Tuesdays with Stories! - #324 Square Honks

Episode Date: November 19, 2019

Hot damn, it's another great Tuesdays as we recap the live show, Mark gets some Seinfeld-esque news, and more! Sponsored by: Raycon(raycon.com/tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy starting we're rolling everybody we're rolling and we got a colon power yes we did the colon junk oh yeah we don't do the colon thing we need another punctuation

yeah I'm in a comma oh comma comma comma chameleon that's a fun one boy what should we tell the people what's going on right now well I feel like you just you gotta let it out now I like to break I like to let down the wall chop down the wall build it instead of building it I want to take it down rub out the border you know yeah yeah well we're all people they're imaginary lines Joe I know by the way I don't really feel that way don't tweet at me and what people will be like you fucking we need whatever people always want to say what I think yes they do do that they do do this guy hates this group

how do you know what I hate yes very strange you don't do that with food you know yeah I've gotten painted as a both both things you getting painted and I'm not really the thing that must be nice how about those people that paint I used to faith paint my face at like high school football games I was like oh I was all school spirit black my year but black and red oh so black your native American and Afro American yeah the redskins and the black face yes but dick back then I think it was fine I mean those are our school colors not like green and yellow and I was just painting my dick black right right right yeah

you didn't have any colors at your school wait a couple you had a color Whitman oh yeah we had Charlie Prater Mike Topina Rachel Royster and that is it there you go and I'm sure but he got along swimmingly the big three I think so yeah well I was like I was unaware of raising we had the big our family friends were the Coopers black Jaira Shirley and Crystal May and they were my grandparents church friends my uncle Dale's best friend was Jaira Cooper Jaira Jaira yeah Jaira scope and back then when I was a kid they were just always over the house there's no knocking they just walked in we had dinner and so we

were like a biracial fam yes and no one was ever like these are black people they're coming over it was just like yeah these are our friends and they were louder at the movie theater and the basketball game but that was fun to be yeah it's all part of the culture I remember we saw a home alone with Shirley and Jaira and Crystal and then Shirley kept me like oh I like this boy this boy is crazy and I thought it was great I was like I was loving it oh great was she was she stirring something with an apron no no stirrer she had M&Ms I think she's a good rapper she's passed on since but boy she was fun and it was

during the bowl she got me really into Jordan she was like that Michael Jordan and I loved it it was so fun all right but I never thought well I got a black friend we're celebrating our differences or whatever it was just a person I was the same way we had a kid Eddie and he would come over and one time move this is this is some racial tension Louisiana his mom would just leave him could she had to go to work so he'd just sit there on the porch and he'd be hungry she wouldn't leave any money so one time my mom saw him eating Doritos and that those juice boxes you puncture oh Hawaiian style love it's Hawaiian well I

think you puncture all when you put in the front no no no you're thinking of Capri yes I'm thinking of Capri but wasn't there Hawaiian involved in Capri now what was Hawaiian that was a Hawaiian punch Hawaiian punch domestic abuse Capri son those were tough to get in there sometimes oh it's like a hymen you got a ti it occasionally I'd get scissors and just cut it and then drink it like a like an MRE or something oh yeah yeah MRE yeah those are good we had those during Katrina oh fun yeah my mom would just give me that for lunch I was like thanks bitch that's for people dying in a cave so what's the juice box

thing so she saw I'm eating a juice box and a drink and a Dorito so she went up it was like that's crazy here's some real food she gave him like a sandwich and an apple nice and her mom was like you know when she came home she's like what's this yeah who gave you what huh yeah don't tell me how to raise my son you think you're better than me mom's like racial thing oh geez make it racial or she's like you white people eating this a little bit yeah mayonnaise and yoga and pumpkin spice with you whites right yeah I remember the race thing but I also remember like maybe getting corrupted with my the early like a

reverent humor racial stuff because gyro would make a race joke and then we would make that make fun of him like my he was five years old my uncle was five years older and then we'd be like yeah cuz you're a fucking whatever I was like I guess that's what you do yes and it was fun but I remember one time a neighbor friend of mine I won't say his name just in case you know he's like he might be running for mayor or something but there was like the what do you call it the manger oh Christmas he had a major Christmas scene and there was one black prophet or a knight or I don't know what they're called rapper I don't call the

wise men oh yes they were well we were very progressive so there was a black wise man and then he did a bit we had a big party he goes hey it's Rodney King and he was using two of the white wise men to like kick the black wise man and then the head of the black one fell off and it kind of killed everyone was like oh god but it was killing and that was what was that 91 or something so I was like nine or 10 but I remember being like hey this is funny that's funny and the black people enjoy it as well I'm sure Jira had a good giggle oh he laughed out he giggled till he was red in the face yes red and black women Hansen but early

on I really like oh that's like I knew like you're not supposed to make a joke like that right killing in the basement at this party so I'm gonna be like I'll make jokes like that that's how I was and cut to years later it's no good it's all the square honkeys who came in later who didn't have the gyros growing up who go hey that's inappropriate you fat cracker or whatever it is like no no no this is what we do you you've been missing out a bunch of square honks yes hey to square honk honk if you're honky yeah so good times we had the I had a blackhead friend he would he was unbelievable at Mario Brothers unbelievable very talented

people they are they really are and he could he could he could tap the other the top of the door jam I remember and that was exciting you know with the ups they got oh yeah all these these spots is um yeah that was exciting good times well so what I was gonna say is sorry we got nothing ah we just had a pretty good ratio well that was fun we'll have a bunch of rants we'll make we'll make it work yeah but it's a little scary because you got into Sunnyvale they got a Sunday show yeah I love Sunday and Sunnyvale I love that Sunnyvale week a lot of people don't love it really well I love Heather she's sweet as pie a good

egg and I've had some traumatic times there where Sarah had food poisoning I thought I was gonna get it so she got me all these bananas and things for your stomach and then I was there when we got robbed and she gave Sarah a jacket that Sarah wears every day is that right and she's really taking care of us she's a she's a good good egg and I love that area I always rent a car we go hiking we drive around we'll go down to Berkeley and stuff we make a time of it maybe I'll do that get a car go up to Berkeley and do some hide there's some spectacular hiking over there you can go to the Cal campus there's great record stores at

