Tuesdays with Stories! - #309 Bag Down

Episode Date: August 6, 2019

Hot damn, it's a hot Tuesdays as Joe calls 911 on a fist fighting couple in Tampa while Mark goes to Puerto Rico in the midst of political turmoil to see some cock fighting. Check it out! Sponsored by: Roman (GetRoman.com/Tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and full video eps! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy 19 20 21 22 big ones were underway and they're off hey come on the outside and then the transgender wheelchair on the right

side oh hey and the black guy with no legs Brian Reagan used to do that great bit he's doing that but I can't even do it because it's so good but he's like I don't have it about a bird for score and seven years ago my father's came across this nation really great he's very good you realize how many people are doing Regan oh yeah it's good it's at least seven not as much now for a while it was it was big time Regan oh yeah it's always somebody for a while it was Dane I created a term ADI another Dane impression that was back in like 0405 yeah yeah a lot of holding the mic like a like a rapper yeah and like the mic a

fucking a lot of this yeah arm business and then it did you and that people do it then it becomes like oh right I hate people that talk like that everything has an answer everything swings back around it's weird though because you see one guy do it you know that's Dane but for some reason people don't notice till eight guys do it hmm why don't you notice the first guy yeah I had depends on day a tell was a big one too that was still people do people do a lot of a tell burrs now this thing and I'll tell you one thing you can't piece of shit yeah there's a lot of people do that they start picking up that hand my

coordination yeah I feel bad because we're probably trash and people we know here yeah no no well I mean if they're offended that means they're aware that they're doing it if you're aware that's even weirder but I'm a little like I got I'm getting off the prilosec so now I'm getting on like I was on prilosec like three months you're not supposed to be on it that's like the acid reflux business because osteoporosis and boners or something so I'm off it so now I'm all I'm dealing with the it bounces back it's a little reflux reflux bounce back so you're back in the biz so pardon me if I'm a little gay over here

little gay it's a little tricky but hey it's good to good to be here we got a big day sorry about last week and the people liked it people liked it they thought it was okay I think I by the way I want to say thank you to one guy I one guy was criticizing my Auschwitz pronunciation and I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about and one guy yeah one gentleman wrote hey I'm sure you've heard this from 5,000 people and I was like I've heard it from zero I was saying ow switch out switch it's hit the switch but it's Auschwitz yes Auschwitz Auschwitz Auschwitz very close close I think that's why nobody corrected

everyone's like I don't know what you're talking about either no they know they like the correcting their cuts they want you to feel bad and they want to feel superior all you got to do is tell us the right way to say it you whores but I'm saying that one guy was correct it was only one guy because everyone else is like well I don't know yes he's a good guy so the one nice guy whether was the nice guy that said hey this is how you say it the other guy I didn't find so nice I found him just some adjective critical yeah what's the adjective douche crit douche critical yes but he's nice also and I appreciate it sometimes I feel

bad I'll criticize one of these fans and then they write back I'm sorry I didn't mean it I love you I'm a huge fan and I feel terrible right right well there's a lot of missed what do you call it through text calculations pronunciations mistress mr. Rogers carriage no it's like you lose some language you lose some community yeah it's tough you can't quite tell I got into a few people yesterday on Twitter this gun shit is so fucking like they're all ready to rock hate the guns and so it's like I treated a thing it wasn't even political they're just all assholes who want to just go yeah but what about the boom blah blah blah I hate

this what about is some horseshit the what about it makes me sick but I just tweeted I am I'm watching a I'm using picture-in-picture to watch two mass shootings at once yeah it's fun and then people like well what's the solution then it's I was like well what I should what about Chicago and I'm like I'm not even saying like guns I'm not even like this is go find someone that's going we need to solve just a joke first of all you don't think it's insane that this two mass shoes at the same time that's not fucking off putting or bizarre it's horrible what about Chicago yeah Chicago sucks too it all sucks it's fucking

terrible shut up shut up you fucking loser it's a fucking joke what's the solution then I'm like I have my solution is I'm tweeting a fucking observation you fuckhead yeah get the fuck out of here you fucking loser now I get it when you go we need to do this and somebody goes what do you think we should do and they go hey shut up yes you're like wait what I'm trying to help or they're annoyed that a comedian's writing this thing but I'm like this is like an apolitical thing I'm just I'm making an observation that it's we're in America there's two mass shootings happening at the same time yes and by

the way there's mental illness in other countries they're not having mass shootings haha it's a good point anyways that's neither here nor there but fucking depressing day yeah and there's a bummer and then our our pal Dave Kim Woods is stabbed to death stabbed to death stabbed in Jersey makes me want to fucking kill myself so I don't want to get into the whole thing I'm a little hazy on the story but he was the nicest guy I didn't know him that well but we were on the handshake hello terms and whenever I saw him he was always super sweet smile ear to ear and not a bad thing to say about him yeah it's it's

really fucking with me because you think that in life that if you you have this thing you know everything's fucked up and it's a godless horrible place on earth but you think if I just do the right things if I'm a nice guy I'm a good person I'm thoughtful I'll be alright this guy is stabbed to death in his home has two young girls just a sweet fucking guy always nice everybody loves him good dude just open to business and there's this old Buddhist thing that death makes a mockery of everything you've ever worried about or thinking about you think about like I gotta do the roof of my shingles are all but we

got the tack the liquor license means nothing he's just dead yeah right after the opening the stand is beautiful it looks so good it's doing well everybody's in good spirits what a what a horrible time and you just think that like I said you think that like good Pete there should be karma or some sort of thing it's all just it's all shit yeah I know a couple club owners I wouldn't mind getting see them getting shanked yeah exactly but Dave good guy sweet guy and it's crazy I just saw him in Montreal this is so weird Saturday night I think it was saturday it was Friday night as well as much where it was late I just

finished my show and I'm like I'm going I'm not done talking to everybody and I was walking home and he was like on the other side of the street and I just kind of kept my head down I don't want to talk to Dave just flew by that's my last image of him was being like let me avoid him I mean it's like not that I would have been like I love you Dave or whatever it's true but yeah he was Sarah's manager and we all went out after Colbert and had a nice dinner good guy good egg he was kind of removed a little bit in a good way yeah like all up in your shit and talking about the business he seemed just like a normal

