Tuesdays with Stories! - #320 Well Done Kirk

Episode Date: October 22, 2019

It's a saga filled Tuesdays as Joe gets denied flights and eggs while Mark fly's in prop planes before fighting to get his bike back. Check it out! Sponsored by: Raycon (raycon.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey we're live everybody how we doing you good over there all good one note but I'm here all right are we in shot

because it feels like we're far away I can't tell shot this little fluffy huh yeah yeah we're in the shot we got a dead elk here and we're no fur we still like it do you like a shag rug I like to lay on it and jizz in it but I don't want to own one you know right we just rent one well if you go to a hotel or something I'll play and all that but I don't want to I don't want to have one in my home shag is rare at a hotel that's like a that's an LA hotel yes like the ace or the whatever the anal jack jack I don't know ace in the oh is that one ace of spades is it jack jack queen king yeah okay yeah yeah all right you ever have little things that you've

known for years that one day it just hits you and you're like am I saying this wrong oh because every once in a while say something and I'm like is this the wrong thing yes yes or I'm like she was touching her balloon head not like what not exactly right right yeah my dad does that with my own name he's like yeah well that's sometimes you get mad at the person for not you're like balloon head you know balloon head the term for fucking the asshole and they're like what that's true well I just realized you brought up spade ace king queen jack what the hell is a jack like you got king and queen what is a jack maybe a jack of all trades

it's the same thing but what's jack I don't know I'm sure someone's gonna tweet us a long thing here if he's of all trades though he should be every suit no no I'm saying it's the same I still don't know what jack means but I think that's the same reference like a jack of all trades is the same as the jack of diamonds one's the jack of diamonds one's the jack of all trades I still don't know what jack means but I'm saying it's in both things I think I don't know either I'm just throwing out I'm jacking off well I'm not saying agree I'm not saying this is a fact I'm just saying the thing yeah I'm not saying you're

saying it's a fact I'm just saying I don't believe that's true well I think I've been taking issue with the agree agree makes it sound like I'm saying hey this is what's up like one time I think we talked about this where one time I was dating this girl I wasn't dating her I was seeing her and I mean fucking I guess we were fucking and I didn't I didn't really care for a personality but I was telling her how creed in the office is from the grassroots I was like he's in the band in my midnight confessions when I'm blowing my dad on a Tuesday so I was telling her and she's like what no no that's crazy you're crazy you're fucking

with me not crazy she said I was fucking with her this is pre-google I guess it was pre-google well I wasn't pre-google but it was pre-smartphone maybe and she was just like you're fucking with me and I was like why what are you talking about like why would that's an insane fuck with yeah creed was in the grassroots but it's so specific that it's pretty good it would be good but it wouldn't be enough right to do if I said he's in new kids on the block or he was Jordan night's dad you'd be like what but like grassroots creed I'm like I'm not making it up I'm telling you that's what's up sure and then she called me back like two days

later was like hey you were right and I was like well I wasn't right right I was telling you a thing which I guess is actually the reverse of what I'm saying now that I think about it you jizzing on though I feel you here it's like we were having a debate I was telling you a fact and you were so that's actually doesn't coalesce with what I'm saying here yes but I get it I get I get the connection own right the connection but I'm not the jack of all trades I'm speaking out of my jackhole here what do you call it throwing it against the wall now the jack is different than the jester jester joker the joker but he never made it

into the actual card game feel bad for the joke yeah he was the three threw him out even right yeah you whipped people would mad whipped them yes joker get out of it that's how we're treated yes not like slaves like jokers yeah number one movie in America other slaves we know I get now we get paid yeah we get paid early on I guess that's true yeah yeah I had a cotton bit have you seen the joker yet I haven't it's been a whole week supposed to go with Matt Salacuse my friend and he bailed and now the lady wants to see it so I gotta wait for her to get out of the wheelchair it's a whole thing what's jack shit what is that

about that's nothing that's worse than nothing but I mean is that a reference to the same jack it's is it his shit yeah or you don't know jack right yes we don't know jack we're trying to figure it out I know I know jack palance was in Curly's gold Jack Clark there's a baseball clubman oh he was very good who is that jack clubman he's one of the odd couple that's right and 12 angry men okay great name club Jack Nicholson such a famous jack that he's did jack yeah he's more famous than the cards jack wow that must be nice you talk by the way by the way what's an ace oh ace is perfection I get that's tennis but I

don't know about the ace yeah there's a king and queen of the only two that makes sense well I think the ace of spades is like the number one spade right sounds bad certainly does who's that Jay-Z yeah I got Obama maybe yeah I guess it's yeah what is it a I think ace means numero uno you're the king of the castle the top of the heap well I know what it means but I think it's not a guy I guess the king Korean the only guy well Jack is a guy too right because the ace is not a person standing there you know with a mustache sure hmm oh let me throw this out you there fat man stick it right up my ass and see if I come alright twirl on

this one balloon head 52 cards in a deck certainly 52 weeks in a year I wonder if there's a connection there that sounds like something because it's not a lot of 52s right although I think it's a 52 man roster in the NFL that's something that might have to be googled I guess 60 I guess it might be 53 it's something like that something weird like that 52 or 53 all right so four suits right yeah 13 each that means four months maybe four seasons I like that quarterly quarterly yes it's like the quarters of the you know football game year year yes so we have two weeks in a year four seasons I wonder if there's

any other connections yeah hmm huh huh call in all right well that was fun yeah I think we're breaking the whole thing down yeah I think we had some fun yeah well I got I got some things I'd like to talk about I don't know where to start though I just got back yesterday can I say this I think Kansas City Airport might be the worst airport oh why do you say that set up and design all right went there yesterday now I had the thing where I flew to Springfield Missouri now to get to Springfield you're doing it in a few weeks there yeah a lot of gays coming out a lot of gays all right gays a lot of you know Mark's coming in

December like I know about mark I know his schedule so they're all excited for you they're all pumped and I didn't don't forget to come see Mark and the whole thing it's a good room good town it feels like the old West out there it's weird they got the saloon and the whorehouse a lot of saloons and like I walked to the end of town I was like let me go for a walk and a guy stopped me like that's it Buster turn around like oh shit it's like Truman shows does that wall up completely well there's a there was a pets and pumpkins festival going on pets and pump pets as well as pumpkins and I'm walking and the guy goes

you got a ticket I go a ticket I'm just trying to get a coffee right there and he's like you need a ticket Jesus and I go I don't want I don't give a fuck about pets or pumpkins yeah I like smashing pumpkins and shooting pets maybe the movie pets pet cemetery I didn't care for the either one of those films yeah actually the movie stunk well Louis had he was in that first pets secret life of pets yes yeah he made quite a few bucks on that one Hannibal as well and I think they owe him quite a few bucks for that second one that they fired but that's neither here nor there but anyway so I was like well can I walk around he's like

yeah you can walk around so I had to walk around the pets and pumpkins you know what's great about you can I just say please tell me I hate myself you you always say can I get a cup of coffee you never drink coffee but you say it to keep it simple well you got to keep it simple because tea sounds gay English people like oh if you say I'm getting a tea people go oh they do a thing with the pinky and they call you a fag it's a whole situation right English breakfast over here yeah and people just they don't respect tea here they love tea in the UK I might move there you gay I might I might go over there and but a coffee to

