Tuesdays with Stories! - #328 Breath Clean

Episode Date: December 17, 2019

Good grief, Mark and Joe are back as Joe might of seen a bicyclist die while Mark makes people cry at a corporate comedy show. Check it out! Sponsored by: Raycon (buyraycon.com/tuesdays for 15% off) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

hey mark fake banter for the intro that's all I know how to do great good to be here welcome to Tuesdays with stories hit her in the face with a surfboard and then the duck fell out of his bag surfs up and she didn't even flush knock knock who's there Mark Norman and Joe list yeah it's Tuesdays with stories everybody that's terrible this is supposed to be cheesy welcome to the jungle we've got fun and games yeah we got everything you want brother we know the name fun fact they almost named Lion King King of the

jungle and then some guy in the back goes wait a minute it was almost about to go out they goes there's no lions in the jungle and they changed the name oh wow that cookie some guy just chimed in and it changed the whole course of his but they call him the king of the jungle don't they they're not in the jungle where are they out in the Sahara the desert yeah you know maybe a little tree foresty area or it's a mountain you got a mountain lion there's tigers in the jungle yes so they're the king of the jungle I guess they are yeah how about that well the panther but that's a tiger no it's a cat they're all cats a feline aids they're

cats but I wouldn't call them a pussy I'll tell you that no siri reflux yes silent a panther feels like a majestic character the black with the shine I know you love a sheen on black a little panther's a little militant yeah you get that glow and the light hits the black and it's it makes that little sheenie line that's cocoa butter yeah Martin sheen yeah that's the best who changed the name estive as a sheen no estive as is the old is the real name that's the original Martin changed it cuz back then you don't want to know diversity right now you had changed it the other way you're like hey I'm an

estive as god damn it get me in there I'm diverse but back then you were like hey I'm white baby I'm Martin sheen yeah the times have changed now I'm like please I'm autistic I'm gay but maybe I'm Amelia was ahead of his time you might have a comeback coming soon well he needs one because he's the least popular esti yeah he's been stinking but I think he's the best one but he's better than sheen if you ask me I think Chuck was good in the 80s well of course and 79 of course I mean he almost died on the set of apocalypse now and then there's the other thing he was at Cleveland huh he was in Cleveland when I

was in Cleveland what I didn't see him but a superfan David Strenio oh I know he came to the show and he said hey we saw Martin sheen out there but he also said he was on mushrooms he might have been hallucinating I don't know he was by laying on the floor looking at a ceiling fan spin slowly but that's what Martin sheen he was in Cleveland walking around I guess but I was hoping he'd come to the show I would have been like the horror you know yeah I'm saying I like Chuck you like Chuck he sheen oh Chuck I mean what was that platoon platoon he's terrific and then he was great in that that Ferris Bueller cameo oh he's

great in that if you say Ferris Bueller you lose a testicle you know and don't forget major league amazing a major league wild thing want me to drag him out of here kick the shit out of him yeah language is this that was wrestling snipes actually I think that said that Willie Mays Hayes not to mention Wall Street so he's had a good run wall street yeah he ran and he also bought the Bill Buckner baseball you ever hear that story I didn't know that like six million days with facts is gonna be all over me on this one he's jerking off right now he paid I don't know six million or three hundred grand or five

hundred bucks or something for the Bill Buckner ball that went through Bill Buckner's legs 86 World Series and then Bill Buckner came out and was like he doesn't have that ball I grabbed that ball I have that ball what yeah he's like that's mine I don't trust Buckner I have to see in that catch oh I trust him because he I mean he wanted to kill himself he went and got that ball he's like hey Ricky Vaughn ain't gonna buy this piece of shit interesting but I thought that was fun so somebody fucking Rook sheen so who's got it Buckner's got the ball Buckner's dead now so that his granddaughter probably has it up her

ass but he died sheen but yeah I for the best yet a tough go well he got they got some forgiveness there or whatever he'd curb I love to curb yeah that was fun I thought he was a sexy man too he was all bow legged had a mustache you know what I mean oh yeah and had some and showed some grace to and what a batting title or two you think he has grace I don't say great I don't want grace I don't even say great that's one of the best scenes that's a great see what you see drink of the soda for the straw sorry hell of a scene but anyway so sheen scene he bought the wrong ball but I also love Emilio you got well then

there was men at work that was both of them and hot shots hot shots he was great part do estivez has young guns young guns to breakfast club ducks mighty ducks was fun Gordon Bombay quack quack quack mr. Duckworth your cake eater but that was big I didn't retort with something stronger than that well it was the it was children could he use the retard children know the n-word yeah that's a good point this one did anyway learn behavior I know in my neighborhood but hell let me just say this bring it all around talk about feline AIDS Charlie sheen has tiger bloods tiger blood and he has AIDS he's got feline AIDS wow

all right what does tiger blood mean that's just something he said right I'm a winner I'll kill you I got the blood of a tiger you know you can't fuck with me wow he could have been VP in this administration VP vice president of America is a similar thing I got tiger blood we're winning we're gonna win I think this administration oh no it feels Trumpy to be like we're gonna win I got the blood of a tiger I got the biggest dick my heads whatever Trump totally bit that whole that whole act yeah sheen was pre I wish that Trump had AIDS that would be nice oh there's a little weight you know that would be nice they die

early it'd be fun but well it's too late to be early he got 70 years old it's pretty good now I'm saying he wouldn't be dying early I guess you 72 you're not can't die early you just die I think if you have a preconceived date anything earlier than that is if it ain't old age it's early oh I don't think so you have a heart attack at 80 you didn't it's not it's not early death you got a point there it's that's a death I think AIDS is a different chapter in the in the rule book I suppose yeah but I mean I'm saying if you're 72 and you kicked off of AIDS cancer or the flu I mean that's a good you had a good run well especially if you

want to put the election which that's true whatever if I die of AIDS at 78 I'll I'll be high-fiving on the way down I'll tell you that because if I get AIDS it better be a fun way I don't want to sit on a needle in the AMC theater no on a haystack but well then at least I found it oh boy no I would like AIDS I think but I would hearing or teacher I would like you know a cock in my ass obviously but sure but AIDS riddled I don't know no AIDS seems unpleasant in fact when I watch a I don't want to get all serious whatever Johnson's he's got a smile from here well that's an HIV positive I'm talking negative yeah you got a AIDS is

when you watch one of these AIDS documentary they really it was horrible they go fall to shit and then nobody gave a shit right people like fuck you you fucking homo yeah the gaze but now that was was this is now I think it's it's the pop a pill in the morning and your your hair is growing back I think it's still unpleasant if you have it but you can take some medica if you have it in the States with money I think it's okay you'd rather not have it sure but if you got it in you know fucking Africa oh it's still a P you but man that that that's situation here yikesy dyke see it is weird how much we shit on America but

this is where you want to be with AIDS yeah with AIDS but or maybe in Canada where the bills not racking up better yeah and AIDS is the way to go or in Europe I don't even think they have AIDS in Europe not yet they're slow yeah they'll get it they'll come around mm-hmm we gotta do a live AIDS oh Freddie Mercury AIDS that is too on the nose by the way that that live aid he's got AIDS it's too close oh yeah that would bother me if I'd be triggered as an AIDS victim I'd be like all right come on there must have been somebody that drew like the ass of course of the thing kind of like when they have slaughter is the

best medicine in that movie yes that was that was clever that was a hell of a picture how do we miss that one the slaughter is the best yeah that was really good that's a good good film that Joker I don't know what happened to that guy Heath Ledger mmm he was good did he have AIDS he might have performance didn't probably forms is very healthy that Joaquin performance he looks a little lazy yes me that posture with the ribs the rib cage was a problem yeah oh boy well where should we start I mean should we get it going should we do things I got eight gigs and I got a I got a hum digger I might have to save yeah say

