic not my sonic okay thank you well done fatty so I go I'm in you know I don't care about heavy metal I don't give a shit about disturbed or lamb of God but fucking I'm down you know you got to mix it up try new things I would have done a hip-hop fest or a Yanni or whatever you got so it's out in Columbus I fly out on Saturday morning get to Columbus go to the hotel take a shower I show up it's pretty small it's all in one football stadium and then there's a side stage not

Ohio Stadium it's called Map Fray Stadium all right you know Ohio Stadium is like 100,000 people this is about 50,000 okay I don't know it still something that's a stadium quite a quite a spectacle that's a lot of people so I show up she's like hey here's your dressing room Craig gas is here in Eleanor Kerrigan all these very nice LA comics who happen to work with Dice a lot so I'm the I'm the odd man out here so so they go hey here you go the catering was amazing I went ham at catering ham so finally I get backstage the big show it's in the tent it used to be called rock on the range oh I were hearing about that then the people

split up and now they call it sonic temple so there's a big comedy tent I walk around everybody's fucking heavy metal doubt neck tattoos change everybody looks like Big J you know it's like a lot of fat people and white trash and all this shit well that's hurtful well no I love Big J but the women looked like that wild that's what I should have said so yeah so I get there I watch a couple bands it's just a lot of like you're gonna die I'll kill you you know all that shit and I was crazy and I'm like people still like this yeah I never talked about this before on the pot I think I just never know when I would

listen to that yes they're they're good I mean they're very talented but I'm like what what moment in my life I might be like click it's not I shouldn't have done that careful yes it's not for me I mean I you know God love you to each is anal but I just don't get it and I feel bad there's like black security guards there like earbuds in and fucking earplugs like oh what is this shit you know it's funny is we're disturbed but we don't like the disturbed I like Bob Seeger yeah so do I and I like lamb not God so much but God stinks Foo Fighters was the big the big head I love them that's something

so I'm hanging out at this fest so now I'm ready for the comedy the comedy starts at seven I've picked out I've eaten everything I ate so much shit you would eat a Snickers ice cream bar a piece of cake seven cookies I had everything you can't I ate for you I appreciate it so we go to the comedy tent Dave Stroop is running it he owns all the books a bunch of funny bones I don't stoop so he goes hey do you know Andrew dice clay at all I'm like I've never met him that's the only reason I took the gig and he's like okay I hear he's a bit testy and I was like you don't know me there's like now I'm nervous

people have been warning me about I'm like oh fuck now I'm nervous so this kid comes backstage and I start talking this kid tall kid younger guy and he's like oh wow what are you doing here and he's talking to me kind of like why are you on the show and I was like oh I heard dice was here and that's the only reason I took the gig and he was like oh why and I'm like well he's like a legend you know I just want to meet the guy and he was like oh cool I'm his son oh thank god I didn't say anything horrific yeah so I meet the son Max Silverstein and he's in a band he's in a metal band so he's playing there so he's just hanging out

with old dad Silverstein is not a bad name for a band Silverstein yeah something not a great name but yeah yeah Steen Jew you don't too much yeah I think you're right yeah good point so he was nice so he goes all right my dad's on the way I go should I should I do anything do I should I love song yeah and he was like nah nah he's a sweetheart they always say that he's a pup pussycat you know yeah so I was like all right so he shows up and they start talking I'm like oh shit big guy like you know six to sleeveless gloves you know the whole thing boots yeah and he's got these crazy shades on and I'm like oh my god so he walks up

dice walks right up to me and I'm sitting on a chair like a lawn chair in the back of his tent he goes hey hey get up and I go hey and I stand up and he goes let's get a picture and I go what and he goes yeah I heard you only here cuz I was here yeah and he goes yeah I fucking love that let's get a photo I'm taking a photo with dice oh it's amazing I put it on my Instagram you can see that I'm squirreling I'm like oh I don't know what to do he's got no sleeves on I'm freaking out so I go on hot set this crowd was bananas they just wanted they wanted it raw I'm doing pedophilia at school shooting and they're eating it

right up with a spoon baby sure so he goes up and I got to tell you you know I've never seen the guy live this guy MSG in the 80s one of the biggest comics of all time yada yada influence Hickory Dickory Doc the whole thing he goes up and you go I'm gonna watch he was never my cup of jizz but I go I'm gonna watch yeah you see why these guys get to where they get to yeah it was great right it was great I mean I wouldn't I wouldn't say the you know this guy's not reinventing the wheel the writing isn't you know it's not fucking Stephen Wright but he goes up and he's smoking and the crowd is just like oh shit there he is and he

completely owns the fucking room he puts he takes a cigarette out of his mouth he goes the fucking sound here is terrible and they're just like it is it is terrible he's like who's on the fucking blower and some guys like I'm doing the sound he's like you fucking shit man the place is going crazy and he totally brings him to him I was up there shucking and jiving I'm sweating my balls off I got you know shit running down with a the crack of my ass I'm just so I'm just trying to win him over the whole time for 20 minutes he went up there within two minutes they were on the fucking heels like loving him it was

