Tuesdays with Stories! - #326 Hip Stinks

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

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hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy hello everybody welcome to Tuesdays with stories I'm Joe list that's Mark Norman here and together we are gay yes lovers gay lovers you got there I lovers is always was always a big one when they go this

is my lover you're like whoa Jesus oh that means it's torrent I think what is torrent like a torrent love affair I don't know I don't know what torrent means we always hear it or it love affair and a quarterback who's torrent you've not heard torrent lover fair you only hear torrent with love of that's true you don't hear with anything else yeah torrent fart torrent retard yeah so what is torrent then I think it's wild it's torrent we got to throw that in more look it up where's a torrent I really miss the up Shelby I do yeah I alright well I miss somebody looking things up I mean sure oh he's a scorn or torrid oh yeah

here it is torrent TORR ID wait that's a fashion maybe not mmm that's a fashion line torrid the hymen tour I'm gonna type in torrid love affair see what happens I'm excited love sick mmm that's like a thing you think I hear it oh wait oh here we go I've heard love affair there we go torrid if you're having a torrid romance that means it's steamy and emotionally charged oh it also describes something that's very energetic or something like you get a torrent act oh like Sebastian Bansalco is torrent he's torrent interesting uh-huh I'm kidding he's funny now something that is extreme emotional charge which is why people often apply torrid to love affairs there it is vocabulary dot

com all right let's throw it in the mix that should be a regular words a good word yeah so torrid is the actual definition a tour if you're having a torrid romance it means steaming emotionally charged oh this is the same website I guess all right okay so it's a officially adjective emotionally charged and vigorously energetic vigorously quote torrid jazz bands a torrid dance hot trumpets and torrid rhythms so gay porn is torrid um pretty sweaty and thunderous well not necessarily I mean you could have a a timid like a lame gay porn I don't know if that exists well I'm saying if you and I were just kissing and tweaking nipples with you know sure uh Chris Christopherson on in the background it might not

be torrid sounds like a great night is what it is it's like a Tuesday synonyms extremely hot uh there you go all right we got it torrid all right see back so I didn't like your torrid tone right there well get used to it at my grandparents house they had the dictionary up on a podium and it had a big light on it and my mom would I go what's torrid she would go I had to run over and stand on a little stool and go and that was back that was google boy you had some torrid grandparents oh they were cunts another uh synonym synonyms fun to say isn't it synonym yeah synonym in role also simile yeah that's not bad that's not as fun as synonym though no no no synonym um boy speaking of cinnamon rolls this sugar addiction is no joke

so I decided I'm like what's the way I was talking to Vecchione about this keto business you can't just stay in ketosis you gotta break it so I want to do a bit about this people were like talking about keto they're like yeah you can't shit like one side effect is you'll be constipated for a couple weeks sure and then they're like you better eat carbs before you go for a run or really work out though because you feel a little depleted I'm like are you sure this is healthy right you can't shit and you feel weak I mean that doesn't seem very healthy sounds awful yeah sounds like a side effect of a of a disease yeah exactly ketosis sounds like a disease it does I'm in ketosis yes it sounds like like a Stan Lee shit like oh no ketosis got over and now he's the incredible

Hulk that's a good point yeah he's just throwing you know grilled chicken at spider-man or whatever you eat on keto or fat shit fat bombs you can't have sugar and you can't have dairy I don't even know well dairy has sugar well you have cheese so keto is all low cut like fifth I guess 50 to 150 carbs is considered low but keto I think you want to be from like zero to 50 and you want to get your carbs from your veggies like broccoli veggies have carbs is that right but there's like small amounts or whatever you know broccoli contains small amounts of cyanide no kidding I don't know what cyanide is exactly can you give me a synonym for cyanide poison oh love that band yeah yeah yeah cyanide's a thing they fucking that was a cheap trick murder you with yeah yeah

exactly it'll ruin you but it has just been a little it's almost like uh what's that stuff called with the with the booze you pour it in trick to fed now you pour it in when you hang over oh uh Tylenol ginger bitter bitter yes yeah ginger's well they're fun yeah she was uh in uh Gilligan's island oh yeah and then there's ginger baker who died recently who's that he was the drummer in uh cream oh I've had that in my pants yeah I've had a drummer in my pants I don't know if that made sense I had a little drummer boy once oh we gotta fuck kids you know yeah well let me ask you I mean a youtuber I don't read the comments anymore because they're hurtful but I went to get a haircut this is what I had a 12 30 you look good thank you I had a 12 you got one too nah I had

12 30 meeting and uh golden so it takes about a half hour to get to set meeting I'm in Astoria so at 1137 I go I'm gonna go to my barbershop on Broadway in Astoria get a quick haircut jump on the train still make my meeting and I'm working on this thing where I keep all my life I'm getting places way too early because of anxiety I've noticed I'm so afraid to be late and I end up just walking on the block I always text you I'm like I'm here 90 minutes early if you want to do something right and so I'm that's like anxiety so I'm trying to be like uh more pragmatic about travel and be like you don't have to be everywhere yes now some places it helps go into the airport I'm like I'm getting there early because I'm not valuing my time elsewhere blah blah blah so I'm

like let me work on this about leaving a little later so I'm not spending all this time walking around especially in the winter aha so I leave early and as I'm getting there I'm like I need to be no line at the barbershop if there's any line it's gonna fuck me I've been there because I'll go from being super early to now late yes so I get there and there's like nine guys they're piled on top of each other because everyone wants their Thanksgiving haircut holiday hair they gotta go see their mother and their mother's gonna go what the hell you fucking loser right right so and haircut you can't do alone it'd be nice if you cut your own hair that could be that could be a new invention yeah I think some people do do it do do but it comes out like do do it's one of the few

homemade things it's bad you know usually homemade is good oh he's he's got a homemade ziti oh yeah homemade gravy you go homemade yeah I know what the family recipe haircut exactly yeah well that's like I was talking about this too but I should do this as a bit it never worked but the barber sometimes it's hard to do in a hurry because the barber will start watching tv ah the worst it's the only this never worked as a bit but maybe it'll work here it's the only like profession you pay someone and they stop to watch the two like you're never like all right you have a spot on your lungs check out this scene it's fucking Henry Hill whatever right Trump's on like he's just sitting there watching the television for like nine minutes I'm like hey what the fuck yeah yeah brutal they take

their time and they talk to the other guy and they go how are you and then you say something interesting they go get out of here you're like no no get back with the combing I never want to talk I just want to go don't talk just cut the hair I love the Armenian guy because he speaks no English he speaks no English and he invites you up into her room anyways I love cake so I go I go in there I go I can't do it and now I'm with Sarah she's on the way to the gym and I just have a meltdown this is where I got she's like what's wrong with you I'm like fuck there's a long line now I just gotta go I could have been at home for another 20 minutes now I'm just gonna get to the meeting a half hour early and fuck me so I'm like whatever I'll just go I get on the train I take my time I

get off and then I'm like maybe there's a barbershop near the meeting so I give it a google and there's a barbershop so I go all right so I go upstairs now I'm in Manhattan now for the most people don't live in New York if they're listening to the show the difference between a queen's haircut and a Manhattan haircut very pricey but I go it'll be a little more expensive whatever's clever Trevor it's like going from a bus station to an airport prices exactly so the meeting's 12 30 it's like 1207 okay pretty good window and the meeting is a block away all right one block on the other side so you're gonna kind of go up and around but three minutes five minutes well I get in there and it's a lady and she doesn't speak English I just go just to trim it takes five