Berkeley you can go you can drive up to SF the whole thing how far as Burke not far 45 at 50 minutes maybe all right I'm down yeah it's nice beautiful country I always get a car over there plus that hotel's a little isolated yes there's nice food around there you can drive around I'm getting a car in Des Moines I'm gonna go to the Iowa State Texas football game names I will these rental cars they cost money or obviously and it's a chunk but these quality of life things especially my diet now right I got I want options I want to be able to drive and and hang out and sometimes these ubers will add up fatty oh they add

and in like Des Moines it's 20 minutes for the uber and as we talk about frequently they don't have any Muslims out there they get square honks that want to chat yeah these honks with the chatting a terrific a square honk chat is one of the worst things you can experience an SHC I got a sorry I got a booger or a hair a little booger sugar but anyway so we have to record we've done this a long time we're recording not on a Monday the week before and two days after recording the most recent episode and the live episode yes so I got nine I don't have one note we're square one we got away in an empty tank

I'm naked out here I got zero to talk about except for the live episode got that right which is up on the patreon yeah I think I think we're gonna get some hot vid of that puppy holy hell well this was a classic there's something magical that happens with these live yes and I'll be the first to admit maybe the second you might have admitted there's a couple clunky lives well that crowd there's a couple clunky lives but sometimes the crowd is just cooking and then sometimes they're a little tepid I thought they were a little they were up and down they were not cooking early early they were they were preparing they

were doing a little food prep yes they were slicing the bananas and boiling the potatoes chopping some onions and boy did I cry I guess if you're boiling your cooking so they weren't boiling they would just chop an onion is a better yeah yeah and and I of course had my seasonal panic moment where I would I just from the moment I woke up at 9 a.m. on Monday I go I'm gonna bomb oh boy don't you hate that when you know it right away well you don't know it you think you know but I made it I fruition did you're feeling it yeah and it just got my head and then Alan our therapist do she always says if you're feeling nervous say it and you'll

be less nervous so I told you I told to car I told Donnelly I was trying to get out there mm-hmm and it didn't help oh boy well sometimes we gotta remember this is the most important thing that I have in my life all the time is your thoughts are not reality yes we start believing our own story you tell a story and then you believe it everybody hates me everyone thinks I'm dumb everything is some stupid I don't think some a hack yeah and only half of those things are true and the reality is you're gonna be fine it's gonna be great we have all these fans there I'm sitting there before going none of these are fans it's

20% fans and 80% fucking schmucks that just showed up but it was a lot of fans a lot of fan a lot of gays came out we sold some Tuesday shirts we had a hot crowd at the end and we told some funny yucks we got a lot of zingers in there oh yeah Sean Donnelly was great who was our first we didn't even mention that first guest along with Kaplan I think and DeRosa and Vita was one episode and Kaplan and Donnelly was the other one yes originally we're gonna have two guests so the live one I always think is very close to what the original idea was sure for people yeah but I guess when you got that crowd though it changes the

dynam because you got a yuck and you got to get those laughs well I feel like you're you're boring them exactly it's like I said on before I think I said it on air too or whatever is here we can assume everyone's laughing or at least interested yes but at the pod you just feel like your body and guys like us were punchline guys oh yeah we're laughs per minute type of people not that I ever tracked that or whatever LPM but you sit there going fuck I need to laugh right here so when you do something and a lot we had a lot of lines I think deserved a lot you had a couple big ones that didn't get much you gotta be

kidding me yeah they were tough and it's weird when you're expecting it cuz I'm like oh that was big and then you kind of listen you're like what the hell it's like dropping a penny off a skyscraper there you go well it's well it's good about you is I'm so reactionary I'm such a cunt with the reactions cuz my mom had what you had what you call still face mmm it sounds like a bad Batman villain but it's basically when you're you tell your mom something she goes oh yeah it doesn't react yes my parents have that we both your dad's got a still dick yeah he's tough yeah so that the so I go off okay how well am I doing that joke didn't

get a laugh I'm doing horribly but no maybe you suck maybe you got it wrong maybe you missed it and you had a few of those where you said no no that's good blow me yeah remember being envious like that's the way to do it well sometimes too I think they're they're nervous they're up front they can see us and sometimes you're laughing on the inside just like comics they listen to so many podcasts and watch so many shows that they have the thing that's like that's hilarious right it's hard to get that visceral gut yes we also fucking really filled it up it was all come for about 35 minutes great gate to right it was a

cream pie in the in the start yeah Daniel Simonson opened he was great yeah he killed but I think they were confused by him too yeah sounds quirky and weird he went up dead cold he's Norwegian so it was a little confusing but they came around it was about 30 minutes where we were murdering yeah and you can hear for yourself on the goddamn patreon and but the patreon is like you gotta be on that it's a steal for the price minimum even if even if it wasn't a Steven was 50 bucks a month just for all these live episodes yes but yeah fun night and then you sold quite a bit of merch I would add I was leaving there was a line around the

corner you were like Stamos 92 I had a couple Jews go hey can you bring out a few t-shirts I said you got it so I threw a bunch in a bag then I saw a stack of Tuesday shirts I said I'll throw these into I gotta get rid of these and they all sold sold every single piece of merchandise to me yeah it was wild but we had a lot of meet and greets photos Barbara Dugan up front of course and a young Dugan sister Dugan not that Barbara's not young I don't want to say that no she's a good-looking chap but this one this Dugan looked you know young girl yeah I was kind of into it yeah it was a hot there was something going on

downtown in the the gene region come yours or hers a little boat she had a back kind of front couple of Dugans and then there was one woman did you meet that one woman that was like a model she had like what model face plus size nice jacket model face came up and was like I think you're hilarious that was a great show wow and I went because we went we separated I stay in the corner where we normally have you had to go to the Merchant area yeah yeah my cell out so as hard cuz everyone was like where's Mark and I was like well we're fighting we had that the people were like what and I'm like yeah he goes upstairs it's a bad

figure I'd see him on the way out but if there's another door on the door there's another exit well they shove shove people out that little keyhole at the end it's this tiny door on the right side in the corner oh I didn't know about the other door yeah they pop right out on the six well there was a real beauty I mean she was something else I miss the beauty she's a fan so that was nice and there was a diversity of fans which was nice I had the Kevin Smith crew up by me you know the die-hards I saw a few of those people oh I felt great about the show I felt awesome I was like this is a great show a lot of meet and greets photos the

whole things the comedians loved it I come upstairs and I get a hey it's the other guy that was tough I hope that guy dies I hope he's in a car wreck and his fucking mother catches on fire well we got we got a shirt money out of him but yeah I wanted to kick that guy hands what a bit as I was leaving it was a tough kick I had to go take the long way home I was like I don't want to take a walk to A Street I had to contemplate my whole life my wife called I was crying ah geez sorry Sarah sometimes I have this thing I again we talked about it a couple episodes ago where I'm on the road so much I'm gone so much I just

