Tuesdays with Stories! - #306 Take An Al

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

Hot doggie, we've got a hot one this week folks as Joe heads to an empty amusement park in Rhode Island before seeing the The Stones with Greg Stone, while Mark hits up Jim Norton's 4th of July party before hightailing it to the Comedy Cellar with some heavy hitters! Check it out! Sponsored by: Roman (getroman.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and full video eps! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy all right we're live here we're live from the Tuesdays with stories studios here in the East Village last episode ever at this brief home of ours at the Brazil studios I'll tell you what I'm gonna miss Brazil

he's a great guy he's a sweet guy yeah cute kid studios nice the apartment's great but the commute is killing me brutal commute horrible commute I I left an hour and a half early and I stopped a juice generation that was 12 minutes they really cunt it up over there it's 12 minutes and 12 bucks 12 bucks and I did this thing I hate to be a cunt of a cocksuck and cunt but I'm like can I do a customized oh they don't like that here's the thing here is the thing you gotta say no or sure you can't do the in between right I hate the but what is it tween the tween is yeah yeah we customize all right great can I

get the spinach blueberry banana and almond milk yeah yeah hey Jerry he wants a customized almond milk but what is it blue bear just so just say no yeah if you said no we don't do customize I'd go all right give me the pink faggot or whatever that's just got a lot of jizz in it I'm with you let me customize let me customize yes it's the same people that go I'll cab ride on me yes and then they go well I paid for the cab you're like well I have money you offered it's a very similar umbrella yeah it's a cunt umbrella it's a cunt Brella I would have taken the train a cunt Brella exactly that's a good title I wouldn't have

customized just say no and I'll go to the other place that does customize say customize your attitude about that making me feel like a cunt demise yeah I don't like it I'm with you do a whole thing and then I go ginger shot and they hand me the shot with the cayenne and the other shit to come yeah and I go I need just ginger they go ah and I'm like but that's what I ordered I don't know why you give me shit you did you fucked up I know well it's a couple things one any of these these people at the smoothie places are the last people to drink smoothies yes a couple of GD weirdos it's kind of like the guy driving the

horse and buggies the least romantic person on the planet oh good boy you know they're terrifying ex cons and whatnot so these smoothie folk there you think it's gonna be a hippie-dippy guy with dreadlocks and good vibes but it's some guy from the South Bronx with a bullet wound in his asshole now sometimes they're that guy sometimes asbury park there's a lady she's a funky lady with the thing the moon powder what do you what do you call that with the business the sticks on fire oh as incense yes an incest and she's got that going she's got a bunch of hoops and a gold thing she's like a spirit her

shoulders always hanging off she got a shoulder down love a dangle but was it was that a corporation no corp that's what I'm saying yeah mom and cunt yeah the corpse are just hiring any Tom Dick or Harry you gotta go to the fruity place where they have stones and crystals yes cuz these are juice generate the chains all these chains they got the you know the guy used to work at Subway but he got fired for fucking the bread or whatever yes so anyways I stopped for 10 minutes it took me an hour to get over here and thanks for pushing the time back I sure I drove back from Massachusetts today I

saw the stones last I'll get into that a little bit no Greg stone oh but I love that stone yeah good stone he's got a brother Joey stone Joey Gladstone no different guy I cut it out love Joey Gladstone he's a big director now what he directs fuller house ah and he posts like this big thing I'm directed full house like who gives the shit false things horrible comic oh yeah I don't want to trash comics go back to him but you should cut it out yeah yeah yeah yeah I got any wood he player whoo yeah that was pretty good that wasn't bad was that Shelby not bad no that was his Woody Woodpecker bullshit hedgehog groundhog

no he did some woodchuck woodchuck it was a wood yeah but was his name wasn't Woody that's a famous woodchuck got any ward or maybe it was a beaver what eats wood it might have been a beaver I like beaver I think it was a beaver what eats wood beavers eat wood I think it's a beaver then but I mean he says you got any ward and then the kids were like yeah yeah but I never thought about how a vagina is a beaver and you put your wood in it oh no don't eat the wood just you know take it in carry underwood oh what what that's like if she had under had a wood yeah they get the dress off it's not underwood yeah carry underwood carry

in the wood under there that'd be better if it was wood under though mmm it's not underwoods under the hood just throwing the wood over your eyes all right ah well I don't think I'd be that upset if I got home it was a really hot chick and she would be fine with it would you suck it or would you just play with it or would you fuck her in the ass what would you do there I think I'd suck it fuck yeah I think I'd suck on it for a day or two and well if you like it I don't know my nanny as a kid or now I guess housekeeper I don't know what you call it was a trans guy or a drag queen yeah I remember that and he got killed because

he was hooking up with a guy and the dick flopped out I heard that story yeah we need a stenographer to tell it like you know the idea for the Shelby head there should be like a little pop-up videos where it's like yes discussed in episode 48 yeah we can barely get a video up so the the bubbles are gonna be tough we're working on the video I mean this we got a lot of negative space in this video oh yeah we don't know what we're doing Shelby's he's not here he's incapacitated today Alex is all emotional back there he's been sobbing like a girl because he's losing his apartment yeah juice but the memories are what

matter it's the people Alex it's not the place places places whatever it's the place to be billiards but anyway I think we're going back to your house next week and I gotta say I'm pretty excited about oh yeah we'd love to have you well I mean we're in the studio the lunch stuff studios dude LSS can't wait it's tights quarters it's comfortable we got a couch in there I got running water but I miss I gotta be honest and Alex I don't want to hurt you yet your tits over there because I like being with you but this never felt like home oh it feels like a cool spot but it feels like cuz well we knew it was up we knew you're

kicking us out was gonna be over right right the clock was ticking it's a ticking clock it's like my previous girlfriend many years ago dating and I were banging I was all excited and thrilled and in love and she was like two days in she's like oh I'm moving oh really and I really like she won't move she's full of baloney and here we are you got boxes in here I thought he was full of shit yeah you put her stuffed her full of baloney I mean similar similar feelings where I was like yes so good we're so funny that he's not gonna move I was like I'm killing so hard with this dumb dame yep she's not gonna

