Tuesdays with Stories! - #311 Hand Fan

Episode Date: August 20, 2019

It's another corker of an ep as Joe has uncomfortable sauna experience while Mark heads to a Yankees game with the whole Comedy Cellar crew before drunkenly buying a moped. Check it out! Sponsored by: Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays) & Native (nativedeodorant.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for bonus eps and full video eps! www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy we're back and Joe and mark also that's true we were there we're very old we moisturize yes I'm not a rib you gave a rib I don't really know the whole thing

those ribs involved I got nothing on the Bible everything I know is just from bits and movies more of a Torah man yeah I don't care about the Bible I guess it so what how did it work there was just out of there was just there all of a sudden poof I think God made them and he made two idiots they were naked then he made an up snake and as an apple apple computer so how did they get there I mean this is a real chicken in the egg or whatever I think God just you know did one of these they and then he rested for some reason so why was he so lazy why did he break everything then just two people why not start with 40 people a

hunter and a gatherer you know a nester yeah yeah and why not why weren't they allowed to bang you know they were a lot of bang well that was the whole thing is temptation temptation and then they eat the apple and fuck I thought they banged and then had a kid and then that kid is that Jesus that's what's weird to me no he was immaculate that's what's weird to me is that it doesn't seem like it's all incest if it started without him and Eve wouldn't they have to have a baby and then wait like however low like 11 12 13 years before they can fuck and then have a baby like they're two kids fuck and then they have a baby like it feels like

it would take a long time who is the baby fuck the baby fucks the other baby they're gonna have multiple babies I think yeah I didn't hear about any other babies I didn't about the one baby I don't know I don't understand someone's gonna have to write to us but the whole thing seems funky yeah anybody who believes in it's gotta be a retarded person but then even evolution like how did that start like we had the first monkey come from well they came out of the water was a fish is that right and then the fish got legs and then it kind of crawled out and then he fucked a rock I don't know is like Chernobyl type of

thing yeah pretty much you know they just then the fish got legs and then he I guess it's all pretty wacky I remember JFK in an interview one time said we came from the sea yeah he was like we came from the sea but then he's a Catholic so he must believe in not just evolution he might just be talking about the Cubans or immigrants I don't know he said from the seas like cuz he loves the ocean we gotta go back into the sea because we came from the sea right right what's the sea exactly the ocean is the sea the sea is the cunt oh yeah and it came from come yeah seas yes you see inside of the sea see me later yeah you put a t in her

and then thumb that was the worst on the the test when you you said what'd you get on the test I got I got a see me oh I never heard that one that's good that's that's a save by the bell joke but I got that a few times I got the see me meaning like you you're so bad at this we need to talk about see me after school yeah or you banger mmm that'd be nice the first time I ever came someone to say oh I did Remy Remy's podcast what is their last name cashmere is a cashmere cashmere cashmere I think there's an I in there the certain names that you just know by the writing but you don't know how to say that's always weird yeah I got a few of

those like Ida Rodriguez is another one I wasn't sure if it's Ida Ada it's weird when you just know these people and then it becomes like I've known this person too long to ask the pronunciation right at least that one's like Spanish there's another one some you can't Google either yes you could Google names that would help me mmm like the pronunciation oh I see there's somebody else that was just thinking about that I'm like I don't know how to say their fucking name mmm oh it's somebody who who is I'll think of it later I'm dead air here but anyway that's fine it's nice having a nice Joe list yeah two syllables the worst is

when they you can't get the name right they go what are you a bigot like no I just don't know how to say your name this has nothing to do with hatred yeah you know they go oh yeah yeah yeah we mispronounced that I don't know how to say contoya good okay maybe it's something yeah but anyways I don't understand religion and where were we at again all the religion how can you believe you just were born a certain way how do you know if that's the right one that's what I never got yes you grow up in muslim town you go hey I guess I'm a muzz yeah it's very bizarre the whole thing is

weird but I have a spiritual guy you know I look for things and I like to jerk off or whatever yeah that didn't make sense I don't believe in ghosts though I think no anybody believes in ghosts I feel like I'm better than no I got in a thing I talked about this on stage this weekend a little bit and people get serious about it there's certain people I think a lot of people like no no my grandfather talks to me they like it great and then there's a weird thing is there's people that believe in ghosts that don't want to see a ghost and there's people that believe in ghosts and want to see a ghost that's true that was the

thing I asked on stage they do a joke about a ghost and then this one woman was like I want to see a ghost right so I was like I don't want to see a ghost I was like well I got great news for you and bad news for you right you ain't gonna see a ghost yeah I like ghost stories I love like the comedy stores haunted I love a haunted situation that is good a nice spook and creeped out you know a spooky thing you know New Orleans is all very spooked out yeah I like the spooks we like Halloween I like I love Halloween I like to get spooky I'll tell you though this is this is bad I'm gonna just admit something my mother

is calling me on the phone here Sarah and I watch on Showtime if you have access to Showtime I do they do a shit there's a show called Active Shooter and they do an hour on a bunch of these mass shootings Columbine you know Lubies that one in Texas there is Lubbys level I know there's one at a rest a cafeteria that was the biggest one ever in 1991 or something at that point love these are Lubbys or anal or greasy grease I don't know something I love lube by the way best thing I've ever involved in my sex life what took us so

long to lube up I don't know I mean like and the pussy the vagina if you will sure it lubes itself up you can lick it and put a thumb in her butt whatever but you buy a CVS lube and just squeeze it in there it's a different situation game changer I mean it's like a transmission you got to keep it moist you gotta you gotta put it in there and by the way a one bottle this big you can take it on an airplane and it lasts me a fucking three years oh yeah I got it as a wedding gift from my grandmother and it's still going I mean just a little dab will do you it doesn't cure all though being the gal been trying to

do the back door and that is a needle I cannot thread you've been trying on ongoing thing we've used a couple of transmission oils and cooking oil and coconut oil and baby oils now let me ask you what kind of dumps does she take does it open up the other way she's like I think she's a real squirty dumper oh really so she's got a even the opening has never been stretched by a big brown turd boom boom because it's a different stretch because one it's like it's designed to right that's I'd go out there I don't want to sound you know homophobic because you know I'm pro gave a very staunch pro gay sex record in fact

I got a story about the thing oh but I think scientifically the butthole is not designed to have things going inside of it I agree I designed to go outward yeah it's supposed to I think it opens in a certain way it's like a you know sewer or something something what opens one way a hatch a hatch maybe a gay hatch I don't know I feel like the mouth doesn't meant to have a dick in it either but we'll put them in it ever now in there but a mouth is meant to have things go into it good point like you are supposed to put food and a dick is not supposed to be in there right but I shouldn't say not supposed to be but it's not designed

right Lord knows I've had several dicks in my mouth guilty but that's how I got you to do the show but any who's our first story but yeah what was I going with oh yeah gay lube love all love the tickets on the shooting shooting I'll shoot the mass shootings showtime this is I have mixed feelings because every night the hotel in Minneapolis had on demand you could like had showtime on demand in the hotel it's pretty sweet so we started watching this active shooter which is a great show they go through everything and it gave me the thrills and the chills and the spooks that's a good show then it's a good show but I'm like

