Tuesdays with Stories! - #329 LIVE From Moontower w/ Chris Distefano & Ron Bennington

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

Hey hey Tuesgay's, we're wishing you a happy holidays with our live episode from the 2017 Moontower Comedy Festival with guests Christ Distefano and Ron Bennington. Enjoy! Sponsored by: Native Deodorant (nativedeodorant.com code: tuesdays) & Cannae Pro Gear (cannaeprogear.com code: tuesdays) Subscribe to our Patreon for full video of the show, bonus eps, and all of our pre-2017 episodes www.patreon.com/tuesdays We have have NEW t-shirts. Get em' here! www.merchpump.com/product-category/tuesdays/

Hello, dear Tuesdays. Merry Christmas Eve to you, or Christmas, whenever you're listening to this. But if you're a true Tuesday, you're in the other room hiding from your family, listening to Tuesdays with stories on this Christmas Eve morning. Now, if you're a real, real gay, you're aware—this is Joe List talking—you're aware that the last couple weeks, or a couple years, I should say, Mark and I have taken this week off as it gets a little crazy. Mark typically is in New Orleans. I'm typically in Boston, although this year I think he's in Massachusetts with his lady, and I'm in Houston with my wife and her family. And then I go to Boston, and then I go to New Orleans, so we had a crazy schedule. In fact, we had to pre-record just to get episodes out for New Year's Eve, which is next week, which we will have a new episode,

and the next following week after that. So those are all pre-recorded. And this week, no new episode, but we wanted to give you something. So what you're about to hear is a live episode from Moontower 2017. It is one of my favorite episodes we've ever done. The live ones are very different, and this was a special one because it was at Moontower, which is our favorite festival, and there's a dog barking in the background. It's annoying. But it was 2017. I guess, shut the fuck up! It'd be weird if you couldn't hear the dog. Can you hear that dog? You must be able to. It's fucking annoying. Anyways, the guest for Krista Stefano, who's one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life,

and Ronnie B. Ron Bennington, who is a legend for Christ's sakes, we were happy to get him. Hi, Jinx and Sud, two of the funniest guys we know, and it's Mark and I. Mark is the funniest guy I know. So it was pretty awesome, and we wanted to give you that. So it's been on the Patreon for a couple of years, so I don't want you to feel ripped off if you've been on the Patreon. But here's a little taste of some of the things you get on the Patreon, so we encourage you to join the Patreon, because you'll get this live one and all the other live ones. We have one with Yanis Pappas and Nicky Glazer. That was incredible. We got one with Michelle Wolfe. We got Bobby Kelly's on one of them. Bert Kreischer and Nick Vatterot are on one of them. And then there's like old school ones with Jason Canter and Christy Cello.

There's a lot of live episodes up there, plus all the queues and all that good shit. But anyways, we wish you a Merry Christmas. We'll be back next week, and enjoy this episode from Austin, Texas, 2017. I believe it was, no, 2018. I'm sorry, 2018. We're back this year from Moontower, April. We'll be doing another live one, and this was at Antons or Antones, which is like a legendary music venue. And it was fucking hilarious. I was proud of it. I think about it all the time. So apologies if you've already heard it. You can listen again. And if you haven't heard it, enjoy and wishing you a very safe, healthy and happy Christmas. And we are incredibly grateful for the support. Thank you, and we love you. Enjoy.

Oh, two skates. That's a lot of placenta. Makes plus sense. All right. I should have wore a skirt. I could have done a little, you know, Sharon Tate. Oh, basic instinct. Yes, Sharon Stowe. You know, I never saw that film or scene. It's not great. Yeah, I don't think it's that great. I just wrote a loaded weapon and I didn't get it because it was a beaver. And I remember my whole, all my friends laughing and I was like, beaver. Yeah, I didn't. I was like, I don't even know what's a beaver.

Two things about that. You don't hear about beaver anymore. It's never called a beaver or a box. Those were two great ones. Well, I did the old joke earlier. My girlfriend, my wife, I got to update the bit. My wife can't do karate, but you should see her box. It's a classic. What about when she steals something? My wife's a kleptomaniac. You should see her snatch. Well, who's writing for you? They're good. Thank you. Don't heckle, please. Put the phone away, mom.

It's Barbara Dugan. You're good. But why the clap, Jimmy Dugan? Sorry, what? Other thing about Sharon Tate was that she, there's a whole scene where she fucks a guy and it's a hot nude scene. She's on top and then she stabs him with an ice pick and no one talks about that. But then they talk about this thing and all you see is like half a labia minora, not even Majora. Wait, she stabs? I don't even know the premise of the movie to be perfectly honest with you. No one does.

I get that an indecent proposal confused. Yeah, 90s hot sex movies with Michael Douglas, throat cancer from a cunniling. Yeah, yeah, which I thought I had for a while and it was hurtful because I had to lump in my throat for a long time. You guys are listeners. Seaman. Yeah, and it was a big lump of cum as it turns out. Yeah. And geez, very vocal front area over here.

She likes cum. Who doesn't? I know some women who don't. It's the lifeblood. Yeah. I feel like, I've said this before and I've got to stop saying it, but I feel like I would like a load on the back. I've told you again, I can make it happen. I know.

Maybe we'll end with a big spicy one. Hot love, like a whole Cinnabon. It feels like it would be a fun... Is any woman here or man willing to explain the feeling of getting a nice hot one on the back? I mean, it's got to feel like a receipt, like you earned it, you know? Like if a girl squirts on me, I'm like, yeah, you remember. But that's, but that's urine, you know. No.

Yes. You're out. No. Clap if you think that the spray business is urine. Okay, okay. Clap if you think it's shit. All right. Clear shit.

Wow. I've had those from stress. Clear shit. Yeah. One time my wife had Ebola or E. coli or Harry pubes or whatever, but she had something happening. Harry pubes. That doesn't make sense. It sounds like a theater actor.

You got to see Harry pubes and Hancock. She had something. What's the thing when you shit the blood and all the shit? Oh, miscarriage. No, no, no. No. No. The people oohing clearly got coaxed into coming here.

Yeah. It's gonna be a lot worse. Fuck. Somebody shot up. Colitis. Colitis. She had colitis. Now that's a star pattern.

No. It's not colitis. That's the star of David. Ah, gross. Oh boy. I love the Jews. I love the Jews. But we are in Texas.

I'm just, you know, playing the room. Well, she had, she had clitoris. Sorry. And what happened? I stole these out of the green room. They fell out of my pocket. Whew. You know, still they're ours.

Good point. Ours. I like to steal. I know. Snatch. All right. What were you saying there about your girlfriend's asshole? She had a cuddlingus.

What? And what? What's that? Don't worry about her. She's senile. That's the last outburst out of you, lady. Yeah. Your shirt looks like the hat from Caddyshack.

Oh, it looks good on you. It comes with a bowl of soup, that shirt. Yeah. It's a great film. I was watching it on the plane right here, but they were cutting. They edited it, so I had to turn it off. They couldn't say brown nose. What?

He goes, he goes, I'll take Judge Smales if nobody else is. And then the scene just cuts. Do you think that's an ethnic thing or a shit thing? I assume it's shit. I don't think it has anything to do with ethnicity. Well, brown. I see a lot of fedores in the background, so we might want to cut out the edgy stuff. Well, it's the people that aren't into, you know, the brand of humor.

Oh, hipster folk. I feel like the room is divided. We've got a bunch of wild animals up here and a bunch of... They're wild, too. All right. Speaking of wild... Oh, but anyway, she had colitis, and this is the most comfortable I've ever been on stage, by the way. I really am enjoying this.

