Tuesdays with Stories! - #327 Wranglin' Man

Episode Date: December 10, 2019

Holy Hell, after apologizing for Joe's fucked up mic (which we fixed, duh), Mark lets us in on his glock-carrying store clerk filled trip to Nawlins' before he bombs some charity gigs, while Joe races a Nor'easter from Boston to Cleveland. Check it out! Sponsored by: Away (awaytravel.com/TUESDAYS20) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe less Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy here we are we're back it's been years it's been a long time this is one of our longest breaks they kind of fucked us because we got a little cookie coming up

because I'm gone for two weeks you're gone for a month gay my father's black well it's the holiday season you know happy Kwanzaa and we're all over the road I think we talked about this before probably because I've been saying it for years but I always thought happy holidays man I probably say this every year to me happy holidays always meant Thanksgiving Hanukkah Christmas New Year's happy hot happy because it's three holidays four holidays if you're a Jew and then Kwanzaa whatever bullshit yeah it's always been just all the holiday it's holiday season sure it's the holiday season happy on it doesn't mean I'm a

fucking liberal cunt cock sucky whatever blowing Obama I thought it just meant happy holidays okay good Thanksgiving hope you have a great New Year's a great Christmas well I think it gets weird when you look at you right in the face and you go Merry Christmas you money grubbin heave yeah you know I think that's what it is you gotta you gotta throw it around for the the non-Christian but I don't even think it's the Jew at per usual the people are getting upset aren't even in the group I never met a Jew that was like don't say Merry Christmas to me every Jew I know has Christmas presents under the tree and they love home alone and

they're you know controlling the weather sure yeah yeah they love Santa every Jew I know is obsessed with Santa he's a fat guy with a white beard he never hurt anybody Hitler they don't care for no but they're all joking about Hitler to what the Jews oh I know I mean we we hang out with a different crop of Jews we're hanging out with comic juice yeah my favorite kind of Jew oh for sure my favorite any any member of a group comedians my favorite really of course well maybe athletes sometimes with you know whatever yeah I like a musician every now and then I like a musician but you don't want to hang out with one

there I gotta get complicated shoes and stuff true yeah long hair leather pants get it'll get real yeah it's appalling what about you ever hung out with a grip a grip like a key grip key grip those are the coolest guys they're so salt to the earth they don't give a shit I've hung with a grip here's the thing here's what you're going through you're doing that thing where you're fucking the same girl for a while and then a girl with the bra wink set you and you go I think she's hotter than my girlfriend she's not you've just been fucking the girlfriend for a while I don't follow what I'm saying is a grip sounds nice because you've

been hanging out with comics for 20 straight years I'm telling you grips aren't bad I'm not saying a grip is bad I'm saying a grip is good all right I like a grip we're throwing her out people who we like I'm just throwing that group out we're saying favorites you can't be telling me like a grip over a no no no no no no no no way no way a grip is better than a gun I know kung fu grip I like a grip though I'm not saying they're better than comic comic is number uno I like a grip as well I like a grip I like a gaffer I like I like gaff again better than gaffer tape yeah yeah but you know I grip is nice a photographer is

nice they can get a little pretentious they got a man bun a fanny pack and you know a weird belt I love a therapist yeah you mean a therapist that's about a social worker they know they have some wisdom and whatever bullshit I think we're going off the rails well I'm just pulling up some occupations oh cook a cook hmm I hear a lot about the cooks I don't know many cooks cooks have gone off the rails with the tattoos and the piercings I don't know you're a bad boy now for some reason yeah there's celebrities yeah but I you meet a cook they're just a sweaty hairy guy who's trying to get by now I'll tell you my

favorite group after comedian all right and it's a fair near and dear the firemen now I came up with all the fireman cuz my uncle he graduated the fire Academy the same week I started doing comedy right so we had a lot of inter twinkling of firemen and comics I love a fireman and of course I go do the fire show every year up in Holbrook mass that'll be coming up in the spring and I wanted to be a fireman my uncles are all firemen so I'm gay for firemen sure and they're similar to comics yeah they don't they barely work they hang out with each other they crack wise they risk their lives they have weird hours

they're alcoholics right right a lot of Irish Irish yeah no Jew though I don't think there's any Jewish firemen although that get a little dicey oh yeah that's a lot that's a lot of candles but I gotta I gotta think there's a few lieutenant Mandel bombs and shit like that here in the air maybe maybe driving the rig I don't know we'll have to pull up the the 9-11 folks I bet there's a couple of Jews in there that's true I feel like you can't throw a flamethrower in this town without hitting a juice so it's gonna happen yeah you can't put the baby in the bathwater well I would save it from being on fire that's true well

you got to keep its nose above water yeah you can dunk what about a baptism I could a burnt nose well I'm saying if you're dunking pulling back out the fire is up there oh I see depends on where the tub is if the tub is in the fire you're gonna you gotta kind of move back and forth get the nose out nose in yeah always crazy when you see a lake on fire oh lake of fire that's it or a ring great tune a fire oh yeah both both good song I never even equated those two songs this ring of fire and lake of fire what's lake of fire lake of fire is the one it's a meat puppets Nirvana covered it on unplugged I don't know where the

bad folks go when they die they don't go to heaven where the angels fly that one oh yeah that's good yeah that's like a fire oh I like that song that's the episode this week folks thank you good night we're fired well we got to address the the gas the microphone I've been a depression a funk I wanted this is what I want to say I got a couple of statements here oh boy we're sorry about the mic we didn't know one guy tweeted we knew about it we forgot one guy tweeted and said just to let you know the Joe's Mike was cutting out on the patreon sure and I said hey we're gonna check that Mike we discussed it and of course our brains

are all scattered like scrambled eggs abortion recorded the podcast and then for about a half hour I talked about how that was the best podcast we've ever done it's gonna be legendary this is a top five episode I was dying this is like the best whatever quite a tale we won't I thought it was one of the best episodes in history killer app the history of the pod I'm not saying you know whatever yeah well maybe it's up there with with the rest yeah Kennedy and us yeah Jesus how does a how do you get Jack from John I never got it I never liked it it's very strange William from Bill Lisa's an ill yes Dick from Richard is weird but

as an I see at least mm-hmm yeah it's fun to call a guy dick wow or cock but the Jack and John and when I was a kid everyone talking about the Ken I'm a Boston guy it was all Kennedy this and then in Boston as you know everyone likes to give someone a nickname I do the same you can't just call so I call you Marcus I can't you can't just call a guy a thing you got to be Billy Stevie Joey big head little head no head notice I never say your name no I can't do it it's hard to say a name names are too intimate that's why I call you fatty or weirdo or ugly yeah I appreciate that yes because it feels weird to be like

every once in a while I'll do it with Sarah I'm like Sarah could you pat and it feels weird you know we have to go 69 or something to make it a little more sloppy especially in the bedroom I don't say anybody's name in the bedroom I'm saying Cheech and Chong and Willie or whatever well I want to be called Pedro because I'm pretending to be a Latino Mexican that broke down the door and rape so build that wall so we're both into but anyways I always thought there was a next to Kennedy Bobby Jack Joe and John yeah that makes sense Tom Dick and Harry and I was like so there's a John F Kennedy was president and Jack Kennedy

