Tuesdays with Stories! - #321 Awful Waffle

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

It's a great Tuesdays as Joe watches some bad hockey before a doctor harasses his messed up throat while Mark does a dramatic charity show and tries to get his missing moped back. Check it out! Sponsored by: Feals CBD(feals.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hey we're here we're awake and we're gay and we're bacon yeah shaking bacon I helped remember that no that was a big ass shaking bake and the girl goes and I

helped no I never saw that maybe it was a southern regional thing maybe I don't women never helped anything in my area I yeah we got hit busy get damn you beat sorry are you on camera I never know I can't tell I got I got it from arm to arm really so you're actually got me look I don't believe it for a second look at that it's all arms unless you move arm and arm wait oh my leg was blocking oh there's more than arm oh yeah wow this is a real wide ass forearm five arm you like a big ass some people like big asses I'll tell you what I like I like a big ass to small hip weight small waist big hip ratio hmm you know I want I want

to who ha like an hourglass yes did you ever hear I remember one time this is one of those things that just sticks in your asshole from when you're like a child I was watching love connection and this guy if he said this now he'd get shot in the face in public but sure he does the guy one of the date guys guests or whatever contestants he was talking to Chuck Woolery Woolery two and two Woolery oh yeah so there's three syllables Woolery you say it quick oh it's Chuck Woolery there you go this is like sabarro's how do you say that Sbarro Sbarro yeah not Sbarro nah Sbarro there you go well that would be Woolery then

so it's different maybe different the different things Chuck Woolery yes all right the Woolery mammoth he was interviewing the guy and the guy said I like a woman he said a body a woman should have this is on YouTube he's like a woman should have three diamonds when you look at her from behind and he was talking about like at the ankle area the knee area like in between the when the calf becomes a knee and then in the in the like you know the cunt area there sure the cunt diamond with the cunt diamond had Leonardo Caprio movie yeah it's a good ski slope though but uh he was he was like if they should have three diamonds and he said you don't have three diamonds I don't want to

date and then Chuck Woolery on TV is like that makes sense I like that which now I mean the show would be canceled that guy would be jailed and uh don't get me wrong I mean that guy you know an idiot sure but um that must be a yeah I think it was his thing I mean this is like this is it wasn't even like viral I just remember being like nine and watching it and even as a nine-year-old I remember being like that doesn't sound right my mother got my mother's got zero diamonds yeah yeah one carrot well I had a carrot and I was snapping it all the time oh yeah what's up doc did you guys have that snapping the carrot I like I've never heard that really painful why would you snap that's what I always said my uncle day I think of my uncle Dale might have invented

snapping the carrot yeah he would always say I'm over here snapping the carrot and I remember being like who snaps a carrot why is your dick orange your pubes green is it pointy is it dirty right right do you shave it you just shave those things you snip them you snap them what what's the uh well my dad said uh yank yank in your crank crank yankers yeah then there was a spank in the monkey that was bigger than 90s then we had bop in the bishop oh yeah and then flog the dolphin wow that's a lot and dolphins rape and soda penises oh yeah that's right yeah also a woman is a man in the boat yes peeling back the onion oh yeah layer in the house with paint hitting the panic button um I made mine tune up but is that roddy piper behind us

who I know it's Seinfeld oh yeah I couldn't see because there's a mirror up here all right sorry I gotta focus here well should we just get into stories because I feel like we've been going long and not getting everything in there sure sure we're having too much fun folks all right well I got a lot of stuff here all right lay it on me because I got some some bad shit and some small shit that I want to throw at you and have you uh pontificate on okay analyze this or that did you like those films the first one was okay yeah they always overdo it yeah really crystal rob denier you get them in there that's a good time by the way I saw zombie land double tap I enjoyed the heck out of that oh really yeah it was pretty fun I was in Burlington Steve

big dick rogers and uh Caitlyn I'm not familiar with a vagina polufo standard veg they were up there uh they did the wednesday night they stayed an extra day for a little vacation hung out came to the show at the Vermont comedy club sarah and I and those two we would double dated we went over to the movie theater movie house saw zombie land it was that embarrassing things I thought it opened that week but it opened the week before so we walked in I was like is it packed in there I know we're late I mean is it if it's packed I don't want to go in the ladies like there's seats we walked in we're the only four there was one autistic guy sitting across from us oh nice and uh so we had two autistic guys total yeah um but the movie was pretty fun feels like those guys are

living they don't make any money I never see them working and they're always having a good time oh Steve and Caitlyn yeah what do they do they do they do three spots a week in the city you make eleven dollars and they were going to movies they're going on trips they're taking days off they're fucking I and Caitlyn's working she's out there yeah she's working she hosts in the city I think she headlines some shows she was doing the good good theater and Philly and then Steve opens for Regan oh all right I take it all back these guys are fucking animals Steve and Regan but I mean I think uh don't get me wrong I don't think they're floating in semen or anything uh the semen float it's a horrible tank what is that a deprivation it's a nice deprivation tank

if you have money you can afford to float in semen that might be nice actually it might be as long as you zip up the mouth and the nose and the eyes it's a badge you don't want to get pregnant I think once it hits the air it loses its you know validity is that right it's like an avocado yeah you can't just come on your stomach and jam it in your ass and get pregnant I don't know I think once it hits the sky the sky if the sun hits it or the oxygen or the window vampire can't hit the sun it's something like that I think once the oxygen it's gotta go straight from dick right into that cunt because it cools down or it warms up or I think what jizz is so fickle I think I'd be like if you were bleeding you can't just swallow blood and be okay

oh I see I it's gotta it's something has to happen you got to inject it into the vein right I always wondered this if you gave a toddler I'm talking about an infant yes like less than a few days old if you made him swallow a birth control pill would it kill him because his whole the whole pill is built to kill that kid so if he's weak enough and new enough I wonder if him eating one would be like a cyanide tablet possibly maybe not even associated with the pregnancy thing just because it's a foreign substance in a baby they can eat they can only eat apple stalks and hot dogs or something I think what is that mush that apple sauce it's not good and it comes out twice as mushy I've seen a lot of baby shit really yeah it gets up there

it gets into the their little tiny dicks and into the vaginas and up on the cheeks I'm seeing baby shit on a nipple what it goes high wow baby gravy I think you're gonna say if you give a little toddler some semen what happens because what if he loves it or he or she what if they're like all right I need more of that and then every 10 minutes the babysitter's got to snap his carrot that's true also you talk about swimming and semen how that's like a it's like a rich person thing you ever had jizz on you for more than 20 minutes it's it's like Elmer's glue it's like tightens up but you gotta you can feel it on your skin it feels weird to move your skin because it's almost like a webbing I think you went high with 20 minutes what's going on with the