You guys good on the left? Can you see? All right, just checking. There's nothing to see. I look the same. Yeah. You think I got to get mouth surgery and nothing improved? I had mouth surgery.

Well, Brendan Sagill had a great line. He goes, they have to do a C-section to get your teeth out, which is a great line. That's funny. That's pretty good. And then I said, no, my face is all puffy. It looks like yours. And... If you know...

It's a funnier line if you know Brendan Sagillow, but literally zero people know Brendan Sagillow. And that won't be changing. He's a puffy guy. Yeah, he's not going anywhere. No. I think the colitis story has no chance anymore. That shit has sailed. Aha.

Yes. All right. Well, I had... Can I type up my flight here and then we can bring our first guest up? Yeah, yeah. I had the worst guy on my flight. Like, you know, he was hanging out before the flight and he was super loud. You're introducing him right now?

What? That was a joke about our guest. Oh, sorry. He had a duck dynasty beard, a camo hat, you know, boots, like a cowboy boots. And he was just one of these guys like, you know what I'm saying? Everybody hated him. He was so loud. I was like, God, this guy was right behind me in line to get on the plane, sits directly

next to me. Oh, jeez. I'm stuck with boots guy. I hate boots. But I like boots personally. I don't mind a boot, but not on this guy. You know, like they were doing construction in the airport and he goes, that's some of the worst drumming I ever heard.

Oh, jeez. And you're like, all right, I get it. Stop. And you know, you didn't want to give him too much smiles because then he wouldn't leave you alone, you know? Yeah. You got to balance the smile. Yeah.

So I'm sitting next to him. He's a big guy, so people get bumping him, going down the aisle. And he's like, man, one more motherfucker hits my shoulder. I'm going to kick his ass. I'm like, ah, all right. So are you in the middle? No, we were aisle to aisle. Oh, both aisle.

So he was leaving across. Yes. What kind of psycho talks across the aisle and not to this person? This psycho. That's what I'm saying. Oh my God. That's a real boot douche. So then he was a BD.

So then I'm on my aisle and he goes, can you close that shade? What? The shade's at the window. That's insane. This is my row. We want to be to close it. Oh, he's probably afraid of getting sucked out like the lady. Oh, yes.

Southwest. Yeah. Is she here? Did she die? We should be careful because that's a Texas. That was a Texas scenario. What do you mean, Texas scenario? Well, they might know her.

Well, is she from here? She was flying to Texas. Oh, I didn't know she was flying to Teja. Yeah, it was New York to Texas. Wow. My friends called me. Like, were you on the plane? 9-11?

That one? No, no, the suck plane. Oh, the suck plane. Suck your bus. Suck your flight. Suck your joke. All right. I didn't get any of those.

I got the last one. The last one made the most sense. All right. Well, yeah. So I had to tell you about this douche. Yes. Then he got like a bunch of drinks throughout the flight. Oh, it sounds like a drinker.

Who's a boozebag? Yeah, for sure. But he's our first guest. I wonder if we could end this with... I feel like I could dive into the crowd and you guys could catch me. I feel like we could make that work. This guy is saying no.

That was a great no. That was very Larry David. All right. Well, let's get our guest down here because we have two guests, two legends, one very attractive, one not as much. Oh, yeah. That's true.

What do you want to do about seating? I think we put one over there. What did you say there? Granny will catch you. That was a bit of a delay. We're going to need you to... If you're going to heckle, make it a little more timely,

but also don't. Stop. Jesus Christ. Are you a grandmother? Of course. Oh, of course. Of course. All right.

I know you're a Latino, but you pretend to be. All right. So you're not interested in talking about the feeling of a... You are. Oh. What?

The load on the back. Oh, yeah. You've had a few. You fuck Steely Dan. Could you give us... Obviously. Could you give us 10 words or less? What is it like to get a nice hot one

on the back? Are you willing to do that? No, I don't know. You don't know? Oh, she's a... She's smaller. Oh, yeah, don't fake it. If you've never...

Yeah, if you've never had it. I really... It just seems like fun to kind of have that... You know? Yeah, the warmth. It's love. Yeah.

Yes. What do you go? Tits? Space? Dinner? Oh, jeez, Mark. Come on. I had to get to the dinner line.

Oh, man. Oh, man. It's icing on the cake. All right. Well... Do you have any gay male bottoms here? Or gay male top? But the top's not getting

the load on the back. I think everybody gets a load at some point. It's very sticky and messy in those gay arenas. Not one homosexual here. No, there's got to be one. Come on, statistically.

Well, let's get our first guest out and see if it changes. He's hot. All right. Folks, we're so happy to have him. One of the hottest guys I know, one of the funniest guys, do you want to say something?

Oh, I was standing. Oh, we'll stand. What are we standing? Oh, okay. Well, yeah, this guy's great. A good friend of ours. Hilarious guy. New York zone.

Put your hands together for Krista Stefano. What's ever a sign you want? Wait, maybe you should go there. Yeah. Like your politics. I think you should sit over there because we don't want to make Ron walk.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's a portly fellow. Yep. All right. Christy, everybody. Give it up. Hey, watch that. Christy.

Hi. Christy. Yep. Now, Christy, have you ever had a hot load in the back? Hot load in the back. No. What about the front?

No. I mean, I did. I went in the front. I never did like crazy gay shit. Like I've done like subtle gay shit. Oh, I didn't know that. Not like I'm not gay, but I went to like an all-boy Catholic high school.

So like, you know, I got off to a gay start. Wow. And it's like, I feel like when you do, you know, I was listening back there and it's like, yeah, I've never taken a load, but like, you know,

like when you, when you go to all-boy Catholic high school, like you do really gay things to make yourself even straighter. Like the straight guys will act really gay as like a cohesive unit to like show that they're not gay by doing the craziest gay shit.

Like I remember we were like on the basketball team and like the new guy would be in the showers and I'd be like, what's up buddy? Welcome to the team. Let me see your dick. Wow. And then, you know,

he'd be like, what? I'd be like, your penis. Let me see it. Why wasn't his dick already out anyways in the shower? Well, we were, you know, 15, 16 guys going bathing suit shorts and that wasn't going to fly with me.

I was the captain. I was like, I need to see your cock and balls. None of this. We have the same policy on the show. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah.

But never taken a load. But, you know, I grabbed my dick three times today. Yes, you have grabbed my dick. I've enjoyed it. Yeah, I grabbed your dick three times. No, is this a white team?

Are you getting some Asians in there? No, no, no, whites and blacks. Oh. Catholic high school. Interesting. Yeah, old boy Catholic high school. But yeah, the black guys

were pulling out too. I mean, we would fucking love it. There was a new kid that transferred to our school our senior year on there. He was great. This kid, Jamal Wagner, unbelievable. And he just looked like

we were like, this kid's got a fucking dong. So, I remember like, we could not wait to take showers. Like, you know, we're like, I can't wait to this kid's fucking, I want to wrap it around my neck. And then. I'm picture playing

tetherball down there. But he fucking came in with the bathing suit shorts. And we were like, ah, fuck. Yeah, because you can't say anything to him. He'll fucking kill you. So, we just have to, you know,

we just imagined it. Is the only guy with a gun in a bathing suit? Yeah, we just went home and fucking, I jerked off. That's a bummer. Yeah, we, I went to a Catholic high school as well.

