Tuesdays with Stories! - #299 Wacky Vargas

Episode Date: May 28, 2019

Mark and Joe are back for another hot one as Joe solves his medical issues after running into a kook on the train while Mark does a gig in a tattoo parlor before a big audition. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and more! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download Show

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me holy dick ass cheese in my hot dog bun kweef semen Nazi yes HIV should be negative it's not really a good thing oh I say what you mean I think it's like HIV affirmative haha like they're saying

it's positive you got it right right but it's you know we sounds like oh yeah positive right you good yeah but I would not want HIV yeah but seems like they're doing some good things with it yeah but that's like on the surface I think behind the scenes still a bummer you gotta get IVs and needles and I think I think there's a lot of pills in business magic Johnson is fucked up behind the scenes I'm not saying he's fucked up but it's a lot of it's better to not have it than it is to have well I mean Larry Bird is doing better than magic I don't know I think magic got more money probably and yeah we don't movie

theaters bird ain't got no movie theaters no no birds got diddly no yeah I guess you're right well yeah he was on a team or something Celtics I think he coached somebody oh really he coached I think he's a CEO or a president of Chick-fil-A or something so he's doing something they hate the gaze can I say this as I do in the times we're living in as a white man as you see an old white guy yelling at a black kid it's always like oh shit but if he's a coach it's great yes white men are good coaches black men are also but the best coaches have been white but certainly they've gotten more opportunities in the coaching field I

but I'm just saying you see a black a white guy old white guy in a suit yelling at a black kid you're kind of like oh this is this is awkward but as a coach it looks like he's a he's on board right right yeah coach is good he's saving lives right but yeah my dad yelled at you know Webster people be up in arms yeah and in the words of Chris Rock Phil Jackson nobody has brought more brothers to the promised land or whatever the hell I believe it was Pat Riley ah shit you know Jackson since that was 96 so Phil Jackson it was on his way he had won like five at that point so it's interesting he didn't pick Jackson all

right but I guess Riley was more of a you know a hotter name at the time it's a funnier name Pat Riley yeah he's got slicked hair that's something well we're a little off we're a little wacky here we had a weird to do just now the fans are gonna hate us we just fucked in the ass yeah well we broke a promise already we tried to set up the cameras Shelby was here slaving over two cameras and I had a hissy fit the whole thing we bought go pros we got tripod the tripod just a dildo with legs and that thing didn't work we got to send that back I hate sending things back no I just I just rebuy I just throw it under the couch

or whip it at a homeless guy and buy a new one I can't be sending stuff back I'll give you these tripods they hit a hobo with cuz I hate you gotta get a box you gotta go to UPS UPS hate you they go with the mayor you we give you mail you don't give us mail you get a box from the homeless guy ah maybe don't hit him just take his box the box gonna be covered in feces either way we can't take this back this hobo blood on it a box a box homosexual yes well so we got no video but by the way the other videos not even up yet either so well that'll be up by the time this is out I hope but we said

Wednesday and it's Thursday now it's Tuesday so hopefully that's out now it's out but how do these kids do it every every dick Tom and Harry and pussy has got a pod out with video and we try once and though the kitchen catches on fire yeah well we're morons I think we got to go see a old AB over there in East Village a B Alex bristle oh I don't know but I think he's friends with Larry David and he golfed with Merlin Burrell and he blew Tom Hanks he's got some crazy stories he's got a studio but it's in by Mel Brooks what's that you said he was raped by Mel Brooks oh they said this was written by Mel Brooks oh no he's he

knows all the big Jews yeah and so maybe we should move over there I don't know Brazil if you if you're hearing it call in because we need a studio because we're in my apartment I'm sitting on a cum stained and you have list is farting it up oh I shouldn't have said that you might not want you farting in this place what do you mean oh he's got a still he's got aerosol he knows the aerosol guy all right but anyway but I don't want to go over to the alphabet city yeah well you there's a price to farting in a new home yeah I guess so my farts are bad but yeah Shelby was here and he was really working I felt bad because it's one of

those situations where I'm not helping but if I tried to help it would be less help yeah so I'm like I'll just sit this out I'll read about anxiety and the Vargas nerve because it's too many cooks in the kitchen I don't know shit about anything yeah I don't know either but I will say you leaned in at one point and that does make a difference I got the thing on there yes I clicked it on and that helped but but a gesture goes a long way I feel like that's not set enough in society well I tried a gesture I said can I do anything but Shelby doesn't he's not always responsive he doesn't give you an answer it's kind of frustrating yeah I

don't think he likes us I think he dislikes us something went shit shit wire on the camera and he went god damn it and I went what's up and he went you know that yeah well shit yeah I think that we're gay we have a we have a in-guest audience member to I'm Dustin this year with his reading glasses he's reading his phone and there's an audience member here yeah Tom took the bus in from bean town to do Ari show yeah we got a big storytelling show soft open at the stand listening to this I assume you missed it maybe someone will still be like some gays there

might be some gays and maybe somebody you'll you know release it I don't know crazy show it's Sean Patton Big J. O'Korson Sal Volcano superstar yeah listener I don't think it listens anymore and Bennington the legend wow gee this is a heavy hitters and Tom Dustin and I are gonna tell a story Tom's a little nervous I think we're gonna be great you guys gonna be killer what are you kidding yeah you got a million stories you've never told on the seller stage they're gonna be dying to hear this well this is the stand I say stand stage so I don't know but we brought a photo and we have a photo to prove our

story from oh six it's framed it's blue it's gay and minute are you telling the horror story it's not really horrors we got robbed I thought they were horrors they were horrors but like it wasn't like we you know went to a whorehouse all right a couple of horrors can be mobile well because it's horse stories that aren't this one oh there's other good this isn't getting robbed or you got a whore whole whore section yeah we got a whore that's a try to get it is that what you said I said horse I was trying to punt it up to whore I see what was hard to yeah yeah whore or whore or whore or whore or sluts or sluts or

like Jamie Baker what's her name Lee Curtis yeah I'm after that Jamie Bateman that's a myth from the footage I've seen now we talked about this before on the part we got to the bottom of this one before I miss Shelby I think he used to like us at Google he'd be on Mike he doesn't want to be on Mike anymore he seems upset I think he hates us well Shelby's an odd duck he's yeah I think the insides of him are made of hay because you farted and we were all me and Tom are going holy hell I can't walk in here it's thick I can't smell I can't see straight my eyes are watering and we go hey Shelby you smell that he goes yeah

