Tuesdays with Stories! - #318 Pain & Anal
Episode Date: October 8, 2019Hey hey folks, we've got a hot one for you this week as Mark goes to the Comedy Store in L.A. before a disaster T.V. pitch while Joe lives it up and see's Brandi Carlile. Check it out! Sponsored by: ...Roman (getroman.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/
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                                        hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good
                                         
                                        to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a
                                         
                                        surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag
                                         
                                        surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and
                                         
                                        Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is
                                         
                                        supposed to be cheesing
                                         
                                        holy jeez and in the wind it's mother fuck we're here folks yeah that was that
                                         
                                        was a subtle it's a morning I'm hurt and I'm sick I'm gay I got AIDS I'm on no
                                         
    
                                        sleep no sleep when you're sick is a kick in the tank that's what I told you
                                         
                                        that's all you need to do is sleep and you didn't even sleep I got bad sleep too
                                         
                                        but you see I have to say you sound a lot better today than yesterday all right
                                         
                                        I'll take it but you're in that sweet spot of the day I think yes you get the
                                         
                                        sickest when you wake up and then the sickest at the end of the day you're
                                         
                                        probably in that warmed up you know getting there you're right you're kind
                                         
                                        of in the cool zone cuz you did Jim and Sam yes yes and you're the only there's
                                         
                                        no fun celeb there to come on Kevin Smith and the the heroin addict I came in
                                         
    
                                        after me but I had to run Anthony Kitas silent no big salary Jay ochre said
                                         
                                        silent Jay silent no silent Bob and all right Jay what's his name I don't know
                                         
                                        he's just Jay Jay Jay and silent Bob yes Jay walking does Jay he doesn't talk
                                         
                                        though right now Bob doesn't talk in the movie silent Bob which is Kevin Smith I
                                         
                                        thought it was ironic like Curly no no he's silent he says one profound thing at
                                         
                                        the end which is a little bit a suck your own dickie if you ask me I don't say
                                         
                                        anything the whole movie but then at the end I tied all together with my one
                                         
                                        poignant sentence yeah blow me you don't see Tarantino doing that he's just
                                         
    
                                        saying dead bleeping storage yeah you know he's kind of a bad guy
                                         
                                        looks like a nice guy but he's married to a black woman is he in the movie in the
                                         
                                        film oh Bonnie yes yes who they say is headless but then they show her and
                                         
                                        your head's attached headless horseman yeah minus a head you got a body minus a
                                         
                                        head in the trunk take me to it and then they show her and her head's attached
                                         
                                        wait wait wait wait wait in pulp fiction you're thinking of Lamar well Lamar
                                         
                                        fill Lamar the black guy they shoot him in the head he's headless not the wife
                                         
                                        no but okay so the what the guy yeah the guy gets shot Marvin Marvin shot Marvin
                                         
    
                                        the face they say he's headless but he's not headless they show him he's like you
                                         
                                        got a body in the trunk minus a head and then they show him and as they show him
                                         
                                        in the trunk and his head's fully attached it's a bit of a miscue or no more
                                         
                                        miss miss bliss miss America by the way that never caught on good morning miss
                                         
                                        bliss just kind of rolled in to save by the bell nobody said good morning miss
                                         
                                        bliss no and what's strange about it is I mean you know that's how showbiz works
                                         
                                        but they all I like the idea I think we might talk about this before they all
                                         
                                        lived in Indiana so Zach Lisa Screech and Mr. Belding all finished middle school
                                         
    
                                        packed up and flew I've never heard this packed a grip and head to Los Angeles
                                         
                                        together they took a high high plane and a low train and got off to the beach and
                                         
                                        Bayside I love the idea of two best friends three best friends being like a
                                         
                                        principal what do you say we all move to California or maybe Mr. Belding got the
                                         
                                        gig first he brought his favorite you know nerd black and cool guy Filipino by
                                         
                                        the way no he's Hispanic Zach Morris what Filipino get out of here
                                         
                                        Ariel what's her name auntie what is it Annabelle Alexa Alexa is or is not Zach
                                         
                                        Morris a Filipino has no way she's got that one wait he's we got no Mark Paul
                                         
    
                                        Gosseler Filipino descent I don't know that one all right well Shelby plug in
                                         
                                        yes Shelby if you're listening we love you you're great you're very handsome in
                                         
                                        your sweet man good lips plug in tell him what they that give the people what
                                         
                                        they need to know he's not a halfy he's like a semi I don't know quarter
                                         
                                        I don't know but he died his hair blonde to make him look you know like a surfer
                                         
                                        bro I knew he had black hair but his roots were horrible good movie oh good
                                         
                                        good band but he was a he doesn't look Filipino like Rob Schneider is half
                                         
                                        Filipino kidding yeah whenever they talk about Asian that's why they say he the
                                         
    
                                        new guy is the first full Asian on SNL oh yeah but he's got a little Filipino
                                         
                                        okay yeah Phil Lamar who the fuck is Phil Lamar that's Marvin is he in
                                         
                                        something else he's on mad TV I thought you just knew Marvin's name from just
                                         
                                        being Marvin oh no I'm like you bust out Bonnie's name I'll suck your ass yeah
                                         
                                        well she didn't have any speaking no she just goes right yeah hey Marvin remember
                                         
                                        that he turns around with the gun got the thick New York you gotta have an
                                         
                                        opinion yeah thank God came down from him shot Marvin in the face this is the
                                         
                                        Valley Vincent it's fun because when you watch that movie as a kid you don't
                                         
    
                                        know anything about LA she like where are they the valley redondo beach I don't
                                         
                                        know what the hell is going on right by the way oh well we got a lot to get into
                                         
                                        but I let me just say this I did comedy and Magic Club in Redondo Beach Hermosa
                                         
                                        Hermosa yes that's where Jackie Brown is sorry oh really or what's where he has
                                         
                                        the that's where he's dead not Jackie Brown but Jackson's character yeah right
                                         
                                        right he ain't no no that was the hood he's in Compton yeah you go so see him
                                         
                                        but yeah Hermosa beat you know I had a gig there at eight you pull up and it's
                                         
                                        like whoa what is this place like heaven on earth the ocean is twinkling in the
                                         
    
                                        distance and the Sun is setting and it's clean and everybody's good-looking all
                                         
                                        these hot kids running around and everybody's on a scooter holding a
                                         
                                        skateboard it's like out of a movie I love a hot kid big fan don't you just
                                         
                                        want to spread open a kid and show them the business I think that would happen
                                         
                                        to Michael Jackson doc there was some spreading oh yeah but I believe them
                                         
                                        either way you show up and it's like this club you're like how could a club
                                         
                                        work here because you know you always hear at comedies about pain and anal and
                                         
                                        all this and you know that's a fucking tag team yeah pain and anal in the
                                         
    
                                        morning believe you and anal leads the panel but so you show you like who needs
                                         
                                        a laugh here these people are all rich and handsome and tan and surfing and show
                                         
                                        up this club as it matters from 1978 Seinfeld and riser and Shanling and
                                         
                                        Leno don't forget Leno Leno the Leno he wasn't it was a Saturday he comes on
                                         
                                        Sunday all right I come on Sundays I came today and yeah so it's just bananas
                                         
                                        like they got the old 70s floor pattern and Jake Johansson's there I'm
                                         
                                        chucking it up with him Larry Miller's there what yeah it was a who's who of
                                         
                                        whose cares and the crowd is hot hot crutches older whitey just oh well
                                         
    
                                        we're having a great time on the beach now what about the clean did the clean
                                         
                                        body and they want you clean they gotta be clean but I recommended you I
                                         
                                        for many times you have they didn't recognize the name but yeah I talked to
                                         
                                        the old guy Mike and you're like this is where a comedian was and all that right
                                         
                                        oh man that club is magical it's like it's the comedy a magical club truly is
                                         
                                        a special place I can't believe any of this works the food is great they give
                                         
                                        you a little zip drive from your act and yeah such a special room and it's the
                                         
                                        home of my favorite line of all time in any film why can't you do what you do
                                         
    
                                        and I do what I do just about being together I want to be with you and is
                                         
                                        there's so much Zen life lessons in that comes if I ever meet Seinfeld well I
                                         
                                        met him briefly but if I ever talked to Seinfeld I'd like to say that one dumb
                                         
                                        line in that green room has meant so much to my entire life I've based my whole
                                         
                                        life around just you saying that to rock they're arguing over who wants to go
                                         
                                        first that is a very you lie but he says it's just about being together I just
                                         
                                        want to be with you is it shandling he's talking to he's talking to rock because
                                         
                                        they're arguing over who wants to go last and then Jerry says to Chris he's
                                         
    
                                        like well why can't you do what you do and I do what I do it's just about being
                                         
                                        together I just want to be with you wow very list moment oh yeah when I was a
                                         
                                        drunk I would always write it's just about being together everywhere all over
                                         
                                        the walls and ever it was like oh my god my my yearbook quote the whole thing oh
                                         
                                        boy not when you came after my graduate high school and when I went to tweet me
                                         
                                        like wait how old are you right right right but yeah I used to always say that
                                         
                                        adorable what it is I mean it's like he sums up all of life in a casual green
                                         
                                        room conversation yeah he's a deep dude and it's like deeper on so many levels
                                         
    
                                        it's like the entire republicans and democrats and earth and Russia and
                                         
                                        America and climate change and your mother's cunt it's all about why can't
                                         
                                        you do that now do this I just want to be with you yes it's just about being
                                         
                                        together wow and point at the end of all I used to always talk about it when I was
                                         
