Tuesdays with Stories! - #307 C*nt Runt

Episode Date: July 23, 2019

Folks we're back in Lunch Stuff Studios as we get into Eddie Murphy's career, the origins of words, Seinfeld's getting tickets, and Joe eats a waffle. Check it out! Sponsored by: Roman (getroman.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and full video eps! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/ Download the Laughable app today! laughable.com/download

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy all right we're here we're clear and I need a beer yes and I fear that like the red cheer and I'll continue to make music yes thanks we're here and he's fine

whatever I don't know hideous he looks like an old apple pie very talented gentleman sure I'm starting off with a little fart nugget it was a queef and a half oh it smells bad I got rotten garbage farts right now you're not gonna like it I'm not getting anything it's all the veggies Shelby's pissed he loves a fart no he doesn't he's giggling like a school gig I genuinely think Shelby hates us my farts are off-putting I mean it smells like trash it feels like I got a fork a knife I'm getting up are you kidding nada get in there bloodhound nose here get in there it's still I think I smell your your magma it smells like a

raccoon went through the trash and then fell into a pile of dog shit and then went to crack out during the bad years oh well they're good there's good years now I'm actually going there next week yeah for the Louis business whatever he's playing crack out oh these are sad and gay come on dry they're like dusty fart you got a what do you got wood chips down there tell me you're not getting any of that I'm getting zilch all right some people dying to get something some people get upset when we fart I think it's weird do they juvenile yeah well people right they're like what are you a juvenile you're farting into the

microphone I go what are you talking about what are you listening to this for fucking wisdom yeah I know it's what are we monks no we're chuchas we're monkeys hey with the monkeys people say we monkey around there's no busy we're too busy singing to put anybody down we're just trying to be friendly what a weird thing to be you're so busy you can't shit on anybody that doesn't make sense we're too busy singing to put anyone yeah I guess so you're just out there singing all right maybe they even got to know anybody ah like if they got to know someone they would be like this guy's fucking gay and his teeth are bad

maybe that's just me they were British oh no they're American there are answer to the Beatles they stunk one of the best lines in any movie ever and dumb and dumber they have the monkeys they were big in the Beatles he goes I know so funny so funny and great jokes yeah guys making green book what real with green book well and David Cassidy no Donnelly what's his name the brothers oh Farrelly yeah he makes green book now he made dumb and dumber before now he's making green well you got to play the game folks I mean every show on Netflix is like a strong female lead kick in a 18 guys asses and it's just a guy yeah

yeah make it what I got a movie will Farrell is producing that one lady movie Hannah Ghostbusters now maybe it's a TV show will Farrell's doing something designing women they just go oh this is where the tide is rowing let's row yeah you got to sell what sells but make a make about for the Farrelly head he can make a hot comedy with the lady well he was bridesmaid he won an Academy Award there Chachi that's what I mean but it's a bummer it's I'm not into oh I wish you would make something that were more upper asshole did we were talking about how hard comedy is was that being you I'm sure we do I mean it's very hard you

can't pretend to be funny no no but who was I talking to about how somebody was a comic or a comedy film writer and then he wrote drama and it was so easy and he won an award immediately oh I don't know green book now wasn't you something else damn sorry I took it a straight well comedy obviously is hard it's like the thing that you can pretend to be serious but you can't pretend to be funny yes watch this I'll be I'll be serious what oh oh no that's pretty good that's fine that's not bad shall we laugh together we should have the box we should have the Shelby box it would be huge I pretend to be funny oh look at me yeah it's a lot

harder it's not good not easy you cannot not be funny damn it either way yeah yeah and drama gets all the awards they get everything oh no comedy ever it happened one night they call a comedy which I just watched recently on TCM it's fun oh that was the only other movie to sweep the Oscar it's a silence of lambs cuckoo's nest and it happened one night Clark Gable it's one where tea shots t-shirts went out of business but they there's the sales drop because he unbuttoned his shirt it was the first time they ever see anyone take off his shirt with no undershirt whoa and the legend has it is like the stock in

fucking undershirts plummeted because Clark Gable took it off and they were like what we're not wearing these shirts anymore I love so like when the Beatles they say during Ed Sullivan when the Beatles played during the commercial they had a water shortage everybody took a dump yeah I don't know if it was a dump but they flushed somebody was holding a boom boom I'll tell you that I guess a lot of people they had you know hold my hand and they had to go shit but probably a high percentage had to be urine because I think yeah percentage of toilet visits are urine and what to shit gotta be ninety ten four to one yeah you're

saying seventy five no way seventy five percent piss yeah yeah four to one we seventy five I'm saying ninety to ten because I piss about twenty seven times a day and sometimes I go a month without shitting well that's also you got a fucking kooky diet there fatty I sure do a lot of bagels and sex I think I remember back in the day when you were eating purely ragu you were shitting pretty frequently well I should I mean I was being a goof I shit almost daily semi-daily shit my toilet more than I had yeah well I take a shit it looks like that fucking pint glass it's very thick I have tick thick big green shits tick

not on yeah all right well I shit very rarely my body needs a lot of coal and wood mmm I'm a chuchu and then you gotta just keep shoveling it in interesting what do you mean veggies fruit what are you saying I need a lot of fuel I don't know I got a fast but tab I did something's burning I ate two bowls of the shit Bert cooked I ate a bowl of ice cream had two beers and a piece of bread yeah you can eat I can eat I'm similar I got the metabolism I tell people people get mad at me I tell them what I ate and they're like why aren't you fat they get mad yes like you should be fat why aren't you fat I don't know I'm not