was president I'm like does your brother get to take over for you this is when I was very young 21 22 I was like this Jack get to take over for John and they looked the same to me yeah I never got it and also can't you just stick with your name we'll go Johnny we'll go John we'll go Johnson but why are we changing it fully yeah Jack and then he's married to Jackie oh Jack and Jackie what's going on there yeah good point Jack and Jill well I did fuck a Joey one time I probably told this story before it was a baby kangaroo I was in Australia for a weekend you got in that pouch no there was a girl named Joey I probably told

this story 4th of July Charleston South Carolina I sang born to run yeah yeah and she came right up and said I'm going home with you no matter what and we boinked and her name was Joey and I was Uncle Jesse and the rest is have mercy yeah well one of the hottest girls in my high school named Joey and the fact that her name was Joey made her somehow hotter because when you go against the grain and it works it somehow better yeah I'm saying for sure like if you're ugly and your name is Joey go here's a man over here yes yes your hot your name is Joey it makes you hotter somehow because it shows that you're even more

feminine I'd love to fuck a Greg or a Bob yeah bring on a Howard yeah give me a Brendan anybody sure I just want to fuck a guy I'm here man I'm here what am I chop live this Mike better be working I'm gonna kill myself it's where it's a little hot actually if I'm being completely on oh my too hot cuz then they'll write to us that were too hot shit but I do want to apologize was all fucked up we don't have a producer we're trying to keep it as independent it's a three-man operation here you got that two and a half I mean Shelby's not here so it's a two-man operation then it gets

sent to the third man yes third-man records and you know he gets his John White he rubs his lips on it and whatever I mean he's a he's a maestro but we're fucking idiots but we're trying to keep it outside of a studio and outside of a network and the whole thing oh yeah fuck the man and I presented one comment that guy was like hey fuck your sponsors you shouldn't have put this out first of all he's a little I don't like care for his tone sure or language and second of all I don't do with the sponsors we're not we're fucking idiot our sponsors hate us we read the things poorly yeah yeah we're not good we're

jerk offs it wasn't the spot we didn't know we recorded it we sent it out we didn't know any better and then what are you gonna do we're gonna you can't you can't rerecord it cuz you can't recreate the magic no no recreate this ingenuous and I'd rather have bad sound than a disingenuous pod and so I want to thank all the people that were like it was no big deal anyways some people were like a flawed Tuesdays is better than anything yes one person said we're the only podcast that has sound issues and they still don't get mad so the majority one guy was like I don't even know what you're talking about right

oh that's really nice that was my dad he doesn't listen right and then there was about three people that were like hey fuck you and whatever fuck your mother here's the weird thing though is folks I got an email today about it we are aware it's already out it's done we'll fix it but two tweets I get I get it how could they know that other people are tweeting about it but you wrote it in your thing I wrote it my tweet I put it on the internet I put on Instagram we know the sound sucks whatever Joe's bike but you don't have to keep telling us I know we are aware it's obvious I had one fucking Momo that commented on a post

that I was apologizing on it same same he's like hey why you think I'm like why don't you read the post you fucking toolbag yeah she apologized so I apologize to you calling you a toolbag but we're doing our best folks and maybe I'm not sensitive ass obviously I'm a sensitive asshole but I'm like you do have six years of free podcast without sound issues so apologize for I apologize for one sound thing right and you can still hear the majority of it from what I understood we fucked up we're fuck ups understand that we're trying to keep it as independent and cool as possible here so occasionally

we're gonna suck our own dicks in a bad way and we appreciate it because they always say if your girlfriend is yelling at you that means she cares so if they're yelling it does mean like we wanted perfect sound we want to love the pile we want to keep listening yada yada so we get it we appreciate the love we love you and we're gay but you know we are aware but I was sad I wanted to kill myself I mean I sent me into a funk I was depressed all day I was depressed the whole day leading up to it because I knew I was like something's we forgot and it's marred that's the problem it's marred it's one of the

great episodes ever and the majority of the comments were like hey the sound is fucked up which sucks because it was such a magical episode and such a cool story and oh yeah well it still did really well it's cleaning up on YouTube I saw a reddit page about it oh wow people enjoy it so we're good to go but we weren't we weren't perfect which is so us yeah we always got to have some car bunker in the a-hole big glitch we're sons of glitches yeah is that ever use that that seems like something sons of glitches all right I like anything I've never heard it I brought texted you this is this a brilliant idea or am I a

fucking loser uh-huh the ventriloquist where the guy is saying the fuck I love it has ever done that you gotta make that that's pretty funny well I don't want to do it cuz I'll be the guy saying the fucked up shit but the old gag for a hundred years is the dummies saying crazy shit look at this fucking faggot that guy's fat the blacks whatever and the guy's going whoa whoa take it easy puppet uh-huh it would be so funny to me to have just a racist piece of shit guy and the puppets like what are you crazy yeah George and Otto yes if you flip it a woke dummy I love it and then the dummies woke that's kind of hilarious

uh-huh there's a lot here it's got layers I think that's funny but you'd have to get like a Tim Dylan or something to do it someone that's already saying the crazy shit right somebody doesn't care about the career because nowadays people don't understand a character or a spoof or what do you call that parody parody thank you is it parody parody there's another word too what does Randy Newman do spoof movie scores like a weird owl I think it's a parrot no parodies weird out yeah then there's a social such with an S I think satire holy shit sorry about that one like that's embarrassing yes satire satirical that's the one yeah

nobody it seems to get satire I was thinking about that with Randy Newman who's one of our great writers of all time and hilarious and now he's on to the movie script he does mad marriage story oh terrific you got a friend in me and toy story wow marriage story toy story story my life a lot of stories Christmas story stories but he used to I didn't even put that together I forgot we were on we are story people yes but anyways he does all these satirical old songs but I'm like these wouldn't fly now he would get kicked out yeah people don't get it like he has a song called Rednecks where he says a n-word about 500 times oh it's

the chorus and and then he's got you know short people got no reason to live I feel like if you really short people now people like this guy's a fucking scumbag right right interest that should be Brad Williams theme oh yeah interesting he's a short person little guy all right well I feel like I've hilarious guy gone on too long and too much and well we got it out of the anal it's it's a problem we fixed the mic we got a new cord we got a new mic I got a headphone in just to be a hundred percent on this puppy but yeah I've been all over the road it's Christmas time yes holiday season it's the holiday season I did four corporates

in a week wow yeah you must be loaded I'm cleaning up on here fatty I'll expect a nice gift from you a nice fat gift yeah what are you thinking what do you like oh double-sided dildo anything I can stick in my ass would be nice what do you do prilosec maybe I'll get a big oh give me a case of prilosec yeah I'm staying on now oh he's all resigned I'm all prilosec all right you got a suitcase coming your way there I went to mama Santa's I'm eating chocolate chip cookies like it's you know whatever you've relapsed blah blah blah I'm in a relapse right now relapse whoa you're on you're on today my friend you to back I don't

care for that band you too I took me I was thinking relapse that a band oh yeah you too yes hang on folks hang in there so well I also want to talk about Thanksgiving a bit because it is a doozy of a holiday yeah great holiday we got to go back a couple weeks here it's a little funky yeah but we don't leave anything out here but I yeah I went to back to New Orleans for the holiday saw the folks took the lady and really did it up my brother was famous last year he cooked he's like I'm cooking he was famous famous for fucking it all up oh I infamous thank you that's the word sure he blew the whole thing the turkey was