dude yeah and sweet dad none all the photos and it was it I feel like I've experienced all the emotions of death of like just denial and then there's anger we like what at this piece of shit what a fucking piece of garbage yeah taking a life you're fucking scumbag piece of fucking cock cunt fuck yeah and then there's like just the sadness and the sweet and you see the photos and the posts and I keep thinking about and the worst part of the whole thing I'll wrap it up on this the worst part is the dying in the worst way in like complete fear and terror think about any time you and I have been scared sure turbulence

or whatever it is anxiety it's nothing paling in comparison to you're at your house all of a sudden you just see somebody in your house you go fuck and then just stabbed to death yeah and you're just dying alone and scared and it makes me sad and sick and angry all at the same time and I really don't feel like a podcasting quite frankly but we're gonna make it work we're making it work we're pushing through also kind of throws in the face of the gun law stuff is a stabbing yeah I don't I don't follow completely either just trying to change the subject all right everybody's like what about the guns well this guy

got stabbed so people suck yes well they do suck but a bunch of people got shot in 30 seconds yeah I think by the way that's shooting in Dayton they talk about it they were like it was only a minute luckily the cops were nearby and they killed him after a minute which is like sounds great but you're like a minute is a long time you think about the last minute of a basketball game right think about a minute like a lot of people think about why watch this watch this bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang that was four seconds and that was a pistol that was four seconds yeah like a minute is fucking the crazy amount of

time but anyways we got to move on and yeah but hopefully sad day people don't people don't die yeah it was fucking really depressing and it's hard it's hard to fucking get it up but with the show must go on as they say I'm having trouble getting it up as well well finger in the ass yeah yeah that helps I was banging a gal years ago Brooklyn sure and we would have one of these all we would go out drinking all night then we get just blotto come back bang all night and you know I might have been 28 but you can't bang all night after the booze is in there no and I would lose the boner and I remember I just I was

panicking cuz I didn't know her that well and then wanted to think I was some kind of chuch so I put my finger up her ass immediately hard oh you figure up your ass her ass wow yeah to me it's so hot and she was like yes a horse that you kicked I don't know what percentage of women like it but I think it's high I think it's more than 50 yeah well a finger I don't know people want a piano leg up there no no I think is a nice touch yeah that's the that's the topic a finger yeah I mean you don't want a baby leg in the air or a foot or a you know a tripod or a cactus I'm just looking at things in the house

Shelby's feet no I don't want that thing in there you got a nice foot Shelby what kind of foot you got I imagine you got a hoof arch nice arch that's sexy all right gold I don't think I could be with a woman with a flat foot I could do it I just like if she was nice I guess you have to be very nice but what is a flat foot give us see those flat feet those just did just flat I don't know notice it's like a pizza dough you'll notice all right I'm never looking down there no I'm always looking I'm not I'm looking head to toe I stop at the shin really yeah I don't like Asians shins are important too uh-huh it's all very important shins are

important I used to bang a soccer player in college me a quite a jock itch but she had crazed her shins looked like Rihanna's face they were just all knotted up and kicked and dented I don't know what this says about me but I don't I couldn't pick Rihanna out of a lineup I don't know what her face looks like beautiful I believe she's uh black Jamaican or Nicaraguan or those are those are different no wait what's the other one Bavarian cream pie no no Bulgarian no the the Barbados ah barbiturates yes barbacall Barbacell what's that that's what the uh they put the the combs in that blue

oh yeah vegesil vegemite that's the last time you thought about Kelly Fistuko gotta be 80s no I think I saw her on the the media she pops up on Instagram I really like Kelly oh good egg yeah sweet sweet Cal yeah Australia hello the current soda dated for a while if I'm not mistaken is that right no it's not right fun thing to say yikes well we'll spread that around I saw soda I was on the plane yesterday this is why I was watching Kirby enthusiast which I haven't watched in a long time that was fun fantastic program dove in there and uh always always gems just pearls lunch but uh I'm watching

it and then a diagonally across I put it on my insta story some guys watching billions I suspect and it's just soda it's soda and alec Baldwin what and then the whole day it's like a back and forth at a luncheon or a luncheonette whatever Baldwin I'm just the whole time I'm just looking and I'm just watching this guy's just watching one of my best pals it's so strange wild it's bizarre what time I was on a train the lady next to me was watching the louis special which I'm in and he's why he's on elbow and be like that's me right there I believe I'm in that as well she would have shit her pants but I didn't feel like elbowing and now he's dead now anyway so I had a guy watching uh I flew through flew uh jet blue mint you got a little nervous on this story

and uh it was the the roast battle remember the roast oh do I yeah that was hell six months ago yeah so uh they flew us mint to LA which is like the best cross country in the jet blue first class which jet blue started as class list that was their big thing but hey everybody shifts capitalism so uh which I like don't tweet me you fucks knife wound so jet blue flying I'm flipping through this HBO on there and I see oh the two dope queens uh that was one of my big epic bombs in my comedy career sure was and uh I look back this guy I see can he see his screen when I go pee or something and he's watching me on there and I almost wanted to go just turn it off just don't even watch it and he was I kept looking back never a smirk not a tee he not a ha nothing and I was like oh I just

sunk in my seat and I found some way to ruin jet blue mint yeah you gotta pull that mint blanket over your head and pretend that you're retarded or whatever he even did like the on the line we were getting in line getting our bags they don't even get out and he was like oh I saw you on the thing I was like yeah yeah and I but I had a good joke I go oh yeah there was a bomb on this plane oh that's fine I say I say I thought uh I see I was confused because I thought you were saying to him I have a good joke oh no I thought you I say I was a little confused that is a good joke it was a bomb in the plane I like it I waited till Atlanta you don't want to say that shit in midair I know they'll they take that shit very seriously oh yeah um I had I gotta tell you a

big tale a travel tale oh I got a couple tales well let me uh well I don't know where to start because we I still haven't done most of Europe and I got all of Montreal and I just had Tampa so it's all I don't know what's going on I got the PR and I got Worcester we got well we got two episodes to record it's all wacky but we'll get them all to you don't worry we'll hit some out there but uh I'll tell the freshest story first fresh prince I called uh I got to call 911 this week whoa that's always exciting a little 911 action wow I was driving in uh I was going to pick up a canner night one in in uh Tampa and uh he's at the condo I'm at the hotel that's nice and it really is this is the holiday in they moved it over to the holiday in is that better or worse