move no but you know South America was calling and then she moved and people go to South America I don't know about that pee-rooh that's where I went Peru ah yes went to visitor that was good times anyways why'd you beat you I'm rambling no rambling me you're a rambling man that's wrong with a good ramble I'm always rambling I mean I have been rambling my friend I thought you meant clock was ticking like she had a she wanted to get you know girls always say hey the clock's ticking I gotta get prego I'm 49 here oh right no not that she wanted out I think here's the thing with the when you're young my looks

aren't enough to care when you get a girl that's you need a girl and you're late I've talked about this before a nice girl in her mid to late 30s they don't care about the bad teeth and the herpes they just want someone to hug them that's true they said said spinsters they call them you get one of these 22 year old dames with 0% body fat they're not gonna go for a guy with yellow teeth that are all jacked up no no no unless you're like a rock star yeah maybe I mean this yeah there's the guy from band of horses Ben whatever he's as ugly as my my mother on Halloween yeah but he's see I think he does well

really you know what's interesting is you see a lot of hot rock and roll lead singers mm-hmm and so do you think do you think they make it cuz they're hot or do a hot guys get into that was it the chicken of the anal well I think the but the best ones are not so any better it was very hot and very good good ugly as sin the Jagger became ugly Freddie Mercury's ugly no questions about it I don't know if he's ugly are you kidding he's got joke shop teeth that's true he's got some novelty chompers but I feel like we got to ask a whore here well or a gay oh I mean I got a gay whore Alex what do you think yeah

you're a half way oh I already feel like oh he doesn't know Freddie Mercury I think is ugly but he's so damn sexy he's powerful and he's got the but because he's singing yeah I guess so David Lee Roth is he hot I mean he's a weird looking guy is actual rose hot he's a good looking guy rose is hot what I'm tell Roth is gross rose hot that's anti-semitic oh I think they're both heaps axle rose is not a heaps from Indiana there's no he's okay okay take care of that that that who else is a hot singer Jim Morrison was hot Paul McCartney hot well he's cute he's cute but hold on there's some hunks

up Nirvana guys good Kurt Cobain is hot all right people don't realize he's hot because it was all like bad but he was hot oh what's the guy who killed himself Chris Cornell Kurt Cobain oh Cornell yeah he's sexy but I don't know if you but you got to take away the singing is he regular people I think he I think we need the the twats to call in on this they're saying yeah I call in your twats please no one's calling we need to know what gets you dripping London calling he's not so hot he's a hideous ghoul we got that we talked about that yeah you pay attention out there is why you're losing the apartment that's why

we're leaving it's literally called a sound booth um it's a decent booth they're in there chatting by the way you can't bring a face like I'm bringing a big fan to watch the show they're in there fucking pushing each other into the bushes it's like about murder she wrote come on murder she wrote why Clef is he hot was that Mike Clef I assume every knee grow is hot oh I assume I assume all the blacks are sexy all right yeah this stuff's and sexy about them yes some ugly ones though I want to name names I'm seeing a lot of fat ugly still say that Bismarck he is is a real gargoyle oh is he man he's a trocious looking

well he's got what I need yeah help baby you um well this is fun yeah I haven't seen you since 1974 but I can't even look in the eye I'm nervous well that's nothing new too long well I'm down this is my first foray back into comedy I got my toes wet right now all right and I've been off the grid yeah your main man what's that oh man man I see man with a guy with a goo Jerry with an eye I don't want to be a cowboy but so anyway yeah I've been gone I went to profit and I've been gone for like 10 days yeah and I mean how I when I was in May and I went out Jerry off the grid they say I turned the phone off and just

wasn't doing anything and you're glowing am I glowing you got a glow I'd like to go I ate a lot of shit the reflux is is back damn it I had it I had the thing licked and I went on vacation my family you know they're heavy boozy fucking boozers oh yeah drunks and it's a wild scene out there and everyone's drinking and barbecuing and that's what I had before I just pound coax and I'm like something's got to give there's nothing healthy at a bbq no no no well I had I was doing okay with the smoothies and the business and some fit there's a lot of good fish up there so I was eating some fish but then day three I was like

I'll get an ice cream I'm gonna get so I had a double scoop of ice cream then the next day I had a double scoop of ice cream then I had a burger I had a hot dog I had some fries and now I'm just back I'm back to having all kinds of flexi bullshit yeah pulls in my throat and blood in my ass so it's a real it feels like a real setback oh yeah but it's not out you're not out of the woods you can still get it back on there the fuck train no not into the woods out of the woods is what I felt like I thought I was out of the woods now I'm back into the back in the wood you want to be out of the woods are bad got it

people get raped in the woods player we're like a rape to everywhere at colleges sure sure the park that's kind of woodsy though yeah the park is woods depends on the park Fenway Park no woods good point and amusement park definitely no wood I spent some time in an amusement park alright words got any um well I don't know where to start here well give me some man I mean I got I got some I got a bunch of city stuff I see well I started off in a city draw we're on up to Providence two Thursdays it was gonna be five Thursdays ago but time these knuckleheads here this oh yeah but I went up to the Providence

comedy connection Sarah and I took the train up there always a nightmare the worst boarding process in the history of any vehicle you think Penn Station oh yeah yeah it's a bottleneck they just go like that if you've never been we've probably talked about it a bunch this is how it works you stand there there's 5,000 people and a guy goes on quietly and goes 182 to Boston right now boarding on track 14 and everyone goes 14 it's like you hear run run Rudolph and everyone's screaming down there and they fall down the stairs and everyone's pushing and shoving it's a whole thing and if you buy yourself it's not so bad

because I'm a solo I'm just go I'm on an aisle seat anyways your Han Solo so I just get a nice eye when you're with your wife you want to sit with your wife whatever reason and you go all right yeah so eventually I had to we had to sit in separate seats it was so packed don't you hate that the split up is tough when you had the come to that realization you gotta go all right I'm going here you gotta go there and we end up in the choir coach you and I had and we found two seats together we were fucking punching each other and talking about whatever yeah yeah some guy like gave us the tap yeah car tap oh very