ice cold the stuffing was covered in jizz the yams were racist it was horrific I mean we were literally nibbling on a morsel of turkey that was warm the rest was it looked like like Hoffa so yeah he blew the whole kitten cabo and so my mom had to kick the door in and go hey not again Nicholas is your mom like a fucking chef boy yeah yeah she's a fruity whore she's all over the all over the oven what is she doing what is she fucking old well she was trying to let my brother it's like when a retarded kid goes I want to drive and you go alright then you hit a fucking telephone well you don't do if it's fucking Mario and

ready you don't have the retard drive if I'm driving and the retard wants to drive I'll say get get on my lap silent retard but the kids got to learn to drive eventually right don't retard's well maybe they shouldn't be driving well I mean can he learn on the day before Thanksgiving this is the big league yeah I guess he's driving the Daytona yeah Super Bowl Sunday you're not giving a make-a-wish the fucking the playbook good boy well my mom I guess she was like maybe I'll take a week off I don't okay all right well I'm not casting dispersions whatever that means I don't know what that means either but he's 39

or whatever so she figured hey this guy's you know with it he's got two children he can cook a bird so but that's a good point yeah my mom is a Julia child's over here and he's got child diabetes she let her Julia child cook thank you by the way sorry just a quick note yeah I said this already too I can't remember I think I already said this fuck me but cooking I've always been so intimidated you just follow the instructions oh yeah put oil on the fucking in thisparagus and you stick it in an oven most cooking is just walking around waiting for the oven to ding it's true yeah nothing to it measure

everything the problem with cooking is you got to buy all the shit then you got to chop it up then you got to clean it that's actually a good move you go if you buy I'll cook oh I love that I'm by so my mom steps in and you know she's a grand wizard with the whole thing so we have a great meal the whole thing is say I'm trying to get better with kids you're good with kids love kids I got to really lick them yeah he's got two daughters and I'm up I'm trying to be more loose and let go you know I'm picking them up I'm throwing them on my shoulder he's got a one one of them is like two so you can you know you hold it

it shits on you and pick on you don't want to throw it against the wall but I'm not good with that shit I'm too stiff yes but I'm working on it and I'm trying to be Uncle Mark because I'm never there yes so you try to make an impression whole food oh we went to Whole Foods and how about this is New Orleans in a nutshell I've been pounding white claws at Thanksgiving and my mom goes we need a little more paprika or whatever the fuck so she sends me down to the to the corner store sure and this is New Orleans and I said my brother lives in a horrible neighborhood and I go I go up to the guy at the front desk

or the clerk and the ladies with me and I go how bad is this neighborhood really I don't live here anymore like he goes oh don't walk around at night would you crazy no no and I go ah well how bad are we talking he goes this is how bad lifts his shirt up quite a piece a cock glock oh yeah I got a handgun yeah big old dirty hairy wow yeah and I was like hey welcome to no no is way more Wild West than people think yeah so Louisiana's a concealed carry state I guess I guess I guess he breaking the law I think he's you know living by his own pant legs or whatever it is probably a concealed carry cuz those guys they can't break the

law they'll send them right back to fuck yeah well he was Hispanic I just can't do accent I don't want to be presumptuous here yeah he was a Hispanic gentleman he had a big scar on his face I was like how bad is this neighborhood he goes oh don't like around at night he showed us the piece and I was like hey I showed the lady I think she got a little moist Wow yeah so then the next day we go see Jojo Rabbit I saw that film now I got a I got a bone to pick I got a couple bones with that film in fact right now you can go to the patreon here my review oh yeah listen to it cuz I'll send it to you all right we went Thanksgiving night the

theater is bone dry there's nobody in there yeah and this one guy with his family big white guy had a bunch of ladies with him and he goes we're gonna see Queen and Slim and I go all right and we're just talking in the lobby we're waiting in the line and I go I think I'm gonna see Jojo Rabbit I heard it was good and it's Nazi that's fun yeah and he goes oh Queen and Slim is sold out and I go I'm just saying I heard Jojo was good he goes I don't know it's a little dark I got my family with me and I go I'm telling you I heard it was good it's funny and he goes all right and he goes in me and him are the only people in the

theater oh boy his family me and the lady they were so bored they fucking hated I saw his daughter like Instagramming I'm sure she was so miserable I felt horrible I felt I don't care two inches about cancer 9-11 or Katrina but you're not connected you're connected to this completely connected you're responsible for this guy's miserable evening this is how bad I felt I just kept telling the girls like look at this they're tweeting one of them was one of them just like put her jacket up on her on her sure shoulder went to bed and I was like we gotta get out of here and I left I feel oh wow like half an hour in I couldn't

handle oh you want to face them yeah I mean I was half in the bag too from all the white claws but I always like we got to get out of here I can't handle it I don't care about the movie she's like I want to see it I'm like let's get out of well that's hilarious I picture him getting up to turn around to yell at you and then you're gone I was waiting for it a cloud of smoke right shoes who I was out the door wow you're fucking go-go rabbit yeah that's like what'd you think I liked it enough I like like Sarah loved it she's like this is my favorite movie of the year blah blah blah it's very sentimental I liked it now my review of

it is it contains a little wokeness I don't want to be a woke guy here or well I don't want to be a SJW I mean I want to be a woke guy I want to care about things rarely woke so maybe it's a nice peppered in well to me it's just like so it's about these Nazis which I get it's satire thank you and it's what first of all I'm the only guy that doesn't think what's his toes is great the director guy no no no the actor that was in Sam Rock yeah I don't I don't get Sam Rock well interest I like rock I hated three billboards obviously I don't want to go back into that that was he didn't write it I'm talking about as a performer okay I thought he was silly as that but that I was a bad script so maybe he whatever I think

he's okay he's fine all right I just don't think he's like this great amazing actor I just think he's whatever moon he's in moon I didn't I don't know what moon is that moon light no just moon just moon pretty good I'll take out just moon he's the lead he's the carries the whole jizz well he thought that he was fine whatever but so he's like a Nazi in the movie he's a Nazi camp guy but then he ends up like I don't want to give give stuff away here but he ends up being like sweet and saving them but you're like okay but he's a Nazi like he's still a Nazi right and then there's like a the end quote is like whatever happens in life just let it happen it's like a cool quote but you're like all right but you're talking about the holocaust right

like it was just like a thing of like okay so he's fine and he and everyone ends up ending happy but you're like you are leaving out the six million fucking people that died in ovens and maybe I'm being too woke into whatever and also I just thought the Hitler thing was he wasn't funny to me it was silly and I saw they were going for but I wasn't like oh it's hilarious it was just like okay fine so it was just wacky it was sweet there was sweetness I got a little teary eyed because I'm a sucker and I'm an emotional guy I feel very connected these days the kid was cute I enjoyed it I just thought there was a little bit of like I'm not a guy obviously I'm not a guy that's like you can't make light of Nazis I mean you heard the show you're listening to the show we love

making light I mean the holocaust didn't even happen we're big big light guys but it just felt a little bit like okay so I guess he's a hero right he's a Nazi camp yeah yeah he's a fucking Nazi an act of Nazi yes I don't want to give anything away either and I I completely agree I didn't like the the Nazi the Hitler guy yeah it was too much and then it's killing on rotten tomatoes it's got like 98 right it's huge radio reviews or killer but it was it didn't mesh you got the crazy Hitler wacko guy who's like a cartoon and then you got a Jew in the wall and that was like sentimental it was it had to pick right it was all over the road it was too much yeah I was touched a couple times I enjoyed it I'll give it a B minus a C plus all right just like okay whatever