no cookies the double tree has the cookies I like the other boys they put me on cookies they just oh there was cookies there was cookies when I hear free cookie hotel I just think of the double tree now and they give you the little bag and the hot cookie yeah these are better because they're chocolate chip and they're just a big mound yes I don't have to bother I mean I'm gonna I'm gonna cook I'm just checking in they're like you've been here 20 20 weeks I'm staying away from the the cookies still to some degree I ate a cookie I ate a cookie there in uh Tampa PDQ you ever go to that place that's a hell of a business PDQ is a chicken place right next to side splitters chicken sandwich there's a little chain down there pussy dick and queef yes it's a

pussy dick queef chicken sandwich and that's pretty good they got a fried chicken sandwich a grilled chicken sandwich a Caesar salad a good chocolate chip cookie it's a hell of a business all right it's not you gotta hit it it's right next to the club oh and go in between shows I had one of the best weekends of my entire life by the way wow show wise probably the best comedy weekend I've ever had in my life I think I saw a tweet six shows I got partial standing o's at three of them partial partial impartial I mean small group just Tuesdays basically but that feeling of finishing a set and people shooting up no that is shooting up you know heroin yeah feet vulnerable I can't think of a word right now I've really been in the dumps a little bit here

what's the word when you're standing not literally figurative figurative I can't even think of figurative you got a good figurative finger her tits yes but anyways a partial standing every show was like magical kill it like I gotta I might put some on the patreon oh boy it's the hardest to ever kill it was like a black room last eight minutes it was like like ladies like elbow in each other and like panting doing the pantomime I got the vapors I mean it was really something else these shows what show what are you talking we'll give me the time in the day every show oh every I'm talking every show like Jesus the 6 p.m. Saturday one of the best shows in my life 8 p.m. was killing the 10 p.m. was like whatever it was good drinky the 10 p.m. it was

lighter and then so many they're good at getting repeat people they got that database they know who's seen you like I was recognizing it felt like that moment that like Louis talks about these people talk about before blowing up where it's like all of a sudden it's starting to be full everyone's like big fan with a line up afterwards it's not people just going I liked it if people go a huge fan love the love the podcast saw you on Netflix when we come into this last comic we come every year like that kind of thing means the world to me where you're like something something's cooking here we got something building the bread's horizon now the key is for all you listening out there keep telling people keep coming back it works if you work it so work it you're worth it

spread it like herpes yes fuckers spread it like a pair of butt cheeks fresh out of the shower oh like a grilled cheese sandwich sometimes I'll just I mean I don't know if my wife wants me to say this but sometimes I just go right before sex what's gonna have sex she's fresh out of the shower I'll say would you mind just getting the doggie style I want to eat you out from behind and maybe put my tongue in your asshole I did the exact thing two days ago it's not even like section I don't even do it I do it like matter of factly yes could you just do that I know I'll flip you back over we can have sex we'll get you off but I just feel the need to stick my tongue right in your twat and my nose and I love a nose and a fresh butthole it's all clean

all right out of the shower just because she's a she's a clean gal you know she gets in there she looks cleanly and I'm like I know it's not your scene but I just would love to have your ass right in my face if you don't mind and it's nice when they just kind of reluctantly go okay and they just get down on all fours you go I know it's weird but just let me have this give me 10 seconds that's all I need is a good 10 seconds a good just a smear a smush see I feel like when guys guys get a bad rap I mean sure we're shooting up malls and churches and stabbing people but that seems kind of like like like lovely to me yeah it's a small amount of people yeah but I wish that didn't happen and well we all do I mean yeah but yeah every every group has got some real

scumbags you know what I mean bad apples women men sure Latinos whites blacks I saw one lady post you know women have mental abuse too and we're not shooting anybody up and it was just funny to think like yeah we you don't need to tell us there's some mentally touched ladies out there yeah it's hard it just goes into like uh just divided into groups it's all men I know I hate the groups yes sorry the men but I mean some of it is like is hate crime should this El Paso business was just uh straight up like I'm gonna go kill some Mexicans yeah um but you know you get fed these lines that they're invading and raping you might fucking fire up some people that want to go kill Mexicans so yeah nobody wants to shoot the Asians no well they're not uh villainized

they're not told we're not told that they're invading us so uh or that they're rapists or they're taking our jobs even though it probably the higher percentage of Asians taking jobs from white people than Mexicans I would agree but uh blackjack dealers out there but uh anyways don't shoot Asians and uh don't shoot anybody or kill anybody just be nice and take care of each other and yes come to the comedy clubs and tell other people to do the same here here and uh vote uh anyways oh this is gonna be annoying Tuesday afternoon we'll be learning a lot of muting oh yeah fuck it but that's neither here nor there what a weekend at sidesplitters I had to call 911 speaking of people doing uh horrible things I'm driving down the street I'm going to pick up

canner right before the show and uh what do I see but a nice married couple walking up the street guys shirtless gray sweatpants young lady and uh they're kind of yelling but I couldn't tell they might just be communicating some people communicate that way sure they talk big and ah but uh sure enough big two-hand shove so the lady onto the man gave him a good shove and uh that's not gonna work out no you can't be shoving people and uh I don't mean to push but I'm being shoved as uh Eddie Vedder once screamed she pushed him or he pushed her she pushed him there was yelling I mean who knows what they were talking about but she gave him a good like a lane shove yeah get out and then shirtless and then he kind of stood there for a moment and was like oh no you

didn't and then he gave her a good shove and then she hawked a big loogie now I'm driving towards them so it's getting late it's like I'm zooming in and she hawked a big loogie right in his face which I think is hot as you know I would like a loogie in the face that would give me a heart on but in in the saw on the sidewalk though this is on the street into we're into the street now oh it's Florida so it's like that coarse shitty swampy grass yes but a nice shove back and forth then the loogie then he starts walking away and this is when I grab the phone like I'm ready to make a phone call here and then he stops turn she punches him he punches her and now we're off to the races and I just kept cruising along because I'm like I don't want because what happens is if

you stop and watch they turn on you they're like what's your fucking problem let's get and then that's a two on one I gotta speed away or whatever these aren't Asians no these are African Americans if you need to know for visualizing now you know uh but you know yeah so anyways I called 911 up on the telephone and uh I think they know the 911 operators they know that people are nervous about saying races yeah so she's like what's the race African American Asian white they go through all the options so you can be like this that one that one because they know no one wants to be like well I think they got a lot of calls being like it's uh guys he's got uh blue little swathsfers they got jordan's on they give you the options like a caucasian b african-american c so I said