minutes for the haircut starts ah you're counting those minutes she's like same style I'm like yeah yeah trim trim it up and she's like you pull it back and I'm like exactly like it is now except shorter there you go all right there's no nothing she's like number four I don't know the I never knew the numbers because I never had a wiffle or anything a wiffle she's like a yeah oh yeah we talked about it before you guys didn't use wiffle term I don't know if wiffle was just like a clean shave head that's what like Nate Bargatze had when he was unsuccessful oh yeah those are bad a wiffle bad wiff you know wiffle well I never had a wiffle I had a lot of waffles no wiffles but sure and we both wobble if they don't fall now but so I go I don't know the number just

trim it up you fucking cunt I gotta get to trim gash so finally she starts she puts on the clipper she uses a clipper then she it's one of these places it's Manhattan so they gotta do all the business oh yeah they want to clip you and powder you and shave you and then she does my eyebrows and there's a clock right ahead of me and I'm just watching it tick away now you know me and being late it makes me sick to my stomach throw up I want to kill myself yeah and so now it's just now you're just like whatever so want me to do your eyebrows I'm like do my fucking pubes because I'm missing the goddamn meeting anyway you might as well turn this into the meeting just talk to her yeah maybe that should do that my rock bottom was when I blew that kid on the

playground or whatever the whole thing yeah my eyebrows and I can feel they feel short yeah they look good I got a wiffle eyebrow I don't mind the eyebrow it looks good because I can't imagine how much longer it was before it was wild like the ends of them are gone a little bit yeah no brow in the end here folks if you take a look on the YouTube what the picture looks like your eyebrows are going in the army I don't yeah that's what I feel I feel like Gomer Pyle here but anyway so it finishes I gotta leave and then I feel guilty about this I gotta I gotta put it out there it costs 36 bucks my haircut in Queens is 16 so it was more than double the haircut wow you went from teenager to to you brutal teenage to adult $20 more and so I gotta pay

the credit card because I don't have the cash so I pay with a credit card and the big size is no tip on credit card cash only tips hmm so all I have is 20s I'm late so I don't have time to break the thing so I just went and I went you know what I'm paying $20 more hopefully they pay her well I'm not tipping wow no tip I could I don't have time to make the change it took way too long she did a great job but some of these things you're like I could have got this for 20 bucks less yeah and normally I'd tip if I had a five I would have tipped if I had singles I would have tipped but that's not on them but I had all it was 250 because I'm going to therapy uh-huh that's my therapy money and I don't want to crack into my therapy money if I do that now I gotta go to the

atm now my whole day is off kilter and I gotta hope that she gets a big chunk of that 36 did you say can you break a 20 there as per lounges well I didn't have time and all right oh right me and it was like a band I just ripped it off so I feel guilty I get it but at the same time they should feel guilty because the haircut shouldn't be 36 bucks I'm sorry I know the ladies pay four grand a haircut I agree but uh it is silly and that's it's a good looking snip but uh yeah that's high not a bad snip so I was 10 minutes back to the meeting but then again this is something I'm working on with anxiety and therapy like all right no big deal yeah I'm a little late I'll join in I'm still here whatever the fuck uh then I came here now I'm late getting here because I tried to

eat a salad you can't eat a salad fast now you can't wolf a salad you get the lettuce is flipping and flopping the ranch dressings in your eyebrow it's brutal it's hard to break down like a piece of chicken you can chew it three times and swallow it but that lettuce it just gets all folded up and stuck in your thing and yeah so I'm late for this I'm late for that I got an expensive haircut but uh whatever happy to be here in a few hours it'll all be water under the anal and you won't even think twice about it but I get it well one thing that's making me happy I can tell you these guys uh oh can I can I is that what it's called like I keep like I'm saying it wrong can I baby can I C A N N A E pro gear can I pro gear big fan well they're

the new sponsor and we want for you to support our sponsors and it's christmas time it's christmas gift season yep now these guys a lot of these sponsors they send you something to to fuck around with to play with so we can talk about it test drive a lot of it I'm like I don't even know what this is I give it to sarah whatever a hero I'm still clueless well this thing I strapped I'm stuck I'm gonna give it to Shelby as a christmas gift I gave it to my friend's mom but she's loving it okay but uh I strapped on this can I uh backpack oh yeah and I am loving it it's a beauty I've had every kind of backpack there is this backpack is serious and it has they have like military backpacks if you're a gun guy oh you got it anything you need not a fan of mine but still

you can uh you can put your guns in there this holiday sale is on now there's a holiday sale going on oh yeah you use the code Tuesdays you can get an additional 15 off I probably should read this from the top and not just the bottom well I'll handle the top all right you handle the top but use the promo code Tuesdays and uh they're they're inspired by military it's like military style backpacks wow trusted by secret service oh my god well it fits on perfect and there's all kinds of pouches and stuff and uh it's a killer backpack I got it on right now it's over here on the floor yes tell them more what they wrote there that's just from my heart yes that was a heart ad from the gut the silent re so uh I want to say they these guys were nice enough to give us

one now we fight over the duffel versus the roly I feel like this is a good marriage a night I love a good marriage it's a purse I had one perfect mix of the two you throw it on your back so you're carrying something but it's lightweight and you don't have to worry about it your hands are free I love this thing uh get gear of this high quality normally cost an arm and a leg but at can I you get the highest grade at a fraction of the price folks look at this it comes out of the military throw it in an aviator glasses a jeep wrangler and now you got a phalanx duty pack duty pack I love it oh my friend had a disease I had to wear a duty pack oh yeah not you you got constipation but the can I pro gear dot com that's c a n n a e pro gear dot com and use Tuesdays to get 15

percent off you hear that folks after the bombs they will only be you and can I pro gear the most durable backpack known to man I can tell it's durable I've only had it for a couple of days but it won't feel the durability durability yes durability torrid adorable durable yes Duracell yeah go use the pro too it's a it's a great gift seriously use the promo code Tuesdays get an additional 15 percent off and uh happy christmas I think I listen I've started listening to podcasts recently which just sounds weird about a time but um there really is it is great for christmas gifts yes or I'm not just listening to them like I'm on bobby's podcast we have our pockets we get ads you start hearing these ads and you're like that's a great christmas gift of course I'm grateful I

listen to podcasts just for the gift ideas and you get the discount it's great everybody wins hell yeah now I know I already I already did a little business there with the haircut I got a quick nugget I want to get this nugget out because this is a very special episode of Tuesdays with stories the people know because they've seen the photo yeah they've seen the photos of what went on this week they know what was happening last week so the people are eager to hear there's a lot of people hitting that 30 second forward button oh I hate the 30 second we're we're not these jumps who put the uh the the 18 ads up front either no we can't get ads we stuck at reading them but uh true have you noticed they changed it to 30 second forward 15 second back I didn't notice it used to