emasculating yeah and you're like all right we'll just whisper but that's not gonna happen now but then there's always always that come guzzler who's in the back going tink tink tink tink tink tink tink he's playing the slot machines on the iPad and that was his name hey how they're talking about what is that Asian quick they don't even know what I'm talking about it's like hecklers yeah exactly we don't have an audience they're fucking but anyway so we took the train up the Providence fun shows up in Providence love the Providence comedy connection a couple gays came out nice not a ton but I love a gay which was nice

and then we went and we rented a car Saturday and two years in a row last year Saturday night went up for the main vacation 4th of July we did Montreal mmm then we drove across Quebec for on New Hampshire camped out by like Sebego Lake or Lake Sebego whatever the fuck mmm this year we did Providence comedy connection drove up we got a camping spot old Orchard Beach KOA which is if you're gonna camp go KOA KOA it's Camping of America with a K oh started in 1962 big corporation also with a K aha and a woman runs it now oh rock let a rock I don't know I gotta assume you got to with camping yeah so it's a big

corporation but they really they check out the place because some corporate you bad you don't want to go Burger King it's a corporation but KOA you got to go camping you got to go because you don't want to be a griswold with the brown water there's a there's a fucking wolf dog in the shed sure it's the KOA is a okay but mm-hmm it's a weird what do you call that a juxtaposition okay or oxymor I'm not sure where you headed well because it's the man the corporate man but then it's the woods you know it's nature but yeah man and it's teenagers running it you go there it's a bunch of 14 year olds weird and

all I could think is these guys are all they're having the time of their lives I don't even know if they know how special this is now they don't know they're running it all summer they're all finger fucking it's so exciting it's like a 12 year old girl we drive all the way up to that beautiful rival first of all let me backtrack a little bit backtrack the Sunday after the comedy connection June 30th 2019 maybe the best day of my whole life oh come on now it's not gonna be a great story but I want to just share the joy yes we want the love here's the joy so Sarah she sleeps in a little more than me I've been waking up early and

getting after it and I decide I've been going to a lot this is I don't want to break traditions but I've got a lot of meetings I'm a somewhat actively sober guy sure people get upset if you talk about this shit clan yeah clan meeting all right Indiana uh-huh so I go I'm gonna get up early and go get one in before I leave get some spirituality really feel good about myself on the grounds in the camp no I haven't left yet I'm picturing a tent with a pan and enough torch but they got some of those things too they got all kinds of kooky stuff these these folks can find alcoholic anywhere oh certainly

sometimes right when you know you don't know who you have those posters these have those old posters are these are alcoholics it would be like random people it's supposed to be an anonymous like a guy with a stethoscope and like a TP hat native Americans what do they call with the business though head dress oh headdress yeah yeah there's a lot of drunk native American it's a problem with the the Hutus and the Ponchos and the Cherokee well they got a bad deal yeah yeah I heard about that they got a casino that's a good deal few casinos but it seemed rough yeah they're the only group that got something

I feel like other groups got fucked like Germany never gave the Jews a string of you know water parks that's a good point I have a point but they acquired stuff on their own well yeah they're a you know a shifty bunch what do you call that resilient resilient very resilient yes not to say the native Americans aren't resilient they've made pelts and tomahawks out of nothing yeah I don't know nothing about anything and I think that's clear wigwam Liz Warren yes well anyway so I wake up I go over to the chair I get I get some I started off nice with a little experience strength and hope and I left there feeling good yeah

I heard some good people I went yeah I really I love it I felt like a hundred bucks I jumped in the car I tell Sarah all right you be ready yeah I'll come scoop you mm-hmm don't you love a good scoop I love scooping a lady is the best great lady scoop so I scoop over she's ready she's got her coffee I scoop her we jump in the highway we got nothing to do we're just heading up to old Orchard Beach which is a view highly recommend old Orchard Beach if you're within the sound of my voice they call it oob oob old Orchard Beach you're an oob man I wish it was a big old Orchard Beach you have boob sure like the calculator exactly

boobs up yes boobless you could do to boobless that's right that was fun breast cancer show it to some asshole in your grade whose tits hadn't come in yet yeah it's always fun fat kid or lady yeah but now this is main old Orchard Beach is man but we're driving up and I got nothing to do I don't know where to eat where do we eat maybe here maybe I was like maybe we're driving by a cheesecake factory we had had I like a cheesecake factory from stuck in a city mm-hmm like Providence I'm like we're here let's just go it's across the street I love here and they got the fitness menu what is it the Lady Park

skinny lishes skinny lishes yeah so we go I go let's skip that then I'm we're driving I go ooh newberry port Massachusetts now this is a grand old town another town I highly recommend so I go let's just pop in we got nothing to do sure pop I love a nothing to do cruise it's sad I listen to toons beautiful weather the whole thing we go to newberry port and there's some farmland then you come up to like the ocean town it's one of these like kitschy stores a lot of kit this way I found the juice place with the moons and the yes yes the incense so I go in there I fucked my cousin and get a smoothie and we walk

around and now all of a sudden the sky is threatening that's a great photo a little gray dark gray the cut Brella yes and it's a low dark gray and I go that's about storm see a restaurant called the grog old restaurant real beauty I go let's go into the grog hopefully we'll order our food wait it out ah we sit down the lady goes we got the best seat in the house right here if you want it I go I want it two seats right in the window places family-owned and operate since 1952 I get a piece of fish a haddock she gets some bullshit there's some hot bread that I go yep bread and butter they go we do it's in

the oven right now they bring our hot bread and butter I'm putting and the butter is all melty melty butter hot bread I'm eating hot bread melty butter I got a piece of fish the rain comes right when we sit out and this hail like golf balls oh golf ball hail it's pelting the cars we're eating it's romantic we kiss the whole thing whoo rain stops right as we finish our meal I pay for the meal we walk out now the streets are empty nobody's around cuz the clouds have sent everybody on their gay way good point now we walk around we get some coffee we shake our tails we get back in the car go we

better get to hold or should be tube so Uber so we drive up there now we roll into the KOA which is just beautiful we check in it's the 14-year-old girl her tits haven't come in yet she goes yeah well you want some wood I go yeah give me two sets of wood she's boobless word so I go where do I get the wood she goes there's someone waiting out there for you with the wood I look out there's a pimply old 13-year-old virgin right he's sitting next to my wife at a golf cart he's got the wood it's a bunch of hymens over here oh yeah so he leads well no Jews but he leads us to our little camp he goes this is you we