want to be home because you're gone so much yeah that you like the feeling of being home and it was a day I was out all day so then the show ends and I'm like alright I'll see you later cuz it's time to be home by 11 I just watched the 11th hour with Brian Williams yeah and and Seinfeld the same time old Seinfeld so we going back and for you toggling I go a little back and forth I love a toggle cuz a lot of these news stories you're like okay I got it then it's all just talking about the thing it's stupid there's something throwback you about being on TV with that there because everything is so watch it when you want

stream me and this is like hey I got to be on here I'm zipping and zapping I love a zip zap and today I was watching tennis and the impeachment hearings at the same time they're both like battles yeah it was Nadal and the Russian it was Trump and the Russian I was going back and forth a lot of Russia at play it's a verbal volley yes maybe so that was fun but I did the thing where I'm like let me head back that was a good night cut my losses be home by 11 and then I'm walking I get on the train I'm like what am I doing I'm going home Sarah's not even home she's in the village where I just was you're hanging out everyone's

hanging everyone's at the cellar Tom Greens over there and some other celebrity and I'm like what do I do I'm heading home everyone's hanging out I should be I should be hanging out so I go home and I'm watching TV sad this is second time now with this I got to figure out how to balance you get the instinct to get back to the nest well I'm somebody I'm an isolator I like to isolate and it's never good for me I always feel better when I'm with people so I'm working on it and I think you're getting better I'm trying I'm trying very hard I had a therapy session yesterday good sesh but Alan called me a pussy about

38 times and after a while I was like are you turning into my father yeah he's done that to me too really your pussy all right yeah yeah he calls sagalob pussy quite a bit from what I understand not wrong there yeah he's like here but they got a new pod sagalob and Alan would be something it's that's a podcast no chaplain Scott chaplain chaplain underrated cat oh super underrated funny sagalob rated sagalob Brandon sagalob Scott chaplain they're great they have a new podcast called garbage days or garbage boys what are they talking about their act might be yeah now I know I guess I think one of them was a garbage

hauler oh okay I'm on airplane mode here so I can't look it up but check them out those guys are funny and they're paying me to say this so as well as much as you see a pairing that you're like now that's a show there we go I like it fat guy skinny guy it's comedy gold yeah so and sagalob he's really reaching he's got about nine podcasts he's guessing on things he's got a punk tattoo it's embarrassing so cheese throw the guy a bone he's a funny comic and a sweet guy good egg good kid and yeah funny funny dude a chaplain's killer hey folks got to talk to you about Ray Khan man do I love the Ray Khan you know me I'm a nut

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are gonna be folks you'll have to check them out for yourself on the site that's buy Ray Khan B U Y buy Ray Khan dot com slash Tuesdays to get an amazing Black Friday deal on Ray Khan's buy Ray Khan dot com slash Tuesdays get on it cooks now let me run this by there fat so stick it in my ass and see if I let it live there oh all right so I got the Seinfeld email talking the whole what's that mean itinerary oh oh when's the show Thursday and Friday of next week so it's right around the gainle here 21st and 22nd yeah you want to go I would love to go I'm going to DC and I'm going to the penguins Islanders games as

well see Sid the kid that'll be fun about this by the way real quick I'm going to big hockey guy Thursday I'm going to Islanders penguins gonna see Sid Crosby okay Saturday in DC I'm going to the capitals game gonna see a vetch kid I'm gonna see the two best players of our generation to the best of all time in three days hey there you go it's like a phobia phobia hey we both went the place to be yes all right I get the email the shows are next week yeah which is very exciting week oh yeah this week sorry this week it's very exciting it's like you know it was a pipe dream it was a phone call was a text now it's

written in blood baby period blood right on my shirt bloody email yes you know bloody Sunday this is the show this is what is happening this is what you wear this is what you do this is the time the whole thing wow so that's exciting so I get a wild hair at my ass and I'm going I'm in the Jerry world now okay little juice cooking then this is from him or from his reps he's got a guy named Kev oh big Kev big Kev yeah okay and the here's the cute one at the end they tell you we know we'll do this with that show up this time being in theater about after last show we get pizza at this place wow so I'm gonna be in the pizza you're

going to get pizza with Jerry Seinfeld the sign this is a big brain oh my god I think I remember why we stopped coming here yeah unbelievable you're gonna do that line you think nah try not to do any show around okay okay he's probably heard every yada yada yada you're the master of your ass but so hard not to because we say it so I mean I reference Seinfeld 500 times a day exactly I would do it if he wasn't there that's the irony of course but my here's my worry I got two nights with him four shows he likes one green room what's that mean he likes to just be in together he wants to you and that's nice that's great but you know

me old mush mouth Norman here yeah I'm gonna fuck it up I'm gonna make a Holocaust joke I'm gonna say something about his his girlfriend or I'm gonna blow it but this is the thing he likes you he knows you he's met you he was hiding in the room with the Schumer thing he's listened he knows I don't know but he doesn't know I'm a degenerate I like to booze it up I like to put my face in a big fat gash I want to lick a clit I want to do some drugs I'm on shrooms I'm gay you know about all that now you're creating a story and you're believing it you're gonna not believe the story interesting there's a story in

your head it's just a story he's gonna be thrilled it's gonna be excited gonna hit it off this is gonna be big he's gonna charm his pants off you'll make jokes reference you know fatty our buckle whatever he likes right he likes that mention a Rodney thing you just saw and you'll be fine I appreciate the positive yeah don't believe the story fear is just fear and your thoughts are not reality and my mother the shades are bush on Wednesdays yes just remember all those things alright alright I just don't mean I know I got that you get that urge and you go I don't say it don't say it oh I just said it I called

him the K word that's for Jews yeah yeah I also made that joke with his handler guy we talked on the phone I was like what if I go full Michael Richards he was like we'll see you then okay no laugh no nothing I was like that was bad so what is it you gotta wear a suit you gotta get there early you got it I know about the 15 minutes you can't go long you can't go short that's even worse brutal and you can't wear a black suit cuz that's what he wears so I got a blue suit a blue suits better you think it's pretentious what well black suit only work if you're Seinfeld you gotta be Seinfeld or the Caprio or like hosting

the Oscars or at a funeral interesting blues the way to go look what flip to the TV you see a guy in a black it's too cool a too cool that's the issue with the black suit everyone's wearing blue I picture black suit like funeral funeral reservoir dogs but like Oscars and stuff okay a black suit is very cool I got it gray or a blue is ideal all right well I'm throwing on the big baby blue and no baby miscarriage just the baby with the bathwater and yeah so just gonna get a blue suit and here's the clinker so I got a hair up my ass and I go hey Jer and stop me if I've told you this I see this Ford v Ferrari is cooking yeah you told