And we used to, there were women there, but we used to do a thing where we just prop our balls on the desk. Oh, yeah. Tea bag shit. Yeah.

You gotta be careful because then someone can squash them. Yeah. Like, press your luck. You're pressing your luck. No whammy. Whammy.

Kill blammy. Oh boy. You can't do any of that shit now. No. Fuck you. It's not, yeah. It sucks.

I hate living in this world. I want to pull my nuts out. A guy I know who went to an all-boys Catholic school in New Orleans got kicked out for tea bagging a freshman. And our first thought was, ah, he got caught.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tea bagging. No, they're not gonna do that. No. It was a freshman. They're not gonna play. Freshmen have teeth. They don't know the drill.

I don't know. I would not ball bag or a tea bag against the will. You never tea bag anything, Joe? I've never tea bag anything. I never, we've talked about this

on the show before. I have no ball pleasure. I don't have any, to me it's more anxiety because it's such a sensitive area. Yeah. I don't want anyone near my balls at any point.

Although you all are because they're very lengthy. So. Right. They're draped over the monitor here. Yeah, man. I got the lengthy ball.

So you feel like, I feel like you got a real hacky sack. Tighten it. Me? Well, you know what it is? I do have, I have relatively big balls.

I have a decently sized penis, but what I did was, once, I, it's like not that, one happen was, one time, I was, I was sexting,

right? With a girl. I mean, fuck, whatever, what are you gonna do? You know, everybody's sex, you know, you know.

Never done it once. Sexting with a girl. And, this girl's like, oh, let me see your dick. And I had none. I was like, I can't have nothing.

She's like, come on, it'll be hot. I don't care what state it's and I want to see it. And I was like, ah, fuck. So, I was laying there.

I had gray sweatpants on and the time, the remote control, the cable remote, was right next to me. So I stuck it in my pants. Oh, smart. And it looked like

I had a fucking hog. And I took a picture of it and said that she was like, oh my God. And now all my friends have that dick pic. So it's like, if you ever get like a dick,

wow. I've seen it. You showed it to me. And it looks very impressive. It's well done. It looks like a monster cock, right? Yeah. It does.

It's not, dude. It's fucking the cable remote. But now you can't ever, you're going to have to hit last channel next time you wish for it. I know. Well, you know what,

it's always like a kind of a let down when like, you know, then like the girl I've sent that pic to, like, you know, hopefully get a chance to like sleep with.

I turn all the lights off. I fucking, you know, where both as drunk as possible. A little Roku box. It's a good joke. But no, she might see your dick and be like,

Oh, it's a lot less bumpy. Yeah. Oh no, I got fucking warts. I mean, everyone's got fucking speed bumps. You know? Yeah.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Fucking this is. Yeah. I used to be an airport parking lot back in the day. This is like human braille. I even had the fucking thing

that comes down. The little arm. It was wild. But I went to Planned Parenthood. They're a wonderful place. I donate monthly. Have I told you my dick pic story? No.

I think I might have said this on the pod. If I have, you don't say anything. So, I sent a dick. I fucked a girl in Scottsdale years ago. Nice. Pretty hot.

Like way out of my league. And later she said, send me a dick pic. And I said, you got it. And I really got it going. I sent it to her. And then like four years later,

somebody tweeted at me from Montana. Oh. And they said, Hey, is this your dick? And it was. It had my sheets. My sheets were in the background. Wow.

What'd you do? Did you retweet it? No, I didn't retweet. I tweeted it and got off Twitter. Wow. Oh my God. That's the, that's the danger of.

It's in the cloud. It's all out there. Yeah. It's in the colitis. It's tough though. I mean, you get in trouble for anything now. You know,

I just fucking, I, you know, I just, I do whatever. You got to fuck kids. I'm going to get, it's going to happen. You're going to get in trouble.

Somebody's going to be upset. And someone's going to just protest that they hate your life. Right. So I don't fucking care anymore. It seems like they only, they only give you shit when you're successful. Oh yeah. Have you noticed that?

I don't want to get to the next level. Cause I'll just beat the shit that I've done. Oh my God. I'd be over. Jerk it off an hotel room. That's a fucking layup. You know, like that's, Is that bad?

No, I'm saying like, I enjoyed it very much. A half hour ago. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's nothing. By the way, I need more tells.

All right. Sorry. Yeah. I need one for the week. I think this is a good turnout. Good. Nice people. Here's guys.

Very nice fans. Oh, thank you. I really believe that. I got to assume a lot of them are not fans. You are great. I do like it. I like the town. Nice people here in Austin.

Very nice people. Great town. Yeah. The hipster, but you guys, but you're like a little bit, but I've seen a little bit, a little bit of them. Yeah.

Well, they're fine. What time did you start drinking for the show? Can I ask that? I feel like you've been pre-gaming since the last time we were at Moon Tower. Yeah. 2012. I was waiting for an answer. No.

She only talks when we talk. It's enjoyable. Got it. Hey. Hey, folks. We all use deodorant. You got to use it. You don't want to be a stinky winky out there.

I like a nice natural deodorant. What do you think there, Fetty? I love it. I have one. My wife has one. I love it. I mean, I don't want to get ahead of the things, but tell them about this one.

Big fan. That's what my wife is using. Same here. The gal uses it. I use it. I put it all over my body. You don't want to try something that doesn't work. I get it.

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That's nativedeodorant.com and use code Tuesdays plural during checkout. Native deodorant, take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live. But anyways, how about this, everybody? I tried to pack light for the trip. I'm trying a new thing. I went backpack only because I only wear one outfit for the week. I'm wearing these jeans and this jacket for four days, probably 15.

She's using a couple of t-shirts and undies. I took three pairs of underwear, rolled them up, two t-shirts, a couple of socks, and three books that I won't read. Yeah, I do that also. Put them in my backpack. But then we go to Magnolia. First thing, we go straight to Magnolia. I get the queso, big fucking yellow low to my leg, not as pleasurable as a back. Yeah, well, I think queso.

Maybe we'll go to Magnolia, throw some queso in my back. It's very similar. That's yeah. And then you can lick it right off. Oh yeah, I'll get a chip. I'll get a chip. Let's go pant shopping tomorrow. Get some jeans, I'll go with you.

I'll get some pants. And how about these boots we saw? We saw, we first of all, we walk in the boot store. Y'all are fucking crazy with the boots. We walk in, there's a pair of boots for sale for $1,500 on sale. Wow. And I was like, this is insane. Yeah.

And the girl goes out, the woman, she goes, this is not the most expensive pair. And I said, take me to the most expensive pair. So we went through like a beaded wall, she cracked some glass. There's a six, she told us $15,000. $15,000. I look at the price tag, it's $15,995. I go, so it's actually $16,000. Wow.

And she said, well, $15,000 in change. And I was like, stop trying to trick me, $9.95 isn't change. Yes. You asshole. It's $5 away from $16,000. Sounds like a real boot cunt. Boot cunt. We had a boot douche and a boot cunt.

Yes. That's how you mark the time, BDBC. AD would have made a little more sense. Would have got a little more. We got it. Anyways, $16,000. The bartenders are very confused. They seem to enjoy it.

How about the bartenders, give them a big tip and hit them up. Wow, raising the roof, old school. I love it. She is old school. All right. Yeah. Give them a hot tip and thanks for coming. Now, Chris, you're a big Brooklyn MOOC fucking lunatic.

