Tuesdays with Stories! - #322 Fat Chick Wen

Episode Date: November 5, 2019

Hey hey Tuesgays, Joe is shitting and seeing Seger while Mark is missing flights and going to Mcmenamins. Check it out! Sponsored by: Roman (roman.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy you're spitting at me hi I how she mommy holy hell here we are folks we got our pants off if you're

watching on YouTube via the patreon don't tell anybody that's true you should get on that vid folks everybody's talking about it get on the patreon the patreon is growing like a cancer in a child's asshole yeah asshole cancer the worst kind is that right is that colon colon yeah well I think there's actually ass cancer I think anal cancer that's different than colon yeah it's in the anal that is the colon which is like the neighbor of the anus the colon does all the chugging and chuchin turn it into a big poop hi and then the colon I think like kind of pushes it into the asshole and then the asshole well you know what

the asshole does the ass was the semicolon I really like that one it seems weird that there's colon and semicolon because you don't have a colon in punctuation is a colon is there a colon is a colon Powell is a colon is a colon is a semicolon but you think a semicolon is like part of a colon it's like a different thing yes I'm picking my nose itching itching no one uses a semicolon you notice that it I don't feel like it's utilized occasionally before you list things is that what it is yeah I think if you're like my favorite movies are and then you do a semicolon and write you know good fellas 27 dresses in

the godfather yes and three Mamma Mia and what was that other one that everybody did for a minute sisterhood of the traveling anal oh yeah I don't know what that is I never saw that something about pants I think I saw the lighthouse that's a hell of a picture wait a minute is that Keanu that's Willem Dafoe and this other guy Robert Pattinson I never really see he's hot and he's good is he good very good he's one of these guys he did I guess he did Harry Potter which I never saw he's a one of those vampire queefs yes he was a vampire queef and a Potter queer he's a Potter queer really got myself there and so he did those

movies and I think he got a little like hey what am I doing I'm an artist I'm British of gays I better do something so he started making all these auteur films we call that a McConaughey in the business yes similar to that or Heath Ledger similar to Ledger he did a thing like that we're using 10 things I hate about you and he's like what am I doing here yeah now he's he went too far with that auteur now he's in six feet under good show is it yeah oh wow it's dark I never watched anything oh it's just view you would like it I think but I started watching so I got into this Robert I watched the lighthouse Robert Pattinson

is like tremendous in this movie I never I didn't know who he was I was like who is this guy he's terrific so I looked up some of his movies and there's a movie by the Alfie brothers or something like that something like Alfie they made that they got the new movie with Adam Sandler called uncut gems that looks real dramatic yeah where he goes full Jew to Turro yeah well so here's the thing I never heard of these guys it's like the new movie from the the Jew bros yeah yeah and I'm a film guy I'm a lover of the arts you're a buff I go I don't know like the new film by these they're like headlining the direct you know I mean

like they're advertising as though it's like a Scorsese so I'm like I never heard of these guys so Sarah and I had to thought maybe just do that even if you've never had a big hit you just go the new film from Mark Norman right just make it seem like because I was like these guys must be something and then you don't seem like a huge so you're an up googling exactly I don't want to admit that I never heard of these guys so now I got I'm watching their movie called Good Time with Robert Pattinson it's pretty good about him and his retarded brother they rob a bank and hijinks ensues that's a big risk for

robbing a bank with a down Z while you're telling him it doesn't work out so great well don't spoil that's the opening that's the plot okay he's got a retard and he they doesn't go great well I shouldn't be saying retard I'm sorry I got a mature up a little bit here talking about I'm saying Rita and she's doing he's you know mentally retarded thank you I do feel bad sometimes someone's gonna hear this I think about bad people well here's the thing about retards that I never got you're not supposed to say the R word mm-hmm so why aren't retards using it like the n-word they should just take it and use it against you use it

as like a term endearment well perhaps they are I mean I don't I don't want to I don't know you that well I'm not with you all the time but I'm not hanging out with Rita they might be slinging it around I hope so retard please and what's up my retard they might be doing that I don't know if you were tired and you're listening you should be using retard as a term endear and only you well only I can see it oh we're going down can't sell it up well Louie's got a great night especially right to Louie but Louie has a great bit about the word and the usage but I don't want to I don't want to give it away here on tour as you

may have gotten the email give it away now never care for the chili peppers that much three I like soul to squeeze and a couple of those is that a tune I don't even know oh that one's lonely is that under the bridge thank you yeah yeah I know was into that one I didn't like the video where he's running in slow-mo what about aero plane that one was fun I like one hot minute I like that album the best and they like they were apologized for though we made a shitty album was sorry and I was like I thought it was great huh I'm not saying I don't hate him I'm not a I'm not a chili peppers hater okay that wasn't huge it seems fun yeah

he's in back to the future that's fun that's right a part two and three he's in a Cohen brothers as well is that right he's in something Alexa is flee in a Cohen brothers movie this can't go well maybe think of the Alfie brother all right well she's up to lunch yeah but anyways I forget what we started talking about I think I just went into the lighthouse as cancer oh yeah that's a bad cancer Colin there's something that's so bad skin is okay I think I know breast is real bad my mom had eye cancer and got rid of it the eye now the cancer wow both eyes still there damn that's scary I can't wait a minute as cancer could be called brown

eye cancer brown eye cancer her wait brown eye cancer well because you know you can't I can't I see this eye cancer you don't hear about eye cancer but she's very lucky gal I know I know rare one yeah I watched them take it out and they threw in the garbage now is it wow do they step on it to really make sure it's gone burn it like a cigarette they really snuffed it mm-hmm yep and she's in a couple snuff films if I'm not mistaken she likes a lot of cocks right on her snuffle up I guess well oh can I do this early on I don't want to forget cuz I forgot last weekend the week before and I don't want to forget this Sunday