say a coffee and it looks people everything think you're drinking a coffee and they go oh coffee this late I'm like it's tea and they're like what so I just say coffee that's a good point that's real American dog shit because tea is the most popular drink in the world yes and it's it's healthier and it's it takes the time and it's meditative and all that bullshit anti oxy oxy cotton certainly yeah but I like this and it just feels better because coffee people think of I gotta get a coffee to get coffee right that was that Paul Reiser bit what's that that was one of his special he's like we're good he's like I like that

because you know what you get we know what we'll be doing we know what we're getting we know what we're ordering we'll meet up for coffee what would you like coffee I can order for him we're here for a whole old Jewy Reiser thing right but it was great he's cute but anyways so I flew to Kansas it's one of these places that you go all right I'm gonna fly to Springfield you punch in LaGuardia to Springfield talk about connections and it comes up 11 hours 800 bucks yeah leave at 8 a.m. get home at 9 p.m. stop off in Dallas visit your mother in Kansas and then rent a car with right

bin Laden so I ended up I ended up flying to Kansas City renting a car now the issue with that is first I get there and I wait in line at Alamo I go I got a rental car hit me with it I got a reservation the guy goes no you ain't no you don't or whatever here we go and I go oh yeah it's a Joe list I reserved it on Monday no big whoop and he goes remember you don't have a reservation damn and I go no no and I start looking through my phone and he's like listen man like I'm telling like you don't have a reservation so there's that moment we're like let me pull up the screenshot because this guy but I

realize I've been on that side of things not necessarily working but you're like he looked at my name he's like it's not here this is what I do for a living I'm telling you you don't have a reservation so it's one of those ones I just didn't hit the final button oh miss the final button so he was right he was right so I said fuck I don't know how I did this and now I'm that guy where he's like I got nothing else to do for you I'm like is there any more cars he's like we're completely sold out he's like Enterprise and Alamo is sold out so now I'm getting that panic because this is not a huge place here

Kansas City which is a big city but not a huge city they got eight cars and a buggy exactly and there were buggies I drove by some Amish I think those are Jax the Amish Jax but so I go is anyone have cars and he's like you can try the other places so I go to Avis they're sold out and she goes maybe pay less which I thought was a shoe store or sure so I go over to the shoe store and it's like one old lady and that's the thing we're like they don't have a sign it's like a poster yeah like a flat like a boy scouts carry at the parade right like a tarp a tarp yes exactly retarpened so I go over to the pay less tarp and I go please tell

me of a car she's like we have one SUV it's 398 bucks for two-day rental the reservation I thought I made was like a buck 10 so it's 200 bucks more now I drive an SUV but I also to be grateful because it's three hours away so it would have been a six-hour round trip to send the owner to come get me well I would have been fucked like there's no other way to get to the gig good point so I get the SUV I'm off and running but now the problem was renting a car three hours away you have to return the car by the time you got it so I rented it at 10 30 a.m. so I gotta return it on Sunday 10 30 a.m. but I have like a 2 p.m.

flight because I was thinking I don't want to get up at 6 a.m. to return the car to drive to get to the airport but I forgot about the car thing because I'll charge you for a full day of course and now they're charging me premium prices because I bought last minute how they rape you right up the balloon head right in the balloon had my balloon popped so I gotta go leave the hotel at 8 a.m. get to the airport at 11 a.m. and my flight to 225 so I go let me get in there see if I can hop on the 11 40 a.m. flight I like the way you're fatty so listen to this every once in a while it doesn't work out every once in a while it does

work out that's true you gotta be gratitude so listen to this so I get in the airport now this is where I start the airport is dog shit Kansas City Airport great city chiefs my homes the whole thing whatever I get there you get through the security and there's nothing on this side of it there's a Starbucks on that side of the security you can see it there's a Starbucks right there but you have to leave get a Starbucks and drink it outside and inside there's one place called the Royal Cafe or something like that it's just a bar and grill one bar and grill for all the thing there's nothing else this is a major city so

everyone else is everyone's at the bar and grill and there's no other spot interesting and it's all packed because it's just gates like imagine picture LaGuardia all right they just build walls around the gate there's no place to roam you can't walk around so I'm having a talking to you know a certain social pariah on the phone I got a whisperer I'm like it bullshit I can't say what I want to say Cosby the whole thing similar not similar oh boy both legends yeah sweaters anyways just similar than that well there's a lot of similar yes funny tell comics bigger than you might expect right they like

probably likes Jell-O I can see a wolf and down a real fun pack sure really telling you about the Jell-O the whole thing breaking down the Jell-O oh yeah any jizz so it doesn't matter none of that matters I get to the debt but the airport sucks and a few other people posted like it's my home airport it blows you right so I appreciate that I was always afraid someone's gonna be like hey fuck your mother Boston snake I gotta I gotta get through this so I go to the gate and it's all pat I'm getting there the flight leaves at 1140 I'm at the gate like 1120 they just started boarding I go up to the lady and I go hey I'm a

platinum son of a bitch here anyway I can sneak onto this flight and she goes let me I think so she gives me the finger and the I think so yeah so she starts typing she pulls up a seat request with my name on it so she puts that aside and she's like it's gonna be a minute she's like it might be main terminal because I got Delta comfort on the way home she was about to go main terminal I don't care I just want to get home four hours earlier love main term so I stand there at the desk the whole time they board I watch him board every single person and I'm pretty confident because normally they just say no fuck

off right right so I'm pretty confident I watch everybody board and all I have is my backpack two-day trip I just brought a backpack then I go all right am I and she goes down couldn't do it oh couldn't do it the whole time stand there for 20 minutes why do you have to ask they just tell me you can't stand there confident she goes nah everyone showed up it's sold out oh I want to and I tried to be nice cuz I'm like ah fucking I was like any chance one of them leaves right now and she's laughing you know it's like a joke yeah you get desperate you know you start doing weird yeah maybe someone will get the shits or

get kicked out one of those you know the guy that throw up yeah they drag off an Asian I'll pop in yes Asian pop so I go all right fuck and I go well whatever what can you do I gotta accept this is all suffering comes from non-acceptance so I go all right let me leave I'll go with the Kansas City Grill I'll suck my own dick I'll make a phone call they might have tea about an hour and a half passes I look over at the same gate I'm waiting for the 240 I see LaGuardia 135 now I never knew about this flight I never heard about the 135 flight right now there's too many people in line they all look to show this like nine people in

line so I go fuck it I'll call the platinum line oh we got our own lines over here so I get right on they go thank you valued platinum customers they suck my dick a little bit for fun yes then she goes what can I do for you and I said I'm trying to get there's a 135 flight to LaGuardia I'm on the 240 can I hop on this 135 and she goes there's no 135 flight oh that flight's been booked up for 30 years well I go I'm looking at a 135 and she goes I don't see anything here and now she's the she's the Alamo guy there's no flight I can't I don't tell you but I got some some stink in my ass because I'm going looking I'm looking at

it yes and I go it's flight 3489 and she goes oh 3489 that's the 1130 flight delay 1130 they got on the plane sat on the tarmac for an hour they kicked everybody off it's a melee that's why there's so many people in line it's a bruise they're all going what the fuck it looked like the women's March over there they're all screaming and throwing shoes and the whole thing it's not rockets 911 it's not would have been me yes and I would have lost my fucking seat my my super seat whatever it's called Delta comfort seat DC so it all worked out yeah so then my flight is right on time the plane pulls up the whole thing

the lady on the phone she's like oh no stay on your flight that flight she goes it's now delayed to 205 so getting the inside in wow they haven't even announced it it still says 135 she's like it's 205 now she's like you better get off that flight so I go thank God so now I'm so great I was so bummed I didn't get on now I'm so grateful then I get on the tarmac the plane the 240 we're leaving before them I kept checking over there they were all fucking pissed off and going crazy we got out first I love it which feels a little unfair it almost feels like all them should just be able to get on the earlier flight but it's

there mate it was a maintenance issue so we got off I ended up getting home before I would have gotten home and I kept my Delta comfort seat wow well said fat man yeah that went on way longer than I anticipated I apologize but you go to show you good at my dad at one time I shit myself when I was 48 or something on my dad was like you shit yourself but you missed the party but you never know I'm like what do you mean you never know he's like hey the party could have been horrible you could have shit yourself at the party and then he told me the story about a guy who fell off a horse in like the 30s the old