be 15 and 15 is that right so now to get the 15 you got to skip ahead 30 and then back 15 good eye there for you gotta do arithmetic yeah weird it's a little strange arithmetic but uh I guess somebody must have complained I guess yeah all right arrhythmia well I got a few things but I just I'll give you this one thing that's kind of fun but it's a nice little warm up nugget please you know uh yeah here comes a Denver nugget what's more of a DC nugget oh all right I've had those in my it's a dingleberry we call that so this is one of the things that uh sometimes I'll I'll do it does it work out or does it not work out sometimes in life things work out and sometimes they don't work out but really they work out because you just get over it and you die so I'm

going to uh I went to two hockey games last week Thursday Islanders penguins we wanted to see Crosby Vita and I but you got hurt bing about 500 people now it's his son Sid ah Sid and Bing Sid and Bing that sounds like a good uh sex position or a radio team that's what I was gonna go with I switched to sex for the last second probably better radio team I've done to death oh boy but anyway so we're gonna go he got hurt went to the game and then Vita you can tell like he what's the Crosby's out Vita doesn't like to leave his house no no he does not he's got dogs and a wife and something they look alike but get Vita he doesn't know how to use a podcast but so I could tell like he's like are we still going to this thing I'm like well I'm going he's

like oh yeah me too and you can tell he's just like ah jeez those are pretty good numbers right I picked him with a little visor on I don't know what's going on with the visor oh yeah he's got a pencil in his ear the whole thing he's a good advisor but yes yes great comic by the way he's got an album coming out Vita Las Vegas it's out in the spring make sure you a lot of great shit coming out by the way oh my too much shit it's a DC what do you call it wait what did you just say it's a DC Peter well shit oh and I said Denver Nugget it's a nugget we got a lot of nuggets a lot of nuggets Jessica Kershaw I don't know how do you say her name Kersen Kersen yeah no no S some people say Kershaw and some people say Kiersen oh sometimes you hear Kersen maybe it is Kiersen

let's go Kiersen it might be Kiersen that sounds better Jessica it looks like Kurson Kurson Kurson put a curse on you right somebody did like Kirsten but the starter special comes up December 7 and the wolf special comes up December 10th and then Vita will be out in the spring and then I got something cooking oh all right finally and then Sam tapes on the second it's a lot of jizz in this gumbo it's a long December and the reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last good band love the counting crows me too yeah they're very good better than the black crows but that I would agree I don't care for blacks yeah gross gross um okay so I gotta go to DC I'll go to the hockey we go to the hockey game Vita and I have a great time look out for his album

he's hilarious we go to the game nice game fun game whatever then Friday I go down to DC I got tickets for the Washington capitals game Saturday want to go see Alexander Ovechkin who's like one of the great players of history two bad team names if you ask me the capitals and the islanders islanders isn't bad but it's it feels tropical and now we're on ice well an island could be cool Iceland's an island Manhattan's an island yeah Staten Island my dad's an island sure island's in the sun island's in the sun stream stream stream sorry sorry streaming we closed the wedding with that it was fun oh yeah you were in the blackout at that point but oh god still over from that one make any of the photos uh you're in a photo I made it with one I was

sleeping on a staircase it's a couple uh what the hell's the basket case can I ask that that's a crazy wacko I know what a basket case means but what's the uh origin story I love that well get on it twitter what's his name oh Tuesdays is fax faxie god hates fax all right but uh yeah yeah oh shit I got a fast forward we're running out of time we'll go back 15 all right all right so uh she said she was 30 uh did that make sense kind of I got it all right so we're going to the capitals game they're playing the Canucks which is a slur by the way a little bit Vancouver Canucks they don't mind apparently no they're cool there's no you know New York heaps nope well they're out there there's not a team it was plenty they don't wear a uniform but uh maybe they do the waves

rug ones do they get the doily there in the head that's a good point uh so we're going to the hockey game so Sarah and I were going to the hockey game I got tickets off stub hub now when I can I get physical tickets I like mail me the tickets because I like to collect them they got photo on them I hate the digital bullshit there's no physical memory I'm with you so I ordered the tickets back in fucking December of oh six are you getting rates on this I feel like you you're a stub hub cunt you're all over they get you're out you're up the ass you're a stub hub chub well listen to this so this is all stub hub this whole story all right so I don't get any points not no miles or anything but so I get the tickets like three months ago I got them on my fridge then I put my

backpacks I'm like I don't want to forget them so I've been carrying them around for months feeders like you're crazy you're gonna lose your bag I'm like you're gonna lose your virginity if you get lucky finally ti check the hymen so I bring the tickets it's a Saturday afternoon Sarah and I were running a road race on Thanksgiving so we wake up Saturday morning first day we go for a run along like the National Mall around the mind we're like Forrest and Jenny out here it's quite a day Yades so we come back and I go all right let's go we we shower up we have breakfast at Lincoln's waffle house wow she had a little french toast because I'm like I gotta get some carbs in me you gotta break once a week or so whatever so I have a little toast I feel good

by the way reflux wise we walk to the game we get there perfectly on time 12 20 p.m 12 30 puck drop perfect wait through security we get through the security I give him the big physical ticket boop turns up bright red oh I've been there I know it says invalid ticket I go what the fuck and I go and usually if you print out a ticket or you buy him off a scalp or whatever stuff up is reputable and it's a physical ticket yes physical physical tick let's it says invalid red and I almost walked by anyways because the guy wasn't even paying attention yeah so he goes these are invalid he goes you gotta go to the box office so I go Jesus Christ we gotta go back through the there's no exit right there because no one's ever exit so you gotta battle through back

through the metal detector and all these fat fucking Virginia assholes are like what's up you're going the wrong way you're fucking so we leave we walk all the way around the building we get to the box office I wait in line there's a couple in front of us discussing whether or not they should go to the game how expensive it is the ladies like oh she's drunk she's like it's too expensive and the ladies like they won the Stanley Cup get out of here yeah you're already here so she leaves we get up to the window and I go hey I got two tickets they're coming up invalid and the ladies like well where'd you get the tickets I was like stub hub and she goes call stub hub she's a fucking cunt right away she goes call stub hub and I go well what do you mean like the tickets aren't

they're they're Washington capitals tickets they're from the arena like they're from the team and she's like you gotta call you got my stuff up call my stub hub you gotta call stub hub and I'm like what's the late the guy told me to come here right and she goes what guy I go the guy that's scanned the tickets he said come to the box office she goes well he doesn't know how it works you gotta call stub hub next oh I hate a neck and I go well hold on what if I bought him I changed my mind I bought him here yes what happens but she goes you bought him from stub hub you gotta call stub hub you're wasting my time wow you're at work or so I go what the fuck oh okay so now I'm living I go I give it the wave I walk back I'm like maybe I'll try it because I'm back inside the

security so I'm like maybe I'll try to scan them here maybe it was the guy's scanner I like that thinking it scans red invalid ticket I go what is going on here these are clearly real tickets he goes the tickets are real he goes go to window three they'll help you they'll tell you what's going on nice lady so now I go why doesn't this lady know about window three I wanted to go back over there go you ever hear window three you fucking piece of garbage you give these coos is one inch of glass they turn into the wicked witch I fucking hate this lady I hope someone dumps a bucket of water on her face yeah melting so I go to window three now it's a guy in a suit this is the season ticket line oh this is like the big time now this guy's got a jacket on he goes hi welcome I go listen

