Tuesdays with Stories! - #303 Front Burn

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

We're really cooking now folks as Mark shoots a sizzle reel before a huge bomb in Brooklyn (comedy!) while Joe deals with meth heads in Winnipeg. Check it out! Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and full video eps! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy my radio is spitting at me hi hi everybody oh is that hot right when I said hello Alex reach for the gears did I fuck us cuz people you'll hear about this shit people will tweet hey Joe said thing too

loud I hope you die of AIDS fuck your mother your parents are black you know they sure it's serious like they're like the jerk oh yeah terrific film good movie that was a good comedy you couldn't do now I love Steve Martin he's so lovable he's a good egg so likeable to pay what I'm three gay to pay to pay my friend he's gonna start I'd say 1994 wow to pay origin 90 can you ask Alexa about that can you Google the origin of a to pay they don't know she doesn't even know that's how good as to pay is because here's the genius of the Martin okay the to pay is thinning to pay that's pretty good is that what you're

doing now this is real thin I like a thinning to pay that's not bad yeah thinning in hair is the only thing you don't want well you don't a thin dick either no thin dick is bad and sometimes you get too thin if you're thinning if you're losing weight is good but someone's like he's thinning that seems bad if Delta Burke is remember go let me go Oprah which one is Delta Burke designing women that's what I thought but isn't that Fran Dressner see something else the nanny I always confuse those two shows because they both seem like they were things my mother's watch yes that I didn't I wasn't into I jerked off

to both really both our mothers but no the nanny was hot Delta Burke was a big old wildebeest okay yeah I remember here in that name she was a punchline of a lot of jokes Delta Burke yeah well that name is so funny Delta Burke sounds like an old cruise ship it sounds like a ship named after a fat lady we'll see I'm a Southerner so she was a queen down there oh she's the whole designing women was like Georgia Georgia they're all damp and hot they're the one black gay friend and so what's the pun there's usually a pun they design clothes yeah they were all designers they were designers but what's

the second part of the designing women it means like they're making them they have daughters but they're trying to not because usually these shows have like a double meaning yeah tondra designing women should be that movie AI Oscar Isaac oh I love that film what's that X Machina that's designing women oh yeah that's a good point I have a point that's good boy you're hot today I'm warm it's hot in here yeah you patting yourself down like a southern bell like Delta Burke I'm a little more like United Burke I feel like I should be next to you with a little fedora doing this thing that always seem like a fun that

hat thing yeah yeah how about the people that go just hand the people you still see them doing this it doesn't work it doesn't even do anything I'm doing right now I feel nothing I know I feel a little breeze now I might be turning around on this actually but then they say this actually makes you hotter of course because you're moving yes it's a futile as a government so we got a sparkly Shelby which is very rare a few tiles in my bathroom you know maybe a good idea we have a camera on you and then the YouTube it's just like an icon or they can watch your reaction yes right that's not bad that could be

something you don't want that mug up for too long the towns people the locals I'm joking showbo don't green at a guy remember what's ever left this already about Tom green oh I love Tom he doesn't get the credit if you see the stand-up he's no I watch the stand-up but I want any stand-up it's a terrible guy up there complaining shut up very indulgent but he had the guy that just laugh remember Glenn is that his name I think it was Glenn yeah he was good but you're kind of the opposite of a Glenn yeah you don't really look like a British guard you're a glum little word clumsier word but I don't know if it

fit in that situation maybe a gloom a gloom Glenn gloom is that what we're okay well I had a good run sorry what's good there's been glee he's running for president suppose what yeah oh wow he walked up to wrote but this really inspired me we're at the comedy store the improv and I was chatting with Rogan namedrop and then glee walked up second namedrop and he said hey I want to do your podcast I'm running for president and then Joe was like absolutely not huh and he was like what why he's like I think it's stupid and I don't want to do it huh it blew my mind because I'm so first

of all we don't even have guests how to say no right I have to say is we don't really have guests but instead I'm pacing I call my dad and I call my sister well here's the clinker on the on the Rogan no sure because it's like we talked about with Seinfeld namedrop I was standing next to him this guy walked up and goes can I get a photo and he goes oh okay and the guy was like all right the photo and doing Rogan's podcast doesn't help them but you gain everything these guys that's gonna do our shit is almost kind of even so it's hard to say no right you know they go hey Rogan hey Rogan I do your podcast he goes no no that

doesn't help me I don't want you to do it and I don't get anything from it so I can say no but in general also that I agree but I think also he just has that personality I feel like even yeah he's just like it doesn't have that thing of like oh should I do this should I say this right whereas everything I say including half the stuff I've already said I'm like that's gonna be a problem yeah yeah same same here I can't I can't look back right cry no yeah you gotta keep looking for we must go forward yes you don't abandon people in an airport pickup we must go forward forward March now they always say that don't look back

don't look back why not you gotta look back that's what the hell's the history book for them well the history channel how about Tom Petty get ready to have your hat blown off all right fedora please blow off any fedora by the way you can look back but it's best not to stare now that I like that's something I came up with this analogy a long time I just might have been on the podcast at this point we've been I think we've said everything we have to say at this point about stuff but I look as I think the windshield of a car is a great analogy okay because it's mostly vast and looking

ahead but you must have a small spot just a slit just as I came up with that in my 20s which I felt pretty happy about it's just a little slit and then there's a couple on the side a couple different angles of the past and a couple mirrors yeah the back is the past you got a couple angles and you can adjust but for the most part what's important is out ahead of us that's lunch somebody make a little photo for this guy a little meme sure yes yes how about this I'm excited and just like in the car and your front past future there is a blind spot yeah you don't know what's coming

blind spot is big all right we're back folks blind spots big because if you make a movement who know you could right right you don't know what's gonna happen so I predict yeah you're fucking a guy and they go oh I didn't think he had AIDS yeah should have worn a con yeah dumb ouch oh look I got a lot of stuff here I got all kinds of sex well let me tell you this somebody reached out I was so touched very touched they like being touched depends on the person yeah not physically touched and hearing that okay but an emotional touch last night I'm going to bed two o'clock in the morning whatever and I do my last minute phone it's important to check all your social media obsessively right before you close your

eyes yeah key that helps so I look on Facebook I get a Facebook message from a fella I should look up his name and he said hey big Tuesday mm just happened to remember today was your doctor's appointment oh the guy remember I mentioned it six weeks ago wow and he's like I remember your doctor's appointment he's like I hate to hear you suffering and he's like I want to be clear I don't mind hearing about your medical stuff I'm just sad to hear your suffering I hope the doctor appointment went great who is this Gandhi I mean I was touched he put his fingers right in my ass yeah I shot a rocket into my own mouth but here's the thing that's very sweet very thoughtful but then I go what a guy do I have to answer this I answered all right I said thank