fat but my fucking stomach's rotting out I don't shit properly and my throat's all fucked up I can't breathe I got paradoxical vocal cord movement you know what it's like it's like that girl who goes uh I hate my big tits everybody hates that shit my boobs they hurt my back everybody goes ah blow me your guts but I'm not one of them I'm not complaining I'm skinny I'm skinny skinny whatever I'm never like oh I'm too thin it sucks yeah I'm just tell me what I ate and they get upset yes and it's the thing of like I understand compare and despair you see sure sure because people like big fat people I

don't want to name names but comedians that are fat who host podcasts they'll be like this you're a fucking douche you can eat whatever you want dude you never gain weight and I go well if I was fat you'd still have the same problems right like it's not this is not adding to your problem good point just because I'm eating chicken parm and not getting fat you're still fat if everyone made 900 pounds you would still be in danger of passing away right so quit comparing and go you know take a hike and I don't care to be it's we're not skinny isn't an insult it used to be like a skinny bitch mm-hmm but they call you a skinny mini

that's what I was a skinny mini but just cuz your rhyme something doesn't mean it's not hurtful I can't go hey you fat jet fat cat cat a fat cat's insulting he's a big fat cat that's like a rich guy yeah these fat cats in Washington yes exactly aha now we're learning something yeah but yeah some other rhymes that wouldn't be insulting skinny mini skinny winnie you douche coosh are you cut run cut runs nice she's a cut run cut runs a small cut yeah the litter mm-hmm we got a big exhale from Shelby we better move on yeah he's furious like that exhale you want to pop on the video just so people can see you is that weird no

get in there just want to see what we described you with the lips and the vampire face yeah it comes out here comes a Shelby lean oh man oh the camera broke folks get on Patriot you can see Shelby's face yeah that's a good reason to line up exactly get in there I came on tell me how many tweets I've gotten what does he look like I want to see the mutant I know I've seen and we do the live show I'm joking I don't know these people tweet things people all right what do you got there we got quite a pants tent by the way Jesus look at that thing joke people will say they'll go like this the point to random people is

that Shelby and I'm like that's fucking no what are you talking about what do you like after the Village Underground show people will come up to me like great show big Tuesday and they'll be like this is that Shelby and I'm like that's canner oh is that Shelby and I'm like that's esti you know they want they want to know they want their eyes on Shelby that's Shelby that's a English Terrier yeah they just take a shot in the dark they're like is that him that's Aaron you know yeah yeah no that's a that's a mug it's mysterious but if there's any any reason to get on the Patriot I mean see this face by the way some of the best hair in

the biz we don't talk about it enough I mean you really put some time into that hair beautiful it it looks like a fake hair like if you put fake hair on yes like glue this glue involved yes it's perfect the airline now you don't put too much time into your hair you're kind of a wake up and go my hair is a fucking bird's nest from hell I can't control it's shrubbery yeah you got a lot of gifts but hair is not one of them the skin and the face and the sense of humor and some chicks dig the whole you look like hell thing you know like the what do you call it rag a muffin yes a rag okay hey rag a muffin's a good name for a period she's

on a rag a muffin she's a rag and it's gonna be a muffin aspect though it's not delicious and soft muffin top it's soft I guess what what is a muffin oh that's when the thing spills out spills over the belt loop right yeah they don't like the muffin towel that sounds cute they don't like it yeah I always think you got to say with women you have to say tummy and not belly I think that's a good rule I think when I talked about this before at some point it is weird oh and I'm generalizing here but the ladies they like a kitty like language mmm like whenever when I was a single fuck I'd get a lot of a hey you want to

come over and have a have playtime or you want to come have a sleepover and I go you mean fuck and they go oh what are you doing right you meant you fucking weirdo kitty-titty yeah they got it you got to use euphemism yeah no one wants to be like hey could you come over and toss it in my asshole and then come on me that's hot though yeah that's you get to that point I would like that I would love that I told you I dated a person or was hooking up with a person whatever who said I need you to come in my eyes and she meant it and I obliged and it was quite a thrill wow you should have married that one well I tried but you

know what can you do yeah times times were hard on the boulevard no money it was a whole thing yeah I'm hard you're gonna have some money money helps yeah money money on both accounts yes check and savings wow that was something that's what you call unison we should unicycle I had something oh it was about so oh it was about the generalizing reminds me I know we talked about this five years ago that great Dixon line on his album Pat Dixon yeah when he's doing he's talking about women and someone yells out she goes you're generalizing he goes I am and you're taking it personally one of the all-time great line great great

line I think about that line all the time because I've had women say that to me or black guys or whoever and I just wish I could say his line but I can't yes not mine right so well done there Dixie it is very funny to get upset about generalizing right generalizing like yeah I'm just why do you care then yeah so good but generalizing is bad generalized anxiety disorder which is also bad it's a troubling thing and I think I got vocal cord movement again all of a sudden I can't breathe but I went this is the way we have this happen maybe this is all mental I'm crazy when you go to the doctor and you're like

hey looks good everything's fine take care I'll see you and then like five hours later you're like fuck I don't feel good I asked him but maybe that's mental maybe I'm losing my mind you know you got a wacky mind it's kind of like when you take a boom-boom and then you shower and then you're like I'm not done boom-booming what's that shit one that's Eddie Murphy doing Richard Pryor remember that bit yes in raw he talks about his early bits you said he was just ripping off Richard Pryor but he was all shit jokes it's all he had ever done yes he goes you have a shit blank five hours no he's talking about wipe

your ass you wipe your ass like five hours yeah something like that and then he had a joke he's like you ever take a shit stand up look at nothing there yeah yeah yeah me too well Sarah was that she's I've always afraid stuck to her leg or something like she's gonna leave the house and the big log stuck to her you know like it's about Mary's like I can't find the jizz and then it's exactly yeah I just funny you bring up the Murph man I just watched Eddie Murphy I was going through the YouTubes as I do I love YouTube I'm hooked on it and Eddie Murphy's Tonight Show debut came up you know I've never watched this I'm gonna