November 10th is the apartment show PS 109 Upper East Side I've done it a bunch and you're invited to come on I guess you're maybe I'm pending all right well it's a hell of a show we got listen to this lineup Dan Soder who of HBO fame Adrian Appaluchee of Netflix Flames you got that right Sam Merrill of Instagram fame yeah and Jason Cantor and you know who's the sexy medical guy you're hanging out with from Ireland Chris oh Doug Key Doug Key is hosting the show body hunk and I'm coming in with questions he's one of these physical therapists oh yeah he's fucked I come right in there I'm gonna ask him foot

questions eye cancer anal the whole thing so it's gonna be a great show it's this Sunday and we've sold a lot of tickets but not close to all of them sold about half the ticket so but that's a killer lineup the show is always amazing and you never know it might be some surprises there you should get a certain somebody to pop in yeah he doesn't pop anymore you can't pop no pop they get upset if he pops we stop popping even up there I feel like he could pop up there he doesn't pop anywhere all right well pop quiz hot shot no no pop great film you know they call it a soda pop in the Midwest oh yeah very strange

yeah soda pop I heard that I've called soda soda pop for 25 years oh yeah if he does that not a common thing soda pop I think people get it okay you're fine because it'd be weird if I was just saying that and people were like I don't know what that's about that's around I thought it was like a dead dad joke he's a character on the outsider Sydney soda pop we talked about that recent I tried watching that movie again and I was like yeah not great very strange film yeah eerie and dark and the so should the greasers they obviously want to fuck dark and rainy I don't know what shirt on Swayze I don't know what's going on over there

he got ass cancer oh that's right yes what a sad guy to die he was cool and fun and he was romantic and sexy yeah dirty dance road house point break ghost love point break oh yeah Johnny Utah yeah yeah yeah movies got every cop cliche in the business yeah there's a lot of cheese on there you know directed that the Alphys no the dame Catherine Bigelow what yeah and no one made a thing about it back then yeah like no one even knew good point maybe they were keeping it quiet or didn't matter they were just like here's a killer movie is she a lesbo because that is a dude movie I don't know if she's a her because she really tapped into the

the nutsack on that one that is a manly film she's terrific but it's interesting that no one was like there's a woman movie back then everyone's just like oh this movie is great I agree I think we shove it down our assholes so much that now I I I'm more what's the word close minded you know because it used to be like oh Penelope Spears directed this great all right and now I'm like hey look everybody a lady huh and now I sound like a fucking guy from the 50s I've always said that I thought that one like Tony Dunge the Colts won a Super Bowl like the first black coach ever I'm like isn't that we're negative shouldn't we

just be like this guy won the Super Bowl which one Tony Dunge is the Super Bowl coach she won the Super Bowl I get it like someone could probably explain it and I'd be like that makes sense but they keep they still do like I was watching 2020 30 years ago 30 30 years ago 30 and they did they were like the first female F-15 pilot which it is of note but I guess I guess I see why they're like check it out but partly you just be like yeah she's a pilot he's a pilot yeah pilots well I mean which one it because it's kind of like when you bring up a you know when you bring up a girl on stage go this next comic she's

a funny lady you're gonna love her blah blah and then they get mad at you and then they have a thing where they go we got a lot of funny ladies on this show this is an all women's show you're like well shouldn't it just be comics there to yeah I don't funny lady here but then that's bad but then a funny lady there is good it's very tricky I do think the but I'm also just a fucking idiot and I'm a white guy straight so who do I but I just think like that's debatable just having just having to be like yeah yeah we got she's great he's yeah and I mean remember it's a kid right I remember watching Ellen I wasn't like look at

this funny die holy shit you know I was like oh I like this comic right I was watching the Seinfeld last night that Marjorie Gross and Carol Liefer they were one of the best episodes I never knew I just like looked at the writing also daddy how about that Liefer gross yucky anal anyway we don't know we don't know shit about anything obviously we should kill ourselves we've well I don't have a lot but what I have I got a lot of what does that sound like a Springsteen lyric it's something I think I don't have a lot I may not have much but what I got is good it's something like that all right something I'll take

that sounds like you're doing a rough draft of a Bob Seeger song well let me say this oh nice nice tease let me say this we always time people get upset about the travel sometimes which is weird that some people hate some people like it's like the Jews yeah well anyways so there's more travel than the Jews that's hard to measure that six percent of the country six percent yeah well seems low right actually seems high for what I thought six percent I mean they're running everything that's why they're so impressive they got the media they got the real estate they got the lawyer they got the banks they got

the jewelry the weather the weather they can really do it but yeah well so we talked all these negative travel stories I was late the flight was dumb the plane crashed the pilot fucked me in the ass jerk cancer yesterday today's Monday was recorded yesterday I came back I had a one-nighter in Rockford Illinois where does that sound that's in a movie Rockford peaches that's it league of their own wow worried to bring it up and then you fucking nailed it right up the tank well it's a hell of a picture hell of a don't get the clap love it's void the clap Jimmy Duggan that's good advice as there's so many

Joe I saw that movie 800 times the kid and I my dad had to go that you missed that one because he was a grown-up and you know he'd be like what do you recommend a lot of nightgames she's so hideous right that love it's when he first responds to her face yeah it's amazing I got you on an Oscar oh yeah just for acting not gay all the time too what's he doing now a day he's on the road really oh yeah sad state of affairs out there with the love it's same initials got a couple of those yeah Jim Laletta Jay Leno is more yeah yeah Jamie Liso okay fuck me this is only hooker oh John Leguizamo thank you don't

love him now he was he's a pest Jamie Lee Jamie Lee Curtis Jamie Lee maybe running low now John Lincoln was a comedian Boston anyways so I had to do this one nighter in Rockford Illinois now you never know how those are gonna go they're always nerve-wracking it's a private gig I thought it was like corporate wasn't corporate it was a group that they get together it's a food pantry pantry is that right no pantry's a cupboard what do you what do you call it a food bank food bank maybe maybe a bank it might have been a bank you have to stand no I was gonna make a bad joke I cut myself vault I don't think it's a vault

because you want to get in the food bank harvest something harvest it was like they get money they got food together a food bank fundraise food pantry fundraiser bank food fight well whatever it was they're good people so I go and I email my manager he got to give me all the info these private gigs when you're going by yourself I'm like the more info the better yes tell me everything what is it like what's it for who's he who and it's a lot of money so that's when it's really stressful they give me a nice chunk of change they seek you out or they just go get give us a comic I think they see I think they were six love to

be a Sikh see can destroy the lady she was a big fan the person running at the thing so I get all the info it's in Rockford Illinois which is a cunt to get to fly from LaGuardia to Rockford brutal so I'll fly to Chicago Rockford Illinois Chicago Illinois I'm gonna fly there but it's like two and a half hours from Chicago so let me check Milwaukee Milwaukee little bit cheaper and a shorter drive an hour and a half win-win so I go I'm going Milwaukee I just was in Milwaukee three weeks ago so I'm like I'll fly there I know exactly the rental car places I'm going to Milwaukee baby got the flight all booked