you I appreciate that you don't have to write a big song and story book yeah ending sure but you you wrote thanks buddy go fuck me ain't only fatty Jew well he's getting a hell of a shout out here too that's I don't know his name should I look up his name get my name look I'll give him a name I think it's David oh I love a David that's a good star yeah hold on let me find this isn't worth it see that but that's nice though because he probably wasn't asking for a shout out but he was so kind that you get one David Rubin oh Jew yeah good sandwich shoes it's thoughtful yeah some of them this Harvey yeah there must be some bad Jews oh yeah uh but anyways thank you David Rubin and the doctor's appointment was yesterday which is now eight days ago if you're

listening to this mm-hmm assume you're listening to this you're not listening to you're not hearing it it's kind of like a tree wait a minute now you got another window analogy what's going on no thing but like if you're like of course they're listening if they're not listening they're not hearing it sure I was like if you're listening right now where do you get a tree well it's like that if the tree falls oh I see if there's if no one hears it there's no podcast right that's always strange this is a complete detour detour it's always strange when something that something somebody said from the past comes out and then they're like oh this is crazy but you're like but it happened eight years ago so your life has been unaffected the world's been unaffected

you're just hearing about it now I agree isn't that weird yeah I feel like this outrage chuchu train we're on you need coal you need shit to throw in the engine or the oven whatever it is well easy oh yeah sorry sorry Dave yeah sorry about the oven and train jesus uh Jesus ah damn it choose for jesus uh so but you need so you gotta go hey we're out of resources we've used up harvey cosby louis the other guy let's go eight years back let's go get john wane we need the coal right I'm shoveling it in yeah that was fun thank you I like the video yeah got your patreon join the patreon you know you run out of juice in america hey let's go dig for oil in uh afghanistan yes we gotta go dig oil juice instead of going to afghanistan though we're going back in time well if you

want some oily juice look no further than my pants hey ho comedy I got nothing on shelby on that one he's a tough I think that window is a good idea I think that's something because you were shaking your head it was really upsetting what do you think of the window you don't like the window thing hates the rear of your mirror window I think you met the analogy the window analogy you like that that's how you met the shelby face no no but what do you think of the the window mirror analogy that's something thank you got a fantastic a little bit of a sarcastic fantastic bad vibe dying here oh no no anyways let me get back to my business so Ruben I went to the doctor as you know I have paradoxical vocal cord movement v no wait pv

m I think we forgot one all right no paradoxical is one long word but or is it yeah pdm pdm p wait what they got a v in there somewhere pv m pv m yeah yeah that's what I said all right but alex is yelling so alex trying to get his own window he's got Tourette's all right pdvm or pvm whatever the fucking pvm it's when the paradox is when your vocal I want to breathe but I can't breathe that's a paradox yes anyway so I went and I talked about this before the doctor's like you have one session you'll be fine and then I gotta wait fucking six months I go to see the lady she said doctor that goes by the first name who's like hi I'm Andy that's odd I don't like it she was very attractive I have to say oh really doc doc Andy yeah female Andy and uh she said hi

I'm Andy and then there was no jacket or anything oh I don't like this she's just a topless lady I like that I mean she had a blouse of course but it felt strange because she's not it doesn't feel like a she's a she is a doctor yeah but she's trying to undock her herself it's an interesting technique you know people want to be on the level you know they want to be with you well I'm a common man common person yeah it's like uh mr. Belden's brother he's like call me Jim Belden Belding oh Belding I didn't hit the second G the one G I need the ink the bell ding ding remember you had the bro what was his brother's name he had a brother he was cooler he was cool he went just call me Bob whatever his name was and then at the end Zach's like we might have got

the cooler building but we got the better building right it's still a little hurtful yeah but I think when you're 78 you're cool would not be in cool you know what's sad looking back mr. Belding was probably like 39 oh I bet he was younger than that no he's not younger than that give it a good I bet he was probably mid mid to late 40s I'm gonna say late 30s early 40s I think mark paul gossier was probably 28 these ages are all wacky in Hollywood you don't know who's what Steve urkel was like 59 wow hold on black don't crack look that's true they spoke in the in the miss belding miss bliss sorry miss bliss ah yes I think Zach was about 11 no no 39 that's amazing who belding yes that's what I said late 30s early 40s I said 39 originally that was my original

number but then you went up to mid 40 late 40 I made late faith I mean the show went on for a while so that's true it's a range but yeah we don't know what year he's talking but you said 78 to begin with well that was comical I know exaggeration for humor's sake well that's what I had all right but I had the 39 you got pretty good pretty good but how old was Zach now but we need a year I can't go the show spanned five decades jesse spano oh we are locked into the same oh I'm like a southern lawyer trying to get my black client off of a rape so you created the murderer you know I met christians later oh boy he got uglier is that true well he was a hunk in the 80s oh yeah leaving the cube pump up the volume heathers and then broken arrow he was a bag of

bones he was really doing Nicholson really yeah whole Nicholson thing going on what was that he just did Nicholson nobody cared I cared I still do I don't like it woo all right so anyways mr bell that she's like the alternative mr belding who's this the brother yes mr belding yes that's what that's what the doctor was like she's like no jacket got it no last name no doctor I'm just Andy I got a blouse sure and uh she was really sweet but I went there almost missed the appointment and you know me I'm compulsively early I like to be early I got here early noon uh you're an early bird yeah well I got a worm that's all that will fit in my mouth I hope uh so I leave and I'm trying to curb it I'm trying not to be all these places too early

it's something I'm working on in therapy you're losing parts of your life yeah he's like you keep leaving too early you're fucking lunatic so I said all right so I kind of lounge got laid hung around nice one o'clock appointment google maps is 29 minutes so I leave at 1210 so let's take it to there at 1240 okay I walk up here and I'm trying I get a bagel and I'm trying to I hear the train up top it's an elevated train I hear it but I'm like I'm not gonna run through the train I'm trying to cool out I got plenty of time there's no need to run and choke and be gay so I just I walk leisurely up the steps yeah train pulls away and I go I missed the train no big deal don't want to run for it might as well make the train though but you got your thing going I'm eating breakfast

you're eating I'm eating and you know I got a bag on it's a whole session then I'm bombing up the steps I'm sweating and then they're early and I go if I get on the train now I'm gonna be early oatmeal too early I had oatmeal I finished the oatmeal now I got a whole wheat bagel lightly toasted nothing on it nice have you did do you like something on it or you just can't have something on it can't have something on it if you could now I got I could put some butter or some peanut butter on it but now I'm just used to it I get I get locked in on a thing you get locked all right I'm locked locked and loaded so I go up there not loaded six and a half years popping lock so I get up there I wait for the next train and it's one of these ones where

