Tuesdays with Stories! - #319 Weak Turd

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

Hot tamale we got a good one today folks as Mark does shows in Addison and Michigan before a run in with Spike Lee and Joe see's a bike collision. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native Deodorant (nativedeodorant.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey everybody welcome to another Tuesdays with stories I am Joe list hey hey Mark Norman here and we're both here we're both queer we're both gay we're

both homosexual and we're both fat and we both have dicks that's true yeah not some of it now can you have a fat dick oh that's an interesting question do they get the dicks get fat no it's weird the only part of your body doesn't gain weight and you work it out it doesn't gain muscle well it can be the only part of your body your nose doesn't gain weight does it what about a ginbloss what's that mean that's when you and well that's what that's from is when your nose gets all big from drinking it's called a gin blossom oh is that right that's right no idea baby yeah well I thought that was another name for that though

called the something else for that name for that clown nose the Boston proper because I've never heard that before but I've heard what is there another word for that I don't know it call in gin blossom that makes sense I thought there was another word I'm on airplane mode over here we need Shelby to plug something in yeah yeah I don't know I've never maybe there's another drinkers nose it's all red and fat and puffy Rudolph like a Ralphie May kind of thing fuck I thought there was something else to that vein nose vein nose mmm there's bow knows baseball oh yeah you remember that yeah bow knows baseball bow knows football hold

that out of my ass since 88 hold on you keep talking I want to look this okay I thought there was another term I can remember there's a real run of those sports guys remember that pro stars cartoon it was like bow Jackson yes Michael Jordan I think and Wayne Gretzky which I had to throw the honky and I think just to be nice and so kids would watch uh-huh but yeah they would go they'd be like a bank robbery and Wayne Gretzky would hit the guy with a puck yeah Michael Jordan would dunk the bag of money into the car I don't know but it was always something yeah and then bow and bow and just break his hip I guess break their neck yeah Rhino

Fima that ain't it that's what it's called as a condition causing development of a large bulbous nose and maybe bulbous is what I was thinking associated with granulomatous infiltration commonly due to untreated rosacea I don't know I'm talking boozy here well that's what I pulled up it's called it came up drunk nose it's got some photos of some dense a Tremaine and Nikki Glaser here I thought there was another name alcoholic nose well that's a little on the nose white old men have big red noses rhino Fima alcoholics nose Santa had one yeah he kind of does yeah probably boozing up there he looks like an old drunk sea

captain it only works one day a year he's got a bunch of midgets he's got a sense of humor it's like that bourbon goes well in a nog yes egg J nog haha or is David tell calls it elf come yes egg nog that's a joke I would write and cross out yeah but it works for him it is it's up his anal yeah he's uh well that's the thing there's a lot of stuff now that people have that you'd be like Carlin has a boat load that you're like I would never do that but he invented it exactly the thing of I mean all those jokes about the sayings yes down the tubes and lock up the key and throw away the key where you're gonna throw the key

it's right there he's gonna be able to get it you're like alright George take it easy but at the time I was like I love this I know well it was amazing but it just that's why we've talked about this before I love this about comedy it doesn't age well you like that I like that about comedy it's gotta be fresh you watch like if my niece watched you know Seinfeld she'd be like what is this just Jews saying weird stuff and what's up with Jerry's hair exactly that's what she says about our podcast that's all I know should say about but yeah they're right but how cool must it be to invent the thing like the Marx brothers I think

it's duck soup where they do the mirror scene yes like that was never done now it's been mocked in every commercial cartoons do it movies do it yeah they're very good yeah they were tough they were good lunch um anyways I feel off I went to the phone too quick I started reading the phone quick for the phone it was a little we don't have a producer here anymore we got no in studio guy yeah but let's get loose I mean when Shelby was staring at us I had a trickle of sweat running down my ass crack because he's so judgy but it feels like Shelby's in the room because he listens to the full episode which we

appreciate he's God I don't know about that well maybe an angel devil I thought I used to think was there ever a period in your time in your life where you thought Santa was God whoa because I thought God and Santa were like the same guy that's the Irish shit I think well because they're both you know invisible they show up they're up north white yeah clout like the beard they both have that looking thing okay I get you with the beard they give gifts but God or Santa never puts you in the hell or gives you a coal yeah coals from hell interesting that I mean if I was like had a choice between are you gonna spend eternity in

hell or you're gonna get nothing for Christmas I'll take the eternity in hell yeah I'm not afraid of hell that's but it lonely but Christmas gifts would actually come yeah you want the gift I believed in Santa long than I believed in God interesting because Santa I would wake up and they'd be proud by the way I believed in Santa very short period of time sure but I would wake up and they would be as evidence that said hey love Santa right you got results I never saw a guy there was no one walking on water by the way why does God have a beard well that's Jesus but you see videos of God he always has a big white

beard and he looks like a good point and I'm like everyone the president can't have a beard police can't have beards the Yankees can't have beards what's going you have a job interview you're gonna shave the beard I get it I like where your heads at I always thought it was weird but the judge is wearing a robe I'm like we call your honor you're up six feet ahead of me on top of a thing you got a gavel and you're in a robe yeah he looks he's getting a haircut yes he does they should cut the judge's hair while he's judges and by the way I thought this blew my mind the judge doesn't even figure anything out that's

the people the jury the judges just stand there going all right you go that's enough for you you go ahead now he's a ref yes yes that was too long I don't accept that that he should have a whistle fuck the gavel give them a I like that gavel is fun though because it feels you know whatever and a whistle that's for right what if it was a rape case and he's blowing the whistle wouldn't that be ironic that would trigger something with the ladies you might pass out you got something there I think we got some with the judge judge is so pretentious we got to call your honor and say can I approach the bench like who's this guy

and did you know this he's just a guy I remember my uncle saying that the there was a cop one time we're going to the Whitman Hansen football game and my uncle was driving his 66 charger hell of a ride sweet uncle same car in the movie Big Fish that's either here nor there but we were pulling up and then my uncle the cop was like you got to put your blinker on you got no blinker or whatever my uncle was like I got my blinker on you just can't see it looking right there and they started fighting I was like what are you crazy that's a cop yeah this is a white privilege thing but I was like what are you nuts he's like he's just a

guy and he's wrong and I remember being like oh yeah he's just a guy because at that point I remember like a cops were there there at least high right they're just I mean I appreciate the cops I'm not an anti cop guy I'm a pro cop I'm a pro some cop and anti some cop I don't need to know basis there you go individual need to know didn't make sense yeah what do you call it for people to people person to person bases and that's a defense case by case case by case we go right it was the case that they gave me yes suitcase I am case bank that's the best but I remember thinking oh that's a good point they're just

people they just applied for a job and took a test or whatever it's true and they probably couldn't get other gigs and cops you know it's a respectable gig when you you don't have to have any skills right which I'm not shitting on the the men in blue love the blues yes St. Louis blues ah blue jays that Toronto but my point is I like where your uncle's head is at but the guy has a gun he is yes just a man but he's holding a glock well that's what I think like this is about blinkers and he's the guy's yelling at him and I think for the most part you're like no no it is on like it's a weird old I can't remember exactly