sit back pop some popcorn take my pants off and give it a tune amazing oh yeah he's young he's a star he's in a suit he's young it's weird to see he's got it I mean it's so weird to know a guy's work so well like the raw the delirious all the movies coming to America unbelievable stuff trading places golden show then I go back and watch the old after yeah so I'm backwards in chronology and I want he has got it I mean he comes out and the audience gives him a big ovation goes shut up that's the first thing yeah that gets a laugh so comfortable how's that comfortable he's just a teenage kid what is he 1716 it's

unreal yes pretty young are you also in the same thing we talked about this me it's so much I thought for years he was from Roosevelt Island from Roosevelt Long Island with Howard Stern as well for years I was like he's from Roosevelt Island he's the only person from Roosevelt Island that would add to his mystique it would be mysterious yeah yeah but that he had a bit about I can't remember the bit but it was something about cereal and he's named after cereal and is he's like my daughter or my my sister's a prostitute we call her tricks cousin he's a little slow he's special K and he just does all of its gold you

could never do that now no night show anyways so he did a real he had a gay one too oh my gay cousin he's lucky charms which doesn't really work no but he had a gay joke a retard joke and a prostitute joke on the tonight show in 1983 or whatever the hell it was his gay jokes are they're worse than anything we've ever done in this show horrific no siren just a real fag on top of the car pull over they try to fuck in the ass he's running around oh man it's terrifying I should break your shit boy he's great he is so funny that whole thing with the camera and delirious is so funny it's the flash now I have a few things where I

you don't he doesn't do funny really anymore he's not really like he did SNL didn't crack a smile gave up the funny gave up I always say he's the funniest person of all time maybe maybe he's my he's my pick but mm-hmm I wonder if it's too built up you know too built because I I was a class clown in high school I killed my freshman year I was new to school I had to prove myself I had a lot acne and boners and I killed and I remember the summer pass and everybody goes oh I got I got a class with Norman yeah it got to me and I choked I could I wasn't funny the whole year wow I do it again that semester but it messed me up

okay well I mean I don't I think it was just a lot of stress and I don't know it's very strange that's why he's so mysterious yes because he's made some absolute dog shit some of the worst movies ever what's the one that has 0% of rotten tomatoes orbit now he can only hear for a day or you can see for a day or something speak you can't speak for a day or the rest of the days or something I can't remember it as 0% of rotten tomatoes wow not a single person who watched it was like hey this is pretty good wow that's got a sting it's crazy to be the top and be a zero also we got a lot of range in this anal but he was the

funny I mean you take his sketch stuff to stand up the movies and the best ever yeah yeah unbelievable who's funnier than him maybe Larry David Martin's pretty good enough with the fucking banjo I love Steve Martin but when I would want listen to his albums I'm not howling I'm like that's clever that's great that's fun I mean Steve Martin to me not even in the conversation I love him well he's irony it's too much irony I get it you're making fun of comedy or whatever to me I get all I get old on that because to me that's less hard right or easier I think is the word yes Farley Farley's big yeah

basically will Farrell's pretty talented will Farrell's pretty amazing he's hilarious Jim Carey was up there oh yeah but such a short period of time but yeah he's pretty funny two decks to tag I don't know I mean that movie if you're counting like from a living color all the way to ace for tour to is only like eight years we're not gonna give me myself an anal now that was a little later than ace for tour to but not much now like a year later I think hmm it was a small winner then like see dick run Bruce Almighty that's all garbage yes man no thanks now here's one now this is yeah this is gonna be a squint you want

you gotta you gotta curveball a dark horse a wild card but I don't know I think I think you might be up there to hear me out I'm nervous Fred Willard I do love the will if you go in percentage when have you ever seen him not being hilarious yeah he's amazing in spinal tap he's amazing in best of show he's like unbelievably funny he's got a few Disney movies and shit out there okay he's gonna live he's gonna eat I am not knocking I'm just you just said 100% so I'm just saying there's other things but when he's trying to be fun yeah he's hilarious and under under the radar a little bit yeah he's never a lead but

he's always like amazingly funny and he's improvising yeah that's some improvised shit yeah that's best in show all that stuff it's a he's pretty amazing he's up there all right I like it hmm I had another one and I lost it because you threw me with the Willard yeah well it's tough you met him we met I snapped a photo with him I was jealous of that photo well you have you had polished in your trophy I'd happily switch places you had a bit you're assigning a big fat check and you got a trophy and you almost fucked an old mayor so yeah I got I got a what do you call that when you get consolation consolation

prize yeah I got a consolation why I was trying to bag Miss Nebraska from 1981 or whatever it was and I'm being generous I think it was 90 1941 she was old but she was sexy she had like 2% body fat but she was old back if she was in the wind it would just you could she could move a boat propel a boat with her skin I don't know she might come apart like a dandelion she was so frail oh she was a dandy all right yeah and a lion what's the difference between a there's a herd and then there's a we call it not a herd but a stampede there's a pack wait it's a him another word that's like a word wait what another word it's a word group

of animals but it's like a it's also like a now like a pride a pride a pride a pride that was it well there's another one pride was the one I was thinking of a pride of lions school of fish well school yeah yeah a gaggle of geese that's not a real one it is a murder of crows flamingos are called a parade now about this pandas a group of pandas is called an embarrassment I swear to God an embarrassment of pandas an embarrassment Shelby can we confirm some of these things here I'll bet some money on this wow I'm a barrisment of pandas yeah yeah did you know a jiffy is an actual unit of time it is it is and a pop that's I