unstacks the wood I go thanks for the wood you asshole I give him two bucks send them on his way he probably had wood knowing the 13-year-old oh you can't not have wood when you're 13 wet dream so he leaves I start up the fire we we snuggle up we're like a little cabin we upgraded from a tent to a cabin got a nice cabin we sit around the fire the the the stars are all lit up and juicy log it's a log cabin that's kind of cabin oh wait I skipped ahead a little he skipped so before the fire we sit there we put the fire where we check in I go let's go for a ride because there's still a lot of daylight let's go cruise

around a little bit nice we cruise down to the beach and there's an amusement park it's a fucking springsteen song the amusement park is rising bold and stark and right by the beach and now once again it had just rained so nobody's in town because it's a rainy day right the rain parts we walk on the beach where the only ones there we go to the amusement park and here's a great setup the amusement park there's not an admission fee you just buy tickets and each ride takes tickets aha so I buy a book of tickets it's like 50 tickets the roller coasters five tickets each that's old school the whirlpool or the tilt the

world for tickets aha so you can ride a roller coaster walk over the beach get in the ocean walk back get back on the roller coaster and I'm talking when I say nobody's here I mean nobody's here this may be 40 people total it's a ghost amusement park at an amusement park 40 people wow so we go in we got put it on Instagram where the front row on the rollercoaster the only ones huh twice twice no one else is on there we're holding each other's hands going I'm so nervous riding the roller coaster is it old and rickety it's a class it was called the sea viper damn and it was fun let me try the bags like you gotta try

the back the back is different they think it's a myth but no myth no myth the backs of different rides get the tail whip and the tail whoosh yes so we're whipping and whooshin whipping whoosh and we're having a great time and then I get nauseous I run this we went from the roller coaster twice to the tilt the world oh yeah then we went to the pirate ship that rocks yeah again I only went on all of these rides legitimately look at that and so then on the pirate ship I go I got damn getting pretty nauseous she's like I'm so glad you said that I want to throw up yeah heads pounding we're getting old yes so we had to sit

and like gain the ground you know just kind of sit we played a couple games air hockey hey I love air hockey she won one I won one was nice yeah let's do it even one one perfect way to keep your relationship intact eaten by a girl well there's a lot of own goals in air hockey oh I hear you get a little wacky with that arm well you hit it it bounces back it slips back I mean like half the goals are own goals on goob almost oh oh gee ah but anyways then we went back to the campground and there's probably more I'm forgetting because it was so spicy this is beautiful that guy you took that little joy ride great joy ride we went

back to the camp we sat under the stars we sat by the fire and then the next day had to go meet up with the family which is also great but I'm hogging you go but what a great day I highly recommend Newberry Port Old Orchard Beach but what what a great day the next morning we went back there before I was like before we go let's go back we had more tickets mm-hmm so it's like let's go back to we rode the roller coaster again whoo once again the only ones there because we waited it opens at noon the beach was packed the next day I went into the ocean swam in the ocean came out air dried rode the roller coaster

again played air hockey one more time we hit the bricks wow that's time in my life I hate to be a douchey skank but did you get any footage or video or that's funny you say that I got all kinds of video I got a whole thing in my head I got a boob in my head but I want to see it I got so I got crazy I'll show you another time or when we're off done recording but I'm actually I'm I used to do these Sarah used to do a nice sort of doing these video travel law almost like Amy did on the tour I'm putting together so I took a ton of footage not even to post them just to have on my own yeah photos are great but how fun to be like

oh that was the day we were here here here and here yes it's a scrapbook here there there but you go I'm gay that was a long time I just spent talking well go up there if you get the means I want to go and you know it's nice because it's the opposite of New York there's no people it's cheap it's quiet everything's kind of humble and homely you're in a cabin you're in a shitty rickety roller coaster and it's a classic beach strip it's like french fries I couldn't have any of them but whatever pizza fried dough the carnival it's a great spot I love that it's old America it's old Orchard Beach yes

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thing in New York in the comedy world because everybody goes you gonna chase thing gosh yeah I think it right it's a you gonna Norton's adding invited or you know there's a lot of like oh I didn't get a bite of that you got to that you know yeah that's weird I didn't get invited any of those oh shit well you were out I was but they don't check the end they don't know I'm out I got a big Jay invite but Jake and go far I'm a josteman oh wow you heard it here first folks well not really I know I know so Jim Norton's having a party and the one of the cool things about these parties is you get to see how these people live

Norton's a millionaire he's on the radio he's been doing comedy for 78 years so he's like hey coming to my penthouse penthouse penthouse forum yes that's perverse so it's all almost came out the address but he gives you the whole tweet and the text like here this is the time this is what you can bring this is who's gonna be there and I show up penthouse east side that's all I'll say girl believable we're talking upper lower middle what that means neighborhood all right all right all right just to say the whole thing's upper the upper echelon

is what I mean I got a you've seen my the lunch stuff studios is about the size of a virgin's asshole yeah this thing is like giant walled a ceiling floor the ceilings up to my ass the there's a wrap around what do you call that couch no no no porch outdoor deck deck but it's patio patio okay yes there's an outdoor patio goes around the whole thing the views are insanity this place was lunch he's got a crazy spread the barbecue with the mac and cheese all those chafing dish you know I love a chafing dish what's a chafing dish you know those those silver dishes with the flame at the bottom he's got a full

bar everybody's over there Maril Keith and Marina and Phil Hanley and Rich Voss and Bobby Kelly and Kenny club soda Kenny oh wow everybody's telling stories and the whole serious crew is there and the snacks and desserts and you can sit on the patio and just look at the view and it goes right he's got a hot tub out there wow describe how amazing this apartment was it's like he seems like a very modest twink you know a lot of stuff yeah yeah no he's half a fag but he's got a whole apartment a lot of Aussie business around a lot of weird old fight things yeah Shriner he's got you know he's got taxi drivers signed by