what the argument was but it was just because the car is old or size I got the blinkers in a weird spot right he's like you can see it right here so the cop had to be like all right all right well what the fuck you can say fuck you but I don't think he's gonna get shot yes I think a lot of these I mean this is we're getting into dangerous territory because it was a shooting again yesterday cop shot some lady that was in her house through the window I don't know what the fuck went on there but a lot of these times but there's a shooting there's a lot of like fucking get your hands up your son of a bitch doing something I'm

not saying they deserve it but something's happy it's not usually like a hey you have your blinker up my blinker is on right that doesn't usually happen now again my uncle is a white man so but even these racial cases I don't think it most of them I can't think of one where they're like I never you see belt on no no it's on right it's usually some kind of escalation or whatever is this Dale I don't think we're supposed to be talking about this oh yeah this is Michael Brian I think I'll just show his dick and they'd be like whoa yeah that's a turn signal and he's a fireman the fireman the cops help each other out

that's true that's professional courtesy they call it yes it's it's kind of like stand-up I was gonna say improvisers but no there's a bond there no some cross both lines that's like a bisexual improv is one letter away from improve Hedberg is that his oh yeah oh yeah he said I bombed last night and they put the E up on the wall or something like that oh well that's not the insult is like a different oh okay but anyways anyway I'm cool with the cops and I'm cool with the improv people yeah in blacks blacks I'm very cool with yeah well again case by case I don't want to hang out with Ike Turner no he might be

dead is he dead is he dead I don't know I hope he got beaten to death yeah that would be a little medicine and he beats the rap I don't know nice my Drey stink oh that was nice but anyways yeah some the car I won't want to you know some cops are horrible and they just want to shoot people that's another thing they're like a cop shot a guy you're like yeah he's probably crazy well that's probably one of the people he's got a gun he's fucking he wants to I think if you have a job we're talking about this before if you have a job where you get to carry a gun you kind of want to shoot people it's gotta be in there a

little bit military our cops with all due respect to both those positions but I don't want to shoot anyone so I'm not a cop or a military guy right or a hunter whatever I think the dream if you're gonna go cop route is the PI you know empty pizza boxes Hawaiian shirt must that maybe a trench coat and you kind of go up and you got your notepad you all right lady what I would you see and she goes I saw a fucking Jew coming in here and he had a crowbar and a big nose and you're like all right I got it then you go to the next guy and like oh oh he saw you too but it was a ten o'clock you start doing the math right that seems

fun or you could be an investigative journalist similar PI I J wait what do they do an investigator just same thing but then they write a article instead of being like here's the papers here's the photos of your dad fucking your aunt right right they're like here's an article about your dad fucking your aunt they got a little creativity involved they put their own spin on the word yeah they spin it up but I'm afraid everyone's mad at me right now ah no one's mad at me I said a jute joke so we better move on here all right moving but yeah case by case thank you really love that I'm sure that'll be the

title shall bow we can do better than that yeah that's thanks titular that was fun as a kid yeah he's the titular role oh remember that Dolly Parton titular no I don't really remember that I remember like the TV or like a video game it would say height weight sex oh male or female and I would be like whoa sex that's a good one time me and my parents aren't really that we're like co-workers so like no birds in the bees no I don't curse around my parents it's just a weird unwritten thing no birds in the bees and no F's or C's yes there you go and time I was playing a video game with my friend and he said the word afro

diziac and I was like my mom was like you know polishing and something and I was like mom what is afrodisiac and she was like because she had to tell me because I just put her on the spot and she goes that's when you're something turns you on sexually or whatever it was I can't remember the answer and I'm gonna be like oh shit I didn't know that now I'm we know it's weird in here and we're playing the video game there must have been in the 70s a lot of afro diziac jokes I like your hair it's an afrodisiac tweet it maybe I will that's a great term for being in the black guys yes afrodisiac and a decent name for a

black guy hey my name is afro diziac all right that's a stretch but have you noticed they went away from the sex they say gender now instead of sex ah like there's no sex neutral when I was a kid they'd say what's the sex of the thing now they say what's the gender what's the difference well I think there's so much gender talk now that you had to change it to gender because if you would be sex everything like I'm sex positive or I'm gent I'm right sex neutral neutral it sounds weird sex neutral sex politics yes sex fluid no I got some of that my balls yeah me too and sex politics that's like you know Clinton right oh man

I'm fucking eating dicks over here hey that's sex politics wait what I Lewinsky I'm blowing it what she so she now we're doing Clinton jokes what year is it okay reaganomics something do economics voodoo I remember my dad dying at that scene in Ferris Bueller and I was like I don't really catch it yeah he knew what voodoo economics was but they don't need to know that for the punchline I guess so but to me it was just a bunch of kids sleeping and I'm like yeah it's high school yeah yeah these kids that's what it was like that was that guy haha well it is boring and fun yeah I probably had a teacher that was similar

he might have Stein as a teacher that guy wrote Nixon plays speeches yeah my dad would laugh at the weird oh I was watching the sandlot as a kid and there was a lot of screaming in the sandlot like they'd be like the dogs coming all do that my dad was like come on wow does he still does he laugh at you no really it doesn't even I'll say things we're like this will get them and it just yeah boy that's really tough there's nothing worse and family friends podcast obviously or a stand-up show when you got a line you're like this is gonna be big and then it just eats it it eats it all day it's the worst and you have to

it's like a it's like when they pull out a trick play in a football game it's like a ten-yard loss and they're like fuck I was sitting on this all day I really thought this was gonna be something yeah it's tough man and it brings you right back to childhood you feel like you're six years old again you feel like you're this big and you're like no one notices and that's one thing about hanging out with comics because we're all so funny that no one really laughs at each other a lot unless it's like some horribly miscarriage joke or something but then you go hang out with like civilians and you're zinging and zangling I bet you're

hanging out with Derek and you're murdering oh it's unbelievable this time where I'm hanging out socially with regular people and I'm like this is unbelievable I'm killed but it has to be people or family has to be people that I know because when I'm with strangers this is what I think most of the most of my life is being consumed by meeting fans and hanging out with people yes and they're like he's not even trying to be funny this sucks that's a good point goes the other way one time I had a cigar with a Tuesday in Florida and we hung off like two hours because it was like a hockey game on the cigar you stuck there

right you can't leave with a cigar yeah I mean you can but you're not gonna get in the car you're not gonna go inside so we sat there for like two hours and he was like you know I don't mean this offensively but you're not very funny hanging out who is this this is just a fan a gay he might not even be a gay anymore we might have lost him he might have converted to you know straight to something too straight but I sat there and well I'm like well I'm watching a hockey game and I'm having a cigar right it's after the show I think he wants that thing to explode or something you gotta give him some kind of comedy but I'm

that guy I'm not like I know he took a slap shot like a like a mother on a Wednesday night in the Hollywood right I don't have I got nothing I'm just watching the game I'm relaxing I know and I don't know you right I'm uncomfortable when I'm comfortable here there's an audience out there but we don't have to think about it we're just sitting there being goofs and I've noticed that if you let me be it's something's gonna go far I'll slip I'll do something but now the pressure's on now I'm going oh shit it's like somebody saying be sexy right now right how the fuck do I be sexy I don't know but if

you let me be sexy maybe I'll get there yeah you might be sexy maybe if we're trying to take a photo and you're like I'm gonna be sexy in this photo and then you look at the photo and you just want to kill yourself like I got a buck tooth my foreheads of crazy my Adam's apple is weird my dick is small when it was snapping you're like that was I could feel that was good yes you see it later you're like I got three necks I had that moment a lot well I hate myself yeah but I'm with you on the funny thing and we're it's the only business kind of like that you know like it's a singer no one's like you're not singing right now