I'm part of the problem like I'm like I want to know more about the shooter I want to know the psyche I want to know his name because they're like don't say his name and because it makes and I agree it makes them want to set the world record and it gives someone to aspire to right but I'm part of the problem because I'm like no no I want to see his name I want to see his mugshot I want to see videos of him I'm fascinated by it and this is where we're at for entertainment I need like a surveillance camera surveillance footage of like the nightclub the Orlando nightclub he was in the bathroom with the victims for like

hours it's fucking crazy yeah he was like hiding in there with them and then they had like blow up the wall and it went to like 4 30 in the morning the cops didn't go in it's it's insane what he just happened to be involved in another shooting what he shot no no he's a shooter and he locked himself in there situation I'm thinking a level so they're like shot and bleeding and he's in the fucking bathroom like this 911 calls I'm like I can't even like sleep I'm watching it being like oh my god this is amazing like how can fucking Richard link later compete with this footage of course of cool like it's like a

whispering 911 call why did they beat him up there's no I guess he had a rifle a lot of them are shot they're terrified he's gonna go but I did have a moment where like he was reloading and I'm like that's how they've now come up with this thing since that like mass shooting you're gonna run hide fight those like your three options so if you hear him stop shooting with a gun jam like Aurora the gun jam yes if you hear that jam you got a fucking go with a with a pump you know a full heel and whatever it is that choking them hit them kick them sure but they were in there and they had like pull out the air condition they're

like 911 they're calling 911 like push out the air condition the whole thing it's crazy wow he's in here oh my god I got the chills it's insane it's the thrills and the chills and the spills then I started going Wikipedia I was reading about the 1984 McDonald's shooting which was in San Diego which was the deadliest now that was like the deadliest at that time well it was before videos and stuff I guess but anyways that one the 911 dispatcher sent the cops to the wrong McDonald's they all went there and they're like there's nothing happening here it's probably fake and then so nobody knew that there

was no locking down the perimeter so people kept arriving there was three 11-year-old boys rode their bikes into McDonald's and just get shot with an oozy the guy had a fucking oozy and then they just go there cuz they're like I'm gonna go get a burger and it kept happening cuz they didn't lock down the perimeter and shut it down it's wild a McFlurry of bullets exactly but it's a real bad situation I'm like this is entertainment like I'm addicted I gotta watch another shooting well it's like the gal every gal I know loves the true crime yes because it's fear fear is fun and it's real you know it's real yeah so

there's some spooky creepy shit but nothing more than a surveillance of fucking James Heskey or Hanley whatever the fuck that guy's name was not matter James what was his name? Holmes James Holmes in Aurora. James Holmes. It's creepy and he's at the movie starts and he pretends to take a which I thought was kind of I don't want to say funny but he pretended he sat in the front row and pretended to take a phone call to go outside and get the guns I'm like did you need to fake the phone call like anyone would have been like they saw him leave like that's a shooting everyone run like they would just be like this guy's

weird the phone call is actually more suspicious right that's funny it's like when you do something weird and you're whistling you're actually giving more attention oh yeah you never see people just whistling that aren't doing something you really don't yeah that's the worst way to look casual anyways let me tell you speaking about gay sex and dicks in the butt please I'm wet classic formula here I'm at the steam room on I forget what day was last Wednesday doesn't matter you tease in these men you're like bait I like go to the steam room well here's this this is quite a tale here so I gotta sit up for this one

because I'm gonna get a boner you got a pillow yeah I'll put it on my lap when the time comes all right when I come so I'm going there's the steam room area at my gym there's a steam room hot tub shower area and it's divided that divides the locker room with a little door so I'm walking to the door from the lockers to the steam area and I see a young very tall sexy black man just just dark chocolate chiseled one of you know a real specimen of black Donis yes of human work put a lot of work on that body you know oh yeah and we're arriving around the same time so I get to the door I open it I say after you and we make this I

can't he gives me an eye and I know the eye like a real oh real sexy I real like I kind of glazed over fuck I yeah and he went thank you and they did annoy like a as he passed and I was like oh boy this is a this is something happening here this is a situation we're both in towel oh keep your towel now I've gotten in some pretty good shape myself so I'm no slouch here a little flattered this is a nice piece of chocolate hitting on this vanilla bean here oh quite flattered and we haven't even gotten to anything this is just a little sprinkle of a foreplay little business yeah so I open the door I let him go he says thank you and in a

sexual voice and he does it as he passes and I am flattered I don't get a lot of mmm sure take it in I don't know that I've ever gotten yeah well maybe you get served on by a fat black woman at a cafeteria may like a mm-hmm yeah that's only that's only that's two syllables I got one syllable good point mm-hmm there was no mm-hmm right no follow so I go through and now the steam rooms to my right so I take an immediate right now I have to cock my body to the right and as I cock I got a peripheral situation I see him he's got a full turk he's got no cock he's got a big cock yeah that comes into play but he's not cocking his body

he's just doing a full head turn oh man you're in so I see out of the peripheral his head turn and I go okay this is something's going down now so I get in the steam room I take my space and there's a big fat Latino old guy sitting over there thank God as a buffer exactly I need a buffer Michael buffer let's get ready to rumble so he sits down and I'm sitting there and I know I know I know sex I'm no sex guy but I know that feel it I know the dance and I'm thinking this guy's gonna be in here momentarily the art of seduction exactly so I'm sitting there and about baby 90 sex and passes and guess who strolls in his old

big blackie and he sits right across from me and now I'm like I gotta say I now I feel what it's like to be an attractive lady sure because I'm uncomfortable because I'm like I don't want to have sex with this guy I'm flattered he's very attractive but I don't want to fuck this guy now almost immediately big fat Latino gets up and leaves I was grabbed him by the skirt and pulled him back in I'm like where you going and now I feel like a lady who's like who wants a buffer you come with me this is guy he's a creep right I gotta go get paid but can you just be on my side he wants to fuck me that's what I

feel I'm like God someone come back in here so now we're one-on-one and now this is where the dance really begins oh god I'm nervous he sits down now he's got a foot with both in towels and I I have my legs relatively together and I have the towel tucked down sure and that's not homophobic or anything that's just out of respect I find a penis to be a little vile it's vile and you just don't people seeing your dog maybe it's a private part it's for the benefit I don't mind people seeing my dick I show my dick to everybody alright but you know thumbprint whatever warts the whole thing I'm not ashamed but I just people