I'm nervous about the show now days are passing we're getting more and more of anxiety it's just lingering so I'm like I'm alone I hate these fundraiser what if I eat it I'm stank so I go why don't I see if all meats available big meat Mike Cronin my pal actually Sarah's idea I was like I wish I had an opener I was like who can I get she's like what about me he's in Chicago I'm like fuck yes that's a good wife I ate her out right on the spot Cronin's disease so I go I'd let go email my agent I go could I bring an open and they go well he has to be approved by the panel food panel hate approved the FDA had to approve them

pants panel I was a proud of that one so I go all right I go so I say meat now it's a weird thing they have to be like are you available Saturday which is unlikely he's a work in comic but he is he's like my schedules as open as my asshole is when you're around a quote so that's his quote I mean so I go great hold the phone can you get me a tape so now in this asshole it's like I need a tape for you to do some shitty gig yeah and now there's the weird thing where I'm like I might get back to you with they said no that's a good point so now he just randomly has a stress of like he's auditioning right for this weird show but

it's a little I mean if he didn't get it he didn't have a gig anyway I feel like it's not the end of the world it's a little ego cunt but that's about it yeah not the end of the world but still weird to be like alright I guess I can't he's a comic living at your guy needs the money sure so I go I'll get back to you so I sent it to my agent a day passes they go all right he's good to go so I go great you're in so I text him I say hey I'll give you a few hundred bucks and meet me down there now I'm mad because he lives in Chicago I could have flown to Chicago drove with him we could have had a six hour hang I could have saved the

money on the rental car giving him gas money yep but whatever so I'm like I'll get some alone time I fly to Milwaukee get the car drive down easy ride nice meal watch a lot of football meet up with him he brings his girlfriend Lindsay who's a comic as well Lindsay Rendell Rendell I don't know how you say her name big lens yeah but she's a comic lens crafters funny gal I think I don't know if I've ever seen her but comic yeah she's a guy I see what she's hilarious offstage I assume she's funny on stage if he's dating her she must be funny you hope so send a tape Lindsay prove it so they can they meet me I get to the show

a little bit early and it kind of felt good I was so anxious then I get there it's an Elks Lodge now I grew up on the Elks Lodge and part of me is like all right this is like what I want to do I miss those gigs salt of the earth those firehouse VFW Elks Lodge that's all I did from 2000 to 2008 or so love the chafing dishes the kegs of beer the old fat honkeys I know the lighting's weird the stage is like a table the speakers are just next to you the mic sucks right right but they're hot they're fun they're fun so I go all right this will be good I walk and I meet the lady Ashley she couldn't be sweeter she's like listen

I'm a big fan she's like that's why I like it and I go well what's it's PG 13 so tell me whatever you know what can I do I mean force Gump is PG 13 I'm like can I talk about AIDS and yeah my friend in the leg or jizz in your pajamas exactly I'm sorry so he said something there yeah he said I ruined your roommates nightgown or something like that bathroom oh and then she's awake the whole time it cuts to her like oh geez and then he's on the field I ruined your comedy party um but anyway so she's like well you can do this but they're religious and they're old she's like I love it all so I'm like all right I'll play it by ear and I'm

like I talk about sex like it's married sex not like I'm like fucking some fat chick on a Wednesday or whatever the old fat chick when fcw so I go I'll feel it out and then at this moment I'm like what am I doing I know how to work I know what I'm doing why am I this is the story of my life oh yeah I'm aware I don't need to I gotta stop googling and asking people I know how to do a show here here so then meet shows up Lindsay shows that we have a great hang in the back we're laughing we're yucking I'm so bummed I missed out on the car ride you have a meet and greet yeah great time and the show me goes up

and I'm like you're gonna eat shit I mean they're old as fuck but he does a great job he's a real pro I mean great comic all right mate he kills brings me uh I don't want to say we killed but we did good I saw a video of you you were shucking and driving up there well that was a bit I did was like because at the table with my water was like way over there so I had to keep walking over and I was like maybe I should be like Chris rock and I started walking like do the rock thing that's pretty comfortable though because you're in the middle of your act on I have enough time and and trust with the audience to to dick around

like that yeah it ended up being pretty good pretty fun and you can see the smiles like it was like one of those ones you see like the the walkers with the tennis balls on and stuff it was it was tough sledding and there's a little kid it was like a four-year-old kid who got sat he started crying in the middle of my bit he was like I was like I'm not geez he hates but whatever I said but we did the show then listen to this big fuck up oh boy here we go folks earlier he's like let's go get some food after and I had this whole thing I'm such a cunt I'm like a six percenter over here I'm like I can't eat after 9 30 and I'm like

you know what I I ate so I already ate so it was great to see you guys you guys are the best let's work together soon you don't have to eat big hug I get in the car I drive one minute I almost started crying I'm like what am I doing it's like 9 30 Rockwell I don't drink I don't fuck around one of my best buds is like all right I'll see you later he's in the car with his dame they're probably like this guy's a psycho what's wrong with him yeah you probably came off cunty and with my mind I'm like it's they gotta drive all the way back to Chicago it's only two hours they could if they left at that moment they'd be home at midnight sure and I was like I gotta go and so now I'm just like what the fuck am I doing why am