I think he made a motion I can't tell well we love you Shelby we're very grateful and sorry the cameras didn't work yeah gotta go back to Jupiter there and return them yeah appreciate the hell Jupiter yeah they gotta go back with that weird and the Jews over there like the Kebler elves they're all running around there's conveyor belts and pulleys trains yes cookies you know trains and Jews have not always worked out but in this one it's it's going pretty well so far how about a porn I love one calls how there's more yeah called run in a train and it's all Jews running a train on a Nazi girl but the girl is doing the

throat cut thing the goodbye Jews girl two different people remember when they pull it in and she does that the head slice that's right it's quite chilling cut back to it now that's a that's a Jew the Jew this is a Nazi lady there's a Nazi good there's a couple of great roles for children there yes there's the pink jacket lady that dies and then there's the fucking slice your throat you're all gonna die right Spielberg's been very good to the children yeah he's giving them some dark dark roles ET and hook hook a lot of kids too many kids yeah run home jack you're doing it Peter roofie oh I never cared for roofie oh I

found him off putting I didn't like his haircut he had a bit of an attitude and not to mention a middrift drift sorry is it drift I think it's drift isn't it there's no tea isn't it's causing a rift that's a T that's a T no that's an F no you don't like teas it's for a guy who drinks three cups of it you're not a fan of tease I like being teased like a I remember one time I am being teased I have a girl sexually addicted I had a girlfriend middrift it is riff yeah FF yeah alright so there's no T good to know thank we got a new Shelby hey Tommy um but I remember one time I had a girlfriend and she used to do a thing where she

would hold my head down and then she would sit on my face but hover her vagina over my fit just out of reach where I couldn't quite and then she would graze it on on my lips like I'm doing with the mic here which you'd be able to see if the cameras were working lip to lip yeah it was a little great and she would kind of masturbate a little bit and I would stick my tongue on she said put your tongue back in your mouth you faggot whoa it was hot and so I would just be a little lifting and it was nice for both of us Wow I'm turned on now who's who's opening was bigger hers or yours opening her

vagina opening in your mouth the mouth is well my got a small mouth as you know but a vagina is pretty small I think if I got in there and pulled it it would be wider than my mouth but just regular it's smaller than my mouth but my mouth was barely open to it was like a whistly kind of oh Bobby Kelly's on the show also I but anyways I would have a little lip squeeze yeah just a little like her lip and then I would like I would try to sneak my tongue and she'd like get rid of the time she'd smack me in the ear my tongue would go back in naturally it's amazing that clit because one time I was banging the lady with the with a shirt

I was wearing a shirt because we just had gotten into it rip it off I'm a fat kid I always find the t-shirt then gets on involved in the dick well that's what I was gonna say so I was plowing her her legs were up she was laying on the bed I was standing and the shirt was wishing and washing in the wind and she was like the shirt feels so good what the shirt I got five inches of meat in you and you're worried about the fucking Mickey Mouse shirt I'm wearing was it a fooboo why was it so big and wavy you could have used a middrift by the way I could have yes a drift it was a red bull flag shirt I don't know why it was waving in the

wind and who's turning her on she was so I was I was perplexed later I was like the shirt the shirt I still look at this shirt I have jealousy I've tension with it was there a man on it was it like a pocket like a Robert Redford shirt or Robert Redford that should go to for a hunk he's very attractive no it was Ron Jeremy but either way the shirt was kicking my ass sexually brutal bro she was going on the shirt the shirt well I found this before different than the shirt this was my own my ball back I was fucking the same previous girl doggy style I'm listening I'm listening my bag yeah it was you know a long long red

bag and my LRB was flipping around getting the clip I've been there the bag stimulates yeah because your bag my bag is kind of like a clit like it dangles because the two balls clits don't dangle oh shit I talked to my wife geez no they dangle a little bit they flip out a little bit there's a little flap that's labia oh the labia then all right I was a big diff but the big rift the labia is below the clit is that correct no the labia is the outer lips but the clit is out there too none of the clit is under the hood the toral hood I don't have a hood well Dravon did no I think the clit and then the labia is

like the curtains around the clit yes right the lay of the curtains yeah beef curtains as they call them so they dangle but the clit can dangle just a little it's movable but you touch it your finger in a little fiddle button so it's not flapped no I never said it was flat but but a non another story not a dangle but it's lifted it's raised yes like a child it's weird but anyways my ball bag is similar because the balls are so low that the skin gets pulled down but there's one little slice of the bag is kind of feels clitty like a like a curtain even all right I'll give you that so that was flopping on her clit and I

got I got some bag stem bag stem yes that's good yeah bags don't get you know right all balls are gross they're so gross but every now and then they come through in a pinch well they come all right yes through my sock now have you had this because when you fight as you get closer to coming the balls get close to the bottom to make it a nice hot load totally I've had one ball sneak back up into my abdomen during sex like I come on her and then I have to shove up my ball like a little what yeah it happens quite a bit Sarah's the witness Tom has this also twice both balls oh my god oh man two more it's a walk

oh yeah I've never had this yeah then you got to grab the ball and then pull up to push him push him out yeah this is making me feel better Tom Dustin is signaling he has the same thing I've never he does like a double like a DJ like you scoop him out what mine's only one because one ball is so low that even when it gets close right it's fucking still three inches from my dick yeah yeah same minor I guess mine are even lower because I've never had this up suck yeah they get so close in it but you're a little younger I mean maybe in 11 months you'll have this no way because this happened when I was three years ago when you pass

that age yeah I was thinking you were always a year and a half but you are but then you still catch the age that I was at maybe you're having better gassums than I am or worse your sound better two balls in your body orgasms not as good as two loose balls okay it doesn't hurt to put it's like laying an egg you got to get it out of there it feels awkward it's awkward doesn't hurt but it's a weird moment we're like I don't think I have a ball anymore now let's say you didn't push it down yourself could you walk around and maybe you're watching a movie and it would just I think it would sprinkle out