don't want to see your dick so I cover up but he I look over his knees are like they're like LA in New York they're not even there's a whole Midwest in between them how was that Chicago well it was the Sears Tower so he's got it up there then he takes his towel flap and it's tight he starts doing this he's walking his cock he's doing a cockwaf this guy's bold he's bold and beautiful I might add so he's doing a whole cockwaf and now I know what's go I know the whole situation here and I'm going eyes closed but they're open slits because I usually go I don't want to act like I'm not noticing this

but also I want to make sure nothing's getting too crazy sure but he hates a slit but I think he's seeing my slits and thinking that I'm peaking because it peaking he's peaking but I'm not I'm not peaking for the reason he thinks I'm peaking yes peaking duck so I'm doing this for the folks at home the patreon I'm doing like kind of that thing you know half-eye situation smart move yeah and he's doing that and then all of a sudden so nothing no one nothing's being said he's just doing a wafty then the steam stuff you know the steams for a while and stops and then steams and stuff so during the stop he

goes oh I think it I think it stopped and I don't say anything to that because there's nothing that you need to react to and I'm just kind of pretending I don't hear or whatever and then the steam comes back on and then he says louder now he's saying it to me he's like I thought the steam had turned on but he's got like and I'm not trying to be shitty when he's got a gay voice sure I think the steam turned back on like that he sounds like that yeah and I go oh yeah something now I gotta react because he's now speaking to me so I gotta go yeah yeah sometimes I thought that too just kind of like fumbling and now maybe he

thinks I'm nervous because I'm kind of like oh boy yeah well I never because that's how I would respond if it was a hot woman I was wanted to have sex with like oh well I don't know what to say cuz that's how you go yeah so then he says that and then I gotta try to get the order right then he he reaches over and he says I'm now shaking hands in the steam room is not a normal activity no contact and now it's quite a reach it's a decent size probably where this wall is so I gotta reach oh Jesus he's full reach now we're shaking hands we're touching and which is feels doesn't doesn't every name sound gay when it

comes from a gay person I said my name is you know Mark I'd be like oh what a gay name yeah I think it just sounds gay it's so true I don't know any straight also the S doesn't help the ice sick yes but then I thought about your dick you don't know your kids gay when they're born so you don't give it a gay name yeah that's true but if he had been like my name is Joseph I would have been like gay name yeah yeah but anyways that isn't that could be a bit maybe I like that but I am flackered by the way he's a sexy man like fuck it it's not you know Yana's Papa's over here this is like a it's a black I'm picturing Tyrese who's

Tyrese he's a hot Afro by the way I picked Yana's he's pretty sexy too I should have gone with someone ugly I should have gone with you know Ralphie May or yeah Ralphie may Ralphie gay haha yeah yeah yeah this is pretty hot actually yeah he's a hunk of Brooklyn hunk at the beard the thing Greek yeah Greeks and anal I think that's they invented it but anyways so I shake hands with Isaac then I sit back and then a moment passes probably maybe some dialogue then he goes my legs are burning so he moved because the steam is right behind him so now he moves closer now he's one empty seat away like where

you are oh god now to be fair that seat your legs do burns like oh yeah that seats brutal and I don't want to do now again I feel like a woman I know I don't want to do the thing where I'm like well my wife I'll tell you about my wife and because then they can go whoa whoa whoa what about I'm not trying to do anything I feel like I really can empathize with women because I'm like I don't want to I understand women end up fucking people they don't want to fuck like you're about to yeah so he sits there and then he says how often you come to the steam room and I was like oh pretty often when in town I come here a lot I

love it I'm nervous and I'm like it's much better than the sauna I'm like I really feel good I feel relaxed after and he's like he's not saying much he's just going mm-hmm dead-eyed contact really looking at me and he goes but how much how often you come to the gym and I was like pretty often goes because you're very cut and you look for and he's doing like a reach it not quite a touch oh my god very cut and and really ripped up looking good and I'm like oh thank you very much and then he goes and he's like I'm too hot he does like a hand wait the gay hand fan yes hand fan and then he goes all right well he's

like I gotta I gotta get out I gotta step out and I go I take care good to meet you uh-huh then he comes back like a moment later yeah back in so now we're sitting there again and his is foot very close to my foot and we're just kind of chatting a little bit then he leaves again I go all right take care and I'm like all right he's gone for good now so I sit there in the steam I enjoy the steam a little longer I come out of the steam and he's just sitting right there legs still spread with the wafty dick he's just been sitting outside like waiting for me and I go oh because this the sauna is right next to the steam

room and you have to like there's three steps up the sauna thing so now he's just sitting on those steps and I go oh hey you're still here and he's like mm-hmm and then I walk to the sink to kind of splash my face and fill my water bottle good and when I turn from there I noticed he's looking at me from like 10 feet away jeez he's just watching me through the thing so it's a real it's a scene it's a real you know hunt yes yes you're the prey I'm being preyed upon but nothing you know nothing he's not me doing me or anything he's just doing the dance yeah he's letting you know but I'm not so interested in dancing so I went

back and got dressed and when I'm dressed I walk out and he's still sitting there looking at me and I this time I didn't even do any I just kind of saw in the prep I was like I gotta get out of here yeah and then I told Sarah I think it might have turned around a little bit I'm a wanted man yes yeah it sucks that this could be construed as homophobic but you're allowed to not want to be railed yeah yeah no I mean he was nice I chatted with them you know whatever yeah but yeah I don't want to have sex but in fact this is what women feel like of course because it's like it's flattering and I think if you do that thing of like

hey my boyfriend see like oh boyfriend whoa I wasn't trying to do nothing whatever and you feel this guilt of like I don't want to come off homophobic or racist and be like hey hey get away from me man I don't want to do that shit so now I'm just getting into this area where like now I'm a cock tease you can be rude or you can be a cock tease yes you know I mean oh she was fucking she was so nice to me she kept talking to me what you think I wanted right you know that they I understand I get it sucks that weird position you get into yeah let me let me throw this idea I just had a gay prevention idea sure that sounds bad

yeah throw it at me throw some come in my face GP I let's say you really want to let the guy know that you weren't into it but not let him down anyway you go you bottom and then he goes I'm a top and you go ah I'm a top talking to work out but now that's today because see this is that's no good now you're giving them outs you're not giving them the full thing you're not you're not being perfectly honest with sure that gives them the thing I was well I can dabble I can switch yeah I can suck your dick right suck my dick yeah I what I'd have to say is my mouth is too small I gotta type to no way that fucking dong is

gonna right right I liked his cocked waft it makes me jealous of the gates because they can put it out there a lot more they can put it baby if I was just on a bus with the lady and I started showing her my cock and wafted my shorts at her I mean I'd be in jail that's the end of that Peter Pan yeah that would be I'd be Peter banned haha but anyways that was that's the whole story but now again feeling like a woman I'm uneasy I go back to the next day I'm back in the steam room and I don't want to bump into Isaac right as sexy as he is and I'm sure he's a pleasant guy that's fascinating and it stinks because this