me we're gonna say this yes so I put an hour aside a little candle I took my pants off and I texted him and I wrote hey if you want to go see that movie I'm I'm dying to see it I'm Jones and to see this flick okay let's hang nothing back for a couple hours I go that might have been bad because that's a big level jump I mean that's one thing to do a gig with a guy but to go to a movie that's a date a movie's big I know I feel the way I'm going to see a play with Ryan Hamilton and I'm nervous yeah yeah who buys do I get there too early do I hold his hand do you wear a blazer do you touch knees you know that's a lot gonna happen here

ironically he opens for Seinfeld by the way he's opening for Paul Simon Ryan Hamilton yes I thought Simon retired he's back baby for one I had a feeling where Ryan Hamilton opening for Paul Simon I wonder if Jerry got him the gig wow that's amazing but either way I asked him to the movie I thought this could be good because it's also you don't have to talk the whole time and then you get to talk after and you have a talking point that's why the movie is the best date it's a great date especially for this old curmudge man or woman so I throw it out there a couple hours ago by goes I'm in Vegas next week I'm gonna

see it there I can't wait so I can't wait for you I got to just see oh wow and I was like wow this is where we're talking something you should fly to Vegas yeah thought about it somebody else mentioned that I bet he could get a private screening also yeah he could get a copy yeah I think he wants to do it the real way I don't know he's like obsessed with this shit so then he wrote by the way now this is where it gets kooky I saw that video of you at your show with the guy doing me now let me was this let me unpack this as they say please do let me fudge pack this so he's watching video as you get nervous gonna watch the

podcast of course I'm talking on Rogan I'm Jim and Sam I've done eight hours on the sign well let alone talking about him just all the times we say cunt and creeps and faggots and fruits now you see what scared me to green room with the Jew alright so that won't help either but he writes back I have a show called sticker treat unfamiliar and every year I'm just done unpacking for the folks at home I see and every year somebody does Rodney a Jerry Newhart a Joan Rivers you get it and they do we do it a two minute impersonation mm-hmm and that's the whole fun of the show it's Halloween you dress up everybody goes all out I did Tracy

Morgan I got hit by a Walmart truck once I did Pee Wee Herman I got caught jerking off you get it big show huge yes one guy last year did a Bernie Mac Sanders oh yeah you get creative with it I did Kenny Banya and really ate my dick ah well he would nobody liked it I did Dane won you like 12 years ago that killed that was great that was a long time ago we were pretty sloppy we were both in the bag that was 2010 that's when you stole all the booze it was great that was like old I barely knew you yeah yeah yeah that phone that's that night right there that green frame that's it yeah right there I'm hammered right there

oh yeah oh yeah you a shithouse it was insane that was when I was that was first I was like this guy's fucking crazy bartender went to get something and you got behind the bar and poured everyone glasses of vodka yes I got a photo of it and there's a big sign that says keep your eyes on your wallet people in this neighborhood have sticky hands and you are stealing the vodka I was not a big a great album cover those were simpler times but it was amazing to me because I was poor and a drunk and you just gave me a 16 ounce glass of vodka yeah what's better than that and I was like this will last me all night and

10 minutes later it was done and I was shooting on a head oh yeah I think we did that thing that night where we ran out and ran on top of cars oh that sounds about right yeah you know you go hood to roof to yeah yeah it was a lot of that so bad person yeah me too so where was I sticker treat yes so somebody does Jerry as they do every year but you need a twist so he did Jerry talking about his 17 year old girlfriend from the 90s oh no I know and I'm the guy bringing him out oh my god it's your show it's my show and I bring a Jerry son he comes out bram bram bram he's got the

blades are on the tie and the high sneakers and he goes uh what's the deal homework my girlfriend's always doing it and it killed that's not bad he had a million oh they were they were great I gotta hand it to the guy okay his name why can't you give his name I forgot he did it publicly I know I'm not saying like I can't just can't think of it you know who will figure it out Tuesdays with facts we love this kid go follow Tuesdays with facts on Twitter this guy's doing the whole episode every digit semi colon anal anything he nails it he's correcting it he's giving a story I mean we love the account whoever you are

thank you killing it all right so the thing goes viral this kid puts up the video it goes viral after she can treat viral viral oh my god get some val treks I know so now I'm like well what are the odds he's gonna he's a high up on a mountaintop you know polishing an Emmy he's uh he's not gonna see this and he texts me with the movie text he goes saw that that clip and that's all he wrote oh my god that's all she wrote I went oh my god what do I do it I panic oh this is scary I freeze and then he goes hilarious whoa wow he thought it was but maybe he's watching a different clip oh god a different year well he said your

show the Halloween show or something like that but you're saying someone does Jerry every year so maybe it was a different one this is true but I wrote back oh glad you liked it huh comedy and he never wrote back yeah you want to say well I wasn't responsible yes my show exactly but he doesn't like a lot he doesn't give me a lot he's a still texter right right so I threw that out there and he said hilarious I'm like all right but what a cool dude I feel like a big celebrity could really run with that like how dare you of course your ass you know but he was all right well he seems like a laid-back guy and I just love our

comedians the cars I watch and I love it love it and uh yeah he's created my favorite things of all time yeah he's a good creator he knows what he's doing out there yeah B movie I never watched yeah that wasn't great I never saw it it had a it had a moment but the TV show is the defining thing in my life and uh comedians and cars is like my second favorite thing love it there's some real gems in there the the B movie it just the whole time you're going why is he doing this yeah comedians and cars like he likes these guys he likes comedy likes coffee likes car got it B buoy did he get stung by a bee is his wife a bee what is

well I think uh maybe likes bee cups uh yeah yeah I think he likes bees he's fascinated by bees he's got a whole bee thing and then he wanted to make a movie and it was funny likes kids he had kids yeah that's true kids yeah yeah kids like a bee you make a movie if you can make a movie you might as well make a movie I'm not I'm all for making a movie but it was just a weird choice right but hey to each is a bee yep Honey Nut Cheerios well that's exciting so that's this way I mean when the people hear this that's two days from now I'm trembling I'm in my apartment I got the hair brush I'm doing my clean set just back I'm timing it out you know I'm putting the suit on with with boxer shorts

yeah you're running the set around town I should be 15 sharp yes so I'm gonna run it next week pretty good but I have the jokes down I have the order so and it's one show each night two a night two each night yeah that's gonna be some pretty pennies and I'm gonna talk to it it's paying very well and I'm gonna talk to hammy Hamilton yes scoop wow that is so exciting oh unbelievable what you want is to graduate not graduate but get to some road gigs you can be in that plane with a because Hamilton's like you sit in that seat that's your seat and then on the road I think it's when you go to the movies because here they'll go back to his house but on the road it's like we go for a walk we go see a movie like that's gonna be something so you gotta get those road dates well

