Tuesdays with Stories! - #323 Growin' & Showin'

Episode Date: November 12, 2019

It's a smokin' hot Tuesdays as Mark goes gambling in Springfield, Mass before getting his balls busted in Boston while Joe see's White Reaper with Ari Shaffir and farts it up with Norm Macdonald. Check it out! Sponsored by: Native Deodorant (nativedeodorant.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy sorry I panicked sit on attack yes you ever sit on attack I don't believe I have I put one of my shoe once no kidding would you do that for well

somebody put one in my shoe I should say I caught my uncle doing that oh yeah yeah and fortunately I caught I tried to do a bit about it and the crowd was like what little tacky horrible hey I like that you pinned it you don't hear tacky anymore I hear it a little bit someone just said tacky the other day and I forget why all right well I think the older generation still says tacky who said tacky I want to think of it it might be something private or personal I've gotten that from saying something inappropriate like to a woman they go that's tacky yes yes if you ask someone their shoe size or if you ask like a cop if he's ever shot someone

that's tacky yeah ask a woman her age yes well what do you think it's going on where do you stand on this this age gap with the men and the women dating what do you mean too big too little my wife is older than me she's an old cut for some reason that's allowed like no one cares about that you know but when when a here's my my beef here they're sloppy jalopy show me your beef curtains so if a guy Dennis Quaid is dating some of the girls like 30 years younger than him or they're married or something and I was like that's so gross he's a pig but then Keanu is dating an ugly lady with gray hair and all the women are like he's such a

good man wait I think that's just a plot of that movie no no no it's real he really is yeah yeah he's dating like a you know like an art teacher looking is that right because in that movie pretending to not know the name something's got to give he's interested in Diane Keaton which is ridiculous oh is he he's a doctor and he's like sexy surfer doctor and he wants to fuck Diane Keaton over the other chick with the huge tits wow it's a truth is art or truth to power art imitating life thank you life imitating art yes first who's that chick with the breasts in that movie with the she's hot she was in the whole ten yards of the

whole nine yards Aniston no Amanda Pete Amanda Pete oh so she's a looker in the film he meets a man to Pete and he meets Diane Keaton who I'm into also but from the 70s sure he's all like I got a bang Keaton yeah which is the beginning not the beginning but right in the the early stages of this like wokeness in the movies of like Keanu why wouldn't Keanu want to fuck Diane Keaton over Amanda Pete yes yeah I like give me a Pete but it sounds like he's fucking he's fucking a Keaton in real life he is she's worse than Keaton he looks like the the pigeon lady at home alone or something but and you know to each his anal you can you can

love whoever you want and bang whoever you want you know until she turns 18 but my point is the gals I think a lot of them on Twitter this is where I'm getting all this they all go like oh he's a good guy I'm like what can't he be in love with a woman who's also hot and young right but just because she's young you hate her but she could still be a great person it depends on the young I think 50 and 30 is okay but 30 and 10 is I get borderline 30 and 10 is tough that's Fogle Arkely area right it's always it is that weird thing where you it's hard not to do it when you see a 60 year old person dating a 40 year old person to not be

like when you were 21 you were a fetus that's weird I guess that's what it is but once you're adult you're adult 60 40 is not bad yeah but you're saying that it's gender related of course but I feel like men are tend to be attracted to younger women and a lot of women are attracted older men yes certainly to lock in it's it's natural and it's a cruel fact of life in most cases not all so don't send me some photo of whatever men tend to get more attractive as they age the jaw squares up a little bit they get a couple of wrinkles which is sexy pep a little salt is nice and they they get a little more like upright a little

distinguished maybe a little cashiery and a little silver fox yeah and women become disgusting and useless yeah yeah that's a problem and it's just a way of life as I always say biology biology is the biggest misogynist oh that's nice that's a that's a fucking pin or a bumper sticker or a tattoo I got a few no but women's march but a lot of women obviously I mean I'm joking my wife is older than me and she's hotter now than she was 10 years ago she's got a keto thing she's going to the gym and much hotter than you by the way oh yeah out of my league certainly I got some money I do okay you got a good height herpes yeah decent hog

overbite crooked teeth big forehead a lot of anxiety OCD it's not good decent you got some chest hair you got a patch I got a chest hair I got a pretty nice bod these days I've changed my diet I'm working out so I got that going which is a nice bonus when you marry someone and then they get a better body yes that's rare we both got going on right now you don't see that that definitely didn't happen with a Oprah no and she married nah I guess she won't do it I think she's a dyke oh is that I think she's a lesbian ah well that's my theory Oprah is a person who's like the most famous biggest person but I've never really seen

anything she's ever done well she had a quite a popular television series I think she still does why that's gotta be done did you know this do you know Judge Judy gets bigger way bigger ratings than Oprah and Ellen I believe it 100% isn't that crazy she's the richest woman on the planet or at least America wow yeah yeah she's huge little Jewish girl from Brooke yeah much bigger than those people I like Judge Judy she seems like a cool cat hmm she was on real time this week wasn't great that's not good but yeah look I think there is a double standard there but part of it I think is like all these years of films where like Robert

Redford is dating you know whatever there's a history but it makes it worse sometimes I think we might have talked about this nine years ago sometimes they bring it up and they're like that like they use a lost in translation as an example I'm like but that's the plot of the movie right is that like it's like a young woman who's newly married talking to this old grizzled veteran who's like wants to get a divorce yes that's the plots it's weird to be like here's another movie where like the hot woman is with this old guy and you're like well it doesn't you can't just pull that out if that's the what the movie's about yeah

yeah exactly well we do this thing where it's a it's a weird kind of prejudice where you go oh she's a she's an ugly lady so he must actually love her but just because you're ugly you can still be a retard there's plenty ugly tards out there you know like my aunt yes but just because a woman is ugly we go oh well she must be wise and fascinating and interesting now she could have a busted up cooter and an old nip well there's some ugly wise men also I mean I have some wisdom I would say and but there's a there's wise hot man as well saying it's a catch 91 or whatever you call it because just because they see a

guy with a hot lady they go oh here's some dumb dits here's here's a big one and this would never no one ever agrees with me so stick it in my ass buckle up there asshole whenever they go these underwear for real women yeah you see that commercial and it's a bunch of fat chicks like that in a in a bedroom like shuck it and jiving okay and then it's all fatties so you're like well so a thin woman can't be a real woman that's exclusivity or whatever yeah that's that's that's a that's a skinny prejudice it's a prejudice but because they're thin we go ah they're all right we got a couple of grossies here we gotta let

them have it for a minute well times are changing and you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater and abortion years ago I'm just saying it's it's if it's the thing that you hate why are you doing it now you know hate something don't you do it too that's a lyric from Pearl Jam so all right yeah I'm with it that's what I'm saying um Pearl Jam but yeah I guess I guess I guess there's some double standards out there with the age situation right but I think yeah people people react what I worked with a guy this week and his wife was older and he'd say I'm dating a married to a cougar she's 10 years old in the crowd