yeah how come you're not singing yeah how can we not throwing a fastball right we're at dinner and we are funny guys so it's he has a point because we can be funny off stage right but you got to let it happen also I'm like I just did 50 minutes of jokes and you get an hour of podcast yes yes people are weird we talk about it every week it comes up but the whole like oh these guys are introverted they're weirdos they're awkward they're socially insecure but they don't want to hang out but then that one guy's always like hey we should do something I'm like did you listen but they go oh not me he was there with me right I assume that's

they just it's almost like the lottery like oh everybody's gonna lose but I'll win but I also get the opposite quite a bit where sometimes I have Tuesdays that will just hand me like a fucking a plaque they made from hand of my mother being like I made this for you I thought you might like it and then they just run away like I'm sorry I know you hate people come back hello right some gays they're too nervous I'm taking a photo they're shaking and then they leave right away like I'm really sorry I hate myself yeah I'm like no no I like you come to say hello well that's the trick if you you gaze or listen out there you want to

meet the old stretchy balls here just go up and go I'm sorry I hate myself and you'll go come back and now you're in that's not bad but then leave again then leave later we had a guy in Appleton he was just he was lingering for like an hour a lingering and I thought he was gonna shoot up the place it was wild oh wow he was just kind of stand there and he didn't stand in front he kind of stood abreast a jar Applebee wait a nail sex he was just next to like shoulder to shoulder facing this way like he was on the meet and greet line I was like what's going on here yeah very bizarre that's what nice that was a good one but

how about this forget because we're gonna get into some stories oh what the hell right sorry I forgot over I forgot about stories but that smells foul what is that oatmeal I'm eating too much wheat by the way that's a lot of wheat I got two two thoughts two things I want to say to some of the gays first of all speaking of gays bringing gifts Seattle a young kid who might have been 11 this is the youngest gay I've ever met in my life wow that's a young gay yeah I mean he had placenta on his face this kid was so young gave me an autographed Eddie Vedder CD oh Eddie Vedder into the wild soundtrack autographed by Eddie oh dead

center across the thing and first he came up he looked he's a nervous little rascal I'm not this kid his mother was holding his hand oh well he's 11 he walks over and he's very nervous is excited he's like hey I got a gift for you and he had his hand he was moving his hand about so I can kind of see the gift yes which is always awkward yes and I see it's like an Eddie Vedder CD and I thought he's gonna be one of these these putts putts says what's the plural of putts I think it's like like moose like share no way that's not right multiple shares that's the beauty of shares there's only one one of a kind you're in

stocks ah yeah but I meant to say dear did I say share yeah you've gone gay honest how'd you get to share do you believe in funny after love well dear was putts I thought it was there's multiple putts is out there in my life a couple that will give you something to like I know you like Pearl Jam so I got you vitology we're like yeah I have that for 25 years like what are you talking about you're not cute but yeah it's cute so I see the thing and I'm like oh this poor kid he's a retired and he brought home a CD and he's just gonna give me a CD I've had for 20 years no one even listens to CDs what a weirdo yeah we

gotta be nice and I'm being nice I'm going oh well nice house fifth grade going nice to meet you you seem sweet boners I'll teach you how to shave it's time and he hands me the thing he goes I've had this and I go to the same school as any betters daughter and I was like Olivia and he's like you know her name and I was like I got some problems oh yeah then he hands me the CDs like it's autographed I almost shit my pants I came and shit twice the same time my mind is blown it's the best gift I've ever gotten my entire life I mean no offense he doesn't want it that's what I said I was like is this yours do you

think he's like no no he's like you'll appreciate it more he's like I see the guy I know the guy he's like a nice guy sweet he goes to school I mean he could this guy could end up dating he could be any better could be his father at long right right signed pair of panties if he wanted wow but I felt bad cuz I'm like are you sure can I can have this he's like you take it you appreciate him more because one time a guy I forget the guy's name I think he lives in Milwaukee or Madison he gave me like a leather bound limited edition Pearl Jam book which I talked about in the show and another guy might have been the same

guy gave me like guitar picks from Mike McCready or stuff so I've gotten some crazy Pearl Jam things have a jewel case at the house full of a pair of memorabilia paraphernalia I like to all right but anyways he gave it to me I almost started crying best gift I've ever got I felt bad my wife cuz I'm like this is the best gift I've ever got no offense you're out you know she got me a blender once so I want to say thank you to the young whippersnapper I don't even know if he's old enough to listen but that's amazing thanks so much and good-looking kid I might have some freckles oh I feel alive but that's not

how it goes but um anyways I got myself an autograph I got an autographed any better CD I wish you weren't after talking about the lyrics I got an autographed any better CD so thank you you young whippersnapper I forget your name I wrote it down somewhere I don't know where it is cute kid hell of Jeremy hell of a kid oh it'll be something Spokane hey folks speaking of exciting things yes we got a really cool thing that this episode is brought to you by please support the people that support us here here this few weeks advertisement shit cut that cut that this week the show is brought to you by native deodorant

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you and welcome aboard yes spike it and stick around to the end and hear our dates come see us live for God's sakes yeah we need you out there I did Rogan three weeks ago and the first two weekends after that sold out every show Wow unbelievable Oklahoma City we sold all that out got to say thanks you sold out Sacramento that was amazing and just had a great week and then grandma died Oh dead granny I think I mentioned yeah we talked about it quite a bit did we talk about the funeral not the funeral all right I'll just make it quick flew down felt like a good son by the way because it was totally wrecking my week

but it's grandma yeah grandma it's a big trip so I had to cancel a bunch of shit flew down on a Wednesday to Baton Rouge tiny airport that's where she lived about an hour outside of New Orleans stayed in a motel 12 piece of shit hellhole this is how bad the motel was I just got a quick wings I was gonna be there eight hours and out sure they said hey it's a free breakfast from six to ten or whatever I go great I'll be up at fucking seven eating that shit I get to the breakfast at like 720 I gotta be out the door by 745 is gonna have a quick nugget it ran out they ran out at 720 I've never heard they started at six it goes six to nine

I think what I was like oh I'm in the cushy middle baby they're gonna be we're gonna be winding and dining with waffles and eggs and biscuits ran out of everything I mean there was a couple cereals there was a banana and a plate of semen it was done it was nothing there so I was like where's all the eggs cuz you know there's a hot plate that's what you want that egg and the potato and the bacon the sausage you gotta get a fresh egg too oh this was a placenta miscarriage abortion there was nothing left the egg thing was gone the sausage thing was gone it was a couple of patots left I threw them on the plate they look like

brutal I've never heard of that in my life the guy was like yeah once it's out it's out what that's insane you got two two hours to go here fatty yeah I don't like this one bit yeah alright so I go to the funeral it's weird you see everybody and now there's a weird thing with like show busy stuff because you know these are nice Louisiana God fearing people right and you just show up they're like tell us about Seinfeld and tells about this and who's your dad and how do you tell big your dick and all this you're like that's weird and but you try to get along and you make you make nice and I would they made me a