Buddhist you've heard this of course we talked about the horse he was like I broke my leg I'm such a homo and then the war breaks out he couldn't go to war because he had a broken leg everybody died he lived right Philip Seymour Hoppin tells this tale in Charlie Wilson's war a fine picture by the way no one talks about it yeah I really like that film it's got a little bit of cheese on there I think it's an Aaron sorkin maybe there's a couple of Mike Nichols I think directed it oh he's good very good you know he went bald at 11 what yeah he's got some rare disease so he's that's a piece no kidding Google it wow yes peace

of mind he was in the grass roots wow Nichols bald at 11 something like maybe 10 but some bizarro young age yikes he's like a lollipop guild oops come again it was a real flat tire all right you better go because I don't want to ruffle the feathers here because that went on for 90 minutes I got a couple of little things but riveting though the happy ending I mean I loved it it was quite an ending and I mean it's I still lost a day I got home at 7 30 p.m. yeah that sucks it sucks to lose your Sunday yeah but I'm so proud of the accept I mean the $300 SUV would have chapped my scrotum then the flight is way behind and

the airport so I mean yeah that would have killed me it was a lot of frustration but and I always feel I feel back some texting Sarum like all this and like I've been on the other end like she's just at home like sleeping up and playing guitar and watching a movie and you get these texts being like mother fucker yeah and they're just like all right what are you gonna do I don't care you can text me I'm allowing that I appreciate it I mean maybe I will maybe reach out to you enjoyable because it's like a football game I'm like well they're up now they're down now they're up yeah yes yes I think sometimes there's

certain people don't they don't appreciate a travel I mean if I'm in a movie or something it's one thing but if I'm if I'm flossing my asshole I'll take it I'll take a tail I'll get like a 90 minutes later response like SUX that's it that's the whole text I'm like cheese that's a bad airport that's a lot of you do all the vowels have an S something X saw SOX red socks Dix course sex then this sucks Rex sex shirt for saxophone I could be New Orleans I'm saying S and X oh I think we did them all oh six six 69 there you go yeah Kansas City no one's above a six all right well listen a lot of a lot of vowels there not a lot of hot

wow that's a good name for hot chicks vowels I don't know that's what I thought I thought you were saying oh vowels Jones all right here let me just throw this at you please this is I got a saga this could be a half hour here okay buckle up gaze well first but how is the blue room blue room is good blue room is hot they were fun it was good it's like the late show Saturday was a little chirpy and routing it's the kind of place where you can't go too hard on a heckler cuz they might fucking bottle you oh really like you're in the middle of nowhere that's that's country down there is that cowboy boots and stuff oh and there's like big

guys be like have a beer and I was like well I don't drink I'm an alcoholic he's like what get a beer like he was like what are you talking about you right I already said the F word once but it was that kind of thing we have to be like you kind of you gotta go with the heckles all right this guy's great you guys are crazy I like it here boy you know how you do that wild here you can't be like shut up your fucking little dick piece of shit I'll fuck your wife because he'll get up and shoot you I mean this is like this is gun and cowboy suits cuz Sam Maril was just there and he's the biggest Jew on the planet he

was like I loved it yeah I mean it's good we had two at first of all it's one show Friday two shows Saturday so it's easy breezy okay I can't wait but it was good it's a nice little town and yeah you'll pack it out it's fun it's why that's so maybe so grateful because you got to get that SUV for 300 right it's it's doesn't it feels like a place I don't want to like it feels like what I'm like yeah we don't belong here oh well I feel like we should be hitting the bigger markets but the people come out okay so you come out I'll go gay yeah soon so hit me with a saga I love a saga this is it I'm gonna go out of order

in Tarantino this bitch cuz this is a long one I want to try to keep it tight okay I think maybe we should tell him who brought the show to us yeah cuz we got we got we got some great sponsors here and we'd really appreciate it if you support the sponsors because it really helps us out and it helps you out because these are these are first-class products here here and I think you guys already know about Raycon I mean this place these guys are killer they sent us some I use them you use them it's a wireless world and everyone needs a great pair of wireless earbuds you got to have them but before you go drop in

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do I got a gig at Austin Tejas sure one of the great cities great one of the great cities in America cap city a great club I mean this club's got history it's like Bill Hicks and Sam Kenneson all went through there the laugh stop yes it used to be now it's called cap city and just love going Austin it's one of those jewels on the calendar we go boy Denver Minneapolis Austin Seattle Madison Madison San Francisco Philly you name it but Austin is in there so I go and it's a Wednesday arrival which I hate I hate a Wednesday arrival unless it's Austin aha I don't mind a Wednesday in Austin cuz I go right to Magnolia and stick

some of that shit up my ass that's a good point so yeah I go it's Wednesday show get back Sunday otherwise I would hate it but it's Austin we'll have fun I got Sean Murph dog opening he's a fun hang he's a good comic so I know it'll be a good weekend we're selling a couple tickets I go outside to catch my flight at Newark all right and like 10 a.m. okay got my bag in hand I got a hair brushed through my hair I'm all ready to go sure I get to the sidewalk I look up moped's gone what gone what go this is a fear of mine I know what did you have it belted to something two locks on it I had one lock around every wheel I had a

lock around the telephone pole what do you call it so I had three locks on it and a cover oh there here's the thing they're so tempting I see about I'm not a thief but I see a bike or a thing I'm immediately thinking how I could get it really just the problem-solving in me like I feel like I could take that because the car is all big and souped up you're smashed a wind but I'm any kind of bicycle moped I'm thinking well if I lifted that maybe you could get that gone oh my god this is painful it's painful because you're like your whole world shatters you're like wait well you don't see it coming then you're like I got

this flight so I can't deal with it so not only your hands are tied god we've been robbed a lot on this show oh geez I know so much robbery it's sort of my these memes they make out of my tweets oh they take the tweet me yes these meme cunts I hate them they're memies yes meme streets Kevin Mimi so I go ah and you're like what do I do you just want to get on your knees ago because you got to get on the flight like otherwise I could go to the police station I go to the impound I could figure it out that happens so often when you have to deal with something but you gotta leave so you can't deal with the thing exactly and