think of one one hundredth of a second what do you got shell town read it out loud read it out loud July third you know him how crazy oh yeah a bamboo of pantas when I what does that mean exactly a cupboard I've covered an embarrassment and a bamboo and a bamboo we got bamboozled here I feel like you wrote this Wikipedia page and what's the difference is one of the ones gays ones men's and one's black what's going on here that was my joke a group of gays is a musical my bit that's okay I want to do parade but it's already one of them is it in the special

dash come on I'll edit this out no one has that that's not bad what we should come up with a like a group of Puerto Ricans is a knife fight a group of blacks is a I don't know what a basketball team oh hey I like that I like that something I want a different direction which I won't name all right group of Indian men is a is a convenience store or a oh Indians I was thinking the Native Americans oh Native Americans that'd be a small pock hmm a blanket casino a casino casino I like that yeah this is fun by the way I got a lot of heat for my casino tweet oh really on the last episode I said if the Indians are gonna get casinos and the Jews should

get some water part oh yeah well I got a good amount of retweets but I also got a lot of backlash what do they know they don't know what the hell they're talking about I don't see how it's offensive no we should give them something yeah it's a joke joke these people with the joke should we try to tell the story or should we just fight right through this well you've waffled all over me why don't we talk about that no well last night I got to see we don't have much we recorded about 42 hours ago yeah let me check the time oh my god we got a lot of time to kill oh boy I'm not to tell you about my birth or something please I'd love to

hear about the seaside oh they didn't have c-section back in the 80s I think they did I was coming out lock stock and barrel I believe it's named after Caesar is that right look it up doesn't feel right give it a Google Caesarean section is Caesarean the same as Caesar yeah it's Caesar Arian no kidding is he an Arian oh yeah brotherhood you got that right no kidding so a Caesar salad you could say it's a Caesarean salad you could yeah all right mmm well last night I had a show on the Lower East Side a to huh Brutee oh no was a B and second it was to be or not to be oh that's the question whether it

is no blur in my mind to suffer yes he was Hamlet where was he Hamlet in the movie Hamlet he did a Hamlet give it a goog wasn't that Gibson both wow I had no idea you know Keanu Reeves they say is one of the nicest guys in the biz very charitable yeah you know what's fun about Keanu is whenever he takes a photo with a woman his arm is hovering because he won't touch oh yeah it's very smart he's like I ain't going to jail ladies yeah and kind of known for one of the worst accents in the history of American film brand Stoker's Dracula really blew it interest do we need the Bram Stoker I mean it's part of it we don't do that

with a hey this is Bob Kane's Batman or you know Bob Kane Bob Kane well you're a wealth of knowledge today I got I read fun facts all day by the way the the Shelby head would have been great because he's just rolling his eyes at this Bob Kane business we better get into something give it a goog well I'm saying that just this bullshit we're doing here all right all right I see I find this shit fast she'll be pulls no punches this fella he really lets you know now wears it right on his face yeah he pulls his hog I wish it were a mask on that face that one got nothing you can't look him in the eye the show we got to

set up the Shelby man because it's really something not the mask the fucking his head I mean the Patriot with skyrocket all right well let's make it small what the box I thought you meant his cock I said God already did that so anyways I got a show last night back over here do you he's got a Rogers down there you got a decent hog shell shellfish we're on all repeats we're running out I mean at some point we got to end the show we've touched on everything show the hog to the people at home will you if you stick to head of your guy just the head of your car film view I mean we'll get the wide lens we

have to go we got one over there look at that big old lens we're the best thing that ever happened to Steve Rogers by the way his face is garbage is acting as shit that dick is something oh he's got a piece his gal pal has eight minutes on his dog she's fucking taking it to the top oh yeah she's all stretched out it's cool I'm kidding I love his act obviously his face is garbage but he's alright he's cute he looks old in a weird way he looks like he's from like the 40s I can see that yeah he's got like he's got old time head yeah old time head that's all I'm trying to get for miss Nebraska some old time head so I

got a show on the show look at that tent Ellie yes look at that well I'm getting a belt tent which is unheard of look at this belt it's a it's a foldy belt I gotta buy a new belt I'm starting to look like I shop at Sears in the 80s all like it's all foldy and I lost weight so I gotta squinch the belt tight so my I'm yeah at the waistline here old man on a porch bottom half yeah I'm turning into soda I gotta start wearing these Ted bakers all the time yes you should because I got some nice outfits but they get all wrinkly it's a whole thing so half the time I'm wearing Brandy Carlisle t-shirt and skids jeans or Jabo whatever the

fun is that a thing skids they had skids were out for a while they were like checkered pants that was a big trend in the early 90s checkered pants skids look up skids pants what the hell's a skid I had skid marks I don't have any skids pants skid marks Normand yes that was me I got all kinds of skid but nothing compared to the ladies these ladies but their skids are I mean oh well they got blood sweat and tears down front and back skids yeah yeah I was doing my gales laundry for a while looked like a like a diner napkin it's not pretty yeah that gravy on it and ketchup and mustard well it's an assortment of colors it's

like a Crayola basics box that's right that's box box it's like an electric pink down there and magenta turquoise violet yeah say you're at this yeah how crazy that the Jerry Seinfeld thing is so crazy oh just everything we say is a Jerry line I know it's crazy I know that he's on he's talking it's it's my mind is blown I guess I get it weird how we've kind of found our douches like Aziz loves Sam Aziz obsessed with Sam uh-huh Louie loves you yes and I got the chair we all have our big name yeah well I mean Sam is losing the pennant that's gonna be a third place finish I want you to watch it special I'd like to hear what

you think I'd I have a trouble I don't love the t-shirt oh well he's trying to be a cool guy all right all right but I know I'll watch Louie wore shirts every up not a metallica t-shirt oh well you know it's a shirt feels weird is it it's a statement it's hey I don't give a fuck I'm Lucy goosey okay okay do what I want yeah I'm not through with the black t-shirt either but the metallica seemed weird but I can't wait to watch it I'm looking forward to it and I should say I can't wait to watch it I did wait to watch it it was on last night I watched Mean Streets for the 500 oh did you not mean street I watch after hours wow