like yes so they like and then I think women when they come on they go I got a younger man who like yeah yeah yeah yeah but I do think of a man came on stage was like I'm dating a way younger woman people be like yeah that's and and you got to listen to those those groans because that's the way things are well I think sometimes a little bit sour grapes because there's ageism exists and then you start to feel useless I mean I said that earlier but you know I think that there's a this stigma stigma of like once a lady gets older she sucks I think they're trying to change that or change the narratives a big word these

days but my point is if the crowd's gonna groan and piss and moan that means it's just that's just it is what it is you know when you call when you're on stage you go let's say I was on stage I go look at that fat lady in the crowd everybody goes Jesus Christ yeah look at that fat guy it gets a laugh so there's just things that are you know and we could we could try to change them all day but if that crowd is groaning at this and groaning at that that's just kind of how it is I'd just say this I think the genders out with fat I think you were like look at this fat guy fats out they'd be like boo-hoo unless he was

being an asshole perceived as a bad guy like we've talked about Chris Christie who's perceived as a bad person I'm not a fan myself but they could be like he's a fat fuck look at how fat and stupid he is Trump is fat right exactly jokes are fine if you're on the other team right but it's also weird very strange is it fat is it fat chambers and not fat shame well that's all everything now is that who's on what team it's all about camps it's all the campy teams concentration but no one fat there no very thin and the camera adds 10 pounds and they still look then by the way have you watched the devil next door

I'm having their two spoils no spoils hey to spoil but boy that is a hell of a picture they put together there I've been the terrible and it's one of those films where some guy wrote that he hates when I say films I'm really up in the films film it up yeah so this is one of those films where it happened in the 80s and it's a big story but I don't know the story that well so I'm on the edge of my asshole over here yeah yeah I'm right on the rim of that I mean so it's very exciting check out the devil next door and don't don't tweet any spoilers I'm right in the middle of this mother fucker I want to know if the Jews get out yeah

how about the guy though the one Jew are you at the part with the Jew guy still he's like let me look at his eyes and he walks over they try to shake his hand that's right where I am and then he's like fucking this is him it's for sure him like pull up a letter like didn't you say you killed him yeah never mind I didn't kill him I mean it's like unbelievable don't you love someone just getting caught dead in the fucking bullshit oh yeah what do you think you think he did it I just said by the way no spoilers and I spoiled it for everybody I was like sorry everybody want to spoil that spoil there's a double standard

haha I can spoil but you can't spoil a spoil spoiled milk not gonna cry over it now that's spilled the fuck hey it's all wet over here do you know that no yeah I got here and it's all I reeled the lady over there earlier might be a really yeah might be some vaginal secretions no it's not that damn it your asshole sweating maybe it's just cold because sometimes cold feels like wet that we're cold could be feeling wet yes what's the science on cold feeling wet and wet feeling cold because wet is cold but not in a pussy well that's a different wet there's more than one wet yeah that's hot wet there's warm that's that's not even water though

I mean it's wet but it ain't water why we didn't say what we're saying wet that's saying hot wet and cold wet because you're saying wet is cold I'm saying some wet is hot I think wet conduces heat or it conduces cold but not if it's hot well then it would steam I guess how come pussies don't steam and the winner they do if I put a shirt up to a quave it would derinkle I bet it would because you get a little bit missed to you don't when you push that button on the iron goes but so that's interesting so if a woman went into like an ice chamber yes and then just opened up her puss would it steam be pouring out steam

we used to skateboard at all night it would be hot and sweaty and then when it would cold out your head would yeah we'd have that cross country would go and run fucking nine miles and come back it would just be a big cloud over it's like you know minus like the Midas Auschwitz mm I've been there mm done that got the t-shirt been there done that was big yeah I just heard oh on real time Rahm Emanuel said it in reverse he said done that been there whoa this guy's trying to like that mix it up a little bit like a mix up he's missing a finger like Jerry Garcia a piece of a finger maybe he's dyslexic I don't think

that knocks your fingers off does it know I'm saying with the backwards wording haha see haha a finger yeah that's a problem yeah I'm missing a did maybe caught it in a in a wet steamy veg what's going on with digits why they call digits is that medical or is that slang or what's going on there I think anything numbered is digits no that can't be it because the dick is number one it's one did you but that's what that's not numbers ah you have multiple dicks yes so if I had two dicks that I've digit dick yeah did you dick which is a great punk man gotta check out digit dick at the forum

xlf yeah which is axel foley and not punk but it's not a digit you went punk but just sounds more like a digital but you know I'm picking strawberries or whatever hey where's the few silly Jerry right behind oh it's here yeah look at courtesy of Tony Dayo past guest that's right I hate that I'm blocking it though well you could swap him with Jerry Jerry if you want like Jerry Jerry all right you silly Jerry wow that's fun I got Kramer over there I hid Kramer just in case somebody got a little n-wordy oh I see I don't want to think I'm the cheerleader oh my goodness wait digits sorry we were getting somewhere well digits anything

multiples digits you think that's right I'm in your ear digits yeah maybe it's gotta be 10 teeth or nine because phone numbers are digits let me get those digits yeah but a digit is just numbers so maybe it's a double meaning or not a double meaning but it has more than one meaning yeah yeah yeah that's funny because double meaning doesn't mean more than one meaning I guess it does yeah double two meanings double meaning the same thing well I say double meaning you know it's like yeah I guess that makes sense train ran a train and I trained her double trouble train double impact horrible movie yeah not good oh is there

any good movie with double in it double jeopardy well that was a Tommy Lee Jones right decent it was a popcorn thriller but yeah we were talking about 90s you said been there done that remember no doikey no I remember no doubt Gwen Stefani no doikey was somehow no duh remember duh yeah that was big but not somehow no duh ran over into no doikey we didn't have no doikey we had no doikies we had doilies on cupcakes and stuff well it's also like how prank called somehow became crank yeah what was crank yeah we didn't have crank it's a prank why are we going over to crank we also didn't say curse or cuss it was swear

words you swear I hate cuss cuss is like that's a euphemism of a euphemism oh is that right yeah what curse is what it is but now you cuz curse is shit so you're saying curse to cover up the shit but now you can't even say curse you say cuss how soft we have to make this your queefs customado ah custom made customized wheels mmm that's pretty much the same thing yeah I just rewatched Sopranos didn't watch it I know you hate it but boy it's some quality television I don't hate it now I'm gonna get 55 tweets calling me a big fucking balloon head didn't I didn't watch it whatever all right should we get

into some business here cuz I got a little business a little business let's do it fatty well first of all I gotta say I went to see white reaper as advertised and had a nice double date Sarah and I with Ari and whatever his girlfriend's name is John no I think Christine or Kristen cool cat now fuck what's her name Kristen I think no one's gonna know if you get it wrong so I would just own it she might listen I'll feel like an asshole customado I don't know Kristen I think Kristen Kristen that doesn't matter what's in a name really we've talked about this before so you don't know

