Tuesdays with Stories! - #300 Chafing Dick

Episode Date: June 4, 2019

We got an all timer folks as Joe gets called a hipster before some youths ruin his movie screening and Mark hangs out with an all time comedy great! Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and full video eps! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody here we are Tuesdays with anal I'm mark Norman I'm Joe list and we're in funky town over here this is weird we're we're I don't know what you

call this showbrizz studios I guess is the word on the street or on the wall okay showbrizz can you hear us showbrizz oh alright I wasn't sure I wanted to shit on him but I guess the sound is piped in oh no don't shit on him yet we need the studio all right we got Alex Brazel he's letting us he's a Tuesday in a comic around town and he's letting us use his studio because we were in my apartment and lunch stuffs slumming it I had to kick the lady out I had to hide my jizz it was tough I do love the lunch stuff though you liked it I like the lunch okay I like the handheld microphone I like I like the car I got

used to the couch I had my leg up now we got a re not gurgitate what do you re recoup tarred re silent row no no no you're re-consider re re-acclimate re-acclimate re-acclimate re-acclimate hot dog we got it yeah there it is we got a re-acclimate and it's a different thing because this is weird because it's it's Alex's home we're in oh but it's a great home we're in a home but this feels like a garage it's like a side thing we're really trying to make this work you got to hand it to us for two come guzzling cunts we're really getting cameras together we're changing studios we're on Avenue B we're trying here

well here's the other thing I liked about your place I like that there's some photos of us like this place we're gonna have to bring our own photos and tack them up and take them down we're gonna hang up posters and we're gonna walk like like architects with a bunch of sleeves under right that the rolled up yeah with the wood the t-square mm-hmm what is a t-square it helps you draw a line you square it on the table and you draw it so what's a compass a compass is completely different that's the direction no circle with the knife on it ones for circles and ones for 90 degree angles I see I think 98 degrees good band

I would only I would say it's not a Vargas nerve I had nine texts three tweets and a phone call saying it's vagina nerve I don't know even know what it is vagina nerve I'd like to hear about that I got that bad when I get around when I shake like a leaf but it's a it's a vagal Dr. J. Sute gave me shit Mrs. Pac Joe gave us some shit she's a nurse is that right or she wants to be a wet nurse she just was smart no she's wet good lady the whole Pac Joe family is a bunch of mentions crystal yes crystal with a baby yeah Phil and then the baby is what Cosby or Carlin or prior it's got to be something like that okay Ari who

knows Harvey I hate Ari Pete might be Pete let me Pete hopefully not after Pete Holmes what happened to him did he rape I'm just saying I hope they know Ari not Ari hates him but you know what I mean yeah he doesn't really hate him they have the same hairline hmm the baby and Ari all right here we are at the bridge show breeze but yeah we're trying to make it work it feels like we're like showering in a new shower are you sleeping in a friend's house that for the first time yeah react I'm late yeah yeah act like you know I feel like to it's also I gotta be honest it's a bitch to get to it's out of nowhere I like

Alex because he knows all the Seinfeld references yeah but anyways it's tough to get over here I why I took the the two three from therapy our old studio yes down to 14th Street over by our second studio and I walked all the way from there to here why do you know three Noel well I wanted to stop and get some food and I hate Christmas I see Noel I got it yeah well I I feel you too I live on the west side as you know and I got off on the f and then you got to walk up to six and then cut over onto the east side and it is a cum guzzler the f sucks I'm spoiled from the end the end is like a limousine service love the F the D the

a it's all dark and the light is dark and it's like dirty and there's like spray paint and what's going on that second avenue station over there's heroin the chic and if you're not a New Yorker the station is 700 miles long yes and there's only two stairwells at the very end right if you're in the middle of the train you're waiting 45 minutes for you to get on the thing and then sometimes while you're waiting to get up the stairs a second train comes and unleashes another 5,000 people now you're in line you're stuck there the rest of the day right right it's a cunt to inside here now we're inside we're

baseball or penetration you got a lot of stuff cooking I got this is a biggie for me we got to save yours all right save all right I got three things right around 20 minute mark I want you to shift into your thing because it's gonna have to put some time yeah well it'll be about a 12 minute or all right well then eight minutes to plug and oh Shelby's also here by the way do we mention four inches away from us he's got the tripod and the tribe the old tripod which is a box yes I've got his a lip on my knee can I just say this and Shelby I know you don't want to be a participant in the show your hair is looking fly it's quite

a quuff it's hot AF you look like Elvis Presley young Elv yes prepubescent Elvis Elvis if that hit with something AIDS you got to feel pretty good when you look in the mirror there Sheltown that's a nice hairdo he's into it all right I bet he could really eat a muff there is a mic right there he doesn't like the mic he's out of the mic he's toying with the camera which hey we're trying to film for you Jews at home anyways Patriot I'll just say this then we got to get to the business what a time to be a patreon member there's some classics on there we put a nude queef up we got some bonus coming out

think about what they're getting right now they have a full episode up there this episode will be up there that's gonna be two full episodes a video queef with Tom Dustin and a new live episode that's right featuring Corinne Fisher guys Allen and possibly a special guest we don't know we don't know I'm excited to hear yeah well if he shows up you'll you'll see his nose first got it he's got quite a beak yep we got Dick Nixon on tonight not a gook well how weird to meet of the most powerful man in the world his name is dick like that was his name he went by dick show letters it was normal

then I guess but even still then you're like the fucking president of the United States his name is dick yeah that's true hi dick hi dick what's up dick there's no twat you know there's no lady named twat maybe Tammy should be twat well Kurt Metzger had that great joke hey my name's Kathy but call me cunt oh I don't know that joke oh it's a classic it was about dick how the dick is a weird name oh I see Richard is dick all right well you want to get into some should I get into something cuz I got a few things you got a couple things you gotta you got one for the ages I feel like ages rock of ages so one I just want

to give a shout out to Rip City Portlandia Bridgetown I had to do a what I thought was a corporate this guy hit me up and I go yeah I'd love to do the gig he goes hey here's some money we'll fly out to Portland do this gig come out we'll put you up the whole thing and I go great nice chunk of change it's a bitch it's a six-hour flight each way so you're losing 12 hours in the air and plus the Uber's there and all that but so I get out there you know it's a 7 a.m. flight at JFK gotta hate JFK 7 a.m. you don't need to fly that away if you're going west but that's neither here nor there but it was the only good ticket I got you and I'm

trying to do your thing which is stay loyal to the Dell you got to go Dell yes dealt the spirit so I get out to Portland I landed like 11 a.m. you know I got the whole day I hate myself I go to Chipotle finally the gig starts at 7 I walk over there it's a fundraiser for a guy who's I don't want to get to anal here but a guy's brother died and they have this foundation where they raise money and other people who's had a loss in the family come by and they all chum it up that sounds nice it was very nice and they go thanks so much for filling in I was like oh I didn't know I was filling in somebody dropped out and