and then uh they're fighting I don't want to say it here I'm terrified yeah we're all scared yeah this makes me nervous but anyways so they're fighting and then you ever call 911 it's not your emergency no I'm eating a bag I had a peanut butter bag I went to Whole Foods got a bagel and some peanut butter I loaded it up I'm all about the peanut butter bagel these days so I'm sticking that up my ass and my mouth is like full so I call 911 and I don't want to be one of these people because now all of a sudden you're a bad person if you call the police I know especially a whitey I know but it's a guy and a girl if it was two guys I'd go uh beat the shit out of each other but it's a man and a woman and uh you know men tend to have the advantage physically

sure which is fun because it kind of you know we have all these genders fluid and da da da da but when there's a guy hitting a woman I feel like it all goes back to caveman zero yeah you know that guy's strong she's not as strong he could hurt her like hey it's all up the window Amelia Earhart can blow me this lady's getting beaten up I'm gonna try to help her well I tell you she was fair and pretty well oh yeah she was really throwing some combos and spitting and the whole thing yeah so I call the police I call 911 she goes 911 what's your emergency and it feels weird because my mouth is full and I'm like I have no emergency I'm doing great I had the set of my life last night and I got him full about she's like peanut butter

she's like what's going on I'm like I'm eating a bagel here and she's like you're choking and I'm like no no no I'm just eating a bagel there's a fist fight in the street and she's like what street are you on I said I don't know what street I'm on I'm just driving I thought they can use GPS and shit can't they track the call that's Florida I go well I'm passing cover field street and she's like are you going north or south or east or west I go I don't know she's like well can you look at your phone so I'm trying look at your phone and I press the thing like I'm going east and she's like what's happening now I'm like I don't know I'm wiping peanut butter in the seat I drove away I don't know what the fuck oh yeah so I ended up picking

up Jason she's like all right we'll call you back if we need to go back which would be fun if I got 911 on the phone oh yeah what's your emergency kind of giving the good for the goose is good for the gander what race are you but isn't it exciting to show up and see the thing the state is known for yeah it's like a shirtless fist fight in the street if Hulk Hogan broke it up it would I would have shipped my pants you got that right brother but it's just it's like when you go to Paris and you see a guy with a baguette and a bidet yeah yeah and you're like I'm in Paris baby but that's what this was like but Florida I get it's like going to New Orleans you see a guy in a seersucker suit walking alligator going I guarantee yeah it's like oh we did it or Boston hey you fucking queer

yeah you see a nice you know you see me that's so funny I had a guy in New York I was walking down Soho whatever that street is Prince Street and this big old white guy these you know that old east village white guy who's grizzled his shit his hair's a little scraggly he's got fucked up clothes and he's going look at this fucking guy smoking a cigarette and I don't know who he's talking about or who he's talking to there's a million people out and then he walks through the street and the car goes and he goes shut the fuck up get the fuck out of here I'm like you're all this is all your fault but he had that all he had like a bag in his hand he's like oh fucking what are you gonna do about it and the guy was like it was like a lady in an Audi she was like and that was it but

I was like hey that was some New York shit it's exciting when you because you travel enough you start seeing crazy fun shit yeah and all I ever think is like podcast right like I see a couple like I think there's a couple fistfighting yeah yeah great great I got something for the podcast that feels nice I'm such a nerd that when I saw that this is sad that I remember this but the first thing I thought was me and Jerry walking together and be going ah that's a New York moment ah I'm such a daydreaming twat well you have I watched all the comedians and cars which was great the Broderick one was the best one and that the bridge never it was really something I told you man so bizarre dicey I was on edge I was like yeah I think he should let go of that if you talk to him

you should say I think it's time to let go I guess so I don't want to get in the middle of him and that guy no but he's really hung on to him it's 30 years ago and he chose to leave it in there yes they shot 12 hours and the thing 16 minutes long and three of it is him calling Bobcat a piece of fucking garbage I mean folks if you haven't checked out comedians in anal go to watch the Bridget Everett episode she's a cool cat but just the the the hate scene is wild yeah he wanted to get that out there and but I think I'm like you gotta put that bag down yeah which is funny because he said it to Michael Richards about the thing right yeah you gotta move on son you're doing all right there was another thing that he hypocriticalized in there but we'll get to that later all right

but the Broderick one was great but anyway you watch it I don't know if I was gonna say you watch them all and she's getting that comedians in cars mode yes and I'm walking around the city being like that'll be a fun place to go in wouldn't it be fun to walk in there like I'd like to see them in there yes because your mind becomes on that and you wonder what would he where would he take me what kind of car would he pick for me what kind of a clothing what I wear who let me tell one of the one of the defining moments in my career I was in Tampa by the way at the sides the other not the improv I opened from Mo Collins there it was supposed to be the Apollo but he got a big fight with the owner and they replaced him with Mo Collins her first headlining weekend oh

she's the tall Burnett I think so she looks a little bit like April Macy I think man a little ish cool gal yeah so we did that this is like this is 2008 I was with my girlfriend at the time 2009 10 years ago she was the best week ever gank you know like uh I love the 80s all that stuff mad tv was her big thing I think she was a cast member on mad tv she'll be confirming this you know her he's a mad tv you're a mad tv guy I disagree with that I mean you didn't hear she'll be just said everybody was into mad tv which I think that was true it might still be on the air true I hated it you hated it I didn't like the show no I didn't like a moment every six years well Shelby loved it maybe that's why you're not laughing at us anymore you're you like mad tv and

we're a goofy tv oh god Shelby is mad all right we got to get to the well I want to let me finish this but the Tampa thing big Mo big moment in my life I didn't want to tease that big Mo Collins I was sitting there by the pool my girlfriend at the time said I texted me and said I just don't see how you're ever gonna make more money than you're making right now which is fun wow you should see my bank account now you skank how about that you coos yeah fuck you I'm just kidding I should put that bag down yeah but anyways I was down there I had this big mo because I was reading comedy at the edge I love that book that's the other one there's the dying up here and then there's kind of the edge I like the comedy at the edge better so do I it's my favorite comedy boy that

one went that was the one that went comic for comic yes chapter was a comic which I preferred but I remember it's having a similar moment reading that I've probably talked about this before where I was reading that and I was like what will they all say about me what would this chapter be about me and I had this moment of like there's not going to be a chapter I'm featuring at the Tampa improv I got no chapter why would I be in there and then I thought I got to turn it around and of course I kept drinking for another three years but sure I had that moment where she was like you're never gonna make any more money and then I was reading that book being like why would there be a chapter right but now I feel like I might have a chapter it hit you did a new york