I bought these tickets love a jacket they're they're legit tickets I got them off stub hub they're coming up in val and the guy goes okay no problem this happens let me see what's going on he plugs in some shit he goes okay I see what's going on the seller also had them on ticket master because people just put them on all the sites yeah and they must have sold digital tickets and those cunts got there first oh so they had the cell phone ticket that they bought off ticket master then they mail me these even though they mailed me three months ago but they beat me to the game ah so it would have been flipped if we had gotten there a little earlier so is your seat gone yeah they're in my seat ah because this asshole this stub hub account sold four tickets when they

had two tickets they sold tickets twice these people gotta get in line there's too many outside Jews so this guy goes you can call stub hub they'll replace your tickets because they have taken all kinds of tickets they'll give you two different tickets I go I don't want to cost I want to get in there the game started yes I'm fucking I go do you got two tickets he goes I got two season take I can give you season ticket prices which are discounted because they're season tickets okay you buy a whole season he goes I can give you a little discount it's right before the game these are like season ticket resells will give you season ticket prices 49 bucks each now I paid 180 bucks for my tickets these tickets first row of the section because it's two sections

over but first row and it'll be cheaper than the tickets you bought wow so I go lay them on me I give them the credit card I'm like I'll work this out with stub hub later Sarah's like no cost I'm like fuck it let's get in there it's gonna be an hour on hold with some fucking queef in Iran exactly so I give him a hundred bucks I get row a in the second I'm in balcony we go up there now we have better seats there we go money I go at intermission I'm gonna call we missed a goal by the way which I was pissed they scored two minutes into the game so at intermission I go out I call stub hub and like we thought it took about 15 minutes to get through a guy he's like I can't help you I go someone's helping me there you go I bought these tickets I couldn't get in the guys like you're

in the game now like I bought my own tickets you son of an onion yeah stop up jump and he goes I'll give you to my subordinate or the higher than us what's the superior superior thank you yes superior race so he goes he gets me a guy from a bigger guy the guy goes I'll tell you what if we could have switched your tickets but since you bought your own tickets we'll refund we're gonna refund okay I'm sorry we're gonna refund silent refund 178 bucks whatever you spent on those ones and for your inconvenience we're gonna give you a $35 credit and I was like I appreciate that because I did miss the goal you gotta miss the goal so now we got better seats there's no one in the row we have the whole row ourselves front row in the balcony but front row cheaper tickets so I

got 70 bucks back from the original tickets plus 35 wow that goes on to my account and how about this clinker clinker already I go to the show that night and two guys two Tuesdays come and they go we were thinking outside the box of the gift cards we got you a stub hub gift card I never even heard of a stub hub gift card I didn't either I shit right in my pants took it out and rubbed it in their head like a little kid so now I got 85 bucks towards stub hub and they're like we listen to the show you keep buying four tickets to one game you're fucking out of your mind and they go take 30 take 50 bucks I got 85 dollars with the credit to stub hub and I saved 80 so this seller and they're like oh and they said we'll reprimand the seller oh good yeah they should get kicked off stuff they

should get suspended for a month at least from stub hub and reprimand window to twat well that twat I hope she dies but then I did a little bit of Buddhism and I'm like her life is probably miserable her ass hurts from sitting sure yada yada yada so it all worked out great game and I got to see a vet skin the whole thing but now I got with the jacket that shit drives me crazy you're wasting my time blow me thank he was great and it's just like that's how you do service yes public what are you calling a public service customer customer service yes you're on fire today with the word but alright so we're at 30 minutes I'm gonna it's what do you call that when you have an argument and yeah I'm gonna relinquishing back to you your honor another good word also

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lot to talk about lot to dissect please chime but here it goes I've got the whole thing mapped out because this is a smorgasbord of emotions it's a roller coaster of anal this is all over the place so as you know big date it finally comes to September November 21st 22nd that that is burned into my brain you know every day you go oh it's gonna be it's a week away oh it's four days away oh it's three here it is the day of thank god we did a pod because I got out of my head a little oh yeah we did the pod that day did the pod that day that's right and teased a little talked about a little because you know you're getting that head I'm in the shower just going like every sign for reference every thought every stand up every joke every July 3rd everything it's all

coming to a head tonight well that's good because you want to be connected yeah I want to be connected to it so that's good but the problem with connecting is you connect to the bad thoughts too right you know I can believe your story right right so you go long all right what if I fuck up what if I forget a word I mean all that shit I'm 12 13 years in I fuck up one word he's gonna go I thought this guy was better all that shit is playing in your head and then but what about the moment remembering comedian we know him so well it's so crazy it's crazy remember the commentary from comedian or he's saying every word has to be right and Jerry's like no it doesn't uh you gotta get that moment in there I wish I had that moment wow I could have helped that would have helped that did not

play in the noggin do you wish you could have had like I could have an earpiece oh we're like this you're doing great oh god put your hand down yeah you know something like that yeah yeah that would have been great stop saying renegade renegade rigged all right so here we go the hour comes gotta be there at 615 or earlier that's what he said Jerry comes at 635 this guy Kevin Docterman I don't know if he wants his name out there but he's his right hand man he's been with him since the show the tv show wow so he's his guy cool dude if he wasn't there this whole thing would be I would have slipped my wrist by now okay because he keeps you saying he keeps you on track when you start freaking out he goes hey hey focus yes so he must know how much this means

he's very aware but here they know how much it means to a young comic but they don't realize how nobody's more into Seinfeld than us I know like nobody nobody maybe donnelly can make a thing you know but we got the show we got the the hour special and the documentary comedians of cars the documentary plus the commentary yes we got it all in there plus like I got like A&E things up the ass I got a fucking Barbara Walters from 92 yes I read his fucking biography yes I gave it to you yeah sign language the whole thing read it all so by the way I met a young kid he's like I don't know what you're talking about with Seinfeld he's like I've never seen the show because fans are under 30 oh that's horrific I'm like you're gonna shit your pants when you see this program

that's torrid all right so here we go we go up there and and I got there a little early I pulled a list so I said you know what I'm gonna go to Chipotle and eat before the big show got it and it was just weird because we've don't we've gone there so many times it's in that upper west side Chipotle right on 73rd or whatever it is every podcast used to end by us going there so that that Chipotle means lots of but it was weird because I'm sitting in a suit I'm sitting Chipotle wearing a nice suit with a Rolex on eating a burrito bowl wow it's all very kooky everything is surreal the whole thing and none of it makes sense we're topsy turvy I go up to the beacon weird sold out Jerry Seinfeld like what the fuck is this it's cold out I go I go right to the back entrance

hey I'm marking on he was what Kevin Dockerman's waiting there wow come on in buddy how you doing good to see hey New Orleans guy he wants to eat the cold ah you know he's doing all that stuff super nice guy we go in he goes all right Gerald be here in about 20 go up make yourself comfortable opens that elevator old elevator you know you hit the ding and it opens and then you got to open the cage I love the cage now that cage was a big part of my weekend because you're just going up and down you're bored you know he's doing his hour you got to wait for him you're going up and down what's going on with the beacon what's the beacon like well that's the weird thing with opening with these big guys is you have the anticipation of them getting there then you're seeing them yes but then