You got some crazy stories. No. Your dad's nuts, the neighborhood's nuts. Can you give us a little gem or give us something? Well, I'm not a fucking, I mean, I think my friends are nuts. You know, I'm like, I'm a kind of, I mean, whatever. You're MOOC-y though. I am MOOC-y.

I mean, I sound like a fucking garlic nut. I can't lose my accent. But I think I'm more, you know, I'm like scared as shit. I'm scared of like ghosts. Like I try to reach it. Really? I have a lot of fucking anxiety, dude. Well, can I just talk to you about your anxiety real quick?

Because I study anxiety. I have a lot of anxiety. I have the word tattooed on my arm. What do you do? Oh, anxiety. Yeah. Oh, I hope those are people you killed. Yeah.

Well, it's Catholic. I know. It's fucking Catholic scripture. Well, let me just tell you this about ghosts. They're real. For 100% not real. Okay. So you can clear that one off.

All right. Well, I fucking can't wait. Watch what's going to happen in your room tonight then. Every time you say, every time you say they're not real, you're going to get spooked out tonight. You're going to get a ghost? I hope I get spooked. I'll spook them. Like save me a towel.

Sorry. I thought that was going to be big. Well, there's something, some kind of... I was like, this one's going to be huge. Oh, yeah. I'm just scared of this. I'm just scared of shit. And I don't really have the kind of friend group that I can talk to about it.

Like I feel like you're like, you know, I could, we were like close. I could talk to you about it, you know, because you're like a fucking like weak, you know what I mean? Like a little, like a little fucking gerbil that I fucking... Oh, man. Dude, I'm kidding. What if I just tuned you up right now? Oh my God.

I would love it. Like Jesus, your legs are kicking. I'm kidding. I told you could beat the shit out of me. I was talking. No, for sure. I don't have, I don't, my friends are like, like I got my anxiety. I was talking to my friends a couple of weeks ago, one of my friends, it's got Pat.

First of all, this is how you know I'm Queen's Trash. I have five friends named Pat Finnegan. Five different friends. And they're all firefighters. I swear to God. And I was talking to one of them, the worst of them all. And I was like, I have anxiety. And he was like, what?

You fucking anxiety. I'm like, I have anxiety. It goes, yeah, anxiety is for the Democrats. What does that even mean? I didn't know what that means. Then he was like, I'll just ask Hillary about your anxiety. And he like laughs and like punches me. And I'm like, what the fuck?

Who are you? I'm telling you, but you know what's interesting about him? First of all, every time the fire, how Spell rings, he does a shot of whiskey. So he's going into almost every fire kind of buzz. Because I'm sure like they're doing shots. And he's got three medals for pulling people out of fires. Like saving lives. Wow.

And it's like, if you knew his political... He is an asshole. I swear to God. But if you knew his political opinions, you'd be like, let me burn. It's like, he's the worst. Interesting. Yeah, but he wanted to come this weekend. So it makes you wonder, what's worse?

What do you mean? You know, like, so I couldn't see through Joe's chin. But yeah, like everybody's so hung up on politics. And what's your stance? And where do you believe in? But this guy's saving lives. Yeah, of course. Fuck alone.

Of course. Yeah, fucking, I mean, you know. That's what we're at. We could go on the bullshit all day. And he only gets one vote. That's true. What do you mean? We're really going to need you to take it easy.

People are getting... They're making faces. Yes. Perhaps that... Where's the DD on this? Oh, you're... Wow. Wow.

I don't think anyone drives here. I see cars. Yeah, I guess you're right. I've seen a bunch. So anyway, so he's an animal. Animal. Animal. You have a lot of animal friends.

I'm a class. I guess in many ways I'm just your typical, like, New York shithead. Like, you know, I fucking went to Catholic school. I have a Puerto Rican baby mama. You know, I have a fucking kid out of, like, wedlock. I have anxiety. Like, I talk to my mother every day. Like, I'm that.

Like, but, you know, I try to, like, I'm aware of it, you know? So I try to, you know, I do comedy. Like, the fact that I even attempted to do comedy, like, and follow, like, an art film, my friends are like, ah, fag, you know, like, all the time. It's like, nobody respects me at home. Like, ah, you fucking suck dick on microphones. I'm like, what are you talking about? I try to, like, write shit.

I would probably get a good laugh. Your friends are my family. It sounds exactly Irish fireman saying the F word that I don't approve of personally. Well, I don't say it. They, you know, they say what they say. Right. Same here. Check out my Netflix special season two, episode one.

There you go. Thank you. Appreciate it. I have the friends that come out, they do the same thing, and they would come to my shows and heckle me as, like, some form of love. Right, right, right. What does that mean? Yeah, I mean, it's fucking bullshit.

I mean, what, but even my parents, like, I remember, you know, I did Letterman in, like, 2013, and it's, like, the biggest thing I, you know, at the time, I was like, oh, my God, you know, TV set, it's David Letterman. My mom and dad, who've been divorced since I was, like, three months old, seriously, like, my mom literally saw me. Three months? Yeah, she was, like, like, they got divorced when she was pregnant with me. I had fucking shit show up.

He was like, I put in my 90 days, I'm out. They started, my mom and dad started fighting in the middle of my set. Whoa. Yeah. At the taping? At the taping. Like, almost got removed from the audience because my dad felt, my mom felt that my dad was in the center.

Whoa. And it wasn't, like, his right to do that. It's rare you can watch comedy and see why it's being done at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, it was just, I saw a little commotion. I didn't think it was my family. Yeah. But I saw something and it was, like, noticeable where, like, the front crowd, like, kind of,

like, looked and I'm, like, what the fuck is happening? And then I was with James Madden, the great man dog Madden. Sure. That was your mom and dad fighting over your bullshit. Like, oh, well, yeah. Wow. Wow. So did he hit her?

No. No, I don't think my dad ever hit my mom. He's getting better. Yeah. I don't think he ever hit her. Wow. That was a great set, by the way. That was very exciting.

Oh, I appreciate it. My suit was too big. I had a big suit on. And I bought a, I bought a very expensive tie in the village. And then somebody, I won't say his name, was a comedian who came with me. He insisted I wear this other tie. That was a bad tie. And then everyone, all, every fucking YouTube and Twitter is like, nice, fat tie, you fucking

loser. And I'm like, oh, it's my big moment. He looked like a Dick Tracy villain. It was bad. It came to points over here. It was like a hexagon. It really sucked. I did mine, mine of John Travolta was the other guest.

Whoa. Yeah. You're a crazy story. And my mom was like so pumped. She was like telling everyone. She's like, I'm going to see John Travolta. I'll let him in. I'm like, and your son.

She just didn't care. No. But yeah. So I was going out next. And the first time I've ever been on TV, shaking, I mean, legs shaking. And John Travolta had just come off and he stopped me and he goes, ooh, suits a little big. That's what he said to me.

And he was like, yeah. And I was like, oh, I was dying inside my suit. How was the massage? We'll get to that part. Talk about hot load on the back. It's coming. By the way, the second row fainted when you mentioned John Travolta. Yeah.

Oh lordy. That's my mother. Marino. So he's like, oh, a big suit. And then I'm like, yeah. And then he goes, but then he said, you know, he said that quick. But then he was like, but it's, it's, it's, he goes, it's on, it's on some big shoulders. Ooh.

Yes. Hey. Broken arrow. And then he said to me, he was like, um, he was like, sorry, are you, are you nervous? And I'm like, yeah, little, you know, I've never done this before. He says, no, you've done it a thousand times. I'm like, no, I, this is the first time I have not done this a thousand times. Wow.