he's like last year we had Ted Alexander or a year before that we had Chad Daniels I'm like wow I feel honored that's this good company so they have a couple local Jews on and it's just free beer and food and I love a chafing dish a chafing dish you know the big metal things with the food sitting in it with the sterno I've had a chafing dick but never a chafing dish dick Nixon I love a chafe it just you can scoop out this wieners and burgers and stuff it's always a good sign Michael chafe yes so show goes great it's in like a like a mess hall or something picnic tables the whole thing the openers are

fun show goes great here's a weird one right before I go on the guy goes in the super nice guy Chris and he goes hey just want to thank you for doing this as means a lot it's like a real personal thing for us Chad Daniels was here last year and he was so nice he wouldn't accept the money oh I go Paul I go what are you talking about he goes oh well he's he felt for us he didn't take the money I was like is that right he's again we tried to pay for his his ubers and everything and I was like I'm in the middle of like sending my uber I'm like forwarding it to my agent at the moment you know oh my god Chad what are you

doing well Chad's a good egg you know he's a sweet man I know but it's like what do you call it when a baseball player the star player he's got to get the biggest contract because otherwise he'll fuck all the other players you know what I mean like Mike Trout's like I gotta get 800 million because of the guy that's half as good yes I don't want him if I take 2 million now he's making 300,000 everyone's gonna beat him up exactly Chad is my point well Chad you're dead man you're dead to me because you killed me because now I can't take it I feel guilty oh I don't know what to do I was already about to get my cash for the

cabs and everything cash cab and I was like god damn it fuck so I was like yeah yeah so I just ate it what I ate the money oh I suck I don't know what to do with Chad ate it I need it that's horrible you killed me Daniels you fucked me you suck you suck Daniel you're a bad guy you're too good of a piece of shit you fucked me right up the pooper oh that's hurtful I mean I think we should get them yeah yeah yeah yeah you deserve to die yeah well they will do a benefit we won't give you the money how about that yeah some kid it's good for the goose is good for the gander I don't know what that means yeah all right so

hockey so I go all right so I just have a fun set and now I'm getting the the open Micros show up and I tweeted and talked about the set on this show and a bunch of Tuesdays show up the open Micros show up at the fundraiser yeah cuz they want to see a comic why don't they fork over a few bucks to this dead guy it'd be nice well they actually bought some beers so I guess they did does he get the beer money to get beer money it gets the beer money in the comic money guys clean it up this is appalling he's making more dead than alive I know that's the best thing that ever happened to him I'm dead in the

water so the bunch of Tuesdays show up and it's so funny every Tuesday important looks like big J it's all these wacky hairdos and chain wallets and jean shorts and hoodies cheese they're good eggs they're all good eggs and they came out and it's funny because all his people are like preppy kind of well-to-do nice folk and then you got the Tuesdays in the corner it looked like the major league you know where the kids got his feet up and he's smoking you know in the in the stands rookie of the year no no not all the naked gun naked gun sorry yeah don't touch sorry so uh so yeah we had our Tuesdays we got a Chipotle card and

they're all going praise Allah and everybody's like what is going on what is going on with this ragamuffin riffraff group over here it looked like the the the greasers I like the griffraff the searchers who yes the one that what's the Coppola the outsiders outsiders is that cope that's cope wow it's like later cope he has made a good film in about 27 years to be honest by the way that is a hot if you're a gay guy or a horny bitch that's a good group of men right there Coppola's no no the outside oh it's fucking Tom Cruise Matt Dylan Swayzee Swayzee how hot is Swayzee yeah machio Ricky Schroeder if you want the

cute one they should be the insiders as an inside your asshole gays or vagina you're not gay yeah assuming everyone's listening as a man but we have a few women we got some horse yeah at least 25% I would say I think so Colin right in ladies let us know you're out there mm-hmm so the open micers and all that they go hey it's Saturday night you should do this show too I go sure what am I doing maybe that'll pay yeah exactly so I end up doing four shows I'm just jumping around Ubering all over Portland had a great time riffing it up doing jokes all there's a great scene over there a bunch of bar shows Becky and

some other guy at the upper lip I did a show there it was great and they all tried to pay me and because of the Chad Daniels I couldn't accept it oh my god anybody's money this is crazy but doesn't feel kind of cool when they go here here's 20 guy I don't know it feels good but yeah yeah you killed me there Chad you're too nice great comic check out his what's the newest album called he's on Amazon it's really funny I watch it so damn it yeah I was shot he shot it in Denver big old dad oh yeah father yeah dad Daniels dad Daniels yes yes good pull good pull there's also a thick noon it's a different guy oh yeah so um yeah

so that was Portland ran around ended up staying out to like seven in the morning had a 9 a.m. flight I hated myself I took I stole some Dramamine from the airport and just conked out but you never get the good shut eye no no good shut out I had a good shut out in months yeah and then my gal is unemployed who really won that two months wow two months so she's really wow she's a comic no job right no not a comic over here so she is like a lap dog like when I show up she's her ass is wagging and she's like what do we do and I'm like oh I want to do is fucking crash but you know I got no wag over here oh I'm I'm

big wag I got a hello but no wag I'm a wag the dog yeah it's a scally wag wag the pussy wag the dick Nixon I don't know chafing dick so yeah so that was that was that so I'm back in New York on Sunday and we do the whole fucking town and I did a bunch of shows but I'm saving all right save it all my love for me last even yesterday great day in the park by the way nice Memorial Day set up hang and beautiful it's nice when it all comes together because this started six weeks ago right I say hey why don't we get a little group together for Memorial Day and not mention the troops at all we should have done a tribute or

something you know when we sat instead of prayer or cut our dicks off we had a moment of sound we should I'm bedlocked at one point remember that I love you you're in the bathroom I never went to the bathroom I felt good about that how the hell you didn't go to the bathroom I wasn't drinking anything I did I got no vices left I got no coke I got no water I got no tea no water well water we just didn't have but the line was like 45 minute people like I'm going to the bathroom they'd come back and I thought they were they left right your lady was gone for a day and a half day and a half it was the most break I got but I got a