that's funny I just watched a taxi driver I watched that recently too I find myself just watching the same movies over and over again because I try a new thing and I'm like 20 minutes in I'm like this is garbage I'm going back to what works well you like repetition and you like what you like I like what I like but at one point those were new to you of course and you tried them but they are great oh yeah yeah so great so I'm trying to if you know some other great movies independence or something that I maybe I missed stick them up my ass please did you watch shit what's that one with Krasinski oh John Krasinski

yeah yeah quiet place I watched quiet place pretty good I liked it I watched the second time didn't like it as much that's the thing with a lot of these movies that come out you watch and watch you like that's fun that was good I was like that with us I watched the second time I was like okay it's fine ah whereas taxi driver mean streets after hours raging bulls are naming all Scorsese movies but certainly Cohen's turn you watch 20 30 40 times you're picking up on things I can watch no country for anal a hundred times oh yeah probably seen that I can't even imagine how many times I love it let me get to

this side yeah we better because this isn't much of a story you'll you'll soon see I can't wait so I had a Poco lounge last night what's that show called you can tell tell him you said something tell him you mean it I don't know it's a B and fourth I think it's third B and third it's a 3b or not to be that's the question oh fucking we're on repeats from five minutes ago well I went down there hell of a show Thomas Delgado Tomas Tomas but I think it's Tom I call him Tom yeah he's Tom and then Courtney McGinnis who's hilarious so funny and very fun likeable and she looks like she could be siblings

with my wife don't they look at a similar ish look not like they look the same but they look like they could be from the same vagina same run or ball bag oh cut run cut run well anyways they co-host and the show was packed wow and that shouldn't go on now three years and it was packed like fire code we're in deep trouble Pat couldn't even get down the stairs and it was a fun little group there and I was going first it was one of those weird nights where I'm home hanging with the wife watching after hours I gotta go do this set I head into the city it's still daylight out I'm walking over there and he texts me goes

do you want to go first I said I would love to I'll be there in one minute so I get there they're already on stage oh boy so they finished their 10 minutes I go up and kind of killed it was pretty great a lot of new all kinds of new I had my phone in my back pocket though so I listened to the set today it sounds all muffy I got some farts in there now I wasn't farting but the average person the person farts an average of 14 times a day I think you got him beat so oh yeah I think I'm break it's gonna be someone out there farting twice because I'm bringing up the average yeah definitely because I'm farting 58 60 times a day but

anyways so I go up there but it's kind of fun to listen to a set when your phone is in your back pocket because it sounds like an old Woody Allen mix like a what do you call it bootleg bootleg it sounds bootleggy because it's all like I don't know what the thing about that's crazy you're like uh-huh it's a nice muff I love a muff so I had a great set then I walk out I'm done I text Sarah I'm like I'm all done she's like I feel like you weren't even gone wow if I had headed home I could have been home in like an hour 10 round trip total I love those nights but I decided I'm a little hungry and I try to eat three hours

before bed so the stomach can empty takes three hours for a stomach to empty as we know I did not know that well I said it recently Shelby can we get the uh origin of bootleg but keep going it's gotta be alcohol right uh bootlegger bootleg you're not supposed to do it but what is bootleg oh the epidemiology on alcohol hmm I think they talked about that and the Ken Burns ah they put in their boot put the booze in the boot boot booze yeah that would have been made more sense yeah but why the leg yeah what's the leg part yeah he's got a I don't know well we'll figure it out a little time

anyways I decide I got to eat some food so I google diner near me because I like a diner I need a diverse menu with my diet restrictions and there's the remedy diner right there I completely forgot about one of the best diners I think it's a little overpriced of course classic diner well that's a little bit of a foreplay that you just do out there sorry I like foreskin no I love it uh what do you call that a tease uh no what's it called foreshadow uh-huh foreskin foreshadow ooh so I go over there I say hey remedy diner and I remember uh you were gonna be on the lower east I saw a little photo or a tweet or something and I said hey

aren't you on the lower east side right now you got that right and you said I am about to go up I said well come meet me at the diner you fat fuck yes sorry bub so I get in the diner and I like being in a diner by myself late night especially lower east side everything's got that neon on a great set so you're kind of riding off the great set you're going to set right away and I decide I'll have a little breakfast eggs potato toast classic breakfast $7.50 and low cow low cow yep because you think uh breakfast it's always cereal or or a pancake or something but that's actually it's a meat it's a protein you're good

well the bread's not the best not great and as I'm ordering waffle catches my asshole and so listen to this folks this is gonna really chap your dick hole please so I oh oh boy Shelby just dropped a $900 camera on his toe oh god that's all right that poor camera that face cam would be great right now yeah well he's not he's not giving you much uh expression no no he's not that's why I don't know what the cam would really you have to plug it in and out that's what makes it such an interesting situation uh-huh anyway so I say uh all of the egg meal here $7.50 two scrambled eggs french regular toast and uh you know my father's bush and I say I wouldn't mind a waffle can I is it possible to just get a single waffle because the waffle says $9.50 comes

with bacon ham toast and egg that's a that's a deal that's a hell of a deal so I so can I just get a waffle he goes well it's gonna be $9.50 total uh he says it's gonna be $9.50 I said total he goes yeah I go great lay it on me I'll take that waffle because naturally I'm thinking it's $2 for the waffle of course $7.50 for my breakfast add a waffle it's gonna go up to $9.50 terrific yep now I have some eggs delicious eggs a little bit of potatoes pepper in there I didn't want the pepper hate the pep so I have some toast then I wheel over that waffle don't you love saving something for last you pull it over I just look at it and I really got bootest with it yes I'm not eating a lot of junk but I'm gonna eat this junk piece of shit and enjoy it and I filled every square with syrup I