                                        drunk but now I'm sober that's what it's all about in the end like on our
                                         
                                        deathbed you're talking about credits and the whole thing but the real fun is
                                         
                                        just the car ride or the podcast is about being together we got to all be
                                         
                                        together right now we're being together we're together and what's breakfast by
                                         
    
                                        the way this is the earliest we've ever recorded it's fucking 825 a.m. we just
                                         
                                        had breakfast together that was really sweet that was nice it's funny
                                         
                                        breakfast together it really worked out because I had the breakfast on the way
                                         
                                        here you know bag and I was like I gotta eat this in front of them yeah and then
                                         
                                        you showed up with breakfast and oatmeal you do you do I do what I do yeah
                                         
                                        it says something I gotta send a quick text about this plan I have in a minute
                                         
                                        uh-oh I fucked up and I want to come early we're talking about the movie
                                         
                                        comedian Jerry Seinfeld just got sued by the director of the documentary what
                                         
    
                                        Christian char I don't know I don't want to get too into it but it was in the
                                         
                                        paper or the the internet or whatever you want to call it it's out there and he
                                         
                                        won Seinfeld won what was he suing for well the guy claims that Jerry and this
                                         
                                        director guy says that they came up with comedians and cars together and it was
                                         
                                        like a little thing and then ten years go by or nine years go by and he's like
                                         
                                        I'm gonna bring that back and so Simon just shot it and the guy was like hey
                                         
                                        that was our idea so Simon gave him a couple bucks and then the guy waited five
                                         
                                        years for the show to get picked up by Netflix and he's like wait a minute I
                                         
    
                                        want some of that cheddar and he goes well legally you have a you had a five
                                         
                                        year contract to say something wow five years and that was it interesting yeah
                                         
                                        this feel like so he got him on a technicality his idea and then well he
                                         
                                        got him on a technicality but apparently the guy was like yeah do go nuts I see
                                         
                                        and then he's like all right I'll make the show and without him and then the
                                         
                                        show got millions of dollars on Netflix and then he's like I want a piece well
                                         
                                        that guy can't be rolling in the dough I haven't heard of the second film that
                                         
                                        he's made now he hit me up once about hanging out what yeah we fucked no
                                         
    
                                        kidding now he was just like hey and we met at a bar over here and he's like hey
                                         
                                        what are you doing maybe we could do something in my head I was like this is
                                         
                                        the comedian guy I'm in wow but then nothing came of it by the way I saw a
                                         
                                        fill a foreign film called monos like the like the kissing disease yeah and
                                         
                                        terrific film you got to go foreign or documentary to see a good movie these
                                         
                                        days oh yeah tell me about it but it's really good and I also saw ad Astra
                                         
                                        and I wish they would add some excitement who I tweeted that well they
                                         
                                        they really pumped it up wrong that movie looks like a big wrong pump interstellar
                                         
    
                                        you know Martian space epic I hate all those movies by the way oh alright you
                                         
                                        didn't like interstellar I didn't care for interstellar the galaxy one with
                                         
                                        Sandra the girl from the bus what's that one oh
                                         
                                        gravity gravity I didn't care for that one yeah and I'd like to smash it and
                                         
                                        then that one was okay it was like whatever I don't like space I guess I
                                         
                                        like space if they pull off space pull off space if a Russian office space I
                                         
                                        love love that space balls I like love space balls get the bleeps the sweeps and
                                         
                                        the creeps I think a space comedy is good we should write a comedy that's
                                         
    
                                        about space I don't have any space here I need a bigger apartment but yeah
                                         
                                        you're right space sucks it's no good it's just vast and boring it's just black
                                         
                                        nothingness yeah I don't mind blacks I don't want to put it out there we don't
                                         
                                        like blacks we just don't care for space blacks yeah yeah space blacks now there's
                                         
                                        a film space black yeah what you doing here on my moon motherfucker yeah the
                                         
                                        ship have rims rim ship rim job boots all right well that'll get us a letter
                                         
                                        what do we got letters yeah be fun I like that during the Chappelle run he did
                                         
                                        that Bigsby thing with the blind supremacist that was the first first
                                         
    
                                        episode is that right yeah that was the final sketch on the first episode blew
                                         
                                        my tits off yeah well it was he said he showed there was some 2020 thing with
                                         
                                        Barbara Wawa and he showed like him dumping out a big burlap sack of hate
                                         
                                        mail wow and I'm really like wow people wrote letter that's how I am they put a
                                         
                                        stamp on it and everything wow that's fun I would like to get one of those nice
                                         
                                        we and then you cut open the letter letter it seemed fun yeah my mom had one
                                         
                                        of those I remember like you got a weapon on your desk yeah my grandmother had one
                                         
                                        too but a knife yeah that's a good point yeah what can you do but there's space
                                         
    
                                        Star Wars I loved as a kid looking at it back at it now it's not so hot there's
                                         
                                        got to be something spacey that I like I never really loved you know what I
                                         
                                        enjoyed was a life with Jake Gyllenhaal I love Gyllenhaal the most life it was
                                         
                                        called life it was a bad name it should have been called Calvin because it was
                                         
                                        about a monstery thing called Calvin it came out I think two years ago two
                                         
                                        summers ago it was Eddie Murphy it was pretty good that's another that's
                                         
                                        Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy are those different guys Bernie Mac um he's
                                         
                                        a he's around but that one I remember like it and think it was good but this
                                         
    
                                        ad Astra it's just apocalypse now in space it's the same movie crazy that's
                                         
                                        well or Asian well there's no war it's not of course this different things but
                                         
                                        Robert you walls in it what is an ad after I feel like the name is off-putting I
                                         
                                        don't know I think it's a star I guess I have no idea they don't really explain
                                         
                                        subtract Astra yeah I'd like to subtract my experience from my life yes divide
                                         
                                        and conquer it wasn't it wasn't great very apocalypse now we and I don't even
                                         
                                        know what I'm talking about anymore well speaking of apocalypse now you got a
                                         
                                        call from your landlord oh yeah I told the story by the way how hurtful that
                                         
    
                                        that episode has been out not one person's tweeted and be like hey what
                                         
                                        happened to landlord I guess we went off on an anal tear I didn't finish the
                                         
                                        story please but now they're not even gonna remember all right the landlord I
                                         
                                        got a three-year lease I was all worried cuz the landlord I was worried
                                         
                                        about the car then I dropped off the car and as soon as I dropped off the car
                                         
                                        the landlord's like we need to talk I don't think I ever put a button on my
                                         
                                        ass no button and anyways eventually he called back while I was on the train that
                                         
                                        I bought six tickets for didn't even use one I remember that and then he was like
                                         