I got a fucking bathroom story for you oh really well the bathroom line was so long and the women's bathroom line gets even crazier because they all you know dabbed their their labia and whatnot whatever they're doing in there taking out tampons and I don't know so the male bathroom the men's room had three urinals and a stall so the ladies just started using the stall they made their own little subline really sideline if you will so everybody every guy is in line going why these girls next to us what's going on but you know you just guys just go with it yeah whatever no guys don't get credit for how go with it

they are mmm just saying so eventually we're all talking to the gals like small talking and we're just pissing next to women pissing weird there's just a stall wall and then us just like and then they wash their hands and you're pissing she's washing her hands it was cooking and you're both using your genitals complete genital use I can't piss if there's a man in the room there's a woman in the room forget it my dick would be inside my ball bag yeah stage fright you'd be ruined yeah so eventually this one guy runs up and he goes I got a shit like this is emergency and the girls are like well you know

getting line fatty and he's like it's a men's room you get out of here and he's like I got a shit I got a shit right now and they're like you cannot shit he goes I'm shitting I'm shitting next yeah we're next we get priority you can use the shitter but where it's our shitter but here's where it gets wacky the ladies start going oh of course use your male privilege and he's like what are you getting you're using our bathroom how is the male what are you talking about I got a shit in the men's room where am I supposed to go and it became a fucking civil rights war oh my god it was wild but that's kind of a microcosm yes

the whole anal shit Nixon yes shitty dick oh I've had that oh I got it now yeah well anyways it was a great hang we got a good park hang Ari dressed as Waldo which was weird and no he was like a 20s I know but he was Waldo yeah it looked very Waldo he had a cane had a cane which does wall have a cane or not of a cane I believe he has a cane I think he's got a cane which nobody dread was he was he have polio what's going on I don't know he's traveling a lot for a guy with polio that's a good point tough guy well anyways good group great group played some frisbee football no real story I guess but it was sunny for

perfect weather you put together a good hang we had a ton of fruit and nauseous yeah it was really nice I had a cheese wedge it was great but earlier in the day so Sarah and I we live in a story we're heading into the park and I got a nice big blanket under my arm and she's got a satchel full of fruit and a sheet and we tried to set it up nice and we're walking I'm wearing blue shorts and admittedly I'm wearing a Liz Warren t-shirt and some black socks pair of new balance they're pink yeah I'm wearing a red socks hat yep and Sarah's wearing you know you know a green jacket type of thing and a rock and roll shirt pair of

shorts I mean she's 49 years old for God's sake sure 41 38 that shit we'll cut this out in post she's 28 28 she looks terrible but we're walking up the strip we're adults is my point we're walking up the street and some guy with a floppy hat and a salmon t-shirt floppy hat yeah like the full bridge like he's going fishing like I should have lures in it oh wow like the dad and honey I shrunk the kids the neighbor dad it's kind of a jerk little grumpy old men yeah I hear you he's walking by and he just goes this fucking hipsters no precedent no precedent just said fucking hipsters and I'm hurt cuz I'm not a hipster no I got

I got the same jeans I've had since eighth grade I live in Queens I like sports and yeah yeah you say slurs and fuck lot of slurs you know how we let it fly and let the epitaphs fly I got bad vision but I'm over here in a socks hat I don't shampoo my jeans are regular jeans yeah yeah I've seen you you're an alcoholic you're gay you got herpes that's not very hip no not hip and Sarah you know she's she's whatever she's a regular lady the big lady I've been into rock and roll we listen to music I'm a film nut but I was hurt but then I tried to get a little thing going I turned around no turnaround this guy so

he's a big bitch and I wanted to go you're a fucking loser you're by yourself a memorial day you got a floppy hat and a salmon shirt no friends you're just jealous uh-huh and I've been in this neighborhood for 13 years like I just swung in yeah where's he how long he been there so I gave a turn I got you talking to us I was like we're not hipsters I gave him a little business good and he didn't even turn you got him he's a bitch you got him fatty and I gotta tell you I got some anger issues I wouldn't mind tuning this guy up all right let's cook some salmon I'll show you the hipster I'll put my fucking

foot in your asshole how about that go back to Connecticut you fucking prep yeah and fuck you hipsters I do like the hipster I like records I have a record player I like them too they're nice people little judgy I'm eating well now too you know he might have you so maybe I'm a hipster oh boy what can you do yeah well salmon's a bad luck either way yeah guys a fucking loser I got a constant but it was the second day in a row I was a constant ah Bob a cost oh we gotta remember to read a ad we got a big ad this week oh big yeah I think you're gonna like it too folks oh it's a new one right I'll

grab it in a minute but it's so I think it's a new they might be too I don't know what the hell is going on too but once for next week oh I say well nice puppy up thank you Shelby there we are see all the video you really see behind the anal here I got a missed call from my manager and my agent that's nerve right you can't open your phone it's bad news that seems like something bad so we got a Roman oh nice yeah I love Roman all right well let me tell us and then we'll get into the Roman all right well so I'm in Syracuse as you know and I got a couple Syracuse stories so I go to Syracuse wow that's rare and Sunday

morning they're playing a film called Hesbro Hesbro or something he's about a uh I was bro the toy company no no no it was HES brah hes brah all right it's about a priest I almost said what was the word I almost said fuck I almost said like the opposite of a priest pedophile no that's not the same thing that's devil worshipper Satanist no I almost said atheist punk there was a p-word I confused my p words pussy prick pink pillow puke that's a funny word all right what do you got well I whatever pugnacious pimp pimp is what I was gonna say I was gonna say pimp but I met a priest so I went to see a documentary about a

priest his name is Ted Hesbro he was president of Notre Dame for 30 years I like to check the Fandango's cuz I'm a hipster I like to know what's going on and then I saw this documentary I watched the trail looked inspiring I need some inspiration you know stressed and anxious and gay and whatever mm-hmm so I go it's 11 o'clock 5 a.m. I say I'm gonna go to this movie so I went and had breakfast with Steve Big Dick Rogers and Caitlin regular vagina Palufo all right Palufo and had a nice breakfast I got a breakfast story I'll get into a moment all right Tarantino this up which is a tease to my breakfast story

ah break fast lot going on here all right where it's Syracuse Syracuse funny bone so yeah so we have breakfast I say I'm gonna go see this movie real quick it's 11 o'clock 5 we can meet back up at 1 I assume you guys don't want to come because you're not hipsters I'm gonna watch a documentary about a priest yeah so I go to an 11 o'clock 5 showing of a film about a priest I walk in it's three elderly couples all sitting every other row in the same central area got it adorable okay I assume they're old Catholics that want to see this thing about their hero priest sure and then me I'm just curious and gay so I sit in the

back row I like to be in the back and we'll watch the movie about 40 minutes into the movie I hear a ruckus on the side like when you come in mm-hmm and I get nervous because it is about a priest and a lot of people don't like the priests because they have sex with children sure I've heard that so some people are upset about that for whatever reason man it seems fun and the door swings up and you see like what the fuck that shit motherfucker no three kids come in teenagers Jews I don't want to describe them but they come in they're yelling they're saying the n-word all right and they're allowed to and they're

no it's upset about that but well I'm upset we're all upset got it got it they go on what the fuck and then they just burst in so they've clearly snuck into the theater they've run in and they're hiding out in the priest movie and they walk in they go let's sit down they sit down the same row as me but in the corner and they're going this is some old-ass movie this is some racist-ass white movie now ironically this guy has bro is a huge civil rights act he's at the he marched with MLK and they were friends and he was like the head of the civil rights committee for the White House for Dick Nixon chafing dick so he's like