I not hanging out yeah it's a good lesson for meat if I might change the tables a little change the table tables turn back time whatever you want to do the table I'll turn tables set the table thank you well now I'm gonna change now I set the table maybe you're taking the table cloth off and putting the dessert table off all right I don't know either way I've been in meats position with the headliner where you go I guess this guy doesn't like me right but then sometimes you gotta realize no people are just weird people just do shit it's not always about them hating you right so that's all I was saying no I hate myself and I'm like they don't want to see me so then I leave and I thought about calling be like I'm coming back turn around let's meet up but then

they're already driving yeah the turn around and then I think the way I think they're probably like what a relief we didn't have to hang out with him that was that's good that's what I would think so that's what I'm worried about so then as I'm driving this is dangerous I'm like I gotta go to the movies or something so I look up Fandango the lighthouse is playing at 1015 it's like 952 it's across the street from my hotel 10 minute drive there you go I drive over there I get there five minutes before the movie starts sit there by myself watch the film fine film very enjoyable although I always get intimidated I'm like do I know what's going on right now or not what you always feel stupid I always feel like I'm like do I get this or do I not get it but I don't feel

like you're a smart fatty I feel smart but I I hate myself sometimes I got a lot of self-doubt I'm really working on it interesting anyways I didn't even want to tell all that story I just wanted to say about travel yesterday I fly I go back to the airport I woke up early had breakfast at the hotel drive the airport drop off the car get in the plane I got first class I keep getting upgraded which is beautiful first I had first class and there was nobody next to me empty seat plus first class we landed 35 minutes early I love that the pilot comes on he's like well we've had a historic flight we just flew to LaGuardia airport early I come out and there's a cab just waiting right there I was on it was the most easy perfect beautiful travel I've ever had in

my whole life got a huge check I felt like I did a good job got to see me best day ever today I've been depressed all day for no reason I don't know why interesting well you had some high now you gotta have a low it all evens out yes both sides of the same coin I got some mental problems turn the tables anyways that was a lot longer than I expected I got another story for later all right all right I got some stuff I got a big thing for later so you you you go two turntables and a microphone you're ready for this this is some travel nonsense right here please sorry folks if you hate the travel go kill yourself because this ain't for you we are not promoting suicide no just you wait hold on just stab yourself become a cutter yeah yeah this takes the pills

yeah all right so you know standard weekend Thursday this is how Spokane and Tacoma you done this run yes basically usually a normal weekend for a comedian you leave Thursday you get to Chicago Denver Austin Florida whatever the hell you do a show Thursday to Friday to Saturday come home on Sunday right this is fly to Tacoma on Thursday do a show Thursday do to Friday to Saturday and then Sunday you fly to Spokane 40 minute flight do a gig in Spokane then fly home on Monday oh when I did it I did Thursday Friday Spokane I mean oh no excuse me Tacoma Tacoma then I drove with Derek because we had you know I got a buddy out there and did to Spokane Saturday I didn't do the Sunday business oh that sounds way better yeah Sunday is tough

I should have done that because I just got in folks I'm I'm all wacky so either way you fly out Thursday now Seattle or whatever that is SeaTac SeaTac that's the name of the town which is weird is it you think it's short for Seattle Tacoma yeah but the town is called SeaTac which might be short for Seattle Tacoma also but that is the name of the town I did not know that people live in SeaTac Washington ah how about that cookie all right so it's a six hour cunt it's a bitch of a hall yeah so you go all right I'll get out I got a fucking 8 a.m. flight which means you got to be the airport for so much means you got to leave at 6 which you got to get up at 5 30 ah so I tell the lady she's like hey I got to wake up early tomorrow for some reason for work

for some meeting and I go well wake me up you know before you go go yes so she goes all right great I wake up look over that's a big you know dip in the bed nothing there and maybe a vibrator a spent condom and a you know black ebony magazine and I'm like well that's weird I look at my phone 9 30 what just slept through the hole oh my god did you try to wake she just forgot oh my god I guess it was my because I didn't really press her I was like you got to get me up you fat whore you gotta you know she was just like oh yeah I'll get you over and then she just was zombied out in the morning you know from all the the black dick that she's got out of there then did you have a phone alarm or was she your only alarm she was it she was my mental alarm

I guess I hit the snooze so uh so I was like ah not only is the flight gone the flight's been gone for an hour and changed baby oh my god so I'm like and how you know we don't miss flights often well the one time it's a flight you happen to be there which kills me that was a bummer ah I fucked up so I'm like ah and you had that moment where you just go ah fuck it I'm not going you know you want to just throw your whole tap on in the air and go I'm out I'm gay I'm quitting comedy I'm joining the convent and I'm gonna become a Muslim nun I hear you so you just go all right you kind of got to like get yourself to get like fuck it your piece of shit be a grown up get on it so I just get on the uh I get on the the webs the phone I go I text my manager I text my

agent I text everybody I miss my flight I don't know what to do I'm a child I hate myself I wet the bed as a kid my parents don't like me and they don't write back so I go all right let me look at uh whatever the uh the flight kayak what's nice is you got the three hour advantage that's true the nice thing about Seattle you can leave it like four and still get there in time for the show you think well I'd be pushing it but I'm saying it'd be one o'clock there time six you got it there at seven you have a point that's true it's something so I find a flight at four and it gets in at seven and that but you still got to drive a good 45 to get to tack yeah it's it's a haul the aroma and Tacoma so I go all right I guess I got to do it so now I'm texting the club the the one guy I have

at the club and he's he didn't write back because he's still asleep it's you know 6 a.m. over there right so finally I'm just scanning through I'm scanning through and I just go ah what's this one seat left 1130 okay four hundred dollars oh no that's pretty good for day of oh I think that was like the change fee no no I just sucked it up and bought this new one I say so did you get the money back for the old no no I lost it four hundred stuff yeah so plus hit the other one was four hundred two or three hundred so that's a that's a seven hundo flight right there Fanny seven to eight hundred yeah that's tough so that's a hit but I'll take it because I fucked up and it's on me whatever so I just jump in the uh the uber I go right to the airport get on it

land right now now all the techs are coming in all the email oh shit we're up now we're gonna we're gonna fix it whatever bus so they pick me up get to Tacoma have a great time now let me tell you about Tacoma please if you don't know for the folks at home no one's going to Tacoma it's not a destination yeah I've spent quite a bit of time there it's not great it's not a ton to do it's a what would you even call like a factory town a port city it's a port city it's not important though that's true it's got a weird smell they have a dome there yeah Tacoma dome there's a couple there's a little bit of stank on it some actual stank some stank there's like a paper factory it makes it smell like old puss there's one nice park and I think they have a ballpark now there's

like a minor league team and uh so there's a little bit but yeah it's not great all right so clubs great clubs great great people good eggs so I go I'm gonna do it up in Tacoma and you know some days you're like I want an adventure I'm gonna go to every museum I'm gonna go to every park I'm gonna go every restaurant I'll go every bar and really soak in it sure so I'm asking around what do I do what do I do everybody goes car museum car museum so I got all right I've seen the car museum but I go back I've been to that museum pretty good museum if you like cars there's a ton of moped's in there was exciting so then I go well let me just walk around for a while I get on the light rail that's the key I like you gotta get on that light rail because that's when you