you go on stage that's nerve-wracking then you see him for a moment after yes then there's that weird hour where they're just gone and you're kind of like I guess I'll eat some of the snack yes it's strange that's exactly right and but then you know like should I eat I don't eat too much and am I that guy am I the fat kid am I the weirdo am I sitting in his seat does he want the TV on you know that's too much right particularly with him because he's so particular exactly so I go up that elevator and you're in the elevator and it's just all say bono sting uh black Sabbath uh Yanni you know everything uh Stevie Wonder it's all the signatures so you're just surrounded by like history of entertainment you're like oh my god I'm in this elevator and brilliance brilliance so I get in the

elevator the guy it's a little like uh he looks like the guy for royal tin and bombs Bogota oh yeah perfect elevator guy casting little guy brown barely speaks English yes yes hello you try to talk to me he's like I don't get anything you know he's that guy because you know when you're you're freaking out you're trying to relate to any you're talking to the garbage man like hey listen to this shit well get to the moment you're like I gotta talk to somebody let me get a dialogue going like I'm in that it leaves for the second exactly so you go up to the seventh floor gate opens you walk out beautiful green room cool small but you know decked out fruit snacks tons of bread all this juice stuff like holla bread or whatever that is and uh yeah it's all money and uh I sit in there and

I'm just like I'm just freaking out I'm in my suit freaking out like should I sit like this should I sit like that yes finally and every minute it's like you have spidey sense or you're on meth you know like every minute is an hour right and you're not you're not bored because you're so freaked out that you're never I could sit you know and stare at a wall for 30 minutes and I wouldn't be bored because the whole time I'm going he's gonna come the shows of this time I gotta do this joke you have so much swirling around that there's there's no time for boredom you're freaking out big swirls lot of swirl so finally he comes in and you're picturing it what it's going to be like but you can never predict it's amazing so he comes in he's got the the suit on and he goes oh man

here you go how you doing man good to see all right what do we got two tonight man my wife is uh and you're like oh this I'm in it this is happening so he shows up in the suit shows up in the suit wow that surprised me yeah and he's like uh yeah yeah my wife had a big dinner party who lucky to get out of there I was like oh yeah and then you're like hey hey stop out of me you're just going like you want to just stare at him like it's a zoo now hold on so what kind of greeting was there any greeting was he like hey mark what's up mark did he say did he say mark he says mark wow I know I know I love what he says my name which sounds okay that's so crazy it's crazy and he's like hey Kevin Kevin's like how you doing boss he calls him boss it's cool it's crazy to me because he's in

the car anticipating seeing you I know like in his mind he's like all right mark Norman's there I'll say hi to mark yeah exactly it's so wild but he's got a lot on his mind and he's like ah Netflix and you know he's taking the jacket he's undoing his tie you know he's got business he's dealing with he's a megalom what he called a mogul he's a mogul oh he's an icon an icon and a mogul American icon iconic mogul yes doesn't it feel like these guys when you first work with them if he pulled his dick out you just start blowing them he was like suck my dick a little bit you're like all right you can leave the door open we could we could film it I'd still blow yeah you just kind of be like all right which by the way this is how it happens in real life I'm a serious note the

white size and such of course I guess I'll blow him yeah the power it oozes off of him and but he's so normally so one of us he's just like the first five minutes as I say I'm shitting myself and then it's completely normal yeah you settle in he's settle but then you feel guilty about how am I settling am I a sociopath why am I not freaking out again you're like oh because just that's how life works everything becomes a norm no he's a guy well a McDonald he's a guy and it's like he talked about his quote is when you meet a comedian you go through 10,000 things you have 10,000 things in common right away right yes so I'm quelling doing sign for I'm quelling going yada yada yada it's all I'm sitting on all of it right and so we talk we were having a good time and Kevin goes oh yeah

you're about to uh yeah you got to go on in like five so my god let's go down and I'm in the elevator yeah I'm doing my special and he starts talking to me from his green room across the hall into the elevator I'm sitting there with Bogota so he's not taking the elevator with you no no he's staying behind he's doing his shit he's got 15 minutes or whatever 20 minutes till he comes on now is there a monitor that he can see and hear yes oh hey the monitor but it was off when I left so I remember I just kept telling hey maybe it's still off and just got to go with it because he'll freak out so we're talking about specials he's like you watch that go yeah that was pretty good blah blah blah we're and now I'm kind of like thinking I gotta go man like this is

your show but it's a weird dynamic because you're like I he got into it right like I gotta go now so that's fun I've had that with Louis too we were like I kind of got to get ready to go here and it's like it's your show I want to do well for you I'm gonna fuck up your show exactly so Kevin said we got to go we got to go but it felt good like he wanted to talk so much that it was almost making me late so that was exciting so it's the little things like that to keep you going it's it's not really like you think he's gonna get you in a headlock and nuggie it's those things right but you gotta connect to the fact that he wants you there yeah he likes you gotta keep being like it's like I feel like my marriage I'm like she committed she likes me she likes me

right you know you have to be like he's a fan right yeah but you know we don't let that we hard to sink you can't pierce this wall of insecurity we have very strong strong wall it's like someone just said this at the meeting I was at what's like your brain the function of the brain is to solve problems sure there's no problem your brain creates a problem to solve here here so your brain is like this is your mind and soul is like this is amazing your brain's like wait we got to figure something out yeah you might hate you right how do we figure out what do we do how do we handle him hating us yes I see you're like all right what should I do come on brain that's exactly right and he doesn't hate yeah you're just you got a dumb gay brain

which I think is also why these artists and geniuses are all so fucking depressed and weirdo and and like to fuck kids or whatever they like Michael Jackson or Steve Jobs they're all assholes because they got too much thinking yeah there's a lot cooking up there yeah so they're just eating their own bullshit but also by the way their parents probably horrible sure Michael's dad beat this not out of them that's true that's true but so all right I get down that elevator gate close we go down I'm like oh you know you're kind of freaking out in the elevator a little like not only about about to do a sold out beacon but I just talked to Jerry Seinfeld in his green room I've made it yeah and then you also have the moment that you haven't been thinking about you said because

you've been talking to him I know so now you're like oh shit I gotta do a show yeah and you can still eat it right of course every show you do there's still a chance that you fucking eat it completely and uh yeah the whole thing's kooky I'm wearing I'm well I went to Cole Hahn about a couple hours ago on a good good shoe that's my shoe yeah oh you like a coal well that's where I got my shoe for a letterman I just happened to get it I'm not like a Cole Hahn guy but that's where it ended up getting the shoe yeah they're good how about the shoe he goes that's a good looking shoe okay they're on sale yeah that feels good that feels good it all feels good so uh go downstairs and they do a little you know meet all the grips I'm a big grip guy I love a grip I know it feels

good because they're regular people they're regular I'm a regular so I feel connected more to them than I do to him obviously sure you're a lot closer than that guy that you are exactly so I'm hanging out with the grips we're chitting we're chatting super nice guys salt to the earth and so Kevin goes out there he goes on a little god mic he's got his uh what do you call that little uh sheet music thing uh music stand thank you and he's got all my shit on it he's like ladies and gentlemen blah blah you ready to see Jerry so you know and then he goes all right we got a special guest uh one of Jerry's faves or whatever uh might have seen him on a late night circuit or his company stuff but Mark Norman I go out there and uh I just you know I stand there and I deliver