    
                                        yeah I just wanted to sign a three-year lease you're an ideal candidate what do
                                         
                                        it's a tenant and we love you and thank you and so it was a nice relief and is
                                         
                                        all worried for nothing that's the end of that story that no one wanted to hear
                                         
                                        anyways all right I might kill myself you're in the urine Queens for another
                                         
                                        trifecta well and they're I'll get into the rest of it later they're raising the
                                         
                                        rent the raise in the rent but they're lower in the roof they got a second
                                         
                                        floor on that puppy oh yeah I'm gonna have a two floor sweet wait what yeah it's
                                         
                                        crazy you're getting another floor there's a space below us and yeah space
                                         
    
                                        below me I will so he's gonna put down a stairwell we have a whole second
                                         
                                        apartment I'm gonna have a two bedroom two bathroom fucking monstrosity down
                                         
                                        there you're never leaving this place I might build a podcast studio and charge
                                         
                                        people to use it now we're talking I know 38 comics in your block alone that's a
                                         
                                        good point I could have stoned in the veto and Brendan air check them out by
                                         
                                        the way rad dude cast great podcast what do they do it out of there the only
                                         
                                        problems you're gonna have a bunch of mooks and meeks coming in and out of your
                                         
                                        house I'm not gonna do a podcast who am I kidding but I thought about putting a
                                         
    
                                        gym down there but Sarah is like I don't think but I'm like hey why don't we
                                         
                                        each save 80 bucks get a bow flex a bow flex a tray of tables what do you call
                                         
                                        that a rack sort of what do you call that what are you thinking of wait Nordic
                                         
                                        track now the way the bed the thing with the weights on it weight rack weight
                                         
                                        rack a weight rack a weight rack a weight rack a weight bench and a weight
                                         
                                        watcher wait a minute it's early folks so what now tell the people what happened
                                         
                                        here somebody kicked off in your family or what oh yeah yeah well we got some
                                         
                                        condolences nice you get some tweets I didn't want to I don't want to burden
                                         
    
                                        people like people going to burn they write hey sorry about your dead granny
                                         
                                        you faggot and good luck like my aunt on the other side but in that way do you
                                         
                                        have two sides two sides to your family you got your mom's side your dad's side
                                         
                                        and every now and then they connect and meet and it's weird it's like bizarro
                                         
                                        Jerry oh yeah that's what a wedding's all about yeah four sides she's got her
                                         
                                        two sides I got my two side we have four sides then I'll be tea then I got
                                         
                                        comics we got five sets like a trivial pursuits pie pieces yeah then you got
                                         
                                        you got to watch these people collide and ain't pretty no it isn't and most of
                                         
    
                                        them are pretty no side or mine not the comics either but but my I have no I
                                         
                                        only have one side my dad's side is there a stranger dead what yeah it's a sad
                                         
                                        situation over there we got one side but the one side is huge the mom it's like
                                         
                                        a 48 sided fucking die yeah I hope so I hope some of them do at least she she's
                                         
                                        holding on like she's making up for it yeah he's got to be part of that family
                                         
                                        yeah you Irish you like to spawn oh there's a lot of people over there it's
                                         
                                        the booze mixed with the the fucking is cheap it's it's a whole it's great there's
                                         
                                        like there's like 37 people in my family it's wild wow and then together all the
                                         
    
                                        time I think I talked about this before I was a kid people like we're having a
                                         
                                        family reunion I was like family reunion my entire family's here every single
                                         
                                        Sunday that's no no not no option to not be there 25 people every single Sunday my
                                         
                                        whole life yeah you talk about your uncle Dale like I talk about Vita oh yeah
                                         
                                        Uncle Dale's like my bro he's my buddy my uncle's like hello it's a co-worker how
                                         
                                        are you doing hot out hey you can't you know it's very distant no Uncle Dale was
                                         
                                        like part of the Boston comedy see everyone call the wall they're like his
                                         
                                        uncle yeah he was as much a part of the scene as anybody it's crazy they all know
                                         
    
                                        what he was around we drank it was fun you like him we had a great time I love
                                         
                                        what means to bed he's one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life I
                                         
                                        saw my uncle at a grocery store I'd hide under the poultry oh I'd fucking stick my
                                         
                                        dick in his ass and would watch a film together that's a great relationship oh
                                         
                                        he's the best Uncle Dale's the fucking number one I'm jealous yeah he's the
                                         
                                        hell of a man my uncle was a racist cop oh I'm not saying he's not racist I'm
                                         
                                        just saying he's a great guy no he's not racist but he's a fireman with a huge
                                         
                                        cock huge and he's like four eight I know I've seen him he's one of these little
                                         
    
                                        guys with huge calves big forearms and a cock the size of my leg and that's a you
                                         
                                        can't you can't get a read on a cock you really can't it's like a undercover cock
                                         
                                        it's another cover that's got to be a film there's no way that's not a porn
                                         
                                        undercover cock yeah they were here to sell you some siding just kidding them a
                                         
                                        cop and yeah I don't know that flew but yeah you know hey pull over or you know
                                         
                                        I'm a cop you're in a wire kind of it's not a wire it's too small yeah it's gonna
                                         
                                        be a you're wearing a pipe for something you got a rifle oh what about what's the
                                         
                                        thing the baton night stick hey I'll show you the night night's dick ever cock
                                         
    
                                        that's got to be a porn Alexa's undercover cock a porn not the day I'm still
                                         
                                        trying to figure out Zach Morris she's jerking off up there all right so yeah
                                         
                                        you get into some story I got a couple little little nuggets all right well
                                         
                                        I'll just tell the grandma story real quick and then I'll oh yeah avert my
                                         
                                        gaze sex roll her old bones over here yeah so I did the Sacramento punchline
                                         
                                        and my grandma's been on the outs for five years I mean it was the whole thing
                                         
                                        where she's like I'm not looking her anymore the whole thing was you know I'd
                                         
                                        show up she's like who are you you know I was like who do you Netflix but that was
                                         
    
                                        a Jim Norton joke but yeah so she's just been out dementia oh I see and you got a
                                         
                                        feeder you got a white brass you got a blower it's the whole thing and so she's
                                         
                                        in a home and I guess I'm in a home too we're all technically but you know what
                                         
                                        I mean I'm gonna have a twice as big a home yeah that's right two floors so it's
                                         
                                        been a long time coming and my dad goes up there every week just to be with her
                                         
                                        and all that and eventually he calls me he goes hey it's not looking good like
                                         
                                        she might not make it through the night she might not make it by tomorrow she'll
                                         
                                        be there who know I'm just letting you know and I'm like all right jeez Louise
                                         
    
                                        and you know you've prepared because it's been so long of this right and so
                                         
                                        then the next day sure enough I get a text like seven in the morning she
                                         
                                        passed it was in her sleep it was you know what do you call it gentle what's
                                         
                                        the word subtle subtle gentle peaceful peaceful easy feeling piecemeal five easy
                                         
                                        pieces so you go all right well that's sad so my brother this is what got me I'm
                                         
                                        at a strip mall in Sacramento in the middle of nowhere I'm walking to the
                                         
                                        crunch gym ooh it's like a 15 20 minute walk I'm walking might be my brother
                                         
                                        texting he's like I'm here now it's a sad state of affairs we're all crying and
                                         
    
                                        I'm like oh that sucks but I'm like all right I'm okay I'm okay and then he
                                         
                                        keeps going and my brother is a he's a closed pamphlet sure he doesn't give
                                         
                                        anything away he's hard as nails okay and he goes I'm so sad man and it's like
                                         
                                        whoa that you don't see he's not a vulnerable cat right and I was like oh
                                         
                                        yeah it's all very sad I'm trying to you know just yeah I like to avoid yeah of
                                         
                                        course push away I'm a big avoider love avoiding so I go oh yeah you know it's a
                                         
                                        sad day what can you do and he just keeps going he's like doubling down he wants to
                                         
                                        talk which is so rare and I'm not used to this right that's not the Norman way
                                         
    
                                        so I'm like oh yeah yeah what are you gonna do and he's like it makes me think
                                         
                                        about mom and dad dying I read that I was like I got my hand on a pillar in a
                                         
                                        strip mall people are walking by with like bags of laundry and groceries and
                                         
                                        I'm like waterworks I lost it I'm in my gym shorts and my dumb comedy club
                                         
                                        t-shirt boy weeping on a sidewalk or strip mall so it was not a pillar of
                                         
                                        strength no pillar of sadness and boy him him showing his emotions is very
                                         
                                        ad normand hey album that astra yeah I get a lot like Sarah gives me that a lot
                                         
                                        the parents I'm not ready for the parents and I'm like stop bringing up my
                                         
    
                                        parents yeah we got a couple years you idiot shut up you come stay but he
                                         
                                        just kept pushing it well cuz they're you know that it's like the death of the
                                         
                                        grandparent is like now the parent is next and then when the parents go now
                                         
                                        it's like oh yeah we're next that we're next point I thought I think I upset my
                                         
                                        mother when I got married I was like the next time we'll all be together as a
                                         
                                        funeral and she's like Jesus what are you saying that for and I was like oh sorry
                                         