close with the hum ding all right hum rim job because I got some dingy things other start with a nice quickie what we're in the dark area here with AIDS so I'll stay dark oh dark night yesterday that's the film we were talking about it all comes together what a what a what a podcast come I gotta tell you there's moments where I'm we're sitting here doing show or people getting tweets and I go we got a fucking one barn burner of a pod it's a doozy and a half I think it's really good I have moments of real pride most of the time I just hate myself and I wanna you know we all hate you quit but then you have these moments like this

is a pretty good program I agree that you get that zone where you're did you see I have not seen it I heard it's a lengthy it's a little it's 20 minutes too long all right that's what when there's a point in it where he's talking he's doing like a voiceover and they said there's a moment when you're on the track and you're going like so-and-so miles an hour and you're in the right gear and there's nobody behind you and you feel like you're floating and it's some kind of metaphor for like being in the zone yeah I think we have that every now that I'm like we're the zone I say well you can't know you're in the zone

because then it takes you out of the zone you gotta just be in it but then yes you know I love that movie Tracy let's you know that guy Tracy let's I think he plays Ford or whatever older older guy fat guy I think he's Ford he was good in the trailer he's terrific in a bunch of movies Lady Bird and he's in this other movie where they get divorced that was really fun and he's like a character actor who's really great yeah yeah he was good in the movie he's as you would say there's some cheese on it Disney cheese her pee on there but hit Disney cheese it's got a mom it's got moments it's fun it's fun for the whole fam Washington

Disney cheese all right so yesterday I gotta go what was I going to therapy oh heading out to therapy and then to meet Louie so I got I should do them in reverse order sure but I'm going out of you I'm going to leave the house I say goodbye to Sarah I give her a big smooch on the old asshole yeah we had our friend Chloe Radcliffe over who's just as charming as can be this girl love a red she's a sweet as pie so she came over for the big party that you miss you missed the party kills me that I missed it we had a hell of a packed house I heard I heard we had 30 people in that apartment it was like a it was like that's

seen an easy money with all the backyard at the wedding it was like shoulder to shoulder it was just loaded and it was slim and then you never want to see this Vita's coming in and he's being like hey what's up you fucking little dick and my landlords right behind them and there's like 50 people there's like smoke billowing out rolling down the hallway it's like bachelor party I get in get in well I hid behind the tree I was like oh god I don't want to talk to us I was like hiding behind the Christmas tree and then leader walked underneath the Christmas tree John Hughes movie by the way you forgot the cookies which cookies

I think I'm gonna bring me some oh well I'll tell you Radcliffe really fucked you she took about seven boxes that whore so anyways everyone comes over we had a great group I shouldn't say too many people because people listening this comics that listen to me like I don't get the invite to the party oh yeah yeah and if you got some cookies out there share a little for you you cookie skank well I had to throw some cookies away cuz I'm like a junkie in there I was eating a cookie a day my reflux I'm just puking blood every morning now so I had to throw some cookies away damn I got two in a shoebox but anyways we got a

bunch of people there fun hand great party Chloe she rode her bike there she's one of these people that rides their bike in the winter she's a real real climate changey a real environmentalist environmentalists will say credit they're big so she's just all bundled up rides her bike but then she's got a gig she's got to go to the gig so she's like I gotta take a car to the gig can I leave my bike and you're like of course you always say of course and then like after like 20 hours you're like this is really quite in the way here it's in your home it's a big bike we got a small home that puppy on the on the sidewalk

nah you can't put in this it's too cold it's a bike someone takes it your bike taken well by the police but you got a lock on that bitch she's a lock get a lock on the hog well anyways we got the bike so then we said come over get the bus she's like I gotta come over get the bike so we said tell you what we'll make you lunch so Sarah and I we cooked up some veggies we got a rotisserie I put some Thelonious Monk it felt very adult wow I had a real adult lunch we had a big rotisserie turkey we're cutting it up and passing along we had some veggies it was really quite sweet that's bananas hell of a hang so I have this nice

hang we say goodbye I'm leaving a bike over there I give you I love I love you to say I kiss on the lips then I leave and right when I walk out you know when you just feel the air of something going on oh in the air tonight I got a fire truck a police truck an ambulance and then you got that's one thing I could be anything then you got the bystanders now when you have bystanders anytime in New York particularly when people aren't just walking by because we'll walk by you know two giraffes fucking in the street with a gunshot I mean New York you just you don't even think about it but the people are standing so like something's

up so I walk over and there's paramedics in the middle of the street direct actual middle of the street can be more middle and I just see two legs and it's raining and they I just see like these two little legs like remember Mark Wahlberg at the end of the part it has those little like bags on his feet oh yeah he's got those on with a bag pair of pants whoa and I ask a bystander and I go what what's happened bystander I go what's happening he goes hit by a car and I go oh I got a better angle his bike is like destroyed he must have been a bike guy environmentalist and the bag shit the paramedics like put it on him

so he wouldn't get soaked because it was raining oh he's just laying there and I could see his legs are like moving like Gretzky when you injured him 96 you know little twitch and I can see his head and then I had to look away because it's just that bright red blood and he's just going oh and they're there and I'm like this guy's fucking dying wow and the whole group of people and I text Sarah I'm like there's a fucking dead guy in the street here wow doesn't give a shit do we have the hit and run or what are we thinking I think it must have I don't know well these bike guys they just ride right through red light yeah I'm saying

it might have been his fault I don't want to feel bad if he's dead but that's pretty much the whole story I just kept walking as I had to go wherever I was going to therapy but it's weird when you just see it and it was like in front of my house my intersection right there what an image and then I'm walking up the street and there's just traffic and they're all laying on their horns like what the fuck and you want to just knock every window and be like there's a dead guy up here but even still the people are like I don't care yeah of course I got to get to the dentist as long as out of the way that's like a diploma film just

the rain and the lights flashing with the shaky leg and the baggy pants well it made me worried that they weren't like get them on this stretcher let's get them to the hospital like they were just kind of like comforting I'm like is this guy just dying here or what because I don't I don't know the protocol I got some paramedic family members but it was weird that they were just like he's gonna be here long enough to put some umbrella pants on two two points here one that should happens in New York probably 13 times a day oh yeah and you never see you happen to have it in front of your home but that's the shit about

being a cop as they see all of it yep oh it's like Queens the Bronx that I it's all they got to take care all that shit so just the mental bullshit the cops see it's got to be horrific and to let me throw this at you and feel free to kick me in the balls here but the term middle of the road mmm it's like oh it's the middle of the road but the middle of the road's where the crazy shit happens oh yeah you know what I'm saying like the middle of the road is like you got to run through it it's it's whizzing by yes it's it's a dangerous and if two cars collide it's in the middle of the road yes and yet middle of the road means a

guy's a little middle of the road meaning like boring and mediocre yeah what would be the opposite the side of the road is that good you got to see Dave Chappelle he's side of the road side of the road is boring right they should flip that yeah I saw Chris Rock live one time and he was up on the sidewalk there you go it's interesting I do that on stage but then people go oh we got a Seinfeld guy over here yes he's kind of taking that whole genre or whatever you want to call that bullshit yeah but anyways that's a little that's a little warm-up our toes are wet now that guy's dead and that was dark careful on your

bikes oh but motor on mine I don't think so anyways should I get into Cleveland or you want to be do we talk about me I love Cleveland I told you it's better than Cincinnati I'm sorry it is better than Cincinnati I stand corrected on that but I mean I haven't been to Cincinnati a long time I have to say but I try not but Cleveland also we're saying better than Cincinnati Cleveland's got a street I mean let's not get crazy here oh no I agree it's middle of the road I mean you got about 300 yard radius that's like this is cool little Italy's fine area I like little Italy but you're not a boozer I've gone out drinking in