and it goes well I got the girlfriend there I got the agent there I got friends there whatever and uh goes well goes good that's good and remember oh 15 minutes no clock no light and Kevin kept going don't go short and if you gotta go long at least stop at 17 anywhere from 15 to 17 is where you want to be yeah because that's important to explain because we know that from Ryan Hamilton right I don't know that our audience knows this that's very he's very particularly doesn't have a clock on the stage right and comedy normally there's a light at some point to let you know or there's a you know there's a clock on the thing it isn't what you look at your watch either right he's very particular very particular so I in my apartment

after you left by the way after the pod I just went back and forth iPhone timer set stop watch set just set it over and over pausing for laugh hopefully right it came out to about 16 okay so I was like all right I think I'm with it I did that about you know 50 times sure so go out there goes well do a call back at the end boom bing bow that's a lot I come off he's standing there lights go out lights go back up and he just runs out right he goes right into it I mean he's just like can you believe these fucking fun he doesn't say can you believe these phones and uh and they're just ah they're dying right away wow he doesn't give me any no how you doing folks how we do about nothing right boom and the act is tight as a drum it's years and years it's like Louis said with

the samurai sword just banged away smooth killer lights out a million jokes we're like oh that's brilliant oh how'd he come up with that oh and I went I had my big moment I'm like I'm I did my part it went well right and I walk behind the curtain curtain like the last curtain he's on stage there's a curtain I'm behind that just going I'm here I did that he's on stage I open you know the whole thing well that's always crazy too because I've had that before where you're like I'm on the same stage as him right now yes exactly there's a curtain there yes but you're standing on the stage yeah completely like you're just behind him there's a curtain whatever you call it protecting you right but you're standing on

stage at the same time as Jerry Seinfeld I mean if we got tickets to that show it'd be fun right behind the curtain I'm 10 feet away from right we'll be pushing each other in the bushes yes I'm hearing what's the deal with and phones are weird and all I'm like oh my god I'm in it babe I'm in the womb insane insane so that was the first show I watched the whole thing I'm sitting there with a chair just like you know listening I want to hear the hour and he gets off he goes all right all right here we go we get in the elevator together wow we go up we talk about the set I go this is when I go real comedy mode I'm like did that you you say Iraq now you say Afghanistan he's like Afghanistan hits harder I'm like oh he's like you knew about iraq like yeah yeah I know the

act that's always exciting so he knows that I'm a fucking dork right in there but he loves it he loves it because he's a dork sure and we start talking about acts and he's like everybody's hip now enough with hip everybody's trying to be interesting and it's a victim off and that I'm like yeah yeah and he's like you're not hip I'm like I'm not hip he's like I'm not hip either no hip love love not being hip fuck hip funny is hip hip stinks well you know be be socks yeah there you go look at that ankle ankle porn so uh patreon now I'm riding high set went well hang is going well we're laughing the jackets are off the sleeves are rolled up we got a we got a half an hour 45 till the next show starts I'm eating fruit I'm eating almonds I got a coffee going I picture you

like George with Tony yes I was totally totally George so we're having a great time I can't really talk about because it was all a whirlwind second show I got this I've done it before easy peasy go up killing you know first we'll go down the elevator go on stage you got the whole thing down killing better set better set now because I'm a little looser and a better crowd I'm sure a little bit better than nine right seven and nine seven and nine thirty okay nine thirty is nice nine thirty is very nice but it's all jews out there it's all yama because as far as the eye can see right right and uh so whatever do my closer get off come back stage or you know side stage nobody there no Kevin no Seinfeld what huh wait so you say good night you come off and Jerry's not

there not there oh my god freaking out I've ruined it everything is ruined it's all for not all of it all the good will the good set the good hang shit he likes my shoes so what do you do so you're come off there's no one there's like a grip or something there's a grip like playing a ching ching ching ching on his phone it's like noises come off his phone at what moment walking back do you see no one there like are you still on stage where you're like wait what no no no because it's so dark so you're kind of like you have almost to get an inch away from a guy okay and I get back there and I'm like huh huh and I do like the belushi you know uh sidestep like what the fuck and I go what do I do what do I do I'm I'm in a panic like this is no joke no fun

time like what the fuck do I you know like oh my god my heart is pounded oh it's crazy so I was like what do I know one guy you know these guys don't give a fuck they got he's got like a match in his mouth he's eating a blueberry muffin he goes yeah you gotta go back out there what that's what he says he goes you better go back out there and I go all right and I run back out and I go hey folks you did an encore I had to I didn't know what to do I panicked oh my god a sign fell open encore so I run out there and I go hey folks well and they know they're like oh boy like they can feel it holy shit and they go uh I go well uh I probably won't be uh working here again oh my god and then I go because I'm like do I do a bit do I do two do I go so I do two bits

and in the second bit some guy in the back's going Jerry what Jerry he's pulled the daryl strawberry oh my god so I'm like ah so I want to go hey fuck you you chuch get out of here he wasn't back there but obviously I can't do that you know I can't even curse so I just plow through and I go big joke at the end and I just run back off lights go out again and he's there and he just blows past me like I don't even want to look at your oh my god ah maybe you didn't know oh no I'm upset the king oh my god and so I go up to Kevin I go Kev big daddy talked to me he goes oh this is bad this is bad what happened what happened he's doing the what happened I'm like I did the same set same jokes and he's like oh this is bad he wasn't here he's like look just

deal you gotta figure this out but I gotta do my thing now he he puts his headset on he's doing stuff he's on a laptop see this is what upsets me it's like why can't you just have a light just have a stuff ah it's crazy have a clock have someone in the back give you a little light have a digital clock so they don't fuck up also just be down here I know I know you're the best you're the greatest the show the whole thing I mean I'd blow him for fun on a Tuesday but it's like just help me out yeah I think in a weird sick way it's a test it sounds testy something I hate tests hate attesties don't like a test hate a quiz the whole thing yeah pop so I am just ruined I'm up I go up in the elevator and I go oh man I'm trying I'm talking to Bogota again he doesn't

know what I'm saying I go ah what happened he looked pissed he was oh yes pissed pissed I go oh Bogota even he knew come on Bogota well he probably in the elevator go on what the fuck is this piece of shit doing yeah I think what the fuck are you doing you little piece of shit reference I think he was banging the walls and you're like is he getting off is he getting off he like Dr. Ben Kevin he goes he saw you run back out and he was like what the fuck is he doing he was serious but the run back out because I made an executive decision it was all wrong I wonder if part of it was charming to him that he's like oh that's sweet he's going back out there what a little dumb dumb like kind of like oh he's uh clueless he's trying sweet because I'll tell you