comedy book now there might be a chapter of course I'll take a chapter and we're only flying higher there fatty but we could just randomly be fucking murdered that's what makes me so bummed you're living your life you're fucking opening a club you're painting the house you got your kids you're picking them up and just boom like that it's over there's no more horrible there's no bouncing back there's no maybe he pulls through it's gone over never smile again he'll never look at a cloud formation again never smell the grass again he'll never flip his wife over and eat her asshole after a shower again there's only two things you can take from this one live damn it yeah right now while you're here and you could get stabbed on the way to the bus stop today and two hey if you

see a guy coming at you with a knife maybe hit him with a you know pot and pan well maybe he tried I mean I don't know you get overwhelmed that's what's so scary those final moments hey speaking of final moments guys Roman guys are terrible at taking care of their health as you know whether it's a knee injury a bad back or something worse I got a little bit of that now guys are usually more comfortable rubbing some dirt on it than seeing a doctor I'm guilty of it myself I do it all the time but though I do go to the doctor a lot and it cost me a ton of money a lot of money and I gotta I gotta do something better so you can do this you can go to Roman dot com that's what you can do a rectile dysfunction study shows 70 70% of guys 70% of guys who experience

ed they don't get treated for it that's a high percentage yeah that makes sense 70% they don't have it but 70% of the guys that do have it they don't get treated for it probably because they're embarrassed and they don't want to deal with it but fortunately now you can go to Roman is a one-stop shop where you can chat with a licensed US physician who can treat ed and it's safe and appropriate they ship medication right to your door mark wow love it yeah you can handle everything discreetly online all you have to do is visit get roman dot com slash Tuesdays complete online visit chat with a doctor and if the doctor decides it'd be safe and appropriate they'll ship genuine medication right to your door and discreet unmarked packaging guys go online

and get checked by the doctor erectile dysfunction is a problem that guys don't have to have any more but with roman it's simple so take care of it for a free online visit go to get roman dot com slash Tuesdays that's get roman dot com slash Tuesdays for a free online visit today yeah and do it go do it do it get that support the people that support the show I always hear Marin say that it sounds so good yes by the way check out Justin McKinney's episode of wtf one of my favorite guys love them is he the sponge bob no that's a Ted can that's Tom can Tom Kenny Tom cat and Bob cat aha that's where that's where Bob cat became Bob cat his Tom cat was Tom cat and then his Bob cat did it as a joke to Tom cat I see and then his stuck in his didn't well he just gave away

who the ranting was about how we talked about that a moment ago okay but Justin McKinney great comic he's from Maine and crazy story I didn't know I've known him for years and I didn't know a lot of his story speaking of death his mother passed away of a brain in years when he was six in front of him wow it's great it's a crazy story than one of the nicest guys ever and one of my favorite comics he's got that joke I always quote we said I was like he said I was so poor I used to have to order from the price of the menu instead of the item and it does a thing he goes I'll have the additional topping I one of my favorite bits ever great joke great comic he's on wtf so go listen to that and I got to see Marin in Montreal and I just started listening to the podcast like a

year ago and I was I was so into it I love all these music into the slash one the duff mckeg and all these sober ones the rock and roll ones and I got to see him I was like you're unbelievable so good yeah oh boy and I was like I'm 10 years late on this but I'm like that Paul McCartney one's incredible it felt nice to give a genuine like you're doing great oh good well he's not a real compliment giver so uh oh is that right oh he'll cut you down yeah he didn't give me much but he was he seemed appreciative and then we talked about it a little bit but I try to really tell people hey that was that was great I try to do the same it means a lot it goes a long way because we're all in our heads we're all a bunch of losers and pieces of garbage

so uh you don't know what's what's cooking in somebody's uh pot yeah I just want to say that too real quick and then I'll release the floor or whatever release the hounds or whatever you do but all these people in Tampa so many people came up and said the nicest thing they're so nice there's a chris uh I don't want to say his name but cct I don't know if you know him he's on instagram he's the sweetest chris and uh he's like a friend I've known him for years and he was so genuine and thoughtful and then there's this guy Thunder Rhodes on instagram who I love and he brought me a gift he gave me a book and Sarah some earrings and uh a bunch of people gave uber gift card chipotle uh not chipotle cheesecake factory gift cards I got a bunch of those and

so many nice people and they come by Judith and all these people I know him by name I'm like hey nice to see you and the gays it means so much the support means so much and to post it tag it put it out there spread the word spread your butter and it feels like it's taking so long here when you were a kid you go look at those notches on the wall and you go God I'm never gonna be three feet but it happens we're just gonna wait it out folks yes eventually we'll have regular sized dicks yes hopefully but it felt good it felt it felt like a weekend where you're like oh something's cooking down here in Florida it's cooking folks I gotta give a shout out to Brandon I'm not gonna say his last name this guy gave me a stack of chipotle cards it must be eight grand

he gave me a cheesecake for you wow a Starbucks for you uh he gave me that GoPro sitting on the wall there what I know it was a huge box he's a sweet man thank you Brandon I appreciate it big shout out you weren't it God love you thanks to all the gays that came out and Connie Chung gave me a nice card with a chipotle so I love sugar I met her there too good new england asian big fan that's her nickname speaking of big box Sarah and I will be in Denver this weekend so keep coming out and there's a cheesecake factory right across the street from the condo so I'll be using those gifts and uh let me know something to do in downtown Denver usually have a car I'll go hiking I'll go to Red Rock tell me some restaurants and some bike rentals or a museum something fun

because I've found this now I used to always be known as the guy who goes out and does things on the road yes but now we're headlining we have fans as people coming you gotta put on a show I realize now it's it's a little harder if there's one show you can go hike or whatever but those two show nights three show nights I'm like I can't go hike 20 mile I gotta fucking put on a show for these folks that's how I've always thought I never knew how you had the time to go up to the you know Gibraltar yeah so I gotta stay an extra day but we're gonna go to Manhattan Beach for a little one day vacation but that's neither here nor there so tell me about the big Europa yeah I thought you should go I've been talking about these people they hate me I've been talking about guns and

all right well you know who and put some ice on that silent re for a second all right I got some Europe though I got a nice story after so uh you know I've been burning the midnight oil and lighting the candle at both anals and all that shit so I haven't seen the lady I see her for like eight minutes a day she goes she wakes up goes to work at the crack of dawn and tills the field or whatever and I wake up at 11 and jerk off and then go right and go to the gym and do a pot so then I go do shows at night she comes home at night makes dinner she's sad she's she masturbates and then she goes to bed then I come home at 11 and she's like 11 that's an early night early night so I you know we don't really see each other and she was getting a little uh frosty about it so I said