people I'm in Austin people I tell people I go what are you kidding what you do I'm like I came here well I can't miss my flight right so fuck so I'm like god damn so you're just driving a new recommend an uber just going what do I do do I call it do I did so I call the cops while I'm at the airport and they go well you got a 50-50 here buddy and I go what does that mean and they go 50% chance it's stolen 50% chance it's impounded okay and I'll take impounded but he goes where are you because every day you leave it there right yes yes yes brutal yeah they fucking nail you and they make you well you don't have this problem but

they make you pay for all the tickets you had before they impounded that so you might be getting three grand one time I called Colin Quinn to borrow money I was so young I barely knew the guy but I was like I know someone with money and luckily he never got back to me yeah but it's like it gives me a douche chills thinking right you know I was like 23 I called him up and my mother's like what we'll come up with the money what are you doing he's on TV you fucking idiot yeah yeah anyways so glad he never you should bring that up somebody to have a good chuckle over that yeah I think you're right all right so I go fuck so now I'm

just in in an airplane just going like what do I do what do I do and you just start picturing like some fucking cum guzzler on in the Bronx like high tail you know wheel it up down the street yeah well as you know that's the worst part of getting robbed you picture your possessions and someone else it's so intrusive violating it feels violating yeah and then so then I'm like picturing also in the impound just like oh it's so scared it's like all the big motorcycles you know having a tear and a shiver yeah oh god brutal so now I just go I pull a list I go hey except except it's gone you had some good times with

it you just took a photo shoot with it you hugged it you blew it you fucked it in the ass it's gone it's over and I'm dealt with a lot of stealing in my life maybe that's why I steal learn behavior yeah maybe it's like the kid who gets raped or molested now becomes a pedophile right maybe I got a little that me well at least you're stealing from corporations only corporations mostly airports but trust me I went on a bender at Newark yeah man I was like what's that guy's name but with the who's a guy who steals James no I was thinking of the guy in the with the old days with the Tommy gun who would go to the banks Bonnie that

worked but I had no horror with oh what's the guy they've done them Jeff done them no dillinger dillinger I was a D yes the Hudson news you know just dealing Clark bars and cliffs who we dillinger yeah so I'm just like God so I get to Austin I put it out of mind I put it out of my ass and I just do the shows and the shows are great and the Tuesdays came out we got some gifts I don't know if you can see that on the lens hey guys this one I mean I want to spend some time to talk about this game look at that Dave and destiny I mean this is touching touching a Walter I don't even heard of a Walter I love a Walt I love Walter

McCarty hey Whitman that's where I'm from so just great time and I put out of my head I've been Austin we're having a great time I got Murph dog we're having fun we're go we had three barbecue restaurants went to the Salt Lake we went to stickies we went all over the place we tried to go to the football game but started six shows at seven Magnolia no Magnolia no he wasn't into it no some people don't like Magnolia yeah yeah yeah but we did the we did the Kirby diner we did it all we hit the Velveeta room for an open mic I mean we did the whole kitten caboodle so now I don't want to sound like I'm a

country bragging here but we did the open mic I bombed then this kid hits me up on Instagram and goes hey I'm a fan my name is Tyler I love your comedy I drive airplanes for a living like the mini one what do you call this single engine Cessna uh-huh so I go oh cool and he goes that you want to take a ride and I go hell yeah now I tell Murph dog he's a squarely nut and he's like well we we could die and I'm like yeah he flies him every day is it a single prop plane it's a 1964 single

uh see anything single I get a little nervous because that prop dies well you die with it Jeff Dunham prop comic so I go sure so he goes all right we'll meet me at the airstrip or whatever you're like holy hell airstrip we're getting in there yeah so we show up to the executive Austin airport which is basically where they fly you know the the big name rich people out of we probably flew there I think we might have so I go I show up he's this tall handsome 20 year old guy doesn't drink doesn't do drugs loves

comedy 20 oh this is a falling so all the numbers aren't adding up so I'm stuffing my pockets because there's a big snack area I'm going cookies and muffins and uh Clark bars again and uh so and there's a coffee machine like a gourmet coffee machine so like ah let me get a cup of coffee it's like all right all right the planes are waiting it's like all right I get this nice big hot cup of coffee it's one of those like oh I love those yeah yeah I get the steam poof cough we go out there he's walking us to the plane

it's like I got some photos of me just as tall gorgeous Hemsworth guy why a pilot do you have to be every pilot's hot I mean the exact joke except goose Anthony Edwards is not exactly uh he had something he had something yeah but I need a sully I'd blow oh yeah sully's hot as fuck he's got the stash the dilf he's got a hero stash yeah I mean silver fox ice man wolf man viper yes I mean I only know pilots from the top gun but whatever oh here here I'm with you there fatty queer queer even flight Denzel's hot oh yeah

and a drunk his partner wasn't that hot but I think they de-heated him they gave him a little crusty stash right right oh what about airplane even though the lead is pretty good looking oh yeah yeah all right so we're walking out to the plane and it's this old vintagey plane what Tom Hardy in the fucking whatever the British what is it revenant no 1949 what's that called revolutionary what was that movie called I enjoyed it I liked it too Christopher Nolan made it story yeah what the fuck was that Dunkirk Dunkirk

well Dunkirk Dunkirk all right so we walked on the plane this is an old shimmy shammy of a lemon I don't like I mean I'm happy you're here I know the ending essentially but it can be nervous I had a green shot I go years as it goes 1964 I'm like 64 I had a 1971 Cutlass in high school and that thing barely ran yeah the Beatles came to America in 64 and half of them are dead good point I think more than half I think just half McCartney oh you're right McCartney's hanging in yeah yeah I guess fucking a one leg chick will keep me living he did that

that's true yeah you got a long life point Linda splinter so uh old legless what would we call a peg we call Peggy I like Peggy I really I was quite taken by Peggy she was uh yeah I mean aside from the missing thigh she had a hot body it's weird to have a one-legged woman be the one that got away oh she hopped right out of my life you think she'd never get away yeah she hobbled so uh we get all we get in the plane and this thing is rickety it's old it's gay this thing this thing looks like like it's got aids

sure so uh I remember the guys like all right you Sean Murphy six three we put him in the back he's the he's the opener and I get in the front seat and this is like all these gauges are eight million years old he's tight oh they tap everything why are they tapping that makes me nervous should they just work a tap yeah I don't like the tap what is it your knee on a check up folks hey ho yeah just just a lot of that what are you Gregory Hines he's tap dancing all day long and I'm like all right I hate the tap but uh

whatever all the gauges go like this whoo it's like Michael J Fox in there and uh finally I was like all right here we go and Murphy's old nervous he's a he's a he's a nervous Nelly if you die maybe they'll play taps there we go if you're in the military yes yes and obviously I had to make the joke if you die it'll be Mark Norman and uh squirrely weirdo right whatever so finally you know we got the headsets in you hear like the lady on the other side going like there's a couple of birds nests and the bees bonnet uh on 48 you're like oh shit this is so cool

and then I'm like all right you ready viral pilots handsome and he's like shut up shut up I can't hear the weather I'm like all right sorry so we go we start check check check it along we get down on the runway she's like you're clear for anal sex and he's like all right blow me and we just roll we go up there was so cool we're up in the sky and I'm like how far he's like we're a thousand feet right now an hour two thousand feet all the gauges are jizzing and uh we get up there oh my god he shows I mean the lake travis beautiful we go to uh this one area it's like the Malibu of Austin