20 minute cum thing 20 minutes you said for 20 minutes or more why are you experiencing that what happened there you forget you didn't get some of the butt behind your ear or you get something in your ass cheek you forget you lose touch you know you're rolling around in it with the bedroom lady I'm 100% with the except for the time I've had it on me for three minutes because I was finishing my novel but you didn't know it was on your ankle 20 minutes oh you know what I have had that I gotta take it back I gotta take it back thank you I've had on a post cleanup where I missed a spot that's what I'm saying I got you I got I thought you just had someone coming on your back and then you were lingering around and watching Baywatch no no I mean I have but I'm sorry I'm

talking about the time it hits your your toenail and you forget about and you go to work yeah I've had it where it's on the little stomach happy trail pew and then they all meant to get like six they're all one thing and you gotta scrape my break them off sometimes it's an adhesive it's almost like when you make scrambled eggs which I just started doing a week ago so no expert but you get all the eggs up there's still that in the rim of the pan there's still that thin layer of and it's the same color and texture and everything that's right I mean look at a sock you leave jizz in a sock that thing's getting up and walking around and doing a can can it's so stiff forget about it yes jizz them it's very strange liquid I'm not a forget about a guy what the

hell was that I felt strange I watched Donnie Brasco recently that's a real real close to being great Brasco it's right there it's like the and hash stinks a little bit the music's not quite as good the filter it looks too cheese like you're almost a great movie there's a couple of those out there you're like this is almost amazing yeah but uh another one right now still enjoyable but but zombie land was pretty good it was fun we had a good time I'm not saying it's great don't email me and be like oh blah blah blah oh you know it's like that it's some jokes it's not it's not as uh good as Donnie Brasco but departed you're like this is almost good but there's too many weirdo little tidbit that don't add up yeah it's a little a little long the little little bit of uh cheese

Nicholson's over the top yep I think we've talked about this we've talked about this quite a bit and people got upset with us Colin um but anyways I wanted to talk about this the week before Burlington I talked a little bit about being in what the hell's that town where the blue room is Springfield Missouri so everyone's telling you the things to do Saturday you gotta go here you gotta go there they have an aquarium I guess that's the size of fucking Montana it's the biggest done with the aquarium I've done with them I've seen I've seen a fish in every city what's the difference I don't like an aquarium it looks the same in Milwaukee as it does in Austin I know you know what remember that time we were in Boston we tried to get things we tried to yeah accumulate

oh what do you call that create some stories yes you me Alvin and Bulger we went to the uh aquarium thinking it was gonna be something yeah you fucked a seal I took a shit on a stingray nothing happened even then there's no stories yeah I'm petting a stingray you're like it feels awkward and weird yeah it's still a stingray it stinks stink ray nailed him that's kind of like uh Steve Irwin no no he was killed by a stingray yeah I had a dumb thought it didn't even make sense David tells calls them the Puerto Ricans of the sea ah that's his thing easy um so I'm looking at all everyone's telling me things to do blah blah blah and sometimes I just want to watch football and jerk off and work out and you know that's it yeah but anyway so all these there's all

these college girls walking around the hotel I keep seeing them everywhere they got the sweatpants and the jackets it's Arizona state so I'm like I wonder what's going on with this Arizona state business there must be some kind of game there must be a team and I'm seeing them everywhere and they're not even like hot anymore they're just young young women I can't do it yeah it's especially the the sweats aren't helping either sister are you don't like a sweat depends on you know are they the baggy sweats with a with a marinara stain or spotting I don't know what that is yeah or are they like a tight yoga workout sweat a sweat with a the butt can really look nice on a sweat that's true but if they're super baggy it's a little much yeah yeah

but a lot of the yoga pants out there too which is nice yeah I love a yoke but anyway so I kept seeing them and then I see Arizona state ice hockey so I go oh they have a hockey team Arizona state hockey that can't be great and so I go well whatever let me google so I google big hockey tournament in town it's a ladies hockey tournament women's hockey and it's Arizona state Utah a few schools so I go I'll google that I look that up it's across the street all day hockey tournament you know I'm a hockey fanatic so I go I'm gonna go to the hockey game oh boy it's gonna be by myself over there how many people are going to see Arizona state hockey in Missouri right and so I like to support the the sports and I like sports so I go over there seven bucks gets you

in for the day three games day pass that's two dollars and thirty three cents repeating per game so I go over there for the noon game there's a noon of four and a seven I got shows the seven I go I'll go watch the noon game now this is between oh what's the college fuck it was a Christian school down there St. Mary no it was something like that in August it didn't have a saint it was just sounded like a cruise jeff or I didn't write it down something some Catholic school versus Utah which Utah you don't think Utah you don't think hockey no no Mormon or Ted Bundy yeah so I go down there I'm gonna watch the game seven bucks I think I go like one ticket for the game they go seriously no you got a you got a kid in there I got no I got no kid I just like hockey

they go all right they probably think it's some weird creepo so I go in there now I can't lie I feel a little bit uh good I feel good for my I'm like hey look at me supporting the ladies out there playing hockey I'm a good man I found something to do and who goes to a hockey you have that thing I'm a very unique yes who goes to a women's hockey tournament in Missouri and of course in the back of my head I'm thinking this will be a tale for the podcast you got to do things for the podcast father and I'm proud of myself for not just sitting in the room or going to a museum and you know whatever I go in there and I'm all excited then the teams come out I'm the only one there that's not apparent it's like you know old couples being like come on Sue and then just me the teams

come out the one school Concordia I think is the name of the school Concordia Cunt just c o n oh Concordia they come out they have eight skaters and one goalie all right now a normal hockey team has 18 skaters two goalies you get your backup goalie and you got 18 guys or girls yep so they're about uh 10 short oh geez I mean 10 short short one goalie so they got eight players total now normally hockey you're sprinting up and down you got to keep changing out the lines because it's you're tired right they got three subs over there the bench is lonelier than my hotel room uh-huh so I'm like well this isn't going to be pretty and now I don't want to do it baby negative thing well if it was negative it was negative it doesn't matter who the gender the

queef the labia the clit it's Concordia I'm not trying to poke fun I try to support but this was the worst quality of athletics I've ever seen in my entire life even the special olymps well well men or women ah I'm kidding I'm kidding I'm joking of course I mean now don't give me a ride I want to qualify this by saying I've been to the women's frozen four you don't watch the Minnesota ladies or the Providence call Boston College this some women's hockey I watched the women's olympics I got really into it we won the gold medal we went quite a bit it's Canada you watched Canada versus us olympic hockey women's you can't even tell the difference they're zipping and zapping up and down slap shot sucked my dick it's wild sure tremendous yes Utah versus Concordia

yikes I was a big old walkout I had to wait for the period to end because I was like well let me hack that out I'll go I'm going to go get warm because it's freezing in there speaking of period but I'll tell you they just it was frustrating it's like watching pee we but again they must be new to the game I think is Utah or something I don't know what's going on but this was some real garbage hockey I want you're getting upset where it's like a it's like a two-on-none yeah like a breakout and there's no pass I'm like this is an automatic goal right only can't pivot to two people yes but just one girl just keeps it one woman keeps it skates right in and just kind of huh flicks it at her now of course by the way adding to it it's not about gender so much

their gas because they got three bench players so they're a normal shift is like 80 seconds their shift is like seven minutes they can't sprint any longer so they're just like trailing the passes were terrible the shots are terrible and then you know this is a bad sign they score a goal with like two minutes left in the first period and the girl goes ah she jumps up and down they all skate out there they go nuts like they just won the world cup yeah and I'm like it's one nothing oh I mean if you guys not scored all season or what right so it wasn't great now I mean this with all due respect to uh Concordia there's eight of them it's hard to skate with eight and uh that's my slogan good t-shirt um and of course you know