Cleveland and there's another world on the other side okay yeah I'm sure there is I've done some show I like the people I love Ohio in general yeah family there and OH I love Columbus I love Columbus and I like to leto's sucks but you know I enjoy in Ohio I love Cleveland but hilarity is we talk about it a lot one of the great clubs yeah one of the truly great clubs and so we go there it's Sarah and I we fly in the Wednesday now I'm off Wednesday I gotta fly Wednesday from media Thursday so they asked Sarah to headline the Wednesday that's fun it is fun but now I'm like now I got a book of flight in the day we're gonna fly

together I'll just see you there later I forgot about that so we fly in together now she's headline but I'm just doing a spot which is a nice feeling of course he's like pacing and looking at notes like checking the watch and I'm at my feet up it's kush welcome to my world baby I'm gonna open mic this thing I'm gonna oh yeah so I feel good and we get there now we show up at the hotel that's my favorite hotel in comedy it's an embassy suites now but it's in the old arcade it's a story every single comic is posted the photo of it you have to put it's a mandatory Poe and now it comes in you know it's fun about it so

many people post it that you can just post it right two people had posted you be like ah Julian McCullough posted that you know I mean he's he got he got that one but now when everyone does you like here's it here it comes it now becomes the thing of like you have to do it now you're a loser if you don't do it right right it's like Carlin's old bit you used to be one of the cool guys with a tattoo now you don't want to be one of the losers without a tattoo aha I don't have one he's very good now me either he's pretty good big fan ages we show up there we want to check in it's like what do you call what time is

it it's 2 30 all right check-ins at 3 yes so I go up there I go hey we'd like to check in like I'm tell the whole time I'm saying say the sound this is the best room ever you can't believe how nice this hotel is because it's not just the place is cool the rooms are great I don't know if I agree with that well it's pretty standard well I've got hooked up the last time I went there I got a nice view looking over 4th Street top shelf it was beautiful all right so here they hear me out here I'm here it's get your animal asshole is going to get a little here it's all right am I fearing AIDS so anyways car well car so we got nobody

gets that one I'll be impressed by the way Tuesdays with facts he should you should make note of the Seinfelds we're referencing please that would be a challenge we're paying your top dollar because it says comics reference in this episode it should say Seinfeld and then you'd have the lines woman on that one I gave you a freebie there haha well you can get the Metallica one but any jizz I got a focus here sorry sorry focus group so we go to focus I was digressed again but I gotta stay strong I know you got a big I got a hum all right so I go to check in I say we'd like to check in one room please pair their claws yeah so

the guy says I'm sorry your rooms not ready yet now I'm a little frustrated we got suit I hate dropping the suitcase off and leave it because you don't feel like your feet are on the ground yet you want to feel grounded in the thing you want to settle because we're always moving so you just want some amount of time on the couch or the bed to feel like okay this is my home for the next few days mm-hmm I don't get that so we check the bags I go that's all right we'll get lunch sweat so we go we get lunch I show around a little bit this is 4th Street this is the club that's Pickwick and frolics this is suck my dicks that's

eat my come sure we come back an hour and 15 minutes later now it's 345 we go hey I'd like a room please we checked in the bag we're all checked in the guy goes oh boy oh room's not ready what and I go what do you mean the room's not right and I went passive aggressive I go well what time does checking typically and he goes three o'clock and I'm like okay and then I did that watch even I don't have a watch I look at the thing and I'm like because we got here an hour and 15 minutes ago and they said 20 minutes right so we should have a room then the other guy comes in I just hear this like whisper talk a couple of

keyboard just give him the upgrade oh hands me the number he goes you're in room 805 gives me the little sleep doesn't say anything just says that's an upgrade we gave you free upgrade here's room 805 I go terrific thanks we grab our luggage no we didn't grab our luggage they said we'll bring you the luggage first class so I say great we take the elevator up we go to the eighth floor big sign outside and the big whatever that cursive is presidential suite whoa they gave us the louis room baby we got the rain man situation I open the door it's double doors I open the

bathroom on my left full dining room with the thick table and the high chairs like like fucking it's like a home alone to it's like home to if you will then there's a huge living room as far as the eye can see I'll post a photo of it huge living room TV that's the side you could sleep on the TV the circumference come on then there's another one of those in the bedroom in the room it's the biggest room I've ever seen outside of every room that Louis ever been in sure and he makes you go into his room oh yeah close the door anyways that's a joke I'm kidding joke anyways the fucking room is enormous as a kitchen full

fridge the whole thing no stove but microwave kitchen coffee maker the whole thing needs a stove presidential suite we got it for four days to one night we got naked and sat in the hot tub it was beautiful the best part Saturday was championship Saturday in college football she watched Hallmark Christmas is the most gender situation I've ever had she watched Hallmark Christmas movies and I watch football all day I would check in in between and come back you know she'd be crying and like whatever yeah yeah so now we've got the presidential suite now this is a place to be my last story here but so

now there's a desk I mean it's everything it's crazy crazy room on the desk it says asked some complimentary things will we're happy to bring you one of them is steamer like for your shirt steamer and then it says like an electronic tea kettle you know those little you plug it in things and so I drink a lot of tea yeah there's like maybe I'll just have them bring it I go call them up fuck it call them up I felt like the Seinfelds that's 80 cents a nut right there's a phone of the John here so under siege two is on no more nuts we call we call the front desk and she goes I got a tea thing we go great now we wait for about

40 minutes and I feel pretentious ordering a thing at tea sure starting to be like where the fuck's the tea it's been 40 minutes yeah what my tea bitch finally is a boom boom there's literally a doorbell in this hotel room Jesus H crazy I open it it's a hundred and fifty year old lady it looks like mr. Burns in a wig wow she's got a six foot oxygen tank on wheels next to her a four foot whatever huh and at first I thought that was the tea thing or the steam I thought she was the steamer so I just look I go yikes and she was like I know and then I realized she has the plastic hose in her nose and I was like oh no not you I met

the fucking tank I didn't think it was gonna be and she's like oh that's that's my tip I was like oh and now I'm all putting it together I was like oh it's shit that's your tank who is this old queef I'm confused she works for the hotel she's got the tea kettle that's in the wrong room no she's got the tea kettle the other hand but it was blending in with her fucking dying skin I see so she gives me the tea kettle like thanks I realize I don't have any cash I had like 420s on me and smoke them and I go I don't have any cash she's like it's alright I think she said that because she's gonna be dead by the end of the

fucking transaction right right AIDS so then she wheels away with her giant tube of oxygen we and I'm like God I feel terrible but then I got mad the hotel I'm like you can't send a fucking oxygen lady up yeah if I had called and said can I get a tea kettle and she said I got oxygen I would be like I'll come get it don't worry about it send the young spry brown kid you know don't send the put her on the desk don't make her be active but I think maybe the desk they don't want people coming into a fancy hotel and seeing a hose lady you got a point and doing like Jesus I don't want to stay here I'm gonna die right right well

what the hell can you have her do water the plants or geez I don't know get to the phone lady I think you gotta shove her down a flight of stairs and just call it you know I guess so ending well oh and then this is the last thing so we're flying home on Sunday and it's a little anxiety inducing because we're having a party at our house on Sunday but we're flying also a big thing goes wrong you're gonna and we got to get home in time to go grab the groceries and the goodies the boobies you got a full dance card fatty well it was our only day to go to our Christmas party last year we missed a

casserole get sick it's annoying not annoying but frustrating I should say of course but so we're flying home in Cleveland and how about this we have a lot of travel things it's an old lady is doing the uh not oxygen old but old she's doing the boarding process and you just hear making the announcements okay we're gonna be flying blah blah blah and then she's like so we'll start calling everybody and everyone just starts lining up as they do and then she's like okay we're we're boarding no zones no first class no comfort plus no nothing we're first class sarin I oh yeah so where does stand you know when you stand there

when you're first class or even comfort plus there's like 20 people in front of you in line but you know that they're not all you're like I'll just walk right by these people and you kind of looking forward to it yes they never called zones huh all of a sudden everyone just started boarding and it's just a single file on that come up and I go are you guys all first class and they're like no huh like are you comfort plus the guys like no like get out of here wow so we had to we kind of like just snuck into the middle of the line because I'm like well we've got first class tick we're supposed to be the first ones on the plane yeah I don't want