this huge civil rights hero so they come in they're like this movie smells like hot dogs y'all smell like fucking hot dogs and they go the old white people there's a lot of slurs and yelling and the old ladies like hey shut up it's like you shut up motherfucker you shut the fuck up and it's 10 years Christ now I'm looking around and it's three couples in their late 90s yeah me so I was like I gotta do something my heart is like pounding wow and you don't expect this because it's 11 30 in the morning it's a pretty documentary who what were they thinking what do you think they've gotten the wrong theater or what I think

they're rabble Rousers I think they went to the mall they probably got dropped at the mall in the inner city youth it's an unfortunate city yeah it's the worst city in America yes it really is so they probably got dropped in the mall they took a shuttle and then they just snuck into the movie maybe they're waiting to go see whatever little big top or whatever the big plane I don't know something and so they just ran into this there so they're just rabble Rousers sure they're wild in ah yes while and out yes they weren't out they were in a theater and so I said all right I better go do something right and it's

against I'm anxious as fuck I'm terrified so I get up and as soon as I get up to like you going to snitch you fucking snitch bitch motherfucker and you know the n-word the whole thing and so I'm nervous but I'm like I gotta just go do this I gotta get I gotta get him out of here what we're gonna do just lose we're all gonna leave right we're gonna watch a movie with three people yelling at us exactly so I'm walking so you know how the movie thing you gotta walk down the steps and then you got to do a u-turn to walk down back down the hallway to get back out so as I'm doing my u-turn they come running down shit and so serious now

I go all right I'm gonna be in a situation here and I'm just so scared I just wanna run what do you think 15 18 12 9 hard to see cuz the theater and they were both dark sure but you I mean even whatever complexion it's very dark and of theater the movies going so the way they're behaving I would say they're 15 or 16 maybe I mean they were tall enough pubic hair couldn't really see the pubes but I would say mid-tea they weren't 12 they're older than 12 they're probably younger than 20 got it so they're running down after me so now I'm like oh boy this is the situation now my heart is like pounding through my chest

cuz it's that it's literal fight flight yeah I'm like I'm gonna fight or gonna run away but I'm like I'm not gonna run for a moment I thought about being like whoo that's a shit movie where we off to guys can't beat them join them yeah so I'm walking and then I'm walking up the hallway and I'm just slowly walking with my head okay I'm like I'm gonna I'm just gonna do the best I can I'll just throw as many fists as I can probably two mm-hmm and it turns out they ran across the hall into another theater coming after me that's what also made me think these are like young whippersnappers oh yeah so I went on I told secure I said

you got some rabble rousers running around here yeah whipper please then I go back into the theater and this is right when they introduce MLK and like this hero they stayed long enough would they have gotten it yes but I feel like they probably well what when he yelled Harriet Tubman which didn't even make sense weird it was like a white lady yeah he's like Harriet Tubman they were like laugh I was like this doesn't even make sense they stunk at heckling yeah they were all off on their historical references so I felt a little hero I walked back in and the six fat couples were like alright hey I wanted to be like

I kicked their asses but really they're just hiding in the other theater ruining that movie right right jeez I feel bad for the kids seeing you know pets too yeah so then the security people come in like 20 minutes later with flashlights and they're look cuz they must have thought they were in this theater still I thought maybe one of the old ladies texted or something yeah it's why I came down took the point again I was like hey they went across the hall they're over there like all right we'll find him it was like a security guy with like a little like nerdy vest yeah so that was the end of that but boy

I felt proud good for you you stood up I was very nervous very scared but I was like if I get beat up I'll get beat up but I'll put up a fight here it sounds the weird thing is they had to buy a ticket to get in you know I think they snuck in that's why they ran in they probably just burst past the gate cuz when I went in it's literally 11 in the morning it's like one fat pimply girl right tickets was like probably was like wow but I shouldn't say this yeah you keep going well it's a tricky thing though because you know there's all this stuff about white people calling the cops on black people and stuff and it's

like oh they're just they're unarmed and their teenagers and yada yada that's the kind of that part of the news story but I mean I didn't call the cops bring it but you're like well what are we supposed to do in this situation cuz they're unarmed and they're just teenagers and living unfortunate lives and I'm sure their parents are shitty and they're whatever they're growing up in this horrible city but I'm like we bought tickets to go see a film yeah and there's three kids screaming the n-word at us and threatening us in the screen what are we supposed to do what's the situation yeah do we leave we all just

leave we go home right right well I was a rabble rouser douche when I was a kid and we got the cops call at least security all the time right we had the rent a cops called on us a lot I guess the difference is what happens after that the shootings they get beaten a shot right you know brought home I remember we have on one of our podcast our pal one of the best episodes ever spacing on his name New Orleans John Patton no no the little guy he's hilarious oh Scotland Scotland green yes one of the best episodes ever he came on but he told us story about he was driving drunk and the wheels came off his car and he

was drinking whiskey and the cop drove him home was like all right you behave and I was like Jesus that's crazy that's New Orleans but it goes both ways yeah sometimes the whitey gets beat up sometimes the whitey gets off sometimes the black guy gets beat up sometimes the black guy gets off yeah and that's a good porn well it's wild but it was a wild situation but I felt good for but then the rest of the movie I was just like watching it I'm like my heart's pounding every time an explosion happened in the theater next door would make a noise I was like they're back with guns but you know well that brings us to this

week's ad we got a new one it's a hot one ticket there mark oh yeah Dave.com not paying attention to your bank balance who does I don't want to see that thing I take stuff out of the ATM I don't look back I just get the hell out of there I don't know what I'm working with then you get overdrafted that's what happens I've been screwed many a time so you know that sting you feel every time you pay an overdraft fee the worst let me pour some salt in the wounds big banks make 33 billion bucks off the overdraft fees they charge each year that's ridiculous fat cats yeah that's what the Dave app doing that's the Dave app is

here to stop that the Dave app is putting an end to overdraft fees for good finally Jesus Dave is the number one budgeting app in America because it saves you overdraft fees tells you about upcoming bills and you can advance you get an advance of 75 clams that's nice from your next paycheck with no credit check and no interest the Dave app is just $1 per month that's $12 per year which is way less than an overdraft fee you got that right and you'll never pay one again wow this is a great idea that's great mark Cuban is an investor in Dave because he got crushed by overdraft fees in his 20s and wants to never pay

an overdraft fee again so right now folks do this go to Dave.com Tuesdays that's plural it really helps to show if you let them know you heard them from here help our show out go there download Dave and never pay another overdraft fee again it's immediate savings go now Dave.com Tuesdays spelled just like it sounds Dave DA VE Dave.com Tuesdays plural and you can help us out and you can help yourself out by going to Dave.com right now yes don't get overdrafted again folks mazel all right sorry Shelby thanks for editing for us we love you God bless you I will suck