really see and stuff then you're talking to locals you're intermingling the whole thing interracial so then I get off the light rail just at a random place and I see this old barn I go let me go on the barn I go on the barn it's a tea room oh have you heard a tea room there but not in a barn it was downtown yeah yeah yeah I think I went there yeah it was insane it's like a bar I think this is different because this wasn't a barn this way it looks like a barn it's like an old uh train station kind of thing this is different I went to a different place so I get out I'm like well let's see what the hell is a tea room because it's all factories and just warehouses and shit so what's this so I go in there's a guy in a tux playing the piano with a dog and a basket

sitting next to him it's all these old ladies serving tea and pie and all these old ladies gabbing and gooping they're got uh they got boas on and like a flowery hat no kidding the purple hat people yes like barber bushes all day long and they're all just sipping tea and going oh my nephew he can take it up the ass like a champ or whatever the hell they're saying sounds like a doubt fire yes it was a doubt fire euphogeniah here uh it's a run by fruiting so I just go fuck I'm having a piece of pie I sit down I have a piece of pie I get some pie yuck it up with the old cunts and uh these bag of bones we're having a great time like what is this place they're like oh he's an idiot and uh so I leave there get back on the light rail I see an elks elks building elks building it's

called McMinnomins McMinnomins yes three floors is an old elks building okay when an elk was an elk you know they wore the hats they were like shriners I see I'm picturing the elks no no that's what they call themselves I got you like the guy like the uh stand by me what's that now the elks with the pie eating contest oh that's like an elks thing that's what it was and I was in an elks lodge we might have been elks at the same time yeah but this is like a building I got a brick building it's old as shit it's got a cool stairwell so I go in I go what's this all about there like some guy just bought it four years ago he's an eccentric millionaire first it's five floors first floor tiki bar super cool this is guys in there drinking out a big uh

Easter Island heads with a straw you know with a with a umbrella in it yeah and then I go to the second floor Spanish bar there's a guy going do la la la la la la la la maracas the whole thing wow what time of day is this this is like 2 p.m what yeah then I go up to the next floor that's a sports bar with pool tables and sports and pinball then I go up to the next floor and it's uh this beautiful Middle Eastern restaurant and uh just cool chandeliers and I was like what is this place I go to the front it's a hotel wow the back half is all bars the front half's all hotels it's like a grand Budapest it was like the Tacoma that's exactly what it was you gotta go to Tacoma they're trying they are trying they're really trying here here so then I leave I have a nice cocktail I leave there

and then one guy goes you gotta go to Defiance Park go to Owen Beach I go with those Owen Beach get an Uber 15 minute ride it's the second biggest inner city park after Central was that right that's right wow that's what this kooky Uber driver told me it could have just been a wacky Asian guy but he's selling it into his shit bigger than Griffith Park that's what he said wow if Alexa was uh not fucking hitting the sauce all day maybe we could get something out of her but she's dead all right so I go to Griffith Park go to Owen Beach and you know you can see Mount Rainier in the distance it's a perfect blue sky the clear water it's a bunch of just Washington state twats out there you know a lot of like Patagonia and ski hats and big old weird hiking

boots and dogs and throwing a stick at it good time just a bunch of granola eating fags and uh just a great time and went back good shows so here's the clinker clink me up you've been to this club yes everybody always says hey you go out to Tacoma you got to Spokane bring merch yes they always say that we're not merch guys no we're not no we're not merchants so I get there and I go I call my merch guy I just started I got three boxes in there full of shirts I totally blew it all right I'm like Kramer with the beef arena I bought too much so I go there and I show up at the club there's three boxes of merch this it's uh it's like 110 shirts in each so I got 330 shirts what because I overdid I was like well Tacoma I don't want to bring too few you know you want to

get all the money you can so I spent like eight million dollars on shipping right oh my goodness overnight that shit so I was like all right well I gotta push these shirts I mean this is bad news I overdid it so then my feature is Zoltan who I worked with Zoltan yeah Zoltan Cassis yeah he's very funny super funny yeah he's a good he's stronger than I would like yes I'm like all right take it off a little bit murdering it's got a great head of hair he's sexy he's Hungarian very handsome yeah so he's killing but he's selling shirts so now not only do I know not I don't know how to sell I ain't no merchant but he's like he's clean now he's got the credit card thing I'm a Jew and all that this is the same thing happened to me what happened I had him

and then well he was great and then there was another guy at the other place that sold I had like a download card and I didn't know how to explain to people I don't know how it works and he had t-shirts like an owl on it and like there was a line up the door and everyone just bought his and they were like what are you selling like that's my act don't worry about it yeah exactly so it's tough I look like an idiot so I got a t-shirt table a couple people I sold like eight shirts and everybody else just wants a photo right you're like damn I should just start selling photos at this point so he's cleaning up yeah like Roger Clemens or something oh yeah yeah so he's cleaning up on the shirts and now I'm I've got a table of shirts stacked up to who knows

where up to Allah and they're not selling at all and but so I had to pack them all up oh it was embarrassing I gave the guy Brian he's like the the bouncer he was helping me yeah gave him a 20 or two and I said what yeah he took some photos I guess so I gave him some money I said thanks for the help thanks for trying and I had to bring them all the shirts back to the hotel and have the hotel ship them here so they're on their way here oh my god I know I suck well it'll be better next time I think I took a big bath on the old t-shirt oh that's tough well I was in Burlington I told you I found an old box of CDs I've been bringing CDs on the road yeah and I did one night because I love to call it all because I hate selling I can't do it hate it so if the show is

like anything but great I'll be like ah fucking I'm not selling so one night I did one good show like oh they're all good but like I had one show that I was like that's sellable and I plugged them and just stood there I'm like asshole though so I was like you want to fan them out I'm like now I'll just hold them I feel like an idiot so I'm holding them like a foot like I'm palming them and then I tuck them in not one sold it was so embarrassing but you want I think people have done this before you want to just pay someone or two people to get in line and buy one because once people see you buying one someone buying they get in line that's true it's like a homeless person you always need to have some change in that yes oh yeah I never thought about yeah like it it helps