whatever I'm not I'm not shitting on uh ladies sports but I am shitting on these two teams particularly yes yes again that's equality like a world series I'm watching the world series like this world series sucks yes I tweeted it that's true I saw the tanks right shitty world series so shitty world series shitty concords bad is bad but uh you know I don't want people to think I'm a horrible person so I do love women's hockey but uh Concordia blows and Utah not much better Utah stinks get it together but maybe there's the first year maybe it's the first year or they had a bunch of players hurt or uh you know they have head injuries I don't know what's going on over there but uh by the way there's about nine penalties too just hooking trip it like

the whole time it's just like ah you can't do that you can't do that you're not allowed to do that yeah it was all it was like whoo it was bad I had to go watch old YouTubes of uh wow porn had to get that taste out of your anal huh but anyways that was fun yeah you went out this this is when people go this is why we don't go out yes I hate those guys like no you tried something it didn't work out tried it was fine it was still fun got a story got a story that's probably gonna piss people off but uh man that'd be great if you got really into it you're just out there with like a playbook like come on yeah you're throwing your hat down and stepping on it well I kind of felt that was getting mad because I'm like she's wide open you gotta move the puck I'm like you

gotta skate backwards you fuck there's a lot a lot of that but uh you know it was still fun still an experience and maybe this is the be the early part of the Disney movie you know there's always the the scene where the coach is like I can't work with these idiots these guys are all over the place and then you know two hours later they're winning the uh the P we anal right they get the transfer kid and then the divorce mom right it falls in over the coach and uh yeah they throw a black kid in yeah that's mighty ducks yeah yeah all right but that's it for that one I got some other business but let's shift it over to you because otherwise they'll write to me and tell me to shut my asshole up I'm gonna give a quickie here give me a quickie because I got a couple quickies

too I'm doing these gigs all you know you know we do every weekend we go to Denver we go to Austin we go to bean town we go to whatever and two weeks in a row I've had the Wednesday arrival no you don't mind but for some reason that really gets me up the cut cordia well I don't like a Wednesday arrival but if you're going to Austin it's not bad true you know but I just loot you lose that week you know I like leaving on a Thursday because that's the back half of a week exactly Wednesday still the midweek so whatever but I get my goddamn bike impounded but on two weeks in a row I need to get the bike out but you need the daytime because obviously the DMV is open during the day but I got to leave on Wednesday so you only have your Monday and Tuesday

to get your bike out yeah so I'm just getting raped up the pooper by this DMV rocking it from the delta to the DMV we need a we need a term is it a what's a DMV what should it stand for dig my vagina out or something you know that the DMVO destroying my veg oh that's not bad the destroying my veg destroying my vagina the DMV so we'll put it in pencil yes temporary and uh they just ruin me so I do Minneapolis it's great whatever but Tuesday night it's my last chance to get some sets in the city I get it's pouring rain I got five sets pouring rain out the lady goes hey I want to come around with you tonight you know she's like I never see you're leaving tomorrow you're never here you're going all weekend let me go on the sets with you

I was like oh that'll be nice so we get a bite we do one set it's fun and that once you get to the second set she's doing the how much time you're doing now and you're like I got five of these you're like this is gonna be a long night if you're already miserable the second just go home she's like all right sorry sorry you're right so it's pouring rain and I got her following and no matter what anybody says they can't keep up they can't I know now I hate to shit on the ladies hockey team but she's got these tiny little hoofs since you can't follow and it's raining and she's like let's get a cab like the subway's right there we should have broken these stories up I know back to back misogyny oh I was a misogynist I'm not being either I'm just saying it like it is

no misogyny this is actually the most offensive part is how we have to go oh no no no you know if it's not so bad ah you get it well now I feel bad I'm just waiting for all these a concordia it's gonna blow up and they're gonna be right and well I'll have yous no if you say let's see you skate or something we're not getting hired on mad tv that's for sure geez all right so whatever so I do a gig at some bar it's tough and like the whole time you're just hearing yourself do the same bits that she heard on the first show which right comedy works but the fact that she's there it's like ah does she think I'm a hack you know I'm like ah it sucks yeah well she's like she's not pulling his thumbs off it's the same thumb it's the other thumb yes exactly they're

just like shut up yeah the rabbit's in the hat I know I know it's a whole thing so but either way I'm trying to just shut her out and do my set shut her island we want run out it's pouring rain we jump in a cab and the whole time the cab's in and traffic watch ah I should have gotten a fucking subway why I'm in this cab right now you're watching the meter tick up you're not moving so I'm texting carolines I'm going to carolines like hey hey I'm on my way I'm supposed to be there I know I'm late so we finally get there I'm 20 minutes late I run in there's people leaving and you're like oh no I missed the show and it was a cancer benefit no pay but you do 20 sold out carolines whatever so you're like all right it's for cancer I'll do it for free okay so

I run down I'm like ah geez she's five miles behind because I'm just I'm t1000ing it down Broadway in the rain you get there you're soaking wet and I run in and the host lady I'm like I'm so sorry I'm late she's like who are you I'm like I'm Mark she's like oh oh you're good you're good there's gonna be a guy then a video then you and you're now now the whole table flip because you go I'm I've been late I'm in the wrong but now she's like oh no we the show's running behind so you're gonna have to wait you're like no no no I need to go next I hate that you know what I mean well also how about a text folks if you run a show if you have a show the show's running late just shoot us a text because I'm fucking running up and down flights of stairs I'm sweating I'm

knocking over old ladies exactly just give me a heads up yes god I would love a heads up because I'm in the cab just shitting blood going I'm late I'm ruining everything right because then you got another show after that you got to make that one and it's all dominoes so I get down there and then there's one kid I forget his name sweet guy he's got glasses new comic and he goes do you want you want to take my spot I'm next you just go and I'm like oh my god I appreciate it thank you sold out necktie uh tuxedos this is like high end society here okay there's not a black guy in the room not a brown not a queef not a latino zilch lati zero yeah so uh and the ladies talking she's like that girl's on bravo she's on real housewife like this is a star study

here so uh the video they go alright the guy's gonna put the video on now so the video clicks on it's like a little girl with cancer she's like the sound isn't working oh that's kind of nice actually it's kind of nice but it's already a shit show everybody's getting up everybody's doing blow and all this shit everybody's rich and can I just say this about these benefits yes saves the cancer kid for another night we know about the cancer kid I know this is supposed to be the comedy I I've already gone in I understand you're doing good things yes horrible shits happening to children yes you're making money so the doctors can fix the horrible children yes someone fed them calm or birth control pills and now you're gonna swoop in and fix it I'm on board I get it completely

leaves that at home yeah send out a link that says here's a video of a kid dying and a guy touching her right if you want to watch it yes just let's do the show good point put that or at the least put that at the end at the end or beginning at five o'clock two hours before then you get the dinner yes the beginning is not as good but I go to watch you know Pearl Jam does a show for homeless they're not just showing homeless people shitting and there's coffee or whatever in the middle of the show exactly like I get the Jerry Lewis what is it the telethon yeah telethon they're trying to get you to pay money immediately so they're just saddening it up the whole time here's that here's that that's different that's like hey give us money now this is a show live in the room right and it