I've had this feeling twice in my career I've done the exact same thing twice but not with Jerry Seinfeld once with Goldman in Minneapolis and it was like that where I said good night I was like here he comes Gary Goldman I introduced him yeah and walked off and I walked all the way upstairs and he was like what the fuck are you doing here and I was like I brought you on and he's like what but he wasn't so pissed and then I did a practical joke was at Radio City Music Hall I came off and they were they weren't even there also I was like what are you doing that's a big one it's a horrible feeling because in your head well you did the right time but in my head I was like going short is better than going long sure because everyone wants to see them so I gotta get out of here right

but doing it with Jerry makes my like I feel nauseous hearing about it I can't even I mean we're squeamish squirrely weirdos already after this because our whole thing we talked about ago that clock aren't you worried about the time and I was like of course I'm worried about the time and it happened oh my god the thing we were the most worried about happened and I just like should I walk around the block you can't sit down you know so I'm in the green room just pacing pacing like what do I do I'm pretty much thinking like okay I fucked up he gave me a shot the biggest guy in comedy gave me a shot and I blew it I fucking blew it I don't think I'll be working tomorrow I think I'll figure something out and if he does let me work tomorrow it'll be awkward

and he'll never see me again okay kind of thing that's where my head's at so I want to talk to Kevin so bad but he's busy so I don't give I don't bother Kev so I go back down the elevator kink kink kink there goes the gate go back down but go to he gave me the bad news and I go up to Kevin one more time he's got a headset on he's like doing shit and I go what do you think I should do he goes this is what you do and he's pissed or he's like stop bothering me a little bit right but I had to know I had to get some information he goes he saw you go back out there that was bad I've never seen that before I've been working with him no one's ever done that I go oh shit you don't want to be original in a bad way yes you know so I go fuck all right he goes

he's probably gonna say something and after he does don't bring it up again ever and I go done so I just sat there and waited and waited and waited he comes off he kills thank God comes off and he goes right up to me and walks right by me and I go ah boy and the the the standard procedure is he comes off we all follow him we go up the elevator together and yuck it up okay so now the second show is over he comes off and I'm following him and he just turns abruptly and goes hey dead eye contact and he goes you're all right but wow don't ever go on stage don't ever go back on stage again ever like drill sergeant wow I was like I mean dad angry dad finger in the face don't ever go back on stage ever and I go won't happen again so sorry I fucked up and he goes

all right gotten his suv and drove home well it is weird because they're expecting him now and then you come back out again of course it's like an encore it's very bizarre yes and some Long Island cunt yelled Jerry I mean I'm already fucking up now you now he's heckling me what we're all thinking I mean it was it was like my own brain was talking oh the whole thing so I go home the I come back to the lady I pour everything out on her she's like oh boy that's wild I stayed up till five in the morning sitting here just going head and hands like fuck fuck you know when you want to replay time all you want to do is turn back time if I can turn back time that's all you want to do all right I gotta wrap this thing up so uh freaking out go to bed I drug myself I go to

bed I wake up the next day and I'm like it's a new day it's a new life I get a lot of breakfast with the gal or whatever no I don't it's uh it's a Friday and he's at work he said you're all right he said I'm all right so that's something I mean that was nice of him yes that was nice because he could have let you fester he's like you're all right don't worry yeah yeah yeah yeah thank god he had a good set so whatever I wake up the next day at like noon because I stayed up so late wake up the next day at noon I look at my phone text from him oh yeah that's could go either way the text is from 11 I look at my phone at noon so I'm already like oh shit I've been answering for an hour somehow the text from Seinfeld is bigger than all this to me well that's personal I mean that's so insane to me

being a green room's like you got a gig right we got work but like he's like let me reach out to let me text Mark I mean that to me is like the most mind-blowing it's weird how little things end up being like what that's that's a good point yeah it's so weird to me so I open the text uh hesitantly hesitantly sure okay hesitantly with some hesitation thank you and uh it says check this out and it's a video of a car guy and I go oh that's huge huge because now you're equals now we're equals so I write oh I watch the whole video like it's homework I watch it right away I don't I don't really give a shit about the video right but I watch it and I go oh this guy's great he goes I love this guy I go yeah and I send him a video and he goes uh all right how is it

I'm busy but how is the video I go it's great it's great and he goes see you tonight and I go great turns out he was doing reshoots at the beacon for his Netflix special wow so he was doing stuff and texting me that's unbelievable so already I feel way better I'm back in the mix a little bit here all right I fucked up but he doesn't he's not thinking about he's busy he's gay the whole thing so show back up I get there at five fifty eight okay I ain't fucking around I see Kev we don't bring it up I go in the green room I just stare at my notes I'm just studying I'm not I'm not pulling a phone I don't feel like I earned a phone all right no phone no phone no nothing he comes in 635 right on the dot I heard that elevator gate open like I can hear the cage yes I know the cage

sound squeaky metal yes he comes in and he goes hey what's shaking Norman all right whatever you know and I'm like puts his jacket on the hanger as he always does and he goes uh can we talk about comedy can we talk about your act oh my god yes sir you know I'm a private you're the kernel of course whatever you want I'll do push-ups sure so he goes uh all right you don't move at all up there you're not moving and I go oh yeah yeah I'm a joke guy I just I don't want to fuck around I just want to get the words out he goes that's no good you're all words who cares he's like get it's a theater it's a giant stage he's like look at that stage point of the TV look at that stage that's a big ass stage I go yeah yeah it is he goes use it use it you have no domination up there you got to

dominate oh I love to be dominated I don't dominate I'm not a dominator I want to eat my own cum yeah so I'm like all right all right fair enough yeah I'm like I do I do move around in the clubs a little he's like really okay well just apply it and do it bigger here and I'm like yeah and he's like big movements but it's a theater and I go yeah yeah okay got it this is a huge colossal understanding big yeah so and then he goes uh you do a little giggle after your your jokes and I go the giggle yeah I hate the giggle I know about the giggle I hate the giggle the giggle's a tick and he goes oh good I go I I'm not laughing at my own oh he goes oh thank god I think you're one of those laugh at your own joke guys I'm like no no no no the giggle is a is a is a is a bad thing I hate it I'm working

on he goes okay great so then he tells me something else that wasn't you know like you got a booger or something and so that was fine I think that that was kind of like my little punishment right right a little recommendation and we were closer after that it almost was a good thing sure yeah you know you know sometimes you fight with a guy and now you're closer yeah it felt like that and now we're having way more fun now I'm looser he's looser doctor man is out he's like oh I'm letting these guys roll oh love when the doctor leaves get that doctor out I don't have health insurance you son of a bitch give me jerry to myself go to Canada so uh hey set hey doctor hey you're up dormant all right cling cling cling door opens I go down the elevator and I go all

right he said move around he said lose the thing okay lose the giggle I go out there and I chris rocket hey you fucking faggots how you doing all right here we are I'm on one side I'm on the other I'm whipping the mic cord I'm kicking I'm cackin I'm doing all that I'm canned canning I'm doing one of these for all the bits you know and I'm killing killing he was right everything said I applied and he was right wow killing I ended up doing longer because you know you're hitting harder right after longer best show of the week now oh holy tits get off stage he's there thank Jesus right and uh he's there and he goes good set mark very good set and he walks on I was like oh there's nothing better you're back boy the ups and downs strikes and gutters you have no idea

unreal I got some idea you're telling me I mean but the feeling I say something man holy hell and then Kevin he's doing this one oh all right kev I wasn't sure about kev oh good he's to get the good intense kev is good so I'm trying to push through here so he goes uh he goes uh well that was night and day he's like I thought you sucked oh wow Kevin and hell I did suck but now I'm loose I'm being more me I walk out oh also a guy's phone rang in the show oh p you what is that why doesn't he use yonder they should all be using the yonder I mentioned the uh well they're old-fashioned he didn't even know what yonder was the yonder years yes so but I I had a moment of like oh shit a guy's phone's working I gotta handle this so I go what the hell's going on here and I pulled