you know what let's go on a big gate trip we'll do a whole weekend somewhere wherever you want to go we spun the globe and she goes how about Prague how about Amsterdam how about this and I'm like it's a long way it's an eight hour flight it's a nine hour flight we'll lose the whole weekend so then she goes well my brother has a condo in Puerto Rico wow this is golden I mean first of all it's a three and a half something flight same time same money no passport and your phone works you don't need a passport for Puerto Rico it's an American owned no kidding yeah so I go this is great we'll get we'll get a quick flight we're there the day of we'll get to see the whole day have the whole day we get the condo and you know just beach and it's cool because it's America

but it's not yes like New Orleans yes you got the coconuts in the palm trees you got some guy killing a boar on the sidewalk and selling the meat that it it's got no regulation so you can smoke on the beach if we fucked on the beach great time the condo is unreal this guy her brother's cleaning up he's a delta pilot lives right on the water beautiful view coffee every morning you know we had sex and hair I'm sorry Ben we really did it up just really Puerto Rico did up we had some Mofongo Fungo what's fun go no fun guy Mo Fungo Mo Fungo it's their local delicacy it's like some kind of plantain mash it's pretty damn good that sounds like a WWF wrestler that like gets to wrestle some big guys but loses it's Hokogan versus Mo Fungo when you're like come on right so here's the

clinker we land right in the clinker well here's a clinker give me a couple clinkers a couple clicks I like when there's several clinks we land and there's just like a buzz in the air Puerto Rico we go what the hell's going on I look at the news in the airport oh it's a big protest oh I thought that's gonna be a hurricane no the day it's like the day of the first or second protest and they hate their governor this guy's had a bunch of horrible shit about the the islanders and the locals and how they're all dumb and lazy and blah blah blah and they caught him on tape saying it and he's like this good looking guy and he's rich and he calls them all peasants and whatnot so they I like them what I sound like him yeah he seemed cool and uh so they hate this guy and every bar

we know we go to the the front desk at the hotel or the condo or whatever we're like hey where should we go what should we do and they're like oh you gotta go to this bar you gotta go to this town you gotta go to this area so we pop over and just bar hop the first night we kind of take it easy every bar show or bar tv is just on this guy and it's like riots in the streets we jump in a in a in an uber to get to this I guess old San Juan we're in San Juan and uh the fucking highways just bap bap bap kids are hanging out the sunroof with Puerto Rican flags who they're all drinking and this kid just goes does a fishtail on the highway stops all traffic oh my god gets out his car says puta on it what's puta I think it means motherfucker or a cum guzzler or pussy what is puta

shall we bitch puta yeah they're calling this guy a bitch the governor ah he's the puta he's a puta governor puta yeah the f word oh oh bag it is that what you're saying that's puto puto because it's masculine oh slut bitch slut bitch so oh so I don't know what's not saying faggot it could be like asshole puto okay it's it's negative yes it's negative derogatory yeah my apologies for so he goes on the highway now our cab our driver's like an old guy's like what he pulls over now the whole traffic is stopped another car pulls up and they're just having a party on the highway they got fireworks pew pew pew pew and we're like we're a couple whiteies we're a couple honkies in the soup we don't know what to do is I was like go around go around he's like I'm trying I'm trying everybody's

trying to back up a couple cars hit each other and then he kind of goes around these guys and they're just we just look back they're lining the the the median of the highway just with people they're partying they got coolers out there and dozeckies are they partying or protesting or bulls they're just they're just mayhem loving they're living it up like this city's going down we're gonna get rid of this guy we're we're we're in power now it's like godfather part two yes so we get to this bar and the bar is a buzzing everybody's out it's tango and moving and shaking all the women there are nice butted and good colored and they got that caramel color you know that was cash there also or just tango they do take cash thank god oh good you don't have to

change the money so I get to the bar on you I go give me a mediah that's their local brew uh-huh medango mediah yeah so I get a mediah we start slurping those down I get a couple tequila and then you hear some lady go and the whole bar shuts up the governor's on the tv and he's going blah blah blah spanish spanish spanish and he talks for about 12 minutes and the whole place is dead silent you can just hear slurps and farts and maybe a bee buzzing and then he goes and so and the whole place goes he resigned wow you were there for the resignation I was there it was never in history unprecedented no precedent not one so the place went crazy the bark tent is just lining up shots everything's

on fire headlocks punching in the gut and we couldn't care less wow that must be uh that's that's quite fortunate to be it just happened to be there when this big melon happens it was a mate we're in a dive bar in the middle of old san juan the place goes crazy people are out in the streets fireworks again the dogs are barking it was bananas and you know everybody's like are you sure you want to go to Puerto Rico now I'm like this is the best time to go yeah it's just a big party and we have no dog in the fight or cock in the fight foreshadowing and uh yeah so it's just so fun we're like wow this is the first night we got four nights to go it's gonna be great so you know we uber back and everybody's having a great time we bang on the beach we go to the

condo blah blah blah wake up get a good breakfast hit the beach all day and the lady goes you know cock fighting is legal here and I was like oh this is what's fun about her she's like we gotta see a cock fight oh wow not one of those girls like oh it's in humane sure it is but hey if you're here yeah I will soak it up she's not one of these girls that's into humanity no she wouldn't be dating me if she was boring yes by the way when I was in Mexico I saw the donkey show that's the one with the lady fucks a donkey yeah wow that's something yeah so I'm into the local culture and so we go all right well we'll get a nice din din and we'll go see the cock fight and I gotta tell you this cock fights all over like kind of like comedy shows that are like shitty but then

there's the seller of cock fights oh really yes we go there and uh it this place is kooky kooky bananas we show up it's like in a dome like a little mini super dome kind of like stadium and uh it's five bucks to get in there's a guy selling plantains and pineapples on the sidewalk just out of a table people are hitting him up like crazy papaya tamale tamale yeah I made that joke eight times she didn't get it and uh so we go in the guy what do you call with the wand you know I hit you with the metal detector want to say yeah yeah uh Rwanda and so we go in and it I have a photo on my instagram it's just a circular stadium kind of like lightly attended it's probably 20 people there probably seats 500 and just a little circular pit that's green and then these two cocks