gives the kid a TV credit you get to come out he's on TV you're gonna be on TV that I like you know it's sweet it's fun yes mr. Rogers jumps up there right he's got crutches why don't he falls and you know somebody's singing to him but we're not doing bits to the kid yes we're not like I fucked my wife the other day and she sneezed and my dick fell off right what do you think about that mommy yeah so great point yeah so the the video is playing but the sound isn't working so it's just showing a bunch of kids like you know there's no sound and then you're like god damn it so this old guy gets up he's like this old good-looking rich guy salt and pepper tuxedo and he goes god damn it turn it off it's his daughter oh wow this is my corporate or my foundation I put this whole thing

together you guys can't get one video right wow the comics have been bought he just he's like shitting on the show he's like not happy he's just a screw loose it's like snapped oh I love him and he just goes this is what's what and he's just standing there like a like a man like no mic he's in the audience like in the middle everybody's like doing the full turnaround wow and he goes this is what we're doing this is why we need money we have about this much we need to hit it this much and and then and you know you're like wow this is pretty impressive this guy's owning the room and then he just goes and I just wanna now he breaks down oh man he's talking about his daughter he's talking about the cancer and all hits him at once he's like my wife is sick too

and I can't catch a fucking break and all this and this like guy went from like the biggest man you know Bert Reynolds Schwarzenegger to like now he's just sobbing up there nothing wrong with crying but I didn't see it coming I love to cry I cried at the hockey game crying up yeah and so he gives speech now now he's crying and he goes okay and his wife stands up oh no what does that mean the camera's flashing hold on folks the camera's lighting up it's blinking the camera's blinking youtube patreon hold on one second oh right in the middle of a great story what does that mean battery oh fuck it just happened yeah so hit maybe try hitting record again oh fucking my mother's ass oh full card on the camera well the youtube's gonna be fucked mark has an idea what's happening

I'm switching the back card there's two cards in there there's two cards one of them is full so mark is switching them out here no there's no light at all right now oh you gotta cover the car okay now it's blinking again do we have an extra card in the uh oh no uh we didn't delete ah we pause that and I'll delete him or should we just go I'm gonna run at a time I'll video my phone we'll do the second half on the phone yes maybe Shelby can splurge or what do you splice but it's gonna be hard to send a half hour video right in the middle of the cancer story we gotta pause the pause the pod shelb I mean we can just leave it but he can cut it all right George is saying cut it is that recording oh there you go that's recording yes all right okay

we're back and uh we gotta we switched angles on you yeah this is my phone hopefully this will be able to was it wasn't there a problem before we couldn't send it oh yeah that's true it's gonna be a 30 minute video yeah I don't know oh what about this every once in a while I stop it and I'll just send them multiple 10 minute videos I guess but I you know I'm worried about your time situation he'll have to keep splicing no I just hit stop and then record again it'll start a new video that's great I'll just send him five 10 minute videos that's gotta be easier I love it but he's gonna have to do a lot of splicing come I'm worried your head's cut off there fatty that's all right I got my brandy Carlisle t-shirt oh yeah cool cool tea there it's gonna be reversed too because

it's a flipper so I can see it that's dolphin come back to flipper yeah I liked it all right so let me just say this the guy's weeping the whole thing and then he gets his wife stands up and goes Johnson Johnny it's enough it's enough okay and it's like they're hugging and then he sits back down and then they go mark normand and I go oh so then I go up because I still gotta get out of there so I'm just like fucking I'm just gonna eat my lunch up there real quick and do my time I go how much the girl goes 10 10 I go great I get up on stage I look below me it's all kids the kids are in the crowd I didn't realize I was just watching the crying guy oh are they sick kids no I think they're friends with the little girl and they're all in tuxedos they're cute as a button I and I open with

an Epstein joke and they just go oh I couldn't control myself I was like this is already fucked and I just kind of try to dig my way out of it and some Asian in the front is going this Asian lady's shit face she goes you're losing it you're losing it oh no bombing a little I would get them and bomb and get them and bomb were you losing it I was me so sorry lady I couldn't keep up the children I was trying to go clean and then I had to follow the crying game and then I got Jared Fogel's classroom in front of me it was a whole obstacle course oh my god soaking wet I got the lady there was a lot of spinning plates yes parades so yeah if I came with kids to cries and no one can hear it can I had that joke earlier enough time has passed but well they all cried

after bicep and uh you know I just grabbed the lady it's one of the things you're like oh none of this I spent my on a cab you didn't get paid for a nickel of this and then you go back home into the into the rain but you got yourself a tail it's all about the tail all about the tail you get a tail and I'll tell you what else it's all about folks our wonderful sponsors uh yes please for the love of god support the people that support the show it's very important to us and this week's episode is brought to you by feels CBD do you experience stress or anxiety or chronic pain I do or have trouble sleeping at least once a week yes well you're not alone fatty most of us do personally I like to take CBD it calms me down it relaxes me without a high oh that's nice that's the key

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PM like they're I don't know what do you go through quick going out of style chiclets going to the electric chair there's an astronaut coming an astronaut well whatever what's the other one called the bad one murderer now the thing that comes and hits you comet asteroid ah yeah good video game so I joined the feels community to get the feels delivered right to your door every month you'll save money on every order and you can pause or cancel anytime feels has me feel the best every day and it can help you to become a member today by going to feels dot com slash Tuesdays and you'll get 50% off your first order well free shipping I'm gonna try it they sent us some and I Sarah took it and she loved it oh great I'm gonna give it a ticket for a spin tonight for sure that's

feals.com slash Tuesdays to become a member and get 50% automatically taken off your first order feels.com slash Tuesdays and free shipping thank you let me tell you a little bit about this because last time we were here I had just gone to the ear nose throat doctor for the reflux because my reflux has been kicking up again but I think I'm starting I'm starting to get it under control because I got some new business some new light has been shown on my my tits we got light well Dr Steve was like a savior from above love doc but the chlamydia whisperer doc I gotta put my hand up because it covers your face um that's fun isn't that fun that uh you know when you do things oh yeah this is the best youtube ever it's not bad oh boy all right this would go all night anyways

uh my leg all right we're doing our best here folks I feel better than people on audio only oh yes sorry well don't be audio only go to the fucking youtube and suck the youtube's dick but does that affect our numbers on the podcast I don't know how it all works oh good boy well either way as long as they're hearing it god damn it here's what you do you listen to the podcast you get on the patreon you get the youtube or the video first yes the patreon is alive and well I mean it's the first 174 episodes are on there all the live episodes are out there another live episode coming November 11 yep hoping the patreon will be live the village underground get your tickets that will sell out you got that right and then there's all kinds of

queefs I play the mandolin on there you're doing 4am things drunk drunk queefs at comedy clubs in green rooms a lot of bonuses of us just together on the uh lunch stuff studio couch here so there's one of us fucking a double teaming of fat kids so get it that was a big night the burgeon guy yeah he was cute so anyways so I've been having the health issues I go to the ear nose throat doctor because my thing's all fucked up he just kind of dismissed he's like I was feeling it in the lungs and I was kind of like it's going into my lungs the reflux and he's like nah that's something else you're crazy and he's like your vocal cord movement came back when my vocal cords close we talked about that before yes doesn't sound good can't breathe it's very unpleasant