would be hit be hotter than any woman that's ever come on to me right I've had some sex with some hot women but my wife I love and I'm attracted to her and looking lady I mean I'm overly attracted to her but you know on paper anyone looking at this guy would be like that's a hot guy you know what I mean I mean this guy I would say I would have scrubbed shaved head clean shaven nice eyes like amazing body yeah I'm talking like zero percent body fat those plate chest plates I love a plate like really collect all of them really nice good dog got a good whiff oh you saw the dog good I saw a bit of it I didn't want to stare

you know but I don't know what might be plowing you yeah it was a pipe and a half and you know I'd be I'd be honored so I gotta find maybe there's a gay out there that kind of has a look of me but I think he sees the wedding when they want to turn you that's a hot turn on to fuck a straight marry especially my wife's like on the treadmill right well behind if you're gay what's hotter than fucking a gay man while his wife was out doing leg lifts in the other room that sounds like a caption on a porn like gay guy fuck straight guy while wife is in the next room yeah it's a long one but long title but I could see it there was

a mom or I was like maybe I blow this guy just to kind of make it so it's not we I don't want to be racist or homophobic well it sounds like too you describe it a real hunk of beef here yeah so he's probably confident in his in his hunt oh definitely look at me I'm a 12 this this you know skinny whitey is gonna be all over me yeah well I tell you I think he I think he felt confident and he was smelling good by the way I'll tell you why Mark I was using native deodorant I love they sent us a cucumber mint I'm wearing it right now yeah I'm wearing it too I love it are you looking for a natural deodorant that doesn't use

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break it up put the people through it too much all right I didn't think Isaac was gonna take that long I'm fascinated with Isaac and I'm hard well there might be a sequel cuz we're at the same steam room over there and it's tricky because the steam room is a place you go to meet guys it is it's a big hunting ground but you got to bring in the lady and it'd be like hey guys you gotta meet sir sir I know maybe I will but I don't want to offend I'm in this weird position I'm afraid yeah position anyways but I'll get into more of my stuff later all right well I missed you you went you've been on the road for quite a half a coon's age

what do they call it crazy I don't know if you can say that all right well you've been on the road for a fortnight and last Monday we missed you we had the we had the best day let me tell you about this Monday I had oh yes I was in Los Angeles all right so I've been on a real kooky what do you want to call it a midlife Christ maybe sure something's up with me because I go I'm having I have been doing a little self-examining sure I'm like this sucks about me I gotta why do I do this why do I I make problems for myself so I go I got this old-ass phone I could just buy a new phone I just bought a new phone I want to ask you

about it great I love it but those are like a grand though right 800 bucks 750 bucks 800 because I got the extra space eight undo that's a pretty penny but man I just say quick side note please talk about phones because I use it all day every day my laptop you pay 1500 for I use my phone five thousand times more often my laptop plus it's a camera plus it's a compass we should be these are cheap you know this should be $10,000 good point it's insane your whole office it's my email my fucking magnifying glass my dick measure yeah the whole thing yeah ain't all Isaac yeah so but you know me I got such low self-esteem like

I can't just go and buy a two eight hundred dollar phone what the hell am I doing but I go ah this is your problem buy a new phone and have a better life you loser you're gonna die one day you come guzzling Nazi so of course I got to beat the system so I find a new phone on Craigslist all right I'm not giving Apple my whole pair of shoes I'm gonna go get a guy on Craigslist and beat the system get a cheaper phone same phone from some fat Mexican guy you can stand up I got it bad so then I go well look I've always wanted a moped I want a car but I can't have a car in this godforsaken city very expensive so I

want I'm gonna buy a moped I'm gonna cruise around I do 18 sets a night I'm always late I should pull my hair out missing the MTA getting a cab jumping an uber I'm getting a fucking badass room vroom and I'm gonna just pop around town like a Vespa or like a dirt bike somewhere in the middle okay a vest dirt so a dirt but thank you so a derpa so I go alright I'm gonna go on Craigslist again and then eBay and all this and look for some cool dirt bikes and I know a guy with a Vespa he likes his and or a moped and he likes his we talked about I got all the information I need I go buy one whoa so this was my Monday

it's not like that it's not I can show it to you it's right outside no kidding I'd love to see it it's quite a hog all right so Monday I'm going to the Yankee game with the whole crew it's Sam Ari Phil Hanley Joe Mackie Mike Vecchio and Anthony DeVito Liz Greg Stone Pete Lee I'm forgetting somebody Pete Lee's lady Brandon from the cellar he's a waiter so it's like a crew baby so we're meeting at the cellar the games at one meeting the cellar at noon I'm so excited about my new purchases I want to get it all in sure I can't wait any longer so I go hey fat Mexican guy can you meet me in Manhattan at 10 I'll wake

up early get the phone from you then hide you know go to the bank cuz I got to get out a couple couple coins sure the moped guy wants cash just you know moped guys do wouldn't it be crazy if he was the same guy from the steam room that left me what if he was the fat Latino guy what and then he was going to fucking get your moped yeah fluffy he could have saved me from Isaac but all of a sudden he's getting a call from old moped what boy that would be a fun little Tarantino plot yeah clinker all right so I meet the fat Mexican guy at 10 a.m. I'm half asleep I'm nervous we buy the phone we go into a city bank it's

super awkward he's like meet me at the hospital the Bellevue on on 1st and 20 whatever 24th sure so I pop over there it's a bitch to get there he's late you know you mean at a hospital that's where he wanted to meet very strange he set it up it was a drug deal I'm sitting there it was a couple hundred bucks so I got that in my pocket so I got it I gotta go meet the fat Mexican at 10 at a hospital then I gotta have the money on me so I had to go to the bank first then I gotta go to the bank again and pull out a couple grains you can only pull out five hundo from a ATM so I had to go to the guy the teller the clerk ah old

school yes so now I'm waiting outside the hospital and this old white guy comes out torn shirt bloody beard shitty hair dirt in his face he goes ah you got a cigarette I was like no sorry because I you're a fucking pussy you're a pussy and I'm like yeah yeah he goes where are you from I go to Orleans he goes ah I love that down now he sits down and he be mooches a cigarette off some lady he's sitting outside of a hospital smoking and talking to me about his life he's an ex-marine he got Shanghai he woke up on a boat he landed in New York he got beat up the first night at a bar he woke up in the hospital sounds great he was cool