but I know her I know what she looks like I know her personality we had a great time we had some laughs yeah what difference does it make if I know the syllable that's accompanied with her face and being well because it's all part of her identity what if somebody liked your act and they got they try to Google you and they don't have your name well it's different how could you find the name out I'm saying it would be hurtful if to me it'd be hurtful if he was like how about that double date and I'm like double date and he's like remember we went out with my girlfriend I'm like your girlfriend was there I don't remember

a girlfriend being there I remember her I just don't remember the blue little sound that's interesting that comes with it yeah I'm like she said this she said that we dance we had a great time I mean we had a great time right but we went to some same way about signatures signatures yeah well you some guy drops off a TV your house because you got a sign for this and you go and you scribble and jizz on a piece of paper and it's just uneligible and he goes all right this is a gospel this is you're all free you're good to go like anybody could have written that you don't even know who I am you never checked any ID

and it's not even my even if I put my name that would be more but I just went yeah just diarrhea on a line I felt that way similarly with autographs same boat where you're like I got Ken Griffey Jr.'s autograph but to me I'm like well tell me about meeting him that's amazing you're up close with Ken Griffey Jr. because I bought I remember buying it at service merchandise in Avon Massachusetts they had like they sold autographed baseballs and I bought like a kangaroo I sold all my money and I got a Ken Griffey Jr. and I just sat there but I just bought it at a store and it's like a pen so I'm like I guess it's cool he

held this at one point right but it's like you don't need an autograph it's like Bob Dylan in no no direction home he's like you don't need my autograph if you needed it I'd give it to you you could just have a story and I think Bill Russell never signed autographs he would just say hello he's like how about that you got a story you met me cream Abdul as well but the thing is you can't show someone a story I think that's what it comes down to the autograph is a quick way to go we were in the same moment it's like social media before social media evidence yes it didn't happen it's no selfie there's no photo it didn't happen

type of thing yeah no pics or it didn't happen or whatever the hell is pics or didn't happen but anyways we had a great time we had a double date we went to some Vietnamese restaurant now I'm just now getting to feel a little better without the carbs and such so I ate a nice piece of salmon and a fish at the cellar beforehand I pre-8 before the big thing pre-8 which I just don't want anyone to make a big deal of it I'm like I'll sit there I'll hang I'll get a tea don't worry about it I don't want to eat the Vietnamese you guys have what you want I'll just I'm full hate the big deal so I tend to Ari he's like I totally get it

but and then Sarah of course is used to dealing with my shit but the unnamed gal and now I wasn't bothered by but she's like you already ate what you I'm like Ari why didn't you brief her give her a brief now I feel bad I'm like it's a whole thing and then brief and then I'm like boxers she's like well what's going on come you don't eat them like I can't talk about reflux anymore I want to hang I want I don't want to be that guy that's like ruining the hang you need a car like in the Joker you know he's like I have a condition you gotta have one of you go you fat whore take the car it's kind of like checking it it's got like

TSA and check it in the hotels you want a hat that says like every single week I fly and I check in yeah anything in your pockets anything that but I'm here every day it's like I voted but I'm here every week exactly the hotel like we have breakfast some six I'll find the pool I don't care about breakfast I know where the pool is the key cut it's fucking just give me the room key and then I'll leave I don't take my phone number don't tell me I don't need a map because it's fucking it's not 1942 you fucking goofball I got a phone you twat get out of here a map anyways I'm like I got real sailing the whole thing and then I

hated this Vietnamese restaurants on the Lower East by your old neck of the way right across the street mirror old pad I love low and there was one of these things with like it's a three minutes your table we ready we wait 25 minutes I want to get into the show because it's it's a it's a rock and roll show so it's general admission we're gonna meet Matt Wayne his wife and her name Christina another Christine Christian curse that's why I think it was similar uh-huh maybe it's Kelly I feel really bad about not know the girl though which one I I assume Ari's gonna be dating a real laid-back bro she's the coolest

super cool very much like him she's like did all her homework she knows everything about every restaurant what time the show starts they like to live there's a couple people that are out there living they're living baby doing things we had a great double date we hit it off we love the girlfriend Ari's okay you know Sarah and her got along great Jews good meal it was like a 40 minute delay so I was annoyed but eventually it all worked out we go over to the Bowery ballroom we walk in right away this Tuesdays about I love it I feel like a celebrity but one guy was like hey Joe list big Tuesday and I go hey look it's

Ari she fear goes he came like a 10 times that thing and I was like ah geez that's hurtful damn it but I walk in there and then I see a big guy go hey not a big guy a regular guy go hey it's Joe listen I go hey what's up man it's Matt Wayne right past guest Matt Wayne love that guy one of the funniest guys in the plan I give him a big hug I blow him oh yeah and his wife is there a couple other people and we had a great time we all got now it's a triple date yeah you got that right nice triple date we get center center stage we're in the back a little bit cuz we don't want to mosh we're in our 50s for God's sakes

sure you'll break something piles in every few minutes though someone would come over I got a nice uber gift card somebody bought me a t-shirt a guy came over the white what size you I'm like I'm a large he said let me blow you and here's the shirt he buys a merch beautiful shirt got me some white Reaper merch I wore it last night slept in it and beautiful so thank you for the gifts to the white Reaper fans all the whole show people kept coming up and be like Tuesdays oh man I love it baby praise Allah quite a thrill we watch this band called the nude party they were very good Ari and his later on we they're

tripping their balls off they loved it had a great time white Reaper ripped it go see this band get the new album it's great oh yeah new albums done as good as yellow ones but still fun great live band and it wasn't as loud as last time I feel old and great show great night great triple date and ever hitting the the ball I mean that sounds like they're moving up in the anal they're moving up and it was sold out so it was really just been there two weeks earlier for the Soder show and so it was a trip down memory cunt and just a great time all right all right that's a fun night fun night not a great story but whatever

I'll kill myself you're living you're living it up in the NYC and doing things yeah we're trying to do things thank you Tuesday also I hear you're doing a Broadway show are you going to one yeah Wednesday night I'm going to see the great society and this is a tough move how about this so I email Brian Cox is on you know Brian Cox the actor terrific actor Jane Wyman so I I like LBJ I love American history I like Brian Cox so I email my agent I haven't asked for tickets in a long time I go by and she gets you got any tickets and I always feel weird asking so I throw this out there I'm going either way so I just

thought I'm gonna buy tickets even if you can't that's a good move which is a lie but you know throw it out there and then he goes hey we couldn't get free tickets best we could do is get your killer seats but you gotta pay for them they're 380 bucks I'm like oh Jesus Christ it's expensive he's a star it's Broadway I'd rather nosebleed for two hundo yeah maybe you're right but Sarah was busy which is nice because now I got to find a date that has the money to give me money great point and so I went straight to Ryan Hamilton who's a guy that loves makes money likes the theater and he's goes I'm in what's it costs I