don't get me wrong I'm a big fat cuck I've watched everything he's done so I watched the Sebastian one and they talk about he's like yeah I'm a bad texture I get the information I get out and then him and Sebastian are hanging out all night and he goes you want to come over for dinner and Sebastian's like huh he's got like a mouthful of pastrami like uh it's gonna be my guess so he calls his wife you want to have Sebastian sure he goes to dinner that would be the ultimate go into Seinfeld's just to see the way he lives where the where the q-tips the sock drawer you gotta go to that medicine cabinet oh you better believe I'm not gonna see the prescription with fucking Jerome Seinfeld in there oh yeah find some magnum condoms I'm gonna be in that bathroom for an hour oh my god that's

exciting take photos of his pubes yeah but let's see that's the thing I feel like he hears this he's like oh I'll never have that guy over well I'm clearly joking Jer probably won't hear it all right and if he does it's flattering I guess have you heard a young podcast two whippersnappers and they said boy wouldn't you kill to be in Mark Norman's apartment I'd like to come on his wife's underwear yeah I wouldn't want them over here well you don't want them over there but you'd be like ah that's sweet I guess but I want to go over there oh that's a good point well you might invite him over it's not everyone's got some ego you know what I mean he's got ego so he's going hey boy this guy is gonna blow me I'll have him over so he blows me maybe I'll blow

him and his wife and his kids I'll blow your kids what do you think I like Steve Rogers I just want him to blow me I say come over he's shitting his pants go I'm gonna see list toilet I'm gonna smell his wife's bra you know a point he's not even fun to be around that's true and he's got a big hog he's blowing you oh yeah nice hog even more flattering let go my ego no funny comic bad person yeah he stinks uh just kidding he's got a podcast too ah who doesn't who's that guy Seinfeld Andrew Shavone or Shivia you know that guy Pavone no that's uh Pavone Alex Pavone he's from uh Canada uh yeah say I'm going to Toronto in February buckle up folks oh Toronto yeah have you ever worked Toronto I've never worked Toronto once in my life

I love Toronto I love Toronto I've never worked there other than with Louie yeah I did the arena in Massey Hall which is so insane that's like two legendary venues wait both there yeah oh wow um but I've never worked there on my own I get more emails than any other event saying hey come to Toronto but comedy bar seats 40 people right and then yuck yucks you gotta do a whole thing you gotta blow the guy but that's why I love my coos of an agent because I go get me in a Toronto and she goes maybe we can find a small theater she gets on it yes my agent he's on it but he can't quite get the the right deal uh-huh because it's tough but yeah fun city nice city great city it's the New York of Canuck and then I'm going to I'm going to Vancouver as well I love Vancouver what happened

there the comedy mix closed I'm going to do the yucks yeah that's a great city we're in a great hang there that time oh yeah one of the great comedy weekends ever you me Phil Sam Viter Carmen Lynch wow 2013 I believe yes February I had just been sober I was counting days I was like 60 days sober yeah I remember I was going to Conan right after yes that's right you were the first one of all was to do a late night I believe that was the big late night debut oh wow we went to the titty bar oh yeah we're bowling maroon five what no that's a band orange five that was the name of the strip club oh right right right five orange yeah we went to that titty bar boy that was a great time then we went down like skid row we saw people shooting heroin which was fun

rented bikes at Stanley Park who remember I was hung over you like come out I pushed through it it was with that seawall it cured me yeah I got a nice uh a nice photo yeah yeah yeah you were sober that's what I said how long like 60 days oh brand new now I'm gonna go this I'm gonna try to go to Sunnyvale and not drink once okay give me some tips I don't think I can handle it what do you mean I don't know if I can hack it wait a minute you go days without drinking you just don't drink of course but the road it's uh what do you call it uh tough no lonely isolating uh hard Pavlovian what's that that's the guy with the the bell isn't there a dog Pavlov's dog yes he did a thing where he rang a bell gave a dog a steak right and then after like two days he could just ring the

bell the dogs would water right mouth would water salivate yes much like a pussy when it gets excited yeah I've ring all kinds of bells I got a dry pussy in my house you gotta get a wind chime but either way it's Pavlovian I get on a plane I fall asleep Pavlovian on a road I want a cocktail and some labia well have a cola have a coke or something just don't just don't drink don't do but yeah I mean look who's talking waffle face I haven't had him dragging years that's true but uh waffle though I haven't a waffle in weeks either well you gotta for me like the the boot now I'm going to this with the diet change you gotta hit a real bottom and you gotta really be like fuck I need to stop doing this because I'm fucking gonna want to kill myself yeah I've never done the bottom

yet yeah you got no bottom so I guess I'm not an alcoholic I don't think you're an alcoholic I think you like to I think you like to drink this is very nice yeah I mean I think you ever said I mean you don't day drink I don't you know I haven't seen you drunk in a long time well I've been drunk I just I can cap it but I mean you weren't drinking last night no when I saw you I try to take the weekdays off but I'm saying that road it's like Saturday night I got a Sunday show I got nothing to do in the morning fuck it let's pour that tequila yeah I think you just gotta uh I mean you're very disciplined with other things with writing with exercise and you just go yeah just let me not drink today and uh you gotta go one day at a time and then you just go well tonight

I'll take the night off and I'll tell you those mornings when you wake up and you didn't drink you go holly god damn Louie I feel good yeah you feel fresh I'm starting to feel that now with diet I'm starting to be like okay um but yeah it's not easy you just gotta fucking you gotta click in there and be like all right this is what I'm doing I'm doing this right now yes but yeah it's fucking it's hard because you need a vice you gotta have a vice it's a bad channel but boy this is what I'm trying to say now with realizing it takes a million fucking Buddhist books and every day the meditation and the meetings and the whole thing finally I just go why do I need a vice what are you talking about you don't need a nice I'm like well maybe I'll make it working out will be my or maybe this

will be like why don't you just not have a fucking vice how about this no vice hobby a hobby well I got a lot of hobbies exchange them I read a lot of meditating you know whatever mandolin playing some mandolin but it's it is difficult but who is you have someone featuring you like the feature I don't know the feature I didn't I didn't recognize the pick uh well maybe uh you go back you try to write something you work on something you do extra push-ups at night you go back to the room I already told some queef I do his pod some local cook yeah get a pod going I think you just have to click it in there close that door on I'm not doing anything this I'm not drinking this weekend you gotta click in you gotta snap it in yeah you take take a weekend off

all right and then you'll like it you'll feel good I will feel good and if you're out in Sunnyvale and you see me drinking don't take a photo why's oh you got what are you in trouble well just because I feel like he'll I'm gonna come back here go hey I made the whole weekend and somebody's gonna post on insta ah geez and we we knew a comic who used to do that he would tell his wife oh I'm not drinking and then he does somebody we got can I get a photo you go yeah yeah he would do this oh yeah you can't get away with nothing no no no no it's a tough tough time to be out there but uh yeah you could do it just a couple days I'm gonna do it but one day at a time I've noticed that maybe it's the vice thing talking but every time I don't drink I'm eating milkshakes and uh you know ruby Tuesday