knives out I saw I don't want to I don't want to veer from you and go back to me but I saw that the night before Thanksgiving and that I just loved I love that move wow we should have seen that that's available that's a hell of a picture I figured that was some popcorn horseshit oh it's got a couple names on it it's gonna be a dumb like who done it it's fine so who done it but it's there's a twist to the who done it all right you think it's gonna be a who done it and is a who done it I don't want to give away I don't want to give I know but it's it's a twist on the formula uh let me just say that I'll just say this this is gonna be a bit of a uh thing spoiler what happens early they let you know who done it okay nice and early oh you think it's a who done it but they're

like here's who done it uh-huh then you're like well what the hell's gonna be the movie and then that's when it gets a little kooky and dookie and all right I just love the ad with Captain America he's cocky and handsome and funny I was like ah that's gonna be dumb no it's very fun very funny it keeps you not guessing but wow oh it's just pure fun yeah it's all fun I highly recommend and it's a good holiday movie you can bring the whole I brought my niece and my dad and my wife it was nice I had my 14 year old niece my 89 year old dad and my 65 year old wife and we all had a great time yeah it was beautiful all right all right well there you go folks the buddy what oh I was gonna say we should stick an ad up there oh yeah we got an ad I love this ad before we go into uh whatever

else I really enjoy this product I'm talking about away folks by the way we haven't even gotten to uh the dinner we got to go back to the cooking oh that was it cooking was great oh okay the cooking was better yeah my mom saved it she came in there with a shotgun and a taser and and just said hey let me handle it I keep doing that I keep going to airplane mode as to not have distraction but then the email won't pull up if I want airplane mode so today we got away oh I know about away love away it's something I actually use I've been lying on the other ones this one I use all the time probably every weekend wow home and away yes I love away the best suitcase in my in my book I mean it's uh it's lightweight yet durable I throw that thing around like an 18 year old cheerleader

and it's just fun and it's got a good compartment it's got the battery pack it's got the 360 degree wheels it's perfect I don't even charge my phone I go to the airport I just charge it on my away bag and uh it fits right up in the uh in the carry on overhead overhead yeah you get a carry on you get a big one you get a mini they got backpacks now I love away I'm gonna use this thing forever I hope they send me another one because uh my gal bought one you got one I love it I love my bag Sarah uses hers all the time folks all of a ways suitcase are thoughtfully designed to last a lifetime yes with durable exteriors that can withstand even the roughest of baggage handlers here here that's you buddy oh yeah every suitcase comes with an interior organization system that includes a

built-in compression pad to help you pack more in there and a hidden and removable laundry bag that separates your dirty clothes use it every week for 360 degree spinner wheels guarantee the smoothest roll even through the most hectic of airports and stations now that's great because we're in New York yes so for me I gotta get to the train and all the shit you gotta go with cobblestone and sidewalks so those wheels this this is a durable bag and it's gonna last you a lifetime yeah tell him how to get one mark all right well we got a special offer for you gays uh traveling during the holidays is crazy but getting away can make every trip a lot more seamless visit away travel dot com slash tuesdays 20 to learn more and if you're in the uk us uh europe canada Australia

order by 11 59 on 12 15 for a free ground shipping with guaranteed free delivery by 12 20 yes for additional last minute holiday shipping details check out their website away travel dot com slash tuesdays 20 so we all gotta buy a gift suck it up go on there right now and get that bag wow that was pretty good i think we nailed that yeah well after a little chat we uh i felt like we had to pick it up all right all right so now i want to get into these corporates yeah let me hit some corporates all right so uh the world was fun had a great time i drank for like four days straight blacking out just really did it up i really went back to my old roots i got a i got a i gotta give i was fuzzy for a week you know your brain is just ruined oh yeah we're old now yeah

we're old and gross and fat so get back to new york and these corporates are tough because you're my manager is sending all these details you gotta talk about this you gotta wear that this is what time you gotta show up you gotta have dinner with the guy you gotta blow the other the owner you gotta fuck the ceo all this shit blower yes so one the first one is in wilkes berry i know wilkes yeah there's a casino out there it's kind of a scene not a scene but they have like a minor league baseball team it's kind of a city is that right i believe so all right well i'd never heard of it so here's the instructions you gotta go to midtown you gotta rent a car then you gotta get out there by a noon or whatever the hell it is because you gotta beat traffic and so i got a whole crazy itinerary

i finally get the car i rent it this is all on their dime which is very nice love it so i got my suit on they're like you gotta wear a black suit they wanted me to wear a tux and i fought them oh this is like a corporate corporate corporate wow yeah it was ugly so i haul ass out there they gotta so they upsold me on a jeep oh i hate the upsell but i fell for it i'm weak so i go all right he goes i'll tell you what i'll give you free gas for doing the upgrade just fill it up call this card tomorrow we'll we'll refund you the money okay i was like all right all right so i got serious radio in there i upgrade i got a sunroof the whole thing i love serious yeah me too i'm grateful for serious but i also like having it i love it i've got a howard stern on i got pearl

jam on i got the uh the tom petty i'm dying for that clinton stern interview what oh yeah hillary oh you haven't heard the clips i've heard a bunch of clips but i haven't got the full cunt oh it's exciting i thought you meant bill that's why jizz no i love a bill he's a rapist yeah and a murderer apparently yeah that's fun yeah good times epstein so uh great president i get out there and i go to some hotel that they put me up in like a marriott bullshit i go i hit the gym come back i go to the party i get all gussied up i go over my clean stuff because they say you can say whatever you want but they don't mean it no because i got eight minutes on pedophilia that'll really shake your spine so i go in there and i pull up to this place i'm talking

in what do you call a stone cutter a mason what are the free mason like this is old school old white guy like union cigar no richer there's ain't no union there's ain't no blue collar okay this is like we're gonna decide who votes oh i see i felt like i was at watergate what do you call that the people the clintons what do you call them tim dillon's always talking about it now the luminati the illuminati yeah but they were ugly ah so it wasn't like a bunch of supermodels it was just a bunch of dudes who play golf who drink scotch smoke stogies and hit their wives wow you know that's everything i want to be yeah exactly it was cool it was like it was like i was in the 40s it was kind of like whoa this is a throwback sure there's all these like what do you call those mural not

mural a big portrait painting a big painting of like a like a general you know and a guy who you know hated blacks was he holding the stick that they have the stick i like that stick the long gun some had the white wig i mean it was old school coon skin cap or no yeah no there were no coons allowed okay so i just get i'm like blown it's all oak you know the big staircase there's a guy and a white jacket behind the bar making high balls and the whole thing i was like oh my god there's a pool table with like crystal balls on it and shit this was high end so the guy grabs me you mark ago yeah he's like ah gets me in a headlock you fucking homo get in here oh we watched your clips you faggot we think you're funny all right you know the whole thing i'm