usually they come every six minutes eight minutes and now the elevated train you can see far and there's nothing coming nothing nothing coming do they give you the time cunt nothing listed and then you know something's amiss oh it's amiss because the other side is telling you this is when the next queen's bound train comes but no Manhattan so I start but I try to go don't get nervous don't get gay just be cool long story short about 20 minutes past so now I'm texting Sarah I go can you look up she's got some app that I don't download because I'm an asshole I don't do that either can you look and tell me what time she was there's one that just left I go all right because this is the mic a break moment I gotta get a cab or else right she was there's

one that just left the state I go okay great I rely on this this is why I don't like those apps yep never comes I wait another 10 minutes I call the office I go hey I'll be running late they go what time you're gonna get here I go well I have no idea because the train's not here yet oh god so she goes well we give you a window till 105 maybe 110 I hate a window now this Andy lady she's like exclusive she's got all the stars all she's got Cindy Loper and Aretha Franklin and Freddie Mercury she handles everybody all the big names you gave you a window and this is a blind spot you blind spot in the window uh-huh so uh I go well what do I do it wins her next appointment is there a later appointment I'd wait six weeks for this one to go Jesus nope no later appointment

I go can I get on a call list no no we don't do that damn next appointment is July 15 I mean Italy on July 15 so it's gonna be at least another seven weeks of no breathing go league Andy so I'm waiting for 30 minutes New York City MTA I hope your mother's die of too many dicks in the ass what are we on a Sunday what are we yesterday Monday Monday afternoon Monday 12 o'clock it starts at midday midday morning peak my mother so then finally they come on and go folks because of a signal problem trains are not running to create a story about not running Kevin 30 minutes I'm waiting not running and there's no apology right and there's no money back right you give your money back and they should give you the money you paid and a free train ride the next time

they should hand out five dollar bills as you're leaving easily give me a finsky bitch it's the problem with these giant conglomerates yeah I don't know that word is really and then you try not to yell at the cum guzzling douche at the station with the yellow vest on but that's all you got you got no other event guy you got no sounding board yes what's the word is that it thank you waterboard I'm not against that I like it I think it's fun it's very refreshing if you look like you just got waterboarded I feel like it it's like a nonsidic weird you just got you just got you look like you just got waterboarded yeah I should have said it all right I fucked up I do declare anyways so I go down so now I'm like I'm I missed the appointment I'm I'm texting my mother I'm texting

my wife I'm like I'm fucked I missed the appointment I missed the first train by five seconds and now there's no train I run downstairs I'm like I try to get a lift I'm fumbling for a lift I walk down I see a yellow cab which is never in my neighborhood just driving by I flagged him down I dove on the windshield there's like a zombie film right and then I go I gotta I gotta go and he goes how far are you going oh here we go and I go that's illegal you gotta take you're taking me or you're not taking me I'll report you and the guy's like okay get in good for you and I hate to be this you know cunt but I'm like that's the rule that's the rules fuck up you either either taking me or you're not taking you can't do that well where are you going and we got an exclusive Andy bitch here she's not

wearing a jacket step on it I got a blouse exclusive Andy appointment yes topless we get in there I type in google maps and I go if you can if you can make it happen it would be a great tip in it for you I was like the guy in taxi driver yes you do the right things there's a nice tip in it for you oh yeah clean the jizz off the seats so then we we start going and like there's just no traffic in Queens because Queens midday is not too bad not bad we get to Queensboro bridge no traffic we're just breezing I'm looking at google maps it says 18 minutes and it's 12 I can't do the math but whatever it was it's gonna put me there 106 p.m. oh that's a window she said between 105 maybe 110 I like it so I call the office I got I've called back I'm like I was just on the phone I'm coming

don't cancel my appointment I'll be there I swear to God I'm coming so then we go and we get into the city now the traffic starts second avenue and 55th ish how they get you it takes the right we're going west across 49th street then I made the executive decision we're in traffic I realize at some point in Manhattan foot is faster than car yes foot is good so I go I got off right here he goes this is 49th and third I go I'm okay thank you I gave him a 25% tip which is pretty juicy that's hot in the cab world I get out now I'm running it's like plane strains and automobiles Kevin Bacon my sister's gay yes I run over there I get up there walk into the line I look at the clock 1 0 0 wow exactly I made it wow just made it and I go in there and I'd sign I go hi I'm Joe

and Annie walks right up she's like you're Joe come on in I just walked right in wow no waiting and she was the sweetest lady she's blah blah blah you've been sweating and huffing and puffing I was all fucked up but she's like you're fine you're good and then she calmed me down she's like this is normal you have this thing and I love this part of it she's like you're not crazy I feel crazy I'm losing my mind I was like maybe it's anxiety goes no no you have this I'm looking at the video she's like you might be crazy but this is something you have your vocal cords are closed that's why you can't breathe and it feels so you feel um what's that word comforted exonerated no when somebody confirmed something validated validated I felt like the parking yes I felt

validated she's like no no you have this thing blah blah blah she gave me three breathing exercises one involves a straw the other one a dildo and she goes you do that 10 times a day you'll be fine we'll have a follow-up we'll do something then and then she said get the hell out of here you like her you trust her sweetest pie this is what's great I talked to this before this is what's great about living in New York we have great doctors we've asked all the best doctors oh yeah doctors and pizza and comedy so anyways I'm doing breathing exercises I feel great I'm able to breathe again I'm working on the reflux she said that'll go away she's like it took you 37 years to get to that point it's only been a few months just stay strong on your diet do the breathing exercises you gotta

be great so I've had three doctors be like ah you're fine so I've really swept up and come back around I appreciate all the concern I feel like a million bucks I'm really getting uh spiritual again and then I'm writing and I'm working out and I feel tremendous so I apologize for being a little down the dumps for a few months I'm back I mean you got a real kick in the balls uh life-wise you had to deal with it you had to you had to absorb it a little bit little absorb and it's been four months without a slice of pizza a coca-cola wow a yodel wow uh or a any kind of marinara it's pretty crazy let me ask you this one there fatty what's been harder to give up cold turkey completely not even a drop cock uh well that answers alcohol or yummy food it's tough because I

think yummy food is actually tougher in a lot of ways because it's normalized well hey you gotta eat you gotta eat you have to eat you don't have to drink good point you do have to eat and uh but booze takes the edge off yeah don't get me wrong it's very difficult and um but also there was more um yeah as I was drinking you're like my life is going to be better I'm a fuck up I guess food is like that but I was a miserable fuck up depressed I was a depressant sure I guess the food probably is too to some degree right right um and then drinking I don't know I did I had a lot more like sobering friends and uh there's also more help with not drinking uh no I can't get together with a group of people and be like yeah we don't eat pizza anymore either oh yeah maybe you could