I'm at Panda Express I'm eating ice cream all day well that's what I've been doing for fucking seven years is eating all these cookies and candies and soda but we're aging out of it I can't do it anymore now I can't have the shit anymore and I got chronic fucking illness yeah and uh now I'm eating today I just went to the diner just now I had a nice fucking egg and cheese omelet with a side of broccoli ate some nice broccoli because I'm going low carb and I put butter you can eat butter and salt so I put a bunch of salt and butter on that broccoli had a big bowl of broccoli and now I'm changing my tastes and shit and I'm eating slow I'm doing a nice meditative eating 20 seconds per bite 25 seconds whatever the fuck and I was talking to my buddy

Diego he's a vegan guy and I'm like how do you feel full and give me this perspective of like well I don't I don't feel full in the meaning that you're thinking full because my meaning of full is eating a full chicken parm and being like whoo oh he's like but I eat I feel satiated he's like I have a smoothie maybe an oatmeal with some berries in there I'll eat it and then you just feel nutrients like coursing through your body and then you just go on you go out and you live your day for several hours then you get some more nutrients that's how we're supposed to be doing it I have the full same as alcohol sex food where you're like let me drink 25 beers the idea of having a beer and a half is fucking stupid I know it's not full it's not fulfilling

right right but it does what if you like a nice IPA you know on a hot day I do like an IPA but I also I don't like feeling like shit and having horrible relationships and getting in a fucking fight and hating myself and texting my ex so no no I'm not saying you should booze again I'm just saying like you say what's the point of having one I'm saying it's a good taste good yeah exactly those people I'm saying from my same with right right eating to fulfillment yeah this idea of like oh now I'm not full you have to change your idea of what full is but you're like I have three eggs with a piece of cheese and five pieces of broccoli in my mind I'm like I'm not full like right now I could eat a full meal oh yeah but you have to be like no you're full for now right you're full of

nutrients live your life and then next meal it makes the meals more valuable even yes valuable meal because you're like oh I'll get to eat again we have a piece of fish right right it's but it's tricky the road is a fucking unhealthy place and we're living an unhealthy lifestyle in general sure with the airplanes the time change the lack of sleep like I think historically or whatever the fuck uh evolutionary we're supposed to go to bed at the same time oh yeah we're supposed to like go to bed and wake up with the sun and like work in the field and like be home with another a partner yes but where it's unnatural to get on a plane every week oh get out of town and trying to keep a schedule and get there and fucking and then the meet and greet in the different city different

weather hell not even the social media that part's not even healthy that's not normal oh horrifically unhealthy so yeah there's a whole gumbo of just bad news bears cooking in a pot and we're we're consuming all of it yeah and again like this is why I'm renting a car on the road is doesn't like normally it's like I'll Burger King's I'll go to Burger King or I can walk here or I'll get room service yeah I'm trying to go and get some healthy shit but I'll tell you I've been eating these whole foods you start to feel good no you feel better and then you would the first time you break and go eat that chimichanga a you feel guilty and b you feel horrible physically yeah I just went to the diner just now and my my omelet came with toast and potato

and I was with my friend I was like you you eat the potato and then she didn't want to eat the potatoes so she's like should I take them off your plate and I'm like no no no I'm not let them just sit there I'm not retarded I did not eat a potato I was like I'll have a piece of toast and then she's like are you sure you don't want the toast the cut and I was like no I think it might die I can have one piece of toast all right I started eating the broccoli I was like I'm not gonna have the time leave the toast good for you and it's a lot of doing these things that you don't want to do that's what Alan's always talking about where I'm like I don't feel like working out and you're like he's like that's even more that's an even better time to work out yes because you have

to he's like you keep having this idea that you're supposed to be doing things that are supposed to you think everything should be pleasurable right now no no no it's like you got to do these things not because it's fun because you're supposed to do that here here or it's good for you yes I went to the gym today and it was paid I do 15 of a certain thing and after the first one I go I got dying to leave but you just gotta hang in and then once you leave you're like oh that was I did it I'm the same way and I talked to there Alan about it I'm like I don't even know what to do at the gym I'm not a gym guy I don't even know what workout I'm supposed to be doing he's like that's bullshit he's like first of all you could google a workout yeah they know he's like second of all I know

just do the one thing you know for an hour he's like you know how to bench press do a bench press for one straight hour yeah they got you and I'm like all right I'll bench press for an hour whatever we're looking for outs but like anything it's once you're doing it you're like oh this feels better but our instinct is to do the opposite thing yep yep of what you're supposed to be doing for whatever reason it's a sickness I told you I ordered a piano oh I just bit the goddamn bullet get yourself a piano you got a bench for a desk for it there throw an electric right up there and it's going to sit there and collect dust for six weeks but eventually I'll touch a key yeah what the fuck I'll tell you Louie can play the fuck out of the piano now yeah when this all

his whole thing went down I got a manly he got a piano and he can fucking play and he plays like Bach and shit Bach to the future he was always a pianist yeah he could really fucking tickle him all right those ivories it's it's a very interracial instrument oh yeah ebony and ivory well this is a weird app I hope people are enjoying it so we kind of went on a self-help jag there which I'm not against yeah I need I need help all the time but this diet thing I feel pretty good and I appreciate everyone's sending me all these keto things and diet things and it's nice and the reflex is getting a little better don't you hate though when you go somewhere and there's a there's a plate of cookies and everything in your body wants to eat that goddamn chocolate

chip and you just walk right by it well you gotta have the same thing with with booze is that thing of like uh that would be nice but even like a beer is not gonna kill you but that feeling of uh well it might but that feeling of like I'm gonna hate my art cook I should a cookie's a better example like a cookie's not gonna kill you but you're like I just don't want the self-loathing afterwards let me just skip that yes because that's what I do as soon as I do it I'm like I should have that cookie what am I doing right and it was like that with the waffle fucking addiction I wouldn't even enjoy it the whole time I'm eating I'm like right doing this is stupid and I anticipate that negative but I had a scuffle with a chum recently we had a bit of a what do you have belly who I