your dick for free if you download Dave.com what do you say that yes and now that we have the cameras we can tape it Shelby is a nodding cat's got his tongue nodding is pretty good from the show nodding hill or let me all right let me bang up my quick breakfast bang me and then I want you to ship this home I got a couple of Jesus I know what you can tinkle in tees and then alright how's your isophageal it's okay it's a struggle it's up and down I'm going to therapy I had this is what the problem was the doctor was like you can have a cookie and I went to Wegmans has the best cookies in America unbelievable if anyone here is

traveling to a show from upstate oh yeah that that's the gem of Syracuse people talk about the basketball team don't fuck you it's Wegmans where the dog those cookies are something else oh yeah it's a beautiful store so I ate two my doctor's like you can have a cookie and I ate two huge Wegmans late at night and then yesterday I was just dying you fat bitch I'm back to a pound of veggies anyways speaking of eating by the way I saw you at the park you're shredded well I stopped eating yeah well you got that Holocaust ribby hot like a abby thing going thank you you're abby well I think listens I believe she's cute yeah she's

hot pie three-foot eight I can't tell but the lady I got herpes from was about four two I heard that yeah I remember she was like a couple inches off from being officially a little person wow that she is a little person isn't that weird there's little people and then there's little people good point like Gary Veener's a little person but he's not a little person right and you can say it the same it's not even a different annunciation right it's not like a little person well there's also person of color who could just be a tan Jew you're a person of color I'm a person of color they're colorful is Asian colored that's

a person of color wow yellow so then aren't there more people of color than not at that point you got Asian you got Hispanic you got black you got Indian the agents alone I think outnumbered the rest so yeah there's a lot a lot of Asians where minority you got that right you heard it here first well I think that's a fun idea I might have that little people instead of being called little people they're called little people that way we can disguise I like differentiate yeah you know what I mean like Gary Veener's a little person Nick Novicki's a little person right something can people do the well if you

can't do it then you can't address little people all right I guess it's dwarf for you yeah it's a Freudie not Freud who's the other guy Barrett who's the one Obama Freud who right Darwin Darwin wow big diff Darwin you lose yeah the what he's got the the Darwin effect what do you call that Darwin is survival of the fittest yes which they met they changed a lot evolution yeah that was someone else that was Sophocles oh all right that's what I have my throat yes but anyways I'll tell this quick and then you land this ship I think it was freshman then Sophocles and then junior the freshman of

stuff all right geez we ran out of anal there you're for junior who's your favorite junior all time whoo maybe not the movie that's for sure oh that sucks I don't even like you and you mince to be honest oh really yeah I don't find them all that refresh I'm not with you I don't like chocolate and mint that's not that I can't have either now but yeah you'll shit yourself but let's focus sorry junior so let they move the hotel at the Syracuse funny boat now you're at aloft which is like a trying to be a hip hotel yeah it's all it's like all IKEA in there it's shit yeah this neon is like a record player you can borrow the

fucking hipsters and the old hotel across the way the embassy sweets is a beauty I love an embassy and they got a gigantic free breakfast so I say to these two cunts I say let's go over and get the gigantic free breakfast oh this is the big dick in the normal vagina yeah okay we get in the car we drive over for breakfast and we sneak in because I got an aloft cup I'm blowing our cover I got the aloft coffee cup like an asshole I throw that in the bushes we jump in there we eat nice free breakfast even though we're not staying oh it's gonna say good for you it was very exciting that's lunch it's a buffet yeah

and I was sitting there and it's me and old big dick Rogers and he goes oh that guy over there is an actor and I look over it's Frank Whaley the actor who's one of my Jerry loose he was one of my favorite actors ever Frank Whaley Frank Whaley he plays the whalers he plays Brett in Pulp Fiction Brett because of the metric system Brett oh look at the big brain on bread I thought it was Brad it's Brett okay so he plays him and he plays Archie Graham and feel the dreams and he's in an episode of curvy enthusiasm wow the drive through yes yes and then he also plays Lee Harvey Oswald in JFK he's in three of the

greatest movies of all time what's he doing in the cues and my help while he hasn't worked these this all came out in 1988 that's a good point but now he's in the TV thing so I recognize him right away and he doesn't look like he used to because he's 20 years old baby face and those yeah now he's a little aged he's he's a pudgy he's 55 he's not put he's thinner there's a rail oh he's starving he looks like he's doing Schindler's list too soon no boy which I'm looking forward to Tarantino but anyways he's he's from Syracuse originally he's with his family and I'm like freaking out cuz you know Pulp Fiction feel the dreams of

the movie I've seen the most in my life probably 125 times and Pulp Fiction I've probably seen 75 times love Paul JFK have seen 40 times so I'm obsessed with this guy then of course curb forget about it oh yeah forget curb yeah it's a big influence if you hadn't noticed same so so was he back into the left well he's over there and I go I gotta I gotta say something now they're egging me on they're like you gotta go over there this is a big moment you like breakfast you gotta have eggs they scramble egging me on and I go alright you're right you're right I'm getting fired I gotta sell cuz when am I gonna meet Frank Whaley yeah I got

your opener and you make the omelet they will come oh that's not bad I will come yes for you so what'd you say fatty so I walk over there and he's at the egg thing and I go to the potato thing right next to him he's scooping I'm scooping I turn and I went and he made dead eye contact with me just alphaed me I was Brad I couldn't do anything I just turned away you can you can hang out with Weil and teens you can't talk to Whaley I just looked away and I just I folded I was like a small dick on Joe damn it so then he goes back I go I gotta regroup so I go back to the booth and that Steve's laughing I'm like I gotta get

to get I'm splashing oatmeal on my face I'm like I gotta get back in there yeah but he's with his family so I kind of look over and then when I look over he's looking at me second eye contact maybe he knows you that's what they said I'm not buying it he's a gay maybe he's a twos possibly my manager's text turn the phone down there you go all right well I had it over there Shelby gave it to me now I'm scared we read the wrong ad we got the ad down the phone's gay keep it going whaley all right so now I go now he's recognized me a second time and I'm getting nervous because I hang out with Louie a lot and a lot of times people

come up and they go excuse me mr. C. K. I'm gay and I don't like get the fuck we're trying to eat dinner yes so I don't want to be that guy now you don't so then he gets up another time he goes over the coffee I go I'm going back in I tried to be like a soldier I was like I'm getting in there I'm fucking him in the ass so I walk over there again and I'm right behind him and he just turns and leaves before I go I don't want to go excuse me Archie Graham and then Jesus with another one of these boners and also what are you gonna do if he goes yeah that's me you're gonna go get a photo you're gonna hug him you're gonna

grab his ass what are you gonna do exactly and then but then there in my other ear going no one knows this guy is I looked up on Instagram he's got 1200 followers no one knows really Jesus so he might have been like you know who I am you gotta be shitting me that's true yeah look at the big brain on Joe so right right you got anything to wash that down with I'm wrestling I'm going back and forth big kahuna burger yes you know so I'm flipping out then he goes back I go back again to the booth now it's the third time then he gets up he goes to the bathroom hmm wait no first Steve Rogers goes to the bathroom