I swear to God. And then he put his hand like in on my chest. Touch me where he touched you. Oh. He put his hand here and he said, you've done, you've done it already. You've done it already. He said, they've approved you. And he said, I swear to God.

And he was like, you've done it already. He said, now you just have to go have fun because he was like, it's actually already done. And he said, you know, it was the greatest part. And I had like a great set. I was so relaxed. And he was like, I, he was like, you know what? He said, I'm going to be right here waiting for you. He said, because I want to see this moment.

I really, really, really want to see, you know, this come to fruition. He said, I'm going to, I'm going to be right here. Oh, he wants to see it come. Yeah. He wants to see it come. This sounds like the beginning of a me too. Right. Almost.

And I was, I was with my ex-girlfriend at the time and she was also there. And they were right by the stage. She was like, I'm going to be right here. He said, you go on and have a good time. She told me after one, the first joke missed, he left. Right away. She said, I swear to God. She was like, she was like, you had the first, because the first joke I did, this is how

I kind of have like a bone. The first joke I did was about how New York people, how we don't pronounce the R's and like this whole thing on ours. And then the fucking warm up comic did a joke about Boston people not pronouncing R's. I'm like, don't you see the set? I mean, you know. That guy's an E-tard. Yes.

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Yeah. Sorry. Speaking of our words, I feel like our next guest is also here, Chris is going to stay. Do you want me to go? Chris is going to stay. You stay. Please stay. I don't like me.

No, please stay. What? Cheap trick. A dirty move. I'm fucking Hari Kandabulu. I feel that. Just trying to get clapped. I can't say for sure.

So I don't want to fuck them up. But I feel like our next guest probably has some time to vote to store your connection. Absolutely. Legend of the business. Ladies and gentlemen, Ron Bennington here. Ah, you did it! They're standing up, they're standing up for Bennington. They're standing up faces!

Thanks for coming. Look who's talking now. It's Ron Bennington. Oh no, they're sitting down. Ah, shit. Some of them are sitting on towels, these ladies. Sitting on towels. You turn them on.

Oh, thank you. I got it now. Seat belts. You know, it's so weird. I just got here. A homeless guy just came on my back. I don't know whether you guys had time to talk about that. You met my agent.

Yeah, I gave him a buck. Well, it's more than I've given him. Well, good to see you there, Ronnie. You know what, thanks for not making me walk across the stage too, and I appreciate it. No problem, buddy. A little disappointed Chris stayed, but you know, here's the thing. Do you want me to go? Never.

Alright. That makes 189 of us. The Bay Ridge Boys is my favorite fucking girl. Oh, really? Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you. A few people know it.

Those are the guys that yelled out, Cuzzy, when we walked by. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Alright. Thanks for coming. Nobody knows, you know. I thought he said Muzzy. Yeah.

He's brown. He's brown. We still use the word Muzzy, are we still being that? Oh, I didn't know. I thought I made that up. No, no, no. That's short for Muslim, but we... That was a term that we used before 9-11.

I had no idea. I really did not know that. You didn't know that at all? No. You know why? You don't have a racist bone in your body. You really don't. I did last night.

Oh, yes. Alright. You got fucked by a KKK member. The sheets are ruined. A gay, gay, gay member. Oh. I thought that was going to be big too. I mean, I don't know what's going on anymore.

It worked here. KKK, the fucking gay set. KKK. Have you ever met or encountered John Travolta in all your years? I have met the man that I call Mr. John Travolta. Oh, geez. Do tell. I'll take a turn here.

Well, you know, I lived in Clearwater and that's kind of the home of Scientology. And John Travolta used to go to Waspah there every day. He would only ask for males to massage him and every day get a five hour massage. Wow. Wow. Yeah. It's longer than an energy drink. Yeah, it really is.

And he would take one. He says the second that it wore off, he was able to come. But you're not allowed to say that, you know, and I don't know whether you saw the news lately, but John Travolta has been hurt because he feels like he was the original big Scientologist and now they're giving it all to Tom Cruise. The other gay. Yes. The other gay.

He's got to be gay, right? Oh, they're all gay. Everybody out there. I heard Will Smith is a big homo. Yep. Really? Yeah. Let's just try to help people.

Let's just... Well, we asked if there was any gays here. Nobody outed. So... I'll tell you who's gay is that Donald Trump Jr. just to sign. Yeah. That's why he's divorcing his wife because she came home and he had a cock in her. I don't want to speak out of school here, you know, because I'm woke.

Political comedian. Yeah, I do. I used to work with a paper under my arm as a way of saying, hey guys, I'm into this. But I'm woke now and I hope all you guys are woke. I'm woke. Yeah, you're woke. Fucking woke. She's on coat.

She's been a little chatty. I don't know. You know what? Later, I'm going to come on your back. I'm going to do that. Yeah. But you know, I'm kind of short, so I'll probably just hit your asshole and that gets applause from her.

Yeah. She's fun. Yeah. Speaking of comics with newspapers, I'm going to tell the story, but I wasn't there, but I heard this story that David Brenner, I'm sure you know David Brenner. Yes, yes I do. I never met him and I don't know the man, so I don't want to disparage. But I guess he used to do shows where he would just read the paper on like a, he would have

like a musical thing. The little black... Music stand. A music stand. Podium? The capital of Pakistan. Yes. So.

Yes. Muzzies. Podium Muzzies. I guess he did a show at Carolines and they were like, what do you want your intro to be? And he was like, no intro. And they were like, who do you want your opener to be? He's like, no opener.

And they were like, what kind of music? He was like, no music. Just, I'll just come out. And so he walked out with the music stand and a newspaper and a full-length mint coat. Wow. And then he read the newspaper and did jokes in almost complete silence, sold out. And then he said, at the end, he said, does anyone have any questions? And then someone raised their hand and went, yeah, who are you?

And he was that good. You know what I mean? He was that good. Wow. Yeah. And speaking of muzzies and long massages, I was in Turkey with Louis Katz and Nate Bargatze. This sounds like a street joke. Right.

A Jew, a Southerner and a nerd walk into Turkey. But I kept saying, I was drinking at the time, and I was like, hey, is there any women? Can I get a woman massage? Because we were like a bathhouse. And they were like, no. What the fuck? I was like, I almost got my hand cut off for asking for, they don't do inter-gender massages in Turkey.

Travolta should move there. Yeah. I can't believe that you speak Turkish. That was amazing. Because I do. And I understood everything that you said. Yeah. I don't want you to think that we still love you, we still love you here.

No, it's wrong time. I'm just here. No, no, no. What's wrong? You know, I have nothing to say. Can I say something, Chris? I had yesterday. This is your day.

Okay, buddy? Wow. I've lived a life. I want you to go on now. All right? I don't fucking have. I mean. Have you been to a Muslim country?

We traveled together to Norway once. I've been to a Muslim country. Norway? Yeah. I mean, I don't fucking have anything, dude. I'm getting crushed in child support. I pay 4,000 dollars a month in child support. So I don't fucking know.

I'm not ever going to Turkey again. I'm happy I'm here. It's kind of like depressing to hear you guys talk because I live out of my fucking dad's garage right now. Yeah, it's good. Thanks, judge. Fucking. Your daughter's cute.

She's a cute kid. I disagree. She's a cute kid. She's beautiful. She's cute, but $4,000 a month cute? No. That's hot. No.

I say $2,300 a month cute. Yeah. I mean, she is half Puerto Rican. That would be great. They find a way. Yeah. And it's the bottom half. Oh, yeah.