Paul bear oh that's fun I've ever been a Paul bear oh it's heavy how many Paul bears are there there's three on each side six yes so she was a you know a little old lady so it wasn't it wasn't that heavy but it's a big-ass wooden crazy coffin there and it's the real you're like well I'm holding a body yeah that's exciting it's pretty fun the dead body and you feel like hey you know when you're at a party and now you're DJing or you're dealing drinks you feel like you need me here I'm important yeah you're of service thank you roll the roll bones on over here yes nervous in the service so then we have a big

little thing together we we meet and hang out and all the family high fives you take your photos I hang out with my brother his kids are there they're fun that's fun the daughter really likes me which feels good she's like seven days the niece yeah that's nice yeah which feels I got her on my back I got a head lock or it was a big pot of jambalaya and I picked her up and she was like no uncle mark that's great that's fun yeah but you don't have a kid but so get out of there go straight to Oklahoma City great gig leave there go straight to Sacramento I believe no Addison I don't know I've been everywhere was there an

Oklahoma City bombing yes there for a few minutes I didn't do great okay but yeah nice people and everybody wants to hang out did a podcast good times listen up the pot we did in the backstage called boys I guess it's no women I don't know that's the name of the podcast boys with a Z nope okay if it was a Z I might not have done it well it's tough to Google that podcast yeah the title I guess you know podcast comes from iPod oh that makes sense makes sense I just learned that today well yeah pod yeah hmm but if you know where else would pod be from we're not sitting a pod right we're

not eating pee pods pour a potty yeah so so yeah so those we can sold out that I went straight to Addison half full it's me in fact Chris Al we had a great time great club Addison improv have you been there I've never been there it's great it's like they got good history there it's in like at the suburbs of Dallas and great club now here's the clinker this is when it gets to a story clink it up one Tony hinge clips in town he's like hey I'm at hyenas you want to do kill Tony which is just so fun you know you're like I'm in the city he's in another part of the city he's sold out you rush over you get to be funny and

you leave Tony hinge clink were you there when the fucking Jeremiah kicked in the head we that that way yes oh my god about that it's all over the internet looked fucking horrifying I felt horrible he kicked a guy in the head I think I thought he got kicked to know Jeremiah got kicked in the head he had a thing on it a water ball in his head and some guy was gonna kick it off and he like boots him in the head that's right that looked horrific that was the episode before mine so on my episode he kicked a kid in the head like a little payback oh that's sweet yeah it's a whole circus over there it's a lot of fun ain't that a kick in

the head yes so we go back and I go to the open mic at the Dallas improv or Addison improv and that was fun like there's young kids around doing good things this guy Arun he's funny we gave him some guest sets he drove me around all weekend funny guy great guy he's got a great open mic where you give feedback and I was like fucking I'll do it I that's what I said and then you do it and it's pretty helpful I got I got a joke working because of that feedback Mike well that's nice all right Arun then we all had lunch that's what's great about comedy he's like I'm hanging out with these comics who are you know open

mic'ing I'm the headliner but you go out to the diner you just all comics you just cutting cutting wise and shitting on each other and shooting squirting and jizzing mm-hmm so then here's the clinker Chris another clinker Chris Allen couldn't do the Sunday show because I moved around so it was my fault but he left on Sunday so we needed a host they're gonna let the host feature but now we need a host so I was like oh let this guy Arun do it he's running the mic he's been doing guess that's all week and they go oh we're gonna have this girl host and I was like okay well who is she I look over they point to her

that's her she's waiting tables weird I've never seen this in all my comedic days really the waitress is waiting tables and she has to go hang on go on stage for ten minutes tell jokes just wearing the uniform she's got like you know jizz marks on her vest you know like a potato grease and all that and she tells jokes goes back to you had to die a coke right it was insane I gotta say I've seen that a couple times in my day oh wow more often it's a doorman our door woman a doorman but I've seen it happen a couple times where it's like the wait stuff but usually they let them change did she get to change no change

didn't put a jacket on no change oh man I would have asked for a jacket yeah hoping change but it was it was very kooky I came out of the green like what it felt very a nickel and dime here amateur hour yes yes well also I feel for this young lady who's gonna do I mean hopefully she did well but well it sucks if you go up there and eat a bag of cheese and then you gotta walk up and be like can I get you more wings that's true they're like we want a different waitress you blow I mean I can't imagine you can do anything political or anything like that cuz what if you do a bad joke your tip is gonna go down I

never thought about that you're gonna get a 2% tip cuz you did a joke about you know yeah Trump's nipples or whatever right yeah that's a good but her act was pretty neutral okay well it was it's gotta be funny I hope it was funny she was funny I wish I think it was Britney something but it was yeah I damn that's tough I felt for her I was like you're a trooper sister you're you're you're slinging chicken fingers and then you're slinging yucks cuz I remember gigs there's like you know Ray from Ray Ellen no Parker Junior what's Ray's name from from Astoria it works at Caroline's Coots Coots Coots God I fucking spaced on

his name good Ray Goots what used to be the door guy at Caroline's he's a comic and he would do a set occasionally but he would run he would run in the back and take the suit on his t-shirt on real quick and then go back in the so it's almost like Superman right here a suitor man ah fuck I'm gonna kill myself anyways you'd go and change at least you get a fresh shirt but a lot of times this shows like you might remember me from seating you usually it's a guy seating somebody Aaron Haber yes he was a guy at the top and the waitress was so different she's got the the uniform on and and she just puts the tray down to

walk on this day the whole thing's very bad optics well Ali that girl Ali from the comedy store she's a waitress at the store and a comic very funny oh that's Rogan's pal yeah yeah that's a mix something something something Paul yes McDonald's is it oh is it is it a mick or is it a Polish I can be Polish in a big you can't have a Polish mick that's no good but you got the ski so there's a mick ski I think it's a mick and a ski you can have a mick and a ski that's crazy I've told you I Google it maybe did you combine names I'll pull it up or so it up because I don't want to get her name right she's she's a funny

comic she's really funny and a sweet gal Makowski pretty friendly so I feel horrible that I'm gonna kill me if she hears this here it is McOff ski what did I say I think you got it but that's not a mick it's a Mac oh it's a man by the way I still didn't know you could have a Mac and a ski that's like Scottish hey welcome to the new world baby McOff ski yes well that's a that's a good name it sounds like a detective doesn't mean a grizzled old McOff ski get in here you're not supposed to be shooting the guy right he says a blinker you shot another degrade yeah you're fired you

spent 8 million in taxes shooting up that Toys R Us or whatever by the way I don't understand how she she should be doing why she's still seating people at the store well while I'll email her yeah yeah she's killing it out there well she's got the Rogan gigs but you know that could dry up at any moment I guess maybe she just doesn't work at the club and I'm crazy I've seen her go on I mean maybe she doesn't she's not a waitress yeah she's something I've seen her with the headset yeah right yeah I think it's a door guy I don't know those door guy Dave waits a door guy now I mean it's all topsy-turvy over there I don't

know what's going on in that city but you should all move here well there's 8 floors is 19 rooms and there's 48 comics waiting to go on so I think Ari still checks IDs there anyways Ali she's really funny yeah I'm a cop check her out if you don't already you probably do she's got more followers than I have really not really but close it up there Matt can ski all right well Mckopsky's sorry that we horrible radio got my last name and I blew up your spot on the thing all right let me give you my nugget because I've been bombing these stories are horrible oh my god I gotta hang myself with the court here oh yeah