but he was scared he called a woman a fat cunt cuz he asked her for a light and she said no it was a whole thing but it was it was like a real New York moment I'm like he's like what are you doing here I'm like I'm waiting on a guy a fat Mexican to give me a phone he's like what I've been there you know so finally the Mexican guy shows up he's fat as hell we go into a city bank now the security guard staring at us cuz we're standing in front of an ATM going all right you got the phone I got the phone how's it work well you're getting the phone of the bike I'm getting the phone at 10 a.m. I thought you're getting the

bike I can't get the bike because I gotta go to the Yankee game oh I'm all confused oh the bike that's coming I thought you're getting the bike and taking it to the cellar no no if I get that bike I'm gonna want to play with I'm not gonna be able to put the bike up and just leave it I got you okay I was confused 10 a.m. phone bank Yankee game then we'll go from there okay so I get the phone and now it's all exciting I got a shiny new phone it's it's a got way more storage way more quirks and cloups and all this shit what is an iPhone yeah okay it's an eight ah the eight would you get I got the ten are ten

baby special you got the Ocho yeah you got that right oh that's that was this guy he looked like an eight so I got it with him and now it's fun you got a new iPhone but you you're sitting there going I gotta put my credit card and I gotta put my name in I gotta put my my my handle my wallet my tweets my pain in the balls yeah pain in the I can't reorder food anymore my password the whole situation I have to call the bank you didn't realize what you had everything was so easy over boom just to got it now you got to put your money back in you're gonna put your name in it's a whole thing right so I'm doing

that on the way to the seller and I'm all excited and you know you lose all your photos I lost all these tweets and yeah I lost a ton of shit when you do it like that I know exactly have an Apple cloud I can't find the cloud it's raining on me it's a celluloid what do you call that cellulite that's what the Mexican hand yeah he did and so now I go to the seller and I'm just go all right put the phone in your pocket now I got two phones in my pocket I go put the phone in your pocket and just try to enjoy you got all your buddies here so I pounded a Miller light we jump in there on the D train I'm drinking on the D

we're all laughing on the train it's already a great day Sun is shining we get out to the fucking Yankee Stadium we buy more beers we got the big tall boys me and Ari take the shirts off Liz goes I got a surprise she bought nipple tassels so now we throw those on we're drinking the Sun the games cooking we beat the Orioles it was a great game Phil shows up Sam shows up the whole thing we're just having a great old time don't refer to the Yankees as we for God's sakes you can be a Yankee fan for God's sakes can you let's say we is the group ah jeez we're having a great time the we we beat the Orioles my god oh well

New York I don't know all right come on I like the Mets gonna throw up thank you Mets be a Mets fan that sounds good I like the Mets better we'll settle on the Mets all right what do you like the Reds the Red Sox Red Sox all right well I like the Red Sox so can I can I like I'm like I'm an atheist I like a ball I like a volume not fell off so whatever it's a Yankee game I don't know I'll go to an Islanders game I don't even know what an islanders game I think we did do that one time oh you weren't there God I'm sweating my ass I know it's hot as so you're at the game at the game and now I'm six of these beers in and you know

it's at Monday like this is the beginning of the week I got eight spots tonight I'm going to buy a moped later I gotta get my head in the game so me and Ari are just dancing our shirts off we're goose at each other we're fucking in the bushes so we leave and I turn around everybody's gone except for me Ari DeVito and Stone and I was like how this happened and we go let's go to another bar so we go to this bar in the Bronx yeah and the Yankees one so it's packed which is Long Island creeps yeah and it's you you forget about the Bronx it's like it's like a warehouse full of Yankee people is an outdoor area oh yeah I

see Meg Cuppin all there we're trashed no kidding she's great so beautiful lady beautiful lady and they were all like how do you know her damn it was pretty good I felt cool so so shitface now it's like four or five in the afternoon I'm how I'm housed and we go back up me and Ari on the train going can you believe that special that guy sucks he stinks oh my girlfriend this he hates his lady we're all going to where you were the loud drunks on the oh shit sorry Shelby cut that out so we're on the train we're not gonna hear this all right we're shucking and jiving we got a headlock I'm spinning on the on the pole

you know he's got a Yankee Jersey open he's like a 60 year old man he looks horrible and we're just having a great time I'm like doing the worm down the detrain and finally I get back to the my apartment like 6 30 gonna show it's seven I'm like headlining at the fat black or something so I'm like like come on ah I take a shower I'm trying to get myself back into I'm drinking coffee and so here's my here's my night I got my new phone it's not working people are trying to contact me I haven't tweeted in three hours my mom off I'm all off all social media I'm shitfaced I'm sweaty I get out of the shower I go all right

where my my calendar is gone everything's gone because my new phone from Craigslist yeah so I just show up at the club and my phone kind of starts clicking on and then the guy goes hey I'm bringing the bike in from Jersey can you meet me at the Holland Tunnel at 8 the Holland Tunnel because he doesn't want to come all into the city he's like I'm already you're lucky I'm bringing it in I don't want to fucking find your ass which I get I'm appreciative of the bring in okay so I go all right well I'm at the cellar all night that's not far that's not far I could probably walk but here's the clinker I finally get my

calendar coming on I got a 7 o'clock an 8 10 and then like an 11 okay so I'm like ah shit how am I gonna do an 8 10 if he's showing up at 8 the Holland Tunnel right so I do some mixing and matching I get on at 9 I do the 7 o'clock run to the tunnel get the bike hand them the big water cash thank God I didn't lose that drunk all day just had a couple grand in my back pocket all right I give him the cash he shows me the bike and he goes it's a great by great condition I'll show it to you it's mint he's at the 1980 Garelli it's an Italian moped this thing looks like a fucking dragon baby 1980 I went vintage wow the new ones are

so cunty so I wanted some some zip okay so this guy's like a moped head he's got all these he's got like a garage full he's like this is my pride and joy I don't want to sell it but I had a kid and I'm gay and all this like all right so I go I'll just ride it back to the cellar I'm at the Holland Tunnel I can't start it what he left without starting it well he thought I lied I said I was a big moped guy wait what did he take back did he walk through the tunnel he drove his truck oh it was on the truck oh yeah I thought he was driving the moped you know pop smoke and disappeared right I don't know if you can pull that that hog to a

tunnel it's that'd be risky okay I mean they go about 60 but still all right you don't get honked at all day but yeah so now I got this bike and I'm on in like 20 minutes because he showed you to walk around he's like this is a this is a clutch the exhaust the choke I don't know any of this shit I'm panicking I'm like yeah yeah the choke I'll choke you in bed you know whatever and he's like alright buddy we've kind of made friends we exchanged hellos and goodbyes and now I'm on the side of the highway or whatever the west side highway area just like trying to start I'm twisting it I'm turning it I'm juke it I'm googling how