then Waley goes and now I'm jealous I'm like now they're gonna bump into each other he's gonna see his big dick Steve's gonna be blowing his big dick if he can get his mouth around it big dick on Steve so now I'm like Steve's in there making friends they're gonna get married fuck me hard so then Steve comes out and I go he's still in there all right he's been there for a while I'm gonna go in I'll time it because then we're gonna be isolated I go in there I'm like Frank Waley's in the bathroom I get my shit together I kind of straighten my tie yes I walk in I just hear not just that I also hear Waley's taking a Waley I

mean that'll turn you off of an actor quick and he's been there for seven it's gonna do a break take time we did a cut regroup and I'm been the whole time I'm pissed I'm just cringing looking them like what the hell is going on like I'm forget meeting them I gotta help this guy wow do I look like a bitch what say what again he's really I mean I'm not even putting on what's the word what do you put on airs airs that mean Brendan air air blood there Jordan well anyways I'm not putting on air Jordans or anything shoes and I just him go and I'm like this guy's fucking dying in there wow so I can die in here

that movie I saw I come out and I go boy that's great they go did you talk to I go no I think he's shit in the fucking leg in there yeah and then we hang out for another 10 minutes he never reappears whoa I think Frank will he's dead in there wow I mean we left before he ever came out so I don't know what happened well maybe that's why his film career went to the toilet it might be like Moonlight Graham like he walked in there and turned old and died mmm but whatever it was I didn't get to meet him but I'm thinking about sending a message on Instagram and saying hey there's a podcast episode about you yeah

I don't think you want to hear this one probably not boy I mean I admire the hell other guy I love him I hope he's shitting better yeah he's a little guy right he's a little guy and he looks much thinner than he I mean like I said he was a babyface but feel the dreams was literally 30 years ago wow 25 yeah and you know JFK was 91 so even curve that was probably 10 years ago so he's kind of peaked well yeah but he's doing a lot of TV shows I guess all right he's reworks the guy is never stopped working he's a terrific actor I always have fantasies of being the next Tarantino I bring back careers I'm like I would not

make that guy something yeah yeah he did that with a couple people like reservoir dogs had that old guy remember that weird guy barely at any lines the mustache Joe Tierney no no no there was another guy who was like on the team oh yeah he was like an old Western actor yes something like that but he was fucking homeless basically hey oh Roman folks guys are terrible at taking care of their health whether it's a knee injury a bad back or something worse guys are usually more comfortable just rubbing some dirt on it than seeing the good old doctor I'm guilty of it myself I've had some real wackadoo problems yeast

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got four I got five sets in the city this is a holiday night baby holiday pay you know because the night before Memorial mm-hmm so first it's Gotham then it's New York Comedy Club East then New York Comedy Club not so east then cellar then like a fat black or something okay so Gotham is first yeah so Andrew at Gotham goes hey your spot is 855 825 it's eight now are you close and I go when I mean close I got 25 minutes before I'm on he goes we were together at this point were we at the stand with Tom Dustin that's right yes so I go ah shit I I shit I'm not close at all but I I'll jump on a cab goes

jump in a cab we need you and I go shit all right so I jump in a cab which you know you never do and I get there like 815 okay ten minutes early which is a lot for us I like to just slide right in yeah yeah so I show up and he greets me the door and he goes hey Seinfeld's on you got to follow him and I'm like all right all right you know you do what you got to do it's never a great set they get up they piss they check their phone they take a photo you know there's a calamity after a star goes on but not a brutal follow not a brutal follow the Seinfeld yeah and it this is a event for Morgan Stanley oh boy so they gotta

give him the money back yeah so they have to be a little clean you know they're like yeah it's a corporate thing don't do this don't do that just keep it somewhat clean again no problem so what kind of downplaying we're going all right Seinfeld's there but still this is Jerry Seinfeld that's true the whole this whole show we're just ripping off Seinfeld that's the whole thing that's it the whole show the premise of this show is we'll do Seinfeld but we'll say cut and fag and come right this guy has shaped our entire lives we've referenced the show 11 times in this episode for every episode there's a

reference that'd be a fun game to have someone go through and find it'll happen it'll happen and off our regular lives probably what 15 times a day average easy easy easy Japanese yes so this isn't just some yeah this is Jerry Seinfeld of course now we're around we've been around so we're not so blown away a right we've see I followed rock I followed Chappelle I followed Romano I followed you know a pedophile but this is Seinfeld he's he's on a Gotham and I just I'm in my head where I'm kind of like yeah I want to work on some new but this is you know you got to kind of bring the heat like so I'm kind of just

getting my head in the game so I'm not annoyed but I'm still like all right just change of plans here like we're gonna shift gears right and so he comes off and as a goof he's coming off stage I'm walking on and as a goof I go you still got it okay my classic line and he goes oh I'm a fan what and I go what a fan I'm a family and I go you must have the wrong guy and he's like and I'm kind of walking away from going to the stage like no I'm a fan I'm a fan I go oh my god my heart is pounding through my chest I can't believe it you got to be kidding me I could not believe it Jerry I'm busting I'm busting so I go on stage

I'm glowing I'm gleaming from this whole little interaction just now that I just I'm in the zone baby I'm zinging I'm zanging I'm riffing I'm raffin killing killing killed Jerry killed Ovaltine three references since we started I know so I just have a good end and here's the clinker right the clinker already well here's a clinker this is one clinker folks first clink lots of clinks mordecai mordecai all right he's a Jew tenon bombs so I have to be kind of clean which I normally would go to my pedophilia chunk I'd go to my school shooting whatnot my anals and my Jews whatever but I kind of keep

it a little clear a clean clink yes clean clink so I get off stage and I go that was fun I felt good you know I felt like a good you know some packed got them hot set I walk off Donnelly's coming on he goes hey good set I go thanks thanks and I got it now to get to my other set how great is that I had an interaction with Jerry Seinfeld one of my comedic heroes and a guy who I've watched for fucking years sure and he comes out of the shadows I didn't know he was there he never had a house he was in the shadows wow and he goes that was great let's go talk what come on not shitting take out your dick and come on

my back for God's sake you got it baby right between the shoulder blades that's where I always put it so I go oh my god I'm shitting by I'm floating on air baby yeah I'm floating through and we go through that little hallway and we go down the stairs we go to that downstairs green room yes it's just me him and Mozilla he's kind of coming in and out right he's the owner but he's so good so respectful Mozilla he knows how much it means to be in that room with Seinfeld he knows so he'll peek in to make sure you're not throwing eggs at him or whatever yes and he's doing the whole like oh we love Mark he's one of our

guys he's headlined here he's doing all that he's he's landed on thick what a great guy he's a mench he's a first-class yes Mozilla yes first-class mint would love to be at the club more yeah me too so I'm just sitting there on the couch with Jerry he's where Shelby is much more talented and we're just yucking up Shelby's got better hair that possibly and lips so we're just going back and forth the first ten minutes I'm shitting myself I'm just like this is so surreal I can't believe you hear his voice ago I've heard that voice my whole that voice is imprinted in my brain that you have this cuz I've had this this is