eventually but you remember you and I had this problem we did the live pod at Philly we were up at the hotel roof remember I was freaking out about it oh yeah we were rebooking your train but I had a ball pain my balls were tangled or no what happened when that one was my balls was it was faced straight up you ever have that like and and like I like it's about to kick off the football no it's usually they're like kind of diagonal diagonal minor in a bag they're all wishy-washy they're doing their own thing but they're laid out like this like this is a ball it's shake it's like this yeah I guess so mine was like one was

like that like normal the other one was like one was vertical horizontal yeah and I didn't like it was a t-square wow how do you know about the ball so much I feel I play with them a lot interesting I mean I massage them but I never felt the up and down of it oh I get in there ever since Tom Green had a TV show I really feel my ball there you go comedy can help I just pulled a puke off the mic I saw it on you the whole time I didn't have the heart to say anything real gross yeah it was a long puke it's still on there it's like button in my lips together yeah I think you got it feels like a dusting puke yeah

it smells like it well anyways how much time we have left cuz I don't have anything I got a bunch of stuff actually I got a few things here's a quick easy one a fun little oh a little dab will do you hit me fat last night I'm on the train I did your show hot soup yes you were on stage I walked in you were I saw you on stage and then my Derek calls I went back outside talked to him when I came back in you were gone so yeah I didn't know where you went I missed you but you were shitting I chatted with the it was Ruby and Vita and Todd Barry nice group we'll talk more about that off camera oh boy the pubes back what's on

the mic it's on the job's hold on we're gonna need a bigger afro there we go it's right on the the what do you call that thing the muff hoof I think I got it I think you got it something all right so you're at the house so I did the hot soup great show by the way yeah it was a hot one they were they were fun they were good I leave there I hop on the f-train and I'm riding for about one stop two stops and all of a sudden I'm reading a book Helter Skelter as you know I'm standing there there's a large african-american woman standing next to me yep and all of a sudden I hear a bunch of screaming I turn and there's a big

gangly goofy Asian oh he didn't hold on to anything when the train started to take off and the train was a bit of a I don't know who's driving it must have been Ted Kennedy or something it was like a real like it was doing that every time so everyone kind of moved but this guy went ass over Asian tea kettle and just hit me he lay fell through me that's over green tea kettle that's not bad uh-huh green tea oh even better then he fell through I kind of fell through like foot feet up but yeah oh he was alright he was old and he was long we were all long it was like me a lot of Rebecca Lobo if she was black and Rebecca

Robo he was a Yao Ming he was Yao Ming yes and his hair went flying you know that hair where there's just like weird patches it's not like a regular bald yeah it's like a patch here and over here yeah you might have to have yeah I think maybe I'm not positive but you don't see a lot of old long Asians no he was longer than an average Asian probably five nine this guy five nine that's pretty high for an age no he was probably 511 I'm gonna say 61 years old but he went fully down like on the ground slid and kind of like did a whole thing and then this I thought was unnecessary but hilarious the African

America lady next to me went you guys sit your ass down and that was just classic classic New York yeah I mean the guy's clearly the lowest point of his life he's sad he's probably got three broken bones and his cigarettes probably got squished they love to smoke the Asian yeah they do it's an old thing from the old country no one smokes like the Asians oh no they are I mean Europeans they smoke but it's like romantic right they have one after a meal the Asian they're just going for it and Jews smoke fish but that's about it I would say Jews smoke the least of any gender I believe it yeah you don't see a lot of

biker Jews smoking and hitting the nip because gays smoke after sex I think or whatever ah regular maybe a Virginia slim or gays have that weird that filter thing yes like a like a Truman Capote yeah like Hyman Roth right he's a Jew better be with a name like Hyman is he gay no because you don't be gay and called Hyman kind of defeats it because I I read the European French people smoke a lot but I think Asians they got it in the bag yo yeah Jews don't really drink and smoke too much why he's up there just a regular white yeah because his Jews are white yeah so we're talking like cuz I think we're gonna break it into like

English Irish or something I don't know what are you yeah white trash they really smoke yes all right we went off on a whole thing but anyways he fell the lady said you gotta sit your ass down which I thought was a laugh and we kind of like bonding because we were holding on the same pole so we're like pole buddies nice but kind of was like nice thing good name for a gay couple do they name the couples I do in my head they don't like it well anyway so he got up and then it was embarrassing and then everyone was like telling their version everyone like splits up and tells their version you can see the guy like acting

out like I tried to catch him and this lady was like this fucking son of a bitch do you help an old Asian well a few people helped them but here's what I had I I was scared because I heard the movement and I turned and he was coming at me it was like 3d was just yeah you know and so I was I was kind of calming down I only had one hand on the pole I'm not gonna let go the pole I'll be the next gangly Asian sure and then I got the other hand of the book so I was like I got sorry I got nothing for you yeah and I kind of got to be the guy that was like hey what the fuck because he bumped into me so I was the victim here if you

ask me and then she was to sit your ass down lady and so we didn't we had our roles were taken but he was he got up and he was cool he was okay I mean he might be fucking dead now he had to play it cool and he had a hat to be like put back on it's oh another guy had his hat that was fun and he was Asian also I assume they were friends but I guess there's two billion they don't know each other I can't keep that's a big roller deck yeah I'm Lola dex Lola dex I can't do it that's a lot of hells but anyways he handed the hat back and the guy went on his way and all right you know so that's that's what I got that's a good

little New York treat a little treat it was a fun treat and then nothing brings the city together like the subway well it was really fun and I also it's just a classic move to give the person advice after the thing happened to them yeah you should have sat your ass down you're like yeah fuck I'm fucking I get it right right you know it's a good move you know does that as my manager and it drives me crazy I hate the I hate the advice after I one time I did Conan I flubbed and I got back and he was a great set you you got to work on those flubs though I'm like you think I don't know about the flow that's all I'm

thinking about is the flub I've flubbed every set as we all know except for tonight show but I like one of my favorite quotes ever is pertains to this Jackson Brown yeah he wrote when he was 24 don't confront or 17 he wrote this don't confront me with my failures I had not forgotten them I hear it I like it but then they always say forget about the past don't think about the past it's all about the now move on blah blah I move but I think he hasn't he hasn't forgot isn't to hear it hey you should have done this yeah I'm aware right I'm aware he's aware all right these eyes how's it go my eyes oh my

doctor my eyes have seen the years slow parade of tears without hiding that's a catchy one yeah he's very good all right I got some oh I you want to hear about my medical shit yeah lay it on some people get upset but I think people are interested I'm fascinated because it keeps getting worse and it feels like it keeps changing it's not good well I finally I went to see Dr. Aviv tell and he's big this guy he's he's he's a well-known doctor he's you might not recognize some of his patients Gad whoa not the comedian the guy that's overseeing everything oh that God yeah now I'm kidding