okay maybe no existence the tennis player lived there and he's I was like who lives here rich bill is like oh yeah that famous tennis player and he said the name and I couldn't think of it I can't think of it now but is he American I think he is hmm Andy Roddick no no you've mentioned him uh you're a fan oh boy he said it and I was like oh it must not be American Joe maybe not maybe not handsome tennis maybe younger Federer Nadal maybe Federer Murray Jokovic Zavara wait what's Murray's first name Andy Andy Murray I think it was Andy Murray okay maybe it's Andy Murray that sounds right they all live in the hot areas

water to Texas Cali yes and it's just a stream this river goes through it very windy and you can see all the boats and the jet skis and all the piers and it's like all these hot people we're right above them it was so cool now what's your anxiety level once you're up there you're up there as you get ready to take off are you is there party that's like this is a little fucking crazy I don't have that in me I I don't know what it is I'm scared of uh of Jeff not liking me that that cripples me right but this I'm like if we die we die whatever right see I had that on a jet but one of those single pro those things these things go down that's from uh what Groden midnight run midnight right these things go down yeah and they do go

down but he I was like any scares he's like once I had a scare and I had to land in a field in the middle of nowhere and I was like oh shit all right that's not bad that's not bad so I feel like that's the worst case scenario we have a rough landing but either way we're just wiggling and wagging he lets me drive whoa it was so cool and the whole thing is you know you steer with your pedals what I didn't know so I'm going and he's like I'm like a retard you know he's like he's he's doing it oh I see oh that's fun I got a little captain sat on he put a wing on me and kissed my forehead that's great and uh you know we're doing a little that he's like all right watch this whoa he's a he's a young whipper snapper he's having fun up there yeah so I don't know what it

was but we we were about 20 minutes in and I just got like a queasy I guess all the you know and I'm talking I was green like I start sweating and I got the the salivation cooking oh god and he's like so how about that uh patrice special huh whatever happened to the hell I love Anthony jesuit and I'm like yeah yeah and I just can't get it together I'm like fighting it like hey get get it together man I'm pushing puke down and I go I gotta I'm not gonna lie to you man I'm not doing so good oh no and I'm not a wuss I'm not scared I'm not a hoe bag or whatever I just I just got queasy I couldn't my stomach was up in my asshole I couldn't get it right and he was like I got a puke bag in the back and I'm like all right yeah you know you know when rogan I did rogan I

wrote everything down on the puke but I'm trying to like stay with it but I can't and this poor guy's like he's asking me how to do he's like I'm thinking about doing comedy or I've been doing some sets can I send you a set I'm like yes I'm sweating bullets I'm I can't even my face is yellow I'm I'm all over the road here and he goes no what do you want to do you want to do a loopy loop you want to go down by the water you want to go dirt back dirt back we're like half an hour in so now it's a half an hour back right right and I'm looking at shot like how you doing he's like I'm having a great time I'm like back seat back seats cushy back seats good he's got his legs up he's eating a cookie I'm like I'm miserable and I had a jacket on because it was like 60 degrees I'm soaked

this is all my pants are soaked I can feel the water going down with the back of my neck my back lower waist area I'm like god damn all your pants yes I'm getting a multiple pants you might not be so hot extra gloves Harry so I just uh I had to pull it together and I did everything I had to not to puke but I was sitting like this at one point you know for someone I curl up I feel less vomiting of course yeah I've done that I've done that where I almost shit my pants in a cab recently and you're in all kinds of positions you're just trying shit yes like maybe put my legs over my heads and my dick in my own ass or if I you know spit exactly exactly so then we finally get back and we got the landing he landed that thing smooth as a baby's clit and I got out of that thing I was

just like sit down I couldn't even see straight for like two hours oh okay you're just gonna get grounded yeah like hold on to that ground for a minute yeah then we left there and Sean's like that was awesome I'm starving so then we had to go eat we had torches tacos which is like their hot chain and great but I'm I forced them down because I was so queasy and then I felt better and then we did the show shows were great now here's the clinker Friday early late killer Saturday early Saturday late the last show of the weekend we had a great weekend everything clicked guy in the front row into the show nice guy cool guy beard hat I looked down he's got the astros game on his iPhone oh jeez I mean I'm in the middle of a real momentum cook yeah and comedy baseball you can

tune in tune out yes if you want but comedy I need every word every syllable it's precise great point so now I've got a little you in my head because I know you if you just go out guys talk about them I'll just keep doing my set if he doesn't like it that's on him okay but I it's eating away at the insecurity the ego like hey man I'm pouring my heart out your front row I can see you right I'm not an idiot it's I've said it before you're a member of an odd you're part of a crowd but I am talking to you yes you're a human I'm a human you're a human part of the group yes essentially I'm talking to you and you're watching a fucking game completely and then you just start I'm doing my act but I have all these things of like you would never do this at a Broadway show you would

never do this here you would never do this there this isn't a baseball game you're at a baseball game you could watch you could watch my special on your phone and go oh yeah right that I get but this is the other the opposite and he would just kind of every now that oh yeah yeah and it was so obvious and I just said calling him out will do nothing do no good because you know the rest of the line can't see it's like 400 people behind him who don't know what he's doing yeah he's not distracting the crowd but I couldn't help it I get it I just go dude what are you doing I have feelings oh my god he was like and he's like all right all right you know I'm getting some laughs off it but it was still like heartbreaking and then he's like all right all right two minutes later

you know he's on to the table now like I can still see you come guzzler well also it's a three and a half hour game the show your set is what an hour 50 minutes I mean like just go watch during the opener so whatever and the other row at the bar yeah and then come in catch you you missed the two innings I know I know but apparently was down on the wire and they won by a one point at the end I don't know but either way boy that's a stinkeroo that was a hell of a game was it yeah well he shouldn't have planned he should have planned a different we got seven shows pick go to one of those right yeah and they wanted two years ago for god's sake all right and I get it it's a big deal and it's your team and they're beating New York and all that shit but god damn

front row man front row yeah that sucks and it just shows the the lack of no one cares about company you know it's I will have a chuckle and we'll get out of there now it's just go to a different show that's what I don't get because I understand the thing of like sports are happening right now I gotta see this yes but you made a commitment so just don't come to the show yeah yeah buy buy an album or watch it on YouTube or whatever the fuck this guy wants all but then you did that's another thing I started thinking my head like oh we're so obsessed with entertainment we can't have one second we can't be entertained if I'm in the middle of a setup he's checking the stats all right so whatever yeah what can you do what can you do I'm a cunt I'm complaining

about every little dick and Harry but here's the clinic now we're getting back in the saga now clink the saga up okay now this saga I'm gonna leave you open-ended oh so I feel bad because you're you're playing story had a nice little bow on it sure but this ain't no bow well maybe it's a tease because eventually it's gonna seal up seal that was my kiss from a rose on her yeah he had a fucked up skin I never cared for the oh well I want to get more specific scar scars the line case yes the color was normal yeah yeah well he's banging Heidi Klume so yeah I never know all I know about Heidi Klume is that she fucks seal I wouldn't be able to pick her out of a lineup what I never got into Klume I don't know what she's doing oh you would love Klume