                                        I don't know it's like plane crashes certain things you're not supposed to
                                         
                                        comment right right right but you're that's uh that's the that's the sad
                                         
    
                                        things but yeah we're all gonna but I never worry about the parent dying because
                                         
                                        I'm always afraid I'm gonna die I'll deal with that when they die I'm like
                                         
                                        I'm scared I'm gonna die yeah I don't I'm the other way I don't think about me
                                         
                                        dying by them dying the house then it's just you and then my brother had a kid
                                         
                                        so you start thinking like wow the grandma's gone the kid is here like it's
                                         
                                        just life it just key and then eventually she'll die and she'll have a kid and that
                                         
                                        kill okay you know it just keeps going the circle of life at some point every
                                         
                                        single person on earth right now will be gone yes and and the grand scheme of
                                         
    
                                        things not very long for now just like just a quick blip I mean think about the
                                         
                                        middle ages and the Renaissance and the cowboy time and the recovery or whatever
                                         
                                        they'll great depression all over those people are all coming gone and they all
                                         
                                        got boners they all farted they all got laid they all ate each other out they
                                         
                                        all had a meal gone it's just about being together I guess so and cowboy time
                                         
                                        another porn name by the way a crazy stat is or whatever you call it
                                         
                                        blurb we'll call it a blurb blip if all of time was a 24-hour clock human
                                         
                                        beings got here at 1159 p.m. we've been here for a minute where'd you get that
                                         
    
                                        and we've already I say it's out there Pepsi can but they it's all we've all
                                         
                                        just been here for a minute and we're destroying the entire ecosystem in just
                                         
                                        that one minute it's pretty wild yeah but I mean you think about all the time
                                         
                                        that we've been here at the Industrial Revolution is only last whatever a
                                         
                                        hundred years yeah right pretty crazy not to mention the internet came up a half
                                         
                                        a second ago oh exactly yeah I mean I mean if we're sticking with the actual
                                         
                                        proper knowledge like less than half a second ago right it's like a jiffy ago
                                         
                                        yes which is an actual mutant of time one one thousand of a second we've
                                         
    
                                        certainly talked about this I'll get paid quite a few times
                                         
                                        choosy mom's choose jiffy but that's that's too bad but she had a good run
                                         
                                        it's like you get sad I guess for in general I guess because it brings the
                                         
                                        family and you start to think but her her death itself there should be no
                                         
                                        sadness towards that because that was a hell of a run 90 years yeah 99 99 yeah
                                         
                                        Jesus Christ but yeah it puts things in the perspective and then you think of
                                         
                                        mortality in general and then you're here and then you're gone the whole thing
                                         
                                        but 99 years we should all be so lucky I know I know and then she kept going like
                                         
    
                                        what is it when am I gonna die what's taking so long I want to die I want to
                                         
                                        die and my dad's like I know I know like what do you do it's brutal man yeah it
                                         
                                        becomes a relief well they say the thing about debt that takes a long time harder
                                         
                                        on the person dying but easier on the loved ones right sudden death easier on
                                         
                                        the person dying but much harder on the loved ones interesting it's a little bit
                                         
                                        of a flippity flow I said sudden death you don't care you just die you went a
                                         
                                        lot you died but then I got a deal if you just drop dead I have to be like oh my
                                         
                                        god what I do at the podcast how am I gonna make up that income right the
                                         
    
                                        patreon do I still have the patreon money it would be a really hard for me
                                         
                                        Greg Stone to replace yeah yeah that that's a good point by the way that would
                                         
                                        be great sudden death is like a term in a game show that's a little harsh isn't
                                         
                                        it like we're gonna go down to sudden death oh yeah that's a bit hard hockey yeah
                                         
                                        I mean yes and these are already people fighting mmm it's up there I don't know
                                         
                                        probably sounds like you sound like you're taking a PC angle though you're
                                         
                                        one of those people I don't think we should be saying death well I don't call
                                         
                                        it sudden loss I don't want to get rid of it I just want to I'm just noting that
                                         
    
                                        pretty heavy right right it's kind of like when they say friendly fire you're
                                         
                                        like well the guy died right there's a bit are you like something all right it's
                                         
                                        got a little more edge to it I got it friendly fire this also friendly to me
                                         
                                        you guys got a bullet up his ass folks yes hello not friendly I like that yeah
                                         
                                        yeah that guy gave me a friendly handshake that I get friendly fire I got
                                         
                                        shot in the eyeball with a fucking revolver I tell you I went to friendly
                                         
                                        as I had an ice cream with a cherry on top it was no bullet to the chest there
                                         
                                        it is that's a bit all right all right writing it down hey folks yeah we're
                                         
    
                                        talking about erectile dysfunction it ain't easy kids usually we just brush
                                         
                                        it off or blame ourselves and say things like I lost my mojo or you know you
                                         
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                                        get that boner send me a photo wrap this up and then we'll get off to your
                                         
                                        second floor landlord we're gonna keep that going so I just got it just one
                                         
                                        more thing about LA I had so much fun in LA and I finally I think because I did
                                         
                                        Rogan I felt like I was in right you know sometimes you go to the store you're
                                         
                                        like hey that's a cool play but this is the same my my shit oh I never feel in
                                         
                                        at the store exactly mainly because the doorman showed at me like I'm a fucking
                                         
                                        like penetrating a fortress get in the back of the line you fucking nerd I'm on
                                         
    
                                        the show come guzzler I know I told you I'm like this is a text from Joe Rogan
                                         
                                        sorry get out of here I fucking blew Louie in the 80s get out exactly yeah
                                         
                                        you up for Dane for Christ's sake yeah I know Dane cook so great Dane so too many
                                         
                                        cooks in the kitchen I go up I got my headline in the belly room which is a
                                         
                                        lot of fun I got Ian Lara I got Dean Delray you know the whole gang were in
                                         
                                        that green room we're shucking and jiving the set was sold out the set goes
                                         
                                        great everybody kills and then you walk out of there like let me see who's in
                                         
                                        the main room Wow Bill Burr sold out main room wow you just get to watch a
                                         
    
                                        couple of ten minutes of Bill Burr he's got a brand new set cooking after his
                                         
                                        special and then he gets off and I'm hanging out with Santino I'm hanging
                                         
                                        out with Josh Potter a couple guys and Burr's like hey Mark and I'm like hey
                                         
                                        he's like why you tell me you're in town I was like I don't know what am I gonna
                                         
                                        text you I'm coming in town you could have done my pot I was like whoa and I
                                         
                                        had no guests he has guests he has a guest every now and then no kidding yeah
                                         
                                        he's at Stan Hope on I think he's just like comics I don't know but so he goes
                                         
                                        eh well next time do you smoke cigars and I'm not a big cigar cat but I said
                                         
    
                                        sure we go up on the roof of the store what smoke as a guard to be him Brad
                                         
                                        Williams oh my god can you see over huh can you see over the lead we put him on
                                         
                                        a stool and yeah it was just great and we watched we started talking about Adam
                                         
                                        Sandler because I saw Sandler at the Netflix building wow by the way
                                         
                                        Sandler basketball shorts flip-flops dirty t-shirt yeah I don't care for that
                                         
                                        why he's made it this whole thing's weird to me what do you mean I shouldn't
                                         
                                        say anything I like saying that he's great that's a thing though he's like
                                         
                                        I just wear the little shorts come on I'm not talking about his act here I'm
                                         
    
                                        just saying like it's cool I'm at Netflix shaking in my new balances and he's
                                         
                                        like whatever I'm aware flip-flops fuck these people I don't know it is cool I
                                         
                                        think he's amazing okay I love him something's up well you never know I
                                         
                                        mean the guy's the nicest guy in the world he's a nice guy he's famous for
                                         
                                        being like the nicest guy in the whole planet what's the beef I got no beef I'm
                                         
                                        just saying put some pants on all right that's okay you're allowed to have that
                                         
                                        take no I have some shorts I like the show I think I'm just you know what it is
                                         
                                        I'm jealous I'm projecting I like basketball shorts yes you wear
                                         
    
                                        pants you wear sweats not to the fucking party I wear Ted Baker when it's time
                                         
                                        to get down to business yeah but he doesn't they're there they're blowing him
                                         
                                        he's not blowing them unlike me I was blowing them you're blowing them I'm
                                         
                                        not blowing or getting blown yeah I'm out of the business you gotta I'm over
                                         
                                        here at the funny farm going hey you've been on Netflix you want a CD that's true
                                         