Gad and and I take it take a wild guess dear friend of mine close friend oh oh okay a V Dr. V Dr. Aviv throat doc he said you ever hear of this guy and I said one of my oldest best pals comedian yep he lives in New York obviously New York guy shit paranoid a lot of smoking a lot of drinking oh who lives in New York gigantic head oh so there is so there he said you ever hear of Dan Soder I say you got to be shitting me that's my best pal as a white smoker yeah so he goes there every he's like I'm Soder's doctor we take care he goes I even got a billions

mug whoa and I go great well I bought your book and it's really goes you got it I'll sign it for you he had to be an Instagram card and this guy is cool as a cute guy's got a nice suit not even a jacket like a not even a scrub what do you call it down coat yeah not even a lab coat like a Ted Baker suit this guy wow and it's weird it's like a celebrity doctor I've seen him on Dr. Oz and Dr. Drew and Dr. Dre and this guy he knows what he's doing this guy yeah Dr. Oz Dr. Pepper so he came in and no Dr. Pepper for me no no caffeine so he comes in he's like I'm gonna take care of you fine I'm not worried about you but he told me he

did a little scope and I tried to get out of the scope so I was like I just do one five days ago what's the scope that's when they put the long spaghetti thing down your nose and into your throat on the camera yeah oh Jesus and it's unpleasant I fucking hate it they numb your nose they spray shit in your nose they put a camera down there it's a whole ordeal it's unpleasant and so I said just have one five days ago so I was hoping you could just help me and he goes well what are your symptoms I said I can't breathe and he goes if you said if you didn't mention the breathing I wouldn't do it but the breathing he's like

we gotta this is serious shit so he sticks it up my ass and then he goes it's ready so he takes it up puts it in my nose I'm nervous the shit he puts it in my nose I got it he's like you got to keep your eyes this is what scares me the doctor when they say this no matter what keep your eyes open what cuz then I get scared that if I close my eyes my dick's gonna turn off wait wait wait now I'm confused you were up your ass when your dick your nose is bleeding well the ass was a joke that's bleeding so he's got the camera my nose but he said you gotta keep your eyes open because what happens is when you close your eye when

you're gagging people tend to go and you tense up and it closes everything oh you can't get a good view so he's like you got to keep your eyes open it seems like if your eyes are open you're gonna tense it's less pleasant cuz I gotta look I'm looking at this big guy yes sticking a camera down my nose so it was really unpleasant I'm itching my nose now which is probably psychosomatic wow did it hurt I'm terrified having things go up my nose it doesn't hurt but it's extremely unpleasant and then you can feel it touching the back of your it goes down your nose and into your throat that feeling I know it's

unpleasant so he's doing that and then he pulls out and he goes yeah you got a thing and this is what's called right in calling if you have it paradoxical vocal cord movement also known as paradoxical vocal cord disorder whoa and so what's happening is my vocal cords which we use a lot oh yeah especially as comedians yes they they're supposed to be open like this like a Vulcan mine are closing when they're supposed to be open and he would quite show me the video oh cool and he goes look at here he's like you're talking and your shit is closed and he goes now I'm talking on the because you can hear him on the video

then when I'm talking on the video it sounds like this whoa you sound normal now which is odd what do you mean well you think you would fuck with your vocal cords in your voice but you sound the same no it sounded weird because the camera was in my body oh so but yeah I feel a little horsey but pony yeah Key West any who so he showed me he's like now in the video he's like you can hear I'm talking right now and your vocal cords are just squeezed together so air is just not coming in my vocal cords are closing I'm killing myself Jesus H and so he's like you hear me a whole pamphlet like I studied this for 10

years then he says now here's the American healthcare system he says you got to go see we have Dr. Schneider she's the best he's like one therapy session with her you'll be better yeah maybe two at the most you do some breathing exercise she'll show you what to do not a problem a lot of people have it I studied it for 10 years you'll be fine yeah great I'll wear bring her in they're all you make an appointment at the desk I go make an appointment they go oh she's only here Mondays and Thursday at her appointments book fast she's famous she's got all the big singers oh boy so I go all right when do

I go June 17th well that's not that's a you know half a month that's a month 17th half a month it's only May 23rd all right that's a that's seven that's 24 days oh I can't breathe can't breathe I got 24 days I'm like can you give me a hint a tip wow a pamphlet something you're like the fat guy on Staten Island the cop choked yeah what was his name Michael Baker Steve sure I can't remember that guy that one was there was Michael Brown that was St. Louis that was Mike Brown Eric Garner Garner I can't breathe yes he can't breathe without I feel he was similar but a little less you know wronged but it's still a bummer and so I

got I gotta try to fucking relax I got the reflux to he's like he got serious reflux he's like but that'll go away he's like it takes at least a hundred days okay he's like we're talking this was 37 years he's like you didn't just get it three months ago that's when it exploded he's like this has been going on for years wow so he's like I'm not worried about that he's like a void tomato sauce everybody listen to this oh I just had a big pile today well you don't have it you're all right but I could get it if I keep eating but I ain't exclusive for sodas a day okay cigars yeah yeah extra hot sauce yeah I do chicken parm

extra sauce pizza extra saw exclusively no veggies no fruit it's almost impressive that you got it it takes a lot to get that I think that's a lot of pizza sauce yeah I mean it's it's crazy and a lot of coke and then stress and anxiety but anyway so this thing happens from the things that caused paradoxical blah blah blah are shouting a lot of exertion of the vocal chords then stress anxiety got it and reflux so I got like the big three yeah the trifect and then involved in that is your Vargas nerve which a few people a few Tuesdays messaged me about I got a wacky Vargas so it's causing I think