amazing to watch now how many were we talking here there's they're not 50,000 people no no it's probably like 600 people in a tent okay oh I see so it was substantial but it was a small gig he was like what the fuck am I doing here huh this is beneath me and they're like it is yeah you're the dice so he starts doing shit and they're reciting it and they're like wooing and everything he's like you guys ever do this and people are like wow and he's like one time I open for Def Lepper and people are like yeah I mean they're going crazy does he kill he kills kills kills I mean it was like he had them it was like a puppet master

thing he could go over here he could go over there they were on board with everything wow it was a real like cult thing where you could see like oh this guy's got it right got this thing where he's a magnetic he's dynamic he's captivated he's a star he is a star and so that was fun to watch and he did like a half hour and it was great and top to bottom killed it and we all hung out after and now this is where it gets interesting okay it's already interesting I say low self-esteem but this kid emails me or messages me he's a Tuesday and he goes hey man I'm coming to sonic temple I saw you're there all I

want to do is meet you and all this shit I love the pot I'm gay the whole thing so I was like oh yeah whatever and he goes I'm at the comedy tent right now where are you I'm like I'm backstage and he's like well should I meet you backstage or upstage or what do you want to go I come back here so I bring this guy Ryan Ford great guy brings a girlfriend and he goes I got something for you and I go oh yeah hands me a bag of mushrooms wow and so I go but they're in the caplets what do you what do you call it my friend those are Montague's of the capulets you know they're their capsules okay a pill like a gel cap seems nice

is everything I hear about mushrooms you throw up and they taste like shit exactly yeah they're horrible so I go what's the deal he goes if you want to really have a good time take three if you want to you know kill yourself take four you gave me six so I go all right thanks man thanks we hug we do some photos we kiss we blow each other he leaves and now I'm done now it's like eight and I'm done this fucking jamming out going on in this stadium I got catering I got booze so I go let me get a couple beers in me and I go back to my room and I go fuck it I pop two mushrooms okay what the hell else am I

doing I gotta kill a night here Columbus is a fine town fine town but I'm staying on the compound here I'm not leaving this so I popped the two mushrooms I got like three IPAs in me and like within 20 minutes I'm sitting on a picnic table Sun is setting I'm sitting next to dice and we're talking about comedy and I'm tripping balls oh my god was it so it was so surreal like I never met this guy and then 20 minutes later I'm talking comedy with dice you know say what you will about him this is still you know comedy legend legend and I'm in a picnic of the Sun is setting I got Papa Roach in the distance my life in two

pieces like I can hear that in one ear then the other year I got could you believe what these fucking woke guns are up to oh I couldn't believe it I had to keep like centering myself like all right don't freak out don't freak out I know this is crazy it felt like it felt like if you were gonna do shrooms like you're playing mad libs like okay Papa Roach with shrooms talking to introduce clay in Ohio you know that's amazing now what do you tell him you're on mushrooms no no cuz I didn't want anybody to talk about it I just wanted to like live it right through it I didn't want everybody go what are you

feeling what's it like what do you see in shit well you know so it was just the craziest night and I took two two is the perfect amount you know you're alone it's good to have a shroom buddy yes so this was a real eye-opener for me because I was never a big dice guy and then I go well I have these I have this VIP pass because I performed I can go backstage of a fucking arena or what do you call a football stadium and watch Papa Roach now this isn't my cup of jizz but I got backstage you know this there's a zillion people out there so I go backstage I'm watching them and again much like dice you wonder why these guys are

millionaires they were fucking ripping baby got something everywhere you watch even if it's a band you're not into a bit of these festivals the people that headline when you watch him you're like oh there's something has happening here even if it's not your style yes exactly yes so it's like Chris Rock I heard of an interview years ago we gotta wrap this up who I heard of an interview he goes they go what do you think of Dane Cook was when everybody was hating Dane Cook whenever that was and he goes hey hey hey that guy bought his mom a house they're like yeah but is he funny and he's like he's got he's doing something

right right everything like that's a good point and that's how I felt about Dyson Papa Roach this isn't my jizz but they're killing it they're working it figuring it out yeah so I'm just tripping ball watching Papa Roach I'm seeing the crowd like breathing you know that waving yeah they're all going crazy I stare at the crowd surfing there's tons of crowd surfing going on and I look down and then at the edge of the stage the crowd surfing has to end right you know so there's 10 feet between the stage and the crowd so I'm like are they just gonna topple onto the ground like what's gonna happen here

there's about 20 buff white guys like football dudes and they're just catching people and putting down that's their whole job yeah put them down all day all day they're catching girls I watched one girl go down she went belly down because people were in tits you know me too she got me too by like 1500 people so the coolest part was I'm watching the crowd surfing and some girl gets up crowds over in a wheelchair what and I'm tripping just like oh my god cut my life into pieces and I just see the wheelchair lady on the crowd bobbin through the crowd wow now she got halfway through and at some point the