I'll check out Klume check out Klume legion of Klume uh wait is there a legion of Klume legion of doom oh they were a big uh foot wrestling then the legion of boom is like the seahawks defense right it's a temple of doom yeah I gotta take a boom boom but either way so get a room get back to get back to New York land the flight land the plane to the sunday do some shows hang out with Chris Allen fat black thanks for coming out and I go well Monday I'm getting up with a crack of sex and I'm going right to that impound because I still don't know what happened it's been a long weekend wait can I go back to Chris Allen he did a set at the fat black that's kind of funny oh yeah I didn't get that should be his home club he's a fat black yeah they should add bully I mean he could own the

place fat black bully so uh I'm just kidding he's very thin by the way he's very fit now he looks good quit everything I wouldn't go fit but he's good you should quit everything thanks but um he looks real good he's pretty fit no black is slipping all right fat black all right so get back jack back to jack go down I get up early with the lady she gets up for you know she's a farmer or whatever they do in the morning she's got a nine to five so I get up with her and I go straight to that DMV and you know you go in there and you're just like preparing okay this is gonna I'm gonna get yelled at some old New York lady is gonna be mean it's not gonna be easy there's always gonna be an extra 88 steps it's not like here's my credit card there's the bike

see you later right also it could not be there that's in the air certainly so I show up there's big lock on the gate it's 24 hours big lock so I go all right so now I try to go under this arm thing I got the arm and some lady yells at me and she's like what are you doing that's not the entrance I'm like well the entrance is locked she's like all right fine go under the arm like all right I've already been yelled at you go in there's a line you wait and it's all just government municipal like stains on the wall brick you know the bulletproof glass it's already a bummer the whole thing's a bummer it's not good smugness is not a good quality not a good quality it's in a warehouse there's police cameras everywhere so the lady goes all right what what kind of car

was it and I got some motorcycles she goes okay let me see the title I got the titles in the bike she goes all right so she gives me like a slip I go they they put you in another a pen I'm gonna I'm gonna do the whole thing here they put you in a pen then you get out once there's like enough people like four people then they pick you up in a cop car and they drive you around the warehouse until you find your car and then you go that's mine and then you get your shit out of the car because they have your registration right so you get your shit out of your car and then you get back in the cop car and they drive you back to the office part now that's the kind of cop I'd like to be oh kind of cuz there's never a shooting there's never a situation I like that I if I apply to be

a cop I'd be like can I be the drive around the pound yeah the pound round I feel like I'd like to be that guy I like that hashtag pound so here's the funny thing though it's a mean a bunch of like blue collar guys because these guys like they they they go to work all day like electricians they're working on a plumbing thing their car got towed while they were plumbing sure so I'm the only loser dweeb in there you know so one guy big white guy with a hard hat on and like one of those like neon shirts because you know they like don't want to get hit by a lightning or whatever so he's like he's like what the fuck I parked that shit for two minutes I come outside it's fucking gone he's like all right sir they must get that all day long brutal I mean he's like

I'm trying to get fucking worked out so I can pay my taxes you know he's that guy and I like yeah yeah he's just slip blow me whatever and he is furious and we get in the cop car and he's still going so I'm in a cop car with this guy I'm in the front seat we got a cop driving he's in the back going and another thing oh I'm born and raised in Brooklyn I'll kick all your asses and he goes that's my car right there and they rode on it because they ride like you know picked up all right right yeah the chalk yeah yeah he's like and you're right on the fucking dinkies he slams the door I was like damn this guy's pissed so I looked to the driver because it's just me and him at this point and I go he must get yelled at all day long he goes huh and I go oh I must just suck working

there because you get yelled at a lot I'm trying to be a human being right right and he goes uh ain't nobody fucking yelled at me oh jeez got it all right I'm just trying to pick up my dumb gay scooter I know and you're on it you gotta go on a limb because of the other guy the hard hat guy here's you saying that yeah good boy what are you talking about me you fucking son of a bitch I know I'm in the middle of these fucking macho queeps oh god so all those areas like you go to like MassPath oh like you know all those like weird Queens Brooklyn yeah yeah you're like I don't belong here this is like that real New York it's not like I moved here from St. Louis to be an actor I'm an artist those like up from here and I fixed pipes I'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah these are the

real these are dudes it's kind of it's fucking bizarre I don't like it it's bizarre but I'm like I get I get it these are like hard-working guys they work with their hands they got hairy uh forearms and neck tattoos and they're missing a tooth like that's that's that's guys yeah no I guy I meet a few of them in certain circles yeah and you're like Jesus Christ oh yeah oh yeah they're all in a union and they got a they're an apprentice guild or some shit I don't even know what the union is it's all local and in a number I don't know it there's no there's no far away and a short number there's no fuck I'm visiting number eight right it's all local 1148 you're right right I have no idea what it means very serious very formal it's all scary it's all shit we don't want to do I want to be a

i'm at cap city ironically we're in a union are we we're union guys what do you mean we're individuals the screen actors I assume you're in the union you should be we're in the lollipop guild as you mentioned I just outed you but oh yeah yeah you got to pay those dues down I do I do I never do but either way so I get my shit it's just a big wad of papers and they're all wet the the bike is all wet so they found the bike oh yeah the bike's in there oh I found the bike when you said open ended I thought it was gonna be no bike the one we got the bike in there the bike's there the bike it's just a row of sad bikes and some have cobwebs on them some garbage on them well this is a load off my back I mean this is like I'm gonna put another load on in a minute

please and I I'll try to zip it up here sure so I grab all the shit out of it you know there's a turd in there and an old skull and whatnot so I grabbed the paperwork out and I feel good now I'm like all right I'm going back to this lady I'm getting my fucking bike baby yeah I'm happy you found it thank you thank you um I got the Vin number I had to call Chuck Chuck he's the guy I bought it from we stayed cool Chuck the Vin Chuck the Vin Vin Diesel Chuck so I go back to the window and I go here you go you fat horde eat eat it and we bitch and she's like this is a registration and I'm like yeah and she's like this isn't your name I never registered oh geez I never registered I was like I'll just drive it around like an asshole for six years until I get

hit by a bus so uh I was like oh I bought it off a Craigslist you know it's gotta be a Craigslist clause or something she's like no no you gotta go register I can't just give you this bike you just gotta you just hand me papers I'm like I paid two grand for this bitch and she's like fuck you and I'm like fuck you take it up the tailpipe oh boy I'm up you on her side she's completely right she's completely right so she's like here's what you gotta do go to the DMV it's four avenues over in three blocks down go get registered come back I'll give you your bike and I go here we go so I walk my fat ass over to the DMV pull a ticket I'm I'm C 847 they're on 808 or some shit so I'm like here we go local A for it yeah exactly so I'm sitting there hour and a half uh is this today

today oh my god so it's been a whole thing so uh I finally get my thing up and I you know I'm trying to quell my cuntiness because you know you've been sitting there gotta quell the cunt I mean I've been left the house at the it wasn't even sun out and now I've missed lunch so that is not lunch not lunch so I get up to the fat lady it's some Hispanic skank and she's like hey let me see everything I go I just want to register the bike thank you she goes how fast does it go I go I don't know 40 50 she goes I gotta know the speed and I go I think it goes about 40 she's like well is it 40 or is it not 40 because that generated changes things and I go it's 30 we'll go with 30 she goes I need the exact number sir and I go let me google it she goes well while you're googling I'm gonna