anxiety my heart rates all off and my luck I can't get I'm all fucked up I've never struggled like this and it even causes depression I've been dealing with depression I think it's all the Vargas nerve is all wacky they say it's all connected you know the wrist bones connected to the Vargas it all goes hand-in-hand it's so true the stress the brain the body the food we're all one Sid Farcus yes I'm all wacky so I got to figure out some breathing exercises I did a little googling but I don't want to go to googly because then I fucking lose my mind can't go to go because I'm reading this thing about vocal cord it

can cause fucking heart attack and whatever and choking episodes but it's gay I'm like I can't breathe and it's worse with stress when I get stressed I can't fucking sure but at least I have an answer but I'm like I just want to see her now I'm like I feel like I want to kill myself we can't breathe which I've had for three months the worst I want to fucking kill myself so I get the one nostril close at night I want to kill my asshole I know so I don't know but anyways that's what I got Dr. Aviv and I got it oh but this was gonna say I was like yeah I have a broken diet a couple I've had chocolate chip cookies like I

don't care about that chocolate chip cookies like I prefer you have a piece of dark chocolate the cookies like the sugary process shits the worst part but if you have a cookie you have a cookie all right I'm in business back to cookies and he's got mostly worried about onions tomato sauce and vinegar and lemon juice the lemon really they say the biggest myth of throat vocal care is lemon water wow complete bullshit I love real bad for you yeah wow you give me a few other myths too I was listening to a sleep podcast because I can't sleep and struggle myself melatonin is a hormone did you know that no what's that mean

melatonin I take these pills all the time to sleep you know they say it's all natural it's an herb or it's not an herb it's a hormone but what's a hormone exactly that's testosterone estrogen those are hormones oh I see so it's like you're taking that shit you're hormonal I hear people say that but I never know what that means exactly well your hormones get all fired up you know it makes you horny it makes you angry mood swings does that mean you're extra horny is this why you're a horny guy I don't think so no it was horny before the mel hmm but I'm just saying like everything we learn about sleep and slap

and sloop is all wrong like naps are good but only for 25 minutes right they got all these tricks if you're gonna go past 25 minutes you got to go an hour hour and a half or else you hate yourself and it's not about how much sleep you get it's about how deep the sleep is if you can get a good deep six hour that's gold all right so it was all these cool things but I love when they would just when they uncover everything like when I was a kid don't drink too much water don't have too much water now it's water water water well dr. V says 48 ounces a day for proper vocal care oh and how about this fun nugget I think

you're gonna like I love it nugget you're gonna love this nugget Denver whispering is as bad as shouting never whisper you see you're because you're really that whatever you're doing it strains the vocal cords because it's a different movement or something wow whispering very bad they're good on that one I've never heard one of them whisper and if you're having so problems you can look them up it's it just Google Dr. Aviv Atlantic Records he does a thing he works with all these musicians big music music guy that's nice about New York City we got the best doctors in the world you got that right like if I was had

this and fucking you know Lawrence Kansas well there's a university there whatever North Dakota they might be like what the fire you got allergies and anal and your mother's gay you're a pussy suck it up put some dirt on it but the problem is I can't see this so if you have any Vargas nerve or vocal paradoxical vocal tips hit me with them I didn't figure out a breeze yeah the throat is it goes unchecked we go I got a sore throat I got his itch in there I got a frog in my ass whatever they say but the throat we use it every night we scream we get heckled we yell we whisper our vocals are going up and down like

this all the time in an hour set and I'm here up for Reggie Watts once famous comedian slash musician and he's a big pothead but he doesn't want to smoke weed because he's worried about his throat yes so he takes THC drops and just puts them in a Budweiser just boop boop boop and then chugs it oh wow that's how he gets high but it's the same high it's just no smoking that's smart yeah yeah I gotta figure something out I'm all stressed I'm all right but I think the Vargas is activated now I'm reading earlier right while we were trying to figure out the cameras that the cold can activate your Vargas nerves you can

take like a 30 second cold shower and that helps and then deep belly breathing I'm trying that shit but I think it's why I started having panic attacks and my heart rates all fucked up I'm all wacky but it all stems from diet and stress God if you were still drinking hard you'd be dead because this would be coming up with the Vargas and all that with the mix with the booze because right now you're eating a pound of jizz you're eating a pound of veggies you would never be able to do all that I know well I'm lucky but as part of it though I got sober and now they say when you when you quit drinking the for 90 days you just

eat whatever do whatever just don't drink I just never stop doing that right I just kept going with that sodas and cookies and everyone like I'm getting a shot I'm like I'll get another cookie right so I just did that oh man I did a show last night it was one of these hell gigs I'm not gonna say who it was because they were very nice but it was literally bad Mike no spotlight middle of a bar people are walking past you and you're going hey all right so I live in the West Village it's a gay neighbor you know just trying to say something no one cares they're just clinking drinks and yelling over you and then the mic goes

and I get heckled by eight guys it was brutal but after it was one of those like hey man you tried up there you gave it your all a guy's got me to headlock he goes we're doing shots oh all right I'll do a shot boom what do you want to drink I was like I'll just have a Scotch all right we're doing another shot and I'm like I'm good I got a Scotch here I've done two shots already it's a it's a school night I gotta get back I'm doing this and that in the morning another shot and I don't know how you do it because I I like being drunk but this guy wouldn't take a no for an answer yeah well that's you're not taking no for an answer

you're not giving no for an answer you're not taking something that's on you that's on me at one point don't tell anybody but I grabbed a shot glass it was like eight guys at the bar and they did the clink you know you clink glasses and then you hit the bar with it yeah with the glass whatever that means I never got I never like I never got into that I hate all the rituals it's stupid and then one time I clinked water and the guys like water you're gonna die one day why are we making these rules so I never like to toast at all the touching it's all awkward I don't need to touch so I click the glass I bring it down and I

tilt it and I pour the whole shot out into the bar mat oh like like Beverly D'Angelo a Christmas vacation yes she's flinging the peas yes so I should tilt it and then put it to my mouth oh I do a fake burn oh nice and I slam it down I go who smooth that's fun but yeah that's what it's come to now I'm doing a fake pour classic gag yeah you gotta say no I'm not drinking fuck off yeah yeah I mean a headlock the guy that's finger in my ass I didn't know what to do all right well now I know how to get to my finger in your ass it didn't make sense I've been asking asking