well being a friend my friend Matt Salik you we go I know Salik you yeah we go and take some photos because we got it people keep want to see the hog so we took some pics of the hog he's a professional photography and we got to Lori's side we're doing some snappies and we stopped to go Alice let's take a break we'll have a cup of Joe we sit down we're having coffee on broom street okay and a cab pulls up and out of it walks one Spike Lee whoa new or a new New York zone yes Brooklyn zone so he's walking into this black barbershop and I go that's cool it's like Lee you know it's kind of fun and the cabbie pulls

over old black guy gets out got a limp you know gray beard you know fun diabetes that gray beard looks nice on a black man yeah doesn't it because the dick Gregory you see him he's like oh corn cornwall Wester Frederick Douglass yeah yeah yeah yeah it's it's distinguished distinguished gentlemen yes so he walks into the store and he's he's a little man spike oh yeah little guy stalactite select a little overrated to hell so he walks in with God's fun Spike Lee and the cabbie comes out older black guy a little disheveled looking didn't look great and he goes sir sir he's like walking up to the to the the barbershop so

I suppose we were like oh he probably realized who it was and wants a pic or something guys guy looked a lot of me looked a little scuffy and he goes bang on the glass it's all glass out there he goes sir your card was declined my friend go how fucking great is this we just saw Spike Lee his car got to climb us it's cold oh my god so he goes what he comes out of there he's got the he's got the smock on you know he comes out he's like he looks like a judge he comes out there he's like what the fuck what are you talking about shouldn't be a decline what are you crazy the guys I'm so sorry I'm just saying it was

declined so they slide it was the van cab he slides that door open and I go Spike you need some cash wow he goes I does one of these yeah he's a grumpy guy or he hates honkies I don't know either way he wasn't he wasn't pleased and then he pays the bill and he's signing the thing he's all he's all annoyed at my friend Matt goes how about a photo and he goes and he goes back in great New York moments that's amazing yeah I felt like we beat him we were on top of Spike yeah it's nice to be on top of a spike yeah I guess depending on what you're into yeah yeah that was that was fun I love it that's a that's a classic I love

a good celebrity sighting it's always so exciting but I rarely interact yeah yeah I don't really either but it was such a perfect way I felt like a New Yorker like I was like a construction worker like hey you hey you artist you film maker you need a fucking dollar yeah you can't call them a little bit a cash called them I like it ah cash cab well that's fun you use cash I had a weird moment the other day speaking of cash cab we're bending they're shooting it in the village I saw Ben Bailey comedian big Ben and he was like getting into the production van I was like and I was just walking by I was leaving the cellar I was like hey Ben

and he was just like thank you I was like oh no we know each other right but like he probably gets recognized all day it's a weird feeling to have that thing of like yeah yeah sure and I was like oh no and then I'm the guy that's like no it's Joe and they can see the people being like oh he's trying to because I've been like out with celebrities before where someone's like you remember me I cut your hair once in the 70s yeah well anyways that's a hell of a tale so I've been hogging see you you hog no hog art hog will wild hogs you ever played Robert the Oscars you watch the plane I thought it was going down oh he's

appalling yeah it was rough by the way I know we talked about it off air you haven't seen it yet but Joker that's a hell of a picture dynasty almost saw it Sunday that's a hell of a picture I went and saw it I've seen it twice now I saw it in Seattle and it was like seven armed guards with the machine guns because they're afraid that you know someone's gonna kill wow and that's something yeah it was exciting but hell of a picture then I went and saw Judy the next day with Renee Zellweger and that's a snooze fest oh really but was that like a drama bullshit it's a is it like an art house kind of it's a Judy

Garland who I love I'm a big homosexual man I had appeared in my life I was way I mean I literally had my period I was so into Judy Garland this is a dark dark moment I didn't know about oh I love her you made me love you bang clang clang goes the trolley I love Judy I mean I got a lot of gay things I'm singing in the rain Judy Garland Elton John Brandy Carlisle men that are naked I love a lot of things the song we heard about well you know what it is I'm just I'm at one with my sexuality and I like I like the arts I like a good dance and a painting and a singing and I'm with you on the musicals I just didn't know you were

Judy Garland fanatic I'm not a fanatic well fan is a fanatic I guess so but fanatic sounds so much worse it really does it's weird yeah I'm a fan of that guy I'm a fanatic right sounds to go you're ill fan is just short and fanatic it is but it sounds stalkery I guess for some maybe we should shorten stalker just I'm a star well don't get me started on stalker chanting oh grease all right ZZO she was about 38 in high school in that movie sure was but anyways I the movie the film is it's okay it's whatever but that's neither here nor there I don't think I talked about the sea here now festival did I talk about

that this year I think you did music festival well where was that Jersey sure I talked about the whole thing Reaper Reaper white Reaper no that's a different thing oh white repo isn't that Jersey Shore was that was that was months ago all right I can't remember if I talked about anything in a London you saw a rock show and I went to a rock show in London I don't think I talked about see here now festival say here now well I went there last year I'm gonna go again next year it's a hell of a festival down Asbury Park I'll brush through in case I talked about it already feel like you might have because I could picture the

the Asbury while you were described but I also went last year so maybe last year it's all mixed in matter but if I tell the same story again these people gonna give us a jizz by the way I read the YouTube comments some already hate me oh I gotta stop looking at these comments people are tough pills one guy sent a nice comment about my diet though you're right some guy I said I sent it to you this guy's like you're gonna stop eating waffles I'm concerned about your gut health yeah and he got through to me yeah this one guy I was like oh you're right he's like we love too many men this way start eating healthy and so I'm

changing my diet back again oh wow all kinds of reflux problems if you take a view eat a waffle in front of me I'm taking a photo please I want you to say don't eat a while I was like what am I supposed to do tell you not to eat a waffle I'm like yes that doesn't work yeah yeah I don't want to say stubborn but you you do what you want I'm stubborn but if someone was like put down the fucking waffle your piece of shit oh my dentist is calling me oh you hate to hear that weird yeah what is that I mean what it's well can't be that bad he's probably like hey just checking in well I think I have to have another root canal

next week I went to the dentist last week I gotta have another root canal now it's my fourth root canal what you're a sadist it's horrible I mean I really want to fucking just shoot myself right in the neck you got a lot of range you're addicted to waffles tea and root canals I know it's a whole thing well I think I made an error by not seeing a dentist for 10 years and drinking four coax a day and a bottle of rum a night for 10 years so that'll do it but anyways I went to the music festival I won't get too into it maybe I talked about it already like you give me a gist so I know me I think I talked about it if I've heard it I

can't remember I feel like I'm blowing it here come on you do it great hold on one second I gotta I gotta look at the notes the notes here all right there's Mikofsky again bad looking game I had something who Mikofsky very attractive nice mug how about this I went to meet I meant to meet up with some old friends Micah Sherman you know the sherm past guest Dan Hirshon who produced our video that we made on YouTube go check out our YouTube make sure you subscribe we shot it he edited it yes they edited it yeah edited it edit Ed yeah you're right edit Ed edit it out anyways Dan Hirshon he's he's a gay he's like one of my