to be a classist but that's the rules that's how it goes socialism so I go all right so we just kind of snuck in and there's like 40 people getting on in front of us oh overhead is limited oh and so I get up there and I'm like do you guys are you guys not doing the zone the lady's like oh my god she's like we do you just reminded me wow like she was like fuck like she just completely fucked up yeah and it was so it was like nothing you can do about it now and I look and like it's just packed and everyone it's every man for himself we I mean worked out for the the losers yeah the fucking losers zone threes were probably like this is great I know and the one time you get a first class see you're fucked but it was weird because she's like oh that's like

that's the main part of your job yeah I know if I went on there and just started talking they were like I don't usually do jokes and I was like fucking a I completely forgot which a lot of comics do forget but that's true uh very strange she legitimately was just like I I whiffed on this one and you're like all right well just remember next time yeah zones you fucking douche yeah ozone hey folks this episode is sponsored by Raycon you have heard us talk about our Raycon wireless earbuds and how much we love them well folks they are half the price of any premium wireless earbuds we've ever used and they sound just as amazing if not more amazing and if you haven't bought a pair today is your lucky day Raycon Raycon just released their best model yet the

e25 mark you know what the e25s I love the e25 they got six hours of playtime seemed with bluetooth pairing more bass and a more compact design that gives you a nice noise isolating fit oh wow that's good stuff oh yeah love a Raycon unlike some of your other wireless options Raycon earbuds are both stylish and discreet with no dangling wires or even stems which is nice that is nice those other ones got those stems there you look like a weirdo you've heard us talk about how the company was co-founded by Ray J and celebrities like Snoop Dogg and Cardi B these guys are obsessed with Raycons and so are we pick up a pair and see what the hype is all about tell them to call the action mark you better believe it now is the time to get the latest and greatest from Raycon get 15%

off your order at buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays that's buybuyraycon.com slash Tuesdays for 15% off Raycon wireless earbuds today buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays get on it folks yes thank you Raycon makes a great gift yes holidays all right a lot to talk about here this is where it's going to get queasy folks this is where we separate the men from the boys oh yeah Epstein oh wait he liked girls who's the boy who liked the boys was that the subway guy oh Fogle Fogle and then Epstein we had a big talk about this at our parties I didn't follow the Epstein too much I didn't know what he was doing but he was selling kids I think to these billionaires oh wow all the billionaires they want to fuck kids I think there's a lot of them they get laid so much that they're like maybe I'll dabble in the kid

thing yeah they're rather rods and sensors are all fried so they gotta keep upping the fuck taboo right that's where it's dangerous to keep fucking that's why you're gonna find one old bag and just fuck that blow that bag out yep like the skin off a baseball here we go all right so skin what do you call it the cow hide is it the hide that is hide I'm talking the end the outside of a baseball yeah the stitching yeah yeah the cover that's hide it's hide raw hide jecklin hide all right um so you know me open minded stupid gay I got an email from some cat in jersey goes hey I got a I got a room in a hotel out in jersey we got this many seats here's how much money you'll make what do you say I say you think we can sell too he says probably and I go let's do it so that's

all the information I have we start promoting the hell out of it one show sells out second show whatever gets close when I go let's do it the date you know it's a month away I don't even think about the date comes like oh shit how am I getting out there he goes I'm gonna send a guy to pick you up so this kid Rob comes right to my apartment I jump in the car I feel bags I was sick that day so I took a bunch of medicine we start chatting I fall asleep immediately oh wow it takes two hours to get out of Manhattan oh my god it was a Friday in the middle of hell Holland tunnel brutal it was like five o'clock he picked me like five I don't know what we were thinking do you have moments of going what the fuck are we doing here of course every time I go somewhere and come back I'm like

this is this horrible place to live yeah I got a little that but then you get the good parts too and all your friends are here in comedy but I have that I thought you meant gig wise like we were halfway through Jersey I'm like what am I doing this would be so much easier it's 730 I could just be doing a seller spot right now but the money was good and you know it's a new experience and Jews I don't know sure so we get there this is in the middle of wood the woods this is like way out in Philly it's called Medford hmm middle of nowhere like even the dry we had a great little chat this guy Rob really he likes threesomes he has this app where you go threesomes with strangers now is he a comic yeah okay he's gonna threesome up yeah it's called like a thinder or something

wow cleans up he said he banged a black guy's girlfriend she was Spanish in a in a motel it was wild wow you gotta be careful with that that's what I said this kid's nuts but he's cute he's like 4-1 he's just cherubic is it I don't I've never heard that word before cherubic like the cube like an angel oh like a cherub so you say cherubic cherubic is the adjective okay look at something Tuesdays the facts will be all over that one you're gonna be seeing a big red X on that one give it a goog I'll tell you cupids a cherub okay a cherub cherub cherry I know cherub rock ah that's a song all right pop your cherub so we get out there finally it took four and a half hours to get out there was brood what it was fucking brood oh the traffic and it was far away

so we get there it's at the place called the flying w it's in the middle of hell turns out it's this big restaurant with a motel attach and I'm talking motel he's like your green room's at the motel I'm like okay there's eight eight chalk outlines uh six six beds with urine all over them and jizz and you know a cow fetus it's crazy in there another lamp's work the bathroom's got spiders it's brutal six beds is nice that's a lot of beds it's a lot of beds there they were two inches big one might have been a baby coffin I don't know what was happening in there but either way that's the green room when he brought some snacks he's very nice this kid uh Cody I want to say sure and uh both Cody he goes you want to see the room I go yeah

turns out they got a flight school in the back like remember the show wings oh yeah Thomas Hayden Church it was like that lol wow it was that that was where I was performing in that flight school area and it was like what the fuck and you look outside you see a couple cessnas out the darkness so I was like this is crazy so we do the show all the comics go up everybody's fun it's packed there's some Tuesdays there no kidding they're excited I'm there we do the show the shows are killer the crowds are great I bring a bunch of shirts which I'm like here we go with the shirts I just grabbed a scoop out of my inventory sold everyone why are you sold the scoop I sold a scoop of shirts it was unreal we do the second show it's a little lighter but it was fun we did

it I ate a bowl of chili sold more shirts and then we head home I get home at like 2 a.m. oh the whole thing's a success the Venmo the money was great well done code how do I code it yeah so it you know sometimes these randos work out I mean the whole time I'm going in the middle of the woods it's four hour drive I'm sitting next to it three some weirdo but it was perfect somewhere in the swamps of Jersey yeah so thanks everybody came out to that so then I get home at two you don't go to bed till three I got a flight the next day at 7 a.m. oh same right now we're recording today 7 a.m. tomorrow Santa Anna god these 7 a.m. they loom over you like a dark cloud of jizz hey the 7 a.m. brutal so get up I got a corporate in Midland Michigan wow never even heard of that I've

heard of Texas yeah no one's heard of Midland Michigan it's outside of Saginaw it's not even Saginaw wow yeah it's tight from Saginaw so get the get on the flight and here's here's the clinker you know we're all miserable it's early it's cold I get on I got one of those great seats that are like you know it's a one row and then a two row one row aisle two row right I got the nice one row like oh I got my own little area here a single thank you and I look over there's a guy putting his shit up in the overhead and it's in slow motion there's a fat blonde lady talking on the phone below I'm like I'll tell you if these Jews don't get out of my neighborhood whatever she's saying and this roller blade falls out of this guy's bag hits her right in the head

oh my god it was because she went meh the phone dropped and you can hear like hello hello Tammy Tammy and that's less than a roller blade hits on in the head I know it was like the 90s again it was wild so this guy was like oh my god I'm so sorry I was like a crazy guy with a beard and she's like you know she's freaking out she's like my eye my I think the brake hit her at the eye remember the brake on the brake seems better than the wheel to me well it's a little jagged the wheels rounded but the wheels get jagged too from all the inline turning I feel like you shave the wheel to a point maybe you're right especially when they go through those cones and shit you know that's Sunday Park guys yeah those guys are super gay but I like those guys I like them too but they have to wear the