told him the price he goes that money's nothing to me so I got a nice hot date with Ryan Hamilton Wednesday night I love it go see the great society with Brian Cox LBJ Texas farts great I could use an LBJ I'll tell you that let's blowjob well let me tell you speaking of Tuesdays I went down the Springfield mass up sorry up you're right I had a good comedy week first of all one Martin Amini reached out to me I don't know if you know this cat Martin Amini good kid just kind of lives in LA or DC or whatever he's a real go-getter he puts on shows of the store and the improv and DC so he hit me up he goes you

want a headline at the DC improv which I've never done you know you always hear about this room and it's magical I've never done the room I featured there once in the 80s never got a feel for it I was drunk the whole time but I was like yeah you damn right I want to do he's like Wednesday come on down DC it'll be well I always pack it out it always sells out I'm like great so I start promoting we're starting with Chris Allen's on Umar is on we have a great time I take the train down it's a nice three-hour ride I get there bring a bunch of shirts gotta get rid of those shirts that boy that merch service

merchandise Ken Griffey jr. so I show up and I've been promoting because I want to eat beef packs with his people what I want to pack with ours sure double pack great movie good Van Dam flick so we get it about half and half so now are you hitting that green room they treat you like royalty when a show is sold out I always say they really give you the good yeah it's all money makes the world go round as they say yes here here round I they're there that's what the Asians call us that's what I heard yeah we made that up just to make ourselves better but all our Asian jokes maybe cuz I've never heard them go round I yeah no but

I've never I don't talk to Asians so that's true and I don't know what they're saying maybe the same round are in Cantonese Jason Cantonese no one's gonna get that one no he's referenced all the time all right no canner canner he has 109 they got that right sold out rich opens yeah don't look in there how is a couple bodies and three beaver carcasses oh well so go down to DC just a great time and here's the clinker though we're already at the clicker well this guy hit me up and he goes I'm a huge Tuesday I can't make to the show but do you want to come to a tour of the White House what

and he's like come on he's like I'll give you the goods baby I'll give you like oval office I'll give you the secret passageways you know this guy writes previous who is this he's I don't know he works at the other White House he's the guy Mulvaney he's in the he's in the cabinet oh my god yeah what a bad person I know horrible but he's like Trump's never here you can come in and take a shit on the desk and I was like oh my god I gotta do it but holy shit I was like I'll come in early he's like I can't do during the day because that's I'll do it out I can do it after hours what the fuck like all right let me think about

this the thing about DC is it's four hours the show is gonna end at 10 you gotta get back I got shows and bean town the next day right right so I didn't pack anything I just brought a bunch of shirts so I go like I don't think I can do it this is insane what are you Lewinsky you're going after hours to the I know right I mean mr. president whatever so I had to bail I had to bail oh my god I'm selling t-shirt I bring up such a cunt with this merchant does I grab a big water shirts I throw in a bag I jump on the Amtrak I get there all Excel oh boy you're gonna save those for the Midwest exactly yes so I fucked that

up so I get there and I get all these people I want to buy a shirt all these Tuesdays we had some black fans we had some lady fan we're broadening out baby chocolate setay exactly so we're cooking and everybody's like alright a couple people like I'll buy one you loser here you go I'm never gonna wear this I'm gonna use it as a sale or a parachute clean a clean a van so sold a couple shirts jump back on a bus remember the mega I haven't taken a bus in a long time and I think I'm about to go back to bus yeah soon what city Boston or DC maybe DC a couple weeks I'm thinking about jumping back in the bus train because like Lee

movie you know times are hard on the Boulevard yeah back on the bus Rosa parks so not only is it a mega bus but it's a mega bus for $11 at midnight on a Wednesday DC to New York so I'm on there with a couple characters oh sure and and you just like oh I forgot about this and the ride down is three hours on the AMI on the way back it's five and a half hmm get back it's a lot of it's a lot of playing playing playing you know cell phone lot one guy going bitch I don't ever come out there you owe me that money I'll quit and kill you you fat ho you're like oh man it's it's like you're in a bad apartment complex but on a

bus wow you know you can hear everybody's everybody's conversation everybody's phone everybody's music everybody's movie and it's like god damn the bus I forgot about the bus we did it for years haven't done a while and you're like here it is folks I hated the bus and I started making some money I was like I'm done with the bus yeah and even worse than that is that going back to the bus but if you go to the patreon you might be able to save me please help us we got to get off that bus bus boy so I get off you get back to New York at like 4 30 in the morning you haul I took a cab it was like a $20 cab I could have just

taken the train I was like I gotta get home I can't do it the trip the cab from the bus to my house was more than the bus first five and a half hours busing riots yes sorry I didn't have I lost the space to put it in there I kept going I just waited for it I don't have anything wrong with that I did it with no doiky so I don't know what that is yeah I got home pass out wake up boom meet Ian Lara we go right back to Boston I go right back up in his car now you're on like no sleep I just spent four hours on a train five on a bus now I'm driving five to Springfield mass with Ian Lara oh geez but boy we really

hit it Ian Lara doing the tonight show this week wow I think it's the 14th is that this week I think that might be next week let me check it in my mouth no that's this week I think all right that's Thursday all right Thursday check out my boy the fat Ian Lara big homo kid I think he's Dominican I believe he's Dominican but he looks like an afro-american a which is why people think dick is bigger than it is and the whole thing so watch him we had a great ride down we skipped the traffic met Doug Key we get to MGM in Springfield yes I've heard mixed reviews about this club oh mix should be bad hmm I don't know who

gave you the good well I've heard a couple people have a good time canter loved it all right well let me say this you pull up dead town Fentanyl ridden 80 gay the whole thing it's just a bunch of old mills and shitty buildings that are corrupted and crumbling and there's a lot of hobos walking around like walking dead style and you put this casino it's shining it's brand new the light hits it you get into the hotel isn't impeccably designed it's all stylish and sexy what sounds nice it the hotel is amazing show up with Ian we check in we're like we both get in like these rooms are amazing we fuck then we go back down we're like

let's go see the room so we go look at the room it's in an old castle yes I've seen photos I mean when I say the ceiling is on the 18th floor it's up there baby it's a cathedral it's just teen it is crazy so you walk in and there's like bartender setting up and they go oh it's good to have you we got a show tonight and then they go we go how about this room huh they go oh yeah everybody hates it all the comics make fun of it that's the whole that's the whole act right right oh great well at least you know it sucks and it's so tiring of your work there to be like oh here we go here's the ceiling but I know I try I tried not to do a

bunch of that because everyone else has right but uh we sold a couple tickets we sold a couple shirts so thanks for coming out and just a great weekend I mean once you got through the shows they have a bowling alley they have a movie theater we gambled all night we drank all night we ate the foods great we had steak we went to the basketball Hall of Fame we played hoop at the court we had a it just when you got the right is me Doug Kean Ian when you got the right gang you can really be talking comedy we're having cocktails Ian Lars never gambled in his life Mindy spring was there she was playing roulette she won