like oh wow this is crazy you feel like a real nerd around these guys i know i hate that i hate though i hate that thing it's not fun but here's the clinker they made me eat dinner with the ceo oh or whatever that grand wizard whatever his name is the the red dragon i don't know so i go all right i guess we'll have we'll have dinner with i i fought it i was like i want to just sing it sit in the green room he's like no you gotta have it so it's all full package all right man so i'm sitting next to this guy he's got a boat company he's got a roof company he's like you know the 9 11 i put that roof on i was like oh i didn't know i had a roof which roof the building roof apparently yeah like these guys are loaded wow so i'm like all right and he's telling me joke

i street joke after street joke like what do you get when you cross an asian with a black guy you know how you get a low main fried chicken or whatever you know he's got all these jokes i mean it was bananas it was like right out of a movie i looked around at one point it's just a bunch of guys in leather chairs going to oh man this country's gone to shit you know it sounds like like wolf of wall street type of thing or something yeah but like old these guys are old right right so uh i'm freaking out you know first lobster dinner then lobster appetizer then a steak then a salad or something then like this crazy dessert i mean it was bananas so they're like all right a guy's gonna give a little talk and then you're gonna go up into a full hour and i go

all right and it's one of the things where you're freaking out but you just go this is gonna happen so let's do it right it sounds horrible it was scary so uh the guy goes up and he's like got the loose tie but it's pretty sloppy by this point he's like we got a fucking clown coming up here to really yuck it up oh here we go folks give him your best shot you know he's like sitting all up horribly are there women there at all i think i saw three women and they had black eyes okay so i go up and i just go hey all right uh look at this guy nothing oh how about that guy over there he looks like colonel sanders zilch and i go all right well what is this watergate all right you guys look like you you hate jews zilch and i'm like i'm up there like 11 seconds i'm sweating

my balls off and i'm doing like very new york humor you know like you look like this you look like that uh you're you're not woke you know you're not cool you you look like you hate abortions and they don't they don't they're not buying this shit right and so i'm like all right i guess i'll go into material and that's doing okay but anything you know uh dicey they weren't into and i uh boy i bombed for a good hour oh boy i had him like a someone get a titter and then somebody would yell at me and i hit him back and that would get a laugh but it was it was tough it's one you gotta just be thinking about that check the whole that's what i was doing i'm gonna buy a fucking uh prostitute and a meal and a steak or whatever it is you know you just gotta be

thinking about that i've had those gigs we were like just get through it get the check yeah and then like they gave me a hotel so they're pounding me with booze the whole time like i had a scotch the whole time but i'm like i gotta go back tonight like this is such a bad bomb that i feel like i gotta run so i'm just drinking all this i'm bombing i'm bombing and after they were very nicely we had so and so here last year he sucked you were great i'm like great i bombed you know but they told me some names of people that you would shit i'd like to know the names i'll tell you off air but uh oh man it was a tough night and just bombing in a suit it was it always makes me think of your photo where you took your jacket off oh yeah that was yeah yes that was like an

outdoor corporate yeah that's how i felt my back looked like that and uh i didn't get my suit dry cleaned i was so sweat stained oof and uh the guy was really nice the guy who put it on he was like normal he was sober and he's like yeah sorry about these animals you know like he got it right but uh holy shit that was tough those are tough i actually just had one get canceled it's supposed to be tuesday this Tuesday tomorrow today if you're listening to this in tarry town oh where i got married norm mcdonald yes so they call and they're like it's four grand and it's like 40 people and you only gotta do 15 minutes oh 15 to 20 they said you must have been foaming at the mouth well here's the thing you know me i mean i i just hate these bad situations and i'm 15 minutes fatty i

know i know but so then i'm going i'm also going i have tickets i'm getting a the second part of my root canal tomorrow with a fucking drill your tooth down to a shitty nub yeah and when i was getting my root canal the guy's like you have a cavity here yeah he'll just take care of it next time so tomorrow i'm getting my face all numbed up then my tooth filed down then a filling at the same time right then i'm supposed to have a corporate in tarry time and i got basketball tickets louisville the number one team in america is playing texas tech it's a doubleheader uconn plays indiana and i'm gonna go to the garden so i had it all worked out i'm gonna have this horrible dental work right you all numb and then i'll go to the basketball game little gary veeters coming

along new album veeter los vegas coming up soon funny guy so i'm like that'll be good because last time when i got the root canal i went and saw a marriage story at the paris if you plan something nice the whole time you're getting the root canal it's like they went to corporate you're like as soon as i'm done i'll be numb i'll go i'll go see the movie i'll fuck my wife and the butt i'll fuck veeter in the ass yes and so anal so uh hey hey so i i'm like all excited about it then they go we got a corporate so you're like fuck i got these basketball tickets i'll have to miss the game that sucks i gotta get to tarry town yeah and the gig's gonna suck three days later he's like they've gone radio silent they've they've changed their mind they won't even get to him we're

canceling the gig so i'm losing four grand but you're not the bum well they did it they did it they fucked me but there's part of me that's like great i get to go to my basketball game post-dental but uh this is probably a bad mindset but it's i guess it's good because it's zen because i'm not mad about it right but those gigs are so bad even 15 minutes i'm like obviously i need four grand and it's a it that pays for your route yes exactly but uh this isn't a great story i'm realizing no no i get it though but i get it but i'm like kind of like great i get it you know doing nothing is always better than than doing and to me the uh the the travel is hell i'm so bad with planning and and booking stuff and orbits and anal all that shit well that's the i think the whole time

i'm like is tarry town you're gonna take the train i'm like can i make the 920 am i gonna make the not now i'm just 940 now i'm gonna sit outside the track because i'm only stuck talking to these corporate fucking idiots so uh yeah it's a chunk it's chunk to lose four grand but now i'm back to shitty root canal basketball game with veeter all right what's this bad it's a it's a win win yeah kind of i'm gonna think about telling veeter the ticket cost four grand and see if he goes for it now we're cooking but uh it is a it's a good problem to have or whatever because i still get to go see the number one team in the country and hang with my pal and not have to because i would be sitting there getting a root canal being like all right how long is this gonna last what time do i

believe so it's nice to be relieved of that true and uh i'll find some other money somewhere that's so funny i would cancel the root canal do the gig make the get the canal the next day yeah that's what i was thinking about doing that too but i keep i just want to get these fucking things out of the way i hear you because it's even worse to be like i gotta go the dentist in three days i gotta go the dentist one day i gotta go fucking fuck my dad on the tuesday well all right either way so i get out of there i'm in a suit i'm blad at blotto i'm wasted i'm trashed i'm hammered and i get back on that jeep and i drive the two and a half hours back to and who was that a risk i mean i'm all over the road i kept nodding off i mean it was it was like

the eighties again oh jeez you gotta be careful out there yeah and it was slick and snowy and i was like oh you know driving with my head up on the glass you know oh boy and uh what point i looked down i was doing like 38 on highway and so i finally get back i just fall out of the car with all my other clothing and i get back to new york or get back to my apartment ah next day i realize i lost my sunglasses oh jeez well you got a new pair of sunglasses and i'm trying to be zen you got that corporate money coming in i know but it's a ray band it was a gift i love a ray band i've never bought a nice thing in my life i didn't get a chance to squeeze in jeep trick but i really wanted to i love it love a jeep trick yeah i was on my mind the whole time and i never got it in