wheelchair and her broke up they split because it's calamity up there it's chaos Jesus so she splits with the wheelchair and she's like a paraplegic so she's like looks like a fucking cork in a sea you know it's like the end of Big Lebowski and the wheelchairs often you know the lala and it's all it's doing great the wheelchairs having a time of its life but this lady's getting a little panicky she's like I can't use my legs they kept surfing the wheelchair they wanted to keep it with her so so it's like behind her yes yes I thought it went different direct like they parted ways well it's like the

current though the boats getting away from the owner you know I like Wilson yes it was Wilson yes castaway diet so finally she gets to the edge and they have to have eight guys because like you can't like hold her leg or legs useless I like she doesn't help you it's dead weight spaghetti legs yes yes so they have to like gently bring her down and then they have to wait four minutes for the wheelchair to come across so they have to hold her up oh it was like a scarecrow is bananas you say jet Lee don't make me angry so yeah they finally get the wheelchair and she was like so relieved you can see like oh thank God

I thought I lost my only my only hope here that's my ride home yeah wow that is home yeah so she got on that and they wheeled her fucking mutant ass out of there and it was just a great night I got drunk and went back to the hotel and slept all night and got back on the plane and flew to New York was back in New York by to the next day had a great time though the weather in New York the cleavage is out just everybody's happy every restaurant is packed every side table on the sidewalk is jumping it's a great time to be alive and what a pod good to have you back and it's nice to see I've been here since the 70s yeah feel

at home again I know so and thanks for sticking with us through all the phoneers and the skipped weeks and the best whatever the fuck we I don't remember what we did but we've recorded here since the yeah hey yeah I mean Europe and you're touring and stuff like that so I got back from Europe you went to Europe you got back from wherever I went to wherever yep yeah well you did LA you did this and that so it's good to be back good to see it do you have time to stroll oh you gotta go I gotta go shortly but your lady's about to be here I think but I texted her she's she's she's gonna meet a friend we're gonna we'll stroll

together a little bit but anyways we got to do some plug was recording three now in a week so oh shit I'm making some stuff up save some stuff now I got some stuff I got some stuff okay okay great but anyways you got this weekend Friday Saturday Sunday Syracuse funny bone with Caitlin Palufo Big Dick Rogers come on out that's this weekend Syracuse funny bone Friday Saturday Sunday no Thursday come on out get some tickets tell a friend bring a friend next Thursday May 30th one night only in Tacoma come down from Bellingham or Everett or Seattle wherever the fuck you are Tacoma one night only and then Tuesday to a week

from today live episode Tuesdays with stories we got Corinne Fisher from fucking guys we fucked we got Chris Allen yes Chris Allen hopefully a surprise guest you never know maybe a surprise guest that's next Tuesday Village Underground and I got a bunch of dates coming up that I should go look at my thing I don't know where July Gotham are you doing got them doing Gotham July something if you're in the city here please come out July 12th and 13th that's an exciting gig I'm pumped for that July 12 and 13 and oh and then Providence comedy connection June 28 29 27 28 29 I think yeah 27 28 29 Providence

comedy connection come to that Syracuse this weekend Tacoma next Thursday live episode and then get on the Patriot you have video yes we're gonna have a video of the whole podcast on Patreon starting this week starting Wednesday I'll be up there not to mention the live apps are on the patreon and we should film those as well yeah those live episodes to me the best episodes I think I mean we're something about the Tuesdays coming out and that comedy so it's just magic every time yeah so I honestly feel if you're done on the patreon you haven't heard the best episodes well cuz we get a little more real you know there's no

this we got a cloak on the patreon you know we we know it's only the good eggs so we kind of divulge more yeah it gets a little while out there all right you good you got it yeah this week I mean if you're in the Portland Oregon area I'm gonna come back to poor I'm doing a corporate but they're opening it to the public wow so I get this it's company but I'm gonna do an hour so come out to Portland at the Lagunita's community room in Portland Oregon that's on Saturday the 25th then I'm at Carlson County the Carlson in Rochester New York with fat Chris Al then bananas and Hasbrook Heights Jersey where are you Jersey then

the DC draft house one of my favorite cities one of my favorite rooms let's sell that puppy out baby all weekend come on by Tuesdays helium and Buffalo love Buffalo love that city love that club then we got a mean woo ha ha have you done woo ha ha did it a few weeks ago yeah it's fun all right what's April yeah what's there I always say whatchester and everybody yells at me yeah come to woo ha ha comedy helium coming to Indianapolis you always say what am I coming to Indy I'm coming to Indy folks I can't wait to do club then the big boy Denver comedy works one of the best in the biz I love Denver love

everybody Sacramento punchline West Coast let's get after it Addison improv in Tejas and Magoobies after that and Spokane and Tacoma just like Joe blow over there and roar at the MGM so a lot of fun stuff Mark Norman comedy dot com get on the patreon blow your uncle tell a friend merch pump laughable Chipotle yell at them we still love Ubers and yeah God bless you thanks for sticking with us and we'll see you in hell braze Allah