Jenny Craig I think that's what they talk about but they're uh they're all tricky to help the Burke might be there I think so with Oprah and Kirstie Alley but um yeah I don't know they're both both tricky and tough but I feel like a million bucks have lost weight I'm in better shape I'm taking great big green shits and sure so I feel pretty good anyways that was uh that was a lot of stuff good to have you back fatty should we oh you know what I want to talk about oh what's that I just got by the way I wasn't expecting this I missed the email well they told us this was gonna happen but I got some bad ass headphones oh what do you call them exactly I don't even know Raycon ear the earbuds what do you call a wireless earbuds yes wireless earbuds now yeah as you know

I kind of poked fun at these earbuds before yeah yeah yeah kind of hurt my feelings I apologize if your feelings were hurt I've never intentionally hurt anybody's feelings man that's probably not true but not yours all right but um actually helps a lot with some other stuff I got in the mail I got a big box in the mail and I said what is this who sent this to me I'll tell you who sent it to me who's that Raycon they sent it to me love Raycon I am loving these things I apologize to everyone I ever judged they're great the soundest killer and when I rock out I tend to rip the the cords right out the wire it hurts too and they're tough to unravel and tangle look at this I still have my old ones in my pants because these are old pants look at that piece of guys like it's bullshit

it's having a vcr in your pocket garbage I'm done with those tell me about Raycon it's the best baby look it's 2019 who needs the wire who needs the cord get a good pair of air earbuds fuck get a good pair of earbuds I almost said earbuds get a good pair of earbuds Raycon's the way to go don't spend hundreds of zillions of dollars on these things these are the best that's all you need the company was actually co-founded by Ray J and celebrities like Snoop Dogg and Cardi B are already obsessed Raycon's e50 wireless earbuds have totally changed the game baby they're comfortable they're easy to take anywhere and unlike some other other wireless options Raycon earbuds are both stylish and discreet they're very stylish too hip so go to buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays

that's b y b u y buy to get 20% off of your order that's buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays for 20% off Raycon wireless earbuds if you've been eyeing a pair now is the time to get an amazing deal one more time buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays yeah support these guys because they sent us a couple of free pairs and they're great so oh yeah get them they're really terrific love them thanks for them on the pot I got them in my bag over there oh yeah cance film festival oh yeah is that our only ad great there you go all right well get a pair I think you're gonna really like them I gotta drop something on you here uh oh I got a couple things I hope it's a load on my back yes it's warm all right um well this is a new one oh boy well first of all I want to give a

shout out to Matt Bax it's his birthday he's a he used to work at Trude TV he's a producer creator TV show biz guy all right he's a Tuesday so he hit me up and he goes I've been listening to Tuesdays I got a show idea for you you're such a fuck up you miss the flights wow in a good way you miss flights you miss uh you don't know how to do your taxes you you bought an apartment you barely got through that by the skin of your teeth this whole thing so he's like the show is just me are you being helped it's called Mark Dorman needs help so this will be the 38th show I've pitched but this guy's on board he's done TV he's done some stuff he's got experience so he said let's do a sizzle all right so he shot a sizzle out in Brooklyn we had actors

we had a bunch of comics come out and do stuff and uh it looks great we had costumes and makeup and hair and a director and gaffer and grips gaffigan grab gaffer lighting the real deal and uh we might sell it wow so that's exciting who knows folks who knows but it was just a great shoot on Saturday you know they you know when you got a professional there they got breakfast when you get there there's coffee then then we're breaking for lunch like they know all the rules there's nothing like being around a professional to realize what a piece of shit you are oh yeah sometimes we'll go to do a podcast and they're like all right Billy hit it and then they hit the thing and then something else happens and we're just fucking idiots we're idiots and we don't

know what's going on which is the whole point of the show Mark Norman needs help but you show up and there's a call sheet with times on it and this and that all the equipment is there and when you see all that shit you go I gotta step it up right I'm gonna bring the heat I'm gonna be funny I'm gonna wear all the outfits I'm gonna not complain I'm gonna be a good egg now let me ask you this please if I may play can I play business can I play the uh the pitch guy yeah not the pitch guy the the executive aha and this is this might sting a little this is gonna hurt why do I care about your life that's a good question shouldn't it be Tom Hanks needs help yeah well Tom Hanks he doesn't need help I'm the everyman I'm you but I'm talking like a celebrity

that needs help right because we go what a way why Mark Norman needs help why not Tom Dicker Harry why not Delta Burke needs help well a couple reasons there one now don't get me wrong no I want to see the show I'm just I'm just foreseeing you're the third guy to ask me this in an hour well I've pitched 11 shows myself and every one of them goes well why are you the movie expert I know what I know about the movie theory right right that we did it why are you two travel everyone sure sure it's every question and it stops in your tracks in the room you go oh I don't know you hate me too I don't get it you want to go well we're funnier than everybody well that's what you want to do yeah well one it's real I'm really this guy right two we're funny three

gotta be a three three three three's the magic numb because that's still not well okay I don't know you man-versed food uh-huh he's that fat loser douche who looks like Brett Ratner why him that's see that's what I say see now now I want to be back on this team why Guy Fieri because it's on TV right right that's exactly I never understand it either that's how I feel with every time I pitch something they're like why you why the why are people tuning in and I'm like funky houses or whatever right looking at houses yeah it's houses they're funky I'm gonna be making jokes exactly so but here's the thing and you're right to ask that and and 18 other people have asked me that including my family but we're funny and you just gotta get in the door you gotta go this

is why me and we then we should play the sizzle and the sizzle is fucking hilarious right yes but that's again why I haven't sold 38 shows that I've pitched yeah this is because it feels like this is how the business works now you want they want you to go get independently famous right and then they go now I'll bring in the show yes because if uh you know you brought all of a sudden you had 900 thousand instagram followers you pitched that that go great come on our face we'll put it on camera exactly on tv whatever it is that'd be a good show well I'm rooting for it I I think it should be you it's another thing they dip your toes in and get excited about it then not happen so hopefully it happens but you heard it here first folks if it does and if it ever happens I'll never bring it up

again bring it up but either way I didn't do CBD oil or THC and ruin the whole shoot well all the all these things I think you you pitch them all if they don't if they pass on them you put them in a little back that's what I like with a back burner really but yeah me neither it's the same as the front burner you never hear about a front burner it's only right there oh is that what that is like a stove yeah because you're working on this and you put this in the back but you're still it's still right there never thought about that yeah I think that's what it is what about a side burner what about the oven what about the fireplace what about the you get it the microwave put in the microwave sure all right so that was a fun shoot and it's just nice shooting something