so I go alright I guess I'm crazy then I keep having this cough feeling a lot of shit in my lungs then I wake up on Wednesday I'm coughing up blood no not coughing up like this like that sorry to everyone listening at home yeah I spit this blood I'm like doc holiday over here right that's no peach of a pepper what is it huckleberry huckleberry I go I go alright I'm coughing up blood so I call Dr. Steve I get him on the horn he's like yeah it's no good I googled it first of course and it says if you cough up bright red blood in your phlegm just traces of it it's alarming but not usually a big deal so I go that's a good that's a relief so I don't push the panic button I call him he goes yeah your lungs are a little inflamed but you should go see a doctor

see a pulmonologist never heard of a pulmon that's a that's a lung doctor that's what I said shouldn't lung doctors have lung in there you think a lungy alex lunger but it's like the nose is rhino you know they go back to latin oh yes so maybe palma is latin for lung all right that sounds right I'll take it pulmonary gland is that something palma yeah back of my palm palm reading brine to palma there you go but my lungs are untouchable folks anyway so I go there and I want to blow out or is it blow up which one was him blow out blow out yeah I think we had it right anyways yeah yes I think that's a diploma I'm not mistaken so any jizz I make the appointment with the thing first thing Dr. Steve says though he goes it's definitely reflux the reflux you're

inhaling it at night because you're sleeping it's pooling and you're breathing it in that's why it's affecting your lungs he goes I had the same problem which makes me feel better thank god then he says the problem is mechanical he's like the spicy thing and the prilosec that all makes it worse but the real problem is mechanical your your pipe your sphincter's opening up and he's like it's because of bread he's like I bet you eat a ton of bread sugar and I go that's all I eat because I'm trying to eat spicy so I've been eating croissants macaroni and cheese the rice two bagels a day he goes knock that out for two weeks you'll feel better it's been one week I already feel better so I think he's right I think it's all this bread and croissants and pasta and someone

else wrote about the waffles that's all the waffles and the home so I'm going clean now I'm eating eggs and broccoli and spinach and my mother's cunt and the whole thing yes feeling a lot better so I go to the pulmonologist and I hate that you know when you show up at the doctor right away you're like now I hate this yes first I google lung specialist New York and these places are all like 800 bucks for a consultation but I like the 800 dollar place because they got leather chairs it's just you it's very like ritzy feel this women and come if you will yes yes cunt courtia I go to the east village place it's 240 bucks but is the lines out the door it's all squirrely and crazy people are sitting on each other's birds in the building it's very strange so I go I'm gonna be here all

day I just go I'm gonna be here I'm gonna wait an hour that's how it's gonna be I waited out first they bring me in they did my my lung my oxygen levels are 100% my pulse is great my blood pressure is great they're like we can't believe how healthy you are all right I go great height and weight great the whole thing all right wait another 45 minutes I see the doctor he's like Swedish or German I like that yeah and but I can't understand what the fuck he's saying so then he says that well because your chest looks great uh which I thought was bizarre well the problem's on the inside yes what was it gonna be like you're missing a nipple here right what it looks great it's a it's a regular it's a chest I got a cough and cough is inside pulmonology

so they go cough looks great he goes uh we'll send you downstairs for the pulmonary pulmonary function test now this is where it gets weird that takes another hour so now it's about been here for two and a half hours I go into the basement there's a lady nurse she says you gotta blow out the candles I say I've been blowing out candles my whole life not a problem it's a simulated screen with a little cake with candles on it they give you a hose you gotta put your mouth on the hose and hold your nose okay and try to blow out the candles I go all right no problem now have you ever tried to blow out candles with your mouth open and your nose plugged I have not are there candles literally no it's a little video screen oh so no your lips are too close see that's how

I blow this is the issue I had I couldn't fucking do it exactly thank you God bless you that's what I kept doing oh what else is the option no no no no right away so everything that all my real deep issues happen at once this feeling of I'm never gonna be able to get out of here I can't do it I'm not doing it right somebody help me there's no one here to help and she's like the you gotta she's like right away she's like no no no that's not it I was like okay so so what do I do yeah it starts off simple and innocent I go all right wait I'm sorry then what do I do she's like hold your nose blow out blow out the candles like you're blowing out candles I go okay got it I don't know what happened there but let me try again so I tried to do what you just did I go I'm trying to

blow but when you blow your lips gotta be together sure I can blow baby you're gonna blow job I can't blow I felt like a straight guy that tried dick once in college I got my my nose out the thing I'm going I can't do it and I'd blow like three candles out she goes blow blow blow you blew it what and I go like what do you mean I can't I can't do this and she's like only very sick people can't do this test well come on Swedish whore what is this I go well I'll run up the stairs I'll do jump eject I just I'm like I've never blown out a candle and then she's like it's very simple like this and I go like this I blow and she goes yes yes and I go okay all right now I got I see I'm gonna every time you try to reset and be like here I go yeah I couldn't do it she's like keep

going keep going I'm going and she's going you're not blowing and I'm like I'm out of breath yes I can't blow anymore so every time I would take a second deep breath she's like no no that's cheating you can't do it what and I finally I go just tell the doctor I couldn't do it I guess so but I'm like I think I'm okay I think I'm healthy this feels like a weird mind test more than a blow job I was having a panic attack she's like all right let's try the other ones were easy they're like doing this kind of bullshit like a Lamaze class and she goes let's go back to the original one like family few when you skip one you gotta go back yeah right right fast money so I tried again I got three candles blown out the ladies yelling at me I'm yelling at her people are like peeking

around the corner be like what the hell's going on with this and I was like this doesn't happen to other people she's like no emphysema oh Jesus I'm like but you can try it again let's the people see no wait tell me what I can't do so I don't so imagine you're holding a hose I get to bite on a hose your mouth is open about like that further like rounder around hose not that big this big like a dick imagine your mouth's on a dick there you go now hold your nose and blow out for as long as you can yes you see you're not blowing you're you're yeah that's what I was doing okay I couldn't blow up maybe I got emphysema you got emphysema we both got emphysema the emphysema twins here not bad but I fucking hated it I left I was like was crying it's rain it was that day that was super

rainy yes same day and then she's like you're gonna x-ray so I went to the x-ray plate I was there for four not as at the original place for four hours cost me a hundred dollars I go to NYU for an x-ray I walk in there the guy young black guys couldn't be sweeter I go how long am I gonna be here because I just waited for four hours and he goes section two over there you see section two that's the waiting area I look over section two empty I go great he goes it's 114 bucks I go for two x-rays I thought it was like a thousand bucks he goes yeah yeah I go over there right away they call me in I take off my shirt the lady says your chest looks great good chest thank you take two photos walk out I say thank you to the guy forget his name I'm in and out over there at NYU the next day I

got a thing back from the doctor says your pulmonary test came back normal you're in the normal function range the shadows are great you're fine whatever good shit so lungs are healthy couldn't blow out the goddamn candles I'm feeling better with the no bread but that fucking pulmonary test I wanted to kick the thing I wanted to break it yeah but I'm glad to see you're really making me feel a lot better that's what I kept doing is this gal is not lunch she needs to retool that that blow test she's a wet sock after a wet sock yeah she's dead I don't like her she she blew it all right let me break up this video and it's oh stop now I'm hitting record again I like it second 15 minute video I love it all right and you want to do another one because I want to get the soda story in there