                                        ah you're in the biz that's true and Rogan that's true so my point is I'm
                                         
                                        doing all right yeah why are you hating on old pajama pants over here I hate
                                         
                                        myself it's projecting I hate myself and so I gotta go after other people that
                                         
    
                                        are known for being the nicest person in the world well we got to the bottom of
                                         
                                        that now yeah I got some problems all right we all got problems I'm sitting in
                                         
                                        a shit-stained underwear but either way you go to net I go I'm on the roof and
                                         
                                        we start talking about Sandler and Burgos always got a new movie out and
                                         
                                        everybody's like it looks great it looks great so he goes that fuck it and he
                                         
                                        pulls his phone out we're all smoking cigars he pulls his phone out in the
                                         
                                        night air LA roof comedy store we just watched the trailer and go whoa well
                                         
                                        then we comment on it was a great wow that's a good time comedy moment is
                                         
    
                                        watching the trailer talking about Sandler smoking the night away talking
                                         
                                        about the state of comedy I didn't know there was a roof I didn't either they
                                         
                                        built it they're doing a comedy store documentary so they built the roof for
                                         
                                        the documentary that view must have been saying because there's no building
                                         
                                        across currently there's no building across the street you got a hole down
                                         
                                        into the Hollywood Sunset you can see the whole Hills love the hills wow oh my
                                         
                                        god so Hollywood Hills are back in you get another cocktail boom Joey Diaz is
                                         
                                        all like oh everybody loves Joey D let me watch Joey Diaz he's murdering he's
                                         
    
                                        such a presence hmm so just a great great show great night get drunk meet up
                                         
                                        with people the whole thing LA next day back to pitching I'm out there pitching
                                         
                                        that's why I'm there mm-hmm and bomb every pitch and on the third pitch of the
                                         
                                        day it's Netflix that's where I saw Sandler I'm rating their snack snack bar
                                         
                                        or whatever I get up there and I go this is the last pitch this is Netflix let's
                                         
                                        try to bring it so I bring it and I'm shucking and jiving the name of the
                                         
                                        room you know they name the rooms after shows I didn't know that you know like
                                         
                                        I know that they have like the whatever room what's a Netflix show
                                         
    
                                        the orange is the new black the orange a new black room or we'll meet you in the
                                         
                                        Ozark room or whatever so we're in the Luke Cage room okay he's like a big
                                         
                                        superhero black guy sure so the guy walks in and I'm like all right be on
                                         
                                        this is it let's sell this fucking show we're out here I hate myself I'm gay
                                         
                                        let's do it he walks in I go Luke Cage huh it's in the first time I've been
                                         
                                        inside a black man and the guy goes I go no good well that bombed and I go I've
                                         
                                        been sitting on that one for 20 minutes just like him and I'm getting zilt and
                                         
                                        my my manager and the other guy the showrunner guy's like like to give me
                                         
    
                                        that look so then I'm like wow wait till you see this sizzle baby we got a hot
                                         
                                        sizzle and the camera like the video won't work it's like glitching and it's
                                         
                                        showing the ceiling fan you know and I go what is this the Kevin Hart sex tape
                                         
                                        oh god and then he goes the the guy that Netflix guy goes isn't that crazy they're
                                         
                                        like she's suing him for that like he's getting sued for this and I go well if
                                         
                                        you ask me it's the funniest thing he's ever done oh yeah you know I produced
                                         
                                        the the last four of those specials all right well the Luke Cage asshole comment
                                         
                                        dug me in a big enough hole but now I'm in the center of the earth folks I think
                                         
    
                                        this pot'll help I'm shitting on a stand on your trash Kevin Hart I think this
                                         
                                        will go well this will be good big big in the business now they're not gonna
                                         
                                        listen so either way I did that after that I had to do a 20 minute pitch to
                                         
                                        uh oh stonehenge over there I was good I was talking to the Trump wall was that
                                         
                                        sign language what's that seven oh boy we were talking about it off air but the
                                         
                                        episode the jacket of Seinfeld go go pull that up right now the jacket with
                                         
                                        Joe Tierney as Elaine's dad when they go in the bathroom the entire show is just
                                         
                                        George and Jerry in the bathroom hiding from Elaine's dad yes yes the waiter was
                                         
    
                                        trembling I can't go back out there we'll tell him we're frightened and we
                                         
                                        have to leave oh yeah we had a funny guy in Korea oh boy what an episode all right
                                         
                                        but yeah you're not you're not gonna be on Netflix not gonna be on Netflix but
                                         
                                        you never know sometimes you think it was a bomb and I was furious also I was
                                         
                                        telling Jim and Sam this today you think you go hey we're gonna go pitch a show
                                         
                                        that's how Hollywood works I overheard a lady going I gotta go listen to these
                                         
                                        guys for like 10 I'll be right back I'll be and then they should talk about me
                                         
                                        talking about the pitch we were talking about my Marin addresses that so well in
                                         
    
                                        his TV show no no his keynote speech from 2011 which is online you can still
                                         
                                        hear it it's a fucking amazing pretty good but he talks about that like you
                                         
                                        gotta remember a lot of these meetings it's just them fill in their day yeah the
                                         
                                        industry they have to fill their calendar that's exactly right and Sarah and I
                                         
                                        were talking about that she got asked to do like an industry showcase or
                                         
                                        something we were talking about nothing comes of it but sometimes it could you
                                         
                                        never know you should do it blah blah blah but if that's another thing of like
                                         
                                        let's get something to get they want to just like we do like we're like let's do
                                         
    
                                        a let's get a let's do a fucking lunch together we'll go get lunch or well let's
                                         
                                        let's shoot a little video it's just like let's fill something up let's do
                                         
                                        something so we feel like we're doing something they're like what put together
                                         
                                        showcase give us some young comics we'll go out and for them they go now I don't
                                         
                                        want to sound bitter or whatever but it's like they they get to go out it's
                                         
                                        nice they get some cocktails everyone at whatever network you know fucking MTV
                                         
                                        they're like yeah we'll all go out tonight we'll work all day we'll go home
                                         
                                        we'll shower we'll go get some cocktails we'll watch some comics right that's like
                                         
    
                                        a big night out but fills their calendar but they're not gonna it's not like
                                         
                                        they're like that's our new VJ right a killer five minutes set but that's how
                                         
                                        we make it sound like I'm gonna get discovered and and you know you work on
                                         
                                        this pitch at night and day you get the deck together you get the video together
                                         
                                        somebody edits the video the whole thing's a ton of money and then you
                                         
                                        show up and they're like who are you we have you're like oh we got this idea and
                                         
                                        they're like wow I don't care like what could be a TV show like oh why why would
                                         
                                        we buy this right because it's funny and they're like I don't care it's kind of
                                         
    
                                        like we've talked about this before I used to always feel this way when I
                                         
                                        auditioned for Montreal or even late next you sort of tape you like this just
                                         
                                        get me on just put me on it'll be great it'll be great I can't don't worry about
                                         
                                        whatever I swear to God I'll do great I won't embarrass you but everybody could
                                         
                                        say that but they're not as yeah but no they can't but they don't know that that's
                                         
                                        what I'm saying right I can say it but you're like that's what I'm saying I'm
                                         
                                        like trust me I do it I do it very I'm very good yeah I swear to God just put
                                         
                                        me on I'll do great but then you sit there and you go I'm in this pitch I
                                         
    
                                        hate this lady you know she's doing that thing where you're doing you're doing
                                         
                                        your pitch and then you look at her and she goes yeah like she pops a smile on
                                         
                                        because she caught you looking at her right so you just know like God she
                                         
                                        hates this I hate this I want to leave and then you go do Rogan you go do Dr.
                                         