there so you're a wranglin man kill myself rambler wrangler dammit i fucked it ramblin man jeep wrangler trying to go wrangler ah wranglin man ah it wasn't bad all right all right well i i think i brought the whole team down with my shitty story jerikey have an indian giver here we go now the story is fine all right so two should i go you want to go i got more corporates well i'll tell you a driving story i got i got a bit of a driving story i was uh so i did i don't know three weeks ago now thanksgiving weekend i did laugh boston oh how was that which by the way we i hit the bonus i'm not gonna kill myself i was throwing it out there quite a bit and we added the show oh my god which is an exciting feeling Leonard Cohen well hear me out here so uh i go

there we had one show friday two shows had a best weekend ever because thursday's thanksgiving right one show friday which is seven o'clock show we're done at fucking 8 30 they gave us the hotel upstairs i never had the hotel before because they're always like ah you live here fuck you your parents are here sure but i got the hotel which is a badass hotel upstairs there at last in so i spent and at that point i had spent four days with my family so i was ready to get the hotel get out sarah showed up she came on my face yeah we go up we're hanging in the hotel you walk downstairs now these local shows you know it's tough like we can't even get from the hotel into the room right because it's like there's uncle Doug right there's uh frankie gwin the oldest the worst listomaniac no

he's not the worst oh i've just said the family i see but we said it in a weird time so it makes it sound like you think he's oh no no he's a great guy great guy oh my god sexy guy hot is he a fireman i don't think somebody has a firing look yes he's got the look but he made he's the guy that made the listomaniac shirts like 10 years ago he just made him and gave him to me good egg uh great egg it's weird because he's been a fan long enough that like we've gone through relationships he's like this is my fourth girlfriend since i've known you i'm like jesus christ this guy sounds lunch hope she doesn't hear that uh but it's like all right nice nice to meet you and uh oh i got a bug i just pulled out that's embarrassing i forget that we're on camera now the worst uh but anyway

so i'm bumping into him i'm bumping dave walsh comes out i haven't seen him in a long like years and he's got his wife with them calleen they're great so i'm just i can't even get in the room because it's a local show the worst and that's all people from high school the whole thing we get there and i got a text from my age of being like hey they want to add a show tomorrow and i'm like wow this is gangbusters i can't believe it we add a five p.m show friday night's great killer hit the bonus sold out exciting we do the five p.m show and i'm like we added a show that's 19 hours from now oh how is anyone gonna know about this i put it on instagram twitter the whole thing my parents my cousin they're like we're all gonna come out it was them it was like

24 people at the five o'clock show my parents are in the front row they're like lit they're just standing there it's like my parents my cousin his girlfriend a couple of their friends and then like there's two guys over there there's one Tuesday with a Bruins cap over there and then some you know an old couple from main it's like old women that were drunk and heck like right right so it's kind of a strange show but did you get paid for that i got paid handsomely i think the club took a bath on the show because they gave me a nice fat check but all right good i just you go from high to low where you're like we're adding shows baby i'm coming home and i'm fucking finally selling and then it's just crickets and my mother's smiling oh was she at the other shows or just

now just that one because they're like great oh well they'll be you know in bed by nine or right right but uh the shows were amazing i gotta give a shout out a guy bought a shout out what yeah 50 bucks he gave me this this son of an onion you're like cameo this guy named uh i gotta shout out bill all right this guy wasn't bill and he gave me 50 bucks to say bills couldn't come because his wife is being a cunt hey all right billy i said i can't say that wow he wrote it he gave me 50 bucks so uh hey bill your wife's a big cunt i guess i mean for 50 bucks i'll put my face in the soup and blow uh but uh yeah so he was uh he was a night he works at the garden selling hot dogs or something wow and uh he was nice he had rough hands it was kind of sexy he was

a real he might have been a grip ah he was the real guy real man and he gave me a 50 spot to call bill's wife a cunt so uh i mean he earned it and she did too apparently well i'm afraid i'm gonna bump into bill and he's gonna put me in a headlock now the bill's cool the wife's gonna hit you with her purse well depends on what's in there i don't mind but anyways so the shows were great sold out the seven o'clock show and uh all these people from high school came out i gotta give a shout out to my pal matt lever that i used to live with way back in the day he's a twos gay all right matt he came great to see him and his wife patty and uh great time hung with dave wash bulger we we spun some old stories uncle dale came to the late show we spat sat and spun some spoobs

blue blue blue boobs yep that was great so the next night we tack on a sunday show at empire comedy club new comedy club in portland main oh now you gotta get up there and do this club comics if you're listening main maniacs main erds if you're listening start supporting this club really because back when i started the prod the portland comedy connection was like the best fucking club in the country yeah it was incredible it was one of these clubs that you're like if you go there and bomb you gotta quit i mean this is a killer club the people were right on top it was on a wharf it literally like sunk into the ocean it became like a condemned get out of here but it was like a magical like literally up there with like comedy on state and comedy works magical and a lot of people wouldn't

go there because it's like so far away it's main whatever it was killer and portland i talk about a lot of portland main one of the most underrated cities one of my favorite cities i go there every year it feels like home to me because it's new england i've been going this since i was a syphetus i gotta go so they got a new club and it's called empire comedy club it used to be a rock club they made it a full-time club whoa so sarah and i go up there on the sunday and this is like a good guarantee but a versus if you get a percentage of the door we packed the place out we went over the guarantee made some it was a nice money weekend up there and it was all tuesdays what all kinds of gains in main do they live there who lives there i don't know anybody who lives in main portland's a

decent size city i mean it's like you know 40 000 people or something all right it's a small city but it's a city and then there's people on the outskirts and stuff i mean main is uh as you know the only one syllable state but that's right it's a part of me it's deep in my bones so it's your main squeeze so it's a great city we go up there sarah and i go up there nice hotel we do the show the show is killer it's all to a whole line of tuesdays and they're they're gay deprived up there no one's coming to portland that's lunch so i'm spreading the word to all the comics go up there and work this club it's a killer club i loved i mean i absolutely loved it perfect setup great sound great guy paid me right in the spot i lost the check it sent me a new one i hate the last check

but it's a big storm coming nor eastern now we got to get back to boston because i only have i mean to new york because i only have one day home right we're going to cleveland on wednesday oh yeah but it's a nor eastern it's coming the whole thing weather dot com the whole fucking thing it's all over the news it's shutting down all the flights yep so we do the show and i'm like all right it's like 11 30 on sunday night and i'm like if it's not snowing yet we're gonna take off and get a head start because we got to beat the storm yes and sarah's freaking out she's from texas south africa originally she's like i can't drive in the snow i'm like don't worry i know what i'm doing african-american so it's snowing lightly and i'll keep checking the weather i'm checking

the weather port for new hampshire i'm checking it for 495 in massachusetts i'm checking Connecticut all the states we're gonna go through yeah and tomorrow's gonna be a storm oh yeah so we go let's get in the car let's just go so we check out of the hotel it's a nice hotel they're like where are you going like we got to go and the car is covered in snow whoa and they're like be careful what are you nuts and i'm like i know what i'm doing i'm a new england god damn it i'm like we'll just go until we can't go anymore it's like a springsteen song wait a minute where you going i'm getting this a chunk out of the way oh we can get out of dodge as they say i didn't even think about that so we start driving and it's snowing but it's not snowing bad the road it's not collecting yet