smallest shorts on the planet I like to see their cocks all right I guess when you're whipping and wapping around a cone you need you need a little little less fabric as possible I'll tell you it's quite a show they put on a hell of a program there they do a it's like a scissor yeah the scissor they do the the old banjo legs like noodles it's amazing it's I've been doing as a noodle like ah yeah I can see that yeah look at these oh low main uh so main empire comedy a lot of coastline so we get to Detroit now here's the thing we get to Detroit and I'm so out of it in the roller blade and everything and uh by the way hats off to this whore for not suing or anything I can't hear you there Fanny you're squeaming you're squirming you're squealing the roller blade

took it out of you it was a lot to handle I mean I was I was like watching a YouTube clip and in full full view so funny yeah it's such a funny thing to shoot you're like um exhausted like what happened a roller blade hit a lady what else that's it I couldn't believe it it was just very traumatic for me I had three cups of coffee I didn't wake up till that till that uh k2 pop down so uh I get to Detroit I'm like all right and I go all the way down to baggage claim I'm I'm all bushy eyed and bushy tailed bright eyed and bushy tailed whatever the opposite of that is I'm I'm dead eyed and uh ass asshole tail duck died and duck tails cleanly shaved tail there you go so I get down to the baggage claim and I'm like do I Uber or do is there a guy picking me up or how's this

gonna work so I text my manager I'm like well what's going on with uh with this over here he goes what are you talking about I'm like I'm in Detroit he goes that's your layover and I go ah but I dilly dallyed so much I went to I took a shit I got a glass of water I waited for 20 minutes so I'm like so I look at the board I'm like I'm boarding so I had to go back to security what yeah because I went all the way out oh god so I'm like god damn I gotta focus and I do my whole dumb pep talk like get it together Norman you suck you're bad at everything whatever so get back on the flight get to Saginaw then I got an Uber and the Uber there there's nobody in this airport I'm in the middle of nowhere bone dry outside just you look outside it's just flat nothing just ice

and I go Uber Uber Uber nothing lift Joseph is 40 minutes away or something like that I go Jesus fuck this guy cancel lift Joseph is 30 minutes away cancel Joseph is 20 I go all right fuck give me Joseph so now I wait 20 minutes Joseph picks me up he brings me to the hotel worst best western on the planet so I go ah maybe I'll make the most of it I'll go to the gym let me get a lift Joseph is 15 minutes away it's the same guy wow driver in the whole town it's like Garfield huh the cartoon Garfield every guy was the same guy as I remember I might have made that up though I don't know if I caught it I think I remember that what was the guy's name Aaron Dave Dave yeah Odie Odie was the dog and Garfield was the cat and Dave was the owner and then Jim Davis I think

was the guy that wrote it and lasagna yeah a lot of lasagnas so I go to the gym and Dave goes all right well you got to figure it out I'm I'm I'm calling tonight I'm like Dave it's 4 p.m. he's like yeah I'm I'm old I'm done or Joe because I'm done I go all right I'll figure it out I go to the gym I get out of there and I go I got to get back he's gone he was the only guy so I had to call a cab company it was like the 90s with the roller blade and he goes yeah yeah well we got a lot of orders we'll be there in about 45 Jesus God almighty so whatever I get the cab back finally I had to get cash out to give the guy you know finally get back to the hotel I shower put my suit on I go to the gig it's autism benefit this guy put it on super nice guy his kids got autism

he's a fan of the comedies and just a fun show great meal hooked it up in the groom give me a chipotle card oh wow great show got too drunk ruined everything free booze went to bed at five flight was at seven again got no sleep came back that's why I missed your party oh I was hung over and sleeping and I slept the whole day and I feel very ashamed oh it was a hell of a party I heard I missed a lot of cookies we got to get to the party yeah I want to look good for the party so this is where it's gonna get real clinky okay I gotta speed date this thing we got time we got a quarter of an hour so that was my fourth corporate this month last night was the fifth and this was the doozy oh boy all right now let me let me and please chime here all right I'll chime

there's a lot of wheels and motion a lot of plates spinning okay chimes of freedom all right win chime so this is a big gig a lot of prep had to get a tuxedo had to go to Joseph a bank and Rex rent a tuxedo oh my god so I go down to wall street I get the tux a tux is a bitch by the way when's the last time you put a tux on I don't know if I've ever put a tux on or maybe my sister's wedding that my sister's wedding I don't know tux is high high end I don't know that maybe uh yeah you get tuxes maybe my my funeral what do you call it a prom prom was tux right nah maybe yeah maybe yeah there's a tux did you get laid I can't remember probably not then no I don't know if a tux yeah so what do you wear tux to I think weddings you wear a tux the wedding party the wedding

party where's a tux I don't think I ever have maybe the party well then what were the tux before I think the Oscars that's it I thought a wedding they wore it I mean we did it in our wedding because we're fucking garbage but I think regular weddings it's a tux like the godfather they're all wearing tuxes oh yeah all right all right yeah it's one tux one no tux I think I think you're right the tux on you so wait the tux stops here thank you so I go to Joseph a bank you get the tux and I mean it's like first of all you gotta put the the pants on black socks shiny black shoes the white shirt the cummerbund suspenders cufflink cufflink cufflink cufflink cufflink on the wrist cufflink on the wrist bow tie jacket what kind of gig is this this is a this is a pharmaceutical

companies award show they're giving out awards for best drug wow well these are some horrible human beings I guess well they hated me let me I don't want to give too much away so I've got get the tux they're giving me a I got a limo at 2 p.m. yesterday to get me to Philadelphia to go to the Bellevue hotel I'm giving away too much information sorry and I get a limo they pull right outside the house I put my tux on I go on the lip I'm like who am I a limo this is bananas oh my god this is like big it was big yeah I should I should I should have been Kevin McAllister in there with a pizza I was out the sunroof you know hot curry was jayspeak yeah so get to Philly hang out and the lady goes all right well we better she's putting this woman I'm not gonna well we'll make her name Sophie

well I love a Sophie very British woman mock how are you good to see you I can't do the accent but she goes uh all right let's go over your your show I'm hosting the whole thing wow I'm Ricky Gervais I'm Billy Crystal I'm Ellen wow so Johnny Carson we got these cards it's a stack of cards no joke this this thick black cards and she goes all right so you're gonna go up and do 15 out of the gate and I go great love 15 then you're gonna start the show and I look at the the stage there's all these awards like Emmy type awards wow on stage like each award is in order are they pills they should have been pills yeah what were they little statues they were like a like a like a diamond shaped piece of glass okay but they look nice so I go all right all right and by the way

this is in a ballroom chandelier this is this is high society so now she's like all right now go hang out we'll come get you when the meal is served I was like all right so I just they put me in like a little side room I'm just sitting in there looking at my phone looking at my notes looking at the cards I mean these cards these these I should have grabbed a card because you could have you couldn't believe the words next up the category is gastro economical retardation of the fetus salad jizz anal bitch like it was crazy I had a bout of that yeah so I had to read those I'm saying in the room alone like gastro economical anal retard gastro economical anal retard I'm just trying like not flub it right and I was in there for three hours I'm bored out of my mind I'm watching