They study the DNA stuff. They actually know where it is. Wow. Yes. Yeah. No. All right. She can dance.

She can dance. Well, yeah. That's like a positive stereotype that people will accept. If you say, oh, I'm Puerto Rican. We are great dancers. Yeah. But you can't say, oh, you're Puerto Rican. You all slash faces.

Right. Then people get mad. Right. Then people get mad. That's a good point. I didn't know that there was another section over there. Yeah. I'm going to pay more attention to you guys.

They're all Puerto Rican. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Those are the Jets. Yeah. If you hit a ball over here, it's a foul. But it's good to see you guys.

It's good to see the bleacher bumps. I got one date in that whole era. Sad. I think that's a woman on the right. Oh, is it? Yeah. There you go. I'm sorry.

I'm woke now. He doesn't see gender. No, I don't. That's how I end up sucking so much dick. I just don't know what it is. I just think it's a crotch and I'm happy. I can't thank you enough for that, by the way. It is my pleasure.

It really was. They want to ruin all the black. I think I'm done with the Middle East. I've been there several times. It's not peaceful. I mean going there. I don't mean like, I don't mean, we're fucking. We gotta bomb them up.

I'm sorry. I'm not going to go there anymore. Turn it to glass, bro. Turn it to fucking glass. Yeah. I'm not going anymore. I went three times. Three times?

Yes. All in the back. Who did you go with? I went to Kuwait with Nate Bargatsy, Red State Nate. You guys know him? Yes. He's got a lot of fans over there. Yeah.

You should know him if you don't. He got like three claps there. You know. He sells out. He's like, I mean, I sell out everywhere. I went with Nate and you guys were like, we don't, what the fuck? They just know a guy named Nate. I was with Ron White last night.

No, I could think of, that's Nate Bargatsy in three more years. It's just really, you know, you can see they're on the same career path. But both so hilarious. So funny. The timing on both of them is just stunning. So you went with Nate. Who else? I went with Nate and Louis Katz to Kuwait.

And then Louis Katz, you know this, if you're Jewish or Israeli, they could, they sell you like these pages that glue into your passports. You can hide Muslim countries or you can hide Israel or whatever, vice versa. They won't let you in if they see Israel on your passport. Well, I had an incident when I went to Israel with a sex criminal comedian. I want to name his name. Bill Cosby. He's hilarious.

Yes, great timing. He waited until his crew was over to it. Yes, he did. Fantastic timing. No, but Matt Lauer did some Jerusalem shows. But I went to Israel with Louis and like they all, everyone on the tour got through. I was the last one. They went through and got on like the car to the plane.

I was the last guy and I had all these Kuwait and Turkey stamps because of doing USO stuff. And then these Israelis, they're a little tense around these other neighboring countries. I wonder why. Yeah, there's been, yeah, this fucking guy over here. But anyway, so the lady was like, what is this? What is this? She had a machine gun and the whole thing and I was looking for everybody. I was like, guys, yeah.

And she was like, what is this? And I went, I was like, I went, USO military. Military. I was like, and it was really nerve wracking because she was like wanting answers. But she didn't speak the language and I was trying to do comedy. I was like doing, I was like, look. Eventually I got through, but it was really hard to explain my visits to her Turkey. Well, that's like, I was, I went to Ireland last year and I was with Sam Morrill.

You guys know Sam, right? I was there. Yeah. And fucking all of a sudden Sam fucking all of it. He doesn't, the Irish people are patting us all down. Like, I don't know. It's what they're like. He's fucking Americans.

They're just like patting us down. And Sam's like, don't fucking touch me. Yeah. I was losing his mind and then he's surrounded by Irish security guards and we had to wait for like an out. We thought Sam was not going to be able to get on the plane. Wow. Because he just started screaming.

He was like, don't touch me. Then he was like, it's because I'm Jewish. And they were like, what? No. No. They were like, are you even going to be able to get into the country? Yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes the airport shit can get wild. By the way, why did the Irish need fucking great security? What do they have to blow up there? Nothing. They had nothing. Small dicks. No. Geez.

Boy, after all of this, the Irish people's small dicks joke tightened you up. Take it easy. They have a hard time. Well, Muzzy's like, what the hell? That's what I love, is a guy who's clearly, I don't know, Native American. No, he's Indian. Are you Indian? Yeah.

Oh, and we're calling him Muzzy, Point Adam Terrorist. You know, go back home, you have whatever, and Habib, and he's loving it. But there's, I think there's Muslim Indians, right? Yeah, Muslim Indians. Absolutely. Can't sequester it. Yeah. And then Pakistan.

They move in the Pakistan, right? I'm thinking Native American. I'm trying to visit all the I countries. There's nine. I've been to Iraq, Ireland, and Israel. Iceland, you go to Iceland? I'm on my way to Iceland, right after this. Every coast is going to be tricky.

Joe, this has come off a little autistic. There's no reason, there's no reason to check off the I countries. That's fucking Rain Man shit, right there. That's a good point, I didn't even catch that. You've never fucked a boy in Indonesia then, Ron. No, but I did in South Philly, and don't worry, he won't talk. Of course there's 841 trans boys in South Philly. That was another Rain Man.

I was doing numbers. I shouldn't have said trans boy. That was, that got weird. Oh, geez. I thought it worked. Fuck me. I did. I think we're kicked out of the festival, to be honest with you.

Yeah. I feel like this is it for us. Wait, this is the festival? Holy shit, that's depressing. I thought this was the green room. No, this is South by Southwest. It's festive though, don't you think? It is.

They don't get the best fans. Yeah. And that lady. You know, I think that you guys are the only show in history that has fans that are older than them. That just doesn't happen. You know, like every band is always like 5 years older than the oldest fan. Comedy, your entire generation doesn't give a fuck about it. Yeah.

And, you know, you're dipping in. They like bad comedy. Good point. They were both into older women. Yes. Nice. Not you. But yeah.

Hey. I'm joking. Hey, don't you worry, darling. There's somebody here for you. Yes. Yeah. I'll take it right back to 77. Yeah.

Come on up, Jamal Wagner. Oh, she's getting turned on here. Yeah. Yes. Jamal Wagner. You know, and he, this is also very thrilling in the front row tonight. One of our great actors, Malcolm McDowell is here. Thank you so much.

Oh, yes. So great to see you. Clockwork Orange is just a brilliant film. That's how we're making him watch the show tonight. Just holding his eyes pinned open. Then we're going to chase around with a big dick. Yeah. Come on out, Jamal Wagner.

Yeah. I don't know if you were here for that. Yeah. It was Chris's big dick friend. Big dick friend. Black settlement. I shouldn't have used his real fucking dick. Is that right?

Yeah. Oh, whoops. That's the lead. I don't know. And we never, you never let us see it. You know how many Jamal Wagner's are out there. You're fine. Yeah.

There's at least six. Right. Two here. Yeah. That was fun. Yeah. We had a good time. We were jogging.

Yeah. Luckily women. Yeah. I didn't have. I didn't hook up with anybody. No. No. I didn't hook up with anybody.

Italy. I ran. India. Boo. Have you been? Oh, yeah. He has. Oh, okay.

Nice. You like it? No. Well, where else have you been? You've been to the fucking Twin Towers? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Man.

You know what? Man. My stuff is always really current. I like it. Wow. I like to do stuff that's 16, 17 years old. What do you didn't answer? And that was smart.

That's true. That was smart. No comment. I'm trying to think a more honest. That's what I teach you. You get stuck in your head. Oh, yeah. Chris is trying to think of the rest of the eye.