yes compiling whatever that word is sticking sticking and so we get in the car we start driving we're listening to dean martin we're having some laughs dean slowly yeah it felt like fun all right and so the snow starts coming down a little more a little more now we got about a half hour away and now it's just it's snowing oh boy it looks like it's warp speed we're just it's just snow coming right at us the windshield wipers full blast and now the snow is piling up now i'm in an inch of snow nobody's on the fucking highway you got that right it's sunday night 11 30 there's like a everyone go home don't leave your house thing and we're in like three inches of snow now and it's just coming down sarah's like panicking she's got the old shit handles she's oh wow so how

how do you know where to go did you just put hotel near me no i don't even have a hotel yet so this comes in uh into your asshole in a second so we're driving and i'm telling i'm calm i'm doing like 38 miles an hour on the highway drunk driving there you go so it's like i'm going it's we're skidding a little bit and i'm like i keep slowing down every once in a while like a truck a 18 wheeler they'll just fly by oh they're animals because they got a they're doing blow they're gonna meet a quota whatever the fuck they're on crank and jerking off yeah the whole thing so they're just like whipping by now anytime they whip by it just shoots all this snow and slush and so we're like blinded and we're slowing down so i'm like this is like crazy i got my hazards on we're doing 30

now and the snow is coming down but it's main so there's long stretches where there's no exits at all yes yes no x so i'm like okay look up the route i'm like let's see if we get to portsmouth new hampshire so i have her go on to hotels dot com i go look up portsmouth new hampshire yeah and then see how many stars it is and then you book the hotel because i'm trying to drive with two hands and i'm telling her i'm like we might drive off the road just just be be ready like i know what i'm doing we might come off the road i'll get us back don't worry who are you the you wouldn't have done this two years ago well this party that's like this is we're in dangerous territory yes i don't want to be the car that's because everyone's the one we drive by a car it's like

fargo there's like skid it off the road oh my god i mean this is a serious situation so we go she books the hotel she i go plug it into google maps she didn't she doesn't use hotels dot com that much so she didn't look there's a little thing that says miles to city center uh-huh so you plug in portsmouth it says durham new hampshire 8.5 miles to city center meaning portsmouth yes so she plugs it in it's a half hour in the wrong direction oh i go that's no good you got to go back and cancel it you got cancel that one so that charges us 25 bucks we just lost 25 dollars it charged you because we had to cancel that hotel i'm like i'm not driving a half hour out of the way doesn't make any sense it defeats its own purpose yeah so we read books so now i'm like

leaning over trying to read the thing she's showing me i'm like that one's good we get hotel portsmouth beautiful hotel so now we finally we book it i'm like all right we're just gonna get to portsmouth and it's coming down it's getting in the off ramp is a huge circle so we're back tail spinning the whole thing yeah i got the shittiest car it's a fucking hunday oh you should have a jeep i wish i had a jeep jeep trick yes so i come off and we get down there and now it's just like it's really coming down we get out finally we make it to the hotel we get in there and like the it's like one of those ones like you gotta ring the bell the ding ding like steve bushemi pops up from the basement it's kind of funny looking and the lady she looked like bushemi it's like

do hampshire overnight shift he was a fireman yes so she's all fucked up that she's got three teeth and like oh yeah her eyes all fucked up her eyebrows on her forehead the whole thing what is that about getting away from the city people get uglier it's very strange especially up there yeah i mean there's some hot women up there of course but a lot of ghouls but uh she was a goblin for sure and uh goblin come folks uh geez but anyways we check into the hotel so now i'm like freaking out i'm doing i do the math i'm trying like if we leave now i do we make the right uh decision i'm like maybe we should keep going it's supposed to get worse tomorrow i'm like i gotta relax this is the decision i made i'm not questioning it we go to bed i wake up at

7 30 a.m randomly i check the weather report it's down to 60 snow for the next two hours i look out the window it's bright it's sunny it's not snowing i throw a bucket of water on sarah's face i'm like we're leaving right now and she's like what we went to bed at three o'clock in the morning holy hell she's like what are you talking about i i gotta sleep i'm like just get up you can sleep in the car we have a window it's like i felt like george cloney in the perfect storm i'm like i can see a seam right now we got 50 chance of snow it's not snow we if we don't get out of here we're never getting out here wow because tuesday monday afternoon is supposed to come down even harder yeah so i'm like just get in the car i throw like water on her i give her

her clothes it was like the fucking seinfeld we're laying throwing the guy's pants at him right right i get her dressed to her credit she gets out of bed we're dressed five minutes later i'm like i'll get you a coffee soon don't worry we gotta get going we jump in the car we start going i feel good eventually we get a starbucks we get an i hop i hit a waffle i shouldn't have done it i know i hate myself silently eventually it started snowing again all through connecticut and then we got down to new york it was like a five hour drive like we'll just take it slow we got nowhere to be we left at seven thirty a.m. yeah so we ended up getting back here at three p.m. wow drop the car off at leguardia and now it's like an enterprise by leguardia and now the snow is just coming now

it's a snowstorm i've never felt more proud of myself yeah you did it because i made all the right decisions holy hell we got an hour out of the way in main the night before that saved us an hour because we didn't have that hour we would have got home at four we would have had rush hour in new york plus the snowstorm i just felt so proud of myself wow riveting drop the car off got a lift back home quarter of three we're back at the house safe warm we take our wet fucking socks off we lay there and i'm like we're home at fucking three p.m. whoo felt good it was harrowing i will say that yes man i hope she went hey if i can see captain i'll blow you now that's pretty this should be some appreciation she was thrilled she was happy and grateful and i was grateful but i felt

genuine pride i was like i'm a man i took care of my wife i went home we sold shows out we made a shitload of money not a shitload but we made money not as much as i would have made if i did the fucking dumb corporate today but anyways by that hotel made some money had some fans saw everybody family the whole thing yeah took my nieces and nephews out and they kissed the whole thing wow got home safe now that's one of those things that when you get home and you want everybody to know like you want to go to the bakery and you're like i'll have a bun a guy it's like all right you're like don't you know i just i just nailed this nor'easter i know it felt so good and there was moments where you skidded but i was like we're good we're fine now it's getting late

but stick under the corporate up their ass oh wait i don't know that's too quick oh jeez well give him a quickie i'll give him a real little nugget here i felt like that was short on laughs and i hate myself no that was fascinating i was on the edge of my uh quiff all right all right uh uh that one's too long i'll save that one save it uh pouring out right now by the way i want to say i did last thursday i did two corporates in a night and bombed on both oh they're just so bad i'll talk about that one i show up it's in like some hotel in midtown it's beautiful the food is unreal it's just a bunch of rich people like hanging around like a bunch of tables and i was like dude you told me the show started seven it's like eight eight oh one i was like i got to get

out of here i got another gig and he was like all right we'll start right now so i got a mouthful of sushi and the guy goes ding ding ding ding hey everybody mark norman's gonna do a set you always say your name first yes he's in a suit he blows blows the whole thing whatever and he goes up mark norman so they're like huh they're not even seated so i just go up and i go uh i like to drink drinking joke drinking joke too bombing bombing bombing and i i told him like i'm getting off at 815 or whatever and he goes yeah that's fine i look at my he won't like me so i look at my phone it's 814 i do one more joke i run out of there he goes where you going they always do that yeah what do me where am i going i told you i was running late i'm doing what i said i was gonna do exactly so