De Niro he's got a lot of those photos yeah he's a big memorabilia twat and man was that place unreal and I'm so honored I got to go cuz just to see that and then you think about all the skanks and trannies he's bald up there it's a very exciting big TV everybody's got big TV big TV big couch huge so so yeah that plate I can't imagine walking in there every day I would never get used to it it's you've seen my apartment I've seen yours yeah so this is like 30 times that and just one of the elevator the elevator goes into it you know I'm always afraid Clemenza is gonna be standing there shooting me he had a horse a whore in

his bed all right so but it's just one of those things we're like we're doing pretty well huh we're doing the road we're on TV we're gay and then you see that you're like oh we got a way to go because it's on TV yeah not yet so that was just fun hanging out with it's fun to see all the comics in the day you know they look a little different it's almost like seeing your teacher out of school yeah you've never seen their legs yes it's weird seeing comedians legs a lot of knees they're not pretty no knees are ugly so you know the the city is kind of empty during the fourth everybody goes to the beach they go to oob but they go

all over creation so the whole town is as a is kind of gone so you kind of have the city and it feels good so you're kind of when people start leaving you feel more freedom you're like I'm gonna just start I'm gonna have a beer at noon and that's what freedom is all about I mean the fourth of July is all about yeah point yeah so the next day big J has a barbecue and his barbecue starts like one and goes all night so I just start day drinking I do a thing now and call me old man homo but I just grab a brown bag put a couple beers and I just go to the park and sit there and drink them oh yeah that was one of my great thrills in

life the Washington Square Park you got the douche on the piano there's a guy blowing bubbles there's a black guy doing backflips and a guy covered in pigeon shit you know you can do so much to see and the fart guy yeah the fart guy Howard Stern so just had a few beers go to big J's big J's is poppin Michael Chey is over there and Justin Silver and Joe DeRosa move back to the city and yeah yikes that's where that great cloud is here Sal Volcano's over there it's just a good old-time Shane Gillis and we're all drinking and Joe is putting them back so now they're the fireworks we're on the roof and the

fireworks have popped and everybody's just in good spirits and drinking spirits and having a great time and then I go what time is it and I'm like I'm hammered and somebody goes about 10 30 and I go I look at my phone calendar I have a spot at the seller I forgot oh boy seller spot at 11 30 it's 10 30 now and I go oh we're all sitting on the roof talking having a great time and I go I got a seller said I got a shape up what was I thinking they all go what are you crazy why would you put in for that I go I suck and so then Chey goes fuck it let's all go with you alright wall just go on stage and I'm like I don't know I'm not

famous and he's like I'll go up there and with you and I'm like alright fuck it so he gets a big old what do you call those big blacks those big Ubers limos yeah I guess a limo but an Uber and you know it's nice to get the water at the guy gets out and opens your door it's a whole nother world wow so change sends it's all down to the seller DeRosa falls asleep so he's out and we all go down there like Becky and a couple other people and we get to the seller and they're like geez all right we didn't think you'd show up I go on the huge show yeah Chey just walks on so now it's being Chey ball busting on the on the

stage no one knows who I am it's kind of fun he's getting all the laughs I'm bombing and then I don't know where a tell walks on so now I'm chopping it up with David tell and Michael Chey and I'm just like man what a great life I'm having the bag I'm wearing a comedy seller t-shirt which is embarrassing how that's fun I didn't think it through it's kitschy it's kitschy I'll look and yeah so just had a great time got some laughs in there which feels good and then we leave great great hang drink all night after that we go out all night drink until four in the morning I go to bed I wake the alarm 8 a.m. got a flight this is

the problem with booze I've kind of got my life together and got a little healthier and cut back on the sauce sure and then you get you get that taste of it we just you're drunk for three days uh-huh so I had to hide like snap out of it I had a huge panic attack and like a meltdown like what are you doing get your shit together you're gonna miss a flight so I just jump I throw a bunch of built dildos and shit in a bag I go to Newark I go to Buffalo and I'm so hung over like I'm on the plane twitching and shaking and I'm foaming at the mouth get the Buffalo I bombed two shows tough

night tough night but Buffalo such a good club it's a great club but again it's fourth weekend uh-huh and it's beautiful out so no one's going there right it's it's a it's a blizzard town it's like an arctic north the weight great white way over there and then by the time I show up it's beautiful so always going to sit in a shitty room tough weekend to work yeah yeah especially when the fourth is on a Thursday that's true yeah fifth and sixth good point yeah so they're all on steam boats and scooters and rafts and you know each other and so had some had some rough sets and plus I'm hung over so I'm sweating up

there I'm not I'm trying to remember the new stuff and it's not going great Sean Murphy was opening he's a killer he did great then I had to follow him killing some Tuesdays came out thanks for the gaze alright gaze Buffalo gaze so then I come back to the first show I'm like whoa that was tough I got beat up out there I suck I gotta get some make some changes I go back in the green room my phone is just like you know all kinds of shit and I go what the hell is this about and I see I open the first text Jacob it's serious no the guy on the bonfire of course Jewish squirrely guy yeah and he goes Seinfeld just

mentioned you on the Mets and I go huh what does that mean so then I look at the next one Seinfeld talking about you Seinfeld just give me a shout out you gotta shout out by side ah you know Roland everybody Andy Fiori all these people just like boom Sean Donnelly boom boom boom one after another like what the hell so one guy happened to send me the video so we watched the video in the green room and we're like all the cops a job hung over I can't believe it I'm flipping out so the place goes nuts the managers flipping out we show everybody it's all crazy is this between shows at the end of the night between

shows oh my god so I'm hung over I'm sweating I'm gay the next show starts I'm beaming baby I got a whole new pet my step we have a fun show a good set I get out of there I'm like I can't believe it I put the fucking set on or the tape on Instagram and then I get some more love there and I can't tell you how much Tuesday love I got how much you saw it you're like this is insane you know salvo cano and Bill Burr retweeted it and all these people Burke Christ your posted about it unreal it's gonna be the same because my thing was blowing up yeah I hope every time I would go to my Twitter which is not that frequently I