because you like you feel like you're in the business this show's about me I'm the star even if it doesn't go I'm still shooting on all day in Brooklyn on a Saturday yeah it's fun to be doing things and you're creating and you're in the business I'm in the biz that's why I just called my manager an agent yesterday and said hey you know I'd like to go out for commercials again because I had some artistic integrity for a while that's out but I realized this it's not about the integrity it's fun to do commercials it is I'm done a couple nice to make the money also I'm trying to have a family over here sure two of us but still still and still a family you don't get credit for the family with no kids that's a good point we're a family you're a family I got I got first of

all I still have aunts and uncles and a sister and a mother and a dad a nephew a niece a nephew I got two sets of those uh-huh I got a wife that's a family well there they have kids why do you need kids people say are you gonna have a family I'm like I have a family I like that that could be a bit maybe maybe good point my wife and I have family it's a two person family that's a good point yeah and even if I didn't have a wife I still got family right you're gonna have a family my mom's yeah family yeah there's something there something there family uh what about me my family what do you mean tell you hey when people did yeah we're we're family baby actually we're not we're we're friends yeah I suppose but some friends cross into family I guess but then it's incest if you

fuck well we're not fucking wow you could fuck a friend I'd love to fuck a friend you could phone a friend I'm not sure I want to fuck you no I'm not saying fuck me but if I fuck a gal who's a friend of mine then what if we're family fucking friends I'm not sure I follow you there but this family affairs I always like that family affairs yeah now is that a show family affairs oh well that's called uh daddy step dad fuck step bro you porn yeah because some shows you feel like they came up with the title first doesn't feel like that completely perfect strangers family matters johnnygan had the bet and I hope I'm allowed to talk about this but he had the best show idea and title ever uh or not maybe not ever but to me it was the best one ever he had a show idea I hope this is

all right he had a show idea where him and his wife have a kid when they're teenagers okay then they grow up and the kids go off to college but they're only 37 years old uh-huh now they're living their life but they're our age uh-huh it's called you're only young twice oh that's not bad so now they're not bad that's killer I like it that should be on the air they don't know what the fuck they're doing over there in la la land wow this is why I have no faith for anything we pitch I don't believe they know what they're doing I don't think they know what they're doing either but if I was a z's I think they would just buy it oh yeah for sure that's what I mean you gotta establish this thing and it helps to be a little different well that doesn't hurt yeah yeah well here's the thing I'm the dumb guy

I think that helps if you're the white you can be a big dumb idiot yeah and YouTube these tutorials are very popular you know how to tie a tie how to bake a cake how to fix your carburetor and that's what the whole show is but it's funny you didn't say that part oh that's big that's in the pitch you left that out all right it's a laugh and learn it's a laugh and learn you didn't say the laugh and learn that's big if you're learning how to do a carburetor I'm doing that yes okay at one point I try to fuck a lady and she's into astrology so I have to go learn about astrology that's the show we're talking now I'm seeing I thought it was just someone doing your laundry no no I have to learn how to do laundry the delegates and the whites yeah I thought they were

getting the crumbs off your lips and that kind of thing sure but it's all me doing it I see okay I like that tutorial maybe that's the angle in the in the elevator pitch uh-huh elevator well that's what they call an elevator pitch you gotta pitch it while you're still in the elevator that's how quick it has to be oh you want to get that idea too sweet right on the button I don't even know what the elevator pit I'm just doing regular room pitches well we gotta get you in an elevator I love an elevator all right well push all the buttons keep you in there longer all right so that was one thing now let me run this nugget by it yeah stick it up my ass see if it bleeds all right could that be a new saying usually it doesn't but um here we go I'm waiting on the L I'm doing a

show in Ridgewood Queens so I gotta take the L all the way out to Myrtle the L is a train yeah oh sorry L train out to Myrtle Ave also known as Murder Ave oh wow way out there we have an L train and an L train the elevated train L and there's L I've thought of that myself but so I'm taking the L out there L for loser and this guy walks up being normal looking guy shorts you know button down he goes uh Mark Norman I go yeah yeah yeah yeah I take the earbutt out and he goes hey big fan I used to see all over town I love your comedy and I go oh thanks thanks and here's the thing with this the whole time I'm thinking this is very nice this is a fans flattering but you're thinking how long do this is gonna happen for that's the first thing you think like

I don't mind doing it I don't mind hugging photo gay make out but what am I in for am I in for a five minute or am I in for an hour yeah it's like Sam's old joe we wish you could tap it yes with the has the like a youtube the youtube time limit give me the timeline so it felt like all right I'll do my shakes and this will maybe be three five minutes tops and then we'll get out of here so here's the clinker we start talking goes all right to the clinker oh yeah okay quick one well I wish he was a quick one I wish shake hands we go hey thanks he goes I love your stuff you have a good point of view you have a good take on thing I go thanks and there's only so many comments you can take yes because how many times did you go thank you thank you and I got nothing

to give him right I don't know anything about you sir right no offense yeah but here's the clink the train shows up now we have to get on now once you get on you can't separate yes it was harder you got to put your ray cons in and just go take it easy that's not bad but I wish I had some ray guns so we get in the train I sit down he sits next to me now this is when it gets ugly the doors close is a packed L train okay and the doors close and he's talking at full volume I hate a full volume I hate it it's an epidemic I don't I feel like Paulie I don't want anyone hearing what they're right I'm saying what they're saying to me we're both sitting there on the seat it's jam packed so that everybody's standing in front of me sitting next to me sitting around me

standing around me you can't even move in there and he goes uh I gotta tell you so I uh I thought about making a movie I want to make a movie and I feel like I need a comic I need a comic I've reached out to like five kind of full volume so now they all know I'm a comic it's embarrassing and he's like I'm like well look man uh why no offense but like why would I do that why would I uh write a movie with you you know because what do I get out of the executive I guess so yeah that's true I need an elevator pitch and so he goes well I just think it uh if you do the movie with me you can add the jokes and I can add the story and I'm like yeah yeah I could just do I could just figure out the story or you could just why don't you just do it alone or I'll do it alone and he's like well I

think two heads are better than one full volume it's so embarrassing he's in New York City talking about writing a movie you fucking chuch you're such a spring chicken hayseed loser what are you crazy ah shit I hope he never hears this so he's like I'm a lawyer I know how to talk I know how to do that I'm like oh my god yeah what kind of lawyer takes the train yeah so he goes here's my card and I go oh thanks and I'm like oh this could actually be useful in case he's like you're ever getting in trouble everything like anything like Louie happens to you I'm like oh yeah Louie that's uh that's a crazy one he goes I think the guy got screwed Louie see guy he's saying it's a full volume in the fucking we're in Brooklyn now now by this time we're in Williamsburg you know so I'm