oldest friends he's a twos gay and he's a hell of an editor is he married Dan Hirshon are you kidding me no not even close all right married man to me now he's never even spoken to a woman ah he's a gay but um no I think he got close he has a girlfriend all right yeah that's close he feels like he'd be a date a girl for two weeks and pop the question well he's a catch he's got secret pecs yes very funny he's sweet saw strong silent yes silent majority reflux I love re Nixon silent movie so anyways I solid unit going by the way what do you mean my car that's a decent no that's not there's nothing there but I

got a decent piece I got nothing here either but it's no there's no mound well that's an almond joy over there I'm all bunched up by the way these paint look at these pants jeez if I stand up they look pretty good like they look like normal pant they look like a normal pants sure see but if I sit down you get the same thing going on like Huck Finn and Tom Sizemore who's the other one Sawyer Tom Sawyer Diane Sizemore he was a drug addict yes probably still is he might be in recovery but same thing he fucked Liz Hurley which I'm her being kidding wow she's a

she's an underrated skank beautiful lady I mean boy I mean I you're carrying this up I appreciate it I'm dying over here just carrying most of the weight so wait you're at the size more so I don't know where I am anymore oh see here anal now that I told already or I skipped you put a bit you made me all sad about the sea here now what I started something else I was meeting friends yes friends of TV show I'm eating Mike Kaplan Dan Hirsch on Micah Sherman lot of sure sure Cap Hirsch Mike Hirsch Sean and Shane Moss a lot of yeah a lot of shushing so the old Boston crew and we've all gone our separate gaze but we're now we're

meeting up to go to some vegan place which vegan is tough every time I go up to vegan with Kaplan we'll meet up we'll have lunch it costs $48 and I leave starving oh it's a bad combination I gotta talk to some of these vegans I'm trying to eat healthier but I every time I eat vegan food I'm more hungry when I leave what do we talk is it twigs nuts and berries what are we doing I ate a bowl of french fries I'm like I gotta sustain here I had a smoothie and they have this like I had a bowl of broccoli and rice it's like broccoli and rice and then you can get a fake you know chicken McNugget or something that's made out of

shoes or whatever they like to fake meat yeah they need fake meat but I appreciate I wish I was one but I see they're here nor there but anyways I'm walking to meet them I'm a block away this down my Union Square and I'm standing and I'm a cunt of a man everybody's doing something that bothers me I really am a cunt but everyone's doing the thing where you wait to cross the street you're just standing in the road yes eight feet off the sidewalk yes and I'll say so I'll go you know you're in the street wow you say oh I say stuff see something I sure do and so the cars are like coming by and they're and the

people on that side of the corner they're standing into the street too so now the car cars have to go through a little person tunnel everyone's right there's like people stand they leave exactly a month enough width for a car to get through right I'm like you're saving no time at all because as soon as the light changes I'm walking I'm three steps behind you right you're gonna get if we walked 20 miles you'd arrive one minute earlier than I am right but anyway so I hate the people so finally the cars always through light turns red now we start walking and there's a guy Asian gentleman he starts walking and you just

hear this a guy on a bike you just hear this heads up heads up heads up heads up he's got a bell he's ringing it but the bike guy has a red light oh and the guy looks up and come boo the Asian guy nails them whoa just hammers the guy who's on guys on foot okay the guy on a bike the guy in the bike is now running a red light okay got he's coming right through the red light now the people that was standing in the street they've already passed as soon as the light changes they're zipping off sure but this guy he had just stepped out into the street the bike guy and now I'm like right in front of this it happens like a foot in front

of me wow bike guy comes screaming through he's like whoa whoa whoa he's ringing his little dumbbell but he's got a red light hit the brakes douche instead of hitting the brakes he hit the Asian right nails the guy the Blake's and the guy just goes whoa it goes flying into the street like he hit him good wow and the Asian guy gets up and he's like whoa head hurt the bike that's a Seinfeld reference but hey Bing yes the guy in the bike goes oh and I go you just ran a red light I'm standing next to the bike guys right here cuz he stopped when he hit him was he off face to face with the bike guy he's on the bike he's okay so

he wasn't hurt he had a herky jerk but he's right on the bike it's like you know it's like a cat right you're on your feet always landing on the beat that didn't make sense pussy but I'm next to this cat and I go you just ran a red light you hit a guy and the guy goes oh no apology no nothing just speeds off like he's like what the fuck and I go you're the asshole it was fun oh good for you yeah when he biked off and I should have used a little fucking jiu-jitsu on him and kicked his ass but I'm not there yet was he a messenger guy or what do we talk what I just do a regular bike it's his bike he's the bike guy but I think

people on bikes people on bikes are out of control they're disgruntled and well they're also like bandits they're just they weave in and out they go the wrong way up a one-way straight right but it was quite an episode I mean he nailed it and that agent guy just like limped away limped away and he was all sore and everyone just but it's one of those classic New York things where everyone's going like what the fuck and then in the ten seconds everyone's like all right and everyone just kind of zips off and takes off but well man up with those guys those guys are great I got a voicemail for my dentist which is really

off-putting well I tell us about the jiu-jitsu will you well I got that story here all right I got another thing and then all right all right I go to bed I got bed bugs in Hartford that's a whole thing I feel like I'm blowing this bed wait what bed bugs I got bed bugs in Hartford I go to Hartford I go to the hotel I wake up I got a strip of ankle bites ten bites in a row on my ankle just a full line just like bed bugs yeah I had to do the whole thing I got to go down there they got a move rooms I go to third floor to the tenth floor guys like ah we don't got no bed bugs here somebody complained about that before we

looked for it there's no bed bugs oh god I go all right well I got the bite I'm showing them the bite put my leg up on the counter I go can you see I had I didn't have these before I have them now and the guy's like well we'll look but I don't think there's any bed bugs we've searched before yeah I go all right just give me a different room pal just give me my bread yes that was an old gullman joke that no one ever saw I don't know why I'm referencing it anyways go at home I got the I put everything in a bag I had to put the bag in the dryer I got a vacuum out my bag and so far no bugs but you got all this shit you got to deal

with in comedy and this is a bed bugs yeah that's brutal this ancillary BS goddamn nightmare but all is good now then this is the last thing I got and then I'll I'll pass it off well we're suck my own the anal I'm on the airplane the other day I don't know where I'm going Seattle yes big play sitting there seven hour flight I go to use the restroom a guy the guy next to me he comes out so whenever the guy next to you goes you always just go cuz you're like well I'm up anyways right so I got he goes he comes out of the bathroom I go in the bathroom there's a turd sticking to the you know the whole yes

how the bed it does a thing that covers the hole a little metal yeah like a lap yeah exactly a flap yeah like a cat food tin right and it opens up but his shit wasn't strong enough to open it all the way so his turd sticks to the flap oh wow so I go in there and there's just turds stuck to the flap like the flap is leaning down a little bit there's no density to his turd right weak turd he must be a vegan and so I'm like I'm gonna piss it through I'm gonna get a little piss I'll piss on the turd help it out piss on this fucking turd yeah that's more dogs so I'm pissing all over the turd I can't get it down so now I

start to worry cuz I'm like I'm gonna walk out the next person's gonna think that's my turn yeah yeah and now I don't know what is it about being the guy that turd it I had it I get it I had a similar thing with a friend of mine yacking and I had to clean up his yak cuz I he didn't and that goes a guy after me you don't want to be the yak guy you don't mean the turd guy no no so now I'm going there and then I'm like should I touch it should I push it down but maybe I put a layer of gloves on there and stick it in TP glove I didn't do the TP glove I ended up being like fuck it so I hit flush it does a flood it does the