I think we might have named all the eye countries. Iraq. Iran. India. Indonesia. Ivory Coast. Israel. Italy.

Istanbul. Istanbul. Istanbul is a city. That's a city. In Turkey, though. That's only seven. You said there were nine. Iceland, Ireland.

Iceland, Ireland. Go pack, Joe. It's probably been to all of them. Yeah, yeah. You son of a bitch. Fucking me. He's a super fan. Yeah, I know.

He's also in the CIA. Oh. Yeah, clearly. By the way, we thought you were gay 100% of the time. All of a sudden he shows up with a pregnant girlfriend. Wife. That's what you call a surrogate. We thought you were a gay CIA man.

Turns out you're a straight CIA man. Woo. Dogey. So what do you got? HPV? I used to have HPV. It goes away. What?

They flicks it right off. If you burn it off and then keep having sex with the same woman, then it goes away. That's what my wife told me. That's a good wife. That's an old wives tale. That's the way you have it right there. That's a good wife. That's a good wife.

That's a good wife. That's a good wife. That's an old wives tale. That's the way you have it right there. I don't think any doctor would agree with that at all. No, I think if you stop... Yeah, it goes away. HPV.

But you go to Planned Parenthood for like 100 bucks. A really beautiful woman in my case. She paints a little white out on you. It stings for a second and then boobily boop. Dippity bing. You're good to go. I'm smooth as a... She's like a fairy wart mother.

Yeah. She was beautiful. Very sexy. It's really great while we're getting out of Obamacare. I'm really fucking happy with you going to Planned Parenthood to get shit burned off your dick. It's pretty nice. 100 bucks.

They don't just kill babies over there. They kill warts too. That's their slogan. We just don't kill babies anymore. By the way, abortions don't get enough credit for how successful they are. What do you mean? They never fail.

Oh, I don't think it's hard to kill. It's little. Sometimes the woman dies, but technically it's still a success. No, no woman dies in an abortion. I heard that happens. It happens before you had legal abortions. Exactly. Frank Sinatra's mom would just pour Drano in someone's fucking pussy

and be like, give it an hour and a half. But not a lot of people know that Frank Sinatra's mom was an underground abortionist. Is that right? She did it her way. To be totally honest, most Italian women were. I don't know what it is. How did he get by?

My mom's Irish. Oh, your mom's Irish? Irish. All right, since you poured whiskey on her. Yeah, the Irish. She's got a small dick. The Irish were dropping them out 11 or 12 at a time. Yeah, I'm an only child, though.

Is that right? That sucks. I swear to God, nothing. Liar. She just yells, liar. I don't like your heckles because they don't really make sense. Yeah, right, liar. I'm just kidding.

I don't like your heckles. You're a good kid. You wore 61 years ago. Oh, that's generous. Why? You don't listen. We're going to have a hell of a night tonight. Night fever, night fever.

Wow. How do you like that? Johnny Cash for gold. You had some Philly soul right there. It really is. It's all Philly soul. Hey, Philly soul, they can't go into Starbucks apparently. Everybody wants to have a quiet cup of coffee.

What's the big deal? I didn't really read the story, but we go to Chipotle a lot, as you guys know. What today? Often we go there and it's not racial. It's 150 high school kids of all races. And none of them are eating Chipotle. They're eating ice creams and each other out. They're just everywhere.

And I'm like, I'd kill for someone to come in and the patty wagon, round them all up. They're teenagers. Yeah, but they loiter. They're loitering. Sure, they're loitering. You're a teenager. You didn't loiter when you were a kid. I loiter now, still.

I'm doing it right now. It does feel like we're loitering a little bit. That is Philly. The thing about Philly that's amazing is there are rednecks up north. So it's kind of exciting. You know, when you just, but for me, when I grew up at Philly, there used to be race fights all the time and race rides. And when the Eagles won that championship and I saw blacks and whites riding together,

it was so fucking touching to me. I'm like, we made it, Martin Luther King. I mean, you didn't, but the rest of us made it. We made it. Nice. Oh boy. Oh man, I have a dream. Oh boy.

Oh yeah. She was at the speech. She was a front row for it. Oh yeah. She was heckling. She's like, I have a dream. I do too. I also, I dream too.

Was it a wet dream? Huh? Huh? Big mountaineers. Sorry. I stepped on it. Oh boy. Well, good times.

Part is going to be awkward later. Yeah. Yeah. She puts on the fist. So that's Helen Moontower. Be nice. Oh boy. Chris, when's the last time you got into a real life fist fight?

Real life fist fight? When's the last time I got into a real fight? Probably not recently, right? No, I haven't gotten into a fist fight in a long time. When's the last time I got into a real? Well, I never, I haven't got, I haven't swung, but my baby mama punched me in the face. Whoa. Oh really?

She punched me in the face a couple of times by her. That's not the Puerto Rico I know. Now, yeah, you got dinged up. I found out recently, I was on Robert Kelly's podcast, you know what, dude. And thank you. Yes. And I found out, I was confidently yelling at all these people that Louis J. Gomez is a crazy person because he's been hit by a woman.

I was like, if a woman hit you, you're a psychopath. What? Come to find out. I'm in the minority. Every guy knows. Two women have punched me in the face. And I feel like you're living wrong. But the more I ask, more of you, I'm not doing it right.

I got to piss off some women. Women, women hit. Women hit. It goes through the ring out of the gate. Passionate shit. Yeah, yeah. I've been hit a few times, throwing keys at me. Yeah.

I mean, I mean, there's times like, no, I never do like, I remember once by accident, you know, a Puerto Rican thing. No, it's like around Christmas time and a big Puerto Rican drink is it's called coquito. And it's like this like white drink and it has alcohol in it. And I didn't fucking know. I mean, this was like, you know, when I first saw my baby, I was learning about Puerto Rico, learning about my kid. And she, my baby mama was like, go, you got to get the baby milk and the baby's milk from

the fridge. And I just didn't know. And I just poured it in there. And then she was like, you scared the baby coquito. And I was like, I'm really sorry. And I said, I was really sorry. And I called poison control and they're like, it's fine. She's just going to fall asleep.

But then my baby mama. It was an Irish abortion. But it's like, but it's like, yeah. It was like, I said I was sorry. I just said I was sorry. It was an honest mistake, but I still got punched in the face. Like she still just fucking punched. That's fair.

But it's like, you know, but then, you know, I don't know, you just, I get hit by her a lot. I'm just not doing well tonight. I'm not a fucking. No, you're doing great. You're doing great. You know what it is? Sometimes it's great.

It's like boom, boom. I miss a few. It's just like, I just start to go in and then it's just going to be about 48 hours of this. I'm sorry. I get the same thing, but then it's going to be, but then, you know, but then you'll hit one and it'll be great. Yeah. Get on streets.

I'm just fucking. Yeah. It's just, I'm kind of just on that. Just, I'll just sit here listening to you laugh. I don't think about shit. You know, I don't, I don't mind it. It's just, I accept the process of it. I trust the process like Philadelphia.

I don't think there's ever been a person. There's never been a person ever whose look is so different than their actual personality. It's unbelievable. I know. It's fucking, I know. Because you look like you should be giving us all wedgies and fucking all the women. No dude. I was the one.

It's funny. Like a nerd, I was the one who was like, nerds used to be like, you're weird. Like I remember one time I was on the basketball team and I was like an athlete, but I used to love like hanging out like the athletes. You know, I liked them. They were my friends, teammates, but I really talked to the nerd guys a lot and I was like, let's do something cool. Like let's fucking, let's recite the state capitals.