what I have going on when I've been in such like this I got the voice in my brain going I gotta call Joe I gotta email my dad I gotta text my mom this is crazy I'm going through as you say I'm not listening because I gotta call everyone I've ever met I'm in the fuck I'm in the green room feet with totally I had that but I tap it down I go be in this be here have a real conversation let's get into it sure so the first time I'm shitting myself but I gotta tell you and everybody says it I sound like a douche it just melts away he's a comic right he's just a comic where I'm killing I'm getting big

laughs out of him he's uh he doesn't get out a lot you can tell I can tell he doesn't have like a super friendly relationship with a ton of people right so he's like you could tell he's having a great time wow feeling when you're you're meshing and mashing with a guy certainly you're just hanging like we do but we know each other so well but we had that out of the gate he's laughing I was saying this I was saying that he's like I just don't want to go home I go I don't care about anything my girlfriend says and he's like he's losing it wow taking the hat off he's wiping his head you know putting the

hat back a head wipe head wipe wow unreal man I can't we went over and we went over at Louis, PC, Leno, the state of comedy, the internet, comedians and cars I mean catcherizing star I geeked out on me he's like catcherize sorry you do you probably don't know but I'm like I don't know about it I've read your biography I know everything about you I have your photo on my wall he goes what my dad I go you mean Cal he goes you know my dad's name I was sorry sorry I'm geeking yeah but he appreciated the geek Cal sides because he's a geek right so and he keeps grilling me because he's like kind of trying to figure out what my deal is

he's like so where are you from in New Orleans New Orleans how old are you 35 oh you're right in the right place for 30 you're doing exactly right he's like what about Netflix I'm like they don't care about me he's like they will they will and I'm like well what about this he goes doesn't matter you know he does that thing where he gets on a roll of the same sentence I go what about PC he goes doesn't matter what about these preachy comedy doesn't matter he doesn't matter I'm like all right all right but it was good stuff and we I got a lot of good nuggets out of him and he was you could tell my blown awareness was

giving him a little energy right you know we're going back and then we were vibing baby I mean an hour and 20 in the in the wow we could have done a podcast and there were a couple lulls I was going thank you idiot it was like I was on a hot date you know like think keep it going come on you know don't let him be bored and we just hit it off and he had a we had a great time and he's like you know maybe I'll do the next show because he was gonna go next show I think I you know that young energy I think got to him a little bit that's nice you pumped it in I pumped it baby and so then here's the clink another

clink this is the big clink huge clink closing clink giant clink he goes well let me get your number what come on you gotta be getting a phone phone no no my height well I thought maybe the waist I see so I had a 30 inch waist so he goes let me get the number I go are you kidding me and he's like yeah let's get the number and I go all right I will never use this he goes use it what just classic use it I mean I don't want to say too much what we talked about because out of respect for him but man did we just have a ball in there I got the number I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm jizzing I can't even imagine you know we walk up

stairs I go who do you like you know because I'm trying to get more out of I don't want to end right walking back up the stairs is gonna go on and he goes you know I like and he turns around very serious goes Bernie Mack oh Bernie Mack really goes oh yeah and he starts doing this little soliloquy about his face matches his voice which matches his act which matches his persona his outfit it all works you want to be a vessel you want to be a comedy vessel and I was like Rodney had that he's like yes yes wow he was like thank God you get it right oh he's like I'm nerding out and you understand what I'm saying so

we're now we're back on the stairs talking oh stair talk and he's like how how are you doing with your act I do too many comparisons and he goes ah I do too many lists and we just go back now we're talking with comics baby too many lists sounds like a family party so yeah we just had a great time I missed two sets wow this conversation but I mean how could I how could I not you know yeah you gotta what am I gonna hey sorry Jer I gotta go to New York comedy club can't do it so I'm skipping I'm like George after the the hand model I'm like walking down the street skipping I'm twisting I'm doing the whole thing cartwheels and I

go straight to New York comedy club and apologize in person wow so like look I get it I fucked up but because I had like 80 missed calls I'm like look I get it I fucked up but I told him why and Amy Hawthorne to her credit was like I get it you I get it you know don't feel bad she gets it I love all these clubs they all get it they get it I think they get it yesterday I canceled a stance box I was like it's game one of the Stanley Cup finals and he's like I don't enjoy really well Patrick's a hockey guy there's one booker that's so frustrating yeah yeah you got a K it's a lot no response right right everyone else

they're like what's I thought you're gonna hang with science right hockey you gotta watch hockey I get it why not be nice yeah it's nice to be nice to the nice all right so a couple more clinks and I'll get out of your hair give me a couple of side clinks so you know I just I go back to the cellar I have a late cellar and a late fat black and I go when I see like John Fish and Lenny Marcus and Ray Ellen and Liz and all juice most of them well by the time I started saying it it was juice I get it you slipped into Liz yeah and I will I will yeah converted oh Sammy Davis so I was just telling him the whole fucking

thing and they're like wow that's crazy you know what the cellar don't don't shit on things you know but there was no shitting because that's how big this was huge I'm jizzing I can feel it coming out of me and I go to a set and a set was fun and I mean it's one of those things and I hate to be this guy but all the flights all the heckles all the bar gigs all the fucking Amtrak's all the buses melt it away of course after that's one of these moments of like holy shit this what what if he didn't decide to show up that night what if I wasn't got them what if I was on later I mean it all connected it's all pipes

pipes different pipes go to different things I'll call a plumber right now that you say that because I was saying the same thing to Steve and Caitlin about Frank Whaley I'm kind of a comedic level but this is more like real but of all the things I'm like I was talking about I watched the movie Field of Dreams so many times seven years old all the way up until recently yeah I've watched for 30 years I've been watching this film this guy this one guy he made all these decisions in his life that led him to this to be in this film right and then I saw the film it means so much to me Pulp Fiction all of our lives took

place all over the world and we both came to the same breakfast place and embassy suites in Syracuse at the same time like there's that guy yeah I didn't watch it so seven bananas and this happened with you with Jerry Seinfeld who means so much more than Frank Whaley which is a funny person named remember but Seinfeld has shaped our entire lives entire life and now you're sitting on a couch with him yes it's crazy it's crazy I mean it's not so great when you think about comedy we're both comedians we're both doing clubs we're both live in New York but it's like that thing in comedian where he meets Cosby he's like