think the end of the day I would go and it said like 20 plus every time I went on 20 plus notifications because I'm he tagged whoever posted the first one right funk fuck how's there yeah that way funky yes and I retreated that one but he tagged me so every response favorite thing was coming to me and I was like yeah I was like this is the most viral thing I've ever had in my life exactly but it was insane cuz I started it was like 12 30 o'clock in the 12 30 o'clock that's something you say not in America I don't think so now maybe an Asian well I was that's how thrown off I was 12 30 o'clock in the morning and

like I said I was trying to avoid everything and I started pop up a few times and I was like well what's this all about I just saw people with heads that you can't even tell it's Jerry because the thing yes yes exactly but I'm like someone's like this is a huge moment for the Tuesdays and for Mark I'm like what the fuck is this yeah I didn't even know it was Jerry right I just saw three dicks with headphones on yes turned it on and blew my mind I was blown blown and it feels not real like I was saying it Neil Rubenstein made a thing where it's him on Jeopardy and he's saying Tuesdays with stories and Alex Trebek is like

correct yes that I was like blew my mind that was very well done Neil yes appreciated lunch but I thought it was like that I thought someone like yeah pulled a Jerry video was like I think Mark Norman's great and I why I was like this is fucking crazy I went downstairs I had said good night yes I came back down I was like you guys got to watch this because my family knows who you are because of the podcast hopefully they're never listening because oh god got my family but 300 times sorry Deborah but anyways I played it for them and you know of course they're like neat that's crazy sounds like my parents and

unbelievable it was just like a mind-blowing thing I texted you I texted Sam I retweeted I was like this is insane but then the next day we're driving back and all day it was just booming and zooming booming and zooming yeah so that showbiz and you never know it and let me just go sappy douche come guzzling I met the guy we had a big to-do about it on the episode I went on Jim and Sam talked about I've talked about every single human being I've ever met about how I met Seinfeld and got his number and we've been texting and I've been blowing it with the texting and I said I'm jonesen for a hang and

everybody made fun of me at the Jim Norton birthday bar barbecue America's birthday Chris the teacher made a ice cream cake called jonesen for that hang right he was at the party yeah wow I guess he's in with Norton should we be inviting fans to our homes no probably not doesn't feel like he's he seems like a sane dude oh great guy sweet is by how we say hello but but I know what you mean I was shocked to see fans there because he's sometimes you don't want to cross that line no but either way he wasn't let go pack Joe in my house if he paid me I would let go back in no Ari convinced me he's a creep oh really

well no I'm kidding of course I'm just saying I couldn't tell I'm afraid I'm not I don't have that sense of humor I get it Ari's like it's fun I call him a piece of shit he's a good guy he's a sweet sweet ass sweet guy alright so Chris teacher made a jonesen for a hang and everybody's laughing at it it's a good time and so it became a thing like you blew it you texted him too much you sucked his dick you freaked him out and so it's been this whole thing in my life and I'm like hey just the fact that I met the guy and hung out with the guy as a whole thing sure couple days go by me Sean Donnelly and Andy Fiori do a

podcast all about Seinfeld the TV show we did the quotes the whole thing and then Friday was the 30th anniversary of the show starting then the episode that me and Sean Donnelly and Andy Fiori did came out that day and then that night he gave me the shout out it felt like it all kind of amalgamated into that day clinked clinked it really clinked it clinked and it clicked and it clocked at 12 12 30 o'clock so the whole thing was amazing and I couldn't believe it I showed my parents they were a lackluster and but here's the fun thing is you go I go back to my hotel room and I go I'm not gonna take I'm gonna take it easy

tonight this is a like a little wake-up call you've been drinking for seven days straight just relax go home tonight and I just watched it about 758 times yeah hard not to yeah and this is when I thought I was on the outs with the guy because I've been texting right and these are horrible calculated texts I even texted a few more times I didn't let people in on and he never responded and I was like all right well I had my fun I blew it it's like a supermodel she she said she thought I was cute and I took a shit on her porch and blew it she saw you picking her nose yeah exactly it wasn't I was no penetration so so then

to get that and then I texted him after I can't thank you enough you don't know what that means to me and he wrote back well I'm not gonna say what he wrote don't say and now I'm doing it again you've said enough he said another the videos out there for and here's the thing you can't ever take it away that yes there's no taking away interesting good point he knew the the the the the fuck I couldn't think of the right where you get Parkinson's no something the gooks would compensate it take it away remember that scene yeah quoting quoting that's a quote so yeah so it was a

beautiful thing and then here's the the beauty of a show business is I go well tomorrow it's gonna sell out I'm a made man I'm Seinfeld's guy yeah I'm in Buffalo we had some okay shows but tomorrow this is this pop to get the whole day of people watching it I'm getting a ton of tweets getting a ton of Instagram ton of this here it comes baby here comes the flood here comes the judge here comes the judge and then lightest numbers they've had in years I mean well it's the 6th of July I know I know but I thought that would give me a bump you know Buffalo's going come out and see Seinfeld's favorite car but I'm

like this is really gonna cook now but eventually it'll it'll grow it moves it viralizes it'll be something maybe I'll tell you what happened on my Twitter though the next day you know you go to like the search thing oh yeah and it said Mark Norman had a bunch of tweets about you is that right popped up in my algorithm I'll take an hour you got an algorithm I like a real I got no rhythm that's big the rhythm is gonna get you I'll go rhythm I'll go music who could I'll go nothing to boo yeah door could ask for anything door or oh yeah that bad climate change yeah it's a myth so yeah just a great great weekend and one

of those little things you get you get in life and you got a jizz on it and eat it on a crack or cherish it very very special surreal yes unbelievable sir real huh surreal surreal sir mix a lot yes sir Isaac Newton oh is he a sir he's a sir all right there's also a dame oh Judy dence that's right that's the only dame anybody knows interesting no one like the dame is a bad term now oh hey hey take it easy yeah but dame is a royalty almost but yeah there it is royalty I think point something yeah dame there's gonna be another dame I can't street but dame yeah I think you got to be a Brit dame cook yeah great dame

yeah Alex's friend hate us dame and see it on him stick fans at all well we got to wrap this thing up at some point huh now I think what's early oh like what how long are we on here 45 but he's got to go to dinner so we'll wrap up a little early but what's that you said oh we got 10 minutes let me tell you this because I'm trying to do this is a bit I don't know if it'll work outside of anywhere but this happened in Providence I met the CVS in downtown Providence it's a real shithole sure CVS particularly like it's like one of those flat carpets it's like kind of half carpet half cement floor oh yeah