YouTube I'm jerking off so finally she's like all right let's go we're having drinks so I have to have champagne with everybody everybody's in a suit these are all rich white-haired men you know and finally let's go in I'm sitting at the table with the head of a giant news company I'm not going to say which one wow giant you've heard of it okay he's the president I got some lady on my right who's you know cured Ebola then I got somebody on my left who you know saved the monkeys or whatever and you know it's fine we're all shucking and jiving and you realize I forget how different we are than these people I'm just talking and they're going oh my god whoa easy there sonny you know talking like I'm not even trying to be funny or anything yeah I've had that I remember that

when I went to Louie's house and it was like Meryl Streep was there yeah we started talking about a certain politician I was like just going on and she was like well gee I wouldn't say that yeah my god and I was like oh and I had to pull Louie's side I'm like was that bad yeah he's like it's like it's fine who gives a fuck about these people exactly it was like it was like exactly that it was like noises oh shit all right I thought we were friendly here yeah well at what point the portions the ravioli was the first here they go ravioli then I go up and do 15 and do some awards it's in three segments then we do a steak and then we do more awards then we do a dessert and then we close it out okay so we're at the ravioli stage and we're eating and I'm going boy these

portions huh what the what the hell's going on here they're like gee I'm just talking about the portion size you fucking quiff what are you doing and they're like one guy took his glass and cleaned them like whoa whoa hey whoa slow down there Charlie did he breathe on him to clean he did breathe on I hate the breathe clean that's a horrible way to clean yeah I was like how about this hotel huh Johnson I'm he's like what are we doing here how are you guys are old you don't clean with a breath I'm sorry all right we clean with a breath so uh so I go this is gonna be a cake while I'm killing at the table job like ah my asshole liches are like Jesus Christ call the police what guy pulled the fire alarm and I'm like all right I farted at one point as some lady

fainted but I go up on stage she's like it's time to go on Mark I was like all right I go up on stage whoa man I am bombing out the gate I'm doing basically the Seinfeld opening because that was 15 minutes so I was like hey work for him I work for these idiots so I go how you nerds doing you know this is just like college man a room with a bunch of drug dealers and they're like ah all right and I go all right what am I doing what am I doing I let me go into material I first I mentioned the portions and that got a bit of that got something and then I go into material I'm like oh I hate flying trains are weird huh oh you guys drinking booze booze booze I'm in therapy bedwetting and just eating it oh boy eating it now I should preface before this whole

shebang me and my manager called this lady and said what can he not talk about okay she goes talk about anything but politics okay nobody wants to hear about politics I go it's easy done I'm not I have no political material I hate political humor they could all suck my ass she goes great so I'm bombing so now I'm like all right well she said I can talk about anything so let me go into the dirty stuff that'll get a lot I'm a road comic that's what we do so I go into that and I can hear gas but I can hear like oh boy like she like that like hey vey and I have a big clock in front of me I'm like halfway in I'm like all right just keep keep going how much time now are you doing I'm doing 15 I'm about about it's seven and a half here this is the second 15 this is the first this is still

the first 15 oh my god okay literally opening of the whole award show okay so I'm like wow okay and I'm just I'm not even doing like jizz stuff I'm just doing like you ever make love with a woman and this happens or you ever go on a date and that happened right I had a condom once and this happened you know and they're just like oh my god I do a vibrator joke it's a clean guy it's tv clean but it happens to be involved with vibrator sure table of ladies gets up walks out oh my god where do they even go I think they went to the lobby oh my god I don't know oh my god and this is like ballroom like cling cling like the whole table shifts a little the glasses shake and everybody's like turning around like what the hell well I'm picturing the seed the end of the fugitive that's

what that's exactly the situation that's exactly what it is that's exactly the the setup you're like Richard Kimball when he walks in everyone's like what the hell that's the guy from the papers right I was that was the one-armed douche you're Kimball yeah so they get up and I go oh that was bad all right and I'm just bombing bombing and I look over and there's like a whole AV what do you call it AV AC DC audio visual yes AV they got another one guy the sound guy yeah but there's like 10 of them because there's a there's a music guy there's a DJ there's a light guy there's a microphone guy and I look over and I see the late Sophie and she's going oh head in hand head in hand so I go now the sweats trickling and I'm just looking at I look back I see all the awards there's

like 30 awards I'm like this is gonna be a long night oh my god there's gonna be a long fucking night and they must be paying you a lot of money handsomely oh my goodness so I go look normand get it together like you're getting paid a lot of money to cut your limo you're wearing a fucking tuxedo you're you could be funny you know how to be funny nicks the sex stuff because everything your body's going ah fuck you you're fucking stiff right you squares I know what this I do this shit every night you know suck my dick but you know you gotta go hey just play stay the course gotta stay the course so George Bush I kill I just I'd kill the act at one point and I'm about 14 minutes and I just kind of riff around the room

a little bit and that's doing okay and I go okay you guys ready for some award show smattering they hate me they like physically hate me so I go first award up here we go and I and everything in my body's going this sucks this is bad you suck you're blowing it you're blowing it all the money you're not gonna make any money and I just have to go stand strong don't let it fuck you keep a head he's steady hand here steady over the flame my hand is burning but I'm holding it there steady Eddie yes so I go uh all right first award I'm reading the card here we go sweat dripping down it hits the card oh here we go the winner is and this guy comes up from Pfizer whatever the hell he's beautiful guy with long slick back gray hair and he goes okay gets up the podium he's like well

I don't know if I can follow that yeah I don't even know what that was oh boy I'm standing there just off to the side oh my god oh god I wanted to tackle the guy but I get it oh my god this sounds like the worst gig ever brutal brutal now you're thinking about is the money at least you're like thinking about that you're like all right well buy a new scooter or something yeah a little bit I'm so in it the money's like that's tomorrow I'm in it right now I'm in the hot tub so it's all I can focus on so he goes he does his whole speech about how we're saving things and whatever whatever I give him his award I go all right all right here we go folks next up is the award for erectile dysfunction nanoscript to eat my ass dick you know whatever it's like these words

are bananas it's like they were at one point I go it feels like you guys are trying to screw with me here you know that gets that they hate me so I like some of the winners names must be tough too they're all tough right because it's not even name it it felt like this is a David Allen Greer joke about you know you're reading the names and it sounds like black chicks right you know and I wanted to make that joke but it's his but also that would have shit they would have hated that right so they would have gasped the word black but either way we give out the the amount of awards like nine awards from the first segment I go back down I finish I go all right we're gonna have their steak now and then we'll come back for the rest of the show but it's mattering I walk down I get to my

table I go oh I'm covered in sweat they all go I thought you were good I wasn't so bad oh my god I know these gigs they're so hard then the British lady comes over to me and she goes uh you know what fuck them fuck them oh wow did I like and I go oh my god there you go it's kind of hot I was about to say there's always that one hero of human yes that comes up was like don't worry about I got it they don't know I hate that chicks a bitch that guy's cheating on his wife those people are like greater heroes than firemen to me they have no idea what that means to us because we're just like we're scum we're the shittiest person on the planet and you go no no they suck you're all right yeah I loved I like doing that if I'm at a bar and there's a guitar guy and he stinks I like to

come up and be like even though you stink I think you're okay yeah yeah stick with it yeah and you know they're all they're all trying to act like this isn't weird they're like so how long you've been doing it oh boy what have you done I'm like well I did tonight show about a month ago they're like what you you know they're blown away that's the crazy thing about comedy is it it's all about vibe it's all about mood it's all about setting and they just think they think gun to their head I'm the worst comic on the planet yeah they also come how much of it is like people need to be told that you're good right like if someone if they see you in this setting if they if they went to the comedy seller and they're like the next guy is the best comic in the world watch this guy's famous

they would die laughing because they would have that but at these things they're like who's this guy right they just got some guy and it's tucks exactly but don't you see we have here's my other thing that I wanted to run by you we've been doing comedy over a decade all you know two decades almost two here and you do it every weekend you know what jokes work you know what your a is you know it's bulletproof and we got a good act what are comics doing who aren't that at these gigs like if I bomb that bad with with bulletproof material that has been tested what are these other comics doing well I think a lot of comics aren't getting gigs like that but I don't know I mean I think they I don't know they just take it on the chin they're they're used to eating it so they