take someone else I go no it'll take two seconds let me google oh my god so I pull my phone out she goes eight forty nine oh my god you gotta be kidding me you big fat coos Jesus yeah well according to the state of New York you are the ass man that's what I'm picturing picture that lady I just want my plates so no it's scary because if you're gonna lie do you go high or low I think you go low because if it goes too fast that might be a problem it doesn't go fast enough you can't be in traffic or whatever oh yeah that's what I would be worried about I think low is good the higher the more dangerous the more rules the more regulations okay that's what I was thinking all right so I would be worried though that it's like you gotta be able to do 40 on a fifth avenue if there's a fire or

whatever it's something right right well here's the clinker now some old geezer comes up he's got a cane and diabetes and she's talking to him and I'm doing the thing like ma'am I got the I'm behind him and she's like alright get out of here like she's getting mad at me now when I'm like I've been here an hour and a half two hours like let me just let's just knock this out I can also gotta go back to the impound so she's like get out of here so finally the old man gets done he dies and then she gets up and goes to lunch oh the lunch she's good she's good she's played this uh little tango before so then I get back in line and I got it now I got a bone to pick and it's some lesbian lady with a you know a slick back haircut and a flannel shirt chain wallet and a dildo in her ass and I go hey

I waited in line for two hours I asked the lady for one thing I didn't have the google ready she kicked me to the back of the line she goes all right all right she put you in the system you're gonna be called quickly so I go all right fine so I wait I wait about 20 minutes finally a guy calls me and I go sir he goes yeah yeah yeah it's like a young black kid he doesn't care none of them care because they do this all day all day I'm nobody I'm no special you want to be like hey I've been on Fallon right yeah blow me so I give him all the goods and he goes how fast is it go I go 30 okay and uh he goes how many cc's 49 while I was in line I got all the information right now I got this whole thing memorized I know this bike better than I ever did and uh he goes all right all right

and he he goes to the back opens a drawer pulls a license plate out and I go oh wow I see it ting it's like the light hits and I go oh my god he's talking with the guy you know they're talking because it's all a bunch of people back there and he's like oh you catch that game I'll tell you what he's like oh yeah clunk stamp yeah yeah and I'm like it's happening things are processing oh my god you got a clunk and a stamp I got a stamp and a clunk clugman so I go all right he goes what's your insurance uh oh and I go I don't have insurance he goes oh can't have a bike without insurance and I'm like ah what are you talking about and we've been riffing a little bit so we had a rapport I was like you need a tip jar all right he's like oh we can't do that all Venmo he's like oh you crazy

you crazy and I was like ah I don't have insurance so he goes well you gotta have insurance he goes tell you what I'll give you a front of a line pass oh call your insurance agency I don't have an insurance I never even heard of that yeah and he's like call your agency I was like all right I'll call Hilary Robbie you know I call like an AGI yeah and uh and he's like call him and then just give him the pass you'll get right back to me and I go uh okay and I look at my phone it's like 208 oh my god off you got that right I came 10 minutes ago too yeah so I go oh yeah but I've been through so much and he just kind of was so nonchalant I was like oh yeah okay uh and I just left and came here jumped in the shower you came over we fucked now we're doing a pod now does the front

of the line work anytime well get out of jail thing that's a good question I have it on a piece of paper right over there well hopefully you can go back tomorrow that's the plan but I gotta make up an insurance company well here's the clinker I texted Chuck Moped Chuck the moped oh the moped yes Chuck keep forgetting Chuck and he goes what you don't need insurance yeah why would you need insurance and I go what do you mean he said I need insurance he goes I'm here with my mechanic he lives in New York and I just googled it you don't need insurance I was like ah so I had it but the guy I had this the plate the plate was right there fatty maybe he was just being friendly like he's like you gotta get insurance like people say about health insurance so like what are you

crazy you gotta get in health insurance they don't mean you gotta get health insurance I don't know what to say maybe maybe but I feel like he would have been like oh I can give it to you but uh right insurance buddy yeah good point so now you've got me twisted here a little bit there sloppy jalopy but either way I'm going back tomorrow it's in the impound it's safe that the whole thing so is a rig a my role but it's my fault too for not no I should have just registered it immediately I should have parked it legally I should have fucked my dad I should have gone to college so how do you park it can you bring it in here at the end of the day or something now I try to bring the hallway the super yelled at me and I gotta just park it on the street like a

like a normal citizen and then move it for the cleaning so I think I try to avoid that I think you can put it between cars I can't I can't but here's my thing can I put the cover on it because the it's a cool looking bike and I feel like it's it's light and easy to steal you just throw that thing in the back of a pickup so that's what I mean yeah that's why I'm nervous I just put it on the street the other time I had it on the sidewalk locked up to a chain and to a post and the whole thing well I hate to say it but you might have to get yourself a parking spot I think you're right I think there was a expense especially in Manhattan those are like 300 bucks a month for a low end that's low end for that skinny little dick I think because I looked up in a story there's one that's

like 300 a month you might be like a privately owned one on like a craigslist Chuck might have a fucking guy Chuck guy but I don't know I would look into it but I bet it's gonna be about 500 a month for that but in the winter that's not bad doesn't get snowed on it stays warmish true you got a point there but it feels like the best part of the bike is you can just slip it right in somewhere exactly like a dick in a cunt but you do have to worry about getting robbed yeah I guess someone throws it on a truck they can just cut whatever the thing is I think I don't know yeah well they get in the truck and they deal with it later you get a buzz saw but a buzz kill yes a parking spot that's fucking hefty money maybe someone listen if you have a guy

a Manhattan thing we got a lot of listeners if you have a weird alleyway in your apartment you're not using in Queens I'll put it in there I don't give a shit plus that's a good way to make money for these people like that's a great like I always thought that I'm like if I had a driveway I would love to rent it out that's a nice income oh yeah you get four hundo and you can get low you can go hey just give me 250 friend price you still it's all profit yeah yes it's in the black I don't know yeah jack black ah he's a good black yeah he's good I mean a good jack is what I meant to say yeah he's a good white all right well I hogged everything there that was my saga right on the good saga I got a couple let me just give you one thing oh please we're going a little long

two weeks in a row I took uh took the reins there and just all over the I got quite a bit but we'll I'll just do one quick one okay so I had a crazy day last Wednesday it's raining and therapy the whole thing whatever I go to this place zuckers bagels I guess I say bagel weird bagel what do you say bagel bagel yeah you see everyone keeps making fun of me for years I don't know how I'm supposed to say the word bay bagel there you go like seagull bagel oh I'm saying bagel it's bagel yes there you go is that right and you say gull gull yeah yeah you're all jizzy what do you say glade bagel bagel all right that wasn't bad okay all right well whatever it is I ordered a circular bread item yes a Jew bread I go to zuckers zuckers fishing bagels by the way airplane zucker oh I love those

guys yeah so I go over there and I've been there before I walk in it's 3 45 p.m I say hey let me get out I'm starving and I got to get to this other event I'll talk about another next week this is in mass this is Manhattan right by Allen's office up away side got it so I go hey let me get a I don't say let me get because I hate people at order let me get yes I may have a a whole wheat bagel and two scrambled eggs and a slice of cheese and the guy stares at me and he goes what did you say it's an Allen nervous I'm like he's kind of a big guy and I go and then I thought well I say bagel weird I go a whole wheat bagel two eggs cheese oh and he goes can you do me something can you be a favor oh I'm nervous and I go sure and he goes look up there