added some extra syrup for dipping then I took the butter from the toast I started emptying those right on it oh I mean I took about seven butter cubes and just smushed them on there I feel like in the past week you've ingested eight pounds of country crock I'm eating too much butter but someone told me it's healthy ish I don't know I don't know about that I don't know either but I did a poll and 40% of people said it's pretty good all right 40 40 is not bad 40 is not bad Twitter knows that's almost half so I'm eating my waffle I'm waiting for my best bud to come by and I really enjoyed that wall waffle yeah yeah yeah I go I'll take the check my father's gay he brings me the check $7.50 for the eggs $9.50 for the single waffle I saw it coming saw I mean charged

me $9.50 I had an $18.00 two scrambled eggs and a waffle barely ate the potato because it had fucking onions up the douche oh yeah and then I had two pieces of toast with the tip 21 big ones free holy I mean that's insane yeah that's bananas now I should have gone to the manager and said listen yeah I didn't get the rest of either I want my meat or I want your meat in my mouth because I want to I want to blow you for being this tricky yeah this is good yeah what do you think about that what would you do this is what I would do because I've been in these situations and I find them so vexing I would have gone whoa whoa whoa whoa $9.50 for the waffle I thought it was all included with the nine that's why I asked about the total so can I just get the eggs and

bacon at least but I don't even want those I could have given them to you I suppose me but I would just the satisfaction of having them there you take one bite you sniff it you wipe it on your face you leave yeah put in my backpack maybe or just say hey how am I getting charged for that you should knock this down yeah because I think the waiter just didn't know what from where I think he's just you know uh yeah he was from somewhere not here uh that got weird I was trying to be funny it's weird because some of the people can see the picture people can see the camera so I'm making a funny face but if you're not most people aren't listening via the patreon that's true so they don't see the face they just think I'm uh you know jerk no they like you but uh yeah you got to say

something I had a similar thing okay I went to this taco joint over here called Otto's taco oh Otto and George yes and uh I go in and I go whoa I see on the sign I'm with the lady it says two dollar Tuesday I look at my watch it's Tuesday I go it's fun everything you order whatever you order you get two dollar drinks with your food wow so you get a beer that's two bucks you get a margarita that's two bucks that's pretty good no shit so I wasn't planning on drinking but I can't pass up a two dollar modello how could you so I go give me two modellos the lady goes all right here you go but now now they do this thing where they go you want your receipt and I never do yeah I've never taken a receipt so I go down I'm good but I noticed the bill was like 30 something I was like

that seems high for a couple talks and a and a few two dollar beers and I just you know you can't look at the receipt so you're just kind of pondering I'm eating the tacos going seems high yeah you know I'm adding everything up you know I don't want to sound like a cheap cunt but I'm adding it all up sure so then I go back to the guy I can't help it you know she's going let it go that's what girl every girlfriend goes let it go it's okay whatever I'm like yeah but I just want to know it's not even the money so I go back to the guy and I go sorry buddy goes oh what's the problem I go can I see that receipt and he goes what all right what do you have I had to tell him what I had he's going through a little laptop thing or the iPad I'm like yeah it was two tacos two modellos that he hands

me the receipt he didn't charge me two for the beers he charged me six whatever oh but I knew it and I was right and that's all I needed and I got the hell out of there as he's still paid still paid to give him the cash you wanted the satisfaction that's all it was well that's how I feel we talked about this a little last night when we finally met up and that was exciting but I go it's not worth it to me now I should confront I should get better about confrontation this is all my therapist says you gotta confront everybody and suck your own dick but to me it's like I have the money I'd rather spend it's worth nine dollars to me to not be like excuse me sir could you have a thing and I thought I think and I don't want to do it so I'd rather just take the

nine dollars you fucking son of a bitch I feel you that money is so good I and I hate to sound like a we're not rich no but we're doing okay for once in our goddamn lives and one time I saw Seinfeld on TMZ this is the 12th Seinfeld reference some on TMZ this is years ago like 2005 or something and they see hey Jerry they see him on the LA streets and he's outside of his porch Porsche and he grabs a ticket off his car and he goes ah I got a ticket and they go oh Jerry's got a ticket and he just goes yeah yeah and he throws it in his car and they show in the car he had like 10 tickets oh but he's so rich that what is it 89 dollars that's a fucking kick in the pants a drop in the hat whatever that means bucket a drop in the bucket yes now I'm surprised

he's not more anal with throwing them away or cleaning them up or whatever well he said I give him to my assistant she figures it out that's nice wow what a badass boy that would be fun that's an at 89 dollars when I'm in LA that's a that's an asshole ruin her I know you know that's a skid mark there was also the story of a Jerry sitting outside the cellar with his car park there and he had a cop watching his car to make sure no one ticketed whoa he had the police working for him to make sure another cop didn't give him a ticket that seems like it'd be more money than the ticket well I don't think he's paying them he just knows him he's like hey Charlie would you mind because he's Seinfeld everywhere he goes the cops are like holy because cops are people too