to have a couple if people see someone in line you're like let's get in line right right so that's tough we're not merch guys but we'll figure it out yeah well here's the clinker is I'm gonna just put these Jews on my website you can get them at your own leash because I it's not working out with the the face-to-face yeah face-to-face is tough face-to-face anything sucks that's true especially Jesus we gotta we gotta read an ad oh god oh Christ almighty hey folks this week's episode make sure you support these folks could you please and tell them we set you for the love of God this week's episode is brought to you by Roman and I love Roman I've been I've been using Roman quite a bit oh yeah talking about erectile dysfunction isn't easy usually we just

brush it all right hold on cleaning up folks all right that was bad Shelby's gonna hate us uh Shelby this week's episode is brought to you by Roman folks talking all right come on now it's not helping all right so I'm trying to be supportive now I know what you're trying to do it's so good all right hit it hey folks this week's episode is brought to you by Roman talking about erectile dysfunction isn't easy usually we just brush it off or blame ourselves saying things like I lost my mojo or we avoid it all together with excuses like hey I had a long day at work or sorry honey I'm just not feeling it but with Roman it is easy to talk about it with a real doctor who can prescribe you real medication it's simple safe and totally discreet yes I love

Roman I we all know I've had problems in the past some of you listening have even experienced it ED it's uh it's all about comfort and you got to be comfortable now get the free online evaluation and ongoing care for ED all from the comfort and privacy of your own home the doctor will work with you to find the best treatment plan if medication is appropriate Roman will ship it right to your house with free two-day shipping nice that's very good very good you get that stuff right away the whole process is straightforward simple discreet this is pretty great you got to get on this folks do it so getting started as simple just go to roman.com slash Tuesdays and complete the online visit erectile dysfunction used to be a tough to tackle but now with Roman

it's very easy just go to roman.com slash Tuesdays to get a free visit online and free two-day shipping that's get roman.com slash Tuesdays for a free visit and get started today roman.com slash Tuesdays do it up yes get that boner back we did it I really dig roman they are good good things you know it's when I got that second flight that I had to buy yeah I show up at the airport and we're all waiting in line you know it just gets all bottlenecky with the first class now medallion now delta comfort now this now that you know and then you start everybody's like foaming at the mouth trying to get on that fucking line and this beautiful blonde woman walked up way late and she was like oh what what's happening over are we boarding you know we've

been boarding for 10 minutes and everybody's fighting at each other and she goes well what's going everybody went oh oh go on in go on in man must be nice yes that is truly the ultimate privilege to be a hot lady yep bbw yeah big black woman beautiful blonde oh is that what bbw is yeah I think so oh that's fun because you said beautiful blonde woman I thought bbw I would know it could be an awkward transaction oh you call the prostitute company hey send over bbw yeah and then uh precious shows up yeah I'll be doing that love its face that was in risky business remember that where you called the prostitute and that big afro lady showed up and he was like she was like here call her this is whatever white boy in the

suburb wants good times that would be inappropriate now probably probably maybe that's like what they that would be good now I don't know anything I don't know I don't know Larry from Jake if you know what I mean oh yeah I prefer curly can I get can I tell you about this please episode here I'll try to make it quick because I feel like I went too long with the Milwaukee business but it's the last Wednesday night he scored some sweet tickets care of uh Louis CK I know he's not so popular but he's got he did the garden eight times so he's got the hookup at the garden oh cool so he that's lunch yeah oh super lunch so he's like Bob Seeger is playing at the Madison Square Garden final tour he's 74 years old it's his last tour Madison Square Garden he's like

they give him the VIP treatment do you want the do you want to come along I said hell yeah let's do it we meet up we had a nice day we watched some movies Sarah came by we hung out we take a nice cab up there and now when you're VIP that you know the schedule of the show because like when you buy tickets on your own you're like he'll probably come out at eight maybe come at eight 30 we'll get there at seven 30 because we don't miss anything and uh his assistant's like the opener plays from seven 30 to eight he comes on from 830 to 10 30 so we go great we'll get there at 830 perfect and there's no like scan your ticket shuffle through here boobly boo we walk up they go hello mr ck welcome back yeah so we still got the juice over at the garden you sell the place out eight times

sure wait you don't want to see the opener yeah I'm not interested in the opener could you could blow your way could meet a new guy well he was the he's calling the shots here it's his all right so but don't get me wrong I love it open I mean everyone that ever approached him I became a huge fan of there you go tenacious D uh Ben Harper and the innocent criminals meet who was the other band that's real good that I love I can never remember the name I'm a huge fan chili pepper oh they play uh oh what the fuck's the name of that band I really really love them heartbreakers hold on well I can't look it up I'll come up and give me a hum a few bars well they got a lot of it kind of like a they're rock and roll but they kind of like

a jam bet jim james is the lead singer jimmy james what the fuck's the name of the band angles my morning jacket oh god I wouldn't have ever said that it's amazing it never I think we've talked about this before band of horses is another one I think we've talked about this before in the old days I would buy an album and just read every note and the photos and I knew who produced it in the lyrics and everything you look at the art the jacket cover the whole thing the my morning jacket cover and now you just download you just go to Apple music you just stream the shit yeah and so I the I'm older and the name of the band doesn't stick in my asshole anymore every time so embarrassed I'm like oh this band I love it's something with the

it feels kind of like rock is dead like I should know this band what is their head you got the chain smokers you got bright eyes you got deathcap for queef I don't know who's counting around now they got they don't have a lot of hits and I don't know how hits work I don't listen to FM radio anymore a hit in the old days was the radio I don't know who's listening to radio anymore MTV is something I don't know I know white reaper there tonight Bowie ballroom but any who you know morning jag a morning after pill yeah they're a great great band they've been around forever I mean they're tremendous band I've seen them live like a bunch anyways so we're going to see Seeger and we get there at like 825 it's beautiful they we walk right in welcome Mr. CK

come on in they take us to the VIP section right up to the seats and there's like no one in the two rows in front of us we're like front row side stage very exciting we meet another comic there who's I don't I'll leave him nameless just in case he's very private all right Jerry Seinfeld so he says another comic there he's with his bro we go hey all right he's had a few beers we have a good laugh the band comes out and the band was kicking they really rocked yeah and so many hits so many hits in a row I'm a huge fan I mean like it's amazing how many it's one of those bands it's been around for so long they're like every tune you're like oh yes all right like this hits that he didn't play wow that's a weird moment in your career where you're like there's just big