but it's not gonna be long I want to hear I'm dying here this oh I'm out of the picture I want to hear the soda story uh one thing I'll just say please say a bunch of so I did I was in Minneapolis we had a great weekend we sold some shows we did this and I had the the the the standard kid rando kid hey you want to do my pod and you know me I can't say no I'm gay I'm uh you know dead inside whatever and I go oh yeah sure whatever and he goes all right how about tomorrow and I go yeah yeah whatever so I go do press and I go now that I've done press I'm already downtown I'm in the city sure so I told my ride I said scram I'm gonna text this kid and get him to come downtown we'll do the pod knock it out I like it so this kid goes I reserved a room in the Minneapolis downtown

public library we got our own conference room we'll do it in there and then we'll be on our way and I said great I go to the library you go you ever go to the library downtown in a major city at you know noon or 11 a.m. yeah it's just hobo it looks like a bus station yeah it's all hobo snoozing and guys jerking off on the computers they let you use yeah that's Boston library for sure it's wild frightening so me and him are the only like young people in there who don't have a you know a hole in our sweats and eight coats on and we go in this private room we uh I don't know why the library is so unutilized in every city yes there's all these conference you can just rent out for free and use yeah we talked about that a lot we should have library I buy so many books

but again it's ego I like people to see the books I've read it's all ego my ego is not my amigo aha west we go that's an area in Louisiana all right so we go to this conference room we have this great pocket it's like a smart kid he's like a he grew up on a farm he's obsessed with like you know uh psyche and self help and making yourself better and spirituality and all this crap great deep pod and he goes all right well thanks I'll be out of your hair I go what are you doing and he was like this normal nice kid very quiet very soft spoken I go I'm gonna go get a juicy Lucy which is like the big food in Minneapolis all right and I go he goes I'll drive you I go great so we go get we go get lunch oh nice then there's a line at lunch so I go well let's go to the

electric fetus oh what that's their old that's their like uh omibia omibia records oh yeah yeah omibia yeah in the lake yeah so that's theirs and it's like this giant warehouse with records so we go there and then I'm like well let's go to the lakes so he drives me around the lakes we just have a great great day then we go get lunch we have a good juicy Lucy and then he drives me home and I spent a whole day with a stranger and it was great that sounds delightful that's good we're getting out of our uh comfort angels you know the shell yes no shell shall be Michelle wolf uh-huh shell gas so uh it was a nice moment because it just shows if you fucking listeners if you Tuesdays just cool it we'll hang with I'll hang with you all day I'm not hanging with anybody but

he was just so low-key and there was no like so how'd you get into it you watch my stand-up video oh right right it was just like normal guy so he's a comic or not a comic not a comic I love a non-com love a civilian we went to this uh there's a waterfall in uh Minneapolis waterfall that was beautiful it's Pillsbury it's 3am it's Target Best Buy all Minneapolis yeah they got some good stuff going on over there good stuff twins and uh Prince yeah Dylan yeah yeah Hibbing huh Hibbing Hibbing oh Hibbing from Hebrew so yeah so just a great day great great weekend the whole thing was solid uh my feature was killer Ali Sultan super funny guy Brandy was the host she was great the whole just the whole rig of my role but I want to say one thing when I was in the library I was

sitting there waiting for this kid to show up and I watched a young black kid I think he was skipping school he had a book bag on he was young and he walks right by me and I was sitting in the corner like trying to get away from everybody and he walks right by me sits on the ground and starts doing push-ups oh and I was like huh I like that because I've thought about doing that I'd never have the balls I go like I'm in a fucking library what am I gonna just do push-ups right here or at the airport I'm not gonna just do push-ups I have at the airport a lot yes you're like wow I'm here wait am I as well get a workout in I think my friend Derek was the first person I heard say this they should have little gyms at the airport oh that's cold you gotta lay over I mean I got there

compulsively early by the way some guy tweeted he's like you should change the name of the show to Joe's late for a flight but eventually makes it I'm like I'm compulsively early I felt was that's true I think you gotta switched yeah anyways I think that's neither here nor there but they should have a gym over there that's a great idea go in pull-ups because I feel the same way I'd like to do push-ups but you look like a complete psycho in jeans and a backpack doing push-ups but I'm just sitting here yeah and I didn't get to work out because I had to come to the airport exactly put some gyms in the fucking airport put them in even if it's a pull-up bar a one-weight rack or so I bet that would you put a quarter slot in there that'd be you make a million dollars in a

year because sometimes I'll do this I'll just be curling my bag and pretending I'm not like you're just kind of like pretending to be funny or something yes but I'm actually just working out I do the thing where I'll scoop my butt off the chair and do this the tricep yes you know just because I'm trying to get something plus you eat a bunch of dog shit at the airport anyways so you feel guilty so this kid's just doing push-ups and I gave him like the oh and I think he thought I was hitting on him but uh he just kept doing his push-ups and he did like a half hour workout and left I love it I love it too I was like this kid's my hero that's better than a gym membership you can lift books and that's true those encyclopedias I gotta that's gotta be at least 30 hell yeah you

could fuck the librarian yes that's a workout sure exercise yeah so whatever and then I got a I got a moped update and then I'll throw you the the hammer here now hit me all right because my I don't think mine's gonna be that long I might gush that's it go ready for a gush a gush all over me all right so this won't be long either but everybody's asking did I get the moped back the answer is no oh I had to get insurance I got insurance which was not easy for me then I went to the DMV today Monday October 28th got up early went down there it was a long line I think Monday's a mistake because everybody goes I'm doing it today right right beginning of the to-do list exactly so it's jam I wait in line I get my number two hours three hours finally

they call my number the whole time I'm thinking maybe I'll go to Chase Bank now because I have to do that too you know just let me get some stuff in just like the gym yes maybe I'll go buy a new lock because they cut the lock to shit and back when they take your moped off the rack so I'm like maybe I'll go buy a new lock and then come back and I'll say but then you're like what if I miss it if I miss it gotta wait again I'm just freaking out yes so I wait I wait I wait I get up there I have my insurance it's on my phone I got the app I feel so good I have all my paperwork ready I got everything they need the title the bill of sale the old registration I get the thing you always hope for a nice person of course I get up there I get the fucking mean fat black lady of color

and I put my stuff down she goes what you want me to do with that and I go oh this is all the stuff she goes well I need this this and this you're like okay okay you're like she's a cunt but just you know get through it it's like it's like the soup Nazi you gotta play their game right so she goes what the hell is this and picks up all my all my paperwork is wet because the cum guzzling Nazis at the impound took my cover off all my registration was in the bike so they got it all wet and now I got all this brown paper oh and so she's like what the hell she's like let me get some gloves I'm like all right here we go gloves she's gotta go put on a Michael Jackson gloves just want to touch my dog shit that they got wet they got gloves back they got gloves well