up 50 bucks Ian goes let me take a 25 throws on a blackjack end up playing for like three hours one 400 bucks but gambling when you're winning is a lot of fun don't you love a group of three or four any group more than two is just delightful one's tough as the awkward silence as I contact as a whole situation and you can't take a moment off exactly with three give me like this story seems that's a that's a you story you take this one I'm gonna stare over here and think about my tooth exactly and at one point Ian was up we're fucking with the dealer and he's dying we're just yelling build that wall we're

just saying horrible shit and he's falling over and Mindy's laughing and Doug Kean's dying and then Ian lost like a 300 bucks in like two seconds and then we went upstairs but great night and Doug Kean let me just have a shot he is a salt of the earth kook he had nowhere to stay he just went up he went up and I'll do the gig and he had no they didn't give a hotel room so he just what he do he just winged it every night he was like oh I might know a guy in this town he just stayed at his on that's the old Norman yeah then he showed back up in the mornings and kind of shower in your room like yeah sure showers in my room he

just he just and he's like I don't be in your way so he'll just hang out at a restaurant or something all day and get out of your hair never complains oh that sounds nice a nice homeless no complainer with a jacket by my my dad very hip jack he hosted our show last night which I'll get into in a moment but he looked like a stunt double this guy great head of hair yeah nice face a real narrow nose yeah he's a big guinea he could he could he could key a lock with that thing and a hell of a body this guy 0% body fat oh my god a real sex symbol I'd like to see him on naked and afraid and smart as a whip he got a girl

or what oh yeah he's knee deep in a lady okay cuz I'm that's a guy you know he could just smash all the pusses yeah yeah and the men I believe with that look oh hell yeah so we do the whole thing it's great we have a great time we leave and I get back on a bus grayhound from Springfield to Boston hop on the bus cuss don't need to discuss much drop off the key Lee that was a call back to cuss oh nice yeah wasn't great back to back to Boston to meet the lady I got to see about a girl lady of the night and get to Boston an hour and a half back on that but kid with a Mohawk he was like eight years old a full blonde Mohawk with

tattoos he was it was a Slayer concert in town no kid so that bus was wild look like Detroit Rocks shitty and we get to Boston meet up with the lady we pop some shrooms what live it up in bean town at what time you pop in shrooms home I showed up she hands me a white claw I hit that we jump over to her place we take a shower at her sister's house in Newton oh no one says the T in Boston they go Newton oh yeah Newton yeah all Alston Newton home of Matthew Perry Louis CK John Fish Jerry Goldman now he's from Danvers Peabody Peabody yes Paul is from Danvers Galman Peabody I didn't know Louis from there oh yeah shit I was

giving the wrong alumni out by the way Springfield Dr. Seuss and Bill Cosby went to school there so you know all right James Naysmith yes basketball there you go not a great hall of fame by the way it's a shitty area there a lot of these hall of fames are not great baseball nailed it everyone else not so high like rock and roll rock and roll is okay pretty good it's okay I also believe that Naysmith gets credit with inventing basketball but I believe the Native Americans were doing something very similar I've heard they were doing some of the basket yeah and they had at one point the basket had a bottom to it

you're gonna ladder and climb up there maybe he got rid of the bottom Naysmith might have been the guy that's like well cut that out yeah bottom's out all right little laugh and learn hey let's begin a learning oh yeah yeah you guys if you don't know already you might want to know about native deodorant yes now this is one of those places please support these people that support us for God yes but this is one of these folks that they sent us the product oh yeah and Sarah and I are sharing a thing of deodorant this is all natural deodorant I am loving it I don't notice any sweat trickles at all and I feel like I smell

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butter the moisture I love the shea less is more with native they have fewer simpler ingredients that you actually have heard of I'm a fan I use it my gal uses it all over her body I want to kiss it up coconut and vanilla lavender and rose cucumber and mint strawberry and time rosemary and damn it so close so close sorry there's no risk to try you got to do it now we got free shipping with native and free returns in the USA but you're not gonna return this one baby 20% off first purchase visit native deodorant.com and use Tuesdays during checkout that's native deodorant.com and use Tuesdays plural during check out and

that'll get you 20% off your first purchase do it now native deodorant native deodorant take care of that body this stuff is good I mean I use it I like it sometimes I just lick it and smell it for fun yes now let me run this one by and I'll pass the torch yeah come on my back and see if I sticks you got it it usually does mm-hmm all right one thing on the bus from Springfield to Bean Town mm-hmm there's a couple seats open but this it's still pretty full and there's a couple people doing the I'm taking these two fuck you can't see it here they want the empty space yes it's back as a son so one girl is in front of

me she's got sweatpants on a meatball stain on her shirt I didn't care for it looked a little greasy she's got her feet up on the other seat like she's stretching out uh-huh so this poor Asian chap is walking towards me you know he's got a computer and an abacus he's a big nerd holding a calculator as you do as an Asian small dick yeah and he gets up and he looks at her seat and he wants it but he doesn't do anything hmm and I got a seat open so I go get in here you big fucking Gillis that's nice of you well a passive agent and you helped him out yeah but here's the thing she was a douche and she got what she wanted right so the

whole time I'm just thinking like this is this how the world works if you are a shithead do you get you get rewards she got the seat that's part of life but maybe it's all perspective cuz sometimes I'll say hey I couldn't I didn't want someone to sit next to me and I'll be like well tell them they can't sit there assert yourself she did so that's good I know but I'm saying she's meaner but she's winning shouldn't the mean people lose you're winning you're helping another person you're saying hey come on in here you're better than her but I don't want a guy next to me either yeah but it was fine it was fine it was fine

he was a little arm rest happy I'll tell you that and you could have said hey get the fuck out of here I'm I don't I don't care for your kind or something like that sure be a bad person I guess but yeah just it was a little lesson like maybe being a shithead if you're fine with being a shithead you you maybe you go further in life you get what you want more yeah I suppose you can do that it's something to think about it's a case-by-case basis murder was the case that they gave me well my point being we make a couple stops and I'm fuming over this lady and just debating life in the Asians and the Aztecs and the whole thing

and this big fat bra brassy broad comes on short hair sweater she's like a Boston grizzled just pasty the winter had torn her up sure you know she probably was a she worked at a smelting shop I don't even know what smelting is but it's smelting yes so she gets on and she sees this lady with the feet up and she ain't having it and she goes a and the girls like hesitates and just moves her feet and this was the coolest the lady's got a suitcase and a coffee and she goes get you hold my coffee darling I'm gonna put my suitcase up here so not only are you moving those fucking tootsies you're gonna slide your fat ass over to your side

you're gonna hold my coffee and then I'm gonna sit here I like that see she's asserting oh big sir asserting is big yeah helpful I asserted last night I tell about an assertion laid on me I felt I felt I felt good and I tell you this turns the ladies on women love an assertion you got that right and it wasn't much but we did our show at PS 109 the apartment show that canner's apartment building if we do periodically this is the hottest show in town oh yeah it was a great show as me and canner obviously Soder, Sam Merrill, Adrian Apollucci, Sarah Tallamage, Todd Barry what a line up what a line up and we