smash hits that like weren't even touched running on empty nah it's Jackson Brown damn but great show and then what's weird I got emotional at the end like a rock that's him all right terrific there's a great line that song where he says I still believed in my dreams it sounds like one of those like yeah but you think about it's actually quite depressing it's not about being a kid he's like I still believed in my dreams and you're like oh it's so sad yikes but anyways the end of the show he's saying good night he's like goodbye New York goodbye and I really got emotional because I'm like oh this guy's literally saying goodbye to New York City he's 74 he's not coming back to the end of the tour it's the end of the road and you get too old enough he's gonna be dead soon

he's on borrowed time this son of a bitch that's true but he played a great in memoriam all these old rock stars that have died and like he's got like his arms around Tom Petty from like 1978 it was an emotional show great show killer show then now as you may remember I'm on a new diet trying to beat the reflux so not all the carbs silent rigor and I'm eating kind of a like a keto-ish diet to help with the reflux which if anyone's done this give me some words of encouragement because I get so depressed help the man show us the support so I'm cutting out all the breads now I didn't realize a big side effect of that is constipation because I cut out all the oatmeal all the whole wheat bagels all the fruit so it's the game seven of the world series I go I gotta run home I

run home to watch the end of the game the last two innings I'm like I got a shit I get on the toilet this is gonna be graphic please and I've never had anything like this I'm trying to shit and I'm like I can't get anything out and I was like sweating I ended up taking my shirt and pants off I got no pants no shirt I'm buck naked on the thing I got the TV volume at like 80 trying to hear the game so wait a minute wait you have the feeling of I need to shit but it's coming out I got a shit and not like a horrible after shit but I got a shit and I'm like I sit down to shit now nobody told me about this keto constipation bullshit oh no I thought you just whatever so I'm like huh and I'm trying to get the shit out and by the way I haven't shit since so I'm like I get like a pebble out

and another pebble and but I feel that like gurgling in there oh I'm dying I'm in trouble I'm like I think I got enough out I go down I sit down I watch like two pitches it's back I have to run back in there I'm like I was like kicking shit it was horrible what then I kind of busted up but I get one little log out followed by a second little log you got a third little log semi colon I got exactly I got a nice you got an ellipsis it's all yes exactly it was an ellipsis into a semi colon and then I'm like all right I got something out at least I'm like that was crazy I'm texting Sarah and like three doctors I'm like I don't know what's going on here I'm sitting on my couch watching the game naked with the sweats and then it hits me again it's like

what did you eat well I've a ton because I haven't shit in a couple days but a lot of green I'm just a pair of greens and meat lean meat and eggs I had like eight eggs that day which I think that'll do it eggs cheese all kinds of spinach lettuce I don't know some boy gum so I go back in there I go back in there now this time I'm like oh god this isn't good and all of a sudden those logs had been blocking everything it goes bush my asshole opens the size of a fucking like a flood gate of shit like like uh sludge oh green sludge like a mud pile oh never seen this consistency in my life it wasn't diarrhea and it wasn't a log it was like soft sir thick slush so much like a stew it was up it was like close to my balls I've had that where it's a mound it was a

mound of sludge with almonds so I look at that I'm like whoo I flushed that down and now the whole house is sticking like fucking eggs and cheese and shit so then I go back watch the picture too then I want come back I go back and now it's diarrhea it's just green water just diarrhea I finally finish it up I put some clothes back on I cool down I'm like this diet's for the birds yeah yeah Sarah comes home 90 minutes later hour and a half later she walks in she goes what the fuck and I go oh is it bad she's like I've never what is this I want a divorce she filed papers but getting divorced on Wednesday man she's like that's crazy we got to like 10 candles and burn the house down collect the insurance that's quite a turd I mean it was what I was like I think

something happened like something kicked loose and what I think maybe I think I might have shit out all the bread from like the past 20 years come on you did a colonic I think it was something like that and then the next morning I woke up I was still feeling queasy I shit this blood no yeah I miscarried because there was green diarrhea and a little bit of blood so now freaking out because the reflux is feeling better I got shit coming on my ass I call Dr. Steve he's like you blew a gasket my friend what he's like it might be a hemorrhoid or something I don't know what happened hemorrhoid that ain't it well I thought it was a hemorrhoid because that's what blood in the toilet usually is but I don't feel anything I stuck my hand

all the way up there yeah I don't feel anything I felt my colon and my you know semi-hard dick but sure sure I'm kind of life but so I was like now I'm freaking out for the whole day I didn't shit again till the next day and I was so paranoid I was just gonna shit blood everywhere oh my god if it happens again you gotta go to the doctor he's like I wouldn't worry about it whatever so I'm like okay so I'm freaking out need a pad with wings I shit the next day green cone back to kind of a regular not much a floaty green cone with no blood so I'm relieved that there's no blood that was a Friday shit and I haven't shit since and he's like you should take some mirror lax because that's the thing with the low carb is you have some trouble shitting on the keto

Sarah never shit she's shitting like on Christmas and Easter that's it right light shitter Jesus has to be involved for her to shit I see religious shitting so I took some mirror lax last night I'm still waiting for it to happen nothing's happened because I'm eating nothing but lean meats and greens but no oatmeal no whole wheat shit you know what you need to push that out he is a little caffeine well I'm drinking green tea but it's low caffeine we'll see I'm not gonna pay because I it's not abnormal to shit three times a week right but I'm used to shitting a huge lot I tell you talk about it you're a shit guy I've had crazy reflux but I always have a big double tapered baby leg every day sure so I got a new thing but I don't feel I don't think I have to

shit but hopefully it'll be a smoothie next time but I don't know what went on but it was a wild scene wow it's like dumb and dumber I forgot this one thing earlier this is hilarious it's a quickie I went to rent a car in Milwaukee and they tell you to take a look around but they don't have an agent there sometimes there's an agent with you sometimes it's just usually look around before you drive off so it's just me I walk up to my car and the license plate is bent last third the license plate bent forward so I just used my foot to push it back to push up against the car yeah to fix it and then I look up somebody's behind the wheel oh I'm at the wrong car my car is one car down it's an old couple like in there like 50s probably they just sat down