do you start a moped I'm half drunk nighttime cars are honking at me it's like a horror movie it was bad so I just walk it to the cellar it takes me forever it's heavy as shit I'm just what you know glug glugging along oh this is the saddest thing I've ever heard so sad I'm sorry I'm going what am I doing my live I'm shit-faced how what am I 18 you know I'm pushing a bike I just paid a couple grand old guy with an envelope he pulled up in a truck he's from Jersey had an earring the idea of walking a vehicle it's so depressing so depressing and now I got to bring it to the cellar where everybody goes what's that

started up can I ride it I'm not ready I can't even start it myself so I got a lot on my plate here that's not a bad move though you give some impression to right you get a Dean del Rey or some bike guy and be like take it for a spin that's true your video what he does then all of a sudden you got it that's not bad but I got I kind of have a buck up moment like a block away from the cellar where I go all right you loser you're getting this thing started so I Google it I YouTube it I go okay that's something I pull that clutch I pop it starts it up I get on it I go all over the side me now it was a revelation I

felt like a new man wow I had like a what do you call it epiphany so what I picture in is it like a Vespa where your feet are on the thing it looks like a really skinny shorter motorcycle okay so it's like it's closer to a dirt bike than a Vespa yeah yeah it looks wise for sure okay it's more of the power of a Vespa I guess I don't know what a moped is motor pedal what does that mean maybe maybe that's it motor pedophile motorized bicycle with pedals mostly pedals but you don't you don't pedal now you but you there are there for your feet okay so it's like do you kick it to start a kick out of those that's sexy it's pretty

cool Isaac would fucking shit for this yeah he's all over a big cock waft for that so I get it started and I go all right I got about 15 minutes of my set I'm half in the bag so my first ride on this thing I'm shithouse yeah you're breaking the law yeah and I'll have a helmet I don't know whatever it's not registered so I'm riding around Hudson and bleaker and I'm just like when the sun is in my face I mean the the wind is in my face I'm having a great time I'm like this is the best thing I've ever done I went from what the hell am I doing with my life I suck I'm on the side of the road with a vehicle that doesn't work I

got ripped off I thought by this chuch now I'm riding down Hudson people going hey one guy goes great moped I feel like Kramer it was amazing that's a girl's bike so I pull that hog up to the VU they let me park it inside right yeah you know where the velvet rope thing is yeah now how's the parking gonna work can you put it on the sidewalk and shit I yeah I'm nervous so you get throw that thing in a truck it's heavy but I have a lock for it but still I'm nervous yeah you gonna get one of those big locks I guess I gotta I gotta see this thing I can't visualize you're gonna shit when you see it all right I can't wait so I go all

right I pull it right in there but I got already Fuqua's like filming me like whoa this shit's awesome he's a millionaire that was fun multi multi you don't have one of these though no not a 1980 gorilla so I do my set whatever get off stage and I just go I couldn't wait to get back on it and I just zip around with no phone really by the way so no one's bothered me and I'm just cool wind in my hair learning the moped feeling it getting it I know how to start it now it was a it was a really a special day now where do you park it at home is it just out there right now it's chained up to the I have a gate on

the sidewalk it's chained up to the gate and I got a cover over it wow you got covered everything oh yeah I really went all out on this thing and and you know you took a risk and you got you got a guy from fucking Jersey come in and I go I already had them the moment of like this is a huge mistake he told me how to do it I didn't listen I was drunk I had to learn it myself I was kicking my self for buying it and now I'm so glad I did that now this is everything to do with the Seinfeld business because he said he wanted to buy a Porsche you couldn't afford a Porsche I can't help but notice he did a whole Sebastian

Manuscalco Vespa in the village I thought about that all right did have one in high school and I wanted to zip around and I I did I remember seeing that episode being like this 50 65 year old guy can do it I'm doing it fuck yeah so but I got it and it just shows cuz I have all these issues with my brain if you want something you can just do it yeah might be weird and yeah there's gonna be parking situations and yeah it's gonna not start every now and then but fuck it yeah we're doing it we're doing it by the way I've never seen one second of the Sebastian Manuscalco's act I watched that comedians and cars

where they ride the scooters they show one clip it's the hardest I've ever laughed in my life oh really that company bit I was on the floor I've never laughed so hard in my life wait I saw the app I don't remember they show a clip of him doing the thing where he's like when you're a kid the bell ring someone rings the doorbell you're like this is for company now they're like and he does the whole things like there's a sword under the couch I've never laughed so hard in my life the guy I've never watched them I'm like Sebastian Manuscalco he's blowing up and everyone's like you know when that someone blows up you're

like I don't want to watch it you guys don't know what you're talking about he probably sucks never laughed so hard in my life I thought that's his best bit by far it is easily as it's like a signature it's pretty amazing though it's one of the funniest bits I've ever heard in my life you know what else is amazing I do know what's amazing are you thinking Raycon are you starting a new story are you talking Raycon love Raycon love Raycon also it's 2019 folks everyone needs a great pair of wireless earbuds especially on that scooter you're gonna need some earbuds you got that right that's probably not legal but

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wireless options Raycon's are both stylish and discreet no dangling wires or stems and of course they just look great and they sound great too I love them I use them I'm gonna put them in my ears when I'm on the hog I use them on the train they're great go buy Raycon go to buy Raycon dot com slash Tuesdays to get 15% off your order that's buy Raycon B U Y Raycon dot com slash Tuesdays for 15 percent off Raycon wireless earbuds if you've been eyeing a pair now's the time to get an amazing deal one more time buy Raycon dot com slash Tuesdays oh yeah cool wind in your hair cool sounds in your ears what a life do you love the

summer I mean what a summer we're having great summer summer we're all over the place and it's just the best I'll tell you I don't know where to go I got a bunch of stuff I got Denver I got LA I got Minneapolis I don't know where to go but we got a we got a wrap up soon you got a nugget me we got 10 minutes you got a nugget I got a couple nuggets well I'll tell you but we're talking phones here phones and phones and bikes I can I can sink into the phones and bike situation period sink so I'm in Denver I've had the most insane run I'm finally off the road I did in a row I did the all the whole tour with Louie in Europe

straight to Montreal week weekend in Montreal just for laughs next we get Tampa side splitters which was killer then Denver comedy works one of the best clubs in the world then act me Minneapolis one of the best clubs in the world yeah finally home I'm road weary I haven't had four nights in a row at home since June wow the month of July I stayed at my house six nights holy I don't know how we're pulling off the podcast folks I hope you're I hope you're loving it out there you're welcome we're gonna get divorced for God's sakes uh-huh but so I was in Denver Denver comedy works first of all great city

first-class city mile high it is that airports a little kooky but you know about the theories with the airport and shit evidently is a huge conspiracy with the airport it's like a burial ground Native Americans all kinds of weird rabbit holes people keep telling me yeah yeah I heard that it seems kooky but that airport is a bitch and a half it's nine hours from the city it's a tight shoe very strange it's a wet sock after a wet sock what was that a dry sock after a wet sock that's a good thing yes that one that's a bad one shoe tight shoe it doesn't fit well yeah that's a too tight on a shoe is a