there's a little fine print can you read it out loud to me oh and so now I'm starting to be a little in rage so I look at the menu and I go yeah I don't know I don't see he goes you don't see the little writing right there at the top could you read it huh and it says no eggs after three so I go oh no eggs after three like that and now I think I'm pretty proud of myself so then I gave him a good solid if you're watching on YouTube a good stare a good three Mississippi's those stairs do more than words I gave him a more than words stare and I wanted to fucking grab him by the back of his head and smash his head through the fucking display case yes I mean I wanted to I just come from therapy you know you know all

kinds of things are happening yeah just this guy says can you do me can you read that and so I gave him a nice three Mississippi's stare we're staring at each other and I didn't blink I felt strong because there's a you know counter in between us and then I said you couldn't just say that you wanted me to read it out loud you had to make me read it out loud and now the tune changes and tables of turns because I think he sized me up as a little nebish zucker shopping nerd got it the guy who eats chip bagels yeah so I gave him a nice stare and I said you had it and he goes well well that's that's he turned into a different guy oh anyway well it's so uh he touched his chest anyway well that's so you know it's not us it's the owner it's the owner and I don't

want you to think it's us and then I gave him a bookended stare wow I gave him another three seconds stare and then I went have a nice day and I took off I laughed without because I'm not giving them any money ever again no and I wanted to give him a review because sometimes you're like oh people that leave negative reviews they're fucking crazy they're all you gotta take that with a grain of salt but I'm like it might just be regular people that are like hey can I get an egg sandwich and they go why don't you read the fucking side like uh I fucking hated him and then so then I'm I'm I'm married to the idea I mean I'm fucking enraged but I'm married to this bed you get you get food in your mind you go I'm getting this sure sure so I walked seven blocks up in the rain

and I'm I'm kind of just walking until I find a bagel it's the upper west side somewhere that's gonna be a bagel there's a lot of what's gonna happen you know what's up there so I get the next place and I walk in and I go hey can I get a whole wheat bagel with two eggs and cheese and she goes oh I'm sorry we don't have eggs this late in the day can I is there something else no how hard is that how hard is that and I get it I get your policy you turn the fryer later up or the grill whatever the fuck you make eggs with sure and I go you know what I'll just have it with butter I appreciate you thank you so then that's that so then this is the last thing I'll button it up here I sit in the window I'm watching the rain and I'm going over the guy and the therapy and

all the business just sitting there and I finished my bagel and now I get up to leave it's pouring rain now there's like a little stage area like a there's a step down I didn't know about and there's yellow tape but I wasn't paying attention because I'm tired I'm cranky I didn't know there was a step so you know when you you walk you think you're on flat and then your foot just goes down a step yes I did that I go whoa and my knee buckles and as my knee buckles the umbrella flies open and I dropped the bagel and the crumbs come out so I had a crummy out of the right hand an umbrella just goes and flies open and my knee buckled there's a family they start laughing it was the spazziest thing I'm like Kramer I was like whoops and then my umbrella is flying the water

goes spraying this is doing bagel shit everywhere yeah that guy I was that guy and then I couldn't close it and they're all just like the kids are giggling and worse than the kid giggle is the dad starting to be like can I help like oh the concern he like wanted to help me which you heard even more I was like oh god it was such a spazzy I wanted to just shoot myself it's funny because that's the guy the original bagel guy thought you were right yeah crumb guy I'm a little bit of both guys but I wanted to write a review and I was telling Todd Barry about it he's like you gotta write a review and then uh so he looked up the reviews of the place and there was a bunch there was a couple one stars one of them said anticlimactic which we we laugh for about 10 minutes about and we're like

you gotta do that a bit someone's like this zuckerbergs was uh anticlimactic but anyways that was that guy we'll uh we'll we'll tea I got some more uh stuff to the boy you're making tea is it out I'm trying but uh all right we're gonna do some dates yeah yeah another long episode what do you got cook this comes out tomorrow yes this weekend I'm at Vermont comedy club Burlington nice room come on down a ton of dates let me find some of these dates Des Moines uh fuck me hold on Des Moines funny bone Des Moines funny bone good funny bone yeah haven't been there in a while uh DC draft house November 22nd and 23rd that's a big one it's the anniversary of Kennedy getting shot November 29th and 30th Laugh Boston please come to that if I

don't sell there I'm gonna literally take my own life uh December 5th through the 7th Cleveland Hilarity is one of my favorite clubs the best food in the business December 13th and 14th Santa Anna wins blowing hot from the north New Mexico will be in Santa but what is it Albuquerque or the other one Santa Anna I know but people said you got to say this Albuquerque Albuquerque yes we'll call it Albuquerque and then December 20th Lafayette nah I thought you did that already no that's December that's Christmas time that'll be fun and then uh secret group Houston December 21st and then uh Albany funny bone also these dates are all up on uh comedian Joe list dot com and for the love of Pete fucking go sign up for the patreon yes all kinds of bonus and video

and all kinds of shit if you're not on the youtube you're missing these three minute stairs over here from uh Chachi oh yeah subscribe to the youtube please yes so I'm at I'm at Acme tomorrow they got me on a Wednesday arrival but again Minneapolis love that town oh yeah big fan of the men Tacoma and Spokane I I bit the bullet and I bought shirts nice and I got them shipped right to Spokane because that's the ultimate merch oh yeah so come on Spokane come ready come hungry for some uh some clothing because you're about to get some comedy shirts Roar Springfield Massachusetts Sunnyvale that's that's Sunnyvale California I mean San Jose the whole tech group come on out to Rooster Tees haven't been there in a while uh then I got some fun weird gigs coming up

I'm uh doing the uh November 6th I'm at the DC improv one night only and then uh November 19th I'm at Cave Comedy in Philly which is like a temple gig uh not not the Jews the university oh oh temple university yeah yeah some kid hit me I'm doing these randoms now fuck it I love randoms we make a door deal I'll come to your shitty town temple that's Cosby's school that's right we'll all stay awake now I'm at the blue room oh wait he went to UMass did you go to temple he went to UMass also oh oh maybe do one of those both of those things sometimes people go to two colleges isn't that crazy yeah all the presidents are like he went to Yale and Harvard I'm like what I went to three but only because I failed out of two yeah that's different yeah blue room uh

it's Portland Helium Santa Ana we talked about November 11th we're at the fact uh the oh yes sell that fucking thing out Village of the Ground November 11th and we got uh Skankfest we're doing in March at Houston Houston right right that'll be fun side splitters in January uh going to Orleans La Jolla comedy store in La Jolla and then Philly Helium St. Louis Helium uh it's all on the website Atlanta Laughing Skull and uh that'll do it folks for for a while so yeah come on out get the Patreon get the YouTube and thank you to Dave and Destiny I mean this is such a thoughtful gift it's insane it's an autograph Rich Gedmond card with a poo emoji from the cat chat episode 284 and a cheesecake from Walter and this forest gump thing my favorite

film of all time from somebody I don't know who this is from I can't remember but Danielle gave me some Uber uh we love to see you all the gays I got some weed I got some drugs gifts so God bless you thanks for the Chipotle Austin you guys were the shit lunch cleave anal semen tell your dad I love them oh that's yeah man fuck me