I can't believe life is that long right where I can sit my apart or my long island home listening to a record and now I'm talking to you at the beacon or wherever the hell they were and he's a serial rapist that's true so maybe Jerry will turn into a big rapist yeah hopefully not hopefully not so that would be a clicker so you know I go home I tell the girl we're going nuts she's a big fan of his we're banging we do anal it's all crazy and then the next day I wake up but I'm like all right we go do this we get lunch whatever and I get a text uh-oh the sign what it's the side my phone lit up and said Jerry Seinfeld

oh my god so real I hope your screen shot I did I sent it to you oh my god yeah come in the cup and throw it in my face and make me eat it please oh yeah well don't we'll do a whole bit about it patreon yes so now he I don't want to say what he texted me but it was about a biddy tried wow and I jokingly go I got a tag for you like trying to pretend like I was an idiot like I'll give you a tag right you know and he goes what's the tag wow oh my god so now I got to come up with a fucking tag oh now sit in my apartment I kick her out I fucking turned the lights on and I put my my glasses on I'm like oh my god I'm in

the lab now I gotta figure out a tag and I come up with something it's not great so I send it to me he goes it's funny thanks wow it was it more no yes sorry so I go but watch out don't step on Carlin's bit cuz they know he had a similar premise and he goes I just want to show him I know a lot about comedy so he goes what's his I sent him a YouTube link and he goes oh wow good to know and then he goes what do you think of this thing and he sent me a YouTube link of Carlin now we're breaking down comedy oh my god now we're doing Carlin verse prior who's better and they I said Carlin he said prior we're fighting over that we're

having a discussion oh my it's you Jerry and Carlin yes exactly so I don't want to get too into it but at one point it's getting so long like these long long text just about comedy theory and I go hey man maybe we should just go to a diner and just and hash it out he goes let's do it what so we're gonna go to a diner oh my god I don't know when things in my ass yes anything you find put it right in my ass you got it all right looks like we got a tripod here oh but yeah which leg do you want but hey so that's the big no baby wow when's the diner I don't know I'm nervous I'm terrified I almost don't want it to

happen because I could blow it it's like getting past at the cellar now all you do is check your oh speaking of which I didn't get any spots this week sorry fuck me see it just happened to me yeah yeah yeah good wait what happened I didn't get any spots oh I see that's like once you get past the cell you're all so excited to work at the cellar and then every Tuesday you're like it's 5 30 it's 5 45 you start testing everybody it feels like you asked I asked a hot girl out she happened to say yes and I'm like I don't want to go out with you I'll just blow it I just wanted you to be able to to go out with you just wanted to

jerk off to the show yes which I did been there mm-hmm so yeah I'm in this weird area of my life right now and I it's like I can't even describe it I forget about it I'll be shitting I'm like oh my god I can't believe that happened no it's crazy crazy the biggest of the big the big the biggest maybe Larry David maybe that would be something but still even even still yeah shows not enough to him good point but you know me yeah Larry I feel like would be a lot scarier in person he seems a little more curmudgeony and grumpy where his sign he was you hear these horror stories he said this he says that he's cutting he

does that couldn't have been nicer couldn't have been sweeter couldn't have been cooler laid back just regular dude so but exactly you hear horror stories that's why I think the difference between him and Larry I feel there's a lot of stories of like Jesus right yeah but Larry that there's none ah interesting yeah well that I didn't see any I was waiting I was like here it comes but if you like you know Hamilton was saying Hamilton's excited that you're talking to some because now he has something to talk to you about talking to Seinfeld wait to him he was saying that yesterday uh-huh he's like

now I can talk to somebody because no one talks to Seinfeld so Hamilton's out on this thing he's like I gotta go to a movie I'm on a carousel I don't know what that was going on yeah but now he's got you so now you and Hamilton will get closer because of the Seinfeld yeah well I saw Hamilton today I almost tackled the guy because we have a thing now that's what I'm saying and I was like how about this how about that he's like it's so funny because every time I saw him before that I would go hoots up a Jerry and he was like I love that he met you because you're the guy who's obsessed with him so it all worked out

why would Jerry bring anything yeah so yeah the whole thing's kooky and I couldn't I could quit now I mean I shouldn't but it's one of those things where I feel like this is the most validation hour special tonight show you know my mom's gay the whole thing this is the one this is it chair it's big big big so it's all down here and we're not changing it you got stairs in an apartment I'm freaking I mean that's probably we've probably made 50 references all right we got to start to wrap it up oh really I mean it's we're been at our five sorry sorry sorry we're going to the nine my phone

probably editing out about 12 of these minutes so yeah yeah good point what can you do well where you at there buddy third no fuck me I don't even know what day it is I gotta find my book I think I left it over there where is don't worry it's somewhere I'm at Gotham Comedy Club July what is it July 12th and 13th what's that Friday oh you're headlining off yeah well we've known this for a few weeks speak of the devil July 12th and 13th Gotham Comedy Club oh June 28 27 28 29 Providence Comedy Connection East Providence Rhode Island please for the glove of God I can't sell tickets anywhere you gotta let me sell tickets in

New England for the love of Pete and Thanksgiving weekend I'm in Boston Laugh Boston which is a long way off but Laugh Boston Thanksgiving weekend make plans Providence Comedy Connection June 27 28 29 and Gotham Comedy Club July 12th and 13th I also am doing the fat black pussycat on July I mean on June 11th and June 18th and June 20th so I got a few shows in the city a lot of shows in the city if you want to come out to those check them out and Nick Griffin has a new special out on Amazon this week go find that go listen to Nick Griffin he's amazing one of the best ever one of the best kind of big fan love Nick and get

on the patreon for God's sakes we got a whole video of this episode gonna be on video for patreon only for a couple weeks and then we got the live episode will be out soon with Corinne Fisher which recording tonight yes Alan they might even be out by the time you hear this and we got another bonus video bonus with Tom Dustin it's a great time to be on the patreon please sign up we want to blow up that fucking patreon you're getting a ton of shit for three bucks I know a lot of footage a lot of good stuff a lot of quality stuff these these live apps are going nowhere but patreon yes exactly the only eyes on it

I'm gonna be at bananas and Hasbrook Heights New Jersey all you Jersey gooks you always ask where I'm gonna be there and that's it then I'm gonna be at the DC draft house love that club love that tell us all that one out shall we then we got a helium comedy club in Buffalo New York not Syracuse love buff and then a whoo-ha-ha and Worcester mass and helium comedy club in Indian apolis Indy comedy works in Denver one of the best clubs out there lunch punchline Sacramento I hear they're fighting to keep the San Fran one open oh yeah and then improv in Addison Dallas Texas improv Addison you got it

Dallas Texas and then Magubes Baltimore Spokane and Tacoma and roar comedy club in Springfield oh I just got a new offer coming in from my agent Cap City comedy club in October that's for you Austin all right let's do it so yeah thanks for listening I hope Jerry never hears this because he'll probably de-friend me I love it what are you kidding I don't know I think I got too much I might have said too much about what we talked about he's probably like hey this private I didn't say anything comedy I read the text all right all right all right I hope you're right I'm not I'm not I'm living in fear now that's the

irony Jerry hates George Garland you're saying no no not at all he's a fan of of course yes he was at the funeral all right so thanks guys we love you praise all I will see you in hell kiss your dad and punch your mom in the cooter