I guess cops like oh my god Jerry Seinfeld they're all you know wetting their gun and he goes hey would you mind making sure no one he goes well but maybe they do this I hope they don't get a ticket the cop was I'll stick around make sure now the cop goes I watched Jerry's car all night special treat certainly interesting hey speaking of special treats Raycon they sent me some headphones same I mean I am loving these Raycons big fan of the rain they are bad ass first of all I'm grateful for the gift and you should be too folks get yourself some Raycons a great pair of wireless earbuds but before you go drop it hundreds of bucks on a pair sorry a pair you need to check out wireless earbuds from Raycon yeah you do I suck Raycon earbuds started about half the price

of any other premium wireless earbuds on the market and they sound amazing they really do there is as amazing as anything else on the market I've ever heard of you guys they're just as good as you get I mean the company was co-founded by Ray J and celebrities like Snoop Dogg and Melissa Ettritch who I love come to my window and bring me some Raycons yeah come on my back Raycons E-50 wireless earbuds have totally changed the game they're so comfortable and easy to take anywhere they sent me a pair of these and my wife and I we literally fight over them she's really use the Raycons I got the Raycons tonight yeah yeah that's how good they are I gotta buy a second pair and I'm gonna buy them using the promo code Tuesdays yes get on that promo code tell them some more

there Mark you get 20% off your order which is a quite a pretty penny that's a chunk that's a fifth yes so buy Raycon dot com slash Tuesdays to get 20% off your wireless earbuds today and get them as a gift get them to be fun get them for yourself it's an amazing deal they're already better priced than the other ones and now you get 20% off yeah use a promo code Tuesdays get your Raycons they are first class item and they're gonna just improve your life and you're in your music listening abilities and podcasts sound great too there it's a high quality so get some Raycons so tell them Joe and Mark say yeah and they come from a different assortment of colors so get kooky get stylish and get to listening yeah for sure and I don't know I mean I don't have much so then we

met up we rode the train back and that was fun yeah that was cute it's always nice when we see each other and we get to do something yeah I remember it's laughing on the train because you have to transcribe a Montreal set oh god there's nothing worse than transcribing your own material yeah I got a big TV set and uh you gotta transcribe so you gotta write out every word you're gonna say yep and you just all your picture is the people reading it going this we hire this guy this is gonna be this guy's gonna bomb isn't it funny how comedy starts written then it lives on stage lives on TV lives on an album and then to go back and write it again it's atrocious yeah exactly it's very strange and you need I'm like I'm right I'm literally writing parentheses I'm like I make

a face right here yeah pause a bit I kind of change my inflection here like are you like just trust me I know what I'm doing right right but I hate I think they never even read it I think you can just write all work in no play makes Jack a dull boy and they'd be like this works perfect yeah they're like oh he's doing a shining bit but I'm pumped about Montreal I wish you were gonna be up there I'm getting the itinerary and all that stuff and it's all exciting it's this week I'm there Thursday and Saturday at the mainline theater I'm shooting a TV taping in Canada I mean in Canada obviously it's all in Canada Canadian TV Friday but I'm getting the resume I mean the the itinerary I'm doing Ron Bennington's having a what do you call a panel about anxiety and recovery

and I'm excited about that I think Bobby's on it you're killing and it's yeah yeah so I'm the Thursday and Saturday at the mainline theater 10 p.m show so you can go out and see all the other shows or whoever you're gonna see and then I'm hoping to pick up a nice Ari storytelling show he's doing a few midnight shows at the titty bar he's out there what's killing me is next year you'll go and I'll be home I know we gotta sync up so we could do the pod like a period because I mean that Montreal's that's our town baby we could really see some tits and do a live pod up there I love the fucking more al I love Toronto we gotta get over to Toronto at some point never worked I mean I worked there with I've done the I did the arena and Massey Hall with Louis but I've never

done an actual gig it's tough to get a gig up there in it well there's no good they got the yuck yucks but if you're not in with the yucks you're nobody it's very corporate and then the other one is the comedy bar but it seats like 11 people yeah yeah comedy bar so I'm working on Toronto I mean that's the place I get the most like when are you coming to Toronto we gotta go up there Chicago as well I love the shy town but Chicago we work like sons of bitches at Zainis yeah I love that Zane love Zainis wouldn't it be nice to uh be able to sell out everywhere of course we're getting there we're getting there but man it's a slow drag wouldn't it be nice if we were older then we wouldn't have to wait so long beach boys beach boys Brian Wilson the beginning of that song everybody

pause the podcast go put on wouldn't it be nice that first intro that it's really tremendous and I wonder if anyone blew each other remember I told everyone to suck their dicks and eat each other out do that again after this episode every Tuesday listen to the pod and then go eat out your wife yeah eat us out as well while you're at it I wouldn't mind that no no no if you're gonna get your ass all eaten would you want to do it missionary or a doggie style because I think I have my ass in the air would be nice I don't know well all fours is too vulnerable well I mean it's elbow so I don't know that counts as fours that's a point it's a pointy it's pointy you could do three you could do hands behind your back and just lean

on the head yeah that's tough on the neck that's sorry I would go missionary really so someone's just holding your ankles up and getting in there I hooked up this is an old story I was in Atlanta this is like 20 years ago I was doing the laughing skull I met a girl after blonde lady very normal looking nice lady we get back to my hotel we're making out she throws me on the bed I land on my back she pulls my pants off lifts both legs up like a diaper like a diaper and really started chowing down wow and I had jogged that day I had a tampon in it was a whole thing wow I think I would like to be like I think I'd like the peek back peek back I think it'd be fun to be on the elbows and kind of be like all right I'm ready to take it and then she's eating the ass or he

you know we're not we're equal opportunity offenders or they uh or sir yeah they're eating our ass and I just look back from each direction and kind of take it right in the seat I'll go one further I'd like to have a little periscope you know I'm on my all fours I got a periscope I'm looking right backwards oh so a reverse periscope in some ways I think they're all reverse I guess so 360 scope I guess you can spin it you can spin a scope yeah like a submarine yeah that's fun now hear this now hear this ain't only munching you don't hear about submarines too much anymore well they're stealthy oh is that right they could be right in our own backyard there's one in the toilet right now you've been on a sub uh yeah but it was a non-using so I see

what do you call out of commish was it underwater no it was above it was like half in half out it was just a marine like my ass uh yeah it was a marina it wasn't sub it was a submarine his sub means below oh it was half sub the below way yeah it was a mixed race below job I'll take it each other boy Shelby's tapping those fingers it's making me nervous that's a long hour to say I get it I get it what's somebody's shell what are you what are you Sicilian Mediterranean you look very brown you just tan well all right tan well sure tan well sounds like a brand it does this table's a tan well this episode is brought to you by tan well yeah go to tan well dot com slash all right what are you uh what are you what are you German