standing next to a fat chick with blue hair a guy with a chain wallet and uh Aunt Jemima's standing there and he's just going Louie got screwed he did nothing I've seen some real sexual assault I'll tell you what I'm a lawyer I've defended people who is really sexual that ain't sexual assault I'm like now he's getting worked up full-volume brutal something you're at Skankfest blue haired look I'm a juggaload town no but it's what it's all these hipsters you know so uh everybody's glaring at me and I'm like yeah yeah yeah I got screwed I'm trying to keep it low you know yeah and uh now here it comes we're being held in the station now that's a clinker you got two clickers I got 18 clickers you got a bunch of clinkers and a fucking douche so he's going off

about Louie he's going off about they Louie got screwed you comedians you guys got to stick together blah blah blah I'm like yeah yeah yeah and now everybody's looking at us and it's full volume lawyer won't shut up he's got to move to LA that's what you should say yeah you should go to LA they need lawyers and screenwriters right this very few he's like I'd love he's he does some kind of boring law and he's like I'd love to get into a celebrity law what do you call it Hollywood law showbiz law no no movie law sharia law yeah Jennifer Lawrence I don't know but either way he was uh he's uh and I had to do the what stop are you going to and he's like because I'm going to Myrtle so I'm going way out to fucking Hamptons you know and he's going to uh Jefferson I was like

ah it's one before mine and it just went on and on it was the slowest train of my life everybody's looking at me and here's what's crazy he finally gets out this woman sits next to me who's standing there obviously listening the whole time yeah and I go oh my god I'm sweating my anxiety's through the roof and she sits down I go that was brutal and she goes and just gives me the stink eye and turns away a to be like I heard everything and b why would I talk to you now which I kind of get right because I was mad at him for talking to me and now she's doing it or now I'm doing it but I know that feeling we have to make it clear this is not my friend yes I've done that before sometimes I'll do that I've had that happen with a similar situation I go well nice to meet you right I've

certainly never spent time with you before right you kind of let people know oh god just talking about it got me all hot and bothered that guy was a nightmare yeah I don't like that guy who I hope you know if he hears this he'll kill himself but uh he's a fan so you might hear it he didn't know about the pod he's like I always saw you see me I go to whiplash every week I saw you all the time I was a big fan blah blah blah oh I think I might know that guy I know a guy that used to always go to whiplash but he lived in Astoria I got a nice guy business card this is a different guy this guy is quiet and very nice so uh I go out to the show this is a different show a different night but this this has to be talked about okay I just need your I need to unload on somebody yeah right

back yes so I go to this show I do like three shows in a night this is my last show I get there early it's a bar show it's kind of you know cool guy show and everybody's kind of struggling but they I couldn't tell if they were bad comics or if the crowd was bad so I go I go I got some some I tried and true so I'm just gonna hit them with the hits and see what happens sure I bomb so hard it was one of those bombs where you don't just bomb they hate you it's not just this isn't working it's we don't like you and we think you should die and we think you're a bad person wow yeah and ain't no part of that's probably in my own head but uh the shit works in other rooms right I know that feeling I've had it not so much hate but that feeling of

like the eyes I know they think I suck yes they're like this guy sucks and he's not doing well right right and you want to just be like you want to give him your resume yeah like here's who thinks I'm good right but you can feel them being like you're not good at this not good and you're over the line on a few things you want to be like no no I've gained the I've earned this which sounds so cunty but man did I bomb that because then I was like you know when you start bombing and you have that fighter fly you go fuck you I'm doubling down I'm going way dark I'm going way offensive fuck you you you don't like this eat this then bitch and man it got way worse and like the the comics are in the back doing this one like oh you know like covering the face and uh oh boy

it was one of those bombs when you were starting out bombs like remember when you're starting and you're like maybe I should quit maybe and you lose sleep over at bombs yeah you think I'm not even close yes I hate that feeling yes but the next night I did like I tried to do that Jaco is it Jaco will a nick I don't know who that is that marine guy you gotta check him out all right he's got some good some good stuff but uh Jaco he's an ex marine he's this big square jawed white motherfucker with a big old noggin and uh crazy shoulders and a fist the size of your asshole wow and he's just a scary proud you know I'll kill you I'll strangle an afghan in front of you whitey okay and uh he's always got all these quotes and stories and uh truisms

and stuff and he's like every situation has a good everything you know like your mom dies something good can come of it now I don't have to call her now I have to be stronger and now I have to be on my own or whatever there's always a good so I kept thinking what's the good it was one of those bombs and shook me sounds like a fellow that hasn't been raped but uh keep going yeah yeah probably not I don't know if you could rape him he'd rip your dick off with his asshole okay but uh sounds hot yeah he's a hot guy I think but he's almost too manly he looks like an action figure but but I kept trying to find the good and I guess the good is like well this will humble me and make me work harder or this will make me motivate me to write more

I can do something to talk about in the podcast oh there you go it's uh what do you call it material for the podcast some potter potter yes yeah okay that's something but whoof which by the way is our term is that right yeah no one else has that harry potter yeah because uh I said uh canon oh I said Mike can you should call your podcast canon potter and everyone was like what the fuck does that even mean uh I think we invented potter I think so with the pot potter's wheel yeah we'll take it all right potter's wheel I like potter pottery barn I already said harry potter said something I didn't hear what it was Harry Potter this guy thinks he can contribute to our show especially a thing that already was contributed all right uh we love you briz you want one's the last time you had a real

earth shattering bomb to the core a couple weeks ago at uh the um by the way I got one more big story oh sorry sorry um improv labs they tell you about this one you did I forgot yeah we talked about in the pot I can't remember yeah that was right after the row that was the rogan week no it was a second different week that one was not that was the improv which wasn't great but everyone didn't do great then I had a hot one but I did the improv labs I can't remember I talked about this it was me and henry and Nate Barghatsi and Sarah we all sat in the green room at the improv which I didn't even know existed you know about that green room no I didn't know that there's a green room like that in the back at labs upstairs that's a bit it's like a piano and a couch so we went up there we sat

in a circle we were just telling all these bomb stories we're waiting to go out Nate and I waiting to go on it's me Nate Henry and Sarah a couple other people friends and we're telling all these classic bomb stories and the guy comes up he's like all right Nate you're on then Joe we go downstairs it's like pretty full it's kind of the alt room whatever the side room uh-huh and then we come back like these swinging dicks we were up in the private green room and it's got a tv deal and whatever and then he went up and did pretty good I went up afterwards and just fucking ate it like a full bomb wow like a like a bomb bomb they all put on the patreon oh you have the set oh yeah oh you got it they would love to hear that I know but there's some new stuff on there too that I don't want to

oh yeah I mean I fucking ate it was like 10 straight minutes the kind of bomb we were like should I get out of here like we're five minutes in you're like I think I should just take off like right stupid and then you got to walk back up to like this private area where we're all hanging out right then we started laughing as I went back up there and I was like guys I got another bomb story ah that was fun and you almost feel like am I allowed in the venue now it feels weird it feels I'm not past there or anything right it's like Nate was just like no just come on up here and I was like okay yeah I was on the show but it felt weird that I was up in this private booth by the way comedy needs to work on that a little bit we have these comics who are like I don't want to say

legendary is a huge horrible word to say but like well known uh what's appreciated is that the word established yeah Nate Burgessi is an established comic he should be able to walk into a comedy club in Milwaukee and they go oh Nate I think he's getting there he's getting there but you me we can't go anywhere we're pretty good no no they were trying to like it was weird because like Sarah came later than me and they're like we need to take your phone if you're going in there and I was like oh she's my wife she's a comic on yeah like but who are you it's like this weird thing where I'm like I'm on the show but I gotta what we want to be like ah she can come in she doesn't need to give you your yes she can come in she's one of us and I'm like name dropping