come down on like a little conveyor thing and in two cages what and they pull one out and they they kind of hit it with like a stuffed animal like a fake cock and then they get it all riled up like ah like pushing the pump in the face wow and then they pull the other one out and then two guys a little rough around the edges guys these guys have been pecked a few times if you know what I mean and they hold them and then they go hide them in here and then the two guys the two cocks go out it's bananas wow and is that blood did they bleed and shit they bleed because they start they're kind of yellowy orangey feathered and then by the end of it they are beet red wow looks like an old period towel and these things and then eventually one wins and one just kind of

keels over and it starts pecking its eye out oh does it die it looks like it died I don't know it might be in shock but his eye was gone and you know you get like a leg twitch every now and then and that that's the part you're like all right all right all right Jesus but it was quite a show and we had a nice uh couple of tequila's after that and discussed it it's a romantic evening very romantic that's a lovely evening together exactly uh so then the next day we go paddle boarding now this is something this was a this is a pod moment we're going paddle boarding and we're in this like kind of little I guess what do you there's the ocean and then there's like a bridge and then there's like a weird pond from the ocean runoff okay yeah whatever you call that the pond

like in jaws yes the pond the pond we're across the pond quarry repond uh yeah ponds come so we there's a guy selling uh what do you call paddle boards she's she's like a huge fan of paddle boards so we go all right gotta give us a little lesson super fun super easy nice casual day helps cure a hangover and so then she's paddling kind of distance with the current and she goes I miss you she's yelling from across the pond sure and I go all right so I start paddling towards her and then we get down in the water we start making out and then we just hear whoosh and I was like oh what the hell was that because it was over my shoulder and she goes that was a big gray fin and I was like what so we boat shimmy wreck right back on the boards

and now we're freaking out like uh I lose my sunglasses but I didn't care I didn't know what it was and then we see another fin again and we're like holy shit I'm talking fin like I don't know two two and a half foot wide fin Jesus huck fin yeah and it was a big uh n-word gym it was a big like uh just a cascade you know cascading fin yes and so we're like what the fuck is that what kind of town is this there's no rules and no regulations I'm going off you know and we swim back to shore manatee they're local in that area they're they're uh prevalent over there yes like Key West not far from Key West not far from the west no kidding wow well that's not too bad because they're not too dangerous I don't think they're like whatever they're extinct almost

and they're fat a couple of putos sea cows they call yes great gaffigan bit is that his bit that's an old bit yeah he's like that must be so insulting call them sea cows like I have a vanity by the way have you seen the trailer for his new movie it looks unbelievable it's called American Dreamer never it looks amazing he plays he's like poor so he kidnaps a baby is he the the heavy he's like he's the heavy and he's scary he's like the bad guy why he looks like it's unbelievable wow all right gaffy movie looks so good he made it he's doing pretty good all right so we get it we had a good spook with the manatee we hug it out we go that was a fun time I lost myself uh sunglasses sunglasses my shades are gone so then we start talking to one of the local kooks and he goes oh you guys if

you're here you gotta go get a car this guy's hammered he's like get a car go out to the outskirts because the island's only a hundred miles long the whole thing yeah it's a little old guy yeah so he goes go out there it's kooky it's like thunderdome and get some kayaks and swim through the mangroves oh I love a mangrove I don't know what a mangrove is it sounds very similar to Key West yeah I guess so I have mangrove is my idea for a gay bar in Key West because they they're big with the mangroves you can go ride through the mangroves and stuff and if you ever do that Key West gig Tom Dustin will take you there but I think it's a perfect gay bar yeah mangrove yeah it should be persongrove but hey so we go out there we rent the car it's

like 80 bucks a day we get a little piece of shit Nissan note and so we're high tailing out there and it just you know it just changes it's so lush and there's mountains and everything it's crazy because you're right next to a pizza hut slash taco bell you drive for 20 minutes and you're in you know Vietnam it is wild so we're just what driving driving all of a sudden I'm on the highway lady goes by on a horse oh just like an intersection I like a lady on the horse just a hot lady on a horse no saddle by the way bear back oh it was wild I was like where are we I felt like I was in you know Shangri-La maybe she's gonna do a horse show oh baby horseshoe she was a whore so we keep going we get down to this little spot and it's called like eco bay or

something I can't remember and I parked the car it's like kind of bumping grinding over there and they're so nice to tourists because I guess the money's coming in so they see you they go oh hello hello a park right here a guy moved a cone for me it was crazy and we show up they put a jacket on you and you go out and I it's all of my Instagram you you get on the the kayak she's in the front by the way there's a lot of tards out there on these kayaks like some mom daughter teams it's like grandpa and son and they're all bumping into each other and we're going get out of our way you retard and we retards yes and we we find our way and it's mangroves that that go over like an arch yes you go through it and the sun is setting and it was spektak yeah that gulf of mexico or

whatever that's gulf of mexico right or the Atlanta whatever it is it's all spectacular down there beautiful it's a great big beautiful world it really is and it was uh it's 50 bucks for the whole thing you know and uh there's fireflies in there and there's crabs and owls and little snakes and just a great time and then they do a twist a roux on you they they let you watch the sunset they go go the guy the lead guy goes go watch the sunset it's beautiful you make out take some pics and then he goes there's these things in the water that when you fuck with them they light up really like a firefly of the sea huh forgot what they're called and uh so he goes put this tarpoy we all gather together our kayaks he puts the tarp over and we start squishing the water and you

can see them oh that sounds amazing little diamonds just in the water we're like whoa so then he goes alright we're gonna wait for the sun to go down we're gonna go back through the mangroves and watch your paddle because the whole water's gonna illuminate because you're pissing them off wow so now you're under these mangroves the big arch the the lush the water there's no light except for the guy at a little helmet light in the lead and then you just see the water light up I mean it was unreal that sounds magical it was magic wow Johnson so we get back out we go wow that was great do we smell like shit we go eat some fucking uh fish caught right out of the water we drive back water fish water fish and we uh we go home and that was it so good to be back that was one of those I got back

to New York on a sunday and I was like I gotta I gotta like regroup I don't know how to do comedy I don't know what New York is like I've just been on a kayak looking at fish lighting up yeah you gotta recharge and that's the thing like I've been gone so much I was talking to Greg Stone about this I thought I came up with a good analogy because we were saying like you're not fully recharging until you're in your own bed right that's like a real cuz like in a hotel you're like I'm gonna sleep in today but you're still in a hotel and my analogy is like it's almost like a like a phone charge you buy it like 711 it'll charge but it's like it's off and on it doesn't really fit it takes forever it's not a real charge I like it your bed is like the charge that comes

with the phone right it's the factory boom it's got that good click yes the hotel bed the somebody's couch that's like the the wire is a different color than the square you're like I got a blue square and a black I don't know what the hell I'm doing right in a racial yes all right so uh we gotta we gotta you got a quickie I gotta wrap it up I thought that if I have a quickie here I mean I got a whole bunch of shit for the other thing and let me get on my knees and eat my ass let me let me see a quick uh okay all right I'm looking at lists Auschwitz I didn't even talk about that that's a whole thing oh I want to hear about the the camps uh I don't know what I told and what not I can't even remember anything planking and then you guys dancing in the street oh yeah yeah oh god I can't