that's queen oh what else did I have I had another thing oh I could talk about comics a little bit I did comics Roadhouse oh he's getting Connecticut please which we talked about a little bit last week where I've done about 11 things well we I think we mentioned this already in the show where I'm like all right now we're now it's all over now I'm gonna be celebrity status well let's let's go through the mill here last comic standing Letterman I thought was gonna be something killed on Letterman Netflix half-hour what comedy central half-hour Netflix half-hour then you got a standing on the tonight show

yeah then the one Joe rogue rogue the ones that really it was the net to me it was last comic standing Netflix rogue and those are the three that I was like this is gonna really change my situation holy trinity and they have to some degree I'm doing very well you move the needle but are about each one of them I've had somebody say oh forget about it now yeah Netflix Nate's calling me he's sending me an accountant and he bought me a car and he said you better move by a house now yeah I got great this is gonna be great I should have known cuz I asked Soder yeah Soder's like yeah yeah I did okay yeah it's been good I should have

split the difference yes split diff not even split the difference beyond worse than Soder but anyways well so there's always gonna give you a nice news that's true they'll give you what you want to hear yeah yeah yeah I was six to but anyways so what are you doing I'm on his Mount Rushmore a comedy it's Carlin prior Eddie Murphy and list and Dan Shacky cuz he was there just shoved another head in anyways what the hell am I talking about apparently Shacky what oh we're at Roadhouse Rogan oh yeah so Rogan Rogan are he's like wherever you'll you'll sell out the first weekend you do after the show I went

great all right well he can son they're gonna sell out meanwhile they're trying to get me to do a radio and shit which by the way this happened I was in LA I woke up at 7 30 a.m. to do a phone er they never called and then I turned up my manager mixed it up he was supposed to I was supposed to call but no one told me so I didn't get credit so I was awake at 7 25 a.m. to do a phone call brutal didn't even didn't get to do the promo and didn't get the credit so now they're mad at me I didn't promote the show and I'm up at 7 25 in the morning brutal brutal anyways I go to Mohegan son there's nobody there I did Rogan killed it's

got 800,000 videos nothing but positive feedback by the way I appreciate everybody that reached out exclusively positive nice they must have deleted mine one troll he kept saying hey fuck you you're a loser but that was like a troll he just did on every post so I walked him it didn't it wasn't like those ones don't hurt as much as someone being like I've heard this story before and it sucked then and it's like whatever this guy was just an asshole but anyways that happened but yeah so anyways I'm very grateful for every all the positive feedback I go to Mohegan son there's 40 people 60 one night 50 another night no

one was like saw you on rogue at the comic said that yeah nothing Wow but anyways I'm performing a comics Foxwoods this to where I don't I try not to care when people on their phone if they're just texting it happens I just go you know what you're on your phone I get it you're not bothering me you're not bothering anybody but there was two women back corner on their phone 100% of the show one hundo literally I'm not exaggerating no hyperbole no look up no occasional look up one looked up the other one didn't just illuminate faces a little like the tongue-go-stories looking at their phones for a hundred

percent so 35 minutes in I just go this lady has got to be trying to set the record for longest on phone like you're at the world was at the end like she doesn't even know I'm talking about her you're saying this to her yeah and so then her friend who was paying attention elbows her and like she looks up now they're just immediately mad they're pissed they're both mad I'm an asshole and then they go we're paying our bill now you're paying the bill the first two minutes of the show cunt so I said you've been paying your bill that awfully long time I got I started going what am I doing I was having a good set and I

heard this woman over here go this is getting awkward oh boy and now I hate myself but I was like just fucking leave yeah you're bumming me you're making me sad right paying the bill oh that's a shit excuse what am I an idiot so then they get up and they just staring they leave right away they just stand they're walking out like this and then the girl waves her phone like they're like they leave they're mad at me and then the next night I'm on I'm hanging out watching the Bruins game and stand there and then the door guy comes over he goes by the way the two women you yelled at yesterday they're at the bar staring at

you right now and so I look over and they're at the bar like this mean mug it mean mugging me stink eyeing me they came back to the same bar not a billions mug either now bad mug and so I just looked right at him but I gave him the stink eye back and eventually I went back in the green room like what am I gonna do but anyways wait wait this is a night later or the same the next night whoa came back to the same bar just probably to get a look at me I was such an abusive man oh god I didn't even say I was just like you've been on your phone a long time this is what I think about sweet man my Vargas nerve yeah smells so

crazy Vargas that was tough that's gonna be a rough one I could feel it it's really really bad thank God for that windsock on the mic I think it's the Vargas nerve I know I'm gonna light a match please wait till you get a bonfire I want to make sure you smell it first crackle crackle bonfire soda yeah well what is with the stink guy they came back to the bar there's a whole casino they're probably staying at the casino go go sit at the goddamn Wolfgang puck yakuza well they probably got free tickets you know and they just go in there there's look at their phone but I'm like why why be in here I don't get it

I don't get it either and they're paying a bill like you you bought drinks you're paying comedy club prices what are you nuts get out of here after a while it's very frustrating but anyway I've been talking too much my Vargas hurts my vocal cord hurts tell tell me something good well let's see I did a show last night at a tattoo parlor that was fun I got I got nothing though there was free pizza it was a great show the crowd was hot and then today I had a audition for Mastercard no kidding yeah you're a real corporate guy how come about this Paul Rudd is the guy next to be talking well not not in the audition but if I got it

I'd be talking to Paul Rudd you guys can be brothers you have a similar look I feel like a similar do or babyface fag the whole thing but I'm so bad at auditions I've never gotten one thing about this I probably just for 800 thing I'm talking voiceover movies TV theater gay porn never gotten one but this time I was like I am going in I listen to this audition thing where you like gives you tips oh wow I went I took it seriously I memorized this the sides and everything I practiced in my room saying it over and over me and the lady went back and forth she was the other guy wow give us some lines all right you'd be