                                        Drew and you get your phones blowing up you're like this is where I should be
                                         
                                        right you go do the store you're killing you're like why am I in this dump
                                         
                                        with these fucking yahoo's don't get it well another thing to remember too is
                                         
                                        they're all I just found a hole in my jeans these are like fucking three weeks
                                         
    
                                        old damn shit but another thing to remember is they're all they're human
                                         
                                        being so a lot of times you're pitching you're like I'm bombing but they're
                                         
                                        sitting there going my wife's pregnant my dad broke his ankle I gotta go over
                                         
                                        there and bring him his air cast and got him a banana grandma's dead yeah so
                                         
                                        it's like they're they've got their own shit going on we think of industry is
                                         
                                        like these superhuman people that know and think things not anymore and but
                                         
                                        there you know they got herpes and the shits and ADD themselves yeah well it's
                                         
                                        funny because after the meeting the last pitch I noticed in the break room of
                                         
    
                                        Netflix they had cereal so I said hey manager agent that was hell we bombed I
                                         
                                        blew it I'm gonna sit here and eat this cereal and like reflect and they're like
                                         
                                        okay so they left I just sat at the counter in Netflix and ate a bowl of
                                         
                                        cereal and had stole a bunch of bars it was nice and the lady happened to walk
                                         
                                        by who was in the meeting and she was like oh hey what are you doing here I was
                                         
                                        like I had cereal and now I don't give a fuck they just ate my asshole on on the
                                         
                                        in the pitch and she was like all right well what are you up to in LA now she's
                                         
                                        eating cereal we're talking I'm like I'm doing what she's like I love Rogan I
                                         
    
                                        used to work on fear factor tell him I said hi so I go hey right now we're
                                         
                                        having a real thing there you go yes like it's it's much easier yes and there's
                                         
                                        no show and now now I can tell she's like oh this guy I kind of like this guy
                                         
                                        right before she was like this guy's wasting my time that's it's well that's
                                         
                                        similar to a lot of things in life auditions or stand up you got to get to
                                         
                                        the point where it doesn't matter anymore yeah about Shawshank where he's like
                                         
                                        state staple your papers there sonny asshole that's so true and it's like
                                         
                                        what's when you don't care or you've done it a million times that's why stand up
                                         
    
                                        sets is so important because you do five to ten thousand hours bullshit and then
                                         
                                        you're just like that's whatever I do but pitches it's like your third pitch ever
                                         
                                        even when you're doing a lot it's like 20 times yeah yeah think about where you
                                         
                                        are with 20 sets oh you're garbage garbage on a hot plate I mean the first
                                         
                                        thousand sets it's like yeah you're trash get out of here yeah I guess you're
                                         
                                        right I guess you're right yeah it's like a hot date you know somebody goes you
                                         
                                        two should get together and then you go out and you're like it's so forced and
                                         
                                        weird but then you see each other three years later at the movies and you go
                                         
    
                                        how you been and it's way better it takes forever that's like stand up you got
                                         
                                        like a lot of young people like I'm gonna try stand up tonight for the first time
                                         
                                        any advice and you like you got to get advice from someone that's done it ten
                                         
                                        times I want to sound like an asshole like I'm beyond giving you advice yeah I
                                         
                                        gotta give advice to a four-year person right you got to get 800 sets and I'm
                                         
                                        like yeah then we'll start talking yeah two sets three sets I don't know get up
                                         
                                        there and fucking eat your asshole and figure something out get him get the
                                         
                                        mic out yeah exactly I'm like you got you got to log some hours right that's a
                                         
    
                                        good point I got Steve Rogers should call me be like hey whoa bull bull yeah
                                         
                                        yeah yeah people of that ilk pretty good Steve Rogers speaking of that ilk I
                                         
                                        worked with this fellow named Pedro Gonzalez I know I told you but if you
                                         
                                        looked him up funny very funny lunch he's Colombian great accent great joke great
                                         
                                        writing the good word play and all that shit very very good very funny what a
                                         
                                        young whippersnappers out there was the eight years in five years hard to tell
                                         
                                        six yeah six year guy and there's him and Steve Rogers and Caitlin Palufo and
                                         
                                        that's it that's about it Dina Hashim is funny oh yeah done some shit already
                                         
    
                                        yeah yeah she's been around it's funny killer of course it's all topsy-turvy
                                         
                                        now cuz I'll be out in LA and I'll see some like five year guys six year guy and
                                         
                                        I'm like yeah I'm bigger than this guy and then he's like yeah I'm out here I
                                         
                                        just sold a show and I'm like God jeez like you can't tell anymore now you can't
                                         
                                        tell and it's also weird now I'm like this week I'm celebrating 19 years which
                                         
                                        is goofy goofy I'm at a comedy today at the stand like a bringer show you get
                                         
                                        17 I'm 20 years older than him 17 like crazy I mean Seinfeld was off the air
                                         
                                        when this kid was born oh my is that weird like these people this will be
                                         
    
                                        taught we were talking about this before it's like it's surprising that people
                                         
                                        aren't more like us you guys Seinfeld you guys are doing the thing they don't
                                         
                                        listen to the show they don't know what the fuck Seinfeld is they don't even see it yeah
                                         
                                        you have to be in your 80s to know Seinfeld they know Seinfeld as Kameen's
                                         
                                        and Karr's guy or the guy from modern Seinfeld the Twitter handle right there's
                                         
                                        people that think he likes stinks like ah that old guy that hates colleges he's
                                         
                                        there you like what yeah he's like top ten ever you fucking asshole and the
                                         
                                        shows number one so yeah yeah these young snappies that oh we're like old we're
                                         
    
                                        how about that that's weird it is but again it's all it all blends more now
                                         
                                        they used to be clear cut lines now I think it's all blending I don't know what
                                         
                                        that means I don't either well I just say it like what lines well it's like I was
                                         
                                        saying like there's a five-year guy who's selling a show and you're 19 years and
                                         
                                        you're trying to sell a show right I'm saying it's not as clear it used to be
                                         
                                        like oh he's a new guy fuck him right yeah every now that you have an outlier
                                         
                                        like an Eddie Murphy or something well now this is a big difference I think with
                                         
                                        the internet and podcasts people can figure out how you're supposed to be
                                         
    
                                        doing it that's what for the first 10 years I had Boston guidance I was like
                                         
                                        oh no you're right jokes and you only have 20 minutes and you don't talk to
                                         
                                        anybody that's older than you right and now I didn't even think to get a
                                         
                                        manager I'm like a manager what pitching a show that's I'm still
                                         
                                        recovering from that yes whereas now they all read a success book and they're
                                         
                                        reading Gullman tips and they're listening to our show they go okay here's what
                                         
                                        you gotta do right do this and that and then this I gotta get an agent and get a
                                         
                                        late night not to mention they got crashing they got knocked right whatever
                                         
    
                                        the hell the comedian it's all this company stuff like Apatow's got a
                                         
                                        Shanling dock like we didn't have it we had comedian the document that was the
                                         
                                        biggest thing ever that was the most insidery look into comedy of all time
                                         
                                        right now there's eight of those every day on Netflix these young kids got
                                         
                                        Catherine Heigl to show the way um but so it's a lot different and also I was a
                                         
                                        fucking drunk fucking self-hating idiot yeah half of that still but um or two
                                         
                                        thirds maybe um but hey let me tell you about a little a little something
                                         
                                        gone off on the industry there I know we're wacky and smacky sand look wacky
                                         
    
                                        and smacky that's a good name better than pain and anal they replaced them
                                         
                                        well I think I had a pain and anal pun but it went the past
                                         
                                        pain and maybe I tried it and it's stuck actually all right okay
                                         
                                        pain and enamel that's a pain enamel I don't know I gotta go to the dentist
                                         
                                        tomorrow back at the dentist I've been putting it off for so long I hate it
                                         
                                        it's just a cleaning but I just want to kill myself another root
                                         
                                        no it's a cleaning but who knows what it leads to
                                         
                                        all of a sudden he goes oh you need to have your asshole whitened
                                         
    
                                        that's not a bad idea for what I've seen
                                         
                                        get it whitened wiped and uh tightened uh well let me tell you tightened here's
                                         
                                        something I've uh talked about uh a couple times a lot I'm gay
                                         
                                        it's a lot silent rea no no no brandy carlile oh I'm obsessed with carlile everyone knows
                                         
                                        about the carlile I was being wonder big fan I'm at she's just she's unbelievable
                                         
                                        she's touched my heart and my ass and my cock and uh I just undercover love this uh love this
                                         
                                        artist so she's playing at the guard now here's the thing I've done a million times most cocks
                                         
                                        are undercover by the way yeah it's rare to see a a uncovered an uncovered cock you get in trouble
                                         
    
                                        for that shit true you can't afford an uncovered cock uh-huh um your cock you gotta tell me
                                         
                                        that's in it's in draft oh yeah that's funny all right um I think we have something there maybe
                                         
                                        we should do that that should be like a patreon video I love it undercover cock and we're just
                                         
                                        you know something something happens yeah yeah yeah that's one of those movies where you can tell
                                         
                                        they got the title first you know what I mean you've watched those movies of course I think they
                                         
                                        came up with the title and then I'm trying to they go on I oh I thought about that with ad astra
                                         