but nothing happens why do a second flush it's still on I mean this shit was sticky and now you're the guy flushing eight times I know so now it looks like I'm coming out and sure enough I come out beautiful woman I swear to God big tall lady with breast and a vagina and she's going in there and I'm like do I say it's not my turn what do I do here right so I just go as a thing and she's like what and I'm like that fuck I go back and then I sit down and I'm now the whole time just think I'm like it's not my turn it's this guy's turn and she walks by and she's sitting diagonally behind me and she's walking out the

thing like a runway she's like all tall or whatever it comes right down the thing and I'm like I'm the turd guy now I got my hood up over my eye like she's gonna see me and for the rest of my life all I'm thinking about is this lady thinks I'm the third guy the turd burglar I've never shit on a plane before and if I did shit on a plane it would go right through the fucking spinach smoothies and I meditate yeah you got a serious asshole power this is the thing what I keep having reflux and it's all about the digestive tract and your mother's ass I'm taking I don't know how it's I'm still dealing with reflux

because I take a shit longer than my leg right every shit I take is sticking out of the bowl and bright green but I can't I don't know it says why is this bottle here I mean I take amazing shit daily you could take a dick it sounds like with that gate power you got I'd love to take a dick sure all right witness the email mess yes sending photos I feel like I stunk it up in this episode but it's great to see I love you I miss myself hate myself miss you too all right do you have anything else you want to add we don't know where to be all right well shit what does that say the 57 a little 57 special let me see

here anything else happen talk about as an Oklahoma City did Chesney Michigan that was fun cancer benefit we sold out three shows but I think there's nothing to do in that town I want to thank Trent for putting the whole thing on try to this restaurant is so nice these these small towns you start to get it like the house I stayed in it I stayed in that Airbnb or that bed and breakfast I stayed in years ago where they I couldn't find the Wi-Fi and I did tiptoe around at night I don't know if you remember that I remember I think so but yeah it's just beautiful Airbnb and you come down and it's free breakfast and that some lady

has cooked cinnamon buns eggs you know toast oatmeal is there the whole thing yogurt whatever you want and then you come down she's like you need anything you're like no you're just sitting in the kitchen eating it's a beautiful thing you get the small town a B&B done nice is amazing oh it's it's homey it's warm it's welcoming there's a cling-cling on the on the door is fun well here's the thing I you get this is what's nice you got the the shitty place with bad breakfast yes but it's the yin and the yang yeah yeah Andrew Yang that's a good hit by the bike you got the shitty breakfast with no breakfast you got a

motel what is this but then on the other side it's two sides of the same coin thank you so you yeah you're gonna have some rough ones but it's it makes the good one so much better because you're like oh I'm getting rewarded for that shit I went through last week and this is how crazy small towns are and this might be some white priv as well I think there's a lot of white privilege in our lives so I show up and I'm late the flight's delayed whatever we finally get there this traffic I get to the bed and breakfast and I just go in a side door it's not even the front door and then I walk in I got a bag over my shoulder it's

dark out it's cold I got a hoodie up I've she just ruined a toilet and I get in and the lady goes how you doing like she was sitting in a chair and I'm behind her and it's dark and I'm and I walk in and you just hear the door closed she goes how you doing I'm like I could have killed you you just sitting there with your back to me but you trust me but I mean I may have I was a giant Nigerian man it'd be a different story I love the trust I love the niceness it feels like in smaller groups everyone's nice yes yes that when you go to like a small time I felt anyway in Wales everyone's like come on in you have the

right to roam what's right is yours right but you get exactly you get a bit we got too many we got not I want to see too many people because then I sound like a fucking whatever we got a lot of people here so it's tough because the big groups you got like New York City it's not as friendly of course it's a small town that Asian guy got hit on Main Street in Chesapeake Michigan that would have been a headline it'd be in the newspaper yeah and the guy would have the guy wouldn't happen he would have been stopping at the red light that's a good point less of a hurry less whatever so yeah just great time they go to the restaurant the

restaurants attached to the venue and they whatever you want and the guy gave me t-shirts of the place and he's like hey he emailed me like come back any time you made my family so happy like it's the sweetness that we've lost love a sweetness yeah everyone be sweet go out and do something sweet be sweet be kind stop commenting horrible things you chuches oh yeah some way last thing I'll say I put up this video it's doing really well it's got a couple hundred thousand views on Instagram there and then some lady some girl writes not funny at all I got no respect for these people these negative comment right I just hate it

he doesn't even follow me you don't know me just watch some I've talked about this many times what happened to watching something like that I don't like that exactly why are you writing it's my account right email a friend yes copy and paste it and send it to someone go doesn't this suck right like I'm like ah Junie wasn't great I'm not emailing the director and being like your movie sucks good boy it didn't even suck by the way it was fine it was just kind of boring that's the code that's what Yelp is we've trained people you go on Yelp you go on Amazon one star fuck this pillow it sucked you're like what are you doing

I'm gonna tell this person they suck so I wrote back and I don't I'm not proud of this I wrote back you look fat and then she wrote back I am fat that doesn't make it okay that you posted a humorless video and so I just wrote back you're a mean person and she's like well you can't take criticism without going to insults now this is where I take issue now why is yours is a criticism right mine's an insult yes maybe I'm at mine's a critique and yours is an insult but good for the goose I hate these people we've talked about this before don't hide the fact that you're an asshole right just go well I'm criticized you're not a

critic you didn't go well this joke could use more of this I don't like his delivery right you're saying not funny at all that's not a criticism that's an insult and you're shitty your instinct is to respond to a stranger trying to entertain I'm gonna write something mean to that person yes now when I write back your fat now I'm the asshole commenting you're rude you shouldn't do this and I'm like well you're your instinct is to be mean I'm responding to you I want you to feel what I'm feeling yes and we kind of worked it out on the car I've since deleted the comment cuz I don't want it to be a whole thing but I wrote I wrote

back what you should she's the cause you don't think it's mean to body shame and I was like no I think it is mean to body shame I don't think people should do it but I'm responding to your meanness you start being mean so I want you to feel what it's like you should stop being to me and people and then I wrote and you should also eat some healthier foods which was fun good for you and then she wrote something something fair enough and I go well I feel like we've grown together and she's like we have you're a nice person you're a positive person see that's what it kind of these people just want a connection that's what it really

comes down to I suppose so I regret doing it cuz it's the problem is everyone's like well let's see how you like it but that's sometimes your instinct is to be like how does this feel yeah of course and by the way me being funny is subjective it's got 15,000 likes on TV that is a scale right there but I'm not for fat shaming I feel bad I struggle with food myself I'm lucky to have a high metabolism so I get it I eat nothing but shit I'm gonna die young my teeth are rotting out can I can I comment on the fact that we have a few things in our society it's like cultural and I know I'll wrap it up sure but we've

all had the thing in the in the comedy club where the lady goes you suck and you go well you're ugly and everybody goes dang and you're like wait no me calling her ugly is just as mean as her saying I this is my whole life this is my livelihood this is my only talent and you're saying I'm bad at it right you can put on makeup you can lose weight you can hit the gym you can get tipped implants or whatever you want you suck too at looking good how about that yep but maybe fat's better cuz you can lose weight I guess if you're ugly you're ugly well the point is the crowd will turn I had a girl once we banged years