you figure you're dealing with some Aidsy characters uh with the uh the city folk that's true lights yeah so finally she comes back with the gloves on she has to do a little yim yam with the uh the people in the back there you know you just hear people go oh John I'll tell you what you know and uh they're trading recipes and who knows what high-fiving so she comes back and uh she's like this ain't gonna work and she's like throwing papers left and right and it all worked by the way but they have to they have to be a cum stain I don't know what it is well that they've had unfortunate lives their job sucks it's not rewarding they're just sitting there they gotta deal with a lot of the public that's true that's true you always think you're where the nicest people

in there I'm trying to be a lot of people are very rude yeah yeah and you know you just you just take it up the pooper as you use and you just go hey here we go so it all checks out and she goes all right just uh you got your insurance I go oh oh I got I signed up I got my app wrap shorter my phone she's like all right all right take it easy hot shot and she goes well let me see your insurance card and I go card she goes yeah you gotta have the card I go I got the insurance here's the number here's my uh everything I got the profile now I'm in baby and she was like I need the card and you're like do you need the card or do you just now do you have a way to get rid of me right you start wondering because I have all the shit a card is just a rectangle with the

same information on it yep and a phone is rectangular aha and illuminated maybe you're a round phone that might be fun ah and the future that's coming after the gyms at the airport thank you all right so I was like oh come on because I start thinking if I had gone to someone else they probably like all right whatever you don't have the card okay but you got your information all here blah blah so she's like I need the card and you she just gets you just hooked on that like card or nothing so I go I don't have the card she goes all right well you got to go and I go come on man I waited line three hours but I'm like I'm groveling yes and she's like get out of here you need the card I get here you are here mail guy comes cards in the mail so now I gotta go back

tomorrow oh so the every day it's another three hours at the DMA and all the drag my vagina through the mud or whatever we're calling it and then I got a cunt cordy of face and then bring the card in tomorrow and then I gotta go to the impound after that and then we'll see what they fuck me up the dick hole with now can you at least go to a close DMV is at least around the corner that's the clips the Penn Station that's not too bad too bad but man that's a horrible area it's the it's the weight though that's a if it was next door he'd still wait three hours the way aiding yes hardest part so that's where I'm at the DMV is safe and sound in the devil's vagina which is the impound but good to know you will have it back I will you will have it

hopefully tomorrow because again I thought it was stolen so the fact that you're gonna get it back that's good news you're right and this will all be semen under the ball sack in the future exactly we're gonna look back at this and laugh and say remember that and then you won't even remember it someone will go remember you like oh yeah that's a good point the worst moments in our whole lives you're like this oh right right yeah yeah you know your brain does that you know when you break up with a girl you're like oh she was everything and you're like what she stepped in your your balls every night you know I know but I loved her I know it happens all the time you only look at the fondle memories which is kind of nice yeah it's pretty cool I think about that everything I've

ever looked back on in my life I'm like that was great and then I think about it more close I was like I was freaking out that I might tooth hurt the whole time that's true yeah so that's comedy you know we sit here and go this guy got this this guy that good day we're 88 we're gonna go oh remember the soda special remember the Sam special remember the cellar and the anal and the Jews yeah all right so speaking of specials well this was a special night there's specials and then there's specials oh yeah and the word special in comedy has really been kind of retarded it's a little silly yeah I mean even my thing I did the stand-ups and it's like ah special it's like wow it's an episode of a show right to me a special it has to be good

to be a special once it's a bad special it's not even special it's just another shitty thing interesting you know what I mean I hear you I hear you so special our pal as we I think were the first to reveal Dan Soder is doing an HBO special I think it slipped up a couple times oh boy uh but I was with them when he found out which was so exciting not with them but I bumped into him the same evening right in front of the cellar you have that power you're always with Wolf you're with me you're with Sam you're with Soder you're with oh yeah I think just Michelle and Dan ah maybe you're right I don't think I was with you I was with you and I got Letterman I was with you with Letterman yeah that was exciting that was something that was special not us special but special

it's two different things started um but yeah Michelle Wolf when she got her Netflix and HBO special maybe I shouldn't have revealed that oh yeah I think it's fine yeah anyways we were at Miami Beach me her and Joe Mackie and that was exciting wow that was like what oh my god we were at Miami Beach phone call it was crazy Pearl Harbor and um so then Soder I wasn't with him when he got the news but he got the news that day we're in front of the cellar and we were talking catching up and then he's like he grabbed my shoulders like fucking uh Jack Palence and Batman you're my number one man he was like I got an HBO special and I was like what that's correct because HBO to me is the special yes Netflix became big but you're like no one care about no one knows what Netflix was

10 years ago five years ago three years ago whatever HBO is like Carlin yeah Louis Rock HBO prior Seinfeld that's what a special is HBO special so he said uh he's like I got an HBO and so that was a few months ago and just so exciting and uh I'm trying to wrap this all up and shortly because I gotta go to fucking dumb therapy damn it right but anyways we did this but he did this special last Wednesday it was and uh everyone's goes like do you want to go to the early show do you want to go to the late show and I had a spot at the stand 815 spot do my spot I walk all the way down it's at Bowie ballroom I go in there and of course you show up you're always afraid you're not gonna be like get in do you have that fear of the fear of my life that I'm like I swear I got

him on the list it says sold out tonight Dan Soder seven o'clock nine o'clock sold out and there's the trucks out there there's wires everywhere it's got that special it feels like something you know buzz in the anal now so I go hi I'm Joe listening you have tickets and I go well I'm on the friend list I'm a backstage son of a bitch then Nick Novicki walks up like and then it's always nice to have somebody yes hey Nick little Nick and uh you know again we've known each other 12 years you go what's up man you give him a big hug and then the door is open and Sal Volcano and his fiancee come out and they're with Samantha Black the audience lady and she's like hey list it feels nice to be known good to be known you're like hey and then I'm like this is Nick and they

go we're gonna put the because the top deck is where everyone's hanging they're like it's packed up there oh wow like you can't even get in the door is open the floor level is packed I mean it's like rock and roll are we seating are we standing we're gonna sit in the back Samantha's gonna find a spot for us because we're VIPs for God's sake sure but the audience is in the lower level and then there's a big round you you've been to barry ballroom I don't think I have oh really I don't think I own for gullman special there which was very exciting and uh so it's all packed like you can't even get up there and they're like now you can go in the green room you can watch from the dressing room but it'll be a monitor and I'm like and Sal and I are kind of like and I'm like maybe you want it

because he's a celebrity people so we walk in people like Sal go Sally oh my god big sale but we're in the back corner of the showroom they go you can watch it in the dressing room but it'll be on a monitor or you can sit back here or stand back here and watch it from here so we're going back and forth what do you think and I'm like we'll see it on a monitor when it comes out we got to be in the room I want to be in the room I want to see Dan I want to see the special although it would be cool to be backstage because hey Dan go get up you fucking son of a bitch but then you don't want to bother me there right right you don't want to be a bother so it's a whole situation Samantha goes now again we're VIP it doesn't hurt that Sal is here you got that right they go and

get chairs people come flying in which they went outside and whittled and built chairs just for us they bring them up stack them in the guy's like this is a fire exit she's like that's Joe less we're fine I got to stand the fire I love a fire exit and like Hedberg said I'll move if there's a fire good point and there was a fire it was the show it was fire yeah like I ain't flammable so we sit there it's a little Nick there and Sal his fiance a couple people come up they want to buy you know Sal drinks like get the fuck out of here no one recognizes me keep it moving quick and we sit there and only wait like a minute like a minute in they started right on time Justin Silver comes out yeah he opens does about six seven minutes because I don't like waiting I