Henry I'm like Henry's in there they used to fuck can she just come in for god's sakes they're like no no no you know it was a weird situation but it's not on them who do they who the fuck am I I I guess but you're you're in the biz I'm somebody to us but maybe there's too many comment I shouldn't I shouldn't put on the bouncer it's just some some guy who doesn't care about comedy just trying to work a job but and not get fired also and not get like you let fucking this guy right they don't know who's who and what's what but maybe it's also why comedy is so fun it's because it is under the radar and it is humbling like you know uh John Mayer who's a famous musician can just walk into a rock club people go Jesus Christ John but he's also kind of a household

name yeah he's famous he's also unbelievable I didn't realize how amazing John Mayer is good looking cat but he's like a mind-blowing musician I just thought of him as like your body is a wonderland oh no he's a guitar god yeah I didn't know I was late to swing around on mayor oh yeah he's the mayor sexy man but let me give you this one last yeah we gotta be running out of time here but uh I was in Winnipeg which similar to Syracuse and no offense I love those people up there underratedly shitty city at parts like downtown we stayed down Vecchione I co-headline we stayed downtown they're downtown it's like a meth bomb went off it is a wild scene and it is unsafe what's the weather like at this time because it's never not freezing weather was nice it was

beautiful actually it didn't get dark till 11 p.m like it was like you we were talking about you could golf at like 10 30 at night because it's up north a little bit yeah and it was like 10 30 you could still find your golf ball 60 degrees or what are we talking during the day it was pretty toasty it was like 72 degrees all right summer but it's only like eight weeks of summer but they get it they get a summer uh-huh but I guess it's a huge meth problem and this is interesting they're natives they call them First Nation yes now we have Native Americans you just never see them they're fucking desolated drunk at a casino they're at a casino or you just they're not even around like Chris Rocks old joke right I see but Red Lobster in Canada you see them but they're all

begging for money and laying on the street so I'm like which one is worse right like gone or hidden theirs are like and then like you realize you're like boy they really got a tough fucking hand yeah dealt to them is my point they they deal with at the casinos that's true well I don't know about up there they at least ours got casino what are theirs good they might have casinos I think they got some reservations and stuff I mean I'm sure by the way I'm sweeping a broad asshole yeah I'm sure there's plenty of them I'm sure there's plenty of them that are doing great and yeah are they like ours with the feathers and the woo-woo and the arrow and the bow and the the buffalo I think they were them but that hasn't been it's been quite some time since

well that's so we show us the the photo of them that's how we know them I think at one point but I mean they're not hacking up buffalo and wearing the skin anymore I think they just have jobs or they do meth aha I think I don't know you know how you see like an African guy in traditional garb but he's got the fucking dashiki on with the pick and the fro and the beard do they have that guy you know why don't they have that guy Native American like hey I'm just I'm Reggie but I'm going to work and I just wear a headdress but that guy is from Africa like he's visiting oh they still wear that yeah I think so I don't think you don't just see like you know fucking Damien Lemons not walking around with obviously no but if he goes I'm going

traditional he will I suppose yeah but you know you see the guy in the 70s with the the fist and the the garb I think the garb people oh I know what you mean like some of the black panthers yeah yeah they go on their little traditional throwback I suppose so yeah like when I was a kid you had the Mardi Gras Indians which I'm sure is out of date now yeah but they guys are dressing full regalia I'm talking feathers and homocousins right the staff with the quiver but when I'm in the subway or in like Union Square I see a full garb guy I think that's just a guy that lived in Africa and then moved here aha I think or is visiting yeah I guess so it's not like I don't see like you assimilate I guess so like if that guy lived here we should be talking about this oh really

if that guy moved if they ever got moved here I feel like eventually to get some Jordans oh yeah yeah for sure yeah a lot of that happens but you know on when they have a holiday whatever the Hutu whatever it is yeah I feel like they would throw that shit on as a little uh traditional throwback remembering right right yeah so maybe the natives do that but these ones the one that I'm seeing they can't afford a headdress they got aha they got a point you know a cocktail dress for sunglasses I don't know I'm saying they wrap it around it's getting late in the day here I don't know we woke up at 6 a.m. to the gym I'm all cuckoo no nap by the way we really uh ran on fumes and we just hit the wall here yeah oh got the sets but I think I got one story left it's gonna really

cook us all right hit me baby how much time we got there where are we at Shelby we gotta be cutting down to the handle here getting up my ass five minutes perfect okay can you squeeze it I'll squeeze all right put it right in my ass cheeks so we uh I'm in Winnipeg and I'm walking around downtown and now usually the most cities downtown is where you go that's like the hot spot cool spot it's bustling it's the safe place well not in Winnipeg I go I'm gonna go walk around and and see the sights see the town and maybe you know meet some like-minded people aha and so I'm walking around and I'm walking about Albert Street which has a strip call on it called solid gold which I posted a photo of and five different people were like do not go in there you'll get third degree

gonorrhea oh wow it's crazy so I'm like now I'm interested sure never went in but I'm walking up the street it's 11 10 a.m. and I see a guy like a kind of a first nation guy and he looks scrawny like a methie guy and he's running across the street and he's like oh man no way man come on man he was running across the street towards kind of at me uh and so I switch into fight or flight and I was like I think I can handle this guy oh yeah he's skinnier than me and smaller and he looks like he's on drugs and then now he's like right where she'll be about five feet from me and he's like oh come on bro and I go I'm like I start to be kind of like what and then I notice there's a suv cruiser pulling up aha and it's a cop with the lights on so he saw him I thought he

was talking to me oh and the trooper gets out and he draws his um taser oh and he's like get the fuck on the ground get that and the guy's like I didn't do it but at one point for a moment I'm between the taser and the perp I had a taser pointed at me wow so I go oh I threw my hands up and I jogged forward I was like whoa whoa whoa and I just jogged uh up about you know 10 paces yeah because I had to and I look like a little fucking Mary because I did like a ah and like I kind of did like a tinkle toe don't taze me bro yeah it was a whole situation because I'm like I gotta get out of here so then I got up there and did a quick pivot and turn to see the scene and the guy was uh very um compliant sure he's like I didn't do shit I didn't do shit and you

know obviously he did and then multiple cruisers start pulling up from every angle so it's pretty exciting sure and then like the shopkeepers come out and they're looking and um I got a laugh well what was the laugh I don't know but I'll take it where I can get it yeah I think he farted that window would be a pretty good idea I think but that's neither here nor there I don't want to scare the locals ah First Nations ah so I turn around to watch and the guy's like all right I'm getting down I'm getting down the whole thing so I think you know he's like a drug guy I feel for these drug people because they're uh unfortunate souls they're they're addicted but they need the money so they probably I assume he stole or shoplifted or whatever so I sit there and I turn