bitch it's a real come dick I haven't experienced that in a long time hey whenever you're kidding around it's only when you're a kid yeah cuz your foot is growing isn't it weird that you grow bones grow it doesn't make sense that long hard thing grows your dick is the same dick well like that dick is the same dick oh you didn't switch them out right right it's like it starts as a little pecker and then you got a big corn dog you got a big Isaac over there yeah I guess so and then the then the grass starts growing it's a kooky kooky thing it's wild that's why when you're a kid everybody goes hey get big cuz it's a

thing it's a big deal yeah it's strange and no one notices cuz it just happened like it happens at night I guess at the cartoons it's so gradual that's why you got the notches on the wall to show how big your dicks got Nazis the notches not just cheese I got you Nazis cheese oh that's delicious that wouldn't be bad all right anyway so I'm out in Denver comedy work speaking of phones and bikes we're out there we have a great time I fly in a night early and that's fun I just walked around it's a beautiful day Sarah comes in the next day we go to Sam's diner whatever the fuck I know that plays right right in the corner right

across the street great then now every time I ever go to downtown Denver I always have a car and I'll go out to the mountains Estes Park and El Dorado Park and Red Rocks this time I said I'm gonna save money and just be in the city wow downtown have some fun check out the city city that's we flipped I'm spending money on gadgets you're saving money I'm saving money but I want to explore a little bit so we go out Sarah's there we rent bikes and we ride the Cherry Creek Trail Cherry Creek which is right behind the condo it goes all the way the link to the city and Cherry Creek's like they're like Beverly

Hills you know yeah so we rent bikes and we ride that trail it's a beautiful trail it's a creek Cherry Creek and we take it all the way down miles and miles as beautiful as all kinds of artwork and homeless people it's real lovely we get down to the Cherry Creek Mall which is like again it's like this Beverly Hills situation it's spectacular down there we went to the Denver Botanical Garden several people messaged me to check out the botanical gardens thanks to the Rex appreciate it went there beautiful 175 degrees but yeah great time walked around meditated kissed whatever then I go to we start walking and I'm like we'll

go back to the creek we'll rent bikes we'll ride back I go look at my phone to check the map it's just dead oh no fully dead and it's hot it's like a hot rock not battery dead it's just dead I was at 60% I was using it the whole thing whatever it's just gone so we like that sucks I go well whatever we'll go back I'll charge it we ride back beautiful ride I plug it in this thing is dead dead dead as a door nail just crapped out and of course I'm freaking out cuz I'm like what am I gonna do we have gigs what if the club's trying to contact us so I have to like email my manager an agent like tell the club to call Sarah wow

call my mother just in case you start freaking out you like you like you're like wild you're like if case anything happens call her everyone I'm like call her number we start using I'm like I don't know how I'm gonna get by with 14 hours without my phone mm-hmm which it just it's sickening it's a second it makes me want to kill myself seriously tight at the hip it's horrible what does that mean by the way tight at the hip is attached at the hip I think it's like the hip yeah I think it's you know like Siamese people a little sensitive to the the Mises you don't hear about the measles all that often anymore yeah the

Siamese we got rid of them I hope so they're creepy as hell a little off-putting they'd never see like a Siamese mass shooting yeah like double the guns wouldn't it yeah good point yeah that's two rounds well I guess they'll have two aren't they have the same one arms as well yeah and they don't each get their set of arms but attached to the hip you would because you're kind of yeah and then to get two dongs I don't know let's call it if you're Siamese yeah look we have no Siamese fans I'm sure but we gotta get some if we did we lost them well that'd be two that's you lost because that's two brains or ears so we

we ride back and then we do the show and I can't record my sets of course I had the best sets of my life and then the phone it's just dead so I call Apple on her phone sure and then it's all this computerized shit the things like they're like right now go to your settings and I'm like I don't have settings I want a different phone so then I go to the app I go to the Apple store and they keep going Sarah Sarah and we're going where the fuck is I have an appointment I go wait is that me maybe it's me and they're like well you call that fuck of whatever time like that's me and they're like well we can't prove that I'm like

it was my wife's phone my phone is dead that's the issue so I talked to the guy and he does that he tries to fucking you know zap it make it alive he puts it in seven different plugs they do a litmus test or whatever you call it yeah he's like this thing's not turning back on your phones dead as fuck wow I guess I got overheated maybe I guess it just they design them to crap out so you got a new phone that's truly crap so I ended up getting this 10R and I'm loving it the 10 retail you got to get it it's 800 bucks but it's a beauty you see the difference the camera's got portrait mode and stuff and I don't know I don't

know much difference but it looks zippy it looks shiny and and clear but I anyways I realize this isn't a great story but we took bikes and I got a phone so I felt like it related to the the topic but it's a you got to switch and swatch all that crap this isn't a good way to end the show I was like I got something I was just thinking bikes and phones but this would have been more of a just a topic of conversation after tell me how the shows weren't Denver all right I'll give you the shows but I'm really disappointed in myself just talking about a phone I feel like I'm 150 years old Apple needed a plug but it's

a nice phone but here's the the nice thing about it the whole time I thought I lost all my sets and all my photos but this cloud business I know they're spying on us they have all our shit it's gross but I'm kind of happy they did because I just plugged this in you turn it on you plug it into the power and Wi-Fi and 25,000 photos back every set the whole thing all my notes back and back back and back and black or whatever yes back in the New York anal but great time in Denver had a great every show was fucking great Tanya you know waitress Tanya I love Tanya she loves us and she's like you guys talking about me

in the podcast I can't believe it thanks so much and good egg I felt bad because we kept I got the reflux diet so I never ordered any food and I don't drink so I just kept feeling like we don't want anything but keep coming back here and saying hello yeah nice lady and there's a lot of Tuesdays on the crew there oh yeah staff yeah a lot of Tuesdays we packed it out hit a bonus a lot of gays amazing shows but oh I'll give you this thing I was texting you freaking out so the one night they go yes I'm talking to Mel on Wednesday when that Thursday morning we're taking us to meet she goes I hope I want to ask a favor is it okay if

sad I got Sarah flying into feature she's like can we bump Sarah from the shows we'll still pay her but they're shooting a documentary about the comedy works and she's like we got to have all local comics and we got to shoot them they're shooting the other club it's like but Saturday gonna shoot downtown so we got to get all these local comics in kind of a bummer for you but I get it it's a bummer for me I go oh whatever Sarah you know what is she she's like all right great I'll get paid enough to go on all right all right short week three shut like Friday night she's like I'm done yeah so you want to do sets but

there's also party that's like they love when something gets canceled of course even if it's like a TV taping like we're gonna do it another time you're like great I got the night off night off do it again so we do that Saturday comes now I wasn't really thinking I'm just going all right they're gonna shoot some documentary whatever but then you get there and you go now there's a bunch of people in the green room and they're all shooting so they have like that nervous energy they're like I gotta do a set the whole thing and they're all friends so they're having beers and they're only doing six minutes they got they got

beers they're talking to the cameras they're all friends and I'm just kind of nervous because I'm trying to work something out here I'm getting I got some new stuff I'm trying to get an album ready and so I'm a little anxious and they got the nervous energy and they're the best comics in Denver and Denver is a killer city it's not the best comics in Toledo this is a legit city in his D town and they're all bringing the heat it's a hot crowd I mean they are killing and then Ben Roy is there they go hey he's the mayor can we throw Ben up to do you mind that of course I mean Ben's like he's a legend there I mean