don't want to be an audience member I like being in the back whatever of course Justin comes out does his seven minutes brings out Dan here's Dan Soder and I'm talking plain Jane roots brass tacks what do you call it just a black background Dan's in like a long sleeve green tea just looks like he's going to play catch with his dead dad just looks regular he comes out and waste no time just starts killing right away in the first show wasn't great he didn't love it you know you always have that first show is not great stiff but the second show was all the the campers or the campites campers logs whatever they're called he comes out he's murdering people are going crazy but no one's yelling out to be in too crazy just kill legit kill now I have not seen a lot of

stuff because he was out in Edinburgh we don't see each other as much he's on the road baby he's on the road doing the show I'm not opening for him so I don't know what half the act yes a few bits I recognize because you pop down occasionally like let me see what sodas doing you know share a soda pop so I knew about a few of the bits and this thing flows it's up and down and over and out we're talking callbacks there's a joke everywhere there should be a joke you couldn't squeeze in another joke because he ran the fuck out of it he did Edinburgh every night the whole thing and he did extra road shit it's like been a maybe three years since he did that half hour he did an hour then he quickly did a half hour hit the road for three years I mean this thing is so punch

it's one of those words you have that emotion of like I gotta write I gotta go home right now and write that's the best but you're also like laughing out loud this moment's where you're like this guy is so good so talented and it's just incredible because Dan and I for those of you though that don't know Dan I were like the tightest when I first met he was my first friend I made here Christopher Titus he was answering phones he's way better than him he was answering phones at stand up New York yes and then he lived in Jersey he stayed on my couch a few times oh yeah soda and we became neighbors who moved to Astoria and like we were sleeping on each other's couches all the time we'd get baked every night we went to Neptune diner every night got super high

chicken soup it do dick door the impressions I mean we go back oh yeah and then life happens you start to succeed he's on the road I'm on the road and you know quite frankly my jealousy got in the way of our friendship quite a bit and it's tough sometimes sure and a lot of it's just we're in different hemispheres when he's working I'm working he's on billions he's all over the place I mean so we rarely went through a lot and it's such an amazing thing because we were both like couldn't my electricity was getting turned off and he was working at dose Kamino's every night but we used to always be like every Halloween we went to the dose Kamino's party we did that once I don't know why I said every Halloween but we spent a lot of time together so for him to be

on HBO is like so fucking mind-blowing yeah it's an HBO hour and I just picked up those letters coming over the city oh that 80s shit the pink thing and very exciting so he comes out I think it was pink wasn't it electric was it blue oh yeah I think there's pink I think there's two different openings we got cooking here I know the one over the city I thought that was pink I'm picturing pink pink's a singer now this is why I witnessed testimonies not trustworthy I'm seeing pink in my head but it might not be pink I don't know if it was pink somebody call in Shelby Google it something I gotta I'm gonna miss therapy oh anyways the special was unreal and it's not one of those ones where you're like you gotta say it's great and then we turn it off and I'm like I gotta tell

you that was a little funky I mean this was legit killer and I was emotional we went up there Nate Barghetti flew into surprise I heard I heard he surprised me it's so weird when you see someone you're not ready to see you're like what yes and so we all go up there to see him after it's big J Nate Nick Novicki uh Sal Volcano uh you know his manager of course and then Lewis is there Lewis shows up he barely says hello to Nate he hasn't seen him in six months he's like the godfather of his kid Nate was pissed because Lewis is like what's up and Nate's like what is wrong with you oh Ari was there yeah and then me soda Ari and Nate we all walk all the way across to the fat black when they're having a party uh-huh nobody does it like the seller

Liz wasn't even in town she had to go to New Orleans for something they have WWF like banner all the way around they have a huge cake with Joe Montana with Dan Soder's face implanted on it or photoshopped on the cake that's a big cake it was unbelievable then there's like a big cardboard cut out of the ultimate warrior then old Wrestle Mania's are playing on a loop in the fat at the fat black they got endless buffalo wings 75 boxes of Joe's pizza uh there's a a big uh joked up over here big neon helmet 49er helmet with Soder engraved in it everybody's there wolf and uh you know donnelly and gerol everybody the whole gang is there patrice came back just amazing bobby missed it he was in boston whatever you know he's only his

father the wings um uh special night and uh the party by the way christie allen was there he couldn't get in i gave him the secret password everyone's like who let this son of a bitch in uh i got in trouble for that but whatever well he's black uh but everyone was there good hang but now ovec eon of course was there katie hannigan and uh of course it's late because the show was late then we hung out then we walked across so i'm like i like to my phone it's like i mean my watch whatever my my phone yeah it's 1245 at night time piece i gotta i gotta show the next day i gotta fly out the next day so i hung out the party for like 30 minutes and then so you can't even get to because he's so overwhelmed man of the hour me vekki on and Nate told some old stories when we

were all dying laughing it was great to see but it was uh really special because it's like you watch someone's dream come true and it's deserved and it's great and you saw the whole up tick the whole tick and uh not han and uh december 7th it comes out on hbo do not miss it tape it get ready i know that's a quick turnaround how many central it's like two years i know blow me so uh oh my god i gotta fucking leave what time is it right now i'm too scared to tell you 20 oh shit i gotta go what's it 345 ish oh my god i'm gonna take a cab or something i've never been late for therapy in my life you're gonna make it you're gonna make me i gotta go okay i gotta run out i still have to piss if you can make it in four minutes you'll make it all right albany funny bone next week for me uh demoin

funny bone after that dc draft i was november 22nd 23rd laugh boss in 29th and 30th yes i'll do my dates you go you go i'm gonna piss go piss i i just want to i want to say one more thing to the now i sound like a pro wrestler i want to say one thing to the people at home and listen up because it's the one time i'll say it you fucking goo goblers here's what i want to say there's 800 stand-up specials that come out every two days they all stink there's seven good ones every decade maybe this will be one of the good ones he put the work in he's a good comic he cares about comedy this ain't some cast and couch hey i'm a transgender asian in a wheelchair this is the real deal so god damn it a good guy got in and i'm not saying this is some kind of

bullshit i'm complaining diversity i'm saying he's better than most comics not because he's white or a guy or a gay or whatever he is he's just good and he tried and he worked it and he got there and that's why he's a very good comic very good comedian so yes you're gonna make it you're gonna make it i'll be in takoma this weekend and spokane and then portland and i'll be in the blue room we'll be at santa anna november 11 live app hit the patreon buy a shirt we're gonna get some new shirt i'm gonna get some fucking shirts all right and uh yeah go get get up there run run you could run the 14th if you think it'll help all right take it easy the wonderful great love you take it easy all right wow how about this just me here feels a little weird

all right what the hell am i doing yeah yeah tampa next year lehoya chicago is coming around the corner uh saint louis philly i'm doing dc one night november six at the improv i'm doing a weird show at temple university i think november 18th is cave comedy and philly look that up i think that might be sold out all right i hate myself blow your dad praise Allah call in tell a friend go gay and suck my ass