sold it out now a lot of times you hear people go oh we sold out and so I'm talking sold out standing remotely people were standing all around and it's in this brick wall basement it's the coolest venue in all of New York City I would say hot hot dungeony just bricky New Yorkie old school or coolest alternative venue at least I would say Upper East Side in an old school house PS 109 that's turned into an artist housing that's lunch oh man so to call it the art projects brilliant I don't know it was right there the whole time because it's next to all these projects right right what beautiful

can I ask the ticket price ten bucks and you get a free drink with the purchase of a ticket and we had not white claw but what's the other one similar truly yes yours truly I almost said yuckies yeah they had some truly is the course light you show up you get a free drink ten bucks and it was a holiday the next day all that hell oh that's a hot crowd quite a line up and Tuesdays were everywhere it was like the wise guys in the old days everywhere you looked oh wise guys were everywhere I love it a little reference see what is a stool pigeon I always hear that that's someone that fucking gave someone up a

stoolie I wonder why that means that the pigeon I think they sit on a stool and they take up a stool kill a pigeon or stool shitting talk about it and on the waterfront and taxi driver but I'm still not sure so often they kill a pigeon and stick it in your ass if you do it or something I'm taking a stool softener right now merelex yeah because well this keto thing by the way a lot of hot tips thanks if I'm trying the MCT oil so many great diet advice I'm going all natural I'm eating all this broccoli spinach grilled chicken fish and you know nice beef natural foods no more processed shit I'm feeling better yeah I'm taking

all kinds of supplements and all this shit trying to get better alright but anyways last night PS 109 sold out show packed so many Tuesdays thanks for coming and it was fun because we're like what the hell is going on here and we asked a bunch of people how'd you find out about the show they said Joe list the Tuesdays with story is a treat so this thing is growing you got that right feels good everybody killed what's that you said growing out of show yes well we show to I guess it's a show how about up can we be both we're growing and showing yes but everyone killed I know you always say that too right people always

say like it's sold it out but it wasn't and then everyone killed one person ate it all right everyone killed all right killer show then I order a lift I gotta go home Sarah's ready for bed we go I order a lift but I remember my jacket is upstairs in canner's apartment now I've never made a lift driver wait ever in my life I can't have people waiting for me it makes me sick to my stomach same here but I gotta get the jacket so I go fuck so we run on the elevator now there's another art project it's all art housing there's some other art losers try to get the elevator yeah and they the lawman is holding the elevator door

open and no one's even coming she's like just holding it and I'm boiling because my lift is outside I'm losing my rack and feel my rating going down he's wasting time and she's just holding it and I go excuse me we're in a hurry you can't hold the elevator door she's like oh you're in a hurry and I was like yeah that's right I have a car waiting for me and Sarah I mean she started pulling my belt off because I asserted I mean sure it was an old lady but still you could take her by the way late or not late car wait you can't hold an elevator door when there's other people if you're the only one on you can hold right but

there's other people you can't just decide for me that I don't get to leave right even if I have nowhere to be ever again in my life what are you doing holding an elevator door open what is the purpose in case someone happens to show up on the hall and it's a four-story building at worst they're waiting three minutes right put to go up to the fourth floor and come back then we go up one floor they get off I'm like there's a stairwell you could take in the stairs you fucking dirty old smelly twat what an old bag of bones but this assertion thing they these ladies they love an assertion I gotta say hey fucking

move it or lose it and she's like oh my god that was really something ladies you know they like a little gray in the beard and a little assertion and then I think that's it why don't women tell us these say why do we have to find out by yelling at some old hag and an elevator let us know we'll assert all day long but I'll tell you I can't wait to go see Alan first thing I'm gonna say is hey I told an old bitch to open the elevator and he's gonna be like I'm proud of you good maybe he'll blow you but he but great show thanks for coming we'll do another one and speaking of great shows I had the exciting opportunity to open for Hall

of Famer all-timer I'm excited the one and only Norm McDonald Canada's own oh my god SNL the norm show Norm McDonald all the albums all the specials the king one of the one of the greats of all time and so hero I get an email from my agent saying hey Norm McDonald's looking for openers in Terry town where I got married very exciting and he's doing Terry town Music Hall which I did years ago with Apollo great room that green room is spectacular great room old old theater turn of the century bullshit something Houdini and all that Mark's brothers you name it it's a big theater beautiful theater so he says my

agent says you want me to submit your name and I go yes please and also I think I should get this guy he knows me we're friendly he's a fan so I'm pretty confident I'm gonna get it but there's also that moment of like this is gonna be weird if I don't hear back right I mean no one's gonna see my name be like nah oh yeah so I was a little anxious get the email hey you're good to go you're open for norm I said great I'm all excited I talked to Louis CK and I say yeah open for Norm Wednesday he's like what I'm coming to that show no question about it which is nice because they don't give you travel money it's a

Wednesday so I go hey if you're coming how about forking over a little extra for the you know PBS and yes that's a siphon reference you checkbook out how about forking over a little extra oh but I mean is he gonna what does that mean well I'm saying how about you get the travel oh he's rich I'm not confused I'm sorry well yes he's like I'll drive you and I go great even better I thought we take the train you know even better hop in the Louis mobile so he goes I'll drive you and I go all right great now I didn't even know he had a car or a license this guy yeah maybe he shouldn't so I go all right great so I go we got

to leave her cuz I'm a little nervous cuz he likes to show up after the show began and usually he's doing a sold-out Mazda square got show can't start without him sure so he's kind of notorious for getting there after the show started he lives by his own pant leg exactly so once again I gotta assert I gotta go listen the traffic is bad I want to get there early so I can talk to Norm so I'm a little anxious he goes we can leave right now if you want leave whatever you want that's that's your dream you want to leave four hours early that's my dream so I go to therapy I have a great therapy session I go straight down to

Louise get myself a big avocado green smoothie it's all fresh I eat it I buy it I eat it I did that in reverse ah that's a siphon reference sorry what was that and Joe and Kramer gets rid of his fridge so what do you eat it's all fresh I buy it I eat it yeah he's dating Hildi yes full-figured gal you want some food usually we should start plugging Seinfeld this is like a companion piece to our show oh yeah yeah see in the show point you'll get more the references you go watch that show and then you'll be like oh wow right you might be missing a ton

of they might be like what are they talking about I think that happens a lot it must I mean people gonna watch the Merv Griffin episode they're gonna say where the cameras they're gonna be like shit in their pants yeah it's gonna answer a lot of riddles have a good shirt where the cameras that could be something I like it they even know it's theirs but we took it don't tell me about shirts the wrong guy you're not wearing a shirt are you yes I am what color is it damn it hey who so I get to Louise house and he goes alright let's leave and I'm like

great and I go you have a car he was oh yeah I got a car to garage we get over there it's a Porsche she's got all poor this guy what year he did pretty well at 2019 I'm not sure come on a week ago I don't know it was a four-door Porsche which I don't like that I don't like that but it was like a car car it wasn't that four-door minivan they started making these it's a four-door sedan Porsche covered in dust by the way yeah it's the most lewie thing I can imagine it's a dirty Porsche's like that's just been sitting here that's hilarious someone wrote wash me and blow me and jerk off on me yeah so we get in the Porsche it's