                                        I think they saw a resemblance between Brad Pitt and Tommy Lee Jones and like let's write a movie
                                         
                                        around that Tommy Lee Jones yeah he plays the dad of Brad Pitt they have kind of some similar
                                         
    
                                        looks I could see that and so I think they were like what if we had Tommy Lee Jones be the dad
                                         
                                        and then they're like that's not bad and they're like what we'll make it in space people like space
                                         
                                        right and then they go you know what movies great I watched the other night on netflix apocalypse now
                                         
                                        I'm like all right we got it yeah Tommy Lee Jones is Brad Pitt's father they shoot him to space and
                                         
                                        then everything else is apocalypse now and there's your film let's see picture was it any good
                                         
                                        that was fine I watched it here's what I do is this little test for movies I have a movie test
                                         
                                        a nice Joe list movie test where an hour and 40 minutes in and I thought if the screen went out
                                         
                                        if there was an electrical surge I'd go like this there and head home that's good I don't care
                                         
    
                                        whatever happens all right they get together and they live happily ever after he kills him okay he
                                         
                                        kills him one of them kills the other one or they get together I don't really give a shit
                                         
                                        you weren't invested no I was enjoying it enough it was fine it was a little stupid
                                         
                                        got it all right all right that's all I needed so Brandy Carlisle is playing at Madison Square
                                         
                                        Garden now I feel invested in her success because I heard about her when she was small playing
                                         
                                        smaller venues and so I've really followed her career in the last couple years she's slowly
                                         
                                        blown up and so I got to see her at the Gorge back in May which was amazing Gorge we talked about
                                         
                                        it was gorgeous George and then I'm going to see at the Ryman in February you played there in January
                                         
    
                                        great van I can't wait I've been outside many times never been inside it's like the cathedral
                                         
                                        of music and then the garden of course is like these three huge venues the garden is the garden
                                         
                                        she's really made it she's made it she's popped off blown up the whole thing so I bought ticket
                                         
                                        the day they went on sale I bought tickets I couldn't wait I woke up early got the tickets
                                         
                                        that was like six months ago but the tickets are in the section 218 I don't know is that bad they're
                                         
                                        not bad but it's like that second level and we're like the far corner uh-huh you're happy to be in
                                         
                                        the room for a show like that but this always happens to me the time comes the day of the show
                                         
                                        I start looking at stub hub going maybe we can upgrade upgrade I start looking at the upgrade I
                                         
    
                                        always get upgrade it's compulsive it's a problem so all day I'm just looking I'm like okay this one's
                                         
                                        200 this is 300 our tickets are whatever and then it gets to me I'm like I'm gonna wait for about
                                         
                                        two hours out I'll make my decision two hours before show time it's 6 p.m. I just ripped that
                                         
                                        band-aid off I go for it I find section B on the floor row seven seats one and two I'll seat seven
                                         
                                        row dead center 400 bucks for the pair I go for it I'm going in baby but wait do you lose the other
                                         
                                        no I still have the ticket I bought those six months ago so yeah I lost the money you got a scalp
                                         
                                        well it's not a big scalp event here's the thing she's blown it she's sold out but like on stub
                                         
                                        hub though my seats are on stub of like 12 bucks ah it's like she sells out but she's maxed out at
                                         
    
                                        15,000 I it's not like people are clamoring to get in I see where the stub of numbers are like below
                                         
                                        face value oh everyone has a ticket holding on to their ticket so the ticket people the people
                                         
                                        that get the tickets and sell them at a higher price they're going fuck we're they're losing money
                                         
                                        here right because nobody it's not that she's not at that level yet got a pearl jam if you want to
                                         
                                        buy a ticket on the secondary market it's like 800 bucks 400 bucks but she's at mid level still
                                         
                                        good good for you I bought four tickets so I just ate the other ticket I've done this so many times
                                         
                                        where I have four tickets and only two of us going so I texted a couple people Sam ready a few people
                                         
                                        go anyone want to go to the show silent re is gonna get her if you keep eating these tickets
                                         
    
                                        you got a good point there with the train and now this so it's great so we go there and now
                                         
                                        pop because I just I'm like forget about the money the money's gone it's 400 bucks whatever
                                         
                                        plus the hundred I spent on here it's about 500 bucks for this thing all right all right but
                                         
                                        I always feel this way I've said it before I'm never gonna be like oh if I just had that 500
                                         
                                        dollars I might be I might be poor some way yeah but when you get to the garden oh yeah and then
                                         
                                        you get off the escalators early before everyone else and go up I'm in here and you go to those
                                         
                                        floor seats you show them that ticket and they go you're right down and then you come in the
                                         
                                        back end like far from the stage and you just walk and it's like George sitting behind the dug up
                                         
    
                                        I'm still going he's still going we go all the way to that seventh row wow you think you died
                                         
                                        and went to heaven baby and we're sitting there and mom's maybe he's opening or no who is it
                                         
                                        she's around no not mom's maybe the other stables maybe stables I don't know maybe the
                                         
                                        state yeah she's a legend she's great she's up there ripping it she's rolling on a river the whole
                                         
                                        thing I like and it's great and you're seven rows and now these brandy people it's all these people
                                         
                                        that follow every I think the same people I saw at the gorge and the last few times I've seen it's
                                         
                                        like these these packs of lesbians for lack of a better term that they just they love her and
                                         
                                        they're everywhere yeah and now and all the straight guys you see we're all dragged by the
                                         
    
                                        girlfriend but we're flipped so I was like okay I gotta go see brandy carlyle my gay husband's
                                         
                                        obsessed with brandy so she's kind of like okay here we are I mean she enjoys it but I'm like
                                         
                                        I got my brandy shirt on I'm crying I'm like whoa we need a term for packs of you know the pack of
                                         
                                        sharks is a school or pack of crows is a murder a murder a murder what do you think lesbians would
                                         
                                        be I don't know I'm thinking softball team well I don't want to hurt any feelings I get very nervous
                                         
                                        oh I don't want to hurt any feelings either I'm just we've been saying horrible things all year
                                         
                                        okay maybe a bit more horrible what a dyke murder now what are you you're using murder
                                         
                                        oh I can't hear you well you gotta bet they got their own a school of fish you know flock of seagulls
                                         
    
                                        okay I see what you're saying gays are either parade or or a musical but a parade is a thing
                                         
                                        isn't it a parade of elephants or something like that oh all right all right yeah you probably have
                                         
                                        a little pride of lions gay pride gay pride would be good a gay pride but you can't if you're not
                                         
                                        reusing I don't know maybe the C3POs that's just what I see in the mirror I'm not a good improviser
                                         
                                        how are you pretty good well there's a bunch of C3POs around us all right all right
                                         
                                        I was like oh I'm gonna go a softball team but it's a little long a softball team okay sure well
                                         
                                        there's softball teams up the ass yeah I mean everywhere yeah all right maybe a scissor of ladies
                                         
                                        oh there it is are we pounding that what is that I know I was so proud of you a scissor of ladies
                                         
    
                                        all right well there's scissors everywhere I love it okay and um a labia a hatchet wound all right
                                         
                                        now I'm just naming vaginas well there's scissors everywhere I'm pumped I'm excited I hope she never
                                         
                                        here it's like I want oh maybe dildos a dildo of ladies okay strap on I thought we decided on scissors
                                         
                                        I got a pound I almost got a pound a first pound I've ever got all right you're right scissors
                                         
                                        also knows a hashtag gas tag I like that all right that's nice keep it moving plan parent
                                         
                                        will remove those for you if you have a gas tag they zip it off anyways yes zip it up and zip it out
                                         
                                        we sit there seventh row and uh I'm just so pumped and then she comes out and I gotta tell you and
                                         
                                        this is embarrassing yeah but this has happened before these brandy Carlisle shows for me the
                                         
    
                                        garden the lights go down it's whoa I said the lights go down and then that was wow if you're
                                         
                                        watching the video go to the youtube and watch that that was a big moment get on the youtube you're
                                         
                                        missing half the battle and subscribe to the youtube and patreon you got that right so she comes out
                                         
                                        the music comes down the lights go down you know that moment at a concert is one of the great
                                         
                                        moments in all of life it's it's like when the bra comes off slowly the panties come down exactly
                                         
                                        it's it's amazing you better get fucked and the band comes out first and you're so excited everyone's
                                         
                                        going crazy and I'm getting like emotional and then she comes out and does this like I made it I'm at
                                         