sit there and eat it I guess maybe that's it because you know we're not that used to eat I'm not saying we're better than anybody but I'm saying we put a lot of time and effort into a killing and we want to kill right now we're better than a lot of people comedy not as humans no no no no terrible humans terrible terrible I can't even cook so I'm sitting there and I'm just feeling horrible but I'm trying to muster through and they make you sit with these fucking idiots you know you got to hang with them now that's the worst part to me yes I don't want to sit with them no no no even if they're nice I did that corporate with the national predators they're like Scott Hamilton's there all the players are there it was great they're so nice they're wonderful people

and they're people that I'm like celebrities that I'm into right but I still don't want to sit with I got to go on stage yeah exactly we always talk about there's supposed to be some amount of mystery uh-huh you're supposed to just appear from the audience they just think you're gonna you're fucking Dr. Mark yeah yeah it's no good yeah well uh that was Dr. Doomsday is that a guy Doomsday was a guy that was Dr. Death Dr. Death he was a guy that was a little Dr. Death and then it's just Doomsday he was a Spider-Man bad guy I'm thinking of Doc Ock Doc Ock Dr. Octopus I know personally so Doc Ock it's like Bob Cubb this might be the most Seinfeld references I know it feels like it so by the way the Seinfeld episode we did no references is that funny what do you

mean the episode we did where we talked about him for 45 minutes we didn't reference the show no we had to have I don't know we had to I remember looking back on I don't think we made one reference in the show about him no I bet we did I had to have no way I didn't I'm just saying let fax see whatever your name is fax machine check I don't talk to my doctor without making Seinfeld references I don't either I don't have a doctor but you know you got Alan that's true he's not a doctor but he's not you lied to me we talked about this Cosby's a doctor somehow you know what the med school a doctrine ah that was a doctrine what is a doctrine I don't know is that a lady doctor a doctrine I don't know I'm not sure is the doctor in that was all I'm saying

all right let me wrap this up here where we're sticking up we're cooking all right I got an itchy eye so I'm just looking back at those awards there's a glass awards on the table there's 20 22 of them left there's two segments of that took an hour by the way maybe 45 minutes but it it was felt like three days so I'm just sitting there going I gotta go back and you're kind of trying to go to this like special place you're just like just trying to numb yourself you're like gotta get through it this will end this has to end time has to go on here we go and uh so I'm like preparing to go back up I'm like here the guy's like here's your mic make sure it's on I'm like all right I'm waiting in the wings and I look over a couple minutes in pad we ate the steak you

know and the food was amazing and I'm waiting in the wings and I look over and I see the British lady crying crying she's been crying she's like I see tears falling out she's got the the Kleenex going back and forth she's dabbing okay not not the uh the sports thing no I hate that thing I hate that thing it's enough already with that thing enough with white people doing it you're embarrassing all of us well we as we do with everything we took it and made it uncool I know god not everything many things something we you know rock and roll we took it and made it cool that's an example good point yeah sports as well I feel like we invented right but that so that wouldn't be in the category of taking it but we took it from the Native Americans

basketball I think oh yeah they had the uh the weird they had a high-lie as well and then Naismith gets the credit I guess oh I don't know he's a naysayer all right and then they say his name you picked up the base okay my point is with the with the sports I don't mean to throw it but you know black people invented rock and roll and then we we made it cool we invented sports and they made it cool yeah oh I see yeah that's what I was saying yes all right wanted to get that cleared up so I'm wait I see the lady crying and I go oh what this is not good this is supposed to be an award show a comedy event like what's happening here and this guy comes up and he goes hey man can I talk to you oh god and I was like oh yeah yeah yeah and I know this feeling I've had this before

and he goes uh so the CEO guy his wife is really upset she's uh out there screaming and going nuts and I was like the wife what what he thought what happened he goes uh he felt like some of the jokes were uh little anti-women I go anti-women the whole the whole joke is about how much of an idiot I am and I'll go which joke and he goes the vibrator joke and I go the vibrator jokes about how I can't pleasure a woman you know my girlfriend's using a vibrator because I suck that's the whole point of the joke right and I'm like how is that anti-women he's like I you know I don't know man but oh man she's pissed and now the husband's pissed and he says that you can't go back on what and I go uh well what if I just go on because I just want to go down with the ship at least like right

just uh take one for the team I'll just do the award show I won't make any more jokes I'll just read the card be a good little boy and you know take it up the ass yeah you want to finish the gig yeah and he goes they don't want to you up there they don't want to see you they don't want to smell you they don't want to hear you oh my god and I go well I mean we got a show here he goes I'm gonna do it I go you're gonna who the hell are you he goes I don't want to do it I'm off the bench I'm not a stage guy but I guess I gotta go on how they fucking went to the bullpen he was a guy who worked this the the British woman worked as a they they invent event company so she was the head of the event company and he just happened to be on the staff wow so he had to he had to go up and

do it did he do any bits did he kill no he sucked he was flumbling all over the place he's you know awkward and dumb and unfunny but that's what they wanted wow their nerves they connected with him it would have been so funny if he slowly got the hang of it and he's just pacing and he's like there's black people he's just like crazy going crazy put it in your books all right so I go and I'm fucking crushed like I had to just pretend like I wasn't but I was crushed and did you see the lady that was mad no I never saw her never saw her so I pounded a couple scotches and I went into the my private area and was just like what the fuck oh my god and I was like there's there's no way that guy's going on so I went back out to like make sure and I walk in

and he's on oh I thought it was just like a scare tactic or something but he was on and he was doing his thing wow and you know fucking I go back to the special room or whatever it is and I put my normal clothing on and then walking back into a room with normal clothes while everyone's in tuxes is a weird vibe man you feel like a garbage man oh so I see a helper lady and I see my British lady and I go should I go talk to her because in my mind I'm like I better apologize and she's like I would I would give her a minute she's she's upset but you did nothing wrong you did your thing we thought you were funny blah blah blah that's nice that was huge that was huge and then dessert came out eight like three desserts and then this is the weird part a guy goes on

and does a whole thing about his dad dying and I'm like isn't it weird that that is okay right that makes me feel way weirder there's something about jokes yes really sink into a person and pisses them off yeah well because you're joking serious is okay for these people it's similar to like Halloween costumes where you can be a murderer oh interesting here if you're a murderer people are like oh you're a murderer but if you dress as like a Native American they're like you piece of shit all right that's a great point well this guy's of someone that murdered somebody yeah murder victims being triggered right but paying homage I got a Native American I got news for you some Native Americans chopped a few heads off as well oh yeah savages and pirates some of them

some of them many were hunter-gatherers but just saying you know but yeah yeah that's a good point yeah it's weird you can go up there and be like my dad died of AIDS and his asshole fell out Christmas and and I'm in the back going Jesus I look like the people who watch me tell jokes I would never say that that's mean but they like that well you're putting people in a couple play now they gotta go oh you're dead some piece of shit oh we get it any colon can't say whatever your point all right you got a point I have a point but that's where I'm at so here's my two things I get I talked to the lady she smooths it over I hope I get paid who knows but I got in the car I was supposed to leave at 1130 I got in the car by like 10.05 wow that's nice get home

early but traffic that was a long weird ride back just like what you know you have all these thoughts that should I change my act what am I doing am I a piece of shit you're doing some corporate horseshit corporate I know but why couldn't I make them laugh they're people yeah but they're fucking corporate slob assholes that are hocking medicine to everybody that doesn't even need medicine like now I'm addicted to prilosec I can't get off the shit because they told me to solve all my problems my problems aren't even solved my stomach's all fucked up because these people wanted to sell me the drugs yeah and you're giving awards they fucked these people all right you kill thank you and I kill at the seller we should be in basements that's no point

being a track jacket shorts in a basement yes I don't know about the shorts but I'm with you I don't know why I said shorts all right jay was shorts yeah he could pull it off but superman war cape that's another one so I get home and you know you do the contemplating it's it's human nature I couldn't help it you know because it was such a bad bomb but here's my thing this is what I want from the woman who got offended and this is my thing with all the offended people you're allowed to be offended we're all different people we all have different thoughts feelings emotions come from a different place whatever the hell you want to call it here's what I want I want two admissions one