Paul Rudd just go hey how are you buddy hey how are you there buddy hey it's been too long I haven't seen you in years why don't we get lunch sometime how long had it been Mastercard was that my life similar all right so he is basically he starts rattle off things like oh he hates me in the show he goes oh hey I can't I gotta I gotta teach my daughter how to do anal I gotta they're gonna do a Nazi meeting you know he says he starts naming shit and I go ah well it's a shame you can't go because my Mastercard whenever I swipe it it gives money to stand up to cancer and then he goes all right let's go or something like that I don't think

a cancer commercials good for you think you're the guy they're looking for more of a Gemini but either way I went in and I kept hearing all this thing I listen to Conan O'Brien on a podcast once and he said everything he's ever gotten was when he didn't give a fuck yes like red who Shawshank ah yes I thought you met Conan because he's red oh yeah that's right he's an Irish he's well read Harvard Harvard yeah have it back the car so my dick so I go I'm not gonna care so I show up and I go ah fuck these people they can blow me they're all assholes that's what I'm telling myself just so I stopped caring even though I secretly

wanted and I go up to you know Midtown I go up the goddamn elevator and all that and then I get there and this guy goes hey Mark Norman and I go yeah he goes I was just listening to you on serious today this is so weird and I go oh geez wow but then I go don't care I was kind of in like George opposite mode you know like normally I go wow thank you I really appreciate that but I go ah what you think and he goes that's funny and I go ah well I'm gonna try some of those Jew jokes in there and he goes oh all right we're just like a director and I was like he's like okay take it easy buddy so I signed my name up and then it

says name ethnicity age and all that and I go what ethnicity do you think I am and the girl goes what what what what I'm like I'm white you idiot shut up yeah pissed I'm kicking tables over I'm trying to get some I don't care I'm being an asshole sure so finally they call my name after like 20 minutes I go in and there's a lady with a camera and this is the this is a new thing there's a lady with a camera she's cute and got glasses and a ponytail and then there's a guy sitting on a chair next to the camera with the sides that's new well hold on that sounds like every audition I've ever seen this is the new thing so

she goes slate give me your name the whole thing your height who's your agent whatever and then she goes if you had to wear one t-shirt for a full year you couldn't change and the shirt had one word on it the sex t-shirt huh take the sex t-shirt what I have one yeah from earlier I blew the whole thing I'm sorry I will edit it I tried to roll with it yeah I didn't get it I'm sorry I blew it that was my fault now you're fine I'm gonna kill myself Vargas Vargas so what so what's the shirt so I first I had this panic mode of like think of something cute and clever man come on Norman this

is your big moment but I got fucking I'm an asshole I'm going opposite I don't care about this so I just go queef and she goes she loved it I just said queef I was trying to think of the weirdest thing I could say so wait she wanted to know what shirt what the shirt would say if you were one shirt for your life you get one shirt for a year and has one word on it and you get to pick the word and you said queef everybody else is going there going love I'm sure love was big YOLO or whatever the fuck is it yeah Edward so so I just said queef and she was like wow like she was blown away it was like when George went to Stein

Brennan goes this is a disgrace you'd be ashamed of yourself right ruin this organization whatever so yeah so I go queef she loved it the kid in the chairs laughing so I'm already off to a good start and then he's Paul Rudson she goes alright just walking the frame and you know he'll say hello and I walk in he goes hey and I go Paul Rudd what happened to your career man you you peaked it at clueless I mean 40 year old virgin was okay but after that this is 40 it went off okay all right it was working because now he's like it this guy's like a UCB guy he's like an improv guy so he's like fucking I've had a long day of working

with these actor dorks I'm gonna want to go back so we went back and forth we're all off book that sounds like you might get it well the commercial was a half hour if they use any of this but it felt good and I was killing in the room and there was like three other scenes she's like no I think we got it I think we got it you know this is great I think you're gonna get it I'm not gonna get I gotta go to a callback and if I get a callback I'll choke well you never know sometimes they don't do callbacks sometimes you just got it nah I've gotten commercials with no callback really oh yeah to to what are we talking

Bacardi Bacardi you're hurting my feelings it was Captain Morgan sorry rum master that would bother you for the losers Bacardi's better than Morgan yeah you don't know what you're talking about they have pirate you got a one leg up how can a pirate not be better than a well they have a bat what's wrong Batman it's not a Batman's a bat if it was a Batman I'd let it slide I think a bats better the Batman is copying the bat the pirate has a bat on his shoulder that's a parrot that's the same thing that's the bat of the that's can't even talk a parent's better he has a better bird all right well you that's a good point you're

making some points now I got a pirate and a bird you got a bat all right well I got a Bacardi's more alcohol all right I got a 101 I got a flaming Bacardi whatever that's that's a good point the book the cap Morgan's a gimmick no it's spiced it's a spiced rum that's his oldest time it's not a gimmick pirates rape I like rape all right Dave McDonough is texting me oh Jesus it's a Boston reunion what's going on here did you post a picture of me or something oh okay Dave McDonough wrote are you an Everett and I was like what the fuck's he talking about but he must have saw a picture of us together all right this is not a bad sorry bad

bad it's a good episode good up so far to be done of there were wrenching the gears well I forgot about so yeah so that's it I left there I was clicking my heels was I was a great today today you got it I think they're gonna call I think I made an imprint I made my mark but I don't think I'll get it I think I was too dark because at one point we got back to the book the script and so I go it's a shame you can't come eat with me cuz you know this is all going to stand up to cancer and he goes oh well maybe I should I go if you don't I'm gonna tweet you like cancer and she was kind of like alright easy fucking nut job this is a

fucking national commercial for Mastercard well here's what matters you tried your best you were yourself you had fun and for everything else there's Mastercard how are you gonna be the spokesman for Mastercard is that this is that the slogan yeah for everything else is Mastercard Tom got it's like a you need a you need to wear panties to blow your dad and for everything else this Mastercard that's visa I think that might be similar Canadians need those visa Mastercard I think that's the same thing but there's two different maybe they merged I think I might emerge when I was banging it was just master and Billy