                                        the garden and to like live that moment with her it was pride I can't tell you what else it was but
                                         
    
                                        pride beautiful I started crying I'm like oh my god I'm so because I feel invested it's like I've
                                         
                                        been on this ride with this woman and also there's something to the fact that she's so little and
                                         
                                        you're that close you see it's not like you're watching a stage in the distance you can see her
                                         
                                        and her she's a petite woman is she and she comes out and it's like 15,000 people going crazy and
                                         
                                        this is where I'm like I'm a I'm a secretly woke I like to throw the language around here but I'm a
                                         
                                        real woke douche I mean we're a couple liberal cucks and she comes out and it's like because she's
                                         
                                        a small woman and gay I just think of like how much this woman has like been through overcome
                                         
                                        and she's been around forever she's not like an overnight success she's got six albums wow
                                         
    
                                        finally breaking and to see we're on a similar journey and look at that in the business you
                                         
                                        know where you've been through it and up and down and over and out and it's still a man's world
                                         
                                        after all and she comes out and she's just this little like oh it just goes wow and everyone's
                                         
                                        just going nuts I'm like oh my god and you you have that moment beautiful where you're like
                                         
                                        you did it yes you did it you kept going you fucking you were a little kid and you learned
                                         
                                        how to play guitar and you wanted to be a musician and you were this rock and roll and she's stuck
                                         
                                        between she's part a little bit country she's a little bit grunge she's got some rock and roll
                                         
                                        she's got all this stuff she kept writing and pushing and going and going and going and all
                                         
    
                                        of a sudden she talked about playing mercury lounge and they had all their stuff stolen just
                                         
                                        like sarinized luggage was stolen look at that she prayed mercury lounge she comes out and like
                                         
                                        all their shit's gone and she's got these two twins that play guitar and bass in the band and
                                         
                                        and they would like she'd give split her money with them and they were like they would bust and
                                         
                                        stuff and they would just sneak the money back into her thing because she was so broke they must
                                         
                                        come from some kind of money or something getting whimsy here oh I was so whimsy and then the show
                                         
                                        just rock I mean she wails and she kills I mean it's an amazing show I can't wait to see it again
                                         
                                        and there's something like I said it's like I don't want to sound like it but just the size of this
                                         
    
                                        no I'm with you I get it and like she's doing the garden I'm like I got emotional I'm like you
                                         
                                        did it she made it you fucking did it wow and she did it the right way and uh talent and and and
                                         
                                        such a just seems like such a good person and uh I want to say all these things to her but I'm
                                         
                                        afraid she'll listen to the podcast and then hear us say scissor and dyke and like well maybe she's
                                         
                                        into it she she's a tough chick she's obviously tough enough to make it this whole way and fought
                                         
                                        her way through with a machete and cut all through that labia and pubes and she got there yeah and I
                                         
                                        think she knows we're kidding we're good people but uh but man what a uh what a show killer show
                                         
                                        and you were there for you got to witness some of the rise some of the ride and the rise and I'm
                                         
    
                                        like I've been on that stage too which is another weird thing and uh just an amazing show and I can't
                                         
                                        wait for the rhyming and folks if you're not on board with this day I mean you gotta get in there
                                         
                                        I mean she's a tremendous her lyrics are just tremendous and then that's a lot of the songs
                                         
                                        and stuff and she sings the song the story and all these things and you're just like man you
                                         
                                        fucking did it you son of a bitch do you get real little resentful going like because now
                                         
                                        she'll probably be blowing up soon like mainstream if she's not already yeah she is okay well do you
                                         
                                        get a little bit like hey I was there where were you guys earlier there's a little bit of that but
                                         
                                        that's a weird ego thing that doesn't make sense and uh I feel like uh I've had that before and you
                                         
    
                                        but her thing she's touched me so much that I have to just you just go with it yeah with
                                         
                                        Pearl Jam sometimes I'm like who are the you hear people be like I hope they play alive
                                         
                                        and I'm like get out of here you fucking loser I've been coming to 45 shows that's how I felt
                                         
                                        when I met Carlin I was in line and for the book signing everybody's going he was in Bill and Tim
                                         
                                        oh yeah no idea you fucking chuch but um I gotta I gotta I think I gotta start to wrap up yeah well
                                         
                                        that was beautiful man that was a great little uh crescendo what a true dough what a show and
                                         
                                        rock and roll and uh I love the the power of rock and roll like you're touching my life you got your
                                         
                                        finger right in the pulse of my asshole and they say it's dead but you saw it at the garden so
                                         
    
                                        something's cooking yeah I mean there's there's still great rock and roll I'm going to see white
                                         
                                        reaper in a few weeks you should come along to that I would like to see white reaper Ari and his
                                         
                                        lady I've never even seen her in the flesh I met her once but whatever I don't think she's real
                                         
                                        let's all go if you're listening go to white reaper November 5th that I think it's the
                                         
                                        bowery maybe I think oh it's in the city great I'll can I bring uh the lady 15 bucks yes date
                                         
                                        and I will do a triple date let's do it all right come out guys and tell them uh tell them we sent
                                         
                                        you I listen a little they they they rip oh they're killer they're killer I got Nick Griffin in there
                                         
                                        I'm I'm a tweet tweet at white reaper and say hey Joe lists a big fan and uh he's spreading the anal
                                         
    
                                        all right well spread those kids cheeks folks and uh I'm gonna listen a little carlile I gave
                                         
                                        it a shot once and I was like I like this and then just never did it again oh she's tremendous I mean
                                         
                                        this is really means a lot to me but uh wait let's let's uh let's suck each other's dicks here I gotta
                                         
                                        go where am I this week I'm at uh Appleton Wisconsin what the hell's that club skyline skyline comedy
                                         
                                        club do an album in Appleton I did my album there I think I might bring CDs if you want to buy one
                                         
                                        come on out I'd love to sell some tickets that my numbers are humiliating uh come to Appleton
                                         
                                        skyline comedy club and then uh the week after that god I don't even know where I'm going to be
                                         
                                        I'm in Albany soon Des Moines Iowa uh Burlington Coat Factory in Vermont I'll be there uh Hilarities
                                         
    
                                        December 5th through the 7th uh Laugh Boston November 29 30th if I can't sell tickets at Laugh
                                         
                                        Boston I have to kill myself for god's sakes Boston come on out I live and die with the
                                         
                                        fucking Bruins I'm Irish my uncle's a fireman with a big dick come to the shows it's Thanksgiving
                                         
                                        weekend for god's sakes bring your families November 29th and 30th Portland Maine December 1st
                                         
                                        and uh go get the new t-shirts are they up to be checked yet I'm he said they're out yesterday
                                         
                                        Lewis said that so who knows so that'll be out in a year but go to merch pump.com we got new
                                         
                                        shirts slash Tuesdays and sign up get laughable app make sure you download the laughable and Patreon
                                         
                                        is in full swing full so we just put out a new bonus we got all kinds of clips up there YouTube is
                                         
    
                                        all day long so check it out I've been chessing Michigan this week there's one show not sold out
                                         
                                        that'll be fun cap city comedy club I'd love to get some people in there it's a big room I love
                                         
                                        Austin act me comedy club of Minneapolis what a run that is uh Spokane and Tacoma Pacific Northwest
                                         
                                        Roar and Springfield Mass uh Rooster Teeth Feathers Sunnyvale come on out tech folk bring your
                                         
                                        Teslas and your Priuses and your vapes and your Asian girlfriends then uh we got some other fun
                                         
                                        Santa Anna November 11th live Tuesdays at the Velvet Underground Village Underground that's
                                         
                                        going to sell out so get the real diehard gays in there first we don't want to some chuchin the
                                         
                                        front row who's never heard of a podcast uh can I add this I feel much relieved I want to amend
                                         
    
                                        something I said earlier I got a tweet here it says you didn't finish the landlord story are you
                                         
                                        homeless or what I got another one saying dude what happened with the landlord so I gotta appreciate
                                         
                                        I gotta say thank you and apologize I shouldn't give it 10 minutes I know we're recording at 9 a.m so
                                         
                                        oh yeah uh everything's uh good with the landlord thanks for uh reaching out the people care thank you
                                         
                                        for caring they're on the edge of their anal and uh we gotta get he's gotta get his anal whitening
                                         
                                        so we gotta go we have sex with each other thanks again tell a friend kiss your dad blow your uncle
                                         
                                        dale and show him is your big cock that's a big cock baby sprays all uh soup
                                         