it's just a shitty CVS and there's a guy looking at greeting cards and he opens one reads it shakes his head close it goes cock sucker and puts it back he's leading a good not says cock sucker I'm like is it that was it the price was it the poem I wanted to follow him around for a day yeah it was a gay marriage card that's what I was thinking but I was talking to Sam about it I'm like I like the idea of someone who's that angry but still thoughtful enough to get a card oh that's good that's pretty funny that's good like his wife is like he remember the anniversary he's like yeah your cock sucker is your card your piece

of shit maybe he just got divorced or something it was a marriage card maybe but he picked it up like he was like let me check out this card he read it and was so mad that he said cock sucker I like trying to find a card interesting and he's yelling cock sucker but it felt very New England to me yeah oh yeah people just walking around vocally yelling cock sucker in public you know what's weird about cock sucker is Alec Baldwin said that to a reporter he's like get out of your cock sucker and he got called a homophobe which I thought was strange because doesn't mean I'm sure he likes getting his cock sucked yeah but calling

a guy a cocks are I that doesn't mean homophobia to me well you're calling him gay you're calling him a guy that sucks cock is gay and you're causing calling him that negatively yeah so you're saying you're as bad as a guy that sucks cock all right so I see but if so but also it's a bunch of malarkey he's just saying he's obviously just saying a fucking swear word yeah yeah but if a gay guy said hey snatch eater right would you go this guy hates straight people no because well it's different you see how it's different you see because of the history yeah well history because you're saying you suck

because you suck cock if he I guess he was saying you suck because you eat pussy I guess that would be yeah I guess it would be hetero okay okay well as long as we're on the same cock sucking page yeah I guess so I guess that would be hetero phobic hetero that's not you got something I have something yes I have AIDS I got herpes that's been touched on before but that's true oh what else was there old orchard I mean I had so much I went to the stones last we gotta talk about the Jag yeah big Jag yes Jag a little pill well I went there and there was some fun first of all once again if you're within the sound of my

voice we've talked about it we talk about it and we talk about it if you go to a show put your fucking phone up your ass stop with the phones and put it on vibrate and we talk about everyone I've said this before and I've said a bunch everyone talks about the generation all these young people in their phones these millennial it's always people in their fucking 60s as well I was there with my uncle Greg my old man and canter it's our little concert group yeah a few Pearl Jam shows together and Jay Giles and your mother's cunt and the whole thing sure so we're there at Gillette Stadium we get there we uber in which was

really fun and I saw that big Al Alvin David came over big Al he was all decked out he's got a stone shirt no sleeves and a fucking headband I love it he looks like a warriors hairs all cookies all banged up he's got two beers he's all high he comes running over big hug yeah you know my girl the whole thing we're all bullshitting and that's time for the opener come on Gary Clark Jr. who fucking rips that guy very good and so he Alan goes to his seat he's up in the nosebleeds we have there's all nosebleedy in a stadium by the way all of it not all of course is the front row yeah but for the most part you're up in a

stadium the bands I fucking the size of my cock the whole thing well with Gillette I've had a few chinbleeds all right give me a Kleenex on that one okay they like that one oh we're even sweating our asses off they haven't even smiled or stopped talking but they like chinbleed well I caught them at the right moment caught them at the right moment I hope I don't know geez last episode ever in the house all right so we're in we're in the stones where am I you're in the nosebleed so we sit there and then the group comes in front of us and really man I just say they're they're New Yorkers they're like a giant

because they Nick Jagger comes out he's like home of the Super Bowl champions six championships and they're doing like the 18 and one you're fucking blah blah blah New York assholes I want to get into it you're like well we've won six you piece of shit yeah mooks anyways so they start the show starts start me up and the guy in front is immediately starts videoing he's videoing every single song I mean every song the whole thing whole show and my uncle Greg's the best he starts taking his beer and putting his finger in it and then just flicking it on the guy's bald head and he's doing it like a good good period

every once in a while just give him a good flick yeah he goes well I'm gonna say something so we're like 12 songs in he goes let me ask you guys first of all we kept leaning in and singing into his camera was fine we're going yeah honking dog woman yeah because I wanted the video to have shitty ass yes me being the shitty asshole I have my own shitty asshole so we're yelling in there he's flicking beer on him it's fun and it's all subtle enough that the guy doesn't really notice so finally Greg just leans in goes are you gonna film the whole show oh wow the guy goes no why and Greg goes why just don't know how you can

enjoy the show watching it through a camera it's not like he's holding it at chest level up here he's watching through the video wow it's that he stops for a minute then he starts back up again and then every time it would end everyone would just keep going great video what a video nice video and now it's fucking up because now I'm ruining the show I'm missing the show right of course I'm mad at him I scan over his buddy is watching a soccer match it's the rolling stones wow and as your friend Jerry said how fucking big do you have to get exactly stone he's watching soccer of all things wow the most boring sport and

soccer is not a sport you check in on no you watch you watch you know why it's not like hockey where you're like all right let me it's this five minutes left right or baseball you're like it's the ninth inning I gotta it's suck it's like it's minute 12 through minute 18 yeah it's like neutral zone passes I'm like the fucking stones are playing this is a 60 year old guy wow and then he starts video in the show and they're both video I'm like why doesn't one of you video and just mail it to the other guy or whatever you do email they're never gonna watch it again either what are they gonna do with it that's what Greg say

he's like who the fuck's gonna watch this video because now it's getting tense and the guy's like the people that couldn't make it and I'm like well they're shitty friends wouldn't you rather go the show is great they play this song this song this song or by the fucking DVD you fucking chuch also if you went to the stone show and you guys you got to see this I don't want to watch the fucking stone yeah yeah I don't see that shit it's like you're sending me here's the video of Norton's party oh I can't wait I want to see Chris the teacher's cake yes photo maybe send me a photo all these are our seats that was