it just shows they don't listen or they don't care i don't know what can you do so he gives me the check i snag it i run out of there run to jump in a cab i gotta be i'm on 40 second and eighth i gotta be on 57th and 7th okay all right so i gotta be there like now i'm getting a text from the lady like where are you just curious i'm trying to be nice but you're fucking my night out yeah so i show with this other hotel beautiful high end i run downstairs this beautiful black woman in a onesie i love a onesie oh yeah way better than a 2z yeah 3z don't even be started so uh she's like hey here you go i'm just gonna bring you up right away it's like this beautiful restaurant and uh there were no tables it was just couches so i'm gonna bring you up right away so she goes out there and

she's like you know there's gotta feedback gotta feedback but i'm just standing on the floor she's got a cordless mic she's standing on the floor and she goes gather around everybody we're gonna have entertainment oh boy it's very well to do and i go up and i'm just standing on the floor and they all do a semi-circle around me they don't sit oh it's a semi-circle what do you stand hope i know i feel like a kumbaya over here oh my god so i'm just like oh this is weird they're all like who is this what's going on they're eating you know they're like talking to each other they're like they felt like i was a teacher and i was like gather around students we have to go over these the studies it's always confusion at these yes there's always a couple of like what is this

right right they think you can just put a comic in a corner and they'll all go gangbusters right so i'm like doing one joke one joke uh uh uh uh bomb bomb bomb i get a titter here and there and i just i walked off i bomb the whole hour i walk off you gotta walk through them and they're all like who don't look at him you know and i i walk to the cloakroom and i just go oh my god because it's it beats the bag at it yes it's well you realize it's like you have back pain yes like you're like straight your muscles are all tense and you're thinking and you're afraid anyone's gonna say to you i know and so much the judgment my god the judge the whole time they're going this guy stinks he he worked with seinfeld what i know book this idiot you just want to

play him your album of like you're killing like prom or like have quotes from other comics right there's what louis thinks of me here's what seinfeld says right right you know exactly that's the funny thing about comedy is if it's in the wrong setting i mean you put a Picasso in a dmv you can still go i can actually see something here you know well maybe not but you throw on a ferris bueller's day off in china and they're going this is fun right you know but the comedy they go this is beyond bad and you go well i've done it on fallon now this is bad he's wrong but maybe you're wrong seinfeld had that great quote comedy is the only art form when not done well they're like that's not comedy right there's no one's ever like that's not a painting yeah yeah there you go perfect

so he's very smart he's a smart guy he's got good taste so i go in the cloak room or whatever and i just do like the i have to sit down and the photographer of the evening just some chuchu with a camera and a zip up comes in he goes that was really bad oh jeez i was like yeah i know you come guzzler because he's he's like he's one of me he's you know he's he's not in this hedge fund world sure i love photographers yeah they're almost no scripts so uh yeah he was like that was bad i was like yeah he's like hey i thought you were all right you know don't listen to that and you're like oh i'm getting a fucking pep talk from old peter parker over here so i just grabbed my coat and i i get back out of there and that's the thing i got home by like 10-05 i got a two sweet checks

and you just you just so hey it's over you did it you got their cash you got the mula and you're back home you won that's the nice thing it's all painless and i always feel grateful i'm like even if it's the worst it's an hour at most yes if you're roofing it's fucking nine hours straight there's bees the sun the cancer you can fall off the roof the whole thing maybe nine years yeah so it's only a half hour 45 minutes an hour whatever it is so i'm grateful for that but yeah yeah but you you're right you're counting those minutes i'm counting the seconds yeah you know you go yeah we only got 48 more to go here we go and time has to pass that's the interesting thing time doesn't stop we're closer to death now than we were at the

beginning of the show that was depressing isn't a bummer when you always hear somebody go yeah i got about 40 summers left you're like ooh when you put it like that i might just end it early yeah louis a joke he's like this is my last winter coat you're like oh wow that's that's like some pukowski shit it's tough yeah well i'd like to have a reverse pukowski where you gonna be there jizz face well i don't know where i'm gonna be anymore oh santa anna this weekend oh that's this weekend it's finally upon us it's gonna be a strange weekend because i leave at fucking 6 a.m on friday we're gonna be there for like 10 hours it's weird i thought it's two days it's two days but like we get there and you're getting there in the evening on friday

we leave sunday so it's a little strange yeah but it's kind of nice you're in your out we get to hang plus we got to figure something out here fatty what do you mean everybody's i'm getting dms up the chuch dick where everybody's like hey uh what night's the pod what night's the show yeah i don't know either is it up to us yeah but i i came up with something all right hit me with it there's two shows a night okay i think every night we do stand up early show late show pod that sounds good to me second night early show stand up late show pod okay that sounds good all right so that's what it is folks there you go there you go now you know that sounds great well i'll be in santa anna with ol marcus uh fart pie here yeah and then next weekend

is uh the weekend before christmas lafayette laf what's that called lafayette comedy i guess it's called it's an hotel i guess yeah i think it's lafayette comedy that's friday night never i've never worked in louisiana other than uh louis with new orleans so lafayette's better actually oh great i'll be there in uh lafayette yeah why don't they spell it l a g u h yeah they're missing out on that one l a g u h don't spell like that yeah but you get it yeah uh eugene merman i love that gene levy friday uh boy is he good and then saturday december 21 secret group in houston please buy some tickets for that for the love of christ it's uh saturday december 1 sarah and i in houston and then uh then i'm off for like 10 days

which is gonna be weird uh and then fuck i don't even know where i go in january i do i gotta show it fairfield connecticut january 11th maybe all right i don't even know my dates once i get to january madison wisconsin some point in january nice fuck i don't know comedy on state in january and uh i should know these better the joker crews i'm doing that oh february i don't run stuff lined up yeah but uh join the patreon i want to plug uh oh michelle wolf special is out today yes watch that yes netflix and uh i watched jessica kirsten special and soda special this weekend big weekend big week but uh wolf special is out right now and then our pal tony deo's album just came out i forget the name of that one good call yeah just search tony deo comedy de y o yeah he's a pal

and uh he's great joker writer and he was a pass guy he was a great guest on here back when we had guests so uh check out tony deo's album keep an eye out for gary veeters album and uh i don't know sam maril's got a special come out in january yeah i went to the taping it was lights out yes they say eat your mother's pussy all right i'm gonna be at the blue room oh i just did that one that's fun yeah that's in springfield missouri and then uh helium in portland love portland love this club uh then january san francisky punchline let's sell that puppy oh that's a small room yuck yuck's van koover uh side spoilers in tampa uh we're going to vegas at some point i think well actually i shouldn't say that's not locked in it sounds like it might be locked in oh is it i don't know because

rutsus toes text us so i don't know we gotta figure out oh yeah yeah that's true that might help he heard about it so yeah good point all right la joya so all you sandi agians come out in santa babra got them sign felt that he's popping by so all right i'm picking the right night uh saint louis comedy castle royal oak that just popped up nashville tennessee atlanta skankfest in houston we're both there that's gonna be big that's gonna be bananas and moon towers announced we'll be at that uh-oh your mic just cut out really no kidding all right we're back or we're leaving we're leaving yeah we'll see you soon come joe list comedian comedian joe list dot com what do you call dyslexic and then look at our albums hit them up itunes serious spotify brazzers and grinder spotify just

plug them into spotify even if you're not listening it helps us it gets the word out or gets us paid i don't even know i'm trying to make a living here yeah we all are we don't want to be uh what's that guy who's who's bombing oh this is a lot all right take it easy folks we'll see in hell brazila