And they'd be like, what? You know? They'd be like, I love state capitals. Don't you? They'd be like, no, you fucking loser. And you know? But yeah, I don't know. I am who I am.

I just try to fucking, I just try to own the anxiety, you know? Yeah. I think me and you have a similar thing where we like to get laid. Uh-huh. So it helps the confidence. I have that also. Oh yeah. But you know, it's a boost of confidence.

Yo, yeah, yeah. Phil's a big hole. Oh yeah. That, yeah, sex and Nutella. That's what I do. Nutella, yes. Nutella is huge for me. I got fucking sugar tips.

I love Nutella. It's a hazelnut chocolate spread. What? It's great. It's delicious. You would love it. Can I get one on my back? I've been having sex though.

Hey guys, I don't want to get the show back on topic, but we have a topic. I punched a woman in the face for changing the channel on the TV before. Wow. Old school that way. Damn. Would she give it Chris a hand job? That's what you call the remote back there. Yeah.

Change the hand. That's a universal remote. Hey Chris, what's the capital of Arkansas? Little Rock. All right, way to go, man. There he is. He's still got it. He's still got it.

Little Rock. Yeah. California? Sacramento. Oh my God, he's good. I fucking jerk off to this. Wait a minute. How about this one?

This is the toughest one. The toughest one in all the states. Kentucky. Frankfurt. Wow. Wow. I'm telling you, I'm a fucking loser. Yeah, I'm a let down.

I think the autism crown has passed. I'll take it. All right. Let's go to round two. Let's move on to Canada. Nova Scotia. Oh that. I know Halifax.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Chris. Chris. Holy shit. Wow.

Thank you. Thank you. Say your back, big man. That's gonna be my fucking mouth. Nothing. Well, you know a lot of Halifax. Nice. I liked it.

Nice. I enjoyed it. I liked it. I don't know. Well, your kid's gonna be all right. She'll be all right. Yeah, she'll be fine. I mean, fucking, yeah.

I mean, yeah. She'll be all right. The key is to accept your anxiety and accept your worst fear. And then remember that your thoughts are just thoughts. Yeah. And your fears are not reality. Fear is just fear, Chris. Yeah, true.

Oh yeah. This is the serious part of the show. Oh, my fear just came true. We're gonna die. We're all dying. I can't believe you could walk. Jesus. Man.

She's got a couple more years. She does. She won't be able to walk tomorrow, though, will you? Oh. Oh, jeez. Thank God for Viagra. Are you single there? She's winking.

Oh, that was a wink. I thought you were spasming. What's that, your girl? Her girl does not enjoy us. Very upset. Her name is Renee. She says this is the WTF. Renee, you look very upset.

I'm sorry that we upset you. Is it us or her? Oh, it's her. Oh, it's her. Oh, great. You're embarrassed, right? I don't understand. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, jeez. Well, let's move on. You're fine. I really feel like I could do a stage dive situation. I mean, this guy's saying no, but... Don't do it, man. I worry about the ball.

Somebody would just reach up and grab a sack. No, I'll hold my ball and dive out. You got to hold the ball. I hold my balls in every activity. And I don't know. People are always like, did something happen? If you're afraid of something, people always assume it happened to you. Okay.

Like people are like, I'm like afraid of dog. You're like, oh, you got bit. I was like, no, if I got bit, I would have killed myself or something. Right. I'm afraid of getting bit. Yeah, I'm scared of rape. Giving or receiving. I think it'll be all right.

Well, that's the end of the show, folks. You ready for the stage dive? No. Let's see. Yeah, we got a couple of minutes. Oh, does anyone have any questions? Sometimes we'll ask. Oh, we got to actually...

Oh, there we go. He's a fan. Ryan, do we have to wrap up? How much time do we have here? Five minutes. Five minutes. What's that? You got a question?

Oh, thank you. This will get the audience back on our side. I'm taking mandolin lessons. I've taken two lessons with Konchetta, who I thought was going to be an old lady, but she's actually very young and quite lovely. Is that right? Yeah. And she's very sweet, and I think she teaches exclusively children.

So I'm waiting with my mandolin. I look at your pedophile. I'm sitting there with a mandolin, and then there's like 15, 7-year-old kids being like, da, da, da, da. And then I come in, and it's going well. I've had two lessons. I can play a little bit. I can go, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee.

All right. Now we're in out of tune than that. Thank you for the question. Anybody else? Oh. We got one over here? Yeah. Just mandolin questions only, sir.

No, no, no, that was fucking great. I didn't hear it. Yeah. It was pretty good. You should kill yourself. Jesus Christ. What if he does? What if he does?

Yeah. Well, send me the body. Sorry. Tehran. What does it feel like to be a secret grandfather? You know what? I am going to be a grandfather. Wow.

Isn't that amazing? Isn't that amazing? Now is Gail here? No. She can't fly under these circumstances. Yeah. She's with child. Yes.

It's sucked out of a window. Yes. That happened this week. That happened this week. That's what's called an Irish abortion. No, but it's a strange... I'm elated and I did not expect to feel that way because I know I'll be very good at it because there's no responsibilities whatsoever.

Yeah. It's like being an uncle. Yeah, it is. It's like being an uncle but a better... It's like being a general. You know what I mean? Like being a general. And I love the lie to toddlers.

That's my favorite thing. So, I mean, you're easily able to tell this kid that you want to cross the country in a unicycle when you were younger. Why would they fucking know any different? Or you can say, this won't hurt. Yes. Now that's you guys making that a pedophilia joke. That's on you.

That's 100% your fault. I didn't even catch on that it was. That's because I'm woke. Yeah. For the record. It was. I think we have time for one more question. Yes.

Yes. Can we get more Bayridge boys? How do you get more Bayridge boys? There we go. Well, we're going to... I have to make one. Well, if you go on... We're going to make a website.

I want it to be BayridgeBoys.com but then I didn't respond to a fan on Snapchat and he just bought BayridgeBoys.com, BayridgeBoys.org, BayridgeBoys.net, like a fucking psycho fan. So if anybody's a lawyer, tell me how to get the websites because he owns them. Because all you got to do is pay me when I'm asking

and you'll be able to get exactly what it is. Load on the back. What do you want? Let me just say this. That show is so fucking funny. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. Really, really funny.

We're just fucking telling the truth. Bayridge boys. I mean, no censors. You know, it's like, I'm not going to let a network tell me that it's offending someone. It's like, we're just fucking speaking honestly out here. Yes.

So, yeah. Check out Bayridge boys. Yannis Papas and Christie. Yannis Papas and Christie. Yeah. And then what's the podcast? The podcast I have is called the History Hyenas. It's on iTunes where me and my buddy Yannis Papas

we just talk about history. And you wouldn't expect us to know anything. And we really don't know anything about it. We just fucking make it up. But we go to historical places and take pictures. It's fun. Nice. Wait for the next pod.

It's called State Capitals. State cap. Yo. Let's do Delaware. Delaware. Dover. Wow. He's unbelievable.

Bend over. Listen to the Bennington show. Thank you everybody. Bennington the king. Thank you guys for having me. Thank you guys for coming. Thank you. We appreciate it.

What a show. Look at that. Look at that. A standing ovation. Wow. Deserve it. Wow. Look at that.

A fetus fill out. No. It's a sense of a piss you off. All right. Thanks guys.