in the car to be like all right here we go Terrence and they look up and I'm just kicking the car and I was like oh shit sorry I thought that was wrong car did I give you a toot they just kind of like what they looked horrified they're like what the fuck is it they must have thought maybe I worked there or I was a psycho kind of rob them yeah I thought about being like get out of the car yeah fuck because I was just moving their car on my foot that's just a nice little quickie but but anyways I'm trying to eat better I'm trying to beat this reflux I don't know what to do you can do it fatty Dr. Steve said to go lean meats and greens and cut out the carbs yes I read two other honoracles I'm reading some book so if you've had experience with this I'm trying for

god's sake I gotta beat this because it's it's tearing my fucking marriage and asshole apart right you're shitting blood and miscarrying so I'm trying but anyways that's it for me you got something else you want to add here should we just start rapping uh geez I just want to yeah I guess we'll start rapping so a hippity hop uh I wish I could even think of a rap uh my name is Mark and I'm here to say that was asshole's bleeding and I'm fully gay what that was huge in the late 80s early 90s huge yo my name is doodoo but I know it's so basic back then they had no uh they didn't know where to go with it you know now it's like I killed my aunt I fucked a bitch I slapped a hoe but back then it was pretty it was almost a nursery rhymey yeah it was fun

yeah rap was fun well I want to just reiterate Sunday and Monday this is a big next week's big apartment show ps 109 samarill maybe mark maybe waiting on a sunday tampending uh so big crazy fun show it's such a cool place it's an old apartment building up the buildings kooky and old it's from 1888 it's like haunted we're in the basement it feels like a comedy club it's super cool super cool spine you can bring by ob is it no no we got beer they buy the beer but it's 10 bucks it's $10 and you get a free beer if you buy in advance by the way so the show really is like five bucks if you think about it best deal in town so come to that and then Monday live up yeah the ground when we got some great guests Tom to car Sean Donnelly was a guest in the first episode

ever wow look at that full circle turning the tables and uh that's going to be fun so make sure you get your tickets to that come to both that's going to be fun and I got some crazy crazy month here I got yeah all but he funny bone this weekend there you go the more the merrier because that's a tough spot up there big room big room Des Moines funny bones same deal I don't imagine there's a lot of games but imagine this some nowadays gays in the in the DM all right beautiful color I got a Des Moines shirt that a guy gave me I always forget everyone's names but I wear that shirt all the time hell yeah Des Moines hell yeah I love it uh and then DC draft house everyone know we talked about it before that's my favorite weekend of all the

clubs really yeah well all all told oh the no plane fucking no drinking at the club really yeah no drunk good room it fills up easy Sean Joyce is a cute kid love Sean one of the best uh cities I love that city so much congrats on the championship uh November 22nd 23rd I'll be there and then November 29th and 30th laugh Boston that's a big one it's my hometown I want to sell some tickets I know it's Thanksgiving weekend everyone's home I hope yes Sunday December 1st Portland Maine I haven't worked Portland wow fucking 10 years empire comedy club that's a Sunday night fuck work the next day come to that show and then the weekend after that is a hilarities in Cleveland December 5th through the 7th love the cleave and then Lafayette in Houston December

20th and 21st so I'm pumped about all these shows it'd be great to see you spread the word buy some tickets for god's sakes and join the patreon don't forget a little santa anna action out there oh yeah the hell of a casino around albuquerque the Tuesdays festival I'm calling it fly in book a hotel I heard that venue is insane I heard as well I can't wait Nikki was saying the hotel is amazing the room's amazing so come out get yourself a room we'll gamble we'll play roulette we're doing a live pod and we're go headlining that's going to be insane I had a couple people message me what day is the pod what day is the act what day is the stand are we doing everything the same day or how's that gonna work I have no idea zero idea but we gotta figure that out because

some people are like I don't want to miss the act but I also want to see the stand the pod you know yeah you end up kind of biting into your own audience we're making people buy two tickets oh yeah that's tough well wasn't our idea sorry what do you like more the jokes or the riffing yeah that's tough maybe we should do both each night do half hour each I'm fine with that the less work I guess it's more well I'll say a half hour of our act right and then we do a pod and then the next night do this I don't know I don't know I guess we should contact somebody about this yeah you call call our agents we don't want to do it yeah we'll figure it out all right so I'm all over the road as well uh first off I want to say thanks all the Tuesdays that came out who did buy shirts

and a couple Ubers a couple Chipotle's a bunch of gifts in Austin and see that little moped guy a guy made me a moped in Minneapolis out of just some metal shit you put it together it's a spark plug with two bearings and a couple allen wrenches it's like a few silly Jerry it is very similar it's a food silly moped all right so I'm all over the road well this weekend roar all you bean town kooks you always hit me up when you come to Boston well this is it come drive to Springfield rooster tea feathers I'll bring four shirts out there but I'm not bringing any more than that dequeves because I'm gonna end up shipping the whole box uh roar uh oh I'm doing a uh secret show in New Jersey at a hotel we'll figure that out fun then I'm doing uh Philly Cave Comedy

it's a temple at Temple University two shows sold out at seats like 10 people in the room so we're gonna try to add a third show so get tickets google that give that a goog cave comedy Philadelphia uh Santa Ana blue room Missouri that's fun can't wait Springfield Portland Helium and then some new stuff punchline San Francisco in the first weekend of Jan love that city love that club side spoilers in Tampa you know about that one La Jolla comedy store and Gotham I'm doing Gotham the big the big coveted New York City headline weekend god Gotham is great that's a great weekend that'll be fun that's Valentine's yeah make sure oh that's a big weekend for comedy is it I think so people go on dates you gotta have a date yes come to New York fly to New York yeah come up from

Jersey Long Island west chest uh Philly whatever you got I just think about uh Brandy Carlisle Pearlji I'm flying all I go to Nashville I go to Montreal I get a hotel or stay with a buddy it's fun to travel to go see people yes come see us come see all right then we're doing uh maybe Vegas uh I hope we're doing moon tower I'm doing Atlanta moon tower oh and then what's the other what skanks skanks both fest in Houston and uh Philadelphia for a late way down in Helium oh St. Louis Helium as well so yeah come on out say hello buy a shirt go gay subscribe to the YouTube YouTube loves you we love you we're putting out extra clips we're putting out a full things on the patreon which will eventually go on to the regular so yeah praise I'll uh kill your

father queef it up cut yourself and uh blow your hand bye thank you