I want a video because it's spicy oh yeah but I don't want to be the guy videotaping first of all I'm very uh empathetic and I feel bad videotaping this low moment in this guy's life so I'll just paint the picture and we'll make fun of him paint it taze it so like get in your stomach and he's like hands out to the side and you're watching the thing it's like cops you know he's got this hands out to the side and then he's like look the other way look the other way which I thought was weird you can't look at him yeah he had to turn his head and he's laying there yeah yeah so they but they had him like he was laying on his stomach facing the cop and he made him like turn his head the other way like like Kramer when he's getting the statue back the n-word uh so I watch this whole

thing and the cops keep looking over to see if I'm filming because I'm standing like 10 feet away yeah maybe 20 I gave it some space because I respect the police I'm a respectful guy and they got to do their job I understand they're dealing with fucking methodics sure I have sympathy for both sides can't be easy you got a disease and then you got a people are trying to stick in fucking whatever yep yep so they all come running over but the guys got the tasey kept looking over and I kept my hand I was like just doing this I'm like hey I'm cool bro and then at the last minute I kind of threw the thing up there and just did a quick swipe photo nice so I had to edit it where it's just like a little lay I'll put it on my Instagram I already put it on the Instagram it's

up there actually sorry it was in a series of ah things but anyways it's on there at Joe this comedy but they got them all cuffed and they pulled the hands back and then there was this is funny it's like a Canadian cop he's comes down this alley where the kid came from he goes hey does he have a back does he have his backpack and they're like no backpack he goes I got it right here like he pulled it out where you're like so you knew he didn't have a back yeah it's kind of weird I don't like these cups like he had it like behind his back where he's like I got it right here and I was like kind of douchey but yeah so he must have stolen or done something but it's a weird moment with the cops like that because then you just have to go all right yeah Joe's over and then you

just go on with your day that's true but it was the closest I've ever been to like a fucking cop gun badge driving over the curb situation it was pretty exciting wow man spicy what a taste yeah it was pretty cool but the guy like I said he was compliant so hopefully he's you know getting the healthy needs or whatever yeah what do you do you throw those guys in a halfway house or a meth house I don't know well it's tricky it's one of the things we have to deal with but that not to get serious that always to me is like the clear not the clearest but one of the clear things of racism in America at least is that the 80s you had the crack epidemic yeah yeah and it was like we got to lock these fucking animals up and now it's become this like well we have a mental

health crisis uh-huh we got to get them on the things and the clinic and now there's like ads that say like if you're doing crack do it with someone else you don't overdose whoa that's nice so definitely handling it a lot different now that it's uh whitey whitey yeah the fentanyl is sad where before it was scary yeah it was like a these these fucking idiots we got to get rid of them so uh but that's uh like to end on the more you know thing I'm sure I'll get shit for saying that ah you're fine I did 12 minutes on garb yeah but uh what do you got coming up you got you how about the canucks handle it better than we do I'll tell you that yeah probably well it's easier to handle things you know it's a lot of times we look at these countries you're like

Sweden and Norway everything's happy there but you're like you got eight million people can't have 35 million people we got 350 or whatever it is uh it's a lot trickier anyways big news yo we got a lot of Tuesdays in the UK and London and England and Wales and Northern Ireland and Scotland you guys are familiar with the United Kingdom UK yeah so I'm coming there finally booked to date soho theater dream come true August 30th August 31st one show each night so come from all around it's a small fucking island so if you live in Leeds or Liverpool or Manchester or your sister's ass take the train down come across the water wherever you are come see me I gotta it's a fucking door deal so I know that they're gonna go on a vacation to

Wales but soho theater is a lot of you tell all your friends August 30th August 31st soho theater in London I can't wait a summer night in London what how can you beat that and speaking of magical fun first-class cities Gotham Comedy Club July 12th and 13th and then get ready now it's early but December 13th and 14th we are in Santa Ana New Mexico together at the casino now I want to set it up like it's a festival you come there we'll meet and greet we're gonna do a live pod we're gonna co-headline go pack Joe said he's gonna nibble maybe coming down it's two nights Friday Saturday two nights Friday Saturday and we're gonna do a live podcast it's in Santa Ana New Mexico I've never even heard of this fucking place yeah we're not coming back but we'll play uh cowboys

in First Nations and we'll have some fun yes tase me we'll do some meth and uh come to that and then uh this weekend up at the Providence Comedy Connection Thursday Friday Saturday 27 28 29 come out to that and a bunch of other fun shit coming up Minneapolis is coming up Denver Comedy Works in August August is a big month a lot of fun shows so yeah hit me up comedian Joe List at Joe List Comedy on Twitter and Instagram I've also got a lot of fun stuff cooking uh coming out to Buffalo love buff helium then wise guys Salt Lake City you know I love that club I love those Jews out there in the Utah and Worcester Mass then we got the old Charlotte Comedy Zone just added Charlotte you always say when are you coming to Charlotte I love that room

Indianapolis helium and indie that'll be fun comedy works Denver love Denver Sacramento punchline let's enjoy the old sack Addison Improv at Dallas Tejas and uh a lot of good stuff after that Cap City in Austin love Austin let's really do it up in Austin Magnolia I got screwed last year was Halloween and the World Series I got railed uh Spokane and Tacoma we'd love to have you roar Comedy Club in Massachusetts Tampa in Tampa and that's the side splitter Santa Ana you heard about that Portland Comedy Club or Portland Oregon helium Comedy Club oh yes so that'll do it praise Allah blow your dad get some Ray Khan listen to laughable eat me out just got an email from Chris asking about New Mexico when to take it boy who will really listen

to this Jim and Sam business oh great uh we don't know until we'll figure it out I'll email my agent and find out yes December 13th and 14th we'll keep you updated but start making the plans now we got some time be there yes all right sorry ruin the momentum get on the patreon for god sakes yes and uh good up great up fuck your aunt in the asshole and see if she likes it and enjoy those blind spots window