all excited got seat heat I love seat heat wasn't even cold I turned that thing on we got the GPS the whole business I want my balls warmed up they got seat cool too all right now we're talking I got a warm undercarriage so we get in the Porsche we drive up traffic's a nightmare but we're driving up the west side highway and we keep having this moment of like I'm in a car with Louis headed to a gig to open for norm this is wild quite a sense the lights are shining the stars are bright my mother's gay the whole thing down black as white but we go up there and it felt fun because it felt old school where the

comedian jump in the car and drive to the gig together that never happens anymore now we're flying to Albany and the whole thing so it's all upgraded now it's a lewie and a Porsche and a norm gig right so it's the same you know an oak's lodge so it's so excited he's not even on the show then we pull into tarrytown like this is where I got married this is where this thing this way you didn't come to my wedding even though you said you're gonna and then we pull in and then we're trying to find parking and I go what am I doing I'm on the show so I email they go we got a spot she's I'll talk you right into the

spot so she talks me in I'm like I'm with my friend then I'm like this is my friend Louie and then she's like oh my god I love Louie she's excited thank guy you're not gonna go either way yeah it gets nerve-wracking it is a little nerve-wracking to be like introduce him to people yeah this is a social pariah well it's divisive thank you so pariah is the right word piranha that way piranha he's got teeth so we go up there and then we got his norm here she goes oh norm took the train up he's been here since four like he's like fucking Matt Foley yeah so we go we go upstairs he's up there and he comes up says hello and

now it's me Louie and Norm like let's go get some dinner so we walk down the street we will get a nice dinner people taking photos which is exciting yes great dinner we're talking SNL we're talking Letterman because he did the last Letterman set and I was like I was the last comic to debut on Letterman and then we started talking about that we talked about how we always wanted to do Carson he didn't get Carson became uncool so we didn't get to do Carson he did it when but he did it when Carson was still the host but Leno was hosting that night guess host yes so lot old late night talks and prepping for late

night and it's really just a special night the meals great you know he pays we go over to the show and the show is just killing norm he gets anxious before the show he's like are you anxious and I'm like I am he's like you don't seem anxious and I'm like well I'm hiding it and he's like you're not anxious I'm anxious was there any are you freaking out you don't really I mean you know I'm a little bit you you don't know I'm know I your dinner like what the fuck is this like was it normal was it weird were you nervous I'm not freaking out because it sounds weird but I've been around now I know 19 years in I mean I

performed in front of him on live network television true so now I feel like maybe this is from meditation or old age or just I hate life or something but now it's just like I was excited it's a good guy I like this guy he's nice he's funny yeah I don't have as much shitting my pants energy anymore I want you to do the garden a few times I think everything gets the don't get it I still get I don't know I'm talking to Bill Burby now I'm like well don't get me wrong I'm excited all right part of me that's like this is pretty cool yeah but it's just a guy all right but it's a cool guy we're friends and he's a brilliant

comic obviously sure but I think I might be more nervous if I met I don't come comics just always feel accessible yes yes yes because they're just we're just hey you know Woody Allen you'd be shitting Woody Allen I'd probably be shitting film maybe but I bet what's your name to fucking Streep she goes oh you met Streep yeah we that's a big story we told right I forgot about Streep do you run her anyways so it's a good hang and then he's like I'm like how much time you want me to use whatever you want and I go well what I mean I don't know 15 he's like 15 to 20 at least oh he just was like yeah have

fun he's like I want to watch you I'm gonna go change I can't wait to see you he's like I haven't seen you since we did the TV show unreal and Louie's like I'm gonna watch you and so now I'm a little nervous because I'm like oh god and I I've changed this diet dramatically so I'm eating all this broccoli and greens and shit and I'm kind of squeezing out some little farts that's fine that's fine I'm like it's no big deal just a little couple squeakers and there's a couple ladies that work there they're sitting around back there so I'm like maybe they'll think it's them sure and then at one point Norm's telling a story about

Bert Reynolds wow because I was farting I missed the beginning I feel like and at the end of the story I was like I'm sorry who is this about and he goes you don't know Bert Reynolds it he leans in you don't know Bert Reynolds I go no I know Bert Reynolds I just I spaced out yeah and I didn't want to say why I was spacing out and the reason was I thought I might be shitting my pants I couldn't tell because I'm constipated that's how I can picture Norm do you don't know Bert Reynolds yeah and he goes and he goes okay okay you know Bert Reynolds and then a moment passes and he goes I gotta say something want to use farting pretty bad

right no call me out of my farts oh my god so now I'm like oh what do I do because Louie looks like he smells and then there's two ladies over there and the typewriter so I'm like I kind of wait a second and Louie and Louie goes yeah man it's fucking bad and it was it felt like 10 minutes but it was probably like two Mississippi's yeah and I went yeah that's me I changed my diet I'm really sorry he goes no no it's alright he goes but boy I really leaned in on it cuz he leaned in on the Bert Reynolds and he's like I put my face right in it and it's it's really foul and I was like I'm like I'm sorry I feel so embarrassed

I got called out he's like but good on you for for owning up to it cuz some people won't own up to a fart and he's like I respect you for it wow then we told the Henry Phillips story Henry Phillips is a great bit about someone blaming a fart on him and they were one-on-one you can't blame me it's I'm the only one here right right right but anyway so that was awkward and he goes I'm gonna go change so I can watch you and they go all right we're gonna bring you up from the God Mike and I go yeah just I'm telling intro and Louie goes why don't I just bring you so I go that would be great so Louie's gonna bring me

up from the house Mike and he disguises his voice and does his like Madonna will be here on November 35th at 1 p.m. and the crowd doesn't get it because they don't know it's Louie sure sure and it's not a Louie show so they're kind of like what right and he usually he does that at his shows and then he'll reveal that it's him the crowd was crazy but he doesn't want to make a thing right so he never does that he just brings me out as this weird character yeah I go out I do 20 and great crowd had a great time killer show I can hear Norm laughing now it's like one of those things we're like Louie's up there I can hear him laughing

in the balcony Norm's side of the stage I can see him out of my periphery he's laughing so that's where it gets like really special that's magic it was pretty magical this old wooden stage I got married here Norm MacDonald Louie see care watching I bring out Norm he gives me a big hug how funny was he which is quite a thrill unbelievable can you imagine this 10 years ago so exciting the lady goes Louie's got a chair for you he wants you to join him up there it's like oh great I go up there I bump into a few people like hey thank you I sit with Louie we're on the side we're in the Wilkes Booth seats on the side of