English Polish that's what your pollock but they don't tan well they burn oh yeah in the oven yes like a potato I'm kidding you ever eat Polish food I'm about to I'm going there right now I mean as we're as you're listening to this I'm in Poland isn't that crazy that is kooky bananas where we're sitting here in in the lunch stuff studios in the west village we're fucking in the ass we're having some laughs and by the time the people hear this episode I always think we could be dead eventually we'll be dead there'll be an episode that comes out one of us is dead that's so true well we could retire before then hopefully but we will be dead at some point and this will live on that's amazing isn't that wacky people gonna hear this is this this is coming to you live from the

other side this is dead me I'm dead you're dead I'm dead right now I could be dead in Poland you're worm food fatty but yeah if you're hearing this if you're within the sound of my asshole I am in Krakow wow isn't that crazy Krakow and then how about this I fly from Bulgaria Sophia Bulgaria to New York City I get to New York City at 10 p.m. Wednesday okay and I leave from Montreal at 8 a.m. on Thursday and have a 10 p.m. show that night I think you'll be all right I mean first of all let's go through this because I've done stuff like this before and it's hell on earth but you got a couple perks here okay you're gonna land at 10 10 you'll get home by 11 sure you probably go to bed at 2 you wake up at 5 you get to the plane it's an hour flight

maybe less well go to bed at 2 if I'm lucky if you're lucky because it's gonna be 6 a.m. or whatever you gotta have a drug get a drug ready I might take a towel PM well here's what I'm doing to prepare for the way there I've been waking up early because I was in May so you gotta get up early in May because there's moose and shit so I was waking up at 8 a.m. so now today I got up a quarter of a because I had radio forgot them oh Sunday I gotta get out it's Wimbledon is going on so I've been getting up early to watch Wimbledon also so Sunday is the men's finals so I'm gonna set the alarm wake up at 6 a.m. which Bulgaria seven hours ahead so that's 1 p.m. I think that's 1 p.m. so I'll be up at 1 p.m. time which isn't egregious that's not crazy that's not that way I'm waking up instead

of waking up at 6 p.m. so I'm doing that thing where you leave into the Europe time you're transitioning wake I am transitioning so I'll be getting up so when I get there it won't be crazy because I've been waking up around that time but coming back I haven't made a plan for that but usually east to west is not as bad right and it's Louis so I'm flying first class so I can switch that chair into a bed and hopefully get some good shut-eye yeah but I'm saying when you get back you got a 48 minute flight to Montreal then you don't have a shuttle 10 so you can get a little snoozy at the hotel II well I'll try to snooze but you don't want to nap too much because I can throw you off kilter good point and this isn't just some game this is just for laughs I'm gonna

be wanting to have a lunch and meet and greet and shake it and shook it and you know there's all those events going on and I have a warm-up set they give you a warm-up set on a 7 p.m. show warm up set so I got a warm-up set the theater show the TV the theater then back and then I'm home for two days before going to side splitters next week August 1st through the 3rd Tampa side splitters I know there's some gays some already bought their tickets so come to side splitters my August is a dream come true oh yeah when I get down when I get sad I just look at my August calendar because it is a miracle on ice yeah what a year you've had there fat man good years suck good years good year the worst uh Leslie Niels yes um Nielsen ratings that's not good side splitters August

1st to the 3rd the following week I'm at Denver comedy works August 9th to the 10th the following week at me comedy club August 15th to the 17th next week after that I'm off then I go to London August 30th and 31st so ho and big news I'm coming back to Bergen Norway the following week from that September 5th and 6th third time in Bergen in one year that's kooky so I'm going to be doing that so look out London Minneapolis Denver uh Tampa big dates go to comedian Joe list they're all up there get your tickets get them early for God's sake so it looks like we're doing well yes wow good spiel there Chachi and stream our albums put them on Pandora put them on Apple music put them on your own asshole put them on your back and soak it in yes please where you

going uh I'm all over the map I'm adding dates last minute my agent is such a shark that she'll just go hey you got a weekend free in July let's fill it up yes she's filling me up like a black guy an Asian lady uh let's see I got uh Kansas City added Charlotte comedy zone uh Sacramento punchline Denver comedy works uh Tacoma Spokane oh shit did my salad I had another couple fun ones going Tampa later uh Portland Oregon I'm forgetting a few oh Utah that's over shit oh man well look at the website yeah that's a lot and plus you just named a lot I mean yeah they're all up there so check it out folks I just added a new one that oh I'm doing Rooster Tees oh I love that club Rooster Tees love Heather by the way Heather the owner we got Rob she gave Sarah a jacket she's like you

can just have this it's mine oh and Sarah wears it all the time she's uh an angel from above I love that club and do anything for her she's married right yeah I believe so all right yeah she's a fun fun broad and uh yeah we're we're cooking we're cracking crack out get on the page on this full videos on the page right now you can see Shelby's face all the videos are up spread the YouTube spread it like butter yes yes we'll get some more clips up we just did a quiff so thing the wheels are in motion yes they are and uh keep looking out for stuff we'll have stuff popping up you're going to be on Canadian TV apparently who knows what's going on whatever that is all right yeah lick your aunt's foot and uh see if she likes it praise Allah and send us videos if you guys eating

each other up