Crudup is the voice of the priceless you wonder how these guys remember when commercials were just a much in nerdy guys out of nowhere and like actors trying to scrape by and now it's Matthew McConaughey blowing a Lincoln that taking work yeah but I think they donate a lot of it to AIDS or Africa or Russia or somewhere buy it well I always say that would bug me you ever watch Wheel of Fortune it's a celebrity version they're like this this my winnings go to kids for annual and all this and I'm like I would want to keep it I mean I won the money yeah well I mean you don't sign up for it I guess you can just do regular because I

think celebrities can do regular Wheel of Fortune they wanted to why not sign up all right that would be fun to see Michael J. Fox yes maybe he'd be great on the buzzer though I could spin it somebody that's been the wheel you know maybe a Brad Pitt I bet it could spin it yeah I feel like he've earned it I feel like you if you if you're Jeff Daniels and you go on Jeopardy and you kick ass that's that's harder than being an actor I don't imagine he's all that bright though yeah who's bright maybe Anthony Hopkins oh totally Tony Tony Hopkins Tony he's known as Tony Tony but you know he's a sir he's a guy I've he goes

by Tony don't ask me how I know we got to start to wrap this up I got a gig and this is one of the best episodes of all time if you ask me well wait did you hear about the guy out cooking on Jeopardy wait is this a street joke no no he had a lot of weaning yeah what is burn victim he was a weiner all right cooking but I watched the episode with that guy he's kicking ass he's about to be Ken Jennings he's up to two mil and he writes porn or something like that he's got a weird job he does he writes movies or porn he's a professional gambler I believe that's what it was yeah it was I'm degenerate those kind of go together gambling and

pouring their mob yeah something like that he should write a porn though but here's the cool thing at one point there you know Trebek goes what do you like to do what are your hobbies you know they do that weird thing and he goes all I want is to work for Major League Baseball that's all I've ever wanted it's my childhood dream and then all these people called him yes I saw they all want them the socks one of them and the other one they all want him he's money ball wow so he's a smart guy because he realized if I play it this way if he starts at the bottom and goes up for the daily double right that's been going on

for a while though oh really they started a little while ago which is it took years sure it's silly that's why it's kind of unfair to people in the old days who did well well another thing that happens with the money you get the big money questions not just the daily double get the big money going because the other way if you run out of time why start with a hundred dollars I agree get a big lead a thousand five thousand ten thousand well I got so into this I'm such a fucking cunt I watched all these YouTube's about it and if you start at the top sometimes there's a clue at the bottom that you needed from the top see

what I'm saying oh yes that does happen yeah it's all related yeah you're smart enough you just know it off your own anal right right yeah interesting off the top of your asshole there you go with a ball stickle well I think we should start wrapping up here I can't breathe I'm dying oh yeah sorry I can I can tell you it's funny how every body part has a location from the I remember like the back of my hand I yelled from the top of my lungs from the bottom my heart on the side of my eye that's something I think so yeah off the top of my head yeah there you go side of my nipple and center of my nipple the back of my sack the front of

my shin heel on my heels on my heels back of my toes oh yeah you're on your top of the toe no tippy toes Tommy tune some like ear something on the edge of my nose tip of the nose tip of the tip of the tongue tip of the tongue and by the edge of a nose to the grindstone nostrils eye Native American center mind's eye I think we're running out now yeah my ears are tingling that was something assholes bleeding back over the hairs on my neck the back of my neck all right well where you gonna be there fat man well this Thursday the ticket sales are a lot again the Rogan I thought was gonna be something but boy oh boy Tacoma two days

from now Tacoma comedy club they shuffle things around to accommodate me because the other club closed what get your tickets the comedy parlor live closed right that's right the Bellevue so I am at Tacoma comedy club this Thursday night it's gonna be a fun show come on out they were really nice to accommodate us I'll be there and I gotta find my book let me look at my book cuz I got a few book dates coming up get on the patreon this one's not on video unfortunately we fucked up fucked up and hell if you got a guy they will call that Pat guy to help us I love Pat Shelby didn't seem crazy about that idea yeah

Shelby I don't I think Shelby's he's that's what he's doing all right okay but Patrick's a good guy he knows Tony Tony all right so oh the PS 109 show is back the apartment show June 6 next Thursday a lot of you guys come every time we got a great lineup Vecchione is on Nick Griffin is on who is a new special came out this week it's called something I'll think of it I'll tell you next week Nick Griffin is a special go look it up on iTunes or Amazon one of the funniest guys ever oh one of my favorite comedians of all time PS 109 Thursday June 6 that's right here in the city Upper East Side I'll post about it then I'm

headlining the fat black pussycat June 11th June 18th and June 20th so if you're in New York City come to the fat black June 11th June 18th those are 7 p.m. shows June 20th is a 1030 show we'll be doing a live pot at Skankfest Providence Rhode Island New England you know I love you June 27 28 29 come out to that and then Gotham Comedy Club July 12th and 13th right here in New York City so if you're a New York City fan come to some of these shows I got a ton of New York City shows and I don't know buy my album or something or tweet out the Rogan thing spread the word for God's sake I got I hate myself by the time this comes out

you'll be at a cool mill I bet and tell me about Vargas nerve or please it's fucking thing I'm dying the live episode tonight yes tonight tonight we're listening in the morning come out tonight and have a good old time bring a lady bring a guy bring a dog look at this great photo I know I just liked it killer dusty all right I'm at Rochester this weekend comedy at the Carlson then I'm at bananas comedy club God bless America that one's gonna sting that's not so bad not so bad it's not so good either last week the fucking Truckers Union came out and really shit in my mouth DC draft house after that one of my

favorite cities I love DC draft let's sell that puppy out if we can helium comedy club in Buffalo New York love the buff who ha ha and Worcester mass that should be fun never been here it's a cool room Indianapolis you always say when you come to India I'm at helium in Indianapolis then comedy works in Denver the white whale one of my faves punchline Sacramento California loved that club Lady Bird was filmed there Addison improv in Dallas Texas here we go Tejas that's and then Magoobies in Baltimore slash Timonium then I'm at Spokane and Tacoma one night each that'll be fun love that area roar comedy club at

MGM and side splitters in Tampa and that'll be a fun of more to come more dates more anal more queefs and yeah thanks for listening come to the live tonight praise Allah we love you sit on your dad's face use your shirt on the clit and no tongue yes and vocal chords I hate myself Mastercard