don't know what are you we had a yeah we had a little bit of a back and forth just a verbal and it got pretty ugly and we've got like two uh fuck you don't talk to me ever again oh my god it got pretty ugly I'm not gonna say who uh and you know weeks went by a radio anal and I go all right today I'm texting him day went by I never did it because you go I'll do it today and then you actually want to go do it you just go fuck that story of my life yeah I'm like that with everything in therapy everything he says I'm like all right I'm on it yes but this is what the therapist says Alan it's the same with the food and the booze and the relationships I'm like I'm suffering he's like not enough to do anything so you have to get to some kind of bottom with all

these things like a night because you haven't done enough to do anything yet where I'm like I'm stuck all I have is anxiety all day long and he's like well you don't have enough anxiety to actually change anything and that's how you get to the change is you reach some kind of bottomless pit where you're like let me try something yes here here so did you as it happened so I reached out and the whole thing is you go well what if I text him and he doesn't get back to me boom that's rejection what if I text him and he goes no fuck you I'm still mad that hurts too right and then so but if you get to that point you might fight again and that will be even closer to the resolution whereas if you don't do anything there'll be no resolution and again you're playing the movie

in your head and you're believing it yes you're reacting for him you're already in his head so now you're not just in your own head you're in his head boy you don't eat out anymore you're on your own well I have the tools but you need the reminders because you lose the tools every day I wake up my toolbox is in the fucking seller these immigrants they take your tools yeah so uh I text him and it was uh no response and then the next day he wrote back we're cool man we're cool and we're back okay cool it's good it was terrifying and then uh we we met in person and that changes everything well then you grow then you're growing then it's water under the asshole and then you got a nice it's better and we're back and then you got another notch on your friendship

dick exactly think about this I think about this a lot and I think about this when I have people that I'm like oh I'm friends with them now think of all your good friends at some point yes you were fighting you were at a mat you were mad with them every friend you have because it's almost like you're not close with someone until you have that kind of uh situation yes you need that situation same with a girlfriend until you hit her it's pretty neutral exactly you've gotta hit your girlfriend yes very important t-shirts I'm selling those next week you gotta hit your girlfriends I got excels or your boyfriend hmm we're no uh one trick pony's here we're very inclusive hit your or your non-binary uh cisgender hit your partner maybe that'll be the t-shirt I like that I just

work with a guy very funny nice guy smart guy he kept calling his girlfriend a partner and I didn't I've never heard anyone do that he's a cowboy well he's saying he's he's being gender neutral or whatever but I didn't I thought he meant like a business partner he kept me like my partner this my partner that right and uh I just assumed he was in business but uh pussy business I guess I guess so he's in the relationship business but um yeah and then I was like oh girlfriend then I felt like an old man I was like you your girlfriend and I was like oh I'm like the guy in the movie from 1956 who's like you know whatever I guess but that's a little bit of a reach I mean I feel like if you're a girlfriend out there I feel like most of them would go just call me a fucking girlfriend

yeah this partner is so uh what there's like a division there it's almost like not intimate but again we sound old I don't want to be the guy that's like you got a negro friend I guess dad what are you saying I'm like I don't know he's a negro isn't he like Jesus Christ dad we're not saying that get up but there's uh degrees here what are you gonna call her uh you know them next well girl is offensive because it's a woman and friend feels like it's uh under cutting or belly or underachieving out of the bridge because it is weird like I remember that was Sarah before we got engaged it then because it becomes weird to be like my girlfriend you're like I've been together six years you live together it sounds weird to be like my boyfriend I know but fiance sounds so

cheesy no fiance is nice it's friend of fiance it's french I don't know oh my fiance is over there right maybe the dingo ate your baby well that's my wife is nice it's like boom it's hard wife yes my and then partner sounds my wife weird it sounds uh I don't know what it sounds it sounds it just sounds like to me partner means something else there's no personal like to partner you're my partner well my partner in the podcast well co-host whatever buddy cop movie you know I work alone he's my partner fuck him or whatever I've never had a partner my whole career yes you know I can't work with a partner but then we can work together right or the partner died and he's got like a shrine to him and then the other guy comes in and knocks over the shrine he's like I'm

your new partner and it's symbolic and cliche and a shitty movie howdy partner yeah partner posie oh I love her oh really oh yeah we've talked about it I met her she's a cool cool she's a she's a she's a real number she's one of those she picks her roles she's in control of her life well that's what she that's a it seems like but then she has a whole thing about ageism and uh sexism so I don't know that she I think her narrative is that she's doesn't get booked oh is that right I saw a narrative oh boy narration but she's in some great stuff and she's terrific and hilarious yeah yeah she's and not not bad on the eyes that's what I mean ah well I think I told you that time I was on uh what do you call it bonfire and I was like to me like my like hottest woman is like Parker posie

they are all teasing me because they were all doing porn stars or whoever these like hot super models are and then it became like a debate of who's was the hottest then it became everyone put in 10 bucks and we'll vote and I'm like wait now I'm losing 10 bucks yeah that doesn't make sense I'm like there's no way Parker posie's gonna win I wasn't I'm saying she's who I'm into yeah she can't even get a gig I ended up losing 10 bucks no that doesn't make sense and first objective I'm like I'm doing half a gag over here like obviously she's like my number one she's not the number one no she's not even the number 100 no no not even 100,000 I lost the dough Soder won and he took pity on me and gave me my 10 bucks back well who did he pick I can't remember this is like embarrassing again number one I

don't know if I'm an old man or if I'm a good person but I don't know any of the people everyone's like I see boobily boo and bippity bing and bitty bing I'm like I because I'm not a porn guy as you know but they're like Pete Davidson's fucking uh jiggity goggity all these people I'm like I never heard of these I know Madonna I'm old yeah Sydney Crawford's around I think Jenna Jamison was one that I knew about and uh huge cans my number my hot chick people that I like are all journalists like Halle Jackson I'm like that's like my number one I watch it every morning at 10 a.m. yes I love Halle Jackson Kristen Welker and uh oh and uh Nicole Wallace at 4 p.m. I'm big ms mpc dude but they have that 80 percent of the line at desk but they're but they're sexy because they're

they're smart and they're dressed in like business suits and they're asking the president questions and they're also just beautiful people sure and uh yeah they're I just I like an intelligent put together a successful woman same I love put together nothing worse than a scraggly bro yeah and then power I just want to put their heels up my asshole and like make me recite the Declaration of Independence something something hot you know four inches and seven pegs ago I like a woman with money and smarts yes like got me by the tie just dragging me through her own shit yeah because then we don't have to do it too what well if they're smart and have money you can sit back a little oh right I'd love to sit back god I love a recline oh boy when I was a kid I had a thing for