Lincoln seats oh yeah and we watch Norm we're howling laughing all the tags so many great I mean go see Norm if you have the means yes it's like unbelievable he's on his game the king he is killer I mean amazing amazing comic and then we're like above everyone so we could see the crowd norm quite a thrill we go backstage we kick around stories for about a half hour a lot of laughs and great time we hop back in the porch we drive up and like Louie and I just pushed each other into the bushes being like why about that bit what about this did you believe he did that how many said that he should

change this to that no then we gave him lines that was the most exciting part Louie gave him some lines and I gave him a tag and he pulls out his phone he's like slow down slow down he's writing down he's dying laughing I got more laughing I got a line in his ass so cool so cool so exciting I'm like and he's like some comics don't like lines he's like it's so crazy to me that's I'm all lines I want all the lines let's do some lines and so I gave him a line Louie gave him a bunch of lines we're all talking bits and then there's an exciting moment where I go in the bathroom to piss but it's an old wooden thing and I can hear Norm being

like God he's great I can't get him anymore he's doing his old shows and Norm's like oh boy he's so great I wish he was with me this week and so that's really that's the part where you feel really good I couldn't even piss because I'm like whatever that's unreal that's unreal and then I come out he's like I hope you're shitting there because you had to shit earlier you smelly cunt I could picture him on stage going how funny is he I'll tell you I'll tell you he's really farting over here yeah it was really exciting and to get called on the front was a little embarrassing you run with it yeah it was fun and then we

drove back into the city great talk down the west side highway I say hey drop me off here in midtown and I say great night take care take the train home I'm riding high I feel like a million bucks what a night and a special night Albany funny bone was great and I feel pretty good trying this diet thing I had one regressive night last night I don't know what I ate but I gotta stay steady and I gotta eat natural you're in control of this don't forget try I'm trying hard let's hear it would you would you flip out on no I didn't even do anything crazy I think what happened was I ate a meal it was unsatisfactory it's

not a second me I ain't put too much in there I gotta do a little at a time I also ate and then fucked right away and then I was on my back at one point on it and you can't lay down with like three hours after eating so I think that sent stuff up I got stressed and so I'm trying to be healthy anyways all right that was a long time sorry man but norm that's uh that's legendary wow what a night Porsche norm theater farting that's all my favorite things very exciting I just want to say uh did the shrooms I'm gonna to I'm gonna tease it what happened on the shroom there wasn't

anything crazy but uh fun night bean town what where you gonna be right so we'll do this next week did I cut you off at some point I feel bad no no no I I went long on the bus stuff ah shit I busted up oh boy I'm busted but yeah yeah great tune yes so uh ah what was I gonna say yeah it was a it was a it was a nothing story where I'm glad you well shroom sounds like something it what sounds like something but I just want to say we're way over time here but um I just want to say the uh there's some guys in Boston they are they'll really razz you what do you mean

well ball busting but we had the shrooms in my pocket and I we go to the we go to the union oyster house was like I want to do one cheesy Boston thing touristy and we got a clam chowder no it's interesting about union oyster house sorry to interrupt it claims to be like the oldest restaurant yeah but then I did some research there's one in New Orleans that's older well I don't know which one they got no electricity it's something yeah I know the one in New Orleans I didn't know they were I just thought union union supposedly it's older I don't know that's union oyster house there's some

restaurant in New Orleans that's supposed to be older than union oyster house oh oh I see I don't know what's what though oh boy well we're gonna have to do some googling maybe the new Tuesdays with facts can check it out oh that's a cool account I love the account yeah okay so you got the mushrooms you're getting razz you're at union oyster house there's a bald guy watching the LSU game so I'm like oh I know LSU I'm from Louisiana Bob on he's like he and then my gal walks out of the bathroom he goes Jesus she's a dime you know big fat boss a guy mustache bald yeah and he goes she goes what are you doing with this geek which I fucking I

died laughing but then you're like how do you know I'm not like some him I could have just you know one of these right in the nose yeah and then she's got a nose ring and he goes why are you putting that in your face what are you doing and like this guy I'm like like what the fuck are you doing man like you you called me a geek which is fine I don't give a shit but like that's a gal you're just shitting on like her choices I don't know you we don't even know you we don't even want to talk to you we're humoring you already by chatting and then you got a shit on her thing I feel like that's shaped my whole life this is what I grew up

with it's all my uncles and cousins everyone yeah what do you got a fucking new sneaker you're eating chicken you fucking homo yeah he's a fat guy and he was on the oh this is this is sad when he's on the phone with his daughter and you can tell she doesn't want to hang out with him he's on the phone the middle of the bar is gone so it's like a four hour drive if you come over here we can hang out and she's like yeah yeah yeah he's like no you should come she really come I got nothing to do all night and you can tell she's like I don't want to hang out with this fucking oh boy but uh she's like ah maybe he goes well what if I come

to you and she's like ah well you know and then he just hangs up and I'm like this is why you're alone you're chewing people out you don't even know me you called me a geek you blow me a kook don't think he's chewing a lot ah fuck chewing the fat all right loser it's an abrupt ending but I'll tease the shrooms to use the shrooms next week same gate channel same gate time yes uh this weekend I don't know how many Tuesdays are out in Des Moines but I'm in Des Moines Thursday Friday Saturday a couple of them were at the show last night they came into town for the live pod and our show then they're going back to Des Moines so they're

going to see me a lot but Des Moines Iowa this weekend I'm excited to be there then we got some big ones next weekend DC draft house that's November 22nd and 23rd big hits bonuses folks having a root canal on Tuesday God I'm fucking dreading it I hate it and then uh Laugh Boston that's the biggest one for me right now November 29th and 30th if you're in New England for God's sakes come out it's Thanksgiving weekend I know you'll be home get your tickets early and it's one show Friday two shows Saturday come to Friday or early show Saturday I'd like to hit a fucking bonus for guys yes and uh so come to the Friday show with the early Saturday show and then uh Hilarities in Cleveland December 5th through

the 7th Sarazon all those shows with me other than Des Moines so come out to those and uh get on the patreon for God's sakes it's a really great deal the new live pod that we're doing tonight yes we'll be up there soon I don't know when it'll be there like this week or something so yeah and you don't want to miss it we got some funny cats and it's a sold out show I think so it's going to be cooking yes that's it for me uh this weekend I'm at rooster tea feathers a couple shows sold out so let's pack them all out with Tuesdays because those tech nerds come up and they get all offended and ruin everything so come on out to that then I'm in Portland I'm at the blue room in Missouri we're doing Santa Anna that's going to be a doozy we got to figure out

what dates are stand-up what dates are live pod oh yeah please come to that for God's sakes doing a pop-up show in Philly a pop-up show two in Jersey one in Medford and one in I think Hoboken so come on always ask about the Jersey San Francisco in January I got Nashville on the books Toronto on the books Atlanta St. Louis helium shit in my mouth uh we got some other fun ones coming up uh Chicago and May the moon tower together oh yeah moon tower and uh what's the other festival skankfest skankfest in Houston Tampa skydesplitters and uh that's all I got for now so oh I'll bring if you want some shirts DM me because I don't know who wants them I'm sick of lugging these fucking rags around all right tell me your size the whole thing that's it we're going to go

do a live up right now New York City here we go praise Allah mom's Bob's your uncle blow your head and eat out your system