ago is what Tinder just came out and she was like your photo you look like a serial killer and I was like oh shit like bothered me okay cuz I don't look like serial killer no she's like what would you think of mine I said I thought you looked easy and she got pissed right but isn't that weird because you're saying I'm a murderer right I'm saying you look like a slut but we have the things in our society same with calling a woman fat where it's like that's just it's like the n-word it's just you can't it's forbidden right I don't get those because not funny is meaner than fat a because she came out of nowhere

with it right she didn't have to say it you just responded to her to me what she does is way meaner but people go hey don't call a woman fat like no no no which one is it are we are we are we even here sexually men and women or we do have differences I don't know the whole things confusing it's very confusing but I I do feel bad but I just like she's like well you don't think that's mean I'm like oh no I do think it's me yes I just want you to say what you did is mean right I'm being mean right but you're acting like you're criticized which that's what I'm saying is like just say I'm being asshole yeah I like being

asshole fuck you I'm a troll whatever but just don't well I'm just crit I'm criticizing taking don't don't put it out you can't take criticism like I can take it you don't think I'm fine I don't care what you think right I mean I do care what you think obviously but I'll I'll be fine without you with you thinking I'm not funny if you just don't take we talked about this when the Netflix thing came up people tweet at you at Joe this sucks you're not funny just write that I don't even care if you tweet it just don't put it at me so I read it yeah tell everyone but they want to hurt you which entails their real

meanness right they want I don't know if entails the right word but they want to show like this guy sucks and I want you to hear it because I'm I want you to feel bad that's why it's like well why do you want me to hurt it's okay if I suck yes why do you want me to be feeling bad but I think it actually worked out because I think she did feel like maybe I'm being me because I think with the internet people feel removed from the thing they right this sucks this isn't funny but you're like well I'm really why are you reaching out to me to say that and I think me being like I was hurtful I was being mean in

response to your being mean you should be nicer yes he was like that shit maybe you're right so maybe they don't realize that people think you're not reading it they think it's just like I think a lot of people think someone's running the account yeah maybe so I'm a I'm a sensitive guy I'm an emotional sensitive person and I'm wounded from childhood I'm working on myself most comic stories do you have is it a joke about women was that in there at all no okay sometimes that's a factor whether you know my girlfriend's dumb and they go women go this isn't funny that's mean to women or whatever and you're like oh you

just don't like is it a woman joke it can still be funny right I sometimes like responding to these trolls it's like why I've talked my therapist about this I'm like why am I letting these people just take shot if you're like I just ignore it just block them it's I'm like why don't I want to go at it with them yeah you you're fucking you're nothing you're useless yeah where's your skill stick I'm trying I'm trying at least but I'm a sensitive cunt yeah me too I'm trying I just want you to like us that's all I just want to be loved we're talking about my friend and I were talking about we gotta stop sorry I was hanging out with my

nephew my niece and nephew and I love them they're fun they're the best and I was like I it puts you in the moment and you feel loved and my friend was like yeah his son he was like he just wants to be fed and sleep and be loved and I was like me too and it was like a fun moment it's like it's not that's not just children we all want to be that's a good point we want food we want to sleep we want some shelter we want some love yeah and so these people that are writing I should probably have a more Buddhist approach and be like well they're dealing with the thing and they don't they're not getting one of those

things and right right so that lashing out I shouldn't lash back out but I'm sensitive the difference is you can get your own food and you can get your own shelter you can pay the rent you can buy Chipotle but the love you kind of got to earn it I know that's all we're trying to do is earn the love yeah and then I everything becomes like oh that joke wasn't good everyone's gonna hate me you're getting your own head and this is the problem with social media I'm reading comments and I'm all yeah they're well hard not to roll it's tough out there it's hard on a player something players don't hate the game or

it's hard out here being a pimp what is it I can't remember it's hard living as easy if life is hard there you go my dick's hard hey this weekend come see me Springfield Missouri oh did that one yet I'm waiting on you I'm in December Sam did it he loved it I think blue room best weekend ever one show Friday two show Saturday three total love it Springfield Missouri I don't know what it's even I'm flying to Kansas City and renting a car so if you're in Oklahoma or Kansas or Missouri or wherever the fuck yeah come on out blue room this weekend I should get my book I got a ton of dates coming out it Sam do it then cuz he can't drive

or operate a motor vehicle well you can't fly to Springfield but it was like $9,000 and 12 hours but anyways so I'm there in the next weekend Burlington Vermont come on out to that Carl I'll see up there I hope if that's a guy if he doesn't come to show in Vermont it's time to quit comedy oh yeah hopefully I'll see you pal baseball so Burlington Vermont that weekend and then November I got DC draft house one of my favorite clubs in the world please come out to that one Laugh Boston November 29th and 30th hilarities in Cleveland December 5th through the 8th Houston December 21st secret group Lafayette December 20th

this is all off the top of my head here nice got a bunch more Des Moines funny bone Albany funny bone I'm gonna put them up tonight on a comedian Joe list dot com here here what do you got you got so many well first I want to say I'm making shirts my own shirts no more merch pump I'm gonna bring shirts out to the people it's just gonna say comedy with an exclamation point really nice and easy so look out for a shirt get a shirt cuz they're gonna go quick I hope this weekend I am in Austin one of the best club best cities great time please come out let's sell out a couple shows at least it's a big room I know it Austin

Gaze tell the Gaze and we're in Tacoma Spokane couple nights for Halloween then I'm doing the DC improv on November 6th whoa just a one-nighter see how that goes and then I don't want to take you're but Portland I'm also at the blue room Portland helium Tampa's coming up Atlanta's coming up hot land yeah and I know I just forgot something big but yeah those November 11th oh get that out there village underground here in New York City Greenwich Village always a hot show and they sell that show out so get tickets early November 11th rooster tea feathers and Sunnyvale and Acme in Minneapolis love those and then I think

we're gonna be doing a live paw oh Santa Anna in December and that's gonna be big we're calling it I'm calling it I don't know if it's catching on but the Tuesday's festival yes and speaking of festivals I believe we're gonna be doing two Texas festivals skank fest and moon and moon tower is that confirmed I say I'm in that's next year Austin in April whatever moon tower will both be at moon maybe that's not announced yet maybe we should know there well whatever we'll maybe we'll be at moon tower in April and then Skankfest March 27th of the 29th are we doing a pod at that one you got that right I can't remember

yes but no Skankfest are we doing it too oh I think we are but that's Houston I think we are Houston yes Houston Austin live pods and maybe we'll try to get up to LA early next year oh yeah because people are hankering so yeah and go subscribe to the YouTube thanks again for fucking this is the longest episode ever we just set a record we did that we did the 10th hour I think we're past 11 even so thank you and tell a friend go to birch pump the shirts are selling like hot jizz and also I'm in st. Louis I forgot to say and La Jolla and by outside of San Diego all right we gotta go by the way the dentist that changed

my appointment I'm getting to push the root canal back they're canceling all right well you should charge them great news yeah I wish all right well thanks folks sorry this is a toppy terry roller that was a crazy episode I kind of had a breakdown at the end I'm sorry I'm struggling great great life good to see you bye