crazy take a photo what tell me the story yeah I don't hear brown-eyed sugar or whatever the brown sugar off a phone I'd rather eat brown sugar with my balls on fire sugar diabetic I hope his foot falls off this piece of shit and so that I just wanted to fist fight I want to take his phone and punt it over the fucking goalpost yeah and then the show ads he just leaves immediately I'm like yeah I wanted to say to him too the moments where he wasn't videoing he was texting and tweeting the other guys look at Twitter at one point he was just 60 year old guys and I want to say I don't care this is for your own good

you're addicted to your phone you don't even realize it yeah your right life is ruined yeah oh and the other thing he kept doing he kept videoing had stopped and they'd scan over the the set he had a photo of a previous set list of theirs of theirs like just go on a ride man yeah looking at this oh they play the other day they played give me shelter third just wait for it to play it yeah and a 60 year old douche together you fucking geezer hope he dies soon it's gonna happen fucking loser loser just put your phones go this way you do you in this the band comes out you pull out your phone you grab a couple I like

photos you take a couple photos couple snaps you put your phone light on low whoop just did it myself yeah a low light hold it chest level grab a couple photos you go you can even turn the person behind me excuse me I'm just gonna grab a couple grab a couple feelers you got a photo live your life enjoy the show yes tell your grandkids yeah that's what they used to say I got to go on vacation I gotta tell my grandkids about the time I fucked a whale in the ass you don't send a video but you're right about the the the the it's not a generational thing this guy is 78 years old or whatever it is because when I

was a kid my friends had these dickholes who would come over and show my dad their slides mutable shit vacation they went on to go this is me with the turtles this is me even my hot tub this is me in the hotel nobody cares real enjoy it live it experience it you fucking chucho it's done but the stones were fine and they've lost a little I gotta be honest they make 49 years old there's a lot of breaks Mick will be 76 by the time this comes out and he does a lot of like he can't sing a full break he's like he's also running around so he's like brown sugar

so good missing spots and they can't go like painted black which is like essentially like a punk song it's slowed down and so but it was good you know it's still there's 76 years old 75 whatever I think he's got 71 kids oh yeah but one for every year except for the five balls are still working hmm oh we got a lad I know I realize we'll just have to do it in post all right stick in our pipe and smoke it after a post at my ass cut out this Shelby does not like when we miss the thing no he missed this how about that shell town all right well that's

neither here nor there we love each other should we get some plugs going to yeah Alex looks so sad out there it's all coming to an end I think we should get you a birthday cake that said you know something Jones for that LA I keep getting to bring my book in here but I got big big dates going on I'm coming back to Bergen Norway for the third time in a year I fucking live in Bergen Norway little reindeer doing those shows again side splitters in Tampa August 1st 2nd and 3rd August 8th 9th and 10th Denver comedy works August 15 16 17 Acme comedy club yeah it's a big August and then August 30th and 31st we've sold

a bunch of tickets to London Soho Theatre hey tell people keep spreading the word I mean not a lot but 40 tickets but that's pretty exciting 40 tickets in another country is pretty excited again you got some time coming to yeah so please spread that cheese and butter what else do we have coming up we don't have a live episode no now but the patreon you got to get on that mother it's Santa Anna but that's you got all you got a couple months Santa Anna winds blowing hot from the north and we were born to ride also I believe one of the Columbus boats what was the Nina the pinta and the Santa Maria yeah but

anyways side splitters Minneapolis Denver please fucking come to these shows Denver 8 through 9 through 10 oh you'll sell out a couple of those and London is big and then I got some other cool shit coming up I mean October I got a ton of shit Albany Omaha Laugh Boston Thanksgiving weekend that's gonna be big I know you're all gonna be home for Thanksgiving get your fucking tickets you're gonna hate your family so that Friday and Saturday Laugh Boston get on the patreon the patreon we need you on there we got videos up the asshole all the live episodes my mother's gay my father's fat and my uncle's dead yeah

George is dead call me back I'm in whoo-ha-ha in Massachusetts and Worcester then I'm gonna be at Comedy Zone in Charlotte with old fat Chris L that's an August yep then a helium comedy club in Indianapolis in August Big Indie comedy works in Denver I'm there in September when you there October 8 9 10 of August oh all right I'm right on nipping at your heels there so gaze unite to his gaze then I'm at the Sacramento punchline love that room Addison improv in Dallas those tickets will go up soon then we're at the Cap City comedy club in Austin Texas Acme comedy club after that Spokane and

Tacoma comedy club or in Springfield mass that's a casino that'll be fun side-splitters in Tampa and that's Thanksgiving Santa Ana casino which is right outside of Albuquerque so big other fans keep saying say Albuquerque because no one knows that right okay Albuquerque fuck that's great news Albuquerque yeah more more people there then I'm in Portland and that'll do it for the year so come on out get on the patreon as he said spread that Seinfeld butter around to if you don't mind and yeah how about this I just thought of this like oh I got two things I'll get merch pump two things merch

pump slash Tuesdays how about this if you're a fan a couple that loves Tuesdays Tuesdays if you're a Tuesday couple uh-huh eat each other out right now ah you just finished listening suck his dick eat her pussy that's right sure that's kind of hot you just finished listening Mark and Joe here telling you to go eat some pussy and suck over your gay couples give me a gay couple of course 69 blow each other yeah yeah well eat his ass yeah you just want to be fun to turn off the knob and go get some head sure where would you come up with this just now I like it yeah eat me out as well and eat him out

and eat each other out of it I got something else oh what else Tyler in Winnipeg gave me this idea Tyler shows why I have my own and someone pooped it and then now he said it actually works go right now put our albums on Pandora if you're not listening like if you're not you know you're watching TV put the headphones in just play our album via Pandora Apple music we get paid for that is that right yeah if everybody was doing it we'll make fucking a million bucks put on Pandora just go to bed you don't have to do anything yeah you put your headphones in so you can't even hear it don't put them in your ears just plug

them into the phone ah-ha play our album I love it just play my play yours we'll get the residual is that spotify spotify Pandora Apple music you get like seven cents or something I need seven cents haven't found my pennies yet yes a penny for your thoughts all right we're leaving last show ever thank you Alex Brazil showbiz best time of my life I love the apartment I love you the fan guy that looks like handling nice thanks for having us thanks for the chocolate chip cookies and the doughnuts sentiments we love you we'll see you next week

please