Oprah come on well in the 90s she had a real fat run there yeah but I don't know well you know what it was my poofy hair and my mom was gone a lot I was I'm talking like seven okay I looked to Oprah as this maternal cunt right like I saw her as a I guess the the mom being gone triggered something in me like mommy issues uh-huh and she was so fat and maternally and she's giving cars away and everybody is crying she's always putting their their face on her bosom right I think I wanted her as a mom but then which translated into the boners interesting yeah wow that's puzzling it was very psychological I remember thinking that a little bit about Ellen early on like I can fucking Ellen you know because she was funny the shoulder pads yeah that's the weird bullet I've always liked funny and

that is good cool and I didn't know what a lesbian was I was like okay well whatever maybe she'll like me yeah well you look like uh Ann Haish uh she goes back and forth that haish oh really oh yeah she's Haitian um that's an that didn't make sense hey I gotta start to wrap up here I gotta I gotta go straight to therapy all right I heard that Ann Haish is a real luno oh yeah oh that's the rumor well I guess yeah I don't think she's great either oh really as an actor mm Ronald Reagan good as a lesbian I guess so she looks the part uh what she she's in Donnie Brasco there yeah I didn't think she was great in that she was in uh six days seven nights oh yeah with Ford right of the Harrison variety yes yes Harrison Ford I just read the entire Wikipedia page of Han shot first you know the

big Star Wars uh controversy yeah and uh Harrison Ford's quotes was I don't know and I don't give a shit like he's like I moved on I'm Indiana Jones I'm fucking Dr. Kimball I don't give a fuck who's what are you talking about you goof I didn't kill my wife I don't care yeah every outhouse bitch house port house bag house whore house uh yeah yeah he's he's fun they always say you gotta go to comic con he goes blow me I'm getting my mini plane and flying around the world yeah it's fun I love that yeah he's got an earring though that's a problem oh does he get rid of the loop there Harry ate the loop and they work boy apocalypse now just watch that how about this feeling we gotta we gotta go but how about this feeling this is like this is where the road is nice sometimes when I was in

last week I was in I don't know what the fuck I was Albany I come home after the early show Thursday it's just one show and I was like I'll go back to my room and see what's going on turn on the TV opening sequence of apocalypse now huge TV I go this is great I ended up doing instastories of every clip I was like I couldn't stop and speak that oh Harrison Ford reminded me of it but so exciting when you get back to the hood those are the little things you have when you're sober is you turn on a TV and you're like fucking apocalypse now's on a movie channel too not some AMC no commercial straight through you fucking throw your feet up and go oh I'm home free and you watch one of the great fucking masterpieces of all time the only thing better than that is

you get a meal cooking with it yes a meal snack but I know you can only eat leaves and dick I know I can't leave late at night yeah we don't have any food at all leaf or a vaterats pit hipster places yeah we don't have any like we don't have any meat or hormones or GMOs or any food whatsoever because you just sit on a leaf and then he goes yesterday I sat on two leaves I'm such a pig oh he's a check out Nick batter he did a live up by the way with Bert Krasher oh that's right the LA that's another one of the funniest people fucking ever Krasher on a live oh yeah Bert Krasher's on a fucking live episode we got him before he popped at the improv maybe we should do an LA one oh after Santa Ana maybe I love an LA one I'm going in January I'm going in after

Santa Ana we'll figure that all right we'll figure maybe we'll do a Jan all right so find your your vice folks and get rid of it go sober and sober might not be just booze it might be that uh twat of a partner or that douche of a of domestic abuser so figure out what it is and give it a quit yeah everybody quit something don't quit the pod I can't quit you no stay on the pod because we're really got a little momentum going here yes not after this up maybe it's exciting well this is a weird one this is like a very special episode yes special this weekend big weekend for me DC draft house I love that club we've talked about it before it's my favorite comedy experience Friday and Saturday and uh I want them to keep booking me because I love the club you'll get

some sellouts on a lot of gays in the DC I hope so come to the shows and then laugh boss in the week after that Thanksgiving weekend come to Friday our early show Saturday I want to hit one of these bonuses sell that fucking thing out it's a home show and I haven't been there in a long time so for god's sakes all of my self-esteem is riding on this weekend is the family gonna watch they'll probably come I'm sorry and then Cleveland hilarities December 5th through the 7th sour will be with me on all three of those dates actually good salmon over there and uh oh yeah I'm excited I'll get healthy there they feed you well and then uh Santa and we're gonna have to that December 13th and 14th I think that is we gotta make a choice on I feel like we should do stand up the first

night and uh pod the second and we could do a little bit of ball we could do 15 and 15 and a 50 minute podcast yeah we just sit up there together something like that that's not bad but come to that and then uh Houston and Lafayette December 20th and 21st I've tweeted those out check those out or email me for details I'll put them up in the insta story follow me on instagram suck your father's dick where you gonna be yeah thanks for the live app folks thanks for buying shirts thanks for coming I will see you in Santa Ana uh this weekend I'm opening for the big sign if he doesn't hear this wow then uh some fun gigs I mean uh Philly for a pop-up show like 10 tickets left Hoboken uh Medlin New Jersey look on the fucking interwebs for those tickets blue room hello

Portland Helium Sacramento San Francisco punchline San Francisco punchline yuck's in Vancouver I picked up a Vancouver date god damn it yeah side splitters in Tampa uh we're going to Seller Vegas in March April I think April is that confirmed or what oh shit never mind La Jolla outside of San Diego Gotham Comedy Club uh St. Louis Helium uh we're doing skanks in Houston together and we're doing moon tower so we're all over Tejas I know we got a lot of stuff coming up and it's getting bigger get on the patreon yes every fucking live episode Ari Shafir Michelle Wolfe Bert Kreischer Dan Soder we've been a patent on one no available we like a patent in there Jesus Christ laser yeah oh that Nikki one's amazing the honest one's amazing yes check out

Yannis's special on YouTube yes oh yeah listen to laughable laughable fuck yeah download the laughable app we're invested in that motherfucker and it is great I do use it actually to go look I shouldn't say actually I do use it yeah because it's great you look up any comic every podcast I've ever done is on there you got that right so download the laughable app if you're not using laughable you really are using podcast incorrectly yes oh we probably should have had an ad on this episode oh plug it in I'll plug it in later okay um yeah and uh follow Tuesdays with facts yes really fun and uh check out all those podcasts we mentioned yeah we got a Facebook page you want Starbucks Uber Chipotle Uber uh go to our websites and uh go gay it all helps thank you we love you

we appreciate it braze all out