a jar I go how big do you have to be we're at a Jerry Seinfeld sold out beacon there's still this douche and it's killing wow like there's one at every party you're ruining this this is all I got you know I went in on the guy sure which actually uses a good minute you know yeah why not so now now I'm definitely in the clear time wise so I come off good set good set he goes out there rips it wraps it comes back out great hang upstairs hanging out having a good time it's all forgotten under the anal so second show took his advice again killed killed come off and he goes I love that porn joke now we're doing all right it's about the act so uh he goes out there and he that was the set of the night or set of my night then he goes out and murders and we were all going

out a late show here we go and they were great wow and uh so he comes off and Kevin goes he's going to sign a few autographs then we're going to get in the SUV SUV you sit in behind the driver he's going to sit behind the pastor I'm going to sit in the front seat I go yes sir once again in the car is like a bigger deal to me because the rest of it's gig yes that's a gig you got a gig it's exciting it's thrilling you're in the green room of course you're in the green room you're doing the gig right but the car and the text that's where it's like mind blowing my mind is blown you're in the car with your seat belts on we're sitting this far away oh my god we're driving through Manhattan I'm looking at him he's going ah can you believe that thing and that guy got a

special and he stinks and I'm like yeah yeah crazy and we're laughing I go remember that one bit you had about the guy with the the can the cannonball and he's like oh yeah wow I was like that's a good bit he tells me it kills in the car wow the other guy Kevin so we're hanging we're hanging out he made fun of rock a little bit which was classic and we pull up to this tiny hole in the wall on 9th Avenue right by Port Authority Capizio or something like that oh the town looks like something out of like the godfather when they go to Sicily sure and the guy goes he's got the chef hat must it hello mr. Jerry come on we got your table he goes ah Benicio good to be here he's loose we're loose the work is done he wouldn't let me eat all night he wouldn't let me he's like don't eat

don't eat I'm like I'm having an almond he's like put that almond down oh my god all I can think about is my keto diet with the reflux I have to be like I can't eat sugar I can't eat sauce I can't eat after nine oh that would have been bad yeah I'd be like give me some almonds and a slice of turkey oh because he goes is there anything you can't eat and I go I can eat everything he goes good oh my god that would have been ugly oh geez but you sit down there's the antipasta with the cheese and the mushrooms and the different the portageu or whatever the hell you call it uh what do you call that meat the thin oh be sure to prosciutto so we sit down we pours a red wine and we just chat it up and he gets a little toasty if I don't mind saying no and that's when it really the sleeves

came up and we're we're we're zinging and zanging so much that kev had to pull back and he went we got a photo photo got a couple because we were in it but kev's good kev is good you came around on love the kev love kev he's taking photo that's the texture of the photo oh yeah wow good kev I'm gonna send him a fruit basket that boy kev basket case he doesn't need your fruit nah he's doing fine so yeah that was it we leave I'm a little tipsy myself we get out of there we've shaked all the cooks hands because they killed it he doesn't he didn't want these like something's missing and the guy's like what what you know the chef's on on his heels like what what what what he goes this isn't cheesy enough I want a commercial I want a boy and the guy goes I got you Jerry I got you

he goes back makes a cheese pizza like eight seconds oh my god Jerry it's the cheese we leave they kind of throw us out a little bit Jerry it's the cheese we're having that's a shirt right there Jerry it's the cheese is a beauty I'm not gonna give it away any nuggets because I don't know what he wants out there but I will say he kept putting his head in his hand going all it's about is killing you see that you see that everybody go oh you don't have any new material oh it takes you forever to write new material I'm killing killing they're all gonna tell their friends word of mouth is the best thing blah blah blah blah blah I don't do social media I do any of that shit killing and he goes killing equals cash and he's like pounding the table killing equals cash and I go yeah yeah

and the whole time I'm just going remain eye contact keep eye contact because I'm so bad at eye contact but I don't want to let him know I'm a fucking lunatic sure so we get out of there we're on the sidewalk it's freezing out I'm in a suit no jacket I don't have time to feel cold and he goes you're gonna be all right and the guy swings his door open I go don't worry about me and he goes let's do it again wow let's do it again you got that right Jerry it's the cheese yes oh boy cheese no what do you you walk home your bike oh what happens I walk right down to that subway I take my Rolex off and I put it in my shoe yeah you better dangling and dangling in the light that way you can throw it in the tracks who gives us that's true you can burn it all down now

you got that right and I wait for that 12 minutes for the AC what do I give a shit I got all the time in the world certainly so I meet the lady we go out and get smashed and we just get shithouse and we wake up at two the next day I'm wildly hung over and it was all worth wow boy oh fun laugh I got out of them at the end of the night I last show I go oh where can I set up my merch that's fun fucking lost it oh that's fun love a good merch bit I love a bit too where he goes like oh yeah there's like what do you create oh right yeah that's good stuff that was fun wow what a tale what a week thank you unbelievable what a pod tell your friends and we got we got shirts and sign up for the patreon for god's sakes I mean we're gonna we got some extras up there a lot of

new patreon oh yeah all the live apps are on there and uh and and killing equals cash I mean I'm about to fork it a little over for pbs um yes yes pussy bitch and slut here I'm up to 48 cycle references on this episode alone oh yeah so get on the patreon uh we gotta wrap it up here I guess laugh boston this weekend for me and then portland on sunday people keep asking me if I'm at portland yes empire comedy club or empire rock club this sunday portland main one of my favorite cities laugh boston come to the early show saturday or friday and then uh next week cleveland hilarities they give me a nice guarantee I'm so scared no one's gonna come so please tell some friends we can after that is new mexico december 13th and 14th and then albuquerque that is uh

lafayette on friday houston on saturday i think the 20th and 21st lafayette in houston nice get your tickets to that and uh check out about the instagram yeah this comedy had a bunch of clips on there give a nice comment algorithm share the clips spread it all around herpes suck your own dick and buy a shirt we got new shirt what's a new one called merch dick it's podcast merch thank you dot com we got new shirts up there they're killer and uh and if you don't get your shirt text louis i know you gotta go i do all right i'm in jersey in some place called medford uh santa anna we're doing that by the way we never did we didn't do one seinfeld reference the day of the show isn't that i feel like it's almost kind of a subconsciously little weird i mean i could be

wrong but if you i didn't hear one all right i'm at the blue room that'll that's a nice fun room in missouri that i'm in portland oregon after that and then punchline san franciske that's a small room but i love it yuck yucks in vancouver folks always goes to vancouver tampa side splitters uh lajoya comedy store got them comedy club oh i go hey i'm doing got them he goes i'll come by oh wow that'll be fun dude that's exciting that's insane st louis uh zany's and nashville atlanta uh all kinds of stuff what else we got here that'll about do moon tower both of us are doing a live pod moon in chicago in may and uh yeah buy a shirt i got shirts we got shirts patreon's cooking praise i'll uh blow yourself and uh yeah we'll see you next week it's gonna

be hard to follow this one jerry eats the where can i sell merch