I don't even think I can start any of this I should just get into I we should just start saying our goodbyes then it'll take 10 minutes all right all right by the way Greg Han texted me he's not 59 I talked about him last week he's like oh I'm not 59 he's like he's spelt my name wrong I think I bummed him out he might be a gay now though a Tuesday all right is it h a h n h a h n I think and he's he's only 37 or something 37 no that's how old I am it looks terrible how about this I was not playing the other day they came on well I'll tell this later I'll tell this later but one of the nights uh someone said Michael Bolton was in town while we were in Bulgaria wow and uh we're in Bulgaria it was Louis CK was at one venue and Michael Bolton at the other

that's the hell of a sentence we're in Bulgaria Michael Bolton was in town and we were out to dinner it was me and Greg Han and Keith Robinson and Louis and they came over and the guy was like the waiter comes over he's like I brought you free dessert he's like blushing and sweating and he's like and Louis kind of shy oh thank you thank you and he's like we're so thrilled we can't believe it Michael Bolton is at our restaurant they thought they thought Greg was Michael Bolton oh that's amazing they look kind of similar do they yeah a little bit I mean if you think because you're in Bulgaria so like there's only six Americans in town one of them happens to be Michael Bolton and he has a bit of a way about him and we're like we're ordering a bunch of food and steaks or whatever

but there was definitely a moment where they were like they're all like peeking and pointing and you just assume it's Louis like oh they're all I even said I'm like here they come wow here they come for you they thought he was Bolton and Greg I would have just gone with it because they were so thrilled and he's like I'm not Michael Bolton and they thought he was being modest like no no you're Michael Bolton and then I was like sing a little tune give him a little one man love a woman oh that's great and he's like I swear to god I'm not and he took his license out and I felt bad because he kind of like ruined their night yeah what are you doing they were like oh shit no Bolton all right sorry sorry rip the dessert back but they got they they hooked on our food which I was into yeah

but that was exciting that was fun but I feel like we should start to wrap up and next week you're gonna be fine if I just teased Europe forever yeah and Montreal and I got more Tampa but we'll go get into it more I got a couple things for the next one but can I just say a guy tweeted that many goes hey by the way no one listens to your dates which I don't know if that's true because I've gotten people going hey I heard you coming to Spokane well I mean hopefully they listen because we make it funny we always add shit at the end also he might be right because a lot of times people go I didn't even know you were in Tampa I didn't know you're here the club this is why I was so happy with Tampa they're so good at letting people know they're

like this people came like all these people came that aren't even Tuesdays they're just fans from whatever it should be the club's responsibility a little bit you know the club kind of starts banking on like oh stevo's coming we'll sell out yeah but then when uh sam maril comes they go yes sorry it's not full you should have promoted more he's like well we're I'm not stevo yeah you help and it's your business listen to our dates because we're comedians this is for fun we get together we fuck around this is whatever ah I'm a fucking comic for god's sakes that's a good point if people forget that we're putting more effort into the stand-up than this oh yeah way more well but anyways this weekend big weekend I hope they're listening keep listening we're gonna add

some fun at the end I'll be at Denver Comedy Works this weekend two days from now Thursday Friday Saturday Sarah's coming out with me I'm doing a sit at the comedy store on Monday in LA but that's just whatever and then uh next week Acme comedy club I want to sell some tickets there because uh I've never worked there I've never headlined there I've been working there for years but uh august 15th to the 17th and then soho theater in London it's coming up august 30th and 31st and then I'm doing Bergen again September 6th and 7th give me the details Christopher would you yes I'm doing that and then a bunch of dates in September I keep forgetting to plug them I think it's Omaha Albany and then Thanksgiving weekend at Laugh Boston get those

tickets early oh yeah Laugh Boston Thanksgiving weekend Burlington Mass I'm coming I mean I'm Burlington Vermont not Burlington Mass Hartford funny bones September 26th through the 28th and uh laughs in Seattle October 4th and 5th skyline and Appleton October 11th through the 12th that blue room we talked about there oh yeah I'm on that and uh Burlington Vermont October 24th to the 26th laughs Thanksgiving weekend yes good good dates good clubs good comic good to meet you I'm gonna be at the dead crow they they got me wow I haven't been there in years I haven't either I'm I'm excited to go back dead crow that's in Wilmington North Carolina then Comedy Zone in Charlotte I'm all over the Carolina's I'm with a fat Chris Al he's got some fun new stuff come out to Charlotte

tell a friend Indianapolis here we go baby at the helium tell some gays Denver right on your heels there comedy works and Denver then I'm in LA doing some fun podcasts I'm gonna headline the belly room on the 25th I'm doing killed Tony I'm doing uh the La Jolla comedy store I believe so a lot of fun fun nights in LA so come check that out I'll post all that shit where uh where I'm gonna be then we're gonna be at the punchline Sacramento I'm all over Cali baby Sacramento that's a lot of good people out in sack come see me Dallas at the improv in Addison then I'm in uh the okay see Oklahoma City doing the Paramount Theater this should all be on my website my uh web ladies a real space anal then we're gonna do riverfront bar and grill and chess chessening

Michigan doing a cancer benefits if you live in Michigan make the drive the first show is already sold out so come on out Austin Cap City and Acme in Minneapolis Spokane and Tacoma Roar in Springfield Roostertea feathers and Sunnyvale side splitters in Tampa and Portland and the blue room as well in Springfield Mazzur so come out please come bring a hug bring a smile bring a laugh and we'll bring the funny yeah cheesecake factory so nice thank you appreciate it love it thank you guys we're really uh we're grateful we appreciate it and uh yeah and be nice the world's in a weird place at least the country is praise Allah we'll see you in hell