I forgot it oh no wait a minute wait a minute oh boy oh shit oh man I had to give me the second one I give you the second one this will be the first one all right hopefully it comes to me all right if it doesn't I'm fucked hopefully it comes on you one now two now one I want you to admit you're a sensitive person oh I got it back okay back don't do it do it don't go away one oh shit that's the person's the other one I lost it oh I got it I got it whoa you have no sense of humor just admit that because they wanted both ways they'll go oh I could take a joke I have to put that one really blah blah blah like no no no you have no sense humor they go no I do have a sense no no you don't I like Maria Bamford and Cat Williams and Newhart and Sam Kinnison I got a

sense of humor blow me skank you got nothing where's your sense of humor how do you not see humor in this all right ah you got no sense you're blind bad sense bad sense six cents if you I feel like you don't agree I don't agree because she has a sense of humor just a just a shitty one okay okay I'll take that shitty sense of humor shitty sense of humor or I mean if you want to be really uh political or about or kind about you could say a different sense of humor but I'll be frank hers is shitty thank you like her sense of humor is like her daughter puts on her high heels they're too big and she's like look yeah yeah she's like oh yes that's her sense of humor fucking in retard you think wrapping granny is funny right out of here you got a bad sense of humor all the people

that think talking animals are funny bad humor look it's a monkey but he's saying things yeah like okay okay put these people in ovens I say but here's number two I want you to admit you're sensitive admit it yes because you can't have it all you can't be oh I'm tough I'm cool I'm with it and then be upset by a vibrator joke get the fuck out of dodge what are you kidding me yeah blow me ah you're you're you're a weak person you're weak she's weak thank you I agree with the weak all right you are the weak so I just wanted to go look I'm very sensitive I don't have a great sense of humor but what you said bother me that I'll accept right but you can't have both that's all I want also why can't you just be like I don't care for this guy I'm gonna go home early or I'll

go in the other room I don't or just I won't listen or I'll ignore them whatever right I mean all the time people are talking at things I just look at my phone or go out zone out yeah well I think this is a CEO wife factor here all right you got no personality you got no accomplishments you got nothing going on your husband's a CEO he's made some of himself you haven't this is your personality this is your message this is your statement this walkout this is your big activism moment right you're upsetting women you're in a fit I didn't do any of the women I said a vibrator joke women use vibrators I'm I'm wanting you out who gives a shit here's who I think is that fault in this whole situation more than that lady more than you were there the people that know your act and

hire you for this event you're right away you're not a tux gig guy well they should get Ryan Hamilton I hear you what are you doing why were they book you they see the tonight show they go he over Seinfeld get them in here I know but they should do more research they should see the rogue and they should hear our podcast I mean think about what our podcast is it's insane that you're getting booked for one corporate gig it's crazy I hear you about that all the time people were like oh we wanted to do this gig I'm like okay just don't let them listen to the podcast right right well we gotta listen to four minutes and they're gonna shit blood yeah but you still want the gig right of course I want the gig I'm not faulting you for taking the gig okay I'm saying you're not at

fault I don't even think this fucking stupid idiots at fault I think the lady who sounds sweet this crying very nice lady sounds adorable and great sounds like she might be a podcast fan so I apologize to you I don't think so but hire you to do a gig at this seller or opening at the orpheum or whatever the fuck or a bachelor party or something but I don't even think she knew how do we be these people were I don't think anyone could I didn't see it coming I hung out with a few of them they were dorks but I was like I'll take it though like a joke I get it but nowadays we gotta be on notice this is not this is not the example but the this is not the what's the word there variable no what's the this is the rule not the exception this is not the exception

this is standard now that someone goes I don't like this I mean this is what all Twitter is it's what our whole society has become yeah so these gigs you gotta get Ryan Hamilton or who's a brilliant comic I'm not taking away from Hamilton he's a layer because we have a good sense of humor right I love Hamilton I love you I love my mother sure she's funny yeah she's okay but anyway it's insane and even you you're done late nights yeah your late nights are edgy I mean you're still doing pedophile jokes on late like what who on earth everyone listening goes I went to do a Pfizer better people like what you people are dumb about comedy I'll say that because they go oh he's killing this is fine right like if I had killed there I feel like I would have even if that lady

got offended I feel like I'd still be doing it if it had killed with the same jokes she would not have left right well also people like the the British lady that books you she's thinking like people have a hard time thinking like all every person yes of course like I remember that when the Louis thing happened talking to a comic who was like ah he's gonna be fine I read the thing it's not so bad I'm like are you crazy right dude this it's over yeah yeah and people are like no no because if you look at the thing it wasn't that I'm like dude yeah like people I remember she watches your act and goes oh it's great it's a little edgy but do whatever you want yeah she's not thinking people have a hard time thinking like another person would think we have this

happen all the time when we're having discussions at the cellar table well I'll be like well it's a little offensive people like what that's a fact I'm like I'm not offended to them I'm not a I'm telling you now I have this conversation with Sarah a lot when she read a bit and I'm like people are not gonna like oh yeah yeah yeah or or whoever it's random comics all the time I'm like the audience is gonna groan yeah but what I'm saying I'm saying this yeah I know what you're saying I'm telling you how a fucking moron right wherever a bumble shit Ohio's gonna respond yeah they're gonna go he said whatever some of the best comics are the ones who are that's another skill no one talks about it's putting your head in their head right a lot of people

can't do that and oh my head's in everyone's ass yeah yeah head up the ass I don't mind that but I prefer fisting but look we gotta wrap it up so I had to get that off my anal so I don't know where the I don't know if the checks come up my manager's dealing with it now so we'll see what happens well you could sue them I mean they if they didn't pay you you did the gig I did well I did half the gig basically but they fired you that's on now all right you fire somebody you gotta pay them all right oh is that right of course if you quit they don't have to pay you oh no quit I hung out I had dessert if there's a contract that says you can't say this and then you say it and then they fire you they don't owe you money I see you breach the contract yes they said go up there and

say whatever you want and then you say my mother's tits are small and they fire you you're getting money great maybe I'll try to get some overtime and unemployment as well yeah why not benefits that was a hell of an episode I mean that was a roller coaster oh it's not over yet we're gonna end in here oh where you gonna be uh this weekend somehow people I hope they stay around for the plugs and everyone's while people like Lafayette I never heard of this gig oh yeah I've been plugging it for nine months this Friday Lafayette comedy in the what's it the double tree or something like that yeah I think it's a double tree you get cookies look at it oh sorry you can't have I've been eating some cookies I got cookies on the brain Lafayette comedy this Friday Saturday

secret group Houston it's a Saturday night it's before Christmas it's secret group come to it December 21st and thus ends my long run of every weekend working and killer killer weekends too and then Madison in January I think it's the 22nd to the 25th or something like that something around that that area god I don't even know the fucking dates January 23 through 25 Madison Wisconsin that's one of my favorites a bunch more dates coming up and um I think we're gonna have a live an old live episode next week so we won't hear a new episode next week on Christmas Eve it's Christmas Eve oh yeah so but we're gonna take a live episode from the Patreon you'll hear that because most of you probably didn't hear it because most of you are not on the Patreon but

you should be should be so uh happy holidays merry Christmas we're extremely grateful for all of our gays and uh yeah Houston the albums big things coming in 2020 yes and thanks for coming out to Santa Ana oh yeah uh next this weekend I'm at the blue room then I'm at Portland uh then San Francisco love that club Yuck Yuck's coming out to Vancouver uh side square is in Tampa uh then the comedy store in La Jolla a lot of fun dates coming up oh I'm doing the I also got some shows at it royal oak and I'm doing the dynasty typewriter two shows in LA in late January yeah Sam did it and he said it was great so I said I want to try that yeah I was intimidated by that one and uh that'll do it a lot of fun gigs mark normancomie.com thanks for coming praise all uh sorry about the

corporate gig blow me for our quay fatal semen