I've known the guy I've known of the guy for 20 through Soder right and he's a killer act I've only met him a couple times nice guy from Boston originally I don't think he started there so of course of course you can go what am I gonna say no right so he's gonna go up before me now you know Ben Roy and people at home you should know if you don't kill or act crushes he goes up and fucking murder and now it's like five comics and even if they're only doing three minutes the audience that's really a new guy a new guy a new guy and they get used to seeing people do five six so I'm happy to oblige the club is

so good to me I'm happy to be there I'm grateful but you start to go this is a this is an issue right I got five people murdering Ben Roy is destroying he kills destroying and I was like I'm fucked like this is crazy and he has a whole bunch of airplane stuff and I do a bunch of airplane stuff which you know everyone has airplane jokes but I'm like this is awkward cuz I'm like it's gotta go straight from his airplane to my airplane he's killing he's likable fuck me it's a lot of planes and it said I'm fucked so then he goes into a whole chunk this actually saved me he goes into a whole chunk about how people from

Boston are trash and the worst people it's the worst city and it's killing yeah I mean applause breaks they're fine it's like deaf comedy jam in there and then the only that saved me as I got up and I went hey my name is Joe and I'm from Boston and that's like it's like a roar yes that kind of saved me and the crowd was so hot so I was fine but it was a it was a tricky situation because you bring a feature yes cuz that's who you want to follow right of course and Sarah's kills but like it's a nice easy like jokes jokes jokes and just a nice boom and we work together we work well he's very high energy and he's fucking just like

cranking up the and he's kill I mean I'll kill yeah so I thought I was fucked and ended up being I'm the crowd was so good it didn't even matter yeah that club that just cultivates the hottest crap can I just say two things about that one things and then we'll wrap it up sure it's a testament to the the headliner though that you could follow that and that you could you know let that happen and still have a killer show I appreciate it I mean there was I definitely did have a little bit of that what do you call it confidence ego that was like a lot of people couldn't handle this right right I mean Ben Roy is not a feature act no

he's a lot of pressure yeah so it's not everyone else killed too so it felt good I mean that crowd was like so hot that club I feel like the early shows are the hottest crowd ever and the late shows can be a little bit of work that night that late show was fun Friday late at that club was like whoo they drink out there they're all high then they get drunk and then there's a rowdy vibe in that town but the second thing I want to say is I just want to put it out there and I'm not saying you're saying this I'm taking the brunt on this one any time somebody says do you mind if this guy does a set I mind every time I'll say

yes I'll say yes every time sure I'll be asked me but we always mind yes and you I don't know if you know that if you got he really doesn't care oh we hate it but I'm just I'll say yes and you can do it but I hate it well some people yeah it's it's time in like a guy like Ben Roy it's like yeah he's gonna go like I was at the stand the other night new stand is open check it out it's hot beautiful great club but you know her area comes out to me I was like are we on time he's like ah David tell is gonna go on before you okay well that's like he's like is that alright and I'm like what am I gonna say here yeah absolutely not tell David

tell he may not go but I bet you like just just say it tells going on sorry the irony though is if you if he if you said no he would like a tell go sorry okay whatever yeah tell a good yeah I could yeah I would talk to him personally and be like hey I got up but I would never do that unless I had somewhere I had to go right I wouldn't just be like no way Jose yeah but it's fine her area is such a sweet guy that he was like I was like are they running on time instead of saying no he was like yeah a tell is gonna go on it's like so no but pleasure to watch him so happy to be at the club so happy it's open and I don't know I

don't I'm losing my I'm all over the place good talk good to see a good get a bike get a phone get a life yeah live your life folks and hey next week and if you're in London I know there's a few you probably already bought tickets so ho theater August 30th and 31st I know a lot of gays are coming please come across the pond make a night out of it get all your chums this cat's not going to the old foggy London town that often you know although you have been seven times this year yes but fifth trip to Europe in less than two years less than one year one year that's wild anyways and then Tuesday next Tuesday the 27th we're

doing a Michelle Wolf and I are doing our show at the Village Underground to raise money for the Nature Conservancy the whole world's ending yeah baby and then back to Bergen Norway September 6th and 7th and the Hartford funny bone September 26th to the 28th that's that's nearby I've been the shit of that market yeah I've done like Providence comedy connection Laugh Boston Hartford anyways so come on to that and then October big month laughs in Seattle skyline in Appleton the blue room in Springfield I keep hearing about Burlington Vermont whole bunch of places Seattle Appleton Springfield Missouri

Burlington Vermont and then of course Laugh Boston Thanksgiving weekend and I'm doing DC in November as well crazy couple months October November's gonna be wild September I'm just home oh good no flights and other than Norway and home no flights in September I'm so happy wow you're working fatty I'm working as hard as I can comedian Joe list dot com Instagram Patreon where you gonna be yes all right we're about to do a bonus by the way big quick big bonus and thanks for the questions here we go I'm and this comes out tomorrow yeah tomorrow Charlotte this weekend so come on Hornets let's do it up in Shartown then

I'm an Indianapolis helium baby I know some gays are coming then I'm in Denver we're all talking about it hopefully nobody bumps my fat ass then I'm going out to LA doing a La Jolla room some charity and doing kill Tony I'm doing a couple big podcasts I'm doing I'm headlining the belly room on the 25th say hello punchline Sacramento old sack Dallas say hello at the Addison Improv I'm coming out to Chesoning Michigan to do a big benefit but there's tickets to the public so Google that don't ask me about it Austin Tejas cap city comedy club with old Sean Murphy looks like a Holocaust victim then I'm in Minneapolis

Acme comedy club right on your heels Spokane and Tacoma Washington State Roar and Springfield Mass Sunnyvale Roosterty Tampa Florida Portland Oregon you heard it here first Mark Norman comedy dot com Twitter Insta Facebook semen Isaac sex sex with kids yeah praise Allah we'll see you in hell and tell a friend we're trying to make some money I gotta buy a bike sounds